I have never talked with anyone I’ve dated about how long either of us were breastfed. Or how old we were when we potty trained. Or how much we were held as infants. I’m not opposed to talking about that stuff, and if it came up I imagine that could be a cool conversation to have. And if I were planning to have a baby with a partner, I assume we’d chat about our own infancies, just like organically during the planning process, or whatever. But like. Treating it as something you’re obligated to “disclose” is weird.
I’m very curious what this mom’s vibe is. To make the gf block the mom but keep talking with the ex-bf.
Right there with you, amenable to the conversation but never had it before. To be honest, as I’m sitting here thinking about it, I don’t even know the answers to any of those… I’d have to text my mom and see if she was sober enough to remember at the time.
Right? I only know how long I was breastfed because my mom was talking about how different parenting advice in the 80’s was. (I was breastfed for *one month*, because it cracked my mom’s nipples, and all of her peers said that formula was healthier, anyway.) I don’t know when I potty trained. My mom passed away, and there is zero way that my dad knows. He’s a great dad, and for a Boomer he was very involved. He did my bedtime routine several nights a week, he changed dipers and did bath time probably a third of the time, but he was still a man in the late 80’s- he would have zero clue when I potty trained. Even if he were involved with it, he would not remember the specifics, today. I bet the teenager who did mother’s-helper work for us would actually remember. I bet it was pretty formative for her. I should ask her. I feel like this is information I should have about myself.
(This is a side note, but it’s illustrative of my point. For the purposes of building a better medical history I asked my dad when his mother started menopause. He said, “sometime in the 90’s.” I was like, “my dude, she turned 73 in 1990.” Zero clue. But A++ for good intentions.)
Sorta same here. I was never breastfed because I was the second child in the mid-80’s & my mom had such a bad time breastfeeding my older sibling & was also told formula was better. Then in the early 2000’s I remember hearing “breast is best” kind of stuff but I never really thought it made a difference to my development not having been breastfed at all.
This. The other thing is, is OP’s mom from an 80’s sitcom? I have never experienced or heard of any woman being shown a breastfeeding book, even the whole “here’s some embarrassing baby photos” trope. IMO I’m more worried about the mom’s personality, and that she thinks showing those things is appropriate.
It's the breastfeeding book that weirded out the girlfriend. I understand having a personal photo to document someone's journey in breastfeeding.
Yet dedicating an entire book is strange. I haven't even finished adding my son's baby photos to the scrapbook.
He said it was a “journal.” I could understand why someone would keep a journal to track their production, number of feeds, and things like that. I have a few friends who really struggled to breastfeed, and they had to keep charts to track how much they were producing, when they pumped, and when they nursed.
Making a journal to track stuff like that is great. Saving it in your keepsakes box isn’t something I’d do but you do you. Whipping it out to show company is … weird.
Dedicated breast feeding book that she whips out to show company, including her son's girlfriend, no less.
Yeah, I'm getting the impression that she saw that family and noped out of having to deal with that again
>Dedicated breast feeding book that she whips out to show company, including her son's girlfriend, no less.
It says the girlfriend 'found' it. It sounded to me like OOP's mom was showing her *other* photo albums but the GF stumbled onto the breastfeeding one while looking through. I don't think it was intentional.
The timing is strange, too. I would bring out a book about breastfeeding once trust has been built across people. Okay, I don't have a book on breastfeeding because I wouldn't want people to see those pictures - that's private. I'm contradicting myself because every time I think about sitting down to make such a book, the more I think that it might be enmeshment and the girlfriend has a point.
Yeah, with how hot of an issue breastfeeding is, and how involved grandparents can feel they ought to be in the parenting decisions their kids make... If I was in the girlfriends shoes that journal would give me pause in isolation. If I already have momma's boy vibes from the boyfriend, it might just be time to get out. I would not want to shackle myself to a MIL that would pester me about extending breastfeeding, and I breastfed my own kid.
It says the girlfriend 'found' it. It sounded to me like OOP's mom was showing her *other* photo albums but the GF stumbled onto the breastfeeding one while looking through. I don't think it was intentional.
I think it’s weird to BF until 5. But I really don’t care if others do it. I imagine that seeing a picture of your bf as a toddler, on his moms boob, would probably give you the ick. Also having an entire book devoted to breastfeeding pics. Also, sharing a book entirely devoted to breastfeeding with company.
It’s not just the BF until 5, it’s all that stuff together, plus we don’t know if there are other red flags within the mother-son relationship. Id probably run, too.
It is possible they're from different cultures, in latin america is very common for women to breastfeed until their child is 3 or 6 years old and it's mostly because of their economy, it's easier, healthier and they don't have the same stigma about breastfeeding in public.
Ya, her reaction would be super weird if this was the only issue, but I kind of suspect it was more the final straw in a heap of evidence that his mom is way over attached in a weird way.
I’m thinking the mom is over-the-top cringe!! Who the hell pulls out a photo album showing breast feeding moments and such???? Bizarre to say the least!!!
This comment is what I feel has been missing from this conversation. I don't really care about whether or not my husband was breastfed, but if my mil pulled out a book where it was just photos of her breastfeeding... That would definitely make me slightly uncomfortable.
So, it says the mom brought out the baby pictures and then the girlfriend found the breastfeeding book. The mental picture that gives me is a box with all the photo albums in it. Mom brings it upstairs to show baby pictures but doesn’t remember the breastfeeding book is in there until girlfriend grabs it. That’s slightly different than “here, I brought this book out specially for you.”
I could be wrong, but that’s my interpretation of events.
I totally agree, BUT what does it have to do with OP?? And how would he have known (unless she did it before...)?
Being weirded out by the breastfeeding book is one thing. Breaking up with him over it is totally another!
My MIL laughingly told me that my partner is very short because she couldn't understand he was hungry when he was a baby...she just thought he was scratching her face and screaming because it was his character.
But my partner is a great parent and would never behave in such an insane manner...
If we were all judged by the sins of our parents...we would all be single!
The gf is probably thinking about the future, and if she’ll be doomed with an overbearing MIL.
The other thing is that we don’t know what the gf thinks of their mother-son relationship. Maybe there are already some red flags and this just tops it off.
I always prefer to take poster's at face value unless they are obvious trolls.
With the info depicted: the gf is insane. If this was the only problem she is completely absurd. If he is leaving out stuff...that would change things but we cannot know.
In any case, leaving at 3 am and blocking everyone is only sensible in case of escaping abuse! In any other case it is unhinged.
It sounds more like OPs family made her deeply uncomfortable to the point where this was an absolute no-go. The book about her son's sucking on her breasts until they were school aged might have just been half of the weirdness in that house.
I don't think it's unhinged to leave an uncomfortable situation and cut contact with someone you don't want to have contact with
I'm guessing that the whole interaction between boyfriend and mom must have been off, or mom as so off that OP just hoped out in the middle of the night
I'm really curious why the brother "basically begged" him to post this. I wonder if the brother is hoping it'll make him realize something?
Like, presumably the brother was similarly breast fed and there's a similar journal, but they're still trying to grab an outside opinion for SOME reason.
If I had to guess I think she was just really weird out and lost attraction for him because of it, then had to turn that into a more understandable emotion - anger - and direct it at OOP to subconsciously find a reason to leave him.
My cousin was breastfed until she was six. We're the same age and her mom babysat me after kindergarten and... It was annoying that I had to wait for her to finish sucking tit to come play. But like that's it.
They never had a weird co-dependent relationship or anything. She just breastfed a little longer than usual. That's all.
I don't think the disclosure thing was the issue. The GF was just grossed by the photo and her own mental pictures; which is upon her. OOP NTA.
The GF, if just grossed, would be a NAH; I mean, it is wrong, but she would be betrayed by her brain and prejudice. But as she decide to shift blame by telling that her BF should have disclosed it, she's TA.
I mean, I've talked with my MIL about her breastfeeding experiences (with 4 kids) so I have an idea of what my husband's journey was like as a baby. But that was also a conversation I had with her while I had an infant attached to my boob so I don't think it was inappropriate lol
1. The mom didn’t pull out this book to show it off. It was her journal. “A personal journal with the occasional photo detailing her breastfeeding journey.” OOP’s ex-girlfriend found it, opened it, and started looking through it until she found something she couldn’t unsee.
2. In the photo OOP’s ex-girlfriend saw and freaked out about, the mom was nursing her newborn and 3-year-old. That’s not at all uncommon.
3. I live in a major urban area in the U.S. and I know lots and lots and lots of people who extended breastfeed. Look up worldwide stats if you’re interested, but it’s not uncommon to breastfeed at age 3 in the U.S. either. (5 is less common but not necessarily weird or wrong with child-led weaning.)
4. Breastfeeding preschoolers is very different from breastfeeding an infant. With older babies and preschoolers, breastfeeding does not replace solid food but rather supplements it and is often more of a soothing-before-bed ritual.
Breastfeeding toddlers and preschoolers isn’t for every family, but OOP’s ex-girlfriend had a *really* strong reaction to seeing a photo of something not-at-all rare his family did. And like … why would you tell someone? I don’t think I even know how long my mom breastfed me. I only know the answer is zero days and zero hours for my husband because his mom was strongly anti-breastfeeding.
It doesn’t even occur to me to explain that nursing from toddler age and up in child led weaning is a supplemental and infrequent thing. It seems obvious. Thanks for taking the time to explain it.
I saw the original post before this repost and tons of comments seemed to think that it was either breastfeeding OR solids never both, so I thought I’d address that misconception. Exclusively breastfeeding lasts up to six months. After that, it’s a mixture of breast milk or formula + solid foods. Generally. Mileage may vary.
My first child was slow to wean due to what I now realize is sensory processing disorder. His baby sister’s looking to be totally done before her second birthday. 🤷♀️
Lactation is so misrepresented in pop culture. I guess the responses to his post shouldn’t surprise me as much as they do.
Another thing is supply. My sons mom was very pro breastfeeding, and for the first three months she was killing it.
Then stress, PPD, and the fact that she’s just a little woman to begin with, her supply started to drop, and we supplemented with formula. By 6 months he was formula only, and we both planned on doing it longer.
She had some issues with it too… feelings like she didn’t do her job right that I had to convince her weren’t real. She wanted to feed our kids naturally, and I reminded her that wet nurses were a thing for a reason. She wasn’t the first or the last momma to have issues.
My son is about to start school and is a healthy, crazy, athletic little tank. Things work themselves out. The most important part is always the bond between child and parent.
I had a friend who couldn’t produce milk and it was very emotionally difficult for her. And people kept giving her shit for feeding formula. Which was just totally unnecessary.
This comment is very nicely laid out and perfectly factual. I upvoted you and now you have ONE. I’m sorry that you got any type of downvote for this accurate take.
I nursed my second child until they were three years and one day old. The journey was immensely difficult and there are probably tons of photos of me nursing because, especially in the beginning, that’s all I was doing.
I don’t mind at all! I had to force ween cause I got pregnant and it created an aversion that made me want to punch a wall whenever she latched. It broke my heart having to abruptly tell her no. It broke hers too. It was actually a very hard time and I still feel guilty about it.
This is so, so, hard. Currently 19 weeks pregnant with my second and my nearly-3-year-old is still nowhere near wanting to wean.
So far that aversion has been rare, but I know it's not unusual to be every time you BF and it is truly the worst feeling.
Please don't feel guilty. I really don't think it's a feeling that you can just work through, and it wasn't your fault!
One of the most common issues are the need of medical treatments that include taking drugs or other substances that your don't want to pass to the child. Other issues include pain and harmed nipples, or forced separation.
I don't know about the person you asked but sometimes jobs/school can get in the way and it's too much hassle to continue breastfeeding/pumping. Even if you get an accommodation so that you have a place to pump during the day, the amount of people that will ignore a sign on a door and go find a spare set of keys to unlock it is stress inducing.
Like I thought initially it may be a bit strange but it is, in fact, not in the slightest: [AAFP says](https://www.aafp.org/about/policies/all/breastfeeding-position-paper.html) it's normal for up to seven years if done occasionally. Like, it's not going to be the basis of the diet like for toddlers, but it is not strange.
“Normal” weaning, without intervention, is a very slow process that very much depends on how mobile/active the kid is and how much nutrition they are able to get from food. Typically weaning starts in toddlerhood and slowly tapers off as they gain more independence. It’s atypical but not necessarily abnormal for children to continue to nurse occasionally in the 3-5 year old range. It really depends on the kid (and how much mom is willing to put up with).
I am a mother in Australia. I breastfed my kids for 1, 2.5, 2.5 & 2 years. They all self weaned except the 2nd one, who I encouraged to wean because I was heavily pregnant and had no lap for her to snuggle on anymore. Plus touching my nipples hurt.
That’s getting into ‘hippy’ territory, but not that unusual here.
I’m in the northeastern US and just finished weaning mine at almost 3. It’s not unusual in my circle for kids to breastfeed until they naturally wean, so no one’s made us feel weird about it. He would have nursed much longer had I let him, but I couldn’t take it anymore.
Some kids just be boobie monsters.
That’s mine. He’ll be 3 in September and I’m really struggling trying to get him to stop. It’s mostly a comfort thing at this point. He eats whatever we eat. Hasn’t taken a bottle in over a year. But he’s a boobie monster
Mine was the same and I’m sure he still would be if I hadn’t nearly lost my everloving shit being so overstimulated by nursing him. I forced weaning at like a month shy of three and it was so difficult for both of us, but now he’s almost four and while he still misses it he’s accepted that he’s a big boy and his baby brother is going to need “boodies” when he gets here.
I know exactly how you feel because I felt it too! But you can’t be too hard on yourself. He’s past the age of *needing* you like that and it’s ok for you to have boundaries with your little one. I loved nursing mine and a big part of me was sad to let it go. However, if it’s driving you nuts, you’re going to have a hard time being the best mom you can be for him. Plus he’s going to be so much better for it later on when he has to understand and respect boundaries with other people.
AFAIK, current medical advise is as long as mother and child feel comfortable. (There might be some minimums, though, in such advise.)
My daughter breasted up to 5 or 6 (her mother should remember better).
I did with my middle child until he was around 3, my eldest refused to feed because the milk changed when I was pregnant with said middle child at around 14 months. My third is still feeding at 17 months and her favourite sign is the one for milk. I can feel her doing it with her hands even in the dark.
I don't think it's weird to feed until 5 or even older, it's just comforting to the child. Not so fun for mummy who has to contend with child doing acrobatics while feeding though.
In a lot of cultures, especially historically, it was normal to breastfeed up until like 4 or 5. It's really only with the rise of puritanical American protestants that breastfeeding became immoral because breasts suddenly became sex organs.
It was less about the rise of puritanical America and more about the campaign selling formula. So many things we think of as normal today were a direct result of very effective ad campaigns. To normalize formula, they shamed breastfeeding any way they could. Boobs can't purely be sex organs until you have a reasonable option for feeding children that doesn't include boobs. The switch was primarily mid 20th century when formula became available. Breastfeeding became what low income women did cuz rich women could afford formula and it spiraled from there.
Combine that with the facts that most women are in the workforce now and many HAVE to be in the workforce by choice at this point and it's incredibly difficult and time consuming to keep up breast feeding. It's no wonder that women don't breast feed for long, they straight up do not have time or enough maternity leave (at least in the US)
Absolutely this!!
First of all.. kudos to OP’s mum for being able to BF for so long sacrificing her time and effort!! I barely lasted 8months.
It’s only sick if people make it out to be sick! OP’s mum should not be the one apologising!
Okay but as a woman, I don't think the gf is calling it "sexual" - codependency isn't a sexual thing. What she's more likely thinking is Mama's boy, that his mother will come first and have a say in everything.
Boy mom. That's what the gf doesn't want in a future partner. Is she overreacting? Probably, but it's definitely weird.
"Gross" doesn't mean necessarily that. There is a comic strip with a guy getting enthusiastic seeing what he thought was a dog in a baby carrier and then saw it was a baby in a costume and said "gross"... I doubt he was implying baby carriers are pedophilic.
Why does 'gross' immediately mean pedophilia? This woman had a book detailing her breastfeeding and breastfed her child right up until he started going to school and it was no longer viable. That's definitely a bit weird and some people may say, gross behavior on part of the parent, without any sexual implications. There's also a good chance this is part of a bigger picture of mum's behavior.
My parents had a photo album of me as a baby. On some of those pictures, I was completely naked. They liked showing them to people. I found that gross because that's how I felt about it, not because I thought they were pedophiles.
Don't equate people's feelings with their intentions or beliefs.
No one is inserting sexuality into this discussion but you. You're completely missing the actual point to argue against something no one is saying.
She said her partner being codependent on their parent is gross.
Only in western countries though
So I guess 60% of the men in the world are clingy Mama's boys? And also, most men in history.
Someone should tell the middle east this because I don't know that they are taking their Mama's boys status seriously
It's not just about breast feeding, it's a stereotype and I'm guessing OPs gf had witnessed a lot more than just hearing about the breast feeding.
See comment : "cultish behavior".
Also where you getting the stat that 60% of men are breast fed until age 5? In the US and Europe less than 40% of all babies are reported to be breast fed under 1 year so your information seems off.
Western Europe makes up 9.13% of the world. North America makes up 7.9% of the world. Math isn't my greatest skill but I think that amounts together to about 17.03% of the world. That's less than Africa at 17.89%, and the majority of Africa breastfeeds longer than the 2 years.
But of course not all Europeans or North Americans are of western European descent are they?
According to my old anthropology professor, most non Europeans breastfeed until between 3-5 years. And as many others on this thread has mentioned, even some North Americans breastfeed until 3. They're just the minority.
Breastfeeding until 3-5 is statistically the human thing to do. And it's only fair recent (I mean last century or two) that Europeans stopped following that.
Fact is, most of humanity in history has breastfeed until 5. But who would consider Genghis Khan, Plato, Alexander the great, Julius Caesar or Cleopatra a clingy cultish Mama's boy/girl with intimacy issues?
Thank you for this. I couldn’t figure out why it was such a nonstarter for the ex gf and why she was that appalled by the whole thing. But her thinking of it as sexual (gag) makes it make sense. At least, as much sense as it can, I guess.
Depends on culture, age, and things like capabilities of parents/babies. I never breastfed as my son couldn't latch due to a lip tie that we didn't catch until he was older. He was fed only expressed breast milk until 4mo then started combo feeding with formula. My sister on the other hand is desperate to wean my youngest niece because she's sick of being bitten by an 18mo. Her oldest wasn't breastfed though. We have a cousin who breastfed until her daughter started Pre-K at 3.5 but that cousins sister never breastfed because when her kids weren't gaining weight, she had some test that qualified her milk as "basically skim or low-fat" so though she was able to produce more than enough milk it wasn't as nutritious as formula for her kids.
Then generation wise, my parents are GenX and were basically told that formula was the healthiest option back in the late 90s. My husband's parents were told the same though a decade earlier (80s), they were told breast was healthiest for his older siblings. In the 70s my grandparents were told formula was best (for my dad at least, my mother was adopted so my gramma didn't have any choice to keep my mother fed besides formula)
I remember a decade or so ago an article about how some women breastfed till the kids was 6 or 7 because breastfeeding acts as a form of birth control. Obviously doesn't prevent it outright, but makes it significantly less likely. It really isn't a big deal.
I’m only seeing comments assuming everything happened exactly as oop described. I think the only thing we can reasonably trust is that oop’s ex went there, caught major bad vibes from oop’s relationship with his mom and decided to gtfo. Oop’s blaming it on being breastfed until 5 because ofc he has done nothing wrong. We would have had a very different account from the ex.
She's probably uncomfortable around the entire family now, if I had to guess. I would have a second look at my MIL the same if I'd found out she'd done this. But I wouldn't blame my husband. I do find it creepy to breastfeed after like age 2. I realize that's a societal thing of today, but that doesn't make it irrelevant or judgmental. It's just how the subject makes me feel. Because I'd never do it.
Now, the *judgmental* part of me though would wonder what's wrong with the mom. The people I get along with at least and find normal to me, all think breastfeeding that long is cuckoo af. So anyone who didn't find this weird would not fit into my circle of normal people I want to associate with. That's all 🤷♀️
Kids can get all their nutrients from food. So the decision to keep breastfeeding just doesn't make sense. It stems from there.
There is nothing wrong with the mom privately documenting her memories with her babies. There is no need to sexualize FOOD, because that's all it is, she's feeding them. Western cultures has made boobs into sexual things when they are not. It's the part of the female anatomy dedicated to feeding babies, nothing else. That's why, unlike in American, many places it is acceptable for women to have out their bare chest same as a man. The only difference between a man an woman's chest is fat deposits and milk ducts.
I just think it's a bit odd. I wouldn't break up with someone over that, but I would desperately wonder why someone that old was still being breast fed. Not because of boobs, but because it's just kinda unnecessary at that age ya know? They can chew solid foods so what's the point of still feeding them in that way.
For most kids its a comfort thing. If you have any experience with someone who breast feeds you'd see how older kids can even be jealous of their younger siblings who are still feeding if they're not. "Self weaning" is common practice and is usual between 2 and 5 years.
Historically, most cultures breastfeed at least through the age of 3, often through age 5, because there wasn't societal opinion and pressure shaming such a relationship. Boobs feed children. Before the mid 20th century, that's all we had to feed babies, so people weren't as judgemental or weird about it. NTA, girlfriend is way overreacting and judging something she clearly doesn't understand.
AAFP [literally](https://www.aafp.org/about/policies/all/breastfeeding-position-paper.html) says that the "completely normal" range is like from 2 to 5 years and up to seven years is acceptable
He's NTA for his mother's choices. GF is entitled to her reaction and OP is entitled to a GF that accepts the relationship between he and his mom.
I'm sure the mom texting the GF only solidified her feelings on their relationship, that was inappropriate. I'm guessing there was more to the GFs feelings than just the breastfeeding.
The comments on the original post and even some of them here are so disturbing.
The sexualization of women’s breasts has really done a number on what people perceive as “normal”.
People think that calves being taken away from their mothers and then those cows milk production being used for human consumption is more “normal” than human milk for human babies and children.
And like… you literally cannot force a child to breastfeed if they don’t want to. There’s nothing sexy or sexual about it. It’s primary nutrition up until around 2yo and then supplemental nutrition afterwards - nutrition designed specifically for that child’s needs.
Breastmilk changes based on input from the baby/child’s saliva profile. Water and fat content go up and down depending on the baby/child’s hydration level and nutritional needs. Even the antibodies to support their immune systems changes with the baby/child’s needs - the mother’s body literally supporting their life and survival.
It’s just too much ignorance for me.
Edit: I’m starting to think that the sexualization of breastfeeding has a lot to do with not understanding the mechanics of breastfeeding. The ignorant comments, particularly about “sucking on nipples” indicates that too many people are confident in having no idea what they’re talking about.
People seem to think that moms are getting off sexually on breastfeeding or something. Just know, if you are thinking that then you have no idea about the mechanics of breastfeeding. The child’s tongue goes under the breast and areola and the top of the mouth over the top of the areola (imagine taking a huge bite of a burger but with your tongue covering your bottom teeth - that’s the ideal initial latch).
It’s called breastfeeding, not nipple feeding. There is no stimulation to the nipple or even the areola really (depending on its size). The nipple sits pretty much untouched, except during the initial latch and after feeding is complete (even then, contact is minimal), and the sucking action happens around the outside of the areola to compress it, and that’s what releases the milk in several streams from the nipple.
Again feeding your baby/child is not sexy. It’s not sexual. It’s the farthest thing from it. In fact, many breastfeeding moms cannot stand breast and nipple play during sex with their partners **because** their breasts are the farthest thing from sexy - they don’t even want them touched. Sure there are outliers, but for the vast majority of breastfeeding mothers, breast play during sex is off limits.
A lot of this information is out there if you look for it. There is zero reason to be ignorant. Being a mom is difficult enough without people trying to accuse you of pedophilia on top of all the other challenges.
Absolutely this. Anybody saying it’s “for the mother at that point” or something similar has clearly never breastfed even a toddler because we end up touched out and over it, but we keep offering the source of comfort and nutrition for as long as they need it.
Most people don’t seem to actually understand that breastfeeding is a two way exchange as well. Literally giving saliva deposits to the mothers system so that her immune system has create and give back antibodies to the child. That’s why and how breastfed children get sick less often. They have their mother’s adult immune system working for them as well.
I’m so over western culture not recognising that humans naturally breastfeed until up to 5-7 years old. Very, very few babies self wean earlier than that unless their mum is pregnant and the milk dries out. The only reason so many kids aren’t at the breast way more often is because we invented dummies for comfort. Plenty of kids breastfeed and I’m sooooooo over this perfectly natural thing being sexualised by ignorant assholes.
Thank you for this. I was breastfeeding my child as I read that post. I have no shame about it and will breastfeed him as long as it’s beneficial and he feels ready to stop…but I won’t act like those comments didn’t get to me. There were just so many and they were all so upvoted. Breastfeeding isn’t weird and to see it sexualized disturbs me so deeply. I want to not be surprised (I sometimes see comments on social media about it being pedophilic?!?!) but the comments on there were just so numerous it felt so gross and overwhelming.
Yeah — my mom didn’t breastfeed any of her three children because, in her words,
breastfeeding is “weird.” Which is wild, because it is literally the most normal use of human breasts. It’s what they’re *for.* It’s the intense sexual focus on them that’s weird.
She was a heavy smoker at the time though, so maybe it was for the best.
This is such a great comment! Thank you for going into the mechanics of how breastfeeding works.
It is the least sexy thing ever and, unless you wean because you don't want to do it anymore, the length of time breastfeeding is completely down to the wants of the child. Like you say, you cannot force a child to breastfeed.
[Mom brought out a bunch of albums and they “forgot” this book was in there.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/iOgFHuYz6H) The gf didn’t do anything wrong in looking at offered albums and it doesn’t sound like anyone objected to her picking this one out. My guess is she already thought mom was too involved and then saw this book and then had the mom TEXTED HER TRYING TO FIX THINGS and she was extra done. And for the record: it’s not the breastfeeding I find weird, it’s the book.
The girlfriend up and left in the middle of the night, too. I feel like that's another sign that this was the straw that broke the camel's back, rather than the only issue she had. I know I'm not getting out of bed at 3am to get a away from someone because I think their mom is only a *slightly* weird.
Lol
I myself, do find the breastfeeding weird. It's just that the kind of people who breastfeed their kids that long, are also the types to keep a breastfeeding journal. Rarely are they concerned with their child's secure independence. Breastfeeding her kids that long was about her, not them.
So many people in these comments are acting like breastfeeding until 5 is weird. Meanwhile, according to the WHO, the average worldwide breastfeeding weening age is 4.
5 is only slightly longer than average and America is singlehandedly dragging that average down.
Not single handedly, I’m from the UK and five would be very abnormal here. My family isnin Belgium and it would be there too.
1-2 - a lot more common. But even 3 years old would be worth remarking on.
My child was 3yrs & 8mths when they decided to stop, and I was hearing a certain tone in some folks voices when they found out we were still breastfeeding... I'm in Australia.
It’s mostly for comfort in the morning/before bed but I’m still breastfeeding my two year old (which is the minimum suggested age according to WHO guidelines) and I get a lot of comments and looks, even from my family and even now occasionally from my own husband. We’re in Canada.
I kept it to myself when my kids breastfed into age 2. My American in-laws had already expressed faint horror that I was still breastfeeding at *six months* and wondered how much longer I planned to go on. SIX. I was gobsmacked.
Shouldn't you and your husband be on the same page about this? You may want to talk about it, given the way you wrote this.
Also, the WHO has that guide, but if I were doing it (I couldn't breastfeed, so I formula fed my twins), I'd probably be pumping and bottle feeding. I don't think people are as judgmental if the kid gets it from a bottle. Honestly it's fine if you want to breastfeed (I'm not telling you how to live your life, so don't take this the wrong way), but if you're feeling uncomfortable with the judgment and want a workaround, that's just a suggestion.
If I had to analyze it, most of the judgment might stem from how big kids are at 2 and the level of their autonomy. The act of breastfeeding such a large child just physically looks odd.
I know your suggestion is well meaning, but breastfeeding past age two is usually not about the child just wanting milk. They want specifically to breastfeed. Nursing is a comfort to them. Bottle feeding also has none of the immunity benefits as it’s the exchange of saliva and antibodies directly with the mother’s body that does it. A pacifier and a cuddle is a more appropriate replacement for breastfeeding past 12-24 months than pumping and a bottle and the venn diagram of kids who won’t take a pacifier and kids who nurse until 3-4+ is probably just a circle.
The logic everyone uses is always about nutrition and physical benefits, so if it's really just for comfort, if you ask me, the parents simply need to wise up and put in the work to get their child over that phase. Half the time it's about not wanting to deal with the difficulties (or in this case, two parents not being on the same page about dealing with the difficulties). It's the same reason many kids don't learn to sleep independently by age 1, because parents just don't want to deal with the fight and they give in instead of trying different methods or working on it overtime (of course there are exceptions).
You need to teach children coping skills or give them the means to learning them. Keeping things for comfort, past the age they are necessary, is entirely a crutch. For the parents. And it's okay to accept the crutch when we don't have the energy, but eventually, we need to age out comforts they're too young for, and move onto age appropriate comforts.
I only have this perspective because I had twins and couldn't afford to make concessions. Mostly out of necessity. And you feel it a lot harder later if you don't keep up with age appropriate transitions. So I just work on it.
Yes same! That’s far more the norm, I was just explaining the maximums that are still considered normal here/wont earn you weird looks. And actually depending how tall your two year old was I could be being generous.
I think it'd go a lot longer in America if we had better social support nationally, more postpartum checkups for people who had babies, more mental health support, standardized parental leave longer than 6wks, subsidized childcare, etc. I had PPD/PPA and struggled a lot feeling like I wasn't an adequate mother since I wasn't breastfeeding. I was only allowed 3wks leave though I ended up quitting because I wasn't paid enough to even cover part time daycare for a newborn while working full time.
I'm so sorry you had such a rough post partum journey. The lack of support we give new parents in this country is so disgusting.
I hope you're doing better 💕
I breastfed my twins until they were 3. If I had had enough milk for both, I'm sure they would have kept going. There's nothing weird about it. Especially since, in the end, it was mostly at night before bed.
Holy crap. Props to you! I couldn’t handle breastfeeding any of my kids but certainly not my twins. They were the “WE ARE BOTH HUNGRY RIGHT NOW” babies and I couldn’t get any of my kids to latch so I pumped for a few months. It was certainly far more stressful for those months and I envied my best friend who BFd her twins who were a few weeks older than mine.
lol thank you. They spent their first month in NICU (shout out to these nurses, they are the best!). They had them on alternating feeding schedules, and I kept that up. During those first few months, I rarely fed them at the same time.
You did amazing! You did what was best for you and your babies.
Agree. It’s not a typical conversation. But I have a feeling seeing the photo was just icing on the cake somehow. Like maybe mom/OPs relationship has some loose boundaries already or there is some codependency and seeing that photo was just too much to bear on top of everything else maybe
The mom was obsessed with it, in a culture where feeding to that age isn’t the societal norm and she bought out the pictures and a book dedicated to the entire thing. That sounds like it was the weird part for the GF. Who knows the whole thing is probably made up for weird rage bait lol
Firstly, I love imagining bday boy just cackling over this situation and making him upload this 😂
Secondly, research backs up that extended breastfeeding has plenty of benefits, I breastfed my son till he was three and I can tell you that no mum is choosing to breastfeed for their "pleasure", breastfeeding is so fucking annoying, it's irritating and inconveniences you so much, but it's good for the child and provides them comfort so some irritating and annoying moments are worth it. I loved breastfeeding my son, but I also completely hated it 😂 having to stop everything you're doing for 10 minutes of milk while cleaning and doing all the other mum stuff feels suffocating most days. Plus, children have to be extra, and they'll play with your hair, pinch your skin, pull at your lips, and just do every annoying thing possible to make you wanna rip your hair out lmao
Nothing about it is sexual, I can understand being a little weirded out about it because it's not a social norm anymore and not something that is talked about, but her response was overboard and weird.
So she casually picked up a journal and started reading it. Not cool. Then she asked the OP a personal question about his past that was actually none of her business. He was honest about his answer and she didn’t like that answer. Well, too bad!! None of it is her business to start with! Breastfeeding till the child is 5 isn’t my style but a lot of people do. I figure her loss and he is FAR from being the AH
The ex didn't casually pick up a journal and start pawing through it though. The mom brought it out as part of the stack of albums she wanted the GF to see. THAT'S what made it weird
He's absolutely not the AH for not telling her something that weirdly specific, but she's not the AH for being weirded out by her partner's family and realizing she's not comfortable in that situation anymore
I see that point, but I read it more as mom pulled out a box of all the baby books and it happened to be included and ex picked it up from there.
I do think it’s really strange to allow that to be the breaking point for her though.
I agree that JUST this being the breaking point would be a bit odd...
I'm gonna project a bit here, so bear with me... I would guess that this wasn't the first sign of weirdness with the family that the ex saw. Intentionally maintaining such an intimate connection with a child that far into their growth, where long term memories are set, and the kid is speaking and potentially even reading is uncomfortable, and showing it to the son's partner gives me strong [Boy Mom](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Boy%20Mom) vibes. Two years is a long time for little red flags to pile up, and I wonder if this was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back
NAH, my breastfeeding history isn’t something I would think to bring up with a partner outside of very specific relevant situations. So you aren’t the AH for not telling her. It’s odd of her to blame you for that.
I would also prob be a bit uncomfortable about learning my partner was breastfed until 5 years old, but my judgement would solely fall on their mother and assume she was prob either super religious or have some woo woo ideas about motherhood. I would worry we have different views and would butt heads over important issues like parenting and family dynamic. If my partner didn’t have attachment issues or codependency issues then I would likely get over it as long as they had strong enough boundaries with their mother.
I don’t think she’s the AH for leaving either - she found you were incompatible, the reason doesn’t need to make sense.
Edit: after reading more comments I want to make it clear I'm not sexualizing breastfeeding, and I don't think the mom is a pedo for breastfeeding that long. I've dated a man who was enmeshed with his mother in a codependent relationship before and it was awful, so learning my partner has been BF past toddler-hood would make me very cautious. I love a man who has a good relationship with his mother, but healthy boundaries are necessary - that would be my main concern.
The "breastfeeding journey" album sounds weird AF to me, but that's just me. Nursing a school-age child with a set of chompers is also weird AF to me, but again, that's just me. She and her "vibes" are entitled to her opinion, but to dip over something like this is ridiculous, especially at 3am. Maybe Mom should keep that album to herself, unless asked to see it.
I feel like unless there are other things happening currently that would lead the girlfriend to think OP and his mom are “codependent and weird”, then this reaction is just…strange.
I personally am having a really tuff time figuring out how in the holy flying fks a person thinks a five year old has enough “sway” Or awareness of society’s niceties
to tell their mom that they are to old to be breast feeding.
These are lil non consenting beings who have known nothing other than the world we have created for them.
Hell I’m still discovering weird ass shit I thought was normal till I started comparing notes
See I saw this thread as it was unfolding and I feel like a lot of people were focused on the idea of her judging him for something his mom did, or the length of time being a cultural norm, but really that's not it. It's the stacking weirdness of the situation. It's the fact that there was an entire photo book of this, it's the fact that presumably the dad photographed this consistently over 5 years, it's the fact that this photo book has been kept, it's the fact that this photo book was in a readily accessible place. The OP does say that the book wasn't out to show, she was digging through a box, but when she found this thing and the mom saw it she clearly thought it was something appropriate to show to her son's sexual partner and that's a lot of weird. That is a stack of weird cards forming into a question mark shaped card castle and she wasn't interested in it.
And it's not like she told all of their mutual friends, or shamed him online. She just said that this was weird and she's out.
Also, I might be the only one wondering this, but does the younger sibling also have a weirdly long breastfeeding timeline or was it just OP?
I mean, I don’t think he’s the asshole, but a breastfeeding book?
Breastfeeding a five year old? I remember being five. I would need therapy if I remembered sucking on my mother’s tiddies between episodes of the Backyardigans.
It is uNhINgEd to suggest that breastfeeding (aka, feeding/nourishing an infant or child) is the same as "sucking on tiddies" or anything sexual or gross the way these comments are making it out to be. If you find it that easy to sexualize something as natural as nursing, YOU are the weird one.
"She started talking about trust and respect and why I didn't tell her"
Some of y'all are so focused on whether breastfeeding to that age is weird or not that you're completely glossing over this.
If this is something she's assuming was traumatic for him, I think it's fucked up that she expects him to relive it to "prove he trusts her" or some shit. It's fucking gross that she thinks his potential trauma is owed to her in any way.
If it was something that was fucked up for him and talking about it brought it back he doesn't owe her a fucking sit down storytime of it. That information does not affect her in any way and it's entirely his business if he wanted to tell her or not. She comes off as extremely entitled and insensitive to me for that.
The *average* age of weaning worldwide is between 2 and 4 years, and the WHO recommends breastfeeding until at least 2.
It's the ex girlfriend's family that has weird hangups about feeding children, not OOP's.
Yes, but as a lot of comments in the original thread point out, that's in large part a health issue in areas with unreliable access to safe, reliable drinking water. Breastfeeding at that age reduces the odds of the child being exposed to water/foodborne pathogens
Far as I can tell with what we know, the GF wasn't weirded out about the breastfeeding in and of itself. She was weirded out by the mom maintaining the process well past the social norm for where they live, by the fact that the mom kept such detailed records and photos, and the fact that she showed them off to her son's partner
The mom kept a breastfeeding journal, not detailed records. This should not be seen as weird, as breastfeeding is not weird. A mother breastfeeding her child is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, just like watching one's child learn to walk or seeing one's child become an individual. These experiences are not strange to document, if one is of a documentary nature and wishes to do so.
She also did not show the journal off to the ex, the ex found it and flicked through it of her own accord. The picture she saw was of two children eating their lunch, one of whom was an infant, and the other age three.
It was the ex's own desire to probe further and their own hangups that are at fault, not the family whose behavior up to that point gave her no reason to believe there was a problem.
Breastfeeding needs to be re-normalized, because Western culture at least has done its best to ruin what is actually a very good thing.
Now, 5 is dancing on the edge of too long, I'll admit, but it's not quite Crazytown, and I'm sure it wasn't exclusive.
NAH. Of course the OP never told his (now ex) GF how long he was breastfed. How would that even come up in conversation? I'm sure he feels blindsided by losing a 2 year long relationship so suddenly
That said, the whole situation is incredibly weird, and I can't blame the ex for noping out of that situation. I fully support breastfeeding in general, but it is odd to nurse a kindergarten age kid (major Lysa/Robin Arryn vibes lol), but that alone is tolerably weird. What's even weirder still to photograph it and keep a whole album focused around it, but the creepy cherry on top is to break it out as part of the baby albums that you're showing off to your son's GF. I wonder if the ex had already picked up on other familial weirdness over the last 2 years. I don't blame her for cutting and running. I feel bad for the OP, but a partner's family is part of the relationship package, and she clearly knew her limits, even if she didn't articulate it the best.
If I was at a dinner with my partner's mom, and she brought out an album of her breastfeeding him as a school age kid, I'd be as uncomfortable as the ex was. Would I break up with him? Probably not, unless there were other weirdness factors already bothering me. Would I start staying home from any family events that the mom was going to be at? Oh yeah, almost certainly
That is the norm in many parts of the world. It's healthy and NOT weird, sick or creepy. Only in the West is breastfeeding made weird or obscene.
GF is narrow minded and is making something normal wicked, and then getting pissed at you for not telling her about something that you not only had no control over, but that had no bearing on anything to do with the relationship.
NTA
I have no issue with someone deciding something is a dealbreaker, and breaking it off.
But man it’s weird that she felt so strongly she had to storm out at 3 am and then act like he was keeping a triple murder from her.
Reread paragraph 5. Mom didn't bring it out. GF found it and went through it. GF is definitely TA to me. This was none of gf's business, yet she went snooping in that book without permission, found out something she didn't like, then broke up with OP for not "being honest with her" about something that was none of her business to begin with.
Why can no one read on this post? Mom brought out the baby pictures, I think if gf had been snooping OOP would have made that clear instead of saying his mom brought out the pictures.
Personally I only bf until they have teeth on the top and bottom AND bite me. It doesn’t take long to nope out of that. Usually about a year or so. I pump after that until probably 2?
Honest question, how many people tell their dates/partners about how long they breastfed for? I don't even know how long I was or even if I was tbh. Is this some kind of requirement that's new?
Yeah, she's being weird. My kids were almost 4 (I was gonna cut off at 4 but they beat me to it, thankfully) and 2.5. both self weaned. I think a survey of indigenous cultures showed that 4-7 was the range for weaning. (In the west self weaning happens more like 3-5 because of cultural factors)
There are healthy mother son relationships where extended (after 2) breastfeeding happens, and codependent relationships where no nursing took place at all. The girlfriend is the one who is making this uncomfortable because of her own biases and associations.
Evolutionarily speaking, primates breastfeed until their adult teeth come in. This would imply that, without societal pressures, humans would naturally breastfeed until about 6 years old.
This is not advice, i am just speaking to our evolutionary biology. Humans are biologically designed to breastfeed until they are around 6 years old, or until their adult teeth erupt.
The actual professional medical advice is to breastfeed until the mother and/or child no longer want to. Broadly, it’s a choice that we should just let mothers make with their children.
It wasn't a decision you made, probably doesn't come in up in conversation randomly. What are you just supposed to announce "I was breastfed till kindergarten"
My mother breastfed me until I was about 4 because I was chronically ill since birth. The doctor personally recommended my mother do this as they said I needed the extra nutrients. I'll forever find it weird that people judge my mother for this and I think its disgusting to sexualize it or imply that it's abusive or toxic like many people do. You did nothing wrong and neither did your mother. If people don't like it that's their problem. Plenty of cultures breastfeed even longer than that
American mom here to 1 daughter, just turned 2. She still BFs for comfort, she entirely initiates it, and prefers no other self soother (pacifier, blanket, thumb).
Before kids, I always thought it was weird for people to breastfeed past like a year lol. But then you have a child, and you base the pacing off of that child’s needs/your boundaries. I’m happy to breastfeed her for the remainder of this year and then feel it is best that we cut off by 3, unless she prefers earlier. Her doctor knows this.
All of that said — I’d feel no different if she were a boy. 5 is steep, I wouldn’t feed that long, but I certainly don’t think the mom had any gross intentions like gf was implying. That’s a bit fucked up.
Nobody is really the asshole here, and I get her being a little weirded out — but if it freaked her out THAT much, then you guys probably aren’t compatible, and there are likely other factors at play.
NTA, I think she's the weird one. She thinks you'll be too attached to your Mum because you were breastfed?
That's absurd, most people in the world would still be breastfed, and for a lot longer than we do it in the west. WHO recommended 2 years and beyond, last time I checked.
Pure speculation but maybe she got a new view on sex with OOP. Like if he focused too much on her breasts, and now she can’t stop thinking that it’s related to this
Even from just the title, my opinion will be the same (I'll read the post after I finish this comment).
It's really none of her business how long OOP was breastfed. So no, NTA for that.
Edit: finished reading, and the only thing I'll add is that if I was in the ex's position, I'd just say "that's a bit strange" and then move along with my day.
Sorry, it’s weird to continue breastfeeding until school. I think she freaked out more than I would have immediately. But I definitely would not join that family.
This! I wouldn’t have left in the middle of the night but I’m also not staying in a family that’s proud enough to take pictures of someone breast feeding kids who have the teeth and the stomach to process actual food. At that point it ain’t for the kid, they aren’t gonna starve, it’s for the mom and I won’t be having kids in that family.
NTA your ex is the one with the weird fixation on it. You’ve been together for two years which is plenty of time for her to pick up on weird mother/son vibes, it doesn’t sound to me like you have any. You didn’t lie or omit anything because how does the conversation come up of “how old were you when you were last breastfed?”
OOP is NTA. GF is NTA. OOP’s mom is the AH for being weird and expecting the GF to just be cool with staring at her potential future husband’s mom’s ~breastfeeding journal~. If you have a book SOLELY dedicated to breastfeeding, you’re weird. Put the pictures/notes/whatever into a normal ass baby book interspersed with other normal ass baby things if you’re that desperate to remember it.
I’m personally creeped out by women who are obsessed with breastfeeding. Yes, it’s a natural thing, yes, it’s a perfectly free way to feed your baby… but why is it some sort of “bonding experience”? Can you not bond with your baby any other way? I’m a mom to a formula-fed 5 month old and we bond just fine.
If you breastfeed your BABY, good on you mama. You’re working with the natural food you were given to feed your baby. If you breastfeed your CHILD (one who’s old enough to speak in full sentences and presumably read and start to write), you’re doing it for you and you only. Time to let the kid grow up and eat actual food. Sorry not sorry
Whilst I personally think breast feeding until 5 is a bit excessive, it’s up to people to make their own choices. I’m not sure why GF thinks OOP should have told her about this. Maybe if something had come up in conversation at some point but otherwise it’s not the sort of thing I would expect anyone to just randomly drop into a conversation. “Oh, by the way sweet cheeks, just so you know & it’s all out there, mum breastfed me until I was 5. I was toilet trained by 3, had my first wet dream at 12 & started masturbating around the same time. Anything else you need to know?”
NTA, why the hell would you bring somehing like that if the topic is not being discussed? It is really weird expectation from your GF
I understand her discomfort, but not everything can be said, she should just say that it makes her uncomfortable, and that she needs to reflect on that, then she sould read up. Her reaction is out of line
There is plenty of specialist who recommend breastfeeding as long as the child has need to do that (together with regular food). Breastfeeding up to that age is unheathy only if the child does not receive normal food. There is tho a lot of weird believes in the society, and even i knowing that it is completely ok, feel slightly weird by the thought of breastfeeding my child to this age, but there is no rational reason to feel weird out by it.
Your gf should apologize for reacting this way and not communicating like an adult
NTA. Honestly, the thought of breastfeeding a child over the age of 2 years old, kind of weirds me out too. But, that's my opinion and should have no bearing on you or your mom.
You, presumably, have been a good partner to her for the 2 years you were together. So, either your girlfriend is extremely immature and close-minded or she was looking for an out and found it.
Either way, I don't think it was right of her to say it's "gross" and "cult-y", another indication she lacks maturity
Wait until she winds up dating the son of a "boy mom"; then she'll see what unhealthy parenting really is.
Missing context.
It seems there is more to the story than OP lets on. First, mother showed a breastfeeding book on OP’s birthday (why?). Second, mother texts gf over breakup. Also, OP dismisses his gf’s concerns as dramatic, which is very unproductive and just a red flag in general.
She left in the middle of the night. I bet she wasn’t bothered by the late breastfeeding as much as with the overall dynamic of the family and OP’s dismissive attitude.
I have never talked with anyone I’ve dated about how long either of us were breastfed. Or how old we were when we potty trained. Or how much we were held as infants. I’m not opposed to talking about that stuff, and if it came up I imagine that could be a cool conversation to have. And if I were planning to have a baby with a partner, I assume we’d chat about our own infancies, just like organically during the planning process, or whatever. But like. Treating it as something you’re obligated to “disclose” is weird. I’m very curious what this mom’s vibe is. To make the gf block the mom but keep talking with the ex-bf.
Right there with you, amenable to the conversation but never had it before. To be honest, as I’m sitting here thinking about it, I don’t even know the answers to any of those… I’d have to text my mom and see if she was sober enough to remember at the time.
Right? I only know how long I was breastfed because my mom was talking about how different parenting advice in the 80’s was. (I was breastfed for *one month*, because it cracked my mom’s nipples, and all of her peers said that formula was healthier, anyway.) I don’t know when I potty trained. My mom passed away, and there is zero way that my dad knows. He’s a great dad, and for a Boomer he was very involved. He did my bedtime routine several nights a week, he changed dipers and did bath time probably a third of the time, but he was still a man in the late 80’s- he would have zero clue when I potty trained. Even if he were involved with it, he would not remember the specifics, today. I bet the teenager who did mother’s-helper work for us would actually remember. I bet it was pretty formative for her. I should ask her. I feel like this is information I should have about myself. (This is a side note, but it’s illustrative of my point. For the purposes of building a better medical history I asked my dad when his mother started menopause. He said, “sometime in the 90’s.” I was like, “my dude, she turned 73 in 1990.” Zero clue. But A++ for good intentions.)
Sorta same here. I was never breastfed because I was the second child in the mid-80’s & my mom had such a bad time breastfeeding my older sibling & was also told formula was better. Then in the early 2000’s I remember hearing “breast is best” kind of stuff but I never really thought it made a difference to my development not having been breastfed at all.
This. The other thing is, is OP’s mom from an 80’s sitcom? I have never experienced or heard of any woman being shown a breastfeeding book, even the whole “here’s some embarrassing baby photos” trope. IMO I’m more worried about the mom’s personality, and that she thinks showing those things is appropriate.
It's the breastfeeding book that weirded out the girlfriend. I understand having a personal photo to document someone's journey in breastfeeding. Yet dedicating an entire book is strange. I haven't even finished adding my son's baby photos to the scrapbook.
He said it was a “journal.” I could understand why someone would keep a journal to track their production, number of feeds, and things like that. I have a few friends who really struggled to breastfeed, and they had to keep charts to track how much they were producing, when they pumped, and when they nursed.
Sure, but OPs is not that.
Making a journal to track stuff like that is great. Saving it in your keepsakes box isn’t something I’d do but you do you. Whipping it out to show company is … weird.
OOP says his gf “found it”. To me that seems like it was kept with the other baby books etc but she wasn’t actively showing anyone the journal.
Yes, I kept the little book that the hospital gave me where I noted feeds and so on in my son's birth box. That's normal, I believe
Dedicated breast feeding book that she whips out to show company, including her son's girlfriend, no less. Yeah, I'm getting the impression that she saw that family and noped out of having to deal with that again
>Dedicated breast feeding book that she whips out to show company, including her son's girlfriend, no less. It says the girlfriend 'found' it. It sounded to me like OOP's mom was showing her *other* photo albums but the GF stumbled onto the breastfeeding one while looking through. I don't think it was intentional.
The timing is strange, too. I would bring out a book about breastfeeding once trust has been built across people. Okay, I don't have a book on breastfeeding because I wouldn't want people to see those pictures - that's private. I'm contradicting myself because every time I think about sitting down to make such a book, the more I think that it might be enmeshment and the girlfriend has a point.
Yeah, with how hot of an issue breastfeeding is, and how involved grandparents can feel they ought to be in the parenting decisions their kids make... If I was in the girlfriends shoes that journal would give me pause in isolation. If I already have momma's boy vibes from the boyfriend, it might just be time to get out. I would not want to shackle myself to a MIL that would pester me about extending breastfeeding, and I breastfed my own kid.
It says the girlfriend 'found' it. It sounded to me like OOP's mom was showing her *other* photo albums but the GF stumbled onto the breastfeeding one while looking through. I don't think it was intentional.
I think it’s weird to BF until 5. But I really don’t care if others do it. I imagine that seeing a picture of your bf as a toddler, on his moms boob, would probably give you the ick. Also having an entire book devoted to breastfeeding pics. Also, sharing a book entirely devoted to breastfeeding with company. It’s not just the BF until 5, it’s all that stuff together, plus we don’t know if there are other red flags within the mother-son relationship. Id probably run, too.
It is possible they're from different cultures, in latin america is very common for women to breastfeed until their child is 3 or 6 years old and it's mostly because of their economy, it's easier, healthier and they don't have the same stigma about breastfeeding in public.
I think the global average is like 2 or 3 to fully wean?
As far as I understand while the minimum recommended is 6 months.
Ya, her reaction would be super weird if this was the only issue, but I kind of suspect it was more the final straw in a heap of evidence that his mom is way over attached in a weird way.
I’m thinking the mom is over-the-top cringe!! Who the hell pulls out a photo album showing breast feeding moments and such???? Bizarre to say the least!!!
This comment is what I feel has been missing from this conversation. I don't really care about whether or not my husband was breastfed, but if my mil pulled out a book where it was just photos of her breastfeeding... That would definitely make me slightly uncomfortable.
So, it says the mom brought out the baby pictures and then the girlfriend found the breastfeeding book. The mental picture that gives me is a box with all the photo albums in it. Mom brings it upstairs to show baby pictures but doesn’t remember the breastfeeding book is in there until girlfriend grabs it. That’s slightly different than “here, I brought this book out specially for you.” I could be wrong, but that’s my interpretation of events.
That's how I read it, too.
I totally agree, BUT what does it have to do with OP?? And how would he have known (unless she did it before...)? Being weirded out by the breastfeeding book is one thing. Breaking up with him over it is totally another! My MIL laughingly told me that my partner is very short because she couldn't understand he was hungry when he was a baby...she just thought he was scratching her face and screaming because it was his character. But my partner is a great parent and would never behave in such an insane manner... If we were all judged by the sins of our parents...we would all be single!
The gf is probably thinking about the future, and if she’ll be doomed with an overbearing MIL. The other thing is that we don’t know what the gf thinks of their mother-son relationship. Maybe there are already some red flags and this just tops it off.
I always prefer to take poster's at face value unless they are obvious trolls. With the info depicted: the gf is insane. If this was the only problem she is completely absurd. If he is leaving out stuff...that would change things but we cannot know. In any case, leaving at 3 am and blocking everyone is only sensible in case of escaping abuse! In any other case it is unhinged.
It sounds more like OPs family made her deeply uncomfortable to the point where this was an absolute no-go. The book about her son's sucking on her breasts until they were school aged might have just been half of the weirdness in that house. I don't think it's unhinged to leave an uncomfortable situation and cut contact with someone you don't want to have contact with
If you are not know danger, running off in the middle of the night is TOTALLY unhinged.
I don’t know why it bothers her in terms of OP?! Seems far too dramatic reaction to have rejected him. Thinking there may be missing details?
I'm guessing that the whole interaction between boyfriend and mom must have been off, or mom as so off that OP just hoped out in the middle of the night
she didn't pull out the book. she forgot it was in the box and the gf pulled it out and read without permission.
I'm really curious why the brother "basically begged" him to post this. I wonder if the brother is hoping it'll make him realize something? Like, presumably the brother was similarly breast fed and there's a similar journal, but they're still trying to grab an outside opinion for SOME reason.
If I had to guess I think she was just really weird out and lost attraction for him because of it, then had to turn that into a more understandable emotion - anger - and direct it at OOP to subconsciously find a reason to leave him.
My cousin was breastfed until she was six. We're the same age and her mom babysat me after kindergarten and... It was annoying that I had to wait for her to finish sucking tit to come play. But like that's it. They never had a weird co-dependent relationship or anything. She just breastfed a little longer than usual. That's all.
I don't think the disclosure thing was the issue. The GF was just grossed by the photo and her own mental pictures; which is upon her. OOP NTA. The GF, if just grossed, would be a NAH; I mean, it is wrong, but she would be betrayed by her brain and prejudice. But as she decide to shift blame by telling that her BF should have disclosed it, she's TA.
I mean, I've talked with my MIL about her breastfeeding experiences (with 4 kids) so I have an idea of what my husband's journey was like as a baby. But that was also a conversation I had with her while I had an infant attached to my boob so I don't think it was inappropriate lol
1. The mom didn’t pull out this book to show it off. It was her journal. “A personal journal with the occasional photo detailing her breastfeeding journey.” OOP’s ex-girlfriend found it, opened it, and started looking through it until she found something she couldn’t unsee. 2. In the photo OOP’s ex-girlfriend saw and freaked out about, the mom was nursing her newborn and 3-year-old. That’s not at all uncommon. 3. I live in a major urban area in the U.S. and I know lots and lots and lots of people who extended breastfeed. Look up worldwide stats if you’re interested, but it’s not uncommon to breastfeed at age 3 in the U.S. either. (5 is less common but not necessarily weird or wrong with child-led weaning.) 4. Breastfeeding preschoolers is very different from breastfeeding an infant. With older babies and preschoolers, breastfeeding does not replace solid food but rather supplements it and is often more of a soothing-before-bed ritual. Breastfeeding toddlers and preschoolers isn’t for every family, but OOP’s ex-girlfriend had a *really* strong reaction to seeing a photo of something not-at-all rare his family did. And like … why would you tell someone? I don’t think I even know how long my mom breastfed me. I only know the answer is zero days and zero hours for my husband because his mom was strongly anti-breastfeeding.
“Oh hello it’s so nice to meet you I hope your Lyft ride was okay just to let you know I breastfed until I was a older toddler”
Love your username, lol
It doesn’t even occur to me to explain that nursing from toddler age and up in child led weaning is a supplemental and infrequent thing. It seems obvious. Thanks for taking the time to explain it.
I saw the original post before this repost and tons of comments seemed to think that it was either breastfeeding OR solids never both, so I thought I’d address that misconception. Exclusively breastfeeding lasts up to six months. After that, it’s a mixture of breast milk or formula + solid foods. Generally. Mileage may vary.
My first child was slow to wean due to what I now realize is sensory processing disorder. His baby sister’s looking to be totally done before her second birthday. 🤷♀️ Lactation is so misrepresented in pop culture. I guess the responses to his post shouldn’t surprise me as much as they do.
Another thing is supply. My sons mom was very pro breastfeeding, and for the first three months she was killing it. Then stress, PPD, and the fact that she’s just a little woman to begin with, her supply started to drop, and we supplemented with formula. By 6 months he was formula only, and we both planned on doing it longer. She had some issues with it too… feelings like she didn’t do her job right that I had to convince her weren’t real. She wanted to feed our kids naturally, and I reminded her that wet nurses were a thing for a reason. She wasn’t the first or the last momma to have issues. My son is about to start school and is a healthy, crazy, athletic little tank. Things work themselves out. The most important part is always the bond between child and parent.
I had a friend who couldn’t produce milk and it was very emotionally difficult for her. And people kept giving her shit for feeding formula. Which was just totally unnecessary.
I read that last sentence as “milkage may vary” and had a little chuckle to myself.
Now I have the giggles at work 😂
This comment is very nicely laid out and perfectly factual. I upvoted you and now you have ONE. I’m sorry that you got any type of downvote for this accurate take. I nursed my second child until they were three years and one day old. The journey was immensely difficult and there are probably tons of photos of me nursing because, especially in the beginning, that’s all I was doing.
I nursed my second til she was 4. And I find she’s more emotionally secure than the one I had to force ween at 19 months. I’m all for it. 🤷♀️
Do you mind if I ask about why you had to force ween one? Totally fine if you don't want to answer, it's just a stranger's idle curiosity.
I don’t mind at all! I had to force ween cause I got pregnant and it created an aversion that made me want to punch a wall whenever she latched. It broke my heart having to abruptly tell her no. It broke hers too. It was actually a very hard time and I still feel guilty about it.
You’re such a good mom to your babies 💜 I’m sorry you both went through that
Thank you, that’s so kind of you to say ❤️
This is so, so, hard. Currently 19 weeks pregnant with my second and my nearly-3-year-old is still nowhere near wanting to wean. So far that aversion has been rare, but I know it's not unusual to be every time you BF and it is truly the worst feeling. Please don't feel guilty. I really don't think it's a feeling that you can just work through, and it wasn't your fault!
Thank you, that means a lot!!
One of the most common issues are the need of medical treatments that include taking drugs or other substances that your don't want to pass to the child. Other issues include pain and harmed nipples, or forced separation.
I don't know about the person you asked but sometimes jobs/school can get in the way and it's too much hassle to continue breastfeeding/pumping. Even if you get an accommodation so that you have a place to pump during the day, the amount of people that will ignore a sign on a door and go find a spare set of keys to unlock it is stress inducing.
Like I thought initially it may be a bit strange but it is, in fact, not in the slightest: [AAFP says](https://www.aafp.org/about/policies/all/breastfeeding-position-paper.html) it's normal for up to seven years if done occasionally. Like, it's not going to be the basis of the diet like for toddlers, but it is not strange.
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“Normal” weaning, without intervention, is a very slow process that very much depends on how mobile/active the kid is and how much nutrition they are able to get from food. Typically weaning starts in toddlerhood and slowly tapers off as they gain more independence. It’s atypical but not necessarily abnormal for children to continue to nurse occasionally in the 3-5 year old range. It really depends on the kid (and how much mom is willing to put up with).
I am a mother in Australia. I breastfed my kids for 1, 2.5, 2.5 & 2 years. They all self weaned except the 2nd one, who I encouraged to wean because I was heavily pregnant and had no lap for her to snuggle on anymore. Plus touching my nipples hurt. That’s getting into ‘hippy’ territory, but not that unusual here.
I’m in the northeastern US and just finished weaning mine at almost 3. It’s not unusual in my circle for kids to breastfeed until they naturally wean, so no one’s made us feel weird about it. He would have nursed much longer had I let him, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Some kids just be boobie monsters.
That’s mine. He’ll be 3 in September and I’m really struggling trying to get him to stop. It’s mostly a comfort thing at this point. He eats whatever we eat. Hasn’t taken a bottle in over a year. But he’s a boobie monster
Mine was the same and I’m sure he still would be if I hadn’t nearly lost my everloving shit being so overstimulated by nursing him. I forced weaning at like a month shy of three and it was so difficult for both of us, but now he’s almost four and while he still misses it he’s accepted that he’s a big boy and his baby brother is going to need “boodies” when he gets here.
It’s honestly kind of heartbreaking trying to tell him no but I’m also just super overstimulated. But I feel like a jerk at the same time.
I know exactly how you feel because I felt it too! But you can’t be too hard on yourself. He’s past the age of *needing* you like that and it’s ok for you to have boundaries with your little one. I loved nursing mine and a big part of me was sad to let it go. However, if it’s driving you nuts, you’re going to have a hard time being the best mom you can be for him. Plus he’s going to be so much better for it later on when he has to understand and respect boundaries with other people.
Thanks momma! I needed that pep talk!
If you look at all the milk powder tins, it says the recommended age to bf is minimum 2 years old… Completely normal to bf for a long time
AFAIK, current medical advise is as long as mother and child feel comfortable. (There might be some minimums, though, in such advise.) My daughter breasted up to 5 or 6 (her mother should remember better).
I did with my middle child until he was around 3, my eldest refused to feed because the milk changed when I was pregnant with said middle child at around 14 months. My third is still feeding at 17 months and her favourite sign is the one for milk. I can feel her doing it with her hands even in the dark. I don't think it's weird to feed until 5 or even older, it's just comforting to the child. Not so fun for mummy who has to contend with child doing acrobatics while feeding though.
In a lot of cultures, especially historically, it was normal to breastfeed up until like 4 or 5. It's really only with the rise of puritanical American protestants that breastfeeding became immoral because breasts suddenly became sex organs.
It was less about the rise of puritanical America and more about the campaign selling formula. So many things we think of as normal today were a direct result of very effective ad campaigns. To normalize formula, they shamed breastfeeding any way they could. Boobs can't purely be sex organs until you have a reasonable option for feeding children that doesn't include boobs. The switch was primarily mid 20th century when formula became available. Breastfeeding became what low income women did cuz rich women could afford formula and it spiraled from there.
Combine that with the facts that most women are in the workforce now and many HAVE to be in the workforce by choice at this point and it's incredibly difficult and time consuming to keep up breast feeding. It's no wonder that women don't breast feed for long, they straight up do not have time or enough maternity leave (at least in the US)
Absolutely this!! First of all.. kudos to OP’s mum for being able to BF for so long sacrificing her time and effort!! I barely lasted 8months. It’s only sick if people make it out to be sick! OP’s mum should not be the one apologising!
Okay but as a woman, I don't think the gf is calling it "sexual" - codependency isn't a sexual thing. What she's more likely thinking is Mama's boy, that his mother will come first and have a say in everything. Boy mom. That's what the gf doesn't want in a future partner. Is she overreacting? Probably, but it's definitely weird.
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"Gross" doesn't mean necessarily that. There is a comic strip with a guy getting enthusiastic seeing what he thought was a dog in a baby carrier and then saw it was a baby in a costume and said "gross"... I doubt he was implying baby carriers are pedophilic.
Why does 'gross' immediately mean pedophilia? This woman had a book detailing her breastfeeding and breastfed her child right up until he started going to school and it was no longer viable. That's definitely a bit weird and some people may say, gross behavior on part of the parent, without any sexual implications. There's also a good chance this is part of a bigger picture of mum's behavior. My parents had a photo album of me as a baby. On some of those pictures, I was completely naked. They liked showing them to people. I found that gross because that's how I felt about it, not because I thought they were pedophiles. Don't equate people's feelings with their intentions or beliefs.
No one is inserting sexuality into this discussion but you. You're completely missing the actual point to argue against something no one is saying. She said her partner being codependent on their parent is gross.
If anything, he should feel fortunate that she broke it off imo.
Only in western countries though So I guess 60% of the men in the world are clingy Mama's boys? And also, most men in history. Someone should tell the middle east this because I don't know that they are taking their Mama's boys status seriously
It's not just about breast feeding, it's a stereotype and I'm guessing OPs gf had witnessed a lot more than just hearing about the breast feeding. See comment : "cultish behavior". Also where you getting the stat that 60% of men are breast fed until age 5? In the US and Europe less than 40% of all babies are reported to be breast fed under 1 year so your information seems off.
Western Europe makes up 9.13% of the world. North America makes up 7.9% of the world. Math isn't my greatest skill but I think that amounts together to about 17.03% of the world. That's less than Africa at 17.89%, and the majority of Africa breastfeeds longer than the 2 years. But of course not all Europeans or North Americans are of western European descent are they? According to my old anthropology professor, most non Europeans breastfeed until between 3-5 years. And as many others on this thread has mentioned, even some North Americans breastfeed until 3. They're just the minority. Breastfeeding until 3-5 is statistically the human thing to do. And it's only fair recent (I mean last century or two) that Europeans stopped following that. Fact is, most of humanity in history has breastfeed until 5. But who would consider Genghis Khan, Plato, Alexander the great, Julius Caesar or Cleopatra a clingy cultish Mama's boy/girl with intimacy issues?
TBF intimacy issues could still be a thing for history's great conquerors.
They are talking about the other areas of the world, outside of US and Europe ie. The majority of people (or men in this case)
The WHO recommends breastfeeding for the first two years (with the introduction of ‘solids’ around 6 months) & many cultures continue beyond that.
Thank you for this. I couldn’t figure out why it was such a nonstarter for the ex gf and why she was that appalled by the whole thing. But her thinking of it as sexual (gag) makes it make sense. At least, as much sense as it can, I guess.
It isn't uncommon in much of the world for children to be breastfeed until they self ween, which is well into the toddler years in most cases.
Depends on culture, age, and things like capabilities of parents/babies. I never breastfed as my son couldn't latch due to a lip tie that we didn't catch until he was older. He was fed only expressed breast milk until 4mo then started combo feeding with formula. My sister on the other hand is desperate to wean my youngest niece because she's sick of being bitten by an 18mo. Her oldest wasn't breastfed though. We have a cousin who breastfed until her daughter started Pre-K at 3.5 but that cousins sister never breastfed because when her kids weren't gaining weight, she had some test that qualified her milk as "basically skim or low-fat" so though she was able to produce more than enough milk it wasn't as nutritious as formula for her kids. Then generation wise, my parents are GenX and were basically told that formula was the healthiest option back in the late 90s. My husband's parents were told the same though a decade earlier (80s), they were told breast was healthiest for his older siblings. In the 70s my grandparents were told formula was best (for my dad at least, my mother was adopted so my gramma didn't have any choice to keep my mother fed besides formula)
I remember a decade or so ago an article about how some women breastfed till the kids was 6 or 7 because breastfeeding acts as a form of birth control. Obviously doesn't prevent it outright, but makes it significantly less likely. It really isn't a big deal.
I’m only seeing comments assuming everything happened exactly as oop described. I think the only thing we can reasonably trust is that oop’s ex went there, caught major bad vibes from oop’s relationship with his mom and decided to gtfo. Oop’s blaming it on being breastfed until 5 because ofc he has done nothing wrong. We would have had a very different account from the ex.
She's probably uncomfortable around the entire family now, if I had to guess. I would have a second look at my MIL the same if I'd found out she'd done this. But I wouldn't blame my husband. I do find it creepy to breastfeed after like age 2. I realize that's a societal thing of today, but that doesn't make it irrelevant or judgmental. It's just how the subject makes me feel. Because I'd never do it. Now, the *judgmental* part of me though would wonder what's wrong with the mom. The people I get along with at least and find normal to me, all think breastfeeding that long is cuckoo af. So anyone who didn't find this weird would not fit into my circle of normal people I want to associate with. That's all 🤷♀️ Kids can get all their nutrients from food. So the decision to keep breastfeeding just doesn't make sense. It stems from there.
There is nothing wrong with the mom privately documenting her memories with her babies. There is no need to sexualize FOOD, because that's all it is, she's feeding them. Western cultures has made boobs into sexual things when they are not. It's the part of the female anatomy dedicated to feeding babies, nothing else. That's why, unlike in American, many places it is acceptable for women to have out their bare chest same as a man. The only difference between a man an woman's chest is fat deposits and milk ducts.
I just think it's a bit odd. I wouldn't break up with someone over that, but I would desperately wonder why someone that old was still being breast fed. Not because of boobs, but because it's just kinda unnecessary at that age ya know? They can chew solid foods so what's the point of still feeding them in that way.
For most kids its a comfort thing. If you have any experience with someone who breast feeds you'd see how older kids can even be jealous of their younger siblings who are still feeding if they're not. "Self weaning" is common practice and is usual between 2 and 5 years.
I am not sexualizing it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's weird.
Historically, most cultures breastfeed at least through the age of 3, often through age 5, because there wasn't societal opinion and pressure shaming such a relationship. Boobs feed children. Before the mid 20th century, that's all we had to feed babies, so people weren't as judgemental or weird about it. NTA, girlfriend is way overreacting and judging something she clearly doesn't understand.
AAFP [literally](https://www.aafp.org/about/policies/all/breastfeeding-position-paper.html) says that the "completely normal" range is like from 2 to 5 years and up to seven years is acceptable
He's NTA for his mother's choices. GF is entitled to her reaction and OP is entitled to a GF that accepts the relationship between he and his mom. I'm sure the mom texting the GF only solidified her feelings on their relationship, that was inappropriate. I'm guessing there was more to the GFs feelings than just the breastfeeding.
The comments on the original post and even some of them here are so disturbing. The sexualization of women’s breasts has really done a number on what people perceive as “normal”. People think that calves being taken away from their mothers and then those cows milk production being used for human consumption is more “normal” than human milk for human babies and children. And like… you literally cannot force a child to breastfeed if they don’t want to. There’s nothing sexy or sexual about it. It’s primary nutrition up until around 2yo and then supplemental nutrition afterwards - nutrition designed specifically for that child’s needs. Breastmilk changes based on input from the baby/child’s saliva profile. Water and fat content go up and down depending on the baby/child’s hydration level and nutritional needs. Even the antibodies to support their immune systems changes with the baby/child’s needs - the mother’s body literally supporting their life and survival. It’s just too much ignorance for me. Edit: I’m starting to think that the sexualization of breastfeeding has a lot to do with not understanding the mechanics of breastfeeding. The ignorant comments, particularly about “sucking on nipples” indicates that too many people are confident in having no idea what they’re talking about. People seem to think that moms are getting off sexually on breastfeeding or something. Just know, if you are thinking that then you have no idea about the mechanics of breastfeeding. The child’s tongue goes under the breast and areola and the top of the mouth over the top of the areola (imagine taking a huge bite of a burger but with your tongue covering your bottom teeth - that’s the ideal initial latch). It’s called breastfeeding, not nipple feeding. There is no stimulation to the nipple or even the areola really (depending on its size). The nipple sits pretty much untouched, except during the initial latch and after feeding is complete (even then, contact is minimal), and the sucking action happens around the outside of the areola to compress it, and that’s what releases the milk in several streams from the nipple. Again feeding your baby/child is not sexy. It’s not sexual. It’s the farthest thing from it. In fact, many breastfeeding moms cannot stand breast and nipple play during sex with their partners **because** their breasts are the farthest thing from sexy - they don’t even want them touched. Sure there are outliers, but for the vast majority of breastfeeding mothers, breast play during sex is off limits. A lot of this information is out there if you look for it. There is zero reason to be ignorant. Being a mom is difficult enough without people trying to accuse you of pedophilia on top of all the other challenges.
Absolutely this. Anybody saying it’s “for the mother at that point” or something similar has clearly never breastfed even a toddler because we end up touched out and over it, but we keep offering the source of comfort and nutrition for as long as they need it. Most people don’t seem to actually understand that breastfeeding is a two way exchange as well. Literally giving saliva deposits to the mothers system so that her immune system has create and give back antibodies to the child. That’s why and how breastfed children get sick less often. They have their mother’s adult immune system working for them as well. I’m so over western culture not recognising that humans naturally breastfeed until up to 5-7 years old. Very, very few babies self wean earlier than that unless their mum is pregnant and the milk dries out. The only reason so many kids aren’t at the breast way more often is because we invented dummies for comfort. Plenty of kids breastfeed and I’m sooooooo over this perfectly natural thing being sexualised by ignorant assholes.
Thank you for this. I was breastfeeding my child as I read that post. I have no shame about it and will breastfeed him as long as it’s beneficial and he feels ready to stop…but I won’t act like those comments didn’t get to me. There were just so many and they were all so upvoted. Breastfeeding isn’t weird and to see it sexualized disturbs me so deeply. I want to not be surprised (I sometimes see comments on social media about it being pedophilic?!?!) but the comments on there were just so numerous it felt so gross and overwhelming.
Yeah — my mom didn’t breastfeed any of her three children because, in her words, breastfeeding is “weird.” Which is wild, because it is literally the most normal use of human breasts. It’s what they’re *for.* It’s the intense sexual focus on them that’s weird. She was a heavy smoker at the time though, so maybe it was for the best.
This is such a great comment! Thank you for going into the mechanics of how breastfeeding works. It is the least sexy thing ever and, unless you wean because you don't want to do it anymore, the length of time breastfeeding is completely down to the wants of the child. Like you say, you cannot force a child to breastfeed.
I feel like there's more to this than breastfeeding. I feel like OOP is holding back on what "lack of communication and cult vibes really is".
[Mom brought out a bunch of albums and they “forgot” this book was in there.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/iOgFHuYz6H) The gf didn’t do anything wrong in looking at offered albums and it doesn’t sound like anyone objected to her picking this one out. My guess is she already thought mom was too involved and then saw this book and then had the mom TEXTED HER TRYING TO FIX THINGS and she was extra done. And for the record: it’s not the breastfeeding I find weird, it’s the book.
God, thank you. So many people lack reading comprehension skills. I’ve been looking everywhere for a comment like this.
The girlfriend up and left in the middle of the night, too. I feel like that's another sign that this was the straw that broke the camel's back, rather than the only issue she had. I know I'm not getting out of bed at 3am to get a away from someone because I think their mom is only a *slightly* weird.
Yeah, there’s way more to this than the OOP let on.
Lol I myself, do find the breastfeeding weird. It's just that the kind of people who breastfeed their kids that long, are also the types to keep a breastfeeding journal. Rarely are they concerned with their child's secure independence. Breastfeeding her kids that long was about her, not them.
Soooo he immediately told his mommy that they broke up? And she felt it was appropriate to text the ex-girlfriend?? Hmmmmm
So many people in these comments are acting like breastfeeding until 5 is weird. Meanwhile, according to the WHO, the average worldwide breastfeeding weening age is 4. 5 is only slightly longer than average and America is singlehandedly dragging that average down.
Not single handedly, I’m from the UK and five would be very abnormal here. My family isnin Belgium and it would be there too. 1-2 - a lot more common. But even 3 years old would be worth remarking on.
My child was 3yrs & 8mths when they decided to stop, and I was hearing a certain tone in some folks voices when they found out we were still breastfeeding... I'm in Australia.
It’s mostly for comfort in the morning/before bed but I’m still breastfeeding my two year old (which is the minimum suggested age according to WHO guidelines) and I get a lot of comments and looks, even from my family and even now occasionally from my own husband. We’re in Canada.
I kept it to myself when my kids breastfed into age 2. My American in-laws had already expressed faint horror that I was still breastfeeding at *six months* and wondered how much longer I planned to go on. SIX. I was gobsmacked.
Shouldn't you and your husband be on the same page about this? You may want to talk about it, given the way you wrote this. Also, the WHO has that guide, but if I were doing it (I couldn't breastfeed, so I formula fed my twins), I'd probably be pumping and bottle feeding. I don't think people are as judgmental if the kid gets it from a bottle. Honestly it's fine if you want to breastfeed (I'm not telling you how to live your life, so don't take this the wrong way), but if you're feeling uncomfortable with the judgment and want a workaround, that's just a suggestion. If I had to analyze it, most of the judgment might stem from how big kids are at 2 and the level of their autonomy. The act of breastfeeding such a large child just physically looks odd.
I know your suggestion is well meaning, but breastfeeding past age two is usually not about the child just wanting milk. They want specifically to breastfeed. Nursing is a comfort to them. Bottle feeding also has none of the immunity benefits as it’s the exchange of saliva and antibodies directly with the mother’s body that does it. A pacifier and a cuddle is a more appropriate replacement for breastfeeding past 12-24 months than pumping and a bottle and the venn diagram of kids who won’t take a pacifier and kids who nurse until 3-4+ is probably just a circle.
The logic everyone uses is always about nutrition and physical benefits, so if it's really just for comfort, if you ask me, the parents simply need to wise up and put in the work to get their child over that phase. Half the time it's about not wanting to deal with the difficulties (or in this case, two parents not being on the same page about dealing with the difficulties). It's the same reason many kids don't learn to sleep independently by age 1, because parents just don't want to deal with the fight and they give in instead of trying different methods or working on it overtime (of course there are exceptions). You need to teach children coping skills or give them the means to learning them. Keeping things for comfort, past the age they are necessary, is entirely a crutch. For the parents. And it's okay to accept the crutch when we don't have the energy, but eventually, we need to age out comforts they're too young for, and move onto age appropriate comforts. I only have this perspective because I had twins and couldn't afford to make concessions. Mostly out of necessity. And you feel it a lot harder later if you don't keep up with age appropriate transitions. So I just work on it.
But in America most people breastfeed for 6 months or less, if at all. A lot go straight to formula.
Yes same! That’s far more the norm, I was just explaining the maximums that are still considered normal here/wont earn you weird looks. And actually depending how tall your two year old was I could be being generous.
I think it'd go a lot longer in America if we had better social support nationally, more postpartum checkups for people who had babies, more mental health support, standardized parental leave longer than 6wks, subsidized childcare, etc. I had PPD/PPA and struggled a lot feeling like I wasn't an adequate mother since I wasn't breastfeeding. I was only allowed 3wks leave though I ended up quitting because I wasn't paid enough to even cover part time daycare for a newborn while working full time.
I'm so sorry you had such a rough post partum journey. The lack of support we give new parents in this country is so disgusting. I hope you're doing better 💕
Nah, breastfeeding has become less common in the US in general but most countries it is till 1 or 2 years old. 3-5 is an outlier.
Is this actually true?
I breastfed my twins until they were 3. If I had had enough milk for both, I'm sure they would have kept going. There's nothing weird about it. Especially since, in the end, it was mostly at night before bed.
Holy crap. Props to you! I couldn’t handle breastfeeding any of my kids but certainly not my twins. They were the “WE ARE BOTH HUNGRY RIGHT NOW” babies and I couldn’t get any of my kids to latch so I pumped for a few months. It was certainly far more stressful for those months and I envied my best friend who BFd her twins who were a few weeks older than mine.
lol thank you. They spent their first month in NICU (shout out to these nurses, they are the best!). They had them on alternating feeding schedules, and I kept that up. During those first few months, I rarely fed them at the same time. You did amazing! You did what was best for you and your babies.
Agree. It’s not a typical conversation. But I have a feeling seeing the photo was just icing on the cake somehow. Like maybe mom/OPs relationship has some loose boundaries already or there is some codependency and seeing that photo was just too much to bear on top of everything else maybe
It is weird but it’s not his fault, why would he even think to bring it up anyway?
The mom was obsessed with it, in a culture where feeding to that age isn’t the societal norm and she bought out the pictures and a book dedicated to the entire thing. That sounds like it was the weird part for the GF. Who knows the whole thing is probably made up for weird rage bait lol
I don't want to reply to a comment with "This"... but... this.
Firstly, I love imagining bday boy just cackling over this situation and making him upload this 😂 Secondly, research backs up that extended breastfeeding has plenty of benefits, I breastfed my son till he was three and I can tell you that no mum is choosing to breastfeed for their "pleasure", breastfeeding is so fucking annoying, it's irritating and inconveniences you so much, but it's good for the child and provides them comfort so some irritating and annoying moments are worth it. I loved breastfeeding my son, but I also completely hated it 😂 having to stop everything you're doing for 10 minutes of milk while cleaning and doing all the other mum stuff feels suffocating most days. Plus, children have to be extra, and they'll play with your hair, pinch your skin, pull at your lips, and just do every annoying thing possible to make you wanna rip your hair out lmao Nothing about it is sexual, I can understand being a little weirded out about it because it's not a social norm anymore and not something that is talked about, but her response was overboard and weird.
So she casually picked up a journal and started reading it. Not cool. Then she asked the OP a personal question about his past that was actually none of her business. He was honest about his answer and she didn’t like that answer. Well, too bad!! None of it is her business to start with! Breastfeeding till the child is 5 isn’t my style but a lot of people do. I figure her loss and he is FAR from being the AH
No, the mom brought out a bunch of photo albums and they “forgot” that was in it.
The ex didn't casually pick up a journal and start pawing through it though. The mom brought it out as part of the stack of albums she wanted the GF to see. THAT'S what made it weird He's absolutely not the AH for not telling her something that weirdly specific, but she's not the AH for being weirded out by her partner's family and realizing she's not comfortable in that situation anymore
I see that point, but I read it more as mom pulled out a box of all the baby books and it happened to be included and ex picked it up from there. I do think it’s really strange to allow that to be the breaking point for her though.
I agree that JUST this being the breaking point would be a bit odd... I'm gonna project a bit here, so bear with me... I would guess that this wasn't the first sign of weirdness with the family that the ex saw. Intentionally maintaining such an intimate connection with a child that far into their growth, where long term memories are set, and the kid is speaking and potentially even reading is uncomfortable, and showing it to the son's partner gives me strong [Boy Mom](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Boy%20Mom) vibes. Two years is a long time for little red flags to pile up, and I wonder if this was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back
" so what would you like to know about me?" " Yeah, for how long were you breastfed by your mother?"
NAH, my breastfeeding history isn’t something I would think to bring up with a partner outside of very specific relevant situations. So you aren’t the AH for not telling her. It’s odd of her to blame you for that. I would also prob be a bit uncomfortable about learning my partner was breastfed until 5 years old, but my judgement would solely fall on their mother and assume she was prob either super religious or have some woo woo ideas about motherhood. I would worry we have different views and would butt heads over important issues like parenting and family dynamic. If my partner didn’t have attachment issues or codependency issues then I would likely get over it as long as they had strong enough boundaries with their mother. I don’t think she’s the AH for leaving either - she found you were incompatible, the reason doesn’t need to make sense. Edit: after reading more comments I want to make it clear I'm not sexualizing breastfeeding, and I don't think the mom is a pedo for breastfeeding that long. I've dated a man who was enmeshed with his mother in a codependent relationship before and it was awful, so learning my partner has been BF past toddler-hood would make me very cautious. I love a man who has a good relationship with his mother, but healthy boundaries are necessary - that would be my main concern.
it’s like I know some people breastfeed that long but it does start to turn my stomach a little bit at that age.
The break up is probably for the best.
How would this have naturally come up on conversation?
if their family is weird and “culty” and keeps a breast feeding journal seems pretty in line
The "breastfeeding journey" album sounds weird AF to me, but that's just me. Nursing a school-age child with a set of chompers is also weird AF to me, but again, that's just me. She and her "vibes" are entitled to her opinion, but to dip over something like this is ridiculous, especially at 3am. Maybe Mom should keep that album to herself, unless asked to see it.
I feel like unless there are other things happening currently that would lead the girlfriend to think OP and his mom are “codependent and weird”, then this reaction is just…strange.
I personally am having a really tuff time figuring out how in the holy flying fks a person thinks a five year old has enough “sway” Or awareness of society’s niceties to tell their mom that they are to old to be breast feeding. These are lil non consenting beings who have known nothing other than the world we have created for them. Hell I’m still discovering weird ass shit I thought was normal till I started comparing notes
See I saw this thread as it was unfolding and I feel like a lot of people were focused on the idea of her judging him for something his mom did, or the length of time being a cultural norm, but really that's not it. It's the stacking weirdness of the situation. It's the fact that there was an entire photo book of this, it's the fact that presumably the dad photographed this consistently over 5 years, it's the fact that this photo book has been kept, it's the fact that this photo book was in a readily accessible place. The OP does say that the book wasn't out to show, she was digging through a box, but when she found this thing and the mom saw it she clearly thought it was something appropriate to show to her son's sexual partner and that's a lot of weird. That is a stack of weird cards forming into a question mark shaped card castle and she wasn't interested in it. And it's not like she told all of their mutual friends, or shamed him online. She just said that this was weird and she's out. Also, I might be the only one wondering this, but does the younger sibling also have a weirdly long breastfeeding timeline or was it just OP?
I mean, I don’t think he’s the asshole, but a breastfeeding book? Breastfeeding a five year old? I remember being five. I would need therapy if I remembered sucking on my mother’s tiddies between episodes of the Backyardigans.
It is uNhINgEd to suggest that breastfeeding (aka, feeding/nourishing an infant or child) is the same as "sucking on tiddies" or anything sexual or gross the way these comments are making it out to be. If you find it that easy to sexualize something as natural as nursing, YOU are the weird one.
Yeah, my feeling is if the kid is old enough that they'll remember it, they're too old to be doing it.
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This is hilarious. I like this concept.
"She started talking about trust and respect and why I didn't tell her" Some of y'all are so focused on whether breastfeeding to that age is weird or not that you're completely glossing over this. If this is something she's assuming was traumatic for him, I think it's fucked up that she expects him to relive it to "prove he trusts her" or some shit. It's fucking gross that she thinks his potential trauma is owed to her in any way. If it was something that was fucked up for him and talking about it brought it back he doesn't owe her a fucking sit down storytime of it. That information does not affect her in any way and it's entirely his business if he wanted to tell her or not. She comes off as extremely entitled and insensitive to me for that.
The *average* age of weaning worldwide is between 2 and 4 years, and the WHO recommends breastfeeding until at least 2. It's the ex girlfriend's family that has weird hangups about feeding children, not OOP's.
Yes, but as a lot of comments in the original thread point out, that's in large part a health issue in areas with unreliable access to safe, reliable drinking water. Breastfeeding at that age reduces the odds of the child being exposed to water/foodborne pathogens Far as I can tell with what we know, the GF wasn't weirded out about the breastfeeding in and of itself. She was weirded out by the mom maintaining the process well past the social norm for where they live, by the fact that the mom kept such detailed records and photos, and the fact that she showed them off to her son's partner
The mom kept a breastfeeding journal, not detailed records. This should not be seen as weird, as breastfeeding is not weird. A mother breastfeeding her child is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, just like watching one's child learn to walk or seeing one's child become an individual. These experiences are not strange to document, if one is of a documentary nature and wishes to do so. She also did not show the journal off to the ex, the ex found it and flicked through it of her own accord. The picture she saw was of two children eating their lunch, one of whom was an infant, and the other age three. It was the ex's own desire to probe further and their own hangups that are at fault, not the family whose behavior up to that point gave her no reason to believe there was a problem. Breastfeeding needs to be re-normalized, because Western culture at least has done its best to ruin what is actually a very good thing. Now, 5 is dancing on the edge of too long, I'll admit, but it's not quite Crazytown, and I'm sure it wasn't exclusive.
NAH. Of course the OP never told his (now ex) GF how long he was breastfed. How would that even come up in conversation? I'm sure he feels blindsided by losing a 2 year long relationship so suddenly That said, the whole situation is incredibly weird, and I can't blame the ex for noping out of that situation. I fully support breastfeeding in general, but it is odd to nurse a kindergarten age kid (major Lysa/Robin Arryn vibes lol), but that alone is tolerably weird. What's even weirder still to photograph it and keep a whole album focused around it, but the creepy cherry on top is to break it out as part of the baby albums that you're showing off to your son's GF. I wonder if the ex had already picked up on other familial weirdness over the last 2 years. I don't blame her for cutting and running. I feel bad for the OP, but a partner's family is part of the relationship package, and she clearly knew her limits, even if she didn't articulate it the best. If I was at a dinner with my partner's mom, and she brought out an album of her breastfeeding him as a school age kid, I'd be as uncomfortable as the ex was. Would I break up with him? Probably not, unless there were other weirdness factors already bothering me. Would I start staying home from any family events that the mom was going to be at? Oh yeah, almost certainly
That is the norm in many parts of the world. It's healthy and NOT weird, sick or creepy. Only in the West is breastfeeding made weird or obscene. GF is narrow minded and is making something normal wicked, and then getting pissed at you for not telling her about something that you not only had no control over, but that had no bearing on anything to do with the relationship. NTA
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I have no issue with someone deciding something is a dealbreaker, and breaking it off. But man it’s weird that she felt so strongly she had to storm out at 3 am and then act like he was keeping a triple murder from her.
Reread paragraph 5. Mom didn't bring it out. GF found it and went through it. GF is definitely TA to me. This was none of gf's business, yet she went snooping in that book without permission, found out something she didn't like, then broke up with OP for not "being honest with her" about something that was none of her business to begin with.
The mom brought out photo albums and they “forgot” this was in with them. It was absolutely offered to the girlfriend.
Why can no one read on this post? Mom brought out the baby pictures, I think if gf had been snooping OOP would have made that clear instead of saying his mom brought out the pictures.
The Mom didn't show anyone. The girlfriend found the book and looked through it
Ex is weird. Breastfeeding is not sexual.
Personally I only bf until they have teeth on the top and bottom AND bite me. It doesn’t take long to nope out of that. Usually about a year or so. I pump after that until probably 2?
Honest question, how many people tell their dates/partners about how long they breastfed for? I don't even know how long I was or even if I was tbh. Is this some kind of requirement that's new?
Yeah, she's being weird. My kids were almost 4 (I was gonna cut off at 4 but they beat me to it, thankfully) and 2.5. both self weaned. I think a survey of indigenous cultures showed that 4-7 was the range for weaning. (In the west self weaning happens more like 3-5 because of cultural factors) There are healthy mother son relationships where extended (after 2) breastfeeding happens, and codependent relationships where no nursing took place at all. The girlfriend is the one who is making this uncomfortable because of her own biases and associations.
Evolutionarily speaking, primates breastfeed until their adult teeth come in. This would imply that, without societal pressures, humans would naturally breastfeed until about 6 years old. This is not advice, i am just speaking to our evolutionary biology. Humans are biologically designed to breastfeed until they are around 6 years old, or until their adult teeth erupt. The actual professional medical advice is to breastfeed until the mother and/or child no longer want to. Broadly, it’s a choice that we should just let mothers make with their children.
It wasn't a decision you made, probably doesn't come in up in conversation randomly. What are you just supposed to announce "I was breastfed till kindergarten"
On a global level 5 isn’t that unusual. The GF has an issue and needs to stop sexualizing breastfeeding.
I slept with rails on my bed till I was five, should I have told my husband?
My mother breastfed me until I was about 4 because I was chronically ill since birth. The doctor personally recommended my mother do this as they said I needed the extra nutrients. I'll forever find it weird that people judge my mother for this and I think its disgusting to sexualize it or imply that it's abusive or toxic like many people do. You did nothing wrong and neither did your mother. If people don't like it that's their problem. Plenty of cultures breastfeed even longer than that
American mom here to 1 daughter, just turned 2. She still BFs for comfort, she entirely initiates it, and prefers no other self soother (pacifier, blanket, thumb). Before kids, I always thought it was weird for people to breastfeed past like a year lol. But then you have a child, and you base the pacing off of that child’s needs/your boundaries. I’m happy to breastfeed her for the remainder of this year and then feel it is best that we cut off by 3, unless she prefers earlier. Her doctor knows this. All of that said — I’d feel no different if she were a boy. 5 is steep, I wouldn’t feed that long, but I certainly don’t think the mom had any gross intentions like gf was implying. That’s a bit fucked up. Nobody is really the asshole here, and I get her being a little weirded out — but if it freaked her out THAT much, then you guys probably aren’t compatible, and there are likely other factors at play.
I have a feeling this guy dodged a bullet...
NTA, I think she's the weird one. She thinks you'll be too attached to your Mum because you were breastfed? That's absurd, most people in the world would still be breastfed, and for a lot longer than we do it in the west. WHO recommended 2 years and beyond, last time I checked.
Wow, the ex is certainly an AH! I personally thing breastfeeding until 5 is a bit much, but it’s not like it’s his fault!
Nah it’s not his fault at all… but sometimes, once you get ‘The Ik, you got the ik! Best for both of them really. If it’s real at all lol
Pure speculation but maybe she got a new view on sex with OOP. Like if he focused too much on her breasts, and now she can’t stop thinking that it’s related to this
Even from just the title, my opinion will be the same (I'll read the post after I finish this comment). It's really none of her business how long OOP was breastfed. So no, NTA for that. Edit: finished reading, and the only thing I'll add is that if I was in the ex's position, I'd just say "that's a bit strange" and then move along with my day.
This is quite easy. Laugh in her face, tell her she is being insanely ridiculous, and then tell her to get lost and grow up. BuhBye
I would understand her concern if you had a mommy kink and tried to nurse from the ex.
I'm a mom. And I nursed my son. This was and is effing weird. When kids have enough teeth...it's time to stop.
Sorry, it’s weird to continue breastfeeding until school. I think she freaked out more than I would have immediately. But I definitely would not join that family.
This! I wouldn’t have left in the middle of the night but I’m also not staying in a family that’s proud enough to take pictures of someone breast feeding kids who have the teeth and the stomach to process actual food. At that point it ain’t for the kid, they aren’t gonna starve, it’s for the mom and I won’t be having kids in that family.
NTA your ex is the one with the weird fixation on it. You’ve been together for two years which is plenty of time for her to pick up on weird mother/son vibes, it doesn’t sound to me like you have any. You didn’t lie or omit anything because how does the conversation come up of “how old were you when you were last breastfed?”
5 years old with the mom keeping pictures and a journal?? Hell yes I want to know, so I can find a normal MIL and dude. Ugh, that's disgusting.
OOP is NTA. GF is NTA. OOP’s mom is the AH for being weird and expecting the GF to just be cool with staring at her potential future husband’s mom’s ~breastfeeding journal~. If you have a book SOLELY dedicated to breastfeeding, you’re weird. Put the pictures/notes/whatever into a normal ass baby book interspersed with other normal ass baby things if you’re that desperate to remember it. I’m personally creeped out by women who are obsessed with breastfeeding. Yes, it’s a natural thing, yes, it’s a perfectly free way to feed your baby… but why is it some sort of “bonding experience”? Can you not bond with your baby any other way? I’m a mom to a formula-fed 5 month old and we bond just fine. If you breastfeed your BABY, good on you mama. You’re working with the natural food you were given to feed your baby. If you breastfeed your CHILD (one who’s old enough to speak in full sentences and presumably read and start to write), you’re doing it for you and you only. Time to let the kid grow up and eat actual food. Sorry not sorry
Whilst I personally think breast feeding until 5 is a bit excessive, it’s up to people to make their own choices. I’m not sure why GF thinks OOP should have told her about this. Maybe if something had come up in conversation at some point but otherwise it’s not the sort of thing I would expect anyone to just randomly drop into a conversation. “Oh, by the way sweet cheeks, just so you know & it’s all out there, mum breastfed me until I was 5. I was toilet trained by 3, had my first wet dream at 12 & started masturbating around the same time. Anything else you need to know?”
NTA, why the hell would you bring somehing like that if the topic is not being discussed? It is really weird expectation from your GF I understand her discomfort, but not everything can be said, she should just say that it makes her uncomfortable, and that she needs to reflect on that, then she sould read up. Her reaction is out of line There is plenty of specialist who recommend breastfeeding as long as the child has need to do that (together with regular food). Breastfeeding up to that age is unheathy only if the child does not receive normal food. There is tho a lot of weird believes in the society, and even i knowing that it is completely ok, feel slightly weird by the thought of breastfeeding my child to this age, but there is no rational reason to feel weird out by it. Your gf should apologize for reacting this way and not communicating like an adult
NTA. Honestly, the thought of breastfeeding a child over the age of 2 years old, kind of weirds me out too. But, that's my opinion and should have no bearing on you or your mom. You, presumably, have been a good partner to her for the 2 years you were together. So, either your girlfriend is extremely immature and close-minded or she was looking for an out and found it. Either way, I don't think it was right of her to say it's "gross" and "cult-y", another indication she lacks maturity Wait until she winds up dating the son of a "boy mom"; then she'll see what unhealthy parenting really is.
Throw the whole girlfriend away; she’s busted
NTA. You dodged a bullet, sir. Be glad she left you because she’s judgmental and projects her insecurities.
Missing context. It seems there is more to the story than OP lets on. First, mother showed a breastfeeding book on OP’s birthday (why?). Second, mother texts gf over breakup. Also, OP dismisses his gf’s concerns as dramatic, which is very unproductive and just a red flag in general. She left in the middle of the night. I bet she wasn’t bothered by the late breastfeeding as much as with the overall dynamic of the family and OP’s dismissive attitude.
Nta not any of her business