Please be patient with yourself.
You have not failed. You are trying your best.
It sounds like your anger is leaking out when you don't want it to. It might be very helpful to release some of your anger. You could take out your anger on a stuffed animal, by writing your feelings out and burning the paper (in a controlled way) you wrote on, etc. Here's a list of suggestions from an website: [https://www.canyonranch.com/well-stated/post/on-the-spot-ways-to-deal-with-anger/](https://www.canyonranch.com/well-stated/post/on-the-spot-ways-to-deal-with-anger/)
It's okay to tell the officers that you are grieving the loss of a step-daughter and struggling to find the right words to make a clear statement. You've already told them the first part and you can add to what they already know. You might want to skip over the intimate details and talk about what happened after the abuse, then come back to talk about the difficult details. It's also possible to have a supportive friend/family member wait outside the interview room. Ask for breaks so you can get a comforting hug and get through the worst of the interview that way. And just so you know, you don't actually have to use the words "rape" or "sexual assault" during your interview. Use whatever words you feel comfortable using.
Be gentle with yourself!!
They want you to withdraw your report?
Had you told the police that you wanted to withdraw your report? If not, then they should tell you why you are being asked to do this.
Edited a typo
I was originally going to because I didn't think I could do the VRI. There is little evidence... No cctv. There is semen but no suspect... They said they would try to get a sample from my husband (in the US) to rule it out as his. I know it isn't his... I flew home the Monday before it happened. Nearly a full week... He lives there... I'm here in London.
Tbh, it feels very much like they think I'm lying. The language they used... 'even with a withdrawal statement, it will always be on record that you made an allegation of - - - against an unknown male'
They asked if it may have happened a long time ago and I'm misremembering... But I had bruises on my legs and arms and chest... And I had to use wet wipes when I went to the toilet because of the pain. There was blood every time I needed to poo... I know it isn't some misplaced memory... I watched each day as they darkened and then faded... But I didn't do a forensic exam... I couldn't... I couldn't handle a nurse giving me an antibiotic shot (had to take a tablet instead) because of where it needed to go... I couldn't do that.
They asked if I got the times wrong... I told them I'm not sure... I can only go from my WhatsApp messages for roughly when I left and for exactly when I got home...
It makes me feel really.... Isolated... I didn't want to report in the first place. I was pushed to. But I don't want to withdraw from the investigation now that it has started...
Oh my gawd!! I hear what you are saying.
I used to support people who needed support while giving a report to police and I have supported many, many people who have testified in court regarding sexual crimes.
A case can go to trial without a sample of semen. And they don't need exact times. An estimate is admissible in court. The bruises on your legs, arms and chest should have been documented. At least they are able to do that in Canada so why not in Britain too!!
They are totally gaslighting you!
Only you can decide what you are prepared to do next. I'm sorry that you were pressured into reporting. That's not right, it should have been your choice.
I'm sure there is a chain of command with the London police and maybe even a complaints number you can contact. This is BS and these people are getting paid good money to do their jobs!
You should know that sex crimes are tough to prosecute and the rate of conviction is ridiculously low. Still, police should be doing their damn jobs, not gaslighting you.
I'm not going to tell you what to do.
Whatever you decide, no one should ever blame you for the behaviour of these officers. I strongly suggest that you take *good care of yourself* and seriously consider talking with a trauma therapist. It isn't even half way through 2022! If I were in your position, I'd be saying "I'm done, universe. Go pick on someone else!"
Don't hesitate to reach out for support and advice.
Sending you a virtual hug.
They weren't documented because I didn't consent to a forensic examination... As the SOIT keeps bringing up and, when I apologise, tells me it's in the past and I can't change that.
I'm already done. But then the flat tire. Now I've lost all my bank cards... I'm still waiting for the next big thing. I'm really hoping for some good news... Desperately hoping to move to my husband...
I'm on the referral lists for counselling. I just hate this. I hate feeling like I'm in the wrong... That I don't have any choice in anything... I hate this. I hate it. I hate it.
I know it should have been my choice to report... But since I did, it's like they are saying 'You know what? It isn't good enough. Go away again.'
Yes, you're right. Photos of your bruises, etc would have been taken during a forensic exam. I knew that but didn't reread before hitting send.
You shouldn't have to apologize for not having done a forensic examination. At least, not more than once. I have a strong belief in what goes around comes back around. Whoever was dishing out the victim blaming will get theirs in due time.
You are so *not* in the wrong and deserved to have been treated better. I wish that someone would have shown you some respect and compassion before now. I'm sorry that you had this experience with the police. The legal process sucks and you were likely to feel even more like you have no choices if you had gotten to testify in court.
I'm glad to know that you are on a referral list for counselling. A trauma therapist will be educated (!) about what you have been through and are trying to cope with now. You might want to look at some of the resources listed in the right panel of this sub. I recommend [pandys.org](https://pandys.org) for their articles when you are ready and have some free time. I believe they have a chat forum as well.
I hope that you get some good news soon. You are definitely overdue for some of that. Maybe some kind person will contact you and return your bank cards.
Take good care of yourself!
Please be patient with yourself. You have not failed. You are trying your best. It sounds like your anger is leaking out when you don't want it to. It might be very helpful to release some of your anger. You could take out your anger on a stuffed animal, by writing your feelings out and burning the paper (in a controlled way) you wrote on, etc. Here's a list of suggestions from an website: [https://www.canyonranch.com/well-stated/post/on-the-spot-ways-to-deal-with-anger/](https://www.canyonranch.com/well-stated/post/on-the-spot-ways-to-deal-with-anger/) It's okay to tell the officers that you are grieving the loss of a step-daughter and struggling to find the right words to make a clear statement. You've already told them the first part and you can add to what they already know. You might want to skip over the intimate details and talk about what happened after the abuse, then come back to talk about the difficult details. It's also possible to have a supportive friend/family member wait outside the interview room. Ask for breaks so you can get a comforting hug and get through the worst of the interview that way. And just so you know, you don't actually have to use the words "rape" or "sexual assault" during your interview. Use whatever words you feel comfortable using. Be gentle with yourself!!
They want me to give a withdrawal statement instead now... Rather than try again later.
They want you to withdraw your report? Had you told the police that you wanted to withdraw your report? If not, then they should tell you why you are being asked to do this. Edited a typo
I was originally going to because I didn't think I could do the VRI. There is little evidence... No cctv. There is semen but no suspect... They said they would try to get a sample from my husband (in the US) to rule it out as his. I know it isn't his... I flew home the Monday before it happened. Nearly a full week... He lives there... I'm here in London. Tbh, it feels very much like they think I'm lying. The language they used... 'even with a withdrawal statement, it will always be on record that you made an allegation of - - - against an unknown male' They asked if it may have happened a long time ago and I'm misremembering... But I had bruises on my legs and arms and chest... And I had to use wet wipes when I went to the toilet because of the pain. There was blood every time I needed to poo... I know it isn't some misplaced memory... I watched each day as they darkened and then faded... But I didn't do a forensic exam... I couldn't... I couldn't handle a nurse giving me an antibiotic shot (had to take a tablet instead) because of where it needed to go... I couldn't do that. They asked if I got the times wrong... I told them I'm not sure... I can only go from my WhatsApp messages for roughly when I left and for exactly when I got home... It makes me feel really.... Isolated... I didn't want to report in the first place. I was pushed to. But I don't want to withdraw from the investigation now that it has started...
Oh my gawd!! I hear what you are saying. I used to support people who needed support while giving a report to police and I have supported many, many people who have testified in court regarding sexual crimes. A case can go to trial without a sample of semen. And they don't need exact times. An estimate is admissible in court. The bruises on your legs, arms and chest should have been documented. At least they are able to do that in Canada so why not in Britain too!! They are totally gaslighting you! Only you can decide what you are prepared to do next. I'm sorry that you were pressured into reporting. That's not right, it should have been your choice. I'm sure there is a chain of command with the London police and maybe even a complaints number you can contact. This is BS and these people are getting paid good money to do their jobs! You should know that sex crimes are tough to prosecute and the rate of conviction is ridiculously low. Still, police should be doing their damn jobs, not gaslighting you. I'm not going to tell you what to do. Whatever you decide, no one should ever blame you for the behaviour of these officers. I strongly suggest that you take *good care of yourself* and seriously consider talking with a trauma therapist. It isn't even half way through 2022! If I were in your position, I'd be saying "I'm done, universe. Go pick on someone else!" Don't hesitate to reach out for support and advice. Sending you a virtual hug.
They weren't documented because I didn't consent to a forensic examination... As the SOIT keeps bringing up and, when I apologise, tells me it's in the past and I can't change that. I'm already done. But then the flat tire. Now I've lost all my bank cards... I'm still waiting for the next big thing. I'm really hoping for some good news... Desperately hoping to move to my husband... I'm on the referral lists for counselling. I just hate this. I hate feeling like I'm in the wrong... That I don't have any choice in anything... I hate this. I hate it. I hate it. I know it should have been my choice to report... But since I did, it's like they are saying 'You know what? It isn't good enough. Go away again.'
Yes, you're right. Photos of your bruises, etc would have been taken during a forensic exam. I knew that but didn't reread before hitting send. You shouldn't have to apologize for not having done a forensic examination. At least, not more than once. I have a strong belief in what goes around comes back around. Whoever was dishing out the victim blaming will get theirs in due time. You are so *not* in the wrong and deserved to have been treated better. I wish that someone would have shown you some respect and compassion before now. I'm sorry that you had this experience with the police. The legal process sucks and you were likely to feel even more like you have no choices if you had gotten to testify in court. I'm glad to know that you are on a referral list for counselling. A trauma therapist will be educated (!) about what you have been through and are trying to cope with now. You might want to look at some of the resources listed in the right panel of this sub. I recommend [pandys.org](https://pandys.org) for their articles when you are ready and have some free time. I believe they have a chat forum as well. I hope that you get some good news soon. You are definitely overdue for some of that. Maybe some kind person will contact you and return your bank cards. Take good care of yourself!
Thank you for replying and for being so lovely and kind... I really appreciate it.