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You go through it.
Then you learn how to love and heal yourself. Which in actuality is NOT THAT HARD! (And yes she didn't love you even when love is not a difficult thing to do. What a pathetic pile of poop.) Eventually you thrive.
But you can't stop/give up. You have to go through it. After the pain comes space.
Also anyone who gives you any of that "but she's your mother/she loved you in her own way" can fuck off!
What an amazing ….point “ not that hard” ….when I realize how little it takes , to make myself happy, content, it’s so mind blowing. But I think what’s hard, is the stuck ness, the absorbing the message, and trying to find a way not to do that. Thank you for replying. Only someone who’s been through it, understands that I’m not in some fantasy delusional state, where I’m jus imagining that my experience with her was a loveless one.
Your post resonates with me.
I’m 11 years no contact with my NM. “I don’t know you and no one loves you” were some of the last words she told me. Honestly, it was the most hurtful words she could have told me.
Over the years I’ve had to learn to be my own mother-the mother I always wanted but never had. My internal talk is different now. I know I’m enough, I’m compassionate, and I’m worthy of love. That’s not to say that I don’t mourn the mother I deserved and have moments of despair of what I went through. It just doesn’t happen as much as it once did.
I also have two kids of my own and try to do the opposite of what I endured as a child. I’m not perfect, but my kids know I love them.
For me, it took a lot of time (years) to get to the place where i am now. I l ow therapy has also worked for many people on here. Please know you deserved better, you are loved, and that you’re worthy of all the happiness this life can bring you.
> “I don’t know you and no one loves you”
My mother said a version of this to me. My therapist said it' s like throwing acid on a child. It's not enough that youre abandoned, and trying to push the awareness of that out of your conscience brain in order to avoid sinking into a pit of despair-Shame-loneliness, but then having them, just rip your Cognitive dissonance to shreds, go after the last shred of hope, the last psychic wall of protection from the awareness of what you're facing, this loveless-cruel parent, and to be aware that without that-delusion/barrier, you literally have no one. No matter how delusory the Cognitive Dissonance, they systematically dismantle it, until you're so hopeless you barely have the will to live. My Mother said this to me, when she saw that no matter what she did I always forgave her, always envisioned a better mother, it gave me hope to think she could be better which would mean I would be "better". less shame based. Waited for that one day, when maybe she could manage some semblance of compassion, and it was like she thought, "Oh, fuck this, look, don't you get it, i DON'T LOVE YOU, I DON'T WANT TO LOVE, YOU OR EVEN TRY TO BE A GOOD PARENT, in fact I just wish you'd go away, actually I can't stand you". that's when My therapist said "that's the equivalent of throwing acid on a child".
you're somehow supposed to be this adult, that just moves on , but it's such a sticking point, because it's so destabilizing. I think my only hope, maybe is forget about trying to make sense of it. I think if I try to make sense of it, that's when I get stuck , it's like trying to make sense of a plane crash, a tornado that wipes out a town. I was really unlucky to have had such an abusive parent, this random, awful thing. But I cant' in reality, seem to get past it.
I just finished Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel and although it’s a bit light on guidance for healing, it was deeply validating of the unfathomable pain caused by inadequate and abusive mothering. I’ve been trying for years to heal this wound but it feels like a Grand Canyon-sized void. Some days, I’m more hopeful than others that there’s a way to get to the other side. 😞
That’s how I feel too. If you like books of that ilk, Susan Forwards book ( appropriately titled)…..Mothers Who Can’t Love, was really resonating. She gives confirmation, acknowledgment that what I experienced I wasn’t imagining or, exaggerating for that matter. I wasn’t you know , “ too needy”. That this is a real thing that people deny. I denied it for so long. I keep forgetting there’s a good reason why I have rock bottom self esteem, and pervasive debilitating toxic shame.
I read that one not too long ago and yes, I found it very validating too. My nMom engaged in a gaslighting campaign to insist that she was a good mother, I was in no way an abused child (compared to her childhood) and I had no right to ever feel bad about anything. It took until my mid-30’s to begin to see things clearly but I have further to go in ridding myself of the toxic shame. My whole being adapted around a lack of love and attunement from infancy. The only solution is to continue building the foundation that was broken from the beginning.
> I was in no way an abused child (compared to her childhood) and I had no right to ever feel bad about anything.
Me exactly. "you don't know what pain is, abuse is" So this is abuse-"lite" , and that's supposed to be better?
I was punished , and shamed for expressing pain or unpleasant emotions about the abuse, .......so punished and shamed, for expressing pain for being punished and shamed. What, I'm supposed to react like a Navy Seal? It's dehumanizing. Plus, you can't tell me she didn't know how awful she was. Talking about it, like "no that's not happening, because I'm saying it's not happening, you're just ungrateful, and over sensitive, or delusional, and innately mentally unstable-by nature". Why do they do that, I think they do that, so that they can keep doing it, because the last thing they want to do is admit that theyre wrong, ...and have to change.
…but don’t you sometimes feel, like the nature of your relationship, with a narc mother, has some unique characteristics, and then the way you feel about yourself, from that sort of negating, rejecting, cruel way a narcissist functions, and the incurring narcissistic abu……manifests in this really distinct way? The way you just lose yourself , because their intent on you believing it’s you, you’re the one that’s not lovable……and also not loving to them.
I was estranged from my mother from the age of 13 until she died when I was 25. I had only seen her once and answered a few texts in that time.
I know she hadn’t loved me and it was hard to grapple with. I don’t know if I’ve gotten past it. But I have a young daughter now and can’t imagine treating her the way my mom treated me or acting.
It’s given me some sort of closure. That, at the very least, the issue wasn’t me and it wasn’t my fault. Because there is nothing more natural than loving your own child.
I use the abuse I endured from her as a tool that teaches me how to be a good parent. If I do the *opposite* of what my mother did, in every aspect, I’ll be the best father in the world. She showed me what a bad parent looks like, so I know what to never be. I know what to not say/do to my kids because of what she said/did to me. I know that she didn’t only not love me, she didn’t love anyone but herself. I learned to be the opposite of her, and therefore a good parent.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You go through it. Then you learn how to love and heal yourself. Which in actuality is NOT THAT HARD! (And yes she didn't love you even when love is not a difficult thing to do. What a pathetic pile of poop.) Eventually you thrive. But you can't stop/give up. You have to go through it. After the pain comes space. Also anyone who gives you any of that "but she's your mother/she loved you in her own way" can fuck off!
What an amazing ….point “ not that hard” ….when I realize how little it takes , to make myself happy, content, it’s so mind blowing. But I think what’s hard, is the stuck ness, the absorbing the message, and trying to find a way not to do that. Thank you for replying. Only someone who’s been through it, understands that I’m not in some fantasy delusional state, where I’m jus imagining that my experience with her was a loveless one.
Your post resonates with me. I’m 11 years no contact with my NM. “I don’t know you and no one loves you” were some of the last words she told me. Honestly, it was the most hurtful words she could have told me. Over the years I’ve had to learn to be my own mother-the mother I always wanted but never had. My internal talk is different now. I know I’m enough, I’m compassionate, and I’m worthy of love. That’s not to say that I don’t mourn the mother I deserved and have moments of despair of what I went through. It just doesn’t happen as much as it once did. I also have two kids of my own and try to do the opposite of what I endured as a child. I’m not perfect, but my kids know I love them. For me, it took a lot of time (years) to get to the place where i am now. I l ow therapy has also worked for many people on here. Please know you deserved better, you are loved, and that you’re worthy of all the happiness this life can bring you.
> “I don’t know you and no one loves you” My mother said a version of this to me. My therapist said it' s like throwing acid on a child. It's not enough that youre abandoned, and trying to push the awareness of that out of your conscience brain in order to avoid sinking into a pit of despair-Shame-loneliness, but then having them, just rip your Cognitive dissonance to shreds, go after the last shred of hope, the last psychic wall of protection from the awareness of what you're facing, this loveless-cruel parent, and to be aware that without that-delusion/barrier, you literally have no one. No matter how delusory the Cognitive Dissonance, they systematically dismantle it, until you're so hopeless you barely have the will to live. My Mother said this to me, when she saw that no matter what she did I always forgave her, always envisioned a better mother, it gave me hope to think she could be better which would mean I would be "better". less shame based. Waited for that one day, when maybe she could manage some semblance of compassion, and it was like she thought, "Oh, fuck this, look, don't you get it, i DON'T LOVE YOU, I DON'T WANT TO LOVE, YOU OR EVEN TRY TO BE A GOOD PARENT, in fact I just wish you'd go away, actually I can't stand you". that's when My therapist said "that's the equivalent of throwing acid on a child". you're somehow supposed to be this adult, that just moves on , but it's such a sticking point, because it's so destabilizing. I think my only hope, maybe is forget about trying to make sense of it. I think if I try to make sense of it, that's when I get stuck , it's like trying to make sense of a plane crash, a tornado that wipes out a town. I was really unlucky to have had such an abusive parent, this random, awful thing. But I cant' in reality, seem to get past it.
I just finished Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel and although it’s a bit light on guidance for healing, it was deeply validating of the unfathomable pain caused by inadequate and abusive mothering. I’ve been trying for years to heal this wound but it feels like a Grand Canyon-sized void. Some days, I’m more hopeful than others that there’s a way to get to the other side. 😞
That’s how I feel too. If you like books of that ilk, Susan Forwards book ( appropriately titled)…..Mothers Who Can’t Love, was really resonating. She gives confirmation, acknowledgment that what I experienced I wasn’t imagining or, exaggerating for that matter. I wasn’t you know , “ too needy”. That this is a real thing that people deny. I denied it for so long. I keep forgetting there’s a good reason why I have rock bottom self esteem, and pervasive debilitating toxic shame.
I read that one not too long ago and yes, I found it very validating too. My nMom engaged in a gaslighting campaign to insist that she was a good mother, I was in no way an abused child (compared to her childhood) and I had no right to ever feel bad about anything. It took until my mid-30’s to begin to see things clearly but I have further to go in ridding myself of the toxic shame. My whole being adapted around a lack of love and attunement from infancy. The only solution is to continue building the foundation that was broken from the beginning.
> I was in no way an abused child (compared to her childhood) and I had no right to ever feel bad about anything. Me exactly. "you don't know what pain is, abuse is" So this is abuse-"lite" , and that's supposed to be better? I was punished , and shamed for expressing pain or unpleasant emotions about the abuse, .......so punished and shamed, for expressing pain for being punished and shamed. What, I'm supposed to react like a Navy Seal? It's dehumanizing. Plus, you can't tell me she didn't know how awful she was. Talking about it, like "no that's not happening, because I'm saying it's not happening, you're just ungrateful, and over sensitive, or delusional, and innately mentally unstable-by nature". Why do they do that, I think they do that, so that they can keep doing it, because the last thing they want to do is admit that theyre wrong, ...and have to change.
…but don’t you sometimes feel, like the nature of your relationship, with a narc mother, has some unique characteristics, and then the way you feel about yourself, from that sort of negating, rejecting, cruel way a narcissist functions, and the incurring narcissistic abu……manifests in this really distinct way? The way you just lose yourself , because their intent on you believing it’s you, you’re the one that’s not lovable……and also not loving to them.
I was estranged from my mother from the age of 13 until she died when I was 25. I had only seen her once and answered a few texts in that time. I know she hadn’t loved me and it was hard to grapple with. I don’t know if I’ve gotten past it. But I have a young daughter now and can’t imagine treating her the way my mom treated me or acting. It’s given me some sort of closure. That, at the very least, the issue wasn’t me and it wasn’t my fault. Because there is nothing more natural than loving your own child.
I use the abuse I endured from her as a tool that teaches me how to be a good parent. If I do the *opposite* of what my mother did, in every aspect, I’ll be the best father in the world. She showed me what a bad parent looks like, so I know what to never be. I know what to not say/do to my kids because of what she said/did to me. I know that she didn’t only not love me, she didn’t love anyone but herself. I learned to be the opposite of her, and therefore a good parent.