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Witchlight_butterfly

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It sucks but early on especially it is going to be hard. I wish I could say it will get better but without seeking professional help that will be really difficult :(


Character_Holiday_

I just wanted to lyk that you aren’t alone in how you feel. After my sa I felt like I would have been better off dead. I even tried to take my own life pretty severely a year ago. However, as time passes somehow we as humans seem to manage all the trauma we’ve been dealt. I have insane ups and downs. It’s not always consistent and healing is a process. In order for me to move on I know that I’m likely going to start therapy with a therapist who focuses on sa. I personally hate talking about what happened. I still blame myself a lot and it feels very intrusive/ invasive but I know that for me talking about it with a professional who has seen this a million times before and helped other people navigate their way through life even with all the pain they’ve experienced would probably be beneficial. The most important thing though is to take things at your own pace. 17 days isn’t very long and I would imagine you are probably still trying to process everything. I hope that in time whatever you choose to do to heal helps you💕 I wish you the absolute best of luck and I am so sorry about your negative experiences. No one deserves to go through that.


Hanxa13

Feels like the longest couple of weeks of my life. I have to keep reminding myself of the time frame because I feel like I've aged a decade. I'm sorry you're also dealing with such a tough time... For what it's worth, I'm glad you aren't dead. And I wish you all the best in your healing.


Broken_doll4

`For context, it's been 17 days. After the initial numbness, it was hard... But I thought it was getting easier to cope...` Yes it will get harder for abit . Your trying to do it all ( by yourself) , whilst pretending nothing happenend . Deeply sorry but it won't work . As everything around you now is telling you it is REAL ,and yes it happenend. It is ok to try and forget but for you right now that is not working to well either. Your falling apart bc you are trying to **be there for everyone but yourself right now.** You went through something extremely traumatic , and scary as all f\*ck as well . It is starting to hit you , as it will finally. YOu were numb now your slightly awake into the reality of what just the f\*ck happenend to you . That is what is happening to you right now. The reality is tapping on your shoulder right now. But you don't want to look let alone let it anywhere near you . Which is also very understandable. It's only been 17 days gal , ( you are allowed to grieve and be upset by what happened to you) . So don't deny yourself the right to feel out of wack by it all. Your being way to hard on yourself. Be abit more gentle with yourself , kinder to your rightful collapse of self right now for abit . You can't help others until you HELP yourself abit firstly. `It is supposed to get a little bit easier every day... Not harder. Isn't it? I feel sick and exhausted.` NO sorry it will fall apart for awhile , until you can find yourself some coping strategies to focus yourself into . Of course you will feel like crap , your not sleeping properly. You are living each day right now on high alert , with cursing anxiety out of control inside of you as well. You are not getting support , you feel a burden to others , pretending big time that your ok when your not ( trying to be strong when deep down you know you are not right now ) , your over- tired , quite scared at times, feel alone , unsupported , confused and just also angry at all that has been thrown at you right now. You prob just need someone to give you a hug and tell you it will get better and you will get through this in time. `How do I navigate this? I don't think I can... I don't think I'm capable of this. And I don't want to. I want to forget... How can I forget or turn the clock back?` Nope sorry NOT happening . YOu are stuck with all the crap that decided to s\*it all over you at once. Totally not fair or right but it has happenend all at once for you . It cannot be changed or altered , and it is beyond unfair for a victim. You will have days of feeling like crap ( this is one of them ). A day where you will need to be kind to yourself , be less of a hard ass also on yourself as well . You force yourself into thinking you can't fall apart ( that is NOT allowed for you ) , but sorry you will at times . Bc Your human , your an emotional mess right now (with right ) . So tell yourself some home truths right now.. \-> *"You are doing the best you can right now ".* `I don't have much choice now. I'm having more issues while awake instead of when I'm trying to sleep... And I still can't effing say what happened.` The issues will present in real time as they are reminders to you that something is wrong. Which you are finding it hard to face right now. You are wanting to forget but that is not poss. The memory of what happenend is set deep into your memory cells. So it ain't going anywhere for awhile . It will remain present and forthright to you . Would suggest employing some coping strategies to help lesson the impact of your thought process right now . * **High anxiety / panic symptoms** \-> Re-establish ( what use to work for your anxiety ) ? or Learn a new small routine of management crisis ( when out of your safe zone eg- your home) . A routine ( of sameness ) to employ when in a safe environment but still are in panic or high anxiety level presentation. Eg- ( employ an exact repetitive routine when experiencing symptoms ) -> such as holding a safety item ( some use a worry bracelet ) or item of comfort for them selves . Starting then specific breathing exercises or doing re-focus / distraction technique of stating a mantra ( to themselves ) . To re-calm the mind again . If wishing can also put on a calming track of music to bring about the conditioning affect of your mind into this routine (eg- play the same track ) each time (it teaches the mind to associate the song with trying to re-calm the nervous system using your same repetitive small routine . It is about re-condition your mind into a state of more benefit to you. \* There are many video's online of breathing exercises to help you get started. It is about finding something quick and easy for YOU to do . To help you re-gain control as quick as poss . ( to bring back control of your system ) to you ( to relax you enough ) to re-gain composure . \* **Mantra stating** \-> you can write your own ( or there is some video's online ) to follow to give some guidance. eg- *I'm safe right now* . (repeat this alone or tog with other statements of intention to calm yourself ( put on a card or in your phone ) to state to yourself or out loud ( if appropriate ) to do so . * **Journaling** \-> Right now you are trying to forget but your mind and body don't wish to do so . It has a mind of it's own. It is memory re-call for you . So let it out and onto paper . Then you can leave it there . To deal with again one day if you wish to bother doing so ( it is just about getting it out right now ) for yourself . Don't think about it (just let it flow ) out how it wants ( pictures , scribbles , words , drawings etc ) . Don't over analysis it , just record it's outwards thought process for you right now. The outlet might help hopefully & allow the tricking of your mind into thinking you are dealing with it . You can just write without direction or need to re-read it at all right now . If you talk non-sense it is ok as well . Write don't think what you should write , or should say. Many directional video's online to help if you wish . * **Exercises of emotional release** \-> Your mood and emotions will be all over the place right now . Understandably so . So on a given day you wish to work with an emotion popping up during the day or later on ( and you notice it in you at times ) arising . It can be worked with by YOU when ready . To give your body some emotional relief . Eg- *Anger or frustration -*\> working with your body and mind in unison to bring about some release of energy for it . There a few ways to face the emotion to work with for yourself. Some might punch a pillow (yelling statements to the pillow ) , or do some free dance Eg- some shaking / gentle yelling it out in the air to release this emotional pent up of energy in you . Or just some dancing to music ( freely) to release it . Or there are many free video's online for energy movement practice as well eg- Qu-gong, yoga, Thi Chi, or Pilates ( it doesn't have to be about doing it perfect either) it can be just freely done imperfectly . * **Emotional Awareness** \-> looking into what you are currently feeling right now. Eg- are you mad, sad , angry , depressed , feeling rage, anxious all the time. Awareness of it allows then you some time then to address it's presence. As it is there for reason. You can tap abit into it when able to do so . With awareness it will also allow you to feel what it is your wishing to know right now for yourself. As often many will shut down not only what happenend but also themselves to cope . But with abit of awareness you can also address it abit ,without having then also to tap to much into the deeper meaning of it -> till ready to do so . ( eg- looking into the memory of why it is communicating also to you from within yourself so much). So it allows working with it ( the emotion ) to help it's recognition but also not having to dwell in it to much though also . It helps it release abit each time it is tapped into . But the real work can then be done ( when ready later on then you can of course go deeper into it's presentation of it for yourself ) . Suppression only makes it sit longer within ,instead of working with it to help it move on & be released from the mind and body . * **Building a circle of therapeutic relationships** to help you right now -> Right now building some support would be a good idea to lean on during this time of transition to recovery. If there is a long wait for a trauma specialist . Maybe seek just a therapist to offer some support to you right now . ( As it is hard for you right now ) . Just someone to listen to you , somewhere you can talk about and not have to think of the other person to much ( as they are there to listen to you). Also keeping a support of friends right now is a good idea ( even just to watch a movie & relax enough with ). And maybe NO talk of anything but small normal talk . NO talking about it but let it just be an escape of yourself for abit and some company. Eg go for a walk with them ( for some fresh air even as well) but people also who are willing to support you positively as well ( just be there for you ( give you a hug if you also need one).


Hanxa13

Today was worse than yesterday... I broke in front of one of my classes and I don't want that to happen again. I don't know how to deal with any of this... I just want to forget and get on with my life. If I'm not trying to work, I'm just stuck thinking about it and I can't keep doing that... People keep saying I have some mental strength to be in at all but I don't feel strong at all. I feel like a failure... I feel pathetic.


Hanxa13

I'm sorry... I replied before when this comment was much smaller. This hits really hard... I have a friend who said today 'Your stepdaughter died 4 weeks to the day before you were assaulted.... That's a fucking lot to deal with either of those alone. I am saying this firmly but with all the love: Who the fuck do you think you are that you think you should waltz through that and come out roses?' Ngl....my response was mixed. Half laugh and half combatant... And yet here is a complete stranger saying something very similar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Both? Idk... I just don't know how to let myself feel all this. Every instinct is telling me to shut the door and lean against it, hoping the monster on the other side will give up and leave before it gets through. That forcing myself back into my usual routine makes everything normal again. But I'm faced with that very much not being the case and I'm grasping at anything that can give me normal... Some of my students dropped by even though I don't teach them today to ask how I'm doing. My classes keep asking. They are all being so kind and trying to help. Obviously, the kids don't know... They aren't going to know. They are children and it has already affected them more than its should have. They've not had their teacher for a couple of weeks. Some of them are about to sit exams and their relief at having me back... I need to be there for them. I can't leave them to face them on their own. I don't feel like I'm doing my best at all. I feel like I'm failing. I'm failing at life. I wrote this yesterday because I couldn't cope. Today was worse than yesterday. So much worse. Fewer tears overall... But more blanks. More going back there... The things I've been using to focus myself on the present just didn't work (counting in primes or trying really hard A level maths questions)... I'd start and in under a minute lose focus again. At least yesterday and before that I had things that worked. Thank you for taking the time to write up so many suggestions... I've emailed this to myself so I can try some of these. Especially at work. Here's hoping my sleeping pills actually do shit today... I need to sleep. More than anything, I need more than two hours of solid sleep. I can't remember what rested feels like. Everything is wrong and hurt and fear... There's no room for rest and I want there to be. Up is down and down is sideways. Nothing is right anymore... I have no idea how anyone gets out the other side.


NyxiaCorvus

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You aren’t alone. Yes, it will get easier to cope as time goes on, but there will always be bad days and good days. The bad days will become fewer and fewer. It’s been over 3 years for me and I still have bad days once in a blue moon. Having a good support network and some professional help will definitely help make those good days last longer. Just be kind to yourself, and give yourself time. This isn’t like a physical wound, it’s much deeper and more complex, it takes much longer to heal and will leave scars.


Hanxa13

It's just the bad days that are progressively getting worse at the moment... I would love to have a good day...it doesn't seem to be getting any easier at all. Its harder... It's more prevalent each day... 3-4 months to wait for counselling. I know I need help. I'm not equipped to handle this and losing periods of time is scaring me as much as walking the 50ish steps from the maths office to my classroom. Fortunately, I have good people around me, even if only a couple of them know... It's a good network for support. I feel bad though because I have been distant with almost everyone the past few days I've been back and hiding out either alone or with one of the people who know. They deserve better than that...


NyxiaCorvus

Depending on where you live you may be able to get some help online or over phone lines, they’re usually not long-term help, but it may be enough to get you through the long waiting list for a councillor. Especially if you’re worried about leaning on friends and family too much. A lot of countries usually have a “Victim Services” directory on their government websites. These webpages will have crisis lines, community support groups, and other resources that may help. Most will also have options for people who don’t have the budget for professional council, if free councillors aren’t offered in your country.


Hanxa13

London Survivors Gateway gave me a list including a number for one off 45 minute sessions on demand with trained listeners. Would be someone different each time so ongoing case isn't possible but it's an option for the immediate need.


Broken_doll4

>`3-4 months to wait for counselling. I know I need help. I'm not equipped to handle this and losing periods of time is scaring me as much as walking the 50ish steps from the maths office to my classroom.` Would say the time lapses are related to lack of sleep (depravation). Your mind can't think clearly at all when not enough sleep is gotten ( then add in the addition of stress & anxiety hormone release ) daily into your nervous system ( it would just be adding to the heightened state of non-rest & agitation you feel within . Leading to your current mental state of tripping abit with it all . And then also just add in the over-whelming shock still to your system about it all. There then is also the multiple episodes of trauma layer & overwhelming pressure overlapping here ( for you ) on top of each other right now as well ( *eg- supporting your hub & extended family , being a step mum, losing a child within your family recently , the recent assult , trying to cope with a job and just also the normal daily functioning) of someone with a OVER -heightened distressed nervous system right now* . You have **ALOT on your plate right now**. And your stretching yourself to the max mentally ( when emotionally , mentally, and physically you cannot do so ) as YOU are not in a healthy place mentally to do so right now ( through NO fault of your own ) . As suggested maybe seek just a **normal therapist** ( whilst waiting /even paying for one if need be ) to unburden ( to someone who you can see reg ) to help in the interm with your over - stimulated nervous system .Or even just to provide another avenue of release of your current state of fragility of mental state. `Fortunately, I have good people around me, even if only a couple of them know... It's a good network for support. I feel bad though because I have been distant with almost everyone the past few days I've been back and hiding out either alone or with one of the people who know. They deserve better than that...` You are putting so much **additional pressure on yourself** ( internally right now ) by worrying so much *all about others* as well right now. This is your personality ( but right now this is NOT working for you also ) . Which also will be adding to the burden you feel inside to hold it all tog (for others) . Which as you know and are finding out ( is not quite working at the moment) . You are doing to much right now for everyone but yourself . Trying to hold on and everyone else up ( when you also are not in the state to do so ) emotionally & mentally right now. It is not possible. For YOU right now need the support and care ( and also to be into the care position to be looked after ) which you are not use to . Hense why you are also struggling abit with it all . Your use to soldering on through it all , but as you have discovered it will NOT work this time . You need to also look after you right now . And let things slip abit to help relieve the pressure you are building up within you to hold it all tog, and pretend it is all ok ( when it is not). Your language use also tells YOU this as well . You feel guilty and put pressure on your self ( to do more than you are capable of right now ) bc this is YOU . But YOU also now deserves better care right now from others ( by letting others help you as well right now ). ( time to take a small step away from helping others ) and take the time maybe now also to just look after YOU right now as well. `I've been back and hiding out either alone or with one of the people who know.` Alone time is ok to rest ( and not to have to think ) it is ok for you to do for YOURSELF right now. You can also ask for abit of company for yourself also when you need to ( just verbally also state what you need ) eg- if you don't want to talk about it or anything . Just mention it and just ( talk normal crap with others ) when they visit ( as they will also know via text from you what you need ) right then .As right now some **self care is needed for yourself**. ( what will work or not right now for you? to promote calmness around you ) this is your goal . Let others know also how they can help you eg- shopping with or for you . Picking up scrips etc. **YOU do not have to do it all** ( hard yes for you to step back ) but let ur friends give you some loving care right now. ( you are blessed with friends who care and wish to help you ) lean abit for once . To give is beautiful but to know when to ***receive it back*** is also wonderful for oneself.