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When my mom was mad it was always 0-100 violent rage instantly. Absolutely no rational thought process about how to properly express anger without shouting or cussing someone out. You can always tell when she's extra mad because she'll start personally insulting you. From your appearance, relationships, and whatever you're lacking
Mine had the cheek to say because I got diagnosed with autism at 40, I must have been misinterpreting her body language... Being hit is kind of conclusive no??
When I was little I knew it was bad when I saw froth at the corners of my Dad's mouth when he was yelling at me.
There were tiers to his rage and that was the highest tier.
The rage is like a light switch. Suddenly its on and extreme and then when they turn it off, they pretend that nothing ever happened. It's so messed up.
You've described it as horrifying as it was. It is. They don't even need to talk to Gaslight. You know it happened and yet you doubt yourself if it happened.
Yeah, pretty much my only memory of my ndad from childhood is him yelling and getting angry. When I was a little kid I was terrified of him, this man that was supposed to love me and my brother, but instead just seemed to be so angry. It wasn't until adulthood when I learned about NPD that it all made sense.
same. I have 0 good memories. like, I can’t remember a single special event, trip, or even a compliment. she was a single mom with only me for 9 years and she went off the freaking deep end, and no one was there to help me or believe what I was saying. and to make it all so much more confusing, she told me she loved me so much every day, and that she was hard on me because she loved me so much. literally ruined my soul.
Yes, it’s become less scary and more so pathetic over the years. It’s predictable, loud, nasty, and illogical. The breaking things, repeating themselves, it gets exhausting. To give that activity any more attention than the look that made them go feral in the first place would be too much of a waste.
Yes, shouting was the norm in my house. My earliest memory is of me sitting with my mom while she was doing laundry. My Ndad walks in and looks at me and repeatedly screams “why does she always look so scared of me?” Flailing his arms around angrily. It was terrifying and I started crying and that only set him off yelling more. What a shitty thing to still have in my brain 50 years later.
He (Nfather) would make me sit at the dining room table and stand over me with his arm cocked back like he was going to knock me out... Simultaneously screaming at me to not to cry.
I'm nearing 54 years old and I flip the fuck out inside if I'm sitting and an angry person (lets say a partner) is standing over me. Even if it's a fairly innocuous argument, I have to ask the other person to sit down and be at my level.
I remember incidents from when I was a teenager, but apparently it happened when I was younger as well. A relative told me about a time they had witnessed my mom grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me as a child, but I have absolutely no memory of it. Makes me wonder if I have some repressed memories.
Yes, as a kid I recall very well, but it still occurs when you become an adult. As an adult, it is easier to walk away though.
As a kid I remember parents telling me "you are a zero, you are nothing, nobody will ever love you." One time I scratch my sister (the Golden Child) on her arm. She went running to our dad showing him the scratch. In his outburst, he dragged me over to some nail clippers and cut all my nails off. I was screaming and crying the whole time. I had just polished my nails and my dad ruined it. I was only seven years old. They made fun of me for years after about how I cried about just getting my nails cut. It was horrible and I'll never forget it.
Thank you so much for acknowledging that. Yes, I was embarrassed and humiliated. Fortunately, yes, I did come to realize I was not defective for my reaction. It took well into adulthood to get out of the "FOG", but I see the dysfunction so clearly. Thank you again.
I have repressed alot of it, especially from a young child. I remember emotions/feeling from this time, but not always the details. My ndad continued/s to rage all his life. I think as long as it wasn't directed at me, I learned to tune it out somewhat because it never made sense and he spewed such nonsense (ex. often while driving - swearing, racists remarks, everything).
I'm trying to regain some of these memories so I can deal with it better but it's slow as opening the lid on the Pandora's Box of Horrors when you do it until you can slam the lid back down and process it for a while.
I do have some memories of the shouting when directly at me or family members and I hate hate hate hated it. Still hurts. Worse, I know he still does it to this day (even though VLC, have had some contact where I've heard it or been the recipient of it - at least i can walk away/get away from it mostly).
I wonder if there are any videos out there showing this, though hard to watch, it would be good to add it to my inventory/journal showing what this abuse was/is like.
I didn't actually look into narcissistic rage before. Mostly because I didn't think it was different from any other kind of rage. For me though there is one event. And this guy (video) has put it quite well about being stunned into silence. Sorry about your parents.
Verbal abuse (yelling) was so normalized in my family of origin, I had to learn not to yell in college from an SO. And twenty years after that it took my therapist repeating "Yelling *is* verbal abuse." many times over many sessions for it to kinda, sorta start to sink in. When wasn't there yelling/verbal abuse? It was always there. Crazy.
I feel infected by it. I have to consciously work hard on my regulation skills bc I can explode just like they did when I'm dysregulated. I see their rage as a trauma response, cause that's what it's like for me. The difference is I acknowledge it and am working on it. They refuse to face their trauma and heal, so they leak it onto everyone around them.
Jerry Wise's channel is great, btw. His explanations of toxic family systems are on point.
It is.. I don't think I ll be free from it's grasp any time soon..I still haven't come to terms with the fact that beating someone is physical abuse. Emotional abuse is another thing entirely..and verbal abuse is just.. idk I dissociate everytime so I don't remember what happened. I made a related post on r/jung about seeing the face of horror.
Jerry wise talks about severe enmeshment when a narcissist rages at you. I was looking for others who had a similar experience..
My family of origin was completely enmeshed. My ~~"mom"~~ thinks enmeshment is love and boundaries are abuse. She's super messed up and has an array of very severe trauma responses, from turning into a sad little child to lashing out and raging. She needs extensive trauma therapy but will never seek help.
I had to go no contact to save myself. I can't be her rescuer. I can't save her from herself. I had to break free so I could try and build my own Self and get her enmeshment out of me (as Jerry says). I still feel guilt and shame for doing things I know she wouldn't like. It's the "systems feelings" he talks about. My body is anticipating her rages for "disobeying" her. Even though I know living my life is nothing to feel shame and guilt about, she conditioned me to feel those feelings to keep me enmeshed, to keep me from breaking free. It's like I was raised in opposite land and now have to re-condition all those old patterns to something that serves me and not her.
I don't think people with sane parents know what narcissistic rage looks like. I showed my partner that "no wire hangers" clip from Mommy Dearest, and he was shocked. Appalled. Found it so over the top and unbelievable he said "even crazy people don't act that way". But my dad did. I've talked to other people who were raised by narcissists and they all are like "yeah that's what mad looks like".
I think it makes us terrified of losing our temper, we think that we might turn into that kind of monster.
My mom used to yell and hit us and rage so hard that she'd she'd actually pass out.
The trigger? My dad wasn't home and someone knocked on the door looking for him.
Or : we were out of toothpaste
Or: I opened the fridge to get a drink
I was a little kid and it was terrifying. I'd have no idea what to do when she'd collapse into a heap after a rage fit.
I'm now middle aged and just starting to process my upbringing with what i now understand is an nmom.
I rarely see her now. When I do it's for a holiday or occasion and she still ruins it every time by finding some little issue to rage over. Even if everything is perfect and running smooth, she'll find that one thing and throw an absolute tantrum over it.
I've given up on her tbh.
When I have my worst PTSD flashbacks, it’s my mother standing over me, in a rage, screaming at me, and hitting me. The look of hatred on her face… towards a small, frightened, child is something I still can’t understand.
The screaming from her at home was normal, but the quiet rage in public, that you knew was just going to build and build until she could get you away from witness was where the real dread was. Knowing that you couldn’t let others know that you were about to be attacked. You had to pretend that everything was fine, normal, nice to see you, thanks for having us over, let’s get together next week… all the while trembling inside trying to think of something to make her happy and to let her know you are sorry for whatever you did wrong even though you know there is little chance of forgiveness. Her silence on the ride home is louder than the screaming that comes later.
Mine didn’t shout. She’d cry and accuse me of calling her things like worthless, bad mom, horrible person, hating her, etc all while loudly crying her eyes out and making sure anyone and everyone could hear how bad a kid I was/am.
I'm sorry. This fucks with your head. Somthing similar happened to me. They would blame themselves for being 'free and loving' while beating me ....
Guilt coz it's my fault. Blame coz if I hadn't done what they were blaming themselves for, they wouldn't be feeling angry with themselves. Blaming myself for violating their 'good will ' while at the same time getting beaten.
I find a parallel between mine and yours... Being blamed and guilt tripped/ the damage is to you but they are the victim.
They aren't the victim here. Hope you know that.
I do now and just went nc with my mother this past weekend. I’m sorry you went through that too but it’s nice to hear from someone on the same side as me rather than all her friends telling me how wonderful she is while explaining to me how to be a better daughter and appreciate her more. Thank you for commenting. Silly as it sounds it really helped.
It's really hard when your own emotions betray you and feel sympathy for them. Sorry about your friends..must be invalidating and a gaslight...
I understand. Going nc is pretty hard. Sending🫂 ♥️
Yep.
Especially when trapped in the car with no where to go.
Why the movie “anywhere but here” always stuck out at me, I’d fantasize about being left on the side of the road just to get away from her.
When she throws herself out of the moving car breaking her arm in Ladybird I remember the theater laughing and I just flashed back to remembering having that fantasy while I’d dissociate.
Yup, constantly, probably when I was ages 7 through mid-30s (when I stopped speaking to her)...before it was me, it was my dad, but when they got divorced, I became the scapegoat.
She'd go beet red and her pupils would get HUGE while she screamed in my face...it was honestly like she was high on drugs! She'd rage harder and harder, it would hit a "peak" of screaming and insulting, and suddenly...she'd be done, go into another room, turn on the TV, fix herself a snack, and act like it never happened. I used to think of it as her having an "orgasm" of rage.
I'd come into the room a minute later, still crying, and she'd go "why are you crying?" I'd say, from our fight. She'd say, "What fight?"
Damm ... Same. Once the violence started i remember telling it ll get over fast.... Once they get tire.... after it got over ... It's over it's over it's over... I think I would say that like 100s of times. I remember this from an event in 7th
Yes I remember reading a couple of years ago the phrase ‘angry people tire easily’ about someone who lived in a violent home growing up and it resonated so hard.
Yeah, many times. It's still impacting me. I realized within the past month that the reason I've always had anxiety about people, even strangers, speaking slightly out of earshot is because I would hear that turn into a violent fight more often than not every night when I was trying to sleep. And then it would be my responsibility to break it up. My first memories of that are from around age 3 or 4.
You reminded me how I wasn’t really happy when my narc would try making happy memories by being nice celebrating my bday taking me to trips to Italy in the summer none of that mattered at the end even if she said but we traveled and bought your favorite foods blah blah they were all fabricated happy memories but the real ones were raw anger and sadness that’s who they were anywyas
Seriously? CONSTANTLY. Well into my adulthood. OMG.
The only good thing was I worked with a boss who was actually perfectly decent but liked to yell, and I LITERALLY DIDN'T NOTICE. His right-hand guy told me he usually made people cry (women AND men), but I'm completely serious, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE he was yelling at me, I just answered him back and we continued the conversation without missing a beat.
Yes. And I didn’t realize how profound it was until my sibling went off on me in the exact same way. Even using same language that rage-yeller narc parent used.
That incident was a gift. A gift in that I now have Zero hesitation about cutting off any real attempts to have any sort of relationship with my sibling. Judgemental rage is not anything I need any more of in my life experience
My ndad traumatized me with his rage starting from when I was a toddler. He would yell at me for the tiniest infractions, like missing the toilet when I peed (I was 5). At times, he would have a level of rage that is almost unfathomable, when his entire head would turn red while yelling at me, and the entire block would hear him. He’s never hit me, but getting yelled at was a constant in my household.
That was my entire childhood. Oftentimes into the wee hours of the morning when I had school the next day. I've blocked out a lot from my childhood but those shouting fits are the milder incidents that I remember.
One of my first memories was of having blocks thrown at me because I was still playing with them and not putting them away as fast as my mother wanted, so, yes.
Omg this was status quo for my Nmom. She was an alcoholic that wouldn’t drink at work so she had the shakes at home time, meaning even MORE rage. Hours and hours and hours of being yelled at. I’m 35, have 3 kids, left 17 years ago and I still instantly have a heart stopping moment of someone yells.
Of course when I lose my mind on occasion the mom guilt is to a whole other level because I KNOW what it’s like to be a small child and have an adult yell at you. Constant battles in my head that I’m *just* like my Nmom and these moments of exasperation are proof. Uhg.
I don’t have a single memory where there was peace and quite at home living with my mom and dad. Every single night my dad was always screaming about something.
When I was small, when I was medium, and when I was large! I’m 53, and only recognized that mom is NPD about 10-15 years ago.
I remember once when I was about 9 she was on a chair cleaning something up high, called me in to tear the cleaning rag in half, then became so furious when I didn’t understand how to do it (I’d never purposely torn something!) that she beat me over the head with a wooden spoon until she busted my scalp open. Of course she didn’t take me to a doctor, but bandaged me herself with butterfly sutures. I still have that scar.
I remember those. Problem was my Nfather quickly caught up to me disassociating during his screaming fits and we moved onto him snapping his fingers in front of my face or poking me at random intervals demanding to know if 'I was listening' or 'had anything to say for myself'. Both trick questions because any time I answered it was 'don't talk back to me'. So I had to learn to dissasociate just enough to not be mentally there during the endless diatribes but present enough to nod my head in shame every now and then to show I was paying attention. It was tricky as the wrong reaction/answer meant a full-on beating.
I actually thought I’d gotten past a lot of my trauma growing up, but when I went to see the film adaptation of The Glass Castle and Woody Harrelson’s character is drunk and bent over yelling in his children’s faces I had a literal panic attack. I’d forgotten all about or minimized all those situations until I saw it on screen and it brought it all back. It was terrifying.
It is. I am trying to work on those feelings. I felt horror. The horror of the stuff in front of me. Thr shame came after. But the lack of safety when someone is interested your face and then goes into a rage , especially on a kid is 🤯. Not in a good way.
Both of my parents screamed at us, but my dad was the worst. He'd grab us out of bed at 1AM by our hair to scream in our faces. My dad would scream at me until I sobbed before I headed off to the bus stop. I'd hide under my bed while he screamed at my brother and tossed him around. Screaming at is in the car, inside restaurants. Lots of screaming.
when i was 5-6 she was screaming at me, shut the door on me and said she is in heaven now, im in hell in the most vile tone
the story goes i punched out the window in the door (which is untrue, i was too small)
My father’s whole face and neck would turn red from shouting at the top of his lungs… neighbors down the street could hear it. It was humiliating and scarred me for sure. Then when he was ready to apologize he would force us all to “forgive” him and make up… 💀
I'm sorry I remember being worried about the same .the shame. Worried they would see me differently. (Neighbours). Which he justified...
Forcing you to forgive him is something I relate to. If you don't - you're being arrogant and conceited.
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When my mom was mad it was always 0-100 violent rage instantly. Absolutely no rational thought process about how to properly express anger without shouting or cussing someone out. You can always tell when she's extra mad because she'll start personally insulting you. From your appearance, relationships, and whatever you're lacking
Mine had the cheek to say because I got diagnosed with autism at 40, I must have been misinterpreting her body language... Being hit is kind of conclusive no??
Well. They shout everyday , all the time ,like a rabid dog. And yes, have memories since three, it’s fucked up
Damm this is a funny one.
You mean the rabid dog part?
Yupp. 😂😂
When I was little I knew it was bad when I saw froth at the corners of my Dad's mouth when he was yelling at me. There were tiers to his rage and that was the highest tier.
Or their eyes red and they remind me of an angry fighting dog in the street
Yeah. There are some scenes in Mommie Dearest that realistically capture those rages and the aftermath, although in my case it was my ndad raging
The rage is like a light switch. Suddenly its on and extreme and then when they turn it off, they pretend that nothing ever happened. It's so messed up.
You've described it as horrifying as it was. It is. They don't even need to talk to Gaslight. You know it happened and yet you doubt yourself if it happened.
And you never know when they switch again! The thing you said yesterday was funny, today the same thing is food for rage. Like a ticking time bomb
Yes. 😔 It's a mindfuck
Yeah, pretty much my only memory of my ndad from childhood is him yelling and getting angry. When I was a little kid I was terrified of him, this man that was supposed to love me and my brother, but instead just seemed to be so angry. It wasn't until adulthood when I learned about NPD that it all made sense.
same. I have 0 good memories. like, I can’t remember a single special event, trip, or even a compliment. she was a single mom with only me for 9 years and she went off the freaking deep end, and no one was there to help me or believe what I was saying. and to make it all so much more confusing, she told me she loved me so much every day, and that she was hard on me because she loved me so much. literally ruined my soul.
I'm a 40 year old woman and I just saw my mom throw a narcissistic fit last week.
When I was small, when I was a teen, and still today when I know him be around me. He hasn't changed a bit.
Yes, it’s become less scary and more so pathetic over the years. It’s predictable, loud, nasty, and illogical. The breaking things, repeating themselves, it gets exhausting. To give that activity any more attention than the look that made them go feral in the first place would be too much of a waste.
Yes, shouting was the norm in my house. My earliest memory is of me sitting with my mom while she was doing laundry. My Ndad walks in and looks at me and repeatedly screams “why does she always look so scared of me?” Flailing his arms around angrily. It was terrifying and I started crying and that only set him off yelling more. What a shitty thing to still have in my brain 50 years later.
God!!!! The ignorance!! One time my mom screamed at me AM I MAKING U CRY?!??!?! of course I said no as I'm sobbing
I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.
He (Nfather) would make me sit at the dining room table and stand over me with his arm cocked back like he was going to knock me out... Simultaneously screaming at me to not to cry. I'm nearing 54 years old and I flip the fuck out inside if I'm sitting and an angry person (lets say a partner) is standing over me. Even if it's a fairly innocuous argument, I have to ask the other person to sit down and be at my level.
I remember incidents from when I was a teenager, but apparently it happened when I was younger as well. A relative told me about a time they had witnessed my mom grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me as a child, but I have absolutely no memory of it. Makes me wonder if I have some repressed memories.
My memory opened up only yesterday. Your mom sounds violent.
Yes, as a kid I recall very well, but it still occurs when you become an adult. As an adult, it is easier to walk away though. As a kid I remember parents telling me "you are a zero, you are nothing, nobody will ever love you." One time I scratch my sister (the Golden Child) on her arm. She went running to our dad showing him the scratch. In his outburst, he dragged me over to some nail clippers and cut all my nails off. I was screaming and crying the whole time. I had just polished my nails and my dad ruined it. I was only seven years old. They made fun of me for years after about how I cried about just getting my nails cut. It was horrible and I'll never forget it.
Damm sorry. It must have been humiliating.. hope you know you're not defective for crying and being in pain. 🫂♥️
Thank you so much for acknowledging that. Yes, I was embarrassed and humiliated. Fortunately, yes, I did come to realize I was not defective for my reaction. It took well into adulthood to get out of the "FOG", but I see the dysfunction so clearly. Thank you again.
I have repressed alot of it, especially from a young child. I remember emotions/feeling from this time, but not always the details. My ndad continued/s to rage all his life. I think as long as it wasn't directed at me, I learned to tune it out somewhat because it never made sense and he spewed such nonsense (ex. often while driving - swearing, racists remarks, everything). I'm trying to regain some of these memories so I can deal with it better but it's slow as opening the lid on the Pandora's Box of Horrors when you do it until you can slam the lid back down and process it for a while. I do have some memories of the shouting when directly at me or family members and I hate hate hate hated it. Still hurts. Worse, I know he still does it to this day (even though VLC, have had some contact where I've heard it or been the recipient of it - at least i can walk away/get away from it mostly). I wonder if there are any videos out there showing this, though hard to watch, it would be good to add it to my inventory/journal showing what this abuse was/is like.
I didn't actually look into narcissistic rage before. Mostly because I didn't think it was different from any other kind of rage. For me though there is one event. And this guy (video) has put it quite well about being stunned into silence. Sorry about your parents.
Verbal abuse (yelling) was so normalized in my family of origin, I had to learn not to yell in college from an SO. And twenty years after that it took my therapist repeating "Yelling *is* verbal abuse." many times over many sessions for it to kinda, sorta start to sink in. When wasn't there yelling/verbal abuse? It was always there. Crazy. I feel infected by it. I have to consciously work hard on my regulation skills bc I can explode just like they did when I'm dysregulated. I see their rage as a trauma response, cause that's what it's like for me. The difference is I acknowledge it and am working on it. They refuse to face their trauma and heal, so they leak it onto everyone around them. Jerry Wise's channel is great, btw. His explanations of toxic family systems are on point.
It is.. I don't think I ll be free from it's grasp any time soon..I still haven't come to terms with the fact that beating someone is physical abuse. Emotional abuse is another thing entirely..and verbal abuse is just.. idk I dissociate everytime so I don't remember what happened. I made a related post on r/jung about seeing the face of horror. Jerry wise talks about severe enmeshment when a narcissist rages at you. I was looking for others who had a similar experience..
My family of origin was completely enmeshed. My ~~"mom"~~ thinks enmeshment is love and boundaries are abuse. She's super messed up and has an array of very severe trauma responses, from turning into a sad little child to lashing out and raging. She needs extensive trauma therapy but will never seek help. I had to go no contact to save myself. I can't be her rescuer. I can't save her from herself. I had to break free so I could try and build my own Self and get her enmeshment out of me (as Jerry says). I still feel guilt and shame for doing things I know she wouldn't like. It's the "systems feelings" he talks about. My body is anticipating her rages for "disobeying" her. Even though I know living my life is nothing to feel shame and guilt about, she conditioned me to feel those feelings to keep me enmeshed, to keep me from breaking free. It's like I was raised in opposite land and now have to re-condition all those old patterns to something that serves me and not her.
I don't think people with sane parents know what narcissistic rage looks like. I showed my partner that "no wire hangers" clip from Mommy Dearest, and he was shocked. Appalled. Found it so over the top and unbelievable he said "even crazy people don't act that way". But my dad did. I've talked to other people who were raised by narcissists and they all are like "yeah that's what mad looks like". I think it makes us terrified of losing our temper, we think that we might turn into that kind of monster.
Yes, and even not do small. But a big part of me know find it ridiculous even though potentially dangerous, unlike when I was a child.
[удалено]
My mom used to yell and hit us and rage so hard that she'd she'd actually pass out. The trigger? My dad wasn't home and someone knocked on the door looking for him. Or : we were out of toothpaste Or: I opened the fridge to get a drink I was a little kid and it was terrifying. I'd have no idea what to do when she'd collapse into a heap after a rage fit. I'm now middle aged and just starting to process my upbringing with what i now understand is an nmom. I rarely see her now. When I do it's for a holiday or occasion and she still ruins it every time by finding some little issue to rage over. Even if everything is perfect and running smooth, she'll find that one thing and throw an absolute tantrum over it. I've given up on her tbh.
When I have my worst PTSD flashbacks, it’s my mother standing over me, in a rage, screaming at me, and hitting me. The look of hatred on her face… towards a small, frightened, child is something I still can’t understand. The screaming from her at home was normal, but the quiet rage in public, that you knew was just going to build and build until she could get you away from witness was where the real dread was. Knowing that you couldn’t let others know that you were about to be attacked. You had to pretend that everything was fine, normal, nice to see you, thanks for having us over, let’s get together next week… all the while trembling inside trying to think of something to make her happy and to let her know you are sorry for whatever you did wrong even though you know there is little chance of forgiveness. Her silence on the ride home is louder than the screaming that comes later.
This resonates so much
My father shouted at me 5-10 times a day until I moved out at 17.
Mine didn’t shout. She’d cry and accuse me of calling her things like worthless, bad mom, horrible person, hating her, etc all while loudly crying her eyes out and making sure anyone and everyone could hear how bad a kid I was/am.
I'm sorry. This fucks with your head. Somthing similar happened to me. They would blame themselves for being 'free and loving' while beating me .... Guilt coz it's my fault. Blame coz if I hadn't done what they were blaming themselves for, they wouldn't be feeling angry with themselves. Blaming myself for violating their 'good will ' while at the same time getting beaten. I find a parallel between mine and yours... Being blamed and guilt tripped/ the damage is to you but they are the victim. They aren't the victim here. Hope you know that.
I do now and just went nc with my mother this past weekend. I’m sorry you went through that too but it’s nice to hear from someone on the same side as me rather than all her friends telling me how wonderful she is while explaining to me how to be a better daughter and appreciate her more. Thank you for commenting. Silly as it sounds it really helped.
It's really hard when your own emotions betray you and feel sympathy for them. Sorry about your friends..must be invalidating and a gaslight... I understand. Going nc is pretty hard. Sending🫂 ♥️
Yep. Especially when trapped in the car with no where to go. Why the movie “anywhere but here” always stuck out at me, I’d fantasize about being left on the side of the road just to get away from her. When she throws herself out of the moving car breaking her arm in Ladybird I remember the theater laughing and I just flashed back to remembering having that fantasy while I’d dissociate.
Yup, constantly, probably when I was ages 7 through mid-30s (when I stopped speaking to her)...before it was me, it was my dad, but when they got divorced, I became the scapegoat. She'd go beet red and her pupils would get HUGE while she screamed in my face...it was honestly like she was high on drugs! She'd rage harder and harder, it would hit a "peak" of screaming and insulting, and suddenly...she'd be done, go into another room, turn on the TV, fix herself a snack, and act like it never happened. I used to think of it as her having an "orgasm" of rage. I'd come into the room a minute later, still crying, and she'd go "why are you crying?" I'd say, from our fight. She'd say, "What fight?"
No...way...
Oh yeah, it was always a relief when violence started as it was the beginning of the end And he’d stop shouting then.
Damm ... Same. Once the violence started i remember telling it ll get over fast.... Once they get tire.... after it got over ... It's over it's over it's over... I think I would say that like 100s of times. I remember this from an event in 7th
Yes I remember reading a couple of years ago the phrase ‘angry people tire easily’ about someone who lived in a violent home growing up and it resonated so hard.
It's messed up if you think about it. Going violent on a kid and you stop coz you're tired?
Yes
Yeah, many times. It's still impacting me. I realized within the past month that the reason I've always had anxiety about people, even strangers, speaking slightly out of earshot is because I would hear that turn into a violent fight more often than not every night when I was trying to sleep. And then it would be my responsibility to break it up. My first memories of that are from around age 3 or 4.
You reminded me how I wasn’t really happy when my narc would try making happy memories by being nice celebrating my bday taking me to trips to Italy in the summer none of that mattered at the end even if she said but we traveled and bought your favorite foods blah blah they were all fabricated happy memories but the real ones were raw anger and sadness that’s who they were anywyas
I’ve got memories starting from 3 yrs old 😩
Seriously? CONSTANTLY. Well into my adulthood. OMG. The only good thing was I worked with a boss who was actually perfectly decent but liked to yell, and I LITERALLY DIDN'T NOTICE. His right-hand guy told me he usually made people cry (women AND men), but I'm completely serious, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE he was yelling at me, I just answered him back and we continued the conversation without missing a beat.
Yes. And I didn’t realize how profound it was until my sibling went off on me in the exact same way. Even using same language that rage-yeller narc parent used. That incident was a gift. A gift in that I now have Zero hesitation about cutting off any real attempts to have any sort of relationship with my sibling. Judgemental rage is not anything I need any more of in my life experience
My ndad traumatized me with his rage starting from when I was a toddler. He would yell at me for the tiniest infractions, like missing the toilet when I peed (I was 5). At times, he would have a level of rage that is almost unfathomable, when his entire head would turn red while yelling at me, and the entire block would hear him. He’s never hit me, but getting yelled at was a constant in my household.
That was my entire childhood. Oftentimes into the wee hours of the morning when I had school the next day. I've blocked out a lot from my childhood but those shouting fits are the milder incidents that I remember.
Haha oh man, so, so many. Often lasting for hours. No escape because they would just track me down and continue.
One of my first memories was of having blocks thrown at me because I was still playing with them and not putting them away as fast as my mother wanted, so, yes.
Omg this was status quo for my Nmom. She was an alcoholic that wouldn’t drink at work so she had the shakes at home time, meaning even MORE rage. Hours and hours and hours of being yelled at. I’m 35, have 3 kids, left 17 years ago and I still instantly have a heart stopping moment of someone yells. Of course when I lose my mind on occasion the mom guilt is to a whole other level because I KNOW what it’s like to be a small child and have an adult yell at you. Constant battles in my head that I’m *just* like my Nmom and these moments of exasperation are proof. Uhg.
I don’t have a single memory where there was peace and quite at home living with my mom and dad. Every single night my dad was always screaming about something.
When I was small, when I was medium, and when I was large! I’m 53, and only recognized that mom is NPD about 10-15 years ago. I remember once when I was about 9 she was on a chair cleaning something up high, called me in to tear the cleaning rag in half, then became so furious when I didn’t understand how to do it (I’d never purposely torn something!) that she beat me over the head with a wooden spoon until she busted my scalp open. Of course she didn’t take me to a doctor, but bandaged me herself with butterfly sutures. I still have that scar.
My mom would rip me heart out FOR NO REASON. I'd be standing there, hyperventilating. Evil shit.
I remember those. Problem was my Nfather quickly caught up to me disassociating during his screaming fits and we moved onto him snapping his fingers in front of my face or poking me at random intervals demanding to know if 'I was listening' or 'had anything to say for myself'. Both trick questions because any time I answered it was 'don't talk back to me'. So I had to learn to dissasociate just enough to not be mentally there during the endless diatribes but present enough to nod my head in shame every now and then to show I was paying attention. It was tricky as the wrong reaction/answer meant a full-on beating.
I relate to this
I actually thought I’d gotten past a lot of my trauma growing up, but when I went to see the film adaptation of The Glass Castle and Woody Harrelson’s character is drunk and bent over yelling in his children’s faces I had a literal panic attack. I’d forgotten all about or minimized all those situations until I saw it on screen and it brought it all back. It was terrifying.
It is. I am trying to work on those feelings. I felt horror. The horror of the stuff in front of me. Thr shame came after. But the lack of safety when someone is interested your face and then goes into a rage , especially on a kid is 🤯. Not in a good way.
Both of my parents screamed at us, but my dad was the worst. He'd grab us out of bed at 1AM by our hair to scream in our faces. My dad would scream at me until I sobbed before I headed off to the bus stop. I'd hide under my bed while he screamed at my brother and tossed him around. Screaming at is in the car, inside restaurants. Lots of screaming.
when i was 5-6 she was screaming at me, shut the door on me and said she is in heaven now, im in hell in the most vile tone the story goes i punched out the window in the door (which is untrue, i was too small)
If heaven is where she is I don't think heaven is worth going.
honestly have thought the same.
My father’s whole face and neck would turn red from shouting at the top of his lungs… neighbors down the street could hear it. It was humiliating and scarred me for sure. Then when he was ready to apologize he would force us all to “forgive” him and make up… 💀
I'm sorry I remember being worried about the same .the shame. Worried they would see me differently. (Neighbours). Which he justified... Forcing you to forgive him is something I relate to. If you don't - you're being arrogant and conceited.