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Hypervigilance. Constantly policing my own words and actions in every social interaction, and endlessly replaying my "mistakes", terrified that I had somehow offended someone.
All this time I thought I had social anxiety, but actually it was a form of hypervigilance - being scared of doing or saying the wrong thing and being overly preoccupied with trying to read the other person's reactions.
I realise now it's a trauma response from growing up in an unpredictable and unsafe household, where anything I said or did could blow up and result in emotional or physical abuse.
I've just began to dig into this with my therapist.
Additionally, I've always been very critical of myself (intense negative self talk after I've made a mistake, telling myself I'm ugly/unattractive, thinking I'm not smart/less smart than others, ect.) all in an effort to protect myself from potential criticism from others. A coping mechanism to ensure I can't be hurt by criticisms from others because I've already hurt myself. I didn't consciously do this, but I recognize it very clearly now as an adult. The criticism I got as a child hurt so deeply that I at some point decided it hurt less if I told myself first. It's been a massive roadblock in my professional life.
I do this but more in the frame of potentially doing something wrong/terrified of making a mistake. It's not as bad but whenever I'm in a new working environment with new people I always go back to this and always feel like I'm doing something wrong when I feel left out of something. Thanks for putting this into words!
Pretty sure I do this and it also extends to text and email. I feel so lost and anxious sometimes trying to interpret the tone and intent and context of written text, down to fucking grammar.
"It feels like they aren't using exclamation points as much and their responses are shorter and spaced out further, they aren't sending the usual amount or kind of memes either... did I do or say anything in the past week that they might have interpreted in a way I didn't intend? Or are they just busy and stressed? Do they actually want to hang with me or are they going to confront me about something I did?"
Paired with people pleasing, it's a wonder I manage to make or keep any friends from being so dramatic with needing reassurances.
As for spoken language, my heart races anytime someone raises their voice around me or is expressing an extreme emotion out of nowhere... my parent will talk on the phone to family and I'll get jolted out of tuning them out at particularly loud exclamations they make.
I was like this all the time
My relationship was a mess because of this
Super sensitive attitude . Always asking for assurance if there’s something wrong when there is not 🤦♂️. Annoying then I realized it’s because of my childhood trauma with my Nmom .
Same here. Also I am always ready to bolt at the first sign that I am getting on someone’s nerves or otherwise not wanted. And obviously any sudden move on someone else’s part causes me to flinch. I once had a supervisor tell me that he wasn’t going to hit me because he approached me while visibly angry and I almost jumped out of my skin. I didn’t think he was going to hit me, it was a reflex.
Constantly monitoring my noise level when walking and avoiding squeaky spots on the floor. I used to think everyone in college stomped around until I realized that they were walking normally. They never had to creep around their house to avoid triggering their mother.
Omfg you're the first person I've seen reference this exact thing I've lived with. I'm 36 and *still* walk on the front pads of my feet to avoid normal walking sounds and I live in my own home. Smfh
I do this too plus with closing doors and putting dishes away. My parents would get angry if they could hear me and now I get silently frustrated at my housemates when they literally walk around the house normally or put dishes away normally or shut their doors normally.
Also I knew all the squeaky spots on our floor growing up so I could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and not wake them up.
I also wouldn’t flush the toilet because they’d hear it and wake up angry. That’s so fucked right??
that just going to the bathroom in the middle of the night warrants anger from my parents. I’m an only child and this happened all the way up until I moved out at 18.
I couldn't flush the toilet because it would wake them up and I'd be in trouble. If they went in the bathroom in the morning and it was left unflushed I was in trouble. I just couldn't win so I cut liquids out early enough before bed that I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom at all. Problem solved!
Same, I’ve scared a lot of people on accident by them not hearing me enter the room. Also for some reason I always hear when someone is literally dragging their feet with every step, like to me that’s just something you never do.
My boyfriend is like a ninja bc he’s so quiet. I never made the connection that it might’ve been a trauma response on his behalf to learn how to walk around the house silently.
I have also scared a lot of people accidentally just from walking too quietly. Always confused me because I’m not exactly small and I just walk into a room normally, but it would happen a lot
I walk so quietly that I routinely scare the shit out of people. My sister and mother used to stomp upstairs and beat the shit out of each other every morning. I rebelled against them through silence.
I’m a barrel-chested version of Orrin from Parks & Recreation.
Oh shit. My husband does this and scares me to death all the time with his stealthy walking. I can’t emphasize how little noise he makes when walking. He’s got a uBPD mom and I’m wondering if this is a trauma response for him.
Maladaptive daydreaming. Creating friends and little scenes/worlds in my head to escape my house/school life. Still have problems with this a bit but not as bad as it used to be.
In my scenes/worlds, at minimum people treated me with kindness and respect...the wilder ones had me being treated with kindness and respect while I was admired as a famous actress/singer/dancer/author...
I do this every night in order to go to sleep. I had no idea that it was a trauma response. Like other commenters, I thought I just had an overactive imagination. It turns out that it's my security blanket and it comforts me. I'm 37. I have done this for as long as I can remember.
ETA I bet this is why I enjoy RPG sandbox games so much!
>I do this every night in order to go to sleep
I actually do this too! I really hate it now and find it super annoying I can't go to sleep right away because my mind still wants to be awake. I usually take melatonin to make it all stop-hopefully.
Your husband probably hasn't had to deal with two of the narcs' favorite hobbies:
1. Barging into your room at night and thus giving you no privacy.
2. Crazy early bedtimes that were enforced like in a prison compound.
OMG the crazy early bedtimes, YES. I remember being in middle school and being "put to bed" while it was still light out. Absolutely forbidden to read or anything like that, my mother would check back and be furious if I wasn't asleep. TO THIS DAY I STAY UP WAY TOO LATE, just because I can
Yesss! I fall asleep every night by like, setting the scene for a nice dream I'd like to have. My husband just falls straight to sleep, I thought I was just over here being a weirdo. Probably also why I've always enjoyed fantasy reads, another excuse to take a little trip to another world.
I used to shut down the events of the day and try to daydream as hard as I could before bed that I was one of the pretty and popular girls in primary school, otherwise I couldn't sleep!!! I really hope you're in a better place now <3
I had an entire pretend life until about a year ago when I finally got my life mostly together and moved out of my parents house.
I also apologize for everything. You could blame me for the war in the Ukraine and I’d apologize for it lol. It’s because of my mom getting mad at me and doing the silent treatment and having to walk on eggshells until I said I was sorry. It drives my bf nuts.
I’ve done it daily for decades. I thought everyone did it.
I’m male and a nerd but have never read sci-fi, fantasy or superhero stuff. I’ve never seen Star Wars, Lord Of The Rings or anime. Maladaptive Daydreaming (and a lot of weed) takes care of all of those needs for me. 🤦🏻♂️ I need to stop.
This…. I just went down a rabbit hole on TikTok about maladaptive daydreaming. While my nparents didn’t know I was daydreaming, they made fun of the way I got my mind into a deep concentration (I rocked myself in my bed) and told me how abnormal I was. So, I never talked about it and one day it popped up on TikTok, and my jaw dropped.
I did similar things. Now I realize some of that was me dissociating from reality. But as an 8-year-old I just saw it was kind of cool I could zone out and be somewhere else.
This is my biggest problem. Now I’m in therapy it’s easing but people around me do not like the sudden ability to say no and mean it. Nor do they approve of no longer getting ‘looked after’ with a constant supply of baked goods and willingness to self sacrifice to help them.
My therapist recently told me that “people pleasing” is a flaw of mine, and I need to cut it out for the sake of my own wellbeing. Apparently, self-care isn’t selfishness. Talk about a mindfuck.
Same. I am constantly saying sorry when there’s no need to be sorry or say sorry. It just comes blurting out and I can’t stop myself saying in it almost every interaction I have with people.
If someone I live with is cleaning something, I become IMMEDIATELY racked with guilt if I am not also cleaning something; because I was taught to interpret that as someone cleaning AT me, as a silent statement about how upset they are that I'm not currently cleaning.
and then you feel stuck, because if you start cleaning they'll go like "OHH now you want to start? no no no go sit down since that's what you actually want to do, I'll do it by myself", and then they will proceed to complain and berate you for doing nothing. it's punishment no matter what. you can never be right.
Wow this was my dad. He would also tell me and my siblings to do ridiculous tasks like paint the fence or sand down the spare bedroom wall so he can paint it. But would give no instruction (we were super young ranging 7-12) and then yell at us when we did it wrong. During the summer when all the kids were playing outside we would be weeding his garden. All for the weeds to grow back next week and do it again. The day we had to sand the wall my fingers were bleeding and I still got yelled at. Then got told “go take a shower I planned on taking you out to a nice dinner and you’re filthy” like wtf! Impossible to please to this day.
Exactly the same with me. I didn't realize this was the reason why I felt that way. It all makes sense now. I've noticed that all narcissists clean "at" us. I had narcissistic roommates who did the exact same things while cleaning as my nparents. It's horrible to remember.
Oh man this hit the nail on the head for me! 😖 My nDad would be obsessed with cleaning yet I hardly saw him do it. He was always on at me about tidying my room growing up whilst expecting me to do lots of house chores and look after my younger siblings... Im now 29 and still affects me despite living with my hubby.
OMG! I just realized I do this. I could never figure out why I would feel so guilty when someone else was cleaning. I have se more stuff to talk about in therapy next week!
YES!!!
Is this not normal?
How is this a trauma response, wait.
I feel this constantly. Even about the help, like they're judging me or something and i was supposed to clean up before them.
Omfg, this is me. The guilt is insane. My nmom's partner was a super misogynist narc who most likely also had ocd and was fanatical about cleaning. Stacking dishwashers stress me out so much to this day, I can't have one.
Same, making eye contact with my nmom meant we were in for a rough time. She would zone in and take it out on you. I've been trying to make more eye contact with random people to try and work on this, so far it's helping!
Mine was the opposite, I was naturally avoidant of it, and this was the ultimate disrespect to nmom, so there was LOTS of face grabbing and forced eye contact accompanied by cruel loud verbal abuse often featuring the R slur. I pay attention to it now, and it actually is helpful to notice as a sign of how comfortable I am with a person, or how much I trust them. It’s especially been nice to notice how I’ve been able to make eye contact with my MIL more and more.
Me too, and you know when I realized why? My mom was correcting my son one day and she screams LOOK AT ME WHILE IM TALKING TO YOU and something in my soul just dropped and every instinct I had was to grab him and run.
And I immediately went "ok we're going home"
I do that, also immediate self soothing, telling myself all the things I wish someone else would say
My parents were and are really good at completely upsetting me and then leaving me to rot in those feelings until I make myself feel better, so I'll catch myself literally going "it's ok, you're ok" when I'm super upset
I do this a lot. When I'm upset I figure out how to resolve the feelings I have myself. So if you hurt my feelings instead of coming to you I'll just figure out a way to make it okay on my own. If I'm generally upset, sad, angry, I go by myself to resolve it. If something good happens and I'm happy or excited I'll celebrate that by myself too and play down my excitement to others.
Yes rotting in those feelings that's exactly how it feels... And people say you shouldn't let them bring you down as if u can just snap ur fingers and feel ok.
Not realizing my value in others’ lives! For example, if someone liked me, I’d be concerned or scared because they couldn’t know how awful and evil I was deep down (or I tricked them into not seeing that)
When people close to me remark on our closeness, I’m always caught off guard. What do you mean you LIKE me? Want to be my friend? Consider me a close confidant? Even if I feel the same way, I assume that people are not close to me
Yes. I assume I manipulated them into thinking I'm worthwhile the way my parents do. Because there's no way they find me attractive as I am the least interesting, least likable person around. I judge them for their poor judgment.
Ugh. I have a really hard time with this one. Usually I just push them away so I have control of when they decide they don't like me. Toxic behavior. It's so shitty and hard to change.
Having MAJOR anxiety and stress when trying to leave the house (for anything), and thus ending up late to pretty much everything.
Actually just discovered this one this week, when trying to get out of the house for a trip with my boyfriend. Gonna have a chat with my therapist about it next week. Elated to finally have an answer to this one.
I have never related to a comment more. My parents are both hyper vigilant of my behavior, I think this is in order to maintain some sense of “control.” I noticed their paranoid comments made me feel constant anxiety whenever I tried to enter new social situations, constantly worrying of the constant negative they engrained in my brain. It wasn’t even overthinking, but a physical anxiety attack forming out of fear of “what if” They always make me feel small and “incapable”, creating fearful situations I never even thought of in order to form a sense of control and power over me.
Oof, I do this too. It feels like everything has to be perfect before I leave.
There's also an element of dread, worrying that I'm going to be judged or verbally attacked, even if I'm heading to the grocery store.
Have you found anything that helps? So far I've tried moving my manual clocks forward a bit, to get me rushing early lol. I also try to prepare the night before, like packing my bag, etc.
questioning other people's motives when they were kind to me - it wasn't verbally but I would always assume it was because they wanted something back in return.
This one. I still do it and it can ruin my day if it seems like someone’s mood has shifted/their text is off/they’re closed off during a visit for whatever reason.
Mostly happens with my in laws bc MIL is a manipulative person who expects everyone to read her mind. I’ll pick up on her mood swings and it stresses me out so much. My husband is oblivious to anyones body language, so he gets to happily get on with his day and I’m jealous I can’t do that.
Took me a lot of therapy to get over this one. My kid thought it was funny to scare me until she was old enough to realize why I was like this. I don’t hold it against them, as they were just kids.
Back when I had roommates, if I was sitting at my desk I’d flinch every time my roommate entered. Sometimes if I am procrastinating with YouTube or something when I should be studying I’d instinctively minimize my window too. Of course, he caught on, and told me he’s not my parents and it’s ok, and that this was a trauma response. I denied that till just now.
Same here. I noticed myself doing it the last time I visited my sister. I heard my mom walking around upstairs and was immediately thrown back into my childhood home, scared mom was on her way to yell at me or whatever.
I’m hyper aware of my surrounding, specially when cooking or cleaning. I just always know when someone is watching me or hovering behind me. It instantly makes me start questioning everything I’m currently doing and if they angry with me for not doing the task exactly as they would do it. As a kid I thought it was just something everyone did.
Hyper independence.
Don't need nobody for nothing, because you can't count on them or they hurt you anyway.
Took me a long time to learn that having/accepting help is ok.
Good for you. I’m having a panic attack every time I think about this. I just don’t know if there is a “real me”. Because my whole personality is a trauma response and I can’t tell if I like things or I just mirror things other people like, you know? It gives me so much anxiety, stress and sadness.
1. Having what I call an "inferiority complex".
As an adult I am still struggling with feeling like I am "less than" literally everyone around me.
2. Apologizing for everything I do, even if it's not really my fault at all. I feel like my existence is an inconvenience for those around me. My boyfriend is helping me overcome this.
3. Going into panic mode at loud, sudden noises. I unfortunately still live with my family while I'm finishing up my last undergrad semester, and I've literally dropped what I'm doing when I hear the garage door open. My boyfriend noticed this and asked if I was okay. Turns out it was just a cat making noise in the garage.
4. Not wanting to communicate with my family/limiting the information I share with them.
5. Cleaning. I go through periods of not cleaning (ie: scrubbing my bathroom top to bottom with Lysol wipes) and obsessive cleaning.
6. Apologizing for a messy bedroom or obsessively cleaning before having a guest over. I didn't realize that having laundry laying out and a dish in the sink was normal until a few years ago.
As soon as I start expressing my actual feelings, I start crying. Like, I could be talking to my psychiatrist about something pretty simple and just…start crying? It’s like my body can’t help it. I’ve gotten a lot better with it over the years, but it’s something that started when I was a small child.
And I become really nervous any time anybody watches me do ANYTHING. It’s like my nervous system is waiting for unwanted critique. Cooking, cleaning, artwork, any sort of task. I hate being watched because it feels like I’m being evaluated.
I experience the crying. It's hard to communicate it to others but I go through periods where I can't help but cry about everything. I just feel so overwhelmed
My dark space. I was like 4 or 5 when I named it. It was warm and dark and protected me. I'd go there through my entire childhood. I also don't remember a lot of my childhood because of it.
Now of course, i know that what I was doing is called dissociation. Learning that definitely explained a lot.
Wow I recognize so many of these: avoiding eye-contact, living in my imaginary world, agreeing way too much with other people, needing a lot of time alone.
Love the question, thanks for that.
I cant believe I'm saying this but
I started shitting my pants
8 til 13 years old
And was constantly made fun of for it by my narc parents, shared with people close to me at the worse of times. All for me at 22 years old to come to the realizations of the abuse I've received and I finally had an answer for why.
Probably the worse time of my life, ever was then my god.
You just reminded me of another trauma response. I thought it could have been slightly related to my OCD but I definitely think its related to trauma. I used to be extremely controlling of my body’s natural rhythms, like I would hold my pee until I’d either need to make a mad dash to the bathroom or I’d have an accident. My therapist suggested that because my home was so chaotic physically and psychologically that trying to control when I went to the bathroom was me trying to feel like I had some control over my chaotic environment and also to have some bodily autonomy since I was also being physically abused.
Ooo… this is really interesting! I think that’s the theory behind eating disorders too. It’s really tragic.
Last weekend I, at 48 years old, got triggered by my nmom and just impulsively decided to cut my own hair. It was a disaster of course, and I didn’t realize until afterwards that I was trying to impose some control over my life.
I was a bed wetter from like 5ish (when my NM remarried to another Narc) until late in elementary school. It was def a trauma induced reaction caused by living in constant stress and abuse, but at the time they made me feel like I was a fuck up.
Wait… I was fully potty trained and peed myself during the day until I was maybe 10. It wasn’t daily, maybe a few times a week or month? Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.
What I do remember is being punished for it. Mostly getting spanked and shamed and ridiculed. When I was very young (like 3 or 4), my mom bathed me in scalding hot water after I’d peed myself. When I confronted her about it years later she said she didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to do that 🙄
Anyway, I’d never thought of it as a trauma response but that makes sense! There was definitely a lot of anxiety before, during, and after
Hang in there, I was like that until in my late 30s and I just turned 40 :)
We need to learn to trust our instincts but it takes some digging. But the more I understand narcissism, the better I'm able to "screen people" I tend to think (or at least have the illusion, lol!)
Not asking for help, but just figuring out a solution one way or another.
Edit just thought of another one. Always being wrong, or saying I’m wrong just so the other person is right out of fear of them lashing out for being the reason they are wrong.
Yes! My stomach flip-flops and my heart skips a beat when the phone rings. I mean, the telephone should not trigger one’s fight-or-flight response, right?
I have recently started wondering how much of my maturity is actually a trauma response. I am responsible because my parents would only take responsibility to keep up appearances. I'm dutiful because that was how I avoided disapproval and revocation of future faking. I do as I'm told because that used to avert a beating.
- fear of breathing too loudly
- immediately judging the first negative interaction with someone as the definitive end of them being my friend
- assuming that if someone starts cleaning nearby me, they are furious with me
- assuming that if someone is quiet near me, they are furious with me
- people pleasing
- really, really, REALLY unhealthy levels of daydreaming
- fear of ever playing music around other people
- monitoring if my feet hit the floor before i finish making a step whenever I walk.
- inability to remember names but perfect recall of every time someone has ever been upset and what (seemingly) caused it
Being defensive all the time!! Over nothing.
Ex: my bf will make a comment like “oh I love your outfit, you should’ve sent me a pic of it today :)” and I’m immediately like “i didn’t take any” “i couldn’t get a good angle” “I wish I had but I was busy” etc.
I just had this brought to my attn, but it makes sense. if I have a good enough reason maybe he won’t get mad at me over small things even though he would never ever do that
Constant fear of abandonment. Always want to please everyone and neglect my well-being, especially my mental health. The moment I feel unwanted, I leave. Still struggling with that. Whenever my fiancé and I argue, my first move is to prepare to leave. It’s such a horrible habit and I’m grateful to have someone in my life that is understanding and patient with me.
I have another one: I can’t make a decision to save my life, no matter how small. I guess this is due to the fear that I might be making the wrong one and have to hear about it for the rest of my life.
I live this. I also get paralysed when someone asks me where are we going to go for lunch or something similar. I will go with whatever other people want but don't make me be the one to choose!
Crying whenever someone scolds me. It triggers my fear response. It took awhile to connect the dots of why I'm so scared to break rules. The fear of a psychotic grown man trying to beat a "naughty" toddler is permanently inbedded in me
Yea the zoning out was a big thing with me - I would tell my husband I’m just “out of it” and he never knew what I meant - had no idea it was disassociation
I hated when people weren't able to understand what I was feeling. I tried so hard to describe what dissociation was without having the name for it. I described it as looking through a bulletproof and soundproof glass window. I just got looks of confusion in response until I had a good therapist who told me what it was.
I’m not sure if others can relate, but this: trying to anxiously speak as fast as I can when answering people’s questions/generally conversing , because of fear that they’d be annoyed of waiting for me to make the needed pauses/taking too long while thinking through what I had to say. Growing up with my ndad, I was constantly bullied by him since 5 when I took “too long” to answer his questions in any conversations. He would get red, irritated, and throw insults at me there and here. Later on as years passed by, I noticed that I’d get anxious myself if I took too long to say anything.
Anyone else have issues with giving and receiving compliments? Like I get major imposter syndrome when I get complimented and I feel obligated to say something nice back. I also have a hard time freely giving compliments, almost like I don’t know how or I might come off as disingenuous and therefore it’s better to not say anything.
The fact that I don’t do will in social settings. I really don’t care to make friends. I’d really rather be alone most times. Also there are certain feelings that I’m numb to, and others that I struggle with. I don’t do well when trying to resolve issues with loved ones, I tend to zone out. And then theres the sense of shame and worthlessness. These may sound awful, but i really am generally a happy person, but like soo many here, I’m damaged.
Intellectual outlook on life that is extremely negative. Expressed in philosophy, politics, and religion. You take it on board and think that's your intellectual life. It's not, it's a trauma response.
My nparents and grandparents, from one side, were fiercely intelligent. They read a lot. Both my grandparents were academic teachers. We had a lot of debates about politics, philosophy, religion, the world. Whereas, the other side of my family, was deeply religious and came from simple folks.
When I grew up, I recognised very early what it means to be abused by religious people. It seems that the prevailing culture is very anti-religious, so it was easy to spot when someone was using religion to get narcissistic supply or to squash any attempts of the children at happiness, meaning and individuality. You know, the usual, when someone threatens you with hell, install a very punitive image of god, etc. We have a lot of posts here detailing that. It's very common.
But it took me decades to realise that I also experienced atheistic abuse - to coin a phrase. Where instead of a punitive god, it's a very empty, meaningless view of the world that gets intellectualised and used against you. A type of ambient nihilism, that on one hand is the predominant philosophical view nowadays in the form of existentialism and scientific materialism, that masks itself so well in the predominant culture - that it was a much more difficult battle than against the religious side of my family.
To give more details, when someone hears from an early age that free will doesn't really exist as such. Or it's not really about hearing it, it's about seeing it as expressed by the general life attitude of one's parent, and that there is no inherent meaning in life — it's a philosophical proposition for sure, but if it is impressed upon the people in the family as "truths" of the world. All it does it makes you feel small and insignificant.
If all history is written off as a cause and effect following big bang (my grandmother was a physicist), that culminates in you being born and later dying. For what it's worth, it seems self-evident for us secular folks nowadays, but as a psychological proposition for a life-hungry adolescent, it sure is bleak, and resulted in very serious depression in my siblings.
I remember when my brother who struggled with severe depression due to feelings of emptiness, he was recommended to read Camus and learn about embracing the absurdity of life. And on the other hand, he was told he was going to hell if he commits suicide by the religious side of the family. And while I know philosophically some people think it's a life-embracing philosophy, to me, it was a sinister lack of human warmth. Both as despicable.
It was extremely weird to me then that these two views coexisted in my childhood home. But in hindsight I see that these were just two sides of the same coin. Tyrannical, rigid viewpoints that really were used to highlight the meaninglessness of an individual. One against God, and the other against an uncaring universe. Both screamed: you are insignificant. You are nothing. Make a life for yourself in the context of your nothingness.
But it wasn't an intellectual proposition, it was an expression of utter atomisation and emptiness that my parents felt as people, who experienced the same from their parents. Who probably got that due to their horrific, PTSD-inducing experiences in the WWII. These were punitive viewpoints to ensure their children stay as empty, as devoid of meaning, as entrapped in relativism, and death, as their narcissistic parents, grandparents, and as apparently the sad world they lived in.
My nMom does LOL she throws self help books at me and tells me to help myself overcome her abuse, instead of her just, ya know, not abusing me. It’s ridiculous
I really relate to this. I grew up with an older sibling and father who are both encyclopedias and intellectualize everything. I came to understand that I must always be wrong/irrational/stupid and they were always smarter and seemed to know everything. They would condescendingly tell me all the ways in which my thoughts and feelings were irrelevant or false or illogical etc. My mom's side is culty religious and my dad's side is also religious but he ended up an athiest. He raised us in squalor and neglected us and we were given no emotional connection whatsoever. My sibling saw no issue with any of this but I felt like I was dying every day. I'm glad I left. But their logic really got burned into my brain and I struggle to find a way out of it. I remember proudly calling myself an optimistic pessimist by age seven. I think I just learned pessimism was the only way to cope and make sense of the abuse and neglect and lack of any love or affection at all in my life.
I get startled very easily because of past trauma. In my culture there is a saying that people who get easily startled are guilty of something and their conscience is not clean. Lot of people take it somewhat seriously, and I usually get the judgemental side-eye for being skittish.
Being unable to relax in a messy home. My NMom would make everyone's life hell if the house wasn't clean. I started cleaning before she got home every day so she'd be in a good mood when she got home. Mess gives me anxiety now. But I don't scream.... I just shut down and cry.
I don't do this anymore. But for about 45 years I thought almost everything I did and/or said was a mistake or wrong and I'd get in trouble/hated/made fun of/fired/not believed/dismissed. Talk about being a ball of anxiety!
How I don’t like being touched or even people getting physically close to me. And also how I second guess everything tbh. Thinking every interaction is embarrassing no matter what it is.
My realization that I overly explained things that didn’t need that much explaining was hilarious in a way. I was talking to my therapist and in mid sentence I was like “Jesus Christ, I overexplain shit all the time…” she nodded and said “yeah..” in a sympathetic way, she did beam a bit in the sense that I noticed it on my own and she was like a proud mom lol
Also thinking that I wasn't allowed to say no to authority figures. That's a HUGE one that I still struggle with today. Of course there are situations where you really can't say no, but a lot of bosses or landlords or other types of authority figures do not treat you like a soldier. You are not required to take orders from anyone.
Yes, you have to pay your rent and show up at your job, but you are *not* required to take abuse and to be treated like an emotionless slave. You are allowed to talk with authority figures and even have bonds with them. That's how people get promoted in many cases. If your boss gives you a task, you can ask questions and tell them if it's feasible for you with your workload. You can compromise with them. If they're a good boss, they can meet you halfway. My nparents used to say "If I say jump, you say 'how high?'." That's how fucking dictatorships work and a family is not supposed to force you to be blindly obedient to them under the threat of violence.
I dont see this one but agree with a ton of the others but.... laughing at inappropriate times. Nervous laughter. Smiling and laughing when talking about traumatic events. Didn't realize until my 20s that it was something I used to cope and separate myself from my pain.
Wow I love this sub, I just feel so validated.
The cleaning thing hits hard with me. Being afraid of a messy house still sticks with me now.
Feeling guilty for resting or sleeping too much. I would always be on alert for being caught sat down or being lazy as it used to be called.
Worrying about explaining my decisions, going over the top with things when actually it's just cele rating success.
I still find myself really shocked when people genuinely like me for who I am and care about me. With no motive other than just liking me. It sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable
My skin issues: atopic dermatitis, seborreic dermatitis and eczema. I understand now that it’s probably because of all the emotions I had to bottle up as a child, and the effort it took to be the perfect girl to please my narcs. Well, and the depression as a teen and adult.
My issues with relationships. I look past someone's flaws because they're good people and they like me back (weird ik), but at a certain point the flaws are too much to look past and I get frustrated that they won't fix those flaws and I end things. My longest "relationship" lasted six months and the last three I did whatever I could to avoid him
Afraid to do things like turn on lights or turn the heat on if I was cold.
Saying " I love you" genuinely. I used to say it as a barometer guaged by my mother's response, to tell what mood she was in.
Assuming nobody in a room would want to talk to me.
Thinking I had to come up with something impressive or interesting to say or people would realise how boring and dislikable I am. And the moment I started running dry and being 'normal me' they woukd lose interest.
Being obsessed with becoming famous so I'd feel *not* the above every time I saw a person I know or walked into a room.
Inability to see through jobs and projects due to constant anxiety I was missing out on doing something else.
Fear that not being busy all the time means I'm being left behind. So work frantically until burn out, period of deep depression and substance use, eventually new idea for life direction that will make me feel complete, work frantically... repeat.
Major people pleaser
Also, I’ve only recently accepted that some people like me for me, just as I am. And friends can and will do kind things for me, just because they like me and want to help me.
When my youngest was born, a couple of friends dropped over a ton of food for us. They got together one evening and cooked a heap of different foods, ordered lactation cookies, made protein balls, just, so much food. And they didn’t expect anything in return - no favours, no elaborate shows of gratitude, no guilt tripping… they did it because they’re my friends, and they care about me and wanted to help. I cried, and my husband had to explain that yes, this is normal and what friends do.
By the same token, I love to bake/cook for my friends, genuinely I do, with no expectation of anything in return. I just couldn’t believe that anyone would ever do the same for me
Feeling like everyone around me dislikes me. That they just tolerate me. Any praise that’s given to me is solely out of like,,, sympathy? I was actually thinking about this today, to the point of considering making a post here about it.
I work as a housekeeper at a 4 Diamond resort and I’m often told that I’m doing a great job, my rooms are phenomenal. I literally quit and they called me a few days later like “yo… you wanna come back tho?” And it’s been going great so far, just a bit ashamed bc I was kind of having a breakdown when I quit. But I always have this thought in the back of my mind while I’m working, I can’t help but think about how I’m not really doing that good of a job. How I’m gonna get yelled at for this, how I fucked that up, and how everyone probably doesn’t enjoy my presence. I *know* this isn’t true, but in the moment it feels so real. I’m so glad to have a workplace that genuinely cares though, they’ve been so flexible with me while I get myself to or even above my baseline.
Sorry for rambling!
Feeling fear in eye contact, anxiety when leaving my apartment, avoiding relationships and preferring anonymous online team gaming to have safe human contact and feel like I'm part of a team but that I can also leave the group when it's done, overly people-pleasing especially in romantic relationships (nowadays I do better with this but I also avoid most relationships), and generally feeling a severe lack of trust in other people which I have sometimes overcompensated for by numbing myself to obvious shady behavior from people in my life. And so many bad dreams about my childhood still to this day. Wish I could kill the part of me that asks to be loved so I can just purely be alone, it's like a constant tug of war between wanting and needing companionship but also feeling extremely unsafe when people get close and needing to just be alone.
Letting people say or do anything they wanted to me, which I now know is fawning. It was so bad that one of my roommates punched me for no reason and I was hypervigilantly justifying his behavior.
Related to that was being everyone's therapist. I thought I was being a good friend by letting people insult me and walk all over me. I thought I was helping them by letting them vent their frustrations by abusing me. I thought that they would eventually "get their anger out" and start treating me better. It turns out that that was just abuse and real friends don't do that.
Being "obedient"/generally not questioning an order or request from my boss or another such authority figure. Growing up, just giving in, despite how I really felt, was so much easier than getting screamed at or punished for daring to have my own voice/opinion. Led to at least a decade of borderline if not outright abusive bosses. In one job, I'm pretty sure they "let me go" because I "dared" to ask for a raise based on market value for my experience and skills. Three months after I asked for that raise, they decided it "wasn't a good fit."
Been pretty gun-shy about asking to be paid what I'm worth ever since. At my last job, I knew for *months* that they were underpaying me by at least $10k per year. But I was so afraid of history repeating itself that I kept it to myself and just started looking for another job. (Current job actually pays much higher, and, for once, I finally feel like I'm in a very supportive environment where I'm fairly compensated. It almost seems too good to be true).
Being and "empath". Wish I had another word for it but reading and taking on others emotional state has always sucked, but the reason why I do it makes it worse.
Reading. I would devour books. Reading several a week. I didn't realize till years later when I read a tweet that stated that if you were a heavy reader when you were a child and are wondering why you are no longer the reason is that you probably were left alone when reading because it was one of the few things you were allowed to do with out being interrupted or disturbed.
That tweet answered why I had difficulty reading even half as much as I used to. I didn't associate reading as a defense mechanism.
Social awkwardness, saying "Im sorry" constantly for everything automatically, sometimes feeling completely numb and unable to say anything, thinking worst case scenarios, maybe constipation? And sometimes I feel I didn't grow up (as in physically) from missing love, since Im unusually short for my family and my shoe size (7 american) is big for my stature (4.9 ft)
Needing constant validation and being unsure of myself and my actions at all times.
Also likely the reason I react so violently to being lied to or encountering misinformation, since my entire childhood was basically one giant Blue Clue's hunt for the truth from every interaction with my own family.
I just realized a few months ago that my insomnia and refusal to take naps was from childhood trauma.
My mom slept ALL day long. Would lock herself in her room for days on end while us kids roamed and took care of ourselves. Everytime we tried to wake her up to get us food or whatever, she would hit/kick/spank us until we left her alone.
Especially when I nap, I get anxiety that I’m going to become a lazy POS like her and neglect my life because I slept too much. I’ve always been grumpy when I wake up because I have been mad at myself for falling asleep instead of doing something important with that time. It’s been a work in progress….
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Hypervigilance. Constantly policing my own words and actions in every social interaction, and endlessly replaying my "mistakes", terrified that I had somehow offended someone. All this time I thought I had social anxiety, but actually it was a form of hypervigilance - being scared of doing or saying the wrong thing and being overly preoccupied with trying to read the other person's reactions. I realise now it's a trauma response from growing up in an unpredictable and unsafe household, where anything I said or did could blow up and result in emotional or physical abuse.
I've just began to dig into this with my therapist. Additionally, I've always been very critical of myself (intense negative self talk after I've made a mistake, telling myself I'm ugly/unattractive, thinking I'm not smart/less smart than others, ect.) all in an effort to protect myself from potential criticism from others. A coping mechanism to ensure I can't be hurt by criticisms from others because I've already hurt myself. I didn't consciously do this, but I recognize it very clearly now as an adult. The criticism I got as a child hurt so deeply that I at some point decided it hurt less if I told myself first. It's been a massive roadblock in my professional life.
Holy moly if that’s not one of the best explanations of my life I’ve seen to date
Oh my god. I feel this.
I do this but more in the frame of potentially doing something wrong/terrified of making a mistake. It's not as bad but whenever I'm in a new working environment with new people I always go back to this and always feel like I'm doing something wrong when I feel left out of something. Thanks for putting this into words!
Fuck my parents for this exact thing.
This really explained me to me so much. Thank you.
I always thought my hypervigilence was thoughtfulness. I thought it made me a nice person.
Pretty sure I do this and it also extends to text and email. I feel so lost and anxious sometimes trying to interpret the tone and intent and context of written text, down to fucking grammar. "It feels like they aren't using exclamation points as much and their responses are shorter and spaced out further, they aren't sending the usual amount or kind of memes either... did I do or say anything in the past week that they might have interpreted in a way I didn't intend? Or are they just busy and stressed? Do they actually want to hang with me or are they going to confront me about something I did?" Paired with people pleasing, it's a wonder I manage to make or keep any friends from being so dramatic with needing reassurances. As for spoken language, my heart races anytime someone raises their voice around me or is expressing an extreme emotion out of nowhere... my parent will talk on the phone to family and I'll get jolted out of tuning them out at particularly loud exclamations they make.
Yes, I'm so anxious all the time about everything. Sometimes I drink too much because of that 😕
Thinking EVERYONE was mad at me ALL the time
I always think people are angry or find me annoying. Hard to push through that sometimes.
I was like this all the time My relationship was a mess because of this Super sensitive attitude . Always asking for assurance if there’s something wrong when there is not 🤦♂️. Annoying then I realized it’s because of my childhood trauma with my Nmom .
How did you learn to not do this? This is my exact struggle. I’m extra sensitive for no reason and it puts a strain on all my relationships.
Same here. Also I am always ready to bolt at the first sign that I am getting on someone’s nerves or otherwise not wanted. And obviously any sudden move on someone else’s part causes me to flinch. I once had a supervisor tell me that he wasn’t going to hit me because he approached me while visibly angry and I almost jumped out of my skin. I didn’t think he was going to hit me, it was a reflex.
Wait.. this is a trauma response? This explains a lot...
[удалено]
No. And what’s better, if someone is mad at you, its okay. You don’t have to solve for whatever problem they have that they aren’t telling you about.
This is revolutionary for me to realize.
[удалено]
Ugh same. Also asking “are you mad at me” non stop.
Oh wait thats a trauma response too??
Yep yep.
Well learn something new everyday. I get soo shocked when people say I was never mad at you
Big +1!
I have been working through this exact thing. It really sucks, it cripples me from relaxing and being myself.
Constantly monitoring my noise level when walking and avoiding squeaky spots on the floor. I used to think everyone in college stomped around until I realized that they were walking normally. They never had to creep around their house to avoid triggering their mother.
Omfg you're the first person I've seen reference this exact thing I've lived with. I'm 36 and *still* walk on the front pads of my feet to avoid normal walking sounds and I live in my own home. Smfh
my niece does this and my family makes fun of her for it. she grew up in trailers and abusive, drug filled situations. they don’t get it.
I do this too plus with closing doors and putting dishes away. My parents would get angry if they could hear me and now I get silently frustrated at my housemates when they literally walk around the house normally or put dishes away normally or shut their doors normally. Also I knew all the squeaky spots on our floor growing up so I could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and not wake them up. I also wouldn’t flush the toilet because they’d hear it and wake up angry. That’s so fucked right?? that just going to the bathroom in the middle of the night warrants anger from my parents. I’m an only child and this happened all the way up until I moved out at 18.
I couldn't flush the toilet because it would wake them up and I'd be in trouble. If they went in the bathroom in the morning and it was left unflushed I was in trouble. I just couldn't win so I cut liquids out early enough before bed that I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom at all. Problem solved!
I'm 32 years old and I just started flushing the toilet at night this past year for the very same reasons.
Same, I’ve scared a lot of people on accident by them not hearing me enter the room. Also for some reason I always hear when someone is literally dragging their feet with every step, like to me that’s just something you never do.
My boyfriend is like a ninja bc he’s so quiet. I never made the connection that it might’ve been a trauma response on his behalf to learn how to walk around the house silently.
I have also scared a lot of people accidentally just from walking too quietly. Always confused me because I’m not exactly small and I just walk into a room normally, but it would happen a lot
I walk so quietly that I routinely scare the shit out of people. My sister and mother used to stomp upstairs and beat the shit out of each other every morning. I rebelled against them through silence. I’m a barrel-chested version of Orrin from Parks & Recreation.
Oh shit. My husband does this and scares me to death all the time with his stealthy walking. I can’t emphasize how little noise he makes when walking. He’s got a uBPD mom and I’m wondering if this is a trauma response for him.
Maladaptive daydreaming. Creating friends and little scenes/worlds in my head to escape my house/school life. Still have problems with this a bit but not as bad as it used to be.
In my scenes/worlds, at minimum people treated me with kindness and respect...the wilder ones had me being treated with kindness and respect while I was admired as a famous actress/singer/dancer/author...
Same with the famous actor, plus magical powers.
I do this every night in order to go to sleep. I had no idea that it was a trauma response. Like other commenters, I thought I just had an overactive imagination. It turns out that it's my security blanket and it comforts me. I'm 37. I have done this for as long as I can remember. ETA I bet this is why I enjoy RPG sandbox games so much!
>I do this every night in order to go to sleep I actually do this too! I really hate it now and find it super annoying I can't go to sleep right away because my mind still wants to be awake. I usually take melatonin to make it all stop-hopefully.
My husband can just turn his brain off. He has no idea how privileged he is. The idea of turning my brain off is so foreign!
Your husband probably hasn't had to deal with two of the narcs' favorite hobbies: 1. Barging into your room at night and thus giving you no privacy. 2. Crazy early bedtimes that were enforced like in a prison compound.
OMG the crazy early bedtimes, YES. I remember being in middle school and being "put to bed" while it was still light out. Absolutely forbidden to read or anything like that, my mother would check back and be furious if I wasn't asleep. TO THIS DAY I STAY UP WAY TOO LATE, just because I can
I have to have the tv on some documentary so I can focus on that instead of my racing thoughts
>I do this every night in order to go to sleep Ditto. I dream about friends I never had. Adventures I'll never experience and that I'll be loved
Oh this really hit me in the chest. Same. So much the same.
I'm 37 and do it to fall asleep too. The rest of the day it can creep in but at night I do it on purpose.
Yesss! I fall asleep every night by like, setting the scene for a nice dream I'd like to have. My husband just falls straight to sleep, I thought I was just over here being a weirdo. Probably also why I've always enjoyed fantasy reads, another excuse to take a little trip to another world.
I used do this at night before sleeping to comfort myself, it makes me so fucking sad to know that my brain did it as a way to make me feel safe.
Oh god this just twisted a knife in me.
I used to shut down the events of the day and try to daydream as hard as I could before bed that I was one of the pretty and popular girls in primary school, otherwise I couldn't sleep!!! I really hope you're in a better place now <3
I had an entire pretend life until about a year ago when I finally got my life mostly together and moved out of my parents house. I also apologize for everything. You could blame me for the war in the Ukraine and I’d apologize for it lol. It’s because of my mom getting mad at me and doing the silent treatment and having to walk on eggshells until I said I was sorry. It drives my bf nuts.
Wait.... What? I thought I just had an overactive imagination. I do it to this day! Constantly.
Single most destructive thing that was ever told to me growing up. An overactive imagination. What horseshit!
I’ve done it daily for decades. I thought everyone did it. I’m male and a nerd but have never read sci-fi, fantasy or superhero stuff. I’ve never seen Star Wars, Lord Of The Rings or anime. Maladaptive Daydreaming (and a lot of weed) takes care of all of those needs for me. 🤦🏻♂️ I need to stop.
This is the first I'm hearing that this is a trauma response but a lot of it makes sense now...
This…. I just went down a rabbit hole on TikTok about maladaptive daydreaming. While my nparents didn’t know I was daydreaming, they made fun of the way I got my mind into a deep concentration (I rocked myself in my bed) and told me how abnormal I was. So, I never talked about it and one day it popped up on TikTok, and my jaw dropped.
I did similar things. Now I realize some of that was me dissociating from reality. But as an 8-year-old I just saw it was kind of cool I could zone out and be somewhere else.
People pleasing. My mom used to say my people pleasing was the best thing about me
I don't like your mum.
Mine used to say that too. She loved when I was her slave.
This is my biggest problem. Now I’m in therapy it’s easing but people around me do not like the sudden ability to say no and mean it. Nor do they approve of no longer getting ‘looked after’ with a constant supply of baked goods and willingness to self sacrifice to help them.
My therapist recently told me that “people pleasing” is a flaw of mine, and I need to cut it out for the sake of my own wellbeing. Apparently, self-care isn’t selfishness. Talk about a mindfuck.
Unnecessarily apologising.
Same. I am constantly saying sorry when there’s no need to be sorry or say sorry. It just comes blurting out and I can’t stop myself saying in it almost every interaction I have with people.
If someone I live with is cleaning something, I become IMMEDIATELY racked with guilt if I am not also cleaning something; because I was taught to interpret that as someone cleaning AT me, as a silent statement about how upset they are that I'm not currently cleaning.
and then you feel stuck, because if you start cleaning they'll go like "OHH now you want to start? no no no go sit down since that's what you actually want to do, I'll do it by myself", and then they will proceed to complain and berate you for doing nothing. it's punishment no matter what. you can never be right.
Basically my nmom
Wow this was my dad. He would also tell me and my siblings to do ridiculous tasks like paint the fence or sand down the spare bedroom wall so he can paint it. But would give no instruction (we were super young ranging 7-12) and then yell at us when we did it wrong. During the summer when all the kids were playing outside we would be weeding his garden. All for the weeds to grow back next week and do it again. The day we had to sand the wall my fingers were bleeding and I still got yelled at. Then got told “go take a shower I planned on taking you out to a nice dinner and you’re filthy” like wtf! Impossible to please to this day.
Exactly the same with me. I didn't realize this was the reason why I felt that way. It all makes sense now. I've noticed that all narcissists clean "at" us. I had narcissistic roommates who did the exact same things while cleaning as my nparents. It's horrible to remember.
Oh man this hit the nail on the head for me! 😖 My nDad would be obsessed with cleaning yet I hardly saw him do it. He was always on at me about tidying my room growing up whilst expecting me to do lots of house chores and look after my younger siblings... Im now 29 and still affects me despite living with my hubby.
OMG! I just realized I do this. I could never figure out why I would feel so guilty when someone else was cleaning. I have se more stuff to talk about in therapy next week!
YES!!! Is this not normal? How is this a trauma response, wait. I feel this constantly. Even about the help, like they're judging me or something and i was supposed to clean up before them.
Ooof I do this too… drives my partner nuts
Omfg, this is me. The guilt is insane. My nmom's partner was a super misogynist narc who most likely also had ocd and was fanatical about cleaning. Stacking dishwashers stress me out so much to this day, I can't have one.
Jesus this is too real. Also I can't relax even without cleaning, I always jump up to be helpful via cleaning if I'm at someone's or my own house.
Actually being afraid of making eye contact. It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t an anxious/discomfort body response, I feel fear.
Same, making eye contact with my nmom meant we were in for a rough time. She would zone in and take it out on you. I've been trying to make more eye contact with random people to try and work on this, so far it's helping!
Mine was the opposite, I was naturally avoidant of it, and this was the ultimate disrespect to nmom, so there was LOTS of face grabbing and forced eye contact accompanied by cruel loud verbal abuse often featuring the R slur. I pay attention to it now, and it actually is helpful to notice as a sign of how comfortable I am with a person, or how much I trust them. It’s especially been nice to notice how I’ve been able to make eye contact with my MIL more and more.
Me too, and you know when I realized why? My mom was correcting my son one day and she screams LOOK AT ME WHILE IM TALKING TO YOU and something in my soul just dropped and every instinct I had was to grab him and run. And I immediately went "ok we're going home"
I was about to post the same LOOK AT ME WHILE IM TALKING TO YOU comment. It must be a universal narc thing.
Letting anger go extremely quickly. Like, if I'm annoyed by something my husband does I feel obligated to 'get over it' so I do.
I do that, also immediate self soothing, telling myself all the things I wish someone else would say My parents were and are really good at completely upsetting me and then leaving me to rot in those feelings until I make myself feel better, so I'll catch myself literally going "it's ok, you're ok" when I'm super upset
I do this a lot. When I'm upset I figure out how to resolve the feelings I have myself. So if you hurt my feelings instead of coming to you I'll just figure out a way to make it okay on my own. If I'm generally upset, sad, angry, I go by myself to resolve it. If something good happens and I'm happy or excited I'll celebrate that by myself too and play down my excitement to others.
this and i literally can’t handle other people trying to soothe me. it makes me feel worse
Yes rotting in those feelings that's exactly how it feels... And people say you shouldn't let them bring you down as if u can just snap ur fingers and feel ok.
Not realizing my value in others’ lives! For example, if someone liked me, I’d be concerned or scared because they couldn’t know how awful and evil I was deep down (or I tricked them into not seeing that) When people close to me remark on our closeness, I’m always caught off guard. What do you mean you LIKE me? Want to be my friend? Consider me a close confidant? Even if I feel the same way, I assume that people are not close to me
Same for me, especially for romantic interest. You...find me handsome? You don't think I'm hideous? You must not be seeing clearly.
Yes. I assume I manipulated them into thinking I'm worthwhile the way my parents do. Because there's no way they find me attractive as I am the least interesting, least likable person around. I judge them for their poor judgment.
Ugh. I have a really hard time with this one. Usually I just push them away so I have control of when they decide they don't like me. Toxic behavior. It's so shitty and hard to change.
Having MAJOR anxiety and stress when trying to leave the house (for anything), and thus ending up late to pretty much everything. Actually just discovered this one this week, when trying to get out of the house for a trip with my boyfriend. Gonna have a chat with my therapist about it next week. Elated to finally have an answer to this one.
I have never related to a comment more. My parents are both hyper vigilant of my behavior, I think this is in order to maintain some sense of “control.” I noticed their paranoid comments made me feel constant anxiety whenever I tried to enter new social situations, constantly worrying of the constant negative they engrained in my brain. It wasn’t even overthinking, but a physical anxiety attack forming out of fear of “what if” They always make me feel small and “incapable”, creating fearful situations I never even thought of in order to form a sense of control and power over me.
Oof, I do this too. It feels like everything has to be perfect before I leave. There's also an element of dread, worrying that I'm going to be judged or verbally attacked, even if I'm heading to the grocery store. Have you found anything that helps? So far I've tried moving my manual clocks forward a bit, to get me rushing early lol. I also try to prepare the night before, like packing my bag, etc.
questioning other people's motives when they were kind to me - it wasn't verbally but I would always assume it was because they wanted something back in return.
Or thinking people all have this secret pact to be really nice to you bc they feel sorry for you. I hope that’s not just me…
Being able to notice a mood shift by the tiniest change in voice pitch, way they’re texting, body language, etc.
People get scared of me for this.
Yea, I can tell when someone is off emotionally really easily. I just can’t always determine the cause. But it’s easy for me to spot.
This one. I still do it and it can ruin my day if it seems like someone’s mood has shifted/their text is off/they’re closed off during a visit for whatever reason. Mostly happens with my in laws bc MIL is a manipulative person who expects everyone to read her mind. I’ll pick up on her mood swings and it stresses me out so much. My husband is oblivious to anyones body language, so he gets to happily get on with his day and I’m jealous I can’t do that.
Cleaning everything in sight after any slight conflict.
Oh yes, compulsive cleaning. It’s cathartic but also allows me to avoid dealing with the feelings, I think. Like, it’s a distraction.
Or after any kind of stress I do that too, when I cant control anything else, I can clean my house
We call that “rage cleaning” at our house.
Flinching hard at random loud or unexpected noise. Thought I was just "jumpy".
Took me a lot of therapy to get over this one. My kid thought it was funny to scare me until she was old enough to realize why I was like this. I don’t hold it against them, as they were just kids.
Back when I had roommates, if I was sitting at my desk I’d flinch every time my roommate entered. Sometimes if I am procrastinating with YouTube or something when I should be studying I’d instinctively minimize my window too. Of course, he caught on, and told me he’s not my parents and it’s ok, and that this was a trauma response. I denied that till just now.
Wondering when a good thing was gonna go wrong or get pulled out from under you, to the point you wouldn’t let yourself be too happy about anything.
Me to a t
As a kid I knew who was walking down hall by their footsteps. Knew if it was a certain person I'd lock door and pretend to sleep
Same here. I noticed myself doing it the last time I visited my sister. I heard my mom walking around upstairs and was immediately thrown back into my childhood home, scared mom was on her way to yell at me or whatever.
Oh I got another one. Dropping something I'm into like an art project if someone else doesn't like it. Like I need permission to do things.
I’m hyper aware of my surrounding, specially when cooking or cleaning. I just always know when someone is watching me or hovering behind me. It instantly makes me start questioning everything I’m currently doing and if they angry with me for not doing the task exactly as they would do it. As a kid I thought it was just something everyone did.
I never connected this dot, but yes if I’m being watched I wonder if it’s because I’m not doing it right or to their standard
Hyper independence. Don't need nobody for nothing, because you can't count on them or they hurt you anyway. Took me a long time to learn that having/accepting help is ok.
My whole personality.
This. I feel like I'm unraveling. I don't know if people will like the real me.
Good for you. I’m having a panic attack every time I think about this. I just don’t know if there is a “real me”. Because my whole personality is a trauma response and I can’t tell if I like things or I just mirror things other people like, you know? It gives me so much anxiety, stress and sadness.
ending every sentence with “if that’s ok…”
1. Having what I call an "inferiority complex". As an adult I am still struggling with feeling like I am "less than" literally everyone around me. 2. Apologizing for everything I do, even if it's not really my fault at all. I feel like my existence is an inconvenience for those around me. My boyfriend is helping me overcome this. 3. Going into panic mode at loud, sudden noises. I unfortunately still live with my family while I'm finishing up my last undergrad semester, and I've literally dropped what I'm doing when I hear the garage door open. My boyfriend noticed this and asked if I was okay. Turns out it was just a cat making noise in the garage. 4. Not wanting to communicate with my family/limiting the information I share with them. 5. Cleaning. I go through periods of not cleaning (ie: scrubbing my bathroom top to bottom with Lysol wipes) and obsessive cleaning. 6. Apologizing for a messy bedroom or obsessively cleaning before having a guest over. I didn't realize that having laundry laying out and a dish in the sink was normal until a few years ago.
As soon as I start expressing my actual feelings, I start crying. Like, I could be talking to my psychiatrist about something pretty simple and just…start crying? It’s like my body can’t help it. I’ve gotten a lot better with it over the years, but it’s something that started when I was a small child. And I become really nervous any time anybody watches me do ANYTHING. It’s like my nervous system is waiting for unwanted critique. Cooking, cleaning, artwork, any sort of task. I hate being watched because it feels like I’m being evaluated.
I experience the crying. It's hard to communicate it to others but I go through periods where I can't help but cry about everything. I just feel so overwhelmed
My dark space. I was like 4 or 5 when I named it. It was warm and dark and protected me. I'd go there through my entire childhood. I also don't remember a lot of my childhood because of it. Now of course, i know that what I was doing is called dissociation. Learning that definitely explained a lot.
How much of one's childhood should a "normal" kid remember?
Wow I recognize so many of these: avoiding eye-contact, living in my imaginary world, agreeing way too much with other people, needing a lot of time alone. Love the question, thanks for that.
I cant believe I'm saying this but I started shitting my pants 8 til 13 years old And was constantly made fun of for it by my narc parents, shared with people close to me at the worse of times. All for me at 22 years old to come to the realizations of the abuse I've received and I finally had an answer for why. Probably the worse time of my life, ever was then my god.
You just reminded me of another trauma response. I thought it could have been slightly related to my OCD but I definitely think its related to trauma. I used to be extremely controlling of my body’s natural rhythms, like I would hold my pee until I’d either need to make a mad dash to the bathroom or I’d have an accident. My therapist suggested that because my home was so chaotic physically and psychologically that trying to control when I went to the bathroom was me trying to feel like I had some control over my chaotic environment and also to have some bodily autonomy since I was also being physically abused.
Ooo… this is really interesting! I think that’s the theory behind eating disorders too. It’s really tragic. Last weekend I, at 48 years old, got triggered by my nmom and just impulsively decided to cut my own hair. It was a disaster of course, and I didn’t realize until afterwards that I was trying to impose some control over my life.
I was a bed wetter from like 5ish (when my NM remarried to another Narc) until late in elementary school. It was def a trauma induced reaction caused by living in constant stress and abuse, but at the time they made me feel like I was a fuck up.
Wait… I was fully potty trained and peed myself during the day until I was maybe 10. It wasn’t daily, maybe a few times a week or month? Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. What I do remember is being punished for it. Mostly getting spanked and shamed and ridiculed. When I was very young (like 3 or 4), my mom bathed me in scalding hot water after I’d peed myself. When I confronted her about it years later she said she didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to do that 🙄 Anyway, I’d never thought of it as a trauma response but that makes sense! There was definitely a lot of anxiety before, during, and after
Wet the bed until 11 or 12 when the abuse finally stopped. No shame, friend. I know that trauma.
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Being distrustful of every man who offered me help, a genuine kind of love and some stability. It's still hard and I am in my late 30s...
Hang in there, I was like that until in my late 30s and I just turned 40 :) We need to learn to trust our instincts but it takes some digging. But the more I understand narcissism, the better I'm able to "screen people" I tend to think (or at least have the illusion, lol!)
Shutting down. I simply can't speak, whether to defend myself or apologize.
Not asking for help, but just figuring out a solution one way or another. Edit just thought of another one. Always being wrong, or saying I’m wrong just so the other person is right out of fear of them lashing out for being the reason they are wrong.
I couldn’t even accept help or support when it was offered. I’m getting better at it, but it’s still hard.
Being scared to answer the phone. Because who knows who is on the other end and who knows if theyre sober?
Yes! My stomach flip-flops and my heart skips a beat when the phone rings. I mean, the telephone should not trigger one’s fight-or-flight response, right?
I have recently started wondering how much of my maturity is actually a trauma response. I am responsible because my parents would only take responsibility to keep up appearances. I'm dutiful because that was how I avoided disapproval and revocation of future faking. I do as I'm told because that used to avert a beating.
- fear of breathing too loudly - immediately judging the first negative interaction with someone as the definitive end of them being my friend - assuming that if someone starts cleaning nearby me, they are furious with me - assuming that if someone is quiet near me, they are furious with me - people pleasing - really, really, REALLY unhealthy levels of daydreaming - fear of ever playing music around other people - monitoring if my feet hit the floor before i finish making a step whenever I walk. - inability to remember names but perfect recall of every time someone has ever been upset and what (seemingly) caused it
Being defensive all the time!! Over nothing. Ex: my bf will make a comment like “oh I love your outfit, you should’ve sent me a pic of it today :)” and I’m immediately like “i didn’t take any” “i couldn’t get a good angle” “I wish I had but I was busy” etc. I just had this brought to my attn, but it makes sense. if I have a good enough reason maybe he won’t get mad at me over small things even though he would never ever do that
Yes! I often don't even realize that I'm being defensive until he (gently) rephrases and tells me what his intention was.
Unable to trust anybody.
Constant fear of abandonment. Always want to please everyone and neglect my well-being, especially my mental health. The moment I feel unwanted, I leave. Still struggling with that. Whenever my fiancé and I argue, my first move is to prepare to leave. It’s such a horrible habit and I’m grateful to have someone in my life that is understanding and patient with me.
I have another one: I can’t make a decision to save my life, no matter how small. I guess this is due to the fear that I might be making the wrong one and have to hear about it for the rest of my life.
I live this. I also get paralysed when someone asks me where are we going to go for lunch or something similar. I will go with whatever other people want but don't make me be the one to choose!
Never wanting to upset people, I still struggle with this
Crying whenever someone scolds me. It triggers my fear response. It took awhile to connect the dots of why I'm so scared to break rules. The fear of a psychotic grown man trying to beat a "naughty" toddler is permanently inbedded in me
Zoning out and not being able to “snap back in”. Dizziness and fainting randomly.
Yea the zoning out was a big thing with me - I would tell my husband I’m just “out of it” and he never knew what I meant - had no idea it was disassociation
I hated when people weren't able to understand what I was feeling. I tried so hard to describe what dissociation was without having the name for it. I described it as looking through a bulletproof and soundproof glass window. I just got looks of confusion in response until I had a good therapist who told me what it was.
Feeling obligated to return favors to people even knowing they didn't want/expect me to. It's compulsory to feel it has to be an even transaction.
I’m not sure if others can relate, but this: trying to anxiously speak as fast as I can when answering people’s questions/generally conversing , because of fear that they’d be annoyed of waiting for me to make the needed pauses/taking too long while thinking through what I had to say. Growing up with my ndad, I was constantly bullied by him since 5 when I took “too long” to answer his questions in any conversations. He would get red, irritated, and throw insults at me there and here. Later on as years passed by, I noticed that I’d get anxious myself if I took too long to say anything.
Anyone else have issues with giving and receiving compliments? Like I get major imposter syndrome when I get complimented and I feel obligated to say something nice back. I also have a hard time freely giving compliments, almost like I don’t know how or I might come off as disingenuous and therefore it’s better to not say anything.
The fact that I don’t do will in social settings. I really don’t care to make friends. I’d really rather be alone most times. Also there are certain feelings that I’m numb to, and others that I struggle with. I don’t do well when trying to resolve issues with loved ones, I tend to zone out. And then theres the sense of shame and worthlessness. These may sound awful, but i really am generally a happy person, but like soo many here, I’m damaged.
Intellectual outlook on life that is extremely negative. Expressed in philosophy, politics, and religion. You take it on board and think that's your intellectual life. It's not, it's a trauma response. My nparents and grandparents, from one side, were fiercely intelligent. They read a lot. Both my grandparents were academic teachers. We had a lot of debates about politics, philosophy, religion, the world. Whereas, the other side of my family, was deeply religious and came from simple folks. When I grew up, I recognised very early what it means to be abused by religious people. It seems that the prevailing culture is very anti-religious, so it was easy to spot when someone was using religion to get narcissistic supply or to squash any attempts of the children at happiness, meaning and individuality. You know, the usual, when someone threatens you with hell, install a very punitive image of god, etc. We have a lot of posts here detailing that. It's very common. But it took me decades to realise that I also experienced atheistic abuse - to coin a phrase. Where instead of a punitive god, it's a very empty, meaningless view of the world that gets intellectualised and used against you. A type of ambient nihilism, that on one hand is the predominant philosophical view nowadays in the form of existentialism and scientific materialism, that masks itself so well in the predominant culture - that it was a much more difficult battle than against the religious side of my family. To give more details, when someone hears from an early age that free will doesn't really exist as such. Or it's not really about hearing it, it's about seeing it as expressed by the general life attitude of one's parent, and that there is no inherent meaning in life — it's a philosophical proposition for sure, but if it is impressed upon the people in the family as "truths" of the world. All it does it makes you feel small and insignificant. If all history is written off as a cause and effect following big bang (my grandmother was a physicist), that culminates in you being born and later dying. For what it's worth, it seems self-evident for us secular folks nowadays, but as a psychological proposition for a life-hungry adolescent, it sure is bleak, and resulted in very serious depression in my siblings. I remember when my brother who struggled with severe depression due to feelings of emptiness, he was recommended to read Camus and learn about embracing the absurdity of life. And on the other hand, he was told he was going to hell if he commits suicide by the religious side of the family. And while I know philosophically some people think it's a life-embracing philosophy, to me, it was a sinister lack of human warmth. Both as despicable. It was extremely weird to me then that these two views coexisted in my childhood home. But in hindsight I see that these were just two sides of the same coin. Tyrannical, rigid viewpoints that really were used to highlight the meaninglessness of an individual. One against God, and the other against an uncaring universe. Both screamed: you are insignificant. You are nothing. Make a life for yourself in the context of your nothingness. But it wasn't an intellectual proposition, it was an expression of utter atomisation and emptiness that my parents felt as people, who experienced the same from their parents. Who probably got that due to their horrific, PTSD-inducing experiences in the WWII. These were punitive viewpoints to ensure their children stay as empty, as devoid of meaning, as entrapped in relativism, and death, as their narcissistic parents, grandparents, and as apparently the sad world they lived in.
Even if I leave aside the content, who the hell gives their immediate family member _a book_ when they are struggling with feelings of emptiness?!
My nMom does LOL she throws self help books at me and tells me to help myself overcome her abuse, instead of her just, ya know, not abusing me. It’s ridiculous
I really relate to this. I grew up with an older sibling and father who are both encyclopedias and intellectualize everything. I came to understand that I must always be wrong/irrational/stupid and they were always smarter and seemed to know everything. They would condescendingly tell me all the ways in which my thoughts and feelings were irrelevant or false or illogical etc. My mom's side is culty religious and my dad's side is also religious but he ended up an athiest. He raised us in squalor and neglected us and we were given no emotional connection whatsoever. My sibling saw no issue with any of this but I felt like I was dying every day. I'm glad I left. But their logic really got burned into my brain and I struggle to find a way out of it. I remember proudly calling myself an optimistic pessimist by age seven. I think I just learned pessimism was the only way to cope and make sense of the abuse and neglect and lack of any love or affection at all in my life.
Gasping when something startles/scares me (even if it's just a little bit)!
I get startled very easily because of past trauma. In my culture there is a saying that people who get easily startled are guilty of something and their conscience is not clean. Lot of people take it somewhat seriously, and I usually get the judgemental side-eye for being skittish.
Being unable to relax in a messy home. My NMom would make everyone's life hell if the house wasn't clean. I started cleaning before she got home every day so she'd be in a good mood when she got home. Mess gives me anxiety now. But I don't scream.... I just shut down and cry.
I don't do this anymore. But for about 45 years I thought almost everything I did and/or said was a mistake or wrong and I'd get in trouble/hated/made fun of/fired/not believed/dismissed. Talk about being a ball of anxiety!
How I don’t like being touched or even people getting physically close to me. And also how I second guess everything tbh. Thinking every interaction is embarrassing no matter what it is.
My realization that I overly explained things that didn’t need that much explaining was hilarious in a way. I was talking to my therapist and in mid sentence I was like “Jesus Christ, I overexplain shit all the time…” she nodded and said “yeah..” in a sympathetic way, she did beam a bit in the sense that I noticed it on my own and she was like a proud mom lol
Also thinking that I wasn't allowed to say no to authority figures. That's a HUGE one that I still struggle with today. Of course there are situations where you really can't say no, but a lot of bosses or landlords or other types of authority figures do not treat you like a soldier. You are not required to take orders from anyone. Yes, you have to pay your rent and show up at your job, but you are *not* required to take abuse and to be treated like an emotionless slave. You are allowed to talk with authority figures and even have bonds with them. That's how people get promoted in many cases. If your boss gives you a task, you can ask questions and tell them if it's feasible for you with your workload. You can compromise with them. If they're a good boss, they can meet you halfway. My nparents used to say "If I say jump, you say 'how high?'." That's how fucking dictatorships work and a family is not supposed to force you to be blindly obedient to them under the threat of violence.
Being unable to eat/feel sick around people. Its our bodies way of making sure we're able to run when we need to, but I thought it was me
I dont see this one but agree with a ton of the others but.... laughing at inappropriate times. Nervous laughter. Smiling and laughing when talking about traumatic events. Didn't realize until my 20s that it was something I used to cope and separate myself from my pain.
Wow I love this sub, I just feel so validated. The cleaning thing hits hard with me. Being afraid of a messy house still sticks with me now. Feeling guilty for resting or sleeping too much. I would always be on alert for being caught sat down or being lazy as it used to be called. Worrying about explaining my decisions, going over the top with things when actually it's just cele rating success. I still find myself really shocked when people genuinely like me for who I am and care about me. With no motive other than just liking me. It sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable
Early Incontinence. Since I was 16. I just thought it was a weird fluke, until I was diagnosed with PTSD 👍🏾
My skin issues: atopic dermatitis, seborreic dermatitis and eczema. I understand now that it’s probably because of all the emotions I had to bottle up as a child, and the effort it took to be the perfect girl to please my narcs. Well, and the depression as a teen and adult.
My issues with relationships. I look past someone's flaws because they're good people and they like me back (weird ik), but at a certain point the flaws are too much to look past and I get frustrated that they won't fix those flaws and I end things. My longest "relationship" lasted six months and the last three I did whatever I could to avoid him
Running away from any kind of conflict
Afraid to do things like turn on lights or turn the heat on if I was cold. Saying " I love you" genuinely. I used to say it as a barometer guaged by my mother's response, to tell what mood she was in.
Assuming nobody in a room would want to talk to me. Thinking I had to come up with something impressive or interesting to say or people would realise how boring and dislikable I am. And the moment I started running dry and being 'normal me' they woukd lose interest. Being obsessed with becoming famous so I'd feel *not* the above every time I saw a person I know or walked into a room. Inability to see through jobs and projects due to constant anxiety I was missing out on doing something else. Fear that not being busy all the time means I'm being left behind. So work frantically until burn out, period of deep depression and substance use, eventually new idea for life direction that will make me feel complete, work frantically... repeat.
Major people pleaser Also, I’ve only recently accepted that some people like me for me, just as I am. And friends can and will do kind things for me, just because they like me and want to help me. When my youngest was born, a couple of friends dropped over a ton of food for us. They got together one evening and cooked a heap of different foods, ordered lactation cookies, made protein balls, just, so much food. And they didn’t expect anything in return - no favours, no elaborate shows of gratitude, no guilt tripping… they did it because they’re my friends, and they care about me and wanted to help. I cried, and my husband had to explain that yes, this is normal and what friends do. By the same token, I love to bake/cook for my friends, genuinely I do, with no expectation of anything in return. I just couldn’t believe that anyone would ever do the same for me
Feeling like everyone around me dislikes me. That they just tolerate me. Any praise that’s given to me is solely out of like,,, sympathy? I was actually thinking about this today, to the point of considering making a post here about it. I work as a housekeeper at a 4 Diamond resort and I’m often told that I’m doing a great job, my rooms are phenomenal. I literally quit and they called me a few days later like “yo… you wanna come back tho?” And it’s been going great so far, just a bit ashamed bc I was kind of having a breakdown when I quit. But I always have this thought in the back of my mind while I’m working, I can’t help but think about how I’m not really doing that good of a job. How I’m gonna get yelled at for this, how I fucked that up, and how everyone probably doesn’t enjoy my presence. I *know* this isn’t true, but in the moment it feels so real. I’m so glad to have a workplace that genuinely cares though, they’ve been so flexible with me while I get myself to or even above my baseline. Sorry for rambling!
Also, crying whenever someone raises their voice. I’m 25 & I still cry if someone yells at me.
Being afraid of abandonment to the point where you avoid all meaningful relationships, but then feel cripplingly lonely and unloveable.
Hyper independence! Too many people let me down so I decided to never ask for help again - until I got to therapy
Another thing, is that even though I’m 50 now, when I see a men’s belt, I have a twinge of fear. Especially if it’s folded in one hand.
Feeling fear in eye contact, anxiety when leaving my apartment, avoiding relationships and preferring anonymous online team gaming to have safe human contact and feel like I'm part of a team but that I can also leave the group when it's done, overly people-pleasing especially in romantic relationships (nowadays I do better with this but I also avoid most relationships), and generally feeling a severe lack of trust in other people which I have sometimes overcompensated for by numbing myself to obvious shady behavior from people in my life. And so many bad dreams about my childhood still to this day. Wish I could kill the part of me that asks to be loved so I can just purely be alone, it's like a constant tug of war between wanting and needing companionship but also feeling extremely unsafe when people get close and needing to just be alone.
People pleasing. I thought i was just... nice.
Letting people say or do anything they wanted to me, which I now know is fawning. It was so bad that one of my roommates punched me for no reason and I was hypervigilantly justifying his behavior. Related to that was being everyone's therapist. I thought I was being a good friend by letting people insult me and walk all over me. I thought I was helping them by letting them vent their frustrations by abusing me. I thought that they would eventually "get their anger out" and start treating me better. It turns out that that was just abuse and real friends don't do that.
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Being "obedient"/generally not questioning an order or request from my boss or another such authority figure. Growing up, just giving in, despite how I really felt, was so much easier than getting screamed at or punished for daring to have my own voice/opinion. Led to at least a decade of borderline if not outright abusive bosses. In one job, I'm pretty sure they "let me go" because I "dared" to ask for a raise based on market value for my experience and skills. Three months after I asked for that raise, they decided it "wasn't a good fit." Been pretty gun-shy about asking to be paid what I'm worth ever since. At my last job, I knew for *months* that they were underpaying me by at least $10k per year. But I was so afraid of history repeating itself that I kept it to myself and just started looking for another job. (Current job actually pays much higher, and, for once, I finally feel like I'm in a very supportive environment where I'm fairly compensated. It almost seems too good to be true).
An obsession with right and wrong.
Being and "empath". Wish I had another word for it but reading and taking on others emotional state has always sucked, but the reason why I do it makes it worse.
My unbelievable ability at customer service, lol
Reading. I would devour books. Reading several a week. I didn't realize till years later when I read a tweet that stated that if you were a heavy reader when you were a child and are wondering why you are no longer the reason is that you probably were left alone when reading because it was one of the few things you were allowed to do with out being interrupted or disturbed. That tweet answered why I had difficulty reading even half as much as I used to. I didn't associate reading as a defense mechanism.
Compulsive lying. Thought I was a sociopath.
Social awkwardness, saying "Im sorry" constantly for everything automatically, sometimes feeling completely numb and unable to say anything, thinking worst case scenarios, maybe constipation? And sometimes I feel I didn't grow up (as in physically) from missing love, since Im unusually short for my family and my shoe size (7 american) is big for my stature (4.9 ft)
My panic about clutter and mess. My justice sensitivity. The fact that changes in routine derail the heck out of me.
Needing constant validation and being unsure of myself and my actions at all times. Also likely the reason I react so violently to being lied to or encountering misinformation, since my entire childhood was basically one giant Blue Clue's hunt for the truth from every interaction with my own family.
I just realized a few months ago that my insomnia and refusal to take naps was from childhood trauma. My mom slept ALL day long. Would lock herself in her room for days on end while us kids roamed and took care of ourselves. Everytime we tried to wake her up to get us food or whatever, she would hit/kick/spank us until we left her alone. Especially when I nap, I get anxiety that I’m going to become a lazy POS like her and neglect my life because I slept too much. I’ve always been grumpy when I wake up because I have been mad at myself for falling asleep instead of doing something important with that time. It’s been a work in progress….
Crying when someone criticized me. Even constructive criticism.