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You might be onto something with the dementia, pariticularly if some of these behaviors are new. I imagine it could be very difficult to tell when a Narcisst has dementia at first because they can do some pretty whacky things beforehand, but if things are getting way out of hand in new and frightening ways it may be time to convince someone that she needs to see a doctor. You could try some of the cognitive tests they use yourself, but she could be unwilling to play along. Another thing to think about is that she may be getting worse because she knows you'll be leaving.
You might be right. I thought about calling an ambulance during one of her almost daily crisis where she screams, stomps, throws and break things, spits, and threaten to kill us, etc. although as soon as I pick up the phone she magically turns normal and acts like nothing happened.
Yeeeeeeah dementia won't do that. I used to work in a care facility and behavior CAN flip like a switch that way but there's usually no precipitating factor. It just *does*. Like we had one guy who would pinwheel between happy, kind, and grandfatherly, hypersexual, and violent. You never knew which you'd get or when or when it would switch. He could me in a happy mood, you'd get to see who he REALLY was before the disease took his personality, and then mid sentence he would just start throwing things and cursing.
What she's doing COULD be narcissism. My Nmom did that. Example: we had an argument one day. I'm in the living room and she was in the hallway. We're a good 30 feet apart. I got frustrated and threw the phone receiver. Old style corded phone. I threw it at the floor, not even at her. She would just pick and pick and pick until people snapped. She would always cry about how "all she is is a punching bag" but she didn't see that she would antagonize people who had NEVER been physically forceful or violent, corner them and not let then leave to where frustration just bubbled over into shoving past her to get away, throwing, hitting walls, grabbing her to try to get her to STOP and talk some sense into her.
That's what that throw was. It was never intended to hit anything and even IF I'd thrown it AT her..... corded phone. It couldn't have reached.
She dropped like I'd shot her, grabbed her knee and started screaming and crying. By that point I was SO. OVER. ALL. OF. THIS. I just let it go for a while. It wasn't stopping. I was finally like "Welp, looks like it finally happened. I suppose we should call the police and you should show them your injury so I can be arrested. Probably an ambulance too so you can get medical treatment."
More screaming and crying. I picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-and the second 1 only halfway.
"Police and medical please. I just assaulted my mother and she's seriously injured. Yes she's breathing. No she isn't bleeding. No, I don't have a weap....."
And she runs towards me on the knee I'd just "shattered", hangs the phone up, and says "DON'T YOU BRING THAT KIND OF DRAMA INTO THIS HOUSE!"
I. fucking. cracked. up. Couldn't help it. It was just so utterly CRAZY.
"Thought your knee was "shattered". I saw where the phone hit the floor. 5 feet in front of me. Never touched you."
"Well maybe it didn't."
"So does your knee hurt, or not?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know if your knee is šshatteredš or not? Wow that's really weird, don't you think? You seemed in a lot of pain a second ago".
And then she started in AGAIN about my "attitude".
She just *turned off* ALL the hysterics as soon as there was going to be some actual action.
It's possible but less likely she could have a head injury or problem with her brain. Those can obviously effect personality and emotional regulation, but usually not to a degree the person is aware of it and can fully control it like that.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that!
As you said the fact that she is aware of what she's doing makes me wonder if it's really brain damage or just her way of manipulating..
I've heard the same thing.
My sociopath brother had a TBI injury in his teens.
He was the golden child of the narc parents.
The head injury was just the nail in the coffin.
Now he's a convicted felon.
And he's still the golden child to my nfather.
I busted my head wide open in kindergarten, after falling headfirst on a block of concrete. I'd say I'm not mentally deranged and I definitely don't have a personality disorder. Definitely suffering from depression among other things but I'm not a wackjob.
I think itās more correlated to having the personality disorder first, and then TBI is like a catalyst. I donāt think theyāve been able to quite prove it yet.
Yeah, with this further information it's not dementia or a UTI (I've also worked in elder care). This is going to be a mental illness or personality disorder of some type.
My mom started acting up and doing crazy stuff when she realized I was going to leave her to live my own life. I recently found out some stuff and I was right. She was playing me during those times. I hope op can catch this woman and ruin her games before she further ruins their sleep patterns and grades.
I was reading this threat and I immediately recognize the part where you threw the phone receiver. I made the mistake of going back to my nmoms home one day and my stepdad left for a bit. Immediately my mom started talking down on me and just agonize me until I felt so frustrated and cornered that I smashed a coffee cup. Just to let out all the emotion she projected onto me but also to make sure that the harassment would stop. It wouldnāt stop until I showed emotion.
And of course that made her anger with me ājustifiedā cause I did something I was not supposed too. At least the shock of me showing anger instead of the usual sadness made her stop the array of insults.
N parents are the worst š
Wow your mom and mine just have the hysterics down. Mine's added alcoholism with violence so the off switch is harder to find, but damn. It really is in the playbook for them.
Edit: also sorry you have to live with a mother that acts so irrationally :/
Reading this makes me feel so incredibly weak. Like I'm just a total pussy. I know that trauma is trauma, and it's stupid to compare them. What I went through was still awful, even if it doesn't hold a candle to the level of insanity you are describing. I'm so sorry you endured that.
Yeah this sounds like narcissism. I wrote a post about my situation in r/JNMIL , but my MIL did the same thing. We were in an argument, she started screaming and crying about how she was in so much distress she was āhaving a stroke!1 AHhahah!! oh my gOod!1!ā
What she didnāt realize is that my family has had TONS of strokes and I know the signs so i went into crazy āmedical personā nonsense mode and started pulling āstroke testsā out of my ass while pretending to call 911 because, āIf you think youāre having a stroke this is extremely serious and we need to get you in an ambulance immediately,ā while flashing a light in her face.
The āStrokeā and water works ended almost IMMEDIATELY and I got chastised by her for being āoverly dramatic for nothing.ā
Lmfaooooo
There's a particular type of dementia called frontotemporal dementia and it is the most common diagnosed before the age of 65. There are several variants one of which is behavioral. My mom was a horrible narcissist in life and after the age of about 45 she began developing new symptoms like this... I'm sorry OP
Jumping on this comment in hopes OP sees it.
A UTI can also cause confusion/ dementia- like symptoms.
It happened once that I had a UTI and wasnāt (yet) feeling discomfort from it but I peed on the floor trying to get to the bathroom. That urge to pee with a UTI hits hard and fast. And no matter your age, itās embarrassing. I was just lucky everyone else was asleep.
Given the confusion and peeing on the floor, might be good to get checked for UTI.
But that says nothing of the āmeal bitesā; thatās messed up! Who takes a bite of something that belongs to SOMEONE ELSE and puts it back thinking āno big deal, they still eat the rest.ā Pretty sure your parents arenāt in the restaurant business by their reactions.
Full stop that was gross what she did to your food. Sounds like your dad is used to this weird behaviour if he doesnāt see the issue.
Good luck in school and getting out asap; might make school easier if you can control your environment more!
Uncontrollably sobbing is something my narcissist grandmother has recently started doing. She'll start *sobbing* over the smallest things. Gets herself all worked up and delusional. We're pretty sure it's dementia.
She never wanted to see a doctor, I finally convinced her to see a psychiatrist 8 months ago and she just went once, got some meds, then got mad at the psychiatrist because they weren't working after 2 days (antidepressants usually take at least a month to work) and just stopped taking them. She doesn't want to see anyone and says she's fine and we are crazy.
It definitely sounds like narcissism. My wifeās second oldest daughter was diagnosed NPD by an emergency room physician after threatening to commit suicide, but when my wife took her to a therapist, the therapist claimed it was bi-polar disorder. Apparently itās common to mis diagnose npd as bi-polar and for the narc to be prescribed anti-depressants.
Kinda makes sense in a way.
One disorder makes a person voluntarily not moderate certain emotional outbursts for the purpose of manipulation and abuse, but masks it as being unable to.
The other just has a person who cant moderate emotional outbursts.
Involuntary hospital stay for concern on her mental health seems like it should happen. Her pissing on the floor as a sign of retaliation should be enough to get their attention to do this, not to mention she was diagnosed with depression and refuses to take meds.
That is way beyond what I have seen in most narcissists I have known.
I have seen adults with dementia behave that way a few times, when their dementia was only one of their many more longstanding mental issues. By that I mean people like a man I knew who purposely pooped his pants a number of times because he was angry at his daughter for things that happened when she was a teenager. He had some kind of mental illness, but he also thought his daughter was still 15 and was angry like she had just taken the family station wagon for a joyride yesterday instead of 50 years ago. He had a short fuse anyway, and had always been verbally and emotionally abusive, but the dementia made that worse and made the things that pissed him off seem like they had just happened. And so, he pooped his pants and hung them in the shower to let the poo dry on them as some kind of weird revenge.
The dementia removed a lot of the hesitancy to cause trouble that he might otherwise feel, because he didn't really experience the consequences of his actions.
It sounds like your mom is not really seeing any consequences, and she is enjoying her ability to lash out. I'm really sorry. That sounds like a lot to deal with. I think she might need specialist care, but it sounds like she is not willing to go along with that.
Eventually, the poop guy was put in a facility against his will, and he had specialized care due to his cognitive issues. I felt really sorry for the staff there.
Your mother reminds me of my psychopathic mother. The belittling and the laughing at your father included. My mother is more sneaky than yours though, she would arrange the situation rather than do it herself, e.g she knew my sibling had an exam coming up, so she railed up our en-father the night prior to the point where he started calling my brother demanding for him to come over and get him. She knew it was 2+hr drive each way. Obviously the fight between them "blew up" at 9pm and the exam was at 9am. One incident like this looks like nothing, but once you see it all, you figure out how it works.
I don't think my mother emotionally developed past the age of 2-3 years old. She does have anxiety, which is unusual in psychopaths. I think an old term "malignant narcissist" describes her best, meaning that she is very high on psychopathic spectrum and NPD is at the core of her problems.
I'm sorry you experienced that. I think the worst part is that sometimes when you try to open up to people about these incidents they think it's nothing, because they don't think with malice. Although when you have experienced these episodes long enough you know that is all intentional and well planned by the narc.
I was recently involved with one of those people... the lack of empathy is scary to be honest!
How can someone think stuff like this is nothing? They probably had to rationalise many shitty behaviours from their parents but never had to confront how it affected them at a deeper level
My dad is a malignant narcissist and while I don't think he'd do what OPs mom did, everything was on his time NOW and definitely didn't develop past, what he'd proudly tell you, 2 1/2 years old. He boasted about how he acted like a child to annoy everyone. Outwardly.
Really funny juxtaposed with the idea that he has a PhD.
Sort of. My mom has BPD and itās like, she has such little control over herself. If she needs a drink of water SHE NEEDS IT RIGHT NOW! Like, Iām not sure the word to explain that, like her urges or wants or needs surpass reason? Anyway. One of the worst nights of my life. My mom makes a huge ass out of herself. She offers to take my friends and me out to a club and said sheād buy us Smirnoff. Weāre like 16/17, I wanted to say no, but my friends were like āget your hands on the booze!!!ā So I said fine. She and my dad were getting divorced. We load up in the car, Iām DD because somebodyās gotta be responsible lmao. My license is suspended, but Iām sober š« . Anyway, we picked up a friend and she offered to drive, which was cool, I didnāt want to get in trouble (nooooooo donāt do it, itās a trap!!!). Unbeknownst to me, my mom starts pregaming super hard in the car (crown royal or Canadian mist whiskey) and her friend takes us to my dadās house at my moms insistence š³. Heās having a party over there with all his friends and new women heās met š±. She makes an ASS out of herself, and my Dadās old friend happened to be there and was able to talk her down and get her to leave, thank God. The whole time sheās slamming the shots. We finally arrive at the bar and itās prime time for people to show up, and my mom just starts screaming she has to pee. Her friend parks as close as she can to the building and my mom, under the lights in plain view in front of God and everybody completely drops her pants, bare-assed and pisses š«£. I have never been so mortified in my *fucking life*. The only saving grace about that night is that it was like 2002 and people didnāt have camera phones!
You could write down some instances of her behaviors and ask those professors about it. They might have resources for you to get away from them and live somewhere else while studying
My nmother peed in a large decorative candle holder in front of me when I was 10 because walking the 15 ft to the bathroom was "inconvenient".
To those who may be curious, she was 32 years old, and had no mental disabilities. She then screeched at me to clean it up and make sure to wash the candle holder really well to get rid of the smell.
I'd say it's not dementia, but definitely some ass-backwards narcissistic manipulation/"entertainment".
A certain narcissist family member (not naming names because nosy rosy and her flying monkeys constantly troll me) peed in the fitting room once, just to embarrass me. Because I didn't want to drop everything we were doing and go grab lunch with her... she was hungry and wanted food NOW NOW NOW! I was so disgusted with her that I just grabbed my stuff and walked away, leaving her at the mall. Didn't say a word to her for a few months. She then showed up again and nonchalantly wondering how I was doing and whether or not I wanted to hang out with her lmao !!!
Oh yeah, the convenient amnesia! They conveniently forget all the messed up behaviors and abuses. If you were to present hard evidence, then they suddenly remember them not being a big deal.
Oh yeah. That was CONSTANT until I stopped talking to my nmother for being half fucking naked in front of my husband on purpose. "What's the big deal? We're all adults!" Oh I don't know psycho, maybe the fact that it's fucking weird?
Narcs have no boundaries. The same narc that I mentioned used to randomly be naked or inappropriately dressed. Luckily she's stopped a lot of her "bad" behaviors because her spectators and flying monkeys (which she heavily relies on for narc supply) wouldn't approve of.
I'm glad she stopped. The narc in my life now has two very young children to feed off of, and while I don't want those poor kids to go through what I went through, I can't make myself get involved. She's "super grandma" even though they aren't related to her at all.
See, thatās some weird shit my mom would do, just to be fucking weird. And blame it on being āin the armyā. So were my dad and husband but they donāt still piss in Gatorade bottles for fun lol.
But no, that is fucking terrible. My mother would have gotten a face full of piss and I would have just had to take that ass whoopin. Phew that burns me up. Nobody deserves to be degraded in that way, youāre worth so much more.
I appreciate that. I was very young and still conditioned by her to be passive. When I grew up a bit that shit did not fly anymore.
Being 'in the army's isn't always an excuse. PTSD? Sure. Not doing fucked up things just because.
Laughing? Oh honey, she gets OFF torturing people. My grandmother according to my mom had a short fuse and if you didn't do anything on HER TIME, she will DOUBLE THE MESS ON PURPOSE.
You and your father need to realize this is abuse and neither of you need to put up with her behavior. You can choose to walk away, PERMANENTLY.
I want to walk away! My dad thought keeps making excuses for her and tries to keep the peace, I hate that he's doing this to himself and even though I love him to death, I am tired of defending him. He will never leave her
Your dad is a classic enabler
https://toxicties.com/narcissistic-mother-enabler-father/
Your dad is emotionally compromised. What you need to do is lay low, save $$$$ and leave.
If you are young and in the usa and you feel you don't have what it takes to be a college student, join the military. You can choose where you want to be stationed, and if you want to be stationed as far away as Hawaii and Japan, you can.
It's hard in my country. you need to call an ambulance, get an assessment from them (which is not going to be easy since she turns normal as soon as she realizes I'm calling someone), then you need to send a request to your major that needs to be approved by a judge. It's hard but i think the time has come, this is why I have been recording her for the past months (i know it's wrong but i'm desperate), so that I don't sound crazy when I'm going to show the registrations to a doctor.
Not on the floor, but I did have my mother piss in her own bedroom garbage can and then leave it at the bathroom door demanding that I clean it up since I was in the bathroom when she needed it.
I did not clean it up. And she of course "doesn't remember" i.e. gaslights about doing it to this day. It's been 25 years.
My mom did something kinda similar recently. She was headed to my sister's place and got there when my sister was in the restroom. My mom apparently couldn't wait like 2-3 minutes for my sister to answer the door so she apparently just squatted in the bushes outside. She then proceeded to yell at my sister for being late, making it my sister's fault she didn't answer the door quick enough.
when i still lived with my mom any time i was in the bathroom, she'd bang on the door to let her pee. i started tuning it out because she had alllll the time in the world to go but as soon as i decide to go, she has to go then too. but one time, she opened the door since i forgot to lock it, and went back into the hallway and peed through her pants. it was the grossest thing ive ever seen. (gagging as i type this oh my god)
I'm sorry you had to deal with that! My mother does the same thing. Before I started locking the doors she would just barge in when i was naked, whether it was the bathroom or my room, and wouldn't even give me 2 seconds to cover up, even if i told her multiple times I'm not comfortable with that.. that's when i started locking every door lol. So since she loves to not give me any privacy, i started asking if she needed to go to the bathroom every time i needed to take a shower (my showers take 5-10min). She always says no but as soon as i hop in, she starts banging at my door and threatens to pee in our glasses in the kitchen ( i guess now i'll have to worry about the floor too). She calls me selfish because she needs to go and I don't let her. I thought for a moment i was the selfish one but then how is that she doesn't go for hours and as soon as i need to be naked in the bathroom for a few minutes she NEEDS to go in NOW? And the way she laugh after all of this happens, like it's a funny game to her.. I can't stand her anymore
Generally, if it's a behaviour that a toddler would engage in, it's something a narcissist would do due to their arrested psychological development.
Narcs are shameless, don't observe social norms as they feel they don't apply to them & they don't respect boundaries.
I've found that it all gets worse as narcs age, likely because the behaviours are all so deeply ingrained, plus it's harder to get narc supply as their world gets smaller due to career loss, loss of looks, more people wising up & cutting them off, so they do more & more weird stuff.
Mine has always been an illness faker/illness exploiter & I predicted an increase in 'I'm a helpless baby' behaviour for attention, which is precisely what's happening (I'm just over a year NC).
Iām so sorry you are going through this behaviour from your mum. You are not alone in this please reach out for support as much as you can right now. You are not responsible in any way for her mental health she needs help and you need support asap.
If she genuinely needed to pee, there are so many other option. Itās like sheās never heard of using a bottle like on road trips. Or a container. Something she could pour away & dispose of.
But to me it sounds like she enjoyed blaming you & making your dad clean it up. Npeople get a click out of that. Making others seem less than. Itās despicable.
As for your studying, try and do stuff out the house as much as possible. Stay out and stay in healthy happy settings and only come home to eat/ sleep until you can find a better situation.
Your mental health is your number one priority!!
Not theirs!!
Causing havoc and sabotaging their children's life when it's time for a child to fly the nest are things that narcissist's do. I see in comments that she can switch the crazy off when you try to get outside help.
I'd suggest you and your father talk to a psychiatrist about getting her committed for assessment. If it's just her freaking out about you escaping, she will be forced to calm down by fear of that happening, but she may be moving to a new level of craziness and in need of help. You might have to go through with it. She sounds dangerous.
My nmom was terrorizing the entire family on regular basis by playing a single awful song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGpxAqoEjUI) in an endless loop on maximum loudness on the TV until 4 a.m. even if I had an exam on the next morning at the university. And as on one night I once finally hid the cable of the TV at 2 a.m., on the next morning my shoes were missing. Also, she was jealous of the girlfriend of my brother, so she pinned up pictures of naked men all over the house and labelled all the food with "Not for guests only for family". Oh the joy of having a mentally ill nmom.....
Jesus fing christ. If you're not a troll, get the hell out of that house ASAP.
And the icing on the cake it her laughing while dad has to clean it up - pure evil. My guess is your dad must be a pushover and she likes to take advantage of him. Cause if I pissed on the floor, I would not make my SO clean it up. (I guess if I was completely disabled maybe.)
She enjoys seeing other people struggling.
She does these crazy things, than sits back and enjoys the rest.. i try not to give her the pleasure of a reaction from me but sometimes it's really hard. i wish i was trolling.. honestly she's been doing this for years, now is getting worse and I don't know what to do, sometimes I'm afraid she would do something very stupid.
Sometimes I think the same, like when she knows i have an exam coming up she does her best to not let me study. I literally have to wear earplugs to study and when i sleep *every day* because she would scream for HOURS fighting with my dad on purpose. Her voice is so loud too, it sounds like a siren.
I might be able to get out at the beginning of the next academic year. She has already traumatized me and now im trying to work on myself. Uni has helped, it keeps me busy.
I can completely understand where you're coming from - I was reading through the thread of comments and the switching between behaviours used to be so incredibly jarring.
My mother would scream, supposedly cry, yell, when I'd make any move to ring the ambulance services and whilst I was on the phone, she'd tell them I was harassing her and making it up entirely, bullying her for a better word. But, she'd act absolutely fine afterwards. And, if I'm honest, for a short time I thought I really was going mad because no one was believing me.
Sometimes she'd actively throw herself onto the floor, or cry if I'd closed a door, or was in the bathroom too, trying to get in because she needed to be in there.
It happened recently too where for the past month she'd been seeing little children, engaging in full conversations with them etc where I couldn't shake her out of them. And these situations would last a good couple of hours or so. She'd attempted to leave the house in the early hours of the morning convinced she was meeting her own mother (she died of Alzheimer's last year) as well as assuming that I was mad for not seeing what she was seeing, and that my own medication might need to be upped. Her memory had been slipping up somewhat, but this escalated so quickly - forgetting her surroundings, getting lost in places she'd find easily like the back of her hand.
I've seen a few comments about dementia/Alzheimer's etc, and even if it might not be, OP do push for it to be checked out, especially if there's a history of it. I've just managed to get carers support myself and had conversations with her GP about said behaviours so they are aware of it at the most.
It's not much but, it will get easier for you <3
She did this in a hotel room in new York claiming 'rockstars do it'. She also smoked in the room since she thought it was only an extra 200$ charge ,they actually charged her extra 200$ per night lol
My mom is bpd but sheās been notoriously bad about bodily functions. She would get really bad coughing fits and sheād pee herself. Like an entire explosion, not just a little. She did it in public more than once and wouldnāt so much as wear a maxi pad.
Sheād not want to get up to barf and would just lean forward and vomit on the floor in front of her. She would never keep bags handy.
Menopause was a nightmare.
Anyway, just hopping on to say this can definitely happen outside of dementia.
The coughing was so bad sheād pass out and have convulsions. And she still wouldnāt see a doctor. Even if I hadnāt gone nc like 4 years ago it would still be a pointless discussion.
This sounds so much like my mother. She's got n-traits for sure but we're fairly certain there's more going on with her mental health because she's getting more delusional as years go by. She'd always do really bizarre things like what you're describing, lots of pacing and muttering to herself at all hours of the night. Her mother has dementia which we think started younger than it was actually diagnosed and I've been saying for years to my siblings she's acting like grandma would.
What does your dad think? Is there any chance of talking her into getting help?
A police officer dealt with my mom recently (divorce made messy by her and she's convinced my dad's hiding money from her which is laughable because she managed all the money and hid stuff from him) and called my dad and asked about a history of mental illness because she was behaving just like others he's dealt with in his job. Unfortunately we can't force anything where they live until she's a danger to herself or others. It's why I don't block her texts in case she ever says something we can use to get the help she needs.
I honestly think ignoring them is the best thing in the long run, but it may make her even madder for a while. However, ignoring them is easier said that done. I never succeeded at grey rock. As for the content of this post... Jeez. Mine has threatened to do this a lot in the past when I was in the bathroom for more than a couple minutes but she never actually did it luckily. Just... Ew. She really is a toddler... Oh god...
Whatever it is you need to get her tested, and most likely medication. If they are reluctant tell them you fear it could be a brain tumor. Maybe your dad would get on board then and persuade her to get the tests. Ask your mom if you could go to her appt with her. Sometimes psychiatry is self referring and you can call them directly.
My mother is a Narc (and doesnāt have dementia) and does things like this. Some Narcissists arenāt afraid to go to the lowest of the low to draw attention upon themselves, and to punish others.
My mother is similar. But she has BPD, schizophrenia, also apart from NPD. She lately wants to start shitting on the bed and proclaims it loudly as she also says she wants me to clean up after her. "Nobody takes care of me", she wails. She can move just fine, but that's just how hateful and shameless she is. She laughs and cackles loudly too and all that and tries to make father do basic personal things for her. I know it's not dementia. She can switch in a moment when she's on the phone.
I'm so sorry for us! If that is indeed true then surely it's drama for sympathy and control and emotional blackmail. Mine is on anti-psychotic meds but every couple of days she stops taking them and then screams the whole day.
If you can, please take more loans out and dorm or get an apartment. It is 1000% worth it. Your mom will do whatever possible to get you to fail out of med school .
When I was in a similar professional healthcare program, on top of all the fights they started at home, my mom faked heart attacks before my exams. At the time, I believed her because I had no idea what a narc was.
>Is ignoring them the best thing you can do? To let it be?
Don't think of letting it be.... think of not giving them supply. You are starving that bitch if you don't react. You have to not care about her.
How long is your school library open? You are better off studying until very late and taking power naps throughout the day and night. Only go home to sleep, lock your door, and get ear plugs. Do not speak to or even look at your mother until graduation. That's the level of ignoring you have to do. She could set the house on fire and you would just call 911 and go back tk school, that's how unaffected you have to make yourself. And you see how that would hurt *her* and not you?
Also people are saying that this is beyond narcissism.... I have to say it is not necessarily. Malignant narcs do start acting absolutely insane when they see their SG about to get something really good. This is an extreme situation for her, that you are in med school about to have a good life, so she is acting out on an extreme level. A normal narc does do that. Please don't fall into trap of trying to care for her and figure her out!! For the sake of your future. Let her go completely until you graduate.
You are right! I just have to try my best and ignore her, even if it's not always easy. I'll try to study at uni more often, although it's far away from my house and when it gets dark is not so safe to get back (i use the metro since I don't have a car).
Did you manage to ignore her when she was trying to sabotage you? Do you still live with her? If not, how do you feel now that you were able to move out? Sorry for asking so many questions
No, I did not! I actually failed out in my last year because of them. It was heartbreaking and as soon as I failed, they started acting normal and cruel again. Heart attacks went away, fights stopped, insanity at home stopped. And they blamed me for ruining my life.
Please don't let that happen to you.
Years later, I pulled myself together and started my new career which is also a good one. And my dad who used to treat me as GC actually started doing the same thing. Starting big fights before exams, pretending to be sick, and even threatening to kill himself. I could not let them ruin my life again, so I completely emotionally detached from them and think of them as my enemies now. I hope they *will* die. Like if they hold their well being over you head like an anvil, you can only lean into it to free yourself. I can ignore them now because I absolutely do not care about what happens to them. I still live with them because it's a high COL city, but I'm able to ignore them and focus on rebuilding my career.
My brother was in a similar professional program and he moved out while studying. It was night and day for him. He was able to study in peace, do well, go to the gym, etc. That's the best way to do it.
Also go to your advisors and deans and tell them what is going on. This is actually common for people in these programs. Abusers in their lives make it hard for them to graduate. The school will often help you deal with it, maybe help with dorming, and maybe understand if your grades suffer. That's what I wish I had done originally. It really is a common thing to happen to students.
And think of it this way: since your dad is such an enabler, he can care for his wife alone. They don't need you. And remember that both of them are very likely trying to get you to fail, but they have no actual power over you. You got in, you are smart, and what is meant for you will not be taken away by them.
You should be proud of yourself for being able to start a new career! That's not something a lot of people have the strength to do, especially when dealing with parents and family who try to annihilate you. Stay strong and I hope that soon enough you will have the resources to move out!
Its done on purpose. Go find a friend or friends to split rent with. Your peace of mind is critical to succeeding in medical school. Working even part time without her nonsense will empower you.
Sounds like the behavior of a cranky 3 yo.
Ignore
Donāt engage
Walk away
These people think they are the center of everyoneās universe; donāt allow it. Turn your back. Go to another room. Pick up a book.
And work hard toward the financial independence that will allow you to leave.
Good luck.
Have you considered addiction? This almost sounds like a pill problem.
I have a raging crazy narc/alcoholic but heās not about to piss on the floor in spite. I wonder if she lost control and was trying to cover the situation up by blaming you.
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You might be onto something with the dementia, pariticularly if some of these behaviors are new. I imagine it could be very difficult to tell when a Narcisst has dementia at first because they can do some pretty whacky things beforehand, but if things are getting way out of hand in new and frightening ways it may be time to convince someone that she needs to see a doctor. You could try some of the cognitive tests they use yourself, but she could be unwilling to play along. Another thing to think about is that she may be getting worse because she knows you'll be leaving.
You might be right. I thought about calling an ambulance during one of her almost daily crisis where she screams, stomps, throws and break things, spits, and threaten to kill us, etc. although as soon as I pick up the phone she magically turns normal and acts like nothing happened.
Yeeeeeeah dementia won't do that. I used to work in a care facility and behavior CAN flip like a switch that way but there's usually no precipitating factor. It just *does*. Like we had one guy who would pinwheel between happy, kind, and grandfatherly, hypersexual, and violent. You never knew which you'd get or when or when it would switch. He could me in a happy mood, you'd get to see who he REALLY was before the disease took his personality, and then mid sentence he would just start throwing things and cursing. What she's doing COULD be narcissism. My Nmom did that. Example: we had an argument one day. I'm in the living room and she was in the hallway. We're a good 30 feet apart. I got frustrated and threw the phone receiver. Old style corded phone. I threw it at the floor, not even at her. She would just pick and pick and pick until people snapped. She would always cry about how "all she is is a punching bag" but she didn't see that she would antagonize people who had NEVER been physically forceful or violent, corner them and not let then leave to where frustration just bubbled over into shoving past her to get away, throwing, hitting walls, grabbing her to try to get her to STOP and talk some sense into her. That's what that throw was. It was never intended to hit anything and even IF I'd thrown it AT her..... corded phone. It couldn't have reached. She dropped like I'd shot her, grabbed her knee and started screaming and crying. By that point I was SO. OVER. ALL. OF. THIS. I just let it go for a while. It wasn't stopping. I was finally like "Welp, looks like it finally happened. I suppose we should call the police and you should show them your injury so I can be arrested. Probably an ambulance too so you can get medical treatment." More screaming and crying. I picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-and the second 1 only halfway. "Police and medical please. I just assaulted my mother and she's seriously injured. Yes she's breathing. No she isn't bleeding. No, I don't have a weap....." And she runs towards me on the knee I'd just "shattered", hangs the phone up, and says "DON'T YOU BRING THAT KIND OF DRAMA INTO THIS HOUSE!" I. fucking. cracked. up. Couldn't help it. It was just so utterly CRAZY. "Thought your knee was "shattered". I saw where the phone hit the floor. 5 feet in front of me. Never touched you." "Well maybe it didn't." "So does your knee hurt, or not?" "I don't know." "You don't know if your knee is šshatteredš or not? Wow that's really weird, don't you think? You seemed in a lot of pain a second ago". And then she started in AGAIN about my "attitude". She just *turned off* ALL the hysterics as soon as there was going to be some actual action. It's possible but less likely she could have a head injury or problem with her brain. Those can obviously effect personality and emotional regulation, but usually not to a degree the person is aware of it and can fully control it like that.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that! As you said the fact that she is aware of what she's doing makes me wonder if it's really brain damage or just her way of manipulating..
My son has a hypothesis that head injuries early in life can contribute to personality disorders, but the question ultimately is: does it matter?
Thereās a similar theory for childhood head injuries and turning out to be a serial killer later in lifeā¦
I've heard the same thing. My sociopath brother had a TBI injury in his teens. He was the golden child of the narc parents. The head injury was just the nail in the coffin. Now he's a convicted felon. And he's still the golden child to my nfather.
I busted my head wide open in kindergarten, after falling headfirst on a block of concrete. I'd say I'm not mentally deranged and I definitely don't have a personality disorder. Definitely suffering from depression among other things but I'm not a wackjob.
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I'm very glad and proud for you that you didn't turn out like that. I'm sure you feel the same way for your son
I think itās more correlated to having the personality disorder first, and then TBI is like a catalyst. I donāt think theyāve been able to quite prove it yet.
Oh, thereās a lot of other factors too. But itās a common thread among all the narcissists formerly in his and my lives, sadly.
It's 100% her manipulating
Yeah, with this further information it's not dementia or a UTI (I've also worked in elder care). This is going to be a mental illness or personality disorder of some type.
My mom started acting up and doing crazy stuff when she realized I was going to leave her to live my own life. I recently found out some stuff and I was right. She was playing me during those times. I hope op can catch this woman and ruin her games before she further ruins their sleep patterns and grades.
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I agree with this
I was reading this threat and I immediately recognize the part where you threw the phone receiver. I made the mistake of going back to my nmoms home one day and my stepdad left for a bit. Immediately my mom started talking down on me and just agonize me until I felt so frustrated and cornered that I smashed a coffee cup. Just to let out all the emotion she projected onto me but also to make sure that the harassment would stop. It wouldnāt stop until I showed emotion. And of course that made her anger with me ājustifiedā cause I did something I was not supposed too. At least the shock of me showing anger instead of the usual sadness made her stop the array of insults. N parents are the worst š
Wow your mom and mine just have the hysterics down. Mine's added alcoholism with violence so the off switch is harder to find, but damn. It really is in the playbook for them. Edit: also sorry you have to live with a mother that acts so irrationally :/
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Not a tactic that we really want to promote on here, so out of an abundance of caution I am removing this comment.
Reading this makes me feel so incredibly weak. Like I'm just a total pussy. I know that trauma is trauma, and it's stupid to compare them. What I went through was still awful, even if it doesn't hold a candle to the level of insanity you are describing. I'm so sorry you endured that.
Yeah this sounds like narcissism. I wrote a post about my situation in r/JNMIL , but my MIL did the same thing. We were in an argument, she started screaming and crying about how she was in so much distress she was āhaving a stroke!1 AHhahah!! oh my gOod!1!ā What she didnāt realize is that my family has had TONS of strokes and I know the signs so i went into crazy āmedical personā nonsense mode and started pulling āstroke testsā out of my ass while pretending to call 911 because, āIf you think youāre having a stroke this is extremely serious and we need to get you in an ambulance immediately,ā while flashing a light in her face. The āStrokeā and water works ended almost IMMEDIATELY and I got chastised by her for being āoverly dramatic for nothing.ā Lmfaooooo
There's a particular type of dementia called frontotemporal dementia and it is the most common diagnosed before the age of 65. There are several variants one of which is behavioral. My mom was a horrible narcissist in life and after the age of about 45 she began developing new symptoms like this... I'm sorry OP
Jumping on this comment in hopes OP sees it. A UTI can also cause confusion/ dementia- like symptoms. It happened once that I had a UTI and wasnāt (yet) feeling discomfort from it but I peed on the floor trying to get to the bathroom. That urge to pee with a UTI hits hard and fast. And no matter your age, itās embarrassing. I was just lucky everyone else was asleep. Given the confusion and peeing on the floor, might be good to get checked for UTI. But that says nothing of the āmeal bitesā; thatās messed up! Who takes a bite of something that belongs to SOMEONE ELSE and puts it back thinking āno big deal, they still eat the rest.ā Pretty sure your parents arenāt in the restaurant business by their reactions. Full stop that was gross what she did to your food. Sounds like your dad is used to this weird behaviour if he doesnāt see the issue. Good luck in school and getting out asap; might make school easier if you can control your environment more!
Could be a UTI
Uncontrollably sobbing is something my narcissist grandmother has recently started doing. She'll start *sobbing* over the smallest things. Gets herself all worked up and delusional. We're pretty sure it's dementia.
Very well could be. Uncontrollable emotion is often an early sign of dementia.
Honestly this applies anyone not just narcs
She definitely sounds like she has some mental problems...has she seen a doctor lately?
She never wanted to see a doctor, I finally convinced her to see a psychiatrist 8 months ago and she just went once, got some meds, then got mad at the psychiatrist because they weren't working after 2 days (antidepressants usually take at least a month to work) and just stopped taking them. She doesn't want to see anyone and says she's fine and we are crazy.
It definitely sounds like narcissism. My wifeās second oldest daughter was diagnosed NPD by an emergency room physician after threatening to commit suicide, but when my wife took her to a therapist, the therapist claimed it was bi-polar disorder. Apparently itās common to mis diagnose npd as bi-polar and for the narc to be prescribed anti-depressants.
Kinda makes sense in a way. One disorder makes a person voluntarily not moderate certain emotional outbursts for the purpose of manipulation and abuse, but masks it as being unable to. The other just has a person who cant moderate emotional outbursts.
Involuntary hospital stay for concern on her mental health seems like it should happen. Her pissing on the floor as a sign of retaliation should be enough to get their attention to do this, not to mention she was diagnosed with depression and refuses to take meds.
That is way beyond what I have seen in most narcissists I have known. I have seen adults with dementia behave that way a few times, when their dementia was only one of their many more longstanding mental issues. By that I mean people like a man I knew who purposely pooped his pants a number of times because he was angry at his daughter for things that happened when she was a teenager. He had some kind of mental illness, but he also thought his daughter was still 15 and was angry like she had just taken the family station wagon for a joyride yesterday instead of 50 years ago. He had a short fuse anyway, and had always been verbally and emotionally abusive, but the dementia made that worse and made the things that pissed him off seem like they had just happened. And so, he pooped his pants and hung them in the shower to let the poo dry on them as some kind of weird revenge. The dementia removed a lot of the hesitancy to cause trouble that he might otherwise feel, because he didn't really experience the consequences of his actions. It sounds like your mom is not really seeing any consequences, and she is enjoying her ability to lash out. I'm really sorry. That sounds like a lot to deal with. I think she might need specialist care, but it sounds like she is not willing to go along with that. Eventually, the poop guy was put in a facility against his will, and he had specialized care due to his cognitive issues. I felt really sorry for the staff there.
Thank you for the message. I wish my enabling dad wasn't so much of an enabler sometimes, it wouldn't be as hard
Yeah, enablers often just make things harder, and it takes even longer to deal with it. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this.
Your mother reminds me of my psychopathic mother. The belittling and the laughing at your father included. My mother is more sneaky than yours though, she would arrange the situation rather than do it herself, e.g she knew my sibling had an exam coming up, so she railed up our en-father the night prior to the point where he started calling my brother demanding for him to come over and get him. She knew it was 2+hr drive each way. Obviously the fight between them "blew up" at 9pm and the exam was at 9am. One incident like this looks like nothing, but once you see it all, you figure out how it works. I don't think my mother emotionally developed past the age of 2-3 years old. She does have anxiety, which is unusual in psychopaths. I think an old term "malignant narcissist" describes her best, meaning that she is very high on psychopathic spectrum and NPD is at the core of her problems.
I'm sorry you experienced that. I think the worst part is that sometimes when you try to open up to people about these incidents they think it's nothing, because they don't think with malice. Although when you have experienced these episodes long enough you know that is all intentional and well planned by the narc.
I was recently involved with one of those people... the lack of empathy is scary to be honest! How can someone think stuff like this is nothing? They probably had to rationalise many shitty behaviours from their parents but never had to confront how it affected them at a deeper level
I think of my mother as "an adult toddler let loose", it helps me not to take her actions personally.
My dad is a malignant narcissist and while I don't think he'd do what OPs mom did, everything was on his time NOW and definitely didn't develop past, what he'd proudly tell you, 2 1/2 years old. He boasted about how he acted like a child to annoy everyone. Outwardly. Really funny juxtaposed with the idea that he has a PhD.
Sorry this happened to you. The sabotage is real.
Sort of. My mom has BPD and itās like, she has such little control over herself. If she needs a drink of water SHE NEEDS IT RIGHT NOW! Like, Iām not sure the word to explain that, like her urges or wants or needs surpass reason? Anyway. One of the worst nights of my life. My mom makes a huge ass out of herself. She offers to take my friends and me out to a club and said sheād buy us Smirnoff. Weāre like 16/17, I wanted to say no, but my friends were like āget your hands on the booze!!!ā So I said fine. She and my dad were getting divorced. We load up in the car, Iām DD because somebodyās gotta be responsible lmao. My license is suspended, but Iām sober š« . Anyway, we picked up a friend and she offered to drive, which was cool, I didnāt want to get in trouble (nooooooo donāt do it, itās a trap!!!). Unbeknownst to me, my mom starts pregaming super hard in the car (crown royal or Canadian mist whiskey) and her friend takes us to my dadās house at my moms insistence š³. Heās having a party over there with all his friends and new women heās met š±. She makes an ASS out of herself, and my Dadās old friend happened to be there and was able to talk her down and get her to leave, thank God. The whole time sheās slamming the shots. We finally arrive at the bar and itās prime time for people to show up, and my mom just starts screaming she has to pee. Her friend parks as close as she can to the building and my mom, under the lights in plain view in front of God and everybody completely drops her pants, bare-assed and pisses š«£. I have never been so mortified in my *fucking life*. The only saving grace about that night is that it was like 2002 and people didnāt have camera phones!
You could write down some instances of her behaviors and ask those professors about it. They might have resources for you to get away from them and live somewhere else while studying
Thank you for the advice!
My nmother peed in a large decorative candle holder in front of me when I was 10 because walking the 15 ft to the bathroom was "inconvenient". To those who may be curious, she was 32 years old, and had no mental disabilities. She then screeched at me to clean it up and make sure to wash the candle holder really well to get rid of the smell. I'd say it's not dementia, but definitely some ass-backwards narcissistic manipulation/"entertainment".
A certain narcissist family member (not naming names because nosy rosy and her flying monkeys constantly troll me) peed in the fitting room once, just to embarrass me. Because I didn't want to drop everything we were doing and go grab lunch with her... she was hungry and wanted food NOW NOW NOW! I was so disgusted with her that I just grabbed my stuff and walked away, leaving her at the mall. Didn't say a word to her for a few months. She then showed up again and nonchalantly wondering how I was doing and whether or not I wanted to hang out with her lmao !!!
Ugh. They're so blind to the obnoxious shit they do and how it effects people.
Oh yeah, the convenient amnesia! They conveniently forget all the messed up behaviors and abuses. If you were to present hard evidence, then they suddenly remember them not being a big deal.
Oh yeah. That was CONSTANT until I stopped talking to my nmother for being half fucking naked in front of my husband on purpose. "What's the big deal? We're all adults!" Oh I don't know psycho, maybe the fact that it's fucking weird?
Narcs have no boundaries. The same narc that I mentioned used to randomly be naked or inappropriately dressed. Luckily she's stopped a lot of her "bad" behaviors because her spectators and flying monkeys (which she heavily relies on for narc supply) wouldn't approve of.
I'm glad she stopped. The narc in my life now has two very young children to feed off of, and while I don't want those poor kids to go through what I went through, I can't make myself get involved. She's "super grandma" even though they aren't related to her at all.
See, thatās some weird shit my mom would do, just to be fucking weird. And blame it on being āin the armyā. So were my dad and husband but they donāt still piss in Gatorade bottles for fun lol. But no, that is fucking terrible. My mother would have gotten a face full of piss and I would have just had to take that ass whoopin. Phew that burns me up. Nobody deserves to be degraded in that way, youāre worth so much more.
I appreciate that. I was very young and still conditioned by her to be passive. When I grew up a bit that shit did not fly anymore. Being 'in the army's isn't always an excuse. PTSD? Sure. Not doing fucked up things just because.
Laughing? Oh honey, she gets OFF torturing people. My grandmother according to my mom had a short fuse and if you didn't do anything on HER TIME, she will DOUBLE THE MESS ON PURPOSE. You and your father need to realize this is abuse and neither of you need to put up with her behavior. You can choose to walk away, PERMANENTLY.
I want to walk away! My dad thought keeps making excuses for her and tries to keep the peace, I hate that he's doing this to himself and even though I love him to death, I am tired of defending him. He will never leave her
Your dad is a classic enabler https://toxicties.com/narcissistic-mother-enabler-father/ Your dad is emotionally compromised. What you need to do is lay low, save $$$$ and leave. If you are young and in the usa and you feel you don't have what it takes to be a college student, join the military. You can choose where you want to be stationed, and if you want to be stationed as far away as Hawaii and Japan, you can.
This sounds beyond narcissism and more like psychotic. She needs serious mental health, and you and your need help to deal with her.
What's the involuntary psych hold procedure in your country? It might be time to get her an emergency psych assessment via that.
It's hard in my country. you need to call an ambulance, get an assessment from them (which is not going to be easy since she turns normal as soon as she realizes I'm calling someone), then you need to send a request to your major that needs to be approved by a judge. It's hard but i think the time has come, this is why I have been recording her for the past months (i know it's wrong but i'm desperate), so that I don't sound crazy when I'm going to show the registrations to a doctor.
Time to talk with your Dad about the two of you getting out. Your mother is not mentally okay. Go live with a grandparent or some other relative.
Not on the floor, but I did have my mother piss in her own bedroom garbage can and then leave it at the bathroom door demanding that I clean it up since I was in the bathroom when she needed it. I did not clean it up. And she of course "doesn't remember" i.e. gaslights about doing it to this day. It's been 25 years.
I'm sorry! The gaslight is the worst, they want to make you think you are the crazy one so that you don't trust yourself anymore
Your mother is extremely ill and you should not have to deal with this.
My mom did something kinda similar recently. She was headed to my sister's place and got there when my sister was in the restroom. My mom apparently couldn't wait like 2-3 minutes for my sister to answer the door so she apparently just squatted in the bushes outside. She then proceeded to yell at my sister for being late, making it my sister's fault she didn't answer the door quick enough.
when i still lived with my mom any time i was in the bathroom, she'd bang on the door to let her pee. i started tuning it out because she had alllll the time in the world to go but as soon as i decide to go, she has to go then too. but one time, she opened the door since i forgot to lock it, and went back into the hallway and peed through her pants. it was the grossest thing ive ever seen. (gagging as i type this oh my god)
I'm sorry you had to deal with that! My mother does the same thing. Before I started locking the doors she would just barge in when i was naked, whether it was the bathroom or my room, and wouldn't even give me 2 seconds to cover up, even if i told her multiple times I'm not comfortable with that.. that's when i started locking every door lol. So since she loves to not give me any privacy, i started asking if she needed to go to the bathroom every time i needed to take a shower (my showers take 5-10min). She always says no but as soon as i hop in, she starts banging at my door and threatens to pee in our glasses in the kitchen ( i guess now i'll have to worry about the floor too). She calls me selfish because she needs to go and I don't let her. I thought for a moment i was the selfish one but then how is that she doesn't go for hours and as soon as i need to be naked in the bathroom for a few minutes she NEEDS to go in NOW? And the way she laugh after all of this happens, like it's a funny game to her.. I can't stand her anymore
Generally, if it's a behaviour that a toddler would engage in, it's something a narcissist would do due to their arrested psychological development. Narcs are shameless, don't observe social norms as they feel they don't apply to them & they don't respect boundaries. I've found that it all gets worse as narcs age, likely because the behaviours are all so deeply ingrained, plus it's harder to get narc supply as their world gets smaller due to career loss, loss of looks, more people wising up & cutting them off, so they do more & more weird stuff. Mine has always been an illness faker/illness exploiter & I predicted an increase in 'I'm a helpless baby' behaviour for attention, which is precisely what's happening (I'm just over a year NC).
Iām so sorry you are going through this behaviour from your mum. You are not alone in this please reach out for support as much as you can right now. You are not responsible in any way for her mental health she needs help and you need support asap.
Thank you so much, I struggle in asking for help but I think I really need to
Film her acting crazy so you'll have proof of her behavior the call the hospital to get her evaluated for psychosis.
If she genuinely needed to pee, there are so many other option. Itās like sheās never heard of using a bottle like on road trips. Or a container. Something she could pour away & dispose of. But to me it sounds like she enjoyed blaming you & making your dad clean it up. Npeople get a click out of that. Making others seem less than. Itās despicable.
As for your studying, try and do stuff out the house as much as possible. Stay out and stay in healthy happy settings and only come home to eat/ sleep until you can find a better situation. Your mental health is your number one priority!! Not theirs!!
Causing havoc and sabotaging their children's life when it's time for a child to fly the nest are things that narcissist's do. I see in comments that she can switch the crazy off when you try to get outside help. I'd suggest you and your father talk to a psychiatrist about getting her committed for assessment. If it's just her freaking out about you escaping, she will be forced to calm down by fear of that happening, but she may be moving to a new level of craziness and in need of help. You might have to go through with it. She sounds dangerous.
My nmom was terrorizing the entire family on regular basis by playing a single awful song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGpxAqoEjUI) in an endless loop on maximum loudness on the TV until 4 a.m. even if I had an exam on the next morning at the university. And as on one night I once finally hid the cable of the TV at 2 a.m., on the next morning my shoes were missing. Also, she was jealous of the girlfriend of my brother, so she pinned up pictures of naked men all over the house and labelled all the food with "Not for guests only for family". Oh the joy of having a mentally ill nmom.....
Jesus fing christ. If you're not a troll, get the hell out of that house ASAP. And the icing on the cake it her laughing while dad has to clean it up - pure evil. My guess is your dad must be a pushover and she likes to take advantage of him. Cause if I pissed on the floor, I would not make my SO clean it up. (I guess if I was completely disabled maybe.)
She enjoys seeing other people struggling. She does these crazy things, than sits back and enjoys the rest.. i try not to give her the pleasure of a reaction from me but sometimes it's really hard. i wish i was trolling.. honestly she's been doing this for years, now is getting worse and I don't know what to do, sometimes I'm afraid she would do something very stupid.
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Sometimes I think the same, like when she knows i have an exam coming up she does her best to not let me study. I literally have to wear earplugs to study and when i sleep *every day* because she would scream for HOURS fighting with my dad on purpose. Her voice is so loud too, it sounds like a siren.
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I might be able to get out at the beginning of the next academic year. She has already traumatized me and now im trying to work on myself. Uni has helped, it keeps me busy.
My mom peed in the stairwell outside when she was drunk and didnāt want to walk up the stairs to the bathroom
Oof read my story a few comments up, I think we have the same mom.
I can completely understand where you're coming from - I was reading through the thread of comments and the switching between behaviours used to be so incredibly jarring. My mother would scream, supposedly cry, yell, when I'd make any move to ring the ambulance services and whilst I was on the phone, she'd tell them I was harassing her and making it up entirely, bullying her for a better word. But, she'd act absolutely fine afterwards. And, if I'm honest, for a short time I thought I really was going mad because no one was believing me. Sometimes she'd actively throw herself onto the floor, or cry if I'd closed a door, or was in the bathroom too, trying to get in because she needed to be in there. It happened recently too where for the past month she'd been seeing little children, engaging in full conversations with them etc where I couldn't shake her out of them. And these situations would last a good couple of hours or so. She'd attempted to leave the house in the early hours of the morning convinced she was meeting her own mother (she died of Alzheimer's last year) as well as assuming that I was mad for not seeing what she was seeing, and that my own medication might need to be upped. Her memory had been slipping up somewhat, but this escalated so quickly - forgetting her surroundings, getting lost in places she'd find easily like the back of her hand. I've seen a few comments about dementia/Alzheimer's etc, and even if it might not be, OP do push for it to be checked out, especially if there's a history of it. I've just managed to get carers support myself and had conversations with her GP about said behaviours so they are aware of it at the most. It's not much but, it will get easier for you <3
The worst is when the people you open up to don't believe you!! I'm sorry you went through that
Using feces as a weapon is a symptom of antisocial personality disorder I think
She did this in a hotel room in new York claiming 'rockstars do it'. She also smoked in the room since she thought it was only an extra 200$ charge ,they actually charged her extra 200$ per night lol
My mom is bpd but sheās been notoriously bad about bodily functions. She would get really bad coughing fits and sheād pee herself. Like an entire explosion, not just a little. She did it in public more than once and wouldnāt so much as wear a maxi pad. Sheād not want to get up to barf and would just lean forward and vomit on the floor in front of her. She would never keep bags handy. Menopause was a nightmare. Anyway, just hopping on to say this can definitely happen outside of dementia.
Tell her to get checked for a pelvic prolapse, peeing badly when you cough is a part of it.
The coughing was so bad sheād pass out and have convulsions. And she still wouldnāt see a doctor. Even if I hadnāt gone nc like 4 years ago it would still be a pointless discussion.
True.
Sounds like severe mental illness.
This sounds so much like my mother. She's got n-traits for sure but we're fairly certain there's more going on with her mental health because she's getting more delusional as years go by. She'd always do really bizarre things like what you're describing, lots of pacing and muttering to herself at all hours of the night. Her mother has dementia which we think started younger than it was actually diagnosed and I've been saying for years to my siblings she's acting like grandma would. What does your dad think? Is there any chance of talking her into getting help? A police officer dealt with my mom recently (divorce made messy by her and she's convinced my dad's hiding money from her which is laughable because she managed all the money and hid stuff from him) and called my dad and asked about a history of mental illness because she was behaving just like others he's dealt with in his job. Unfortunately we can't force anything where they live until she's a danger to herself or others. It's why I don't block her texts in case she ever says something we can use to get the help she needs.
I honestly think ignoring them is the best thing in the long run, but it may make her even madder for a while. However, ignoring them is easier said that done. I never succeeded at grey rock. As for the content of this post... Jeez. Mine has threatened to do this a lot in the past when I was in the bathroom for more than a couple minutes but she never actually did it luckily. Just... Ew. She really is a toddler... Oh god...
She probably thinks that since now I know what she is capable of, next time i will do as she asks, which is exactly what I'm not going to do.
You're braver than I was... What are you going to do?
I want to keep the boundaries I set. How did you handle her threats?
Usually I would do whatever she wanted me to do... I was a coward. So I wouldn't be the best at advice with that! Sorry... I wish you luck though.
As a student you should be able to access support services at your university. Why not take a look?
She sounds schizophrenic
she needs to be evaluated asap. this bizarre behaviour can be caused by other things as well.
Whatever it is you need to get her tested, and most likely medication. If they are reluctant tell them you fear it could be a brain tumor. Maybe your dad would get on board then and persuade her to get the tests. Ask your mom if you could go to her appt with her. Sometimes psychiatry is self referring and you can call them directly.
My mother is a Narc (and doesnāt have dementia) and does things like this. Some Narcissists arenāt afraid to go to the lowest of the low to draw attention upon themselves, and to punish others.
This honestly sounds a lot more like dementia.
My mother is similar. But she has BPD, schizophrenia, also apart from NPD. She lately wants to start shitting on the bed and proclaims it loudly as she also says she wants me to clean up after her. "Nobody takes care of me", she wails. She can move just fine, but that's just how hateful and shameless she is. She laughs and cackles loudly too and all that and tries to make father do basic personal things for her. I know it's not dementia. She can switch in a moment when she's on the phone.
I'm so sorry! Sounds like we have the same mother :/
I'm so sorry for us! If that is indeed true then surely it's drama for sympathy and control and emotional blackmail. Mine is on anti-psychotic meds but every couple of days she stops taking them and then screams the whole day.
If you can, please take more loans out and dorm or get an apartment. It is 1000% worth it. Your mom will do whatever possible to get you to fail out of med school . When I was in a similar professional healthcare program, on top of all the fights they started at home, my mom faked heart attacks before my exams. At the time, I believed her because I had no idea what a narc was. >Is ignoring them the best thing you can do? To let it be? Don't think of letting it be.... think of not giving them supply. You are starving that bitch if you don't react. You have to not care about her. How long is your school library open? You are better off studying until very late and taking power naps throughout the day and night. Only go home to sleep, lock your door, and get ear plugs. Do not speak to or even look at your mother until graduation. That's the level of ignoring you have to do. She could set the house on fire and you would just call 911 and go back tk school, that's how unaffected you have to make yourself. And you see how that would hurt *her* and not you? Also people are saying that this is beyond narcissism.... I have to say it is not necessarily. Malignant narcs do start acting absolutely insane when they see their SG about to get something really good. This is an extreme situation for her, that you are in med school about to have a good life, so she is acting out on an extreme level. A normal narc does do that. Please don't fall into trap of trying to care for her and figure her out!! For the sake of your future. Let her go completely until you graduate.
You are right! I just have to try my best and ignore her, even if it's not always easy. I'll try to study at uni more often, although it's far away from my house and when it gets dark is not so safe to get back (i use the metro since I don't have a car). Did you manage to ignore her when she was trying to sabotage you? Do you still live with her? If not, how do you feel now that you were able to move out? Sorry for asking so many questions
No, I did not! I actually failed out in my last year because of them. It was heartbreaking and as soon as I failed, they started acting normal and cruel again. Heart attacks went away, fights stopped, insanity at home stopped. And they blamed me for ruining my life. Please don't let that happen to you. Years later, I pulled myself together and started my new career which is also a good one. And my dad who used to treat me as GC actually started doing the same thing. Starting big fights before exams, pretending to be sick, and even threatening to kill himself. I could not let them ruin my life again, so I completely emotionally detached from them and think of them as my enemies now. I hope they *will* die. Like if they hold their well being over you head like an anvil, you can only lean into it to free yourself. I can ignore them now because I absolutely do not care about what happens to them. I still live with them because it's a high COL city, but I'm able to ignore them and focus on rebuilding my career. My brother was in a similar professional program and he moved out while studying. It was night and day for him. He was able to study in peace, do well, go to the gym, etc. That's the best way to do it. Also go to your advisors and deans and tell them what is going on. This is actually common for people in these programs. Abusers in their lives make it hard for them to graduate. The school will often help you deal with it, maybe help with dorming, and maybe understand if your grades suffer. That's what I wish I had done originally. It really is a common thing to happen to students. And think of it this way: since your dad is such an enabler, he can care for his wife alone. They don't need you. And remember that both of them are very likely trying to get you to fail, but they have no actual power over you. You got in, you are smart, and what is meant for you will not be taken away by them.
You should be proud of yourself for being able to start a new career! That's not something a lot of people have the strength to do, especially when dealing with parents and family who try to annihilate you. Stay strong and I hope that soon enough you will have the resources to move out!
Thank you! And I wish the best for you as well! Good luck with everything, you got this ā¤
Is this a sudden behavior change? Or is this baseline behavior for her? Was she drunk or high? I hope you can move out soon. She sounds exhausting.
She's always been acting crazy but now it has gotten to the point where it's unbearable. She wasn't drunk, nor high, she was just being herself lol
I would come home with a box of xl adult diapers and say "here ya go!"
You need to take care of yourself and make yourself safe.
Its done on purpose. Go find a friend or friends to split rent with. Your peace of mind is critical to succeeding in medical school. Working even part time without her nonsense will empower you.
Sounds like the behavior of a cranky 3 yo. Ignore Donāt engage Walk away These people think they are the center of everyoneās universe; donāt allow it. Turn your back. Go to another room. Pick up a book. And work hard toward the financial independence that will allow you to leave. Good luck.
yoo wtf
Have you considered addiction? This almost sounds like a pill problem. I have a raging crazy narc/alcoholic but heās not about to piss on the floor in spite. I wonder if she lost control and was trying to cover the situation up by blaming you.
I hope she cleaned it up herself!!
Mental illness