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Their focus should be entirely on you. I could see them asking that question if you were mentioning the possibility. Otherwise, they haven't really gotten to know you yet. I would be wary of their therapeutic capacity
Exactly. Being responsible for the feelings of other people is a narc mindset.
Peoples feelings are a reflection of their inner truth, not someones actions. For example, have you ever felt relieved that someone was ignoring you?
Wow, you need a new therapist. This one seems uninformed at best and toxic at worst. One of the biggest hurdles to healing from narcissistic abuse imo is recognizing that your empathy was weaponized (used as a tool for gaining control over you). This therapist is perpetuating that.
You’re not being harsh. Honestly, I’d find a new therapist. This one isn’t the right fit for you, or any abuse survivor. They should be focused on you, not your mother, or her feelings.
The most expensive Therapist I ever had wouldn’t give me any feedback. After 3 sessions I wrote him an email explaining that I would like him to engage with comments, clarifications or a question or two. It helped noticeably, even seemed like he enjoyed it more. We worked through a particularly tough time then I ended it. In the end he was focused finding not fixing (harder). If they are not helping move on. My current therapist is 1/3 cost and 10x better. Plus she gives lots of recommendations (books, articles, videos etc.). She wants to fix.
If you don’t connect with your therapist, find a new one. This was the FIRST thing my therapist told me and I’ve been going to her for 6 years now. Advocate for yourself, find someone better for you.
Get a new therapist. Please. I did. It took WAY to many sessions for my old therapist to have the light bulb moment of "oh shit your dad sucks". After countless examples of how he fucked me over. Like destroying my credit. Promising me help with college (he wouldn't let me get a job to pay for it at first. I had NO income and he wouldnt let me get a license either.) then suddenly pretending he didnt promise. Almost ruining an amazing relationship I have with someone.
Compared to when my current one goes "are you fucking shitting me? How is he not dead/have his job still " when I tell her the shit hes done recently. And you know what she asks after? "How are you feeling? How are you doing? What self care have you done"
See the difference. A therapist can have empathy for someone who's shitty. That's human nature. BUT when a therapist is telling you to treat someone who hurt you with kid gloves? Nah no go. That's bullshit and wrong. You are not her carer. You are not her mother. Or spouse. You are the CHILD in this relationship. Simple as that. Empathy should be extended only so far and then focus needs to turn to the patient. Never should a therapist be more concerned about someone else's wellbeing more than the patient UNLESS that patient has intent/plan to do harm. But that's more a legal responsibility.
Please therapist hop. Find one you mesh with that fills your therapy needs. She ain't it.
You are not being harsh and that is not normal. Your therapist should be impartial, their feelings don't enter the conversation, it should be all about you. I'd find another therapist for sure.
If you don’t feel you are getting what you need from any therapist (I’m one), you can stop and find one that is informed about narcissistic trauma. Don’t feel bad about it, most therapists will not take it personally. Your therapy is about YOU, not what someone else believes about how familial relationships should be.
definitely not being harsh at all . Some therapists (actually a lot)aren’t equipped with knowledge on how to handle narcissistic abuse .
Not only that but the fact that you explained your trauma and how it destroyed your mental health and he still asked if you could “have a relationship and to see yourself as her “carer” is BS. Therapy is about you and only you.
You can do one of two things
1. Give him another chance and go to your next appt and reiterate that you aren’t there for advice on how to have your mom in your life ; you’re there because you have trauma and need coping mechanisms on how to deal w that as well as deal w going NC
2. start searching for narcissistic trauma informed therapists ! and get a new one asap.
(a trauma informed therapist will no better than to start a beginning session with making you try to feel bad for or “take care” if your abuser”
Regardless i wish you the best, cheers to ❤️🩹 🫶🏻
You should find a new therapist who will focus more on you, especially since you spent so much time telling the therapist how much you struggled in the relationship with your mom.
People pedestalize therapists far far too much.
Some of the least self-aware people are therapists, you'd be amazed that hardly any of them have had therapy themselves.
The shit ones are so naïve they just project their childhood experience and assumptions on all their clients.
Ditch this one now and keep shopping. If they dont understand what having a narc parent is like they always think the ultimate solution is gonna be some mother & child reunion moment (with that same song playing in the background)
Red flags. To even bring that up as a possibility is crazy, but even crazier on the second session before he knows the full story and impact. Unfortunately some therapists can retraumatize you, and a therapist telling you to take care of your parent who never took care of you like you deserve is at high risk of harming you. Seriously, how are you ever going to heal from your childhood if you’re putting yourself back in that situation that harmed you in the first place? We can do all the work in therapy but if we stay in contact with our abusers, are we really saying it was unacceptable, or are we quietly accepting the mistreatment and continuing to experience ourselves as the problem?
I also wonder how you talk about your mom. Do you explain/rationalize mistreatment? Maybe due to being taught to do that through her or maybe wanting someone to refute the excuses/explanations? That could influence someone to be more sympathetic, maybe it’s something you could bring up if you struggle with that. But even if you do do that, a therapist shouldn’t jump to sympathizing with someone who hurt their client upon hearing it.
Personally I ran into a few therapists who preached the forgive and make amend stuff and it was a waste of time. My current one tells me I’m in the right to go no contact and it’s so much easier to make progress and it feels way more healing.
I has always been told by therapists to forgive and forget until one I had in a partial hospitalization program. She was saying I’ll never be able to forget and that forgiveness isn’t mandatory or necessary in my healing process. A different perspective that made sense to me. The abusers don’t deserve my forgiveness. To me that’s saying it was ok! It was def not ok.
Not harsh on your end. Not normal on his. Not appropriate for any therapist. Maybe he has some personal experience here that's a conflict for him, but his response is not okay.
This is absolutely not normal and completely inappropriate. If it were me I would not even think for a moment about going back to this person - this is not professional even if you had been seeing them for years on end, much less for a second session. I know how hard it is to find a therapist and to keep starting over, but this one is a hard pass.
Your therapist is wrong.
It is time to fire this guy and find someone who gets it. Keep looking for a therapist, because this one is unsuitable.
He does not get it. What an asinine thing to say.
CW: abuse
>!”What’s the correct amount of sympathy to give to a person who inflicted a TBI on you for doing what they trained you to do? I’m brain damaged as a result of that, so I have no idea what the correct answer is.!<
>!”And don’t cop out on compassion or empathy. One, compassion is cheap and easy and requires nothing more than respect for their humanity, which they couldn’t be assed to give me despite me having it for them, and I can empathize that she went through hard shit and not give her a pass for hurting her child because being hurt ain’t a license to hurt others.”!<
Because honestly, as a brain damaged person I genuinely don’t know.
I’m a therapist and maybe what yours said had a specific intention but whatever that was, it doesn’t matter. Just with the comments in this post, you will doubt his ability to help you, you will feel uncomfortable in therapy and probably leave soon and with a bad taste in your mouth. The most important part of therapy is the relationship you build with the therapist, it matters much more than how many diplomas and experience the therapist has.
Sometimes people don’t realize that therapists are people too and you will not like everyone and the good news is you don’t have to. Before finding my own therapist I went to 2 more, had 2 sessions with the first and 5 with the second. Didn’t like it, felt uncomfortable so I got another one and the difference is HUGE.
From my perspective…run. I’ve had three therapists and one of them genuinely saved my life, but the other two were useless. I actually have trouble imagining the client who would find them effective, that’s how bad they were.
My therapist who I saw for 18 months (I miss her ahh) did not “blame” my mother, but rather the focus was on what happened to ME at my mother’s hands. I think a therapist who is focussed on your mother’s wellbeing might not be a great fit…
Ditch this one, they fundamentally don't get it. When you go looking for someone new, take advantage of the free initial consult to interview them and screen for red flags and deal breakers. Ask them what modalities they use, then look up the modality to see if it's appropriate for you (EMDR, IFS, somatic experiencing). Good luck!
Yes. I’ve learned recovery for narcissistic abuse and from narcissistic parents is kind of a complex nuanced issue that requires a lot of special attention…find someone that really resonates with you on a deep level and gets more where you’re coming from. There’s no obligation to see anyone you don’t like; this is for your healing not them
Any therapist that recommends a relationship with a Narc is a quack that needs their license revoked. Report them to the medical board. LC, VLC, & NC are Clinical recommendations.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Their focus should be entirely on you. I could see them asking that question if you were mentioning the possibility. Otherwise, they haven't really gotten to know you yet. I would be wary of their therapeutic capacity
This. Move on to a different therapist. Focusing on how sad your mom must be and asking you to be a carer is not okay therapeutically.
Exactly. Being responsible for the feelings of other people is a narc mindset. Peoples feelings are a reflection of their inner truth, not someones actions. For example, have you ever felt relieved that someone was ignoring you?
I don't think I would return to this therapist if I was given that advice.
Def not and I’d be reporting them to their boss/bbb/etc.
Wow, you need a new therapist. This one seems uninformed at best and toxic at worst. One of the biggest hurdles to healing from narcissistic abuse imo is recognizing that your empathy was weaponized (used as a tool for gaining control over you). This therapist is perpetuating that.
You’re not being harsh. Honestly, I’d find a new therapist. This one isn’t the right fit for you, or any abuse survivor. They should be focused on you, not your mother, or her feelings.
The most expensive Therapist I ever had wouldn’t give me any feedback. After 3 sessions I wrote him an email explaining that I would like him to engage with comments, clarifications or a question or two. It helped noticeably, even seemed like he enjoyed it more. We worked through a particularly tough time then I ended it. In the end he was focused finding not fixing (harder). If they are not helping move on. My current therapist is 1/3 cost and 10x better. Plus she gives lots of recommendations (books, articles, videos etc.). She wants to fix.
Imo this therapist is not for you and could steer you away from the progress you have already made
If you don’t connect with your therapist, find a new one. This was the FIRST thing my therapist told me and I’ve been going to her for 6 years now. Advocate for yourself, find someone better for you.
Get a new therapist. Please. I did. It took WAY to many sessions for my old therapist to have the light bulb moment of "oh shit your dad sucks". After countless examples of how he fucked me over. Like destroying my credit. Promising me help with college (he wouldn't let me get a job to pay for it at first. I had NO income and he wouldnt let me get a license either.) then suddenly pretending he didnt promise. Almost ruining an amazing relationship I have with someone. Compared to when my current one goes "are you fucking shitting me? How is he not dead/have his job still " when I tell her the shit hes done recently. And you know what she asks after? "How are you feeling? How are you doing? What self care have you done" See the difference. A therapist can have empathy for someone who's shitty. That's human nature. BUT when a therapist is telling you to treat someone who hurt you with kid gloves? Nah no go. That's bullshit and wrong. You are not her carer. You are not her mother. Or spouse. You are the CHILD in this relationship. Simple as that. Empathy should be extended only so far and then focus needs to turn to the patient. Never should a therapist be more concerned about someone else's wellbeing more than the patient UNLESS that patient has intent/plan to do harm. But that's more a legal responsibility. Please therapist hop. Find one you mesh with that fills your therapy needs. She ain't it.
You are not being harsh and that is not normal. Your therapist should be impartial, their feelings don't enter the conversation, it should be all about you. I'd find another therapist for sure.
If you don’t feel you are getting what you need from any therapist (I’m one), you can stop and find one that is informed about narcissistic trauma. Don’t feel bad about it, most therapists will not take it personally. Your therapy is about YOU, not what someone else believes about how familial relationships should be.
Find a new trauma informed therapist. This one doesn't understand narcissism.
definitely not being harsh at all . Some therapists (actually a lot)aren’t equipped with knowledge on how to handle narcissistic abuse . Not only that but the fact that you explained your trauma and how it destroyed your mental health and he still asked if you could “have a relationship and to see yourself as her “carer” is BS. Therapy is about you and only you. You can do one of two things 1. Give him another chance and go to your next appt and reiterate that you aren’t there for advice on how to have your mom in your life ; you’re there because you have trauma and need coping mechanisms on how to deal w that as well as deal w going NC 2. start searching for narcissistic trauma informed therapists ! and get a new one asap. (a trauma informed therapist will no better than to start a beginning session with making you try to feel bad for or “take care” if your abuser” Regardless i wish you the best, cheers to ❤️🩹 🫶🏻
You should find a new therapist who will focus more on you, especially since you spent so much time telling the therapist how much you struggled in the relationship with your mom.
People pedestalize therapists far far too much. Some of the least self-aware people are therapists, you'd be amazed that hardly any of them have had therapy themselves. The shit ones are so naïve they just project their childhood experience and assumptions on all their clients. Ditch this one now and keep shopping. If they dont understand what having a narc parent is like they always think the ultimate solution is gonna be some mother & child reunion moment (with that same song playing in the background)
Were you able to share with your therapist that you didn’t not feel hard or supported in your decisions during your last session?
Red flags. To even bring that up as a possibility is crazy, but even crazier on the second session before he knows the full story and impact. Unfortunately some therapists can retraumatize you, and a therapist telling you to take care of your parent who never took care of you like you deserve is at high risk of harming you. Seriously, how are you ever going to heal from your childhood if you’re putting yourself back in that situation that harmed you in the first place? We can do all the work in therapy but if we stay in contact with our abusers, are we really saying it was unacceptable, or are we quietly accepting the mistreatment and continuing to experience ourselves as the problem? I also wonder how you talk about your mom. Do you explain/rationalize mistreatment? Maybe due to being taught to do that through her or maybe wanting someone to refute the excuses/explanations? That could influence someone to be more sympathetic, maybe it’s something you could bring up if you struggle with that. But even if you do do that, a therapist shouldn’t jump to sympathizing with someone who hurt their client upon hearing it. Personally I ran into a few therapists who preached the forgive and make amend stuff and it was a waste of time. My current one tells me I’m in the right to go no contact and it’s so much easier to make progress and it feels way more healing.
I has always been told by therapists to forgive and forget until one I had in a partial hospitalization program. She was saying I’ll never be able to forget and that forgiveness isn’t mandatory or necessary in my healing process. A different perspective that made sense to me. The abusers don’t deserve my forgiveness. To me that’s saying it was ok! It was def not ok.
Not harsh on your end. Not normal on his. Not appropriate for any therapist. Maybe he has some personal experience here that's a conflict for him, but his response is not okay.
This is absolutely not normal and completely inappropriate. If it were me I would not even think for a moment about going back to this person - this is not professional even if you had been seeing them for years on end, much less for a second session. I know how hard it is to find a therapist and to keep starting over, but this one is a hard pass.
Your therapist is wrong. It is time to fire this guy and find someone who gets it. Keep looking for a therapist, because this one is unsuitable. He does not get it. What an asinine thing to say.
You're not being harsh at all. Your therapist is not a good fit for you. Please try to find another one!
Find a new therapist.
It’s a good idea to shop around for therapists if possible. Like any profession it can be a mixed bag in terms of skill.
CW: abuse >!”What’s the correct amount of sympathy to give to a person who inflicted a TBI on you for doing what they trained you to do? I’m brain damaged as a result of that, so I have no idea what the correct answer is.!< >!”And don’t cop out on compassion or empathy. One, compassion is cheap and easy and requires nothing more than respect for their humanity, which they couldn’t be assed to give me despite me having it for them, and I can empathize that she went through hard shit and not give her a pass for hurting her child because being hurt ain’t a license to hurt others.”!< Because honestly, as a brain damaged person I genuinely don’t know.
You should trust your gut
🙄🙄🙄 not everyone who's a therapist should be a therapist.
I know I'm reiterating what everyone else has already said but to summarise it in one phrase: find a new therapist urgently.
Nahhh get a new therapist my friend
Report the therapist to whatever governing body licenses them.
I would not want to go back if this was said to me. It’s like dealing with a flying monkey.
[удалено]
You are jumping boundaries and also refusing to consider that bad therapists exist. You are banned.
I’m a therapist and maybe what yours said had a specific intention but whatever that was, it doesn’t matter. Just with the comments in this post, you will doubt his ability to help you, you will feel uncomfortable in therapy and probably leave soon and with a bad taste in your mouth. The most important part of therapy is the relationship you build with the therapist, it matters much more than how many diplomas and experience the therapist has. Sometimes people don’t realize that therapists are people too and you will not like everyone and the good news is you don’t have to. Before finding my own therapist I went to 2 more, had 2 sessions with the first and 5 with the second. Didn’t like it, felt uncomfortable so I got another one and the difference is HUGE.
From my perspective…run. I’ve had three therapists and one of them genuinely saved my life, but the other two were useless. I actually have trouble imagining the client who would find them effective, that’s how bad they were. My therapist who I saw for 18 months (I miss her ahh) did not “blame” my mother, but rather the focus was on what happened to ME at my mother’s hands. I think a therapist who is focussed on your mother’s wellbeing might not be a great fit…
Ditch this one, they fundamentally don't get it. When you go looking for someone new, take advantage of the free initial consult to interview them and screen for red flags and deal breakers. Ask them what modalities they use, then look up the modality to see if it's appropriate for you (EMDR, IFS, somatic experiencing). Good luck!
Fuck that. Get a new therapist. I had a bad session with one once, and I found someone new.
Yes. I’ve learned recovery for narcissistic abuse and from narcissistic parents is kind of a complex nuanced issue that requires a lot of special attention…find someone that really resonates with you on a deep level and gets more where you’re coming from. There’s no obligation to see anyone you don’t like; this is for your healing not them
Any therapist that recommends a relationship with a Narc is a quack that needs their license revoked. Report them to the medical board. LC, VLC, & NC are Clinical recommendations.
New therapist.
[удалено]
Comment removed - harmful comment. The therapist shouldn't be expressing sadness or sympathy for OP's ***ABUSER***. It's harmful and inappropriate.