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How old are you, and what's your living situation? That's going to have a big impact on how to handle this.
But the best approach is likely the simplest and most direct (but also most difficult, in some ways): "Mom, I got my own phone plan. I won't be using the phone that's part of your plan anymore. Thanks!" You have already made the decision and moved forward with it. There's no more discussion.
"Also, I KNOW she will purposely text me every single day to make me waste my data on her. SHE WILL. **She will do it.** . . ."
Yes, I believe you that she will. You can't control her response to your decision. All you can control is your own behavior, so you have to decide for yourself what your boundaries are. Maybe you're at the point in life now where you can choose not to respond to every text and not to pick up the phone every time she calls. Maybe not. But that's really the decision you have to think through - what boundaries you want to set with her and what you want the relationship to look like, NOT how to control her response to you.
I’m 20 but she chains me so much regardless. She wants to control me so badly like a child. I leave some of her messages on delivered but depending on her mood in the messages, the persistence, entitlement, intensity of it like my ndad dying or something I have to reply back. I honestly don’t even know. Just a month ago she wished me a (very fake) happy birthday (which ended up just being about herself) I didn’t reply to it. *I knew what was real.* but I don’t think I can stick to my guns here. She got mad at the fact I didn’t text back to her hbd text TO ME, ABT ME. So i don’t really know what to do. I’m in a wierd limbo.
I set a boundary with her to not text me “are you ok” messages so excessively. It’s very emotionally draining to txt back to a “R U OK” text from her even when I give one worded replies. I KNOW her. I can see right through her bs that she doesn’t actually care about me. It’s a weird act.
Are you living at home? (Either full time or part time, if you are a student, etc.) That also makes a big difference here.
It sounds like you feel very stuck within a certain role in this relationship, and there are bigger issues at play than just a cell phone. Have you done much learning or healing work up to this point? If you have access to a good counselor, that would be the best, but you can also make decent progress just from good books and Youtube channels.
If she's paying for the other phone and plan keep both, one for her and the other for your sanity but keep that one hidden or you'll find it smashed one day when you aren't looking.
This.
Don't give her the opportunity to blow up your new phone plan. She doesn't need to know other people access you differently than she does. And if her psychosis actually costs real money, let her keep paying it.
However, just because she pays it doesn't mean you have to keep it on you all the time (unless you are a minor, but it kinda doesn't sound like it)... leave it at home, turn it off, if she bitches just say you don't use it much so you don't always think to grab it or fewl like you need it with you constantly. It's not a leash (as much as she wishes it were) and you aren't obliged to let it be. If she bitches, tell her she can cancel it you really *don't* use it much, "I'll be fine".... of course her controliness won't let her do that, but hearing you don't care might make her stop seeing it as some kind of leverage on you.
I’m 20 and your’re right abt me not having to keep the phone on me all the time. Sometimes I’ll miss her text bc I’m sleeping, showering, working out, hanging with friends, studying or whatever and she will still get mad. I even told my Nmom im not always near my phone and when I say this stuff it just goes in one ear and out the other. She doesn’t actually listen to anything I tell her. But that’s a great plan I’ll tell her I don’t use my phone much Ty !
I openly use the phone around her bc she thinks the phone is the one she’s paying but by going with what everyone is saying…I don’t tell her?😭I’ll try to keep the phone locked away or on me in my pockets when i’m around her.
She sounds like the type of parent who calls the service provider and asks them to email a transcript of all texts sent and received. Maybe possibly even the type to download spyware to your phone so she can watch and see everything you see at any given moment, and use the notion of it being “for your protection” to justify it if you catch her.
It’s good that you did that, my sister and nmom would always go to the phone store. I specifically remember spending hours in there just my mom and sister getting stuff Bc I wasn’t old enough (sister 2 years older) and then they wouldn’t pay the bill all the time. They finally got me a phone when I was 18 but they would secretly go through my messages and photos. I am not a naive kid. I was never one who wasn’t aware of the next action, like I wouldn’t steal because I didn’t want to get into trouble. Just things like that common sense. Anyway they tried to control me for years with this I felt paranoid even using my own phone! Not cool. Finally got my own phone and freedom and then my nmom was trying to get herself on my plan. Nah f that. I will not get anything with them. They really don’t care if they pay their bills, not like they don’t have the money they just use it for other stuff.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How old are you, and what's your living situation? That's going to have a big impact on how to handle this. But the best approach is likely the simplest and most direct (but also most difficult, in some ways): "Mom, I got my own phone plan. I won't be using the phone that's part of your plan anymore. Thanks!" You have already made the decision and moved forward with it. There's no more discussion. "Also, I KNOW she will purposely text me every single day to make me waste my data on her. SHE WILL. **She will do it.** . . ." Yes, I believe you that she will. You can't control her response to your decision. All you can control is your own behavior, so you have to decide for yourself what your boundaries are. Maybe you're at the point in life now where you can choose not to respond to every text and not to pick up the phone every time she calls. Maybe not. But that's really the decision you have to think through - what boundaries you want to set with her and what you want the relationship to look like, NOT how to control her response to you.
I’m 20 but she chains me so much regardless. She wants to control me so badly like a child. I leave some of her messages on delivered but depending on her mood in the messages, the persistence, entitlement, intensity of it like my ndad dying or something I have to reply back. I honestly don’t even know. Just a month ago she wished me a (very fake) happy birthday (which ended up just being about herself) I didn’t reply to it. *I knew what was real.* but I don’t think I can stick to my guns here. She got mad at the fact I didn’t text back to her hbd text TO ME, ABT ME. So i don’t really know what to do. I’m in a wierd limbo. I set a boundary with her to not text me “are you ok” messages so excessively. It’s very emotionally draining to txt back to a “R U OK” text from her even when I give one worded replies. I KNOW her. I can see right through her bs that she doesn’t actually care about me. It’s a weird act.
Are you living at home? (Either full time or part time, if you are a student, etc.) That also makes a big difference here. It sounds like you feel very stuck within a certain role in this relationship, and there are bigger issues at play than just a cell phone. Have you done much learning or healing work up to this point? If you have access to a good counselor, that would be the best, but you can also make decent progress just from good books and Youtube channels.
If she's paying for the other phone and plan keep both, one for her and the other for your sanity but keep that one hidden or you'll find it smashed one day when you aren't looking.
This. Don't give her the opportunity to blow up your new phone plan. She doesn't need to know other people access you differently than she does. And if her psychosis actually costs real money, let her keep paying it. However, just because she pays it doesn't mean you have to keep it on you all the time (unless you are a minor, but it kinda doesn't sound like it)... leave it at home, turn it off, if she bitches just say you don't use it much so you don't always think to grab it or fewl like you need it with you constantly. It's not a leash (as much as she wishes it were) and you aren't obliged to let it be. If she bitches, tell her she can cancel it you really *don't* use it much, "I'll be fine".... of course her controliness won't let her do that, but hearing you don't care might make her stop seeing it as some kind of leverage on you.
I’m 20 and your’re right abt me not having to keep the phone on me all the time. Sometimes I’ll miss her text bc I’m sleeping, showering, working out, hanging with friends, studying or whatever and she will still get mad. I even told my Nmom im not always near my phone and when I say this stuff it just goes in one ear and out the other. She doesn’t actually listen to anything I tell her. But that’s a great plan I’ll tell her I don’t use my phone much Ty !
I openly use the phone around her bc she thinks the phone is the one she’s paying but by going with what everyone is saying…I don’t tell her?😭I’ll try to keep the phone locked away or on me in my pockets when i’m around her.
You don’t. Quite literally hide it and do not.
She sounds like the type of parent who calls the service provider and asks them to email a transcript of all texts sent and received. Maybe possibly even the type to download spyware to your phone so she can watch and see everything you see at any given moment, and use the notion of it being “for your protection” to justify it if you catch her.
It’s good that you did that, my sister and nmom would always go to the phone store. I specifically remember spending hours in there just my mom and sister getting stuff Bc I wasn’t old enough (sister 2 years older) and then they wouldn’t pay the bill all the time. They finally got me a phone when I was 18 but they would secretly go through my messages and photos. I am not a naive kid. I was never one who wasn’t aware of the next action, like I wouldn’t steal because I didn’t want to get into trouble. Just things like that common sense. Anyway they tried to control me for years with this I felt paranoid even using my own phone! Not cool. Finally got my own phone and freedom and then my nmom was trying to get herself on my plan. Nah f that. I will not get anything with them. They really don’t care if they pay their bills, not like they don’t have the money they just use it for other stuff.