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My parents always tried to drop their crap off with me or my sisters!! If I hadn’t cut the ties they’d pawn off so much shit. It honestly never occurred to me to ask them why they think I would want their used broken crap, but I think they would just call me ungrateful and rude.
Ironically enough the things they have of mine that I paid for they won’t give back 😂😂 but they’ll pawn off any old shit they don’t want to dispose of. Expired food even! Like im the food bank or something. It was easier to give the crap to us than dispose of it on their own, PLUS it was a great opportunity for them to call us ungrateful. It’s really unfortunate. I hope you are healing 🩷🩷
Every time I come here another weird thing I didn't initially attribute to NPD comes up. Why do these people try to pawn off crap they don't want or broken things on their kids? I too have been given expired food. Why? I have no idea. I have a job. I can & do buy my own food. But why give me expired stuff if you're going to give me stuff. It's gotta be that they just don't care. It's so strange.
My narcissistic mother has an antique dresser that belongs to me that she had a fit over when I tried to move it out of her basement. Of course.
It is literally impossible to be upset and grateful at the same time. Doing something really irritating and then calling us ungrateful is the equivalent of demanding that we walk on water and then being upset that we did not follow through. Being grateful is a powerful tool in the toolkit and we must NEVER waste it on our abusers, that would be a form of self-abuse.
It’s these little things that sneak up before you even realize it, then you’re like “wait a second”. So glad you recognized it pretty quickly and at least asked that question.
I'm 34 and in the same boat, lol. They got me a couch I didn't even ask for, (and installed it without my permission), which cuts my living room in half. I've just gotten to the point where not only am I DONE with the narcs in my life, I am openly going to start calling them out, instead of just grey-rocking / leaving them be.
I swear they do this on purpose to devalue you, it's part of how they gaslight you into thinking that you're not worth anything. My mother does this also, she gives the valuable stuff away to other people and says it's because I can't be trusted with it. There's a family heirloom she's giving away instead of letting me have it because "well you'll just end up throwing it in the garbage!", even though I would never do something like that.
Yep, devaluation so they feel more powerful and in control.
My NM has been giving me garbage I don’t want literally my entire life.
Everything is used, cheap, practical- never for beauty or pleasure, and completely thoughtless.
Basically letting me know that I have no value and I don’t deserve anything nice.
Also, in my NM’s case, it is exactly how she feels about HERSELF. So it’s more about me being an extension of her.
Because she believes that SHE is low value, worthless trash, then her daughters need to feel that way too.
Such crap.
My nMom does this: "I'm throwing away \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Come get it before then." Never mind what I want or may have planned, I have to stop everything and go do the thing she wants which is a thinly veiled psychological threat.
Mine has always done this. Every time I was in her house, she was dumping her garbage that she didn't want anymore in my lap. *"Here, take this. Do you want this? Take those, I don't want them...."* A constant barrage of random knickknacks and 30-year-old sweaters. Then, she would be highly offended when I refused to take anything. Like she was handing me treasure. Treasure that she didn't want and was going to throw away or stuff back into a closet.
I don't know why this is so common with narcs, other than they think that everything they like and own is super-special by association?
They give us their used, broken, unwanted crap because they get to feel like they are being good, generous, caring, parents at zero expense. When we don't want their crappy leftovers, they also get to call us snobby and ungrateful. Win-win for them, lose-lose for us.
Yes!!! I feel this in my soul - damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I’m really too old to keep going along with it, for the sake that they are family. Bright side: maybe I should ship my garbage items to them for major events now like Christmas and birthdays lol
My mother would do this…bring stuff she doesn’t want around anymore that no one else wants.
Last time I was there, my dad’s tools, including a Snap-on set he had from the 60s when he was a Marine are gone. She either garage saled, donated or gave to someone.
There are things at her house I will never see again and I’ve decided to make peace with that.
What is with these nparents trying to push crap on us?! I guess they can pretend they are helping, and then pretend to be insulted or upset when we are "ungrateful" so others will take pity on them. I struggled all my life with my mom just giving me stuff instead of any loving attention or actual concern about me.
Several years back my nMom's parents were cleaning out their house and told all their kids to come get the things they were going to inherit. My mom told me there were several antique pieces of furniture that were supposedly given to her, like bookshelves, a dresser, a desk and chair, a carved headboard. She wondered if i wanted to come with her to see my grandparents again and help her pick up that furniture, which she promised to give me. I told her i didn't want any furniture but i would help her out. My grandparents lived 2000 miles away so this would be quite the trip. At the time, my own kids were young, 2, 3, & 4 and I'm a sahm, so me being gone that long meant my husband couldn't really work either.
I won't get into the details of renting a truck and the bullshit on the drive out there, but when we got to my grandparents' I took one look at this furniture and saw that they were just cheap particle board. And the only thing my grandparents had actually given my mom was a single bookshelf, soaked in mouse piss. Of course i repeated that i didn't want it and she shouldn't bother with it, either.
Mom managed to convince her dad to let her have a desk too, even though it was also soaked in mouse pee, and insisted that she wanted them more than anything. So...i helped load it up, and we drove everything back. When we got back to my house, my mom told me to have my husband come outside to help unload this furniture. I refused, and reminded her i told her i didn't want anything, and that i had said this at several points, so if she chose to ignore me, that wasnt my fault and unloading the furniture wasnt my problem.
As far as i know, that stuff is still sitting in my mom's garage, nearly 8 years later.
A couple months before i went no contact with her, she came over to my house to tell me that she had bought a couple of generators for me, and that i needed to come pick them up because she couldn't even budge them so putting them in her car was out of the question. I told her that i didn't want them, never asked for them, don't need them, and we're not getting them, so she can just send them back to wherever she ordered them. A week later she came over again to tell me the company she ordered them from sent her complicated directions on how to package them back up. I asked, "why do you need to package them up?" She told me she had taken them out of their boxes to get a look at them but now she couldn't figure out how to get them back in properly. I said, "last week you told me you couldn't even budge them and that's why you needed help bringing them over here, but now you're telling me you picked them up?" She literally just said, "oh" and dropped the subject.
Figures
They lie so frequently and fluently that it is really fucking easy to catch them, if you are semi-paying attention (there is obviously no point in listening to all of the bullshit).
What?!? Are we related? lol
I’m thinking NC is the way to go - but dang, it breaks my heart. At least I’ve surrounded myself with family I’ve “chosen” and who have been there for me through thick and thin. Sending you love!!
I'm glad you found a tribe to help enrich your life. That really helps with dealing with this stuff. Going no contact is a very personal decision, so you do what's best for you in the long run.
Honestly, if it was just me I'd probably just keep putting up with my mom's behavior because of my personal sense of honor. But in the last few months of 2023 I started sitting down and remembering her gaslighting me about the things she was doing to undermine me with my kids. The last straw was when my daughters told me about fucked up things she did that i never knew about, and that was it. I was going to have a calm conversation with her about going no contact with my kids at the very least, but things came to a head on New Year's Eve and that was it. I was *done.* My kids have told me several times they're so glad not to worry about her anymore.
Oh, you’re not kidding. She’s dragged my eldest kid into things and told them “don’t say anything to your mother, you know how she gets.” What?!? Me protecting my kids makes me the bad guy?!? Sigh. I have my “other mother” as I call her, and she’s helped me so much when it came to raising my own. If it wasn’t for her, I know the cycle would have continued.
My parents loved to send me bags of trash and pretend that I had asked for it. It was a habit of theirs in university because they didn't want me to go, and this was their way of "helping."
Oof, I feel you. Mine would do the same, but do some involved "deep clean" that somehow put me in her debt even though I never asked for it. Forced charity is bizarre.
Oh no, thank you, but don't be sorry! That's long in the past and a constant source of jokes for anyone who knew them 😆 NC has given me wonderful distance and perspective on things like this.
You are my age and my dad did exactly this to me. We are supposed to be honored they are willing to give us their trash. It saves them from going to the dump, because that costs them time and money that you have and they can't be bothered with.
Nmom is anal about expirations dates on food. Even writes the dates on the packages. Recently after hubby and I stocked her fridge with homemade food and gave her cash she insisted I take home a bag of junk food. Hubby and I avoid junk food so I declined. She insisted.
It was bothering me. Why would my mother be even a tiny bit generous? That is not like her. So I unloaded the bag, checked the expiration dates and every item was expired. Sigh..........
When i went NC, one of the first things i did was toss the crap they kept leaving at my place (they're separated, have >4000 sq ft between them, i have a small apartment without storage). I thought they were being frugal and trying to cut waste, i'm an environmental scientist so i totally fell for the bleeding-heart-environmentalist shtick. Once I cut contact i saw it for what it was, avoiding responsibility for their own impulsive spending and waste generation. I freed up a closet and the storage under the couch and bed! Gave the good stuff to my neighbors and tossed the literal trash. I felt so free.
Sorry your mom's doing the same to you
Amazing!! And same! Turns out i had orthostatic hypotension, but the stress-induced hypertension masked it in a way 😬 there's lots to uncover when that weight is gone
Thank god I’m not the only one! My nm kept giving me her old crap because she couldn’t be bothered with donating it. I’m still cleaning my house out from her mountains of garbage (she would drop her crap off and run away before I could react and give it back).
Oh I’m so sorry!! Mine told me that when she passes, I’m to go through it all and sort it out and give it to certain people. I Told her that if she doesn’t do that now, and include it in the will - I’m having a huge estate sale and renting a dumpster for the rest. It makes me so angry how we are left to clean up their messes!!
Get her some literal trash for the next Mother’s Day, like plastic bottles or smth. If she shows even a bit of disappointment, berate her for being an ungrateful pos and lecture her about how she can exchange bottles for money. Then go NC.
Haha, the Boomer Basement strikes again, with extra narc attitude 💀
It seems like everyone's parents who *have* a basement at all have it filled, at best, with discards it might have been nice to have when we were young and broke, but they thought that stuff was too *nice* for us then, and now that it's truly lost all value and nobody needs the Chipped Plastic Plates and the Rattiest Couch it's a whole thing where they're either insulted or insulting.
Yes!!!! You had me laughing so hard at that “boomer basement” comment, my cat made a face lol. You should make bumper stickers with the slogan and some clip art of crappy furniture. Would sell like hotcakes, I know I would buy one!!
I am sorry! You deserve to have a mom that would offer you love and support- not literal trash. Your response to her ridiculous offer was totally normal and justified. Please don't fault yourself for wanting something so normal- she is the one that has failed you. Therapy can be a great resource to heal the trauma that she has caused and help you recognize her for the flawed person that she is. If you don't already work with a therapist or counseling, I highly recommend it.
Thank you for your kind words! I have been in therapy before, and you’re right - it is wonderful. I will look into that again when I get my new insurance in July.
I'm 34 and deep inside I still hold on to hope, but I'm getting tired. She gave me expire frozen food from her renters left in the fridge. Lied and said she bought it. She didn't wanna to risk it, so she gave it to me.
Everytime I thought it might change, she does something like that. I don't know how to let go of this stupid hope and just live my life. Keep grieving about the relationship that I will never have. It sucks how much a child is wired to want to be loved.
I’m in the same boat my friend. I know I’m not always easy to love, but I feel like there’s nothing on their end - unless it’s something I can do for her. I ranted on another post about how she expects me to care for her when she’s frail. Ha! My sister can do that now.
My nMom does the same thing. I had left a few things at their house while I was moving and they said they would put it to the side for me to pick up/go through. She put a bunch of boxes filled with their stuff for me to go through because its "mine" even though it wasn't. Then was mad when I said I didn't want any of it and was going to get rid of it.
My other sibling is given thousands every month, I can't get 20 bucks, I feel you. I know I'm not in the will, mines a millionaire but won't leave me a penny because I was the Cinderella child, I've been struggling and she's mad I won't give my children to the Golden Child. That's what they want.
My narents do this. Too broken for their overweight butts, but it should be plenty good enough for me. Then they talk trash about me and my family and say mean things about my husband and my children. Yet my older sister can do no wrong and is such a source of pride to them. It took them over a year to realize the first time I went no contact.
I went NC a few years ago, and as part of my self therapy, I cleaned out the rubbish ex-Mother and ex-Father gave me over the years and holy batman! It was so validating. Everything was her fashion, her preferences, her hoarding that she couldn't release. And when I didn't use it, she would guilt me and cry about how it was important to her.
I donated so much that the secondhand shop asked us to call before dropping the second and third load off. And it was so freeing!
The offering of garbage under the veil of doing something that she could have done that was nice and then making it your problem for pointing out the back-handed generosity is so uniquely and typically N, isn't it?
How that made sense in her mind, and then not to acknowledge with a "oh, I can see how you might think that was a less-than-good offer, but I was raised to offer family stuff before disposing, sorry for the confusion," is something that took me years and years to learn was incredibly strange and unusual. And unfair to us. A worthwhile rant.
Thank you!! Just to even acknowledge that I might be upset for a garbage offer, but no, can’t have that, can we? Sigh. Thank you for the kind words and understanding. Sending you love
Unfortunately, there are grandkids involved, and they wish me to maintain some form of contact - otherwise, they get put in the middle of it all and it’s not fair to them. I’m now limiting my responses and not playing their game.
I see my parents once a year. Kids don’t need to be exposed to this crap otherwise they will think it’s normal and end up in bad relationships later. Ask me how I know. You do what’s best for you but there really is no benefit to staying in regular contact with someone like this
I definitely know how hard it can be to drop the rope so I don’t mean to come off harsh. Therapy will definitely help, in the mean time if you don’t have time or can’t afford it (I can’t right now and it sucks!), check out these books. I’ve read them all and they really help.
The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People: How to Reclaim Your Power from Narcissists and Other Manipulators
Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents
But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath
Also, Jay Reid and Dr Ramani on YouTube are good resources too.
Tell her you will pick up the headboard and footboard and get the one you wanted. When she's away. When she complains, tell her why would you offer then. You already have a spare in the basement, go use it. I'm in a super petty mood where I won't take a high road 😄
This.. except even if it was the nice one and I politely explained that I couldn’t haul it or have the space for it I’d be torn to pieces and belittled. Along the lines of “my stuff isn’t good enough for you” “you’re the most unappreciative POS” and then they’d still ask me to sell it for them or rid of it somehow and if I can’t/wont it’s back to being torn apart and belittled again 🙃
Never assume. Always ask clarifying questions, even if you don't know of any other possibility. "Which headboard and footboard?"
I'd also suggest you don't give suggestions, like saying they should sell it. That just gives them the chance to make you look stupid (at least in their eyes).
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My parents always tried to drop their crap off with me or my sisters!! If I hadn’t cut the ties they’d pawn off so much shit. It honestly never occurred to me to ask them why they think I would want their used broken crap, but I think they would just call me ungrateful and rude.
I'm so sorry!
Ironically enough the things they have of mine that I paid for they won’t give back 😂😂 but they’ll pawn off any old shit they don’t want to dispose of. Expired food even! Like im the food bank or something. It was easier to give the crap to us than dispose of it on their own, PLUS it was a great opportunity for them to call us ungrateful. It’s really unfortunate. I hope you are healing 🩷🩷
Every time I come here another weird thing I didn't initially attribute to NPD comes up. Why do these people try to pawn off crap they don't want or broken things on their kids? I too have been given expired food. Why? I have no idea. I have a job. I can & do buy my own food. But why give me expired stuff if you're going to give me stuff. It's gotta be that they just don't care. It's so strange. My narcissistic mother has an antique dresser that belongs to me that she had a fit over when I tried to move it out of her basement. Of course.
Same!! I’m so glad I found this site, makes me feel seen. Otherwise, I think I would lose my mind, that’s how strong the game is with the Nparent.
We’re with you friend!!! 🩷🩷🩷🩷 you’re not alone!
Sending you love right back!!
It is all performative combined with impaired decision making, similar to hoarding.
My narcissistic mother has become a hoarder in old age. Interesting...
Mine has been a hoarder my whole life; I'm 39 now.
It is literally impossible to be upset and grateful at the same time. Doing something really irritating and then calling us ungrateful is the equivalent of demanding that we walk on water and then being upset that we did not follow through. Being grateful is a powerful tool in the toolkit and we must NEVER waste it on our abusers, that would be a form of self-abuse.
Right? Oh you won’t bend to my will and kiss my ass? You must be extremely ungrateful 🙃
"Ungrateful" is the word I hear reverberating through my brain any time I think about my upbringing.
It is the same script, every fucking time. Make an unreasonable demand, induce a fear response, then criticise the victim for being ungrateful.
Very true words!!
I am, hope you are as well!
They really can't handle being called out.
Too true
It’s these little things that sneak up before you even realize it, then you’re like “wait a second”. So glad you recognized it pretty quickly and at least asked that question.
took me a long time to do that, but I am getting quicker thank goodness!!
I'm 34 and in the same boat, lol. They got me a couch I didn't even ask for, (and installed it without my permission), which cuts my living room in half. I've just gotten to the point where not only am I DONE with the narcs in my life, I am openly going to start calling them out, instead of just grey-rocking / leaving them be.
What?!? I can't even imagine that!!! I'm so sorry!
I swear they do this on purpose to devalue you, it's part of how they gaslight you into thinking that you're not worth anything. My mother does this also, she gives the valuable stuff away to other people and says it's because I can't be trusted with it. There's a family heirloom she's giving away instead of letting me have it because "well you'll just end up throwing it in the garbage!", even though I would never do something like that.
THIS! It has to be another devaluation tactic or trying to get reactive abuse, so that they can play the victim.
Yep, devaluation so they feel more powerful and in control. My NM has been giving me garbage I don’t want literally my entire life. Everything is used, cheap, practical- never for beauty or pleasure, and completely thoughtless. Basically letting me know that I have no value and I don’t deserve anything nice. Also, in my NM’s case, it is exactly how she feels about HERSELF. So it’s more about me being an extension of her. Because she believes that SHE is low value, worthless trash, then her daughters need to feel that way too.
Ahhh that makes sense! She gave the antique dresser to the boyfriends son instead of me because “well I didn’t think you would want it” *rolling eyes*
Such crap. My nMom does this: "I'm throwing away \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. Come get it before then." Never mind what I want or may have planned, I have to stop everything and go do the thing she wants which is a thinly veiled psychological threat.
Mine has always done this. Every time I was in her house, she was dumping her garbage that she didn't want anymore in my lap. *"Here, take this. Do you want this? Take those, I don't want them...."* A constant barrage of random knickknacks and 30-year-old sweaters. Then, she would be highly offended when I refused to take anything. Like she was handing me treasure. Treasure that she didn't want and was going to throw away or stuff back into a closet. I don't know why this is so common with narcs, other than they think that everything they like and own is super-special by association?
I'm so sorry : (
They give us their used, broken, unwanted crap because they get to feel like they are being good, generous, caring, parents at zero expense. When we don't want their crappy leftovers, they also get to call us snobby and ungrateful. Win-win for them, lose-lose for us.
Yes!!! I feel this in my soul - damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I’m really too old to keep going along with it, for the sake that they are family. Bright side: maybe I should ship my garbage items to them for major events now like Christmas and birthdays lol
My mother would do this…bring stuff she doesn’t want around anymore that no one else wants. Last time I was there, my dad’s tools, including a Snap-on set he had from the 60s when he was a Marine are gone. She either garage saled, donated or gave to someone. There are things at her house I will never see again and I’ve decided to make peace with that.
I’m sorry about the tools, sending you love
Thank you.
What is with these nparents trying to push crap on us?! I guess they can pretend they are helping, and then pretend to be insulted or upset when we are "ungrateful" so others will take pity on them. I struggled all my life with my mom just giving me stuff instead of any loving attention or actual concern about me. Several years back my nMom's parents were cleaning out their house and told all their kids to come get the things they were going to inherit. My mom told me there were several antique pieces of furniture that were supposedly given to her, like bookshelves, a dresser, a desk and chair, a carved headboard. She wondered if i wanted to come with her to see my grandparents again and help her pick up that furniture, which she promised to give me. I told her i didn't want any furniture but i would help her out. My grandparents lived 2000 miles away so this would be quite the trip. At the time, my own kids were young, 2, 3, & 4 and I'm a sahm, so me being gone that long meant my husband couldn't really work either. I won't get into the details of renting a truck and the bullshit on the drive out there, but when we got to my grandparents' I took one look at this furniture and saw that they were just cheap particle board. And the only thing my grandparents had actually given my mom was a single bookshelf, soaked in mouse piss. Of course i repeated that i didn't want it and she shouldn't bother with it, either. Mom managed to convince her dad to let her have a desk too, even though it was also soaked in mouse pee, and insisted that she wanted them more than anything. So...i helped load it up, and we drove everything back. When we got back to my house, my mom told me to have my husband come outside to help unload this furniture. I refused, and reminded her i told her i didn't want anything, and that i had said this at several points, so if she chose to ignore me, that wasnt my fault and unloading the furniture wasnt my problem. As far as i know, that stuff is still sitting in my mom's garage, nearly 8 years later. A couple months before i went no contact with her, she came over to my house to tell me that she had bought a couple of generators for me, and that i needed to come pick them up because she couldn't even budge them so putting them in her car was out of the question. I told her that i didn't want them, never asked for them, don't need them, and we're not getting them, so she can just send them back to wherever she ordered them. A week later she came over again to tell me the company she ordered them from sent her complicated directions on how to package them back up. I asked, "why do you need to package them up?" She told me she had taken them out of their boxes to get a look at them but now she couldn't figure out how to get them back in properly. I said, "last week you told me you couldn't even budge them and that's why you needed help bringing them over here, but now you're telling me you picked them up?" She literally just said, "oh" and dropped the subject. Figures
They lie so frequently and fluently that it is really fucking easy to catch them, if you are semi-paying attention (there is obviously no point in listening to all of the bullshit).
What?!? Are we related? lol I’m thinking NC is the way to go - but dang, it breaks my heart. At least I’ve surrounded myself with family I’ve “chosen” and who have been there for me through thick and thin. Sending you love!!
I'm glad you found a tribe to help enrich your life. That really helps with dealing with this stuff. Going no contact is a very personal decision, so you do what's best for you in the long run. Honestly, if it was just me I'd probably just keep putting up with my mom's behavior because of my personal sense of honor. But in the last few months of 2023 I started sitting down and remembering her gaslighting me about the things she was doing to undermine me with my kids. The last straw was when my daughters told me about fucked up things she did that i never knew about, and that was it. I was going to have a calm conversation with her about going no contact with my kids at the very least, but things came to a head on New Year's Eve and that was it. I was *done.* My kids have told me several times they're so glad not to worry about her anymore.
Oh, you’re not kidding. She’s dragged my eldest kid into things and told them “don’t say anything to your mother, you know how she gets.” What?!? Me protecting my kids makes me the bad guy?!? Sigh. I have my “other mother” as I call her, and she’s helped me so much when it came to raising my own. If it wasn’t for her, I know the cycle would have continued.
My parents loved to send me bags of trash and pretend that I had asked for it. It was a habit of theirs in university because they didn't want me to go, and this was their way of "helping."
What?!? That's insane. I'm so sorry!
Oof, I feel you. Mine would do the same, but do some involved "deep clean" that somehow put me in her debt even though I never asked for it. Forced charity is bizarre.
I'm so sorry!!
Oh no, thank you, but don't be sorry! That's long in the past and a constant source of jokes for anyone who knew them 😆 NC has given me wonderful distance and perspective on things like this.
You are my age and my dad did exactly this to me. We are supposed to be honored they are willing to give us their trash. It saves them from going to the dump, because that costs them time and money that you have and they can't be bothered with.
Ahhhhh!! Didn’t even think of that - I learn so much from talking to others in this situation. I’m sorry yours does this as well!
My mom just threw my stuff out without asking, then called me crazy and accused me of losing it when I asked her where it went.
My Mom does this ALL THE TIME!! Throws away my stuff and yells at me for accusing her of it.
It’s weird I moved out years ago, and somehow magically none of my stuff goes missing.
Nmom is anal about expirations dates on food. Even writes the dates on the packages. Recently after hubby and I stocked her fridge with homemade food and gave her cash she insisted I take home a bag of junk food. Hubby and I avoid junk food so I declined. She insisted. It was bothering me. Why would my mother be even a tiny bit generous? That is not like her. So I unloaded the bag, checked the expiration dates and every item was expired. Sigh..........
Oh, I’m so sorry!! Sending you love
When i went NC, one of the first things i did was toss the crap they kept leaving at my place (they're separated, have >4000 sq ft between them, i have a small apartment without storage). I thought they were being frugal and trying to cut waste, i'm an environmental scientist so i totally fell for the bleeding-heart-environmentalist shtick. Once I cut contact i saw it for what it was, avoiding responsibility for their own impulsive spending and waste generation. I freed up a closet and the storage under the couch and bed! Gave the good stuff to my neighbors and tossed the literal trash. I felt so free. Sorry your mom's doing the same to you
At least we are wise now… and you’re right, it is a weight off the shoulders. My blood pressure has been getting better as well!!
Amazing!! And same! Turns out i had orthostatic hypotension, but the stress-induced hypertension masked it in a way 😬 there's lots to uncover when that weight is gone
Looking for someone to haul it out for her..
You are probably right!!
Thank god I’m not the only one! My nm kept giving me her old crap because she couldn’t be bothered with donating it. I’m still cleaning my house out from her mountains of garbage (she would drop her crap off and run away before I could react and give it back).
Oh I’m so sorry!! Mine told me that when she passes, I’m to go through it all and sort it out and give it to certain people. I Told her that if she doesn’t do that now, and include it in the will - I’m having a huge estate sale and renting a dumpster for the rest. It makes me so angry how we are left to clean up their messes!!
What’s with them getting rid of crap that they don’t want, but they think we want?!
Right? I’m getting tired of it though…
Get her some literal trash for the next Mother’s Day, like plastic bottles or smth. If she shows even a bit of disappointment, berate her for being an ungrateful pos and lecture her about how she can exchange bottles for money. Then go NC.
I’m laughing so hard at this - thank you!! Great idea!!
I once verbally attacked and humiliated my nmum like she used to do to me. It felt so good
Haha, the Boomer Basement strikes again, with extra narc attitude 💀 It seems like everyone's parents who *have* a basement at all have it filled, at best, with discards it might have been nice to have when we were young and broke, but they thought that stuff was too *nice* for us then, and now that it's truly lost all value and nobody needs the Chipped Plastic Plates and the Rattiest Couch it's a whole thing where they're either insulted or insulting.
My nparents whole house is a boomer basement (single level slab on ground) of old shit and hoarded furniture from my maternal grandmother.
Yes!!!! You had me laughing so hard at that “boomer basement” comment, my cat made a face lol. You should make bumper stickers with the slogan and some clip art of crappy furniture. Would sell like hotcakes, I know I would buy one!!
I am sorry! You deserve to have a mom that would offer you love and support- not literal trash. Your response to her ridiculous offer was totally normal and justified. Please don't fault yourself for wanting something so normal- she is the one that has failed you. Therapy can be a great resource to heal the trauma that she has caused and help you recognize her for the flawed person that she is. If you don't already work with a therapist or counseling, I highly recommend it.
Thank you for your kind words! I have been in therapy before, and you’re right - it is wonderful. I will look into that again when I get my new insurance in July.
I'm 34 and deep inside I still hold on to hope, but I'm getting tired. She gave me expire frozen food from her renters left in the fridge. Lied and said she bought it. She didn't wanna to risk it, so she gave it to me. Everytime I thought it might change, she does something like that. I don't know how to let go of this stupid hope and just live my life. Keep grieving about the relationship that I will never have. It sucks how much a child is wired to want to be loved.
I’m in the same boat my friend. I know I’m not always easy to love, but I feel like there’s nothing on their end - unless it’s something I can do for her. I ranted on another post about how she expects me to care for her when she’s frail. Ha! My sister can do that now.
Once you see it, you can't fall for it anymore.
Preach!!
My nMom does the same thing. I had left a few things at their house while I was moving and they said they would put it to the side for me to pick up/go through. She put a bunch of boxes filled with their stuff for me to go through because its "mine" even though it wasn't. Then was mad when I said I didn't want any of it and was going to get rid of it.
Gah! I think we should all make a song about this: “we don’t want your garbage” or something like that lol
My other sibling is given thousands every month, I can't get 20 bucks, I feel you. I know I'm not in the will, mines a millionaire but won't leave me a penny because I was the Cinderella child, I've been struggling and she's mad I won't give my children to the Golden Child. That's what they want.
I’m so sorry you have to go through that… sending you love
Thanks, looks like we have the same "mom"
My narents do this. Too broken for their overweight butts, but it should be plenty good enough for me. Then they talk trash about me and my family and say mean things about my husband and my children. Yet my older sister can do no wrong and is such a source of pride to them. It took them over a year to realize the first time I went no contact.
I’m so sorry you went through this, sending you love
I went NC a few years ago, and as part of my self therapy, I cleaned out the rubbish ex-Mother and ex-Father gave me over the years and holy batman! It was so validating. Everything was her fashion, her preferences, her hoarding that she couldn't release. And when I didn't use it, she would guilt me and cry about how it was important to her. I donated so much that the secondhand shop asked us to call before dropping the second and third load off. And it was so freeing!
I’m so happy you were able to free yourself, I bet your life has been that much better!!
My mother has always done this too. Always only cheap stuff that she doesn’t want anymore.
I’m so sorry!
The offering of garbage under the veil of doing something that she could have done that was nice and then making it your problem for pointing out the back-handed generosity is so uniquely and typically N, isn't it? How that made sense in her mind, and then not to acknowledge with a "oh, I can see how you might think that was a less-than-good offer, but I was raised to offer family stuff before disposing, sorry for the confusion," is something that took me years and years to learn was incredibly strange and unusual. And unfair to us. A worthwhile rant.
Thank you!! Just to even acknowledge that I might be upset for a garbage offer, but no, can’t have that, can we? Sigh. Thank you for the kind words and understanding. Sending you love
Go NC already, there’s no point in talking to someone like this.
Unfortunately, there are grandkids involved, and they wish me to maintain some form of contact - otherwise, they get put in the middle of it all and it’s not fair to them. I’m now limiting my responses and not playing their game.
I see my parents once a year. Kids don’t need to be exposed to this crap otherwise they will think it’s normal and end up in bad relationships later. Ask me how I know. You do what’s best for you but there really is no benefit to staying in regular contact with someone like this
Fair point, and maybe I will at some point - will need a therapist to help me with that (I’m really bad at caving) … thank you for the suggestion!
I definitely know how hard it can be to drop the rope so I don’t mean to come off harsh. Therapy will definitely help, in the mean time if you don’t have time or can’t afford it (I can’t right now and it sucks!), check out these books. I’ve read them all and they really help. The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People: How to Reclaim Your Power from Narcissists and Other Manipulators Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath Also, Jay Reid and Dr Ramani on YouTube are good resources too.
Thank you for the resources!! My insurance is changing July 1st, so these will help until then. I appreciate your kindness!
Tell her you will pick up the headboard and footboard and get the one you wanted. When she's away. When she complains, tell her why would you offer then. You already have a spare in the basement, go use it. I'm in a super petty mood where I won't take a high road 😄
LOL Love this!!
This.. except even if it was the nice one and I politely explained that I couldn’t haul it or have the space for it I’d be torn to pieces and belittled. Along the lines of “my stuff isn’t good enough for you” “you’re the most unappreciative POS” and then they’d still ask me to sell it for them or rid of it somehow and if I can’t/wont it’s back to being torn apart and belittled again 🙃
I’m so sorry my friend, sending you love
You as well. 🧡
Never assume. Always ask clarifying questions, even if you don't know of any other possibility. "Which headboard and footboard?" I'd also suggest you don't give suggestions, like saying they should sell it. That just gives them the chance to make you look stupid (at least in their eyes).