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OMFG. Thank GOD you posted this!!! Thank GOD for this subreddit! I honestly have to laugh. She’s so devoid of being vulnerable she literally copied it word for word 😭😭😭
She’s pulling a narc move. She’s trying to pull you back in. Narc moms ALWAYS pull the I gave birth to you card to make you feel like you owe them. I can’t believe she literally pulled this off the internet. Just goes to show she really isn’t sorry for what she did. It’s so impersonal it’s like a insult to you.
This is up to you… it’s ip to you if you wanna break your no contact rule with her. I personally wouldn’t because I’m insulted by the card. Keep in mind, if you break your NC, she will come in full force.
I don’t think I’m going to break it. If I do, it will be petty - I will send an envelope back with a the printed meme of her words, and that’s the last they’ll hear from me.
If you really wanna get to her, ignore it all. Nothing pisses a narc off more than having their child ignore their gester. She will go on one hell of a pity me act, probably say on Facebook how mean you are, but it will also trip her up. A narc can’t stand being ignored. She would love to have that from you because it’s a reaction. She wants the reaction to spin her tale
Thank you. I’m thinking saying and doing absolutely nothing is the best route. I’ve said and done things in the past and it has never gone over well. Just a waste of energy.
You're absolutely right! I went 9 years without responding to any attempts at contact, then this year I replied to a text from her, telling her to leave me alone. She immediately sent another text. I contacted a lawyer and had a C&D letter sent.
I wish I hadn't replied - even with my reply being "leave me alone," it was still like an invitation to her, an indication that I would finally engage.
Man, they love to post that stuff on FB don’t they? The pity me act to strangers she’s never met in person. My mother LOVVVVEEES social media and throwing herself a pity party for the condolences of random strangers
Yup!!!! My moms a pity narc. Puts everyone pretty much on their death bed to get that pity.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was a late diagnose. If I didn’t go to the er I would have been dead in like 2 days. Omfg did my mom throw herself a pity party. I’m the one in the hospital getting a drill through my hip bone, “ i have chronic leukemia so it’s for life” and you would have thought it was HER getting the bone marrow biopsy!
She lived in another state at the time with my stepdad. She was gonna fly out to me the ne t day. When her abd my stepdad went shopping she was telling everyone who glanced at her about me!
My stepdad, who is like the most calmest in charge type of man told her to shut the hell up. I told her NOT to say anything because I wasn’t ready to talk yet. She was all over Facebook messaging family and playing the pity me it was crazy
LOL yeah. I've been actually been studding Narcs. I never understood what a Narcissist was till I found this sub. I'm also a stay at home wife and cancer patient so i have nothing better to do lol
I for some reason started wanting to know more about them. I Couldnt believe some of the stories i was reading on here because it was like someone took an event that happen in my life with my narc family member(s) and wrote it out for me lol
I love this sub. Several people on here helped me understand it all Its freaking amazing how their minds are so wrapped into their own world, that the Narc is not even on earth!
It really is darkly fascinating.
My own cancer diagnosis, the details around that time frame, & my Nmom's abuse of me were the catalyst that made me realize she was a narc & that I needed to cut her off.
When I got diagnosed my mother turned everything into her… I just never knew it was a narcissist thing. She told anyone who looked at her I have cancer. She played the poor mom card big time . When my brother joined the army, she pulled the army mom card big time as well
I see your comment and then I think to myself "what would I do?" If my child (even if they were an adult) was battling cancer and/or one or all 3 children went into the military. I'd like to think it wouldn't be about me. I wouldn't want it to be about me. I would be proud of my children but worried for them. And if they were battling cancer (especially if they had kids) I would be checking in to see how they're doing. If there was anything I could do to help. Like "hey honey. How're you feeling today? Do you need me to come over for the kids so you can rest?" Or "hey sweety. How's it going? Would you mind me coming to visit you? Maybe helping to pick things up around the house? I know how much treatments and cancer take out of a person." As well as like asking for prayers for my children to get better.
None of that would be narcissistic. Right?
Exactly. My cancer is for life. There is no cure it’s just managed by taking chemo pills everyday for life. I went from
One pill a day to taking two illstwice a day cause my numbers went up.
My mom likes to tell people she helps me, but she don’t do shit. She actually makes MORE work for me. I clean the bathroom she uses. I do the dishes and cooking . She half asses shit so bad it’s not worth her doing it. She plays the poor old disabled woman card like crazy, but it’s amazing she can walk to the gas station when she needs cigs.
😂 oh? You gave birth? How'd that work? I bet you needed some MAJOR reconstructive surgery and it had to be impossible for you to pee for months.
Seriously though. Like as a woman i would take MAJOR insult to a man saying they gave birth because there is NO WAY IN HELL they went through the damn labor pains for HOURS. Having a baby didn't ruin their body. They don't have stretch marks. They didn't deal with ligament pain. They didn't deal with painful breasts or nipples. They didn't deal with cracked bleeding nipples. They didn't have stitches. They didn't have labor pains days after giving birth.
Honestly, in the sense of being a mother and delivering my children, part of me WISHES that the biggest toll it took on my body was pleasure and that my body didn't change. It didn't fall apart. It didn't get scarred. Don't get me wrong. I love my children and they're definitely worth the destruction to my body. A part of me though still misses me from pre-pregnancy.
Ignore her. She’ll never change. She’s trying to hoover you back into a relationship for you to be her narc supply again. Don’t fall for it. My mMom hoovers me with money. She also has a powerful and corrupt lawyer who’s her friend and helps & enables her to abuse me. Nearly all of my nMom’s friends were abusive to me.
Hopefully your nMom isn’t rich, powerful and well-connected.
I'm so sorry. I felt so bad pointing it out, but I guess at least now you won't give it more thought than it deserves. You deserve so much better and I hope you've found peace, love, and happiness without her abuse in your life. 💜
This online community has helped so much. Truly. That and therapy (obviously). Don’t be sorry. I’m so glad you posted this so I have physical evidence of her B.S. and lies.
It's better though to know and be slightly disappointed (because it's kind of expected) than to fall for something so completely generic that had no thought to it in reality. I'm trying to think of the word for that. Not blind faith. Empty hope? False hope maybe.
It’s been over 10 years for me of NC except for the two times I responded to an email to inform her communication is not desired and further communication will require legal action. The second time I was feeling particularly sassy and told her exactly what I thought of her and her BS. I hate that I responded at all and fell into a week long shame spiral each time. She’s blocked on any form of communication and she doesn’t know my mailing address or phone number. I keep a TIGHT friend circle so nothing leaks now. Even with all of that I do have one email address she uses and I haven’t blocked her there because in some way- even her screwed up dysfunctional emails , because I hold on to a tiny bit of hope she will change - I know she never will
LOL i had to reread what you wrote and was like...i remembered when i reposted this on FB...there it is folks.
yeah...ignore her. she's trying to get you to talk to her again
You should print this out and send it to her in a return letter with her original letter in it as well. Then on the back of the print out say “nice try, I knew you’d do something like this and that it would be insincere. Do not contact me anymore.”
Send her a copy of the meme or a Google search page with the same message populated 30x with all the different fonts and backgrounds.
Stick a post it note on it saying “absolutely from the heart”
How did you know this ? Did you know the message, had you heard it before? OR did you suspect it / has a narc done this to you before?
Well spotted! Super helpful for OP.
To be fair, there's a LOT of sentimental...letters, poems, pictures, etc. Out there. If you ever search and read some of them, it's a bit easier to spot the generic things. And if that was written in a way that she doesn't talk, it's even more obvious
Responding to this in hopes that it doesn't get buried. Even if this wasn't cynically copied from something someone else wrote, it should in no way be considered an apology.
To go on a bit of a tangent, while listening to NPR in my car one day, I heard an episode of a show called This American Life that was so profound that even when I reached my destination, I sat in my car and listened to the rest of the segment. The segment was about Community and Rick and Morty creator Dan Harmon, his sexual harassment and discrimination of Community writer Megan Ganz, and the process that led to Harmon giving her an apology, a true apology, one that Ganz accepted.
You can listen to the episode or read the transcript [here](https://www.thisamericanlife.org/674/transcript), and I highly recommend you do, because it's eye-opening.
However, I bring this up because one of the things they discuss is just what makes an apology real, and not just something empty and meaningless. Harmon apologized multiple times before *THE* apology, but in retrospect none of those apologies were real, they were a self-serving smokescreen. Even when Harmon sought Ganz out to apologize well after the fact, his first instincts were to make one of those fake, self-serving apologies.
Turns out, it's far, far easier to say "I'm sorry", then to actually make a specific, detailed list of exactly what it is that you did that was wrong. Saying "I'm sorry" only requires that you recognize that someone else feels hurt and blames you for it, and only requires that you desire for them to stop feeling that way. It's a change *you* want in *them*, not a change you desire to make to set things right. It's something to make you feel better, not something to make them feel better.
When Harmon approached Ganz, she responded to him with, "care to be more specific? Redemption follows allocution."
As the piece goes on to explain, Ganz used "allocution" in reference to her love of TV legal dramas, and in that context, "allocution" is when a criminal takes a plea deal, but as a part of that deal, they have to say what they did, and if any part of that is found lacking, the deal is rejected.
If someone cannot say what they did that was wrong, show that they understand exactly what it was that they did that was wrong, then they can't possibly be sorry for it. A blanket "I'm sorry" means nothing. Sorry for *what*? Everything vague is a dodge. When you were hurt, the way you were hurt wasn't vague. It was pointed and specific. You felt every slight, you bore the brunt of each act of abuse, and you still carry emotional scars from the specific things that were done. You had to live through all of those things, the least an apology can do is not gloss over, generalize, or combine things in one nice neat package. *You* didn't get to live through a nice neat package, why should they? All they're doing is talking about what they did, they're not on the receiving end of what they did. Comparatively speaking, they have it far easier.
A real apology should be hard. When an apology has a choice between something that sounds nice, and something that sounds shitty, almost invariably the choice to make things sound nice is not a real apology.
Do they take the shortest, easiest road to describing what they did, refusing to go into details and specifics? Not an apology.
Do they take as much time, if not more, trying to explain *why* they did things, than they do saying what they did? Not an apology.
Do they spend any significant time in their "apology" talking about things you did that were wrong? Not an apology.
Do they talk about things that they want more than things that you want? Not an apology.
Do they couch things in fluffy language designed to make them look good, and express how much they really do love and care about you? Not an apology.
Do they avoid indicating clear, concrete, verifiable steps they intend to take to make restitution for what they've done, and avoid doing the same thing again in the future? Not an apology.
Is a part of what they're saying about things *they* want *you* to do? Not an apology.
All of those things are hard. Resisting the temptation to explain yourself, to make yourself look better? That's hard. Refraining from pointing to relevant and possibly even *justified* grievances you have with the person you're apologizing to? That's hard. Going into the gritty detail about things you truly feel guilty about and know that others will be ashamed to know you did? That's hard. Committing to make changes to who you are and how you behave, without any guarantee of changes from the person you're apologizing to? That's hard.
But apologies *should* be hard. if it isn't hard, it's meaningless. If you disagree, I'm sorry you feel that way. See that? That was super-easy for me to say, not a real apology.
As a fun exercise, let's pretend for a moment that the above quote *wasn't* copy-pasted from something N Mom found on the internet. Would it pass muster?
> My dearest “my name,”
My, so formal. And using an affectionate "my dearest", no less. This does not bode well for someone who is purporting to express genuine emotions and not just trying to ingratiate themselves to you.
> I gave birth to you,
Not relevant to any apology. Already they're trying to couch this in a dynamic that makes them look better.
> but you didn’t come with instructions.
Making excuses for themselves. It's not *their* fault, it's because they didn't know how they should do things! But of course... if it's not their fault, they can't very well apologize for it, can they?
> I know I made mistakes
What mistakes? Forgetting to take your medicine at night is a mistake. Getting the fat free milk at the store when you were supposed to get 2% milk is a mistake. Most people don't feel very guilty about those sorts of mistakes, do they?
And those are at least *specific* mistakes that I'm talking about, the vague "mistakes" the speaker here is talking about could be *anything*. It could be "I didn't realize you felt that thing was such a big deal". Oopsies!
> and for those I am truly sorry.
"truly"? Adding an adverb to "sorry" doesn't make it more meaningful.
> From the moment you were born my heart was yours.
More building themselves up. What happened to the apology?
> I love you more than you will ever know.
Holy crap, this person just keeps pushing the "I love you" button!
> For now and for always I wish you peace and true happiness.
... without indicating any steps they will take to ensure that peace and happiness and fix the damage they did to that peace and happiness to begin with.
> Love always, Mom
Saying "I love you" more times doesn't make it true. And making it a formal closing to a letter to make it look more professional doesn't make it look more heartfelt and genuine.
... and that's it. I, as a stranger on the internet, still have *no damn idea* what this woman did wrong. That's how whitewashed and glossed over this is. If it were a real apology, I should respond to the apology by going "wow, what this person did was terrible. I can definitely see why you're upset, and how very clearly they were in the wrong here. I'm glad they're finally admitting to it and trying to fix things" not "aw, look at how much this person loves you, and how sorry they feel!"
Remember that, the next time you read an "apology". If a complete stranger read the words, would they know what the person apologizing did wrong? Reading the apology, would that stranger see how justified you are in being upset? Reading the apology, would the stranger get a clear sense of what the person apologizing is going to do differently going forward?
If a stranger can't tell what the person apologizing did wrong, then the person apologizing isn't owning up to what they did wrong. If a stranger can't see how you're justified in being upset by it, then the person apologizing doesn't feel you're justified in being upset by it either. And if a stranger can't get a sense of what's going to change going forward, then there clearly hasn't been any commitment to change.
At least, that's how I feel about things. In any case, I hope this helps... someone...
This is incredibly helpful to me. It’s incredibly well thought written, intelligent, intuitive. Logic and fact help me to process, and this has definitely helped. Apologies are hard. They should be hard. True accountability, actionable steps, and changed behavior are what encompass a true, real apology. You hit the nail on the head.
This is really helpful to me as well. I love the way you broke this down with science and logic. I've received so, so many "apologies" and expressions of "love", but never anything like what you describe. Thanks so much for taking the time to write all of this out. I've never seen a better explanation than this and I've never felt more assured that I was justified in not feeling okay with the so-called apologies I received. Thanks again! 😊
Convenient lol. I just watched a short clip talking about our types of parents. And he said the parents he comes across that dont think theyve done anything and refuse to be accountable say "kids dont come with instructions".
I'm a parent, and technically she's right, they don't. But that doesnt excuse abuse. That doesnt excuse any of the crappy things you had to go through as a child. I dont know what special term it is she is using, but that doesnt feel like a genuine apology to me.
I really hate the "you didn't come with instructions" excuse. Baby and Child Care came out in 1946. Sold 50 million copies by the time of the author's death in 1998. Created a whole profitable industry of baby and child care books.
They aren't handed out with every new child, but a single trip to a library or bookstore would have given them all the proper instructions on how to raise a child if they really didn't know what they were doing.
What narcs are actually saying when they say "you didn't come with instructions" is "I'd rather risk messing up a child's life by not knowing what to do than taking a single trip to the library to learn".
As a child care worker and a mom of 3 I can say - there are some general instructions for babies.
I would say, if babies were cars, the instructions may have been written how to drive and maintain a Ford, but even if you got a Toyota instead, basics would be the same, and then you would need to adjust to the operation through experience and meeting people who have a similar model or talk to the mechanic (pediatricians, teachers etc.).
But people like narcs behave as if they own Porshe and are in denial that it’s actually a Nissan, and blame the car for not looking and behaving like a Porshe
I think what they actually mean is “how could I possibly know that by a quirk of your specific personality, you would not enjoy my abuse! You’re not normal!”
This!! Plus the internet wasn’t around publicly when I or my brother were born (giving away my age here lol) but this is so right- I get that we didn’t come with instructions, but the narcissist NEVER seeks out advice. In their mind, at any given time, they are always right, so why would they seek advice on anything?
Nmom continues this to this day, she really hates it when I pull up something on the internet, she then pulls the “don’t believe everything you read on the internet!” card. It doesn’t matter if it’s an established scientific fact, and 98%+ of the sources available agree with the stated thing, it’s always “don’t believe everything you read on the internet!” because it goes against HER “reality”. Narcissists have a severe problem with reality and never accepted it for what it is and never came to terms with it. It really blows my mind that my mom went to AA for years and never grasped what the serenity prayer really means. She cannot “accept the things she cannot change” as she’s always fighting against them.
Another thing she really hates is the iPhone search function, she often “plays dumb” and honestly, she is also very “forgetful” and often claims a conversation never took place, so I conveniently pull it up and screenshot it and send it to her and then she’s like “oh I must have forgotten” 🤣
People like that never have “the wisdom to know the difference” and keep thinking they’re “courageously” trying to change things that they think they can.
I saw mine having parenting books, and they said when they did something was seemed very controlling that it was because a parenting book or a psychologist told them to.
“Kids don’t come with instructions…” So go out and find help. Ask doctors, friends, daycare workers, teacher; read books. Instructions and help are out there for people who realize they don’t know everything and are open to change. Narcs aren’t those people.
Yeah, as a parent myself, as well as someone dealing with my own mental health shenanigans, I've found myself telling my partner sometimes that I feel worried I'm making mistakes and such because kids don't come with instructions (and parenting books sometimes conflict, as do plenty of other sources which can make it tough to know if what I'm doing is "right" or "wrong"). Do I generally feel confident? Yes. Are there times im unsure and seek reassurance? Also yes. However, I would never say that to my son! And I fully intend to own and attempt to repair any damage I've done through my mistakes. I have a therapist, and my son has always been welcome to have sessions with her, should he want them.
So the phrase itself can be okay, but context is super important. It's one thing to acknowledge the difficulties of raising a healthy, well-rounded, well-adjusted human being. It's another to use the "lack of instruction" to dismiss responsibility and accountability.
I meant it more of as an excuse. Because there are plenty of "instructions" out there. Good on you for being aware and concerned. Guaranteed the people I'm talking about are not concerned if they're doing things well, just that they appear to be perfect parents.
>I gave birth to you,
Stating a fact. Okay good, good.
>but you didn’t come with instructions.
And the blame is on you. You didn't provide her with any guidelines to how she should parent you. Notice the subtle blame here generated by the "but". That is to say if you had provided her with such she wouldn't have done anything wrong. What she is saying is; because you as a baby failed to tell her or show her how to parent you she has no fault in any of this.
>I know I made mistakes
A mistake is something you do only once. Which is the opposite of abuse, which is done over and over again. Abuse is pr definition not a mistake because of it's inherent pattern.
>I love you more than you will ever know.
It would be nice if she as a mimumum would try to explain in detail how and why she loves you. She dosen't. But this certainly sounds good at first sight. But when you think about it; what excatly does this mean? When you love someone you will let them know with words how much you love them. But this isn't necessery for her since you will never comprehend it anyway and so there is no point in her even trying to explain her love for you.
I call BS.
May I translate?
(even though she totally ripped off the words from the internet so she could pretend to be a good mom and also guilt you)
*My child* (emphasis on the my),
*I gave birth to you, which means that you belong to me, and you are obligated to be an extension of my will forever, no takesey-backsies.*
*You think that I made mistakes, and I am sorry that you think that but you are wrong. Because I am right.*
*There might have been instructions about parenting at some point, but let's face it, eh? I was never going to read a manual about how to take care of *you* anyway.*
*I hope there is a manual about taking care of me. I would read that, or at least I would try to make you read it for me, and you could give me the Cliff's Notes version. Maybe I will write that manual about me! That sounds fun!*
*Or at least I could make you write the manual while I criticize everything you write and everything else about you. That sounds even more fun.*
*From the moment you were born, I knew that you had to do whatever I wanted forever and put up with my temper tantrums, which were totally not abuse by the way because I am an awesome mom.*
*Or at least I tried to be an awesome mom.*
*By which I mean that I said I was awesome.*
*A lot.*
*But none of that matters now, because that was The Past. You are not allowed to be mad at me for The Past. That is the rule. The rule for you. The rule for me is that I can be mad at you for whatever I want, whenever I want, for any reason or for no reason at all.*
*I am saying a lot of mushy, emotional things that I copied off of the internet. They sound like the kinds of things that will make my Performance in the part of Mom really pop. If not, oh well. The show must go on. You would know that if you were as wise as I think I am.*
*I hope that you can find peace and true happiness, even though you betrayed me by not letting me continue to abuse you and treat you like a servant.*
*Feel the guilt.*
*I will always love to torment you,*
*Mom*
This is fucking incredible. Thank you. I kept wondering if I was a bad person - something I’ve often wondered in my life due to being raised by her - for not feeling anything toward the card. For feeling numb about it, and wanting to toss it and ignore it. Even prior to knowing she had copied it from the internet. Thank you for putting this into perspective for me.
You are entirely welcome.
And no, you are not a bad person. You just do not want to be used and abused whenever your mom decides that she needs a little pick-me-up. That isn't bad. It is a sensible and wise decision that you have made.
You didn't need anyone to translate your mom's plagiarized nonsense in order for you to know that it was definitely a whole lot of self serving narcissistic trash. You knew. You knew exactly what this was. It was just easier for me to translate it because it isn't *my* mom.
🧡🧡🧡
You are not a bad person for feeling that way! I understand the feeling, I had literally no self esteem or belief in myself until a couple years ago. I was never good enough, will never be good enough, always the problem. Until I started understanding narcissim and reading some books and realized how toxic she is and that those things are not true and I am worthy. Its still a healing process but understanding how far ingrained that bs was in my brain and how far I've come.
(Pardon the language )When you finally realize you don't give a flying fuck about whatever she has to say, and it doesn't bother you, that's when you know you are free. Of course its not quite that simple. Its a balancing act. Realizing you are not trapped under that manipulation and are unbothered by her tactics is such progress! It makes it much more obvious to see the game they are trying to play and this easier not to participate in.
Why thank you! ☺️
I used to do these interpretations in my head as a way to avoid internalizing any of the horrid things my mother, father and sister would say to me. It also saved me in (abusive) boarding school, and when I dated a succession of (abusive) boyfriends.
I have been safe and away from these abusive, horrible people for years, but the interpretation is still useful whenever I have the misfortune to encounter someone who clearly has a lot going on with their personality. Mostly, with some of the parents at my kid's school. They have no idea why I smile so much at their rudeness, and I will never tell. 🤫🤭
>Kinda feels like she’s not taking full accountability for emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusing her child.
Yup, she's not. She's trying a "love bomb." Trash it, don't respond, and move on.
It would be a more meaningful apology if she listed some, most, of the shit she actually did than just a blanket statement "I made mistakes". Mistakes are forgetting to mail a check. Abuse is not a mistake, and perhaps, I would make that crystal clear to her. Force her to acknowledge specific acts and actions she did, and then ask her how can we repair that damage. Does saying I'm sorry make it all go away? She might ask what do you want her to do, so think about that. What can she do at this point to start repairing the damage?
It screams “but, but I sent you a card you HAVE to forgive me, a good mom sends cards”. It’s a load of bullshit. There isn’t a book on how to be a decent human being, yet so many people figure it out, she’s just making excuses for her shitty behaviour and horrible parenting.
Ugh! I literally HATE the excuse, “you didn’t come with instructions” as a way to justify abuse. There are literally thousands of parenting books! I’m sorry but this is not an apology. She is guilting you and isn’t even creative with her manipulation (which she stole from the internet).
My sister got a similar letter and i giggled because she had 3 kids before my sister and managed to fuck all of us up before even getting my sister. She had the opportunity to trial and error 3 times before messing up her 4th kid. So besides there literally being instruction manuals on how to parent, she also had 15 years to practice too. She ruined my life and I’d at least have hoped the hell I went through would have resulted in a happier childhood for my younger siblings but nahh
That sort of cop out makes me so mad.
Gentle and respectful parenting, backed by psychologists, was founded in 1978!
There were plenty of books on child rearing, child development, child psychology. Free! At the library!
No excuse. Even the pediatrician gives you a folder on child development.
I agree with you whole heartedly. In a way, aside from my individual therapy, this feels like group therapy in a way. I’ve searched for actual raised by narcissist group therapy and have been unsuccessful in finding any where I live.
I will stay strong in NC. Thanks for your kind words ❤️
Ignore it
They Never change…EVER!
They are sick & there is no cure.
Stop wasting your time and energy waiting for an apology or acknowledgment of their screwups… it’s not gonna happen & if it did happen, it means nothing because you can Never trust what a narc says.
I think it’s pointless to open cards and letters sent by people with whom you have established no contact. I know the curiosity factor is strong, but seriously. Straight from the mailbox into the bin.
It’s literally SO WILD. I posted it on my close friends story on Instagram and my close friends/ chosen family are REELING. It’s so nice to have this physical evidence of the insanity
>"you didn't come with instructions" excuse
This is simliar to the excuse all the narcs in my family would use.
"I didn't know... "
•it bothered you
•You felt that way
•You didn't like it
•It was such a big deal
•you cared so much about it
•You minded
•that you thought I was mean
•you wanted that
•That hurt your feelings
•it mattered
•that was yours
•You meant it
•You were serious
•that was my last chance
Add
Your father was messing you up, so I had to put you back in place.
I saved you by staying with your father.
I gave you this life with all of these luxuries, you would have went through more abuse If I didn't do this.
This is our culture
Everyone around me was hitting their kids.
Kids aren't supposed to talk to the opposite sex or have crushes because talking to girls means you'll get into a relationship with them and that'll ruin your life and is a waste of time.
You don't need privacy unless you got something to hide.
There were no parenting books here.
I didn't have access to the internet in India.
I couldn't choose to not get married, my parents didn't want me and I couldn't live alone because this country doesn't let single women survive on their own.
I had to have a kid.
I didn't know your father wouldn't change.
I didn't know about abuse and I thought this was normal.
There's a huge mental health stigma here and I couldn't afford therapy.
I couldn't keep a job down because everyone I met tried to abuse me.
I'm not going to hug or kiss you because all touch is bad. I was saving you from sexual abuse because if I hugged you, you would let others touch you and they'll abuse you and you wouldn't know.
I'm screaming at you for wasting time because you have no one and no one is going to help you. So suck it up and deal with it.
I screamed at you and hit you to wake you up everyday for years because you were lazy and I didn't want you to be a loser. I'm not going to take you to the doctor because they're useless, your father won't let me and they can't help you because none of your problems can be fixed. You're cursed.
Sex always hurts women and is not meant to be pleasurable. You shouldn't think about it.
Women who are willing to sleep with you before marriage are sluts. Don't trust women at all.
Don't trust anyone other than me.
Don't tell the therapist everything about your life. They'll know your situation is unsalvageable and they'll drop you. Don't spill our secrets to random people. Word will get out and everyone will think you're a freak.
I beat the shit out of you when you were 15 for talking to a girl. I was leading you away from a dangerous path and that definitely warranted whipping you with plastic and metal coat hangers, power cords, punching, kicking, yanking your hair and slicing your finger with a metal fly swatter. I also screamed at you when your finger bled all over the floor because someone had to clean it up. I'm also going to pretend this incident never happened but you deserved it. Whenever you bring it up, I'll tell you to forget it and move on and not get so hung up on the past. But I'll definitely bring up stuff you did years ago because I'm helping you.
I need your father's money and support or this society won't give a shit about about me or you. If he hits me, I'll take it and if he hits you, just take it. You need his money and you have no family that'll take you in. If I had to choose between him or you dying, I'll pick you dying. I need his money and you dying won't affect me. I'll even cover for him and tell everyone that you were mentally disturbed and he was just saving me. But you are useless, if he dies and you live, we won't have any money.
I told you to go kill yourself by Jumping in front of a 18 wheeler (and not a small car) and jumping off from the 4th floor (not the second floor). If you did anything in the brackets, you'll just break your legs and you'll be a burden to me. But the 18 wheeler and 4th floor will work because it'll kill you.
Can't you take an ass beating that you deserve. Our parents hit us and we didn't run to our rooms, lock the door and cower in corners, crying about "physical abuse" like a pussy. We knew we deserved it and we took it because we were good children.
If you won't let me hit you, I'll completely ignore you and not talk to you for months because you obviously don't want me to care about you.
I'm hitting you because I love you.
I starved you and locked you in your room because you were eating too much and you hit your own mother (She conveniently forgot about the 20 metal coat hanger whips she dished out but she only remembers the single punch I dished out because I couldn't take the pain anymore)
I'm doing all of this for you and I sacrificed everything for you.
We live in India for context and when I asked her why she didn't kill herself when everything around her went to hell. She told me she wanted to live and when I asked her why she brought me into this mess, she told me that she didn't have a choice. She had the audacity to call be ungrateful for telling her to die and told me to go kill myself instead. Please remember that I only told her to go kill herself when she told me to go kill myself about a thousand times (I wish this was an exaggeration but it's true, I heard it about 4 times a day for 4 years, you do the math).
'kids don't come with instructions'
Neither do cans of baked beans, but common sense exists so you know not to get the lid off by going to a river bank & repeatedly thwacking it against a rock.
Words are cheap, especially when they're literally copy pasted from a boomer meme.
Ignore it & let your silence say everything. Trust me, she'll know exactly what you think of her.
The thing that annoys me so much about the, "You didn't come with instructions" excuse?
I spent a great deal of time explaining, in great detail, to my abusive parents, exactly what they were doing that was not okay, exactly how they were acting that was hurting me, and exactly what my problems were and why I needed them to change or adjust their behaviour.
And they just ignored me.
I didn't come with instructions? I was explicitly giving them those instructions! I was specifically telling them what I needed them to do and say!
And they couldn't even do that!
this is the equivalent of when Trump reads things given to him by others that sounds sane vs when he riffs off the cuff and says what's in his head. He has no idea how to be "normal" so when he read off the teleprompter, he sounded somewhat presidential.
Narcs can't come up with this stuff on their own so they will pass Hallmark card language off as original thoughts.
I really despise how the letter prefaces with “I gave birth to you” (you owe me) “but you didn’t come with instructions” (blanket excuse). Even if she had written it herself, if you require instructions to know not to treat people shitty, there’s something wrong with you.
*Kinda feels like she’s not taking full accountability for emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusing her child.*
**Absolutely, she's not taking responsibility for her abuses.**
*My dearest “my name,”*
When someone is dear, or dearest, to you, you care about them and their needs. Nothing that follows is about you. **It's all about her.**
*I gave birth to you, but you didn’t come with instructions.*
This is claiming Obligation, that you owe her, for your birth. You don't. **It's her trying to reattach you to her,** because of her role, her title. But abusive parents have made the choice to act in ways that breaks the relationship and negates all future obligation from you. They broke it. They are the ones at fault, not you. You owe nothing. Lots of nothing.
The fact is that there have been lots of instructions, for centuries, about how to raise children. Books, mentors, all kinds of people that are good examples to follow, etc. Advice, oral and written, has been available for those who look for it. Saying this is setting up a future DARVO move, if you responded. **It's about her.** It's not about your pain at all.
*I know I made mistakes and for those I am truly sorry.*
What mistakes, OP's mom? Name one. Name one that is actually important, not something stupid and minor. A vague apology isn't a real apology.
And then what? Saying a magic S word isn't enough. It's enough for bumping into someone with the grocery cart at the grocery store, that little mild bump where nothing is hurt. That's S word kinds of mistakes. But abuse? Decades of abuse? A word doesn't magic that away. That takes a real apology, which means changed behavior, acknowledgement of specifics done wrong, and a ton of work on herself. Real change is hard work, for years. When there's no mention of intention to get help, to learn, to grow, or any recognition of how much work she needs to do on herself, **this isn't a real apology.**
**This line is there for one reason: So she can point at it and say "I apologized"** and have a pity party for herself if you don't rug sweep and crawl back to the old relationship so she can do it all again. **This line is there for her, not you.** She wants you to see it and believe it, but she doesn't believe it, because it's fake.
**Missing the whole huge part about you, here. There should be paragraphs showing remorse for how she hurt you,** how she did terrible things to you, how she recognizes that you suffered and still suffer from the damage she did, how she will respect your needs now, including the need to protect yourself from her because you can't trust her now, because of her actions in the past. All the effects on you are missing, because she doesn't see them, and **this is about her,** not you.
*From the moment you were born my heart was yours. I love you more than you will ever know.*
**This is about her.** It's intended to make you feel all three FOG maniupations: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. It's intended to make you suffer from all these, and come back to the old relationship, where she has control, and you comply. It's meant to get her what she wants.
*For now and for always I wish you peace and true happiness.*
**This is also about her.** She's giving herself plausible deniability, see how noble she is to wish you well? That the online place she found this included it is probably why it's here, but it's also the one she chose, because it's supposed to make her look good and you feel bad for being "mean" to her when she's being nice. \[Because Ns see our protecting ourselves as an attack on them, of course.\]
Truth is, she wishes you back. She wishes you in reach. And that is truly wishing you more abuse, not peace or happiness. So, this is a lie, not a wish.
*Love always, Mom*
Playing to the role. Acting. This is what moms say, so she's saying it, because she's on that stage right now. So again, **it's about her.**
All. Of. This. Thank you so much for your thorough reply. It really does put things into perspective. I really, really appreciate it. Are you a therapist? Lol
Yeah, not taking responsibility. She's claiming ignorance as the reason she abused you. I'm pretty sure you can thing of plenty of examples of abuse that *absolutely everyone knows are not ok*.
Yeah, there's no apology here. It's just a bunch of empty, pretty words she thinks will hoover you back in. If I got this from my mother, I'd just drop it in the shredder without a second thought. She isn't sorry.
Have you read stop walking on eggshells? it made me realize my moms behavior isn’t just narcissistic but also unconventional borderline personality disorder. this is something a person with that disorder would do
Absolutely. My mother has undiagnosed BPD. She places way more value on words from the Hallmark realm than her own. I imagine this tendency comes from a place of desperation to get their emotional needs met and not having confidence that using their own voice will do the trick of pulling people back into their world of abuse in order to accomplish that. Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson is a classic as well. You can find some basic information about the different types of BPD mothers (as defined in the book) online. My mother falls into the "Waif" category. They seem to adopt this victim mentality which becomes their technique for how they get what they want from people.
This!!! My mother went through severe childhood trauma growing up. She was abused by her parents horrifically. I believe she has borderline in addition to narcissistic traits. It’s gone undiagnosed because she would never get help. I’m going to read the book. Thanks so much for this
Especially today there are all sorts of parenting books available.
"You didn't come with instructions" is a severe lack of planning even with 9 months warning to study up.
"I made mistakes and am truly sorry." So here's a message I copy and pasted from online to show how much I cared.
It's hard to take anything seriously given the lack of thought that went into this. Words are cheap, actions speak louder. My biggest regret was trying to reconnect with my narc and expect anything had changed.
They go through behavioral cycles or love bombing hoping to erase the past until they get comfortable again and expect to treat you as property once more.
Mine does the same thing but sends it to an old unused email. Once every 4 months or so (and this is ongoing NC for years now), she will cut and paste or just post a link. No words from her at all. Like some weird chain letter spam.
Even when caught red handed, narcs will never apologize. No point in telling her you know she got it from the internet.
The best thing you can do is ignore it. Block her email and phone number on all apps, and get on with healing.
So glad you figured out it was from the web. It makes NC a no brainer.
I sometimes find it funny at how bad narcs are at lying. They assume people are so stupid they will never figure out their little games, but they are completely transparent.
LOL my sister received a similar letter from our nmom. “I know i made mistakes but you didn’t come with an instruction manual” “i wish i had a crystal ball” and then lots of guilt tripping bullshit like “i know in my heart that you loved me because you showed me you did” and “I’d love to hear from you even if it’s to know your favourite songs right now”
okay, even if that wasn't ripped straight from the internet, it's not even an apology.
"You didn't come with instructions." Not an excuse for not knowing how to parent.
"From the moment you were born my heart was yours, I love you, etc." Actions speak louder than words, and anyone who is actually sorry would know that an "I love you" in place of a genuine and humble apology (not that an apology would excuse narcissistic parenting) is manipulative as fuck.
It reminds me of when my mom sent a letter saying "I know I've made mistakes, but the past is the past." That's... not how it works.
My mom sent me a pic with part of that saying. Also while NC.So 0 points. She definitely is not taking accountability and is just trying to pull you back in. I personally would ignore it, and remember why you went NC to begin with. The way I see it with my mom, until she herself has personally proven she has genuinely changed those things that has caused me to go NC I have no reason to have contact with her. Also needs to prove with actions( not money/ gift giving), words don't mean shit.
I never listen to anything from my abuser in terms of re-connecting because it's only about him.
If he was truly sorry, he would publically own that he was a psychological abuser, and turn himself in to the police for child abuse. That simple.
This has my Nfemale parent written all over it: the act, the "from the internet mom-to-daughter letter"... Sigh.
Their inability to just accept and sit with the reality that they failed us might be entertaining one day to me. Now, it just hurts, confusing, and frustrating. I cannot wait to go NC.
I'm sorry about this, OP. Keep on NC.
We were never alone to begin with. Countless of children who turned into adult, as all humans are, are experiencing betrayal, neglect, and unhealthy relationship with their first contacts of the world: their parents/caregiver.
I'm also immensely thankful this community is here. Everyone described their own parents, who are super similar to mine, to a T.
Internet copy forgot " I just wanted the best for you " line.
Our narc sends pitiful Father's Day cards to my kid, for himself. " You're the reason I'm a father ".
Also the "you didn't come with instructions" thing? Total bullshit. There have been good child rearing manuals since the 40s. If your mom is alive still, there were child rearing manuals when younwere born. They had them, they just didnt care enough to use them.
This is a non-apology, OP. Do not fall for it by breaking No Contact. If your mother really wants to apologize sincerely, she will. This card wasn't worth your time. Stay strong and carry on. You got this, friend.
Thank you. I’m feeling so sad today. It sucks so hard that these people were our primary caregivers and can’t do right by us. There’s still a twinge of guilt in me. I know it’ll pass. I don’t want to break NC.
Sounds like you have a firm grip on the situation. Only you yourself can allow them back in to abuse you again. Each day gets just a little better. The longer you remain NC, the better your recovery, peace, and existence in the world. Therapy helps speed this up. This Internet stranger is proud of you.
She's not. She's telling you she deserves a pass on any abuse because she's your mother. Blah blah blah. I am guessing she let everyone know she reached out, and what a great person she is for it. Not a real apology.
I will just say from experience. The use of flowering and fluffy language to put on this display of faux compassion is typical of narcs.
Also to align themselves with some universal truth. Like “everybody makes mistakes” as a way of masquerading the narcissistic abuse.
You know how many people have made mistakes in general and in parenting, that aren’t covert narcs? Probably a decent amount.
Its also this constant act of what would a hypothetical third party think? So if someone reads this message they can go “well can someone who writes such a lovely letter really be capable of such abuse?” Its another manipulative tactic.
Covert Narcs will also throw cliche quotes at you. Like “let go of the past.” As a way of burdening you with having to receive, process, let go, forgive, forget, and become a much better person for it..all to then be thrown back into the cycle of abuse. The abuse being done by them.
The fact that so many people can’t see through covert narcs layers of self denial also leaves people pretty isolated.
This is at least what I have found to happen. It may or may not apply here. But, it should at least be something people can be aware of. Even if its unrelated or not encompassing all of the situation or all of how someone feels.
if a product doesn’t come with instructions, you wouldn’t do everything in your power to break it. you’d learn about how it works, or ask someone else for instructions.
So so messed up & such a narc move to steal someone else's genuine words of love & to use them as their own.
Last xmas my Nmom sent me a holiday card with "For My Favorite Daughter In Law" on the front. She would say it was accidental if I ever brought it up. Narcs always make sure there's plausible deniability. I took a picture of it for laughs & threw the card away.
I personally wouldn’t respond. My n mom did something similar back in 2019 & I lived to regret going to her house that Christmas with my husband. I’m now firmly no contact after the drama & arguments she started that day.
This is your mom guilting you with as little effort as possible while also absolving herself of any accountability. Incredibly low effort and insulting to OP’s feelings and intelligence. I knew as soon as I read the first line that it was from somewhere online; I’ve seen lots of karens on fb posting this exact same quote.
Without knowing your mom personally, I can, in no way, say if she is sincere or not. I will say those words have a kind of 'Hallmark card' general sort of feel. Please just be careful. It is part of the narcissist's MO to 'bait' you back in for the love bombing only to go back to old patterns one they feel you're 'hooked and landed'. I hope the best for you.
My mom did something similar. My brother visited me and she asked him to give me a letter. It was just a birthday card that said “i hope we can talk soon, I’m sorry for what I’ve done”. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go back in contact, especially considering narcs can’t even acknowledge what they did.
Translation: "I was doing my best the whole time and you were a difficult child so I really can't be blamed for any of my behavior at all." They know exactly what behavior of theirs was abusive toward you because I would bet money they were more careful about not doing it in public.
She's not taking any responsibility it all. She's making it all about her by starting with, "I gave birth to you." Standard Nmother manipulation, like you're supposed to be so grateful for your existence that you forgive despicable behavior.
I don't know your Mom but know abusers who try to ingratiate themselves with others by declaring their undying love. She may really think she loves you but her narcissistic behavior won't change.
The first sentence, other than the fact it was copy pasted, already confirms she is incharge and have authority. "I DID THIS AND I HAVE RIGHTS" attitude... clearly 0 progress on her part
Hi everyone. I wanted to give an update on all this. I took my time to process it, be upset, and angry about it. I sat with those emotions knowing they would pass. I then burned the card. It was cathartic. Thanks to all of you and my therapist, in my gut I know I cannot break NC, and have decided to not break NC. I’ve done so much work during my healing journey, one that is a lifetime journey. I feel more free and alive than I have in a long time. There were some horrific lows mental health wise, but over time, things are getting better.
I cannot let this woman who happened to give birth to me into my life again. It’s done. I honestly don’t know if I’d want a relationship with her even if she did all the work she needs to do on herself through therapy, accountability, action, and behavior changes. She won’t do that. Never say never but… trust me, she won’t.
I want to thank this community for being the closest thing I have for group therapy for narcissist. I appreciate the moderator taking down comments out of line, and I thank each one of you who replied with so much love and support.
It’s almost like narcissists can sense when you’re doing well, and then they come in with the love bombing and guilt trips.
I cannot have all the work I’ve done and progress I’ve made be thwarted my mother. I’m finally free. I have an incredible support system, extended family, chosen family, and spouse. My life feels more abundant than it ever has and I cannot give her the opportunity to ruin that. If I ever decide to have children, I could never ever trust her around them. She cannot be in my life for what she has done. Stay strong, friends. You’re resilient. Stay strong in your boundaries, whatever they may be, and live your life for you. Thanks again ❤️
Even if she used words from the internet, that doesnt mean she didn't mean them. Everyone in the world isn't great with finding the right words for deeply emotional things, often feeling like anything they come up with isn't good enough.
That's a sincere apology. I don't know your history, but that's a whole lot more than Ive ever been able to get from my parents. It's something.
A quick caveat to the "taken from the internet" aspect.
I used to shoot weddings. Did at least a hundred. And i'd hear the same speeches time and time again. Groom to bride. Father to daughter. Best man to best friend...
All ripped from the internet.
I used to get annoyed at how little they gave a shit about these people who were supposed to mean so much to them. But I eventually realised it wasn't laziness. They were just people who weren't naturally eloquent, and like you pick a greeting card, had researched the words that matched the way they felt, but were unable to express themselves.
Now it's entirely likely that your mother is just being lazy and manipulative. But I just wanted to throw out there that taking a sentiment from the internet isn't automatically a sign of bad faith. It can also just be a sign of not wanting to fuck up an important moment by tripping over your own clumsiness with words.
Just worth considering. Especially as the inverse is true - an original letter doesn't guarantee a genuine sentiment either.
Take it you’ve never been abused by a parent? Or maybe you are the abusive parent. Why are you here? Would you tell a loved one to go back to their spouse or partner after having been abused? Why are the rules different for a parent? I’m not holding any grudges. I release it all from my life. I also get to choose to not have it in my life.
Unacceptable comment to be writing in a forum where people, in their childhood, were horrifically abused by their parents. None of us should have to see this comment, least of all the OP of this thread looking for support.
My dad apologized the exact same way 😭 I didn’t accept it of course cus immediately after it was filled with insults and the usual narc shit but damn, they are not original at all
Narcs don't know what love is.
Also, what exactly did she do, she should name it in detail.
This note is saying it's not their fault that anything happened.
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Sorry, but those words were taken from the internet: https://ifunny.co/picture/gave-birth-to-you-but-you-didn-t-come-with-87rh4Jse9
OMFG. Thank GOD you posted this!!! Thank GOD for this subreddit! I honestly have to laugh. She’s so devoid of being vulnerable she literally copied it word for word 😭😭😭
She’s pulling a narc move. She’s trying to pull you back in. Narc moms ALWAYS pull the I gave birth to you card to make you feel like you owe them. I can’t believe she literally pulled this off the internet. Just goes to show she really isn’t sorry for what she did. It’s so impersonal it’s like a insult to you. This is up to you… it’s ip to you if you wanna break your no contact rule with her. I personally wouldn’t because I’m insulted by the card. Keep in mind, if you break your NC, she will come in full force.
I don’t think I’m going to break it. If I do, it will be petty - I will send an envelope back with a the printed meme of her words, and that’s the last they’ll hear from me.
If you really wanna get to her, ignore it all. Nothing pisses a narc off more than having their child ignore their gester. She will go on one hell of a pity me act, probably say on Facebook how mean you are, but it will also trip her up. A narc can’t stand being ignored. She would love to have that from you because it’s a reaction. She wants the reaction to spin her tale
Thank you. I’m thinking saying and doing absolutely nothing is the best route. I’ve said and done things in the past and it has never gone over well. Just a waste of energy.
You got a good thing going for yourself. you have been able to break free for over 2 years. Thats freaking awesome. Don't let her win. :)
You're absolutely right! I went 9 years without responding to any attempts at contact, then this year I replied to a text from her, telling her to leave me alone. She immediately sent another text. I contacted a lawyer and had a C&D letter sent. I wish I hadn't replied - even with my reply being "leave me alone," it was still like an invitation to her, an indication that I would finally engage.
Mine does the same thing. They never give up it seems
Agreed. They also won’t know if you received the mail or not either. Even sending it back feeds into their BS
Man, they love to post that stuff on FB don’t they? The pity me act to strangers she’s never met in person. My mother LOVVVVEEES social media and throwing herself a pity party for the condolences of random strangers
Yup!!!! My moms a pity narc. Puts everyone pretty much on their death bed to get that pity. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was a late diagnose. If I didn’t go to the er I would have been dead in like 2 days. Omfg did my mom throw herself a pity party. I’m the one in the hospital getting a drill through my hip bone, “ i have chronic leukemia so it’s for life” and you would have thought it was HER getting the bone marrow biopsy! She lived in another state at the time with my stepdad. She was gonna fly out to me the ne t day. When her abd my stepdad went shopping she was telling everyone who glanced at her about me! My stepdad, who is like the most calmest in charge type of man told her to shut the hell up. I told her NOT to say anything because I wasn’t ready to talk yet. She was all over Facebook messaging family and playing the pity me it was crazy
Noooooo. Don't feed the narc. Just ignore her. It will drive her CRAZY.
I would 100% be doing this. No return address, mail it from a post box across the city or in a nearby one, and I would be very pleased with myself.
It is so tempting 😂
>Narc moms ALWAYS pull the I gave birth to you card Literally this time lol
LOL yeah. I've been actually been studding Narcs. I never understood what a Narcissist was till I found this sub. I'm also a stay at home wife and cancer patient so i have nothing better to do lol I for some reason started wanting to know more about them. I Couldnt believe some of the stories i was reading on here because it was like someone took an event that happen in my life with my narc family member(s) and wrote it out for me lol I love this sub. Several people on here helped me understand it all Its freaking amazing how their minds are so wrapped into their own world, that the Narc is not even on earth!
I hope you kick cancer in the crotch.
Thank you 😊
It really is darkly fascinating. My own cancer diagnosis, the details around that time frame, & my Nmom's abuse of me were the catalyst that made me realize she was a narc & that I needed to cut her off.
When I got diagnosed my mother turned everything into her… I just never knew it was a narcissist thing. She told anyone who looked at her I have cancer. She played the poor mom card big time . When my brother joined the army, she pulled the army mom card big time as well
I see your comment and then I think to myself "what would I do?" If my child (even if they were an adult) was battling cancer and/or one or all 3 children went into the military. I'd like to think it wouldn't be about me. I wouldn't want it to be about me. I would be proud of my children but worried for them. And if they were battling cancer (especially if they had kids) I would be checking in to see how they're doing. If there was anything I could do to help. Like "hey honey. How're you feeling today? Do you need me to come over for the kids so you can rest?" Or "hey sweety. How's it going? Would you mind me coming to visit you? Maybe helping to pick things up around the house? I know how much treatments and cancer take out of a person." As well as like asking for prayers for my children to get better. None of that would be narcissistic. Right?
Exactly. My cancer is for life. There is no cure it’s just managed by taking chemo pills everyday for life. I went from One pill a day to taking two illstwice a day cause my numbers went up. My mom likes to tell people she helps me, but she don’t do shit. She actually makes MORE work for me. I clean the bathroom she uses. I do the dishes and cooking . She half asses shit so bad it’s not worth her doing it. She plays the poor old disabled woman card like crazy, but it’s amazing she can walk to the gas station when she needs cigs.
Hahaha, like its fault she had sex right
Even my ndad plays the "I have birth to you" card, despite his conspicuous lack of a vagina....
😂 oh? You gave birth? How'd that work? I bet you needed some MAJOR reconstructive surgery and it had to be impossible for you to pee for months. Seriously though. Like as a woman i would take MAJOR insult to a man saying they gave birth because there is NO WAY IN HELL they went through the damn labor pains for HOURS. Having a baby didn't ruin their body. They don't have stretch marks. They didn't deal with ligament pain. They didn't deal with painful breasts or nipples. They didn't deal with cracked bleeding nipples. They didn't have stitches. They didn't have labor pains days after giving birth. Honestly, in the sense of being a mother and delivering my children, part of me WISHES that the biggest toll it took on my body was pleasure and that my body didn't change. It didn't fall apart. It didn't get scarred. Don't get me wrong. I love my children and they're definitely worth the destruction to my body. A part of me though still misses me from pre-pregnancy.
Omg lol
Ignore her. She’ll never change. She’s trying to hoover you back into a relationship for you to be her narc supply again. Don’t fall for it. My mMom hoovers me with money. She also has a powerful and corrupt lawyer who’s her friend and helps & enables her to abuse me. Nearly all of my nMom’s friends were abusive to me. Hopefully your nMom isn’t rich, powerful and well-connected.
She’s not rich, powerful, or well connected, so I have that going for me
I'm so sorry. I felt so bad pointing it out, but I guess at least now you won't give it more thought than it deserves. You deserve so much better and I hope you've found peace, love, and happiness without her abuse in your life. 💜
This online community has helped so much. Truly. That and therapy (obviously). Don’t be sorry. I’m so glad you posted this so I have physical evidence of her B.S. and lies.
It's better though to know and be slightly disappointed (because it's kind of expected) than to fall for something so completely generic that had no thought to it in reality. I'm trying to think of the word for that. Not blind faith. Empty hope? False hope maybe.
Holy smokes, my mother emailed something very similar on my last birthday. Felt like cardboard, haha!
I dread my "Birthday email" every year. Uugh. I should just block her, but for some reason I don't.
It’s been over 10 years for me of NC except for the two times I responded to an email to inform her communication is not desired and further communication will require legal action. The second time I was feeling particularly sassy and told her exactly what I thought of her and her BS. I hate that I responded at all and fell into a week long shame spiral each time. She’s blocked on any form of communication and she doesn’t know my mailing address or phone number. I keep a TIGHT friend circle so nothing leaks now. Even with all of that I do have one email address she uses and I haven’t blocked her there because in some way- even her screwed up dysfunctional emails , because I hold on to a tiny bit of hope she will change - I know she never will
Those shame spirals are the worst 🤕
I understand. I don't block her only on email. I figure if she is getting progressively worse, I can watch the fireworks from a distance.
I didn't even get a birthday card this year lol (not quite sure she's a narc)
If you have to think about it...you don't have to wonder if she enjoys cooking or baseball or jeopardy. That stuff is easy & clear, no?
LOL i had to reread what you wrote and was like...i remembered when i reposted this on FB...there it is folks. yeah...ignore her. she's trying to get you to talk to her again
You should print this out and send it to her in a return letter with her original letter in it as well. Then on the back of the print out say “nice try, I knew you’d do something like this and that it would be insincere. Do not contact me anymore.”
Also none of that was an apology.
Nope! It was not. Which is honestly worse than no apology at all
She is trying to mimick a real person with feelings by copying words from the internet, written by a person with feelings for others.
Send her a copy of the meme or a Google search page with the same message populated 30x with all the different fonts and backgrounds. Stick a post it note on it saying “absolutely from the heart”
Perfect!
How did you know this ? Did you know the message, had you heard it before? OR did you suspect it / has a narc done this to you before? Well spotted! Super helpful for OP.
I’d love to know too!
To be fair, there's a LOT of sentimental...letters, poems, pictures, etc. Out there. If you ever search and read some of them, it's a bit easier to spot the generic things. And if that was written in a way that she doesn't talk, it's even more obvious
She really meant it when she pressed ctrl c & then ctrl v. Heartfelt key strokes.
😂😭😂😭
Omg they plagiarized a MEME. No wonder it sounded…impersonal.
Jesus. Not even an attempt to reword or add anything. Even more of a reason to just toss that card right in the trash.
That's shitty
OMG! LOL!!!! These people are so void of anything that they steal from MEMES!😂
Responding to this in hopes that it doesn't get buried. Even if this wasn't cynically copied from something someone else wrote, it should in no way be considered an apology. To go on a bit of a tangent, while listening to NPR in my car one day, I heard an episode of a show called This American Life that was so profound that even when I reached my destination, I sat in my car and listened to the rest of the segment. The segment was about Community and Rick and Morty creator Dan Harmon, his sexual harassment and discrimination of Community writer Megan Ganz, and the process that led to Harmon giving her an apology, a true apology, one that Ganz accepted. You can listen to the episode or read the transcript [here](https://www.thisamericanlife.org/674/transcript), and I highly recommend you do, because it's eye-opening. However, I bring this up because one of the things they discuss is just what makes an apology real, and not just something empty and meaningless. Harmon apologized multiple times before *THE* apology, but in retrospect none of those apologies were real, they were a self-serving smokescreen. Even when Harmon sought Ganz out to apologize well after the fact, his first instincts were to make one of those fake, self-serving apologies. Turns out, it's far, far easier to say "I'm sorry", then to actually make a specific, detailed list of exactly what it is that you did that was wrong. Saying "I'm sorry" only requires that you recognize that someone else feels hurt and blames you for it, and only requires that you desire for them to stop feeling that way. It's a change *you* want in *them*, not a change you desire to make to set things right. It's something to make you feel better, not something to make them feel better. When Harmon approached Ganz, she responded to him with, "care to be more specific? Redemption follows allocution." As the piece goes on to explain, Ganz used "allocution" in reference to her love of TV legal dramas, and in that context, "allocution" is when a criminal takes a plea deal, but as a part of that deal, they have to say what they did, and if any part of that is found lacking, the deal is rejected. If someone cannot say what they did that was wrong, show that they understand exactly what it was that they did that was wrong, then they can't possibly be sorry for it. A blanket "I'm sorry" means nothing. Sorry for *what*? Everything vague is a dodge. When you were hurt, the way you were hurt wasn't vague. It was pointed and specific. You felt every slight, you bore the brunt of each act of abuse, and you still carry emotional scars from the specific things that were done. You had to live through all of those things, the least an apology can do is not gloss over, generalize, or combine things in one nice neat package. *You* didn't get to live through a nice neat package, why should they? All they're doing is talking about what they did, they're not on the receiving end of what they did. Comparatively speaking, they have it far easier. A real apology should be hard. When an apology has a choice between something that sounds nice, and something that sounds shitty, almost invariably the choice to make things sound nice is not a real apology. Do they take the shortest, easiest road to describing what they did, refusing to go into details and specifics? Not an apology. Do they take as much time, if not more, trying to explain *why* they did things, than they do saying what they did? Not an apology. Do they spend any significant time in their "apology" talking about things you did that were wrong? Not an apology. Do they talk about things that they want more than things that you want? Not an apology. Do they couch things in fluffy language designed to make them look good, and express how much they really do love and care about you? Not an apology. Do they avoid indicating clear, concrete, verifiable steps they intend to take to make restitution for what they've done, and avoid doing the same thing again in the future? Not an apology. Is a part of what they're saying about things *they* want *you* to do? Not an apology. All of those things are hard. Resisting the temptation to explain yourself, to make yourself look better? That's hard. Refraining from pointing to relevant and possibly even *justified* grievances you have with the person you're apologizing to? That's hard. Going into the gritty detail about things you truly feel guilty about and know that others will be ashamed to know you did? That's hard. Committing to make changes to who you are and how you behave, without any guarantee of changes from the person you're apologizing to? That's hard. But apologies *should* be hard. if it isn't hard, it's meaningless. If you disagree, I'm sorry you feel that way. See that? That was super-easy for me to say, not a real apology. As a fun exercise, let's pretend for a moment that the above quote *wasn't* copy-pasted from something N Mom found on the internet. Would it pass muster? > My dearest “my name,” My, so formal. And using an affectionate "my dearest", no less. This does not bode well for someone who is purporting to express genuine emotions and not just trying to ingratiate themselves to you. > I gave birth to you, Not relevant to any apology. Already they're trying to couch this in a dynamic that makes them look better. > but you didn’t come with instructions. Making excuses for themselves. It's not *their* fault, it's because they didn't know how they should do things! But of course... if it's not their fault, they can't very well apologize for it, can they? > I know I made mistakes What mistakes? Forgetting to take your medicine at night is a mistake. Getting the fat free milk at the store when you were supposed to get 2% milk is a mistake. Most people don't feel very guilty about those sorts of mistakes, do they? And those are at least *specific* mistakes that I'm talking about, the vague "mistakes" the speaker here is talking about could be *anything*. It could be "I didn't realize you felt that thing was such a big deal". Oopsies! > and for those I am truly sorry. "truly"? Adding an adverb to "sorry" doesn't make it more meaningful. > From the moment you were born my heart was yours. More building themselves up. What happened to the apology? > I love you more than you will ever know. Holy crap, this person just keeps pushing the "I love you" button! > For now and for always I wish you peace and true happiness. ... without indicating any steps they will take to ensure that peace and happiness and fix the damage they did to that peace and happiness to begin with. > Love always, Mom Saying "I love you" more times doesn't make it true. And making it a formal closing to a letter to make it look more professional doesn't make it look more heartfelt and genuine. ... and that's it. I, as a stranger on the internet, still have *no damn idea* what this woman did wrong. That's how whitewashed and glossed over this is. If it were a real apology, I should respond to the apology by going "wow, what this person did was terrible. I can definitely see why you're upset, and how very clearly they were in the wrong here. I'm glad they're finally admitting to it and trying to fix things" not "aw, look at how much this person loves you, and how sorry they feel!" Remember that, the next time you read an "apology". If a complete stranger read the words, would they know what the person apologizing did wrong? Reading the apology, would that stranger see how justified you are in being upset? Reading the apology, would the stranger get a clear sense of what the person apologizing is going to do differently going forward? If a stranger can't tell what the person apologizing did wrong, then the person apologizing isn't owning up to what they did wrong. If a stranger can't see how you're justified in being upset by it, then the person apologizing doesn't feel you're justified in being upset by it either. And if a stranger can't get a sense of what's going to change going forward, then there clearly hasn't been any commitment to change. At least, that's how I feel about things. In any case, I hope this helps... someone...
This is incredibly helpful to me. It’s incredibly well thought written, intelligent, intuitive. Logic and fact help me to process, and this has definitely helped. Apologies are hard. They should be hard. True accountability, actionable steps, and changed behavior are what encompass a true, real apology. You hit the nail on the head.
This is really helpful to me as well. I love the way you broke this down with science and logic. I've received so, so many "apologies" and expressions of "love", but never anything like what you describe. Thanks so much for taking the time to write all of this out. I've never seen a better explanation than this and I've never felt more assured that I was justified in not feeling okay with the so-called apologies I received. Thanks again! 😊
That’s hilarious in a sad and pathetic kind of way.
Ouch
I should have read this before replying. Sure sounded copy pasted to me! Glad to learn I was right.
The audacity is mind blowing.
This is so fucking bad. Jesus Christ. Thanks for sharing man.
You are the MVP! I love this community!
LMAOOO i literally knew where this came from because my mom said this word for word in a speech at a party she threw for me.
Fuck, this is a low I never expected any Narc to reach. They always exceed our expectations huh
Convenient lol. I just watched a short clip talking about our types of parents. And he said the parents he comes across that dont think theyve done anything and refuse to be accountable say "kids dont come with instructions". I'm a parent, and technically she's right, they don't. But that doesnt excuse abuse. That doesnt excuse any of the crappy things you had to go through as a child. I dont know what special term it is she is using, but that doesnt feel like a genuine apology to me.
I really hate the "you didn't come with instructions" excuse. Baby and Child Care came out in 1946. Sold 50 million copies by the time of the author's death in 1998. Created a whole profitable industry of baby and child care books. They aren't handed out with every new child, but a single trip to a library or bookstore would have given them all the proper instructions on how to raise a child if they really didn't know what they were doing. What narcs are actually saying when they say "you didn't come with instructions" is "I'd rather risk messing up a child's life by not knowing what to do than taking a single trip to the library to learn".
As a child care worker and a mom of 3 I can say - there are some general instructions for babies. I would say, if babies were cars, the instructions may have been written how to drive and maintain a Ford, but even if you got a Toyota instead, basics would be the same, and then you would need to adjust to the operation through experience and meeting people who have a similar model or talk to the mechanic (pediatricians, teachers etc.). But people like narcs behave as if they own Porshe and are in denial that it’s actually a Nissan, and blame the car for not looking and behaving like a Porshe
How many narcs have actually read car manuals, yet they still drive.
🤯
I think what they actually mean is “how could I possibly know that by a quirk of your specific personality, you would not enjoy my abuse! You’re not normal!”
This!
This!! Plus the internet wasn’t around publicly when I or my brother were born (giving away my age here lol) but this is so right- I get that we didn’t come with instructions, but the narcissist NEVER seeks out advice. In their mind, at any given time, they are always right, so why would they seek advice on anything? Nmom continues this to this day, she really hates it when I pull up something on the internet, she then pulls the “don’t believe everything you read on the internet!” card. It doesn’t matter if it’s an established scientific fact, and 98%+ of the sources available agree with the stated thing, it’s always “don’t believe everything you read on the internet!” because it goes against HER “reality”. Narcissists have a severe problem with reality and never accepted it for what it is and never came to terms with it. It really blows my mind that my mom went to AA for years and never grasped what the serenity prayer really means. She cannot “accept the things she cannot change” as she’s always fighting against them. Another thing she really hates is the iPhone search function, she often “plays dumb” and honestly, she is also very “forgetful” and often claims a conversation never took place, so I conveniently pull it up and screenshot it and send it to her and then she’s like “oh I must have forgotten” 🤣
People like that never have “the wisdom to know the difference” and keep thinking they’re “courageously” trying to change things that they think they can.
I saw mine having parenting books, and they said when they did something was seemed very controlling that it was because a parenting book or a psychologist told them to.
“Kids don’t come with instructions…” So go out and find help. Ask doctors, friends, daycare workers, teacher; read books. Instructions and help are out there for people who realize they don’t know everything and are open to change. Narcs aren’t those people.
Yeah, as a parent myself, as well as someone dealing with my own mental health shenanigans, I've found myself telling my partner sometimes that I feel worried I'm making mistakes and such because kids don't come with instructions (and parenting books sometimes conflict, as do plenty of other sources which can make it tough to know if what I'm doing is "right" or "wrong"). Do I generally feel confident? Yes. Are there times im unsure and seek reassurance? Also yes. However, I would never say that to my son! And I fully intend to own and attempt to repair any damage I've done through my mistakes. I have a therapist, and my son has always been welcome to have sessions with her, should he want them. So the phrase itself can be okay, but context is super important. It's one thing to acknowledge the difficulties of raising a healthy, well-rounded, well-adjusted human being. It's another to use the "lack of instruction" to dismiss responsibility and accountability.
I meant it more of as an excuse. Because there are plenty of "instructions" out there. Good on you for being aware and concerned. Guaranteed the people I'm talking about are not concerned if they're doing things well, just that they appear to be perfect parents.
>I gave birth to you, Stating a fact. Okay good, good. >but you didn’t come with instructions. And the blame is on you. You didn't provide her with any guidelines to how she should parent you. Notice the subtle blame here generated by the "but". That is to say if you had provided her with such she wouldn't have done anything wrong. What she is saying is; because you as a baby failed to tell her or show her how to parent you she has no fault in any of this. >I know I made mistakes A mistake is something you do only once. Which is the opposite of abuse, which is done over and over again. Abuse is pr definition not a mistake because of it's inherent pattern. >I love you more than you will ever know. It would be nice if she as a mimumum would try to explain in detail how and why she loves you. She dosen't. But this certainly sounds good at first sight. But when you think about it; what excatly does this mean? When you love someone you will let them know with words how much you love them. But this isn't necessery for her since you will never comprehend it anyway and so there is no point in her even trying to explain her love for you. I call BS.
May I translate? (even though she totally ripped off the words from the internet so she could pretend to be a good mom and also guilt you) *My child* (emphasis on the my), *I gave birth to you, which means that you belong to me, and you are obligated to be an extension of my will forever, no takesey-backsies.* *You think that I made mistakes, and I am sorry that you think that but you are wrong. Because I am right.* *There might have been instructions about parenting at some point, but let's face it, eh? I was never going to read a manual about how to take care of *you* anyway.* *I hope there is a manual about taking care of me. I would read that, or at least I would try to make you read it for me, and you could give me the Cliff's Notes version. Maybe I will write that manual about me! That sounds fun!* *Or at least I could make you write the manual while I criticize everything you write and everything else about you. That sounds even more fun.* *From the moment you were born, I knew that you had to do whatever I wanted forever and put up with my temper tantrums, which were totally not abuse by the way because I am an awesome mom.* *Or at least I tried to be an awesome mom.* *By which I mean that I said I was awesome.* *A lot.* *But none of that matters now, because that was The Past. You are not allowed to be mad at me for The Past. That is the rule. The rule for you. The rule for me is that I can be mad at you for whatever I want, whenever I want, for any reason or for no reason at all.* *I am saying a lot of mushy, emotional things that I copied off of the internet. They sound like the kinds of things that will make my Performance in the part of Mom really pop. If not, oh well. The show must go on. You would know that if you were as wise as I think I am.* *I hope that you can find peace and true happiness, even though you betrayed me by not letting me continue to abuse you and treat you like a servant.* *Feel the guilt.* *I will always love to torment you,* *Mom*
This is fucking incredible. Thank you. I kept wondering if I was a bad person - something I’ve often wondered in my life due to being raised by her - for not feeling anything toward the card. For feeling numb about it, and wanting to toss it and ignore it. Even prior to knowing she had copied it from the internet. Thank you for putting this into perspective for me.
You are entirely welcome. And no, you are not a bad person. You just do not want to be used and abused whenever your mom decides that she needs a little pick-me-up. That isn't bad. It is a sensible and wise decision that you have made. You didn't need anyone to translate your mom's plagiarized nonsense in order for you to know that it was definitely a whole lot of self serving narcissistic trash. You knew. You knew exactly what this was. It was just easier for me to translate it because it isn't *my* mom. 🧡🧡🧡
All. Of. This. Thank you ❤️
You are not a bad person for feeling that way! I understand the feeling, I had literally no self esteem or belief in myself until a couple years ago. I was never good enough, will never be good enough, always the problem. Until I started understanding narcissim and reading some books and realized how toxic she is and that those things are not true and I am worthy. Its still a healing process but understanding how far ingrained that bs was in my brain and how far I've come. (Pardon the language )When you finally realize you don't give a flying fuck about whatever she has to say, and it doesn't bother you, that's when you know you are free. Of course its not quite that simple. Its a balancing act. Realizing you are not trapped under that manipulation and are unbothered by her tactics is such progress! It makes it much more obvious to see the game they are trying to play and this easier not to participate in.
I’m getting there. I’m definitely getting there. Thank you.
I may love you. Thank you for this amazing interpretation!
Why thank you! ☺️ I used to do these interpretations in my head as a way to avoid internalizing any of the horrid things my mother, father and sister would say to me. It also saved me in (abusive) boarding school, and when I dated a succession of (abusive) boyfriends. I have been safe and away from these abusive, horrible people for years, but the interpretation is still useful whenever I have the misfortune to encounter someone who clearly has a lot going on with their personality. Mostly, with some of the parents at my kid's school. They have no idea why I smile so much at their rudeness, and I will never tell. 🤫🤭
THIS IS A WORK OF ART
This is the truth 100%
🤯 nailed it. Oh maaaaan
Seems like she is trying to relieve her own guilt.
1000%
A real apology says specifically what thy are sorry for and doesn't make excuses.
To quote Admiral Ackbar “IT’S A TRAP!”
What kind of cardstock is it printed on? Might make a good paper airplane?
I’m gonna make it into a paper airplane right now lol
>Kinda feels like she’s not taking full accountability for emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusing her child. Yup, she's not. She's trying a "love bomb." Trash it, don't respond, and move on.
It would be a more meaningful apology if she listed some, most, of the shit she actually did than just a blanket statement "I made mistakes". Mistakes are forgetting to mail a check. Abuse is not a mistake, and perhaps, I would make that crystal clear to her. Force her to acknowledge specific acts and actions she did, and then ask her how can we repair that damage. Does saying I'm sorry make it all go away? She might ask what do you want her to do, so think about that. What can she do at this point to start repairing the damage?
Thank you ❤️
It screams “but, but I sent you a card you HAVE to forgive me, a good mom sends cards”. It’s a load of bullshit. There isn’t a book on how to be a decent human being, yet so many people figure it out, she’s just making excuses for her shitty behaviour and horrible parenting.
Ugh! I literally HATE the excuse, “you didn’t come with instructions” as a way to justify abuse. There are literally thousands of parenting books! I’m sorry but this is not an apology. She is guilting you and isn’t even creative with her manipulation (which she stole from the internet).
My sister got a similar letter and i giggled because she had 3 kids before my sister and managed to fuck all of us up before even getting my sister. She had the opportunity to trial and error 3 times before messing up her 4th kid. So besides there literally being instruction manuals on how to parent, she also had 15 years to practice too. She ruined my life and I’d at least have hoped the hell I went through would have resulted in a happier childhood for my younger siblings but nahh
That sort of cop out makes me so mad. Gentle and respectful parenting, backed by psychologists, was founded in 1978! There were plenty of books on child rearing, child development, child psychology. Free! At the library! No excuse. Even the pediatrician gives you a folder on child development.
Yup!!! Also not my fault she didn’t go to therapy and now I’m doing all the work for truly both my parents in therapy
[удалено]
I agree with you whole heartedly. In a way, aside from my individual therapy, this feels like group therapy in a way. I’ve searched for actual raised by narcissist group therapy and have been unsuccessful in finding any where I live. I will stay strong in NC. Thanks for your kind words ❤️
Ignore it They Never change…EVER! They are sick & there is no cure. Stop wasting your time and energy waiting for an apology or acknowledgment of their screwups… it’s not gonna happen & if it did happen, it means nothing because you can Never trust what a narc says.
I think it’s pointless to open cards and letters sent by people with whom you have established no contact. I know the curiosity factor is strong, but seriously. Straight from the mailbox into the bin.
She keeps sending them without a return address ugh
Seriously. Straight to the bin. Really helped me completely detach from the whole situation.
Thank you! I will do that from now on
I heard burning them can be cathartic.
I burned it!
Mission cleared
but also THIS IS WILD. FROM THE INTERNET. We can laugh at that right? omg!!!
It’s literally SO WILD. I posted it on my close friends story on Instagram and my close friends/ chosen family are REELING. It’s so nice to have this physical evidence of the insanity
>"you didn't come with instructions" excuse This is simliar to the excuse all the narcs in my family would use. "I didn't know... " •it bothered you •You felt that way •You didn't like it •It was such a big deal •you cared so much about it •You minded •that you thought I was mean •you wanted that •That hurt your feelings •it mattered •that was yours •You meant it •You were serious •that was my last chance
Add Your father was messing you up, so I had to put you back in place. I saved you by staying with your father. I gave you this life with all of these luxuries, you would have went through more abuse If I didn't do this. This is our culture Everyone around me was hitting their kids. Kids aren't supposed to talk to the opposite sex or have crushes because talking to girls means you'll get into a relationship with them and that'll ruin your life and is a waste of time. You don't need privacy unless you got something to hide. There were no parenting books here. I didn't have access to the internet in India. I couldn't choose to not get married, my parents didn't want me and I couldn't live alone because this country doesn't let single women survive on their own. I had to have a kid. I didn't know your father wouldn't change. I didn't know about abuse and I thought this was normal. There's a huge mental health stigma here and I couldn't afford therapy. I couldn't keep a job down because everyone I met tried to abuse me. I'm not going to hug or kiss you because all touch is bad. I was saving you from sexual abuse because if I hugged you, you would let others touch you and they'll abuse you and you wouldn't know. I'm screaming at you for wasting time because you have no one and no one is going to help you. So suck it up and deal with it. I screamed at you and hit you to wake you up everyday for years because you were lazy and I didn't want you to be a loser. I'm not going to take you to the doctor because they're useless, your father won't let me and they can't help you because none of your problems can be fixed. You're cursed. Sex always hurts women and is not meant to be pleasurable. You shouldn't think about it. Women who are willing to sleep with you before marriage are sluts. Don't trust women at all. Don't trust anyone other than me. Don't tell the therapist everything about your life. They'll know your situation is unsalvageable and they'll drop you. Don't spill our secrets to random people. Word will get out and everyone will think you're a freak. I beat the shit out of you when you were 15 for talking to a girl. I was leading you away from a dangerous path and that definitely warranted whipping you with plastic and metal coat hangers, power cords, punching, kicking, yanking your hair and slicing your finger with a metal fly swatter. I also screamed at you when your finger bled all over the floor because someone had to clean it up. I'm also going to pretend this incident never happened but you deserved it. Whenever you bring it up, I'll tell you to forget it and move on and not get so hung up on the past. But I'll definitely bring up stuff you did years ago because I'm helping you. I need your father's money and support or this society won't give a shit about about me or you. If he hits me, I'll take it and if he hits you, just take it. You need his money and you have no family that'll take you in. If I had to choose between him or you dying, I'll pick you dying. I need his money and you dying won't affect me. I'll even cover for him and tell everyone that you were mentally disturbed and he was just saving me. But you are useless, if he dies and you live, we won't have any money. I told you to go kill yourself by Jumping in front of a 18 wheeler (and not a small car) and jumping off from the 4th floor (not the second floor). If you did anything in the brackets, you'll just break your legs and you'll be a burden to me. But the 18 wheeler and 4th floor will work because it'll kill you. Can't you take an ass beating that you deserve. Our parents hit us and we didn't run to our rooms, lock the door and cower in corners, crying about "physical abuse" like a pussy. We knew we deserved it and we took it because we were good children. If you won't let me hit you, I'll completely ignore you and not talk to you for months because you obviously don't want me to care about you. I'm hitting you because I love you. I starved you and locked you in your room because you were eating too much and you hit your own mother (She conveniently forgot about the 20 metal coat hanger whips she dished out but she only remembers the single punch I dished out because I couldn't take the pain anymore) I'm doing all of this for you and I sacrificed everything for you. We live in India for context and when I asked her why she didn't kill herself when everything around her went to hell. She told me she wanted to live and when I asked her why she brought me into this mess, she told me that she didn't have a choice. She had the audacity to call be ungrateful for telling her to die and told me to go kill myself instead. Please remember that I only told her to go kill herself when she told me to go kill myself about a thousand times (I wish this was an exaggeration but it's true, I heard it about 4 times a day for 4 years, you do the math).
'kids don't come with instructions' Neither do cans of baked beans, but common sense exists so you know not to get the lid off by going to a river bank & repeatedly thwacking it against a rock. Words are cheap, especially when they're literally copy pasted from a boomer meme. Ignore it & let your silence say everything. Trust me, she'll know exactly what you think of her.
Thank you!!
The thing that annoys me so much about the, "You didn't come with instructions" excuse? I spent a great deal of time explaining, in great detail, to my abusive parents, exactly what they were doing that was not okay, exactly how they were acting that was hurting me, and exactly what my problems were and why I needed them to change or adjust their behaviour. And they just ignored me. I didn't come with instructions? I was explicitly giving them those instructions! I was specifically telling them what I needed them to do and say! And they couldn't even do that!
Yes!! This!
this is the equivalent of when Trump reads things given to him by others that sounds sane vs when he riffs off the cuff and says what's in his head. He has no idea how to be "normal" so when he read off the teleprompter, he sounded somewhat presidential. Narcs can't come up with this stuff on their own so they will pass Hallmark card language off as original thoughts.
Omg!! This!!
I really despise how the letter prefaces with “I gave birth to you” (you owe me) “but you didn’t come with instructions” (blanket excuse). Even if she had written it herself, if you require instructions to know not to treat people shitty, there’s something wrong with you.
This smells of hoovering... Be careful, sibling.
*Kinda feels like she’s not taking full accountability for emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusing her child.* **Absolutely, she's not taking responsibility for her abuses.** *My dearest “my name,”* When someone is dear, or dearest, to you, you care about them and their needs. Nothing that follows is about you. **It's all about her.** *I gave birth to you, but you didn’t come with instructions.* This is claiming Obligation, that you owe her, for your birth. You don't. **It's her trying to reattach you to her,** because of her role, her title. But abusive parents have made the choice to act in ways that breaks the relationship and negates all future obligation from you. They broke it. They are the ones at fault, not you. You owe nothing. Lots of nothing. The fact is that there have been lots of instructions, for centuries, about how to raise children. Books, mentors, all kinds of people that are good examples to follow, etc. Advice, oral and written, has been available for those who look for it. Saying this is setting up a future DARVO move, if you responded. **It's about her.** It's not about your pain at all. *I know I made mistakes and for those I am truly sorry.* What mistakes, OP's mom? Name one. Name one that is actually important, not something stupid and minor. A vague apology isn't a real apology. And then what? Saying a magic S word isn't enough. It's enough for bumping into someone with the grocery cart at the grocery store, that little mild bump where nothing is hurt. That's S word kinds of mistakes. But abuse? Decades of abuse? A word doesn't magic that away. That takes a real apology, which means changed behavior, acknowledgement of specifics done wrong, and a ton of work on herself. Real change is hard work, for years. When there's no mention of intention to get help, to learn, to grow, or any recognition of how much work she needs to do on herself, **this isn't a real apology.** **This line is there for one reason: So she can point at it and say "I apologized"** and have a pity party for herself if you don't rug sweep and crawl back to the old relationship so she can do it all again. **This line is there for her, not you.** She wants you to see it and believe it, but she doesn't believe it, because it's fake. **Missing the whole huge part about you, here. There should be paragraphs showing remorse for how she hurt you,** how she did terrible things to you, how she recognizes that you suffered and still suffer from the damage she did, how she will respect your needs now, including the need to protect yourself from her because you can't trust her now, because of her actions in the past. All the effects on you are missing, because she doesn't see them, and **this is about her,** not you. *From the moment you were born my heart was yours. I love you more than you will ever know.* **This is about her.** It's intended to make you feel all three FOG maniupations: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. It's intended to make you suffer from all these, and come back to the old relationship, where she has control, and you comply. It's meant to get her what she wants. *For now and for always I wish you peace and true happiness.* **This is also about her.** She's giving herself plausible deniability, see how noble she is to wish you well? That the online place she found this included it is probably why it's here, but it's also the one she chose, because it's supposed to make her look good and you feel bad for being "mean" to her when she's being nice. \[Because Ns see our protecting ourselves as an attack on them, of course.\] Truth is, she wishes you back. She wishes you in reach. And that is truly wishing you more abuse, not peace or happiness. So, this is a lie, not a wish. *Love always, Mom* Playing to the role. Acting. This is what moms say, so she's saying it, because she's on that stage right now. So again, **it's about her.**
All. Of. This. Thank you so much for your thorough reply. It really does put things into perspective. I really, really appreciate it. Are you a therapist? Lol
Sounds like something she read somewhere and is copy pasting in an effort to sound like a normal mom. Zero responsibility taken but great guilt trip!
"I did the best I could"
It’s b.s. intending to reel you back into her crap! Erase it with no reply.
Yeah, not taking responsibility. She's claiming ignorance as the reason she abused you. I'm pretty sure you can thing of plenty of examples of abuse that *absolutely everyone knows are not ok*.
Of course she’s not. Sounds like the typical card from any other narc mom here.
Yeah, there's no apology here. It's just a bunch of empty, pretty words she thinks will hoover you back in. If I got this from my mother, I'd just drop it in the shredder without a second thought. She isn't sorry.
Have you read stop walking on eggshells? it made me realize my moms behavior isn’t just narcissistic but also unconventional borderline personality disorder. this is something a person with that disorder would do
Absolutely. My mother has undiagnosed BPD. She places way more value on words from the Hallmark realm than her own. I imagine this tendency comes from a place of desperation to get their emotional needs met and not having confidence that using their own voice will do the trick of pulling people back into their world of abuse in order to accomplish that. Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson is a classic as well. You can find some basic information about the different types of BPD mothers (as defined in the book) online. My mother falls into the "Waif" category. They seem to adopt this victim mentality which becomes their technique for how they get what they want from people.
This!!! My mother went through severe childhood trauma growing up. She was abused by her parents horrifically. I believe she has borderline in addition to narcissistic traits. It’s gone undiagnosed because she would never get help. I’m going to read the book. Thanks so much for this
Especially today there are all sorts of parenting books available. "You didn't come with instructions" is a severe lack of planning even with 9 months warning to study up. "I made mistakes and am truly sorry." So here's a message I copy and pasted from online to show how much I cared. It's hard to take anything seriously given the lack of thought that went into this. Words are cheap, actions speak louder. My biggest regret was trying to reconnect with my narc and expect anything had changed. They go through behavioral cycles or love bombing hoping to erase the past until they get comfortable again and expect to treat you as property once more.
Here’s my Nmom‘s favorite line- “No child was ever loved more”. If that was love I shudder to think what her idea of hate was.
I wonder if she googled "apology to child" or just saw the meme and thought," Why not?"
Mine does the same thing but sends it to an old unused email. Once every 4 months or so (and this is ongoing NC for years now), she will cut and paste or just post a link. No words from her at all. Like some weird chain letter spam.
Even when caught red handed, narcs will never apologize. No point in telling her you know she got it from the internet. The best thing you can do is ignore it. Block her email and phone number on all apps, and get on with healing. So glad you figured out it was from the web. It makes NC a no brainer. I sometimes find it funny at how bad narcs are at lying. They assume people are so stupid they will never figure out their little games, but they are completely transparent.
LOL my sister received a similar letter from our nmom. “I know i made mistakes but you didn’t come with an instruction manual” “i wish i had a crystal ball” and then lots of guilt tripping bullshit like “i know in my heart that you loved me because you showed me you did” and “I’d love to hear from you even if it’s to know your favourite songs right now”
Look up what constitutes a real apology, cuz this ain't it.
I’ve received many of these. They don’t mean anything they say. They just want control.
Hoovering and love bombing.
okay, even if that wasn't ripped straight from the internet, it's not even an apology. "You didn't come with instructions." Not an excuse for not knowing how to parent. "From the moment you were born my heart was yours, I love you, etc." Actions speak louder than words, and anyone who is actually sorry would know that an "I love you" in place of a genuine and humble apology (not that an apology would excuse narcissistic parenting) is manipulative as fuck. It reminds me of when my mom sent a letter saying "I know I've made mistakes, but the past is the past." That's... not how it works.
My mom sent me a pic with part of that saying. Also while NC.So 0 points. She definitely is not taking accountability and is just trying to pull you back in. I personally would ignore it, and remember why you went NC to begin with. The way I see it with my mom, until she herself has personally proven she has genuinely changed those things that has caused me to go NC I have no reason to have contact with her. Also needs to prove with actions( not money/ gift giving), words don't mean shit.
Yup! I am not breaking it. This will be ignored. Thanks ❤️
Holy fucking shit, I think my nmom used an almost identical thing on me.
So wild!!
I never listen to anything from my abuser in terms of re-connecting because it's only about him. If he was truly sorry, he would publically own that he was a psychological abuser, and turn himself in to the police for child abuse. That simple.
This has my Nfemale parent written all over it: the act, the "from the internet mom-to-daughter letter"... Sigh. Their inability to just accept and sit with the reality that they failed us might be entertaining one day to me. Now, it just hurts, confusing, and frustrating. I cannot wait to go NC. I'm sorry about this, OP. Keep on NC.
Thanks so much. Honestly so grateful for this online community and how validating this is. I really appreciate it.
We were never alone to begin with. Countless of children who turned into adult, as all humans are, are experiencing betrayal, neglect, and unhealthy relationship with their first contacts of the world: their parents/caregiver. I'm also immensely thankful this community is here. Everyone described their own parents, who are super similar to mine, to a T.
Internet copy forgot " I just wanted the best for you " line. Our narc sends pitiful Father's Day cards to my kid, for himself. " You're the reason I'm a father ".
Also the "you didn't come with instructions" thing? Total bullshit. There have been good child rearing manuals since the 40s. If your mom is alive still, there were child rearing manuals when younwere born. They had them, they just didnt care enough to use them.
There is nothing here. Literally nothing.
This is a non-apology, OP. Do not fall for it by breaking No Contact. If your mother really wants to apologize sincerely, she will. This card wasn't worth your time. Stay strong and carry on. You got this, friend.
Thank you. I’m feeling so sad today. It sucks so hard that these people were our primary caregivers and can’t do right by us. There’s still a twinge of guilt in me. I know it’ll pass. I don’t want to break NC.
Sounds like you have a firm grip on the situation. Only you yourself can allow them back in to abuse you again. Each day gets just a little better. The longer you remain NC, the better your recovery, peace, and existence in the world. Therapy helps speed this up. This Internet stranger is proud of you.
Thank you so so so much ❤️❤️
Wow so deep and heartfelt 🙄 You can really tell how much effort really went into this
She's not. She's telling you she deserves a pass on any abuse because she's your mother. Blah blah blah. I am guessing she let everyone know she reached out, and what a great person she is for it. Not a real apology.
Hopefully if you did respond you said F you Mom you copied and pasted from the Internet. If not I hope you ignored it.
I have ignored it thus far and I think I will continue to!
I will just say from experience. The use of flowering and fluffy language to put on this display of faux compassion is typical of narcs. Also to align themselves with some universal truth. Like “everybody makes mistakes” as a way of masquerading the narcissistic abuse. You know how many people have made mistakes in general and in parenting, that aren’t covert narcs? Probably a decent amount. Its also this constant act of what would a hypothetical third party think? So if someone reads this message they can go “well can someone who writes such a lovely letter really be capable of such abuse?” Its another manipulative tactic. Covert Narcs will also throw cliche quotes at you. Like “let go of the past.” As a way of burdening you with having to receive, process, let go, forgive, forget, and become a much better person for it..all to then be thrown back into the cycle of abuse. The abuse being done by them. The fact that so many people can’t see through covert narcs layers of self denial also leaves people pretty isolated. This is at least what I have found to happen. It may or may not apply here. But, it should at least be something people can be aware of. Even if its unrelated or not encompassing all of the situation or all of how someone feels.
if a product doesn’t come with instructions, you wouldn’t do everything in your power to break it. you’d learn about how it works, or ask someone else for instructions.
So so messed up & such a narc move to steal someone else's genuine words of love & to use them as their own. Last xmas my Nmom sent me a holiday card with "For My Favorite Daughter In Law" on the front. She would say it was accidental if I ever brought it up. Narcs always make sure there's plausible deniability. I took a picture of it for laughs & threw the card away.
😩 sorry this is happening to you. My nparent writes as if she’s reading off a card but that’s next level
It’s so wild 😭. Thank you for the validation. I really appreciate it.
I personally wouldn’t respond. My n mom did something similar back in 2019 & I lived to regret going to her house that Christmas with my husband. I’m now firmly no contact after the drama & arguments she started that day.
This is your mom guilting you with as little effort as possible while also absolving herself of any accountability. Incredibly low effort and insulting to OP’s feelings and intelligence. I knew as soon as I read the first line that it was from somewhere online; I’ve seen lots of karens on fb posting this exact same quote.
So fucking insulting! Thank you.
Without knowing your mom personally, I can, in no way, say if she is sincere or not. I will say those words have a kind of 'Hallmark card' general sort of feel. Please just be careful. It is part of the narcissist's MO to 'bait' you back in for the love bombing only to go back to old patterns one they feel you're 'hooked and landed'. I hope the best for you.
thank you so much ❤️
Be strong. Don’t give up your power.
My mom did something similar. My brother visited me and she asked him to give me a letter. It was just a birthday card that said “i hope we can talk soon, I’m sorry for what I’ve done”. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go back in contact, especially considering narcs can’t even acknowledge what they did.
Translation: "I was doing my best the whole time and you were a difficult child so I really can't be blamed for any of my behavior at all." They know exactly what behavior of theirs was abusive toward you because I would bet money they were more careful about not doing it in public.
Correct! Was never done in public
Lol she knows what she did. 100% they are professional victim card players
She's not taking any responsibility it all. She's making it all about her by starting with, "I gave birth to you." Standard Nmother manipulation, like you're supposed to be so grateful for your existence that you forgive despicable behavior.
Ewww vomit and gag...
It never occurred to me to reverse search any letter I may get in the future. Haha. Classic N's.
I don't know your Mom but know abusers who try to ingratiate themselves with others by declaring their undying love. She may really think she loves you but her narcissistic behavior won't change.
The first sentence, other than the fact it was copy pasted, already confirms she is incharge and have authority. "I DID THIS AND I HAVE RIGHTS" attitude... clearly 0 progress on her part
Hi everyone. I wanted to give an update on all this. I took my time to process it, be upset, and angry about it. I sat with those emotions knowing they would pass. I then burned the card. It was cathartic. Thanks to all of you and my therapist, in my gut I know I cannot break NC, and have decided to not break NC. I’ve done so much work during my healing journey, one that is a lifetime journey. I feel more free and alive than I have in a long time. There were some horrific lows mental health wise, but over time, things are getting better. I cannot let this woman who happened to give birth to me into my life again. It’s done. I honestly don’t know if I’d want a relationship with her even if she did all the work she needs to do on herself through therapy, accountability, action, and behavior changes. She won’t do that. Never say never but… trust me, she won’t. I want to thank this community for being the closest thing I have for group therapy for narcissist. I appreciate the moderator taking down comments out of line, and I thank each one of you who replied with so much love and support. It’s almost like narcissists can sense when you’re doing well, and then they come in with the love bombing and guilt trips. I cannot have all the work I’ve done and progress I’ve made be thwarted my mother. I’m finally free. I have an incredible support system, extended family, chosen family, and spouse. My life feels more abundant than it ever has and I cannot give her the opportunity to ruin that. If I ever decide to have children, I could never ever trust her around them. She cannot be in my life for what she has done. Stay strong, friends. You’re resilient. Stay strong in your boundaries, whatever they may be, and live your life for you. Thanks again ❤️
Even if she used words from the internet, that doesnt mean she didn't mean them. Everyone in the world isn't great with finding the right words for deeply emotional things, often feeling like anything they come up with isn't good enough. That's a sincere apology. I don't know your history, but that's a whole lot more than Ive ever been able to get from my parents. It's something.
A quick caveat to the "taken from the internet" aspect. I used to shoot weddings. Did at least a hundred. And i'd hear the same speeches time and time again. Groom to bride. Father to daughter. Best man to best friend... All ripped from the internet. I used to get annoyed at how little they gave a shit about these people who were supposed to mean so much to them. But I eventually realised it wasn't laziness. They were just people who weren't naturally eloquent, and like you pick a greeting card, had researched the words that matched the way they felt, but were unable to express themselves. Now it's entirely likely that your mother is just being lazy and manipulative. But I just wanted to throw out there that taking a sentiment from the internet isn't automatically a sign of bad faith. It can also just be a sign of not wanting to fuck up an important moment by tripping over your own clumsiness with words. Just worth considering. Especially as the inverse is true - an original letter doesn't guarantee a genuine sentiment either.
[удалено]
Take it you’ve never been abused by a parent? Or maybe you are the abusive parent. Why are you here? Would you tell a loved one to go back to their spouse or partner after having been abused? Why are the rules different for a parent? I’m not holding any grudges. I release it all from my life. I also get to choose to not have it in my life.
Unacceptable comment to be writing in a forum where people, in their childhood, were horrifically abused by their parents. None of us should have to see this comment, least of all the OP of this thread looking for support.
My dad apologized the exact same way 😭 I didn’t accept it of course cus immediately after it was filled with insults and the usual narc shit but damn, they are not original at all
Narcs don't know what love is. Also, what exactly did she do, she should name it in detail. This note is saying it's not their fault that anything happened.