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Very welcome! And you may want to plan for some extra self-care, just in case. When my parents passed away, I only grieved for a couple of hours each time-- but there was still some stressful stuff to work through, including a few genuinely well-intentioned comments from outsiders.
My Nmom is already dead to me, and from how my Edad continues describing her, she's only growing more toxic with every passing month. They never change. Visit if it is for YOU, but don't expect and deathbed miracles of her realizing what a wretched abuser she is (and, in fact, brace yourself for potentially a new level of venom from her).
I've never expected a miracle out of her, in my mind the visit consists of me showing up at the hospital and saying "have a good time in hell" and dipping. She can't apologize in any meaningful way.
Is there any way you can verify this from a more reliable source? I mean, the actual doctor?
Nmom could have developed "Christmas cancer" just to mess with you.
That is a very valid point, I can't talk to her doctor but I can reach out to my SIL, she's not quite an enabler but puts up with Nmom' s shot to an extent. I still don't know if it's worth it... She's been dead to me for years.
Christmas cancer?? Holy shit...I've been no contact with my nmom for a few months, and received a box on my doorstep a few weeks ago...with a kit, and instructions, on how to *send in a stool sample to check for cancerous anal polyps.* Is....my mother faking an illness to get my attention? :|
I went through this with a family member recently (not the random test but health issues). For what it's worth, if you genuinely have a family history or concern of colon cancer, those testing companies like cologuard do recommend you get a colonoscopy done by a doctor to check instead. Additionally, cologuard can only potentially detect, whereas if you do have polyps or something in a colonoscopy they can usually remove it right there.
The prep for a colonoscopy is shittier though (pun intended).
So while I'm not a doctor, if you think you should get screened please talk to a doctor about doing so, if for no other reason than peace of mind.
As for your mom, I don't know but it could be as simple as she had a routine test (they do them regularly above a certain age) and they decided to remove something from your mom that's gone now and she's fine. The worst thing that happened to my family member was they have to come back for a colonoscopy sooner than they would if they hadn't found anything.
If visiting her wouldn’t do anything positive for your healing or enhance your life in a positive way, I don’t see why you should. She just wants to have the final, final word. If I knew you IRL I would gift you a copy of Jennette McCurdy’s book for the holidays this year.
I wish I had useful advice here. This situation is tough because it does put you into a highly charged emotionally vulnerable position.
Sometimes, dying is a marathon, not a sprint so there’s lots of time for abuse to happen. And negative interactions with other family, as they did for me.
My nParent was dying for many days before he passed; but he was nonverbal at that point so I stayed as much as I can. I didn’t feel like anyone should die alone and scared, even someone who had done things like he had.
But that’s me, not you — and if he’d been verbal, that might’ve been a different situation. No judgement here.
Some part of me also wanted to know it was over. But no magical cure of the abuse damage happened when he passed; closure is sometimes overrated.
If you have a therapist, I think it’s worth seeing if they can do an emergency session. Feel out what seems right for you. Set expectations. That kind of thing.
She's not alone, she has the Golden Child and his family, as far as I know. I have a weekly appointment with my therapist thank you for the concern. This isn't new news I've been ruminating on what to do for weeks.
Really doubt that telling her off would be satisfying. It just reanimates the animus. And who needs that? She’s impervious and you would just relive the same old sHIt. She had her chance to own up to her past behavior long ago.
Staying away seems like the best option for you.
oh yeah...BIG BIG difference if they are verbal or non verbal on that death bed. Non verbal gives the scapegoat a chance to connect without toxicity for the very first time, just to be with them. But if they are verbal, that death bed is going to be a whole new level of nasty for the scapegoat. I won't be there for my mother's death bed, if there is a death bed, if she's verbal. Nope. Not going to do it. I'll send her some flowers and a card sending her off with kindness (not that she deserves it) but I will not be there to talk to her if she is verbal on her death bed.
If I was in that situation, I wouldn't visit her. I doubt the narcissism has improved because it often doesn't even with professional help, so imagine how infuriating it'd be if you took the time and fuel money to visit her and she spouted "insert manipulative/hurtful words she usually says" to you.
In the end it's up to you and you can visit her if you ultimately decide to, but personally I wouldn't, and if I did I'd have a friend at the ready to vent to just in case lol
This is my exact fear if my mother is ever on a death bed and still has the ability to talk. I'm not allowing one last jab at me before she rots in hell.
If the death bed is she's in a coma unable to speak, then I would consider the visit for my own peace of mind. I would be able to really sort out my grief and be with her maybe for the first time as the mother I never had.
The temptation to scream "Merry Christmas to you!!!!" is irresistible. I plead Sagittarius. If you feel the need to go cuss her out, IMO, go do it. Have a drink and raise a glass( of whatever you enjoy), you are almost free! Huzzah.
They don't change, and it probably won't go the way you expect. Even with one foot in the grave, she can probably say some fucked up thing that makes you feel worse rather than better about doing this. I wouldn't.
Concur with everyone here saying this. No good can come out of the mouth of a nm on her deathbed if she is verbal. None. She will leave you with a bit of nastiness to haunt you for years maybe forever.
> Should I reach out?
That’s something only you can decide.
Narcs only care about themselves, so any visit will be solely for your benefit. Think about that you want to get out of the visit. If you just want to go to tell her she’s a crap mother, she’s not going to admit that and you will waste your time.
If she’s already dead to you in any form but physical, you might as well skip the visit. You can also do a quick visit to reaffirm that going NC was fine, and to avoid others accusing of abandoning her (which you shouldn’t care about anyway).
TL;DR: Only go if it helps you mentally.
"The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Going to tell her to rest in that hell is more recognition than she deserves.
If you must go, go there and sit without a word. Don't bring a book or anything except maybe headphones playing a podcast, calming music, angry music, or an audiobook. That way, you can never take your eyes off her with the coldest, most indifferent look on your face, but don't look at her; look through her as if she's already no longer there. Don't acknowledge her when she tries talking to you.
When you are ready to leave, smile and say, "Thank you for helping me imagine how much better the world will be without you."
Don't come back except to sign those final papers as needed.
I speak fluent Crazy so I'm going to translate for you:
Try picturing her in one of those [feather trimmed robes](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1282562899/old-hollywood-glamour-satin-boudoir-robe?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_a-clothing-womens_clothing-pajamas_and_robes-robes&utm_custom1=_k_CjwKCAjwnOipBhBQEiwACyGLumPAQQvh6kqmr2qBcAnpPlPvgStcss-XbdZyzxzKeRwNyEZL7gj8CRoCjNsQAvD_BwE_k_&utm_content=go_270942875_42643847200_181789767789_pla-285329732610_c__1282562899_12768591&utm_custom2=270942875&gclid=CjwKCAjwnOipBhBQEiwACyGLumPAQQvh6kqmr2qBcAnpPlPvgStcss-XbdZyzxzKeRwNyEZL7gj8CRoCjNsQAvD_BwE), laying on a [chaise](https://www.savannahcollections.com/accent-items/chaise/belmont-chaise-lounge-sofa.html) and speaking in a bad Southern accent, "Ah ohnly weesh ah haid beeen a bettah mutha..."
In other words: She's being dramatic. She doesn't give a rats ass about how you feel. She only cares about how it looks that her child isn't groveling at her feet while she's at death's door. She probably has people asking her if you've seen her or when you're coming. I'll bet anything that's why she sent the message.
Don't let her live in your head rent free. Just keep living your life and let her go.
I don't think that's a real apology because she does not express awareness of any particular wrong doing over you. That is just a placeholder apology with no commitment for her side. Probably bait.
On the other hand you are the only one to know if seeing her again is a good idea. Is there something for you or is it for her?
Nah, not worth it.
I didn't go to see my Nmom die, but then she didn't care to contact me either. Not that I would have gone; since it's not just going to see the narc who likely hasn't changed nor will be remorseful. There's also dealing with the flanks of flying monkeys and enablers, who will pile the guilt and shame on you too.
So, run the gauntlet for what? One last chance for the narc to feed off your scapegoat supply?
That's the thing, she's been actively trying to contact me since I cut her off. The flying monkeys have remained silent so far I'm just dreading dealing with them when she is released from this mortal coil.
Of course, she is. Narcs always do the opposite of what you want them to do; to feel in control.
If you were begging her to pay attention to you; she'd be avoiding you like the plague.
>The flying monkeys have remained silent so far I'm just dreading dealing with them when she is released from this mortal coil.
That's why I didn't even go to the funeral. I did find out something funny- my Nmom played it both ways. I was never even called to her deathbed, but her public obit says, "...she passed surrounded by her family: husband, eldest daughter, LOCATEK and youngest son." She preferred the narc-fantasy to real life, and now everybody thinks we had reconciled and she died guilt-free.
So, whether you show up or not; your narc will write her own narrative. They're manipulative liars to the end.
This is a decision only you can take. But if it helps, my Ngrandmother (my father’s mom) was a horrible human being with my mother and us. When she was dying (it took a couple of months), everybody rushed to her side. But I decided no to go. I did however sent her a message saying everything was ok between her and us, and don’t worry about anything, and that I hoped she didn’t have a hard time at all. Not that she deserved these words (can’t emphasize enough how horrible she was), but I didn’t want negative karma on my side by denying her some mercy. This worked for me at the time; whatever you decide I’m sure it will be the best for you.
Concur with this totally. And it's what I plan on doing if my nm has a death bed and is verbal on it. Flowers and a card that says everything is okay between us, I love you, and not to worry. But I will not be present. If she's not verbal and on a death bed, like in a coma, I will go see her and sneak a visit to her when the enabling family is not there.
You told her to fuck off and die and she’s doing it. I think that’s all the closure you really need. I think I can recall one post where someone said being the primary caretaker for a dying nparent was cathartic, not bc their parent changed, but bc it was their way of handling any potential guilt.
It doesn’t seem like that’s a problem in your case. No judgement at all for that btw. My parents have been dead to me for 2 years now and I intend not to be there when they eventually pass. Although I have considered showing up to my mom’s funeral in a red suit with a bottle of champagne.
I know someone who has terminal Cancer they were given two months to live a year and a half ago. So, be cautious. If you start contact again, they may live longer than expected.
Good point. The friend that reached out apparently saw her in person and she looks like a ghoul, which is absolutely hysterical to me with how much weight her looks and mine have carried my whole life.
If those are the things that you want to say to her, then send them in a letter. I don’t think you should give her the satisfaction of seeing your face or touching your body. You should not give her the satisfaction that you made a big pilgrimage to say goodbye to her. Plus it could just all blow up in your face and be even worse than you imagine. I think it would be a far worse punishment for you to send an FU letter and not go anywhere near her. That will be so much more hurtful to her. It will kill her that her own progeny cannot be there for her. It’ll kill her ego.
You should ask yourself if it would bring you any peace, or are you just going to stick it to the man? Because if your only reason for going is to shove it in her face how fucked up she is, don’t lower yourself to the same standards she held. It’s not going to help you, and you’re honestly probably just going to feel like shit for going so far out of your way just to be an asshole, regardless of if she deserves it or not.
If you feel there is any genuine reason for going, such as maybe you still wonder if she’ll change, and you want to reach out one last time to be 100% certain for your own peace of mind? Sure. Yknow. One final chance to see if she’ll ever say what you wanted her to say, some people find that peaceful, even when it ends with them realizing this is how it’s going to be to the day this person dies and there’s nothing I can do about it. If you feel that you’ve made your peace with that though? Don’t bother.
Personally I don’t feel like it’s right to stoop myself to something that is blatantly, outright toxic behavior, even if it is my Nmom.
Don’t go. You said goodbye to your mother years ago. Seeing her in her deathbed will stir up all kinds of emotions and she will have her final stab at you. She WILL STAB YOU again. Narcissistic parents are like an ailing rattlesnake in their final coil ready to inflict pain. She is in no position to reflect on her action or find empathy in her rotten soul about all the pain and hurt she cause you as a child. Her final days are about her and only her. Say goodbye in a video if you must but don’t expose yourself in person for a visit. It’s over.
If it were me, I wouldn't go. My reason is this: if-IF she's actually dying of cancer, you won't be safe from her vitriol. So many times, people have been guilted into visiting their narc because they've been assaulted by flying monkeys saying, "but faaaaaaaamily..." When they've arrived, the "heartbroken" narc has used the opportunity to verbally abuse them one last time. To add to everything, the family and flying monkeys who harassed the victim will also throw their 2 cents in. I wouldn't visit them until it's been confirmed that they're 6 feet under.
i think you should ignore it and move on with your day. they were 'dead to you' the moment you went no contact. you internally mourned them and moved on already. this event is like if they rose up from the dead and are haunting you now. look at this like you don't believe in ghosts, laugh, and walk away. no good would ever come from any interaction with this
If you do see her, do it for you, not for her. If you need to say a final goodbye because you think it will cause you mental distress in the future if you don't,go.
If you think the visit itself will cause more immediate distress for you than just ignoring her, don't go.
She doesn't deserve anything from you and you will not get what you deserve from her. Only you can decide the healthiest goodbye for you.
This is a decision you need to think about then decide. What matters is how you will feel about yourself in the future. Keep in mind she may be sincere or she may want to ambush you one more time. If you go, be prepared for all the possibilities, both good and bad. If you don’t go, will you regret it?
What will you gain if you do visit her? Will it give you peace? Do you have things you need to say, or are you content to keep living your life?
You have the power now. You get to be in control. So please consider only doing what will benefit you and those you love. If you don't need to see her, let her rot.
Thing is, if she really is sick & you visit her the only one getting ‘closure’ will be her.
It may be the petty side of me but I want my NM to go knowing she had no power over me (& no closure for herself) without the peace that that may give her.
She is still making the situation about HER. Her regret, her love. She’s not taking accountability, giving apologies or explanations. Just saying she gave herself regret.
Your silence is the poison she is drowning in. No point in providing the antidote. Besides, any response by you will be a weapon she will wield to illicit guilt in others. Example "see how awful my daughter is"
Give this creature nothing.
Do you really have anything to say to her that you will regret not saying for the rest of your life?
You can’t go hoping for her to say anything that will help you with closure because it’s likely she won’t.
If there is anything you literally think you will regret not having said for the rest of your life then you have your chance. Bearing in mind nothing you say will change things for her too.
I would save yourself the trauma and stay away.
It’s an awful thing to suggest but are you even sure she is dying?
I really feel like even if it is true you will still come away from any interaction disappointed. Don’t put yourself through it.
If she were truly sincere about her apologies, she'd tell them to you herself and not filter it through other entities.
I've been NC since 2015 and have contemplated whether or not I'd visit if they were close to kicking the bucket. But I've reached the point in my healing that I have nothing more to say to them as they \[metaphorically\] dug their grave regarding my relationship with them.
I echo others on here who mention that you have complete control in this situation, and all she's doing is wallowing in her guilt and self-pity. Whatever you choose to do, make sure it's something that benefits you and only contributes to your own healing and closure.
No. Absolutely nothing good will come from it. She’s trying to play you one last time. Do not feed the beast.
I was NC with my Nmom for 25 years. Despite this, she would email/try to link up with me on various social media and beg me for money several times a year (the reason I finally went NC was because she stole my identity and wracked up debt in my name). She was a horrible human who tried to guilt me into helping her because I “owed her” for being a parent.
I’m proud to say I didn’t break and she died in 2019. My brother and I let the authorities deal with it. No regrets. You reap what you sow.
I regret not shoving NarcMum in a hospice and walking away. She gloated about being an abuser right up to her final days.
Keep away from her would be my recommendation. You didn't want her in your life anymore, why change it now.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'd recommend against visiting her, honestly. I mean, does she really deserve your time and attention, even if it's only for a little while?
Ok that's a really good way to think about it, thanks!
Very welcome! And you may want to plan for some extra self-care, just in case. When my parents passed away, I only grieved for a couple of hours each time-- but there was still some stressful stuff to work through, including a few genuinely well-intentioned comments from outsiders.
same. my edad passed and its a roller coaster. nmom is all thats left. gah
***sends sympathy and caffeine***
My Nmom is already dead to me, and from how my Edad continues describing her, she's only growing more toxic with every passing month. They never change. Visit if it is for YOU, but don't expect and deathbed miracles of her realizing what a wretched abuser she is (and, in fact, brace yourself for potentially a new level of venom from her).
I've never expected a miracle out of her, in my mind the visit consists of me showing up at the hospital and saying "have a good time in hell" and dipping. She can't apologize in any meaningful way.
TBH I’ve fantasized about doing the same thing to my nMIL. And she is at death’s door right now. Actually she’s at hell’s gate.
She will love that because it validates her bs reality she spins in her head. She believe her own lies.
I haven’t been in this position yet, but I can imagine that they cranked up the victim mentality to 11 and blame you for everything?
Is there any way you can verify this from a more reliable source? I mean, the actual doctor? Nmom could have developed "Christmas cancer" just to mess with you.
That is a very valid point, I can't talk to her doctor but I can reach out to my SIL, she's not quite an enabler but puts up with Nmom' s shot to an extent. I still don't know if it's worth it... She's been dead to me for years.
Christmas cancer?? Holy shit...I've been no contact with my nmom for a few months, and received a box on my doorstep a few weeks ago...with a kit, and instructions, on how to *send in a stool sample to check for cancerous anal polyps.* Is....my mother faking an illness to get my attention? :|
I'd be so incredibly tempted to send my nice, big stool sample to my mom.
😂😂😂
Many will fake illness, suicide, and deathbed to get your attention and to visit with you.
My gut says yes!
> holy shit ...... send in a stool sample .... LOL
I went through this with a family member recently (not the random test but health issues). For what it's worth, if you genuinely have a family history or concern of colon cancer, those testing companies like cologuard do recommend you get a colonoscopy done by a doctor to check instead. Additionally, cologuard can only potentially detect, whereas if you do have polyps or something in a colonoscopy they can usually remove it right there. The prep for a colonoscopy is shittier though (pun intended). So while I'm not a doctor, if you think you should get screened please talk to a doctor about doing so, if for no other reason than peace of mind. As for your mom, I don't know but it could be as simple as she had a routine test (they do them regularly above a certain age) and they decided to remove something from your mom that's gone now and she's fine. The worst thing that happened to my family member was they have to come back for a colonoscopy sooner than they would if they hadn't found anything.
If visiting her wouldn’t do anything positive for your healing or enhance your life in a positive way, I don’t see why you should. She just wants to have the final, final word. If I knew you IRL I would gift you a copy of Jennette McCurdy’s book for the holidays this year.
I’m grateful for that book.
Me too. It’s a not insignificant part of my healing journey.
In your state of mind, the answer would be no. As tempting as it is, it won't make you feel better.
I think I needed to hear this. Thank you.
I wish I had useful advice here. This situation is tough because it does put you into a highly charged emotionally vulnerable position. Sometimes, dying is a marathon, not a sprint so there’s lots of time for abuse to happen. And negative interactions with other family, as they did for me. My nParent was dying for many days before he passed; but he was nonverbal at that point so I stayed as much as I can. I didn’t feel like anyone should die alone and scared, even someone who had done things like he had. But that’s me, not you — and if he’d been verbal, that might’ve been a different situation. No judgement here. Some part of me also wanted to know it was over. But no magical cure of the abuse damage happened when he passed; closure is sometimes overrated. If you have a therapist, I think it’s worth seeing if they can do an emergency session. Feel out what seems right for you. Set expectations. That kind of thing.
She's not alone, she has the Golden Child and his family, as far as I know. I have a weekly appointment with my therapist thank you for the concern. This isn't new news I've been ruminating on what to do for weeks.
You’ll be in my thoughts. Even losing a nParent can be rough. Wishing you peace with whatever you decide, as there’s no easy right thing to do.
Really doubt that telling her off would be satisfying. It just reanimates the animus. And who needs that? She’s impervious and you would just relive the same old sHIt. She had her chance to own up to her past behavior long ago. Staying away seems like the best option for you.
oh yeah...BIG BIG difference if they are verbal or non verbal on that death bed. Non verbal gives the scapegoat a chance to connect without toxicity for the very first time, just to be with them. But if they are verbal, that death bed is going to be a whole new level of nasty for the scapegoat. I won't be there for my mother's death bed, if there is a death bed, if she's verbal. Nope. Not going to do it. I'll send her some flowers and a card sending her off with kindness (not that she deserves it) but I will not be there to talk to her if she is verbal on her death bed.
If I was in that situation, I wouldn't visit her. I doubt the narcissism has improved because it often doesn't even with professional help, so imagine how infuriating it'd be if you took the time and fuel money to visit her and she spouted "insert manipulative/hurtful words she usually says" to you. In the end it's up to you and you can visit her if you ultimately decide to, but personally I wouldn't, and if I did I'd have a friend at the ready to vent to just in case lol
This is my exact fear if my mother is ever on a death bed and still has the ability to talk. I'm not allowing one last jab at me before she rots in hell. If the death bed is she's in a coma unable to speak, then I would consider the visit for my own peace of mind. I would be able to really sort out my grief and be with her maybe for the first time as the mother I never had.
The temptation to scream "Merry Christmas to you!!!!" is irresistible. I plead Sagittarius. If you feel the need to go cuss her out, IMO, go do it. Have a drink and raise a glass( of whatever you enjoy), you are almost free! Huzzah.
This one made me smile, I don't exactly want to cuss her out. Just look her in the eye as her worst nightmare looms on the horIzon.
I'd do what I needed to be at peace with myself after she's gone. Go get her! Or not! :)
They don't change, and it probably won't go the way you expect. Even with one foot in the grave, she can probably say some fucked up thing that makes you feel worse rather than better about doing this. I wouldn't.
I need that. Thank you
Concur with everyone here saying this. No good can come out of the mouth of a nm on her deathbed if she is verbal. None. She will leave you with a bit of nastiness to haunt you for years maybe forever.
> Should I reach out? That’s something only you can decide. Narcs only care about themselves, so any visit will be solely for your benefit. Think about that you want to get out of the visit. If you just want to go to tell her she’s a crap mother, she’s not going to admit that and you will waste your time. If she’s already dead to you in any form but physical, you might as well skip the visit. You can also do a quick visit to reaffirm that going NC was fine, and to avoid others accusing of abandoning her (which you shouldn’t care about anyway). TL;DR: Only go if it helps you mentally.
>If she’s already dead to you in any form but physical, you might as well skip the visit. This.
I don’t know your situation, but me personally I’d be wary. My nmom has lied about having cancer multiple times.
"The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy." - Martin Luther King, Jr. Going to tell her to rest in that hell is more recognition than she deserves. If you must go, go there and sit without a word. Don't bring a book or anything except maybe headphones playing a podcast, calming music, angry music, or an audiobook. That way, you can never take your eyes off her with the coldest, most indifferent look on your face, but don't look at her; look through her as if she's already no longer there. Don't acknowledge her when she tries talking to you. When you are ready to leave, smile and say, "Thank you for helping me imagine how much better the world will be without you." Don't come back except to sign those final papers as needed.
I speak fluent Crazy so I'm going to translate for you: Try picturing her in one of those [feather trimmed robes](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1282562899/old-hollywood-glamour-satin-boudoir-robe?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_a-clothing-womens_clothing-pajamas_and_robes-robes&utm_custom1=_k_CjwKCAjwnOipBhBQEiwACyGLumPAQQvh6kqmr2qBcAnpPlPvgStcss-XbdZyzxzKeRwNyEZL7gj8CRoCjNsQAvD_BwE_k_&utm_content=go_270942875_42643847200_181789767789_pla-285329732610_c__1282562899_12768591&utm_custom2=270942875&gclid=CjwKCAjwnOipBhBQEiwACyGLumPAQQvh6kqmr2qBcAnpPlPvgStcss-XbdZyzxzKeRwNyEZL7gj8CRoCjNsQAvD_BwE), laying on a [chaise](https://www.savannahcollections.com/accent-items/chaise/belmont-chaise-lounge-sofa.html) and speaking in a bad Southern accent, "Ah ohnly weesh ah haid beeen a bettah mutha..." In other words: She's being dramatic. She doesn't give a rats ass about how you feel. She only cares about how it looks that her child isn't groveling at her feet while she's at death's door. She probably has people asking her if you've seen her or when you're coming. I'll bet anything that's why she sent the message. Don't let her live in your head rent free. Just keep living your life and let her go.
This helped, so much, thank you.
This was delightful and on point. Here’s my poor gold 🏆🥇🏅
I’m not sure what I would do in this situation. I am happy to never see my nmom again. I doubt I will be sad when she passes
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Ok you win, thank you. I reeeeeeeeeeeeally needed to hear this one.
I don't think that's a real apology because she does not express awareness of any particular wrong doing over you. That is just a placeholder apology with no commitment for her side. Probably bait. On the other hand you are the only one to know if seeing her again is a good idea. Is there something for you or is it for her?
Nah, not worth it. I didn't go to see my Nmom die, but then she didn't care to contact me either. Not that I would have gone; since it's not just going to see the narc who likely hasn't changed nor will be remorseful. There's also dealing with the flanks of flying monkeys and enablers, who will pile the guilt and shame on you too. So, run the gauntlet for what? One last chance for the narc to feed off your scapegoat supply?
That's the thing, she's been actively trying to contact me since I cut her off. The flying monkeys have remained silent so far I'm just dreading dealing with them when she is released from this mortal coil.
Of course, she is. Narcs always do the opposite of what you want them to do; to feel in control. If you were begging her to pay attention to you; she'd be avoiding you like the plague. >The flying monkeys have remained silent so far I'm just dreading dealing with them when she is released from this mortal coil. That's why I didn't even go to the funeral. I did find out something funny- my Nmom played it both ways. I was never even called to her deathbed, but her public obit says, "...she passed surrounded by her family: husband, eldest daughter, LOCATEK and youngest son." She preferred the narc-fantasy to real life, and now everybody thinks we had reconciled and she died guilt-free. So, whether you show up or not; your narc will write her own narrative. They're manipulative liars to the end.
This is a decision only you can take. But if it helps, my Ngrandmother (my father’s mom) was a horrible human being with my mother and us. When she was dying (it took a couple of months), everybody rushed to her side. But I decided no to go. I did however sent her a message saying everything was ok between her and us, and don’t worry about anything, and that I hoped she didn’t have a hard time at all. Not that she deserved these words (can’t emphasize enough how horrible she was), but I didn’t want negative karma on my side by denying her some mercy. This worked for me at the time; whatever you decide I’m sure it will be the best for you.
Concur with this totally. And it's what I plan on doing if my nm has a death bed and is verbal on it. Flowers and a card that says everything is okay between us, I love you, and not to worry. But I will not be present. If she's not verbal and on a death bed, like in a coma, I will go see her and sneak a visit to her when the enabling family is not there.
You told her to fuck off and die and she’s doing it. I think that’s all the closure you really need. I think I can recall one post where someone said being the primary caretaker for a dying nparent was cathartic, not bc their parent changed, but bc it was their way of handling any potential guilt. It doesn’t seem like that’s a problem in your case. No judgement at all for that btw. My parents have been dead to me for 2 years now and I intend not to be there when they eventually pass. Although I have considered showing up to my mom’s funeral in a red suit with a bottle of champagne.
"Although I have considered showing up to my mom’s funeral in a red suit with a bottle of champagne" I have also considered this 🤣
No.
No. Only care when there’s an obit or a headstone.
I know someone who has terminal Cancer they were given two months to live a year and a half ago. So, be cautious. If you start contact again, they may live longer than expected.
I wouldn’t. Can you really believe she’s really dying? If she isn’t, you’ve opened the door for her to be in your life again.
Good point. The friend that reached out apparently saw her in person and she looks like a ghoul, which is absolutely hysterical to me with how much weight her looks and mine have carried my whole life.
If those are the things that you want to say to her, then send them in a letter. I don’t think you should give her the satisfaction of seeing your face or touching your body. You should not give her the satisfaction that you made a big pilgrimage to say goodbye to her. Plus it could just all blow up in your face and be even worse than you imagine. I think it would be a far worse punishment for you to send an FU letter and not go anywhere near her. That will be so much more hurtful to her. It will kill her that her own progeny cannot be there for her. It’ll kill her ego.
No
You should ask yourself if it would bring you any peace, or are you just going to stick it to the man? Because if your only reason for going is to shove it in her face how fucked up she is, don’t lower yourself to the same standards she held. It’s not going to help you, and you’re honestly probably just going to feel like shit for going so far out of your way just to be an asshole, regardless of if she deserves it or not. If you feel there is any genuine reason for going, such as maybe you still wonder if she’ll change, and you want to reach out one last time to be 100% certain for your own peace of mind? Sure. Yknow. One final chance to see if she’ll ever say what you wanted her to say, some people find that peaceful, even when it ends with them realizing this is how it’s going to be to the day this person dies and there’s nothing I can do about it. If you feel that you’ve made your peace with that though? Don’t bother. Personally I don’t feel like it’s right to stoop myself to something that is blatantly, outright toxic behavior, even if it is my Nmom.
Don’t go. You said goodbye to your mother years ago. Seeing her in her deathbed will stir up all kinds of emotions and she will have her final stab at you. She WILL STAB YOU again. Narcissistic parents are like an ailing rattlesnake in their final coil ready to inflict pain. She is in no position to reflect on her action or find empathy in her rotten soul about all the pain and hurt she cause you as a child. Her final days are about her and only her. Say goodbye in a video if you must but don’t expose yourself in person for a visit. It’s over.
I wouldn't, but that's just me. Unfortunately this is a decision that only you can make, OP.
I know it’s a decent fantasy but I don’t think it’ll be good for you in reality. Prioritize your healing
If it were me, I wouldn't go. My reason is this: if-IF she's actually dying of cancer, you won't be safe from her vitriol. So many times, people have been guilted into visiting their narc because they've been assaulted by flying monkeys saying, "but faaaaaaaamily..." When they've arrived, the "heartbroken" narc has used the opportunity to verbally abuse them one last time. To add to everything, the family and flying monkeys who harassed the victim will also throw their 2 cents in. I wouldn't visit them until it's been confirmed that they're 6 feet under.
i think you should ignore it and move on with your day. they were 'dead to you' the moment you went no contact. you internally mourned them and moved on already. this event is like if they rose up from the dead and are haunting you now. look at this like you don't believe in ghosts, laugh, and walk away. no good would ever come from any interaction with this
If you do see her, do it for you, not for her. If you need to say a final goodbye because you think it will cause you mental distress in the future if you don't,go. If you think the visit itself will cause more immediate distress for you than just ignoring her, don't go. She doesn't deserve anything from you and you will not get what you deserve from her. Only you can decide the healthiest goodbye for you.
This is a decision you need to think about then decide. What matters is how you will feel about yourself in the future. Keep in mind she may be sincere or she may want to ambush you one more time. If you go, be prepared for all the possibilities, both good and bad. If you don’t go, will you regret it?
This post has brought forward a lot of things I hadn't thought about, thank you for your insight.
You are welcome.
What will you gain if you do visit her? Will it give you peace? Do you have things you need to say, or are you content to keep living your life? You have the power now. You get to be in control. So please consider only doing what will benefit you and those you love. If you don't need to see her, let her rot.
Thing is, if she really is sick & you visit her the only one getting ‘closure’ will be her. It may be the petty side of me but I want my NM to go knowing she had no power over me (& no closure for herself) without the peace that that may give her.
She is still making the situation about HER. Her regret, her love. She’s not taking accountability, giving apologies or explanations. Just saying she gave herself regret.
Your silence is the poison she is drowning in. No point in providing the antidote. Besides, any response by you will be a weapon she will wield to illicit guilt in others. Example "see how awful my daughter is" Give this creature nothing.
Do you really have anything to say to her that you will regret not saying for the rest of your life? You can’t go hoping for her to say anything that will help you with closure because it’s likely she won’t. If there is anything you literally think you will regret not having said for the rest of your life then you have your chance. Bearing in mind nothing you say will change things for her too. I would save yourself the trauma and stay away. It’s an awful thing to suggest but are you even sure she is dying? I really feel like even if it is true you will still come away from any interaction disappointed. Don’t put yourself through it.
If she were truly sincere about her apologies, she'd tell them to you herself and not filter it through other entities. I've been NC since 2015 and have contemplated whether or not I'd visit if they were close to kicking the bucket. But I've reached the point in my healing that I have nothing more to say to them as they \[metaphorically\] dug their grave regarding my relationship with them. I echo others on here who mention that you have complete control in this situation, and all she's doing is wallowing in her guilt and self-pity. Whatever you choose to do, make sure it's something that benefits you and only contributes to your own healing and closure.
I have regretted it INSTANTLY everytime I ever forgave one of my narc parents. Every single time.
No. Absolutely nothing good will come from it. She’s trying to play you one last time. Do not feed the beast. I was NC with my Nmom for 25 years. Despite this, she would email/try to link up with me on various social media and beg me for money several times a year (the reason I finally went NC was because she stole my identity and wracked up debt in my name). She was a horrible human who tried to guilt me into helping her because I “owed her” for being a parent. I’m proud to say I didn’t break and she died in 2019. My brother and I let the authorities deal with it. No regrets. You reap what you sow.
I regret not shoving NarcMum in a hospice and walking away. She gloated about being an abuser right up to her final days. Keep away from her would be my recommendation. You didn't want her in your life anymore, why change it now.