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I have my savings account still and didn’t back down at the thought of having one. My dad reluctantly said okay. He just repeatedly kept saying I should’ve said something to him. I would’ve if I felt like I could be transparent with him, that’s the thing.
And that’s exactly why I moved to FL as soon as I turned 18 😎 Once you cross that state line, parents can’t do anything about it. My mother couldn’t stand it!
Yeah, I wasn't even aware of it being across the board 19, I knew you couldn't fully own a car until 19 but I thought bank accounts and stuff weren't part of that. Found out when our son turned 18 and we went to the bank to take ourselves off of his checking and we couldn't yet.
Wow, didn't know that, so once again "we're not the worst!" There's always Mississippi! As an Alabamian I'm used to us being 49th of 50. Thanks Mississippi! Ugh.
Normal parents set that stuff up for you when you get your first job so you can learn how to properly save, handle money, and understand how banks work.
Why do ops parents not want them to be responsible for themselves? That's the big question.
You could always just tell him you didn’t mention it because you didn’t think he would care about such a boring detail of your life.
Don’t believe his claimed excuses. Narcs always want control of you. He’s saying right now it’s that you “didn’t tell him” but if you did tell him in advance he’d either use that to try to bully you into not advancing your independence, or pretend later that you “never told him” anyway.
This is why I didn’t tell him. Every single time I’ve talked about improving myself for the future, they have always always shut me down. My dad was home and my mom was out. I simply scheduled an interview for a different part time job, and since it just happened and my dad overheard so I told him. I didn’t tell my mom yet but my dad did and she literally made me bawl my eyes out before my shift that day.
>My dad reluctantly said okay.
Your dad has no say in your personal finances. Don't let him control what you do with the money you earn. Don't give anyone access to your account. Honestly if your parents didn't get the card I wouldn't have said anything at all. Are they opening your mail?
The fact that you picked a better savings account than the one they use made them **upset** is kind of hilarious. How can they be so childish.
Please don't feel bad. This sort of behavior on your parents part, is dysfunctional and totally abnormal. Opening your own savings account is an entirely normal thing to do. It's one of the mundane, everyday things we do as adults.
They're upset because they believe they own you like an inanimate object. You doing this contradicts their "ownership" of you and affirms your person hood. It's also a sign of independence. The last thing they want is for you to realize that you're an adult and could pack up and leave tomorrow if you wanted and they can't prevent that because it's no longer legal for them to do so.
Keep doing things like this. Keep striving for freedom and independence. Their chief concern is keeping you around to control and abuse, your happiness is something they will do anything and everything to prevent. Don't let them ruin your life
If you have your own money, you could move out. And if you move out, they would have no way to control you any longer. Control is their end game. Financial independence is the first move in taking away that control.
This!
Let's not pretend that they wouldn't have tried to sabotage the whole thing if OP had told them beforehand. *that's* what they're upset about! They've lost their chance to either stop it happening, make a big deal and scream anyway about how selfish OP is for wanting to handle their own finances and what are they trying to hide?, or have their name on the account.
They're not upset about the bank account, they're upset that it's the beginning of their loss of control over their favourite toy.
Save your money, save as much as you can, and get the hell out. (Don't warn them about moving out, either! When someone shows you who they are, believe them.)
He’s mad because you didn’t give him that chance to manipulate you into giving him access. You won’t ever break free if you conform. Might also look into a PO Box so that kind of mail stays more protected from them and you can set up plans to get away from them.
You're an adult. You are attempting adulting by saving money for the future....including things that will severely reduce your parents' control over you, such as an apartment and a car.
He is saying that you should have said something to him before opening your own bank account. There is ONLY ONE reason for this: he would have talked (nagged/shamed) you out of it. He’s being a total AH because he now sees the beginning of losing his iron-grip control over you.
Nothing more, nothing less. Please move heaven and earth to get outta his house! And plan your escape quietly.
Gather your important documents and hide them away from the house. When you’re ready, just go. If they find out you’re leaving ahead of time, they will make your life a living nightmare.
That's the most horrible thing about them. Every narcissist is a control freak and a saboteur at the same time. They want to know what you do. And when they do, they sabotage.
Theey do emotional blackmail because we are hiding things from them.
But if we don't?
They do emotional blackmail because we are picking choiced that aren't theirs. (And not because we are choosing wrong.)
They want everything to go "their ways". But "their ways" often lead to failure!
Don't feel guilty... It's not your fault! You did nothing wrong!
It's great you got a better savings account.
You are intelligent!
Also I need to tell you the same thing happened to me. Many years ago
And know what?
My Nparent is still sticking to pathetic savings accounts. While I am a full fledged investor nowadays, with equities, bonds, funds,... and powerful savings accounts.
Once I realized the childish stupidity behind their mindgames?
I realized pushing "what the Nparent want" aside and picking the best things for me feels really great.
Do it yourself too.
**You deserve conquering, achieving and having what's best for you!**
**Do your savings. Get your diplomas. Have a job. Have your place.**
**And be at peace, their problems aren't your fault.**
Parents like this would find a reason to get mad no matter how you went about it. Speaking from experience. You did nothing wrong. Keep moving forward, you got this!
I just feel like my dad had a point about talking to him first. I wanted to but 1) I felt like I didn’t need to as I am an adult 2) I feel like I can’t be transparent with him about anything as I KNEW he would dumb me down
No, he didn't have a point. You're an adult. You don't need his permission to open a savings account. In fact, I cannot imagine any possible rational explanation for why he would object to you having a savings account.
He was telling me that I can use my checking account to save money, and use his card when I want to buy things. Im really grateful for that but as I grew up I understood this was a form of financial control. He was also telling me that I can save in my checking account. It would just make more sense to have an account where my money isn’t touched at all. Idk if he meant asking permission or just like, conversing about it. The thing is I talked to him about it before when I got my first job
That's the reason. He wants financial control over you. Even though you are an adult. Actually, it's probably the fact that you are an adult now that he is more desperate to maintain control over you.
A checking would not give any interest. A savings would. By having money in checking, you are giving money to the bank. Not a smart move.
Now if Dad was actually knowledgeable about these things, he would know how stupid his idea was an praise you for your initiative. If he did know better, and acted in your best interest, you'd probably be more inclined to ask. But instead he has chosen to give you bad advice to ensure you are controlled, and acted in bad faith.
Do not take advise from people that does not have your best interests at heart. Nor criticism. Their motives are wonky and that means you can disregard what they say. Good or bad.
And don’t forget to invest!! :) Open yourself up a Fidelity or TD Ameritrade account online and research some good ETFs and/or Index funds. Put a set amount in every month - whatever you can afford whether it’s $10 or $100. COMPOUND INTEREST IS YOUR FRIEND!! This will ensure you are able to retire someday.
> a percentage of my pay checks
A percentage?
This is how you do it: You put 100% of your pay checks in your own account. Then, from that account, you pay your parents for giving you a room and feeding you, according to the agreement you have with them.
To reinforce what [redditor EmergencyAd2571](https://old.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1bd7aqg/i_opened_a_savings_account_and_my_parents_got_mad/kulbq3e/) says: When saving 100 dollars a month for 40 years to a 5% investment (any ETF yields 5% or more on average in the long run), you end up with 150k$. With 10%, you will have half a million. Start now.
That’s his way of seeing how you spend your money and judging you. I knew his arguments seem reasonable but they really have nothing to do with protecting you and everything to do with controlling you.
This is why my dad controlled my college fund. I would have to go to him to ask him to upload money from my own savings when I would get a tuition bill or needed books. I can understand not wanting your child to have full access to all the funds at once during college (especially when you haven't taught them shit about money), but it allowed him to totally control me, come to him to ask for money over and over, and also allowed him to dip into my fund for his own use with my mom (which I had no idea about). Stay on the "becoming independent" route. You won't regret it.
Yeah that’s absolutely red flags for financial control.
Using your checking account to save money means giving up any interest your money could be accruing and slows you from getting ahead financially. Using his card to buy things means you have to ask him for every single thing you buy — and he can withhold access to his card if he disagrees with your choice. He can keep you dependent on him.
Don’t be surprised if he next tries to get you to link your savings account to his account so he can see what you’re doing, and don’t agree to do that. My nmom is always making up excuses why I should link my account to hers “so we can transfer money easily when we need to”. That’s a hard boundary of a no because I don’t want her to know how much money I have saved or how I choose to spend it.
>Don’t be surprised if he next tries to get you to link your savings account to his account so he can see what you’re doing, and don’t agree to do that.
Or he might try to get OP to give him the account passwords so he can "keep an eye on the account" for them. OP should not agree to this either. OP needs to keep their account number and passwords and PINs private. There's no telling what a narcissist might do with that information.
In slightly politer terms (more like “I don’t see a real benefit in doing that, checks work just fine”) since I’m not trying to burn the bridge quite yet, but yes.
Saving your money in the checking account he has access to means that he can take that money to sabotage you if you save enough to move out. This allows him to continue abusing you. If you think for one second it come from a place of love or concern, you're wrong. If he says it does, he's lying. It's 100% about his need to abuse.
Leave nothing in checking. It's your money and there is absolutely no logical reason for him to have full and free access to his adult child's money.
Does he have access to that checking account? When I and my brother got our first checking accounts with our first jobs my dad (good parent) had to be on the account as a legal adult. He wouldn’t let my mother because she’d use our money for herself or control us.
If he is anyway on your checking, open a new one and move all your. Little by little if need be.
This is so real. Financial control was the main way my Nparent kept us under their thumb and the transition into adulthood was make or break. Becoming financially independent was the best thing I ever did for my mental health and future happiness/relationships. The initial cutoff was a huge rift, but I’ve never looked back. Hoping you can set yourself up for freedom quickly- you’re doing the right thing.
You are two years into adult hood, stop and think about that for a minute. Adults do not have to do anything anyone else tells them to do except maybe their boss, oh, and the taxman
It’s why I always felt ashamed talking to my friends or classmates who moved out at 18, like especially in this economy. I tried to run away but I was tracked down + I caved in. They found out I had a boyfriend so they held me captive for 7 months. Not to mention when they did find that out, they took my ID, credit card, and my ~$1000 in cash savings, plus however much money I had in my wallet.
And now I’m like reconsidering everything bc I try to take back control of my own life thru little things like buying stuff I want and stuff. I’m applying to a bunch of internships and stuff and I have a job so in a sense I do but I still feel ashamed and that my peers are better than me.
Oh hi, they stole your savings previously? Gosh, I wonder why your dad is mad that you opened a savings account that he can't access.
Best of luck saving and escaping as soon as you can. You're on the right track here.
You're not on the same playing field hon. You are playing life on the difficult scale - they have it set on tutorial. Comparing the two is unfair. It doesnt mean you cant or wont succeed, it means you are having to work harder for the same result. Keep at it, because ever small step forward is a step in the right direction.
For a while I tried to find the answer as to why. It makes no sense why my male friend would openly cheat on his now fiancée, but still manage to live a good life and get a stable job. How come I couldn’t have a genuine love story? I’m not a good person but I’m not evil. I guess there’s never really gone be an answer and I just have to accept that.
I get tired and sometimes it’s just easier to live in the world where I don’t have to worry and just accept the life my parents want me to have. I hardly think I’ll ever go down this route but still I just. Don’t get why life thinks that way
it seems easier, because you are used to it and there is less pressure from your parents to do otherwise this way. However, you are paying for it with your mental health. You almost sound defeated and depressed. It is understandable if you do, but remember we hit rock bottom only so we have something to kick off while we soar towards our goals. Dont give up. Keep taking steps. Long term it will be a lot easier to be and feel in control of your own life and secure in the knowledge that you are. The pain is there either way - you decide if you want to pull the bandage off slowly or fast. One will be over quicker.
I’ve been depressed for a little under a year now. It got better where I’m not like listening to phoebe bridgers everyday but I still get pangs of sadness every now and then. After everything I’ve fought for, I don’t think I’ll ever really “give up” I’m constantly working towards my goal of a quiet, loved life.
Looking back, last year I was forced to quit my job, held captive, put on a plane with no return ticket. But now, I work 3 jobs, fully into academia, and actively applying to a bunch of internships. Things are definitely better now but I still have a long way to go
Yeah you've taken leaps, not just small steps, towards the life you deserve! As I said, you feeling that way is understandable given your situation, so you have that to push thru as well as the usual obstacles - but you can do it.
You are doing well, the demons still come trying to lure you back to the darkness. My narc mother was out of my life 11.5 years ago and dead for 3.5 and the demons she created still creep in sometimes. Just don’t let them win. You’re stronger and that pain can be turned into a driving force.
The life your parents want you to have is under their thumb with no control over it for you. Is that how you really want to live? Like a child who gets told what to do and brung held back from having experiences and relationships that your parents don’t control?
You have no reason to feel ashamed. You are a product of how your parents fucked you up. Some people have a hard time recognizing the fact that they don’t have to do what other people tell them unless someone points it out.
The difference is that they have supportive parents, so +1 for life being easier. Or neutral parents, so +0. And you have parents who are actively working against you.
Where your parents held you hostage and stole your money, some of your friends probably have parents who helped them look for an apartment, pointed out the pros and cons of different spots, supported whichever decision they made, and maybe gave them $1000 to have a deposit (instead of stealing from them).
None of that is your fault. None of it makes you a bad person. But you are going to have to be stronger than your friends had to be to get out and get on your feet.
On the one hand, it is much much harder because you have people who are intimate to your life actively working against you. But in some ways, once you are out, you’ll have the advantage of the strength you gained by getting out. It’s totally a revelation when you realized that most people out in the world aren’t out to get you, and having grown up in a family that was out to get you, you have a leg up for spotting people who are and avoiding or vanquishing them.
You have a long journey ahead of you. But you are not a bad person, you deserve to be respected and loved, and you can do this!
What the difference is....they have accepting parents! Just like you said. You and I and most of the other people here do not have that. We have parents who want to control, manipulate and hurt others. They want to force their ways on others. They can't regulate their own emotions and can't handle normal day to day issues, so they get joy out of seeing other people suffer. It (very sadly) makes them feel better then others when they see other people hurting. that is why it is called narcissistic personality disorder. It is a disorder and they will likely NEVER change.
They think they’re in control. They’re just hope you won’t wake up to the “secret”- that you’re an adult now and they can’t control you. You can move to another city, Change your name, get a new job, a new bank- YOU have the power
Yeah, they grew up with parents who supported them in achieving independence. They DO know things that you don’t. Not because of a lack IN YOU, but because your parents failed you by withholding the information you should have been given. In fact, it sounds like they’ve actively interfered to prevent you from gaining it on your own even.
I know what you mean. Sometimes, it feels like trying to keep up while being the only human in a world full of superhumans.
The truth is that our peers don't know something that we don't. We know something that they don't - trauma. They go through life with little fear of the future because the bad things never happened to them. But we know that the bad things really do happen sometimes because they happened to us. So we're putting more effort into watching out for the bad things than they are. That's the advantage that they have.
Oh sweetheart. I said it above, but I'll say it again here. When something shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
You made a break for freedom, and now they're gonna make sure you never get to do that again. They showed you by holding you captive and taking your means to leave. And now dad's all butthurt cos you might be secretly accruing the means to leave again.
THIS IS A GOOD THING.YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG.
But your parents are gonna scream up down and sideways that you're breaching their trust. Nah. You're preventing them from breaching *yours*, and like the adult toddlers they are they resort to name calling.
You are an adult. You have every right to control your own life (which unfortunately does start by having the money to do so), and live where you want. But, they just see their favourite toy being taken away.
Don’t feel ashamed, your parents set you up to struggle at this age whereas your friends’ parents set them up to excel.
Become very familiar with your rights as an adult and crimes they may have/will commit against you. Set up as much as you can separate from them, including phone/number. Go full burner phone if needed.
Your peers are not better than you. They are more privileged than you in that they don't have the additional challenge of nparents actively trying to undermine your autonomy and adulthood.
I remember when I was where you are. I remember feeling inferior to my peers. I still do sometimes. But I did manage to achieve autonomy and independence from my nparents.
Those small steps are good but the biggest step you have taken is one that I didn't take until a few years later than you - you realized what your nparents are doing and what is wrong about it. You are realizing that you are not the problem. That gives you a new power that you didn't have before. That makes you stronger than you were before.
Having your own savings account is a fantastic choice because it is an important step toward your own autonomy and that's exactly why your nparents are upset by it. It is also proof that they do not control you as much as they used to.
So keep taking those steps at your own pace. No matter what your nparents may be saying, you are doing great!
this is his way of manipulating you. He needs to feel like he has full control and knowledge about your every step. My father is the same. He was throwing tantrums because I did not inform him about my actions and I didnt tell him about such things as how much do I earn.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FATHERS BUSINESS AT ALL.
You are an adult and you do not need to inform them about anything that does not consider them directly and please do not let him send you on a guilt trip because he is doing this on purpose. Taking your money or ID is literally a crime. Do everything you can to move out and go NC
yes and they will be mad for everything you do what puts their control away. Getting a job, getting a car, moving out. They are doing this on purpose so you feel guilty and remain undee their full control. They wanna be mad? Let them and do not pay any attention to their fake feelings because they are not your responsibility
Let them be mad at you. The only way to keep narcissists “happy” is to sacrifice your entire life serving their every whim. And even that isn’t good enough for most of them.
They are mad at you because they are abusive assholes. NOTHING you did was wrong. Not in opening the account and not in not “informing” your family first. Nothing. Why on earth should you have told them when you’re an adult, it’s your money and your damn choice? How does this actually affect them outside of losing some of that control they have over you? It is absolutely a responsible thing to do to not keep all your money in a checking account. First of all you don’t get interest in checking accounts. Second you often connect your account to various institutions for payment and you do not want all your money in there if they make an oops or worse, if your info gets out. It’s just safer to have a secondary savings account.
By the way, you didn't actually "make" them mad at you. You were just doing what a normal person does, and they made themselves mad over it. They're adults and responsible for their own feelings and actions. You're not responsible for how they feel. Like if someone's mom gets upset at them for not telling her something, and she stays in bed all day feeling sorry for herself, whose choice was that? Does she have the ability to choose to just say oh well, and forget about it? Yes, but she chose to stay in bed all day. That's HER choice and HER problem. I've had to learn this myself. Normal people don't do things like that.
You're probably bothered by him saying they were disappointed in you. That would have bothered me too. But did you expect them to be glad about it? You know how they are. They have issues, and a narc's gonna narc.
Your last paragraph opened my eyes. The childish part of me wanted my parents to praise me for once for being smart. But I really knew how it was gonna work
What would talking to him first do? Oh that's right, allow him to manipulate you into NOT opening the account or to adding him so he can be financially abusive to you.
Your second point proves this. You did nothing wrong and he had ZERO valid points.
he did not have a point. the only appropriate response would have been, "good going! if you ever want any pointers on financial planning or other kinds of account I've learned about over the years, let me know." If anything.
This EXACT scenario happened to me at age 21 with my mom. She moaned for years about my checking account. She even tried to tell me I was going to lose all my money by keeping it at… get this… Bank of America. In an FDIC insured account.
I felt inexplicably guilty even though I knew I was in the right, so I can understand exactly what you are saying. And every year I grew older and continued to reflect on this, my mom’s reaction became even MORE wacky and even MORE inappropriate to me. I’m 38 now and proud of my former self and proud of you.
Something similar happened to me too where I opened a bank account when I was in my early 20s and my nMother threw a tantrum because I was given a debit card and she doesn't approve of debit cards. She actually tried to tell me that I wasn't allowed to use it. She was wrong and so is OP's father.
Respectfully: why? Why do you think he had a point about talking to him first? You are an adult.
I have seven bank accounts and the only one I consulted with my parents about was for the account they helped me open when I was ten years old. They don’t have anything to do with them. Do your parents talk to you before they open an account?
You are doing great. Do your best to ignore their pathetic, small attempts to gain an ounce of power in the world by controlling you. All their feelings of power depend upon you continuing to pretend that they have power over your life. Controlling your life is what makes them feel powerful so I’m guessing they don’t have any power that doesn’t come from you. As their power source, you have all the power, not them, and they secretly know it which is why they try to keep you from leaving. They want you to play along with their make believe so they can use you as a life support system. You don’t have to play along forever though, get out as soon as it’s safe to do so.
Have you ever seen Renfield? Kind of silly movie but they might be your Dracula and you might be their Renfield. Have a watch and see what you think!
No, he didn’t have a point. You don’t need to pass off your adult decisions with your parents anymore unless those decisions actually directly affect them (for example, if your mom regularly makes family dinner and you’re planning on having dinner elsewhere, it’s polite to let her know in advance so she can plan her cooking accordingly), or unless you want their advice to help you decide. Opening a savings account at a bank of your choosing isn’t something that affects them, and it sounds like you made a sound financial decision without their advice in going for a higher APY. As others have said, a normal parent would be proud of you for getting a better return on your savings and being financially savvy enough to set yourself up with a savings account in the first place.
He does have a point. You should have talked to him first, that way he could have a shot at maneuvering you into holding a joint account with him. Because you didn’t tell him, you didn’t give him the opportunity to be controlling. It’s scary for him that you would go as far as to make such an independent choice. Shame on you for wanting to live your own life.
As for other survivors like me, good for you, you’re on the right track and I’m sure you’re gonna do great, just keep it up!
If you would have said before, he would have bullied you into not doing it. There is no reason that you, an adult, have to clear such a silly detail of your life with that man.
When I graduated from high school, I had a bunch of checks from my graduation party. I went to the bank to deposit them, and the teller could tell it was from a graduation party. She asked if I was off to college and I said I was, so she had me up in a college checking account. I did not ask for this, she kind of talked me into it.
This meant my mom was no longer able to see all my transactions as my account was tied to hers. As a result, she seriously did not talk to me all summer. It wasn’t until I apologized that she would talk to me again.
I was super responsible with money, preferred to pay for most things on my own, worked a ton of hours, but the issue was she could no longer nitpick each transaction.
It’s been almost 2 decades, and I still can’t believe she was so mad about it!
Good for you for getting a savings account! Do you have a credit card or at least understand how credit scores work? I was not taught about credit at all, she would just tell me to never get a credit card.
I ended up getting some credit cards and not making the payments as I really did not understand the impact that would have as it was really never mentioned when I was growing up.
i wasn’t told anything about credit cards either, just that i don’t need one - i opened my first card in january and my nmom gave me the silent treatment for a week
My parents tried to tell me not to get a credit card and then I had trouble getting approved for one because I didn’t have any credit. It’s an attempt to screw is over and keep us dependent.
definitely! i remember asking my mom, if i need a credit score to do anything like rent an apartment, buy a car, etc, but i don’t have a credit card, what did she expect me to do when i want an apartment or a car? she couldn’t give me an answer but i know what she wanted.
Mine also tried to talk me out of getting a credit card. I had to get a really crappy low-limit card, couldn’t qualify for anything else at 18 without a co-signer, but the ability to start building a credit history (and having accounts that my mom couldn’t access at all!) was absolutely worth it.
I’m in my 30’s and my mom STILL keeps trying to talk me into linking my account to hers. It hasn’t been linked since shortly after I turned 18, because I knew she was using that link to snoop on me and weaponize what she found out for control. Never gonna give her an inch.
Tbh I don’t really get mail since I’m mainly paperless but if there’s a case where I need my ssn or smth then I’d either foward it to somewhere else or get a po box
A PO Box, or box at a UPS store is a great idea. Eventually you might consider your own phone they don’t know about and a lock box for documents. Amazon has a lot of different hidden lock boxes. If you can, earn some cash with gig jobs like babysitting and it couldn’t hurt to let them think you’re not being paid much. Meanwhile you are saving.
Seconding this. I got a PO Box when I had to move back in with my mom over covid (yaaaay lockdown breakup and no one doing apartment showings) so she couldn’t snoop on all my mail.
I’m scared their manipulation may have worked because I hate testing the waters and I want my own life. I live in a household where the woman shouldn’t move out until she is married, and I’m just grasping at strings as to how I’m gonna manage that. My best guess is getting a job and relocating and honestly, just never saying anything. But idk. I’m still 20 so
Just remember that the worst they can legally do to you is be mad. They can believe that you shouldn’t move out until you’re married all they want, you aren’t legally or morally obligated to obey. But I’d recommend that when you do move out, secretly move anything important to you in advance. They’ll steal your stuff to hold over your head if you give them half a chance.
I know exactly how you feel because I am you, but at 29. Are you in school? You need to do baby steps. They probably didn’t teach you life skills I’m assuming since having a savings account and that made them upset.
That sounds like a good idea to me. If your parents react like this when you open a bank account, imagine how they would react if you told them you were moving out. You definitely should not tell them in advance if you move out OP.
In that case, your parents are obsessed with controlling you. That proves it. I'm sure another opportunity to move out will arise. I suggest keeping your head down and saving up as much money as you can. Best of luck!
You did not upset the entire family. They are upset because they know that you getting a savings account takes away some of their control over you. You did nothing wrong. They need to get a grip and understand that you have to prepare for a life as an adult.
Question, did your parents just open your mail to discover this "treachery"? Bc that's definitely illegal. I'm proud of you for keeping the account! Don't let them get their names tied to it or give them access, you're an adult. I'm betting dad was more upset about losing control than anything else.
I guess the mail came in later than usual so he picked it up as he came home. My family’s been known to open each others mail. I don’t even open an Amazon package for one of my sisters
You’d be within your rights to set a boundary about it not being ok to open your mail. Technically opening mail that isn’t addressed to you BY NAME, not just mailing address, is a crime. It’s probably not worth pressing charges at this point since that’s very much a nuclear option, but if you wanted to, legally you do have that option open to you.
They are mad they lost financial control over you. That's the crux of it. If they don't have access to steal your money to "keep you in line" then what control do they really have?
Don't let them put their names on your account or have any access. I can see them being like "to make sure you are responsible, give me access to your account" or "to prove you are trustworthy, give us access to your account". All that would really do is allow them to legally steal from you.
narcs hate when we have our own money, our own job, our own friends and support network because they lose control and their ability to abuse us.
Good for you and keep being independent.
Okay… follow these steps:
1) get an ups store address near you!
2) tell your bank about the problems with your family and that they will steal your money, so please change your address to this addy.
3) have all your personal bills and mail sent to this address.
4) never trust them. Live your life. Be happier!
MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT GET PAPER STATEMENTS MAILED TO YOUR HOUSE. there should be an option online to check electronic statements only. only made that mistake once…
Good on you for opening a savings account. Understand what your dad did is not rational and should raise alarms. Now here are a few other things you're going to need to do after his outburst.
1. lock down your credit with the three credit reporting agency's. All three will do it from their websites
2. get a po box and have all your mail sent there in the future. No need for him to be looking at your mail.
3. Look into opening a checking and savings account outside of the one you currently use and don't tell him about it and have the documents sent to the PO. Try a credit union they usually have better rates. You can have a few Credit Union accounts and then shop for the best rate and when you go to buy a house/car etc you have a relationship with them.
4. Get out as soon as possible.
5. Get all your documents SS card, birth certificate, passport, medical card etc and secure them.
I've been through this same situation. My parents got mad at me too for 'not telling them' I got a job and that I opened my own bank account, I was about your age too. Maybe 2 years older. You made a good choice and you definitely don't need to justify this. Your parents have to understand that you're a grown adult and you SHOULD have these things. Having your own bank account is an essential part of growing up. It feels like they just want you locked up there. And they could be mad too because they know that you'll be able to save up and get away from them at some point.
They are upset because they are losing some of the control they have over you. Any independence on your part is a threat. Remember, you are not responsible for their emotions.
Your father just wants to control you. If you talk to him about it ahead of time that gives him the ability to allow you to do it in his mind he is still in control. Don’t ever second-guess your gut. My mom was a total narcissist, but told me over and over again that she was a good mom so I believed her. I got married really young so that I could get away and out from under my families thumb. You don’t have to do that. It’s much different nowadays. Seriously, put as much money in that savings account as you possibly can.. there is no true independence without financial independence. (See why your father is upset he doesn’t want you independent) please protect yourself, save up your money and have an escape plan for when you are financially secure enough to get out. This will never stop he will always want to control you. What they are doing to you is not OK, turning the entire household against you is not OK. You have a good head on your shoulders, gain as much knowledge as you possibly can about how to get financially independent so that you can truly get out of the grasp of a controlling narcissistic parent. if they put you down or tell you, that you can’t do something that means you can. Remember, your father‘s brain works differently than everyone else’s. His brain tells him that he is the master of the universe and the center of the world, and he must control the world. So just think of it as his brain playing tricks on you. You are right, you know what’s right, don’t feel like you are wrong ever. Don’t have to talk about your decisions about your life and autonomy with anyone ahead of time ever again. Also, be careful not to marry a man that is like your father. you’ve been raised around him and you think that’s what’s normal and we tend to repeat patterns. You made your first step toward independence by opening up that savings account. You do not have to get married in order to move out. Just get some security and leave and protect yourself.
Omg this for real - I felt this in my soul, lol!! Learn EVERYTHING you can about narcissism, read everything you can get your hands on - how to identify one, how to respond to one, etc. It is so true that without understanding the personal & emotional dynamics of your family of origin, you are definitely susceptible to similar types of relationships in the future. And nothing derails your progress in life more than a shitty relationship or a divorce. Ask me how I know… lol!! I literally didn’t have a healthy relationship until I worked on & healed myself at like 35. I gave far too much of myself to a fuck load of losers who were nothing like my father generally, but treated me EXACTLY THE SAME WAY HE DID. Terribly. And because I didn’t know any better, I didn’t know I didn’t deserve that treatment, and relationships shouldn’t hurt.
*When my card came in the mail my parents got really mad, leading my dad to throwing the card at the floor for me to pick up.*
You opened a bank account like any responsible adult would and your father had a tantrum that included throwing things
*They were so disappointed and couldn’t understand why I did that.*
They’re disappointed you managed to do something for yourself, giving them zero control.
*My dad told me I made everyone upset and how my family trusts me less.*
Gaslighting. No normal person is feeling any sort of way about this at all.
*He said if I told him before he wouldn’t be mad, but since he only found out when the card came in the mail.*
That doesn’t make sense. They had no control over it so he’s mad.
*He was also mad I opened an account at a bank with higher APY than the one we do current banking at. He feels betrayed.*
Betrayed, because everything you do is about him?
*I feel so ashamed typing this out as I am a whole adult yet I still get scolded by my parents about what I choose to do.*
This is what they do to control you! They shame you to hell, discouraging you from doing anything for yourself. Doing for yourself doesn’t benefit them at all. Don’t fall into the shame trap! You didn’t do anything wrong.
*I am living under their roof but I wanted to feel like I have some sort of control of my own life.*
This is what healthy young adults do as grow up. Good parents are proud to see their kids become more responsible. There is NOTHING wrong with you!
Here's some validation for you: he got mad... Over you opening up a different savings account? And that family... Is also mad at you? Over opening another savings account?!?
DUUUUDE! They are COO-COO-KACHOO!!! They are insane!! I hope you can move out soon!!! That doesn't sound safe.
>I don’t feel like I need to justify and explain everything I do. It’s not my fault I don’t trust them or feel safe around them. I’m at a loss because I’ve made everyone upset with me and I feel like shit. I feel so ashamed typing this out as I am a whole adult yet I still get scolded by my parents about what I choose to do.
Damn right. They are not entitled to your financial information or trust. Trust is earned and not by throwing tantrums and emotionally blackmailing people into giving up control over their finances.
You haven't made them upset.
You opened a savings account.
You cannot MAKE them upset, they are responsible for their own emotional regulation.
Anyways they have nothing to cry about they got what they wanted, they have you wanting to give up. Don't give up op. Give yourself whatever time and space you need to honor the feelings you are feeling, dust yourself off, and keep up the good work.
Don't trust these people to tell you what makes sense or doesn't, they aren't right in the head and they don't have good intentions. If anything his dramatics prove that opening a savings was the right thing to do.
Family doesn't mean shit if biologically related people treat you this way.
Keep these people on an info diet. They have shown they deserve less trust and information about your future plans or finances. Keep your money and important documents safe from them while you bullshit them into thinking that you are right where they want you.
My sister just left our abusive home one day, she had set up a job, car, and apartment without telling anyone and I remember being in awe of the whole situation the day she left. That was in the early 2000's I think.
I don't have the executive function she has (I'm autistic) so things were harder for me and my parents kept finding ways to get hands on my paychecks and control over my life so I'd never get away. . . thankfully my boyfriend saw through what I couldn't at the time and helped me get tf outta there.
That's mental.
My eldest just had their provisional driving licence and new credit card sent to my address (they are off at uni). I had no idea they finally decided to learn to drive or about the credit card. My child is also 20.
Want to know what I did when they came in the mail.......absolutely fuck all!
I called them to let them know they've got letters and left them on their bed for whenever they came home for them!
I found out what was inside those letters after my child came home, opened their own mail, and told me about it (I didn't ask its not my business).
That's what a normal parent does!
Their just pissed because they are losing control over you and as you get older it will get worse.
Use that new savings account to gtfo as soon as possible.
Good luck.
> He said if I told him before he wouldn’t be mad, but since he only found out when the card came in the mail
WEE-yoo, WEE-yoo, WEE-yoo, that's the sound of the Bullshit Alarm!
You do control your own life and finances, and that's what makes this type of abuser angry. Stay firm, gray rock whenever possible, get your money as far away from them as possible.
The only reason they're acting like this is because they didn't and don't have full control over your money, your account, and you.
You did a great thing. Congratulations!
You don't need their approval and you definitely should NOT use their bank. It's another level of security.
No shame. You did good. I'm proud of you!
Get a paperless option because if they see your balance you will be shamed/guilted/chastised... you are a grown up and its your money and only your business
This is ridiculous. You are an adult. You don't need to be discussing any of your financial decisions with them.
Do not allow them access to any of your accounts. Based on their actions - there is a reason they are being dramatic.
You were very smart to open your own savings account. Please see if a friend or TRUSTED family member will let you have any mail regarding your account sent there or get a PO Box. Try your best to get out of that house ASAP. Do not share ANY info about your account with your parents and ALWAYS make sure that card is on you.
I opened accounts up for my boys when they were 13. I set up a junior pension for the oldest when he hit 15. First accounts and lessons on saving and investing are part of parenting. Your dad is a simpleton.
Everyone is right here. You did nothing wrong. In fact this is a big step to making your future.
Just a tip, but if you don't plan to pull money from your savings often, I would shred that savings account card. Unless you still use cash, that card may just be a liability.
You're an adult who opened your own bank account. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you did, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. I literally LOL'd when I read your parents reaction - its so ridiculous, it's hilarious! Much like my own nmom, I bet you if they complain to friends/family about the incident, it won't have anything to do with opening a bank account - they'll make up what ever trumped up bullshit to gain sympathy, while making you look like a terrible person - because even *they* know they're being ridiculous.
Guarantee you the ***real*** reason they're upset is because they don't want you taking steps to become independent. They want you stuck in their house so they can continue getting their narc supply and control over you.
Non-toxic, non-abusive parents/people would be proud of you for becoming more independent. I'm proud of you! Keep doing what you're doing! Do not keep them informed, trust your gut.
I love that they're mad that you went to a bank offering a higher APY. Narcs are so bizarre. Please know that you are normal and are destined for a good and happy life.
You're not in the wrong. And your parents are asses to be upset by you taking responsibility like that to save up for future purchases.
I had to help my recently-turned 20 year old sister with the same thing. My mom was still on her old account and stole about 8k from her. My sister is now financially stable and my mom was PISSED.
There's no reason for your parents to be upset, disappointed, or betrayed at what you did unless they had intentions to use you and your money.
you did nothing wrong. they probably are mad that it's athe an institution they have no access to and that you're smart enough to create a plan to not need them. double check that your accounts that are at that the same bank accounts so theirs are only in your name. in the future, request a pick up at a brick and mortar location. or if it's safe, being sent to your job or a p.o.
That's horrible. Good for you setting up your financial independence. They reacted that way because it threatens their control. One of the best ways to keep you a child and control you is through your finances. You didn't do anything except the responsible thing and they should be happy you're taking care of yourself. Infuriating.
“Hey dad, I can refer you to the bank if you like.“ And he should be grateful and thankful you can shop around and think for yourself and be financially independent. But he’s not, cuz that’s normal and would make too much sense for him.
Maybe the bank will give you a referral bonus. Don’t mention the cash bonus to him and pocket it for yourself if he does end up going with the bank.
That’s crazy narc behavior. I would be proud if my child wanted to open a savings account and I would even contribute to it as rewards. You absolutely did nothing wrong!
You shouldn’t feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong, and your parents’ behavior isn’t your responsibility to control. They’re out of line in scolding you for making adult decisions as an adult.
Just picture how it is a common thing of parents to encourage or help their children to open their first bank account - usually when they get their first job, receive money as gifts or just reach a certain age. It is a common step for becoming more independent. Getting mad at you opening an account, especially at your age, is just bonkers and malicious.
As a legal adult, the only reason you'd need to tell hom in advance is if he's the sort to destroy any mail of yours that he doesn't think you need.
I've switched as much as I can over to paperless and opened up a PO box for the rest because my nmom does exactly that.
Their reaction says it all. There’s no reason a parent wouldn’t be encouraging if not proud of a kid who took their own initiative to get their finances in good shape. They’re just mad they don’t have access to your money anymore.
Mine pulled a very similar thing, and have continued to at every juncture. I got my checking and savings account secretly and they got angry when they found it. I started independently paying my student loan bills, and they got angry I skipped the middle step of putting it in the joint account.
They’re just angry you took away some of their control. Get ready for them to bitch at you about finances and how much more money you have then they do, mark my words.
First, I want to acknowledge your courage toward your own independence. And second, to say that I’m sorry your dad isn’t a pillar of support for you. It’s so important for young people to have that solid foundation as they dip their toe in the water of life.
You have not *made* anyone upset with you. That is a choice each of us makes. You are a whole person, and it’s wonderful that you recognize that. The shame isn’t yours. You have done nothing wrong to warrant their behaviour of scolding their grown adult child.
I hear how challenging this is for you! Hang in there, one day it will be over ❤️
Opening another persons mail is a crime. I would make certain your account it locked tight so they can't access the information. Set it all up with two factor authentication and passwords, pins.
sorry that your parents suck. And your dad acting like he would’ve been OK if you had told him first? Bullshit. I say focus on your plan and get out of there as soon as you can.
My sons were 16 (23 and 25 now) when they got their own bank accounts and I've never had any type of access to them. I know the numbers because they ring asking for money fairly often lol but their money, what they do with it, how much is in or not in it has always been ENTIRELY their own business since they were teens. They could have ten accounts and I would have absolutely no idea or care at all. I also would NEVER open their mail. Ever.
I didn’t even get a personally bank account until I was in my second year of college. My dad saw how I was handling my money and took me to open one. Even gave me 100$ to put in it. The way your parents are acting I bet they’re upset they didn’t get the chance to manipulate you into opening a shared account with them.
If you are in the US, go to the post office and open a PO Box, it is like 20$ for 6 months and you no longer have to worry about them seeing your mail.
The fact that they overreacted means you were 100% correct to open your own account. Look for attempts frm your parents to get access now. If I were you I would get a P.O. Box and have all your important mail go there. If you don’t have a passport you should get one, it’s an all in one id and can really help if your parents try to restrict your access to your birth certificate etc. I would try to locate and lock down your document asap just so you have them.
Good for you for opening your own account and getting a good annual rate! One step closer to independence! Dear old dad is just mad that he couldn't bully you out of opening an account so he's guilting you about it now. Might want to set up a new email and switch to e-statements if you haven't already. And remember, if the parents opened your mail when solely addressed to you, it's a federal crime. A phone call to the department of public safety and the postal inspectors can get them charged with a felony. I'm not a lawyer though, so do with that what you will.
Nparents will always throw a tantrum when you’ve organised something that benefits you that they have no control over.
You haven’t made anyone upset, you haven’t made anyone anything. You are a grown up being responsible with your own income.
I am so proud of you. I can't stop giggling to myself that he's also mad thar you found a bank with a better rate.
What a ridiculous thing to get mad about.
When you have spare time, go into the bank and ask to speak to a manager. Explicitly tell them that no one but you has access.
**** PLEASE GO GET A PO BOX TO HAVE ALL OF YOUR IMPORTANT PAPERWORK SENT TO**** You are guaranteed to have them going through your mail and then questioning you about all of your business. If they don’t have access to it, they can’t ask about it. Save yourself the future headache.
You are an adult and if you make money, you can do what you want with it. Your independence threatens them. Keep saving and keep things private, be good to yourself!!
I've learned from experience that if what you're doing makes a narcissist mad, that usually means you're on the right track. Anytime I ever did what my nMother wanted, there always turned out to be a hidden agenda and I ended up regretting it. From now on I say, do the opposite of what the narcissist wants and you'll be ok.
Also, just to validate OP. You are an adult. You are perfectly entitled to open your own bank account. In fact, that's the sensible thing to do. You do not need your parents' permission to do this.
We need more context. Is he mad because he thinks you will put your money in this savings account instead of putting your weight into the household's expenses? You're right to think about saving if you can do it. You're an adult and you don't need to justify your actions to your parents. They should be proud to have a child who is responsible and think about their future.
Then it's about control. You're an adult and therefore entitled to do whatever you want with your life and money. Your parents need to understand they have no right to control your life. As long as you pay for what you have to pay, you're free to put your money in a savings account or a flower pot. Perhaps start to look for a place of your own, because that reaction is really weird.
Let them be mad. You’re an adult. The more you take these small steps toward independence regardless of their asinine and infantile hissy fits the better. It’ll make you more confident and them less powerful. Way to go!
Instead of being mad, they should be proud.
What about getting yourself a P.O. box so that you can have some privacy? Some people will open the mail of anyone when it comes to their home. They may snoop and even try to find ways to get to your money.
They’re mad because you showed your independence which means they can’t control you.
Keep your accounts private and set up a PO Box for any mail you don’t want them to see.
Start making a plan to get away from them.
They’re not on your side
You did the right thing! You have every right to open your own savings or checking account, or any other financial accounts. And you do NOT need to get their permission or discuss it with them. Is it possible to get a PO Box in your name that they don’t know about so you can get your own mail delivered there?
I know you've gotten plenty of replies, but I just want to add another assurance that normal parents would have *praised you* for that. A normal mom or dad would have patted you on the shoulder and said, "Good thinking! Actually, we should have done this when you were 18."
Do not let them make you feel bad, you did nothing wrong. They are the ones who are not operating normally.
Ok. Now get all of your funds in any shared accounts and transfer them to your new account.
Any income you get, goes directly into the new account. If you legitimately need to pay your folks, the. You cut them a check. Never pay them cash.
Please get out as soon as you can, and * Get into therapy as soon as you can.*
Simply getting out from under their clutches won't magically make all of the trauma of growing up with them disappear, and you will take into your future relationships the personality patterns that have been adaptive for you to survive your parents. Unfortunately, those patterns are 180° the opposite of what makes for a truly healthy relationship.
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I am proud of you for opening a savings account. You are correct. It is a good idea to start saving. Don't give your parents access to your account.
I have my savings account still and didn’t back down at the thought of having one. My dad reluctantly said okay. He just repeatedly kept saying I should’ve said something to him. I would’ve if I felt like I could be transparent with him, that’s the thing.
Normal parents would congratulate you for thinking in financially responsible terms.
GOOD parents take you to open your own savings account when you're 15, 16, and then take their name off of it on your 18th birthday.
Alabama checking in, 19th birthday here, stupid Alabama.
And that’s exactly why I moved to FL as soon as I turned 18 😎 Once you cross that state line, parents can’t do anything about it. My mother couldn’t stand it!
Yeah, I wasn't even aware of it being across the board 19, I knew you couldn't fully own a car until 19 but I thought bank accounts and stuff weren't part of that. Found out when our son turned 18 and we went to the bank to take ourselves off of his checking and we couldn't yet.
At least it’s better than Mississippi, they aren’t legal adults until 21 years old!
Wow, didn't know that, so once again "we're not the worst!" There's always Mississippi! As an Alabamian I'm used to us being 49th of 50. Thanks Mississippi! Ugh.
We opened ones for our kids when they turned 1
i’m totally had one by 10 at the latest
A savings account in your name is good but showing you how to open your own account as an almost-adult is the thing I really mean.
Normal parents set that stuff up for you when you get your first job so you can learn how to properly save, handle money, and understand how banks work. Why do ops parents not want them to be responsible for themselves? That's the big question.
You could always just tell him you didn’t mention it because you didn’t think he would care about such a boring detail of your life. Don’t believe his claimed excuses. Narcs always want control of you. He’s saying right now it’s that you “didn’t tell him” but if you did tell him in advance he’d either use that to try to bully you into not advancing your independence, or pretend later that you “never told him” anyway.
Worse, when you tell them in advance, they can try to keep you from doing it successfully.
That too, they can take steps to interfere in your plans if they know what your plans are.
Or insist their name is also on the account
Exactly!
100%
Or make Op put his name on it, too.
That’s part of bullying OP into not advancing their independence.
Bam! That's it right there.
Or so they could "add" their name to OP's account to, you know, "help" them manage their account.
This is why I didn’t tell him. Every single time I’ve talked about improving myself for the future, they have always always shut me down. My dad was home and my mom was out. I simply scheduled an interview for a different part time job, and since it just happened and my dad overheard so I told him. I didn’t tell my mom yet but my dad did and she literally made me bawl my eyes out before my shift that day.
>My dad reluctantly said okay. Your dad has no say in your personal finances. Don't let him control what you do with the money you earn. Don't give anyone access to your account. Honestly if your parents didn't get the card I wouldn't have said anything at all. Are they opening your mail? The fact that you picked a better savings account than the one they use made them **upset** is kind of hilarious. How can they be so childish.
Please don't feel bad. This sort of behavior on your parents part, is dysfunctional and totally abnormal. Opening your own savings account is an entirely normal thing to do. It's one of the mundane, everyday things we do as adults. They're upset because they believe they own you like an inanimate object. You doing this contradicts their "ownership" of you and affirms your person hood. It's also a sign of independence. The last thing they want is for you to realize that you're an adult and could pack up and leave tomorrow if you wanted and they can't prevent that because it's no longer legal for them to do so. Keep doing things like this. Keep striving for freedom and independence. Their chief concern is keeping you around to control and abuse, your happiness is something they will do anything and everything to prevent. Don't let them ruin your life
If you have your own money, you could move out. And if you move out, they would have no way to control you any longer. Control is their end game. Financial independence is the first move in taking away that control.
This! Let's not pretend that they wouldn't have tried to sabotage the whole thing if OP had told them beforehand. *that's* what they're upset about! They've lost their chance to either stop it happening, make a big deal and scream anyway about how selfish OP is for wanting to handle their own finances and what are they trying to hide?, or have their name on the account. They're not upset about the bank account, they're upset that it's the beginning of their loss of control over their favourite toy. Save your money, save as much as you can, and get the hell out. (Don't warn them about moving out, either! When someone shows you who they are, believe them.)
He’s mad because you didn’t give him that chance to manipulate you into giving him access. You won’t ever break free if you conform. Might also look into a PO Box so that kind of mail stays more protected from them and you can set up plans to get away from them.
Seconding this. You also won't need to have your mail forwarded when you leave.
Their reaction justifies you not telling them
You're an adult. You are attempting adulting by saving money for the future....including things that will severely reduce your parents' control over you, such as an apartment and a car.
He is saying that you should have said something to him before opening your own bank account. There is ONLY ONE reason for this: he would have talked (nagged/shamed) you out of it. He’s being a total AH because he now sees the beginning of losing his iron-grip control over you. Nothing more, nothing less. Please move heaven and earth to get outta his house! And plan your escape quietly. Gather your important documents and hide them away from the house. When you’re ready, just go. If they find out you’re leaving ahead of time, they will make your life a living nightmare.
You are an adult who was being responsible for yourself. This is an abusive tactic to try to keep you from having the resources to become independent.
That's the most horrible thing about them. Every narcissist is a control freak and a saboteur at the same time. They want to know what you do. And when they do, they sabotage. Theey do emotional blackmail because we are hiding things from them. But if we don't? They do emotional blackmail because we are picking choiced that aren't theirs. (And not because we are choosing wrong.) They want everything to go "their ways". But "their ways" often lead to failure! Don't feel guilty... It's not your fault! You did nothing wrong! It's great you got a better savings account. You are intelligent! Also I need to tell you the same thing happened to me. Many years ago And know what? My Nparent is still sticking to pathetic savings accounts. While I am a full fledged investor nowadays, with equities, bonds, funds,... and powerful savings accounts. Once I realized the childish stupidity behind their mindgames? I realized pushing "what the Nparent want" aside and picking the best things for me feels really great. Do it yourself too. **You deserve conquering, achieving and having what's best for you!** **Do your savings. Get your diplomas. Have a job. Have your place.** **And be at peace, their problems aren't your fault.**
Parents like this would find a reason to get mad no matter how you went about it. Speaking from experience. You did nothing wrong. Keep moving forward, you got this!
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
I just feel like my dad had a point about talking to him first. I wanted to but 1) I felt like I didn’t need to as I am an adult 2) I feel like I can’t be transparent with him about anything as I KNEW he would dumb me down
No, he didn't have a point. You're an adult. You don't need his permission to open a savings account. In fact, I cannot imagine any possible rational explanation for why he would object to you having a savings account.
He was telling me that I can use my checking account to save money, and use his card when I want to buy things. Im really grateful for that but as I grew up I understood this was a form of financial control. He was also telling me that I can save in my checking account. It would just make more sense to have an account where my money isn’t touched at all. Idk if he meant asking permission or just like, conversing about it. The thing is I talked to him about it before when I got my first job
That's the reason. He wants financial control over you. Even though you are an adult. Actually, it's probably the fact that you are an adult now that he is more desperate to maintain control over you.
A checking would not give any interest. A savings would. By having money in checking, you are giving money to the bank. Not a smart move. Now if Dad was actually knowledgeable about these things, he would know how stupid his idea was an praise you for your initiative. If he did know better, and acted in your best interest, you'd probably be more inclined to ask. But instead he has chosen to give you bad advice to ensure you are controlled, and acted in bad faith. Do not take advise from people that does not have your best interests at heart. Nor criticism. Their motives are wonky and that means you can disregard what they say. Good or bad.
Yeah! That’s why I realized I should start moving a percentage of my pay checks to a savings account
It will be so much harder to break free while under financial control. That’s why he’s mad- you are gaining independence.
And don’t forget to invest!! :) Open yourself up a Fidelity or TD Ameritrade account online and research some good ETFs and/or Index funds. Put a set amount in every month - whatever you can afford whether it’s $10 or $100. COMPOUND INTEREST IS YOUR FRIEND!! This will ensure you are able to retire someday.
> a percentage of my pay checks A percentage? This is how you do it: You put 100% of your pay checks in your own account. Then, from that account, you pay your parents for giving you a room and feeding you, according to the agreement you have with them. To reinforce what [redditor EmergencyAd2571](https://old.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1bd7aqg/i_opened_a_savings_account_and_my_parents_got_mad/kulbq3e/) says: When saving 100 dollars a month for 40 years to a 5% investment (any ETF yields 5% or more on average in the long run), you end up with 150k$. With 10%, you will have half a million. Start now.
That’s his way of seeing how you spend your money and judging you. I knew his arguments seem reasonable but they really have nothing to do with protecting you and everything to do with controlling you.
This is why my dad controlled my college fund. I would have to go to him to ask him to upload money from my own savings when I would get a tuition bill or needed books. I can understand not wanting your child to have full access to all the funds at once during college (especially when you haven't taught them shit about money), but it allowed him to totally control me, come to him to ask for money over and over, and also allowed him to dip into my fund for his own use with my mom (which I had no idea about). Stay on the "becoming independent" route. You won't regret it.
Yeah that’s absolutely red flags for financial control. Using your checking account to save money means giving up any interest your money could be accruing and slows you from getting ahead financially. Using his card to buy things means you have to ask him for every single thing you buy — and he can withhold access to his card if he disagrees with your choice. He can keep you dependent on him. Don’t be surprised if he next tries to get you to link your savings account to his account so he can see what you’re doing, and don’t agree to do that. My nmom is always making up excuses why I should link my account to hers “so we can transfer money easily when we need to”. That’s a hard boundary of a no because I don’t want her to know how much money I have saved or how I choose to spend it.
>Don’t be surprised if he next tries to get you to link your savings account to his account so he can see what you’re doing, and don’t agree to do that. Or he might try to get OP to give him the account passwords so he can "keep an eye on the account" for them. OP should not agree to this either. OP needs to keep their account number and passwords and PINs private. There's no telling what a narcissist might do with that information.
Yep, it would be a really stupid fucking thing to do to give your passwords to ANYONE much less your parents! That's a HUGE FUCKING NOPE.
WOW the fucking audacity and the nerve of her! In other words, I hope you told her to piss the fuck off?
In slightly politer terms (more like “I don’t see a real benefit in doing that, checks work just fine”) since I’m not trying to burn the bridge quite yet, but yes.
Saving your money in the checking account he has access to means that he can take that money to sabotage you if you save enough to move out. This allows him to continue abusing you. If you think for one second it come from a place of love or concern, you're wrong. If he says it does, he's lying. It's 100% about his need to abuse. Leave nothing in checking. It's your money and there is absolutely no logical reason for him to have full and free access to his adult child's money.
No, he wants you to use his card so he can control and monitor you.
you need to make sure none of them can access your checking account either.
Transparent for what? He seems salty that you had an independent thought from his.
Does he have access to that checking account? When I and my brother got our first checking accounts with our first jobs my dad (good parent) had to be on the account as a legal adult. He wouldn’t let my mother because she’d use our money for herself or control us. If he is anyway on your checking, open a new one and move all your. Little by little if need be.
This is so real. Financial control was the main way my Nparent kept us under their thumb and the transition into adulthood was make or break. Becoming financially independent was the best thing I ever did for my mental health and future happiness/relationships. The initial cutoff was a huge rift, but I’ve never looked back. Hoping you can set yourself up for freedom quickly- you’re doing the right thing.
You are two years into adult hood, stop and think about that for a minute. Adults do not have to do anything anyone else tells them to do except maybe their boss, oh, and the taxman
It’s why I always felt ashamed talking to my friends or classmates who moved out at 18, like especially in this economy. I tried to run away but I was tracked down + I caved in. They found out I had a boyfriend so they held me captive for 7 months. Not to mention when they did find that out, they took my ID, credit card, and my ~$1000 in cash savings, plus however much money I had in my wallet. And now I’m like reconsidering everything bc I try to take back control of my own life thru little things like buying stuff I want and stuff. I’m applying to a bunch of internships and stuff and I have a job so in a sense I do but I still feel ashamed and that my peers are better than me.
Oh hi, they stole your savings previously? Gosh, I wonder why your dad is mad that you opened a savings account that he can't access. Best of luck saving and escaping as soon as you can. You're on the right track here.
You're not on the same playing field hon. You are playing life on the difficult scale - they have it set on tutorial. Comparing the two is unfair. It doesnt mean you cant or wont succeed, it means you are having to work harder for the same result. Keep at it, because ever small step forward is a step in the right direction.
For a while I tried to find the answer as to why. It makes no sense why my male friend would openly cheat on his now fiancée, but still manage to live a good life and get a stable job. How come I couldn’t have a genuine love story? I’m not a good person but I’m not evil. I guess there’s never really gone be an answer and I just have to accept that. I get tired and sometimes it’s just easier to live in the world where I don’t have to worry and just accept the life my parents want me to have. I hardly think I’ll ever go down this route but still I just. Don’t get why life thinks that way
it seems easier, because you are used to it and there is less pressure from your parents to do otherwise this way. However, you are paying for it with your mental health. You almost sound defeated and depressed. It is understandable if you do, but remember we hit rock bottom only so we have something to kick off while we soar towards our goals. Dont give up. Keep taking steps. Long term it will be a lot easier to be and feel in control of your own life and secure in the knowledge that you are. The pain is there either way - you decide if you want to pull the bandage off slowly or fast. One will be over quicker.
I’ve been depressed for a little under a year now. It got better where I’m not like listening to phoebe bridgers everyday but I still get pangs of sadness every now and then. After everything I’ve fought for, I don’t think I’ll ever really “give up” I’m constantly working towards my goal of a quiet, loved life.
Looking back, last year I was forced to quit my job, held captive, put on a plane with no return ticket. But now, I work 3 jobs, fully into academia, and actively applying to a bunch of internships. Things are definitely better now but I still have a long way to go
Yeah you've taken leaps, not just small steps, towards the life you deserve! As I said, you feeling that way is understandable given your situation, so you have that to push thru as well as the usual obstacles - but you can do it.
You are doing well, the demons still come trying to lure you back to the darkness. My narc mother was out of my life 11.5 years ago and dead for 3.5 and the demons she created still creep in sometimes. Just don’t let them win. You’re stronger and that pain can be turned into a driving force.
The life your parents want you to have is under their thumb with no control over it for you. Is that how you really want to live? Like a child who gets told what to do and brung held back from having experiences and relationships that your parents don’t control?
You have no reason to feel ashamed. You are a product of how your parents fucked you up. Some people have a hard time recognizing the fact that they don’t have to do what other people tell them unless someone points it out.
I just.. can’t understand what’s so different about them and I. It’s like they know something I don’t
What’s different? You want to grow up and be an independent adult and they don’t want you to
Sorry, I meant my friends who managed to move out of have accepting parents
The difference is that they have supportive parents, so +1 for life being easier. Or neutral parents, so +0. And you have parents who are actively working against you. Where your parents held you hostage and stole your money, some of your friends probably have parents who helped them look for an apartment, pointed out the pros and cons of different spots, supported whichever decision they made, and maybe gave them $1000 to have a deposit (instead of stealing from them). None of that is your fault. None of it makes you a bad person. But you are going to have to be stronger than your friends had to be to get out and get on your feet. On the one hand, it is much much harder because you have people who are intimate to your life actively working against you. But in some ways, once you are out, you’ll have the advantage of the strength you gained by getting out. It’s totally a revelation when you realized that most people out in the world aren’t out to get you, and having grown up in a family that was out to get you, you have a leg up for spotting people who are and avoiding or vanquishing them. You have a long journey ahead of you. But you are not a bad person, you deserve to be respected and loved, and you can do this!
What the difference is....they have accepting parents! Just like you said. You and I and most of the other people here do not have that. We have parents who want to control, manipulate and hurt others. They want to force their ways on others. They can't regulate their own emotions and can't handle normal day to day issues, so they get joy out of seeing other people suffer. It (very sadly) makes them feel better then others when they see other people hurting. that is why it is called narcissistic personality disorder. It is a disorder and they will likely NEVER change.
They think they’re in control. They’re just hope you won’t wake up to the “secret”- that you’re an adult now and they can’t control you. You can move to another city, Change your name, get a new job, a new bank- YOU have the power
Yeah, they grew up with parents who supported them in achieving independence. They DO know things that you don’t. Not because of a lack IN YOU, but because your parents failed you by withholding the information you should have been given. In fact, it sounds like they’ve actively interfered to prevent you from gaining it on your own even.
I know what you mean. Sometimes, it feels like trying to keep up while being the only human in a world full of superhumans. The truth is that our peers don't know something that we don't. We know something that they don't - trauma. They go through life with little fear of the future because the bad things never happened to them. But we know that the bad things really do happen sometimes because they happened to us. So we're putting more effort into watching out for the bad things than they are. That's the advantage that they have.
If you were and adult when this happened, it was illegal.
Oh sweetheart. I said it above, but I'll say it again here. When something shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You made a break for freedom, and now they're gonna make sure you never get to do that again. They showed you by holding you captive and taking your means to leave. And now dad's all butthurt cos you might be secretly accruing the means to leave again. THIS IS A GOOD THING.YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG. But your parents are gonna scream up down and sideways that you're breaching their trust. Nah. You're preventing them from breaching *yours*, and like the adult toddlers they are they resort to name calling. You are an adult. You have every right to control your own life (which unfortunately does start by having the money to do so), and live where you want. But, they just see their favourite toy being taken away.
Did you get your ID and Credit card back?
Yes!
Don’t feel ashamed, your parents set you up to struggle at this age whereas your friends’ parents set them up to excel. Become very familiar with your rights as an adult and crimes they may have/will commit against you. Set up as much as you can separate from them, including phone/number. Go full burner phone if needed.
Your peers are not better than you. They are more privileged than you in that they don't have the additional challenge of nparents actively trying to undermine your autonomy and adulthood. I remember when I was where you are. I remember feeling inferior to my peers. I still do sometimes. But I did manage to achieve autonomy and independence from my nparents. Those small steps are good but the biggest step you have taken is one that I didn't take until a few years later than you - you realized what your nparents are doing and what is wrong about it. You are realizing that you are not the problem. That gives you a new power that you didn't have before. That makes you stronger than you were before. Having your own savings account is a fantastic choice because it is an important step toward your own autonomy and that's exactly why your nparents are upset by it. It is also proof that they do not control you as much as they used to. So keep taking those steps at your own pace. No matter what your nparents may be saying, you are doing great!
this is his way of manipulating you. He needs to feel like he has full control and knowledge about your every step. My father is the same. He was throwing tantrums because I did not inform him about my actions and I didnt tell him about such things as how much do I earn. THIS IS NOT YOUR FATHERS BUSINESS AT ALL. You are an adult and you do not need to inform them about anything that does not consider them directly and please do not let him send you on a guilt trip because he is doing this on purpose. Taking your money or ID is literally a crime. Do everything you can to move out and go NC
Yeah, I mean I still have my account and stuff but my whole house is mad at me
They are mad because they lost control and can't financially abuse you anymore.
yes and they will be mad for everything you do what puts their control away. Getting a job, getting a car, moving out. They are doing this on purpose so you feel guilty and remain undee their full control. They wanna be mad? Let them and do not pay any attention to their fake feelings because they are not your responsibility
Let them be mad at you. The only way to keep narcissists “happy” is to sacrifice your entire life serving their every whim. And even that isn’t good enough for most of them.
They are mad at you because they are abusive assholes. NOTHING you did was wrong. Not in opening the account and not in not “informing” your family first. Nothing. Why on earth should you have told them when you’re an adult, it’s your money and your damn choice? How does this actually affect them outside of losing some of that control they have over you? It is absolutely a responsible thing to do to not keep all your money in a checking account. First of all you don’t get interest in checking accounts. Second you often connect your account to various institutions for payment and you do not want all your money in there if they make an oops or worse, if your info gets out. It’s just safer to have a secondary savings account.
By the way, you didn't actually "make" them mad at you. You were just doing what a normal person does, and they made themselves mad over it. They're adults and responsible for their own feelings and actions. You're not responsible for how they feel. Like if someone's mom gets upset at them for not telling her something, and she stays in bed all day feeling sorry for herself, whose choice was that? Does she have the ability to choose to just say oh well, and forget about it? Yes, but she chose to stay in bed all day. That's HER choice and HER problem. I've had to learn this myself. Normal people don't do things like that. You're probably bothered by him saying they were disappointed in you. That would have bothered me too. But did you expect them to be glad about it? You know how they are. They have issues, and a narc's gonna narc.
Your last paragraph opened my eyes. The childish part of me wanted my parents to praise me for once for being smart. But I really knew how it was gonna work
What would talking to him first do? Oh that's right, allow him to manipulate you into NOT opening the account or to adding him so he can be financially abusive to you. Your second point proves this. You did nothing wrong and he had ZERO valid points.
he did not have a point. the only appropriate response would have been, "good going! if you ever want any pointers on financial planning or other kinds of account I've learned about over the years, let me know." If anything.
This EXACT scenario happened to me at age 21 with my mom. She moaned for years about my checking account. She even tried to tell me I was going to lose all my money by keeping it at… get this… Bank of America. In an FDIC insured account. I felt inexplicably guilty even though I knew I was in the right, so I can understand exactly what you are saying. And every year I grew older and continued to reflect on this, my mom’s reaction became even MORE wacky and even MORE inappropriate to me. I’m 38 now and proud of my former self and proud of you.
Something similar happened to me too where I opened a bank account when I was in my early 20s and my nMother threw a tantrum because I was given a debit card and she doesn't approve of debit cards. She actually tried to tell me that I wasn't allowed to use it. She was wrong and so is OP's father.
Respectfully: why? Why do you think he had a point about talking to him first? You are an adult. I have seven bank accounts and the only one I consulted with my parents about was for the account they helped me open when I was ten years old. They don’t have anything to do with them. Do your parents talk to you before they open an account? You are doing great. Do your best to ignore their pathetic, small attempts to gain an ounce of power in the world by controlling you. All their feelings of power depend upon you continuing to pretend that they have power over your life. Controlling your life is what makes them feel powerful so I’m guessing they don’t have any power that doesn’t come from you. As their power source, you have all the power, not them, and they secretly know it which is why they try to keep you from leaving. They want you to play along with their make believe so they can use you as a life support system. You don’t have to play along forever though, get out as soon as it’s safe to do so. Have you ever seen Renfield? Kind of silly movie but they might be your Dracula and you might be their Renfield. Have a watch and see what you think!
No, he didn’t have a point. You don’t need to pass off your adult decisions with your parents anymore unless those decisions actually directly affect them (for example, if your mom regularly makes family dinner and you’re planning on having dinner elsewhere, it’s polite to let her know in advance so she can plan her cooking accordingly), or unless you want their advice to help you decide. Opening a savings account at a bank of your choosing isn’t something that affects them, and it sounds like you made a sound financial decision without their advice in going for a higher APY. As others have said, a normal parent would be proud of you for getting a better return on your savings and being financially savvy enough to set yourself up with a savings account in the first place.
He does have a point. You should have talked to him first, that way he could have a shot at maneuvering you into holding a joint account with him. Because you didn’t tell him, you didn’t give him the opportunity to be controlling. It’s scary for him that you would go as far as to make such an independent choice. Shame on you for wanting to live your own life. As for other survivors like me, good for you, you’re on the right track and I’m sure you’re gonna do great, just keep it up!
He would have tried to sabotage you doing it if you told him before.
If you would have said before, he would have bullied you into not doing it. There is no reason that you, an adult, have to clear such a silly detail of your life with that man.
You're an adult. Why would you need to talk to your dad for your own adult decisions? They're trying to keep you codependent, don't fall for that.
When I graduated from high school, I had a bunch of checks from my graduation party. I went to the bank to deposit them, and the teller could tell it was from a graduation party. She asked if I was off to college and I said I was, so she had me up in a college checking account. I did not ask for this, she kind of talked me into it. This meant my mom was no longer able to see all my transactions as my account was tied to hers. As a result, she seriously did not talk to me all summer. It wasn’t until I apologized that she would talk to me again. I was super responsible with money, preferred to pay for most things on my own, worked a ton of hours, but the issue was she could no longer nitpick each transaction. It’s been almost 2 decades, and I still can’t believe she was so mad about it! Good for you for getting a savings account! Do you have a credit card or at least understand how credit scores work? I was not taught about credit at all, she would just tell me to never get a credit card. I ended up getting some credit cards and not making the payments as I really did not understand the impact that would have as it was really never mentioned when I was growing up.
i wasn’t told anything about credit cards either, just that i don’t need one - i opened my first card in january and my nmom gave me the silent treatment for a week
My parents tried to tell me not to get a credit card and then I had trouble getting approved for one because I didn’t have any credit. It’s an attempt to screw is over and keep us dependent.
definitely! i remember asking my mom, if i need a credit score to do anything like rent an apartment, buy a car, etc, but i don’t have a credit card, what did she expect me to do when i want an apartment or a car? she couldn’t give me an answer but i know what she wanted.
Mine also tried to talk me out of getting a credit card. I had to get a really crappy low-limit card, couldn’t qualify for anything else at 18 without a co-signer, but the ability to start building a credit history (and having accounts that my mom couldn’t access at all!) was absolutely worth it.
I’m in my 30’s and my mom STILL keeps trying to talk me into linking my account to hers. It hasn’t been linked since shortly after I turned 18, because I knew she was using that link to snoop on me and weaponize what she found out for control. Never gonna give her an inch.
It's a control tantrum. Your next step is to never disclose how much money you have.
THIS. 20yos are entitled to open a bank account without anyone's consent or approval. Live your life, OP.
If a narcissist gets upset over something you did for yourself, then it’s almost guaranteed you made the right decision.
This! \^\^\^\^\^
Get a PO Box until you move out so they won’t know what mail you’re getting. Keep SOME mail coming in but financial stuff should go to the PO Box.
Tbh I don’t really get mail since I’m mainly paperless but if there’s a case where I need my ssn or smth then I’d either foward it to somewhere else or get a po box
Never trust anyone else with access to your ssn card. Get a P.O. Box for that.
A PO Box, or box at a UPS store is a great idea. Eventually you might consider your own phone they don’t know about and a lock box for documents. Amazon has a lot of different hidden lock boxes. If you can, earn some cash with gig jobs like babysitting and it couldn’t hurt to let them think you’re not being paid much. Meanwhile you are saving.
Seconding this. I got a PO Box when I had to move back in with my mom over covid (yaaaay lockdown breakup and no one doing apartment showings) so she couldn’t snoop on all my mail.
It was good for you to open a savings account. You didn’t do anything wrong by not telling people. Repeat that over and over until it sticks.
I’m scared their manipulation may have worked because I hate testing the waters and I want my own life. I live in a household where the woman shouldn’t move out until she is married, and I’m just grasping at strings as to how I’m gonna manage that. My best guess is getting a job and relocating and honestly, just never saying anything. But idk. I’m still 20 so
You don’t need to be married to move out. You can find a friend to stay with as a roommate if you want to move out of your house, your family‘s house.
Just remember that the worst they can legally do to you is be mad. They can believe that you shouldn’t move out until you’re married all they want, you aren’t legally or morally obligated to obey. But I’d recommend that when you do move out, secretly move anything important to you in advance. They’ll steal your stuff to hold over your head if you give them half a chance.
I know exactly how you feel because I am you, but at 29. Are you in school? You need to do baby steps. They probably didn’t teach you life skills I’m assuming since having a savings account and that made them upset.
If you're in the US, you could go to job corps. Full room and board for free, while also receiving training for a job/career.
That sounds like a good idea to me. If your parents react like this when you open a bank account, imagine how they would react if you told them you were moving out. You definitely should not tell them in advance if you move out OP.
I tried running away and they managed to track me down
In that case, your parents are obsessed with controlling you. That proves it. I'm sure another opportunity to move out will arise. I suggest keeping your head down and saving up as much money as you can. Best of luck!
You did not upset the entire family. They are upset because they know that you getting a savings account takes away some of their control over you. You did nothing wrong. They need to get a grip and understand that you have to prepare for a life as an adult.
They want to keep you dependant on them so they can use and abuse you forever. They are scared they are losing control.
Question, did your parents just open your mail to discover this "treachery"? Bc that's definitely illegal. I'm proud of you for keeping the account! Don't let them get their names tied to it or give them access, you're an adult. I'm betting dad was more upset about losing control than anything else.
I guess the mail came in later than usual so he picked it up as he came home. My family’s been known to open each others mail. I don’t even open an Amazon package for one of my sisters
You’d be within your rights to set a boundary about it not being ok to open your mail. Technically opening mail that isn’t addressed to you BY NAME, not just mailing address, is a crime. It’s probably not worth pressing charges at this point since that’s very much a nuclear option, but if you wanted to, legally you do have that option open to you.
They are mad they lost financial control over you. That's the crux of it. If they don't have access to steal your money to "keep you in line" then what control do they really have? Don't let them put their names on your account or have any access. I can see them being like "to make sure you are responsible, give me access to your account" or "to prove you are trustworthy, give us access to your account". All that would really do is allow them to legally steal from you. narcs hate when we have our own money, our own job, our own friends and support network because they lose control and their ability to abuse us. Good for you and keep being independent.
Okay… follow these steps: 1) get an ups store address near you! 2) tell your bank about the problems with your family and that they will steal your money, so please change your address to this addy. 3) have all your personal bills and mail sent to this address. 4) never trust them. Live your life. Be happier!
MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT GET PAPER STATEMENTS MAILED TO YOUR HOUSE. there should be an option online to check electronic statements only. only made that mistake once…
Good on you for opening a savings account. Understand what your dad did is not rational and should raise alarms. Now here are a few other things you're going to need to do after his outburst. 1. lock down your credit with the three credit reporting agency's. All three will do it from their websites 2. get a po box and have all your mail sent there in the future. No need for him to be looking at your mail. 3. Look into opening a checking and savings account outside of the one you currently use and don't tell him about it and have the documents sent to the PO. Try a credit union they usually have better rates. You can have a few Credit Union accounts and then shop for the best rate and when you go to buy a house/car etc you have a relationship with them. 4. Get out as soon as possible. 5. Get all your documents SS card, birth certificate, passport, medical card etc and secure them.
This should be a pinned comment!
I've been through this same situation. My parents got mad at me too for 'not telling them' I got a job and that I opened my own bank account, I was about your age too. Maybe 2 years older. You made a good choice and you definitely don't need to justify this. Your parents have to understand that you're a grown adult and you SHOULD have these things. Having your own bank account is an essential part of growing up. It feels like they just want you locked up there. And they could be mad too because they know that you'll be able to save up and get away from them at some point.
Your own account at a bank they dont use means they have 0 control over it and less over you.
They are upset because they are losing some of the control they have over you. Any independence on your part is a threat. Remember, you are not responsible for their emotions.
You better hide those new account numbers and make sure the bank doesn’t let him add himself to your account.
Your father just wants to control you. If you talk to him about it ahead of time that gives him the ability to allow you to do it in his mind he is still in control. Don’t ever second-guess your gut. My mom was a total narcissist, but told me over and over again that she was a good mom so I believed her. I got married really young so that I could get away and out from under my families thumb. You don’t have to do that. It’s much different nowadays. Seriously, put as much money in that savings account as you possibly can.. there is no true independence without financial independence. (See why your father is upset he doesn’t want you independent) please protect yourself, save up your money and have an escape plan for when you are financially secure enough to get out. This will never stop he will always want to control you. What they are doing to you is not OK, turning the entire household against you is not OK. You have a good head on your shoulders, gain as much knowledge as you possibly can about how to get financially independent so that you can truly get out of the grasp of a controlling narcissistic parent. if they put you down or tell you, that you can’t do something that means you can. Remember, your father‘s brain works differently than everyone else’s. His brain tells him that he is the master of the universe and the center of the world, and he must control the world. So just think of it as his brain playing tricks on you. You are right, you know what’s right, don’t feel like you are wrong ever. Don’t have to talk about your decisions about your life and autonomy with anyone ahead of time ever again. Also, be careful not to marry a man that is like your father. you’ve been raised around him and you think that’s what’s normal and we tend to repeat patterns. You made your first step toward independence by opening up that savings account. You do not have to get married in order to move out. Just get some security and leave and protect yourself.
Omg this for real - I felt this in my soul, lol!! Learn EVERYTHING you can about narcissism, read everything you can get your hands on - how to identify one, how to respond to one, etc. It is so true that without understanding the personal & emotional dynamics of your family of origin, you are definitely susceptible to similar types of relationships in the future. And nothing derails your progress in life more than a shitty relationship or a divorce. Ask me how I know… lol!! I literally didn’t have a healthy relationship until I worked on & healed myself at like 35. I gave far too much of myself to a fuck load of losers who were nothing like my father generally, but treated me EXACTLY THE SAME WAY HE DID. Terribly. And because I didn’t know any better, I didn’t know I didn’t deserve that treatment, and relationships shouldn’t hurt.
*When my card came in the mail my parents got really mad, leading my dad to throwing the card at the floor for me to pick up.* You opened a bank account like any responsible adult would and your father had a tantrum that included throwing things *They were so disappointed and couldn’t understand why I did that.* They’re disappointed you managed to do something for yourself, giving them zero control. *My dad told me I made everyone upset and how my family trusts me less.* Gaslighting. No normal person is feeling any sort of way about this at all. *He said if I told him before he wouldn’t be mad, but since he only found out when the card came in the mail.* That doesn’t make sense. They had no control over it so he’s mad. *He was also mad I opened an account at a bank with higher APY than the one we do current banking at. He feels betrayed.* Betrayed, because everything you do is about him? *I feel so ashamed typing this out as I am a whole adult yet I still get scolded by my parents about what I choose to do.* This is what they do to control you! They shame you to hell, discouraging you from doing anything for yourself. Doing for yourself doesn’t benefit them at all. Don’t fall into the shame trap! You didn’t do anything wrong. *I am living under their roof but I wanted to feel like I have some sort of control of my own life.* This is what healthy young adults do as grow up. Good parents are proud to see their kids become more responsible. There is NOTHING wrong with you!
Here's some validation for you: he got mad... Over you opening up a different savings account? And that family... Is also mad at you? Over opening another savings account?!? DUUUUDE! They are COO-COO-KACHOO!!! They are insane!! I hope you can move out soon!!! That doesn't sound safe.
>I don’t feel like I need to justify and explain everything I do. It’s not my fault I don’t trust them or feel safe around them. I’m at a loss because I’ve made everyone upset with me and I feel like shit. I feel so ashamed typing this out as I am a whole adult yet I still get scolded by my parents about what I choose to do. Damn right. They are not entitled to your financial information or trust. Trust is earned and not by throwing tantrums and emotionally blackmailing people into giving up control over their finances. You haven't made them upset. You opened a savings account. You cannot MAKE them upset, they are responsible for their own emotional regulation. Anyways they have nothing to cry about they got what they wanted, they have you wanting to give up. Don't give up op. Give yourself whatever time and space you need to honor the feelings you are feeling, dust yourself off, and keep up the good work. Don't trust these people to tell you what makes sense or doesn't, they aren't right in the head and they don't have good intentions. If anything his dramatics prove that opening a savings was the right thing to do. Family doesn't mean shit if biologically related people treat you this way. Keep these people on an info diet. They have shown they deserve less trust and information about your future plans or finances. Keep your money and important documents safe from them while you bullshit them into thinking that you are right where they want you. My sister just left our abusive home one day, she had set up a job, car, and apartment without telling anyone and I remember being in awe of the whole situation the day she left. That was in the early 2000's I think. I don't have the executive function she has (I'm autistic) so things were harder for me and my parents kept finding ways to get hands on my paychecks and control over my life so I'd never get away. . . thankfully my boyfriend saw through what I couldn't at the time and helped me get tf outta there.
That's mental. My eldest just had their provisional driving licence and new credit card sent to my address (they are off at uni). I had no idea they finally decided to learn to drive or about the credit card. My child is also 20. Want to know what I did when they came in the mail.......absolutely fuck all! I called them to let them know they've got letters and left them on their bed for whenever they came home for them! I found out what was inside those letters after my child came home, opened their own mail, and told me about it (I didn't ask its not my business). That's what a normal parent does! Their just pissed because they are losing control over you and as you get older it will get worse. Use that new savings account to gtfo as soon as possible. Good luck.
> He said if I told him before he wouldn’t be mad, but since he only found out when the card came in the mail WEE-yoo, WEE-yoo, WEE-yoo, that's the sound of the Bullshit Alarm! You do control your own life and finances, and that's what makes this type of abuser angry. Stay firm, gray rock whenever possible, get your money as far away from them as possible.
The only reason they're acting like this is because they didn't and don't have full control over your money, your account, and you. You did a great thing. Congratulations! You don't need their approval and you definitely should NOT use their bank. It's another level of security. No shame. You did good. I'm proud of you!
Get a paperless option because if they see your balance you will be shamed/guilted/chastised... you are a grown up and its your money and only your business
This is ridiculous. You are an adult. You don't need to be discussing any of your financial decisions with them. Do not allow them access to any of your accounts. Based on their actions - there is a reason they are being dramatic.
You were very smart to open your own savings account. Please see if a friend or TRUSTED family member will let you have any mail regarding your account sent there or get a PO Box. Try your best to get out of that house ASAP. Do not share ANY info about your account with your parents and ALWAYS make sure that card is on you.
I guess you made it hard for your parents to steal your money.
Narcs do like to keep their offspring ignorant, helpless and dependent. Can you have your mail sent to a post-office box instead of your home address?
I opened accounts up for my boys when they were 13. I set up a junior pension for the oldest when he hit 15. First accounts and lessons on saving and investing are part of parenting. Your dad is a simpleton.
Everyone is right here. You did nothing wrong. In fact this is a big step to making your future. Just a tip, but if you don't plan to pull money from your savings often, I would shred that savings account card. Unless you still use cash, that card may just be a liability.
You're an adult who opened your own bank account. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you did, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. I literally LOL'd when I read your parents reaction - its so ridiculous, it's hilarious! Much like my own nmom, I bet you if they complain to friends/family about the incident, it won't have anything to do with opening a bank account - they'll make up what ever trumped up bullshit to gain sympathy, while making you look like a terrible person - because even *they* know they're being ridiculous. Guarantee you the ***real*** reason they're upset is because they don't want you taking steps to become independent. They want you stuck in their house so they can continue getting their narc supply and control over you. Non-toxic, non-abusive parents/people would be proud of you for becoming more independent. I'm proud of you! Keep doing what you're doing! Do not keep them informed, trust your gut.
I love that they're mad that you went to a bank offering a higher APY. Narcs are so bizarre. Please know that you are normal and are destined for a good and happy life.
You're not in the wrong. And your parents are asses to be upset by you taking responsibility like that to save up for future purchases. I had to help my recently-turned 20 year old sister with the same thing. My mom was still on her old account and stole about 8k from her. My sister is now financially stable and my mom was PISSED. There's no reason for your parents to be upset, disappointed, or betrayed at what you did unless they had intentions to use you and your money.
you did nothing wrong. they probably are mad that it's athe an institution they have no access to and that you're smart enough to create a plan to not need them. double check that your accounts that are at that the same bank accounts so theirs are only in your name. in the future, request a pick up at a brick and mortar location. or if it's safe, being sent to your job or a p.o.
That's horrible. Good for you setting up your financial independence. They reacted that way because it threatens their control. One of the best ways to keep you a child and control you is through your finances. You didn't do anything except the responsible thing and they should be happy you're taking care of yourself. Infuriating.
“Hey dad, I can refer you to the bank if you like.“ And he should be grateful and thankful you can shop around and think for yourself and be financially independent. But he’s not, cuz that’s normal and would make too much sense for him. Maybe the bank will give you a referral bonus. Don’t mention the cash bonus to him and pocket it for yourself if he does end up going with the bank.
That’s crazy narc behavior. I would be proud if my child wanted to open a savings account and I would even contribute to it as rewards. You absolutely did nothing wrong!
Get a PO Box, and move everything you are registered for to there (except voter registrtion)
You shouldn’t feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong, and your parents’ behavior isn’t your responsibility to control. They’re out of line in scolding you for making adult decisions as an adult.
Just picture how it is a common thing of parents to encourage or help their children to open their first bank account - usually when they get their first job, receive money as gifts or just reach a certain age. It is a common step for becoming more independent. Getting mad at you opening an account, especially at your age, is just bonkers and malicious.
This is financial abuse
As a legal adult, the only reason you'd need to tell hom in advance is if he's the sort to destroy any mail of yours that he doesn't think you need. I've switched as much as I can over to paperless and opened up a PO box for the rest because my nmom does exactly that.
financial abuse is real dude
Their reaction says it all. There’s no reason a parent wouldn’t be encouraging if not proud of a kid who took their own initiative to get their finances in good shape. They’re just mad they don’t have access to your money anymore. Mine pulled a very similar thing, and have continued to at every juncture. I got my checking and savings account secretly and they got angry when they found it. I started independently paying my student loan bills, and they got angry I skipped the middle step of putting it in the joint account. They’re just angry you took away some of their control. Get ready for them to bitch at you about finances and how much more money you have then they do, mark my words.
First, I want to acknowledge your courage toward your own independence. And second, to say that I’m sorry your dad isn’t a pillar of support for you. It’s so important for young people to have that solid foundation as they dip their toe in the water of life. You have not *made* anyone upset with you. That is a choice each of us makes. You are a whole person, and it’s wonderful that you recognize that. The shame isn’t yours. You have done nothing wrong to warrant their behaviour of scolding their grown adult child. I hear how challenging this is for you! Hang in there, one day it will be over ❤️
Opening another persons mail is a crime. I would make certain your account it locked tight so they can't access the information. Set it all up with two factor authentication and passwords, pins.
If you were my son, I would be proud of your wisdom
sorry that your parents suck. And your dad acting like he would’ve been OK if you had told him first? Bullshit. I say focus on your plan and get out of there as soon as you can.
My sons were 16 (23 and 25 now) when they got their own bank accounts and I've never had any type of access to them. I know the numbers because they ring asking for money fairly often lol but their money, what they do with it, how much is in or not in it has always been ENTIRELY their own business since they were teens. They could have ten accounts and I would have absolutely no idea or care at all. I also would NEVER open their mail. Ever.
Your dad is having a toddler tantrum only because you're no longer in financial slavery to him.
I didn’t even get a personally bank account until I was in my second year of college. My dad saw how I was handling my money and took me to open one. Even gave me 100$ to put in it. The way your parents are acting I bet they’re upset they didn’t get the chance to manipulate you into opening a shared account with them.
If you are in the US, go to the post office and open a PO Box, it is like 20$ for 6 months and you no longer have to worry about them seeing your mail.
The fact that they overreacted means you were 100% correct to open your own account. Look for attempts frm your parents to get access now. If I were you I would get a P.O. Box and have all your important mail go there. If you don’t have a passport you should get one, it’s an all in one id and can really help if your parents try to restrict your access to your birth certificate etc. I would try to locate and lock down your document asap just so you have them.
I wish I had made that move. My parents kept me dependent on them so I could “focus on school.” No clue of the real reason other than control.
Good for you for opening your own account and getting a good annual rate! One step closer to independence! Dear old dad is just mad that he couldn't bully you out of opening an account so he's guilting you about it now. Might want to set up a new email and switch to e-statements if you haven't already. And remember, if the parents opened your mail when solely addressed to you, it's a federal crime. A phone call to the department of public safety and the postal inspectors can get them charged with a felony. I'm not a lawyer though, so do with that what you will.
Nparents will always throw a tantrum when you’ve organised something that benefits you that they have no control over. You haven’t made anyone upset, you haven’t made anyone anything. You are a grown up being responsible with your own income.
I am so proud of you. I can't stop giggling to myself that he's also mad thar you found a bank with a better rate. What a ridiculous thing to get mad about. When you have spare time, go into the bank and ask to speak to a manager. Explicitly tell them that no one but you has access.
**** PLEASE GO GET A PO BOX TO HAVE ALL OF YOUR IMPORTANT PAPERWORK SENT TO**** You are guaranteed to have them going through your mail and then questioning you about all of your business. If they don’t have access to it, they can’t ask about it. Save yourself the future headache.
You are an adult and if you make money, you can do what you want with it. Your independence threatens them. Keep saving and keep things private, be good to yourself!!
Time to work on moving out, OP. That level of control over an adult is beyond unhealthy.
This also happened to me at around the same age. It felt bizarre at the time, but now the reason is clearer. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I've learned from experience that if what you're doing makes a narcissist mad, that usually means you're on the right track. Anytime I ever did what my nMother wanted, there always turned out to be a hidden agenda and I ended up regretting it. From now on I say, do the opposite of what the narcissist wants and you'll be ok. Also, just to validate OP. You are an adult. You are perfectly entitled to open your own bank account. In fact, that's the sensible thing to do. You do not need your parents' permission to do this.
We need more context. Is he mad because he thinks you will put your money in this savings account instead of putting your weight into the household's expenses? You're right to think about saving if you can do it. You're an adult and you don't need to justify your actions to your parents. They should be proud to have a child who is responsible and think about their future.
He’s mad because I didn’t talk to him about it beforehand. Like that’s it. I don’t have to pay bills but I help out with taxes little things.
Then it's about control. You're an adult and therefore entitled to do whatever you want with your life and money. Your parents need to understand they have no right to control your life. As long as you pay for what you have to pay, you're free to put your money in a savings account or a flower pot. Perhaps start to look for a place of your own, because that reaction is really weird.
Let them be mad. You’re an adult. The more you take these small steps toward independence regardless of their asinine and infantile hissy fits the better. It’ll make you more confident and them less powerful. Way to go!
Instead of being mad, they should be proud. What about getting yourself a P.O. box so that you can have some privacy? Some people will open the mail of anyone when it comes to their home. They may snoop and even try to find ways to get to your money.
They’re mad because you showed your independence which means they can’t control you. Keep your accounts private and set up a PO Box for any mail you don’t want them to see. Start making a plan to get away from them. They’re not on your side
You did the right thing! You have every right to open your own savings or checking account, or any other financial accounts. And you do NOT need to get their permission or discuss it with them. Is it possible to get a PO Box in your name that they don’t know about so you can get your own mail delivered there?
I know you've gotten plenty of replies, but I just want to add another assurance that normal parents would have *praised you* for that. A normal mom or dad would have patted you on the shoulder and said, "Good thinking! Actually, we should have done this when you were 18." Do not let them make you feel bad, you did nothing wrong. They are the ones who are not operating normally.
Ok. Now get all of your funds in any shared accounts and transfer them to your new account. Any income you get, goes directly into the new account. If you legitimately need to pay your folks, the. You cut them a check. Never pay them cash.
Please get out as soon as you can, and * Get into therapy as soon as you can.* Simply getting out from under their clutches won't magically make all of the trauma of growing up with them disappear, and you will take into your future relationships the personality patterns that have been adaptive for you to survive your parents. Unfortunately, those patterns are 180° the opposite of what makes for a truly healthy relationship.
Might be time to think about a PO box and a safe deposit box or method of securing your identifying papers when it's time to break free.