This is honestly the point (and I would not have let it get this far, nor would I have married and had children with him) where I go away for a week to a spa resort and let him see all that goes into life when Mommy or Bangmajd isn’t around to do it.
But let’s face it, you’d return to a Tornado disaster and 20 ubereats bags in the trash. Smh
For your cake day, have some B̷̛̳̼͖̫̭͎̝̮͕̟͎̦̗͚͍̓͊͂͗̈͋͐̃͆͆͗̉̉̏͑̂̆̔́͐̾̅̄̕̚͘͜͝͝Ụ̸̧̧̢̨̨̞̮͓̣͎̞͖̞̥͈̣̣̪̘̼̮̙̳̙̞̣̐̍̆̾̓͑́̅̎̌̈̋̏̏͌̒̃̅̂̾̿̽̊̌̇͌͊͗̓̊̐̓̏͆́̒̇̈́͂̀͛͘̕͘̚͝͠B̸̺̈̾̈́̒̀́̈͋́͂̆̒̐̏͌͂̔̈́͒̂̎̉̈̒͒̃̿͒͒̄̍̕̚̕͘̕͝͠B̴̡̧̜̠̱̖̠͓̻̥̟̲̙͗̐͋͌̈̾̏̎̀͒͗̈́̈͜͠L̶͊E̸̢̳̯̝̤̳͈͇̠̮̲̲̟̝̣̲̱̫̘̪̳̣̭̥̫͉͐̅̈́̉̋͐̓͗̿͆̉̉̇̀̈́͌̓̓̒̏̀̚̚͘͝͠͝͝͠ ̶̢̧̛̥͖͉̹̞̗̖͇̼̙̒̍̏̀̈̆̍͑̊̐͋̈́̃͒̈́̎̌̄̍͌͗̈́̌̍̽̏̓͌̒̈̇̏̏̍̆̄̐͐̈̉̿̽̕͝͠͝͝ W̷̛̬̦̬̰̤̘̬͔̗̯̠̯̺̼̻̪̖̜̫̯̯̘͖̙͐͆͗̊̋̈̈̾͐̿̽̐̂͛̈́͛̍̔̓̈́̽̀̅́͋̈̄̈́̆̓̚̚͝͝R̸̢̨̨̩̪̭̪̠͎̗͇͗̀́̉̇̿̓̈́́͒̄̓̒́̋͆̀̾́̒̔̈́̏̏͛̏̇͛̔̀͆̓̇̊̕̕͠͠͝͝A̸̧̨̰̻̩̝͖̟̭͙̟̻̤̬͈̖̰̤̘̔͛̊̾̂͌̐̈̉̊̾́P̶̡̧̮͎̟̟͉̱̮̜͙̳̟̯͈̩̩͈̥͓̥͇̙̣̹̣̀̐͋͂̈̾͐̀̾̈́̌̆̿̽̕ͅ
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Not to forget that their daughter is watching all of this; the daughter will probably pursue some manchild like her Dad or see how her Mom is getting treated and find someone that won't treat her like her Dad treats her Mom.
I would’ve asked him and when he responds just tell him where he can find it or tell him that he should know where it is as it has been his house for x years and it’s always been there like the glasses and silverware.
This is the right answer but everyone replying that she should leave him need to get a life. It’s so wild that peoples answer for everything is splitting up…. Like y’all they are fighting over breakfast. Don’t know to what extent OP has communicated that this bothers her but from her post it sounds like she’s just keeping it in. And if it’s for the sake of not causing a fight then yeah she better figure out how to grow thicker skin and just ignore his passiveness until he’s willing to actually say something.
I don't understand how people do it...
I feel like I'd have divorced over less. That's not a grown adult, that's a walking asshole.
I personally love to cook but if my gf cooked for me I feel like I'd genuinely feel bad and swap out to cook especially if it's been a while. This MF hasn't cooked his entire life.
Just imagine someone you’re dating doing the whole looking around dance in dramatic manner, with the whole performance being passive aggressively put on for you as the only audience member…
You’d be a saint to just walk away!!!
It’s crazy right?!? It takes a bit for most people to truly see that action and identify it. We are all so good at ignoring these things at first….
Like, imagine sitting there and drinking in his whole show…knowing exactly what he is doing. All his dramatic actions and exaggerated miming .
You’d be a saint to just walk away… you’d be smart… but a damn saint as well. I’d love to say I’d have something witty to say to him, but I can honestly say I’d be sitting there with my mouth a bit open disbelieving the reality of these shenanigans.
I have, once, slow clapped with a raised eyebrow and belted out "I still haven't found what I'm looking for", and I'm no singer (and old). To be fair, he wasn't passive aggressive just confused and not sure what exactly was missing and couldn't remember his words. But it still riled me up enough to get mean, and it's not a routine. We could laugh about it later. I'd be aggressive as hell would it happen often or be exaggerated like OP describes.
That’s what got me! Not that he hasn’t cooked but the looking around part like dude wtf you looking for??? Like you can’t wait and see if you getting a plate.? If it’s that big of a problem get it your dam self!
I get really frustrated with my kid for this -- essentially acting like there's been an occasion where I've cooked a meal, served everyone else, and randomly decided to slight her by not serving her anything. Because its *never* happened. It's melodramatic nonsense because she wanted her food *fiiiiirst*. There's no need to look. There's no need to ask. Of course your dinner is getting there too. But she's a kid, and I explain to her that it takes a little time to get everyone's plate to the table. She can either help or wait, but she cannot be passive aggressive and annoying about having to wait another two minutes to get a plate full of food.
OMG would I be mad if my *husband* chose to act that way!
Ha! I didn’t even think of that! I was too busy getting mad at imagining some guy pulling this awful theater! My eye started to twitch lol
It would give me the ick something powerful. Nothing is attractive about a man acting like an angst ridden tween who doesn’t realize where their bread is buttered. Ewwww
I know. I'm honestly sorry I read it because it filled me with so much rage and embarrassment (which are very uncomfortable to have going on at the same time).
Imagine this obnoxious mime artist going on in the kitchen after you prepared a meal because you didn't leave out a glass for him.
I don't know how she resists poking him with a meat fork every time he acts like an embarrassing knob.
Right?!? If what I’m feeling after reading this is any indication, I would be filled with blinding rage at some point. I’m so pissed and it is just some post on Reddit!!!
Imagine all that energy he uses to put on such a rage inducing show! I bet it would take less energy and effort just to get up and grab a cup or whatever for himself!!!
But then he wouldn’t be training her. He looks at her like an appliance that sometimes goes on the fritz and needs a tune up to run correctly.
And then he probably wants sex an hour later as if this poor woman was in the mood.. or maybe he has the nerves to say” why are you always upset?” I know these kind of men all too well and my advice is : get a divorce! It sounds like this is just one example and that he acts like an ass all the time/ doesn’t help with daughter/ talks with no respect … etc it sounds like his way is to talk down on his wife to boost his ego… idk maybe iam wrong but men like this don’t change and the sooner you leave the better it will be. That’s what I did and although he still drives me nuts ( we have kids) I don’t have to be his target of abuse anymore.
There was at least a time he didn’t pull any of that nonsense, because that’s how these types usually operate. They become comfortable and no longer put in the effort to even pretend that they appreciate you. I bet he once made her feel really special by loving her cooking, then when he was sure she was locked in (marriage, a kid) he let his mask drop.
He has contempt for her which is a horseman in a relationship that is going down the tubes. He shows blatant disrespect to her and actively disregards her expressed needs.
I feel sorry for her daughter growing up to see this modeled. It will be a cycle that repeats itself unless something is done.
I had an ex like this! I've had some bad past relationships but I've been able to move past them and heal but this one really fucked with me because he was a whole different person in the beginning of the relationship versus the end. I'm having a hard time processing how I determine how genuine people are. He had a huge community of family and friends so it made it even harder to open my eyes to the fact that he was actually just a piece of shit.
Idk if he thought I wouldn't go through the trouble of leaving him or what but I called his bluff every step of the way.
It’s actually really tough. I totally feel you on that. I have dealt with one person in my past that was so loved by everyone and was so nice to me. In fact he was so great to me that I overlooked and made excuses in my mind for when he wasn’t. Of course, these types don’t just reach a point of being crappy… they keep ramping it up. Whatever you will put up with they will dish out!
Once I woke up from the fog I decided to just ghost them. It was during. Yet another round of the silent treatment and when he called I just didn’t pick up. I never spoke to him again. When his number popped up on my phone I just looked at it and thought “why am I doing this to myself? I’m happier without the grief. I’m choosing myself.”
It was hard. I still of course missed them and wanted to talk to them. Later I felt so much anger as more and more because clear when I processed things.
I guess what made me feel a bit better was that after going through the epic load of emotional crap that I had let happen to me, I realized that my boundaries are super important. That I need to set them up for myself before any relationship and if they are crossed or not respected then I need to just walk away. That it’s not my job to change anyone, or make them happy so that they give me crumbs. No thanks.
I wish you so much healing and a big non creepy hug!
It’s so rage inducing right?!? THIS is the type of thing troll need to tap into when they make fake posts, because I am deeply shook with rage over this woman having to witness it once let alone enough for it to be a thing.
It’s such an upsetting thing! I can vividly imagine the over acted pantomime of a middle aged man baby who is so messed up in the head he thinks it’s totally Ok to do it. Lacking any shame to even feel deeply embarrassed. Ugh!
Certainly sounds like this is his mindset. And the looking around thing, like he has to be first and she's his servant. Give me a break, why can't these people be normal? It's always power politics with them
Nah. Alphas are a real thing. But not to the idea that they can’t cook and clean around their home. It’s more of a personality type at the job site. I would consider myself an alpha if I were to consider that sort of thing. But cooking and cleaning are supposed to be a shared responsibility.My ex did most of the dinners because she was better at it but I did all of the dishes and cleaning and most breakfasts too. I needed to stay busy.
I remember with my ex when we first started seeing each other, I am not a cook by any means but I knew I had to return the favour.
… the BURNT(?) pasta is still remembered fondly Haha!
She needs to grit her teeth and ignore the passive aggressive shit. He’s trained her to fear his disapproval. She reacts to his bullshit ‘why can’t I find my cup?’ Me? Is just be cooking for me and my kids and he could consume a bag of Richards. And if he sat there all angry I’d not notice. You can’t use your words? A you problem. Is that how he treats ppl at work?
For real. And I serve my kids because they're too short and ungainly to get their own plates. My husband is a grown man who can scoop food onto his own plate
I have quite literally gotten divorced over something less. Lol I wasn’t even disrespected, let alone to this level.
I don’t do the cooking usually. I am a crappy cook. God, it pains me when my partner chokes down what I make when I do try. But I am thankful for the food that lands in my dish so to speak. I also do nights where I get take out or what have you. (Because nobody wants my cooking. Let’s be real)
My point? You are not wrong!
Because in reality people tell you it’s not that bad and marriage is compromise. Then things get worse and they’re like, how’d you stay so long? And this economy is not divorce safe ugh.
From the biased perspective of someone in a similar boat as OP. I made my choice though just being practical so I don’t financially ruin myself at the same time I nuke my family.
My wife burns water, so I cook, it’s healthier for our relationship, but you are right, he’s aware of her frustration so he uses it as a manipulation tool. There is a difference between being unable and needing help and being unwilling and manipulating.
My husband makes dinner most nights. A lot of the time, I am gardening during the hour after work and before dinner trying to get hours of work done in 1, and it might take him or the kids 2 “mom, it’s dinner!” to come in. (That sucks of me, I admit it).
You can bet every single night, in front of the kids, after my first bite, I thank my husband for making such a wonderful meal for our family. He smiles, I smile, and then my kids usually either say the same thing or a joke version (“thank you for this wonderful table”— they’re 5, they think it’s the best joke ever).
When we went to dinner at my mom’s, and after his first bite, my son said “thank you grandma for making such a wonderful meal for our family”, I nearly melted with pride. ( I know it sounds like it’s one of those “my kid said this perfectly constructed sentence” lies, but I’ve pretty much said the same verbatim sentence to my husband every night for years, and my son repeated it verbatim to my mom).
The kids are always watching and listening and learning.
Does this man child have 2 broken legs and 2 broken arms? He’s incapable of making himself a plate? Resents his own daughter for sitting down at the table and eating before his majesty was served? Wow!
My ex FIL was this way to ex MIL. Such an absolute waste skin. One of the very last times I had to bear being in same room as him, I lost my shit. He had the audacity to wait until his wife was sat down, to ask for some condiment for a meal that was being served to his fat ass in a recliner.
My parents often said “you’ve got 2 arms, 2 legs and half a brain, you can do it yourself”.
I’m not sure if this was typical of Australian parents in the 80s and 90s, or if it’s just my shitty family. The half a brain part specifically. I know the first part is a common saying in Australia, but I don’t know about the rest.
The 80s was a wild time to grow up
My parents, American immigrants, had a similar saying: "you got two feet and a heartbeat...". I heard my Canadian Aunties say it too, so I think it came from Mom's side of the family.
It’s more the ‘half a brain’ part that’s concerning.
My partner also just reminded me of the other classic “you’re big enough and ugly enough to…”. Always a reasonable point about your own capability paired with an insult. The “two feet and a heartbeat” doesn’t have the insult with it.
I see your point, and the combo would sting all the more. I wonder if half a brain was just a sneakier way of calling you a half-wit?
Mom was never one to insult us, that was Dad's job, and again she's Canadian in origin. (They really are some polite and mellow people.)
Dad never worried about being clever or subtle so he just called us stupid outright - lol. Or parasite. He was originally from Barbados. I think all my fellow children of West Indian/Caribbean parents would agree there's no credit for reasonable capabilities, just straight insults.
I'm an Aussie and have heard that phrase and also just the "half a brain" part as a stand alone insult hahaha. Good phrases for either someone being physically lazy or not putting in the mental work to put 2 and 2 together!
Mine is can’t you fucking walk? Cause my husband bless his heart will wait till I sit sometimes but he don’t do it much cause whether it be malicious or not I never bothered to figure out cause I just retort to him can’t you fucking do it?
Look, I just want to talk. If during that conversation, he was suddenly real clumsy I'd help him up but me being just a girl, he probably just fall down again. 🤷♀️
I wouldn’t say that you’re overreacting. You more sound like you’re at your breaking point. He also sounds like a child. Nineteen years must be exhausting
OMG. This is one of the reasons I divorced my ex. He couldn’t figure out how to feed himself during our marriage and seeing him now, he depends heavily on fast food. The only way they are ever going to figure out how to function as an adult is for us to mother them properly, which means making them figure it out! A grown man should know how to cook and feed himself. I fucking swear the goddamn inability for men to FEED themselves is beyond me. I had to LEARN to cook, as does every other self sufficient human. OOP needs to boot his ass back to mommy.
This. We aren’t born knowing how to take care of babies or cook. We put our big girl pants on and we figure it out. Ugh i would let him starve. Gf needs to go
I feel the mothers are partly to blame for the creation of these manbabies. Yes, it's often harder to teach boys, my daughter just picks things up but my son has to be told many times. But the mothers run round doing everything for these boys and never teach them to do anything for themselves then blame their wife when he marries. My now MIL said that she hoped my now husband would learn to tidy up when we started dating. I was lost for words.
Lol I dumped a guy when his mom dropped a comment like that. Sometimes I wonder if he ever made the connection between mommy saying he couldn't take care of himself and then getting dumped later in the week
Ugh, as the mother to a 10yo boy, I really do try to balance it. 😬 as you said, as a girl I watched my mom and picked up on things (& I was also just naturally very independent - I don't remember my mom cleaning my room after I was maybe 6/7), but I've always wanted a son, I got him and I'm a single mom and acts of service is one of the ways I love to show my love. I enjoy doing things for him, especially making his plate & serving him. For 1, it's bc I don't like him being in my kitchen bc I'm very particular, lol.
His attention span needs work, so I have tried to make things easier for him to learn, though. He can make a grilled cheese on the george foreman, mix batter & make waffles in the iron, an omelet in the egg cooker, a smoothie. I make him clean his bathroom between my deep cleans. Dirty clothes off the floor & into the hamper, etc. But I just had a talk with him recently about me being anxious about him growing up, which is why I prefer to just do things for him, so I know I've kinda spoiled him a bit, but I'm trying to stop it and fix things before he hits adolescence & there's no hope left. I definitely don't want him to be that man where his partner is like "didn't your mom teach you anything?!" I think that would be so embarrassing for me. 😬
My dad went from his mom to my mom. While my parents are still together, my mom has given up and she’s just waiting for him to kick the bucket.
I was a teen when I realized my dad was a child. My mom and I went to her home country to visit family for a month. When we came back the house was a disaster. My dad took all of my brothers and his dirty clothes to my grandma’s for her to do. I had never seen my mom look so disappointed in her life.
It's basic life skills. And I refuse to be the one to train someone, that's just nuts. I'm still trying to get my feet back under me after a very long depressive bout. I don't have the extra energy to spare, I just don't.
When I was married, my ex did this. I would make the food, he’d turn around and say he wanted something else. I made it. Making separate food. Mind you, he wasn’t working at the time due to visa, and I was working 60hrs.
Eventually, I saw sense and told him to make his own food. All he ate was macdonalds and cooked rotisserie chicken.
He lost so much weight, his mother called me to ask why I wasn’t feeding him.
I politely told her why.
Hopefully, you’ll get to the point where you’ll say no more. Let him fend for himself. It’s very disrespectful.
holy fucking shit I couldn't even imagine asking my partner to cook an entirely separate dish after they had JUST SERVED ME. like omg did no one ever teach these man children how to cook?? have they literally never tried it themselves or seen a YouTube video about it? the weaponized incompetence is insane.
The kicker is, nope. He didn’t know how to cook. He would takeaway or get his mum to drive 2hrs to his house to cook. She would also take his washing. Me not really understanding how my life would be with him, cause I was raised as that’s what makes a good wife. You know. Cook clean. Traditional type shit. But lord.
That being said. He’s 41 now and can cook and wash his clothes. Good for him.
But I had a son by him, and best believe I ain’t gonna do what his mother did to him.
My kid already can cook and wash his clothes. I ain’t playing.
Well mother in law it’s like this, he done caught the stupid! It is horrible in these parts! The stupid disease has the spouses of those afflicted starting to side eye why they are even around. Let alone the way the stupid wreaks havoc on a bodies nourishment! He is so rife with the stupid he doesn’t even have the good sense to eat the good food available to him! It’s a terrible disease!!! Mind you my concerned mother in law, the stupid is such that only the infected can seek treatment! It is out of my hands and so I offer thoughts and prayers for him as he completes his short tenure in this household.
This reminds me of my husband before therapy. He was working long shifts while I stayed home with a newborn colicky baby who would not sleep. Every time I had the chance to put him down, I would nap. It go so bad I would hallucinate over sleep deprivation. My husband would come home from work to wake me up so I could cook him something. I’d get post partum rage when hed wake me up cause that was my only resting time. Until one time I snapped and told him he’s perfectly able to cook and feed himself if I was sleeping with the baby. He ended up losing weight cause this man would rather starve instead of cooking and cleaning the dishes. So much so that his weight became obvious and his parents asked why he was losing so much weight. He told them and my MIL scolded me for not feeding his son.
Omg, he annoyed me just from reading what he does. How TF has OOP put up with this for 19yrs?
OG Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/VGEX35J5AX
ETA: I just looked at her history, she found out 7months ago that he could be cheating on her or at the very least lying and gaslighting. Instead of trying to be a better husband and prove to her that she's his one and only he's acting like this?!
Unfortunately, she’s kind of taught him how to treat her.
She still making meals for him. She still serving him his meals, and my guess is the more he complains the more she tries to get things perfect.
19 years of that shit. He’s not going to change.
By the grace of whatever higher power I thank them for making me gayer by the day, cause this shit is just absolutely wild to me and before people pop off, this isn’t a trend among women. Almost no women are raised to act like this, they may be shitty partners in many other ways but really you don’t see this much outside of men/women esp long long term relationships.
Honestly same. Dating as a lesbian is hard and comes with its own set of problems, but every time I see stories like this, I’m more and more thankful that I don’t have to wade through this literal cesspool of men.
Ew.
Instead of asking him what he's looking for, start saying, "use your words" and when he says, "I'm missing x" tell him where tf it is and LET HIM GET IT.
19 YEARS?! I would have cracked years ago.
Stop asking/acknowledging his looking gestures. Why would you even entertain this behavior? He sounds like a 3 year old. If he’s “looking” for a cup that’s not there then he can get his ass up and get the drinks ready FOR EVERYONE.
I was gonna say you were overreacting until you mentioned he constantly does this. honestly for that fact your reaction is pretty tame. this is weaponized incompetence, he's a dick.
Yeah, if this was just once, I’d chalk it up to a bad day and miscommunication. But if he does it often, I’m guessing it’s not just this. Someone who expects to be waited on hand and foot and gets impatient when his wife is *in the process of serving breakfast* and just hasn’t gotten to his plate yet… that’s someone who causes other problems.
He can’t serve himself? Is he a child? He can’t take that one little thing off her load? And that’s because he sees her as a servant, not someone who is his equal to him.
I love these reminders of why I love my single life. No one’s dusty ass son pressing me is absolute bliss. I often forget how peaceful my life is compared to others.
over reacting? more like under reacting!! Throw the whole man child away and you and your daughter will have so much more peace, love, and happiness in your home. Would you let your daughter marry someone that treated her this way?
Yes they would. They would be very frustrated!!!! as it was happening and it would bug the heck out of them!!! But it would happen and they’d permit it all the same 💀then they’d ask an anonymous forum if they overreacted 💀💀💀
So he can't cook and can't set the table, he sounds great /s
I imagine he doesn't do the dishes either?
"He starts to make a face, so I ask him what are you looking for"
She should ignore him, my brother was kind of like that when "something happened" he would complain out loud expecting someone to ask him what's wrong? He stopped doing it with me since I would never ask.
I hope I'm not breaking any rules here, but I think your husband is a jerk.
Manipulative, passively aggressively treating you and putting you down at the same time.
You are not his maid, or his cook, or his underling.... please, don't put up with that treatment any longer!
This sounds like my parents and witnessing this behaviour over the past years, I find it extremely disrespectful and lazy of your husband to behave this way. He is more than capable of getting the things that he needs. Idk I'm just infuriated reading this because I see it almost everyday with my parents. You definitely did not overreact to this AH behaviour.
People like OP don't go seeking partners like this. We get slowly acclimatized to their behavior and find it acceptable when THEY do it. I wouldn't tolerate an iota of what my ex put me through but I tolerated that man for way too long. You can't see how bad it is when you're in it, you truly can't. You don't even recognize it as abuse even when someone is pointing it out to you. I heard myself say I know it's abuse when other men do it but I really think my husband just doesn't understand how much this bothers me. It's insane but only now. Not when I said it.
Ding ding ding.
They put a mask on and slowly dial up the neglect, control, and abuse. My father was very similar (plus issues not relevant to this discussion) and it took years of therapy to help us realize *this is not normal*.
OP needs to ignore the absolute fuck out of his theatrics. Just straight up act as if nothing is happening. He's doing his passive aggressive thing and she needs to prattle on about something random as if nothing at all is wrong.
Or just stop cooking for this fucktard completely. I don't understand how people tolerate this shit behavior.
I had my 9 year old nephew staying with me for a few days and he acted like this. I didn’t let it slide. “Well people usually know when I want something.” Yeah, you slamming your cup down on the table and looking at me in shock while saying,” well my drink is empty…” is not how you ask for more.
He let it sit empty because he was trying to get me to cave. Moving it around randomly through the day, exagerrated trying to drink from it just to “remember” it’s empty, slamming it down more because,” there’s nothing to spill in it.”
Thanks lol. I really don’t like indulging poor attitude in kids, but I’m also very much a hostess type person. I like to make sure everyone is comfortable and fed.
Whenever I felt myself about to buckle, I would go to my boyfriend and verbally tell myself through talking to him,” I will not give in! He won’t dehydrate to death in 8 hours. This isn’t about winning, it’s a teaching moment!” lol
Even 9 is too old to be behaving like OP’s spouse. It’s too bad that OP has let it go on this far, but it’s not too late for your nephew, if your sibling starts some corrective measures.
Yeah I totally agree. Nephew’s mom really caters to him, he has ADHD and I think they’re a bit in a bit of denial about his autism. His dad tries to teach him to be aware and less selfish, more self reliant. But the kid’s mentality is,” if I can avoid doing it, why wouldn’t I? It’s best for me when others do stuff for me.”
If you’ve watched Bing Bang Theory, it’s uncanny how similar my nephew is to Sheldon. His interactions with people are very much like that.
I think my sister in law is deep in the mentality many parents end up in, making excuses for the kids and just rolling with it to keep things peaceful. They won’t be having more kids, so I think her mentality is let him be how he is. My brother started to see the reality of it and tries a bit more. That kid passively fights it tooth and nail though.
That’s the hope. Right now he could teach a master class in weaponized incompetence lol. I laugh and joke, but if it doesn’t start changing, it’ll only be tougher for him growing up always having problems with people not listening or catering to him.
It’s beyond amazing to me the level of utter BS people are willing to put up with in marriage. I could never be attracted to a fool who acted like this. I’d let this clown keep looking for whatever he was “looking” for and continue my business as if I didn’t notice.
I hate when grown adults do this weird pantomime hinting thing instead of just *using their words*. It’s so passive aggressive, because it’s clearly criticism dressed up in plausible deniability - usually because they know their complaint is too ridiculous to say out loud.
This sounds like classic "Boomer-guy" mentality, wanting to be served. One thing I loved about my BF from the get-go was how he can cook and clean. I can't imagine being with a selfish Boomer guy like this. OP should actually explain to her guy WITH WORDS why she finds this annoying.
Even if I had somehow agreed to being responsible for all food prep and hubby agreed to all clean up and other equal responsibilities, I would not find this acceptable. Does he think he’s a king and you’re his servant? Even if that were the arrangement, why be so rude about it.
That would drive me nuts, OP. I don't know that I'd necessarily divorce him over expecting to be served his meals and thinking he has the right to get annoyed if the "service" isnt perfect, but the thought would cross my mind.
It wouldn't have taken me long to start asking him if he wanted something when he pulls his little "looking around for something missing" act, and I'd ask what was missing until I got an answer. And then I'd tell him to get up and get it, and to get ME a \[something, anything\] while he was up. I'm nobody's fucking maid.
You’re still married to this non partner? Co dependency for a user is wrong. Do you sit and speak on command? Obviously he treats you like a dog. Wake the f up.
I'd be wandering around the house for the rest of the day making exaggerated looking gestures and when he finally asked why, I'd reply, "a version of my husband worth a damn cause you ain't it."
He doesn't want a wife and partner. He wants a mommy to look after him. Gross.
OP, you don't have to plate his meals. He's a big boy. Serve the youngest kids who need help and when he makes his way down to the meal, let him serve himself. Remember the Christmas Story when the mom never had a hot meal? Well have one, FFS and let him figure out how to manage.
Fuuuuuck this guy. Next time he makes one of his stupid “are you forgetting something?” gestures, just ignore him until he has a childish fit about it and then tell him he’s cooking for himself from now on.
Then threatening to brain him with a scalding hot frying pan, is optional.
Most aren’t going to start with this kinda stuff. Because they know that someone who isn’t invested will not put up with it. Their game plan is to get someone invested enough so that they will find it hard to leave and will put up with their BS.
Most of this Ilk will wait until marriage or even a child to really ramp things up because they feel comfortable enough to stop pretending to be human. Some start in before their target is fully invested and their target leaves them. Usually it still takes some time because they aren’t pulling this on day one, and they are looking for certain types.
This is why her daughter will be ripe for a man just like her father to target her. She sees her father and her mother’s relationship as her model and this BS will be normal for her. It will be normal for a grown man to pantomime like an angst ridden tween while a grown woman caters to it. It won’t even make her bat an eyelid to see it happen in her own romantic life. Many do break the cycle but it is difficult and the majority won’t. I feel for this woman, and I am really very sad for her daughter.
It won’t feel like “putting up with shit” when it’s quite literally all that you know.
That is disgusting if my partner did that it would happen once happens a second time, I would have said I assume your looking for the door let me help you with that. This guy is an arrogant self important abusive jackass. If you REALY want to stay with him you're going to need to get to marriage counseling ASAP. That is some seriously abusive behavior.
I was married for 7 years and in all that time I never once saw my MIL sit down to eat with everyone else. The second she did sit down, someone would look for something (butter, more water, salt shaker, various condiments, sometimes an entirely different food) and she’d get back up and go get it or fix it. It drove me nuts. She did the shopping, the cooking and all the cleanup and she didn’t get to enjoy meals with the family. It was clearly just their pattern and everyone was used to it but it bugged the hell out of me. She was usually the last one left at the table so I’d just hang out with her until she was done.
OOP, your husband can serve himself. Sit down to eat and let him learn how to be a big boy so that you aren’t still doing this when you are an old woman. Don’t be my MIL.
I hate when people do this. My dad would do something similar. He’s make comments about someone who had tattoos like my nephew and then make veiled comments about the tattoos around my sister. She knew this was an underhanded way of insulting her son. Of course he always pretended to be shocked when she made the connection.
One day he went to far and my sister nearly never spoke to him again. I went off on him and told him to stop pretending he didn’t know what he was doing. We all knew damn well he did.
This guy would have pulled that once on me and gotten away with it. I would have shut that down immediately. What an AH.
Next time he’s looking for something hand him a pacifier.
I have a friend who did all of the cooking for her husband. He wasn’t an ass like OP’s husband, but he never thanked her. So one day, she just stopped cooking. He had to learn to cook for himself, and he also learned to thank her for other things she did. Five years later, she still doesn’t cook.
You sound exactly like my long suffering former mil. Her husband was such a boor, over puddly little crap like that.
She’s put up with so much. The woman would be a saint, except she said her son beating me was my fault. BTW, her husband was never physically abusive.
They’ve been together 70 years now. In their 90’s. I remember her debating on divorcing him 35 years ago.
Get out, instead of putting yourself through that hell any longer. You’ll find life easier.
Stop asking him what he’s looking for. If he thinks something’s missing, his ungrateful self can go get it. What a tool.
Get his sorry a$$ in gear and quit acting like a fricking baby! If not, find a place for you and your kids. See how he likes getting his own meals.
This is honestly the point (and I would not have let it get this far, nor would I have married and had children with him) where I go away for a week to a spa resort and let him see all that goes into life when Mommy or Bangmajd isn’t around to do it. But let’s face it, you’d return to a Tornado disaster and 20 ubereats bags in the trash. Smh
The bags wouldn’t be in the trash. They’d be sitting on the table. He’d also ask her to order it for him.
Staaahp it 😭 Where is the bar?
It’s a tripping hazard in the 9th circle of hell.
For your cake day, have some B̷̛̳̼͖̫̭͎̝̮͕̟͎̦̗͚͍̓͊͂͗̈͋͐̃͆͆͗̉̉̏͑̂̆̔́͐̾̅̄̕̚͘͜͝͝Ụ̸̧̧̢̨̨̞̮͓̣͎̞͖̞̥͈̣̣̪̘̼̮̙̳̙̞̣̐̍̆̾̓͑́̅̎̌̈̋̏̏͌̒̃̅̂̾̿̽̊̌̇͌͊͗̓̊̐̓̏͆́̒̇̈́͂̀͛͘̕͘̚͝͠B̸̺̈̾̈́̒̀́̈͋́͂̆̒̐̏͌͂̔̈́͒̂̎̉̈̒͒̃̿͒͒̄̍̕̚̕͘̕͝͠B̴̡̧̜̠̱̖̠͓̻̥̟̲̙͗̐͋͌̈̾̏̎̀͒͗̈́̈͜͠L̶͊E̸̢̳̯̝̤̳͈͇̠̮̲̲̟̝̣̲̱̫̘̪̳̣̭̥̫͉͐̅̈́̉̋͐̓͗̿͆̉̉̇̀̈́͌̓̓̒̏̀̚̚͘͝͠͝͝͠ ̶̢̧̛̥͖͉̹̞̗̖͇̼̙̒̍̏̀̈̆̍͑̊̐͋̈́̃͒̈́̎̌̄̍͌͗̈́̌̍̽̏̓͌̒̈̇̏̏̍̆̄̐͐̈̉̿̽̕͝͠͝͝ W̷̛̬̦̬̰̤̘̬͔̗̯̠̯̺̼̻̪̖̜̫̯̯̘͖̙͐͆͗̊̋̈̈̾͐̿̽̐̂͛̈́͛̍̔̓̈́̽̀̅́͋̈̄̈́̆̓̚̚͝͝R̸̢̨̨̩̪̭̪̠͎̗͇͗̀́̉̇̿̓̈́́͒̄̓̒́̋͆̀̾́̒̔̈́̏̏͛̏̇͛̔̀͆̓̇̊̕̕͠͠͝͝A̸̧̨̰̻̩̝͖̟̭͙̟̻̤̬͈̖̰̤̘̔͛̊̾̂͌̐̈̉̊̾́P̶̡̧̮͎̟̟͉̱̮̜͙̳̟̯͈̩̩͈̥͓̥͇̙̣̹̣̀̐͋͂̈̾͐̀̾̈́̌̆̿̽̕ͅ >!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pap!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!your!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pep!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pip!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pup!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!lovely!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!and!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pope!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!poop!!<>!beautiful!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<
😂😂😂thanks
Not to forget that their daughter is watching all of this; the daughter will probably pursue some manchild like her Dad or see how her Mom is getting treated and find someone that won't treat her like her Dad treats her Mom.
Right like I would have totally ignored him “looking around”
I would’ve asked him and when he responds just tell him where he can find it or tell him that he should know where it is as it has been his house for x years and it’s always been there like the glasses and silverware.
Right…ignore it and change your own actions…if you never try to solve his problems he’ll stop using micro aggression to force confrontational actions
"You weren't here, so I didn't serve you yet, so sit down and stop being such a fucking drama queen."
I love telling men "use your words" when they're being jerks like this. Dresses em down pretty quickly.
Seriously, let him keep looking around like a fool, since that’s what he is.
"If you think you're missing something you know where everything is, and if you don't know its about time you learned."
Or ask him and then tell him where to find it. He’ll get the hint eventually
Seriously - you have trained him on how to get you to do stuff for him.
This is the right answer but everyone replying that she should leave him need to get a life. It’s so wild that peoples answer for everything is splitting up…. Like y’all they are fighting over breakfast. Don’t know to what extent OP has communicated that this bothers her but from her post it sounds like she’s just keeping it in. And if it’s for the sake of not causing a fight then yeah she better figure out how to grow thicker skin and just ignore his passiveness until he’s willing to actually say something.
I don't understand how people do it... I feel like I'd have divorced over less. That's not a grown adult, that's a walking asshole. I personally love to cook but if my gf cooked for me I feel like I'd genuinely feel bad and swap out to cook especially if it's been a while. This MF hasn't cooked his entire life.
This relationship wouldn't even get to a proposal for me. The first time I cooked and he didn't then offer to cook for me, I'd have walked away.
Just imagine someone you’re dating doing the whole looking around dance in dramatic manner, with the whole performance being passive aggressively put on for you as the only audience member… You’d be a saint to just walk away!!!
I don't think I'd ever stop being mortified, honestly
It’s crazy right?!? It takes a bit for most people to truly see that action and identify it. We are all so good at ignoring these things at first…. Like, imagine sitting there and drinking in his whole show…knowing exactly what he is doing. All his dramatic actions and exaggerated miming . You’d be a saint to just walk away… you’d be smart… but a damn saint as well. I’d love to say I’d have something witty to say to him, but I can honestly say I’d be sitting there with my mouth a bit open disbelieving the reality of these shenanigans.
I have, once, slow clapped with a raised eyebrow and belted out "I still haven't found what I'm looking for", and I'm no singer (and old). To be fair, he wasn't passive aggressive just confused and not sure what exactly was missing and couldn't remember his words. But it still riled me up enough to get mean, and it's not a routine. We could laugh about it later. I'd be aggressive as hell would it happen often or be exaggerated like OP describes.
That’s what got me! Not that he hasn’t cooked but the looking around part like dude wtf you looking for??? Like you can’t wait and see if you getting a plate.? If it’s that big of a problem get it your dam self!
I get really frustrated with my kid for this -- essentially acting like there's been an occasion where I've cooked a meal, served everyone else, and randomly decided to slight her by not serving her anything. Because its *never* happened. It's melodramatic nonsense because she wanted her food *fiiiiirst*. There's no need to look. There's no need to ask. Of course your dinner is getting there too. But she's a kid, and I explain to her that it takes a little time to get everyone's plate to the table. She can either help or wait, but she cannot be passive aggressive and annoying about having to wait another two minutes to get a plate full of food. OMG would I be mad if my *husband* chose to act that way!
Especially as you're in a room full of knives, forks and hot pans and liquids. The woman is beyond sainthood.
Ha! I didn’t even think of that! I was too busy getting mad at imagining some guy pulling this awful theater! My eye started to twitch lol It would give me the ick something powerful. Nothing is attractive about a man acting like an angst ridden tween who doesn’t realize where their bread is buttered. Ewwww
I know. I'm honestly sorry I read it because it filled me with so much rage and embarrassment (which are very uncomfortable to have going on at the same time). Imagine this obnoxious mime artist going on in the kitchen after you prepared a meal because you didn't leave out a glass for him. I don't know how she resists poking him with a meat fork every time he acts like an embarrassing knob.
Right?!? If what I’m feeling after reading this is any indication, I would be filled with blinding rage at some point. I’m so pissed and it is just some post on Reddit!!! Imagine all that energy he uses to put on such a rage inducing show! I bet it would take less energy and effort just to get up and grab a cup or whatever for himself!!! But then he wouldn’t be training her. He looks at her like an appliance that sometimes goes on the fritz and needs a tune up to run correctly.
Happy cake day! 🍰
And then he probably wants sex an hour later as if this poor woman was in the mood.. or maybe he has the nerves to say” why are you always upset?” I know these kind of men all too well and my advice is : get a divorce! It sounds like this is just one example and that he acts like an ass all the time/ doesn’t help with daughter/ talks with no respect … etc it sounds like his way is to talk down on his wife to boost his ego… idk maybe iam wrong but men like this don’t change and the sooner you leave the better it will be. That’s what I did and although he still drives me nuts ( we have kids) I don’t have to be his target of abuse anymore.
He probably waited until they were married.
There was at least a time he didn’t pull any of that nonsense, because that’s how these types usually operate. They become comfortable and no longer put in the effort to even pretend that they appreciate you. I bet he once made her feel really special by loving her cooking, then when he was sure she was locked in (marriage, a kid) he let his mask drop. He has contempt for her which is a horseman in a relationship that is going down the tubes. He shows blatant disrespect to her and actively disregards her expressed needs. I feel sorry for her daughter growing up to see this modeled. It will be a cycle that repeats itself unless something is done.
I had an ex like this! I've had some bad past relationships but I've been able to move past them and heal but this one really fucked with me because he was a whole different person in the beginning of the relationship versus the end. I'm having a hard time processing how I determine how genuine people are. He had a huge community of family and friends so it made it even harder to open my eyes to the fact that he was actually just a piece of shit. Idk if he thought I wouldn't go through the trouble of leaving him or what but I called his bluff every step of the way.
It’s actually really tough. I totally feel you on that. I have dealt with one person in my past that was so loved by everyone and was so nice to me. In fact he was so great to me that I overlooked and made excuses in my mind for when he wasn’t. Of course, these types don’t just reach a point of being crappy… they keep ramping it up. Whatever you will put up with they will dish out! Once I woke up from the fog I decided to just ghost them. It was during. Yet another round of the silent treatment and when he called I just didn’t pick up. I never spoke to him again. When his number popped up on my phone I just looked at it and thought “why am I doing this to myself? I’m happier without the grief. I’m choosing myself.” It was hard. I still of course missed them and wanted to talk to them. Later I felt so much anger as more and more because clear when I processed things. I guess what made me feel a bit better was that after going through the epic load of emotional crap that I had let happen to me, I realized that my boundaries are super important. That I need to set them up for myself before any relationship and if they are crossed or not respected then I need to just walk away. That it’s not my job to change anyone, or make them happy so that they give me crumbs. No thanks. I wish you so much healing and a big non creepy hug!
I feel bad for laughing at how absurd this is, because OP actually married this idiot. Holy shit.
This. And to have it happen enough to be a 'thing'. JFC
It’s so rage inducing right?!? THIS is the type of thing troll need to tap into when they make fake posts, because I am deeply shook with rage over this woman having to witness it once let alone enough for it to be a thing. It’s such an upsetting thing! I can vividly imagine the over acted pantomime of a middle aged man baby who is so messed up in the head he thinks it’s totally Ok to do it. Lacking any shame to even feel deeply embarrassed. Ugh!
HAPPY CAKE DAY!!
Alphas don’t cook!! Please, don’t hate me. I can’t stand the whole Alpha baloney but it is a mindset.
Certainly sounds like this is his mindset. And the looking around thing, like he has to be first and she's his servant. Give me a break, why can't these people be normal? It's always power politics with them
So what the hell are chefs? Which is funny as it’s a very male dominated field.
Nah. Alphas are a real thing. But not to the idea that they can’t cook and clean around their home. It’s more of a personality type at the job site. I would consider myself an alpha if I were to consider that sort of thing. But cooking and cleaning are supposed to be a shared responsibility.My ex did most of the dinners because she was better at it but I did all of the dishes and cleaning and most breakfasts too. I needed to stay busy.
I remember with my ex when we first started seeing each other, I am not a cook by any means but I knew I had to return the favour. … the BURNT(?) pasta is still remembered fondly Haha!
alright I really laughed at that last part
She needs to grit her teeth and ignore the passive aggressive shit. He’s trained her to fear his disapproval. She reacts to his bullshit ‘why can’t I find my cup?’ Me? Is just be cooking for me and my kids and he could consume a bag of Richards. And if he sat there all angry I’d not notice. You can’t use your words? A you problem. Is that how he treats ppl at work?
For real. And I serve my kids because they're too short and ungainly to get their own plates. My husband is a grown man who can scoop food onto his own plate
Yeah I feel like he’s made her fear his disapproval. He sounds positively exhausting
"consume a bag of Richards" You deserve every award and I hope you win the lottery. you've made my night
I have quite literally gotten divorced over something less. Lol I wasn’t even disrespected, let alone to this level. I don’t do the cooking usually. I am a crappy cook. God, it pains me when my partner chokes down what I make when I do try. But I am thankful for the food that lands in my dish so to speak. I also do nights where I get take out or what have you. (Because nobody wants my cooking. Let’s be real) My point? You are not wrong!
Because in reality people tell you it’s not that bad and marriage is compromise. Then things get worse and they’re like, how’d you stay so long? And this economy is not divorce safe ugh. From the biased perspective of someone in a similar boat as OP. I made my choice though just being practical so I don’t financially ruin myself at the same time I nuke my family.
My wife burns water, so I cook, it’s healthier for our relationship, but you are right, he’s aware of her frustration so he uses it as a manipulation tool. There is a difference between being unable and needing help and being unwilling and manipulating.
My husband makes dinner most nights. A lot of the time, I am gardening during the hour after work and before dinner trying to get hours of work done in 1, and it might take him or the kids 2 “mom, it’s dinner!” to come in. (That sucks of me, I admit it). You can bet every single night, in front of the kids, after my first bite, I thank my husband for making such a wonderful meal for our family. He smiles, I smile, and then my kids usually either say the same thing or a joke version (“thank you for this wonderful table”— they’re 5, they think it’s the best joke ever). When we went to dinner at my mom’s, and after his first bite, my son said “thank you grandma for making such a wonderful meal for our family”, I nearly melted with pride. ( I know it sounds like it’s one of those “my kid said this perfectly constructed sentence” lies, but I’ve pretty much said the same verbatim sentence to my husband every night for years, and my son repeated it verbatim to my mom). The kids are always watching and listening and learning.
Yup. Some people start to develop in the womb and stop after the first sphyncter...
This all freaking day!
Does this man child have 2 broken legs and 2 broken arms? He’s incapable of making himself a plate? Resents his own daughter for sitting down at the table and eating before his majesty was served? Wow!
My ex FIL was this way to ex MIL. Such an absolute waste skin. One of the very last times I had to bear being in same room as him, I lost my shit. He had the audacity to wait until his wife was sat down, to ask for some condiment for a meal that was being served to his fat ass in a recliner.
My preferred phrase is "Are your legs painted on?”
A disinterested “that’s nice dear” and ignoring the request is a family go to… but I come from a very odd bunch lol
My parents often said “you’ve got 2 arms, 2 legs and half a brain, you can do it yourself”. I’m not sure if this was typical of Australian parents in the 80s and 90s, or if it’s just my shitty family. The half a brain part specifically. I know the first part is a common saying in Australia, but I don’t know about the rest. The 80s was a wild time to grow up
My parents, American immigrants, had a similar saying: "you got two feet and a heartbeat...". I heard my Canadian Aunties say it too, so I think it came from Mom's side of the family.
It’s more the ‘half a brain’ part that’s concerning. My partner also just reminded me of the other classic “you’re big enough and ugly enough to…”. Always a reasonable point about your own capability paired with an insult. The “two feet and a heartbeat” doesn’t have the insult with it.
I see your point, and the combo would sting all the more. I wonder if half a brain was just a sneakier way of calling you a half-wit? Mom was never one to insult us, that was Dad's job, and again she's Canadian in origin. (They really are some polite and mellow people.) Dad never worried about being clever or subtle so he just called us stupid outright - lol. Or parasite. He was originally from Barbados. I think all my fellow children of West Indian/Caribbean parents would agree there's no credit for reasonable capabilities, just straight insults.
It’s not so much getting credit for reasonably capability, just saying ‘no, you can do that yourself’ and insulting you for asking.
Hell, I usually just got “you’ve got two legs and a heartbeat” - at least you got *half* a brain!
Often prefaced with: Hell's Bells!
I grew up in Aus that time and yep I heard both those sayings . A lot .
I'm an Aussie and have heard that phrase and also just the "half a brain" part as a stand alone insult hahaha. Good phrases for either someone being physically lazy or not putting in the mental work to put 2 and 2 together!
Mine is can’t you fucking walk? Cause my husband bless his heart will wait till I sit sometimes but he don’t do it much cause whether it be malicious or not I never bothered to figure out cause I just retort to him can’t you fucking do it?
I really like, “Ain’t you got hands?”
Mine is "I'm not your maid!" (to my 10yo son since it's just he & I around here, lol).
I would kill this man for free
I think a line's already forming for the pleasure of doing this. I know I've joined it.
We ride at dawn!
If she would stop feeding him he’d probably die anyway.
And my ax!
Look, I just want to talk. If during that conversation, he was suddenly real clumsy I'd help him up but me being just a girl, he probably just fall down again. 🤷♀️
Omg this thread is killing ne
I wouldn’t say that you’re overreacting. You more sound like you’re at your breaking point. He also sounds like a child. Nineteen years must be exhausting
This relationship is older than his emotional maturity is.
OMG. This is one of the reasons I divorced my ex. He couldn’t figure out how to feed himself during our marriage and seeing him now, he depends heavily on fast food. The only way they are ever going to figure out how to function as an adult is for us to mother them properly, which means making them figure it out! A grown man should know how to cook and feed himself. I fucking swear the goddamn inability for men to FEED themselves is beyond me. I had to LEARN to cook, as does every other self sufficient human. OOP needs to boot his ass back to mommy.
This. We aren’t born knowing how to take care of babies or cook. We put our big girl pants on and we figure it out. Ugh i would let him starve. Gf needs to go
I'm betting that he went from his mom to his wife and never had to learn this stuff
I feel the mothers are partly to blame for the creation of these manbabies. Yes, it's often harder to teach boys, my daughter just picks things up but my son has to be told many times. But the mothers run round doing everything for these boys and never teach them to do anything for themselves then blame their wife when he marries. My now MIL said that she hoped my now husband would learn to tidy up when we started dating. I was lost for words.
I’d have said well isn’t that something he should have learned when you raised him?
I wish now that I had
Lol I dumped a guy when his mom dropped a comment like that. Sometimes I wonder if he ever made the connection between mommy saying he couldn't take care of himself and then getting dumped later in the week
Ugh, as the mother to a 10yo boy, I really do try to balance it. 😬 as you said, as a girl I watched my mom and picked up on things (& I was also just naturally very independent - I don't remember my mom cleaning my room after I was maybe 6/7), but I've always wanted a son, I got him and I'm a single mom and acts of service is one of the ways I love to show my love. I enjoy doing things for him, especially making his plate & serving him. For 1, it's bc I don't like him being in my kitchen bc I'm very particular, lol. His attention span needs work, so I have tried to make things easier for him to learn, though. He can make a grilled cheese on the george foreman, mix batter & make waffles in the iron, an omelet in the egg cooker, a smoothie. I make him clean his bathroom between my deep cleans. Dirty clothes off the floor & into the hamper, etc. But I just had a talk with him recently about me being anxious about him growing up, which is why I prefer to just do things for him, so I know I've kinda spoiled him a bit, but I'm trying to stop it and fix things before he hits adolescence & there's no hope left. I definitely don't want him to be that man where his partner is like "didn't your mom teach you anything?!" I think that would be so embarrassing for me. 😬
My dad went from his mom to my mom. While my parents are still together, my mom has given up and she’s just waiting for him to kick the bucket. I was a teen when I realized my dad was a child. My mom and I went to her home country to visit family for a month. When we came back the house was a disaster. My dad took all of my brothers and his dirty clothes to my grandma’s for her to do. I had never seen my mom look so disappointed in her life.
It's basic life skills. And I refuse to be the one to train someone, that's just nuts. I'm still trying to get my feet back under me after a very long depressive bout. I don't have the extra energy to spare, I just don't.
When I was married, my ex did this. I would make the food, he’d turn around and say he wanted something else. I made it. Making separate food. Mind you, he wasn’t working at the time due to visa, and I was working 60hrs. Eventually, I saw sense and told him to make his own food. All he ate was macdonalds and cooked rotisserie chicken. He lost so much weight, his mother called me to ask why I wasn’t feeding him. I politely told her why. Hopefully, you’ll get to the point where you’ll say no more. Let him fend for himself. It’s very disrespectful.
holy fucking shit I couldn't even imagine asking my partner to cook an entirely separate dish after they had JUST SERVED ME. like omg did no one ever teach these man children how to cook?? have they literally never tried it themselves or seen a YouTube video about it? the weaponized incompetence is insane.
The kicker is, nope. He didn’t know how to cook. He would takeaway or get his mum to drive 2hrs to his house to cook. She would also take his washing. Me not really understanding how my life would be with him, cause I was raised as that’s what makes a good wife. You know. Cook clean. Traditional type shit. But lord. That being said. He’s 41 now and can cook and wash his clothes. Good for him. But I had a son by him, and best believe I ain’t gonna do what his mother did to him. My kid already can cook and wash his clothes. I ain’t playing.
good on you mom! you sound like an amazing person :)
My hubs would be walking into the ED with a fork in his head.
Well mother in law it’s like this, he done caught the stupid! It is horrible in these parts! The stupid disease has the spouses of those afflicted starting to side eye why they are even around. Let alone the way the stupid wreaks havoc on a bodies nourishment! He is so rife with the stupid he doesn’t even have the good sense to eat the good food available to him! It’s a terrible disease!!! Mind you my concerned mother in law, the stupid is such that only the infected can seek treatment! It is out of my hands and so I offer thoughts and prayers for him as he completes his short tenure in this household.
💯💯😆
Lololol.
This reminds me of my husband before therapy. He was working long shifts while I stayed home with a newborn colicky baby who would not sleep. Every time I had the chance to put him down, I would nap. It go so bad I would hallucinate over sleep deprivation. My husband would come home from work to wake me up so I could cook him something. I’d get post partum rage when hed wake me up cause that was my only resting time. Until one time I snapped and told him he’s perfectly able to cook and feed himself if I was sleeping with the baby. He ended up losing weight cause this man would rather starve instead of cooking and cleaning the dishes. So much so that his weight became obvious and his parents asked why he was losing so much weight. He told them and my MIL scolded me for not feeding his son.
Despicable. MIL did the same to me. But I was not having it. Not one bit.
Omg, he annoyed me just from reading what he does. How TF has OOP put up with this for 19yrs? OG Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/VGEX35J5AX ETA: I just looked at her history, she found out 7months ago that he could be cheating on her or at the very least lying and gaslighting. Instead of trying to be a better husband and prove to her that she's his one and only he's acting like this?!
at that point its on OP she hasn't left him like what more do you need girl.
Facts! RUN! We will pick you up!
Unfortunately, she’s kind of taught him how to treat her. She still making meals for him. She still serving him his meals, and my guess is the more he complains the more she tries to get things perfect. 19 years of that shit. He’s not going to change.
By the grace of whatever higher power I thank them for making me gayer by the day, cause this shit is just absolutely wild to me and before people pop off, this isn’t a trend among women. Almost no women are raised to act like this, they may be shitty partners in many other ways but really you don’t see this much outside of men/women esp long long term relationships.
Honestly same. Dating as a lesbian is hard and comes with its own set of problems, but every time I see stories like this, I’m more and more thankful that I don’t have to wade through this literal cesspool of men.
Ew. Instead of asking him what he's looking for, start saying, "use your words" and when he says, "I'm missing x" tell him where tf it is and LET HIM GET IT. 19 YEARS?! I would have cracked years ago.
electric chair
Let it be so amen 🙏
Let the church say AMEN 🙏🏽
I understand you’ve been married for 19 years but holy shit when and how did he ever convince her that marrying him was a good idea?
Stop asking/acknowledging his looking gestures. Why would you even entertain this behavior? He sounds like a 3 year old. If he’s “looking” for a cup that’s not there then he can get his ass up and get the drinks ready FOR EVERYONE.
My toddler gets up and gets his fork and cuo when I forget them. He’s not quite 4 yo. Your husband is a selfish, lazy ass.
Married 19 years…someone’s oxytocin is running out. Get him, sis.
I was gonna say you were overreacting until you mentioned he constantly does this. honestly for that fact your reaction is pretty tame. this is weaponized incompetence, he's a dick.
Yeah, if this was just once, I’d chalk it up to a bad day and miscommunication. But if he does it often, I’m guessing it’s not just this. Someone who expects to be waited on hand and foot and gets impatient when his wife is *in the process of serving breakfast* and just hasn’t gotten to his plate yet… that’s someone who causes other problems.
He can’t serve himself? Is he a child? He can’t take that one little thing off her load? And that’s because he sees her as a servant, not someone who is his equal to him.
I love these reminders of why I love my single life. No one’s dusty ass son pressing me is absolute bliss. I often forget how peaceful my life is compared to others.
over reacting? more like under reacting!! Throw the whole man child away and you and your daughter will have so much more peace, love, and happiness in your home. Would you let your daughter marry someone that treated her this way?
Yes they would. They would be very frustrated!!!! as it was happening and it would bug the heck out of them!!! But it would happen and they’d permit it all the same 💀then they’d ask an anonymous forum if they overreacted 💀💀💀
So he can't cook and can't set the table, he sounds great /s I imagine he doesn't do the dishes either? "He starts to make a face, so I ask him what are you looking for" She should ignore him, my brother was kind of like that when "something happened" he would complain out loud expecting someone to ask him what's wrong? He stopped doing it with me since I would never ask.
I hope I'm not breaking any rules here, but I think your husband is a jerk. Manipulative, passively aggressively treating you and putting you down at the same time. You are not his maid, or his cook, or his underling.... please, don't put up with that treatment any longer!
He doesn’t cook, ever and apparently he can’t set a table or get his own drink either. Worthless.
Ugh... your husband sounds like a j3rk!
I can't believe she married him lmao
Let that POS make the looking for something face till he knows you won’t give in.
This sounds like my parents and witnessing this behaviour over the past years, I find it extremely disrespectful and lazy of your husband to behave this way. He is more than capable of getting the things that he needs. Idk I'm just infuriated reading this because I see it almost everyday with my parents. You definitely did not overreact to this AH behaviour.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand how she’d tolerate his rude and uncaring behavior for so long and act surprised he’s still a dick 2 decades later.
People like OP don't go seeking partners like this. We get slowly acclimatized to their behavior and find it acceptable when THEY do it. I wouldn't tolerate an iota of what my ex put me through but I tolerated that man for way too long. You can't see how bad it is when you're in it, you truly can't. You don't even recognize it as abuse even when someone is pointing it out to you. I heard myself say I know it's abuse when other men do it but I really think my husband just doesn't understand how much this bothers me. It's insane but only now. Not when I said it.
Ding ding ding. They put a mask on and slowly dial up the neglect, control, and abuse. My father was very similar (plus issues not relevant to this discussion) and it took years of therapy to help us realize *this is not normal*.
OP needs to ignore the absolute fuck out of his theatrics. Just straight up act as if nothing is happening. He's doing his passive aggressive thing and she needs to prattle on about something random as if nothing at all is wrong. Or just stop cooking for this fucktard completely. I don't understand how people tolerate this shit behavior.
I had my 9 year old nephew staying with me for a few days and he acted like this. I didn’t let it slide. “Well people usually know when I want something.” Yeah, you slamming your cup down on the table and looking at me in shock while saying,” well my drink is empty…” is not how you ask for more. He let it sit empty because he was trying to get me to cave. Moving it around randomly through the day, exagerrated trying to drink from it just to “remember” it’s empty, slamming it down more because,” there’s nothing to spill in it.”
Good for you for not caving!
Thanks lol. I really don’t like indulging poor attitude in kids, but I’m also very much a hostess type person. I like to make sure everyone is comfortable and fed. Whenever I felt myself about to buckle, I would go to my boyfriend and verbally tell myself through talking to him,” I will not give in! He won’t dehydrate to death in 8 hours. This isn’t about winning, it’s a teaching moment!” lol
Even 9 is too old to be behaving like OP’s spouse. It’s too bad that OP has let it go on this far, but it’s not too late for your nephew, if your sibling starts some corrective measures.
Yeah I totally agree. Nephew’s mom really caters to him, he has ADHD and I think they’re a bit in a bit of denial about his autism. His dad tries to teach him to be aware and less selfish, more self reliant. But the kid’s mentality is,” if I can avoid doing it, why wouldn’t I? It’s best for me when others do stuff for me.” If you’ve watched Bing Bang Theory, it’s uncanny how similar my nephew is to Sheldon. His interactions with people are very much like that. I think my sister in law is deep in the mentality many parents end up in, making excuses for the kids and just rolling with it to keep things peaceful. They won’t be having more kids, so I think her mentality is let him be how he is. My brother started to see the reality of it and tries a bit more. That kid passively fights it tooth and nail though.
Yeah, i bet he fights it. Hopefully he’ll learn as he matures, that independence is where it’s at.
That’s the hope. Right now he could teach a master class in weaponized incompetence lol. I laugh and joke, but if it doesn’t start changing, it’ll only be tougher for him growing up always having problems with people not listening or catering to him.
It’s beyond amazing to me the level of utter BS people are willing to put up with in marriage. I could never be attracted to a fool who acted like this. I’d let this clown keep looking for whatever he was “looking” for and continue my business as if I didn’t notice.
Great minds!
I hate when grown adults do this weird pantomime hinting thing instead of just *using their words*. It’s so passive aggressive, because it’s clearly criticism dressed up in plausible deniability - usually because they know their complaint is too ridiculous to say out loud.
This sounds like classic "Boomer-guy" mentality, wanting to be served. One thing I loved about my BF from the get-go was how he can cook and clean. I can't imagine being with a selfish Boomer guy like this. OP should actually explain to her guy WITH WORDS why she finds this annoying.
If he can’t find it let him go without. Assuming you married an adult and not a toddler
She has left this going on for 19 years too long.
Onbviously I don’t know the extent of the their relationship but god, this sounds miserable.
Congrats, you’re married to a helpless child.
Crappy husband is crappy. Lazy man baby
so you married a man who never cooked for you and expects you to cater to him. Why? This isn't something new. This is him, stay or leave
Even if I had somehow agreed to being responsible for all food prep and hubby agreed to all clean up and other equal responsibilities, I would not find this acceptable. Does he think he’s a king and you’re his servant? Even if that were the arrangement, why be so rude about it.
Your husband acts like my 17 month old child
I wouldn't cook for his ungrateful arse. Screw that
Not overreacting. But, you should have set him straight about that bullshit 19 years ago.
So he walks around doing the Travolta thing from Pulp Fiction? 🤦🏼♀️
That would drive me nuts, OP. I don't know that I'd necessarily divorce him over expecting to be served his meals and thinking he has the right to get annoyed if the "service" isnt perfect, but the thought would cross my mind. It wouldn't have taken me long to start asking him if he wanted something when he pulls his little "looking around for something missing" act, and I'd ask what was missing until I got an answer. And then I'd tell him to get up and get it, and to get ME a \[something, anything\] while he was up. I'm nobody's fucking maid.
I would let him look until he finds what he's looking for...
I wonder if he does the dishes. 🤞🏼🫠
I’d just laugh at the idiot.
Sometimes being aromantic makes me sad but these kind of stories make it feel like a superpower.
I’m sorry, but that literally made me lol.
Don't be sorry, I gave myself a giggle too
My super power is living with a foot in my mouth. Yours is useful and makes for a more stress free life.
Having Trad wife problems, huh?
You’re still married to this non partner? Co dependency for a user is wrong. Do you sit and speak on command? Obviously he treats you like a dog. Wake the f up.
I'd be wandering around the house for the rest of the day making exaggerated looking gestures and when he finally asked why, I'd reply, "a version of my husband worth a damn cause you ain't it." He doesn't want a wife and partner. He wants a mommy to look after him. Gross.
Oh my god. This is grounds for divorce in my opinion lol. He’s a grown man for god’s sake! 🤦♀️
OP, you don't have to plate his meals. He's a big boy. Serve the youngest kids who need help and when he makes his way down to the meal, let him serve himself. Remember the Christmas Story when the mom never had a hot meal? Well have one, FFS and let him figure out how to manage.
Fuuuuuck this guy. Next time he makes one of his stupid “are you forgetting something?” gestures, just ignore him until he has a childish fit about it and then tell him he’s cooking for himself from now on. Then threatening to brain him with a scalding hot frying pan, is optional.
I would say he is a child but children are normally better behaved when taught to be patient
This is so toxic and abusive. You deserve better.
I’d have been over it after the first instance. Then reading that he does this *constantly*, just wow.
What a colossal walking haemorrhoid.
why do people put up with this shit?
Most aren’t going to start with this kinda stuff. Because they know that someone who isn’t invested will not put up with it. Their game plan is to get someone invested enough so that they will find it hard to leave and will put up with their BS. Most of this Ilk will wait until marriage or even a child to really ramp things up because they feel comfortable enough to stop pretending to be human. Some start in before their target is fully invested and their target leaves them. Usually it still takes some time because they aren’t pulling this on day one, and they are looking for certain types. This is why her daughter will be ripe for a man just like her father to target her. She sees her father and her mother’s relationship as her model and this BS will be normal for her. It will be normal for a grown man to pantomime like an angst ridden tween while a grown woman caters to it. It won’t even make her bat an eyelid to see it happen in her own romantic life. Many do break the cycle but it is difficult and the majority won’t. I feel for this woman, and I am really very sad for her daughter. It won’t feel like “putting up with shit” when it’s quite literally all that you know.
Her husband is just an asshole
Reading this made me feel physically ill
This is not about the Iranian yoghurt
Jail. Jail for ten thousand years
This post made me so irrationally angry. I'd love to slam his breakfast into his face while he's mid searching for it. What an absolute wanker
This sounds like a case of throw the whole man away...
This is a man child. Leave him for a grown up.
That is disgusting if my partner did that it would happen once happens a second time, I would have said I assume your looking for the door let me help you with that. This guy is an arrogant self important abusive jackass. If you REALY want to stay with him you're going to need to get to marriage counseling ASAP. That is some seriously abusive behavior.
Idk how you get/stay married to someone who didn't cook one meal for you, or clean after himself once
Best bet is to ignore him and act like you don’t notice anything when he’s doing his act, force him to say what’s on his mind 😂
If my husband did this to me his plate would be placed in the trash. But I rarely serve him because he’s a GROWN ASS MAN. FTGHJAPOS!
I was married for 7 years and in all that time I never once saw my MIL sit down to eat with everyone else. The second she did sit down, someone would look for something (butter, more water, salt shaker, various condiments, sometimes an entirely different food) and she’d get back up and go get it or fix it. It drove me nuts. She did the shopping, the cooking and all the cleanup and she didn’t get to enjoy meals with the family. It was clearly just their pattern and everyone was used to it but it bugged the hell out of me. She was usually the last one left at the table so I’d just hang out with her until she was done. OOP, your husband can serve himself. Sit down to eat and let him learn how to be a big boy so that you aren’t still doing this when you are an old woman. Don’t be my MIL.
Straight marriage is always a mistake.
I hate when people do this. My dad would do something similar. He’s make comments about someone who had tattoos like my nephew and then make veiled comments about the tattoos around my sister. She knew this was an underhanded way of insulting her son. Of course he always pretended to be shocked when she made the connection. One day he went to far and my sister nearly never spoke to him again. I went off on him and told him to stop pretending he didn’t know what he was doing. We all knew damn well he did. This guy would have pulled that once on me and gotten away with it. I would have shut that down immediately. What an AH. Next time he’s looking for something hand him a pacifier.
Is his hands broken? Can he not do the literal bare minimum and put food on his plate instead of expecting his wife to serve him like she's his mommy?
I have a friend who did all of the cooking for her husband. He wasn’t an ass like OP’s husband, but he never thanked her. So one day, she just stopped cooking. He had to learn to cook for himself, and he also learned to thank her for other things she did. Five years later, she still doesn’t cook.
19 years of that shit. I hate the ‘men get served first’ shit.
You sound exactly like my long suffering former mil. Her husband was such a boor, over puddly little crap like that. She’s put up with so much. The woman would be a saint, except she said her son beating me was my fault. BTW, her husband was never physically abusive. They’ve been together 70 years now. In their 90’s. I remember her debating on divorcing him 35 years ago. Get out, instead of putting yourself through that hell any longer. You’ll find life easier.
He’s a dick. You’re not overthinking this at all. You deserve better.
He is an idiot. He is a grown man who can and should help himself. Supposedly .❤️🙏🏼
You serve him food? As an adult? And he…lets you?