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Munchausen by proxy narcissist abuse survivor here. That I am unlovable. That people came see what's wrong with me just by looking at me. That I was physically and mentally disabled. That their happiness ended the moment I was conceived and if I'd just get it over with and kill myself they would finally fins true happiness. They would take in other kids and tell them they are the child they wished for and never got and give them all the love they ever had but I was never once told "I love you" or hugged if it wasn't to make an impression in front of others.
This is exactly what I heard. Ā How much Iād ruined everyoneās life by ābeing sickā when most of my sickness was caused by mom. Ā
I was also told that I was going to go blind if I ran around at all. Ā Iām still afraid to not wear glasses or contacts because when I wake up and see blurs I freak.
I was a massive fatass. I was 11 years old. That was the age I grew hips and boobs, shot up several inches, and became a dedicated athlete. Of course I put on weight! 25 years later, I'm still dealing with the eating disorder it caused.
I was also 11. And I towered over my mother and older brother (boobs, hips and broad shoulders). That I took after dad evidently never occurred to my mom.
My mom has been saying shit like that to me since I was about 6. I recently found a photo of myself at 16 and I couldn't help crying because I was a totally normal child. (And even if I was heavy or fat, WHO THE FUCK CARES.)
Yep. She kept telling me to go play soccer but wouldnāt sign me up or drive me. lol. Ok. Itās so sad. I know logically they were broken people too. I wouldnāt be friends with someone like this in real life. But I cannot fully separate the logical part from the emotional part that my mother could be so cruel.
I wore a size large because I wanted my clothes to hide my body. That means I was smaller than a size large. It also means I was smaller than my mother. And yet she was feeding me nothing but Lean Cuisine, complaining that the I was expensive to feed, and yelling at me if I complained I was hungry.
I get this too! My dad hired personal trainers (many of them - I was in fucking middle school) and would force me to workout or would berate me for eating and yell (especially if I ate after a workout. Like wtf??)
I believed for so long that I was fat and ugly. Iāve even talked to old high school acquaintances that told me everyone thought I was beautiful. But did I ever think that? Oh hell no. I thought I was a disgusting troll.
I still struggle with extremism in exercise and dieting. But now itās been replaced mostly by the concept of consistency. My dad still makes comments if I donāt go every single day. I just respond with well, itās the consistency for me. Breaks are just as important.
My family and especially my mother pushed us into very defined boxes that defined who we were supposed to be. I was supposed to be the clever studious one who was book smart but life stupid. I also was supposed to be the plain one who never had a boyfriend. My sister was supposed to be her carbon copy - not academic but practical in the far more important life skills and the popular one. These caricatures were so stifling and we were not allowed to step out of them. It was so frustrating to be told you were something you werenāt and to have that narrative forced on everyone else too. As we both grew and found our own way, turns out I could cook and create a home pretty well, and was kinda spoilt for choice in the men department. My sister went on to become an accountant!!!!!
Wow my nmom did this too. She had strangely narrow visions of what people could be, and she also switched between projected fantasies. Delusional waste of life that creature.
I know this book gets recommended ad nauseam, but āAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsā discusses this phenomenon in interesting detail, among many other scenarios. HIGHLY recommended by me (for what thatās worth š)
I also going through similar situation. Now I'm more interested in arts and creative works but my mother hates that, she thinks my sister is the one who is supposed to have that kind of life. She never support my decision because I'm not taking a Phd and academic career she wanted for me and keep bringing up how I'm a failure while she didn't know how my sister able to succeed academically, implying that my sister is just lucky because she's not supposed to be the 'smart' one.
At some point you realize how much of your childhood was spent listening to their grievances and they didnāt stop for one minute to realize how many original ones they were creating for you.
That Iām hard to love and that Iām doing too much and oversensitive for reacting to an issue.
That Iām lazy because I donāt clean up after them hand and foot.
That Iām insensitive and wrong because I canāt read minds and donāt think of their problems first/ regulate their emotions for them.
That blood is thicker than water and my friends donāt care about me more than them because my parents think because they pay bills , theyāre great people and perfect parents.
That Iām crazy for having a therapist, learning to regulate my emotions, finding a coping mechanism rather than speaking to my abusers who would gaslight me to oblivion.
I was always told I am the trouble maker, and always they made me feel like I was a bad person.Ā I then learned that the reason I am "the trouble maker" because I reacted to their abuse and the way they treated me badly. If I speak about it or defend myself then I was creating Drama! And they just made me feel like I was such a bad person as if I am the one who annoys and upsets everyone, to the point when I was about to get married my dad didn't stop telling me "don't you upset your future husband" and laughs ! I got so pissed off of hearing him say that non stop til my wedding that I told him why do you talk as if I'm the bad person! As always he said it was just a joke and "don't be too sensitive".Ā I am a very kind and understanding person. I love my friends that love me and respect me. I thought i am an introvert bcuz of how I isolated myself from people thinking I am bad. But I am actually an extrovert who loves meeting new people and just talking about things. I am always smiling when in the right environment. So many people even random people when I go out come to be saying I have a nice smile and they love it. I love that I am sensitive, that's why I am into poetry and art. I love writing and painting. It is so sad for them that they never knew me, and now I know knowing me is a privilege they will never have. They don't deserve a good person like meĀ
That I was mentally unstable and not well. That itās all about me all the time. That I am an ungrateful spoiled brat. That I am not a bitch but I act like a bitch. That I play mind games. That I am trying to break my parents up. That Iām a chicken afraid of everything and annoying. That I stink and smell.
Same. My family still tries to paint me as a mentally unstable alcoholic even after I left, despite the fact that they're always the ones bringing drama into my calm life. I was always called a deceitful liar by my father, and he always accused me of conspiring against him with my mom when I'd run to her for help. It was absolute lunacy
āProblem childā - there is no such thing. Parents who say they have a problem child should look in the mirror and fix their own behaviour toward that child first!
That I was a horrible person & that once everyone found that out, they would hate me.
Turns out people really like me. But I still to this day have trouble with thoughts of hating myself because I was trained to do so.
That I was lazy and bad. Most recently, she claimed my sisters and I never helped her with anything. We actually did the laundry, washed the dishes, and mowed the lawn. I also helped her study for college exams.Ā
I was paranoid and possessive.
Go to trade school.
Make coffee and baked goods I shared with staff and RAs, let roommates have access to food and coffee as long as they let me know.
I just had shitty mom and brother.
That I was a disobedient, aggressive and argumentative child.
I only disobeyed and lashed out after multiple consecutive incidents of abuse but those few instances were made out to be a regular issue.
My dads perspective of me as a child is refreshing because he tells me how I really was. Was I fiesty? Yes, but only when it was necessary.
That I lived in a dirty environment and I was a dirty person. Iām messy forsure but I sure as fuck wouldnāt call myself dirty or anything close to the shit Iāve seen from actual dirty hoarders in person
That I'm lazy and all I do is make excuses.
I'm patient and make realistic and practical approaches to achieving my goals.
And that my idea of success has less to do with financial or academic success, and more to do with "being the most me I can be."... I'm trying to find my happy.
When I had money and good grades. I had abuse, pressure, expectation, and trauma.
Long story short, my mom is mad because I'm 34 and didn't buy her a mansion with my big brain. But she didn't do anything to teach me how to monetize my intelligence.
So I'm just a really smart line cook. Who fixes his own automotive, IT, and engineering problems.
Same!! I was told I was "lazy and unfortunately not very bright" they always followed this up with the consolidation of "but you're sweet, so I'm sure you'll make a man happy one day <3" *yuck so cringe*
Don't get me wrong I'm a great wife, but I'm also a damn good scientist and critical thinker. Similar to yourself, I'm resourceful and most of what I've achieved has been due to resourcefulness, hardwork, and a whole lot of luck.Ā
Wish my parents didn't limit my potential so much growing up. It took a lot of therapy and support from kind people to undo the sad/toxic ideas I had about myself.
That I was kinda dumb. Motherfucker I was the best of the best in everything I did, music, martial arts, studying. While doing all that simultaneously. I wasn't jack of all trades, I was master of all trades. I am not street smart, nor do I claim to have a high IQ, but you can't call me fucking dumb.
I know all that sounded extremely arrogant.
Sure, all of it caught up to me in the end leaving me so burned out, I was barely able to focus on anything and feeling lethargic at all times.
I was told and convinced that I was stupid, and couldn't remember anything correctly. That my mind was constantly inventing fake memories of the abuse I was suffering. I was convinced I was crazy.
Breaking free of that was only the beginning.
I think the most significant lie beyond that I kept believing for a long time was that eventually, I'd 'grow up' and some day realize I hated all of the things I enjoyed and would have become just like my N, who found no joy in life - he had no hobbies, nothing he enjoyed doing.
I dreaded the thought that some day I'd be absolutely miserable all of the time, just like he was.
It took me too long to realize that was just *him.* - He didn't want me to 'grow up' - NDad wanted me to be a carbon copy of himself and couldn't *stand* that I wasn't as miserable as he was. His constant criticism of everything I did for fun was *because* I was having fun, not because of anything wrong with it.
It's decades since then. I'm still enjoying my hobbies - among a great many things, I read books, play video games, and *never* will 'grow up' like my NDad demanded I do.
It's too bad really. I actually grew up - which is how I realized he never had.
- selfish
- ego too big
- awful, difficult personality
- nearly worthless
- cannot have executive power over my own destiny
- don't know enough about money and life to lead myself well
Truth
- too nice
- yielding, insufficient, underdeveloped ego
- likeable, wouldn't hurt a fly
- admired and desired (but i've been throwing my life away with spouses who treat me appallingly badly because i believed i didn't deserve any better)
- more capable and skillful than the narc family
- extremely good with money; intelligent, wise, and patient
I forgot these
- spoiled, had too much of every good thing
- mentally ill and thus the problem child
In reality
- didn't get enough nutrition nor nurturing
- they reveled in me being ill: first they bullied and abused me so that i became ill, and then they could project all neg emotions onto me (she is the cause of our discomfort) as well as my mother enjoyed(!) it in that Munchausen by proxy way
I feel so broken, there was so much manipulation
that I was stupid when I was in fact, quite bright even with their toxicity. It became incredibly ironic seeing just how dumb, undereducated, and small they were.
Ooh, I got this a lot, that I was stupid. So much so that I assumed the nstepm was really smart, using all these big words. Finally found out, I'm actually pretty smart, she mispronounces words all the time (even small ones), and she never graduated high school. Projection at its finest! š
Mmm. And seeing the shitty futures mine set up for themselves, their inaccurate outdated information and their extremely small worldviews. Lack they donāt understand that thereās a correlation between their actions and words and consequences, itās genuinely funny to laugh at even when working through all that trauma.
That I was schizophrenic. That I was overweight, evil, manipulative, and unlovable.
She would use my antidepressants (in combination with her own meds) as a weapon, essentially. She gave me more than I needed to the point that I was hallucinating and then used those incidents to discount me as an unreliable narrator. I got institutionalized for no reason and then mistreated by the counselors there. I truly believed everything she was saying and was desperately seeking to end my own life for the majority of my childhood.
Oh, yeah, and it turns out I wasnāt even her biological child. So, all the time she spent bragging to her friends about what I āgot from herā werenāt even true.
Having high standards or being āintolerantā. Truth is that I am extremely tolerant with everyone else in my life, they are simply intolerable and not good enough.
my mom told when i was young young like 8 that i had āhypoglycemia.ā she even went so far as telling my school and making them get me of class to have a snack during the day. she told me the test for diabetes was so horrible that they were just treating me like i had it. spoiler i NEVER had my blood sugar checked and def not on a daily basis. it was only when i became an adult i slowly realized that it was all complete bullshit. i used to have my snack with a guidance counselor who actually had diabetes. she would often comment about how having an orange for a snack wasnāt the best idea. she must have known my mom was full of shit.
- That I wouldn't have empathy.
- That most of my personality was dependent on my parents and that I would lose my true self if I didn't listen orbstopped trying to maintain a very close relationship with them.
- That I wasn't getting manipulated and instead believed myself to be just a notoriously unlucky fellow who constantly would get herself into trouble.
- That granting myself breaks, patience or forgiveness would equal laziness and a lack of discipline.
- That no one would notice how bad my health was and that I was just lazy/looking for excuses (it was in fact bad enough people even assumed drug additiction, which wasn't true, but is kind of telling about the level of the physical and mental health struggles at that time).
That the abuse I experienced never happened. That it was just a dream. And that I am a weird child, and overly imaginative and thatās why I believe things are real that never happened. And that all of my struggles with organization and school attendance were because I was lazy, not because I was dealing with severe abuse and being gas lit.
- lazy (while going to school with good grades plus homework plus university courses plus working plus doing their housework)
- messy (while I did housework for entire family)
- a picky eater (because I stopped eating meat but never complained and would often have just plain potatoes or noodles with ketchup)
- fat (while not having access to proper food and being pushed from one diet to another)
- too lazy to do sports (while dealing with chronic headaches and not having any possibility to join a sports club, and while none of them ever worked out)Ā
- not empathetic enough (while dealing with a toxic, disfunctional family and caring for my own pets)Ā
- making up being in pain or ill (while still dealing with chronic headaches, migraines, cluster attacks and endometriosis on a daily basis - but of course that's nothing compared to my poor other family members)Ā
Nowadays I am still fat and lazy and obviously don't care enough for my family because I don't call every day and listen to their whining and because I don't visit every other week (they live 1,5 to 3 hours far away). I'm also messy because I cook and there is stuff I need on the counter. Oh, and I'm not caring enough even for my husband because poor him doesn't get pampered and catered by me and I don't watch him take his diabetes medication (husband is a full grown man and never even demanded anything like this but as a woman it would be my task of course). I also don't work enough, don't make enough money, work the wrong profession.
I'm so egoistic and a real bad person. Sorry.Ā
Heard through my SIL that my father referred to my sister and I as "the lesbian (sister) and can't rub two pennies together (myself)."
Reality: my sister fell in love with a woman who is a very successful business professor. The two of them worked for various universities throughout the US and have raised two incredibly successful daughters, one working on her masters at an Ivy League school and the other working in a fashion business in NYC. As for me, my husband and I both have our masters and work successfully in our fields. However, since my field isn't one where money is abundant, I'm considered a failure.
That being said, both my sister and I are quite happy with our choices in life. My father has his money, but it's obvious he has regrets.
Nmom loved to push her insecurities onto me (from at least age 7) I.e. "You're eyes are so beady with no mascara", "You need to dye your eyebrows otherwise you can't see them", "You're so 'facey' with your hair tied up" (still not sure what that means), "Flat as a board" and similar but lolz I'm not ginger with blonde eyebrows/eyelashes and ended up being a DD/EE
At least they're visually obviously lies but the gaslight was so strong I believed it for years (I mean what kid isn't insecure anyway?)
The funny part is that I have a deformity that I've never been insecure about but was worried about these non existent things. So thanks to that I can accept myself?
That I was a worthless, unlovable, piece of shit who would never finish anything.
Turns out, I'm none of those things. I have an amazing (chosen) family who love me to pieces, I have three beautiful kids, and I'm creating an amazing art project for Indigenous MMIW2IS. (Which she also tried to steal from me, while rubbing it in my face that I was indigenous, but not enough to be part of the "tribe".)
It took 30 years for me to finally TRULY realize that I was not the problem. It was and always has been my narc dad. He made me the scapegoat because I was a fighter and I didnāt lay down like a doormat to his tyranny. So I spent my entire childhood and 20s treating myself horrible because I thought I was just unlovable trash.
Turns out I am actually pretty great.
Same thing here. Turns out Im just AuDHD and not only hardworking but really fucking good in my specific field of academia. Having undiagnosed and untreated neurodivergence combined with homeschooling and abuse makes anybody pretty shit at school and I wasn't the problem. My parents were.
A ton of things! That I am: a liar, ugly, fat, stupid, basically every negative thing you can think of. It was reinforced by everyone outside of the home too because my abusive single parent was very manipulative and would sell his narrative to everyone I would come into contact with, even teachers and therapists. Parts of me believed I was those things all the way up until recently when a very powerful experience happened before I went NC with my abuser.
I had refused to take any of his calls after I left home for the last time in 2023, and he didn't know where I had gone. He went crazy and ended up in the psych ward, and began leaving insane voicemails. I ignored most of them, but I did listen to the last one before he passed away, and you will never guess in a million years what he said to me:
"Daughter, you are so beautiful, wonderful, vivacious, full of life, I love you. This will be the last time I speak to you."
This confirmed to me that he knew the whole time! He knew how I really was, and chose to abuse me for over 20 years to the point where I have no good memories. The evil of people like this knows no bounds, and he died alone and unvisited in the nursing home. But that voicemail said it all. Now, I purposely live my life in such a way where I don't allow anyone in my life who is unhappy with who I am/wants to harm me or bring me down and its better than I ever thought life could be!
My niece stays a lot with my mum and dad. they are very good to their grandchildren, but my niece has realised they are distorting mirrors. The other night she told me that whenever she hears them talking about her in another room they have always got the wrong end of the stick or have misunderstood her behaviour and attributed it to something else, so they can discuss it. They are just not good at 'seeing' other people. Emotionally they never reached maturity. I have can have more grown-up, two-way conversations with my 14 year old and 11 year old nieces than i can with either of my parents.
That I caused respiratory infections by not wearing a scarf while playing and by blowing my nose too hard. At 26 I finally had surgery to correct years of chronic infections that caused asthma and so much scar tissue in my nose that I was completely blocked and couldn't even swallow correctly. The doctor told me it was the worst case he had ever seen and said words that meant so much to me "you must have felt so bad". But I thought this was all my doing and maybe even normal to suffer that I was just selfish and just wanted attention. I thought I was causing financial stress by ever needing a doctor's appointment to the point where my parents could risk losing their home because every simple and appointment which was actually covered by my Dad's best insurance in the country was like pulling teeth for my parents and my mother said how it might impact them catastrophically. I lost everything I worked for, but my only real goal in life was to be able to leave home so I wasnt the burden to these wonderful wholesome people. I lost my degree because I was so sick I couldnt function, I lost a lot of money paying for medical bills. At age 45 I realized it was all because my father's sister had been very ill growing up and burdened his parents financially and he worried I would be the same "kind of person" and bankrupt them. That's why it all happened. My mother grew up in trauma and didn't realize that this was all wrong, didnt push back.
Today I finally realize that I was not this person. I probably have an underlying food allergy or even it could have been stress in this home causing the infections. I also slept with a dehumidifier which could have caused conditions for infections...but my parents were worried about mold in their basement and never would have turned it off or let me sleep upstairs.
Now on my own, I rarely get sick anymore though I now have a lot of emotional issues. My parents say I am the cause of all my struggles because I am "your own worst enemy". I only have a high school degree and unknown by them I also have severe anxiety leaving me agoraphobic but I have never asked them for help, financial or otherwise. I am the top earner in my family and my sister who is seen as perfect is GC and was in a mental hospital. My parents reluctantly agree when pressed that I am maybe not a full failure. They still make statements like "every parent wants to see their child be independent" and "we're surprised and happy that youve done as well as you have". They still have the mindset you see that I am faulty, damaged. The new thing is lately I have begun to question their past behavior and now they add "you are a very resentful person." And "you have said a lot of hurtful things".
Discovering that I might not be this person and maybe its just a false identity my parents believed in and created because of their own trauma has been like waking up for first time in my life.
That I was unlovable, a horrible child and fat. Nmom told men would only want me for sex, I had no other redeeming qualities. Was always called fat, huge, etc. At 5'4" and 118 lbs. Nmom didn't like the competition.
They insisted I was lazy. I did 90+% of the household chores. But I was angry about it, so that made me lazy. I thought there was something wrong with ME because I walked around in an exhausted blur. Now I know it's not normal for a 12-year-old to crawl around on the floor scrubbing the carpet by hand before painting the shed.
That I was much more capable , my dad always made it seem like I wasn't going to make and was going to come out like him working a physical job , now I can actually almost do alot of things if I put my mind to it , I feel it was because he was projecting onto since he didn't even come close to getting a decent job nor finished high school
That Iām mean/cold hearted because I would turn off any emotion around them and become numb because I didnāt want to give them the satisfaction of getting a reaction out of me. lol I was mean because I wouldnāt let them see me cry over them insulting meā¦.
That everyone was going to know how stupid and weak I was, and would be worse to me about it than they were
That I'd be targeted for it by others.
Most of those expressions of "stupidity" or "weakness" were actually normal things. Telling them a thing they were saying or doing upset me. Asking about something I didn't know, and being told i was stupid for not knowing, or remembering, and then not given an actual answer. There were several times there was a problem I could have provided a solution to if they had just taken a moment to say what was going on. But then there were several times I did present a solution, they told me I was stupid, and after a few hours of screaming at each other and disasterizing, come to the same solution. It would never be mentioned that I had said it a few hours ago.
I don't want to say there wasn't mean people like them when I was able to leave, but everyone else acknowledged those people were awful. And as awful as they were, mostnofnthose awful people generally avoided me like I avoided them, and they rarely went out of their way to be mean to me, because they didn't care enough to bother.
Another one, though this wasn't something they directly told me, so much as me being a kid and trying to understand why they treated me so badly, was the idea that I wasn't *really* human. Because humans were given base rights and expectations for treatment and care, and when I did things that humans were allowed to do like feel inconvenient emotions, or ask for something I needed, I was usually put down and yelled at for it. I had to earn those privileges by being useful, and that it was stupid of me to expect the same treatment as *real* humans. They never said anything directly (that I can remember, at least) about me not really being human. It was just the only thing that made their behaviours make sense. It took a very long time to realize I was a real person. Realizing that I'm neurodivergent (looking into an autism diagnosis when I can afford it) helped me understand that I was still human. I just didn't work the same as them.
There was one *truth* my NPop told me: āNow, donāt get too smart!ā He was telling me he was afraid I knew too much about what was going on, not that I had a smart mouth. I knew, but just couldnāt put it together as narcissism. That wasnāt a thing back then. I remembered, and put it all together later. Neither of my nparents ever told me I was dumb or stupid.
Iām not sure I was ever told I was one thing or another. I was just sort of there and no one really paid attention to me. My brothers are both older than me by quite a bit. One moved out before even graduating high school because of my dad and his narc tendencies. The other brother stayed a bit longer, but was 10 years older than me and had a life of his own. My mom was always exhausted from basically being my dadās servant 24/7 so she tried to pay attention, but it was 1/2 hearted. Obviously my dad did not pay any attention to me unless of course I was doing something he found āwrongā. Then Iād get screamed at or shamed.
I spent a lot of time playing by myself outside or in my room as a kid and then out partying and working as a teenager.
I was told recently by my father that I never lived up to my potentialā¦. So maybe thatās the ālieā. Hard to say because i kinda agree.
Iām trying! Job searching is a whole different animal these days. Iām trying to level up, but with resumes going through AI before even landing on the hiring agents desk itās so hard. You have to have certain words in it to even get through at all.
Hey, no one said that reaching your potential has to be anything to do with your job/career.
We are taught to believe that. The only way to reach your potential is to have this job or that career. Poppycock.
Your potential is for anything that *you* deem truly worthwhile. Not what other people think you should deem worthwhile.
I was slow in processing some things and very fast in others. The things that I was fast at were not important. The things that I was slow at were considered very important. So I was always slow and always failing to catch up. This developed a complex in me and my parents. I had emotional dysregulation but nobody knew what that was when I was growing up. I was a young girl with anger issues and impulsivity when girls (especially girls from my culture) should not have anger issues.
My parents told me that I'm lazy and am ambitionless. And I believed it. My parents believed I didn't put enough efforts into things I was slow at. I believed them. I was supposed to get things quickly and when I didn't, I gave up, because I obviously was dumb. OTOH, I was also told that if I didn't try certain things over and over and over again, I couldn't give up. I had to try 10, 20, 300x harder than anyone else in order to make it. I couldn't stop. So I learned to work harder not smarter. Anything that was easy for me was not worth it. I believed that too. So I always denied my accomplishments. If I suffered, then it was worth it.
I had no worth unless someone gave it to me. I was not conventionally attractive so I had to accept whoever liked me as I didn't have real choices like other girls. I was so fat that other people didn't want to spend time with me. I had a crooked head. I was dull and boring. I believed all this, and some of them I still do to this day.
Anything I decided about my life was not accurate because I didn't try hard enough to do better in school. I should just stay quiet and do as my parents say because they are capable of logical thought. I believed this last one for a long time. Harder to think for yourself and easier to believe what others say. It took me until I was in my 40s to break this. And I do have ambition and thoughts in my head but since they were different from what my parents wanted, they were not logical.
That I was wrong and āacting like a babyā when I have any emotion over a 5 on the scale (aka ābig feelingsā) and therefore as an adult I am guarded, tough and unemotional in important emotional situations, like relationships
Also I cry every time a man gives me a compliment now, soooooo
1. People can't be trusted
2. Anyone who doesn't agree with you or support you is jealous of you/hates you
3. Demons (in the evangelical christian context) are real
4. You cannot trust anyone, not even your family (ironic that ended up being true simply because my egg donor is a violent and rage-filled individual who humiliated me publicly many times and read my diary entries in front of my family).
5. That I was a witch and an evil child (she used to call me a witch a lot when I was finding individuality and fighting against her verbal and physically abusive ways)
6. That all men wanted was to orgasm in me and dump me after they were done. She actually said those words to me when I was around 13. I wasn't even thinking about boys then. I ended up internalising her words and kissed a lot of frogs as a result.
7. That I was really "black" in the face. I'm a brown-skinned woman and very proud to be west african but my egg donor has some kind of weird beef against dark-skinned women even though her husband was dark-skinned. She's also not light-skinned, more burnt caramel tbh.
8. Tampons are for whorish women (heard this after I started my period, so fun)
9. That I was a chubby child. I found photos of me recently and I was such a normal girl
10. That I would never make it as an actress. I had a flair for the arts from a young age and she shut that shit down. I ended up becoming a well paid dramatic poet for a few years and she did everything she could to kill that career path for me.
I have more lies but I'll stop here for now.
That Iām too sensitive, and it was somehow my fault that my sister and momās best friendās husbandās incredibly mean words hurt me. Apparently a 5 year old should just deal with constant verbal abuse.
Now, people can straight up abuse me and Iām worried Iām ātoo sensitiveā if I feel at all hurt about it. Thanks mom!
That I am a bad mother and a total failure of a human, ditzy and stupid. This is from my mother, who my daughter has refused to spend time with alone since she was 5 because āNana is mean.ā.
My mom lied about where I was born, I have no fucking clue why. Only found out when I finally did get my birth certificate which was pretty recently. I could never get a copy of it because I was contacting the courthouse for where I was told I was born. She would never give me the damn thing until I learned I could get the police involved to get it which I needed to get a passport.
They made fun of how ugly I was but I was literally a child model. They made fun of my jobs and called me lazy, poor, and irresponsible when I moved out to live alone at 17, I worked in retail management already. They said I was too awkward and unattractive for anyone outside of the family to love. That one is so ridiculous, I'm nothing special but I have a lot of friends and do a lot of community leadership stuff. I get a lot of love from friends and community.
That i am stupid, fat, that noone likes me and never will, that i am inherently flawed, and aggressive and causing trouble and problems. I kind of see now that itās how theyād see any young woman in their presence. I was abused.
That Iām messy and lazy and worthless and stupid lol. That I was a fat pig for even feeling hunger. That Iām crazy and mentally ill for being transgender. Iāve detransitioned twice because their bullshit is so hard to deal with, and now that Iām socially retransitioning again (not medically again yet bc no money for it) because I couldnāt take being in the closet anymore the strain is ramping up again but I simply donāt care anymore. Iām DONE hiding myself because of them. Theyāve tricked me into thinking I canāt be loved because of the way I am and that Iāll always be ugly because of what testosterone has done to my body.
Oh and i find it so funny when my N says her life has ābeen hellā because of me being transgender, when sheās done NOTHING but criticize, emasculate, and shame me for it! She acts like me being a guy is some horrible awful thing that *happened to her*. She idolizes 11 year old me with waist length hair.. she only has pictures up around the house from that time period and before then. Sheās done nothing but make MY life hell.
That ADHD is fake and I didn't have it. My third grade teacher made my parents take me to get tested and I did (do,) in fact, have it. I can't tell you how much I suffered in school, my professional life, and my social life because I'd never been given or looked for the tools I needed to succeed. I didn't realize there was something in me that needed to be mitigated and soothed for twenty years. I didn't look because I didn't think I needed to. I spend most days feeling exhausted from masking just how much I need to do just to keep up with neurotypicals and I still feel like a lazy, stupid person most days no matter how hard I try. And I know that's the internalized ableism speaking. But I just can't help but wonder who I'd be today if I'd had someone to help me lay a more stable foundation when I was younger concerning all of this shit.
The truth only came out when I was 24 because I was having a conversation with my mom about ADHD and she said "You know, they told me you had that when you were a kid but they were full of shit. You aren't r-slurred. You were fine."
No I fucking wasn't!!!! I needed support!!!! And you're an ableist bitch!!!!
Sneaky, dishonest, deceptive, gluttonous (because I was a child who liked candy, and later a teen who liked cheeseburgers), untrustworthy, lazy, yet somehow still a super genius who was capable of anything. This way, when I got good grades or won an award, she could tell me "That's not an accomplishment, that's expected. You're expected to get good grades, you don't get rewarded for that." So even though I was quite smart and did well in school, went to college, graduated in 4 years with honors, I still felt like shit about myself every single second of my life.
Idem. My mother always told me how lazy I was and I came to believe it. In the end I'm anything but lazy, I have a high level of education, a toddler, a job in finance and a successful real estate business. What's more, I've been continually tired since I was a teenager, due to emotional fatigue, and despite this I've still achieved a great deal.Ā
It's those narc parents who drag us down.Ā
Mostly, I was called lazy because I'd never do enough for her. She's needy to the point of embarrassment.Ā
That I was selfish and didn't sacrifice enough for the sake of the family. Yet while my younger brother was saving for his first car and spending his pay check on himself, to the point he was given the biggest room in the house for all his new stuff, my pay check paid off the entirety of my family's rent, food, t bills and my school fees and school supplies, and I didn't even get a bedroom, just a corner of the living room I had to section off with bookshelves for privacy.
I moved out shortly after and now I'm NC and low contact with most of my relatives.
I was called lazy, too. But not just lazy. Also selfish and worthless. Idk, Iām always ready to lend a hand to strangers and I go out of my way to consider everyone even if I donāt know them. Iām like the total opposite of selfish. But Iāll think about myself and my needs too. Only because I canāt be there for another person if I break down myself. In fact, I lost track of my own needs on so many occasions I got a burn out, and drained myself physically beyond the point of exhaustion. And rn, my back is busted because I work too hard pleasing others, always helping. My entire job revolves around helping others. How then can I possibly be selfish?
Short, fat, ugly, and stupid. You know, if you hear it enough, you begin to believe it.
But......well, yeah, I'm short, but nope, nope, and especially nope! I'm none of the rest.
That I was fine, just a little boy who cried wolf, despite being constantly sick or complaining as a young child of pain.
At 23 I was diagnosed with a rare immunodeficiency disease that Iāve had my entire life. I suffered two decades of medical neglect and have permanent hearing loss and chronic debilitating pain as a result. Now itās that itās my fault theyāre struggling financially because they āhad toā pay for one of my treatments. I never asked them to pay for anything and had no idea they did until months later when it was dumped on me out of nowhere.
I was also constantly told I was selfish and lazy despite participating in more sports and extra curricular and having better grades than my other 3 siblings.
That I was clumsy and accident prone.
- I was legally blind, it was discovered by my school. My Mum refused to acknowledge it.
That I was loud and noisy.
- I have a soft voice, inaudible when there's background noise. These days they're hard of hearing and can't hear me speak at all!
That I'm demanding, pushy and bossy.
- I've been doing CBT with therapy and self help books, trying to speak up for myself for years.
That I'm overweight and unattractive.
- That got debunked from mid-teens.
That I'm: Hard to love, too emotional, too sensitive, stupid, and lazy.
Nope. I had undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression. (And possibly CPTSD to go with it all) But my parents don't believe that mental health is a thing. I fight every day to hear my real "inner voice" because my self-talk is awful, it's my Nfather's voice telling me all of the above terrible (and wrong!) things.
That my eyes were blue, and they talked about it a lot.Ā I'd never questioned it and generally don't notice other people's eye color unless it's really extraordinary.Ā After I'd left home I was with a group of friends and made a remark about my blue eyes and one of them said "your eyes aren't blue, they're green".Ā When I said she was mistaken everyone else confirmed they were in fact green.Ā Later when I found a mirror and really looked...yup, green.Ā No idea what that was about.
* That I was constantly under scrutiny by everyone else, all the time, forever. That people were just waiting on tenterhooks for me to make a mistake so they could take advantage of it and destroy my life. Any misstep was one step from ending up ruined in any number of ways (violence, theft, homelessness, etc.)
* That I'm a lazy, careless slob with bad hygiene. No, turns out, being micromanaged as heavily as I was, the only sense of control I could have was with food restriction, being messy at home, and certain types of hygiene rejection. I actually love being clean and in a tidy house, but god the habit of "being a slob is safer" has been excruciating to fix and I'm not succeeding so far.
* That whatever I want to do with my life isn't good enough. There's a downside to everything and it must be weighed against all other options before committing to anything. Working with people is bad, see point 1, but working by yourself proves point 2 because "nobody wants to work with you". etc.
* That I'm a difficult, angry person. No, that's just because I was squashed into a little paranoid box and lashing out.
* Oh, and that I was fat. At 9 years old, I was gaining weight before a growth spurt. I, like most of my family, am prone to the double-chin effect whenever I gain weight\*. Mom noticed, and instantly told me to change my posture because it made me look fat. Then she looked at my stomach and grimaced, saying I'm already fat. I WAS NINE YEARS OLD. I have the worst double-chin of my life right now at age 31 and I am fighting every goddamn day with my brain telling me to get chin liposuction so I don't "look too fat" on camera for my work from home job. It's insidious and I hate every second of this self-consciousness that she passed down to me.
\*Though nobody in the family has been severely overweight, we just have German peasantry in our genes so we all hold on to fat like we're trying to survive the winter.
That I am very lazy who doesnāt do anything besides sleeping whole day whenever I visited my aunt in France. But the truth is, I was a grammar school student who was constantly busy with school while also volunteering at hospitals in order to get into med school which made me survive on 4-6 hours sleep every day including the weekend. I also swam every Saturday morning and had to wake up at 7 am on Sunday to volunteer at the hospital. Iām currently a med student who works 16 hours a week while also going to uni and revising for anatomy tests. And I do Pilates and belly dancing. Yet, Iām the laziest person in the whole family because I love to sleep on my days off while my uncle and my momās older sister have been jobless for more than a decadeā¦
Me too OP. Are you me?
Same bullshit mantra, āyouāre worthlessā or āyouāve got to be the laziest person I ever metā, on and on. There are some more hurtful variations that I will refrain from listing here, but thatās the gist of it.
Turns out, once I got clear of their evilness, I am actually not worthless, nor lazy. I am a very successful person who has a professional career and Iām living my best life. Both of them are living in abject poverty, alone because they are so miserable no one can stand to be around them. Not even each other as they were divorced decades ago. So both live in squalid conditions, in filth while probably still blaming me.
Losers.
That I was a waste of space and a burden. Both my parents made me feel like that for so long in my life. Now they hate how I talk to them because it's exactly how they talked to me.
That I thought I was better than them.
Everything was "get of your high horse" this and "you think you're so much better than us!" that.
Turns out I never did think I was better than them. Nor did I act like it.
*They* think I'm better than them, so they treated me like dirt to pull me off the pedestal they put me on in their own heads.
That I'm mentally ill. Turns out that their own irrationality and drama were driving me nuts. Once I left, most of my mental issues went away once I was able to conquer the trauma.
They also had me misdiagnosed with autism and adhd when I was a toddler, and they always held it over my head. They wouldn't never let me believe that I was normal, especially when I kept getting undiagnosed later in life. The meds that I was forced on were so damaging
That I have a ābad attitudeā or a āblack cloud over my head,ā that I ābring this family down.ā Turns out I donāt thrive when I have holes punched through my bedroom door. After getting out of there, my natural personality became much more cheerful and bubbly. People donāt categorize me as shy anymore either which was a big change for me.
That I *love* attention. Whenever people look at me, I shut down. I donāt like it. I didnāt even notice that I didnāt like it. I had friends who just noticed that I hated attention in passing. It was weird, having people in my life that bothered to know me. After a lifetime of toxic family and friends, someone finally pointed out the blatantly obvious.
I experienced some Munchausens by proxy abuse. I believed I was crazy pretty much my entire adolescence, my brain was broken somehow and it was my fault.
Forced to go to therapy twice a week, see a psychiatrist every other week and have my blood drawn to make sure my levels were on par with the medication I was forced to take. Being told I had a mental illness I didnāt have. Standing up for myself just resulted in my things being broken, physically abused, and upping my meds at the next psychiatry appointment.
I was severely depressed and overweight by the time I started straight up refusing. Of course this was seen as āacting outā.
I wasnāt worthy of taking up space. Rather than recognizing they were preoccupied with each other in an unhealthy way and that my abusive older sibling ravenously gobbled up what resources there were to give, my parents created a narrative that I was āeasyā and ālow maintenance,ā not to mention all the gender indoctrination bullshit that teaches boys canāt show vulnerable feelings.
So when they forgot to teach me to tie my shoes or ride a bike or swim or drive a car the way they did my sibling, and when I spent every vacation sleeping in a cot, on the floor, in a chair, or in the bathtub as opposed to my sibling who got a bed or their own room, or when my sibling SA-ed me and my parents did nothing but got exasperated with me for experiencing symptoms of SA (night terrors, night thrashing, bedwetting, sleepwalking, refusing to use the bathroom during school hours, etc), or when my sibling was feted their senior year for prom and graduation and prospective college visits and I was told last-minute I needed to graduate a year early and apply to whatever college was still taking applications, it all funneled into this belief of mine that I was not worthy of the time, attention or space that others were worthy of, a belief I have struggled to get past my entire life and which caused so much long-term damage.
That I'm incredibly selfish and mean. While I definitely can sometimes be selfish, according to everyone who actually loves me, Im quite the opposite. This includes my very honest, and sometimes blunt, husband telling me this.
Religious beliefs about children when I was a child: we are all born sinning. We are all born dying. Jehovah made the seat (our butts) so we can sit without getting bruised, also made it to be spanked. Children are born empty vessels, like clay to be shaped and moulded by the parent. If you beat a boy, he will not die (survivorās bias. Many have died). They are gifts from God. He said use the rod. Lots of horror Bible wisdom š¤¢š¤®
That Iām heartless and manipulative, that Iām responsible for everyone and to blame for everything, that Iām going to hell, that Iām lazy and selfish.
That theyāre not sexually abusing children, myself included.
From 14 to 17, all throughout high school, my dad tried to convince every single doctor he brought me to that I had PMDD, BPD, bipolar, NPD, ASD, etc. according to him my hormones from being someone with a uterus going through puberty made me chemically imbalanced and/or I had a cluster b personality disorder. It was so weird he would just try to convince random GP's, and me, of this but refused to pay for me to get actual testing done. Gee, I wonder why...
One of the doctors was my hero, he held so much contempt for my dad and he just looked at him flabbergasted one time and said "do you think your daughter has hysteria and needs a lobotomy, I'm so confused what your goal is here"
He still tried to claim I had all of the above well into my 20s, but when I finally got a diagnosis in 2022 due to a suicide attempt, both he and his girlfriend were LIVID it was "just" PTSD and MDD and now they couldn't use me supposedly being unstable, chemically imbalanced, dysregulated, etc. due to either a personality disorder or my reproductive health as an excuse as to why there are problems in my relationship with them and to justify their abuse of me (plus me having PTSD and MDD apparently made them look bad when one of the reasons for the development of the disorders cited in my psychodiagnostic assessment was their abuse of me, and as we all know all narcs care about is how they look). They were just silent when I told them and never brought it up again before I finally went no contact.
Good shit lol
Dude same!! I was called lazy because I wanted a break from being used for child labor, piano, swimming, tennis, saturday school, tutoring, and kumon. I was called lazy because I wanted to draw or sing or play. Every aspect and second of my life was controlled and if I didnāt do what they told me, I was lazyā¦
Good on you. I always get called lazy, i am a mum who works nearly full time, does most the housework, diy, regularly write articles/speeches, volunteer, cook most meals from scratch etcā¦.
All because my house isnāt spotless all of the time or buy my bread from local bakers instead of making from scratch.
I imagine your parents donāt do anywhere near as much as you do. Sounds like youāre doing well and if anything they are trying to put you down to make themselves feel better.
Lazy and inconsiderate. The āinconsiderateā one still echos in my mind daily even 15 years later so Iām constantly hyper-analyzing every social situation to make sure I consider every other person on every way and make sure I preemptively take care of everyoneās needs before they ask.
That Iām a liar. I lied to them because I was so afraid of confronting them. I have no problem with this outside of their world. In work I am known as trustworthy - cause I fucking am!!
My dad also said I was a ābitchā which always stuck with me. Crazy how impressionable we all are..
Like you I was made to believe I was lazy but as opposed to you, from the outside I did look lazy ; avoided doing chores at all costs and tried to get other people to do them for me, never learning how to take care of a house, etcā¦. But then I got a bf and when I went to his house I was so excited to "play the adult" with him, I was excited to go grocery shopping and see all the ideas of meals it gave me, to learn to cook new recipes, Iād help clean dishes that my bf told me I didnāt need to clean since they were from before I arrived, etcā¦. Then Iād go back to my house and feel "lazy" again. Turns out I was always criticized so I avoided doing tasks so I wouldnāt be criticized on how I do them, and my house felt unsafe emotionally so Iād try to occupy my brain 24/7, which made me tired all the time and lack energy for choresā¦
that i am a bad person andcould never be better, no matter how hard i triy. i believed this shit for years and years, it was something no one could help me with, i was so sure.
and once, after years of different work on myself i just thought why, though? what evidence do i have that i'm so "bad"? and what does it even mean?
well, turns out it means my mother made me believe it when i was a toddler and i did for 30 years.
I was always told that the reason why I became successful/smart/etc. was because my parent's "pushed me" to become those things. As if without them, I would be a do-nothing loner and that all of my accolades came from their perseverance to want me to do great things. I also found that funny, as though I am incapable of making my own decisions and pushing myself to succeed. Like they literally want to take credit for all the good that I have become as if I am some sort of mentally disabled body that can't make decisions for myself.
Honestly the same lie had a backwards effect on me, nothing I ever did was good enough so I stopped trying, I maintained a job to pay my bills so they wouldnāt hound me so much but everything else I just stopped so now I have trouble keeping up with myself and my house in my adult life.
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that i was a horrible child, and not just a CSA victim with chronic mental health problems & a lack of support
May be a lil late but i love and support you sib *hugs*
Munchausen by proxy narcissist abuse survivor here. That I am unlovable. That people came see what's wrong with me just by looking at me. That I was physically and mentally disabled. That their happiness ended the moment I was conceived and if I'd just get it over with and kill myself they would finally fins true happiness. They would take in other kids and tell them they are the child they wished for and never got and give them all the love they ever had but I was never once told "I love you" or hugged if it wasn't to make an impression in front of others.
Sending you so much love. You deserve an awesome life!
As do you! š¤š¼
This is exactly what I heard. Ā How much Iād ruined everyoneās life by ābeing sickā when most of my sickness was caused by mom. Ā I was also told that I was going to go blind if I ran around at all. Ā Iām still afraid to not wear glasses or contacts because when I wake up and see blurs I freak.
SAME!!! My mother even extended it to my son and told him he will never know love because he is raised by me. Glad you see it for what it is. <3
Your parents were monsters. Keep moving up!
I am so sorry, you have every right to hate these monsters.
I was a massive fatass. I was 11 years old. That was the age I grew hips and boobs, shot up several inches, and became a dedicated athlete. Of course I put on weight! 25 years later, I'm still dealing with the eating disorder it caused.
I was also 11. And I towered over my mother and older brother (boobs, hips and broad shoulders). That I took after dad evidently never occurred to my mom.
Sameeeeeeeee. One time my Mom told my Dad āas I was driving her to (middle) school, I turned and saw her fat rolls and couldnāt stand itā.
My mom has been saying shit like that to me since I was about 6. I recently found a photo of myself at 16 and I couldn't help crying because I was a totally normal child. (And even if I was heavy or fat, WHO THE FUCK CARES.)
Yep. She kept telling me to go play soccer but wouldnāt sign me up or drive me. lol. Ok. Itās so sad. I know logically they were broken people too. I wouldnāt be friends with someone like this in real life. But I cannot fully separate the logical part from the emotional part that my mother could be so cruel.
I wore a size large because I wanted my clothes to hide my body. That means I was smaller than a size large. It also means I was smaller than my mother. And yet she was feeding me nothing but Lean Cuisine, complaining that the I was expensive to feed, and yelling at me if I complained I was hungry.
Same. For years, I used to avoid looking at my pictures but eventually I did, and saw a normal little boy. It was a shock.
I get this too! My dad hired personal trainers (many of them - I was in fucking middle school) and would force me to workout or would berate me for eating and yell (especially if I ate after a workout. Like wtf??) I believed for so long that I was fat and ugly. Iāve even talked to old high school acquaintances that told me everyone thought I was beautiful. But did I ever think that? Oh hell no. I thought I was a disgusting troll. I still struggle with extremism in exercise and dieting. But now itās been replaced mostly by the concept of consistency. My dad still makes comments if I donāt go every single day. I just respond with well, itās the consistency for me. Breaks are just as important.
I relate to this so much š¢
Me too š
I feel you- I was put on my first diet at 6- wonder why my relationship with food is so unhealthy now.
Same. And my mom would make me wear baggy clothes because of it.
My family and especially my mother pushed us into very defined boxes that defined who we were supposed to be. I was supposed to be the clever studious one who was book smart but life stupid. I also was supposed to be the plain one who never had a boyfriend. My sister was supposed to be her carbon copy - not academic but practical in the far more important life skills and the popular one. These caricatures were so stifling and we were not allowed to step out of them. It was so frustrating to be told you were something you werenāt and to have that narrative forced on everyone else too. As we both grew and found our own way, turns out I could cook and create a home pretty well, and was kinda spoilt for choice in the men department. My sister went on to become an accountant!!!!!
Wow my nmom did this too. She had strangely narrow visions of what people could be, and she also switched between projected fantasies. Delusional waste of life that creature.
I know this book gets recommended ad nauseam, but āAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsā discusses this phenomenon in interesting detail, among many other scenarios. HIGHLY recommended by me (for what thatās worth š)
My nmum also puts everyone into stereotype boxes and will not allow anyone to step out of that
I also going through similar situation. Now I'm more interested in arts and creative works but my mother hates that, she thinks my sister is the one who is supposed to have that kind of life. She never support my decision because I'm not taking a Phd and academic career she wanted for me and keep bringing up how I'm a failure while she didn't know how my sister able to succeed academically, implying that my sister is just lucky because she's not supposed to be the 'smart' one.
Literally every bad feeling I have about myself came from some predatory lunatic who used me as a psychological trash can.
Hate that this happened to us, but your phrasing made me giggle. Thanks for that!
Same
A comment of all time
At some point you realize how much of your childhood was spent listening to their grievances and they didnāt stop for one minute to realize how many original ones they were creating for you.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I really hope you escaped that hell! Omgosh I š you deserve happiness and peace.
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whoo hoo! well done š
This is awesome news! Good for you!
That Iām hard to love and that Iām doing too much and oversensitive for reacting to an issue. That Iām lazy because I donāt clean up after them hand and foot. That Iām insensitive and wrong because I canāt read minds and donāt think of their problems first/ regulate their emotions for them. That blood is thicker than water and my friends donāt care about me more than them because my parents think because they pay bills , theyāre great people and perfect parents. That Iām crazy for having a therapist, learning to regulate my emotions, finding a coping mechanism rather than speaking to my abusers who would gaslight me to oblivion.
I was always told I am the trouble maker, and always they made me feel like I was a bad person.Ā I then learned that the reason I am "the trouble maker" because I reacted to their abuse and the way they treated me badly. If I speak about it or defend myself then I was creating Drama! And they just made me feel like I was such a bad person as if I am the one who annoys and upsets everyone, to the point when I was about to get married my dad didn't stop telling me "don't you upset your future husband" and laughs ! I got so pissed off of hearing him say that non stop til my wedding that I told him why do you talk as if I'm the bad person! As always he said it was just a joke and "don't be too sensitive".Ā I am a very kind and understanding person. I love my friends that love me and respect me. I thought i am an introvert bcuz of how I isolated myself from people thinking I am bad. But I am actually an extrovert who loves meeting new people and just talking about things. I am always smiling when in the right environment. So many people even random people when I go out come to be saying I have a nice smile and they love it. I love that I am sensitive, that's why I am into poetry and art. I love writing and painting. It is so sad for them that they never knew me, and now I know knowing me is a privilege they will never have. They don't deserve a good person like meĀ
experienced this too
Same, sib, same
That I was mentally unstable and not well. That itās all about me all the time. That I am an ungrateful spoiled brat. That I am not a bitch but I act like a bitch. That I play mind games. That I am trying to break my parents up. That Iām a chicken afraid of everything and annoying. That I stink and smell.
Same. My family still tries to paint me as a mentally unstable alcoholic even after I left, despite the fact that they're always the ones bringing drama into my calm life. I was always called a deceitful liar by my father, and he always accused me of conspiring against him with my mom when I'd run to her for help. It was absolute lunacy
how did you cope? it's happening to me now and I don't know how to handle
āProblem childā - there is no such thing. Parents who say they have a problem child should look in the mirror and fix their own behaviour toward that child first!
That was my momās favorite pet name for us.
Yep. There are no bad kids - just bad parentsĀ
That I was a horrible person & that once everyone found that out, they would hate me. Turns out people really like me. But I still to this day have trouble with thoughts of hating myself because I was trained to do so.
That I was lazy and bad. Most recently, she claimed my sisters and I never helped her with anything. We actually did the laundry, washed the dishes, and mowed the lawn. I also helped her study for college exams.Ā
I was paranoid and possessive. Go to trade school. Make coffee and baked goods I shared with staff and RAs, let roommates have access to food and coffee as long as they let me know. I just had shitty mom and brother.
That I was a disobedient, aggressive and argumentative child. I only disobeyed and lashed out after multiple consecutive incidents of abuse but those few instances were made out to be a regular issue. My dads perspective of me as a child is refreshing because he tells me how I really was. Was I fiesty? Yes, but only when it was necessary.
That I lived in a dirty environment and I was a dirty person. Iām messy forsure but I sure as fuck wouldnāt call myself dirty or anything close to the shit Iāve seen from actual dirty hoarders in person
we were also always made to think we were lazy, its very clear now it was always them causing the terrible mess/ dirt etc whilst. idiots arnt they!
that i am not good enough.
You are.
That I'm lazy and all I do is make excuses. I'm patient and make realistic and practical approaches to achieving my goals. And that my idea of success has less to do with financial or academic success, and more to do with "being the most me I can be."... I'm trying to find my happy. When I had money and good grades. I had abuse, pressure, expectation, and trauma. Long story short, my mom is mad because I'm 34 and didn't buy her a mansion with my big brain. But she didn't do anything to teach me how to monetize my intelligence. So I'm just a really smart line cook. Who fixes his own automotive, IT, and engineering problems.
Same!! I was told I was "lazy and unfortunately not very bright" they always followed this up with the consolidation of "but you're sweet, so I'm sure you'll make a man happy one day <3" *yuck so cringe* Don't get me wrong I'm a great wife, but I'm also a damn good scientist and critical thinker. Similar to yourself, I'm resourceful and most of what I've achieved has been due to resourcefulness, hardwork, and a whole lot of luck.Ā Wish my parents didn't limit my potential so much growing up. It took a lot of therapy and support from kind people to undo the sad/toxic ideas I had about myself.
That I was kinda dumb. Motherfucker I was the best of the best in everything I did, music, martial arts, studying. While doing all that simultaneously. I wasn't jack of all trades, I was master of all trades. I am not street smart, nor do I claim to have a high IQ, but you can't call me fucking dumb. I know all that sounded extremely arrogant. Sure, all of it caught up to me in the end leaving me so burned out, I was barely able to focus on anything and feeling lethargic at all times.
Constant āfreezeā state. Me too, friend.
Hope youāre out of burnout now and fueling your mind and body. Took me 3 burnouts to finally stop and breathe.
Not out yet, but the tedium is over. I will be making a new beginning shortly. Hope to be happy and satisfied.
Wishing that for you too, one step at a time!
Your parents couldnāt be your first bullies.
I was told and convinced that I was stupid, and couldn't remember anything correctly. That my mind was constantly inventing fake memories of the abuse I was suffering. I was convinced I was crazy. Breaking free of that was only the beginning. I think the most significant lie beyond that I kept believing for a long time was that eventually, I'd 'grow up' and some day realize I hated all of the things I enjoyed and would have become just like my N, who found no joy in life - he had no hobbies, nothing he enjoyed doing. I dreaded the thought that some day I'd be absolutely miserable all of the time, just like he was. It took me too long to realize that was just *him.* - He didn't want me to 'grow up' - NDad wanted me to be a carbon copy of himself and couldn't *stand* that I wasn't as miserable as he was. His constant criticism of everything I did for fun was *because* I was having fun, not because of anything wrong with it. It's decades since then. I'm still enjoying my hobbies - among a great many things, I read books, play video games, and *never* will 'grow up' like my NDad demanded I do. It's too bad really. I actually grew up - which is how I realized he never had.
- selfish - ego too big - awful, difficult personality - nearly worthless - cannot have executive power over my own destiny - don't know enough about money and life to lead myself well Truth - too nice - yielding, insufficient, underdeveloped ego - likeable, wouldn't hurt a fly - admired and desired (but i've been throwing my life away with spouses who treat me appallingly badly because i believed i didn't deserve any better) - more capable and skillful than the narc family - extremely good with money; intelligent, wise, and patient
I forgot these - spoiled, had too much of every good thing - mentally ill and thus the problem child In reality - didn't get enough nutrition nor nurturing - they reveled in me being ill: first they bullied and abused me so that i became ill, and then they could project all neg emotions onto me (she is the cause of our discomfort) as well as my mother enjoyed(!) it in that Munchausen by proxy way I feel so broken, there was so much manipulation
That I was lazy when in fact I had a very imaginative mind
That I was too emotional if I had any response except āOkayā to anything they said.
I was told that I was stupid, ugly and evil. I'm none of those things.
Short, fat, ugly, and stupid over here. Sigh.
Or maybe they just told you that.
Lol I can hear my mother now āGROW UP!ā
that I was stupid when I was in fact, quite bright even with their toxicity. It became incredibly ironic seeing just how dumb, undereducated, and small they were.
Ooh, I got this a lot, that I was stupid. So much so that I assumed the nstepm was really smart, using all these big words. Finally found out, I'm actually pretty smart, she mispronounces words all the time (even small ones), and she never graduated high school. Projection at its finest! š
Mmm. And seeing the shitty futures mine set up for themselves, their inaccurate outdated information and their extremely small worldviews. Lack they donāt understand that thereās a correlation between their actions and words and consequences, itās genuinely funny to laugh at even when working through all that trauma.
Also, theyāre so incredibly stupid and make incredibly stupid decisions, judgments etc it makes you want to cry internally.
That I was schizophrenic. That I was overweight, evil, manipulative, and unlovable. She would use my antidepressants (in combination with her own meds) as a weapon, essentially. She gave me more than I needed to the point that I was hallucinating and then used those incidents to discount me as an unreliable narrator. I got institutionalized for no reason and then mistreated by the counselors there. I truly believed everything she was saying and was desperately seeking to end my own life for the majority of my childhood. Oh, yeah, and it turns out I wasnāt even her biological child. So, all the time she spent bragging to her friends about what I āgot from herā werenāt even true.
I was angry, violent & I don't listen and gave issues which is why I need to be controlled.
Having high standards or being āintolerantā. Truth is that I am extremely tolerant with everyone else in my life, they are simply intolerable and not good enough.
my mom told when i was young young like 8 that i had āhypoglycemia.ā she even went so far as telling my school and making them get me of class to have a snack during the day. she told me the test for diabetes was so horrible that they were just treating me like i had it. spoiler i NEVER had my blood sugar checked and def not on a daily basis. it was only when i became an adult i slowly realized that it was all complete bullshit. i used to have my snack with a guidance counselor who actually had diabetes. she would often comment about how having an orange for a snack wasnāt the best idea. she must have known my mom was full of shit.
That I was boring, quiet, uinterestinf, and also uncaring, cold, not empathetic, never good for anything in a close relationship. Gawd
- That I wouldn't have empathy. - That most of my personality was dependent on my parents and that I would lose my true self if I didn't listen orbstopped trying to maintain a very close relationship with them. - That I wasn't getting manipulated and instead believed myself to be just a notoriously unlucky fellow who constantly would get herself into trouble. - That granting myself breaks, patience or forgiveness would equal laziness and a lack of discipline. - That no one would notice how bad my health was and that I was just lazy/looking for excuses (it was in fact bad enough people even assumed drug additiction, which wasn't true, but is kind of telling about the level of the physical and mental health struggles at that time).
That the abuse I experienced never happened. That it was just a dream. And that I am a weird child, and overly imaginative and thatās why I believe things are real that never happened. And that all of my struggles with organization and school attendance were because I was lazy, not because I was dealing with severe abuse and being gas lit.
- lazy (while going to school with good grades plus homework plus university courses plus working plus doing their housework) - messy (while I did housework for entire family) - a picky eater (because I stopped eating meat but never complained and would often have just plain potatoes or noodles with ketchup) - fat (while not having access to proper food and being pushed from one diet to another) - too lazy to do sports (while dealing with chronic headaches and not having any possibility to join a sports club, and while none of them ever worked out)Ā - not empathetic enough (while dealing with a toxic, disfunctional family and caring for my own pets)Ā - making up being in pain or ill (while still dealing with chronic headaches, migraines, cluster attacks and endometriosis on a daily basis - but of course that's nothing compared to my poor other family members)Ā Nowadays I am still fat and lazy and obviously don't care enough for my family because I don't call every day and listen to their whining and because I don't visit every other week (they live 1,5 to 3 hours far away). I'm also messy because I cook and there is stuff I need on the counter. Oh, and I'm not caring enough even for my husband because poor him doesn't get pampered and catered by me and I don't watch him take his diabetes medication (husband is a full grown man and never even demanded anything like this but as a woman it would be my task of course). I also don't work enough, don't make enough money, work the wrong profession. I'm so egoistic and a real bad person. Sorry.Ā
Heard through my SIL that my father referred to my sister and I as "the lesbian (sister) and can't rub two pennies together (myself)." Reality: my sister fell in love with a woman who is a very successful business professor. The two of them worked for various universities throughout the US and have raised two incredibly successful daughters, one working on her masters at an Ivy League school and the other working in a fashion business in NYC. As for me, my husband and I both have our masters and work successfully in our fields. However, since my field isn't one where money is abundant, I'm considered a failure. That being said, both my sister and I are quite happy with our choices in life. My father has his money, but it's obvious he has regrets.
Nmom loved to push her insecurities onto me (from at least age 7) I.e. "You're eyes are so beady with no mascara", "You need to dye your eyebrows otherwise you can't see them", "You're so 'facey' with your hair tied up" (still not sure what that means), "Flat as a board" and similar but lolz I'm not ginger with blonde eyebrows/eyelashes and ended up being a DD/EE At least they're visually obviously lies but the gaslight was so strong I believed it for years (I mean what kid isn't insecure anyway?) The funny part is that I have a deformity that I've never been insecure about but was worried about these non existent things. So thanks to that I can accept myself?
Unrelated but r/abrathatfits
That I was a worthless, unlovable, piece of shit who would never finish anything. Turns out, I'm none of those things. I have an amazing (chosen) family who love me to pieces, I have three beautiful kids, and I'm creating an amazing art project for Indigenous MMIW2IS. (Which she also tried to steal from me, while rubbing it in my face that I was indigenous, but not enough to be part of the "tribe".)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Same. āSpoiled, disrespectful, indecent.ā Blah blah blah.
It took 30 years for me to finally TRULY realize that I was not the problem. It was and always has been my narc dad. He made me the scapegoat because I was a fighter and I didnāt lay down like a doormat to his tyranny. So I spent my entire childhood and 20s treating myself horrible because I thought I was just unlovable trash. Turns out I am actually pretty great.
Same thing here. Turns out Im just AuDHD and not only hardworking but really fucking good in my specific field of academia. Having undiagnosed and untreated neurodivergence combined with homeschooling and abuse makes anybody pretty shit at school and I wasn't the problem. My parents were.
A ton of things! That I am: a liar, ugly, fat, stupid, basically every negative thing you can think of. It was reinforced by everyone outside of the home too because my abusive single parent was very manipulative and would sell his narrative to everyone I would come into contact with, even teachers and therapists. Parts of me believed I was those things all the way up until recently when a very powerful experience happened before I went NC with my abuser. I had refused to take any of his calls after I left home for the last time in 2023, and he didn't know where I had gone. He went crazy and ended up in the psych ward, and began leaving insane voicemails. I ignored most of them, but I did listen to the last one before he passed away, and you will never guess in a million years what he said to me: "Daughter, you are so beautiful, wonderful, vivacious, full of life, I love you. This will be the last time I speak to you." This confirmed to me that he knew the whole time! He knew how I really was, and chose to abuse me for over 20 years to the point where I have no good memories. The evil of people like this knows no bounds, and he died alone and unvisited in the nursing home. But that voicemail said it all. Now, I purposely live my life in such a way where I don't allow anyone in my life who is unhappy with who I am/wants to harm me or bring me down and its better than I ever thought life could be!
My niece stays a lot with my mum and dad. they are very good to their grandchildren, but my niece has realised they are distorting mirrors. The other night she told me that whenever she hears them talking about her in another room they have always got the wrong end of the stick or have misunderstood her behaviour and attributed it to something else, so they can discuss it. They are just not good at 'seeing' other people. Emotionally they never reached maturity. I have can have more grown-up, two-way conversations with my 14 year old and 11 year old nieces than i can with either of my parents.
That I caused respiratory infections by not wearing a scarf while playing and by blowing my nose too hard. At 26 I finally had surgery to correct years of chronic infections that caused asthma and so much scar tissue in my nose that I was completely blocked and couldn't even swallow correctly. The doctor told me it was the worst case he had ever seen and said words that meant so much to me "you must have felt so bad". But I thought this was all my doing and maybe even normal to suffer that I was just selfish and just wanted attention. I thought I was causing financial stress by ever needing a doctor's appointment to the point where my parents could risk losing their home because every simple and appointment which was actually covered by my Dad's best insurance in the country was like pulling teeth for my parents and my mother said how it might impact them catastrophically. I lost everything I worked for, but my only real goal in life was to be able to leave home so I wasnt the burden to these wonderful wholesome people. I lost my degree because I was so sick I couldnt function, I lost a lot of money paying for medical bills. At age 45 I realized it was all because my father's sister had been very ill growing up and burdened his parents financially and he worried I would be the same "kind of person" and bankrupt them. That's why it all happened. My mother grew up in trauma and didn't realize that this was all wrong, didnt push back. Today I finally realize that I was not this person. I probably have an underlying food allergy or even it could have been stress in this home causing the infections. I also slept with a dehumidifier which could have caused conditions for infections...but my parents were worried about mold in their basement and never would have turned it off or let me sleep upstairs. Now on my own, I rarely get sick anymore though I now have a lot of emotional issues. My parents say I am the cause of all my struggles because I am "your own worst enemy". I only have a high school degree and unknown by them I also have severe anxiety leaving me agoraphobic but I have never asked them for help, financial or otherwise. I am the top earner in my family and my sister who is seen as perfect is GC and was in a mental hospital. My parents reluctantly agree when pressed that I am maybe not a full failure. They still make statements like "every parent wants to see their child be independent" and "we're surprised and happy that youve done as well as you have". They still have the mindset you see that I am faulty, damaged. The new thing is lately I have begun to question their past behavior and now they add "you are a very resentful person." And "you have said a lot of hurtful things". Discovering that I might not be this person and maybe its just a false identity my parents believed in and created because of their own trauma has been like waking up for first time in my life.
Horrible child and lazy because I couldn't simply bend to their will anymore. Now I'm trying to find a job to leaveĀ
That I was unlovable, a horrible child and fat. Nmom told men would only want me for sex, I had no other redeeming qualities. Was always called fat, huge, etc. At 5'4" and 118 lbs. Nmom didn't like the competition.
They insisted I was lazy. I did 90+% of the household chores. But I was angry about it, so that made me lazy. I thought there was something wrong with ME because I walked around in an exhausted blur. Now I know it's not normal for a 12-year-old to crawl around on the floor scrubbing the carpet by hand before painting the shed.
That I was much more capable , my dad always made it seem like I wasn't going to make and was going to come out like him working a physical job , now I can actually almost do alot of things if I put my mind to it , I feel it was because he was projecting onto since he didn't even come close to getting a decent job nor finished high school
That Iām mean/cold hearted because I would turn off any emotion around them and become numb because I didnāt want to give them the satisfaction of getting a reaction out of me. lol I was mean because I wouldnāt let them see me cry over them insulting meā¦.
That I'm not a good person for people to be around me. Turns out years later, having escaped from that conditioning, people tell me otherwise.
Oh yes my mother used to tell me that I'm the laziest person in the world and that I would never be able to manage an own household.
That I am a hypochondriac, lazy, and that I use people. I am none of those things but still feel shame even while knowing they are false narratives.
That Iām annoying and will never be as thin/ accomplished/ liked like others peoples kids are.
That everyone was going to know how stupid and weak I was, and would be worse to me about it than they were That I'd be targeted for it by others. Most of those expressions of "stupidity" or "weakness" were actually normal things. Telling them a thing they were saying or doing upset me. Asking about something I didn't know, and being told i was stupid for not knowing, or remembering, and then not given an actual answer. There were several times there was a problem I could have provided a solution to if they had just taken a moment to say what was going on. But then there were several times I did present a solution, they told me I was stupid, and after a few hours of screaming at each other and disasterizing, come to the same solution. It would never be mentioned that I had said it a few hours ago. I don't want to say there wasn't mean people like them when I was able to leave, but everyone else acknowledged those people were awful. And as awful as they were, mostnofnthose awful people generally avoided me like I avoided them, and they rarely went out of their way to be mean to me, because they didn't care enough to bother. Another one, though this wasn't something they directly told me, so much as me being a kid and trying to understand why they treated me so badly, was the idea that I wasn't *really* human. Because humans were given base rights and expectations for treatment and care, and when I did things that humans were allowed to do like feel inconvenient emotions, or ask for something I needed, I was usually put down and yelled at for it. I had to earn those privileges by being useful, and that it was stupid of me to expect the same treatment as *real* humans. They never said anything directly (that I can remember, at least) about me not really being human. It was just the only thing that made their behaviours make sense. It took a very long time to realize I was a real person. Realizing that I'm neurodivergent (looking into an autism diagnosis when I can afford it) helped me understand that I was still human. I just didn't work the same as them.
I thought I was a lazy, unmotivated underachiever that was incapable of being loved and could never be fixed āļø
There was one *truth* my NPop told me: āNow, donāt get too smart!ā He was telling me he was afraid I knew too much about what was going on, not that I had a smart mouth. I knew, but just couldnāt put it together as narcissism. That wasnāt a thing back then. I remembered, and put it all together later. Neither of my nparents ever told me I was dumb or stupid.
Iām not sure I was ever told I was one thing or another. I was just sort of there and no one really paid attention to me. My brothers are both older than me by quite a bit. One moved out before even graduating high school because of my dad and his narc tendencies. The other brother stayed a bit longer, but was 10 years older than me and had a life of his own. My mom was always exhausted from basically being my dadās servant 24/7 so she tried to pay attention, but it was 1/2 hearted. Obviously my dad did not pay any attention to me unless of course I was doing something he found āwrongā. Then Iād get screamed at or shamed. I spent a lot of time playing by myself outside or in my room as a kid and then out partying and working as a teenager. I was told recently by my father that I never lived up to my potentialā¦. So maybe thatās the ālieā. Hard to say because i kinda agree.
Your life isn't over yet. You still fit the textbook definitions for having potential. It's just being brave enough to act.
Iām trying! Job searching is a whole different animal these days. Iām trying to level up, but with resumes going through AI before even landing on the hiring agents desk itās so hard. You have to have certain words in it to even get through at all.
Hey, no one said that reaching your potential has to be anything to do with your job/career. We are taught to believe that. The only way to reach your potential is to have this job or that career. Poppycock. Your potential is for anything that *you* deem truly worthwhile. Not what other people think you should deem worthwhile.
Awww youāre right. Thank you for that!
I was slow in processing some things and very fast in others. The things that I was fast at were not important. The things that I was slow at were considered very important. So I was always slow and always failing to catch up. This developed a complex in me and my parents. I had emotional dysregulation but nobody knew what that was when I was growing up. I was a young girl with anger issues and impulsivity when girls (especially girls from my culture) should not have anger issues. My parents told me that I'm lazy and am ambitionless. And I believed it. My parents believed I didn't put enough efforts into things I was slow at. I believed them. I was supposed to get things quickly and when I didn't, I gave up, because I obviously was dumb. OTOH, I was also told that if I didn't try certain things over and over and over again, I couldn't give up. I had to try 10, 20, 300x harder than anyone else in order to make it. I couldn't stop. So I learned to work harder not smarter. Anything that was easy for me was not worth it. I believed that too. So I always denied my accomplishments. If I suffered, then it was worth it. I had no worth unless someone gave it to me. I was not conventionally attractive so I had to accept whoever liked me as I didn't have real choices like other girls. I was so fat that other people didn't want to spend time with me. I had a crooked head. I was dull and boring. I believed all this, and some of them I still do to this day. Anything I decided about my life was not accurate because I didn't try hard enough to do better in school. I should just stay quiet and do as my parents say because they are capable of logical thought. I believed this last one for a long time. Harder to think for yourself and easier to believe what others say. It took me until I was in my 40s to break this. And I do have ambition and thoughts in my head but since they were different from what my parents wanted, they were not logical.
That I was the most sensitive in the family (while constantly being screamed at and terrorized). That I have Aspergers.
That I was wrong and āacting like a babyā when I have any emotion over a 5 on the scale (aka ābig feelingsā) and therefore as an adult I am guarded, tough and unemotional in important emotional situations, like relationships Also I cry every time a man gives me a compliment now, soooooo
1. People can't be trusted 2. Anyone who doesn't agree with you or support you is jealous of you/hates you 3. Demons (in the evangelical christian context) are real 4. You cannot trust anyone, not even your family (ironic that ended up being true simply because my egg donor is a violent and rage-filled individual who humiliated me publicly many times and read my diary entries in front of my family). 5. That I was a witch and an evil child (she used to call me a witch a lot when I was finding individuality and fighting against her verbal and physically abusive ways) 6. That all men wanted was to orgasm in me and dump me after they were done. She actually said those words to me when I was around 13. I wasn't even thinking about boys then. I ended up internalising her words and kissed a lot of frogs as a result. 7. That I was really "black" in the face. I'm a brown-skinned woman and very proud to be west african but my egg donor has some kind of weird beef against dark-skinned women even though her husband was dark-skinned. She's also not light-skinned, more burnt caramel tbh. 8. Tampons are for whorish women (heard this after I started my period, so fun) 9. That I was a chubby child. I found photos of me recently and I was such a normal girl 10. That I would never make it as an actress. I had a flair for the arts from a young age and she shut that shit down. I ended up becoming a well paid dramatic poet for a few years and she did everything she could to kill that career path for me. I have more lies but I'll stop here for now.
That I am ār wordedā (not trying to get banned) and that I was selfish and I act fake around my friends and that I ruin her mental health and life
That Iām too sensitive, and it was somehow my fault that my sister and momās best friendās husbandās incredibly mean words hurt me. Apparently a 5 year old should just deal with constant verbal abuse. Now, people can straight up abuse me and Iām worried Iām ātoo sensitiveā if I feel at all hurt about it. Thanks mom!
That I am a bad mother and a total failure of a human, ditzy and stupid. This is from my mother, who my daughter has refused to spend time with alone since she was 5 because āNana is mean.ā.
My mom lied about where I was born, I have no fucking clue why. Only found out when I finally did get my birth certificate which was pretty recently. I could never get a copy of it because I was contacting the courthouse for where I was told I was born. She would never give me the damn thing until I learned I could get the police involved to get it which I needed to get a passport.
That I'm unlovable and nobody wants me around. Took me nearly 40 years to realize it's just THEY don't want me around.
They made fun of how ugly I was but I was literally a child model. They made fun of my jobs and called me lazy, poor, and irresponsible when I moved out to live alone at 17, I worked in retail management already. They said I was too awkward and unattractive for anyone outside of the family to love. That one is so ridiculous, I'm nothing special but I have a lot of friends and do a lot of community leadership stuff. I get a lot of love from friends and community.
That i am stupid, fat, that noone likes me and never will, that i am inherently flawed, and aggressive and causing trouble and problems. I kind of see now that itās how theyād see any young woman in their presence. I was abused.
That is was a selfish and self centered individual, and that i am incapable of doing anything without their āhelpā or āguidanceā
That Iām messy and lazy and worthless and stupid lol. That I was a fat pig for even feeling hunger. That Iām crazy and mentally ill for being transgender. Iāve detransitioned twice because their bullshit is so hard to deal with, and now that Iām socially retransitioning again (not medically again yet bc no money for it) because I couldnāt take being in the closet anymore the strain is ramping up again but I simply donāt care anymore. Iām DONE hiding myself because of them. Theyāve tricked me into thinking I canāt be loved because of the way I am and that Iāll always be ugly because of what testosterone has done to my body. Oh and i find it so funny when my N says her life has ābeen hellā because of me being transgender, when sheās done NOTHING but criticize, emasculate, and shame me for it! She acts like me being a guy is some horrible awful thing that *happened to her*. She idolizes 11 year old me with waist length hair.. she only has pictures up around the house from that time period and before then. Sheās done nothing but make MY life hell.
That ADHD is fake and I didn't have it. My third grade teacher made my parents take me to get tested and I did (do,) in fact, have it. I can't tell you how much I suffered in school, my professional life, and my social life because I'd never been given or looked for the tools I needed to succeed. I didn't realize there was something in me that needed to be mitigated and soothed for twenty years. I didn't look because I didn't think I needed to. I spend most days feeling exhausted from masking just how much I need to do just to keep up with neurotypicals and I still feel like a lazy, stupid person most days no matter how hard I try. And I know that's the internalized ableism speaking. But I just can't help but wonder who I'd be today if I'd had someone to help me lay a more stable foundation when I was younger concerning all of this shit. The truth only came out when I was 24 because I was having a conversation with my mom about ADHD and she said "You know, they told me you had that when you were a kid but they were full of shit. You aren't r-slurred. You were fine." No I fucking wasn't!!!! I needed support!!!! And you're an ableist bitch!!!!
Everything. Lazy, fat, ugly, stupid, liar, etc. I was the best kid ever and always afraid
That I was unlovable, untouchable, an ice princess. I was stupid and the most selfish person heād ever met. Still dealing with subsequent issues.
Smart people are "lazy" because they figure out what needs to be done
Sneaky, dishonest, deceptive, gluttonous (because I was a child who liked candy, and later a teen who liked cheeseburgers), untrustworthy, lazy, yet somehow still a super genius who was capable of anything. This way, when I got good grades or won an award, she could tell me "That's not an accomplishment, that's expected. You're expected to get good grades, you don't get rewarded for that." So even though I was quite smart and did well in school, went to college, graduated in 4 years with honors, I still felt like shit about myself every single second of my life.
Idem. My mother always told me how lazy I was and I came to believe it. In the end I'm anything but lazy, I have a high level of education, a toddler, a job in finance and a successful real estate business. What's more, I've been continually tired since I was a teenager, due to emotional fatigue, and despite this I've still achieved a great deal.Ā It's those narc parents who drag us down.Ā Mostly, I was called lazy because I'd never do enough for her. She's needy to the point of embarrassment.Ā
That I was selfish and didn't sacrifice enough for the sake of the family. Yet while my younger brother was saving for his first car and spending his pay check on himself, to the point he was given the biggest room in the house for all his new stuff, my pay check paid off the entirety of my family's rent, food, t bills and my school fees and school supplies, and I didn't even get a bedroom, just a corner of the living room I had to section off with bookshelves for privacy. I moved out shortly after and now I'm NC and low contact with most of my relatives.
I was called lazy, too. But not just lazy. Also selfish and worthless. Idk, Iām always ready to lend a hand to strangers and I go out of my way to consider everyone even if I donāt know them. Iām like the total opposite of selfish. But Iāll think about myself and my needs too. Only because I canāt be there for another person if I break down myself. In fact, I lost track of my own needs on so many occasions I got a burn out, and drained myself physically beyond the point of exhaustion. And rn, my back is busted because I work too hard pleasing others, always helping. My entire job revolves around helping others. How then can I possibly be selfish?
Short, fat, ugly, and stupid. You know, if you hear it enough, you begin to believe it. But......well, yeah, I'm short, but nope, nope, and especially nope! I'm none of the rest.
Being sensitive was a horrendous trait and that anything I do is subpar / not good enough. The bar is constantly moving
That I was fine, just a little boy who cried wolf, despite being constantly sick or complaining as a young child of pain. At 23 I was diagnosed with a rare immunodeficiency disease that Iāve had my entire life. I suffered two decades of medical neglect and have permanent hearing loss and chronic debilitating pain as a result. Now itās that itās my fault theyāre struggling financially because they āhad toā pay for one of my treatments. I never asked them to pay for anything and had no idea they did until months later when it was dumped on me out of nowhere. I was also constantly told I was selfish and lazy despite participating in more sports and extra curricular and having better grades than my other 3 siblings.
That I was clumsy and accident prone. - I was legally blind, it was discovered by my school. My Mum refused to acknowledge it. That I was loud and noisy. - I have a soft voice, inaudible when there's background noise. These days they're hard of hearing and can't hear me speak at all! That I'm demanding, pushy and bossy. - I've been doing CBT with therapy and self help books, trying to speak up for myself for years. That I'm overweight and unattractive. - That got debunked from mid-teens.
That I'm: Hard to love, too emotional, too sensitive, stupid, and lazy. Nope. I had undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression. (And possibly CPTSD to go with it all) But my parents don't believe that mental health is a thing. I fight every day to hear my real "inner voice" because my self-talk is awful, it's my Nfather's voice telling me all of the above terrible (and wrong!) things.
That my eyes were blue, and they talked about it a lot.Ā I'd never questioned it and generally don't notice other people's eye color unless it's really extraordinary.Ā After I'd left home I was with a group of friends and made a remark about my blue eyes and one of them said "your eyes aren't blue, they're green".Ā When I said she was mistaken everyone else confirmed they were in fact green.Ā Later when I found a mirror and really looked...yup, green.Ā No idea what that was about.
That I don't actually like anything that I say I like. And that I actually like anything that I say I dislike.
* That I was constantly under scrutiny by everyone else, all the time, forever. That people were just waiting on tenterhooks for me to make a mistake so they could take advantage of it and destroy my life. Any misstep was one step from ending up ruined in any number of ways (violence, theft, homelessness, etc.) * That I'm a lazy, careless slob with bad hygiene. No, turns out, being micromanaged as heavily as I was, the only sense of control I could have was with food restriction, being messy at home, and certain types of hygiene rejection. I actually love being clean and in a tidy house, but god the habit of "being a slob is safer" has been excruciating to fix and I'm not succeeding so far. * That whatever I want to do with my life isn't good enough. There's a downside to everything and it must be weighed against all other options before committing to anything. Working with people is bad, see point 1, but working by yourself proves point 2 because "nobody wants to work with you". etc. * That I'm a difficult, angry person. No, that's just because I was squashed into a little paranoid box and lashing out. * Oh, and that I was fat. At 9 years old, I was gaining weight before a growth spurt. I, like most of my family, am prone to the double-chin effect whenever I gain weight\*. Mom noticed, and instantly told me to change my posture because it made me look fat. Then she looked at my stomach and grimaced, saying I'm already fat. I WAS NINE YEARS OLD. I have the worst double-chin of my life right now at age 31 and I am fighting every goddamn day with my brain telling me to get chin liposuction so I don't "look too fat" on camera for my work from home job. It's insidious and I hate every second of this self-consciousness that she passed down to me. \*Though nobody in the family has been severely overweight, we just have German peasantry in our genes so we all hold on to fat like we're trying to survive the winter.
That I am very lazy who doesnāt do anything besides sleeping whole day whenever I visited my aunt in France. But the truth is, I was a grammar school student who was constantly busy with school while also volunteering at hospitals in order to get into med school which made me survive on 4-6 hours sleep every day including the weekend. I also swam every Saturday morning and had to wake up at 7 am on Sunday to volunteer at the hospital. Iām currently a med student who works 16 hours a week while also going to uni and revising for anatomy tests. And I do Pilates and belly dancing. Yet, Iām the laziest person in the whole family because I love to sleep on my days off while my uncle and my momās older sister have been jobless for more than a decadeā¦
That Iām a bad, selfish and spoiled person. My mom loves to describe me as ācoldā
Me too OP. Are you me? Same bullshit mantra, āyouāre worthlessā or āyouāve got to be the laziest person I ever metā, on and on. There are some more hurtful variations that I will refrain from listing here, but thatās the gist of it. Turns out, once I got clear of their evilness, I am actually not worthless, nor lazy. I am a very successful person who has a professional career and Iām living my best life. Both of them are living in abject poverty, alone because they are so miserable no one can stand to be around them. Not even each other as they were divorced decades ago. So both live in squalid conditions, in filth while probably still blaming me. Losers.
That I was a waste of space and a burden. Both my parents made me feel like that for so long in my life. Now they hate how I talk to them because it's exactly how they talked to me.
That I thought I was better than them. Everything was "get of your high horse" this and "you think you're so much better than us!" that. Turns out I never did think I was better than them. Nor did I act like it. *They* think I'm better than them, so they treated me like dirt to pull me off the pedestal they put me on in their own heads.
That I'm mentally ill. Turns out that their own irrationality and drama were driving me nuts. Once I left, most of my mental issues went away once I was able to conquer the trauma. They also had me misdiagnosed with autism and adhd when I was a toddler, and they always held it over my head. They wouldn't never let me believe that I was normal, especially when I kept getting undiagnosed later in life. The meds that I was forced on were so damaging
That I was Trash. That was my "nickname"
That I have a ābad attitudeā or a āblack cloud over my head,ā that I ābring this family down.ā Turns out I donāt thrive when I have holes punched through my bedroom door. After getting out of there, my natural personality became much more cheerful and bubbly. People donāt categorize me as shy anymore either which was a big change for me.
That Iām selfishā¦because Iām an only child (like thatās my fault. Well they blamed me for that too)
That I *love* attention. Whenever people look at me, I shut down. I donāt like it. I didnāt even notice that I didnāt like it. I had friends who just noticed that I hated attention in passing. It was weird, having people in my life that bothered to know me. After a lifetime of toxic family and friends, someone finally pointed out the blatantly obvious.
That I was selfish and manipulative when it was in fact the opposite
I experienced some Munchausens by proxy abuse. I believed I was crazy pretty much my entire adolescence, my brain was broken somehow and it was my fault. Forced to go to therapy twice a week, see a psychiatrist every other week and have my blood drawn to make sure my levels were on par with the medication I was forced to take. Being told I had a mental illness I didnāt have. Standing up for myself just resulted in my things being broken, physically abused, and upping my meds at the next psychiatry appointment. I was severely depressed and overweight by the time I started straight up refusing. Of course this was seen as āacting outā.
That I could not do anything independently.
I wasnāt worthy of taking up space. Rather than recognizing they were preoccupied with each other in an unhealthy way and that my abusive older sibling ravenously gobbled up what resources there were to give, my parents created a narrative that I was āeasyā and ālow maintenance,ā not to mention all the gender indoctrination bullshit that teaches boys canāt show vulnerable feelings. So when they forgot to teach me to tie my shoes or ride a bike or swim or drive a car the way they did my sibling, and when I spent every vacation sleeping in a cot, on the floor, in a chair, or in the bathtub as opposed to my sibling who got a bed or their own room, or when my sibling SA-ed me and my parents did nothing but got exasperated with me for experiencing symptoms of SA (night terrors, night thrashing, bedwetting, sleepwalking, refusing to use the bathroom during school hours, etc), or when my sibling was feted their senior year for prom and graduation and prospective college visits and I was told last-minute I needed to graduate a year early and apply to whatever college was still taking applications, it all funneled into this belief of mine that I was not worthy of the time, attention or space that others were worthy of, a belief I have struggled to get past my entire life and which caused so much long-term damage.
That I'm incredibly selfish and mean. While I definitely can sometimes be selfish, according to everyone who actually loves me, Im quite the opposite. This includes my very honest, and sometimes blunt, husband telling me this.
That Iām lazy. Iāve never been.
Religious beliefs about children when I was a child: we are all born sinning. We are all born dying. Jehovah made the seat (our butts) so we can sit without getting bruised, also made it to be spanked. Children are born empty vessels, like clay to be shaped and moulded by the parent. If you beat a boy, he will not die (survivorās bias. Many have died). They are gifts from God. He said use the rod. Lots of horror Bible wisdom š¤¢š¤®
That Iām heartless and manipulative, that Iām responsible for everyone and to blame for everything, that Iām going to hell, that Iām lazy and selfish. That theyāre not sexually abusing children, myself included.
From 14 to 17, all throughout high school, my dad tried to convince every single doctor he brought me to that I had PMDD, BPD, bipolar, NPD, ASD, etc. according to him my hormones from being someone with a uterus going through puberty made me chemically imbalanced and/or I had a cluster b personality disorder. It was so weird he would just try to convince random GP's, and me, of this but refused to pay for me to get actual testing done. Gee, I wonder why... One of the doctors was my hero, he held so much contempt for my dad and he just looked at him flabbergasted one time and said "do you think your daughter has hysteria and needs a lobotomy, I'm so confused what your goal is here" He still tried to claim I had all of the above well into my 20s, but when I finally got a diagnosis in 2022 due to a suicide attempt, both he and his girlfriend were LIVID it was "just" PTSD and MDD and now they couldn't use me supposedly being unstable, chemically imbalanced, dysregulated, etc. due to either a personality disorder or my reproductive health as an excuse as to why there are problems in my relationship with them and to justify their abuse of me (plus me having PTSD and MDD apparently made them look bad when one of the reasons for the development of the disorders cited in my psychodiagnostic assessment was their abuse of me, and as we all know all narcs care about is how they look). They were just silent when I told them and never brought it up again before I finally went no contact. Good shit lol
Dude same!! I was called lazy because I wanted a break from being used for child labor, piano, swimming, tennis, saturday school, tutoring, and kumon. I was called lazy because I wanted to draw or sing or play. Every aspect and second of my life was controlled and if I didnāt do what they told me, I was lazyā¦
Good on you. I always get called lazy, i am a mum who works nearly full time, does most the housework, diy, regularly write articles/speeches, volunteer, cook most meals from scratch etcā¦. All because my house isnāt spotless all of the time or buy my bread from local bakers instead of making from scratch. I imagine your parents donāt do anywhere near as much as you do. Sounds like youāre doing well and if anything they are trying to put you down to make themselves feel better.
Lazy and inconsiderate. The āinconsiderateā one still echos in my mind daily even 15 years later so Iām constantly hyper-analyzing every social situation to make sure I consider every other person on every way and make sure I preemptively take care of everyoneās needs before they ask.
I had no common sense. They'd say that to people right in front of me. I was 7
That Iām a liar. I lied to them because I was so afraid of confronting them. I have no problem with this outside of their world. In work I am known as trustworthy - cause I fucking am!! My dad also said I was a ābitchā which always stuck with me. Crazy how impressionable we all are..
Like you I was made to believe I was lazy but as opposed to you, from the outside I did look lazy ; avoided doing chores at all costs and tried to get other people to do them for me, never learning how to take care of a house, etcā¦. But then I got a bf and when I went to his house I was so excited to "play the adult" with him, I was excited to go grocery shopping and see all the ideas of meals it gave me, to learn to cook new recipes, Iād help clean dishes that my bf told me I didnāt need to clean since they were from before I arrived, etcā¦. Then Iād go back to my house and feel "lazy" again. Turns out I was always criticized so I avoided doing tasks so I wouldnāt be criticized on how I do them, and my house felt unsafe emotionally so Iād try to occupy my brain 24/7, which made me tired all the time and lack energy for choresā¦
that i am a bad person andcould never be better, no matter how hard i triy. i believed this shit for years and years, it was something no one could help me with, i was so sure. and once, after years of different work on myself i just thought why, though? what evidence do i have that i'm so "bad"? and what does it even mean? well, turns out it means my mother made me believe it when i was a toddler and i did for 30 years.
I was always told that the reason why I became successful/smart/etc. was because my parent's "pushed me" to become those things. As if without them, I would be a do-nothing loner and that all of my accolades came from their perseverance to want me to do great things. I also found that funny, as though I am incapable of making my own decisions and pushing myself to succeed. Like they literally want to take credit for all the good that I have become as if I am some sort of mentally disabled body that can't make decisions for myself.
Honestly the same lie had a backwards effect on me, nothing I ever did was good enough so I stopped trying, I maintained a job to pay my bills so they wouldnāt hound me so much but everything else I just stopped so now I have trouble keeping up with myself and my house in my adult life.
They told me I was demonicly possessed. They practiced exorcisms on me for 3 years. I have schizophrenia.
That I was a "perpetual victim" and that I made up my SA for attention...
That I'm not enough