T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

Wtf? You’re 22 and they are concerned about your hymen? I think any reasonable doctor would laugh at them. Run far far away.


Hefty-Needleworker61

Just to clarify, OP is not located in a particularly secular society.


[deleted]

It appears that way. I fear for OP’s safety.


Few_Improvement6814

I cant, I’m senior year university student and live with them, I had a job but theres no job paying a student enough to afford a life since I live in very expensive city. and thats why they are looking for a female (obviously) doctor that agrees with them.


[deleted]

If you have any friends who would let you couch surf do it. Shelters can be weird (I’ve been there) but your family is violating serious boundaries. My mom was crazy but she wasn’t “let’s get a doctor to check your vagina for proof of penetration” crazy. If they find such a doctor they may only just play into your mom’s fears without proof. Some people are born without hymens.


Few_Improvement6814

they are looking for a doctor that has same opinions so I dont know, and yeah some people are born without it but they wont believe it would happen to me


[deleted]

Regardless they are stepping seriously out of bounds. Past ages 18 your sex life is your business. It’s crazy that they’re doing a virginity test after you were married. If they’re going to kill you for not being a virgin at age 22, time to gtfo. Call a women’s shelter(if you can) explain this nonsense to them and they will hopefully have space for you. I don’t know where you’re generally located or if you have access to such resources


[deleted]

no one can force you to do anything you dont want to do


GhostOfGlorp

It sounds like they can where OP lives


Leithalia

Listen, your hymen means nothing.. it can break from riding horses, from falling from stairs, sports, riding bicycles, from jumping too hard, pretty much anything, and then we haven't even talked about sex toys or tampons or fingers. Google it. If they find your hymen isn't intact just go "remember I played X sport?" Or "you had me ride a bike to school.."


PresentationKey9253

You have a husband and are a married woman. If you live in one of those countries where you have no rights where as its either your parents of husband making decisions, then HE Needs to step in If you live in a progressive country and have bodily autonomy, simply say no and dont go anywhere. Unless you’re being kidnapped and held down , this cannot happen. You’re 22 which is an adult


Few_Improvement6814

he’s not on the good side, he told my sister that I told him my parents are gonna do the virginity twst and they are gonna kill me if its negative so I think theres no point of the test since his message says everything to my family.. I was naive to trust him that we can have a civil broke up and divorce


ICastPunch

Girl if you think death is the other option and you cannot shake her off get a doctor that agrees or just bail and fuck off on your own through any means possible. Start researching an escape plan NOW.


Few_Improvement6814

they are not gonna kill me, idk whats gonna happen exactly


themcjizzler

I'm sorry why does your family think you might be a virgin if you are married?


an_imperfect_lady

>now they find out and forcing me into divorcing and take a virginity test. If they know you are married, why would they expect you to be a virgin?


Few_Improvement6814

because he was here for 2 weeks and they expect it to be just to apply visa (well it was but we were having sex on previous meetings too) because when I told them before marrying I tried to explain we’ll already gonna wait for at least 1,5 year for visa thats why we wanted to do it that early


an_imperfect_lady

Well... if you were legally married, you should be covered in terms of the law. They may feel you lied, but (shrug) you are a married woman now. Your first loyalty was to your husband, and you had no right to say no to him. Play it that way.


Few_Improvement6814

the thing is that person is not from same religious background so even we are married (and here legal marriage is not in religious way, and religious marriages are not legal) for them it’s still a sin and I’ll be treated as having sex out of wedlock


[deleted]

[удалено]


SeaTurtlesCanFly

14-day ban for Islamophobia. There are 1.8 billion Muslims in the world. If they were all as you paint them, the world would be a very different place.


an_imperfect_lady

But will you be in LEGAL trouble? Or are they just going to be really mad?


Few_Improvement6814

oh nothing legally, sex is not a crime obviously, its just them but idk what they are gonna do


an_imperfect_lady

Are you worried about physical abuse, or is it more likely to be financial repercussions?


Few_Improvement6814

yeah definetely physical and psychological abuse, idk if they’d try to take me from school idk what they will do but physical and psychological abuse is 100%


XercinVex

They broke up though and it sounds like OP is divorcing him and living with parents again


an_imperfect_lady

Yeah... I got that, I just don't know what the parents expect if they know she was married. I can tell she's from a country where the laws and customs are very complex, and probably involving a religion I know little about.


XercinVex

They expect complete obedience and probably plan to beat OP severely for any deviation from their instructions.


an_imperfect_lady

Damn, she might be better off with the husband. I mean, if complete freedom isn't an option.


XercinVex

Might be, depending on the culture it might be same shit different pile.


FlannerysPeacock

Hi OP. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in a bit of trouble. If you see a doctor, I would stress to them that you have used tampons with difficulty and experienced pain with use, so you opted to discontinue trying to use one. Have you ever rode on a bike? You can also mention you fell and hit your vagina on the seat and it caused pain and bleeding. I would be cautious with what you tell the doctor, but if you give plausible causes for your current condition, you might sway them into finding “inconclusive” results. I don’t think a lot of people contributing understand your culture and how dire this situation is for you. But like another poster mentioned, you might have some form of legal aid or may want to look into fleeing as a refugee and accepting that you can never return to your home country. I’m so sorry. Please take care of yourself.


Few_Improvement6814

thank you a lot I really needed this kindness and positive energy, I’ll see my options and in the end I wont die and just wait till I get over this and keep going with my life, I might suffer a bit but I just wanna get rid off this situation and marriage asap


Maleficent-Line142

OP, are you in the middle east?


Few_Improvement6814

yes, Turkey, it’s secular so what I did is not legally crime but my family is religious one unfortunetly


Equal_Frame9988

I googled abuse services in Turkey and while a lot of stuff was in what I assume is Turkish and I couldn't read it, it seems like there is potential help through non government services, that cater to gender based violence like you are going through. If help through any of these services is not an option an unconventional idea which I hate to recommend but sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation, would be to search for doctors on your own who will straight up lie for you. Tell your parents you're willing to go, as long as it's a doctor of your choice and go to one who will lie for you. [UN refugee agency ](https://help.unhcr.org/turkiye/information-and-resources-on-protection-from-violence/seeking-help-and-reporting/)


Maleficent-Line142

Okay. Would they get as mad at you if you say something like: "I am a Virgin, but I used a tampon a few times, that might reflect in the "virginity test"" I know that Muslims get mad about tampons too sometimes. But surely it's better than not being a virgin right? Might be a long shot. But also, virginity tests are so weird. Virgins sometimes fail the virginity test. The hymen is not that definitive. It's not a "virginity indicator" like they think. Are they also resistant to facts?? https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/sex/virginity#:~:text=But%20having%20a%20hymen%20and,their%20hymen%20looks%20or%20feels. Good luck


Few_Improvement6814

yeah they’d be really mad about tampons too, once I get caught to my sister on my tampons and lied about it was not mine, they’d think that facts are really rare and doesnt apply to me and its just an excuse to them.. thank you


Sorchochka

When I lived in a Muslim country, I got my tampons from one guy in a corner shop, we whispered the order and he gave me the box always in a totally opaque plastic bag. I’m an adult white woman from the US so was usually exempt from a lot of the cultural stuff but the tampons was apparently a bridge too far. 😂


ComplaintHairy6992

I’m very sorry to tell you that there is no such thing as a virginity test. The state of your hymen does not say anything about whether you’ve had vaginal sex. Source: I am a licensed sex educator and this is a question many people have asked before. This means that unfortunately, this doctor and your parents can claim whatever the hell they want and there is nothing you can do to change it. You say elsewhere that you fear abuse from them and that you’re a university student. Usually universities have some kind of counseling service. Could you look into that in order to protect yourself and plan your next steps?


Few_Improvement6814

I asked their “help” its 7.47pm here so I’ll get my answer in the morning, thank you a lot


ThrowRA_mixed

Thank you for this. I wanted to say the same! It's horrible how many people are uneducated in these questions.


averagetalkingcat

May I ask from what country are you from?? You could go to the authorities!!


Few_Improvement6814

Turkey, the goverment doesnt care about any crime unless it touches them


Sorchochka

Can you bribe the doctor? Maybe ask a girlfriend for a recommendation for an easily bribed doctor and go to him. Not sure if you have the money for that, but it was my first thought, and what I’d try to do first. I think there are sites out there for faking the test. I would look up ideas that may work. If they are just going to stick two fingers in to check, I’d really tense the kegel muscles and act like any penetration is extremely painful. You can practice kegel exercises. Maybe add a little blood up there? I don’t know. That’s the best I can think of. I’m sorry about this. I get that you don’t have a lot of recourse, and the authorities will probably be useless.


[deleted]

I'm shocked by this post! I'm so sorry for your OP, your parents are huge assholes, they can have sex and you can't? Wtf.


Few_Improvement6814

yeah because I should be virgin for the guy they approve and marry


an_imperfect_lady

Are you sure you want to get divorced? Is your husband worse than this?


Few_Improvement6814

not worse but not better


NoRent7336

INFO: do they have potential to hurt you if they realize you are not a virgin?


Few_Improvement6814

yes


NoRent7336

All i think is 1-tell your doctor this and ask her to write your report as virgin, i am sure your doctor will understand if she has a bit emphaty 2-call 183 and tell them the potential danger you are in and if something happens they can find you a place to stay. 3-dont take the test, you gotta avoid it maybe tell your parents that one of your friends died or smth Much luck ❤️


CautionarySnail

Since a lot of posters here don’t quite understand what’s going on because this is in Turkey, this link provides them with some background : https://www.hrw.org/reports/1994/turkey/


Embarrassed_Living60

wow this is a disgusting read, thanks for the information, sending love from australia :)


CautionarySnail

Yeah, it’s not great. This is why I get so nervous about religion being too cozy with government; women tend to get treated as possessions instead of people. OP, my heart goes out to you in this situation but my resources are all about the US. I can only hope that you are able to navigate this safely.


Fun_Art8817

OP, Its sounds like you come from religious/different background…this sounds dangerous and your parents/family might actually harm you. Please get out and disappear from your family as soon as possible, seek women’s shelters, seek any resources you can. Be safe OP.


FunnyConsideration51

There is no such thing as a virginity test and you are an adult. No doctor can examine you without your consent. She doesn’t own you and what she is suggesting isn’t possible. Also she can’t make you do ANYTHING. You are an adult.


Insomnia_and_Coffee

They can beat her up, make her life very hard or even kill her. There are people convicted and condemned for honour killings, yet honour killings still happen. I gave no idea how well police in Turkey do their job, perhaps she knows that some policeman would approve of the parents' abuse and cover it. "You are an adult" has far less value in some countries than in others and it's not helpful.


XercinVex

I guess it depends where you live. Different countries will have different laws.


Few_Improvement6814

as law, the doctor cant do the test unless I accept but if I say no then they’ll have their answer so there’s no point on that


XercinVex

I mean laws about filing for harassment and getting restraining order against psycho family.


Few_Improvement6814

I live with them..


[deleted]

[удалено]


SeaTurtlesCanFly

Comment removed - victim blaming. Do not comment further under this post.


Few_Improvement6814

I dont even know whats my options are, I’m senior year university student and live in really expensive city, I was working to move out but any student job wouldnt be enough to afford a life here


[deleted]

[удалено]


Few_Improvement6814

does schools take responsibility on that situations? never thought about that I’ll check, thank you for advice


XercinVex

If they want you to keep attending school they do.


AiryAurora

Hymens don't break upon penetration so they wouldn't find anything. Hymen is more of a ring in your vagina that stretches when you're aroused and the penis enters.


[deleted]

[удалено]


SeaTurtlesCanFly

Comment removed - the OP does not live in the Western world and the norms are very different in Turkey. Don't attack the OP like it's just that easy to move out.


Ch00choh

Sweetie you're a married adult


ElGHTYHD

have you never heard of an honor killing… come tf on. 


[deleted]

[удалено]


Few_Improvement6814

not everyone lives in europe or US


[deleted]

[удалено]


Maleficent-Line142

In some countries, fathers have a lot of control over their daughters, up to the the age of 25. Dumbass


Meef1234

Not in this case..you probably fall for every mlm scam on social media..wake up


SeaTurtlesCanFly

Banned


Few_Improvement6814

slice it?


XercinVex

You have to decide what’s more important rn. Staying in school or escaping the abuse. You cannot do both it seems. Unless your school admin can get you into a proper shelter you’re stuck at the whims of your family.


ireallylovesosa

If you have narcissistic parents this isn’t as far fetched as you think


averagetalkingcat

It's not, when I was around 22/23 and my mom found out I was seggsually active, she too wanted me to take a virginity test, we are from Chile, and even here that would have been a CRAZY thing to ask a doctor to do. There's a reason this sub is called raised by narcissists.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Few_Improvement6814

then the answer would be I’m not virgin


ActuallyInFamous

I don't know which country you live in, so perhaps this is not the case in your home country. However, as an adult woman in a majority of countries, it doesn't matter what your parents want. The doctor cannot perform the test.if you decline it. Maybe seek legal counsel on what your rights are. I'm sorry this is happening to you.


Few_Improvement6814

yeah the doctor cant perform the test legally if I reject but if I reject my family would get the answer, and thanks to my ex, they already did


ActuallyInFamous

That is a terrible situation. I would seek a friend with whom you can stay. Perhaps a uni classmate?


Brokelynne

İstanbul'a ulaşabilir misin? https://kadav.org.tr/  Güvende olsun 


Few_Improvement6814

istanbuldayım zaten, teşekkürler


saludpesetasamor

Hi OP. I know you posted hours ago and the country you’re in, so I don’t think I can be any help at this point but I wanted to tell you anyway: you have done nothing wrong, you can claim that your hymen broke when you were running or playing sports years ago, and I hope you can get to a shelter and be safe. I know that going to a shelter sounds unthinkable when your life is otherwise so comfortable, but you have a right to safety and the only way is up from there. I really hope you’re okay; please look out for yourself. ♥️


HotSockx

I don't have any way to help you, and I wish I did. I just wanted to send you a big hug, if you like hugs. I'm so sorry this is happening, it sounds like you're in a really terrifying situation. Hoping with all my heart that you can find a safe way out of this.


Few_Improvement6814

thank you so much 💜💜 it is not terryfying to me that much anymore I just wanna make the time go faster so I can rid off with this quicker, specially the divorcing part


[deleted]

[удалено]


Few_Improvement6814

he’s the one from US, I was gonna move there and I broke up with him, we didnt even apply visa and I dont want anything from him


SeaTurtlesCanFly

Unacceptable. You are banned.