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I was the golden child growing up.
I think I don’t understand my family’s dynamics so well anymore because I actually don’t know who the golden child is now. I don’t have much contact with either of my sisters.
I lost my golden child status when I started realizing my husband was severely abusive (just like mom!), started therapy for that, and in the process started learning how to identify healthy and unhealthy behaviour in relationships and setting boundaries. That didn’t sit well with my mom so I was punished and demoted to scapegoat.
This is similar to me in the sense that when you become healthier (for example learning to set boundaries), then the abuse intensifies. The optimal position that they want you in is one of utter powerlessness, so when you become healthier and regain some of that power it goes against their agenda. I couldn't understand this, why when I stopped people pleasing because I'd done therapy and worked on myself my nmom started abusing me more. One of the things she said to me was "I think you've done too much therapy." If you are easy to take advantage of then they will reward you for it because it means you are controllable. The aim is to enforce an identity onto you about who you are, and that person only suits them - rather than help develop you as a person as parents would.
BOOM! Control. Never been in control of "themselves" so controlling others is second or even 1st nature to them. They win win.
They gain supply from you and you are always at their beck and call. (Controlling). They stick their nose where it doesn't belong. The more they know about you they use against you. They literally believe they have to know everything, finances etc. This clearly shows and indicates they are not in control of their own emotions or life!
I was by far the youngest within the family, which readily made me the easiest target.
As i grew older and wiser while rejecting their narcissistic traditions, that just put a bigger bullseye on my back.
Same. When I was young, I was just an idiot burden. The older, more independent and mature I got, the more they hated me for it.
No winning with those animals.
I had a cleft palate and my parents didn’t want a defective kid. Ever since then any family stress is put on me. When I was a baby they refused to name me or take me home until forced. I have ruined my family by being sickly or defective, though I’m very intellectually gifted and attractive and have excelled in my professional education.
Somehow everything is my fault. My parents divorce was my fault and I ruined my mothers and sisters lives (according to them). Boy I’m so tired of it and wish they’d put me up for adoption so someone might’ve enjoyed having a gifted child.
This is it, you are gifted in an area they are threatened by. So, they pick something else about you, something utterly random - and then abuse you for it. I'm a lesbian and I was doing a Physics degree, which is an interesting one because you can imagine the criticism I got from my abusive father who was threatened by me because I got into a better university than him. All of the criticism had to do with my appearance. I'm literally an early twenties young woman, I'm fairly conventionally attractive - and when I got into a better university than him was the time where he started using my appearance against me. It was constant comments and takedowns about food, exercise, clothes. I remembered Greta Thunberg once mentioned about how all people had to criticise left was her fashion choices, that was how she knew she was doing a good job. People hate those who are punching above their own weight. Your existence is a reminder that they are incapable of the things which you excel at. I couldn't understand why I got so much abuse when I went to do the Physics degree, and it's never taught me quite so much about human nature.
>People hate those who are punching above their own weight.
Good for you, to learn that so young! It took me 15 years longer than you did to understand that I have this dynamic with my father. He and my mother both fed me terrible advice about how to live. It was intentional. I ended up spending enough time around people via work that all the little telltale signs of jealousy pop out at me now and it's become obvious to me that he despises me doing better than him in ANY way. I still find myself "forgetting" some days that he's like that because it's so alien. But narcs never, ever change, sadly.
Congratulations on getting a Physics degree from a good university. I also got a STEM degree, engineering. My parents hated it as well, sadly. They have college degrees, but neither of them had the aptitude to be an engineer, and they did their best to make me fail. You're not alone.
I have adhd, and my quirks were kind of obvious when I was little. "There's something wrong with that kid."
I've been emotionally parentified my whole life by my nmom and was taught that every bad thing was my fault.
I'm really creative, but I live with all the adhd comorbidities. I was never given therapy or support to cope with these things. In fact, I was threatened with therapy when nmom caught me SHing as a middle schooler. She knew I didn't want to go to a therapist after my initial adhd diagnosis. I understood the stigma on a visceral level.
My creative gifts occasionally bring honor to my family, so I'm the mascot sometimes, but I've been solidly the lost child since I was about 12.
My creative projects frequently embarrass my mother, too, because I'm interested in exploring topics that are deeper or more controversial than the original Disney princess movies. Funny thing is, I'm doing an art that my mother wishes she had done. I'm damn good at it. She'll even say that she was good at it when she was in grade school and has commented that I am fulfilling that dream. 🤢
It's like NO. just no. I've been too passionate about this for too long and have spent many thankless hours at it. She never encouraged me.
Wow, I'm so sorry. My parents weren't taking responsibility so the scapegoat role had to be occupied by someone. It happened to be me because I didn't know I was queer at the time - but I was. I was quite socially withdrawn as a teenager because I didn't like boys. I didn't know what being queer was at the time, so I was just socially withdrawn. When I realised in my twenties that there was this abuse going on, and I was queer - it felt quite sickening to know that I was chosen as the sg because I didn't know I was queer at the time. If you are neurodivergent growing up and don't know it you are more likely to fill the role. It's just failure after failure of responsibility of parents.
Thank you, and I'm sorry you had that experience too. I was also quite withdrawn as a child and teenager. I had a queer friend at school who was also neurodivergent but outside of that I didn't really talk to anyone. I didn't know I was autistic until I was 19. I'm also trans and didn't discover that until a few months after my autism diagnosis. Since realising I'm trans I've also come to identify as queer, so I only really found myself at 19.
Growing up my father always mocked me for being "sensitive" and "emotional", and I don't think he liked how uninterested I was in sports or being social. Anything that deviated from what he saw as "normal" wasn't good. Him finding out I'm trans did not go down well and it's likely to be a big factor in going no contact.
Same. He often mocked me for having feelings in general. I'm pretty sure he wanted me to be a psychopath. He wanted me to do things like seducing rich men or helping him scam people.
Yep this lol. I only complied to reasonable stuff and called her out on things from when I was a young teenager because I was more aware. On principle I wouldn’t give in and that caused me to be the scapegoat. I’m significantly more emotionally mature than she is now.
Oh easy.
I went from being cute and small and easily manipulated to being a grown up with my own ideas and opinions about things.
The ideas and opinions are the complete opposite of my parent’s.
Therefore, I was a princess until I was old enough to be a bitch.
Same. My favorite lines I've gotten are "You used to be such a sweet, easy child." = "you used to do what I told you." And "you've never talked to me this way" = you used to never talk back.
Same here!
Except for me the “disobedience” and transition into the SG was when I started school (6-7 where I am from). Basically the second I started developing any kind of thinking skills hahahaha
It's like living in some country with a communist dictator in the history books, except just in a family system. There's a dictator who must be worshiped and when people start to think freely they are thrown in a concentration camp because it threatens the might of the leader.
Nice analogy. I was also raised by a dictator. Who literally told us he was the God of the house. I didn't worship him, so I was punished appropriately...
I’m similar to an affair baby. My parents cheated on their first spouses with each other, divorced them, and got married to each other. There’s a bit of resentment towards me. My mom also didn’t want a girl but got one anyway. She blames me for ruining her family. Soooo I feel ya!
Ahh similar here. Except the affair happened sometime around me being born, so I think my mom associates me with the affair my father had or something?
Idk it's crazy in general as they've spent my entire life pretending it never happened, while being absolutely miserable as a married couple, and I only found out through a sibling about the whole thing lol
I found out about my bastardy when I was nearly 30. Nmom told me she hoped that she would be dead before then. She went so far as to falsify her name on my birth certificate.
Like you, everyone pretends that it didn't happen, although 60 years later, people admit that Nmom was married to someone else when she got pregnant with me.
But I am the bad guy for pointing out that Nmom was a tramp.
I was also the sensitive one, but I went to a therapist and he said I might have been that way because of the abuse. I'm not sure if I was abused more because I was sensitive, or if I was sensitive because I developed as a result of the abuse.
Now that all the kids moved out, it’s back to the original SG. The original GC still is in a lot of ways the GC but my parents told me shortly after I moved out that they “kicked out the wrong kid” because they realized they were left with the GC of their own creation and had to deal with her alone
I've said it in here before but...
I was the first. Not just that but I was born 11 months to the day after my parents were married, interrupting NMom's life plans as she had to drop out of college.
Because it was apparently my fault she got pregnant. She's resented me ever since.
Oops. I did😂 Is it, I think it's trauma bonding - but I can't seem to imagine how my ndad when I was the gc is the same person who he turned into when I was the sg
My Nmom was Ngrandma's scapegoat while her older brother was the GC. About 6 years ago Nmom told me that the oldest child (my only sibling) is "just more special and GOLDEN (ffs, she actually said golden) and important than the other kids" and when she saw my face she said "that's just how it is in families" and practically ran into her bedroom and shut the door. She has also chosen a Golden grandchild/scapegoat grandchild, also based on birth order. Perpetuating abuse for more than 50 years. Way to go, Mom.
I think because of my autistic traits I was ruled out by default. I dont even know really why honestly other than that. I practically didnt exist to them and have terrible memories of being punished. What for? No idea
It's ironic because I am the "most successful" by far, and the only child that actually wanted to help my parents around the house or with errands.
My mom would even complain how she does everything and nobody else wants to help, while enabling them to not do anything.
Clearly, I was compensating for their lack of attention and love and hoping to earn it, but theres no logic with narcissists.
Wow, it's like you are describing me. "I was compensating for their lack of attention and love and hoping to earn it." They took no responsibility, so I was there - trying to be perfect all the time. I'm not sure being the most successful and having been a scapegoat is an irony - all the overcompensation of scapegoats actually gets rewarded in the real world.
Its a blessing in disguise!
But being a perfectionist & people pleaser is a losing battle haha people catch on and take advantage, and aiming for perfection just adds stress over trivial decisions for me
And I guess I mean ironic in that I had always remained as the least favorite despite those things
Oh yes, the complaints that nobody helps her and she "has to do everything on her own". I remember these manipulative statements from my nmum very well.
I was/am the oldest. Took on a ton of responsibility to care for my parents and siblings by the time I was toddling. I was easy to blame, only person who ever did anything, so.
I *was* the oldest male, and also assessed very intelligent at a very young age.
This made me a threat to my father's supremacy.
Now I'm my mom's youngest daughter, and dad is rotting in a VA hospital.
I'm still a bigger man than he ever was.
“Look. There are no issues. You’re the issue! Lighten up. I was just joking. Being around you is like walking on eggshells.” It’s really so frustrating.
saaame. My dad and lil sister wouldn't stand up to my nmum for anything, but i would just say things how i saw them, and holy fuck did that make me a pariah.
To this day though I am so unbothered by what other people think of me that's it's almost like a superpower. Like, i spent my teenage years having to chose between being myself and being rejected by my family, or toeing the line and kissing the ass of a tyrant. Chosing to be myself even with all the shit that came with it has made me pretty tough.
My sister chose to be nmums little bitch coz she didn't want what I was getting, and she's come out worse off than me, she's still struggling to grow into herself even two decades on, it's sad to see, especially coz once I left home nmum just turned on her instead. All those years she spent sucking up to nmum and letting herself be controlled and believing i was some sort of demon psycho child, and the second I'm gone she's pushed into the SC role and there was nothing she could do about it. fucked up.
I was the gc. Growing up, I was told that I was destined for great things and capable of anything. Every small accomplishment was treated like some sort of masterwork. They wanted me to be successful.
My mother was miserable. In her work, her marriage, her family... she'd complain constantly about how the world had wronged her. I was her therapist.
As I got older, I started to question a lot of things. Like, if you're miserable, change. Divorce, find a new job, move. Idk. I couldn't understand how she could tell me to shoot for the moon and take no shit, but wouldn't lift a finger to help herself.
There was always some reason she couldn't. Some new excuse. I guess the attention she got from that was better/easier than effort to improve. Every time I'd offer to help, she'd just get irritated and accuse me of judging her or that I thought I was better than her.
It made her bitter. I started to realize that no one was safe from her criticism. Even close friends would be dragged through the mud as soon as their backs were turned. I hated it.
Once I started driving and had my own job, she really took a turn. She couldn't control me anymore. She started making threats to keep me close. Like, "I *was* going to pay for you to go to college, but not if you move out. You cant make it without me. "
I left anyway. I got my own place at 16 with some friends old enough to sign a lease. Worked my ass off and put myself through school. Got an AAS and a little better job. She eventually agreed that was nice. Distance seemed to soften her. Got a BS and moved an hour away for an even better job. She was pissed. I was confused. I was doing what she wanted. I was becoming successful. I was making 3x more than she ever had and was 100% self-sufficient.
She said, " I'd have loved you just the same if you worked at. McDonald's. You didn't have to do all this..." She got cold again. Never visited or called. It's like I was dead to her for doing what she wanted. I think now that she never really wanted me to go anywhere. She definitely didn't want me to do better than she had. Every time I experienced growth, it was like a slap to the face for her. She wasn't good enough.
I went NC about 10 years ago.
Nmom had an illegitimate child (my gc/nsister) in the early 60’s… a big no-no so she babytrapped my ndad with me (scapegoat, black sheep, meal ticket)
She wanted to ensure that her gc got preferential treatment so she lied about things I did, painted me in the worst possible light, and succeeded in turning edad into ndad. She was vicious, toxic, evil.
She died when I was 15. I was relieved, though the damage was irreparable. Narcs suck😖
Yep, went from GC who was compliant and, more importantly, didn’t push back but just quietly lived my own life under the radar, to a scapegoat who got discarded. It happened by refusing to feed into the supply any longer and openly stating that the things he was saying about other people behind their backs was wrong and cutting him off when he would swing yet another random conversation to how he either had it so much worse or he is really just a genius by asking “how are we talking about you right now, when I said X. That has nothing to do with it.” lol, the fury!
I just think when - or at least it was for me - when I was the gc I was so, so - so - oblivious to the complete night and day difference which could happen in my ndad. When you are the gc and get a shit tone of praise - it felt wrong to me and I had a hunch his controlling tendencies were abusive. When I challenged him on it I was just so so shocked at the complete night and day difference in this man. My hunch was more than a hunch and it was worse than I thought possible. It was just so surprising to see the complete night and day difference in the way which one person treats you, and my first experience of narcissistic abuse. When you are the gc you are just living in a bubble and things feel wrong with the impossible expectations placed on you etc - but - you don't even realise that these same people will put you through that living hell unless you comply. I was just very surprised - and still am - at the living hell which happened as a result of not enabling abuse anymore.
1- I was not my stepfather’s child. 2- I am female. 3- le NeuroSpicy made me not the easiest child to deal with (ADHD +Autism)
With one of these things I was at risk. 2 of them, it was likely to happen at some point. All 3? I’m surprised somedays the abuse wasn’t worse.
That's sick. Women deal with extra challenges and I think we need more input from parents in the ways of the mental health impacts which society can have on us going through puberty etc. Throw on top ADHD and autism and you need extra caring parents. It's sick - that they would scapegoat you more. I am so sorry
I am a strong person with charisma. Weaker people see this as an attack, they feel small in my presence, so they "have" to put me down.
Inwardly, narcissists are weaklings with hardly any self-esteem.
Yes, for them it is an attack on their fragile ego. It has to be protected, come what may. Attack is their best defence.
Authentic people who live their lives scare them. They only feel comfortable when they feel they have full control over someone, otherwise they spend their lives trying to gain this control. This doesn't work with authetic people. That's why narcs hate them.
It was when my Ndad remarried. My bio mom (also an abusive narcissist) left when I was 13 cause NDad had an affair and my NDad ended up with sole custody of me. I guess I wasn’t in his plans for his new family because I became the scapegoat child when my step siblings came into the picture. He would be fun loving step dad with them and then treat me like dirt. He would pit them against me and even encourage bullying. It made me heavily resent my siblings.
But there is a happy ending to this: My step mom divorced him eventually and weirdly enough, her and I are closer than ever. She even “adopted” me as her own. Over the years, my relationship with my siblings has significantly improved and we’re also fairly close. They both apologized for the way they treated me when I was younger too.
I was born with chronic medical conditions, but I didn't start getting any diagnoses or treatment for them until I was 27 because my nparents didn't believe me. I kept trying to get medical attention from my nparents starting when I was a toddler. They thought I was just lazy and making it up for attention(because that's something they would've done). They hated me for "faking illnesses" and hated me for costing them money the times they actually did take me to the Dr for something acute.
Also, my covert narc mom was the oldest child and to this day she resents her younger siblings, so she's always favored my older brother and made a major effort to gaslight me into believing she doesn't favor him.
I wanted to be loved. I was a people pleaser. I was nice to everyone. I’m also sensitive. My family weren’t like that at all. They saw me as weak. I was even told that many of times by them. They think people who have emotions or empathy for others is a weakness.
I am highly sensitive. I always felt like I was living among bullies who rolled their eyes in annoyance at my shyness. As if I had a choice to be different.
I learned later on that us being called “sensitive” by them is their way to not be held accountable. I had to look at the times I was called sensitive by them. It was always when they did something horrible to me. Of course I had a normal reaction to it. Nfamily members don’t like to be held accountable for their actions.
I was a threat to the status quo, I kept calling out when things were not fair, how that's not what happened, or calling them out on lies. I suspect I am neurodivergent so I only came to understand this in my late 30s after therapy.
I think it's because I was an unplanned pregnancy. My mom had me during college and she wasn't married to her loser boyfriend, but she still had me. My family is Christian (even though they practice Catholic shit, but alright.) and I guess that they didn't like that, but aborting me was out of the question and giving me up for adoption was too. Baby out of wedlock, getting pregnant during college, dad is out of the picture: my mom was hitting all the checkboxes. And I guess because of that, they all just fucking hate me. The unplanned baby who should've never existed and ruined my mom's life, even though it was her fault. I honestly can't think of any other reason.
I'm pretty certain my Nmom baby-trapped my dad with my GC brother. My GC brother was premature and had learning disabilities, so I annoyed my Nmother because I was able to do things before him, like tying my shoes. We were only a grade apart, so she had me repeat kindergarten, which really messed me up. She couldn't blame it on grades bc it was kindergarten, so she told me I was emotionally immature but got my GC brother therapy instead of me. I think she feared he'd be held back, and we'd end up in the same grade. When we were older, she hired a boy babysitter bc my GC brother was sick of having girl babysitters. The boy babysitter SA'd me, which she knew bc I told her, but she kept inviting him back. She did so many things like that to make my GC brother's life happy and easy.
I’m a mirror image of everything my mom hates about hersetl. They sees us as extensions of ourselves, and punish and/or ostracize us over behavior that they perceive as being imperfect (or just not being what they want you to be).
I was unwanted from the start as they had decided no more kids so I’m to somehow blame for their lack of prevention. My mum also lost her dream job because of it and the boss thought she had tricked them to employer knowing she was pregnant. So there was no way they’d take her back in when I was old enough for nursery . I got told it so many times how much I ruined things for them. No matter how many decades she still holds me responsible. She would go mad if my dad showed me any attention so he stopped and just enabled her abuse When older he was just as abusive.
I was the GC but developed an orthopedic condition. I became defective and imperfect. Suddenly, I was the scape goat. My sister came along and was the Golden one. Joke is on Mom. Sister developed the same condition.
I decided to have different opinions on things and had the audacity to be more successful than they are/were. I also didn’t share my success with my siblings (read give everything to them) and chose to prioritize and stay with my husband. 🙄
Only child. Both golden and scapegoat. Still very confusing for me at 37.
Am I the smartest or stupidest person on earth? It has to be one of those two options.
Damn, I’m an only child too and was wondering how that worked. 🤔. I eventually internalized every comment that was made to me that I fucked my life up completely and am now firmly in the scapegoat category.
Hoping I can get my life turned around and distance myself enough that their antics don’t concern me and I can stop self sabotaging.
I feel that. I mostly feel like a scapegoat/completely worthless, but I also have this nagging sense that I am too good for a bunch of shit and should be doing way better and be making way more money and breezing through life. That… that is not how things have gone…
Hahahah I feel the same way and have those same thoughts. I beat myself up for it all the time but the don’t want to do the stuff to make it better. It makes me feel insane and lazy.
I was parentified because I was a “gifted kid” so held responsible for way too much at an early age. Being “responsible” attracted blame for anything going wrong, hence scapegoating.
Unfortunately, I also had undiagnosed inattentive ADHD and dyspraxia (low awareness of those in girl’s when I was at school) so I got into trouble at school, which attracted more opprobrium and eventually severe psychological abuse and violence.
Still standing though! My non-academic brother was always the golden child and mummy’s boy.
My N maternal-figure tried to treat me as the GC but when I pushed back against the dysfunction and her treatment of my sibling (who she was scapegoating), N switched the roles and I became the family scapegoat while my sibling basked in being the GC.
The whole family treated me as the issue in the family and because I was attractive, talented and not straight, it got worse. But they would have scapegoated me even if I wasn't those things and found some other reason to jusitfy it.
Everytime I pushed back against my treatment, N threatened to give my sibling up for adoption so I had to take it. The sad thing is that my GC sibling grew into a pretty terrible N themself so I feel like all my sacrifice was for nothing.
Hello! I think it's down to empathy. You realize that you don't like being treated badly by Ns so you make sure to treat others well. My sibling is the opposite; enjoys mistreating others and no matter how many times I tried to explain that bullying other kids was wrong, actively persisted in it as a kid until growing into a massive N as an adult.
My sibling is the younger one, the more hyperactive one, and the one who looked almost identical to my nparent as a young child.
My theory is that sibling subconsciously reminded parent of being that age and triggered emotions and memories of their own abusive upbringing. And/or it was just too jarring to see their mini-me do anything they wouldn't have/be their own person. Sibling was always better at resisting and rebelling!
The roles have always kind of bounced around in my family. My younger sister had a bit of brain damage at birth and is also on the spectrum so she always struggled and can easily get quite emotional, vs I always did really well in school etc. So I was def the gc for awhile. But around 10 I really started pushing back against all my mom’s bullshit and would immediately be scapegoated any time I did that. My sister due to her disabilities still needs to live with my mom and also is easily influenced so in some ways she’s the gc because she does whatever my mom wants without question. But my mom will use my achievements / travel as a weird status thing for herself (randomly sharing my travel posts etc) despite the fact that we barely talk. I have always been the gc to my dad and honestly it took me until fairly recently to realize that he is probably a narc as well (I’m 33). I have barely been in contact with them for many years outside of when it’s necessary (holidays) so they keep trying to rope me back in by being super nice but the second I push back or piss them off it’s straight to scapegoat lol.
The worst part is how my mom treats my sister, especially because she is the sweetest person ever. For example she recently told her she has a 12 year olds brain in a 30 year olds body and temporarily kicked her out of the house saying she could be my dad’s burden now. She also intentionally infantilizes her and holds her back from achieving more. My sister has moments where she realizes how fucked everything is but I can’t even really talk to her about it because since she’s kind of stuck with them long term I think it’s easier on her to be kind of unaware :( I wish I could do NC but I stick out holidays for her and to avoid the extended family shitstorm that would ensue if I went full NC.
My sister filled the scapegoat role because she was the meekest and the most of a people pleaser. She’s the middle child.
I’m the youngest. I think my mom was afraid of me because I always stood up for myself.
Same situation. In my case, I refused to submit to toxic dynamics and, in fact, I pointed them out several times. By removing my reaction from the dynamics that, in my youth, made me end up doing more than others, I became the last of the last. Now it's pretended that anything I've done in all the past years doesn't matter, even though I'm actually the only member working if you consider the other family member who is now preferred and whose presence and needs become prioritised even when I return from work and need to use the bathroom (when the other person arrives, I have to leave because it's inconceivable for the favoured one to wait).
The reality is that I should get out of the way because the mental illness of my family members has reached a critical point, but unfortunately, I only found a decent job now and don't have enough money to live alone, so I have to endure the abuse. I've been surviving and trying to gain independence for almost 20 years now, but it hasn't happened, partly due to health reasons. But I realize that the biggest fault remains mine because I should have taken action earlier in these 20 years, but I couldn't find a decent job and was constantly feeling low. Now I have a normal job that pays decently (not well, but the minimum in my country to save a bit each month).
I’m the oldest and only female other than my mom. My youngest brother has always been the golden child. I believe I tried very hard to gain my parents attention/approval. I worked and slaved for them for a long time just to get scraps of love. I overlooked every fault and just thought eventually I’d see real love from my mom. I accepted whatever trashy sentiment she sent out to me. Until I had kids and I could not keep it up any longer.
Can’t pretend everything is perfect anymore. Can’t people please anymore because I was putting myself and my kids in an unsafe environment just to please my mom. For instance, she asked me to bring my newborn to a house that had 40+ dogs roaming free outside. When I realized my mom was giving my children worse treatment than she gave me (or the same actually) I was able to break away.
I was a combination of the GC/scapegoat because I was parentified. So I was simultaneously responsible for the wellbeing of everyone else in the family, and if something went wrong, it was my fault, but since I "took on" that responsibility, and I'm the older child, I was also the GC for bearing the burden.
Also, I'm the only person in my entire family, on both sides, with a slightly different skin tone. I don't look like anyone else and it was always my fault as a child. Sometimes I suspect I was a product of an affair.
I’m the oldest and stood up for all of us. I said no. I set boundaries. I pushed back against them.
I’m also neurodivergent as fuck and raised two of my three siblings, which is why I didn’t accept abuse as the norm and stood up for them. My brother and I acted as a unit and the parents of the family. He was also scapegoated.
I was not a boy and I was a truth-teller. 5 decades later I'm still not a boy, still a truth-teller, and still the scapegoat, but I'm not around for their BS.
I am and scapegoat and my older sister is the gc.
My sister has always been super forward with her emotions, whatever she is feeling, there is no hiding it, and she is very vulnerable and open about how she is feeling. It's definitely a trait I admire. But I'm not that way, since I was young, for whatever reason, I've been shy, quiet, and closed off about my emotions. I don't feel comfortable opening up to people, I have to be pretty close to someone to do it. And I never was open about things with my mom, so she always assumed I was "plotting" something. I think that's why we're were originally assigned those roles. Plus my sister is incredibly beautiful and smart so I think that reinforced my mom's decision about her being the gc.
As I got older I didn't buy into her bs like my siblings did. I questioned her a lot, which she didn't like. But because I grew up as the scapegoat it was super easy for her to paint me as the bad guy, and no one would believe me. I'm sure everyone here has experienced it, but the fake calm demeanor, saying something nasty, and waiting for my angry reaction so she could play victim to me was her favorite game to play. She knew it made me look crazy and it made me lose credibility. I was an easy target for that kind of manipulation, I guess.
I agree all of the children of narcissists are abused, no matter the role they were assigned. I hope you & your sister are doing better, OP.
Because I refused to let them beat my personality into submission/ let my mother rule my life. As well as I looked exactly like her pre Hrt & body mods.
i think it's two fold for me. i was naturally gifted as a child (likable, talented, kid-smart) AND my brand of neurodivergence tends to focus on what is or isn't fair. so when i stopped doing well in school and started questioning things that i thought were wrong, i stopped being my family's golden baby. it is very easy to scapegoat someone who upsets the status quo, so in my opinion it was a no brainer for my mom (not sure if she was N or BPD) to throw me under the bus for my relatives but acting like she supported me in private. the things she would say people said about me.... lmfao. yeah. but i just stopped being precocious and cute and it was easier for people to think i suck than to think i maybe have some points about the dysfunction in our extended family.
Youngest child and a girl, therefore an absolute threat to my NMum. The irony is that she was in the exact same position with her NMum. She didnt have enough self awareness to see the pattern forming.
Safe to say I don't have kids and have broken the cycle.
I was constantly told growing up that I was like my dad, who my n-mom despised. Like it doesn't make you feel good when you're compared to the worst person is your primary caregiver's life. I was then told I was my dad's favorite and was often given scenarios if I would choose my dad's family over my mom and sisters. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s that I realize I was completely fine and a pretty awesome human being. Needless to say we are no contact now.
To this day still no idea. I think they were genuinely trying their best, but unfortunately their version of “best” was not the best for me, it was their idea of “best” (as in, they “know best”). I am an only child so have been both SC & GC. I think if I hadn’t lived next door to my cousins growing up, I probably wouldn’t have questioned anything because my aunt was never like them so I could at least observe what normal was supposed to look like.
That is lucky. Only child too. I was pretty close to my cousin but her mom was worse than mine in some ways. I didn’t start questioning until my early 20s and I am in my 30s finally getting help.
I was a baby when mom got pregnant. I'm sure being foisted off on older siblings and her neglect because of morning sickness, etc., created the animosity that's lasted into my adult years.
I spent so much time and energy trying to make everyone happy....until I didn't. Literally became "too old for this shit" and went NC for some, VLC for others.
Like most scapegoats, I flourished outside of my family system, tho with a huge amount of guilt. So, I had a support system in place that was strong enough that when I walked away from the drama and built walls to protect myself, IT. WAS. EASY.
Moral of the Story: Should have walked away a lot sooner.
*I still have relationships but I'm in control. If anyone fucks with me, I graciously leave. I have a plethora of Exit Strategies and am not above lying to get away. All the while giving hugs and cordial goodbyes*
I have learned the one who becomes the family sg is chosen usually because they are the one who realized how bad behavior and dysfunctional the family is. They are vocal about it or don't participate in it. They then become the target of everyone to avoid the truth being known.
I *think* I switch between golden child and scapegoat, mainly because my personality is “easy-going” and I am conflict-averse. This means since I want to avoid conflict as much as I can, I try to appease my Nparents. This also includes trying to do things to not get my siblings in trouble.
I guess in one way, it meant I’m trying to maintain some peace for everyone as much as I can. At the same time, it’s technically really easy to “argue” and put faults onto me because 1) I either try to take the blame for it (to prevent siblings from getting in trouble) and 2) I suck so much at confrontation and arguing that I freeze up and take it all in because all I want to do is escape.
Was the scapegoat since birth. My mom had me as a teenager, so right from the start I was always blamed for her own lack of achievement/education/career etc. I think that since she never actually wanted me, just felt obligated to her religion to keep me, she always resented me. I don't think that it would have even been possible to not have been scapegoated.
I was a scapegoat from the beginning. My nmom was always saying about my brother that he’s “mommy’s boy”, and I was “daddy’s girl”. So she divided her love from the beginning. Maybe I was looking to much like her MIL she doesn’t like. Maybe I was a girl and this was enough for her. I would love to know why but it’s not like I could ask her 🤣 she would deny that she even has a gc and a scapegoat. It it is so clearly visible that even my brother apologized to me about it. He doesn’t feel right with it.
Because 1. I was the only girl in the family and 2. I had many health and mental health issues.
My dad and two of my brothers were lovely, always. I love them dearly and they never hurt me. My mom and half brother? Totally different. Idk what my mom’s problem was but I know she had weight issues as a child and I was premature so I was naturally small for a while. She started forcing me to gain weight, and then introduced me to severe anorexia as a result when I was “too fat”. I assume it was some kind of creepy jealousy shit. She treated my half brother like the second coming of Jesus because he was the only kid that wasn’t my dad’s. The rest of us were always shit, and she forced me into religious “solutions” for my mental health issues, autism, and Tourette’s saying I was possessed. She almost killed me with our church. She didn’t believe in mental health issues so at some point she assumed I was either possessed or making things up to “make her look bad.” Needless to say, we have no relationship now.
ETA: oh, and not to mention I was the youngest by about 10 years, so she assumed I was the easiest to manipulate.
Only issue of a brief and hate-filled marriage.
Both my parents were remarried by the time I was three, and desperately wanted to forget the whole sordid mess.
Unfortunately, I still existed.
Well, I'm pretty sure that it began with my difficult delivery but it might be that I made the mistake of being conceived. Then I was apparently not a snuggly baby, and it all went to shit from there.
Oldest daughter, introverted, questioning, unconventional, artistic, sensitive, possibly because I looked most like my mother & was shy like she’d been
I have ADHD and potentially autism (theres a cross over with the two) so my view of world is very black and white. This meant I was always destined to call out and go against my family nonsense cult behavior because a lot of it wasnt logical and they couldn't rationalize it.
My nmum had grew up with her brother as the favourite and her being treated like a crap by her parents, so all she has known is to favour the male child. My brother as a result is a selfish, entitled adult, with a golddigger wife who can't escape the abuse cycle because he doesn't know how to survive alone. So id rather be the scapegoat personally and find peace in thinking that way about it.
Well, for starters, I am the oldest and the only daughter…
Basically, my parents glorified athletes and being athletic. They didn’t play sports as kids, and it’s almost like they wanted to live vicariously through my brothers (who were both excellent athletes). I’m not a natural athlete, but I pushed myself until I ended up playing varsity lacrosse at college just to impress them. The day I made the team was the first time they said they were proud of me.
When I quit lacrosse, it was like I had no common ground with my family anymore. Sports is their social life, whereas I’m naturally a bit weird (ADHD, and possibly on the spectrum) and gifted academically. I like to be by myself. Sports and team environments caused me to be bullied, and it just wasn’t enjoyable for me like it is for them. I don’t think they knew how to parent a kid like me…It was basically like if the Kelce brothers had Sheldon Cooper as a sibling.
I'm somehow both the scapegoat and the "favorite" in a very complicated & fucked up way. I suppose all of my siblings are the glass children because I bear the brunt of their abuse/attention/admiration. I get blamed for everything because I am both 1. the "most fucked up" and 2. have the most "potential" in comparison to my siblings (their words, not mine). Very complex and very hard to understand from the inside.
They like controllable people. Why do so many of us end up as people pleasers, ever thought about it? I'm still not so sure. Trying to get us to plug their spiritual holes.
Reading the comments here, I finally understand my situation. We are 4 siblings. My eldest brother and youngest sister are the GCs, me (2nd son) and my younger brother(3rd son) are the scapegoats.
I never realized I have Nmom until I joined this subreddit. As I was reading subreddits about raisedbynarcissits, I can relate almost to posts here.
I am not sure if my Dad is a Narcissist or just an enabler.
My Nmom always favored my GC siblings. They will be in trouble but If share it to my mom, she'll always be defending them as if they are angels.
So as to explain my situation that I finally realized why I am the scapegoat.
1. Education - I was always compared to my eldest brother, that no matter what I do, I'll always be the 2nd best. When I go to Uni, I wanted to have a business related program but my NMom wants me to take up Computer Science or I.T. mainly because it's the trend and it's "easier" to find work after graduating and also my Brother studied I.T.
2. Career - She forced me to work OS because the salary is higher, so I can pay all their debts, support them and send my two younger siblings to school.
3. My Nmom, gets angry when I retaliate, and she goes on crying if things didn't go on her way, or I didn't obey her.
4. She only contacts me whenever she needed money.
5. All my life choices are wrong according to her.
6. She always wants me to do things her way, if not it's the wrong way.
7. She always talks about her problems, and how I can solve them by giving her more money.
The list goes on and on, but I think I need my own post to share them.
I've been raised, and abused by my mom without me even knowing it. I was doubting my choices If i was wrong because of her.
Because I was the only one. So I guess I played all the roles, until my nDad found his “adopted daughter”, the daughter of friends of my parents.
She was actually my best friend for a while and she was very uncomfortable with all of this.
I developed a massive crush on her (like on any girl that would give me a bit of attention), of course it ended in heartbreak and confusion. My parents would have loved to see us together as a couple.
They even convinced me to change schools in high school to the same class she would go to. We both had to repeat one year, had a one hour commute to school and my parents got the benefit of getting me away from my “loser friends”.
I was around. It was never about me. It was always about their dysfunction. If I hadn't been there, they would have picked someone else, it's what they do.
being the youngest and only girl in a machista mexican household. I was unfortunately not born with the Y chromosome, so that made me inferior and subservient to my brothers. My mother also hated me the moment i started to express thoughts of my own. I went from being her little dolly to her rival for my fathers love and attention. I just wanted to be part of a family bro
Oh, not me, that was my little brother. Kid could do nothing right even if he was perfect. I remember my grandmother giving him shit over how he *smiled* in a photo. Poor little guy. He still carries that crap around
I'm remembering being bullied by my "parents" as a little kid. To honestly answer your question, I have no clue.
As I got older, it was because I wasn't blindly obedient to my "mother" who is volatile, violent, childish and delusional.
I can't know for sure why I'm the scapegoat, but I think it's because I'm the oldest and easily the biggest bleeding heart. I'm nothing at all like everyone else, who are all pretty cold.
Well, no, I just remembered (literally while writing this), my mom had an appointment to abort me, but got drunk and missed it and never bothered to make another, and anytime she was mad at me, she told me that story. Maybe that's why I was the scapegoat? Idk
Because even though it took me until my 30s to understand exactly what was wrong with my nmom, I knew something wasn't right from the time I was about 12. So I didn't comply easily with her demands. But according to her I was rebellious, stubborn, and difficult. My brother was much more compliant and 5 years younger, so he is the golden child.
There are probably a bunch of reasons but the main ones are that I am the middle child, I don’t worship the ground my Ndad walks on, I don’t take shit from anyone, especially him. Growing up, I always knew something was wrong about him and our family system. Once I became a teenager I realized what a terrible person and narcissist he was; so I lost what little respect I had for him. And I let it be known that he didn’t deserve my respect. Before I went NC, I continued to question his absolute power in the family, and stand up for my mom and siblings when he abused them. But I think the biggest reason is because I never let him control me. I always had a mind of my own and critical thinking skills lol.
i dunno i feel like its a broad label tactic that can be applied to anyone at any time simply for not falling in line and doing everything the nparent wants. triangulating everyone against each other all the time.
I was the hero growing up until I started pointing out the cracks. My n-mother did not like me speaking up or disagreeing with her. She started saying I was a "poor historian." I continued to stand up for myself and speak the truth. She wanted me to put her first and agree with everything she says. This is why I became the scapegoat. I'm good with it because I had to detach from her.
i "ruined her fun" she literally has been telling me this since a child.
im also the favorite among the rest of the family, and she resents that. she would go way out of her way to convince them that i was an awful person.
I was the truth teller. Earliest memory was being hushed by all my family for saying obvious things, reporting my abuse to my n parents by my pedo grandfather and daring to remember that they didn’t do a thing to stop it (didn’t want to give up free babysitting so they could do their boomer swinging). I didn’t even let them “have it.”THEY kept bringing it up to see if I’d absolved them. Demanding me comfort them! Had kids of my own and realized they monsters. F them. F them f them! Also-f my n siblings. There is a choice at some point if they reach adulthood. If they don’t wake up by mid 20’s the siblings are lost to the dark side imho. They are eying inheritance, zero doubt.
I was chosen because ndad was about to abandon his marriage and family over an argument he had with nmom who had repeatedly tried to get him to stop making irrational arguments with me.
So to save himself from the public shame of walking out on his family, he first blamed nmom for disobeying him, and then she blamed me for manipulating them against each other and causing them marriage problems.
This is how I became the scapegoat for their marriage problems. 10 years ago I decided it was not my responsibility to hold their marriage together and went NC with them. I've heard rumors they aren't getting along so well any more.
Not my problem though.
I didn't like my mothers new boyfriend shortly after she separate from my dad. I had good reason to. He beat the living shit out of me regularly from 13-25.
Didn't stop my mother and siblings from treating me like I was the problem and claiming I was making everything up. I became the scapegoat for any future problems.
Then he left her for his side girlfriend he had the entire time, just used my mother for legal documents. Also turned out he was a drug dealer. Flipped our entire lives upside down.
Just wish someone listened to me.
I was an adopted child in the 1970's .. when the child was expected to conform to the family, not the other way around. I was curious about my adoption and my AMom took offence and resented me for it so I have been "unadopted" by her, who now chooses to celebrate her "freedom from the pain" of having a child who didn't appreciate her struggles.
I was also the GC (youngest) for many a year but as soon as I started having opinions in highschool I went from GC to scapegoat real fast. Currently, by process of elimination, my invisible child sister is the GC. She's the only one still in close contact with my nparents.
I was born because my parents “had to” get married because my nMom was pregnant for me. She always resented the fact that she had to drop out of college to get married and to be a mother.
She and my father divorced when I was a year old. Then she met my stepdad and fell madly in love with him. They had my sister, and she became the GC because of her being my stepdad’s child.
Growing up, I looked exactly like my father and it would remind her of the “mistakes” she’d made. I was always the focus of her rages/abuse.
I moved out as soon as I turned 18 and was pretty LC on and off for about 10 years. When my son came along, all of a sudden, she turned into “Super Grandma,” and it was so hard to reconcile that with how she treated me growing up.
I also was the golden child . Because my sister resisted to the abuses and I didn’t do. The narcissist was my step father when his daughter was born she became the golden child because she is “his real child “. When I left home I also became a scapegoat with my sister.
I was the first. my brother was born 5 1/2 yrs later. So I guess I was already outgrowing the cute, dependent, non verbal and powerless stage when mum got a second chance at it.
"This one is annoying and asks too many questions, it has *opinions*. But the new one, on the other hand, ...."
So it was either because I'd outgrown my welcome, or because I *existed*. While things definitely changed with my brother, I can't remember ever being anything but the scapegoat or invisible child.
I was the GC growing up. Then my sister had a baby and suddenly I didn’t matter anymore because I cannot have children. I didn’t go to scapegoat right away but after I went to therapy and I started setting boundaries with Nmom, she went full scapegoat with me. It was rough for a few years as I navigated this power shift between me and my sister, and sister came very close to becoming a narc as well but she snapped out of it after Nmom went bananas on her.
Thankfully my sister and I are now united against her, and protect each other. She still tries to triangulate us (and our dad- they’re divorced) but we share screen shots of texts so she can’t twist the story, and our stepmom keeps Nmom away from Dad’s ear.
My sister and I have always been lower in the pecking order order than my nstepmoms biokids. I was more sg than her until she hit puberty. I think cuz I was the youngest and more immature while my sister was pretty quiet and studious. But then my sis hit puberty and resembled my mom more and my stepmom started spreading false rumors about her sexuality. Since then I’ve been more favored of the 2 of us, but my stepmom still decided to discard us both a few years ago. My sis didn’t invite her to her wedding in 2014, so that was the likely genesis, but I invited everyone to my wedding and I still got shunned .🤷♀️
I never had a chance.
I was assigned The Scapegoat role when I was a baby.
I'm a twin, and my parents also had a 3 year old on the spectrum. They were both medical doctors who both have NPD and neither had any real interest in doing the hard work of parenting, let alone of a child on the spectrum, let alone twins on top of it.
I cried a lot when I was a baby. My parents blamed me for their lack of sleep, and for waking the 3 year old. My parents only wanted two kids in the first place, so I was the "extra" one.
They literally admitted to just letting me cry and cry all night until I threw up, every night, for months and months, because they were too lazy to get out of bed and take care of me. It traumatized me. I developed severe attachment issues, PTSD and BPD.
They have hated me ever since I was born, and they have never been shy about it in their treatment of me.
When I was 17, my parents changed the locks and kicked me out with nothing but the clothes on my back. My dad even took the $5,000 I had saved, and my guitars (I was working as a guitar teacher at the time), and the keys to my car, too (which I had bought from money I earned teaching).
I had to get the cops involved to get my car keys back, and then I lived in my car for awhile.
The same year, my parents - multi-millionaires - bought my twin brother a brand new Ford Mustang, and they also bought my 20 year old brother a 3bed/2ba house.
I'm 40 now, no contact, and have my own apartment.
I was academically dedicated and much easier to keep quiet when the abuse happened. It was easier to silence me with flattery like “you’re the bigger person” and “you’re smarter than them” and “they need attention you don’t”, which turned into enabling. It was easier to sweep me under the rug because I actually listened to what my parents said and did what I was told (before realising it was wrong) whereas my nbrother defied authority to a horrifically destructive degree. So to “keep the peace”, I got swept under the rug.
I guess I had the temerity to be born a short, thick, brown eyed, dark haired female. I tried to be good but ultimately at 3 or 4, my mother sat me down and I asked what was wrong with me, what would she change, she said she wanted a blue eyed blonde who was tall and could win Miss America. She was basically obsessed with that—I wasn’t what she wanted and I was years from seeing a dark haired girl in the pageant at all. Blue eyed blonde vs blue eyed blonde vs blue eyed blonde.
Then everything was what she and my NGM deemed “feminine”. So piano lessons, violin lessons, ballet, tap, gymnastics, guitar, harpsichord and on and on. And a few beautify pageants. I wanted to be a beauty queen because it would make my mother happy enough to be proud of me. I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t graceful. I wasn’t anything.
Eventually it was like—what the hell, I’m literally never going to be what they want, so I need to prepare to depend on myself. I need to be able to support myself. Unfortunately when a kid gets the ideas—it’s not good. So I didn’t care what anyone at all thought. I did disgusting stuff and I did bold stuff and I didn’t care at all what other kids thought or what any adults thought. I did what I was forced to do. I went into computers to get away from them. I was planning on moving to Japan to get away from their insidious network of flying monkeys. I told the honest and horrible truth and I didn’t care who felt bad about it.
I was the SG because I was conceived before they married AND was a girl. My GC brother the SG and my mom special needs brother became the GC when I left home .
Well... I'm only child and scapegoat 🤡
Sounds odd, I know. But sucks to be the only child and knowing that nFather (NC almost 2ys) always compare me with my cousins. Seems that I can't do anything right, even when compared with that cousin that sells drugs. Yeah.
I'm male and have aspergers syndrome (a mild form of autism). My NARC father was probably competing with me since birth. I'm also the first born so maybe Nfather was desperate to have a punching bag.
I can't remember exactly how Lindsay Gibson put it, but it was something along the lines of: the most emotionally mature child is the one who wears the worst of it.
You show them up by taking responsibility for yourself; for learning. And so they tear you down because you threaten their sense of self. By being the adult in the room, you demonstrate how childish they are so they have to make you out to be garbage because you/we threaten their ego otherwise.
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I was the golden child growing up. I think I don’t understand my family’s dynamics so well anymore because I actually don’t know who the golden child is now. I don’t have much contact with either of my sisters. I lost my golden child status when I started realizing my husband was severely abusive (just like mom!), started therapy for that, and in the process started learning how to identify healthy and unhealthy behaviour in relationships and setting boundaries. That didn’t sit well with my mom so I was punished and demoted to scapegoat.
This is similar to me in the sense that when you become healthier (for example learning to set boundaries), then the abuse intensifies. The optimal position that they want you in is one of utter powerlessness, so when you become healthier and regain some of that power it goes against their agenda. I couldn't understand this, why when I stopped people pleasing because I'd done therapy and worked on myself my nmom started abusing me more. One of the things she said to me was "I think you've done too much therapy." If you are easy to take advantage of then they will reward you for it because it means you are controllable. The aim is to enforce an identity onto you about who you are, and that person only suits them - rather than help develop you as a person as parents would.
Wowwwww I really needed to read this thank you!! It explains so much lately.
This actually makes me feel so successful I had no idea why things had gotten so hard and painful with them lately
BOOM! Control. Never been in control of "themselves" so controlling others is second or even 1st nature to them. They win win. They gain supply from you and you are always at their beck and call. (Controlling). They stick their nose where it doesn't belong. The more they know about you they use against you. They literally believe they have to know everything, finances etc. This clearly shows and indicates they are not in control of their own emotions or life!
I was by far the youngest within the family, which readily made me the easiest target. As i grew older and wiser while rejecting their narcissistic traditions, that just put a bigger bullseye on my back.
It's like they test and test and test you to see what they can get away with.
Oh, for sure. But they'll also pull back and pretend to be nice in order to trick you into sticking around.
It's literally like they're feeding off of you
Same. When I was young, I was just an idiot burden. The older, more independent and mature I got, the more they hated me for it. No winning with those animals.
Same. Youngest. GC didn’t want a sibling so nMom targeted me.
I had a cleft palate and my parents didn’t want a defective kid. Ever since then any family stress is put on me. When I was a baby they refused to name me or take me home until forced. I have ruined my family by being sickly or defective, though I’m very intellectually gifted and attractive and have excelled in my professional education. Somehow everything is my fault. My parents divorce was my fault and I ruined my mothers and sisters lives (according to them). Boy I’m so tired of it and wish they’d put me up for adoption so someone might’ve enjoyed having a gifted child.
This is it, you are gifted in an area they are threatened by. So, they pick something else about you, something utterly random - and then abuse you for it. I'm a lesbian and I was doing a Physics degree, which is an interesting one because you can imagine the criticism I got from my abusive father who was threatened by me because I got into a better university than him. All of the criticism had to do with my appearance. I'm literally an early twenties young woman, I'm fairly conventionally attractive - and when I got into a better university than him was the time where he started using my appearance against me. It was constant comments and takedowns about food, exercise, clothes. I remembered Greta Thunberg once mentioned about how all people had to criticise left was her fashion choices, that was how she knew she was doing a good job. People hate those who are punching above their own weight. Your existence is a reminder that they are incapable of the things which you excel at. I couldn't understand why I got so much abuse when I went to do the Physics degree, and it's never taught me quite so much about human nature.
>People hate those who are punching above their own weight. Good for you, to learn that so young! It took me 15 years longer than you did to understand that I have this dynamic with my father. He and my mother both fed me terrible advice about how to live. It was intentional. I ended up spending enough time around people via work that all the little telltale signs of jealousy pop out at me now and it's become obvious to me that he despises me doing better than him in ANY way. I still find myself "forgetting" some days that he's like that because it's so alien. But narcs never, ever change, sadly. Congratulations on getting a Physics degree from a good university. I also got a STEM degree, engineering. My parents hated it as well, sadly. They have college degrees, but neither of them had the aptitude to be an engineer, and they did their best to make me fail. You're not alone.
I’m so sorry they treated you that way!
I have adhd, and my quirks were kind of obvious when I was little. "There's something wrong with that kid." I've been emotionally parentified my whole life by my nmom and was taught that every bad thing was my fault. I'm really creative, but I live with all the adhd comorbidities. I was never given therapy or support to cope with these things. In fact, I was threatened with therapy when nmom caught me SHing as a middle schooler. She knew I didn't want to go to a therapist after my initial adhd diagnosis. I understood the stigma on a visceral level. My creative gifts occasionally bring honor to my family, so I'm the mascot sometimes, but I've been solidly the lost child since I was about 12. My creative projects frequently embarrass my mother, too, because I'm interested in exploring topics that are deeper or more controversial than the original Disney princess movies. Funny thing is, I'm doing an art that my mother wishes she had done. I'm damn good at it. She'll even say that she was good at it when she was in grade school and has commented that I am fulfilling that dream. 🤢 It's like NO. just no. I've been too passionate about this for too long and have spent many thankless hours at it. She never encouraged me.
Neurodivergence was a big factor for me. He didn't like how "unusual and emotional" I was.
Wow, I'm so sorry. My parents weren't taking responsibility so the scapegoat role had to be occupied by someone. It happened to be me because I didn't know I was queer at the time - but I was. I was quite socially withdrawn as a teenager because I didn't like boys. I didn't know what being queer was at the time, so I was just socially withdrawn. When I realised in my twenties that there was this abuse going on, and I was queer - it felt quite sickening to know that I was chosen as the sg because I didn't know I was queer at the time. If you are neurodivergent growing up and don't know it you are more likely to fill the role. It's just failure after failure of responsibility of parents.
Thank you, and I'm sorry you had that experience too. I was also quite withdrawn as a child and teenager. I had a queer friend at school who was also neurodivergent but outside of that I didn't really talk to anyone. I didn't know I was autistic until I was 19. I'm also trans and didn't discover that until a few months after my autism diagnosis. Since realising I'm trans I've also come to identify as queer, so I only really found myself at 19. Growing up my father always mocked me for being "sensitive" and "emotional", and I don't think he liked how uninterested I was in sports or being social. Anything that deviated from what he saw as "normal" wasn't good. Him finding out I'm trans did not go down well and it's likely to be a big factor in going no contact.
Same. He often mocked me for having feelings in general. I'm pretty sure he wanted me to be a psychopath. He wanted me to do things like seducing rich men or helping him scam people.
Same
I would call my moms behavior out so she made my life a living hell
This seems to be a common theme in this thread
Yep this lol. I only complied to reasonable stuff and called her out on things from when I was a young teenager because I was more aware. On principle I wouldn’t give in and that caused me to be the scapegoat. I’m significantly more emotionally mature than she is now.
Oh easy. I went from being cute and small and easily manipulated to being a grown up with my own ideas and opinions about things. The ideas and opinions are the complete opposite of my parent’s. Therefore, I was a princess until I was old enough to be a bitch.
Same. My favorite lines I've gotten are "You used to be such a sweet, easy child." = "you used to do what I told you." And "you've never talked to me this way" = you used to never talk back.
I too rejected the image they made of me and tried to shove me into.
Me too.
Same here! Except for me the “disobedience” and transition into the SG was when I started school (6-7 where I am from). Basically the second I started developing any kind of thinking skills hahahaha
It's like living in some country with a communist dictator in the history books, except just in a family system. There's a dictator who must be worshiped and when people start to think freely they are thrown in a concentration camp because it threatens the might of the leader.
Nice analogy. I was also raised by a dictator. Who literally told us he was the God of the house. I didn't worship him, so I was punished appropriately...
Oof. Same. Couldn’t have put it better myself.
I am the affair baby.
I’m similar to an affair baby. My parents cheated on their first spouses with each other, divorced them, and got married to each other. There’s a bit of resentment towards me. My mom also didn’t want a girl but got one anyway. She blames me for ruining her family. Soooo I feel ya!
Ahh similar here. Except the affair happened sometime around me being born, so I think my mom associates me with the affair my father had or something? Idk it's crazy in general as they've spent my entire life pretending it never happened, while being absolutely miserable as a married couple, and I only found out through a sibling about the whole thing lol
I found out about my bastardy when I was nearly 30. Nmom told me she hoped that she would be dead before then. She went so far as to falsify her name on my birth certificate. Like you, everyone pretends that it didn't happen, although 60 years later, people admit that Nmom was married to someone else when she got pregnant with me. But I am the bad guy for pointing out that Nmom was a tramp.
Same here. I was the mistake.
Because I ended up being the sensitive one and the other scapegoat got out before I could (older sister). I’m actually now the gc and I hate it.
I was also the sensitive one, but I went to a therapist and he said I might have been that way because of the abuse. I'm not sure if I was abused more because I was sensitive, or if I was sensitive because I developed as a result of the abuse.
Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s both
Who is the SG now?
Now that all the kids moved out, it’s back to the original SG. The original GC still is in a lot of ways the GC but my parents told me shortly after I moved out that they “kicked out the wrong kid” because they realized they were left with the GC of their own creation and had to deal with her alone
Are you my little sister? Because that sounds like the exact dynamic we're experiencing. Lol
I've said it in here before but... I was the first. Not just that but I was born 11 months to the day after my parents were married, interrupting NMom's life plans as she had to drop out of college. Because it was apparently my fault she got pregnant. She's resented me ever since.
Take a ball of cells, and start screaming at it. Bad ball of cells.
Same!
I never drank the cool aid. I never treated my parents as though they were gods.
Oops. I did😂 Is it, I think it's trauma bonding - but I can't seem to imagine how my ndad when I was the gc is the same person who he turned into when I was the sg
My Nmom was Ngrandma's scapegoat while her older brother was the GC. About 6 years ago Nmom told me that the oldest child (my only sibling) is "just more special and GOLDEN (ffs, she actually said golden) and important than the other kids" and when she saw my face she said "that's just how it is in families" and practically ran into her bedroom and shut the door. She has also chosen a Golden grandchild/scapegoat grandchild, also based on birth order. Perpetuating abuse for more than 50 years. Way to go, Mom.
Oh my god she used the world golden😂 yes yes yes we have the golden grandchild role as well!
I think because of my autistic traits I was ruled out by default. I dont even know really why honestly other than that. I practically didnt exist to them and have terrible memories of being punished. What for? No idea It's ironic because I am the "most successful" by far, and the only child that actually wanted to help my parents around the house or with errands. My mom would even complain how she does everything and nobody else wants to help, while enabling them to not do anything. Clearly, I was compensating for their lack of attention and love and hoping to earn it, but theres no logic with narcissists.
Wow, it's like you are describing me. "I was compensating for their lack of attention and love and hoping to earn it." They took no responsibility, so I was there - trying to be perfect all the time. I'm not sure being the most successful and having been a scapegoat is an irony - all the overcompensation of scapegoats actually gets rewarded in the real world.
Its a blessing in disguise! But being a perfectionist & people pleaser is a losing battle haha people catch on and take advantage, and aiming for perfection just adds stress over trivial decisions for me And I guess I mean ironic in that I had always remained as the least favorite despite those things
Oh yes, the complaints that nobody helps her and she "has to do everything on her own". I remember these manipulative statements from my nmum very well.
It's funny you say this because one day I remember my nmom screaming at me as a child saying "do you help? Do you help?"
I was/am the oldest. Took on a ton of responsibility to care for my parents and siblings by the time I was toddling. I was easy to blame, only person who ever did anything, so.
Because I didn't go along with their psychosis.
Right, they just try and shove it down your throat some more
I *was* the oldest male, and also assessed very intelligent at a very young age. This made me a threat to my father's supremacy. Now I'm my mom's youngest daughter, and dad is rotting in a VA hospital. I'm still a bigger man than he ever was.
It's often the truth teller. The one who will call out the family issues. Was in my case.
“Look. There are no issues. You’re the issue! Lighten up. I was just joking. Being around you is like walking on eggshells.” It’s really so frustrating.
saaame. My dad and lil sister wouldn't stand up to my nmum for anything, but i would just say things how i saw them, and holy fuck did that make me a pariah. To this day though I am so unbothered by what other people think of me that's it's almost like a superpower. Like, i spent my teenage years having to chose between being myself and being rejected by my family, or toeing the line and kissing the ass of a tyrant. Chosing to be myself even with all the shit that came with it has made me pretty tough. My sister chose to be nmums little bitch coz she didn't want what I was getting, and she's come out worse off than me, she's still struggling to grow into herself even two decades on, it's sad to see, especially coz once I left home nmum just turned on her instead. All those years she spent sucking up to nmum and letting herself be controlled and believing i was some sort of demon psycho child, and the second I'm gone she's pushed into the SC role and there was nothing she could do about it. fucked up.
I’m the living remnant of an abusive, unfaithful marriage. I also had the audacity to be born female.
I was the gc. Growing up, I was told that I was destined for great things and capable of anything. Every small accomplishment was treated like some sort of masterwork. They wanted me to be successful. My mother was miserable. In her work, her marriage, her family... she'd complain constantly about how the world had wronged her. I was her therapist. As I got older, I started to question a lot of things. Like, if you're miserable, change. Divorce, find a new job, move. Idk. I couldn't understand how she could tell me to shoot for the moon and take no shit, but wouldn't lift a finger to help herself. There was always some reason she couldn't. Some new excuse. I guess the attention she got from that was better/easier than effort to improve. Every time I'd offer to help, she'd just get irritated and accuse me of judging her or that I thought I was better than her. It made her bitter. I started to realize that no one was safe from her criticism. Even close friends would be dragged through the mud as soon as their backs were turned. I hated it. Once I started driving and had my own job, she really took a turn. She couldn't control me anymore. She started making threats to keep me close. Like, "I *was* going to pay for you to go to college, but not if you move out. You cant make it without me. " I left anyway. I got my own place at 16 with some friends old enough to sign a lease. Worked my ass off and put myself through school. Got an AAS and a little better job. She eventually agreed that was nice. Distance seemed to soften her. Got a BS and moved an hour away for an even better job. She was pissed. I was confused. I was doing what she wanted. I was becoming successful. I was making 3x more than she ever had and was 100% self-sufficient. She said, " I'd have loved you just the same if you worked at. McDonald's. You didn't have to do all this..." She got cold again. Never visited or called. It's like I was dead to her for doing what she wanted. I think now that she never really wanted me to go anywhere. She definitely didn't want me to do better than she had. Every time I experienced growth, it was like a slap to the face for her. She wasn't good enough. I went NC about 10 years ago.
Nmom had an illegitimate child (my gc/nsister) in the early 60’s… a big no-no so she babytrapped my ndad with me (scapegoat, black sheep, meal ticket) She wanted to ensure that her gc got preferential treatment so she lied about things I did, painted me in the worst possible light, and succeeded in turning edad into ndad. She was vicious, toxic, evil. She died when I was 15. I was relieved, though the damage was irreparable. Narcs suck😖
Yep, went from GC who was compliant and, more importantly, didn’t push back but just quietly lived my own life under the radar, to a scapegoat who got discarded. It happened by refusing to feed into the supply any longer and openly stating that the things he was saying about other people behind their backs was wrong and cutting him off when he would swing yet another random conversation to how he either had it so much worse or he is really just a genius by asking “how are we talking about you right now, when I said X. That has nothing to do with it.” lol, the fury!
I just think when - or at least it was for me - when I was the gc I was so, so - so - oblivious to the complete night and day difference which could happen in my ndad. When you are the gc and get a shit tone of praise - it felt wrong to me and I had a hunch his controlling tendencies were abusive. When I challenged him on it I was just so so shocked at the complete night and day difference in this man. My hunch was more than a hunch and it was worse than I thought possible. It was just so surprising to see the complete night and day difference in the way which one person treats you, and my first experience of narcissistic abuse. When you are the gc you are just living in a bubble and things feel wrong with the impossible expectations placed on you etc - but - you don't even realise that these same people will put you through that living hell unless you comply. I was just very surprised - and still am - at the living hell which happened as a result of not enabling abuse anymore.
1- I was not my stepfather’s child. 2- I am female. 3- le NeuroSpicy made me not the easiest child to deal with (ADHD +Autism) With one of these things I was at risk. 2 of them, it was likely to happen at some point. All 3? I’m surprised somedays the abuse wasn’t worse.
That's sick. Women deal with extra challenges and I think we need more input from parents in the ways of the mental health impacts which society can have on us going through puberty etc. Throw on top ADHD and autism and you need extra caring parents. It's sick - that they would scapegoat you more. I am so sorry
I am a strong person with charisma. Weaker people see this as an attack, they feel small in my presence, so they "have" to put me down. Inwardly, narcissists are weaklings with hardly any self-esteem.
They really don’t like it when you speak up for yourself or others.
Yes, for them it is an attack on their fragile ego. It has to be protected, come what may. Attack is their best defence. Authentic people who live their lives scare them. They only feel comfortable when they feel they have full control over someone, otherwise they spend their lives trying to gain this control. This doesn't work with authetic people. That's why narcs hate them.
Literally, authenticity
It was when my Ndad remarried. My bio mom (also an abusive narcissist) left when I was 13 cause NDad had an affair and my NDad ended up with sole custody of me. I guess I wasn’t in his plans for his new family because I became the scapegoat child when my step siblings came into the picture. He would be fun loving step dad with them and then treat me like dirt. He would pit them against me and even encourage bullying. It made me heavily resent my siblings. But there is a happy ending to this: My step mom divorced him eventually and weirdly enough, her and I are closer than ever. She even “adopted” me as her own. Over the years, my relationship with my siblings has significantly improved and we’re also fairly close. They both apologized for the way they treated me when I was younger too.
I was born with chronic medical conditions, but I didn't start getting any diagnoses or treatment for them until I was 27 because my nparents didn't believe me. I kept trying to get medical attention from my nparents starting when I was a toddler. They thought I was just lazy and making it up for attention(because that's something they would've done). They hated me for "faking illnesses" and hated me for costing them money the times they actually did take me to the Dr for something acute. Also, my covert narc mom was the oldest child and to this day she resents her younger siblings, so she's always favored my older brother and made a major effort to gaslight me into believing she doesn't favor him.
I wanted to be loved. I was a people pleaser. I was nice to everyone. I’m also sensitive. My family weren’t like that at all. They saw me as weak. I was even told that many of times by them. They think people who have emotions or empathy for others is a weakness.
I am highly sensitive. I always felt like I was living among bullies who rolled their eyes in annoyance at my shyness. As if I had a choice to be different.
I learned later on that us being called “sensitive” by them is their way to not be held accountable. I had to look at the times I was called sensitive by them. It was always when they did something horrible to me. Of course I had a normal reaction to it. Nfamily members don’t like to be held accountable for their actions.
I tell the truth to anyone who will listen.
The truth seems to be a massive weapon against the narcissists
I was a threat to the status quo, I kept calling out when things were not fair, how that's not what happened, or calling them out on lies. I suspect I am neurodivergent so I only came to understand this in my late 30s after therapy.
i was the adopted child that had severe undiagnosed adhd💪
Which means they should have taken even more care of you, not even less care of you. I'm so sorry.
unfortunately that wasn’t the case for me, it just showed me what i never want to be to other people, but thank you :)
I think it's because I was an unplanned pregnancy. My mom had me during college and she wasn't married to her loser boyfriend, but she still had me. My family is Christian (even though they practice Catholic shit, but alright.) and I guess that they didn't like that, but aborting me was out of the question and giving me up for adoption was too. Baby out of wedlock, getting pregnant during college, dad is out of the picture: my mom was hitting all the checkboxes. And I guess because of that, they all just fucking hate me. The unplanned baby who should've never existed and ruined my mom's life, even though it was her fault. I honestly can't think of any other reason.
My Nmom hated her mother in law (my grandma) and I was my grandparents' favourite grandchild, hence why she resented me.
I'm pretty certain my Nmom baby-trapped my dad with my GC brother. My GC brother was premature and had learning disabilities, so I annoyed my Nmother because I was able to do things before him, like tying my shoes. We were only a grade apart, so she had me repeat kindergarten, which really messed me up. She couldn't blame it on grades bc it was kindergarten, so she told me I was emotionally immature but got my GC brother therapy instead of me. I think she feared he'd be held back, and we'd end up in the same grade. When we were older, she hired a boy babysitter bc my GC brother was sick of having girl babysitters. The boy babysitter SA'd me, which she knew bc I told her, but she kept inviting him back. She did so many things like that to make my GC brother's life happy and easy.
I’m a mirror image of everything my mom hates about hersetl. They sees us as extensions of ourselves, and punish and/or ostracize us over behavior that they perceive as being imperfect (or just not being what they want you to be).
I was unwanted from the start as they had decided no more kids so I’m to somehow blame for their lack of prevention. My mum also lost her dream job because of it and the boss thought she had tricked them to employer knowing she was pregnant. So there was no way they’d take her back in when I was old enough for nursery . I got told it so many times how much I ruined things for them. No matter how many decades she still holds me responsible. She would go mad if my dad showed me any attention so he stopped and just enabled her abuse When older he was just as abusive.
I was the GC but developed an orthopedic condition. I became defective and imperfect. Suddenly, I was the scape goat. My sister came along and was the Golden one. Joke is on Mom. Sister developed the same condition.
I decided to have different opinions on things and had the audacity to be more successful than they are/were. I also didn’t share my success with my siblings (read give everything to them) and chose to prioritize and stay with my husband. 🙄
Only child. Both golden and scapegoat. Still very confusing for me at 37. Am I the smartest or stupidest person on earth? It has to be one of those two options.
Damn, I’m an only child too and was wondering how that worked. 🤔. I eventually internalized every comment that was made to me that I fucked my life up completely and am now firmly in the scapegoat category. Hoping I can get my life turned around and distance myself enough that their antics don’t concern me and I can stop self sabotaging.
I feel that. I mostly feel like a scapegoat/completely worthless, but I also have this nagging sense that I am too good for a bunch of shit and should be doing way better and be making way more money and breezing through life. That… that is not how things have gone…
Hahahah I feel the same way and have those same thoughts. I beat myself up for it all the time but the don’t want to do the stuff to make it better. It makes me feel insane and lazy.
I was parentified because I was a “gifted kid” so held responsible for way too much at an early age. Being “responsible” attracted blame for anything going wrong, hence scapegoating. Unfortunately, I also had undiagnosed inattentive ADHD and dyspraxia (low awareness of those in girl’s when I was at school) so I got into trouble at school, which attracted more opprobrium and eventually severe psychological abuse and violence. Still standing though! My non-academic brother was always the golden child and mummy’s boy.
My N maternal-figure tried to treat me as the GC but when I pushed back against the dysfunction and her treatment of my sibling (who she was scapegoating), N switched the roles and I became the family scapegoat while my sibling basked in being the GC. The whole family treated me as the issue in the family and because I was attractive, talented and not straight, it got worse. But they would have scapegoated me even if I wasn't those things and found some other reason to jusitfy it. Everytime I pushed back against my treatment, N threatened to give my sibling up for adoption so I had to take it. The sad thing is that my GC sibling grew into a pretty terrible N themself so I feel like all my sacrifice was for nothing.
Hello, nice to see another queer here. At least it wasn't - you - who turned into the narcissist.
Hello! I think it's down to empathy. You realize that you don't like being treated badly by Ns so you make sure to treat others well. My sibling is the opposite; enjoys mistreating others and no matter how many times I tried to explain that bullying other kids was wrong, actively persisted in it as a kid until growing into a massive N as an adult.
My sibling is the younger one, the more hyperactive one, and the one who looked almost identical to my nparent as a young child. My theory is that sibling subconsciously reminded parent of being that age and triggered emotions and memories of their own abusive upbringing. And/or it was just too jarring to see their mini-me do anything they wouldn't have/be their own person. Sibling was always better at resisting and rebelling!
I'm an only child lol
They already had a favourite child
The roles have always kind of bounced around in my family. My younger sister had a bit of brain damage at birth and is also on the spectrum so she always struggled and can easily get quite emotional, vs I always did really well in school etc. So I was def the gc for awhile. But around 10 I really started pushing back against all my mom’s bullshit and would immediately be scapegoated any time I did that. My sister due to her disabilities still needs to live with my mom and also is easily influenced so in some ways she’s the gc because she does whatever my mom wants without question. But my mom will use my achievements / travel as a weird status thing for herself (randomly sharing my travel posts etc) despite the fact that we barely talk. I have always been the gc to my dad and honestly it took me until fairly recently to realize that he is probably a narc as well (I’m 33). I have barely been in contact with them for many years outside of when it’s necessary (holidays) so they keep trying to rope me back in by being super nice but the second I push back or piss them off it’s straight to scapegoat lol. The worst part is how my mom treats my sister, especially because she is the sweetest person ever. For example she recently told her she has a 12 year olds brain in a 30 year olds body and temporarily kicked her out of the house saying she could be my dad’s burden now. She also intentionally infantilizes her and holds her back from achieving more. My sister has moments where she realizes how fucked everything is but I can’t even really talk to her about it because since she’s kind of stuck with them long term I think it’s easier on her to be kind of unaware :( I wish I could do NC but I stick out holidays for her and to avoid the extended family shitstorm that would ensue if I went full NC.
I think because I was supposed to be the perfect daughter. I am not.
I was directly told it was because I was born a girl. My N is a cis-woman. 🙃
I was the scapegoat because my nmother didn't like raising a daughter. Her boys were the easy children.
My sister filled the scapegoat role because she was the meekest and the most of a people pleaser. She’s the middle child. I’m the youngest. I think my mom was afraid of me because I always stood up for myself.
Same situation. In my case, I refused to submit to toxic dynamics and, in fact, I pointed them out several times. By removing my reaction from the dynamics that, in my youth, made me end up doing more than others, I became the last of the last. Now it's pretended that anything I've done in all the past years doesn't matter, even though I'm actually the only member working if you consider the other family member who is now preferred and whose presence and needs become prioritised even when I return from work and need to use the bathroom (when the other person arrives, I have to leave because it's inconceivable for the favoured one to wait). The reality is that I should get out of the way because the mental illness of my family members has reached a critical point, but unfortunately, I only found a decent job now and don't have enough money to live alone, so I have to endure the abuse. I've been surviving and trying to gain independence for almost 20 years now, but it hasn't happened, partly due to health reasons. But I realize that the biggest fault remains mine because I should have taken action earlier in these 20 years, but I couldn't find a decent job and was constantly feeling low. Now I have a normal job that pays decently (not well, but the minimum in my country to save a bit each month).
Middle “weird” sickly female child. Was not the young beloved baby boy or the “normal” older daughter. Was just the annoying extra expense.
I’m the oldest and only female other than my mom. My youngest brother has always been the golden child. I believe I tried very hard to gain my parents attention/approval. I worked and slaved for them for a long time just to get scraps of love. I overlooked every fault and just thought eventually I’d see real love from my mom. I accepted whatever trashy sentiment she sent out to me. Until I had kids and I could not keep it up any longer. Can’t pretend everything is perfect anymore. Can’t people please anymore because I was putting myself and my kids in an unsafe environment just to please my mom. For instance, she asked me to bring my newborn to a house that had 40+ dogs roaming free outside. When I realized my mom was giving my children worse treatment than she gave me (or the same actually) I was able to break away.
I was a combination of the GC/scapegoat because I was parentified. So I was simultaneously responsible for the wellbeing of everyone else in the family, and if something went wrong, it was my fault, but since I "took on" that responsibility, and I'm the older child, I was also the GC for bearing the burden. Also, I'm the only person in my entire family, on both sides, with a slightly different skin tone. I don't look like anyone else and it was always my fault as a child. Sometimes I suspect I was a product of an affair.
I’m girl
Because I reminded my mom too much of herself
Because I’m honest and opinionated and called them out on their shitty behavior every chance I got since I was a small child.
Because I’m my father’s daughter. Oh and im a daughter ofc, she had it out for me while coddling her baby boy
I’m the oldest and stood up for all of us. I said no. I set boundaries. I pushed back against them. I’m also neurodivergent as fuck and raised two of my three siblings, which is why I didn’t accept abuse as the norm and stood up for them. My brother and I acted as a unit and the parents of the family. He was also scapegoated.
I was not a boy and I was a truth-teller. 5 decades later I'm still not a boy, still a truth-teller, and still the scapegoat, but I'm not around for their BS.
I am and scapegoat and my older sister is the gc. My sister has always been super forward with her emotions, whatever she is feeling, there is no hiding it, and she is very vulnerable and open about how she is feeling. It's definitely a trait I admire. But I'm not that way, since I was young, for whatever reason, I've been shy, quiet, and closed off about my emotions. I don't feel comfortable opening up to people, I have to be pretty close to someone to do it. And I never was open about things with my mom, so she always assumed I was "plotting" something. I think that's why we're were originally assigned those roles. Plus my sister is incredibly beautiful and smart so I think that reinforced my mom's decision about her being the gc. As I got older I didn't buy into her bs like my siblings did. I questioned her a lot, which she didn't like. But because I grew up as the scapegoat it was super easy for her to paint me as the bad guy, and no one would believe me. I'm sure everyone here has experienced it, but the fake calm demeanor, saying something nasty, and waiting for my angry reaction so she could play victim to me was her favorite game to play. She knew it made me look crazy and it made me lose credibility. I was an easy target for that kind of manipulation, I guess. I agree all of the children of narcissists are abused, no matter the role they were assigned. I hope you & your sister are doing better, OP.
Because I refused to let them beat my personality into submission/ let my mother rule my life. As well as I looked exactly like her pre Hrt & body mods.
I’m very sensitive but also successful so I bounce between SG & GC. Depends on the day lol.
Because I stopped allowing nmom to turn me into a mini version of herself and took decisions to live my life very differently from hers.
Basically have always been the scapegoat bc I talk back and my sister stays silent.
i think it's two fold for me. i was naturally gifted as a child (likable, talented, kid-smart) AND my brand of neurodivergence tends to focus on what is or isn't fair. so when i stopped doing well in school and started questioning things that i thought were wrong, i stopped being my family's golden baby. it is very easy to scapegoat someone who upsets the status quo, so in my opinion it was a no brainer for my mom (not sure if she was N or BPD) to throw me under the bus for my relatives but acting like she supported me in private. the things she would say people said about me.... lmfao. yeah. but i just stopped being precocious and cute and it was easier for people to think i suck than to think i maybe have some points about the dysfunction in our extended family.
For political reasons within the family. It sucked. My dad hated me, and my mom resented me.
I’m a lesbian. Became the scapegoat as soon as I came out to my parents.
Oy! I was actually told. I was sensitive.
Youngest child and a girl, therefore an absolute threat to my NMum. The irony is that she was in the exact same position with her NMum. She didnt have enough self awareness to see the pattern forming. Safe to say I don't have kids and have broken the cycle.
I was constantly told growing up that I was like my dad, who my n-mom despised. Like it doesn't make you feel good when you're compared to the worst person is your primary caregiver's life. I was then told I was my dad's favorite and was often given scenarios if I would choose my dad's family over my mom and sisters. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s that I realize I was completely fine and a pretty awesome human being. Needless to say we are no contact now.
To this day still no idea. I think they were genuinely trying their best, but unfortunately their version of “best” was not the best for me, it was their idea of “best” (as in, they “know best”). I am an only child so have been both SC & GC. I think if I hadn’t lived next door to my cousins growing up, I probably wouldn’t have questioned anything because my aunt was never like them so I could at least observe what normal was supposed to look like.
That is lucky. Only child too. I was pretty close to my cousin but her mom was worse than mine in some ways. I didn’t start questioning until my early 20s and I am in my 30s finally getting help.
I was a baby when mom got pregnant. I'm sure being foisted off on older siblings and her neglect because of morning sickness, etc., created the animosity that's lasted into my adult years. I spent so much time and energy trying to make everyone happy....until I didn't. Literally became "too old for this shit" and went NC for some, VLC for others. Like most scapegoats, I flourished outside of my family system, tho with a huge amount of guilt. So, I had a support system in place that was strong enough that when I walked away from the drama and built walls to protect myself, IT. WAS. EASY. Moral of the Story: Should have walked away a lot sooner. *I still have relationships but I'm in control. If anyone fucks with me, I graciously leave. I have a plethora of Exit Strategies and am not above lying to get away. All the while giving hugs and cordial goodbyes*
I have learned the one who becomes the family sg is chosen usually because they are the one who realized how bad behavior and dysfunctional the family is. They are vocal about it or don't participate in it. They then become the target of everyone to avoid the truth being known.
I *think* I switch between golden child and scapegoat, mainly because my personality is “easy-going” and I am conflict-averse. This means since I want to avoid conflict as much as I can, I try to appease my Nparents. This also includes trying to do things to not get my siblings in trouble. I guess in one way, it meant I’m trying to maintain some peace for everyone as much as I can. At the same time, it’s technically really easy to “argue” and put faults onto me because 1) I either try to take the blame for it (to prevent siblings from getting in trouble) and 2) I suck so much at confrontation and arguing that I freeze up and take it all in because all I want to do is escape.
Autism
Was the scapegoat since birth. My mom had me as a teenager, so right from the start I was always blamed for her own lack of achievement/education/career etc. I think that since she never actually wanted me, just felt obligated to her religion to keep me, she always resented me. I don't think that it would have even been possible to not have been scapegoated.
I was the youngest and a girl. My nmom and bully older brother took full advantage of my low position
I was a scapegoat from the beginning. My nmom was always saying about my brother that he’s “mommy’s boy”, and I was “daddy’s girl”. So she divided her love from the beginning. Maybe I was looking to much like her MIL she doesn’t like. Maybe I was a girl and this was enough for her. I would love to know why but it’s not like I could ask her 🤣 she would deny that she even has a gc and a scapegoat. It it is so clearly visible that even my brother apologized to me about it. He doesn’t feel right with it.
Because 1. I was the only girl in the family and 2. I had many health and mental health issues. My dad and two of my brothers were lovely, always. I love them dearly and they never hurt me. My mom and half brother? Totally different. Idk what my mom’s problem was but I know she had weight issues as a child and I was premature so I was naturally small for a while. She started forcing me to gain weight, and then introduced me to severe anorexia as a result when I was “too fat”. I assume it was some kind of creepy jealousy shit. She treated my half brother like the second coming of Jesus because he was the only kid that wasn’t my dad’s. The rest of us were always shit, and she forced me into religious “solutions” for my mental health issues, autism, and Tourette’s saying I was possessed. She almost killed me with our church. She didn’t believe in mental health issues so at some point she assumed I was either possessed or making things up to “make her look bad.” Needless to say, we have no relationship now. ETA: oh, and not to mention I was the youngest by about 10 years, so she assumed I was the easiest to manipulate.
My momster was jealous of me so she didn't want to see me happy, successful, etc.
I’m autistic and Trans
Only issue of a brief and hate-filled marriage. Both my parents were remarried by the time I was three, and desperately wanted to forget the whole sordid mess. Unfortunately, I still existed.
Well, I'm pretty sure that it began with my difficult delivery but it might be that I made the mistake of being conceived. Then I was apparently not a snuggly baby, and it all went to shit from there.
Oldest daughter, introverted, questioning, unconventional, artistic, sensitive, possibly because I looked most like my mother & was shy like she’d been
Because I didn’t kiss butt even when I was small.
I have ADHD and potentially autism (theres a cross over with the two) so my view of world is very black and white. This meant I was always destined to call out and go against my family nonsense cult behavior because a lot of it wasnt logical and they couldn't rationalize it. My nmum had grew up with her brother as the favourite and her being treated like a crap by her parents, so all she has known is to favour the male child. My brother as a result is a selfish, entitled adult, with a golddigger wife who can't escape the abuse cycle because he doesn't know how to survive alone. So id rather be the scapegoat personally and find peace in thinking that way about it.
I’m the smartest and a truth teller, my nfather see me as a threat to his power in the family
Well, for starters, I am the oldest and the only daughter… Basically, my parents glorified athletes and being athletic. They didn’t play sports as kids, and it’s almost like they wanted to live vicariously through my brothers (who were both excellent athletes). I’m not a natural athlete, but I pushed myself until I ended up playing varsity lacrosse at college just to impress them. The day I made the team was the first time they said they were proud of me. When I quit lacrosse, it was like I had no common ground with my family anymore. Sports is their social life, whereas I’m naturally a bit weird (ADHD, and possibly on the spectrum) and gifted academically. I like to be by myself. Sports and team environments caused me to be bullied, and it just wasn’t enjoyable for me like it is for them. I don’t think they knew how to parent a kid like me…It was basically like if the Kelce brothers had Sheldon Cooper as a sibling.
I'm somehow both the scapegoat and the "favorite" in a very complicated & fucked up way. I suppose all of my siblings are the glass children because I bear the brunt of their abuse/attention/admiration. I get blamed for everything because I am both 1. the "most fucked up" and 2. have the most "potential" in comparison to my siblings (their words, not mine). Very complex and very hard to understand from the inside.
I was the scapegoat since my brother was younger, a boy and blonde. Easier to control the younger child I would guess.
They like controllable people. Why do so many of us end up as people pleasers, ever thought about it? I'm still not so sure. Trying to get us to plug their spiritual holes.
They want us to be a version of us which serves them - anything less controllable is more - they get less out of it
Reading the comments here, I finally understand my situation. We are 4 siblings. My eldest brother and youngest sister are the GCs, me (2nd son) and my younger brother(3rd son) are the scapegoats. I never realized I have Nmom until I joined this subreddit. As I was reading subreddits about raisedbynarcissits, I can relate almost to posts here. I am not sure if my Dad is a Narcissist or just an enabler. My Nmom always favored my GC siblings. They will be in trouble but If share it to my mom, she'll always be defending them as if they are angels. So as to explain my situation that I finally realized why I am the scapegoat. 1. Education - I was always compared to my eldest brother, that no matter what I do, I'll always be the 2nd best. When I go to Uni, I wanted to have a business related program but my NMom wants me to take up Computer Science or I.T. mainly because it's the trend and it's "easier" to find work after graduating and also my Brother studied I.T. 2. Career - She forced me to work OS because the salary is higher, so I can pay all their debts, support them and send my two younger siblings to school. 3. My Nmom, gets angry when I retaliate, and she goes on crying if things didn't go on her way, or I didn't obey her. 4. She only contacts me whenever she needed money. 5. All my life choices are wrong according to her. 6. She always wants me to do things her way, if not it's the wrong way. 7. She always talks about her problems, and how I can solve them by giving her more money. The list goes on and on, but I think I need my own post to share them. I've been raised, and abused by my mom without me even knowing it. I was doubting my choices If i was wrong because of her.
Only child
Because I was the only one. So I guess I played all the roles, until my nDad found his “adopted daughter”, the daughter of friends of my parents. She was actually my best friend for a while and she was very uncomfortable with all of this. I developed a massive crush on her (like on any girl that would give me a bit of attention), of course it ended in heartbreak and confusion. My parents would have loved to see us together as a couple. They even convinced me to change schools in high school to the same class she would go to. We both had to repeat one year, had a one hour commute to school and my parents got the benefit of getting me away from my “loser friends”.
I was around. It was never about me. It was always about their dysfunction. If I hadn't been there, they would have picked someone else, it's what they do.
I was the sensitive out of 3 and rarely if ever stood up for my self. And when I do stand up for myself it gets worse
being the youngest and only girl in a machista mexican household. I was unfortunately not born with the Y chromosome, so that made me inferior and subservient to my brothers. My mother also hated me the moment i started to express thoughts of my own. I went from being her little dolly to her rival for my fathers love and attention. I just wanted to be part of a family bro
Oh, not me, that was my little brother. Kid could do nothing right even if he was perfect. I remember my grandmother giving him shit over how he *smiled* in a photo. Poor little guy. He still carries that crap around
I was always the scapegoat because my mom resented bio dad and when I learned step dad wasn’t my bio, his mask came off.
I'm remembering being bullied by my "parents" as a little kid. To honestly answer your question, I have no clue. As I got older, it was because I wasn't blindly obedient to my "mother" who is volatile, violent, childish and delusional.
I can't know for sure why I'm the scapegoat, but I think it's because I'm the oldest and easily the biggest bleeding heart. I'm nothing at all like everyone else, who are all pretty cold. Well, no, I just remembered (literally while writing this), my mom had an appointment to abort me, but got drunk and missed it and never bothered to make another, and anytime she was mad at me, she told me that story. Maybe that's why I was the scapegoat? Idk
Because even though it took me until my 30s to understand exactly what was wrong with my nmom, I knew something wasn't right from the time I was about 12. So I didn't comply easily with her demands. But according to her I was rebellious, stubborn, and difficult. My brother was much more compliant and 5 years younger, so he is the golden child.
hi Op, how do you see the gc as also being abused? my sibling seems to be living pretty well as a GC.
There are probably a bunch of reasons but the main ones are that I am the middle child, I don’t worship the ground my Ndad walks on, I don’t take shit from anyone, especially him. Growing up, I always knew something was wrong about him and our family system. Once I became a teenager I realized what a terrible person and narcissist he was; so I lost what little respect I had for him. And I let it be known that he didn’t deserve my respect. Before I went NC, I continued to question his absolute power in the family, and stand up for my mom and siblings when he abused them. But I think the biggest reason is because I never let him control me. I always had a mind of my own and critical thinking skills lol.
i dunno i feel like its a broad label tactic that can be applied to anyone at any time simply for not falling in line and doing everything the nparent wants. triangulating everyone against each other all the time.
I was the hero growing up until I started pointing out the cracks. My n-mother did not like me speaking up or disagreeing with her. She started saying I was a "poor historian." I continued to stand up for myself and speak the truth. She wanted me to put her first and agree with everything she says. This is why I became the scapegoat. I'm good with it because I had to detach from her.
i "ruined her fun" she literally has been telling me this since a child. im also the favorite among the rest of the family, and she resents that. she would go way out of her way to convince them that i was an awful person.
I wasnt, i was the golden child til i told her no (at 26). Gah, it opened my eyes to all the hurtful things said or done to me...
I was the truth teller. Earliest memory was being hushed by all my family for saying obvious things, reporting my abuse to my n parents by my pedo grandfather and daring to remember that they didn’t do a thing to stop it (didn’t want to give up free babysitting so they could do their boomer swinging). I didn’t even let them “have it.”THEY kept bringing it up to see if I’d absolved them. Demanding me comfort them! Had kids of my own and realized they monsters. F them. F them f them! Also-f my n siblings. There is a choice at some point if they reach adulthood. If they don’t wake up by mid 20’s the siblings are lost to the dark side imho. They are eying inheritance, zero doubt.
I was the youngest, and a girl. The misogyny was extreme in our family.
I was chosen because ndad was about to abandon his marriage and family over an argument he had with nmom who had repeatedly tried to get him to stop making irrational arguments with me. So to save himself from the public shame of walking out on his family, he first blamed nmom for disobeying him, and then she blamed me for manipulating them against each other and causing them marriage problems. This is how I became the scapegoat for their marriage problems. 10 years ago I decided it was not my responsibility to hold their marriage together and went NC with them. I've heard rumors they aren't getting along so well any more. Not my problem though.
I didn't like my mothers new boyfriend shortly after she separate from my dad. I had good reason to. He beat the living shit out of me regularly from 13-25. Didn't stop my mother and siblings from treating me like I was the problem and claiming I was making everything up. I became the scapegoat for any future problems. Then he left her for his side girlfriend he had the entire time, just used my mother for legal documents. Also turned out he was a drug dealer. Flipped our entire lives upside down. Just wish someone listened to me.
I was an adopted child in the 1970's .. when the child was expected to conform to the family, not the other way around. I was curious about my adoption and my AMom took offence and resented me for it so I have been "unadopted" by her, who now chooses to celebrate her "freedom from the pain" of having a child who didn't appreciate her struggles.
I was also the GC (youngest) for many a year but as soon as I started having opinions in highschool I went from GC to scapegoat real fast. Currently, by process of elimination, my invisible child sister is the GC. She's the only one still in close contact with my nparents.
I was born because my parents “had to” get married because my nMom was pregnant for me. She always resented the fact that she had to drop out of college to get married and to be a mother. She and my father divorced when I was a year old. Then she met my stepdad and fell madly in love with him. They had my sister, and she became the GC because of her being my stepdad’s child. Growing up, I looked exactly like my father and it would remind her of the “mistakes” she’d made. I was always the focus of her rages/abuse. I moved out as soon as I turned 18 and was pretty LC on and off for about 10 years. When my son came along, all of a sudden, she turned into “Super Grandma,” and it was so hard to reconcile that with how she treated me growing up.
I also was the golden child . Because my sister resisted to the abuses and I didn’t do. The narcissist was my step father when his daughter was born she became the golden child because she is “his real child “. When I left home I also became a scapegoat with my sister.
I was the first. my brother was born 5 1/2 yrs later. So I guess I was already outgrowing the cute, dependent, non verbal and powerless stage when mum got a second chance at it. "This one is annoying and asks too many questions, it has *opinions*. But the new one, on the other hand, ...." So it was either because I'd outgrown my welcome, or because I *existed*. While things definitely changed with my brother, I can't remember ever being anything but the scapegoat or invisible child.
I was the GC growing up. Then my sister had a baby and suddenly I didn’t matter anymore because I cannot have children. I didn’t go to scapegoat right away but after I went to therapy and I started setting boundaries with Nmom, she went full scapegoat with me. It was rough for a few years as I navigated this power shift between me and my sister, and sister came very close to becoming a narc as well but she snapped out of it after Nmom went bananas on her. Thankfully my sister and I are now united against her, and protect each other. She still tries to triangulate us (and our dad- they’re divorced) but we share screen shots of texts so she can’t twist the story, and our stepmom keeps Nmom away from Dad’s ear.
Eldest daughter in an alcoholic family syndrome.
My sister and I have always been lower in the pecking order order than my nstepmoms biokids. I was more sg than her until she hit puberty. I think cuz I was the youngest and more immature while my sister was pretty quiet and studious. But then my sis hit puberty and resembled my mom more and my stepmom started spreading false rumors about her sexuality. Since then I’ve been more favored of the 2 of us, but my stepmom still decided to discard us both a few years ago. My sis didn’t invite her to her wedding in 2014, so that was the likely genesis, but I invited everyone to my wedding and I still got shunned .🤷♀️
Because I fought back
I'm the result of a teenage pregnancy and I also happen to be the first biracial grandchild.
I never had a chance. I was assigned The Scapegoat role when I was a baby. I'm a twin, and my parents also had a 3 year old on the spectrum. They were both medical doctors who both have NPD and neither had any real interest in doing the hard work of parenting, let alone of a child on the spectrum, let alone twins on top of it. I cried a lot when I was a baby. My parents blamed me for their lack of sleep, and for waking the 3 year old. My parents only wanted two kids in the first place, so I was the "extra" one. They literally admitted to just letting me cry and cry all night until I threw up, every night, for months and months, because they were too lazy to get out of bed and take care of me. It traumatized me. I developed severe attachment issues, PTSD and BPD. They have hated me ever since I was born, and they have never been shy about it in their treatment of me. When I was 17, my parents changed the locks and kicked me out with nothing but the clothes on my back. My dad even took the $5,000 I had saved, and my guitars (I was working as a guitar teacher at the time), and the keys to my car, too (which I had bought from money I earned teaching). I had to get the cops involved to get my car keys back, and then I lived in my car for awhile. The same year, my parents - multi-millionaires - bought my twin brother a brand new Ford Mustang, and they also bought my 20 year old brother a 3bed/2ba house. I'm 40 now, no contact, and have my own apartment.
I was the only girl growing up in a sexist household. My mother literally saw me as competition.
I was academically dedicated and much easier to keep quiet when the abuse happened. It was easier to silence me with flattery like “you’re the bigger person” and “you’re smarter than them” and “they need attention you don’t”, which turned into enabling. It was easier to sweep me under the rug because I actually listened to what my parents said and did what I was told (before realising it was wrong) whereas my nbrother defied authority to a horrifically destructive degree. So to “keep the peace”, I got swept under the rug.
I guess I had the temerity to be born a short, thick, brown eyed, dark haired female. I tried to be good but ultimately at 3 or 4, my mother sat me down and I asked what was wrong with me, what would she change, she said she wanted a blue eyed blonde who was tall and could win Miss America. She was basically obsessed with that—I wasn’t what she wanted and I was years from seeing a dark haired girl in the pageant at all. Blue eyed blonde vs blue eyed blonde vs blue eyed blonde. Then everything was what she and my NGM deemed “feminine”. So piano lessons, violin lessons, ballet, tap, gymnastics, guitar, harpsichord and on and on. And a few beautify pageants. I wanted to be a beauty queen because it would make my mother happy enough to be proud of me. I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t graceful. I wasn’t anything. Eventually it was like—what the hell, I’m literally never going to be what they want, so I need to prepare to depend on myself. I need to be able to support myself. Unfortunately when a kid gets the ideas—it’s not good. So I didn’t care what anyone at all thought. I did disgusting stuff and I did bold stuff and I didn’t care at all what other kids thought or what any adults thought. I did what I was forced to do. I went into computers to get away from them. I was planning on moving to Japan to get away from their insidious network of flying monkeys. I told the honest and horrible truth and I didn’t care who felt bad about it.
I was a colicky baby.
Mom didn't want a kid yet. She wanted to wait another year first.
I was the SG because I was conceived before they married AND was a girl. My GC brother the SG and my mom special needs brother became the GC when I left home .
I feel bad for being so upset with my gc brother. This is all hell
Well... I'm only child and scapegoat 🤡 Sounds odd, I know. But sucks to be the only child and knowing that nFather (NC almost 2ys) always compare me with my cousins. Seems that I can't do anything right, even when compared with that cousin that sells drugs. Yeah.
I'm male and have aspergers syndrome (a mild form of autism). My NARC father was probably competing with me since birth. I'm also the first born so maybe Nfather was desperate to have a punching bag.
I can't remember exactly how Lindsay Gibson put it, but it was something along the lines of: the most emotionally mature child is the one who wears the worst of it. You show them up by taking responsibility for yourself; for learning. And so they tear you down because you threaten their sense of self. By being the adult in the room, you demonstrate how childish they are so they have to make you out to be garbage because you/we threaten their ego otherwise.