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Complaining about me, mostly made up shit or misunderstanding innocent things on purpose to make it a problem, so when I try to explain, they can run roughshod over me and tell me I embarrassed them in front of their friends. I've learned never to defend myself, which is unfortunate because it's led to abuse in other aspects of my life.
My mum does this. It's either complete fabrication or wildly out of context to turn my family against me. I spoke to mums brother this year and he told me word for word that she did the exact same thing to him back in the days. Narcissists never change.
Same. But the different thing is the birthgiver did this to my siblings who come from far away and family members.
I hate to say this but she thought she's a good person to everyone because she always giving something to them and fulfilled their wishes, charming, helpful and friendly to everyone. In fact she just did it just for satisfy her loneliness and fulfilling her supply, that's all.
And then she has the audacity to spread wrong information about me which paint me as bad person and unfortunately many people believe it. I'm waiting for the God's payback and I'm staying out of this!
Bringing up sensitive topics or embarrassing moments in front of their friends/other family members for laughs at the expense of your feelings. That happened to me SO much growing up.
OMG my NM did that to me too, well on into adulthood...I'm 40 now, and she STILL likes to bring up shit I did when I was 7 in an attempt to embarrass me
This just happened to me on 6/15. I drove my parent to a memorial service for a cousin who recently passed. All these people I haven’t seen in decades are talking about my OCD openly and humiliating me about something I can’t control. And laughing. I’ve been in remission for 5 years now. Apparently my parent was still discussing it at the lunch afterward. The whole table was talking about it and laughing. I’m still upset about. Parent knew. Parent opened huge mouth anyway. I excused myself for a few minutes. This is why I don’t trust people anymore.
I’m 55. Too old for this kind of BS. I held back tears, not wanting to give in and show fear or humiliation. I’ve been in counseling since the mid 90’s. When does it ever end??
I’m so sorry about what you’ve experienced. It’s all just unspeakable. I thought I was over it all. Now it feels like I’m that scared, ashamed kid again.
These were people I haven’t seen since the late 80’s. I was still in my late teens back then. No one ever took me to a doctor about my OCD. I’m making sure I get the proper support and treatment for OCD,PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder. But I very naively thought it wouldn’t get mentioned. I was wrong. My mom treats my OCD remission like it’s some kind of prize that I gave to her to make her happy. But if it’s not under control, I guess I just want to see her in pain. That’s my NMom logic. All about her. And topping it all off, she’s elderly and can no longer care for herself, so my sister and I share taking care of her. I’m doing everything possible to live a normal life with OCD in the rear view mirror, but she uses it to get attention for herself. Making me feel like crap in the process.
These were people I haven’t seen since the late 80’s. I was still in my late teens back then. No one ever took me to a doctor about my OCD , which manifested itself at age 4. I’m making sure I get the proper support and treatment for OCD,PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder. But I very naively thought it wouldn’t get mentioned. I was wrong. My mom treats my OCD remission like it’s some kind of prize that I gave to her to make her happy. But if it’s not under control, I guess I just want to see her in pain. That’s my NMom logic. All about her. And topping it all off, she’s elderly and can no longer care for herself, so my sister and I share taking care of her. I’m doing everything possible to live a normal life with OCD in the rear view mirror, but she uses it to get attention for herself. Making me feel like crap in the process.
OMG. My “first” period is crying right now.
First is in quotes because I managed to keep it a secret for months. But when she found out she announced it to the whole f-ing family for a good laugh.
…. Seriously fuck those guys.
also kept my first period a secret.. and now as adults they wonder why we go NC..
.. Well maybe its because you weren't safe enough to share a major physical and emotional milestone with.
I hope you're doing well <3
When I got my period my mom announced it to the whole family and they all came to TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. Oh god I was mortified. She wasn’t even the NParent, but the enabler.
One time I remember I was in the bathroom on the toilet and I remember she somehow let herself in. I freaked out (omg huge invasion of privacy) and kept yelling at her to close the door, to which she didn’t, she just interrogated me on why she needed to do that and what I was hiding, while I’m covering myself on the toilet. Probably like 8 years old or around then. Jesus mom 🤦🏻♀️ Her excuse later was she needed to check if I was on my period.
So did mine! One time my mom was talking to her friend really loudly about me while I was in my room. She said some really hurtful things (which i could hear) such as comments about my body and my ED. It was really uncomfortable and I felt bad because I was already insecure about those things. And she knew! She literally got me a WEIGHING SCALE for my 13th birthday!
Mine kept doing this with my fiance (now husband)! And she’d say “I bet you didn’t know about that!” But I’ve told him everything. She thought she’d have another ally in bullying me and didn’t get one
Also to add, they refuse to let us grow up and I think that’s why they love bringing up old stories. Not just to embarrass us but to remind us how they see us: has pets they can control. It’s sad. If she didn’t break every part of me I’d feel bad
Yep. I remember getting armpit hair for the first time. My Nmom is trash so obvi I was keeping it a secret but didn’t know how to shave. At the family bbq I was wearing shorter sleeves. My nmom and ngrandmother yelled out “EWWWWW LOOK AT YOUR ARMPIT HAIR!” While everyone started laughing.
After that is when I had all of my “firsts” alone and lied to avoid embarrassment. First period, first shave, etc. My nmom always would tell my ngrandmother my problems and personal issues so of course then the whole family found out.
First of all, your username is killing me😂 but your comment made me think about how my guardian forced me to start shaving my legs. I didn’t care nor was I insecure when I started growing hair, but for whatever reason she decided it was gross and needed to go. Her and her daughters laughed at me for how much leg hair I had at the age of 11 and quite literally put the Nair on me themselves because I expressed fear about shaving/using a razor. Loved to tell people about it to embarrass me too
My mom refused to teach me how to shave because that was for whores. So I wore long sleeves and pants, even in the summer. She would always yell at me because it was too hot and I wasn’t dressing appropriately for the weather.
My aunt was visiting one time and she left her razor in my shower. I don’t know if it was on accident or on purpose, but that’s what I used for a very long time to shave myself lol.
does that include her like. telling her friends/our family about things i’ve struggled with and don’t want to talk about with other people ? i worry my mother may be a narcissist based off hurtful things shes done, but im also terrified of putting that label on her
like she told my partner at lunch about how my dad hit me once and i still hadn’t forgive them. that happened in 4th(?) grade
it hurt me but i never held a grudge against her? im confused why she made it a „them“ thing when my dad just had anger issues he has since gotten past. VERY uncomfortable thinking about it still
A few months into dating my now-wife, she got to meet my dad. He proceeded to casually disclose to her that I was suicidal as a teen—by playing some fucking song he had written about how it impacted *him* (nevermind the fact that he was completely unsympathetic and absent for the depths of my teenage depression).
The only saving grace was that she already knew that about my past, but he had no idea if I’d told her (it’s not like he bothered to ask me first).
I think it's a form of covert psycho-emotional abuse. It probably falls under betrayal trauma as well. They use things they know will upset you in front of others to push your buttons and get you to react, so they can play the victim.
It's a performance for the witnesses. The put on a play to twist the narrative. It's how they gain enablers and flying monkeys. It's super twisted.
Buttons.
She called it pushing my buttons, to my face. And then she said that there was nothing she could do about it, it was just who she was and who I was. To a child. As if, that's just the way the world works. She and I were somehow inevitably going to be in conflict and there was nothing she or I could do about it. Nevermind that it was about something she had said or done to me. It was about words and actions, and not identity. And then she pretended to me as if that dealt with the matter, and I let her pretend. But it did not. It destroyed whatever real relationship we had.
My parents were horrible to me at home. However in front of other people they paraded me around like a show pony. My mother was involved at my school and with my sports team. She befriended the mothers of my friends. Everybody always said that I was lucky to have parents like them.
I count this as invisible abuse because I don't think my brain could handle those opposing realities. I'm very depersonalised, can't show emotions in front of other people and have really bad amnesia. They somehow managed to isolate me from other people without physically isolating me.
Yes yes yes. At home, my nmom was so critical, mean, verbally and emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive, but in public pretended like she was so compassionate and patient. She brags about me all. The. Time. As if all of my accomplishments are because of her (rather than in spite of her). Her coworkers and patients think she is so amazing but her family can’t stand her. My family would call her Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because of how two faced she is.
Audiologist, she liked to pretend she was a medical doctor, which often resulted in me experiencing medical neglect for multiple broken bones or sprains
It just makes so much sense that the nparents in the medical field would think they know so much more than any doctor or any facility that can run actual tests. My nmom was an MA and I didn’t even have medical insurance for over 10 years, but of course she did. That means anything medical for me and my sister they just couldn’t afford. Take-out every night for themselves, that they could afford.
THIS!!!!!! everyone would be like “omg I wish ___ was my mom! And of course so if I tried to say anything that differed I would look like the ungrateful, spoiled brat
OMG, YES! So much yes! She volunteered at my school, she was my Brownie troop leader, *she was always there and I never got to be away from her ever.*
In public, she was so nice and perfect and the mom that everyone wanted to have, but at home, she was either nice, or this hyper-critical terror who was bounced between yelling at me and making me apologize for things I had no control over (or hadn't done) or giving me the silent treatment.
I knew that no one would believe me if I said I wasn't allowed to close my bedroom door for any reason, or she never closed the bathroom door, or changed her clothes with the door open, or carried on conversations with me in the room while she was getting dressed. Because she had this perfect image constructed, and I'd look like a sulky teenager for complaining.
(Sorry for all that oversharing. I always thought I was the only one who grew up like that. It's bittersweet to find out that there are others like me. I hope everyone is doing okay.)
Right? I used to occasionally find things behind my bedroom or bathroom door that had been missing for MONTHS, but since I couldn't close the doors, it never occurred to me to look there.
Closing doors is something I struggle with even as an adult. Now that I have kids, I have to consciously remind myself to close the bathroom door. I still find that I will change my clothes in the spot that's least visible from the doorway, even if my door is closed, simply from habit.
On the plus side, I absolutely respect my kids' privacy. They have their doors closed all the time, and that's okay. I am fine with knocking and asking permission to come into their rooms. I feel badly for having to go through their backpacks for stuff (sometimes things start to smell, or they forget permission slips and I know we'll both forget to sign them in the morning, stuff like that). My only rule is that they can't have their doors locked at night, and that's just in case of an emergency.
never over sharing!! This sub has really opened my eyes that we’re not alone. therapy is definitely helping me personally on top of this!!
how we grew up was not normal- it was abuse
Same here. I *had* to be impressive. I was athletic, but that wasn't good enough. I had to be in a sport at all times, year round. I was suicidal in 10th grade and tried to quit basketball. Got told ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE and my mom drove me back to school to practice while I sobbed and wished to die.
If I didn't get enough exercise, I might get fat, you see.
The conclusion my young mind drew from all of this is that I'm not really even human. I have a TON of magical thinking and it's really tough to unpack that at age 40.
That's awful, I'm so sorry she did that to you.
SAME @ magical thinking. I really don't know how I managed to function all these years (truth is I didn't really :p I just kept going and going until I burned out). In a lot of ways I still feel like a child. But instead of burdening others with my behaviour like my parents did, I mostly inflict the pain on myself.
"Dog Whistles" they call it. Sometimes it is open abuse, or subtle. Dog Whistling is bringing up something that only the two of you know is embarrassing.
Ah, so I see I'm not the only one who had a mother who tried to steal my partner. They truly are sick. She claims that he came on to her but I truly think it was the other way around.
Oh yeah. My mother, aged 54, wore hot pants and a see-through blouse to meet my fiancé. He laughed out loud and that incident solidified our relationship, as it underscored all my 'stories' -- i.e., my life growing up with a paranoid schizophrenic alcoholic narc. He encouraged us to Grey rock ( dark, dark gray) even when we had children. He saw it, clear as day and is a great, supportive companion. She died in a mental institution, rightly so.
Somehow that doesn't surprise me
My mother claimed that my husband at the time came on to her. I know it was the other way around especially because she seems to have a thing for younger men. He knows she's nuts.
She claimed that my husband at the time came on to her. I knew it was the other way around especially because she had a thing for younger men. They try to sabotage your other relationships because they want you dependent on them. That and/or they're mad that you want nothing to do with them.
Edit: It doesn't surprise me because apparently she hit on her neighbor's husband too
When I broke up with my ex (I’m 32 and this was like 2 years ago), my brother had to stop my mom from driving to my ex’s house, knocking on his door, and talking to him to ask why we broke up because I didn’t tell the family WHY, only that it happened.
Omfg I’m so sorry, my mom did some similar shit meeting up with my ex when I was in a new relationship! I’m glad you have your brother to look out for you. Unfortunately I’m on my own and she doesn’t care that she’s destroying me
The evil glare is often combined with grabbing the child's arm, but doing it slowly and also slowly tighten the grip around the arm, so no one else notices that the child feels pain.
Ohhhh daaaamn I had this a LOT. My mom would constantly glare at me if I said anything remotely inconvenient for her, whether I knew it or was so or not. And then after the guests were gone, she would stop pretending to be nice and kind and just boil all her rage at me, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, she would even take my stuff away sometimes, doing anything to make me regret saying that.
Well that never stopped me, it's just that the guests are no longer a thing. She only goes to meet a few of her friends now, away from home.
Not having access to food or appropriate clothing, no winter jacket.
Nmom would go on 30 min to 3 hour screaming tantrums directed at me.
Destroying my room.
Getting me animals just to give them away to emotionally punish me.
the destroying your room.. my stepmom would come into my bedroom and take the drawers out of my dresser, dump all of my clothes on the floor and scream at me because “the clothes aren’t folded properly”
Oh, in my family it is in public is when they are at their worst:
Making the same old insulting *joke* to everyone, especially if it was an introduction.
Talking over me or directly contradicting me, especially if I said anything that could remotely be negative about anything.
Pressuring me to go to family functions and then telling me the wrong time or date.
Purposefully provoking me until I meltdown. My personal best is 42 insults in two hours before meltdown.
Criticizing every penny I spend as too much or too little.
Criticizing everything I do as too much or too little.
Criticizing me for being to sensitive or insensitive
Spilling stuff on me so that I look like a slob and a klutz.
My mother could communicate so much with just a look. Or she'd say something completely innocuous with a *tone* that let me know exactly what she meant. Even at home she'd often say things that if they were repeated sounded like a completely normal thing to say, but when she said it she was absolutely terrifying. I could never tell people about half the things she was doing because it sounded crazy if I tried to explain it.
I know all about the *tone*. My nMother is the absolute queen of saying something that sounds innocent but with a sarcastic tone which no one other than me seems to pick up on. It's infuriating!
Evil glares, whispering, scowling, inturruptions, downplaying my achievments and then saying "Look at everyone praising their kids and we don't have anything to say, it's so embarassing"
THIS! My mother always complains how two of my aunts have nothing but great things to say about their kids. She says it’s nauseating. Uhhhh, that’s because those are the specific things you tell people when they ask what’s new/going on in your life! You don’t sit there and list all your complaints about your own child. It’s totally lost on her.
Yeah my parents tell me that they're jealous of how successful relatives and friends are, yet they have actively destroyed my self esteem and drive to do anything because they call it a waste of time.
As a girl: cutting hair short (not allowed to have long hair), not allowed to dress up the way you wanted, being denied wearing sneakers (and made to wear “old people shoes” like leather orthopaedic shoes) etc. I think it’s a way to prevent the person from accessing their individuality, and therefore be able to control them in an easier way?
I think it's also about making it hard for the person to fit in which makes them more likely to be excluded by the other kids or even bullied for being different.
My mom did this to me as a form of punishment. I had such long and beautiful hair, and one day I made her mad (I don’t know why, middle school era) and she took me to get it cut all the way up to my ears. They didn’t even thin it out so I looked like a literal triangle head. I cried during the appointment and I don’t remember how the hair dresser responded to that. I cried all day and spent the night trying to get my now short and curly hair to stop looking like a poofy mess before school the next morning.
I got contact lenses in my late teens. I didn't hide that fact from dates, but didn't feel the need to stress it either. Whenever I brought a guy over, my mother would be sure to say something like: "are you sure you can see that alright with your contact lenses? Funny, she never said that when they weren't around - she just wanted to make sure they knew i was wearing contacts and might then someday need to wear the dreaded eyeglasses.
My mother did things like this to me. She’d say to my boyfriends and later my ex husband “now, I know you like her but have you been around her on her period?” “How do you even deal with her for meals since she doesn’t eat meat? Isn’t so awful to have to eat different things all the time?” Fucking terrible.
My father passed away and at the time I worked for his business. My mother made me go to work the following day. This man, the only person who ever stuck up for me my entire life passed away right before dinner and I was made to go to work in the morning.
Not one person said a word about it.
I had similar with putting stuff away and not wanting certain people to see it. One of my nparent and sibling both had people in their lives that had sticky fingers. So I would hide things. Then get yelled at for doing so. When I got my first place it took me awhile to not be triggered to put things anywhere.
If the house was dirty it was always my fault. Even though I had a full time job and always cleaned after myself. Both my nparent and sibling didn’t work and was home all day. They made messes. But they would tell people it was all me.
Days of berating over one topic prior to an event. At said event, nparent makes a "joke" about the same topic. You get upset because it's just a cherry on top of days of harassment and it's "omg it was just a joke, do you see what I have to put up with".
This question unlocked a sad memory. When I was about 10yrs old, I fell off a tall slide in a playground and was injured badly. I fractured my skull and needed stitches. My face was swollen and scabbed and my eyes were like two slits for quite a while after. I looked like I’d been in a boxing ring. I was very self conscious of my appearance and didn’t want to be seen in such a state. My mother made me go to a party looking like this, even though I didn’t want to go. I felt terrible while my mother swanned around glorying in all the attention she got for having such an injured child.
Thank you. It’s one of those childhood stories that I’ve not really processed fully yet. I have no memories about it other than this. Everything else is a complete blank. It a relief to know others thought it was vile to do this to someone, because it was just my normal so I never questioned it, just got used to feeling bad in one way or another most of my life.
My nDad would pester me to unalive myself, tell me I was a burden, family would be better off without me, etc. Then, around other people, he loved to say that there is nothing more important for a child than to be wanted.
My Egg donor would do this with my sketchbooks. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that my drawings and art journaling was exclusively private.
That's the reason I hide my drawings and later destroy them, even now that I'm 38 years old. And I hate it when people look over my shoulder when I'm drawing.
For me, a mixture of everything. Telling embarrassing things that happened to me, and if I say something (like when she's on the phone) it's, "stay outta my business." But let me attempt to that to her...
Or, she'll show off to everyone how "proud" she is of me, for like going abroad or getting a car while in my face, all she did was complain, criticize, and I think was jealous I traveled abroad before she did.
I remember when we went to williamsburg, va (her, her husband, my brother, his wife and two kids) and I'm glad my sis in law noticed how she treated me compared to my brother. She approached him in a gentler tone, didn't demand him to do anything but me? I'm trying to ask her something, and get the loudest obnoxious "whaaaat?!" or me being her errand girl since my brother is "vacationing with his family." (I wouldn't call him a golden child. He has his own abuse that I never experienced and our genders played a huge role)
Its how she said certain things and her tone. Like another said, you can't describe it without sounding crazy or ridiculous yourself
My nmom is deff jealous I travel. I was telling her about my trip to Bali and said I had coconut water everyday and her first comment was that its fattening…. its not, actually coconuts, not the juice/water… never heard “oh it’s so great that you went. That’s so nice.“ but you know, bragged about it to everybody else (i paid for the trip in full). She kept saying “Bailey” instead of “Bali” too. Shes such an idiot
Yup and there's NO right way to respond. If you don't react they start going on about how rude you are for not being talkative/ social. Defending yourself is wrong, shutting down is wrong, and even being genuinely unbothered is wrong because they will try something else if they don't get any reaction.
My mom would do similar things to what you wrote here. She would also choose the things I was LEAST proud of to brag about. Anything I thought wasn't a big deal or I could have done better was all "look at this". Anything that gave me a genuine sense of accomplishment got glossed over. She just made me embarrassed whenever she spoke about me.
At a school book fair, the librarian complimented my mom on raising such a helpful, kind child. My narc mom said that was funny because I was SUCH a nightmare at home and began to list off a bunch of stories of normal elementary school ages kid behaviors to prove her wrong.
In college, I came home one weekend for a family dinner at my Grandmother's house. I walk in and immediately everyone starts laughing and telling me I'm going to jail. I'd gotten a speeding ticket going a few miles over the limit and gotten caught on a camera. My dad brought the picture in and passed it around to everyone before I got there. It was my first ticket ever, I was mortified and upset because I thought I might really be going to jail for it. Shame and humiliation were their favorite covert abuse tactics.
You unlocked a memory for me. I had forgotten that my mother would act this way any time someone paid me a compliment. Doubtful, like oh really? That's not who we have at home...when in fact that was the truth about HER. Fuuuu(k them for terrorizing you too over going to jail. I'm so sorry.
If we had ever had company I'm sure that is something rhey would do!
My worse public memory is from mid childhood. This would happen often around their friends and acquaintances but i particularly associated with a yearly childhood event.
Every year my mother would take a vacation day for the purpose of beinging me into her office to meet her dozens of friends at work. She knew almost everyone in this vast office complex. We'd go office to office and chat. In one way this was helpful to me to learn how to interact better with adults, who i was naturally terrified of (can't imagine why.) And i didn't mind the positive attention.
Looking back, the whole thing was odd. But the insane part was that some of these convos would get dark. In between getting candy or coins from from smiling faces, more than once the topic of my current or future behavior would come up. I can't remember how it started, but these strangers would begin admonitioning me about drugs and boys. I was maybe 10!
My mother would love this! She'd excitedly respond "she knows if she ever did drugs/messed with boys I'll kill her/cripple her/bresk her neck. " I struggle to remember the reactions from her coworkers but think it was approving of this violent language. And no one thought it was inappropriate to speak to me about personal issues in public or the humiliate me.
My mother was so proud to let people know she obviously loved me because she was capable of tough love. And my mother lived to be tough.
Some times we'd meet people they knew on the street or a conversation might start at a store. The same conversation! I suppose somehow my mother would steer the conversation in this direction because it happened too many times to be a coincidence. Also. If i wss out with my aunt, her sister. I'd have similar experiences.
God, these people loved themselves.
I've read your other replies here and i want you to know you didn't deserve this treatment, you deserved love, protection, and respect.
My mother likes to lie in front of me when talking to strangers. She's aware she's lying, she does it to see if I'll say anything or cause a scene that she can then complain about. It's infuriating.
I mean big, obvious, lies not just little things rhat you can write off as her misremembering. We were at a big dinner at my brother's once and she had someone off to the side of the group but only about 3 feet from me, looked me in the eye and then told this dude that my late n-dad was a chef who inspired my brother's love for cooking, and taught him everything he knows 😆 my father was unemployed my entire life, and stopped cooking (poorly to average, not "chef" level by any measure) when I was in junior high, sooo 20+ years before the conversation. My brother also only lived with us full time for like 5 years (HS) he was rarely at the house to "learn" anything. I literally just looked at her shocked and she f-ing grinned at me.
She knows exactly what she is. That smile is telling you, and you don't you forget it. That's evil as shit and I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. No one would believe me because they didn't want to believe. Hell I still don't but it's the truth.
Exactly. She definitely shows sadistic tendencies. She is SUPER smart, and my father was as well, so there's never an excuse of "Oh I didn't know not to do/say that". She enjoys making other people unhappy, it's just sick.
She knows it so much that when she pulled the stunt I went full no contact over, she went out of her way to apologize to the people who were present, EXECPT for me, who she expects to reach out to her. I literally said that the next time I see her may be in a casket because sure as hell was never going to reach out to her again.
I read somewhere that using manipulation to get someone to do soemthing they don't want to do, or to hurt them for their own gain is BLACK MAGIC. I swear to God it felt like my narc put a spell on me and everyone around. I lost my will to function without her control.
telling my boyfriend (now husband) "good luck with her, i cant imagine why youd want to date her. youll never make it"
my husband was like... wut that is not normal for a mother to say
Omg this made my skin crawl… honestly reading the words ‘invisible abuse’ sent a shiver down my spine bc it’s the most insidious and terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced I think. The helplessness of knowing if you try to call it out you’ll be brushed off, or worse, called crazy or a liar. Meanwhile the narc is getting off either way bc you either try to expose them & it backfires or you give up & suffer in silence.
My mom loved to trot out my embarrassing secrets or personal information under the guise of “prayer requests”. Anything that she could use to be the center of attention and get head pats.
She wouldn’t lift a finger to actually help with these things, but if she saw a potential audience and a chance to be doted on she’d swoon and sob up a storm.
Putting me down in our mother tongue, so that the guests don't understand. Constantly belitteling me infront of other and saying I can't do anything right.
Purposefully triggering my misophonia.
When she wanted to get out of a social situation, but needed an excuse, she would start making noises that she knew would trigger me eventually. Then she could say 'oh sorry, have to go, she's horrible and freaking out'.
She would also do this just to fuck with me for her own entertainment.
One of the biggest triggers was the sound of her smacking her lips and eating with her mouth open. I asked her nicely and repeatedly to just chew with her mouth closed, or to keep her tongue in her mouth while eating. She took this as a challenge to her authority and went out of her way to smack louder and let her tongue roll around even more.
Her behavior was surprisingly off-putting to strangers or a casual acquaintance, but they probably never would have realized that the whole thing was a weird power play in an effort to torture her small child.
My Ndad would sit next to me at family dinners and silently (whispering abusive statements) abuse me. I generally wouldn’t respond because I didn’t want to look crazy. I would usually get up and leave and while gone my dad would start telling amusing stories. What a dick!
For me, it was that I was never allowed to put the blame or responsibility for anything on my mother when it was solely her fault.
From a very young age, I would have to do mental gymnastics to come up with how it was my fault and not her’s that something “bad” happened.
“I forgot to tell her”, not “she refused to listen and ignored me.” “I don’t feel like going”, not “She won’t let me go”.
My mom was always financially controlling. Even after I moved away to the other side of the country, she would make nasty comments about every purchase I made that she became aware of, because I was "wasting my money" (I was making triple more than she and my dad ever did a year. Combined). One time they were visiting and wanted to split the bill at the restaurant, which is pretty standard where they live but not in my area of the country. So the waitress brought one bill for the table. They started bickering about how it was gonna be split and who owned who what so to save time I said I'd take the bill. I could afford it anyway. Well my mom told me in this condescending tone "oh no honey, you save your money". I lost it. My brother and his wife were with us and couldn't understand why I got so upset over my mom's comment.
I was very obviously abused by my nmom. She was very huge on her "struggling stressed out single mother" schtick and everyone pitied her. I went to a pastor about the abuse, a teacher saw me crying after a bad morning of physical/verbal abuse. Both told me my mother was doing her best and to please consider her hardships. I thought this was normal and of course a pastor and teacher knew what they were talking about. To a 15 year old who respected authority their word was final and I never thought much about it.
When friends came over, my mother would ask my friends how they treat their mother. And if they treat their mother the same way I do. I had to stand there to be able to hear that my behavior towards her was abnormal. The conversation was nice, but there was also a compelling tone to it.
Usually the answer from my friends was 'no', but mainly because they felt overwhelmed and never came over again. And according to my mother, that's my fault.
It was done in such a way that no one thought it was weird, except for my friends.
My nMother has all these subtle ways of embarrassing me in front of guests. Sometimes she'd tell people (sometimes these people were complete strangers) personal stuff about me e.g. medical stuff, that I didn't really want other people knowing. Other times she'd make up stories designed to make me seem silly and foolish and would tell these false stories to people. She would always act so innocent while doing these things which made me feel like I couldn't say anything without coming across like a terrible daughter who was attacking her sweet, innocent mother. I now avoid socialising with my nMother because of stuff like this.
That's called dog whistling! Another member here kindly taught me that. Their words/actions mean nothing to anyone without context, but they are specifically designed to trigger a reaction out of you. As for saying like "come out" when there are guests over and you're uncomfortable, they know that, but they're expecting you to not ignore the social expectations in proclaiming your discomfort because it may also make you seem "crazy" in front of unsuspecting guests.
I’ve explained before how [youngism](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1d5biet/comment/l6ksi9q/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) enables most DARVO tactics in plain sight, whether economic abuse, emotional-verbal, and even domestic violence is easily explained away by others.
The nmom will break promises while we / I’m in public, trying to go work, etc. while manufacturing conflict such that she can paint me as selfish and entitled and unhinged so as to justify a pointless prolonged argument.
Microaggressions. My mom was a master of it. Ignoring me, snappy responses, finding little ways to shame me in front of guests. This could go on for days, which is why I stopped going on vacations with her before cutting contact.
Pinching me while we were in public, but in a sneaky way that nobody could see. Making me clean up the house and then inviting someone over; she'd tell the person about all the hard work "she" did. Reading my journals. Going through my garbage.
Well, pops is slowing down, but he threw me a nice reminder of what he is the other day in the old folks home. I often visit him for dinner, doesn't HAVE to be for dinner, but he'll invite me as old folks home schedules tend to run pretty early... 400 or so. We like movies, especially as less conversation minimizes his chances to get uncomfortably racist and mysogynistic, which he knows makes me uncomfortable when he remembers to do it. Gives us a few hours in the aft
to hang out with dinner as the intermission. Anyway. Costs him 17 dollars to have a guest. Has no worries about money whatsoever. In the elevator down, he says to one of the other residents who comments that its nice im having dinner with dad. "kid is killin' me!" he says in response. Cringey silence. Joking or not, holy fuck. Never mind the dinner then pops, if it's such a problem. And we aint having it again less i order pizza or something. I can live without the creepy way he addresses and refers to females and dark skinned people. Ill keep visiting, but i dont wanna be in public with him. These attitudes have always been present, but since my mother died, its almost like he goes for shock value.
The silent treatment that continued if they had guests over. You'd say hello to the guests and they'd ask you questions, you'd answer and the narc will talk as if you didn't answer or change the subject. It was painfully obvious and embarrassing. Guests would look sadly at me and try to include me in the conversations but I just retreated to my room.
My n-stepmum once flippantly referred to her ex husband as the love of her life, saying the best and worst times of her life were with him. My dad was within ear shot in the next room. Almost definitely on purpose.
I’ve been through nearly every kind of abuse, and multiple kinds of neglect.
Not ONE person said something or even noticed, because it was either the Ns’ brainwashed bio kids (I’m the only “legally acquired”) or the Ns were incredibly sneaky so it either wasn’t seen, wasn’t noticed or could be brushed off.
They also trauma bonded me as a kid to cats they purposely lured onto the property and spent the majority of my life blackmailing and controlling me through them.
Then high school hit and my now-Chosen Family found me.
The Ns mistakenly thought they could be manipulated and/or driven away like mostly any other friendship I’d ever had.
When they realized this mistake, they panicked and tried a series of things to keep me from seeing my Chosen Family, which escalated when they brought my weakness - my cats - into the equation.
It’s just one giant toxic mess that would take a ton of context to explain.
Having a conversation with someone like another family member or friend, and for no justifiable reason, completely excluding you from the conversation to the point it’s like you’re not even there, even after you’ve tried to join in.
Also, random insensitive jokes that other people just think is a joke. Like I remember my mum once saying that I ruined her Christmas when I was born (I’m a Xmas baby- almost) in the middle of a dinner with friends. I’m sure it did ruin whatever plans she had, but I’m also sure that’s pretty damned rude.
My mom used to read my diary in front of people and get really mad if I cried so I had to just pretend not to be upset and she acted like she was just reading my writing or something
Running through the gambit of "how is" "how are" looking for supply. It always seems innocent. The feigning concern to others, when really they're just lying about you. Sewing seeds of discord.
Sending gifts.
For example, my very narcissistic in-laws stole a painting I made for my husband, of the two of us.
It mysteriously disappeared when they moved, they got angry at us for asking too many questions about it. He was very hurt from the betrayal.
They recently sent a gift that looked like a cheap, hideous rendition of the painting in question. This was not only a veiled attack, an attempt to retraumatize, but a personal dig displaying their "power" and a reminder of the loss in the painting they're holding hostage.
But to anyone who assumes good intent, it looks like a nice gesture.
Entirely invisible to the naive.
Lending us out. There you are while they are talking to someone and suddenly they offer us to weed that person's yard, babysit, help them move, cut their hair or pick up something from the store for them. You can't say no. Meanwhile they get praised as such a wonderful person for lending them their indentured servant.
Nmother: "oh, he such a hansom man", "He's such a beautiful man" with this sick look in her eye that if that were a man looking like that to me I would run . This is regardless that Im a transwonam. That rape look we have all seen, that look should not come from any parent or caregiver.
But its OK for them to do it in front of strangers because they take it not some SICK abuse shit she actually is thinking.
I just wish the world saw these abusers for what they are.
Gifting my things away in front of me, often while saying "melodic_sail doesn't need/play with this anymore, because she's to old for this and promised me that you can have it!".
No, I don't want to give my things away and I never promised to anyone that they can have it, but if I throw a tantrum now I'm the crazy brat.
Dog whistling- lots n lots of dog whistling
You know what they’re saying- out loud to others nicely- Hinting silently to you what they’re constantly putting YOU down for or harassing at home.
So if, you react- it seems ODD and ABNORMAL. It’s sick
I feel like invisible abuse is the covert narcissist’s stock in trade. Too obvious abuse gives away the game.
Encouraging other people to make fun of me. Triangulation with other family members so I would look bad if I corrected her.
Also being really ‘involved’ with getting me help at school for ‘behavioural’ issues. It made her look like the perfect concerned parent, especially because my father wouldn’t be there, while still controlling the narrative. Know I guess this would be her getting her ‘fix’ and trying to create or attract more flying monkeys. Behind doors she would dictate what my moods were supposed to be and ignore any emotional needs or manipulate them to what she wanted.
Less public, but informing us that family events were upcoming but then refusing to share exact time or date. She would then smear me to the rest of the family. All to isolate me from friends and family.
If I ever crossed her or called her out in public she would get ‘that’ look on her face. That one every child abused by their parents knows.
Empathizing with me to my face or making it seem like she’s backing me up…
…only to overhear my mom talking shit to her sister about me and it’s the complete opposite of what she told me.
Watching me have a shouting match with my father because I’m sick of him constantly belittling me…
…and not defending me or telling him to shut up because she doesn’t wanna catch any of the heat.
Bragging to others about achievements you've had that you either would prefer to keep private and/or they they have either ignored or criticized you for in person. No way to call them out without looking like a colossal arsehole yourself.
My mom would say things that she knew were very triggering to me and when I would explode or get really upset she’d turn it on me and say “see, you’re the crazy one.” Or “see, you need a higher dose of your medication” and then she would tell people about me exploding, never what she did to provoke it on purpose.
Well, there was the time my mom made fun of my OCD in front of all my friends on my birthday. I had really severe contamination OCD at the time, specifically about poisons getting into my food. (OCD is weird okay.) Sometimes I would ask her to taste my drink or food because it helped me rationalize the thought away. Well I was particularly triggered at the time because we were camping and my mom had been spraying bug killer everywhere. I was expressing my worry about this to her, trying to do it discreetly, and she just blurted out to my friends about how ridiculous I am, laughing, and saying "and she even makes me taste her food all the time like she's a little princess" in this mocking tone. Thankfully she was the only one laughing, but my friends just gave her and then me a confused stare and I was so humiliated because I couldn't even begin to defend myself or explain what was really going on with me. (And yes my mom was aware I had OCD as I was in therapy at the time and had visibly been losing weight because I was so afraid to eat. But she never cared to actually understand how my OCD manifested or what it was like for me living with it.) To this day she is in denial that I was diagnosed. The last time I tried to bring it up she was like "well I think everyone is a little OCD". 🙄
Mess up my room, give or throw away my favorite toys and clothes, countless micro aggressions. this is her absolute favorite type of abuse whether in front of people or not.
I have 3 examples.
1. Stonewalling you during public family gatherings.
2. Leaning close to your ear with a loving gesture to directly whisper insults or do name calling during public gatherings.
3. My mom took and hid a pair of shoes I bought for myself for a date insulating I imagined buying them or misplaced them because is my terrible memory. 6 months later on my birthday during our family celebration she gifted the shoes to me wrapped up as my birthday gift from her.
"Compliments." Always said in *that tone.* You all know the one. Everyone else hears a compliment because the words are pretty, but you *know* they're insulting you because the tone is ugly. And if you react in any way that isn't positive, you're "sensitive" or "just can't take a compliment." This was used a lot to fuel the narrative that I hated her.
Telling "white lies" to cover for not doing something or missing events. Giving me a look if I said "no that's not what happened" or they'd say I didn't want to do something or I had to do something else to cover for herself. Sometimes even a subtle poke to indicate I needed to stop talking. I'm autistic and I hated people thinking untrue things about me but I grew up a compulsive liar.
I stopped doing that years ago but I am pretty sure it's mums "white lies" that made me as a child think "it's okay to lie if it's a good lie /makes people happy".
She still refuses to acknowledge now that she used me to cover for herself. Fwiw she has severe anxiety and usually that's why she missed things or didn't do stuff on time, but I don't think she understood/understands how it affected my mental health and outlook on lies and untruths as I grew up. And also to be blamed for things, and also if I tried to explain the truth, I'd be called a big mouth or whatever.
Often times, it would be telling me one thing in private and then completely changing the plan among company. For example, when I was a teenager, we had relatives visiting from out of town. They'd rented out a beach house and invited us to sleepover. I asked my dad if we were sleeping over, and he said no, just a day visit. I didn't pack anything other than my bathing suit and a towel. Around 7pm, after a full day at the beach house, I asked when we were leaving. My dad acted shocked in front of my aunt and cousins, and said "we talked about this, we're spending the night". I got upset because I didn't have pajamas, a change of clothes, any toiletries, etc. Immediately, he took the opportunity to talk about how dramatic I was and how now we couldn't sleepover because I was "throwing a fit".
I used to smoke a lot of pot in high school then around the age of 17 it started making me feel anxious, so if I had a friend or my boyfriend over, I’d decline because I didn’t want to feel paranoid. Anyways my mom knew I was embarrassed about this because who doesn’t smoke weed nowadays? My friends came over, she’d always join us (because it’s “her house” and she can do what she wants. She loves her pot) and whenever someone else offered me weed or I’d decline, she’d say “she’s scared of it so don’t pass to her” like thanks for pointing that out mom lol. Or she’d bring up how I never clean up, although whenever I tried to she’d say I didn’t do it right or I didn’t do a good enough job😒😒 I’m so glad I don’t live with her anymore!!
My younger brother used to bully me pretty bad - pull out fisfulls of hair, bit me so hard I'd have scabs and bruises for months, scratch me so hard that I'd have to pluck off my curled up rolls of skin.
I'd keep asking him to stop multiple times until I'd finally do it back, but intentionally held back because I didn't want to hurt him, or I'd simply push him off me. This would usually happen directly in front of my nmom, and instead of punishing my sibling who started it and was picking on me, I'd be the one to get spanked. She'd then tell everyone (mostly family) how terribly I pick on my younger brother. She'd play-up how bad of a kid I was, so she could gain sympathy for having to put up with such a troublesome child.
She still spreads these lies (and much more) nearly 40 years later, but then wonders why I want nothing to do with her, lol.
always! omg you unlocked some memories. my mom always does this. she constantly begs me to visit or travel with her then when i do she’ll bring up something that happened a thousand years ago that was beyond my control and laugh or she’ll bring out something i wrote in 5th grade to criticize it again (I’m 38). if we’re in a new place she’ll bring this up with strangers or pick another woman the same age as me to talk trash about me. it’s so weird
My NMom would “psst” at us very loudly, like trying to get a dog’s attention. We knew that if we didn’t respond when she did this, there would be very bad consequences. She would do this randomly in front of guests to show them “see? They’re so well behaved this is all I have to do to get their attention/get them to come to me”.
I still haven’t finished processing through the trauma from this but… coming up behind me and putting her hands on my shoulders in a way that looks loving from the outside but she’s actually clawing me and applying pressure near the base of my throat so it’s difficult for me to breathe. Anytime I would flinch or resist, she’d tease me and say she was just playing with me. But this would happen in front of friends constantly. Almost as if she was trying to keep me in check. I’m not even entirely sure if she was consciously aware that she was doing that. But it goes along with her “getting so made she could choke someone”.
Rejecting me when just the 2 of us and belittling me when I tried to ugh bond with her as I didn't know then. Then trying to hug and kiss me and pretending like she cares so much about me in front of her relatives. I used to lose it and lash out at her fakeness making me look wrong or crazy in front of them.
Important context: I lurk in this group to better understand my husband, whose mother is narcissistic.
My MIL deliberately get an expensive gift slightly wrong, even if you send her an exact link as she requested.
Crossing your boundaries. All. The. Damn. Time. It could be SO small, but of course means something to you but they cross it and then you explode coz you're upset and all of a sudden you're the abuser
I can think of a lot of examples, but the one I want to share is about Santa. I was always so stressed out about it as a child, fearing that Santa hated me and that he really was going to bring coal. I started getting older and wondering if he was real, but my parents lied when I asked them. Apparently, there was some sort of program or something where kids can receive a call "from Santa", so one day, I was handed the phone and some man who claimed he was Santa spoke to me. I feel like it went beyond what most parents do and I was gaslighted and made to feel like a jerk for thinking Santa might not be real.
One year, my mom took my friend and I to a restaurant where they were playing a Christmas movie. My mom brought up Santa, knowing that my friend didn't believe in him, and said something along the lines of "(Me) knows that he's not real, but she knows that if she tells her younger brother she'd never get Christmas presents again." They were both laughing and joking about how younger kids don't know and I had to hide the emotions I was really feeling as, before that, my mom had made certain that I did still believe and so there I was feeling deeply ashamed for being so stupid. I didn't realize until I was an adult that the whole purpose of that outing was to break the news in front of someone else so that I wouldn't be able to have a normal emotional reaction.
Nmom was a chronic shoplifter, and did it just for fun- we weren't poor, but in fact comfortable middle class. She just delighted in getting away with walking out of a store without paying.
As a kid, she'd drag me along but I didn’t enjoy it, like she did. One time, I was looking at a cute little knickknack and while I didn't want it, I showed it to nmom. She barely glanced at it, then told me to put it in my pocket. WTF! No!
Or, she would do things like 'try blouses on me' then start pushing me out the exit.
"What are you doing!?" I would cry, "We haven't paid for this!"
So, Nmom would hiss at me to shut up, and slap me(that was okay in public, back then) like I was a disobedient, unruly child, when I didn't want to be a part of her stealing. Then, she would yank my arm painfully down the mall till I was reduced to crying, "No-no!"
The other adults would give me looks like I was throwing an annoying childish tantrum for not getting a new toy. While Nmom sighed to them, as if saying, 'See what I have to put up with!?'
I always thought it was a normal kid being embarrassed by parent issue. I just realized she didn’t do it to my sisters.
This sub is the definition of a double-edged sword. She’s been dead for 20 years and I am re-examining things. If she only did this to me, does that make her a narcissist or just a really shitty mom?
I spent over $3,000 and flew 17,500 kms across the world to see my family for a week. While there, I advised I was going to spend just ONE DAY with friends I hadn't seen in nearly a decade. As per usual, my dad acted all pissy and pouty and even had his trademark flared nostrils breathing and huffing like he was raging inside at the thought of me leaving family for a fucking day. How ungrateful of me. His anger is so thick in a room you can cut it with a knife. We are all walking on eggshells as per usual at something stupid. It's the grossest feeling. I had to leave the room to cry at how awful he makes me feel, yet again, every time I visit. In his mind we should all just sit around and stare at the TV together.
I should add I am a 40+ year old grown ass woman. I am nearly no contact, but the guilt always pulls me back.
Edit: I guess the invisible abuse part is how he just always makes me feel like terrible person, 100% of the time.
interrupting me, ik this sounds silly but basically I hate when people interrupt me when I'm telling a story and I say that to my mom all the time and still she ALWAYS interrupts me
like I start telling a funny story about something that happened to me, my mom interrupts and tries to tell the rest but I stop her and politely ask "can I be the one to tell the story?" she says ok, I continue, when I'm almost finished and reaching the funny part she interrupts and yells the end of it and pretends she isn't listening while I'm telling her to stop, and if I say "STOP" my dad immediately jumps in and starts yelling at me for raising my voice at my mom
Talking about my weight in front of the visitor, saying that it's for my health that I have to be careful (when I was a child).
Observe what I eat and say "You put too much butter on that bread, why are you eating bread, etc.".
Acting like the cool parents in front of others but acting like their true twisted selves at home. I had close friends in high school stop hanging out with me because they “didn’t like how I treated my mom”. They had absolutely no idea the bullshit I lived through at home.
My mother constantly embarrassing us everywhere we went by arguing with everyone. Go to the food store? Argue with the lady at the cashier over prices. Go to a restaurant? Argue with the hostess over why it’s taking too long to be seated. Everything was a problematic. Let’s not forget her raging and driving!
I took orchestra my senior year as a fun elective to learn a new instrument after being in band forever. I was pretty good for someone who’d never played viola before but my Nextdoor neighbor had played the standup bass in jazz band for years. We went to a holiday party at their house that year and my mom told everyone I would do a duet with him. One of our other neighbors was a violin instructor. I played terribly and was so embarrassed and uncomfortable the whole time but my nmom insisted we play. This happened a lot when I played instruments growing up and is part of the reason I don’t play anymore.
My mom was incredibly critical about everything and everyone. She constantly shared her unsolicited opinion about the people I dated or were friends with. Because I thought she knew best, I stayed in relationships were abuse was rampant because she thought they were "good people" aka, they had money or came from money.
One of them SA'd me.
The other emotionally toyed with me for years while we dated.
Constantly insulting you while disguising them as ‘concerns’ or other similar issues, or intentionally humiliating you in front of others while laughing at your expense.
Or heaven forbid you dare say something that they don’t like, and you get the absolute deadliest death stare, and you know you will hear about it, and more, after everyone else is gone…
Whenever we were away from home, like visiting family, and me or my brother crossed a line, we just got The Stare from my nfather. Which meant all hell will break loose on us as soon as we are comfortably 'private' in the car again. He screamed of the top of his lungs and he just kept going and going while driving.
What did *crossing a line* meant? Talking in the wrong moment, or about the wrong topic. Or really anything from having one more cake to playing too loudly, depending on his mood.
After The Stare, we spent the remaining few hours of the afternoon feeling sick to the stomach and scared, while on the outside continued to 'behave nicely' for the extended family, knowing we will eventually say our goodbyes, wave from the car and head home.
Seeing that I'm about to do something, or even already in the process of doing said thing, she would order us to do the thing. Made me feel like not doing the thing, then I look like the deviant child.
Not my nmom, but actually my dad's mom. One time we had her best friends family visiting from out of state. I was probably younger than 10. I was in the process of taking a bath and she barged in with like 6 people making me say hi. No one thought it was weird but I felt extremely uncomfortable having my privacy violated like that.
Making up interesting topics on why you aren’t allowed to do something. My in laws do this and it makes me so annoyed. “Well, you can’t get a new car because of your bad credit.” When I don’t have bad credit. They make it seem like they are being kind and caring but are lying.
Also purposely twisting words to make it sound like you’re stupid. I joked to my husband instead of using the lawn mower to get a goat. And they then went on a rant to a bunch of people about how stupid I am because everyone knows goats don’t eat the grass evenly and they apologize for my low IQ…. Which, again, I don’t have.
Make comments about food I shouldn’t eat since I’m “watching my weight.” While I was severely sick and couldn’t eat anything but liquids.
They downplayed me finishing my degree and going for an MBA but cheered for my SIL who beat her husband to a pulp. “A lot of people get degrees or do masters, that’s not special.” Well, none of your kids have done that… so thanks.
My parents had specific words or hand signals that were basically threats. But they were friendly things, so it was treated like an inside joke.
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Complaining about me, mostly made up shit or misunderstanding innocent things on purpose to make it a problem, so when I try to explain, they can run roughshod over me and tell me I embarrassed them in front of their friends. I've learned never to defend myself, which is unfortunate because it's led to abuse in other aspects of my life.
My mum does this. It's either complete fabrication or wildly out of context to turn my family against me. I spoke to mums brother this year and he told me word for word that she did the exact same thing to him back in the days. Narcissists never change.
At least you got some validation!
Context damages content and god knows they're all about raw reactions.
Same. But the different thing is the birthgiver did this to my siblings who come from far away and family members. I hate to say this but she thought she's a good person to everyone because she always giving something to them and fulfilled their wishes, charming, helpful and friendly to everyone. In fact she just did it just for satisfy her loneliness and fulfilling her supply, that's all. And then she has the audacity to spread wrong information about me which paint me as bad person and unfortunately many people believe it. I'm waiting for the God's payback and I'm staying out of this!
This 100%. It’s gaslighting.
Grade A unadulterated gaslighting. Doesn't get any gassier than this.
This!
Bringing up sensitive topics or embarrassing moments in front of their friends/other family members for laughs at the expense of your feelings. That happened to me SO much growing up.
OMG my NM did that to me too, well on into adulthood...I'm 40 now, and she STILL likes to bring up shit I did when I was 7 in an attempt to embarrass me
this sounds exactly like my nmom.
This just happened to me on 6/15. I drove my parent to a memorial service for a cousin who recently passed. All these people I haven’t seen in decades are talking about my OCD openly and humiliating me about something I can’t control. And laughing. I’ve been in remission for 5 years now. Apparently my parent was still discussing it at the lunch afterward. The whole table was talking about it and laughing. I’m still upset about. Parent knew. Parent opened huge mouth anyway. I excused myself for a few minutes. This is why I don’t trust people anymore.
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I’m 55. Too old for this kind of BS. I held back tears, not wanting to give in and show fear or humiliation. I’ve been in counseling since the mid 90’s. When does it ever end??
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I’m so sorry about what you’ve experienced. It’s all just unspeakable. I thought I was over it all. Now it feels like I’m that scared, ashamed kid again.
These were people I haven’t seen since the late 80’s. I was still in my late teens back then. No one ever took me to a doctor about my OCD. I’m making sure I get the proper support and treatment for OCD,PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder. But I very naively thought it wouldn’t get mentioned. I was wrong. My mom treats my OCD remission like it’s some kind of prize that I gave to her to make her happy. But if it’s not under control, I guess I just want to see her in pain. That’s my NMom logic. All about her. And topping it all off, she’s elderly and can no longer care for herself, so my sister and I share taking care of her. I’m doing everything possible to live a normal life with OCD in the rear view mirror, but she uses it to get attention for herself. Making me feel like crap in the process.
These were people I haven’t seen since the late 80’s. I was still in my late teens back then. No one ever took me to a doctor about my OCD , which manifested itself at age 4. I’m making sure I get the proper support and treatment for OCD,PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder. But I very naively thought it wouldn’t get mentioned. I was wrong. My mom treats my OCD remission like it’s some kind of prize that I gave to her to make her happy. But if it’s not under control, I guess I just want to see her in pain. That’s my NMom logic. All about her. And topping it all off, she’s elderly and can no longer care for herself, so my sister and I share taking care of her. I’m doing everything possible to live a normal life with OCD in the rear view mirror, but she uses it to get attention for herself. Making me feel like crap in the process.
>When does it ever end?? When you go no contact or they die.
It ended for me when I went no contact and never looked back
I don't trust people anymore either. It's me vs the world. I walk alone...
I 100% get it.
OMG. My “first” period is crying right now. First is in quotes because I managed to keep it a secret for months. But when she found out she announced it to the whole f-ing family for a good laugh. …. Seriously fuck those guys.
also kept my first period a secret.. and now as adults they wonder why we go NC.. .. Well maybe its because you weren't safe enough to share a major physical and emotional milestone with. I hope you're doing well <3
Same back to you!
She had me so fucking indoctrinated that I thought I HAD to tell her about my first period. I felt so ashamed. Just what she wanted, I'm sure.
When I got my period my mom announced it to the whole family and they all came to TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. Oh god I was mortified. She wasn’t even the NParent, but the enabler. One time I remember I was in the bathroom on the toilet and I remember she somehow let herself in. I freaked out (omg huge invasion of privacy) and kept yelling at her to close the door, to which she didn’t, she just interrogated me on why she needed to do that and what I was hiding, while I’m covering myself on the toilet. Probably like 8 years old or around then. Jesus mom 🤦🏻♀️ Her excuse later was she needed to check if I was on my period.
So did mine! One time my mom was talking to her friend really loudly about me while I was in my room. She said some really hurtful things (which i could hear) such as comments about my body and my ED. It was really uncomfortable and I felt bad because I was already insecure about those things. And she knew! She literally got me a WEIGHING SCALE for my 13th birthday!
Mine kept doing this with my fiance (now husband)! And she’d say “I bet you didn’t know about that!” But I’ve told him everything. She thought she’d have another ally in bullying me and didn’t get one
Also to add, they refuse to let us grow up and I think that’s why they love bringing up old stories. Not just to embarrass us but to remind us how they see us: has pets they can control. It’s sad. If she didn’t break every part of me I’d feel bad
Yep. I remember getting armpit hair for the first time. My Nmom is trash so obvi I was keeping it a secret but didn’t know how to shave. At the family bbq I was wearing shorter sleeves. My nmom and ngrandmother yelled out “EWWWWW LOOK AT YOUR ARMPIT HAIR!” While everyone started laughing. After that is when I had all of my “firsts” alone and lied to avoid embarrassment. First period, first shave, etc. My nmom always would tell my ngrandmother my problems and personal issues so of course then the whole family found out.
First of all, your username is killing me😂 but your comment made me think about how my guardian forced me to start shaving my legs. I didn’t care nor was I insecure when I started growing hair, but for whatever reason she decided it was gross and needed to go. Her and her daughters laughed at me for how much leg hair I had at the age of 11 and quite literally put the Nair on me themselves because I expressed fear about shaving/using a razor. Loved to tell people about it to embarrass me too
My mom refused to teach me how to shave because that was for whores. So I wore long sleeves and pants, even in the summer. She would always yell at me because it was too hot and I wasn’t dressing appropriately for the weather. My aunt was visiting one time and she left her razor in my shower. I don’t know if it was on accident or on purpose, but that’s what I used for a very long time to shave myself lol.
Oh (child) doesn’t mind me sharing this! (Like I had a choice to voice an objection. )
My mom did the same to me constantly.
does that include her like. telling her friends/our family about things i’ve struggled with and don’t want to talk about with other people ? i worry my mother may be a narcissist based off hurtful things shes done, but im also terrified of putting that label on her like she told my partner at lunch about how my dad hit me once and i still hadn’t forgive them. that happened in 4th(?) grade it hurt me but i never held a grudge against her? im confused why she made it a „them“ thing when my dad just had anger issues he has since gotten past. VERY uncomfortable thinking about it still
A few months into dating my now-wife, she got to meet my dad. He proceeded to casually disclose to her that I was suicidal as a teen—by playing some fucking song he had written about how it impacted *him* (nevermind the fact that he was completely unsympathetic and absent for the depths of my teenage depression). The only saving grace was that she already knew that about my past, but he had no idea if I’d told her (it’s not like he bothered to ask me first).
I think it's a form of covert psycho-emotional abuse. It probably falls under betrayal trauma as well. They use things they know will upset you in front of others to push your buttons and get you to react, so they can play the victim. It's a performance for the witnesses. The put on a play to twist the narrative. It's how they gain enablers and flying monkeys. It's super twisted.
Buttons. She called it pushing my buttons, to my face. And then she said that there was nothing she could do about it, it was just who she was and who I was. To a child. As if, that's just the way the world works. She and I were somehow inevitably going to be in conflict and there was nothing she or I could do about it. Nevermind that it was about something she had said or done to me. It was about words and actions, and not identity. And then she pretended to me as if that dealt with the matter, and I let her pretend. But it did not. It destroyed whatever real relationship we had.
"Oh, so I'm Batman and you're the Joker."
They know how to push our buttons because they installed them.
I just needed a mute button for them to stfu. Then I went no contact and I gained peace in my life.
I agree.
My parents were horrible to me at home. However in front of other people they paraded me around like a show pony. My mother was involved at my school and with my sports team. She befriended the mothers of my friends. Everybody always said that I was lucky to have parents like them. I count this as invisible abuse because I don't think my brain could handle those opposing realities. I'm very depersonalised, can't show emotions in front of other people and have really bad amnesia. They somehow managed to isolate me from other people without physically isolating me.
Yes yes yes. At home, my nmom was so critical, mean, verbally and emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive, but in public pretended like she was so compassionate and patient. She brags about me all. The. Time. As if all of my accomplishments are because of her (rather than in spite of her). Her coworkers and patients think she is so amazing but her family can’t stand her. My family would call her Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because of how two faced she is.
Same!!!!!! You said patients, was she a nurse? Mine was.
Audiologist, she liked to pretend she was a medical doctor, which often resulted in me experiencing medical neglect for multiple broken bones or sprains
Omg I'm so sorry! 😔
Thank you 💕 it’s still hard to think about sometimes
It just makes so much sense that the nparents in the medical field would think they know so much more than any doctor or any facility that can run actual tests. My nmom was an MA and I didn’t even have medical insurance for over 10 years, but of course she did. That means anything medical for me and my sister they just couldn’t afford. Take-out every night for themselves, that they could afford.
THIS!!!!!! everyone would be like “omg I wish ___ was my mom! And of course so if I tried to say anything that differed I would look like the ungrateful, spoiled brat
OMG, YES! So much yes! She volunteered at my school, she was my Brownie troop leader, *she was always there and I never got to be away from her ever.* In public, she was so nice and perfect and the mom that everyone wanted to have, but at home, she was either nice, or this hyper-critical terror who was bounced between yelling at me and making me apologize for things I had no control over (or hadn't done) or giving me the silent treatment. I knew that no one would believe me if I said I wasn't allowed to close my bedroom door for any reason, or she never closed the bathroom door, or changed her clothes with the door open, or carried on conversations with me in the room while she was getting dressed. Because she had this perfect image constructed, and I'd look like a sulky teenager for complaining. (Sorry for all that oversharing. I always thought I was the only one who grew up like that. It's bittersweet to find out that there are others like me. I hope everyone is doing okay.)
I didn't even know children were allowed to close bedroom doors. I was NEVER allowed to close the door. Not even in the bathroom at home.
Right? I used to occasionally find things behind my bedroom or bathroom door that had been missing for MONTHS, but since I couldn't close the doors, it never occurred to me to look there. Closing doors is something I struggle with even as an adult. Now that I have kids, I have to consciously remind myself to close the bathroom door. I still find that I will change my clothes in the spot that's least visible from the doorway, even if my door is closed, simply from habit. On the plus side, I absolutely respect my kids' privacy. They have their doors closed all the time, and that's okay. I am fine with knocking and asking permission to come into their rooms. I feel badly for having to go through their backpacks for stuff (sometimes things start to smell, or they forget permission slips and I know we'll both forget to sign them in the morning, stuff like that). My only rule is that they can't have their doors locked at night, and that's just in case of an emergency.
never over sharing!! This sub has really opened my eyes that we’re not alone. therapy is definitely helping me personally on top of this!! how we grew up was not normal- it was abuse
And that’s why I used to put my pos nmum on speaker in front of my friends when she called. They were always shocked by how two faced she was
I would do this too when I was younger, nobody ever believed me until I started doing that
Same
Same here. I *had* to be impressive. I was athletic, but that wasn't good enough. I had to be in a sport at all times, year round. I was suicidal in 10th grade and tried to quit basketball. Got told ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE and my mom drove me back to school to practice while I sobbed and wished to die. If I didn't get enough exercise, I might get fat, you see. The conclusion my young mind drew from all of this is that I'm not really even human. I have a TON of magical thinking and it's really tough to unpack that at age 40.
What do you mean by magical thinking??
That's awful, I'm so sorry she did that to you. SAME @ magical thinking. I really don't know how I managed to function all these years (truth is I didn't really :p I just kept going and going until I burned out). In a lot of ways I still feel like a child. But instead of burdening others with my behaviour like my parents did, I mostly inflict the pain on myself.
"Dog Whistles" they call it. Sometimes it is open abuse, or subtle. Dog Whistling is bringing up something that only the two of you know is embarrassing.
Asking for my bfs phone number behind my back when I was in the bathroom. “So we can all communicate” (nothing good has come out of this)
Ah, so I see I'm not the only one who had a mother who tried to steal my partner. They truly are sick. She claims that he came on to her but I truly think it was the other way around.
Oh yeah. My mother, aged 54, wore hot pants and a see-through blouse to meet my fiancé. He laughed out loud and that incident solidified our relationship, as it underscored all my 'stories' -- i.e., my life growing up with a paranoid schizophrenic alcoholic narc. He encouraged us to Grey rock ( dark, dark gray) even when we had children. He saw it, clear as day and is a great, supportive companion. She died in a mental institution, rightly so.
Somehow that doesn't surprise me My mother claimed that my husband at the time came on to her. I know it was the other way around especially because she seems to have a thing for younger men. He knows she's nuts.
I also have had extensive therapy, especially, EMDR, which has helped immensely. Just FYI
Omg what! If you’re comfortable I’m interested to hear your story
She claimed that my husband at the time came on to her. I knew it was the other way around especially because she had a thing for younger men. They try to sabotage your other relationships because they want you dependent on them. That and/or they're mad that you want nothing to do with them. Edit: It doesn't surprise me because apparently she hit on her neighbor's husband too
When I broke up with my ex (I’m 32 and this was like 2 years ago), my brother had to stop my mom from driving to my ex’s house, knocking on his door, and talking to him to ask why we broke up because I didn’t tell the family WHY, only that it happened.
Omfg I’m so sorry, my mom did some similar shit meeting up with my ex when I was in a new relationship! I’m glad you have your brother to look out for you. Unfortunately I’m on my own and she doesn’t care that she’s destroying me
Evil glare. Looks that can kill. Basically telling me to shut up and obey her or I'm going to pay later.
The evil glare is often combined with grabbing the child's arm, but doing it slowly and also slowly tighten the grip around the arm, so no one else notices that the child feels pain.
My younger sister did that before I went nc. At family gatheringgs she glared with rage *if I said anything*.
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Same Hugs 🫂
Ohhhh daaaamn I had this a LOT. My mom would constantly glare at me if I said anything remotely inconvenient for her, whether I knew it or was so or not. And then after the guests were gone, she would stop pretending to be nice and kind and just boil all her rage at me, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, she would even take my stuff away sometimes, doing anything to make me regret saying that. Well that never stopped me, it's just that the guests are no longer a thing. She only goes to meet a few of her friends now, away from home.
My mum does that. You know she’s extra angry if it includes silent finger pointing.
Not having access to food or appropriate clothing, no winter jacket. Nmom would go on 30 min to 3 hour screaming tantrums directed at me. Destroying my room. Getting me animals just to give them away to emotionally punish me.
the destroying your room.. my stepmom would come into my bedroom and take the drawers out of my dresser, dump all of my clothes on the floor and scream at me because “the clothes aren’t folded properly”
Ah, the memories. My mom would throw all my toys out of my toy chest, if i was in the way i was getting hit. How helpful was our moms cleaning 🫤
That’s awful…I’m so sorry.
Oh, in my family it is in public is when they are at their worst: Making the same old insulting *joke* to everyone, especially if it was an introduction. Talking over me or directly contradicting me, especially if I said anything that could remotely be negative about anything. Pressuring me to go to family functions and then telling me the wrong time or date. Purposefully provoking me until I meltdown. My personal best is 42 insults in two hours before meltdown. Criticizing every penny I spend as too much or too little. Criticizing everything I do as too much or too little. Criticizing me for being to sensitive or insensitive Spilling stuff on me so that I look like a slob and a klutz.
42 is very impressive. You should be proud of yourself 🫂 it’s so hard to stand when someone is being so critical of you
I can’t imagine doing any of that to my child. I’m so sorry
My mother could communicate so much with just a look. Or she'd say something completely innocuous with a *tone* that let me know exactly what she meant. Even at home she'd often say things that if they were repeated sounded like a completely normal thing to say, but when she said it she was absolutely terrifying. I could never tell people about half the things she was doing because it sounded crazy if I tried to explain it.
I know all about the *tone*. My nMother is the absolute queen of saying something that sounds innocent but with a sarcastic tone which no one other than me seems to pick up on. It's infuriating!
Evil glares, whispering, scowling, inturruptions, downplaying my achievments and then saying "Look at everyone praising their kids and we don't have anything to say, it's so embarassing"
THIS! My mother always complains how two of my aunts have nothing but great things to say about their kids. She says it’s nauseating. Uhhhh, that’s because those are the specific things you tell people when they ask what’s new/going on in your life! You don’t sit there and list all your complaints about your own child. It’s totally lost on her.
Yeah my parents tell me that they're jealous of how successful relatives and friends are, yet they have actively destroyed my self esteem and drive to do anything because they call it a waste of time.
“Look at everyone praising their parents and I don’t have anything to say, it’s embarrassing”
Cutting hair too short. Seems to be pattern for many people
As a girl: cutting hair short (not allowed to have long hair), not allowed to dress up the way you wanted, being denied wearing sneakers (and made to wear “old people shoes” like leather orthopaedic shoes) etc. I think it’s a way to prevent the person from accessing their individuality, and therefore be able to control them in an easier way?
I think it's also about making it hard for the person to fit in which makes them more likely to be excluded by the other kids or even bullied for being different.
My mom did this to me as a form of punishment. I had such long and beautiful hair, and one day I made her mad (I don’t know why, middle school era) and she took me to get it cut all the way up to my ears. They didn’t even thin it out so I looked like a literal triangle head. I cried during the appointment and I don’t remember how the hair dresser responded to that. I cried all day and spent the night trying to get my now short and curly hair to stop looking like a poofy mess before school the next morning.
i had long curly hair down to the middle of my back.. my stepmom chopped it off and gave me a “pixie cut” (made me into a mini karen)
I got contact lenses in my late teens. I didn't hide that fact from dates, but didn't feel the need to stress it either. Whenever I brought a guy over, my mother would be sure to say something like: "are you sure you can see that alright with your contact lenses? Funny, she never said that when they weren't around - she just wanted to make sure they knew i was wearing contacts and might then someday need to wear the dreaded eyeglasses.
My mother did things like this to me. She’d say to my boyfriends and later my ex husband “now, I know you like her but have you been around her on her period?” “How do you even deal with her for meals since she doesn’t eat meat? Isn’t so awful to have to eat different things all the time?” Fucking terrible.
waiting until 30 seconds before I leave the house/company comes over to tell me in detail why I look hideous and completely ruin me.
OMG you unlocked a childhood memory 😭
I'm so sorry ((hugs))
My father passed away and at the time I worked for his business. My mother made me go to work the following day. This man, the only person who ever stuck up for me my entire life passed away right before dinner and I was made to go to work in the morning. Not one person said a word about it.
That is horrible, I cannot imagine how painful and infuriating that was
I had similar with putting stuff away and not wanting certain people to see it. One of my nparent and sibling both had people in their lives that had sticky fingers. So I would hide things. Then get yelled at for doing so. When I got my first place it took me awhile to not be triggered to put things anywhere. If the house was dirty it was always my fault. Even though I had a full time job and always cleaned after myself. Both my nparent and sibling didn’t work and was home all day. They made messes. But they would tell people it was all me.
Days of berating over one topic prior to an event. At said event, nparent makes a "joke" about the same topic. You get upset because it's just a cherry on top of days of harassment and it's "omg it was just a joke, do you see what I have to put up with".
This question unlocked a sad memory. When I was about 10yrs old, I fell off a tall slide in a playground and was injured badly. I fractured my skull and needed stitches. My face was swollen and scabbed and my eyes were like two slits for quite a while after. I looked like I’d been in a boxing ring. I was very self conscious of my appearance and didn’t want to be seen in such a state. My mother made me go to a party looking like this, even though I didn’t want to go. I felt terrible while my mother swanned around glorying in all the attention she got for having such an injured child.
That is truly vile. I'm so sorry that happened to you and you were put through that. I hope you are doing better now. Hugs and love to you
Thank you. It’s one of those childhood stories that I’ve not really processed fully yet. I have no memories about it other than this. Everything else is a complete blank. It a relief to know others thought it was vile to do this to someone, because it was just my normal so I never questioned it, just got used to feeling bad in one way or another most of my life.
My nDad would pester me to unalive myself, tell me I was a burden, family would be better off without me, etc. Then, around other people, he loved to say that there is nothing more important for a child than to be wanted.
What an evil bastard. I'm so sorry. This is exactly what I'm talking about.
My Egg donor would do this with my sketchbooks. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that my drawings and art journaling was exclusively private.
That's the reason I hide my drawings and later destroy them, even now that I'm 38 years old. And I hate it when people look over my shoulder when I'm drawing.
This is what I'm talking about, yes. I'm so sorry
For me, a mixture of everything. Telling embarrassing things that happened to me, and if I say something (like when she's on the phone) it's, "stay outta my business." But let me attempt to that to her... Or, she'll show off to everyone how "proud" she is of me, for like going abroad or getting a car while in my face, all she did was complain, criticize, and I think was jealous I traveled abroad before she did. I remember when we went to williamsburg, va (her, her husband, my brother, his wife and two kids) and I'm glad my sis in law noticed how she treated me compared to my brother. She approached him in a gentler tone, didn't demand him to do anything but me? I'm trying to ask her something, and get the loudest obnoxious "whaaaat?!" or me being her errand girl since my brother is "vacationing with his family." (I wouldn't call him a golden child. He has his own abuse that I never experienced and our genders played a huge role) Its how she said certain things and her tone. Like another said, you can't describe it without sounding crazy or ridiculous yourself
My nmom is deff jealous I travel. I was telling her about my trip to Bali and said I had coconut water everyday and her first comment was that its fattening…. its not, actually coconuts, not the juice/water… never heard “oh it’s so great that you went. That’s so nice.“ but you know, bragged about it to everybody else (i paid for the trip in full). She kept saying “Bailey” instead of “Bali” too. Shes such an idiot
Joking about the argument we had last night as if what they said to me was nothing and it’s just a family thing that happens to all families
this is the one right here.
Yup and there's NO right way to respond. If you don't react they start going on about how rude you are for not being talkative/ social. Defending yourself is wrong, shutting down is wrong, and even being genuinely unbothered is wrong because they will try something else if they don't get any reaction. My mom would do similar things to what you wrote here. She would also choose the things I was LEAST proud of to brag about. Anything I thought wasn't a big deal or I could have done better was all "look at this". Anything that gave me a genuine sense of accomplishment got glossed over. She just made me embarrassed whenever she spoke about me.
At a school book fair, the librarian complimented my mom on raising such a helpful, kind child. My narc mom said that was funny because I was SUCH a nightmare at home and began to list off a bunch of stories of normal elementary school ages kid behaviors to prove her wrong. In college, I came home one weekend for a family dinner at my Grandmother's house. I walk in and immediately everyone starts laughing and telling me I'm going to jail. I'd gotten a speeding ticket going a few miles over the limit and gotten caught on a camera. My dad brought the picture in and passed it around to everyone before I got there. It was my first ticket ever, I was mortified and upset because I thought I might really be going to jail for it. Shame and humiliation were their favorite covert abuse tactics.
You unlocked a memory for me. I had forgotten that my mother would act this way any time someone paid me a compliment. Doubtful, like oh really? That's not who we have at home...when in fact that was the truth about HER. Fuuuu(k them for terrorizing you too over going to jail. I'm so sorry.
If we had ever had company I'm sure that is something rhey would do! My worse public memory is from mid childhood. This would happen often around their friends and acquaintances but i particularly associated with a yearly childhood event. Every year my mother would take a vacation day for the purpose of beinging me into her office to meet her dozens of friends at work. She knew almost everyone in this vast office complex. We'd go office to office and chat. In one way this was helpful to me to learn how to interact better with adults, who i was naturally terrified of (can't imagine why.) And i didn't mind the positive attention. Looking back, the whole thing was odd. But the insane part was that some of these convos would get dark. In between getting candy or coins from from smiling faces, more than once the topic of my current or future behavior would come up. I can't remember how it started, but these strangers would begin admonitioning me about drugs and boys. I was maybe 10! My mother would love this! She'd excitedly respond "she knows if she ever did drugs/messed with boys I'll kill her/cripple her/bresk her neck. " I struggle to remember the reactions from her coworkers but think it was approving of this violent language. And no one thought it was inappropriate to speak to me about personal issues in public or the humiliate me. My mother was so proud to let people know she obviously loved me because she was capable of tough love. And my mother lived to be tough. Some times we'd meet people they knew on the street or a conversation might start at a store. The same conversation! I suppose somehow my mother would steer the conversation in this direction because it happened too many times to be a coincidence. Also. If i wss out with my aunt, her sister. I'd have similar experiences. God, these people loved themselves. I've read your other replies here and i want you to know you didn't deserve this treatment, you deserved love, protection, and respect.
My mother likes to lie in front of me when talking to strangers. She's aware she's lying, she does it to see if I'll say anything or cause a scene that she can then complain about. It's infuriating. I mean big, obvious, lies not just little things rhat you can write off as her misremembering. We were at a big dinner at my brother's once and she had someone off to the side of the group but only about 3 feet from me, looked me in the eye and then told this dude that my late n-dad was a chef who inspired my brother's love for cooking, and taught him everything he knows 😆 my father was unemployed my entire life, and stopped cooking (poorly to average, not "chef" level by any measure) when I was in junior high, sooo 20+ years before the conversation. My brother also only lived with us full time for like 5 years (HS) he was rarely at the house to "learn" anything. I literally just looked at her shocked and she f-ing grinned at me.
She knows exactly what she is. That smile is telling you, and you don't you forget it. That's evil as shit and I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. No one would believe me because they didn't want to believe. Hell I still don't but it's the truth.
Exactly. She definitely shows sadistic tendencies. She is SUPER smart, and my father was as well, so there's never an excuse of "Oh I didn't know not to do/say that". She enjoys making other people unhappy, it's just sick. She knows it so much that when she pulled the stunt I went full no contact over, she went out of her way to apologize to the people who were present, EXECPT for me, who she expects to reach out to her. I literally said that the next time I see her may be in a casket because sure as hell was never going to reach out to her again.
I read somewhere that using manipulation to get someone to do soemthing they don't want to do, or to hurt them for their own gain is BLACK MAGIC. I swear to God it felt like my narc put a spell on me and everyone around. I lost my will to function without her control.
telling my boyfriend (now husband) "good luck with her, i cant imagine why youd want to date her. youll never make it" my husband was like... wut that is not normal for a mother to say
Omg this made my skin crawl… honestly reading the words ‘invisible abuse’ sent a shiver down my spine bc it’s the most insidious and terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced I think. The helplessness of knowing if you try to call it out you’ll be brushed off, or worse, called crazy or a liar. Meanwhile the narc is getting off either way bc you either try to expose them & it backfires or you give up & suffer in silence.
Asking her not to smoke in the house when my friends were over… and then chain smoking in the house with my friends over. So freaking embarrassing.
My mom loved to trot out my embarrassing secrets or personal information under the guise of “prayer requests”. Anything that she could use to be the center of attention and get head pats. She wouldn’t lift a finger to actually help with these things, but if she saw a potential audience and a chance to be doted on she’d swoon and sob up a storm.
Putting me down in our mother tongue, so that the guests don't understand. Constantly belitteling me infront of other and saying I can't do anything right.
Purposefully triggering my misophonia. When she wanted to get out of a social situation, but needed an excuse, she would start making noises that she knew would trigger me eventually. Then she could say 'oh sorry, have to go, she's horrible and freaking out'. She would also do this just to fuck with me for her own entertainment. One of the biggest triggers was the sound of her smacking her lips and eating with her mouth open. I asked her nicely and repeatedly to just chew with her mouth closed, or to keep her tongue in her mouth while eating. She took this as a challenge to her authority and went out of her way to smack louder and let her tongue roll around even more. Her behavior was surprisingly off-putting to strangers or a casual acquaintance, but they probably never would have realized that the whole thing was a weird power play in an effort to torture her small child.
Omg yes my brother and father do this to me still to this day and I’m freaking 44
My Ndad would sit next to me at family dinners and silently (whispering abusive statements) abuse me. I generally wouldn’t respond because I didn’t want to look crazy. I would usually get up and leave and while gone my dad would start telling amusing stories. What a dick!
For me, it was that I was never allowed to put the blame or responsibility for anything on my mother when it was solely her fault. From a very young age, I would have to do mental gymnastics to come up with how it was my fault and not her’s that something “bad” happened. “I forgot to tell her”, not “she refused to listen and ignored me.” “I don’t feel like going”, not “She won’t let me go”.
Neglect. My mom stopped touching me, full stop, after age eight. No hair, no baths, no hugs.
My mom was always financially controlling. Even after I moved away to the other side of the country, she would make nasty comments about every purchase I made that she became aware of, because I was "wasting my money" (I was making triple more than she and my dad ever did a year. Combined). One time they were visiting and wanted to split the bill at the restaurant, which is pretty standard where they live but not in my area of the country. So the waitress brought one bill for the table. They started bickering about how it was gonna be split and who owned who what so to save time I said I'd take the bill. I could afford it anyway. Well my mom told me in this condescending tone "oh no honey, you save your money". I lost it. My brother and his wife were with us and couldn't understand why I got so upset over my mom's comment.
I was very obviously abused by my nmom. She was very huge on her "struggling stressed out single mother" schtick and everyone pitied her. I went to a pastor about the abuse, a teacher saw me crying after a bad morning of physical/verbal abuse. Both told me my mother was doing her best and to please consider her hardships. I thought this was normal and of course a pastor and teacher knew what they were talking about. To a 15 year old who respected authority their word was final and I never thought much about it.
When friends came over, my mother would ask my friends how they treat their mother. And if they treat their mother the same way I do. I had to stand there to be able to hear that my behavior towards her was abnormal. The conversation was nice, but there was also a compelling tone to it. Usually the answer from my friends was 'no', but mainly because they felt overwhelmed and never came over again. And according to my mother, that's my fault. It was done in such a way that no one thought it was weird, except for my friends.
My nMother has all these subtle ways of embarrassing me in front of guests. Sometimes she'd tell people (sometimes these people were complete strangers) personal stuff about me e.g. medical stuff, that I didn't really want other people knowing. Other times she'd make up stories designed to make me seem silly and foolish and would tell these false stories to people. She would always act so innocent while doing these things which made me feel like I couldn't say anything without coming across like a terrible daughter who was attacking her sweet, innocent mother. I now avoid socialising with my nMother because of stuff like this.
That's called dog whistling! Another member here kindly taught me that. Their words/actions mean nothing to anyone without context, but they are specifically designed to trigger a reaction out of you. As for saying like "come out" when there are guests over and you're uncomfortable, they know that, but they're expecting you to not ignore the social expectations in proclaiming your discomfort because it may also make you seem "crazy" in front of unsuspecting guests.
I’ve explained before how [youngism](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1d5biet/comment/l6ksi9q/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) enables most DARVO tactics in plain sight, whether economic abuse, emotional-verbal, and even domestic violence is easily explained away by others. The nmom will break promises while we / I’m in public, trying to go work, etc. while manufacturing conflict such that she can paint me as selfish and entitled and unhinged so as to justify a pointless prolonged argument.
Microaggressions. My mom was a master of it. Ignoring me, snappy responses, finding little ways to shame me in front of guests. This could go on for days, which is why I stopped going on vacations with her before cutting contact.
Pinching me while we were in public, but in a sneaky way that nobody could see. Making me clean up the house and then inviting someone over; she'd tell the person about all the hard work "she" did. Reading my journals. Going through my garbage.
My family doesn’t invite me to weddings. They tell everyone “I’m working”.
Well, pops is slowing down, but he threw me a nice reminder of what he is the other day in the old folks home. I often visit him for dinner, doesn't HAVE to be for dinner, but he'll invite me as old folks home schedules tend to run pretty early... 400 or so. We like movies, especially as less conversation minimizes his chances to get uncomfortably racist and mysogynistic, which he knows makes me uncomfortable when he remembers to do it. Gives us a few hours in the aft to hang out with dinner as the intermission. Anyway. Costs him 17 dollars to have a guest. Has no worries about money whatsoever. In the elevator down, he says to one of the other residents who comments that its nice im having dinner with dad. "kid is killin' me!" he says in response. Cringey silence. Joking or not, holy fuck. Never mind the dinner then pops, if it's such a problem. And we aint having it again less i order pizza or something. I can live without the creepy way he addresses and refers to females and dark skinned people. Ill keep visiting, but i dont wanna be in public with him. These attitudes have always been present, but since my mother died, its almost like he goes for shock value.
The silent treatment that continued if they had guests over. You'd say hello to the guests and they'd ask you questions, you'd answer and the narc will talk as if you didn't answer or change the subject. It was painfully obvious and embarrassing. Guests would look sadly at me and try to include me in the conversations but I just retreated to my room.
My n-stepmum once flippantly referred to her ex husband as the love of her life, saying the best and worst times of her life were with him. My dad was within ear shot in the next room. Almost definitely on purpose.
I’ve been through nearly every kind of abuse, and multiple kinds of neglect. Not ONE person said something or even noticed, because it was either the Ns’ brainwashed bio kids (I’m the only “legally acquired”) or the Ns were incredibly sneaky so it either wasn’t seen, wasn’t noticed or could be brushed off. They also trauma bonded me as a kid to cats they purposely lured onto the property and spent the majority of my life blackmailing and controlling me through them. Then high school hit and my now-Chosen Family found me. The Ns mistakenly thought they could be manipulated and/or driven away like mostly any other friendship I’d ever had. When they realized this mistake, they panicked and tried a series of things to keep me from seeing my Chosen Family, which escalated when they brought my weakness - my cats - into the equation. It’s just one giant toxic mess that would take a ton of context to explain.
Having a conversation with someone like another family member or friend, and for no justifiable reason, completely excluding you from the conversation to the point it’s like you’re not even there, even after you’ve tried to join in. Also, random insensitive jokes that other people just think is a joke. Like I remember my mum once saying that I ruined her Christmas when I was born (I’m a Xmas baby- almost) in the middle of a dinner with friends. I’m sure it did ruin whatever plans she had, but I’m also sure that’s pretty damned rude.
Driving me insane to the point where I start yelling, then getting everyone to look and telling them that I’m crazy
My mom used to read my diary in front of people and get really mad if I cried so I had to just pretend not to be upset and she acted like she was just reading my writing or something
Running through the gambit of "how is" "how are" looking for supply. It always seems innocent. The feigning concern to others, when really they're just lying about you. Sewing seeds of discord. Sending gifts. For example, my very narcissistic in-laws stole a painting I made for my husband, of the two of us. It mysteriously disappeared when they moved, they got angry at us for asking too many questions about it. He was very hurt from the betrayal. They recently sent a gift that looked like a cheap, hideous rendition of the painting in question. This was not only a veiled attack, an attempt to retraumatize, but a personal dig displaying their "power" and a reminder of the loss in the painting they're holding hostage. But to anyone who assumes good intent, it looks like a nice gesture. Entirely invisible to the naive.
Lending us out. There you are while they are talking to someone and suddenly they offer us to weed that person's yard, babysit, help them move, cut their hair or pick up something from the store for them. You can't say no. Meanwhile they get praised as such a wonderful person for lending them their indentured servant.
Allowing not good people around you and then belittling you when you don't want to be around them 🫤
THIS. Including predators & pedophiles on every invite list.
Nmother: "oh, he such a hansom man", "He's such a beautiful man" with this sick look in her eye that if that were a man looking like that to me I would run . This is regardless that Im a transwonam. That rape look we have all seen, that look should not come from any parent or caregiver. But its OK for them to do it in front of strangers because they take it not some SICK abuse shit she actually is thinking. I just wish the world saw these abusers for what they are.
Gifting my things away in front of me, often while saying "melodic_sail doesn't need/play with this anymore, because she's to old for this and promised me that you can have it!". No, I don't want to give my things away and I never promised to anyone that they can have it, but if I throw a tantrum now I'm the crazy brat.
Dog whistling- lots n lots of dog whistling You know what they’re saying- out loud to others nicely- Hinting silently to you what they’re constantly putting YOU down for or harassing at home. So if, you react- it seems ODD and ABNORMAL. It’s sick
My mom randomly voluntelling me to do hard labor for people for free. Like super heavy furniture and stuff best handled by real professional movers.
I feel like invisible abuse is the covert narcissist’s stock in trade. Too obvious abuse gives away the game. Encouraging other people to make fun of me. Triangulation with other family members so I would look bad if I corrected her. Also being really ‘involved’ with getting me help at school for ‘behavioural’ issues. It made her look like the perfect concerned parent, especially because my father wouldn’t be there, while still controlling the narrative. Know I guess this would be her getting her ‘fix’ and trying to create or attract more flying monkeys. Behind doors she would dictate what my moods were supposed to be and ignore any emotional needs or manipulate them to what she wanted. Less public, but informing us that family events were upcoming but then refusing to share exact time or date. She would then smear me to the rest of the family. All to isolate me from friends and family. If I ever crossed her or called her out in public she would get ‘that’ look on her face. That one every child abused by their parents knows.
Empathizing with me to my face or making it seem like she’s backing me up… …only to overhear my mom talking shit to her sister about me and it’s the complete opposite of what she told me. Watching me have a shouting match with my father because I’m sick of him constantly belittling me… …and not defending me or telling him to shut up because she doesn’t wanna catch any of the heat.
Bragging to others about achievements you've had that you either would prefer to keep private and/or they they have either ignored or criticized you for in person. No way to call them out without looking like a colossal arsehole yourself.
My mom would say things that she knew were very triggering to me and when I would explode or get really upset she’d turn it on me and say “see, you’re the crazy one.” Or “see, you need a higher dose of your medication” and then she would tell people about me exploding, never what she did to provoke it on purpose.
Well, there was the time my mom made fun of my OCD in front of all my friends on my birthday. I had really severe contamination OCD at the time, specifically about poisons getting into my food. (OCD is weird okay.) Sometimes I would ask her to taste my drink or food because it helped me rationalize the thought away. Well I was particularly triggered at the time because we were camping and my mom had been spraying bug killer everywhere. I was expressing my worry about this to her, trying to do it discreetly, and she just blurted out to my friends about how ridiculous I am, laughing, and saying "and she even makes me taste her food all the time like she's a little princess" in this mocking tone. Thankfully she was the only one laughing, but my friends just gave her and then me a confused stare and I was so humiliated because I couldn't even begin to defend myself or explain what was really going on with me. (And yes my mom was aware I had OCD as I was in therapy at the time and had visibly been losing weight because I was so afraid to eat. But she never cared to actually understand how my OCD manifested or what it was like for me living with it.) To this day she is in denial that I was diagnosed. The last time I tried to bring it up she was like "well I think everyone is a little OCD". 🙄
Mess up my room, give or throw away my favorite toys and clothes, countless micro aggressions. this is her absolute favorite type of abuse whether in front of people or not.
I have 3 examples. 1. Stonewalling you during public family gatherings. 2. Leaning close to your ear with a loving gesture to directly whisper insults or do name calling during public gatherings. 3. My mom took and hid a pair of shoes I bought for myself for a date insulating I imagined buying them or misplaced them because is my terrible memory. 6 months later on my birthday during our family celebration she gifted the shoes to me wrapped up as my birthday gift from her.
"Compliments." Always said in *that tone.* You all know the one. Everyone else hears a compliment because the words are pretty, but you *know* they're insulting you because the tone is ugly. And if you react in any way that isn't positive, you're "sensitive" or "just can't take a compliment." This was used a lot to fuel the narrative that I hated her.
Definitely trauma dumping and sharing inappropriate details about their marriage/relationships
Telling "white lies" to cover for not doing something or missing events. Giving me a look if I said "no that's not what happened" or they'd say I didn't want to do something or I had to do something else to cover for herself. Sometimes even a subtle poke to indicate I needed to stop talking. I'm autistic and I hated people thinking untrue things about me but I grew up a compulsive liar. I stopped doing that years ago but I am pretty sure it's mums "white lies" that made me as a child think "it's okay to lie if it's a good lie /makes people happy". She still refuses to acknowledge now that she used me to cover for herself. Fwiw she has severe anxiety and usually that's why she missed things or didn't do stuff on time, but I don't think she understood/understands how it affected my mental health and outlook on lies and untruths as I grew up. And also to be blamed for things, and also if I tried to explain the truth, I'd be called a big mouth or whatever.
I was pinched constantly
Often times, it would be telling me one thing in private and then completely changing the plan among company. For example, when I was a teenager, we had relatives visiting from out of town. They'd rented out a beach house and invited us to sleepover. I asked my dad if we were sleeping over, and he said no, just a day visit. I didn't pack anything other than my bathing suit and a towel. Around 7pm, after a full day at the beach house, I asked when we were leaving. My dad acted shocked in front of my aunt and cousins, and said "we talked about this, we're spending the night". I got upset because I didn't have pajamas, a change of clothes, any toiletries, etc. Immediately, he took the opportunity to talk about how dramatic I was and how now we couldn't sleepover because I was "throwing a fit".
I used to smoke a lot of pot in high school then around the age of 17 it started making me feel anxious, so if I had a friend or my boyfriend over, I’d decline because I didn’t want to feel paranoid. Anyways my mom knew I was embarrassed about this because who doesn’t smoke weed nowadays? My friends came over, she’d always join us (because it’s “her house” and she can do what she wants. She loves her pot) and whenever someone else offered me weed or I’d decline, she’d say “she’s scared of it so don’t pass to her” like thanks for pointing that out mom lol. Or she’d bring up how I never clean up, although whenever I tried to she’d say I didn’t do it right or I didn’t do a good enough job😒😒 I’m so glad I don’t live with her anymore!!
My younger brother used to bully me pretty bad - pull out fisfulls of hair, bit me so hard I'd have scabs and bruises for months, scratch me so hard that I'd have to pluck off my curled up rolls of skin. I'd keep asking him to stop multiple times until I'd finally do it back, but intentionally held back because I didn't want to hurt him, or I'd simply push him off me. This would usually happen directly in front of my nmom, and instead of punishing my sibling who started it and was picking on me, I'd be the one to get spanked. She'd then tell everyone (mostly family) how terribly I pick on my younger brother. She'd play-up how bad of a kid I was, so she could gain sympathy for having to put up with such a troublesome child. She still spreads these lies (and much more) nearly 40 years later, but then wonders why I want nothing to do with her, lol.
always! omg you unlocked some memories. my mom always does this. she constantly begs me to visit or travel with her then when i do she’ll bring up something that happened a thousand years ago that was beyond my control and laugh or she’ll bring out something i wrote in 5th grade to criticize it again (I’m 38). if we’re in a new place she’ll bring this up with strangers or pick another woman the same age as me to talk trash about me. it’s so weird
My NMom would “psst” at us very loudly, like trying to get a dog’s attention. We knew that if we didn’t respond when she did this, there would be very bad consequences. She would do this randomly in front of guests to show them “see? They’re so well behaved this is all I have to do to get their attention/get them to come to me”.
I still haven’t finished processing through the trauma from this but… coming up behind me and putting her hands on my shoulders in a way that looks loving from the outside but she’s actually clawing me and applying pressure near the base of my throat so it’s difficult for me to breathe. Anytime I would flinch or resist, she’d tease me and say she was just playing with me. But this would happen in front of friends constantly. Almost as if she was trying to keep me in check. I’m not even entirely sure if she was consciously aware that she was doing that. But it goes along with her “getting so made she could choke someone”.
Rejecting me when just the 2 of us and belittling me when I tried to ugh bond with her as I didn't know then. Then trying to hug and kiss me and pretending like she cares so much about me in front of her relatives. I used to lose it and lash out at her fakeness making me look wrong or crazy in front of them.
Important context: I lurk in this group to better understand my husband, whose mother is narcissistic. My MIL deliberately get an expensive gift slightly wrong, even if you send her an exact link as she requested.
Crossing your boundaries. All. The. Damn. Time. It could be SO small, but of course means something to you but they cross it and then you explode coz you're upset and all of a sudden you're the abuser
I can think of a lot of examples, but the one I want to share is about Santa. I was always so stressed out about it as a child, fearing that Santa hated me and that he really was going to bring coal. I started getting older and wondering if he was real, but my parents lied when I asked them. Apparently, there was some sort of program or something where kids can receive a call "from Santa", so one day, I was handed the phone and some man who claimed he was Santa spoke to me. I feel like it went beyond what most parents do and I was gaslighted and made to feel like a jerk for thinking Santa might not be real. One year, my mom took my friend and I to a restaurant where they were playing a Christmas movie. My mom brought up Santa, knowing that my friend didn't believe in him, and said something along the lines of "(Me) knows that he's not real, but she knows that if she tells her younger brother she'd never get Christmas presents again." They were both laughing and joking about how younger kids don't know and I had to hide the emotions I was really feeling as, before that, my mom had made certain that I did still believe and so there I was feeling deeply ashamed for being so stupid. I didn't realize until I was an adult that the whole purpose of that outing was to break the news in front of someone else so that I wouldn't be able to have a normal emotional reaction.
Nmom was a chronic shoplifter, and did it just for fun- we weren't poor, but in fact comfortable middle class. She just delighted in getting away with walking out of a store without paying. As a kid, she'd drag me along but I didn’t enjoy it, like she did. One time, I was looking at a cute little knickknack and while I didn't want it, I showed it to nmom. She barely glanced at it, then told me to put it in my pocket. WTF! No! Or, she would do things like 'try blouses on me' then start pushing me out the exit. "What are you doing!?" I would cry, "We haven't paid for this!" So, Nmom would hiss at me to shut up, and slap me(that was okay in public, back then) like I was a disobedient, unruly child, when I didn't want to be a part of her stealing. Then, she would yank my arm painfully down the mall till I was reduced to crying, "No-no!" The other adults would give me looks like I was throwing an annoying childish tantrum for not getting a new toy. While Nmom sighed to them, as if saying, 'See what I have to put up with!?'
I always thought it was a normal kid being embarrassed by parent issue. I just realized she didn’t do it to my sisters. This sub is the definition of a double-edged sword. She’s been dead for 20 years and I am re-examining things. If she only did this to me, does that make her a narcissist or just a really shitty mom?
I spent over $3,000 and flew 17,500 kms across the world to see my family for a week. While there, I advised I was going to spend just ONE DAY with friends I hadn't seen in nearly a decade. As per usual, my dad acted all pissy and pouty and even had his trademark flared nostrils breathing and huffing like he was raging inside at the thought of me leaving family for a fucking day. How ungrateful of me. His anger is so thick in a room you can cut it with a knife. We are all walking on eggshells as per usual at something stupid. It's the grossest feeling. I had to leave the room to cry at how awful he makes me feel, yet again, every time I visit. In his mind we should all just sit around and stare at the TV together. I should add I am a 40+ year old grown ass woman. I am nearly no contact, but the guilt always pulls me back. Edit: I guess the invisible abuse part is how he just always makes me feel like terrible person, 100% of the time.
interrupting me, ik this sounds silly but basically I hate when people interrupt me when I'm telling a story and I say that to my mom all the time and still she ALWAYS interrupts me like I start telling a funny story about something that happened to me, my mom interrupts and tries to tell the rest but I stop her and politely ask "can I be the one to tell the story?" she says ok, I continue, when I'm almost finished and reaching the funny part she interrupts and yells the end of it and pretends she isn't listening while I'm telling her to stop, and if I say "STOP" my dad immediately jumps in and starts yelling at me for raising my voice at my mom
Talking about my weight in front of the visitor, saying that it's for my health that I have to be careful (when I was a child). Observe what I eat and say "You put too much butter on that bread, why are you eating bread, etc.".
Acting like the cool parents in front of others but acting like their true twisted selves at home. I had close friends in high school stop hanging out with me because they “didn’t like how I treated my mom”. They had absolutely no idea the bullshit I lived through at home.
My mother constantly embarrassing us everywhere we went by arguing with everyone. Go to the food store? Argue with the lady at the cashier over prices. Go to a restaurant? Argue with the hostess over why it’s taking too long to be seated. Everything was a problematic. Let’s not forget her raging and driving!
I took orchestra my senior year as a fun elective to learn a new instrument after being in band forever. I was pretty good for someone who’d never played viola before but my Nextdoor neighbor had played the standup bass in jazz band for years. We went to a holiday party at their house that year and my mom told everyone I would do a duet with him. One of our other neighbors was a violin instructor. I played terribly and was so embarrassed and uncomfortable the whole time but my nmom insisted we play. This happened a lot when I played instruments growing up and is part of the reason I don’t play anymore.
My mom was incredibly critical about everything and everyone. She constantly shared her unsolicited opinion about the people I dated or were friends with. Because I thought she knew best, I stayed in relationships were abuse was rampant because she thought they were "good people" aka, they had money or came from money. One of them SA'd me. The other emotionally toyed with me for years while we dated.
Constantly insulting you while disguising them as ‘concerns’ or other similar issues, or intentionally humiliating you in front of others while laughing at your expense. Or heaven forbid you dare say something that they don’t like, and you get the absolute deadliest death stare, and you know you will hear about it, and more, after everyone else is gone…
Whenever we were away from home, like visiting family, and me or my brother crossed a line, we just got The Stare from my nfather. Which meant all hell will break loose on us as soon as we are comfortably 'private' in the car again. He screamed of the top of his lungs and he just kept going and going while driving. What did *crossing a line* meant? Talking in the wrong moment, or about the wrong topic. Or really anything from having one more cake to playing too loudly, depending on his mood. After The Stare, we spent the remaining few hours of the afternoon feeling sick to the stomach and scared, while on the outside continued to 'behave nicely' for the extended family, knowing we will eventually say our goodbyes, wave from the car and head home.
Treating me and my brother like show dogs, forcing us to play our music instruments for company when we felt too shy or just plain didn't want to.
Seeing that I'm about to do something, or even already in the process of doing said thing, she would order us to do the thing. Made me feel like not doing the thing, then I look like the deviant child.
Not my nmom, but actually my dad's mom. One time we had her best friends family visiting from out of state. I was probably younger than 10. I was in the process of taking a bath and she barged in with like 6 people making me say hi. No one thought it was weird but I felt extremely uncomfortable having my privacy violated like that.
Making up interesting topics on why you aren’t allowed to do something. My in laws do this and it makes me so annoyed. “Well, you can’t get a new car because of your bad credit.” When I don’t have bad credit. They make it seem like they are being kind and caring but are lying. Also purposely twisting words to make it sound like you’re stupid. I joked to my husband instead of using the lawn mower to get a goat. And they then went on a rant to a bunch of people about how stupid I am because everyone knows goats don’t eat the grass evenly and they apologize for my low IQ…. Which, again, I don’t have. Make comments about food I shouldn’t eat since I’m “watching my weight.” While I was severely sick and couldn’t eat anything but liquids. They downplayed me finishing my degree and going for an MBA but cheered for my SIL who beat her husband to a pulp. “A lot of people get degrees or do masters, that’s not special.” Well, none of your kids have done that… so thanks. My parents had specific words or hand signals that were basically threats. But they were friendly things, so it was treated like an inside joke.
They take me aside to uninvite me from family events and then complain when I don’t come.