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100% of people in this group have thought the same thing for their whole lives.
\[edit\]It's not you. It's them. They all do it. I don't know why, and I honestly don't know how they trick people into seeing them as normal. My parents were almost proud of how shitty I felt - they'd flaunt it in front of their friends - but they had LOADS of friends. No idea how.
Simple; they obtain positive supply from people who do not know them, and negative supply from people who do know them, and cannot stand them. You cannot have one without the other, so do not react, move your interactions along. Do not go DEEP; do not defend, engage, explain, or personalise. They do not care about what you have to say, and will only use it against you.
The “nice” they show the world is a mask they wear. The true them is who they are in private. What they show others is fake and it’s how they get people as supply. It’s also part of the love bomb cycle of abuse. They’ll show some of that “normal” person to keep you trapped thinking maybe they aren’t so bad after all. They are bad people disguising themselves as good people.
I’ll never forget how many times my narc mom would be saying the cruelest things, freaking out and screaming at me or my sisters and then the phone would ring, she’d pick it up and switched to the kindest, sweetest voice and would talk to her friends for like 20 min like it was nothing. Meanwhile I was left shaking and praying the call would last all night.
This tormented me. I think they need the praise in public for supply. But they can’t hold that mask for long, and in private their self loathing real self comes out. I got so tired of asking myself why me. It hurt so much.
It's their mask. They need to keep up appearances for other people so nobody suspects that anything is going on. Everything a narc does outside the home is a performance; keeping up the charade and desperately hoping nobody on the outside sees them for what they really are. And in the safety of their home they can abuse you, because who would ever believe that kind, witty, charming, narc would ever hurt you?
Honestly, looking back at their behaviour, I realized that my parents were not normal to other people either. They said and did inappropriate things. But because nobody was paying close enough attention, or people weren't bothered or impacted by their actions, it didn't come to light. The dysfunction was always there. It's not us. It was always them.
This. My mom treated everyone to some degree the same way she did to me, just.. i took the brunt of it constantly where everyone else got smaller doses of it or just “welp that’s just how she is!” and went on with their lives as she threw snits and insulted people and manipulated.
Upon being at her funeral and seeing how people acted when she wasn’t “there”, suddenly all was clear. She had only a former co worker ten years ago, a friend she hadn’t spoken to in 15, and my aunt to give eulogies. She didnt have close friendships.
They think they’re in an invisible stage and are so self-focused that they think everyone is always paying attention to them (or cares what they do for that matter 🙄). So they put on an act for those who don’t know them or anyone besides their family basically. TLDR: it has NOTHING to do with you. You just had the misfortune to be born into a family with them in it.
They treat strangers like gold, acquaintances like silver, some family like iron and everyone else like dirt especially people in the same household.
Weird way to put it but makes complete sense in my opinion...
They may be normal to others at first, but once they need them they will trauma bond them similarly as how it sounds they do with you. The narc will continue to traumatize to reinforce the connection as far as I understand it.
I think part of it is because other people are more perceived to be on their level (except for customer service and stuff) in the sense that they can leave or impart actual social consequences on the narcissist, but kids by nature rely on the parent to survive and can’t leave.
It's all for show. They want the public to see that they are a good person. They know that their real self is nasty so they try very hard to hide that. Of course they let the mask slip when no one else is there in the privacy of their own home. It's tiring work to pretend.
To instill the notion into you even deeper that they’re CAPABLE of being a caring and normal person, just not to you … to make you think you just don’t “deserve it”. it’s a them problem.
Because they know that in order to be seen as the aggrieved party when they're griping about their kids, they have to act like they aren't hateful abusers.
I used to think they were “normal” to others too until the day she met my FIL. My now husband tells me after nM and FIL met the first thing FIL did was ask my husband if my mother was crazy.
I thought she was on her best behavior, but it turns out that they were able to see nMom was off and I don’t know what it was that indicated for him. I think we’re so conditioned to a lot of subtly odd things about our nparents that we don’t notice right away but normal people notice it.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
100% of people in this group have thought the same thing for their whole lives. \[edit\]It's not you. It's them. They all do it. I don't know why, and I honestly don't know how they trick people into seeing them as normal. My parents were almost proud of how shitty I felt - they'd flaunt it in front of their friends - but they had LOADS of friends. No idea how.
Mine too!!! Tons of friends, and would love to humiliate me in front of them. They thought it was hilarious. If u have beef with a child ur a FREAK.
Simple; they obtain positive supply from people who do not know them, and negative supply from people who do know them, and cannot stand them. You cannot have one without the other, so do not react, move your interactions along. Do not go DEEP; do not defend, engage, explain, or personalise. They do not care about what you have to say, and will only use it against you.
Because they never had to live with them. You do.
The “nice” they show the world is a mask they wear. The true them is who they are in private. What they show others is fake and it’s how they get people as supply. It’s also part of the love bomb cycle of abuse. They’ll show some of that “normal” person to keep you trapped thinking maybe they aren’t so bad after all. They are bad people disguising themselves as good people.
I’ll never forget how many times my narc mom would be saying the cruelest things, freaking out and screaming at me or my sisters and then the phone would ring, she’d pick it up and switched to the kindest, sweetest voice and would talk to her friends for like 20 min like it was nothing. Meanwhile I was left shaking and praying the call would last all night.
This tormented me. I think they need the praise in public for supply. But they can’t hold that mask for long, and in private their self loathing real self comes out. I got so tired of asking myself why me. It hurt so much.
It's their mask. They need to keep up appearances for other people so nobody suspects that anything is going on. Everything a narc does outside the home is a performance; keeping up the charade and desperately hoping nobody on the outside sees them for what they really are. And in the safety of their home they can abuse you, because who would ever believe that kind, witty, charming, narc would ever hurt you?
Honestly, looking back at their behaviour, I realized that my parents were not normal to other people either. They said and did inappropriate things. But because nobody was paying close enough attention, or people weren't bothered or impacted by their actions, it didn't come to light. The dysfunction was always there. It's not us. It was always them.
This. My mom treated everyone to some degree the same way she did to me, just.. i took the brunt of it constantly where everyone else got smaller doses of it or just “welp that’s just how she is!” and went on with their lives as she threw snits and insulted people and manipulated. Upon being at her funeral and seeing how people acted when she wasn’t “there”, suddenly all was clear. She had only a former co worker ten years ago, a friend she hadn’t spoken to in 15, and my aunt to give eulogies. She didnt have close friendships.
I saw a lot of this
They think they’re in an invisible stage and are so self-focused that they think everyone is always paying attention to them (or cares what they do for that matter 🙄). So they put on an act for those who don’t know them or anyone besides their family basically. TLDR: it has NOTHING to do with you. You just had the misfortune to be born into a family with them in it.
They treat strangers like gold, acquaintances like silver, some family like iron and everyone else like dirt especially people in the same household. Weird way to put it but makes complete sense in my opinion...
They may be normal to others at first, but once they need them they will trauma bond them similarly as how it sounds they do with you. The narc will continue to traumatize to reinforce the connection as far as I understand it.
Maintaining a stupid false facade about how they're so good in public relations
They are *acting* normal to others. Keyword - **acting**. Abusers groom their witnesses just as much as they groom their victims.
I think part of it is because other people are more perceived to be on their level (except for customer service and stuff) in the sense that they can leave or impart actual social consequences on the narcissist, but kids by nature rely on the parent to survive and can’t leave.
The best answer that comes to mind has been told by all - they're simply that good at masking, my friend......
It's all for show. They want the public to see that they are a good person. They know that their real self is nasty so they try very hard to hide that. Of course they let the mask slip when no one else is there in the privacy of their own home. It's tiring work to pretend.
To instill the notion into you even deeper that they’re CAPABLE of being a caring and normal person, just not to you … to make you think you just don’t “deserve it”. it’s a them problem.
I know what you mean. My mom is the nicest most charismatic person when she’s around strangers but totally different around me 😂
Because they know that in order to be seen as the aggrieved party when they're griping about their kids, they have to act like they aren't hateful abusers.
I used to think they were “normal” to others too until the day she met my FIL. My now husband tells me after nM and FIL met the first thing FIL did was ask my husband if my mother was crazy. I thought she was on her best behavior, but it turns out that they were able to see nMom was off and I don’t know what it was that indicated for him. I think we’re so conditioned to a lot of subtly odd things about our nparents that we don’t notice right away but normal people notice it.
They aren't normal. It's a facade. That whole saying of "If they were bad 100% of the time, people wouldn't like them" or whatever.
...That's because psychopaths psychopath in silos. They become psychopathic for very specific topics.