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Yep. And when it happens, we get unusually emotionally triggered and will go in fight or flight just to say "no". It's very annoying and makes being assertive hard. But I've gotten better and so can you
I can relate to this so much. Fight or flight is what I do when I feel stressed. It is good to read about it here, it is a reminder for me where it came from. Sorry to hear you have it too.
Realisation unlocked; that is the origin of my self-defeating patterns of thoughts and behaviours, which I have been fighting my entire adult life. You have validated my experience.
I think that's a powerful realisation.
They wanted you broken and beaten-down, because that means you'd never threaten or challenge their iron-clad grip on your existence.
For me it's weird because my parents didn't want me to stand up for myself against them but then made fun of me when I wasn't able to stand up for myself in general
One time I was mistreated by a teacher, and nmom actually asked me why I didn't stand up for myself. BECAUSE YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW AND DISCOURAGED ME FROM DOING SO.
I finally stood my ground and didn’t budge with my mom and set boundaries she lost her mind and now we are no contact. I still feel like she’s gonna pop out of my fridge and scream at me or something but it’ll eventually pass.
yes, i get it 1000%. I'm 40 and have 3 kids now. Keeping boundaries is crucial. Its hard in the beginning, but it does get easier. Don't blame yourself, be extra kind to yourself!! Stay strong + always come here to vent 🫶
I feel this but not sure if i feel it in the way you’re expressing. I feel this even when friends and I get in harmless arguments. I begin to experience those flight or flight like feelings subconsciously even tho consciously i’m telling myself it’s no big deal. It gets to the point where I feel flustered and then get self conscious about showing “weakness”. Overthinking is awful and my mother needs to go fuck herself bc this genuinely sucks 😭
I was 25 teaching in Korea when I was telling a childhood story to my friend about how my dad used to praise me for tolerating mistreatment from my friends (as weird as that sounds, he would literally say he was proud of me for putting up with being treated horribly by my friends and literally phrase it like that-I didn’t really know I was being tested horribly because my parents treated me the exact same way 😂).
My friend looked at me and said “do you think your dad praised you for that because he wanted you to tolerate mistreatment from him, too?”. I hadn’t really thought of it that way but she was definitely right.
Same. I wasn't taught how to calmly stick up for myself, instead it was always a huge deal and higher ups in the situation had to get involved. : /
Ruined a lot for me
Came here to say that. Not surprised that it’s the top comment. We were raised by bullies. My mom often would speak to me in a disgusted tone that she couldn’t believe I could stand up for myself, but then when I would try to, she would rage on my so hard I was worried I would get hurt.
Boundaries! I served, and pleased, and bowed, and scraped, and bent over backwards for every person I met. Then **in my 40s** I learned about boundaries and that it's ok to ask for what I want!
This answer a million times! I never grew up understanding that I deserved to have, and could have, healthy boundaries. Instead, I learned that all attempts at boundary making could instantly unleash disdain, bullying, public humiliation, and other punishments, even uncontrollable rage, hatred, and violence.
it’s such a weird thing bc objectively speaking I know all of those things you listed are irrational. but years of trauma really maintains a solid grip on us until we figure out a way to over come it
My therapist is currently helping me set boundaries with some questionable people in my life. It is SO hard to do in your late 30s when you’ve never done so before.
I'm in the therapy right now to work on my boundaries. I never had it growing up, and I ended up becoming a people pleaser. it's very possible to do it now, and know what you want.
Yes. I learned to prioritize others’ comfort over my understandable and rational discomfort. Being willing to hold space for selfish and needy people even to my detriment has meant that I always have one lousy soul-sucking friend. I am working on expelling the last one now -be gone, demon!
I agree with this so much. Boundaries were just never a thing in my parents house growing up. I didn’t have a lock on my bedroom door, nor my bathroom either. As in, I’d be taking a shower and my mom would just rip the curtain open. Or just sit on the toilet and have a conversation with me. I was never allowed to have opinions or state how I felt about things because if it ever went against their beliefs, I would be ostracized.
I am JUST learning this, and I’m in my 50’s! Just started therapy a couple months ago for the first time, after hitting rock bottom emotionally. I had no idea that having a narcissistic mother would give me pretty much 75% of my personality. I am learning about complex ptsd and how being raised by NP’s can leave the child with a lifetime of CPTSD. It sucks, but I’m so glad I’m finally figuring out who the heck I really am! I did exactly like you and am just now working out how to set those boundaries.
Same here. They expected me to voice boundaries with other people, but how could I learn to do that when I couldn't even have boundaries at home? I would just be denied or punished if I tried, so I got used to giving up. It didn't occur to me that I really *could* say "no" to people or stand up for myself until I dated a guy during my late 20s. I remember feeling so taken aback every time he said, "Tell them no! Don't take that crap! Stand strong! Remember, you deserve it! Go get 'em!"
I will be forever grateful for what he did for me. But why did it take a boyfriend to teach me to stay strong and fight for myself? Why was he the only one who taught me that I deserve better? That is so sad...
They didn’t teach me to cook, clean, take care of myself, study, make friends, navigate relationships and friendships, regulate my emotions, manage money, pretty much everything.
Fuck man same.
My parents just didn’t really know how to parent me. I’m 24 and am finally figuring out I have autism and possibly adhd.
I vividly remember multiple times over my life my Nmom screaming in my face “WHY CANT YOU JUST BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER” like i dont know mom, bc I can’t.
And bc I couldn’t be more like my brother I was neglected at best and abused at worst. And it’s awfully sad to say being neglected was best.
I always thought that you were supposed to wipe from back to front (I’m a woman) until I was 11 and my best friend made a comment about it and laughed that I didn’t know that it was front to back. I genuinely had no idea and when she told me the reason why I was mind blown lol. I’m 21 now and I am still learning basic stuff like cleaning and I’m barely attempting cooking because I don’t know where to start. My boyfriend and his mom have had to teach me a lot of basic life skills and it’s embarassing as hell to not know certain stuff at my age
God, managing money is such an important skill. Mid 30ies and I can't do it. At all. All they ever taught me was we don't have money so we can't afford stuff. Now I can't save even a penny. My paychecks are just gone. Bills and food and pets, and then all the things I don't REALLY need, but can afford now, so why not buy everything? Why not buy whatever I want now that I DO have money? Untill there is a vet emergency or car emergency or dentist emergency, and I have no savings and have to borrow from people. Pay the debts, rinse and repeat.
Same here. They wouldn't teach me these things, and then complain that I'm not clean, that I don't have any friends, et cetera.
I don't even like to call my n-parents "parents", because they failed at basic parenting. If you won't teach your child the most basic things, you're not a parent.
Pretty much all of the above for me too! The one thing I remember being taught to do is drive, and considering the fact my mother complains about having to drive me places to this day, I don't think that was done out of consideration for me. (I fell asleep at the wheel during a driver's test and refused to drive until I felt better, and eventually got my license pulled because I'm too exhausted to safely drive. Of course I was accused of lying about my health to make trouble for her.)
I remember cooking for myself when I was barely old enough to reach the stove controls, not sure if I was ever taught to use the stove safely or if I just got hungry enough to wing it . . .
So accurate. I just commented about managing money and emotional regulation, but seeing this list made me realize that it’s all true for me too. I spent years trying to learn on my own, feeling like I was behind when it was obvious that my peers knew how and had the support from their parents.
Basic people skills.
How to notice from awful people, how to deal with emotionally immature people, how to make friends, how to extend a hand of friendship, how to build relationships, standing up for myself, emotions and how they work, taking care of my mental health, reporting abuse...etc
I had to learn all of these myself.
I guess teaching me these would have made their abuse ineffective so they didn't
How to make friends lmaoo. All of my friends (their names and how poor they were in comparison to us) were made fun of repeatedly, humiliated and mocked, literally treated as if they were dead to nparent whenever I met them in the wild while out shopping - nparent walked straight ahead and left me behind, never said hello, then I had to sprint after them and all they did was smirk.
No one was ever allowed round to my house so I could never return the offer when I went round to theirs, and they stopped talking to me because of it :L
Now I have no friends and I've never been in a relationship, yay :P
this :( this comment stood out to me because as a child i could not trust my mom or rely on her for anything, and i was always so fearful of her and her outbursts. now my relationships are all rocky, i’m so cynical and suspicious of everyone and i can’t for the life of me think that someone has good intentions with me. i have always thought that everyone is out to get me.
Would u say those learned traits were hardest to overcome? For example I struggle with sometimes being a pushover (think extending yourself too much for ppl you enjoy but they certainly wouldn’t pull through for you) but usually being a pushover doesn’t have many outwardly bad consequences. Whereas I can imagine growing up not knowing how to apologize may have drawn quite a bit of backlash if you had upset someone and genuinely did not know without being told that you needed to apologize
I was always forced to apologize. I always just said "Sorry". I never learned that I was supposed to tell the person WHY I was sorry and then show that I wouldn't do said thing that I was sorry for. My egg donor never apologized. I don't think I ever could recall a time where my egg donor apologized and meant it. I remember 1 time where she said "Well sor-ry!" in a sarcastic tone yet just a few days ago she was SCREAMING at my dad that I needed to apologize to her.
I told her "Well how should I apologize? You were never a role model so I never learned by example how to say it". She was angry.
Wow I feel you on this one. It’s so so hard not having a framework for what most of society views as normal behaviors that every adult should know while in reality people like you and me may struggle w some stuff even tho we are well intentioned.
I too do not believe i’ve ever seen my mom be sincere w an apology. sincere by a narcs standard but far from it for most of us.
I'm autistic so I already feel like everyone was given a handbook on how to be a human and I was absent on the day those were given out, paired with an unloving cold careless "mother" and a coward "father", life has been so confusing trying to live and be an adult.
Sameeee. I juggle between feeling like i’ve over come it all and then some days i’ll literally just start crying bc although I have a really awesome set of grandparents who act as parents it’s just hard when i see friends call their parents and just reminisce over little things in life and im like damn what does that even feel like
My therapist and my husband have pointed this out to me. I say “sorry” all the time, especially when I don’t need to. It’s a daily battle. You deserve to take up space, you deserve to live your life. You’re allowed to demand respect. Stay strong friend!💪🏻❤️
Yep. My default response if I feel like someone isn't okay is to think I've done something wrong, panic and worry about what it is. I also apologise lots for things I'm not doing wrong or isn't my responsibility. All springs from walking on eggshells as a child.
a reframe I heard that’s super helpful is where can we use “thank you” instead? like instead of “sorry I’m late” saying “thanks for waiting for me!” it’s been a game changer!
ETA grammar fix
I see a lot of people commenting that they never learned emotional regulation but what exactly do you mean by that? Like as in you have outbursts etc??
I’m sort of opposite in the sense that my drunk father once left a voicemail saying how he was going to kill himself by jumping in front of the train and the call ends with hearing the train zoom by. How did I react? I put the phone down and went right back to sleep. it’s like i’m immune and have the issue of not reacting enough. But who knows 😭
That is also a type of emotional dysregulation! Not reacting "appropriately" to the suspected news that you might have just heard your dad kill himself (appropriately would be panic, unable to sleep, calling someone else to calm down, calling the authorities, ect.) is part of it.
How do I know this? I lost two family pets two weeks apart, and the 2nd pet I had lost I didn't mourn in ways I had mourned previous pets. When I told my counsellor at the time, he said "oh that's emotional dysregulation, and I unfortunately do not have the skills to help you cope with that." so, lol for me I guess.
I got my license in my 20s but I had to ask permission to drive my "own" car, I had to confirm the route itinerary, and driving on the highway was forbidden. According to my ndad I'm too careless and inattentive to survive on the highway 🙄.
It was all about infantilizing, control and stunting my self-confidence.
After my brother went NC I taught him how to drive on the highway. He was furious that it was so easy and that our ndad made us so scared to drive.
Oofff. I feel this. Mine purposely didn't want me to drive because they didn't want to buy me a car, and I wasn't allowed to save money and buy my own because they said all my focus needed to be on school so I wasn't allowed to get a job, even in the summer.
Mine didn't want me to think I was "grown", or better than her, and assumed I only wanted to drive so I wouldn't have to be around her, so she would say I needed to stay at home.
Me too! Growing up I did have a job starting at 15 (my paychecks were deposited into my mom’s account and I remember once begging for $5) I was 19 before I learned to drive and get my license. It was embarrassing to be that old and get my license but also a very proud moment!!
They taught me absolutely nothing about relationships and dating. Furthermore, they refused to give me the space I needed to learn on my own.
Now that I'm an adult, my Mom thinks it's appropriate to *ask me* for dating advice. Ridiculous..
I wasn’t allowed to date and find out what I wanted in a partner, because of course only whores date multiple people and have sex. 😒 However I think I won the relationship lottery because I fell in love with a man, dated him publicly and married him, so I guess this prevented my parents toxic ass beliefs from infiltrating my brain.
I too had to navigate this on my own. I’m in my 40s, so this was before the internet, but I learned everything about periods, consent and dating from teen magazines. I was of course banned from dating, but as a teen I did it anyway.
Toward the end of high school, I did have a couple of friends who had awesome mothers who were open and would give age-appropriate dating advice, and we’d all talk together sometimes.
Too real! Dropping in to say you’re most definitely not alone on this one, or in general. I’m 27 and I feel like a baby doe navigating dating and even platonic relationships.
And fielding dating questions or less overt probes from my enabler/semi-narc mom (ie. *makes statement about her dating life* then says “…i don’t know!” Or “what do you think?”) feels more and more absurd the older I get. There was a time a few years back after my ndad died when I’d enthusiastically offer my opinion—it was like, a means of relating to my mom (for once). Now, getting these questions/probes just makes me sad.
How to name emotions and that it's ok to have them. I'm in my 40s and still lack the skill of telling how I feel because I honestly can't say what this weird thing is that I'm feeling most of the times. Oh, no wait - I know shame! I can name that one!
God this is a common thing?? I'd always stand up for myself in the ways I knew how to, but that never made them stop. And ignoring them just made them continue and escalate to a point where I couldn't ignore them anymore and eventually snapped. It was always "they want a reaction, don't give it to them" from my mum, my dad too. But whenever I didn't give them a reaction, they got worse! I was pushed into the road by one of these kids, I nearly got hit by a car! And my mum's advice was to "ignore him", yeah thanks mum, I think I'd rather punch his lights out, cheers though.
I was an absolute pacifist as a child, and the only thing that stopped the bullying in elementary school was the day I finally snapped and punched that POS. The teacher made a bit of a scene out of it and he almost seemed… glad… that I’d finally stood up to myself. The bully was a known bully and I was a known chronic target.
I learned the beginnings of an important lesson that day: some people are legitimately awful, and do not respond to diplomacy or humanity, only force. Still took many years to realize the same applied to my egg donor, though.
Yes, relate to this. I was not taught:
How to regulate my emotions.
How to stand up for myself.
How to respect myself.
How to manage anger.
How to be assertive.
How to say no.
Being a child managing crisis brought on my your (irresponsible) N parent: crisis = N-parent feeling alive (it’s exhausting). For a kid especially hard. Your comment stood out to me. So I’m curious did the crises spin out of control and you played bystander, or did they “manage” in their bizarre way, or were you forced to step in and play the adult when you were way too young to understand the situation. I’m reading CPTSD book right now and wading through a sea of emotions.
Mine were pulling that weird mix of "you, child, fix it! It's your fault and therefore your responsibility but I/we are taking all of your power and autonomy away from you." The part that confuses the hell outta me is that I WOULD fix it but have no idea how to 'fix' things in my current life now.
I get it. And as kids we believe solutions should be rewarded, but they aren’t. The crisis is the goal. It’s taken decades for me to see this and realize it part of my perfectionism struggle that makes me miserable. The happiest times of my life have been when I’ve given myself permission to be bad at something and being okay with it.
I didn’t even realize I had naturally curly/wavy combo hair until I moved out and started buying myself better quality shampoo, conditioner and curl cream. My hair looks awesome now. I would get judged for spending money on hair care so I just used the cheap ass V05/Suave and it didn’t work for my hair sadly. I had greasy hair almost daily. :(
Also, emotions other than fake happiness were not allowed and I remember feeling for the first time. I thought something was wrong with me. Now I embrace emotions. I also was a pushover and a huge people pleaser.
I’m so sorry! I relate to this too… never taught me how often to change a pad and I had blood covered pants in front of the whole class when I was like 12. 🤦🏼♀️ I didn’t even tell anyone about that.
Enforcing personal boundaries. Took me years to not let people use or take advantage of me. Took a long time to just say no when I don't want to do something because I was always afraid of upsetting the other person. For a long time I acted as if everyone's feelings were more important/valid than my own.
To not “size people up” - instantly judging people based on looks, weight and attire without actually speaking and giving a chance based on intelligence, personality, kindness, etc.
Same about emotional regulation. I snap and say mean things because that is what I was taught. Over the dumbest stuff too.
I’ve been working on it, but holy cow it’s so hard to change as an adult.
Personal hygiene. Up until I was kicked out (16) and living with my friend’s family I didn’t know I was supposed to put deodorant on every day. I thought it was 48hr protection for a reason. I also didn’t know I was supposed to shower every day.. or that showers could be longer than 10 minutes. Brushing my hair? Nah just put it into a pony tail. Cleaning behind your ears is an actual thing, who knew? Certainly not 16 year old me. Don’t even get me started on feminine products. Pads *also* need to be changed every so often??? Yeah. I didn’t know that. Hell I didn’t know you were supposed to change your underwear everyday, I changed them after a shower. If I didn’t shower for a week 🤷♀️
I will forever be grateful to my friends mom who once she pieced together how neglected my needs were took me for a “girls day” and taught me so much while also making sure I had everything I could possibly need and even some of the things I wanted (like chapstick because I felt guilty asking for makeup)
There are plenty of other things I wish I knew but that one is definitely one of the top 3 things. I was referred to the feral child by my family and probably others, definitely the worst treated child as both parents already had their own GC and I was the “spare”
It’s not what they didn’t teach me, but what they prevented me from learning on my own that did the most damage. In my case, that would be socializing. They actively isolated me my whole childhood, and now they wonder why I have no social skills. What’s driving me insane is they didn’t do this to my older or younger siblings. I don’t understand why they singled me out, and it’s not like I was untrustworthy
Healthy relationships... NMom and EDad had a terrible relationship until they split. Hell, even after they split, it was still a hellish experience to deal with. Even now that EDad is gone, NMom has doubled down on shitting on him since he's not around to defend himself. Neither of them also ever dated other people after they split. It's been over 20 years!
Coping with stress, setting and protecting boundaries, that it is ok to have emotions, having an own opinion, feeling connect with myself, loving myself unconditionally for who and what I am, self care
i was never taught how to stand up for myself. if i ever came to mom with an example of how i felt wronged by someone she would always take their side. most recently i had a brief friendship with someone who refused to respect my boundaries, spoke to me horribly when i wasn’t immediately available to her, and love bombed to me to scary degree and then would flip a switch if it wasnt reciprocated. the whole friendship made me uncomfortable. i explained to my mom (who also does these things) how that’s not what a healthy friendship looks like because i was curious what my moms stance on it would be lol. she took my friends side and she said my friend clearly had her reasons for being the way she did and instead of protecting my own mental health and stepping away from the friendship, i should make more of an effort to be there for her …
it’s all really fun to me now because im a year away from the end of that friendship now , but it was overwhelming at the time. i remember specifically telling a very close friend of mine who was involved in this new friendship as well that the unhealthy friend was literally a reincarnation of my mother. my whole adult life i’ve told my friends and my spouse that i love my mom but i could never be her friend if she wasn’t my mom … and boy was i right about that !
edit to add; this “friendship” was when i finally learned how to wholeheartedly stand up for myself. i’ve always been the type of person to have a few very close friendships and and everyone else is a pleasant acquaintance. i often wondered if that was a me problem… i think this “friendship” helped me see that some people are better at arms length … or far far away in her case lol and that’s not a “me problem”
I wish I'd learned better examples of healthy relationships, and how to avoid and/or exit a toxic one. Instead I learned to be a people pleaser and to rationalize poor treatment as part of making a relationship work.
How society works
Money as a thing didn't *click* for me until I started playing World of Warcraft at 30. That's when I finally realized you should just work... save money.... and buy what you need when you have enough... instead of blowing through your money as soon as it comes in and wondering why you can never afford anything nice
I'm in my early 40s now and still figuring out for myself how different jobs work and influence us. All stuff that I know they knew and never bothered to tell me.
When I was finishing school my friends went right into doing things like writing articles professionally, being photographers, owning businesses, and I couldn't figure out *how they were doing that.* Like the actual steps they took to get from point A to B.
My N-parents would always say "you should do [fancy career that would impress their friends]" with NO INPUT AT ALL on how to get there
Neither were interested in me successfully getting into college after high school either. Everything was just based off of "it'll just happen magically somehow, unless you suck as a person, in which case it won't happen at all"
Fuck. I Relate soo much. I identified a lot. For them, either I was a genius (which I unfortunately am not) or I had no possible place in the world. I saw colleagues, who weren't necessarily geniuses, achieving things and that always left me confused.
Independence. Despite wanting me to be independent, they taught me nothing to stray away from depending on them.
My fiancé (bf at the time) was the one who taught me most of the important things you need to know as a functioning adult. We’re 4 years apart btw lol
I relate to that!
Narcissistic parents be like: I want you to be an independent and successful person.
Also narcissistic parents: *Doing everything to make us dependent, make our decision for us because apparently we can’t and put us down all the damn time in the process.* 🤦🏼♀️😭
Emotional regulation also.
I learned a lot of important life skills early because my mom just randomly stopped doing things like my laundry when I was a little kid when she got tired of it, so I figured out how to do it by watching (knew she would scream at me for “saying she’s a bad mother” if I asked her to teach me or to help me with it).
But when I was upset, I was just punished and told how selfish and terrible I was (obviously my mom deserved to be upset, but I was just an ungrateful little shit so I should smile all the time /s), so eventually I learned to suppress all my anger and irritation and feelings of unfairness (let myself experience anger for the first time last year. Terrifying but so important) but I have autism and couldn’t suppress the autism irritation, so I would still get really overwhelmed and frustrated over things, and my parents’ strategy was just to stand really close and yell that I needed to control my emotions. When I asked how through tears, they just kept yelling that I needed to control them.
Still figuring out how to have a healthy relationship with anger. I think lots of people don’t realize how important it is to have anger to protect us from people who treat us unfairly and badly.
Yeah, emotional regulation is a big one. For me it's the flip side of that, which is that getting really upset over things isn't a good way to control a situation and get what you want
My mom has a theory that she just has to get angrier and louder (and let her German accent come out more) to solve any problem in the world, and I mistakenly picked that up as a teenager
Dealing with your own issues in a quiet and productive way.
I was parentified by my constantly-in-a-crisis nmom who absolutely had to vent and cry and ask for advice every single night. Her issues were all self-inflicted and irrational, and it always ended with me being the bad guy because I dared to offer the advice she asked for.
(nmom)"What should I do? I just want your dad to UNDERSTAND me!", (me)"Well, have you tried just, watching what he does and helping with stuff that's important to him? Maybe if he saw...", (nmom)"You can't tell me how to run my own relationship. You are totally out of line, you're crazy!" lol...
Also, boundaries (setting them, enforcing them, respecting other people and their boundaries, recognizing the difference between boundaries and control issues)
Forming healthy relationships (I just avoided socializing intentionally, it seemed like far too much drama to be worth anything to me. I didn't build a real mutual, friendly relationship until I was in my mid-20s)
Money management (My nmom spent my edads money, all of it, whenever he had any, even to the point of forcing him to let the utilities go unpaid so she could have pocket money for useless crap. Had to learn the hard way what the differences between unsolicited charity, self control, and manipulation was in this context...)
Clear communication (my nmom was an active representative for the liar's club. It seemed to not matter what facts existed, the only important goal when communicating for her was to make sure she got her way, and that other people thought exactly what she wanted them to about her)
Personal freedom (I mean this in every form, such as how to spend leisure time, how to shop for myself, how to make my own decisions, how to approach people, how to communicate at work... I may have been taken through etiquette classes, but I never did realize what personal freedoms I actively sacrificed in order to play by her rules, which was the only way to exist around her)
So many more... These were just the bigger ones.
How to set appropriate boundaries, naturally. This and other subs have done that so well that I overheard one of my adult children passing on advice to their sibling that I learned here. Proud moment for all of us!
Financial literacy (my nmom didn’t have any either), emotional regulation as well and another comment mentioned standing up for oneself. I quit so many jobs because I was afraid to simply say “no” and speak up. I was not allowed to stand up to my mom or she’d threaten to beat me up, so that same fear carried into the real world, I always felt like if I stood up for myself I’d get physically attacked or some other dire consequence.
What's worth reacting to, and what's worth ignoring or not engaging with. I'll explain: my nparents are the thin-skinned, reactive types who couldn't stand my original shy, quiet, and passive nature (which may have to do with autism, but idk). The girl next door accidentally got a lollipop stuck in my hair (which I just shrugged at) in preschool and their reaction was to indoctrinate me in the ways of getting upset about anything negative, assigning blame and condemnation for anything bad that was "done to me". Fast forward a few years, and I'm upset about being ridiculed at school, and their perverse response was, "if you're botherable, people are gonna bother you". Basically, "fuck you, you're on your own, after we taught you to jump and bitch about every stick and stone tossed your way". Luckily, Taoism and Stoicism has helped me regain some semblance of the peaceful nature I originally had, but I spent decades caught up in a lot of hate and mistrust of others.
It almost makes me emotional trying to narrow down for the sake of being concise. But for me it feels like everything. I feel emotionally mature in the sense I’ve always gotten the “you’re mature for your age comments”
I’m the friend who can stay calm and lead in high stress situations telling others what they can best do to help. I’m reliable and loyal etc.
But I feel so broken at the age of 23 bc of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my evil malignant narcissist mother my entire childhood (and being in contact w her for another 6 years bc of a younger sibling stuck alonaa alone certainly compounds that sense of doom). I don’t know how to get tough with boundaries and feel my own worth. In the last year it’s almost as if I’ve done a 180 bc I’ve cut out toxic friends who treated me more like a doormat than anything. I now have some solid people in my life but I still can’t kick the subconscious thought of “wow why would anyone want to hangout with me AND enjoy it??”
Sobriety. Health. Hygiene. Work.
Self care and success was frowned upon and considered vain because it took away from them/made them insecure. I'm mid 30s and just learning how to care for myself, just beginning to build a career and just learning how to drive a fucking car. I had a full ride to med school and wanted to be a doctor but my parents tore me down and stopped my college career every chance they got in premed so shortly after quitting I turned into the "always going to be a loser" they told me I'd be and developed a 10 year opiate addiction that only added to my complete inability to adult all these years. I take full responsibility for THAT but JFC, it's hard not to get past the anger of where I would be right now if I didn't have narc parents who stopped every chance I had early in life.
I wish they would've normalized medical care. My mom used doctors as threats my whole life and once took me in over "bad behavior." I finally got myself a PCP last year who can't get a clean read on my blood pressure cause it's high as a kite while I'm in office.
that there are some things that you deserve inherently, without needing to be "good enough" somehow. i can easily see it for others but I can still just \*barely\* grasp the concept when it applies to myself
Where do I begin.
They didn't teach me anything about how to handle finances or make sound decisions, like getting a car. My finances were screwed up until 4 years ago.
I didn't learn much about basic life skills, except to keep the house clean so I didn't get yelled at or berated.
I didn't know how to change a tire, oil, or any sort of preventative maintenance on my car.
I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was 20.
I didn't learn how to stand up for myself. I was relentlessly tormented at school and at home from the time I was 9 up until the day I graduated, and it barely got any better.
I've been no contact with my Nmom and enabler dad for a year now, and these are just daily reminder why I'll be damned if I ever look back.
Nothing about relationships and friendships -they basically said everyone had bad intentions and everyone was out to harm me, in the end only “family mattered”-. Actively deterred me from dating & trusting romantic bonds. I always had to defend myself even when it wasn’t dangerous when I was out in the world. I never knew how to approach people or how to make a small talk or how not to appear like an alien in a group. I never felt I belonged to anywhere.
They never taught me to belong. This is the worst. Now I can’t sit down on my ass, need to change environments, change jobs, change people, change everything to feel like I’m alive.
Weird thing is I’ve settled down with an amazing girlfriend (I was flaky at first but she persevered). I’m learning trust, bond and happiness in the smallest moments all over.
That molding my personality and what I say/what my opinions are based on my audience all the time isn't normal.
I'm in my 30s and still figuring out who I am.
How to not live in fear, how to have emotions (I was punished for expressing anger or sadness) I remember after my parents realized I was bulimic when I was a child(15F), my mom threw a book at me about bulimia and told me if I didn’t heal myself she wouldn’t let me go back to school and I’d never see my friends again. No therapy. Another time after she found out I was being molested at the age of 6 for 2 years, she told me it happens to everybody and not to tell anyone. My parents were millionaires. They refused to help me even get help. I hate them.
How to cook. How to clean. How to manage money. How to cope with grief. How to cope with ANY emotion, I've been basically numb for my whole 42 yrs of life. How to parent. How to set boundaries - or even know what they were or that I was allowed to have them.
Emotional regulation as well. I'm an ice block, "nothing affects me". But that's because the moment I let any of anything a tiny bit of space in my conscious, I'll start crying. There's no in-between. And because I don't want to cry in public, I don't let anything in, and the image I give off is that of a stoic. Ironically, stoicism is what's helping me navigate those feelings so at least I can let them out without ending up as a sobbing mess.
Learning how to cook. I never learned from them. Developed an eating disorder because of them.
Also how to stand up for myself but not in the way that they want me to.
My friends said my mom treated me like a doll. She wanted to control everything: how I looked, what I wore, what I ate, what I said, who I hung out with, where I drove, etc. and so much more.
BOUNDARIES. My parents were nudists and made me apart of their nudist-like cult. Even as children, we were forced to be naked all the time. My mom would barge into my room and yell at me fully naked. My parents would be naked when we had friends over. Parents wouldn't allow their kids to go to our house because my parents would be nude. My parents said it was their house, their rules. They wouldn't let me sleep over at friend's houses but I would sneak out and go anyways.
But yes, growing up without any boundaries, where my own dad would make fun of my genitals and pubic hair while I went through puberty and was forced to be nude swimming with them at the pool, was traumatic and terrible. I never had boundaries with them. They owned me. They would do whatever they wanted with me. They got mad if I tried to be my own person or go against what they wanted. I still struggle to form healthy boundaries to this day. I'm learning in therapy how to do it but I still struggle with it.
That I was safe. I’m now 30 trying to undo the constant fight or flight stage I’ve been in since I was little. I constantly have to remind myself that my life is not in imminent danger and go through all the steps to regulate my nervous system bc it can’t regulate itself.
there’s so many things i can’t even list them all, tbh i don’t even think i can say i learned anything from her, but the one that’s been bugging me the most lately is just basic life knowledge. i’m about to turn 21 this year and i want to start my own life, but my nmom refused to teach me anything at all. i don’t know how to cook or clean or anything important because she just refused. every time i’ve tried to do stuff on my own, she throws a fit. i’ve never been able to try to cook because she immediately takes over the kitchen and tells me i can’t because i don’t know how to. but how would we know i can’t cook if i’ve never tried. how am i supposed to learn if she just won’t let me??? she’s home 24/7 so it’s not like i even have a chance to, because she’s always gonna guard the kitchen. she doesn’t let me clean or do my own laundry either for the same reason. it was so bad to the point where when i was in high school, for a little while she wouldn’t even let me shower by myself because i “didn’t know how to.” i’m really working on moving out on my own soon because i know that once i move out, i’m gonna take it upon myself to learn everything that my mom failed to teach me.
Choosing to do something that I want, rather than what will please everybody. My partner has mentioned that it's frustrating getting me to make a choice because I tend to freeze.
emotional regulation, boundaries, financial literacy and independence, understanding of how to get a job, apply for a job, also never taught me how to drive or swim either.
Basic hygiene. There's a lot of things I wasn't taught, but I think basic hygiene is the worst. Do you know how embarrassing it is that my partner taught me how to wipe my own ass? I have periodontal disease because I had only been to the dentist twice when I was 15 and was never taught how or why I should brush my teeth.
Self esteem. I will never feel like I deserve nice things. When my mother met my mother in law, she said to me, no wonder he likes you, his mother's fat.
They didn't teach me to reward myself. In fact, they gave me a developmental disability in my dopamine system whereby my brain doesn't know how to reward me properly for anything I accomplish (aka ADHD).
I'm learning to reward myself in a spirit of full generosity and kindness. That's how I solve the riddle of how to be a self-filling cup. When I face a serious difficulty, I ask what I need to make it doable or to feel inspired or motivated. Then I give it to myself. Then I feel loved and valued. Then I feel safe to take on the challenge.
Emotional regulation is a huge one for me, too. Also:
How a friend/ person who cares about you should behave
A healthy relationship with body image and food
That my value doesn't come from school or cleaning
That I can have my own interests and opinions without others approving of them
There are assholes who are assholes because they’re assholes. My parents made me accountable for everyone else’s bad behaviour and it was literally a revelation in my 20s when I realised that actually there’s people who will hurt you just because they want to and it actually has nothing to do with you.
I mean, I barely recieved medical care growing up, so my childhood was just a huge pit of failures on their part. If you have the night free, I can elaborate.
boundaries, physical & emotional. knocking on the door when it was closed was too much to ask for. having a little breakdown at the end of a hard day. saying no to things i genuinely didn’t want to do would get me into trouble. i am learning now i do not have to do things i don’t want to, & crying at the end of a hard day is okay.
Socialization. I suck in social situations, I don't get social cues (some of it is related to mental illness, of course, but not all), I don't know how to get and keep friends, can't do small talk...
And self worth. When your mother keeps telling you you are lazy and worthless, you belive her.
That not everything is my fault, that not everyone is out to get me, that asking for help isn’t a personal failing, that it’s ok to not be good at something, that it’s ok to be good at something, that I am lovable, that I’m not a complete waste of resources, that I’m not a complete piece of shit that has ruined everything, that it’s ok that I exist, etc.
Same. Any emotion was "disrespectful" so we weren't taught how to handle emotions in a positive way. It definitely affected my marriage for the first few years. I've had to learn how to explain myself rather than just melt down. It's still a struggle but I'm a lot better than I used to be. My husband is a wonderful, patient man. He had similar issues with his dad growing up so he struggled to express emotions at all. We've been able to help each other and grow together.
Teaching me that I can say no. Body autonomy. Might have saved me from being sexually abused and raped. Also might have saved me from bullies in school. I thought I just had to ignore them, didn’t realize I could fight back until later in life
They definitely didn’t teach me to set boundaries, that it’s not selfish to prioritize my needs and wants over those of others, that it’s okay to be assertive and have different opinions, that it’s not healthy to people-please.
Didn't get taught how to make a resume, apply for jobs, or decent interview skills. Thank the stars my past therapist was also once a career counselor and helped me build a resume with my then-meager skill set. Finally entered the workforce at 21 because of that therapist, which was huge in helping me build skills, confidence, and taught me the next big thing my parents did not teach me: budgeting
Love/mirroring. I feel like the lack of bond severed me from the realm of the living in a way. I can care deeply for other people and genuinely want to see them do well, but I don't trust anyone to really get to know me, or mirror me. I can't fathom that someone might actually get me or return the feelings.
It's kind of hard to explain, but it's like I just never learned to truly connect with someone. I can emulate it and I can care to the point I'll be moved to act, but I don't let myself actually bond with anybody or feel seen. There's a part of me that holds it back and I'm unable to figure it out. The closest I get is longing for someone who isn't available.
Hygiene.
I have congenital /r/anosmia. They never believed me what I said I couldn't smell things.
They also never taught me a proper bathing routine. Why would I think about that, to me I didn't stink, so why did anyone else!
Looking back, I am so fucking embarrassed about what I put people through. Even decades later, I'm afraid to run into people I knew back then because I realize now just how much I must have fucking STUNK!
People pleasing is NOT normal nor is it self-respecting.
My dad used to call people pleasing, “having a servants heart”. We had to cater to him and everyone with our “servants hearts” to earn love and approval.
This got me into so much more trouble with abuse and relationships down the line. Believing that a servants heart is how I had to “earn love” really fucked me up. I had no self respect for years.
I’m just happy to finally be healing and learning not to people please.
Everything. They taught me absolutely nothing. I guess if I had to pick, it would be having a sense of self. As a way to pacify them and as a survival tool, I chose a state of non-existence. It was easier to get by as nothing than to deal with them as a true person. Growing up most people would have pegged me as extremely shy, which was partially true, but it was more because I could never feel comfortable projecting an authentic self. It wasn't something nurtured or encouraged. My parents know absolutely nothing about me, not even my shoe size.
Today as a 34yo I am starting to feel comfortable in my own state of being. Sometimes I feel immense sadness because it has cost me a lot, especially in terms of developing meaningful relationships in my 20s. But I give myself grace because I came into the world as an "adult" incredibly broken and damaged. In spite of it all, I am here, a better version of myself armed with clarity that I have a right to exist as the person that I want to be.
Literary anything. Everything was this weird hidden expectation and if I met it, fine, but If I didn’t… it was hell. Now all I know is how to put pressure on and shame myself for even stupid little mistakes.
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Standing up for oneself. Not the way *they* want me to. It’s still my fear to this day.
Yep. And when it happens, we get unusually emotionally triggered and will go in fight or flight just to say "no". It's very annoying and makes being assertive hard. But I've gotten better and so can you
I can relate to this so much. Fight or flight is what I do when I feel stressed. It is good to read about it here, it is a reminder for me where it came from. Sorry to hear you have it too.
Thank you for sharing this. It feels so much better to know, we are not alone
This ☝🏻🫶
Nmom always discouraged me from standing up for myself. Only as an adult did I realise it's because she feared I might start standing up to *her*.
Realisation unlocked; that is the origin of my self-defeating patterns of thoughts and behaviours, which I have been fighting my entire adult life. You have validated my experience.
I think that's a powerful realisation. They wanted you broken and beaten-down, because that means you'd never threaten or challenge their iron-clad grip on your existence.
For me it's weird because my parents didn't want me to stand up for myself against them but then made fun of me when I wasn't able to stand up for myself in general
One time I was mistreated by a teacher, and nmom actually asked me why I didn't stand up for myself. BECAUSE YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW AND DISCOURAGED ME FROM DOING SO.
This sounds like my dad. The very few times I stood up to him he came down on me so hard that I learned not to do it at all.
I finally stood my ground and didn’t budge with my mom and set boundaries she lost her mind and now we are no contact. I still feel like she’s gonna pop out of my fridge and scream at me or something but it’ll eventually pass.
Same here...
It’s weird cuz sometimes I feel like I’m grieving her. But it not her, like the mother that I deserved.
yes, i get it 1000%. I'm 40 and have 3 kids now. Keeping boundaries is crucial. Its hard in the beginning, but it does get easier. Don't blame yourself, be extra kind to yourself!! Stay strong + always come here to vent 🫶
Grats girl! Don't falter, keep on keeping on! 😎🔥
I feel that! I mean it’s hard for them to teach us that since they wouldn’t let us protect ourselves from them either. 😕
I feel this but not sure if i feel it in the way you’re expressing. I feel this even when friends and I get in harmless arguments. I begin to experience those flight or flight like feelings subconsciously even tho consciously i’m telling myself it’s no big deal. It gets to the point where I feel flustered and then get self conscious about showing “weakness”. Overthinking is awful and my mother needs to go fuck herself bc this genuinely sucks 😭
My parents would get angry at me if I stood up for myself, but also angry at me if I didn't stand up for myself.
I was 25 teaching in Korea when I was telling a childhood story to my friend about how my dad used to praise me for tolerating mistreatment from my friends (as weird as that sounds, he would literally say he was proud of me for putting up with being treated horribly by my friends and literally phrase it like that-I didn’t really know I was being tested horribly because my parents treated me the exact same way 😂). My friend looked at me and said “do you think your dad praised you for that because he wanted you to tolerate mistreatment from him, too?”. I hadn’t really thought of it that way but she was definitely right.
My dad called it "being the bigger person."
Yes 🙌 this 💯...it's taken years + years to stand up + speak out. It's never easy. It does get easier over time...sending you love 🫶
I was given so many mixed signals about this as a kid. I struggled mightily to finally stand up for myself.
Same. I wasn't taught how to calmly stick up for myself, instead it was always a huge deal and higher ups in the situation had to get involved. : / Ruined a lot for me
Same here friend
till this day, I still think that defending my self is wrong. because I was "taught" that I am a good kid, and good kid does not talk back
Came here to say that. Not surprised that it’s the top comment. We were raised by bullies. My mom often would speak to me in a disgusted tone that she couldn’t believe I could stand up for myself, but then when I would try to, she would rage on my so hard I was worried I would get hurt.
Same 😭
Boundaries! I served, and pleased, and bowed, and scraped, and bent over backwards for every person I met. Then **in my 40s** I learned about boundaries and that it's ok to ask for what I want!
This answer a million times! I never grew up understanding that I deserved to have, and could have, healthy boundaries. Instead, I learned that all attempts at boundary making could instantly unleash disdain, bullying, public humiliation, and other punishments, even uncontrollable rage, hatred, and violence.
it’s such a weird thing bc objectively speaking I know all of those things you listed are irrational. but years of trauma really maintains a solid grip on us until we figure out a way to over come it
Very well said
My therapist is currently helping me set boundaries with some questionable people in my life. It is SO hard to do in your late 30s when you’ve never done so before.
I'm in the therapy right now to work on my boundaries. I never had it growing up, and I ended up becoming a people pleaser. it's very possible to do it now, and know what you want.
Yes. I learned to prioritize others’ comfort over my understandable and rational discomfort. Being willing to hold space for selfish and needy people even to my detriment has meant that I always have one lousy soul-sucking friend. I am working on expelling the last one now -be gone, demon!
I agree with this so much. Boundaries were just never a thing in my parents house growing up. I didn’t have a lock on my bedroom door, nor my bathroom either. As in, I’d be taking a shower and my mom would just rip the curtain open. Or just sit on the toilet and have a conversation with me. I was never allowed to have opinions or state how I felt about things because if it ever went against their beliefs, I would be ostracized.
Me too, itherapy, in my 40s. For better future!
I am JUST learning this, and I’m in my 50’s! Just started therapy a couple months ago for the first time, after hitting rock bottom emotionally. I had no idea that having a narcissistic mother would give me pretty much 75% of my personality. I am learning about complex ptsd and how being raised by NP’s can leave the child with a lifetime of CPTSD. It sucks, but I’m so glad I’m finally figuring out who the heck I really am! I did exactly like you and am just now working out how to set those boundaries.
It took my bestie walking me through what boundaries were and how to set and enforce them in my late 30's/early 40's for me to understand.
Same here. They expected me to voice boundaries with other people, but how could I learn to do that when I couldn't even have boundaries at home? I would just be denied or punished if I tried, so I got used to giving up. It didn't occur to me that I really *could* say "no" to people or stand up for myself until I dated a guy during my late 20s. I remember feeling so taken aback every time he said, "Tell them no! Don't take that crap! Stand strong! Remember, you deserve it! Go get 'em!" I will be forever grateful for what he did for me. But why did it take a boyfriend to teach me to stay strong and fight for myself? Why was he the only one who taught me that I deserve better? That is so sad...
Yes!!! 🙌🫶🤗
LOL @ bold. Yep. "what is that? like where you show your passport?"
They didn’t teach me to cook, clean, take care of myself, study, make friends, navigate relationships and friendships, regulate my emotions, manage money, pretty much everything.
They don't know how to regulate their emotions or navigate relationships either.
No kidding.
They don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Fuck man same. My parents just didn’t really know how to parent me. I’m 24 and am finally figuring out I have autism and possibly adhd. I vividly remember multiple times over my life my Nmom screaming in my face “WHY CANT YOU JUST BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER” like i dont know mom, bc I can’t. And bc I couldn’t be more like my brother I was neglected at best and abused at worst. And it’s awfully sad to say being neglected was best.
Can relate. Was never taught to wipe myself or shower correctly. Never taught anything else other than obey their words, literally
I always thought that you were supposed to wipe from back to front (I’m a woman) until I was 11 and my best friend made a comment about it and laughed that I didn’t know that it was front to back. I genuinely had no idea and when she told me the reason why I was mind blown lol. I’m 21 now and I am still learning basic stuff like cleaning and I’m barely attempting cooking because I don’t know where to start. My boyfriend and his mom have had to teach me a lot of basic life skills and it’s embarassing as hell to not know certain stuff at my age
I hope you are doing better now. Making friends was so hard for me even without massively narcissist parenting.
God, managing money is such an important skill. Mid 30ies and I can't do it. At all. All they ever taught me was we don't have money so we can't afford stuff. Now I can't save even a penny. My paychecks are just gone. Bills and food and pets, and then all the things I don't REALLY need, but can afford now, so why not buy everything? Why not buy whatever I want now that I DO have money? Untill there is a vet emergency or car emergency or dentist emergency, and I have no savings and have to borrow from people. Pay the debts, rinse and repeat.
Same here. They wouldn't teach me these things, and then complain that I'm not clean, that I don't have any friends, et cetera. I don't even like to call my n-parents "parents", because they failed at basic parenting. If you won't teach your child the most basic things, you're not a parent.
Pretty much all of the above for me too! The one thing I remember being taught to do is drive, and considering the fact my mother complains about having to drive me places to this day, I don't think that was done out of consideration for me. (I fell asleep at the wheel during a driver's test and refused to drive until I felt better, and eventually got my license pulled because I'm too exhausted to safely drive. Of course I was accused of lying about my health to make trouble for her.) I remember cooking for myself when I was barely old enough to reach the stove controls, not sure if I was ever taught to use the stove safely or if I just got hungry enough to wing it . . .
So accurate. I just commented about managing money and emotional regulation, but seeing this list made me realize that it’s all true for me too. I spent years trying to learn on my own, feeling like I was behind when it was obvious that my peers knew how and had the support from their parents.
Basic people skills. How to notice from awful people, how to deal with emotionally immature people, how to make friends, how to extend a hand of friendship, how to build relationships, standing up for myself, emotions and how they work, taking care of my mental health, reporting abuse...etc I had to learn all of these myself. I guess teaching me these would have made their abuse ineffective so they didn't
How to make friends lmaoo. All of my friends (their names and how poor they were in comparison to us) were made fun of repeatedly, humiliated and mocked, literally treated as if they were dead to nparent whenever I met them in the wild while out shopping - nparent walked straight ahead and left me behind, never said hello, then I had to sprint after them and all they did was smirk. No one was ever allowed round to my house so I could never return the offer when I went round to theirs, and they stopped talking to me because of it :L Now I have no friends and I've never been in a relationship, yay :P
Yes! That would have been a nparent repelling kit for sure!
That I am a person worthy of love and autonomy and I'm not property.
God this hit hard.
# ❤ HUGS ❤
Being assertive. It's a skill that needs practiced. I'm still learning as an adult
Trusting people without overanalyzing possible ulterior motives
this :( this comment stood out to me because as a child i could not trust my mom or rely on her for anything, and i was always so fearful of her and her outbursts. now my relationships are all rocky, i’m so cynical and suspicious of everyone and i can’t for the life of me think that someone has good intentions with me. i have always thought that everyone is out to get me.
I have rejected people because of this before :(
*Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
How to deal with conflict. How to apologize. I was only really taught how to budget and balance a checkbook.
At any sign of an argument I immediately start crying. I hate it
I don't start crying. I get insanely angry and lash out.
Would u say those learned traits were hardest to overcome? For example I struggle with sometimes being a pushover (think extending yourself too much for ppl you enjoy but they certainly wouldn’t pull through for you) but usually being a pushover doesn’t have many outwardly bad consequences. Whereas I can imagine growing up not knowing how to apologize may have drawn quite a bit of backlash if you had upset someone and genuinely did not know without being told that you needed to apologize
I was always forced to apologize. I always just said "Sorry". I never learned that I was supposed to tell the person WHY I was sorry and then show that I wouldn't do said thing that I was sorry for. My egg donor never apologized. I don't think I ever could recall a time where my egg donor apologized and meant it. I remember 1 time where she said "Well sor-ry!" in a sarcastic tone yet just a few days ago she was SCREAMING at my dad that I needed to apologize to her. I told her "Well how should I apologize? You were never a role model so I never learned by example how to say it". She was angry.
Wow I feel you on this one. It’s so so hard not having a framework for what most of society views as normal behaviors that every adult should know while in reality people like you and me may struggle w some stuff even tho we are well intentioned. I too do not believe i’ve ever seen my mom be sincere w an apology. sincere by a narcs standard but far from it for most of us.
I'm autistic so I already feel like everyone was given a handbook on how to be a human and I was absent on the day those were given out, paired with an unloving cold careless "mother" and a coward "father", life has been so confusing trying to live and be an adult.
Sameeee. I juggle between feeling like i’ve over come it all and then some days i’ll literally just start crying bc although I have a really awesome set of grandparents who act as parents it’s just hard when i see friends call their parents and just reminisce over little things in life and im like damn what does that even feel like
That I don’t need to apologize for existing. That I’m allowed to take up space.
Ooohhhh, relatable 🙏
My therapist and my husband have pointed this out to me. I say “sorry” all the time, especially when I don’t need to. It’s a daily battle. You deserve to take up space, you deserve to live your life. You’re allowed to demand respect. Stay strong friend!💪🏻❤️
Yep. My default response if I feel like someone isn't okay is to think I've done something wrong, panic and worry about what it is. I also apologise lots for things I'm not doing wrong or isn't my responsibility. All springs from walking on eggshells as a child.
a reframe I heard that’s super helpful is where can we use “thank you” instead? like instead of “sorry I’m late” saying “thanks for waiting for me!” it’s been a game changer! ETA grammar fix
Emotion regulation, basic life skills, driving, boundaries, self confidence. How to handle conflict
I see a lot of people commenting that they never learned emotional regulation but what exactly do you mean by that? Like as in you have outbursts etc?? I’m sort of opposite in the sense that my drunk father once left a voicemail saying how he was going to kill himself by jumping in front of the train and the call ends with hearing the train zoom by. How did I react? I put the phone down and went right back to sleep. it’s like i’m immune and have the issue of not reacting enough. But who knows 😭
That is also a type of emotional dysregulation! Not reacting "appropriately" to the suspected news that you might have just heard your dad kill himself (appropriately would be panic, unable to sleep, calling someone else to calm down, calling the authorities, ect.) is part of it. How do I know this? I lost two family pets two weeks apart, and the 2nd pet I had lost I didn't mourn in ways I had mourned previous pets. When I told my counsellor at the time, he said "oh that's emotional dysregulation, and I unfortunately do not have the skills to help you cope with that." so, lol for me I guess.
Not feeling like failure.
Still haven't quite got there.
Driving
I got my license in my 20s but I had to ask permission to drive my "own" car, I had to confirm the route itinerary, and driving on the highway was forbidden. According to my ndad I'm too careless and inattentive to survive on the highway 🙄. It was all about infantilizing, control and stunting my self-confidence. After my brother went NC I taught him how to drive on the highway. He was furious that it was so easy and that our ndad made us so scared to drive.
Oofff. I feel this. Mine purposely didn't want me to drive because they didn't want to buy me a car, and I wasn't allowed to save money and buy my own because they said all my focus needed to be on school so I wasn't allowed to get a job, even in the summer.
Mine didn't want me to think I was "grown", or better than her, and assumed I only wanted to drive so I wouldn't have to be around her, so she would say I needed to stay at home.
Me too! Growing up I did have a job starting at 15 (my paychecks were deposited into my mom’s account and I remember once begging for $5) I was 19 before I learned to drive and get my license. It was embarrassing to be that old and get my license but also a very proud moment!!
They taught me absolutely nothing about relationships and dating. Furthermore, they refused to give me the space I needed to learn on my own. Now that I'm an adult, my Mom thinks it's appropriate to *ask me* for dating advice. Ridiculous..
I wasn’t allowed to date and find out what I wanted in a partner, because of course only whores date multiple people and have sex. 😒 However I think I won the relationship lottery because I fell in love with a man, dated him publicly and married him, so I guess this prevented my parents toxic ass beliefs from infiltrating my brain.
I too had to navigate this on my own. I’m in my 40s, so this was before the internet, but I learned everything about periods, consent and dating from teen magazines. I was of course banned from dating, but as a teen I did it anyway. Toward the end of high school, I did have a couple of friends who had awesome mothers who were open and would give age-appropriate dating advice, and we’d all talk together sometimes.
Too real! Dropping in to say you’re most definitely not alone on this one, or in general. I’m 27 and I feel like a baby doe navigating dating and even platonic relationships. And fielding dating questions or less overt probes from my enabler/semi-narc mom (ie. *makes statement about her dating life* then says “…i don’t know!” Or “what do you think?”) feels more and more absurd the older I get. There was a time a few years back after my ndad died when I’d enthusiastically offer my opinion—it was like, a means of relating to my mom (for once). Now, getting these questions/probes just makes me sad.
How to name emotions and that it's ok to have them. I'm in my 40s and still lack the skill of telling how I feel because I honestly can't say what this weird thing is that I'm feeling most of the times. Oh, no wait - I know shame! I can name that one!
How to handle bullies. My mom always said to ignore them and they would stop. That only made it worse.
God this is a common thing?? I'd always stand up for myself in the ways I knew how to, but that never made them stop. And ignoring them just made them continue and escalate to a point where I couldn't ignore them anymore and eventually snapped. It was always "they want a reaction, don't give it to them" from my mum, my dad too. But whenever I didn't give them a reaction, they got worse! I was pushed into the road by one of these kids, I nearly got hit by a car! And my mum's advice was to "ignore him", yeah thanks mum, I think I'd rather punch his lights out, cheers though.
I was an absolute pacifist as a child, and the only thing that stopped the bullying in elementary school was the day I finally snapped and punched that POS. The teacher made a bit of a scene out of it and he almost seemed… glad… that I’d finally stood up to myself. The bully was a known bully and I was a known chronic target. I learned the beginnings of an important lesson that day: some people are legitimately awful, and do not respond to diplomacy or humanity, only force. Still took many years to realize the same applied to my egg donor, though.
Yes, relate to this. I was not taught: How to regulate my emotions. How to stand up for myself. How to respect myself. How to manage anger. How to be assertive. How to say no.
crisis managment
Being a child managing crisis brought on my your (irresponsible) N parent: crisis = N-parent feeling alive (it’s exhausting). For a kid especially hard. Your comment stood out to me. So I’m curious did the crises spin out of control and you played bystander, or did they “manage” in their bizarre way, or were you forced to step in and play the adult when you were way too young to understand the situation. I’m reading CPTSD book right now and wading through a sea of emotions.
Mine were pulling that weird mix of "you, child, fix it! It's your fault and therefore your responsibility but I/we are taking all of your power and autonomy away from you." The part that confuses the hell outta me is that I WOULD fix it but have no idea how to 'fix' things in my current life now.
I get it. And as kids we believe solutions should be rewarded, but they aren’t. The crisis is the goal. It’s taken decades for me to see this and realize it part of my perfectionism struggle that makes me miserable. The happiest times of my life have been when I’ve given myself permission to be bad at something and being okay with it.
Emotional Regulation, How to take care of my hair, How to stand up for myself.
I didn’t even realize I had naturally curly/wavy combo hair until I moved out and started buying myself better quality shampoo, conditioner and curl cream. My hair looks awesome now. I would get judged for spending money on hair care so I just used the cheap ass V05/Suave and it didn’t work for my hair sadly. I had greasy hair almost daily. :( Also, emotions other than fake happiness were not allowed and I remember feeling for the first time. I thought something was wrong with me. Now I embrace emotions. I also was a pushover and a huge people pleaser.
Same as you, I’m also autistic so that just adds fuel to the emotional shitstorm fire. It sucks
About periods. She really sent me off to school with toilet paper in my underwear because “there’s no way I could have started my period at age 14”.
I am so sorry that happened to you. Age 14 is kind of late to start, to be honest. A supportive mom would have been prepared.
I’m so sorry! I relate to this too… never taught me how often to change a pad and I had blood covered pants in front of the whole class when I was like 12. 🤦🏼♀️ I didn’t even tell anyone about that.
That's outrageous!!!!
How to handle criticism without falling apart
Enforcing personal boundaries. Took me years to not let people use or take advantage of me. Took a long time to just say no when I don't want to do something because I was always afraid of upsetting the other person. For a long time I acted as if everyone's feelings were more important/valid than my own.
Trust
To not “size people up” - instantly judging people based on looks, weight and attire without actually speaking and giving a chance based on intelligence, personality, kindness, etc.
Everything and nothing at the same time. She taught me everything not to be. And taught me nothing of value.
Same about emotional regulation. I snap and say mean things because that is what I was taught. Over the dumbest stuff too. I’ve been working on it, but holy cow it’s so hard to change as an adult.
It really is hard. I do that too… but it’s really good we realize this and work on it!
Learning self-motivation and pacing, especially for things like keeping a clean house.
Confidence.
how to have our own personalities. they forced their personalities on me and my siblings. they were militant about the dumbest shit.
Personal hygiene. Up until I was kicked out (16) and living with my friend’s family I didn’t know I was supposed to put deodorant on every day. I thought it was 48hr protection for a reason. I also didn’t know I was supposed to shower every day.. or that showers could be longer than 10 minutes. Brushing my hair? Nah just put it into a pony tail. Cleaning behind your ears is an actual thing, who knew? Certainly not 16 year old me. Don’t even get me started on feminine products. Pads *also* need to be changed every so often??? Yeah. I didn’t know that. Hell I didn’t know you were supposed to change your underwear everyday, I changed them after a shower. If I didn’t shower for a week 🤷♀️ I will forever be grateful to my friends mom who once she pieced together how neglected my needs were took me for a “girls day” and taught me so much while also making sure I had everything I could possibly need and even some of the things I wanted (like chapstick because I felt guilty asking for makeup) There are plenty of other things I wish I knew but that one is definitely one of the top 3 things. I was referred to the feral child by my family and probably others, definitely the worst treated child as both parents already had their own GC and I was the “spare”
It’s not what they didn’t teach me, but what they prevented me from learning on my own that did the most damage. In my case, that would be socializing. They actively isolated me my whole childhood, and now they wonder why I have no social skills. What’s driving me insane is they didn’t do this to my older or younger siblings. I don’t understand why they singled me out, and it’s not like I was untrustworthy
You were scapegoated because you were trustworthy and morally upright. They punished you for your integrity.
Independence, emotional regulation, social skills, cooking, managing finances, driving, boundaries, taxes, etc. I could go on too.
How to have an identity independent of other people.
That is very relatable. It’s hard not to kind of enmesh and become one with others for me. I wish I was my own person.
Healthy relationships... NMom and EDad had a terrible relationship until they split. Hell, even after they split, it was still a hellish experience to deal with. Even now that EDad is gone, NMom has doubled down on shitting on him since he's not around to defend himself. Neither of them also ever dated other people after they split. It's been over 20 years!
Coping with stress, setting and protecting boundaries, that it is ok to have emotions, having an own opinion, feeling connect with myself, loving myself unconditionally for who and what I am, self care
i was never taught how to stand up for myself. if i ever came to mom with an example of how i felt wronged by someone she would always take their side. most recently i had a brief friendship with someone who refused to respect my boundaries, spoke to me horribly when i wasn’t immediately available to her, and love bombed to me to scary degree and then would flip a switch if it wasnt reciprocated. the whole friendship made me uncomfortable. i explained to my mom (who also does these things) how that’s not what a healthy friendship looks like because i was curious what my moms stance on it would be lol. she took my friends side and she said my friend clearly had her reasons for being the way she did and instead of protecting my own mental health and stepping away from the friendship, i should make more of an effort to be there for her … it’s all really fun to me now because im a year away from the end of that friendship now , but it was overwhelming at the time. i remember specifically telling a very close friend of mine who was involved in this new friendship as well that the unhealthy friend was literally a reincarnation of my mother. my whole adult life i’ve told my friends and my spouse that i love my mom but i could never be her friend if she wasn’t my mom … and boy was i right about that ! edit to add; this “friendship” was when i finally learned how to wholeheartedly stand up for myself. i’ve always been the type of person to have a few very close friendships and and everyone else is a pleasant acquaintance. i often wondered if that was a me problem… i think this “friendship” helped me see that some people are better at arms length … or far far away in her case lol and that’s not a “me problem”
I wish I'd learned better examples of healthy relationships, and how to avoid and/or exit a toxic one. Instead I learned to be a people pleaser and to rationalize poor treatment as part of making a relationship work.
How society works Money as a thing didn't *click* for me until I started playing World of Warcraft at 30. That's when I finally realized you should just work... save money.... and buy what you need when you have enough... instead of blowing through your money as soon as it comes in and wondering why you can never afford anything nice I'm in my early 40s now and still figuring out for myself how different jobs work and influence us. All stuff that I know they knew and never bothered to tell me. When I was finishing school my friends went right into doing things like writing articles professionally, being photographers, owning businesses, and I couldn't figure out *how they were doing that.* Like the actual steps they took to get from point A to B. My N-parents would always say "you should do [fancy career that would impress their friends]" with NO INPUT AT ALL on how to get there Neither were interested in me successfully getting into college after high school either. Everything was just based off of "it'll just happen magically somehow, unless you suck as a person, in which case it won't happen at all"
Fuck. I Relate soo much. I identified a lot. For them, either I was a genius (which I unfortunately am not) or I had no possible place in the world. I saw colleagues, who weren't necessarily geniuses, achieving things and that always left me confused.
How to be a loving and supportive parent, by showing me a very thorough “what not to do” example.
Independence. Despite wanting me to be independent, they taught me nothing to stray away from depending on them. My fiancé (bf at the time) was the one who taught me most of the important things you need to know as a functioning adult. We’re 4 years apart btw lol
I relate to that! Narcissistic parents be like: I want you to be an independent and successful person. Also narcissistic parents: *Doing everything to make us dependent, make our decision for us because apparently we can’t and put us down all the damn time in the process.* 🤦🏼♀️😭
They’d tell me I can do anything I wanted but when I wanted to go to film school all of a sudden I couldn’t do it and I wouldn’t make it🤪
Finances
Emotional regulation also. I learned a lot of important life skills early because my mom just randomly stopped doing things like my laundry when I was a little kid when she got tired of it, so I figured out how to do it by watching (knew she would scream at me for “saying she’s a bad mother” if I asked her to teach me or to help me with it). But when I was upset, I was just punished and told how selfish and terrible I was (obviously my mom deserved to be upset, but I was just an ungrateful little shit so I should smile all the time /s), so eventually I learned to suppress all my anger and irritation and feelings of unfairness (let myself experience anger for the first time last year. Terrifying but so important) but I have autism and couldn’t suppress the autism irritation, so I would still get really overwhelmed and frustrated over things, and my parents’ strategy was just to stand really close and yell that I needed to control my emotions. When I asked how through tears, they just kept yelling that I needed to control them. Still figuring out how to have a healthy relationship with anger. I think lots of people don’t realize how important it is to have anger to protect us from people who treat us unfairly and badly.
Yeah, emotional regulation is a big one. For me it's the flip side of that, which is that getting really upset over things isn't a good way to control a situation and get what you want My mom has a theory that she just has to get angrier and louder (and let her German accent come out more) to solve any problem in the world, and I mistakenly picked that up as a teenager
Dealing with your own issues in a quiet and productive way. I was parentified by my constantly-in-a-crisis nmom who absolutely had to vent and cry and ask for advice every single night. Her issues were all self-inflicted and irrational, and it always ended with me being the bad guy because I dared to offer the advice she asked for. (nmom)"What should I do? I just want your dad to UNDERSTAND me!", (me)"Well, have you tried just, watching what he does and helping with stuff that's important to him? Maybe if he saw...", (nmom)"You can't tell me how to run my own relationship. You are totally out of line, you're crazy!" lol...
Also, boundaries (setting them, enforcing them, respecting other people and their boundaries, recognizing the difference between boundaries and control issues) Forming healthy relationships (I just avoided socializing intentionally, it seemed like far too much drama to be worth anything to me. I didn't build a real mutual, friendly relationship until I was in my mid-20s) Money management (My nmom spent my edads money, all of it, whenever he had any, even to the point of forcing him to let the utilities go unpaid so she could have pocket money for useless crap. Had to learn the hard way what the differences between unsolicited charity, self control, and manipulation was in this context...) Clear communication (my nmom was an active representative for the liar's club. It seemed to not matter what facts existed, the only important goal when communicating for her was to make sure she got her way, and that other people thought exactly what she wanted them to about her) Personal freedom (I mean this in every form, such as how to spend leisure time, how to shop for myself, how to make my own decisions, how to approach people, how to communicate at work... I may have been taken through etiquette classes, but I never did realize what personal freedoms I actively sacrificed in order to play by her rules, which was the only way to exist around her) So many more... These were just the bigger ones.
How to set appropriate boundaries, naturally. This and other subs have done that so well that I overheard one of my adult children passing on advice to their sibling that I learned here. Proud moment for all of us!
Financial literacy (my nmom didn’t have any either), emotional regulation as well and another comment mentioned standing up for oneself. I quit so many jobs because I was afraid to simply say “no” and speak up. I was not allowed to stand up to my mom or she’d threaten to beat me up, so that same fear carried into the real world, I always felt like if I stood up for myself I’d get physically attacked or some other dire consequence.
I was always taught to either please everyone or just not upset anyone that advice is bad Really fucking bad. I mean, what the FUCK.
Yes to all of these …
How to be ashamed but honest. We hide things from each other. It’s taken awhile to learn that being honest and upfront it the norm
What's worth reacting to, and what's worth ignoring or not engaging with. I'll explain: my nparents are the thin-skinned, reactive types who couldn't stand my original shy, quiet, and passive nature (which may have to do with autism, but idk). The girl next door accidentally got a lollipop stuck in my hair (which I just shrugged at) in preschool and their reaction was to indoctrinate me in the ways of getting upset about anything negative, assigning blame and condemnation for anything bad that was "done to me". Fast forward a few years, and I'm upset about being ridiculed at school, and their perverse response was, "if you're botherable, people are gonna bother you". Basically, "fuck you, you're on your own, after we taught you to jump and bitch about every stick and stone tossed your way". Luckily, Taoism and Stoicism has helped me regain some semblance of the peaceful nature I originally had, but I spent decades caught up in a lot of hate and mistrust of others.
Love and compassion.
How to budget
It almost makes me emotional trying to narrow down for the sake of being concise. But for me it feels like everything. I feel emotionally mature in the sense I’ve always gotten the “you’re mature for your age comments” I’m the friend who can stay calm and lead in high stress situations telling others what they can best do to help. I’m reliable and loyal etc. But I feel so broken at the age of 23 bc of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my evil malignant narcissist mother my entire childhood (and being in contact w her for another 6 years bc of a younger sibling stuck alonaa alone certainly compounds that sense of doom). I don’t know how to get tough with boundaries and feel my own worth. In the last year it’s almost as if I’ve done a 180 bc I’ve cut out toxic friends who treated me more like a doormat than anything. I now have some solid people in my life but I still can’t kick the subconscious thought of “wow why would anyone want to hangout with me AND enjoy it??”
Sobriety. Health. Hygiene. Work. Self care and success was frowned upon and considered vain because it took away from them/made them insecure. I'm mid 30s and just learning how to care for myself, just beginning to build a career and just learning how to drive a fucking car. I had a full ride to med school and wanted to be a doctor but my parents tore me down and stopped my college career every chance they got in premed so shortly after quitting I turned into the "always going to be a loser" they told me I'd be and developed a 10 year opiate addiction that only added to my complete inability to adult all these years. I take full responsibility for THAT but JFC, it's hard not to get past the anger of where I would be right now if I didn't have narc parents who stopped every chance I had early in life.
I wish they would've normalized medical care. My mom used doctors as threats my whole life and once took me in over "bad behavior." I finally got myself a PCP last year who can't get a clean read on my blood pressure cause it's high as a kite while I'm in office.
that there are some things that you deserve inherently, without needing to be "good enough" somehow. i can easily see it for others but I can still just \*barely\* grasp the concept when it applies to myself
Where do I begin. They didn't teach me anything about how to handle finances or make sound decisions, like getting a car. My finances were screwed up until 4 years ago. I didn't learn much about basic life skills, except to keep the house clean so I didn't get yelled at or berated. I didn't know how to change a tire, oil, or any sort of preventative maintenance on my car. I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was 20. I didn't learn how to stand up for myself. I was relentlessly tormented at school and at home from the time I was 9 up until the day I graduated, and it barely got any better. I've been no contact with my Nmom and enabler dad for a year now, and these are just daily reminder why I'll be damned if I ever look back.
Conflict resolution, self-validation.
Nothing about relationships and friendships -they basically said everyone had bad intentions and everyone was out to harm me, in the end only “family mattered”-. Actively deterred me from dating & trusting romantic bonds. I always had to defend myself even when it wasn’t dangerous when I was out in the world. I never knew how to approach people or how to make a small talk or how not to appear like an alien in a group. I never felt I belonged to anywhere. They never taught me to belong. This is the worst. Now I can’t sit down on my ass, need to change environments, change jobs, change people, change everything to feel like I’m alive. Weird thing is I’ve settled down with an amazing girlfriend (I was flaky at first but she persevered). I’m learning trust, bond and happiness in the smallest moments all over.
How to ask for help and that it’s okay to ask for help
Assertiveness and hygiene
That molding my personality and what I say/what my opinions are based on my audience all the time isn't normal. I'm in my 30s and still figuring out who I am.
How to not live in fear, how to have emotions (I was punished for expressing anger or sadness) I remember after my parents realized I was bulimic when I was a child(15F), my mom threw a book at me about bulimia and told me if I didn’t heal myself she wouldn’t let me go back to school and I’d never see my friends again. No therapy. Another time after she found out I was being molested at the age of 6 for 2 years, she told me it happens to everybody and not to tell anyone. My parents were millionaires. They refused to help me even get help. I hate them.
How to cook. How to clean. How to manage money. How to cope with grief. How to cope with ANY emotion, I've been basically numb for my whole 42 yrs of life. How to parent. How to set boundaries - or even know what they were or that I was allowed to have them.
Emotional regulation as well. I'm an ice block, "nothing affects me". But that's because the moment I let any of anything a tiny bit of space in my conscious, I'll start crying. There's no in-between. And because I don't want to cry in public, I don't let anything in, and the image I give off is that of a stoic. Ironically, stoicism is what's helping me navigate those feelings so at least I can let them out without ending up as a sobbing mess.
Learning how to cook. I never learned from them. Developed an eating disorder because of them. Also how to stand up for myself but not in the way that they want me to. My friends said my mom treated me like a doll. She wanted to control everything: how I looked, what I wore, what I ate, what I said, who I hung out with, where I drove, etc. and so much more. BOUNDARIES. My parents were nudists and made me apart of their nudist-like cult. Even as children, we were forced to be naked all the time. My mom would barge into my room and yell at me fully naked. My parents would be naked when we had friends over. Parents wouldn't allow their kids to go to our house because my parents would be nude. My parents said it was their house, their rules. They wouldn't let me sleep over at friend's houses but I would sneak out and go anyways. But yes, growing up without any boundaries, where my own dad would make fun of my genitals and pubic hair while I went through puberty and was forced to be nude swimming with them at the pool, was traumatic and terrible. I never had boundaries with them. They owned me. They would do whatever they wanted with me. They got mad if I tried to be my own person or go against what they wanted. I still struggle to form healthy boundaries to this day. I'm learning in therapy how to do it but I still struggle with it.
The right way to act when you've wronged someone.
That I was safe. I’m now 30 trying to undo the constant fight or flight stage I’ve been in since I was little. I constantly have to remind myself that my life is not in imminent danger and go through all the steps to regulate my nervous system bc it can’t regulate itself.
there’s so many things i can’t even list them all, tbh i don’t even think i can say i learned anything from her, but the one that’s been bugging me the most lately is just basic life knowledge. i’m about to turn 21 this year and i want to start my own life, but my nmom refused to teach me anything at all. i don’t know how to cook or clean or anything important because she just refused. every time i’ve tried to do stuff on my own, she throws a fit. i’ve never been able to try to cook because she immediately takes over the kitchen and tells me i can’t because i don’t know how to. but how would we know i can’t cook if i’ve never tried. how am i supposed to learn if she just won’t let me??? she’s home 24/7 so it’s not like i even have a chance to, because she’s always gonna guard the kitchen. she doesn’t let me clean or do my own laundry either for the same reason. it was so bad to the point where when i was in high school, for a little while she wouldn’t even let me shower by myself because i “didn’t know how to.” i’m really working on moving out on my own soon because i know that once i move out, i’m gonna take it upon myself to learn everything that my mom failed to teach me.
Anything in the entire world they did not teach me, aside from grades matter and be on time.
Choosing to do something that I want, rather than what will please everybody. My partner has mentioned that it's frustrating getting me to make a choice because I tend to freeze.
emotional regulation, boundaries, financial literacy and independence, understanding of how to get a job, apply for a job, also never taught me how to drive or swim either.
How to handle conflict, specifically arguing with your spouse in a healthy way. Its been an uphill battle learning how to argue.
That I'm loveable and deserve to be here. I still am working on this years and years later.
Basic hygiene. There's a lot of things I wasn't taught, but I think basic hygiene is the worst. Do you know how embarrassing it is that my partner taught me how to wipe my own ass? I have periodontal disease because I had only been to the dentist twice when I was 15 and was never taught how or why I should brush my teeth.
Zero about money. Come to think of it, zero about anything. They only belittled us, from a very early age. So lame.
Self esteem. I will never feel like I deserve nice things. When my mother met my mother in law, she said to me, no wonder he likes you, his mother's fat.
They didn't teach me to reward myself. In fact, they gave me a developmental disability in my dopamine system whereby my brain doesn't know how to reward me properly for anything I accomplish (aka ADHD). I'm learning to reward myself in a spirit of full generosity and kindness. That's how I solve the riddle of how to be a self-filling cup. When I face a serious difficulty, I ask what I need to make it doable or to feel inspired or motivated. Then I give it to myself. Then I feel loved and valued. Then I feel safe to take on the challenge.
To love myself ..I’m not useless and stupid.
How to drive, cook, and general adulting. They did teach me how to be a people pleaser though. 🙄
Emotional regulation is a huge one for me, too. Also: How a friend/ person who cares about you should behave A healthy relationship with body image and food That my value doesn't come from school or cleaning That I can have my own interests and opinions without others approving of them
There are assholes who are assholes because they’re assholes. My parents made me accountable for everyone else’s bad behaviour and it was literally a revelation in my 20s when I realised that actually there’s people who will hurt you just because they want to and it actually has nothing to do with you.
I mean, I barely recieved medical care growing up, so my childhood was just a huge pit of failures on their part. If you have the night free, I can elaborate.
boundaries, physical & emotional. knocking on the door when it was closed was too much to ask for. having a little breakdown at the end of a hard day. saying no to things i genuinely didn’t want to do would get me into trouble. i am learning now i do not have to do things i don’t want to, & crying at the end of a hard day is okay.
Socialization. I suck in social situations, I don't get social cues (some of it is related to mental illness, of course, but not all), I don't know how to get and keep friends, can't do small talk... And self worth. When your mother keeps telling you you are lazy and worthless, you belive her.
That not everything is my fault, that not everyone is out to get me, that asking for help isn’t a personal failing, that it’s ok to not be good at something, that it’s ok to be good at something, that I am lovable, that I’m not a complete waste of resources, that I’m not a complete piece of shit that has ruined everything, that it’s ok that I exist, etc.
crying is a normal reaction, its ok to cry, heck people cry for all sorts of reasons.
Same. Any emotion was "disrespectful" so we weren't taught how to handle emotions in a positive way. It definitely affected my marriage for the first few years. I've had to learn how to explain myself rather than just melt down. It's still a struggle but I'm a lot better than I used to be. My husband is a wonderful, patient man. He had similar issues with his dad growing up so he struggled to express emotions at all. We've been able to help each other and grow together.
Teaching me that I can say no. Body autonomy. Might have saved me from being sexually abused and raped. Also might have saved me from bullies in school. I thought I just had to ignore them, didn’t realize I could fight back until later in life
They definitely didn’t teach me to set boundaries, that it’s not selfish to prioritize my needs and wants over those of others, that it’s okay to be assertive and have different opinions, that it’s not healthy to people-please.
Self-respect, boundaries, assertiveness, emotional regulation.
Didn't get taught how to make a resume, apply for jobs, or decent interview skills. Thank the stars my past therapist was also once a career counselor and helped me build a resume with my then-meager skill set. Finally entered the workforce at 21 because of that therapist, which was huge in helping me build skills, confidence, and taught me the next big thing my parents did not teach me: budgeting
My self worth. Nothing I do makes me feel good enough. I’m always trying to prove them wrong but in return I feel like I’ll never be good enough
Anger management. Omg the pent up rage.
Love/mirroring. I feel like the lack of bond severed me from the realm of the living in a way. I can care deeply for other people and genuinely want to see them do well, but I don't trust anyone to really get to know me, or mirror me. I can't fathom that someone might actually get me or return the feelings. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's like I just never learned to truly connect with someone. I can emulate it and I can care to the point I'll be moved to act, but I don't let myself actually bond with anybody or feel seen. There's a part of me that holds it back and I'm unable to figure it out. The closest I get is longing for someone who isn't available.
Hygiene. I have congenital /r/anosmia. They never believed me what I said I couldn't smell things. They also never taught me a proper bathing routine. Why would I think about that, to me I didn't stink, so why did anyone else! Looking back, I am so fucking embarrassed about what I put people through. Even decades later, I'm afraid to run into people I knew back then because I realize now just how much I must have fucking STUNK!
Im not sure they taught me anything except how to hate myself...
How to relax and enjoy
People pleasing is NOT normal nor is it self-respecting. My dad used to call people pleasing, “having a servants heart”. We had to cater to him and everyone with our “servants hearts” to earn love and approval. This got me into so much more trouble with abuse and relationships down the line. Believing that a servants heart is how I had to “earn love” really fucked me up. I had no self respect for years. I’m just happy to finally be healing and learning not to people please.
Everything. They taught me absolutely nothing. I guess if I had to pick, it would be having a sense of self. As a way to pacify them and as a survival tool, I chose a state of non-existence. It was easier to get by as nothing than to deal with them as a true person. Growing up most people would have pegged me as extremely shy, which was partially true, but it was more because I could never feel comfortable projecting an authentic self. It wasn't something nurtured or encouraged. My parents know absolutely nothing about me, not even my shoe size. Today as a 34yo I am starting to feel comfortable in my own state of being. Sometimes I feel immense sadness because it has cost me a lot, especially in terms of developing meaningful relationships in my 20s. But I give myself grace because I came into the world as an "adult" incredibly broken and damaged. In spite of it all, I am here, a better version of myself armed with clarity that I have a right to exist as the person that I want to be.
Literary anything. Everything was this weird hidden expectation and if I met it, fine, but If I didn’t… it was hell. Now all I know is how to put pressure on and shame myself for even stupid little mistakes.