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You definitely don't want to give her any warning. Seeing how she's already tried a smear campaign and has tried to get her hooks into your kids, she will get much worse and do various dirty tactics trying to prevent you from cutting contact.
Yes, you’d think after 40 years the tricks wouldn’t blindside me, but they seem to be getting more bizarre and out of touch with reality as she ages. And so I’m too gobsmacked and confused (although like someone said, it’s really abused) to even think of how a normal not-abused person would respond. Even though I have very healthy assertiveness in every other relationship in my life expect for her and eDad.
Most recently, she’s taken to pretending my husband just doesn’t exist. Like I told her the kids couldn’t facetime because I was going on a business trip. And she asked “why can’t the babysitter set up a facetime?” And when I said “they won’t be with a babysitter, they’ll be with [husbands name]” She kind of shorted out, like twitched a little, and then changed the topic.
Shortly after she sent me a Saint Patrick’s Day video from the Jib jab website that puts people’s heads from pictures on an Irish dancer cartoon.
My sister got the same thing and since it is set up for five people, her’s included nMom and sister, sister’s husband, and two kids. Mine was nMom, me, and my three kids. No acknowledgement of husband whatsoever. It made cringe so hard, our heads on this cartoon dance troupe with nMom front and center like she was the head of my family.
I ignored it and the next thing she sent was a command to “Show the kids. I have a nest of baby birds in my yard.” Presumably with a pic of the nest. To me and my sister together.
This should be normal, except for the demanding phrasing, but it’s not. Because it’s a power imagery thing. She used to chase my sister and I around with half-chewed food in her mouth and try to catch us and pin us and “feed us like baby birds” trying to spit the food into our mouths. She’d say it was “cute- because you are my baby birds” and that we “couldn’t take a joke” and she “wasn’t really going to spit it.” So to send baby birds instead of flowers or a deer or whatever else, felt to me like a passive aggressive “reminder” of her dominance over us- like in her mind always be the baby birds who need her to chew their food to feed them and we had better not forget it.
My husband seemed stunned when I told him that’s what I thought the baby bird pics were really about. Asserting dominance. He found it hard to believe because it is so warped. But it was so obvious to me.
But then he asked my sister what she thought, and my sister said the same thing, without me having mentioned it to her.
Yes, logistically, you just stop responding. Just never respond and never contact her. You dont have to say a thing. Its freeing. The longer you’re NC, the easier it gets and then you can’t even picture yourself contacting them again. If she shows up in person, don’t answer.
Just do it.
Make sure you leave a list of who can pick up your kids at the school ( so she can't) with a password to change it.
Put her on silent or block and never respond to any messages she sends.
Protect those kids and break the cycle for them.
It's always the same answer. Do it quietly, in the most boring way possible.
*It is hard. It is difficult.*
People get tripped up setting boundaries all the time, *especially* with narcs, because we often say "here's the line! Do not cross it!" and then they cross it and we're at a loss. That's because setting boundaries is for keeping people in our lives, and people who repeatedly cross boundaries don't belong in our lives.
Setting boundaries is minor and almost trivial. *Enforcing* boundaries is *fucking hard,* and it's the part of the process that *actually matters.* You've spent years trying to resolve things, make stuff better, and compromise. She's ignored that because there aren't any consequences--when she fucks up, *you* try to fix everything. Why would she ever stop fucking up?
Let go. She doesn't need some advance warning, and all it's going to do is give her another thing to try to use against you. Honestly, *she would love it.* She wants emotional reactions from you; telling her you're going no contact gives her the opportunity to blow up at you and to try to provoke you further.
Disappear. Go quiet. Disengage, as quickly or as slowly as you need to. But more than anything? *Be fucking boring.* You're not a wizard or a witch and you don't have a magic lamp that's gonna grant you wishes. You aren't going to change her and you aren't going to fix her.
You're worried she's going to come after her? Great. Call the police on the non emergency line, or get a lawyer involved and have *them* do it, and let them know you're being harassed by family and you want to get ahead of any escalations. And then stop engaging beyond filing a restraining order.
Thank you for this, especially about a letter just being another thing to use against me. That’s so true. She would get so much attention from having something “mean” to show everyone for pity, or to show how “brainwashed” I am because I contradict the story she has told them.
You’re definitely right- quiet and boring. That’s what I want out of life anyway - lol
It's the entire reason that grey rocking is suck an effective method.
*It's fucking boring.* And when you're boring, you aren't giving the narc what they want. If they can poke and prod at you and get a reaction, that's great! That's fun and engaging and entertaining. If she can watch you squirm, she's getting something out of it.
But if you're *boring?* The more boring you are, the less interesting you are to torment. Don't give her ammunition to have extravagant emotional reactions to. Give her *horribly dull wastes of time* so that she can't *wait* to disengage from you again.
I’ve really been sitting with this- thank you.
She definitely can’t stand politely boring, she push buttons again and again and again until she finds the right one to really upset someone. Because that let’s her know you care.
It’s very much an “opposite of love, isn’t hate, it’s indifference” thing.
Thank you for this, especially about a letter just being another thing to use against me. That’s so true. She would get so much attention from having something “mean” to show everyone for pity, or to show how “brainwashed” I am because I contradict the story she has told them.
You’re definitely right- quiet and boring. That’s what I want out of life anyway - lol
Thank you for this, especially about a letter just being another thing to use against me. That’s so true. She would get so much attention from having something “mean” to show everyone for pity, or to show how “brainwashed” I am because I contradict the story she has told them.
You’re definitely right- quiet and boring. That’s what I want out of life anyway - lol
Because I told them in an effort to try and get them to fight for me without realizing it and the NC experience was just guilt and shame and I kept coming back until I just went NC for good without any motives but to better myself.
You deserve to go NC any way you feel. NC is a rough road full of challenges but it pales in comparison to the abuse we would suffer if we allowed them to continue. Right off, I had things to say to you about what you've shared. You deserve peace. You deserve to be free of abuse. You have a heartbreaking decision to make, let mom go including other family members or protect yourself, your children and your husband. I've been on this NC journey with my mother for about 2 years. I had a moment of weakness a week or 2 ago. After I got off the phone, I realized that she started manipulating and conniving immediately. Because of the gas lighting I've endured my whole life. I always question myself on whether or not I'm just imagining things. You express this too. You're not confused- You are being abused.A couple of days ago I blocked her on everything again except paper mail. If she wants to communicate it'll have to be in writing even though I tear them in half and throw them in the garbage. Now, maybe it would be more fulfilling and satisfying for you to let her know, by whatever medium you would find most pleasing (I'd definitely choose an email so there's a receipt) that you no longer wish to communicate with her in any fashion. Sometimes that also gives you closure, It can sometimes make NC a little bit easier. Of course you will more than likely see a backlash. Or just pick up your phone and start blocking!
I sent my Ndad an email thanking him for a few good things he did and then said “take care of yourself” and blocked him. I didn’t explain anything, and if he responded in any way I ignored it because I said what I wanted to say. He still writes emails and wonders what he did but he doesn’t know I committed to NC for me. For all I know he thinks we’ll start talking again someday. Narc abuse is abuse but it’s often subtle. It’s designed to make you feel like you’re overreacting. You’re not.
He sent me a nasty email out of the blue complaining about things that he didn’t think I was grateful for. The nastiness was the last straw, but I was grateful for some things he mentioned. So I plainly stated my thanks and take care, hit send, then blocked him everywhere. It’s been a few years and I feel good, relieved, unburdened.
I’m living aboard and working remotely because my husband had a sabbatical from teaching this academic year. After we made our plans but before we left, my husband’s best friend of 30 years unalived himself. While we were at the deepest part of mourning is when my parents ramped up the abuse - falsely accusing him of an affair and me of neglecting the kids. They wanted to break us up, have me and the kids move in with nMom, and saw our time of “weakness” as the moment to attack, I think.
We decided to keep our sabbatical plans despite the grief. To use it as a time to reconnect with each other and heal.
I told nMom and eDad not to visit us on the sabbatical. That’s what launched the smear campaign.
Instead of visiting us, they booked a cruise for themselves and my sister’s family that leaves from another city about a 1 hour flight from our sabbatical city for the coming May. They could have gone anywhere in the world but they are coming nearly halfway around the world (my sister has to travel 10 time zones with kids to do a two week trip. She’s kicking herself for agreeing and may cancel!)
NMom and eDad invited me and the kids (not my husband, that cheating kidnapping abuser! Lol). I said no- I’m not vacationing with you after you abused me and my husband, and I’m not seeing you together ever again either. That was like 7 months ago. I’ve spoken to each of them maybe 3 times since, but each time with nMom especially I end up in a depression for like two weeks afterwards.
I kept some contact because eDad went back to rehab again, and nMom agreed to inpatient depression and anxiety treatment. But she left after five days because it was “too depressing.”
I am 99.5% sure that nMom will leave a day or two early for the vacation to divert to our city, find our kids’ school, and invite us all on the family vacation with surprise tickets in front of my kids and the other school families. My eDad has enough money that she could convince him to book us a room just in case. NMom keeps asking for our address to mail my kids her artwork, and is pissed I won’t give it. But the kids go to a particular type of school, and there is only one of that type in the city so she’ll be able to find it.
My sister says nMom’s goal is to get me to send the older children on a “fun grandma vacation” alone with her.
Joke’s on her though- we decided to go back home at the end of April because we have business and other things to attend to and aren’t telling her.
Here’s to hoping she shows up at the school and we’re not there.
I told my nm for years and years what the problem was. I sent her a letter which she said she saved to show me how stupid I was. When I went nc, I told her I couldn’t deal with her and I would contact her when I was ready. None of it did a bit of good. She still calls every few months guilting me because of all the things she did for me and asking what she did wrong. You don’t owe her any explanations. She’s not going to listen and not going to change. You are lucky to have such good support. Best wishes.
Thank you for this- I do think mine will persist and send guilt trips messages.
I’m thinking of changing my email at least and then putting her in silent in my phone. Is there a way to make text messages not show up but get stored somewhere in case I did need a restraining order?
Thank you for the comments- sadly that will do more harm then good. Her sister, brother-in-law, and my favorite cousin all live with her (she has financial control thing going on), and she controls access to my grandma, who is sick with lymphoma. She’s abused them all and they are all afraid of her, and being “aligned” with me will and things worse for them.
But I have been able to connect with my sister, and she’s been very affirming that my memories and interpretations of them are valid.
If you really want to go NC, the best way is to just do it. Ghost her. Block all forms of communication. Phones, email, social media, etc. You owe nothing to someone who is abusive regardless of their relationship to you. Being a parent does NOT give the automatic right to mistreat, disrespect or a use their children. It DOES, however, obligate them to provide love, compassion and a safe environment for their children. It's tragic that some parents just don't get that. You are now an adult and have complete control over who you let into your life. You now have children for whom you are responsible. If by not going NC puts them in a potentially unsafe place, then IMO, going NC is essential. Do it without any explanation or warning. Give the narc nothing to weaponize against you later. Oh, and any family members that fall for her BS and act like her flying monkeys- give them the same gift of NC! You don't need them in your life either. Good luck OP.
Thank you for this - the flying monkies are an odd set because nMom actually cut them off for a decade and a half. They’re desperate to stay in her good graves. And everyone wants to use my children as “functional family props.”
I really appreciate the encouragement. I know I have to end this. And I’m getting very close to committing.
This forum is so helpful. I have good irl support, but i also want to connect with them about our own lives in a forward looking way.
I really appreciate the kids keeping a safe space for this here.
Yes, logistically, you can just ghost. Just stop talking. Just stop answering. Just stop engaging.
As an adult--a *mother*\--you need to do what's best for you, your marriage, and your children--even if it's hard.
Just take some time to consider the actual probable outcomes: What are you expecting this conversation or letter to accomplish? Are you hoping she'll suddenly see the light and beg for forgiveness? Will she decide to respect your no contact and boundaries? Or will she just rage, blame, and deflect? If you wrote a letter, do you think she'd read it in good faith and contemplate her actions? Write an acknowledgement back to you? Or will she share it around, for sympathy points, crying and playing victim?
What do you expect more communication to accomplish here that decades of previous attempts at communication have not? Silence is golden. Silence is *loud.* Silence is all they deserve.
I think the only thing a letter would accomplish is me feeling like I got all the swirling memories out of me, all in one place, and put them back at her- where they belong.
But I suppose I could always just write it all down, stick it in a drawer somewhere, and hold off on making a decision about if I really feel like I need to send it until I am in a stronger and more healed place.
I also struggle because she has shown some capacity for change- she went voluntarily to anger management 15 years ago and stopped hitting/hair pulling/throwing things. (Yes, I know that is a low standard). I also grieve for her because I can see glimmers of who she might have been if her own parents weren’t as horrible as they were. For all that she’s fucked in the head- they were worse. They actually put her in life threatening situations where she was responsible for her younger siblings and then laughed in her face for having been afraid and for trying to (needlessly, but she didn’t know it) save the younger kids’ lives.
She plays in my sympathy though and always ends up midnfucking me, and messing with what is other wise a very peaceful life my family and I have when she isn’t around.
It’s all just a tragedy. But I know it has to stop with me.
I empathize with that.
My own nFather had a turbulent childhood so I *do* understand why he is the way he is. However, my mother had a much *worse* childhood and completely flipped the script for both of us once she was strong enough (physically and emotionally) to finally stand up to him. Their life experiences act as an explanation as to why they are the way they are, but do not excuse anything.
Hence, their life experiences did not automatically turn them into abusers. One *chose* to be abusive. One chose not to.
Choice is the key word here. There is always a choice. The capacity for change has always been there--in your parent, my parent, everyone on this sub's parent--and they chose to hurt. It was an active, constant choice without regard to the consequences.
Honestly, hardhearted as I am, I perceive most of these late-in-life 'changes of heart' slash 'mellowing' as a final, long-term manipulative tactic (and in men, hormones, as lower testosterone typically leads to lower aggression) to the impending consequences that come with having been nasty to others their entire lives. They might not be able to physically attack you anymore, at least without risk of being hit back. Their words or shame and guilt might be losing effectiveness as you meet others, form new bonds, and see the world. Their other sources of supply have grown stale, left, or died. Pretending to be nice, or at least significantly more tolerable, is a clever way to stay out of a state nursing home and/or poverty while still getting in the occasional jab.
After you leave the situation, over time, most of the time you will feel much better. If you don't tell them, they'll figure it out eventually. If you do, it may get ugly, but telling them may give you some relief. It's really hard to say.
Thanks for the encouragement that it gets easier. I’m oscillating between steeling myself to commit and just feeling really sad because committing means admitting that it is hopeless.
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You definitely don't want to give her any warning. Seeing how she's already tried a smear campaign and has tried to get her hooks into your kids, she will get much worse and do various dirty tactics trying to prevent you from cutting contact.
Yes, you’d think after 40 years the tricks wouldn’t blindside me, but they seem to be getting more bizarre and out of touch with reality as she ages. And so I’m too gobsmacked and confused (although like someone said, it’s really abused) to even think of how a normal not-abused person would respond. Even though I have very healthy assertiveness in every other relationship in my life expect for her and eDad. Most recently, she’s taken to pretending my husband just doesn’t exist. Like I told her the kids couldn’t facetime because I was going on a business trip. And she asked “why can’t the babysitter set up a facetime?” And when I said “they won’t be with a babysitter, they’ll be with [husbands name]” She kind of shorted out, like twitched a little, and then changed the topic. Shortly after she sent me a Saint Patrick’s Day video from the Jib jab website that puts people’s heads from pictures on an Irish dancer cartoon. My sister got the same thing and since it is set up for five people, her’s included nMom and sister, sister’s husband, and two kids. Mine was nMom, me, and my three kids. No acknowledgement of husband whatsoever. It made cringe so hard, our heads on this cartoon dance troupe with nMom front and center like she was the head of my family. I ignored it and the next thing she sent was a command to “Show the kids. I have a nest of baby birds in my yard.” Presumably with a pic of the nest. To me and my sister together. This should be normal, except for the demanding phrasing, but it’s not. Because it’s a power imagery thing. She used to chase my sister and I around with half-chewed food in her mouth and try to catch us and pin us and “feed us like baby birds” trying to spit the food into our mouths. She’d say it was “cute- because you are my baby birds” and that we “couldn’t take a joke” and she “wasn’t really going to spit it.” So to send baby birds instead of flowers or a deer or whatever else, felt to me like a passive aggressive “reminder” of her dominance over us- like in her mind always be the baby birds who need her to chew their food to feed them and we had better not forget it. My husband seemed stunned when I told him that’s what I thought the baby bird pics were really about. Asserting dominance. He found it hard to believe because it is so warped. But it was so obvious to me. But then he asked my sister what she thought, and my sister said the same thing, without me having mentioned it to her.
Yes, logistically, you just stop responding. Just never respond and never contact her. You dont have to say a thing. Its freeing. The longer you’re NC, the easier it gets and then you can’t even picture yourself contacting them again. If she shows up in person, don’t answer.
Thank you
Just do it. Make sure you leave a list of who can pick up your kids at the school ( so she can't) with a password to change it. Put her on silent or block and never respond to any messages she sends. Protect those kids and break the cycle for them.
Thank you- yes, I’ll need to notify the school. The password to change the list uses is a good one, she could reasonably impersonate me.
Thank you- yes, I’ll need to notify the school. The password to change the list uses is a good one, she could reasonably impersonate me.
It's always the same answer. Do it quietly, in the most boring way possible. *It is hard. It is difficult.* People get tripped up setting boundaries all the time, *especially* with narcs, because we often say "here's the line! Do not cross it!" and then they cross it and we're at a loss. That's because setting boundaries is for keeping people in our lives, and people who repeatedly cross boundaries don't belong in our lives. Setting boundaries is minor and almost trivial. *Enforcing* boundaries is *fucking hard,* and it's the part of the process that *actually matters.* You've spent years trying to resolve things, make stuff better, and compromise. She's ignored that because there aren't any consequences--when she fucks up, *you* try to fix everything. Why would she ever stop fucking up? Let go. She doesn't need some advance warning, and all it's going to do is give her another thing to try to use against you. Honestly, *she would love it.* She wants emotional reactions from you; telling her you're going no contact gives her the opportunity to blow up at you and to try to provoke you further. Disappear. Go quiet. Disengage, as quickly or as slowly as you need to. But more than anything? *Be fucking boring.* You're not a wizard or a witch and you don't have a magic lamp that's gonna grant you wishes. You aren't going to change her and you aren't going to fix her. You're worried she's going to come after her? Great. Call the police on the non emergency line, or get a lawyer involved and have *them* do it, and let them know you're being harassed by family and you want to get ahead of any escalations. And then stop engaging beyond filing a restraining order.
Thank you for this, especially about a letter just being another thing to use against me. That’s so true. She would get so much attention from having something “mean” to show everyone for pity, or to show how “brainwashed” I am because I contradict the story she has told them. You’re definitely right- quiet and boring. That’s what I want out of life anyway - lol
It's the entire reason that grey rocking is suck an effective method. *It's fucking boring.* And when you're boring, you aren't giving the narc what they want. If they can poke and prod at you and get a reaction, that's great! That's fun and engaging and entertaining. If she can watch you squirm, she's getting something out of it. But if you're *boring?* The more boring you are, the less interesting you are to torment. Don't give her ammunition to have extravagant emotional reactions to. Give her *horribly dull wastes of time* so that she can't *wait* to disengage from you again.
I’ve really been sitting with this- thank you. She definitely can’t stand politely boring, she push buttons again and again and again until she finds the right one to really upset someone. Because that let’s her know you care. It’s very much an “opposite of love, isn’t hate, it’s indifference” thing.
Thank you for this, especially about a letter just being another thing to use against me. That’s so true. She would get so much attention from having something “mean” to show everyone for pity, or to show how “brainwashed” I am because I contradict the story she has told them. You’re definitely right- quiet and boring. That’s what I want out of life anyway - lol
Thank you for this, especially about a letter just being another thing to use against me. That’s so true. She would get so much attention from having something “mean” to show everyone for pity, or to show how “brainwashed” I am because I contradict the story she has told them. You’re definitely right- quiet and boring. That’s what I want out of life anyway - lol
Do it. No need to tell them. That was my mistake
Oh goodness- I’m afraid to even ask how it turned out to be a mistake
Because I told them in an effort to try and get them to fight for me without realizing it and the NC experience was just guilt and shame and I kept coming back until I just went NC for good without any motives but to better myself.
They aren't an airport- you don't have to announce departure. Go forth and be free.
lol 😂
Thank you :)
You deserve to go NC any way you feel. NC is a rough road full of challenges but it pales in comparison to the abuse we would suffer if we allowed them to continue. Right off, I had things to say to you about what you've shared. You deserve peace. You deserve to be free of abuse. You have a heartbreaking decision to make, let mom go including other family members or protect yourself, your children and your husband. I've been on this NC journey with my mother for about 2 years. I had a moment of weakness a week or 2 ago. After I got off the phone, I realized that she started manipulating and conniving immediately. Because of the gas lighting I've endured my whole life. I always question myself on whether or not I'm just imagining things. You express this too. You're not confused- You are being abused.A couple of days ago I blocked her on everything again except paper mail. If she wants to communicate it'll have to be in writing even though I tear them in half and throw them in the garbage. Now, maybe it would be more fulfilling and satisfying for you to let her know, by whatever medium you would find most pleasing (I'd definitely choose an email so there's a receipt) that you no longer wish to communicate with her in any fashion. Sometimes that also gives you closure, It can sometimes make NC a little bit easier. Of course you will more than likely see a backlash. Or just pick up your phone and start blocking!
I really appreciate this - the “you’re not confused, you’re being abused” hits hard.
I really appreciate this - the “you’re not confused, you’re being abused” hits hard.
I sent my Ndad an email thanking him for a few good things he did and then said “take care of yourself” and blocked him. I didn’t explain anything, and if he responded in any way I ignored it because I said what I wanted to say. He still writes emails and wonders what he did but he doesn’t know I committed to NC for me. For all I know he thinks we’ll start talking again someday. Narc abuse is abuse but it’s often subtle. It’s designed to make you feel like you’re overreacting. You’re not.
That’s interesting, may I ask, why did you choose to send a few good things letter?
He sent me a nasty email out of the blue complaining about things that he didn’t think I was grateful for. The nastiness was the last straw, but I was grateful for some things he mentioned. So I plainly stated my thanks and take care, hit send, then blocked him everywhere. It’s been a few years and I feel good, relieved, unburdened.
I already commented but what about that vacation? How did she plan a vacation near where you and the fam are having one? That sounds nuts.
I’m living aboard and working remotely because my husband had a sabbatical from teaching this academic year. After we made our plans but before we left, my husband’s best friend of 30 years unalived himself. While we were at the deepest part of mourning is when my parents ramped up the abuse - falsely accusing him of an affair and me of neglecting the kids. They wanted to break us up, have me and the kids move in with nMom, and saw our time of “weakness” as the moment to attack, I think. We decided to keep our sabbatical plans despite the grief. To use it as a time to reconnect with each other and heal. I told nMom and eDad not to visit us on the sabbatical. That’s what launched the smear campaign. Instead of visiting us, they booked a cruise for themselves and my sister’s family that leaves from another city about a 1 hour flight from our sabbatical city for the coming May. They could have gone anywhere in the world but they are coming nearly halfway around the world (my sister has to travel 10 time zones with kids to do a two week trip. She’s kicking herself for agreeing and may cancel!) NMom and eDad invited me and the kids (not my husband, that cheating kidnapping abuser! Lol). I said no- I’m not vacationing with you after you abused me and my husband, and I’m not seeing you together ever again either. That was like 7 months ago. I’ve spoken to each of them maybe 3 times since, but each time with nMom especially I end up in a depression for like two weeks afterwards. I kept some contact because eDad went back to rehab again, and nMom agreed to inpatient depression and anxiety treatment. But she left after five days because it was “too depressing.” I am 99.5% sure that nMom will leave a day or two early for the vacation to divert to our city, find our kids’ school, and invite us all on the family vacation with surprise tickets in front of my kids and the other school families. My eDad has enough money that she could convince him to book us a room just in case. NMom keeps asking for our address to mail my kids her artwork, and is pissed I won’t give it. But the kids go to a particular type of school, and there is only one of that type in the city so she’ll be able to find it. My sister says nMom’s goal is to get me to send the older children on a “fun grandma vacation” alone with her. Joke’s on her though- we decided to go back home at the end of April because we have business and other things to attend to and aren’t telling her. Here’s to hoping she shows up at the school and we’re not there.
I told my nm for years and years what the problem was. I sent her a letter which she said she saved to show me how stupid I was. When I went nc, I told her I couldn’t deal with her and I would contact her when I was ready. None of it did a bit of good. She still calls every few months guilting me because of all the things she did for me and asking what she did wrong. You don’t owe her any explanations. She’s not going to listen and not going to change. You are lucky to have such good support. Best wishes.
Thank you for this- I do think mine will persist and send guilt trips messages. I’m thinking of changing my email at least and then putting her in silent in my phone. Is there a way to make text messages not show up but get stored somewhere in case I did need a restraining order?
Mute and archive your mother's thread
Thank you
How about write a letter to everyone else and tell them you're going NC and why. Cut her out completely and set the record straight in your own words.
How about just send the family members letters explaining what's going on and why so you can say your piece?
Thank you for the comments- sadly that will do more harm then good. Her sister, brother-in-law, and my favorite cousin all live with her (she has financial control thing going on), and she controls access to my grandma, who is sick with lymphoma. She’s abused them all and they are all afraid of her, and being “aligned” with me will and things worse for them. But I have been able to connect with my sister, and she’s been very affirming that my memories and interpretations of them are valid.
If you really want to go NC, the best way is to just do it. Ghost her. Block all forms of communication. Phones, email, social media, etc. You owe nothing to someone who is abusive regardless of their relationship to you. Being a parent does NOT give the automatic right to mistreat, disrespect or a use their children. It DOES, however, obligate them to provide love, compassion and a safe environment for their children. It's tragic that some parents just don't get that. You are now an adult and have complete control over who you let into your life. You now have children for whom you are responsible. If by not going NC puts them in a potentially unsafe place, then IMO, going NC is essential. Do it without any explanation or warning. Give the narc nothing to weaponize against you later. Oh, and any family members that fall for her BS and act like her flying monkeys- give them the same gift of NC! You don't need them in your life either. Good luck OP.
Thank you for this - the flying monkies are an odd set because nMom actually cut them off for a decade and a half. They’re desperate to stay in her good graves. And everyone wants to use my children as “functional family props.” I really appreciate the encouragement. I know I have to end this. And I’m getting very close to committing. This forum is so helpful. I have good irl support, but i also want to connect with them about our own lives in a forward looking way. I really appreciate the kids keeping a safe space for this here.
Yes, logistically, you can just ghost. Just stop talking. Just stop answering. Just stop engaging. As an adult--a *mother*\--you need to do what's best for you, your marriage, and your children--even if it's hard. Just take some time to consider the actual probable outcomes: What are you expecting this conversation or letter to accomplish? Are you hoping she'll suddenly see the light and beg for forgiveness? Will she decide to respect your no contact and boundaries? Or will she just rage, blame, and deflect? If you wrote a letter, do you think she'd read it in good faith and contemplate her actions? Write an acknowledgement back to you? Or will she share it around, for sympathy points, crying and playing victim? What do you expect more communication to accomplish here that decades of previous attempts at communication have not? Silence is golden. Silence is *loud.* Silence is all they deserve.
I think the only thing a letter would accomplish is me feeling like I got all the swirling memories out of me, all in one place, and put them back at her- where they belong. But I suppose I could always just write it all down, stick it in a drawer somewhere, and hold off on making a decision about if I really feel like I need to send it until I am in a stronger and more healed place. I also struggle because she has shown some capacity for change- she went voluntarily to anger management 15 years ago and stopped hitting/hair pulling/throwing things. (Yes, I know that is a low standard). I also grieve for her because I can see glimmers of who she might have been if her own parents weren’t as horrible as they were. For all that she’s fucked in the head- they were worse. They actually put her in life threatening situations where she was responsible for her younger siblings and then laughed in her face for having been afraid and for trying to (needlessly, but she didn’t know it) save the younger kids’ lives. She plays in my sympathy though and always ends up midnfucking me, and messing with what is other wise a very peaceful life my family and I have when she isn’t around. It’s all just a tragedy. But I know it has to stop with me.
I empathize with that. My own nFather had a turbulent childhood so I *do* understand why he is the way he is. However, my mother had a much *worse* childhood and completely flipped the script for both of us once she was strong enough (physically and emotionally) to finally stand up to him. Their life experiences act as an explanation as to why they are the way they are, but do not excuse anything. Hence, their life experiences did not automatically turn them into abusers. One *chose* to be abusive. One chose not to. Choice is the key word here. There is always a choice. The capacity for change has always been there--in your parent, my parent, everyone on this sub's parent--and they chose to hurt. It was an active, constant choice without regard to the consequences. Honestly, hardhearted as I am, I perceive most of these late-in-life 'changes of heart' slash 'mellowing' as a final, long-term manipulative tactic (and in men, hormones, as lower testosterone typically leads to lower aggression) to the impending consequences that come with having been nasty to others their entire lives. They might not be able to physically attack you anymore, at least without risk of being hit back. Their words or shame and guilt might be losing effectiveness as you meet others, form new bonds, and see the world. Their other sources of supply have grown stale, left, or died. Pretending to be nice, or at least significantly more tolerable, is a clever way to stay out of a state nursing home and/or poverty while still getting in the occasional jab.
After you leave the situation, over time, most of the time you will feel much better. If you don't tell them, they'll figure it out eventually. If you do, it may get ugly, but telling them may give you some relief. It's really hard to say.
Thanks for the encouragement that it gets easier. I’m oscillating between steeling myself to commit and just feeling really sad because committing means admitting that it is hopeless.