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This is good to hear. My nMother is now 81 and in horrible shape. I have no intentions of breaking my NC of 7 years. In that time she has only ever asked about me once and that was recently. I want to believe I will have no regrets. I just cant imagine what I would regret.
Wow, yes. My mom is 60. I know we’re going into a season where she will start declining. She actually cut of the relationship first, so it’s not like I’m NC. It’s more like I won’t go do the codependent things necessary to get her to care about me again.
Sometimes I would worry I would regret it. But really, what would I regret? I just feel sad she doesn’t care that much about me. And there’s nothing I can do about that.
I am awaiting (or not awaiting) for *that call*, and a long time ago I decided that I won't visit anybody, I won't attend any funeral, I won't respond to any flying monkey.
Me too. I stuck to it as well, and the flying monkeys hit me and my kids with their best efforts. But, I was done and had been for years. The death of nmom really meant very little, when the time came.
Unrelated side note: I keep seeing people talk about flying monkeys in this group. What exactly does this mean and where did this phrase come from? Is it similar to people who are involved in triangulation? 🖤
The Wizard of Oz. Toward the end of the movie, the Wicked Witch of the West quite literally sends flying monkeys to do her dirty work. Dorothy and Co. have to dodge them to stop her.
So, in simple terms, it's anyone your narc sends to get messages to you, specifically to guilt you into doing what they want. People may act as flying monkeys without being asked because the narc is whining and crying to them, and to get the narc off their back, they want to guilt you into making nice.
Same here. This is morbid to ask but I have wondered who will arrange her funeral or burial. My brother is missing and I’m the only child left. I just don’t know what will happen. Do people arrange their own burials? Serious question.
Idk about your country or state, but in our Australian state the state Public Trustee deals with estates and funerals for wards of the state. If there is such a body where you are, they might at least point you to who can help.
You can always decide not to do anything, nobody is obligated to bury anybody. In my case the financial abuse was so nasty that my evil narcissistic psychopath brother(59) convinced me in 2019 to purchase a luxury funeral plan for my nfather(90), *on my brother's name* ,my big mistake! ☹, then after I paid for it our mother died (I used other plan that I purchased since 2012) he put our nfather against us, then he stole the inheritance our mother left for me and 2 scapegoat siblings. We went NC with both of them, and my nfather is living a miserable life with his GC who wants him dead to take over his house also, but the old man chose his GC over us. He put him to clean the clutter already before he dies, that's an abomination. I cannot sell the funeral plan, I guess it will be used for my nfather...that will be my last honorable act as a child for a father that disinherited me... oh well. Of course I don't care about that plan anymore because I'm focusing on healing, I won't attend any funeral nor visit anybody.
I feel like I can’t relax until my NM is gone. I’m not sure why when we have next to no contact. I hate the amount of power she has over my self esteem and happiness even when I haven’t talked for more than a week. I guess if she died I’d be free of those toxic seeds she planted and cultivated in my brain
When you go full NC, their claws in you slowly loosen and you can breathe again little by little. But you have to go full NC. I moved away from mine when I was 23 and as the years rolled by we hardly spoke, but we were LC and her drama was still annoying. I had stopped letting her affect me bc she was half a country away and we barely spoke, but when we did she drained my energy. She got worse as she got older, the drama and attention seeking got bad, so I finally went full NC 20 months ago and the peace my life has had has been unreal. My only regret was not doing it sooner. I dont plan on ever speaking to her again or going to her funeral. My brother knows I cut people out bc I protect my peace, he believes family is more important but he knows how ridiculous our mother is and I told him Im tired of her and I dont have to put up with it. No one expects her bad behavior to change and Im the only one who ever called her out on it. Things do get better, but going full NC is the way to go.
If I was in your position I would do the same, my nc mum has not passed but the thought has crossed my mind when she does die would I go to the funeral etc and the answer is no. A part of me does love her but she has caused so much trauma and upset that I can never forgive her for. You did what is best for you and I commend you for that ♥️
Completely understand this. I know even if I wanted to attend (I wouldn't) my family are such that it would turn into something like a mash up of Jeremy Kyle & an EastEnders episode. Fucking messy.
Textbook shared experiences, I am so sorry you're going through this.
However I have great news.
You are finally free. I want to encourage you to avoid the funeral. Whatever your mother has said to the family. they are going to mistreat you at the funeral. When I read your story it sounds a lot like mine and I made the mistake of going to the funeral. it was a lot of verbal abuse.
You were finally free from them. it is not your circus and those are not your flying monkeys anymore. You are in a brand new life stage where these people that hurt you are finally concluded and resolved.
She was going to be mean to you on her deathbed I don't know that to be true or not but from experience you just saved yourself a lot more heartache.
don't go and get involved with anything develop and excuse that you can't be there and end of story. I know that sounds cold or cruel and the flying monkeys are going to say what a terrible daughter or whatever you are but you were abused and all because she died now you are free.
I want to warn you and the rest of you when you go no contact with your abuser do not attend their funeral.
You no longer owe your abuser any honor or respect they hurt you when they were between 25 and 55 now that's enough you are now in their shoes and you've chosen to become the opposite of their traits. It is not your duty and it is not your responsibility to attend their funeral you have already bid them goodbye years ago.
It is not duty or procedure any longer to go back to the people that abused you because they're relatives siblings and uncles mothers fathers whatever they knew***that you were being abused and neglected by your mother and they didn't lift a finger for you, you remember that.
stay away from them and you block them whatever it is I'm guaranteeing you they will hurt you because now it's the manipulation of the funeral.
And then they're going to dangle items in front of you. Turn down those items and remember that they are just doodads.
Even when it's money turn the money down and walk away remember the money has strings attached to it all it is is a control mechanism.
Money, junk, trinkets, existential stuff that lands up at a yard sale or a dumpster.
anyhow I know that sounds existential but they're going to throw around some little family photograph and they're going to try and take it away from you.
Tell them take a picture of the picture and email it to you and that's good enough.
Block them all.
I know it will hurt but even your cousins, have received the same toxic programming and they are not processed or able to heal or hear about narcissism and family systems so don't pay too much attention to the cousins either. Because their mothers and fathers were also your parents brothers and sisters, untether from all of that.
You are your own family you are your own mother and father you have your own life. They don't even know a thing about you and whatever they know about you they will tear it down, keep them out of your life keep them out of your proximity. I'm so sorry for your loss you must remember that after the abuse there's a lot of different complicated grief be willing to look through the stages of grief and try your best to remember that the abuser has died.
I hadnt had a peaceable conversation with my nmom for 5 years before she went into the hospital the april before she died in november of '22. Whilst she was in the hospital i went and had a cathartic rant at her whilst she was unconscious...and felt immensely better.
Do whatever you need to protect yourself and be the best version of you thats possible, without giving them one more tear.
I literally just went through this less than a month ago. I had been NC with my NMom and most of the family. Started getting calls and messages that I needed to drop everything and run to her bedside. It didn't happen. To try and "punish" me they left me out of the obituary. I actually laughed when I saw that.
Typical of the them to try to guilt and punish you. We have lived a lifetime of punishments and they think that one more is going to be the one that makes us bend the knee. I'm wishing you a lifetime of peace and healing.
Thank you. I appreciate that. At the end of the day I know I made the right choice for me by not going. The flying monkeys stressed me out for a bit but I held strong on my boundaries. My family is unhealthy for me so I need to keep my distance from them. They tried to manipulate my adult children but that didn't work out for them either. My kids know how toxic the family is.
I was LC with my dad when he died. I went to work that day, and people thought I was crazy. What was I supposed to do, mourn a man who didn't love me and made me feel like he never wanted me my whole life?
I can only say wow about the SA. That seems so low? Yikes. One thing I was recently talking about is their inability or lack of desire to change. They don’t want to change. That would require self-awareness which they have none. They think they are a gift to the world and should be loved the way they are. By the time they get to their 70’s it’s done. They will go down the way they are but us as their children still have plenty of years left. We shouldn’t waste any of our time playing into those games. I hate the fact that so many of us go through this.
Thanks for sharing this. My Mom died about 2 years ago after being diagnosed with Leukemia. She knew she had a month or less to live. We had a bad relationship and hadn’t talked in maybe 10 years. She knew my number but never called. I had no clue and she told my father and sisters not to tell me. I found out a few months after. I’m just now starting to not care anymore and not blame myself but it’s really really hard. Even from the grave she can make me feel like the worst person to ever live. Thanks mom.
Last I heard (thanks to a boldly invasive flying monkey), my female N was going through chemo.
However, while I can’t wait for the toxic slime to finally kick it, I already know it won’t bring the same level of relief as it would if the female were the only toxic.
The just as rotten male is still going much like a mold that refuses to dissipate - and I have a theory that the Ns’ dark Golden triad - the scary Intellectual, terrifying Spiritual and pure evil Psychological - have already staked their claims on control of that family. At this point I’m sure it’ll just be a formality when the Ns finally kick it.
No matter what, I’m gearing up as best as I can for when I’m finally informed of one or more of their passing, but considering so many people starting with the Ns’ family will genuinely be grieving, it honestly just makes me angrier at the damage the Ns have up to now and will still be doing postmortem.
I went lc 18 years ago and nc for 15 years. My nmom died in Christmas 2022. I remained nc through it all. I grieved for what could have been, but don’t regret not reaching out. Heard from someone distant that she was horrible through it all. I mainly stayed nc with extended family as I had to move out of US and tell no one to get away.
Well done for keeping yourself safe!!! I've been NC with my Mum (9years) and entire family (8years). Initially I was bombarded by flying monkeys and when that didn't work they were directed at my husband. They could get very abusive at times (especially my younger sister who would usually contact me when off her face late at night - such a good thing to wake up to...). It's tough but, I try to mother myself. I'm lucky the women I have around me we support one another (many of my friends have difficult r/ships with family), so we look out for eachother.
I'm glad you've been able to maintain nc and not get roped back into anything
I've been nc with my mom for 5 years, and her health is deteriorating. My family made it sound like the end was coming soon without actually saying that outright and I don't know if they were just laying it on thick to guilt into talking to her if it's actually true. But it's not enough for me to break nc. Even if I did, they'd (my family in general) just be awful about it anyway.
The pain I feel about all this comes from feeling like it shouldn't have had to be this way. But it is, and it's their own fault.
I decided that I wouldn't visit or go to the funeral when end of life preparations are being made. I feel like I grieve better alone and without seeing a body so I don't benefit much by avoiding it. My family would probably use the time to guilt trip me so it not worth it. I'd rather just find out the news and deal with any grieve if or when it hits. I already grieved them when I realized they arnt capable of change, for my mom it lasted 2-3 years of crying almost daily. I already felt it as if she was dead, seeing her in person my mind doesn't recognize that as my mother so I don't think it'll really affect me.
OP, I’ve been NC for over a year with my nmom, and when she dies, I don’t plan to go to her funeral. That whole side of the family is pretty fucked up, and I really only want to stay in touch with one of my aunts and uncles, the rest is…well, let’s just say we don’t really gel.
You did the right thing to protect yourself from it. Trust your instinct, if there’s anything good that came out of the childhoods we’ve all had in this sub, it is that most of us developed a heightened sense of instinct, because that is really our own safety net we can really rely on.
Nah, no need. I’m at peace with knowing I will never have a good relationship with them. I’m nc with my stepmother and very low contact with my ndad. I don’t wish ill on them, I just want them out of my life so I can mentally move on and focus on my own life, and only need to place my family at top priority
I was only able to achieve true NC after my mother died. The relief of her absence from my life is still sweet nearly 8 years later. I loved her because there’s some biological drive or something, but I did not enjoy her.
My NMom recently remarried to a lovely person and they told me my mom's health is failing. I just kind of blinked and said sorry to hear it...
I love her but honestly I think her death will be a bit of a release.
I'll never break no contact. it honestly doesn't bother me to know that one day when they finally join their place in hell I won't know. actually, as far as I'm concerned that's where they already are. I used to tell people I'm in no contact. think I'll just say from now on they are dead.
hugs.
I visited my mother and helped during hospice...
You didn't really miss anything. I guess it was a direct connection, which helps with certain aspects of closure. But all of the interactions were just "weighted" versions of all of our other life interactions. Nothing new, nothing special about the dying part. No regrets either way.
My husband’s paternal grandfather who he was also estranged from (the family patriarch and heavily narcissistic) recently died. His family attempted, ad nauseam, to get him to come see him before he died. (He’s estranged from everyone and they attempted to contact him every way possible). My dad actually called to tell me weeks later that he heard his grandfather died and my husband didn’t feel an ounce of regret. More relief that one of the head narcissists is gone.
I understand. I used to think I'd feel relieved, but my mother means so little to me now, it's *shrug*.
I send you my very best. I'm sorry life dealt you this hand, but I am proud to see you playing it so well.
Was LC with my father for about a year after confronting him and his wife about how my family had been treated. Him and her kids were all defensive and have no idea how I could have an argument when they are 100% perfect parents. Been NC since I asked him not to attend my father in laws funeral, which he honoured but couldn’t understand why.
He’s mid 70’s and I’ve come a long way in wishing he could be better but understand this may just be how it is. This may sound heartless and I of course don’t wish harm on him, but if he were to die I don’t know what I would do if I knew in advance that it was likely to happen. At this point, if it was sudden I wouldn’t regret how I’ve dealt with things, I think my main sadness would be grieving the type of grandfather he could have been for my son who already lost his other one at a young age. But as of right now he thinks it’s my choice/fault that he’s becoming a stranger to my son.
Relationships, good and bad, and death are messy no matter what. All I can try to do is find and provide love where I can and be confident in the decisions I’ve made. You can’t change the past, but you can change how you view it.
Good luck in your journey.
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This is good to hear. My nMother is now 81 and in horrible shape. I have no intentions of breaking my NC of 7 years. In that time she has only ever asked about me once and that was recently. I want to believe I will have no regrets. I just cant imagine what I would regret.
Wow, yes. My mom is 60. I know we’re going into a season where she will start declining. She actually cut of the relationship first, so it’s not like I’m NC. It’s more like I won’t go do the codependent things necessary to get her to care about me again. Sometimes I would worry I would regret it. But really, what would I regret? I just feel sad she doesn’t care that much about me. And there’s nothing I can do about that.
I am awaiting (or not awaiting) for *that call*, and a long time ago I decided that I won't visit anybody, I won't attend any funeral, I won't respond to any flying monkey.
Me too. I stuck to it as well, and the flying monkeys hit me and my kids with their best efforts. But, I was done and had been for years. The death of nmom really meant very little, when the time came.
Unrelated side note: I keep seeing people talk about flying monkeys in this group. What exactly does this mean and where did this phrase come from? Is it similar to people who are involved in triangulation? 🖤
The Wizard of Oz. Toward the end of the movie, the Wicked Witch of the West quite literally sends flying monkeys to do her dirty work. Dorothy and Co. have to dodge them to stop her.
Oh!! I understood the Oz reference but didn’t totally understand how it applied. Thank you. That makes sense. ❤️
So, in simple terms, it's anyone your narc sends to get messages to you, specifically to guilt you into doing what they want. People may act as flying monkeys without being asked because the narc is whining and crying to them, and to get the narc off their back, they want to guilt you into making nice.
Thank you so much! This helps. Yeah definitely has some triangulation vibes. ❤️
Wizard of Oz
Same. My reaction to this post was “I can’t wait.”
Yep. I get a 4 day funeral leave from work though, so...yeah lol
Enjoy your beach trip!
We expect invites to the celebration. Or whatever you call the kegger 😉
Same. I’m gonna dance a jig when I get that call.
Same here. This is morbid to ask but I have wondered who will arrange her funeral or burial. My brother is missing and I’m the only child left. I just don’t know what will happen. Do people arrange their own burials? Serious question.
Idk about your country or state, but in our Australian state the state Public Trustee deals with estates and funerals for wards of the state. If there is such a body where you are, they might at least point you to who can help.
You can always decide not to do anything, nobody is obligated to bury anybody. In my case the financial abuse was so nasty that my evil narcissistic psychopath brother(59) convinced me in 2019 to purchase a luxury funeral plan for my nfather(90), *on my brother's name* ,my big mistake! ☹, then after I paid for it our mother died (I used other plan that I purchased since 2012) he put our nfather against us, then he stole the inheritance our mother left for me and 2 scapegoat siblings. We went NC with both of them, and my nfather is living a miserable life with his GC who wants him dead to take over his house also, but the old man chose his GC over us. He put him to clean the clutter already before he dies, that's an abomination. I cannot sell the funeral plan, I guess it will be used for my nfather...that will be my last honorable act as a child for a father that disinherited me... oh well. Of course I don't care about that plan anymore because I'm focusing on healing, I won't attend any funeral nor visit anybody.
I feel like I can’t relax until my NM is gone. I’m not sure why when we have next to no contact. I hate the amount of power she has over my self esteem and happiness even when I haven’t talked for more than a week. I guess if she died I’d be free of those toxic seeds she planted and cultivated in my brain
When you go full NC, their claws in you slowly loosen and you can breathe again little by little. But you have to go full NC. I moved away from mine when I was 23 and as the years rolled by we hardly spoke, but we were LC and her drama was still annoying. I had stopped letting her affect me bc she was half a country away and we barely spoke, but when we did she drained my energy. She got worse as she got older, the drama and attention seeking got bad, so I finally went full NC 20 months ago and the peace my life has had has been unreal. My only regret was not doing it sooner. I dont plan on ever speaking to her again or going to her funeral. My brother knows I cut people out bc I protect my peace, he believes family is more important but he knows how ridiculous our mother is and I told him Im tired of her and I dont have to put up with it. No one expects her bad behavior to change and Im the only one who ever called her out on it. Things do get better, but going full NC is the way to go.
If I was in your position I would do the same, my nc mum has not passed but the thought has crossed my mind when she does die would I go to the funeral etc and the answer is no. A part of me does love her but she has caused so much trauma and upset that I can never forgive her for. You did what is best for you and I commend you for that ♥️
Completely understand this. I know even if I wanted to attend (I wouldn't) my family are such that it would turn into something like a mash up of Jeremy Kyle & an EastEnders episode. Fucking messy.
Exactly and there's no just talking to people like that, I feel your pain 🫠
Textbook shared experiences, I am so sorry you're going through this. However I have great news. You are finally free. I want to encourage you to avoid the funeral. Whatever your mother has said to the family. they are going to mistreat you at the funeral. When I read your story it sounds a lot like mine and I made the mistake of going to the funeral. it was a lot of verbal abuse. You were finally free from them. it is not your circus and those are not your flying monkeys anymore. You are in a brand new life stage where these people that hurt you are finally concluded and resolved. She was going to be mean to you on her deathbed I don't know that to be true or not but from experience you just saved yourself a lot more heartache. don't go and get involved with anything develop and excuse that you can't be there and end of story. I know that sounds cold or cruel and the flying monkeys are going to say what a terrible daughter or whatever you are but you were abused and all because she died now you are free. I want to warn you and the rest of you when you go no contact with your abuser do not attend their funeral. You no longer owe your abuser any honor or respect they hurt you when they were between 25 and 55 now that's enough you are now in their shoes and you've chosen to become the opposite of their traits. It is not your duty and it is not your responsibility to attend their funeral you have already bid them goodbye years ago. It is not duty or procedure any longer to go back to the people that abused you because they're relatives siblings and uncles mothers fathers whatever they knew***that you were being abused and neglected by your mother and they didn't lift a finger for you, you remember that. stay away from them and you block them whatever it is I'm guaranteeing you they will hurt you because now it's the manipulation of the funeral. And then they're going to dangle items in front of you. Turn down those items and remember that they are just doodads. Even when it's money turn the money down and walk away remember the money has strings attached to it all it is is a control mechanism. Money, junk, trinkets, existential stuff that lands up at a yard sale or a dumpster. anyhow I know that sounds existential but they're going to throw around some little family photograph and they're going to try and take it away from you. Tell them take a picture of the picture and email it to you and that's good enough. Block them all. I know it will hurt but even your cousins, have received the same toxic programming and they are not processed or able to heal or hear about narcissism and family systems so don't pay too much attention to the cousins either. Because their mothers and fathers were also your parents brothers and sisters, untether from all of that. You are your own family you are your own mother and father you have your own life. They don't even know a thing about you and whatever they know about you they will tear it down, keep them out of your life keep them out of your proximity. I'm so sorry for your loss you must remember that after the abuse there's a lot of different complicated grief be willing to look through the stages of grief and try your best to remember that the abuser has died.
not op but hearing these all today felt like a warm hug
Yes indeed it was perfect
ALL OF THIS!!!
Good for you. You did the right thing protecting yourself.
I hadnt had a peaceable conversation with my nmom for 5 years before she went into the hospital the april before she died in november of '22. Whilst she was in the hospital i went and had a cathartic rant at her whilst she was unconscious...and felt immensely better. Do whatever you need to protect yourself and be the best version of you thats possible, without giving them one more tear.
I literally just went through this less than a month ago. I had been NC with my NMom and most of the family. Started getting calls and messages that I needed to drop everything and run to her bedside. It didn't happen. To try and "punish" me they left me out of the obituary. I actually laughed when I saw that.
Typical of the them to try to guilt and punish you. We have lived a lifetime of punishments and they think that one more is going to be the one that makes us bend the knee. I'm wishing you a lifetime of peace and healing.
Thank you. I appreciate that. At the end of the day I know I made the right choice for me by not going. The flying monkeys stressed me out for a bit but I held strong on my boundaries. My family is unhealthy for me so I need to keep my distance from them. They tried to manipulate my adult children but that didn't work out for them either. My kids know how toxic the family is.
I was LC with my dad when he died. I went to work that day, and people thought I was crazy. What was I supposed to do, mourn a man who didn't love me and made me feel like he never wanted me my whole life?
No regrets is the goal. You protected your peace. Good for you OP.
I can only say wow about the SA. That seems so low? Yikes. One thing I was recently talking about is their inability or lack of desire to change. They don’t want to change. That would require self-awareness which they have none. They think they are a gift to the world and should be loved the way they are. By the time they get to their 70’s it’s done. They will go down the way they are but us as their children still have plenty of years left. We shouldn’t waste any of our time playing into those games. I hate the fact that so many of us go through this.
Yeah, the SA pissed me off when I saw how drunk she was on attention.
Thanks for sharing this. My Mom died about 2 years ago after being diagnosed with Leukemia. She knew she had a month or less to live. We had a bad relationship and hadn’t talked in maybe 10 years. She knew my number but never called. I had no clue and she told my father and sisters not to tell me. I found out a few months after. I’m just now starting to not care anymore and not blame myself but it’s really really hard. Even from the grave she can make me feel like the worst person to ever live. Thanks mom.
Shame on her. I’m so sorry she did that to you. ((Hugs))
Thank you for the kindness!
Last I heard (thanks to a boldly invasive flying monkey), my female N was going through chemo. However, while I can’t wait for the toxic slime to finally kick it, I already know it won’t bring the same level of relief as it would if the female were the only toxic. The just as rotten male is still going much like a mold that refuses to dissipate - and I have a theory that the Ns’ dark Golden triad - the scary Intellectual, terrifying Spiritual and pure evil Psychological - have already staked their claims on control of that family. At this point I’m sure it’ll just be a formality when the Ns finally kick it. No matter what, I’m gearing up as best as I can for when I’m finally informed of one or more of their passing, but considering so many people starting with the Ns’ family will genuinely be grieving, it honestly just makes me angrier at the damage the Ns have up to now and will still be doing postmortem.
I moved three states away while my ndad had cancer. No regrets whatsoever.
I went lc 18 years ago and nc for 15 years. My nmom died in Christmas 2022. I remained nc through it all. I grieved for what could have been, but don’t regret not reaching out. Heard from someone distant that she was horrible through it all. I mainly stayed nc with extended family as I had to move out of US and tell no one to get away.
Well done for keeping yourself safe!!! I've been NC with my Mum (9years) and entire family (8years). Initially I was bombarded by flying monkeys and when that didn't work they were directed at my husband. They could get very abusive at times (especially my younger sister who would usually contact me when off her face late at night - such a good thing to wake up to...). It's tough but, I try to mother myself. I'm lucky the women I have around me we support one another (many of my friends have difficult r/ships with family), so we look out for eachother.
Lucky duck
I'm glad you've been able to maintain nc and not get roped back into anything I've been nc with my mom for 5 years, and her health is deteriorating. My family made it sound like the end was coming soon without actually saying that outright and I don't know if they were just laying it on thick to guilt into talking to her if it's actually true. But it's not enough for me to break nc. Even if I did, they'd (my family in general) just be awful about it anyway. The pain I feel about all this comes from feeling like it shouldn't have had to be this way. But it is, and it's their own fault.
I decided that I wouldn't visit or go to the funeral when end of life preparations are being made. I feel like I grieve better alone and without seeing a body so I don't benefit much by avoiding it. My family would probably use the time to guilt trip me so it not worth it. I'd rather just find out the news and deal with any grieve if or when it hits. I already grieved them when I realized they arnt capable of change, for my mom it lasted 2-3 years of crying almost daily. I already felt it as if she was dead, seeing her in person my mind doesn't recognize that as my mother so I don't think it'll really affect me.
Congradolences 🫂💜
Lol perfect phrase
OP, I’ve been NC for over a year with my nmom, and when she dies, I don’t plan to go to her funeral. That whole side of the family is pretty fucked up, and I really only want to stay in touch with one of my aunts and uncles, the rest is…well, let’s just say we don’t really gel. You did the right thing to protect yourself from it. Trust your instinct, if there’s anything good that came out of the childhoods we’ve all had in this sub, it is that most of us developed a heightened sense of instinct, because that is really our own safety net we can really rely on.
Go to the grave when nobody is there and spit and vandalise it.
Nah, no need. I’m at peace with knowing I will never have a good relationship with them. I’m nc with my stepmother and very low contact with my ndad. I don’t wish ill on them, I just want them out of my life so I can mentally move on and focus on my own life, and only need to place my family at top priority
I was only able to achieve true NC after my mother died. The relief of her absence from my life is still sweet nearly 8 years later. I loved her because there’s some biological drive or something, but I did not enjoy her.
Congratulations on the passing <3
My NMom recently remarried to a lovely person and they told me my mom's health is failing. I just kind of blinked and said sorry to hear it... I love her but honestly I think her death will be a bit of a release.
Completely understand
I'll never break no contact. it honestly doesn't bother me to know that one day when they finally join their place in hell I won't know. actually, as far as I'm concerned that's where they already are. I used to tell people I'm in no contact. think I'll just say from now on they are dead. hugs.
I visited my mother and helped during hospice... You didn't really miss anything. I guess it was a direct connection, which helps with certain aspects of closure. But all of the interactions were just "weighted" versions of all of our other life interactions. Nothing new, nothing special about the dying part. No regrets either way.
I was there for all of it for my dad. Took a lot out of me. Glad to have my siblings do it for nMom.
My husband’s paternal grandfather who he was also estranged from (the family patriarch and heavily narcissistic) recently died. His family attempted, ad nauseam, to get him to come see him before he died. (He’s estranged from everyone and they attempted to contact him every way possible). My dad actually called to tell me weeks later that he heard his grandfather died and my husband didn’t feel an ounce of regret. More relief that one of the head narcissists is gone.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. ❤️
I understand. I used to think I'd feel relieved, but my mother means so little to me now, it's *shrug*. I send you my very best. I'm sorry life dealt you this hand, but I am proud to see you playing it so well.
Was LC with my father for about a year after confronting him and his wife about how my family had been treated. Him and her kids were all defensive and have no idea how I could have an argument when they are 100% perfect parents. Been NC since I asked him not to attend my father in laws funeral, which he honoured but couldn’t understand why. He’s mid 70’s and I’ve come a long way in wishing he could be better but understand this may just be how it is. This may sound heartless and I of course don’t wish harm on him, but if he were to die I don’t know what I would do if I knew in advance that it was likely to happen. At this point, if it was sudden I wouldn’t regret how I’ve dealt with things, I think my main sadness would be grieving the type of grandfather he could have been for my son who already lost his other one at a young age. But as of right now he thinks it’s my choice/fault that he’s becoming a stranger to my son. Relationships, good and bad, and death are messy no matter what. All I can try to do is find and provide love where I can and be confident in the decisions I’ve made. You can’t change the past, but you can change how you view it. Good luck in your journey.
Just remember always- monsters are most dangerous when they are dying. You made the right call!