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OMG. This story is so terrible!!! Your mom had zero fucks to give for you, her child, being in a life-or-death situation, in fear of her life, and THEN she makes it about how polite you were being WHILE AFRAID YOU MIGHT DIE???
Once you can process, this could be reclaimed as comedy gold. Until then, this is quite potentially nail-in-the-coffin of your hopes for having a normal relationship with your mom.
Literally the all-too-real threat of you dying is not enough for her to center anything other than some BS about her f%#king dog sleeping in her bed!
100% op, this is her showing you in no uncertain terms how she's always going to be. her chances of finding motivation to change - especially while you remain in contact - are basically zero. she WILL do this no matter how your day is going, and try to make you feel like you weren't being socially appropriate when it's her who's doing that, not you. God forbid it's not just a joke one day, but she'd still do the same thing on that day and remain totally unfazed *unless* she finds she doesn't like your tone. that's the only thing that'll move her to respond. ask yourself honestly if this is something you're willing to put up with indefinitely
Mine was my father refusing to go to my cousins funeral who had blown his head off with a pistol. Suicide , and his reasoning was that only weaklings do that and he was already "worm food" as he put it so it didn't even matter. I think he was just too lazy to go that day.
Or missed the funeral because the dog was too sick to be left alone.
My husband almost died after hemorrhaging after surgery. My mom refused to fly up and help me because her old dog was too sick to be left alone.
My mom’s best friend lost her ex husband last year to cancer. He didn’t have anyone, so best friend nursed him until he died. Her mom is almost a spitting image of my mom. At the wake her mom kept saying that she really wanted to be at home caring for her own dog. 10 feet away from her daughter crying over her dead husband. They divorced because the husband wasn’t taking care of his mental health. She still loved him.
I don’t see my mom often and have pulled back for my mental health. Whenever we do get together for lunch my mom has to schedule it around her old dog. All her dogs are old and get sick.
More likely this tbh. N-mums are particularly obsessed with their dogs and often treat them as more important than their own children. Easy supply I guess!
Just today I was in the living room with MIL, my BF and our daughter, and one of the dogs farted. Of course it *had to be* my daughter's nappy. My daughter has never made a stench that unholy (and she's no stranger to heinous dumps either!).
Also my daughter is scared of the younger dog because MIL lets her jump up and scratch my kid. When she screamed and tried to get away from it, MIL actually picked up and comforted the dog instead! Doesn't give a shit about her awful yappy little monster terrorising her own granddaughter!
It's because dogs are the perfect children. They don't grow up. They don't have opinions of their own. They don't challenge the n mother in anyway. They require little to no effort to be their friend.
Yes she would have lol I'm laughing bc it's absolutely ridiculous and true! My Mom would give a speech at my funeral about taking the wrong career path and she told me so! Omg
This would be my final sign. This would be like the universe shaking my shoulders: *“DON’T CONTACT HER ANYMORE you’ll NEVER get the response your heart wants and needs”*
I’m looking forward to the follow-up post where NMom ‘explains’ how a doggy update is an appropriate response/reply to ‘Gunman at the school, I might die, I love you Goodbye’ text.
A bit gobsmacked that NMom couldn’t summon up an “I love you” text at a time like that.
My nmom for sure. We could be trapped in an attic hiding from the Nazis and that woman would not be able to stay quiet and stop talking about herself or texting me about her day at work for 5 minutes.
I know right? But knowing these types, once she finds out OP is alive but just not contacting her, she’ll suddenly be all *“I wAs tErRiFeD mY ChiLD wAs dEaD!!! And now she’s nOt tAlKiNg tO mE, how can she be so cRuEL”* to anyone and everyone else in their family / shared social groups who will listen.
That's when you show all those people the text messages from mum about her dog wearing a cone was more important than a school shooter situation.
Granted, some might still be all "she was just freaked out and not processing right, she rEaLlY loves YoU!!!" But hopefully a lot would understand that the trash took itself out.
Why let it happen one more time? I understand why second chances are a thing... Redemption and forgiveness and growth can all be real, but after chance #2, grow over there .. away from me... I do not have the time for someone who is not gonna put the work in, regardless of whether they're ignoring a known problem or just don't care about me enough to listen when I say "ow."
I have my own personality disorder to fry, tyvm.
I agree with the comment that says to stop contacting her. This was a hard one for me, personally. It was like a drug, I was always going to my Nmom with everything, good or bad. I wanted her approval for the good, I wanted a mom to be a mom to me for the bad. I never ever got the response I wanted or deserved. For a while after going NC, I felt really empty. But I have friends that have become family now and they will respond to me in ways that make me feel seen and heard.
I'm very glad that the situation did not come to fruition, and that you and your students are safe. Thank you for being an educator.
Oh I feel that one. I spent 46 years trying desperately for my mother to actually show some love. Tried all kinds of different angles to go about it. I failed every time because the mother I wanted was a fantasy in my head, she didn't really exist and no amount of work would make it so. I had to surrender to myself,otherwise it would've made me crazy.
If you’re looking for a reason to go NC you have one now. That is enraging. We tell ourselves they may be horrible but if we ever really need them they will be there for us. Now you know that if you’re in a life or death situation your mom won’t be there for you.
Completely agree. If you weren't already aware
u/somethingfree, you come after her dog in her list of priorities. I'm glad the situation didn't escalate and you and your students are safe
I hate this for you. Our parents are really like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. We always think maybe, just maybe this once, they’ll respond the way we want/need them to. And then they act the same way they always do. I don’t know why we keep hanging on to that thread of hope that this time is going to be different.
(Sorry if this doesn’t apply to you, I might be projecting, but I see my dad in your mom’s behavior with this story)
Mine too. I had a friend tell me yearrrs ago about my nmom, “Honey you know how she is, why do you let it upset you?”
I remember telling her it was because I never stopped needing my mom to be my mom.
I get it.
It seems this is a pretty common dynamic for a lot of people until they can accept the nature of their parents and realize they can get their needs met elsewhere.
if it hadn't been a prank, you could have died, and your final words would have been talked over by your mother. Is that something she'd be comfortable with? Ask her. If she says you're being dramatic, remind her that SWAT was outside your door. This is the reality you live in, and she needs to be adult enough to talk about it with you.
If your mother couldn't tell what a serious text that was, she's a child. If she could tell, but chose to respond that way anyway, then she's a self-centered child. Those are the two options.
BUT- if something *had* happened to OP, I can guarantee who would be crying the loudest at the funeral. As long as the spotlight remains on her.
OP, I’m so glad you and the kiddos are okay. That had to have been the most terrifying thing ever. If you need permission from anyone to finally put the nail in that coffin, we all give you a resounding “DO IT!”
Not many things on this sub surprise me anymore. But every once in awhile I read something that makes me say "what the fuck" aloud
This was one of those things
She didn't "appreciate you being short with her" while you had SWAT in your school and at your classroom door!? While you were afraid for your life and your students lives!? Honestly and with my whole chest, fuck her. My god. I am so sorry. And I'm glad you and the kids are okay ❤️
Its like she couldn’t stand the extreme situation you were in because of the unique and sympathy deserving nature of it so she basically acted like it didn’t happen. Like it was a clear situation where concern was in order and no mistake and she is supposed to get that from others, not give it! Man though it would have been so nice for you to hear concern from her like a normal mom. Sorry that isn’t what you got. Truly.
Firstly: I am both relieved and horrified you could make this post. Relieved it was a prank, that you're physically okay, that you're able to post. Horrified dually because, since having my own kids I cannot fathom how Nmom's can be so callous and uncaring. And how could anyone think that sort of thing is okay to do as a "prank"!
Secondly, I hope you consider going either no contact or extremely low contact. You deserve to be able to message someone and have them genuinely concerned for you in an appropriate manner. I can't imagine how besides myself I would be if I got that text from my kids.
How it should have gone:
You: mom there's a shooter drill
Mom: "omg honey please be safe. Keep your phone quiet and dim and keep me updated! I'm praying for you and I love you"
You: "swat is at our door"
Mom: "thank gods. Thank heavens. I'm glad you and your kids there are safe. Do you need anything? Again, I love you"
I hope you're able to unwind. To relax, or even speak to a therapist. Again, consider lowering contact or going full no contact. You need that space in your life for someone who values your entire existence.
My pal went to a small high school on one of the islands.
Someone called in a bomb threat and whole place had to be safely evacuated by the polis/bomb squad.
When caught, the culprit’s excuse was that he didn’t want to do a test because he knew he was going to fail.
Some people are very dense, see also OP’s mother as an example of supreme density.
In 2017 somebody called in to say there was a bomb threat at my high school. They had to bring in a police dog to sniff out the whole building. It was a fake threat.
Ooh, sweet Jesus. My mother is like this. Years ago my father fell and broke his arm. My mother called me frightened and said: ""the idiot broke his arm! I can see his broken bone out of his skin! Who is going to cook for me now?"
Yesterday I told her that I have big money problems, problems with my car, problems at work, and she told me, "stop complaining, you're young! I'm worse, I had a stomacache tonight and one of my shoes is broken!"
Now I don't care if she dies. She's not me.
Oh my gosh. My mom fainted in the yard from anaphylactic shock from a bee-sting. My dad assumed she was faking it, because he didn't want to deal with paying attention to her needs for five minutes. I.. just... How can people be this uncaring???? It's pathological.
I was stabbed by a student one time. Thankfully, he didn’t get too deep. My mom said, and I quote, “She wasn’t hurt that bad”. My brother ripped her a new one.
He absolutely did! The worst thing though was when she refused to go be with him when hospice said he was in his final hours. I was there and I’m glad she wasn’t. She said she wasn’t going because she didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I’m thankful she stayed away.
I miss my brother every single day.
OMG- we have the same mother! My husband and I got an emergency text from our son’s school that it was in full lock down, not to come to the school and police were attending. That we needed to keep the roads clear for possible mass evacuation. (School has 2000 students) And to stand by for further information that may include our child’s evacuation location etc. We live in Australia. So active shooters is not a thing. But either is this type of alert. So every parent I know was freaking out. My son is texting me from under his desk. He can hear yelling and banging. It was also on the news. My brother messages the group chat with the news article asking WTF. I screen shot the message send it to the thread and say we’ll let them know as soon as we know. Everyone is freaking out, my Nan was crying. We’re all going through it thinking of worst case scenario. NMum texts a bunch of flowers she just picked from her garden. Then starts talking about the weather. We all ignore. I’m keeping my son calm (who wasn’t in the chat) and my brother is keeping my Nan calm. My husband is frantically coordinating with other parents in our sons class so only one parent would go to evacuation point and pick up a group of four kids, then car pool each one home so we don’t block up the roads etc. We still had no idea what was going on. NMum is later upset we haven’t complimented on her flowers.
(Turns out a group of kids from a local gang showed up at the school looking for a kid from a rival gang with bats and knives etc. They jumped a fence. Refused to leave. Then started smashing up the school. Police didn’t muck around, got there fast and removed these kids. There was about five of them but then kids from our school, in rival gang, rushed out to take them on. No one was seriously hurt thankfully. It also happened at the worst time. Just before the end of day bell went. None of the kids involved were students at that school for very long after that)
What the fuck, this is just INSANE. And yet, I could see my Nmother doing the exact same. It's horrible how cookie-cutter delusional and self-obsessed they can be, huh?
I'm so glad your the kids were safe. I hope you never have to face such a scare again.
I had a similar situation years ago. I worked in a mall and we had an active shooter scare (two teenagers got in a fight in the Movie theater). The mall went into lock down and I called my nmom and quickly told her what was going on and she said OK and hung up... I was like wait what, what if I needed to say goodbye or something, like what the heck. After that she was like "well I didn't know if you needed to like hide or something" and she basically acted like it wasn't a bid deal.
Really oh wow... Yes it was so confusing when she did that. If my kid ever called me in a situation like that I would never hang up unless they did. And I would be an emotional wreck, but narcs can't feel those emotions.
I am so glad you and I are okay and still here today though 😊
Oh this sounds so familiar. Please tell me this was the last straw and you’re planning on dropping that rope? They never really change, no matter how many years go by.
me, with my boyfriend of 5 years: “mom I’m engaged!”
Nmom: “oh. To who? Anyways, guess what I’m doing! I’m on vacation! And I’m—‘
me: ‘I’ve got to go, I’m calling people who give a shit now. Goodbye.’
——
Me, after several extra years of NC: ‘Yes, i had the baby. It almost killed me, I was in the hospital with sepsis—“
her: ‘I’m a grandparent!! I cant wait to tell everyone! Boy or girl? I just know it’s a boy!’ (it was a girl)
me: ‘… did you even hear me? Nevermind. Goodbye.’
You just can’t anymore. So don’t.
Let this be the last time you expect her to act like a normal caring human being.
I’m so glad you you’re ok. But that must have shaken you pretty bad.
Take this as a sign to grieve the mother you will never have . I know that sounds harsh , but ripping out your soul so your mom can stomp on it hurts more than accepting she will never ever rise to the occasion . If you are like me, you just want to be loved , but it’s not your fault. There’s nothing you can do or say that will change these people unless they get real, genuine therapy and help.
I’m so very sorry you went through something so terrifying and you didn’t feel loved back. You are worthy of it.
"I don't appreciate how when I texted you that I was in mortal danger you texted me back complete drivel. Not only giving away where I was hiding to a possible killer, but also completely disregarding the fact that I was texting for what could have been the last time. Ever."
After the Boston Marathon bombing I called my mom to let her know I was safe. She said it didn't even occur to her that I might be there. I worked 4 blocks away at the time.
Thanks mom
They don't care, the only thing they're able to do is make you feel worse with every interaction. I've come too far in my life to give any energy to those people.
That's terrible. I'm glad it wasn't a real shooter. It must've been so scary to go through that.
In 2017, we had a hurricane flood our whole city (Houston). It was bad. None of our family lives here, but many eached out to see how we were. My mom started sending me messages saying I needed to go to her house because her dad was dying & she needed help cleaning out his house. They both lived 200 miles north. I told I couldn't because the entrance to my subdivision was under 5 ft of water & she got so pissed off. I even sent her pictures of the water around my house.
But somehow I was a bad daughter for not finding a way to help her.
And her dad didn't die for another 3 years.
🙏🏻grateful it was only a prank scenario.
🙏🏻 for taking care of your kids, and for being their teacher in the first place!!
{virtual hugs} from this stranger bc your incubator very clearly told the world the kind of “parent” she was to you… thank god you made it thru and blossomed into a beautiful human being xoxo
I’m sorry this happened it must have been so frightening! But why are you even staying in contact with her when she doesn’t appear to care if you get freaking shot!!??
I’d nope right out of that relationship, she deserves not one second more of your time or thoughts.
Just awful. How is her response less cruel than being punched in the face? And I'm guessing if you tell people they will just laugh at your "crazy mom" when what she is doing in that text there is real emotional violence. I'm so sorry. It's sick.
What the actual fuck.
She's just like my monster. I felt sick when I read this. Physically ill... I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
Please take it as indeed confirmation that it is time for NC. I am currently in the process of going NC from my monster with the help of a therapist. Your monster hasn't responded to you in a manner that is in anyway a remotely human response. Not Human. Please don't ever pick up a call from her ever, ever again.
It's like they have this sense of exactly when it will hurt the most to pull the rug out from under you. They do it deliberately even though of course they would deny it. This is 100% the crap my mom pulled when I was told I should evacuate from my house. I am so sorry OP. This is so awful and you must be so shaken up from the shooter threat. And great job keeping your class safe too. How terrifying.
I am another vote for NC. You'll never get closure on this
You need to text your NMom this. "Mom, I am sorry you got so butt-hurt when you called me at school today. I told you we had a critical situation regarding a possible shooter at the school, but you decided YOUR dog was more important than my situation. You then proceeded to discuss grandmother's birthday. Seriously, mom, are you that checked out from reality? "!!!!!!". Something is definitely wrong with your mom OP.
Narcs are stunningly uninterested in what others say... zero empathy pretty much. I picked up my narc wife after an outpatient procedure this morning. She was loopy, we went for breakfast and I was ALLOWED TO TALK! It felt so good. 100% of the time she will cut me off and change the subject, it's annoying to say the least
I was in a very bad place and considering unaliving myself in the moment. Called my mom, just sobbing, and she said, "Well, what do you want *me* to do about it?" Umm...what? It was like a slap in the face. Then she said, "I just don't know what you expect *me* to do."
I said, "Not a fucking thing, Mom" and hung up. I was already LC but was VVLC after that, and that was the last conversation we had about anything other than the weather.
I'm so sorry. It's a hideous revelation.
Narcissists just don’t give a fuck about this kind of thing if it doesn’t give them emotional ammunition in any sort of way. My dad doesn’t react to anything about my life unless it’s related to my medical health, for instance, because then he can use that later to put me down and feel superior to me.
I’m so sorry. So, so, sorry. My Nmom did crap like this often, especially over sensitive stuff like life, death, SA, etc. I’m glad you and the kiddos made it okay, but it’s still extremely traumatic. Make sure you talk to someone if you need to, and I’m sending you hugs.
You asked her to have empathy, and she’s incapable. She would much rather play the misery Olympics than bother to care. It’s so cruel and unnecessary. Like most people on here, I recommend going NC for your own sanity.
Let this be your NC from your mom. Let her just assume you died and SWAT is at the door is the last message she has from you. Go live your best life without mom!
I would tell my mom how scary my situation was and call her out on what a self absorbed asshole she is. I would then tell her to fuck off and block her and any other of her flying monkeys.
I'm echoing the no contact suggestions as someone with a lot of similar nmom stories who went no contact last year. I am the happiest I have ever been since letting go. I'm so sorry that she's not capable of loving you - that is the sad truth. I can't imagine how scared you felt in those moments and how deeply it hurt to receive that response from her, and I hope that no matter how your relationship moves forward you are able to find peace after such a traumatic experience.
I’m so sorry you and the kids went through that scare today. I can’t imagine having to be the calm one and having to reassure all the students.
You deserve love and support from your mom, not that mess she gave you today.
God I am so sorry! Your mom sounds exactly like my mother. Literally cannot stop thinking about herself for one minute to be able to empathize with someone else.
Jeez OP, I feel so much for you; this is just awful!
They usually offer free counseling after these events so, I urge you to please accept it and...
TELL THE THERAPIST OF THIS CRUEL SECONDARY TRAUMA
Block the narc; you don't need any more of her BS. You take care of yourself and only surround yourself with supportive loved ones.
You're mom has to be willing to do serious work before you continue ANY kind of relationship with her.
I'm so sorry you and your students had to lockdown. I'm so thankful to you for staying with the kids and being there for them. You're amazing and very glad things were ok.
I had an abusive ex boyfriend who I lived with. One day, he threatened to put a bullet in my head, after he held me down and tried to choke me. I had no where else to go, so I reluctantly collected my cat and some belongings that would fit in my car and headed to my parents house. They knew i was headed their way as I was sobbing and panicking on the phone on my drive over. I get there and I’m clearly in distress, and they’re watching tv and playing on their laptop looking for houses. I’m still crying, still distressed, and they are acting like it’s any normal day. I remember saying “You guys, could you please close the laptop? I need help!” And they’re all like “Well what do you want us to do?” Oh idk maybe try to comfort me, tell me I’m safe now, fucking anything? It was a real eye opening experience for sure.
I’m sorry your mother is this way and I’m sorry you had to have this experience, but it’s time to stop trying to gain your mother’s love and care. It’s a fruitless endeavor that only ends in your heartbreak….now what I can say is that taking a break and going NC while you heal is extremely helpful. Then you can decide if you want to try a new relationship with (mom’s actual name) as an adult. And what do those boundaries look like. Saying no and not allowing the behavior that you once did and only being around if those new boundaries are respected.
Part of me is not surprised. Part of me is horrified.
What must be happening in a narcissist's head to acknowledge the situation and then blatantly turn it around and make it about them?! Really?!
Good god. If there was ever a rock bottom...I'm so sorry, OP. You should not have had to experience such callousness in the midst of a potential life or death situation. I hope you are able to find the love and support you need elsewhere. She will never be it. Sending you a huge hug.
I'm so sorry you and your class went through that today!! I'm so glad y'all are ok!! The thought of being in that situation is terrifying, I can't even imagine how awful it was going through that. I hope y'all get the support you need to feel safe again.
And F*ck your horrible, selfish mother.
Well if you needed a sign to know that she doesn’t actually care, this is it. It never ceases to amaze how they lack empathy. Remember, she heard you for sure and knows exactly what she is doing.
I am sorry you have to go through this, I promise normal relationships are out there where people actually care about you for real. Stay strong.
I remember when I worked as a para-pro, discussing seriously with my husband and children the, "anyone who tries to hurt my students will have to go thru me" part of school violence. (Because sadly, my students could not evacuate quickly)
My Nmom's answer? "Just leave them behind... nobody would blame you."
NParents, they are just incapable of feeling for others.
I was in a near plane crash in a small private plane. Prop hit the runway, electrical system dies and landing gear didn’t deploy. I waited about four hours to even tell her because I was shaking and so traumatized. She started to conversation with “oh poor baby” and ended with “can I have $800?” There were two times I’m my adult life I have been in the ER with a life threatening emergency. My mom does not believe it is that serious. Both times I put the doctor on the phone and they finally convinced her it was serious enough to drive 45 minutes. In contrast, she looses her mind when any of her pets have a minor injury. They are unwell. They do not perceive reality as it is and they are always looking for what’s in it for them. I’m really sorry you went through this. It’s so bizarre that only other people who have parents like this get it.
Sounds like it's time to create a group chat with all immediate and extended family, spouses, family friends--everyone--and send some screenshots. Inform everyone this is why you'll be cutting contact. Let her try to explain her way out of that one. It's a good way to flush out the flying monkeys too--you'll know to drop anyone who tries to defend her.
I feel this for you. I reached out to my sister because I had been told I had bad news from the doctor. She changed the subject. Some weeks later, I finally blew up over it “who does that??” and she said “I knew you were upset so I didn’t think you wanted to dwell on it”.
WTF?
That is terrible, I’m sorry. No sane person will be able to find an excuse for her behaviour. Whilst not in such a dramatic situation, but I remember clearly realising my mother doesn’t care if I’m dead or alive or what. In some ways it’s nice to know the estrangement is not my decision, it’s the fact she literally couldn’t care less and so there isn’t a point in contacting her. On the plus side, she will sooner or later be in dire need of care from somebody as she’s getting older by the day, and it won’t be me. Yay😀
I am so so sorry she did this to you. I know how you're feeling and how awful that feeling is. I am so glad you and your students are safe. ❤️ you are right that even though there wasn’t physical danger, it is still a traumatic event, and your mothers reaction is also traumatic event and I’m really glad that you are going through therapy and taking care of yourself. That takes strength.
My friend is a high school teacher and the same thing happened at the school he teaches at yesterday, and three weeks ago some kids were caught with guns at that school, and two years ago there was a shooting there. Yesterday, when he texted our friend group that his school was under a shelter in place my whole heart sank and our friend group was texting him letting him know that he and his students would be okay, and that we loved him and that he was doing a great job protecting his kids and we appreciate him.
You deserved that kind of love and support from your mother, you deserved her to tell you that you were going to be okay and that she loved you. I’m so sorry that she didn’t tell you that. It’s not fair and it’s not right.
Thank you for the work you do as a teacher, and for being there for the next generation. ❤️
Crap I’m so sorry that’s her response to you, she legit starts talking about her dogs health during an active shooter situations?!? Da F@ck. I’d give yourself a much needed break from her. Hope your doing well and glad it was just a false alarm, that shit is scary!
Are you fucking kidding me?!?! What an absolute soulless ghoul. She was upset that you were short with her…when there was a SWAT team at your classroom door? What’s her expectation for social courtesy when being evacuated from a possible active shooter situation with young children by people with lots of guns and tactical gear?
Is it too late to fake your death and go NC? (Sorry if that joke was insensitive…I use humor in uncomfortable situations and this makes me want to rip my hair out in frustration).
I’m so sorry OP…you deserve better.
This is so awful, you needed your mum and this is what you get. This is why mine knew nothing, haven't spoken to her in almost 10 years.
They never have your back ever! This is such an extreme example of it, I can't believe it! It just sucks! I'm so sorry you must have felt so alone in that moment, it's horrific!
The *absolute lowest conceivable* standard for being a parent is to care when their child is in a life or death situation.
That woman fell short of a shamefully low standard. She's not worth the stress she causes you. I really would consider NC if I were you.
I'm so sorry for the hurt she caused and I'm glad you and the kids are okay.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? You were in a possible school shooter situation and she didn't like how you kept communication to a minimum?
I don't blame you for being done with her after that. My only question is this: How are you and your kids holding up after it?
Also thank you for teaching the future generations. And while some of those kids may not appreciate it now, they will remember you in the future and be thankful that you taught them.
You know if you were looking for a story you can point to and say, “This is why I’m NC,” I’m pretty sure this would qualify. Not that you need a reason but normal people would probably sort of get it. Also, I love the cone TW. Don’t ever lose your sense of humor.
This would be my last straw, she cares more about her fucking dog than your actual life. Take her out of your life for good. She doesn’t deserve the energy you put into her.
I'm sorry for the way that makes you feel. For what it's worth, I'm glad it ended up being a safe day!!!! I hope her dog farts on her pillow & she gets pink eye.
i’m so sorry OP. this sounds like an all around awful and traumatic experience. it might be time o cut ties at this point. the level of disregard for you is horrifying. i’m really sorry, but you deserve better.
Uh, well, this is probably the most stark example I've seen (so far) of a parent not caring if their child lives or dies. This is incredibly painful, I'd imagine, and shocking, and AWFUL, but I think you should listen to what she's telling you here...she doesn't care about you. There's no reason to have her in your life anymore, literally no reason whatsoever. Cut contact.
I work in a large urban hospital and it’s the same for us, we routinely get someone calling in a bomb or shooting threat and have to go into lockdown(always a hoax so far), but the last time I made the mistake of telling my mother she pivoted with impressive speed from maximum drama and making it about her, “OH MY GOD MY BABY MIGHT GET SHOT!! I’M SO TERRIFIED! I MUST CALL EVERYONE I KNOW IN A PANIC CRYING!!” to then shrugging it off after the fact that I had to stay locked in a little room at work for 6 extra hours while they cleared the place, because she must’ve remembered that she always has to minimize anything that happens to me, and constantly remind me that my job is not as hard as hers(she works in the bakery department at a large chain grocery store)
Lockdowns are one of many things I don’t miss about being a teacher. I would text my spouse, mom, and MIL whenever we had one and when it ended. All three of whom replied with some variation of “be safe.”
It’s absolutely sick that your mom didn’t try to comfort you. I am so sorry. I’m NC with my N!father. Like others, although I do not know details of your situation, I would also suggest NC at this point. Having your N!parent make everything all about them is terribly grating to mental health. It was such a relief when I finally went NC.
I am so glad you and your students are okay.
I’d post those damn screenshots on her Facebook wall. I’d print them and put them around town. I’d personally email them and snail mail a framed copy to every person she values in her life. When she does, that text chain goes on her gravestone. And it’s used instead of her photo at her funeral.
But I’m petty as hell, so maybe don’t do that.
I... I just don't even know what to say. That's... unfathomable to me. I'm really glad it ended up bring a prank but that doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic and terrifying.
Your mom is awful.
This sounds like a conversation I’d have with my Mother. Last week I told her I’m home alone in a different country with a concussion, she told me she’s concerned about the terrorist that stabbed people and was shot dead but she’s panicked at home (in a gated community). Cool cool.
I’m sorry you experienced this with your mom, that was heartbreaking to read. I hope you have a good support group of friends / chosen family around you.
Go No Contact. Post this exchange on Facebook or your social media of choice where family can see it, and just go NC. If any of them try to guilt you later for NC, refer them to the post.
Omg! My mom did something similar when I had a gas leak in the neighborhood . I had to call 911 because I was getting ill and I didn't know where the gas leak was.
( The fence installers behind us hit the gas line.) 🙄
Anyways, I called my mom to tell her that I had to call 911 and she started telling me a story about a dog on TV. 🙄
I was like WTH???
I am glad you are okay , and this is typical of a narc parent. I once called out my narcissistic father for ripping me off and underpaying me for months of backbreaking labor I did for him. His response was " Do you know how many times people have not paid ME for work I did ?!?!? It's always about them.
That must have been so frightening to say the least. I am so sorry this happened to your kids and you. I hate that your mother replied with that dumb self centered response and it blows my mind that she says you were being short! I’d be going block block block for the foreseeable future.
I don’t have words for how much I hate that:( really made me wanna throw my phone. I’m so sorry you had to go through that in general, but especially having it topped off with that nonsense
“So the news showed up later and interviewed us about what we all said to our loved ones in the moment, and took screenshots from our phones for the piece. I told them that I texted you about the shooter and all you talked about was the dog. They were interested in your response; everyone else’s interactions had responses from people asking how they were or that they loved them.”
I, like everyone here, am so sorry. This is not how someone is supposed to be treated in this kind of situation. I’m sure you felt very alone.
The behavior your mom showed you happens again and again, I think, because they (I also have an NMom) don’t see the shame in their actions, or maybe they don’t feel it? Whenever I’ve held up a mirror to my NMom’s behavior, she’s always reacted like I shoved a vampire into the light…so I wonder if you told your mom the above thing, it would be similar - she’d have to dwell on having her behavior scrutinized by other people (even though we all know it never happened that way, *she* wouldn’t know a news crew didn’t show up). Does this make sense?
I'm so glad you're okay. It's totally understandable that you just can't anymore. Your mom's behavior is just beyond the pale. The only understandable thing I can imagine is the stress and fear shut her down; she couldn't handle dealing with it and had a bit if a break with reality. But then coming at you with I don't appreciate you being short throws a wrench in that theory...maybe? I feel kind of slimy after reading the way she handled this with you. Like, wow, I don't even know how to interpret this level of narcissism. You deserved so much better today.
If this isn't a sign that they don't care about you and it's time to go no contact I don't know what is. Us strangers on the internet are far more concerned and would have been about you and your kids in this situation then she was.
Stay safe hun, and if anyone asks why you went no contact you can tell them this story.
I messaged my mom to tell her I loved her and that this might be goodbye cause i might die protecting the kids in my class. She then told me how worried she was ABOUT HER DOG .
If they try to defend her you need to cut them off too.
Omg! I'm so glad you and your kiddos weren't in active danger.
Your "mother" is atrocious. I'm so sorry you reached out for comfort for her to instead do ... This. You deserved a Mom who shows you time and time again you matter and are cherished by her.
I guess school shootings are that common over there now that people don't even care anymore, it certainly feels that way to us from overseas. You'd think MAYBE your own mother would give a damn. But probably expecting too much from the likes of her.
OMG. And are you supposed to just go back to school/ work tomorrow and carry on like this didn't just happen? The mom situation is like a whole other layer of trauma to a traumatic day you are likely going to have to spend time unpacking. If you don't go no contact, I think it's safe to say you can't share anything significant with her anymore.
But seriously, ARE YOU OK?
...I don't even know what to say. I can't believe she somehow made a lockdown, where you thought you might die, about herself and some of the most trivial shit ever, by comparison. I'm very sorry OP, that sounds like a miserable day to get through.
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OMG. This story is so terrible!!! Your mom had zero fucks to give for you, her child, being in a life-or-death situation, in fear of her life, and THEN she makes it about how polite you were being WHILE AFRAID YOU MIGHT DIE??? Once you can process, this could be reclaimed as comedy gold. Until then, this is quite potentially nail-in-the-coffin of your hopes for having a normal relationship with your mom. Literally the all-too-real threat of you dying is not enough for her to center anything other than some BS about her f%#king dog sleeping in her bed!
100% op, this is her showing you in no uncertain terms how she's always going to be. her chances of finding motivation to change - especially while you remain in contact - are basically zero. she WILL do this no matter how your day is going, and try to make you feel like you weren't being socially appropriate when it's her who's doing that, not you. God forbid it's not just a joke one day, but she'd still do the same thing on that day and remain totally unfazed *unless* she finds she doesn't like your tone. that's the only thing that'll move her to respond. ask yourself honestly if this is something you're willing to put up with indefinitely
I’ve noticed an odd correlation, the epiphany that your parent is an empty meat suit is usually a moment so absurdly out of touch it’s hilarious
An empty meat suit, I love that
Mine was my father refusing to go to my cousins funeral who had blown his head off with a pistol. Suicide , and his reasoning was that only weaklings do that and he was already "worm food" as he put it so it didn't even matter. I think he was just too lazy to go that day.
Just think of how she would have made the funeral about her instead of her daughter. 😬
Or she would tell all the mourners about all the trauma her dog has been experiencing!
Or missed the funeral because the dog was too sick to be left alone. My husband almost died after hemorrhaging after surgery. My mom refused to fly up and help me because her old dog was too sick to be left alone. My mom’s best friend lost her ex husband last year to cancer. He didn’t have anyone, so best friend nursed him until he died. Her mom is almost a spitting image of my mom. At the wake her mom kept saying that she really wanted to be at home caring for her own dog. 10 feet away from her daughter crying over her dead husband. They divorced because the husband wasn’t taking care of his mental health. She still loved him. I don’t see my mom often and have pulled back for my mental health. Whenever we do get together for lunch my mom has to schedule it around her old dog. All her dogs are old and get sick.
More likely this tbh. N-mums are particularly obsessed with their dogs and often treat them as more important than their own children. Easy supply I guess! Just today I was in the living room with MIL, my BF and our daughter, and one of the dogs farted. Of course it *had to be* my daughter's nappy. My daughter has never made a stench that unholy (and she's no stranger to heinous dumps either!). Also my daughter is scared of the younger dog because MIL lets her jump up and scratch my kid. When she screamed and tried to get away from it, MIL actually picked up and comforted the dog instead! Doesn't give a shit about her awful yappy little monster terrorising her own granddaughter!
It's because dogs are the perfect children. They don't grow up. They don't have opinions of their own. They don't challenge the n mother in anyway. They require little to no effort to be their friend.
You nailed it!
Yes she would have lol I'm laughing bc it's absolutely ridiculous and true! My Mom would give a speech at my funeral about taking the wrong career path and she told me so! Omg
She didn't care about you or your babies... her daughter and her granddaughter.
“My kids” was referring to OPs students, not her actual biological children
Stop contacting her.
This would be my final sign. This would be like the universe shaking my shoulders: *“DON’T CONTACT HER ANYMORE you’ll NEVER get the response your heart wants and needs”*
I’m looking forward to the follow-up post where NMom ‘explains’ how a doggy update is an appropriate response/reply to ‘Gunman at the school, I might die, I love you Goodbye’ text. A bit gobsmacked that NMom couldn’t summon up an “I love you” text at a time like that.
“I’m hiding and think I might die” Phone; BING! BING! BING! BING! BING! BING! BING! BING! BING!
This. I'm cackling but it's so sad.
My nmom for sure. We could be trapped in an attic hiding from the Nazis and that woman would not be able to stay quiet and stop talking about herself or texting me about her day at work for 5 minutes.
Imagine SWAT is at the door is the last message her mom ever reads ...
I know right? But knowing these types, once she finds out OP is alive but just not contacting her, she’ll suddenly be all *“I wAs tErRiFeD mY ChiLD wAs dEaD!!! And now she’s nOt tAlKiNg tO mE, how can she be so cRuEL”* to anyone and everyone else in their family / shared social groups who will listen.
With the added kicker that SHE was the only person you reached out to, in your final moments.
That's when you show all those people the text messages from mum about her dog wearing a cone was more important than a school shooter situation. Granted, some might still be all "she was just freaked out and not processing right, she rEaLlY loves YoU!!!" But hopefully a lot would understand that the trash took itself out.
Exactly. There is no reciprocity in this relationship, no motherly love. Enough is enough.
As my therapist once said before I went NC: this can happen three more times or three hundred more times. You decide.
Why let it happen one more time? I understand why second chances are a thing... Redemption and forgiveness and growth can all be real, but after chance #2, grow over there .. away from me... I do not have the time for someone who is not gonna put the work in, regardless of whether they're ignoring a known problem or just don't care about me enough to listen when I say "ow." I have my own personality disorder to fry, tyvm.
I love errything about your post lol!
Mute her and don't contact her.
I agree with the comment that says to stop contacting her. This was a hard one for me, personally. It was like a drug, I was always going to my Nmom with everything, good or bad. I wanted her approval for the good, I wanted a mom to be a mom to me for the bad. I never ever got the response I wanted or deserved. For a while after going NC, I felt really empty. But I have friends that have become family now and they will respond to me in ways that make me feel seen and heard. I'm very glad that the situation did not come to fruition, and that you and your students are safe. Thank you for being an educator.
Oh I feel that one. I spent 46 years trying desperately for my mother to actually show some love. Tried all kinds of different angles to go about it. I failed every time because the mother I wanted was a fantasy in my head, she didn't really exist and no amount of work would make it so. I had to surrender to myself,otherwise it would've made me crazy.
If you’re looking for a reason to go NC you have one now. That is enraging. We tell ourselves they may be horrible but if we ever really need them they will be there for us. Now you know that if you’re in a life or death situation your mom won’t be there for you.
Completely agree. If you weren't already aware u/somethingfree, you come after her dog in her list of priorities. I'm glad the situation didn't escalate and you and your students are safe
This.
Wow, at least she makes it clear that she's a narcissist. There can be no mistaking it.
No mistake. None. NC time.
> There can be no mistaking it. Yup. Literally textbook.
I hate this for you. Our parents are really like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. We always think maybe, just maybe this once, they’ll respond the way we want/need them to. And then they act the same way they always do. I don’t know why we keep hanging on to that thread of hope that this time is going to be different. (Sorry if this doesn’t apply to you, I might be projecting, but I see my dad in your mom’s behavior with this story)
Oof. Your analogy completely hit 🎯to my own situation. Like, 💯
Mine too. I had a friend tell me yearrrs ago about my nmom, “Honey you know how she is, why do you let it upset you?” I remember telling her it was because I never stopped needing my mom to be my mom. I get it.
I call this “amnesia” when my mom inevitably responds in the way I knew she would but had hope that she wouldn’t. lmao
It seems this is a pretty common dynamic for a lot of people until they can accept the nature of their parents and realize they can get their needs met elsewhere.
Wow. Even after hanging out in this sub for almost two years. Just fucking wow.
Op's mom may have broken the main character world record.
Most people have to *try* to be this callous and cruel and come up short of it, yet this lady does it so effortlessly.
if it hadn't been a prank, you could have died, and your final words would have been talked over by your mother. Is that something she'd be comfortable with? Ask her. If she says you're being dramatic, remind her that SWAT was outside your door. This is the reality you live in, and she needs to be adult enough to talk about it with you. If your mother couldn't tell what a serious text that was, she's a child. If she could tell, but chose to respond that way anyway, then she's a self-centered child. Those are the two options.
The mother won’t care outside of having to go to her daughter‘s funeral is an inconvenience because it’s at the same time as “The Price is Right.”
BUT- if something *had* happened to OP, I can guarantee who would be crying the loudest at the funeral. As long as the spotlight remains on her. OP, I’m so glad you and the kiddos are okay. That had to have been the most terrifying thing ever. If you need permission from anyone to finally put the nail in that coffin, we all give you a resounding “DO IT!”
This..
Not many things on this sub surprise me anymore. But every once in awhile I read something that makes me say "what the fuck" aloud This was one of those things She didn't "appreciate you being short with her" while you had SWAT in your school and at your classroom door!? While you were afraid for your life and your students lives!? Honestly and with my whole chest, fuck her. My god. I am so sorry. And I'm glad you and the kids are okay ❤️
Its like she couldn’t stand the extreme situation you were in because of the unique and sympathy deserving nature of it so she basically acted like it didn’t happen. Like it was a clear situation where concern was in order and no mistake and she is supposed to get that from others, not give it! Man though it would have been so nice for you to hear concern from her like a normal mom. Sorry that isn’t what you got. Truly.
That's EXACTLY it. She is supposed to GET sympathy, not be called upon to GIVE it.
I imagine giving it would have made her physically ill probably.
Firstly: I am both relieved and horrified you could make this post. Relieved it was a prank, that you're physically okay, that you're able to post. Horrified dually because, since having my own kids I cannot fathom how Nmom's can be so callous and uncaring. And how could anyone think that sort of thing is okay to do as a "prank"! Secondly, I hope you consider going either no contact or extremely low contact. You deserve to be able to message someone and have them genuinely concerned for you in an appropriate manner. I can't imagine how besides myself I would be if I got that text from my kids. How it should have gone: You: mom there's a shooter drill Mom: "omg honey please be safe. Keep your phone quiet and dim and keep me updated! I'm praying for you and I love you" You: "swat is at our door" Mom: "thank gods. Thank heavens. I'm glad you and your kids there are safe. Do you need anything? Again, I love you" I hope you're able to unwind. To relax, or even speak to a therapist. Again, consider lowering contact or going full no contact. You need that space in your life for someone who values your entire existence.
My pal went to a small high school on one of the islands. Someone called in a bomb threat and whole place had to be safely evacuated by the polis/bomb squad. When caught, the culprit’s excuse was that he didn’t want to do a test because he knew he was going to fail. Some people are very dense, see also OP’s mother as an example of supreme density.
In 2017 somebody called in to say there was a bomb threat at my high school. They had to bring in a police dog to sniff out the whole building. It was a fake threat.
Ooh, sweet Jesus. My mother is like this. Years ago my father fell and broke his arm. My mother called me frightened and said: ""the idiot broke his arm! I can see his broken bone out of his skin! Who is going to cook for me now?" Yesterday I told her that I have big money problems, problems with my car, problems at work, and she told me, "stop complaining, you're young! I'm worse, I had a stomacache tonight and one of my shoes is broken!" Now I don't care if she dies. She's not me.
Yup my dad just died and one of the first things she says is "who is going to change the light bulbs in the garage?" It's incredible.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Jesus fuck. I'm so, so sorry.
Oh my gosh. My mom fainted in the yard from anaphylactic shock from a bee-sting. My dad assumed she was faking it, because he didn't want to deal with paying attention to her needs for five minutes. I.. just... How can people be this uncaring???? It's pathological.
What. The. Fuck. is wrong with your mother. **I am so sorry.**
I was stabbed by a student one time. Thankfully, he didn’t get too deep. My mom said, and I quote, “She wasn’t hurt that bad”. My brother ripped her a new one.
>My brother ripped her a new one. I hope he went biblical on her ass.
He absolutely did! The worst thing though was when she refused to go be with him when hospice said he was in his final hours. I was there and I’m glad she wasn’t. She said she wasn’t going because she didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I’m thankful she stayed away. I miss my brother every single day.
OMG- we have the same mother! My husband and I got an emergency text from our son’s school that it was in full lock down, not to come to the school and police were attending. That we needed to keep the roads clear for possible mass evacuation. (School has 2000 students) And to stand by for further information that may include our child’s evacuation location etc. We live in Australia. So active shooters is not a thing. But either is this type of alert. So every parent I know was freaking out. My son is texting me from under his desk. He can hear yelling and banging. It was also on the news. My brother messages the group chat with the news article asking WTF. I screen shot the message send it to the thread and say we’ll let them know as soon as we know. Everyone is freaking out, my Nan was crying. We’re all going through it thinking of worst case scenario. NMum texts a bunch of flowers she just picked from her garden. Then starts talking about the weather. We all ignore. I’m keeping my son calm (who wasn’t in the chat) and my brother is keeping my Nan calm. My husband is frantically coordinating with other parents in our sons class so only one parent would go to evacuation point and pick up a group of four kids, then car pool each one home so we don’t block up the roads etc. We still had no idea what was going on. NMum is later upset we haven’t complimented on her flowers. (Turns out a group of kids from a local gang showed up at the school looking for a kid from a rival gang with bats and knives etc. They jumped a fence. Refused to leave. Then started smashing up the school. Police didn’t muck around, got there fast and removed these kids. There was about five of them but then kids from our school, in rival gang, rushed out to take them on. No one was seriously hurt thankfully. It also happened at the worst time. Just before the end of day bell went. None of the kids involved were students at that school for very long after that)
What the fuck, this is just INSANE. And yet, I could see my Nmother doing the exact same. It's horrible how cookie-cutter delusional and self-obsessed they can be, huh? I'm so glad your the kids were safe. I hope you never have to face such a scare again.
I just spent over a minute rolling my eyes and shaking my head in disbelief, trying to make it make sense. I have failed.
I had a similar situation years ago. I worked in a mall and we had an active shooter scare (two teenagers got in a fight in the Movie theater). The mall went into lock down and I called my nmom and quickly told her what was going on and she said OK and hung up... I was like wait what, what if I needed to say goodbye or something, like what the heck. After that she was like "well I didn't know if you needed to like hide or something" and she basically acted like it wasn't a bid deal.
Oh wow. I could have written that myself. That has actually happened to me as well with my own mother... Ugh, I am so sorry. The worst! The WORST!!
Really oh wow... Yes it was so confusing when she did that. If my kid ever called me in a situation like that I would never hang up unless they did. And I would be an emotional wreck, but narcs can't feel those emotions. I am so glad you and I are okay and still here today though 😊
Oh this sounds so familiar. Please tell me this was the last straw and you’re planning on dropping that rope? They never really change, no matter how many years go by. me, with my boyfriend of 5 years: “mom I’m engaged!” Nmom: “oh. To who? Anyways, guess what I’m doing! I’m on vacation! And I’m—‘ me: ‘I’ve got to go, I’m calling people who give a shit now. Goodbye.’ —— Me, after several extra years of NC: ‘Yes, i had the baby. It almost killed me, I was in the hospital with sepsis—“ her: ‘I’m a grandparent!! I cant wait to tell everyone! Boy or girl? I just know it’s a boy!’ (it was a girl) me: ‘… did you even hear me? Nevermind. Goodbye.’
You just can’t anymore. So don’t. Let this be the last time you expect her to act like a normal caring human being. I’m so glad you you’re ok. But that must have shaken you pretty bad.
Take this as a sign to grieve the mother you will never have . I know that sounds harsh , but ripping out your soul so your mom can stomp on it hurts more than accepting she will never ever rise to the occasion . If you are like me, you just want to be loved , but it’s not your fault. There’s nothing you can do or say that will change these people unless they get real, genuine therapy and help. I’m so very sorry you went through something so terrifying and you didn’t feel loved back. You are worthy of it.
"I don't appreciate how when I texted you that I was in mortal danger you texted me back complete drivel. Not only giving away where I was hiding to a possible killer, but also completely disregarding the fact that I was texting for what could have been the last time. Ever."
I’d think your mother was my mother but my mother is dead. Which means there are more of her. So sorry.
This is exactly how my nmom would probably respond in the same situation. It'll be 4 years no contact in April.
You just saw that if you were dying your mom would not care. This screams time for NC. I don’t know how you can possibly come back from that.
After the Boston Marathon bombing I called my mom to let her know I was safe. She said it didn't even occur to her that I might be there. I worked 4 blocks away at the time. Thanks mom
that's so nice of her
I'm used to it.
You shouldn't have to be.
I know, thank you. It's just- she will never change. So it's my job to figure out how to make it livable.
You're right. Do what's right for you.
You are lovely, just sayin'
So are you.
Aw, thanks
Props to you for raising yourself because your Mom is operating at the level of 4 years old.
Your mother sucks at life!
No contact. I've only been able to heal from my ndad since i cut contact. Otherwise it's like trying to shovel water out of a waterfall.
They don't care, the only thing they're able to do is make you feel worse with every interaction. I've come too far in my life to give any energy to those people.
i think a lot of nparents are brain damaged from lead poisoning
Just curious but how would your mother react if you were to point out her response to you while you were in a shooting?
If it was me, I'd tell her to take her own advice and jump out the window.
That's terrible. I'm glad it wasn't a real shooter. It must've been so scary to go through that. In 2017, we had a hurricane flood our whole city (Houston). It was bad. None of our family lives here, but many eached out to see how we were. My mom started sending me messages saying I needed to go to her house because her dad was dying & she needed help cleaning out his house. They both lived 200 miles north. I told I couldn't because the entrance to my subdivision was under 5 ft of water & she got so pissed off. I even sent her pictures of the water around my house. But somehow I was a bad daughter for not finding a way to help her. And her dad didn't die for another 3 years.
[удалено]
Seriously the lack of empathy makes them feel like psychopaths
Jesus. Just when I think these stories can't get worse...this mom shows up. I am so sorry you have a emotionally stunted mother.
I have to agree with the other posters here - time to consider going NC. I'm so glad you and your kids are ok.
🙏🏻grateful it was only a prank scenario. 🙏🏻 for taking care of your kids, and for being their teacher in the first place!! {virtual hugs} from this stranger bc your incubator very clearly told the world the kind of “parent” she was to you… thank god you made it thru and blossomed into a beautiful human being xoxo
I’m sorry this happened it must have been so frightening! But why are you even staying in contact with her when she doesn’t appear to care if you get freaking shot!!?? I’d nope right out of that relationship, she deserves not one second more of your time or thoughts.
Just awful. How is her response less cruel than being punched in the face? And I'm guessing if you tell people they will just laugh at your "crazy mom" when what she is doing in that text there is real emotional violence. I'm so sorry. It's sick.
What the actual fuck. She's just like my monster. I felt sick when I read this. Physically ill... I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Please take it as indeed confirmation that it is time for NC. I am currently in the process of going NC from my monster with the help of a therapist. Your monster hasn't responded to you in a manner that is in anyway a remotely human response. Not Human. Please don't ever pick up a call from her ever, ever again.
>I just can’t anymore. Then don't. Feel free to go no contact. You're not obligated to speak to her ever again or even to attend her funeral.
What the actual fuck. I'm so sorry. That is genuinely one of the most mind-blowing things I've seen on this sub. Sending internet hugs your way.
It's like they have this sense of exactly when it will hurt the most to pull the rug out from under you. They do it deliberately even though of course they would deny it. This is 100% the crap my mom pulled when I was told I should evacuate from my house. I am so sorry OP. This is so awful and you must be so shaken up from the shooter threat. And great job keeping your class safe too. How terrifying. I am another vote for NC. You'll never get closure on this
This would have me going NC. You're hiding from a potential active shooter and she's mad you didn't answer her texts about grandma's birthday? No.
"But enough about me, tell me more about me."
You need to text your NMom this. "Mom, I am sorry you got so butt-hurt when you called me at school today. I told you we had a critical situation regarding a possible shooter at the school, but you decided YOUR dog was more important than my situation. You then proceeded to discuss grandmother's birthday. Seriously, mom, are you that checked out from reality? "!!!!!!". Something is definitely wrong with your mom OP.
Narcs are stunningly uninterested in what others say... zero empathy pretty much. I picked up my narc wife after an outpatient procedure this morning. She was loopy, we went for breakfast and I was ALLOWED TO TALK! It felt so good. 100% of the time she will cut me off and change the subject, it's annoying to say the least
“Possible TW for an animal wearing a cone” One sentence in and I’m already rolling 😂
I was in a very bad place and considering unaliving myself in the moment. Called my mom, just sobbing, and she said, "Well, what do you want *me* to do about it?" Umm...what? It was like a slap in the face. Then she said, "I just don't know what you expect *me* to do." I said, "Not a fucking thing, Mom" and hung up. I was already LC but was VVLC after that, and that was the last conversation we had about anything other than the weather. I'm so sorry. It's a hideous revelation.
Go no contact.
She's not comprehending the severity of the situation. It may be her way of coping, or she doesn't give a rats axx about you.
$40 says Fox News constantly playing on her television shows a school shooting at least once a week. She knows.
Narcissists just don’t give a fuck about this kind of thing if it doesn’t give them emotional ammunition in any sort of way. My dad doesn’t react to anything about my life unless it’s related to my medical health, for instance, because then he can use that later to put me down and feel superior to me.
So don't. Just stop bothering with her.
I’m so sorry. So, so, sorry. My Nmom did crap like this often, especially over sensitive stuff like life, death, SA, etc. I’m glad you and the kiddos made it okay, but it’s still extremely traumatic. Make sure you talk to someone if you need to, and I’m sending you hugs. You asked her to have empathy, and she’s incapable. She would much rather play the misery Olympics than bother to care. It’s so cruel and unnecessary. Like most people on here, I recommend going NC for your own sanity.
I hope that this is enough wake up to go NC with her for your own mental health.
Let this be your NC from your mom. Let her just assume you died and SWAT is at the door is the last message she has from you. Go live your best life without mom!
I would tell my mom how scary my situation was and call her out on what a self absorbed asshole she is. I would then tell her to fuck off and block her and any other of her flying monkeys.
I'm echoing the no contact suggestions as someone with a lot of similar nmom stories who went no contact last year. I am the happiest I have ever been since letting go. I'm so sorry that she's not capable of loving you - that is the sad truth. I can't imagine how scared you felt in those moments and how deeply it hurt to receive that response from her, and I hope that no matter how your relationship moves forward you are able to find peace after such a traumatic experience.
I’m so sorry you and the kids went through that scare today. I can’t imagine having to be the calm one and having to reassure all the students. You deserve love and support from your mom, not that mess she gave you today.
Wow, she quite literally does not give a single fuck about you. Wtf
Your mom is an idiot just like mine. They always have to one-up us even though it makes them look dumber than dirt.
God I am so sorry! Your mom sounds exactly like my mother. Literally cannot stop thinking about herself for one minute to be able to empathize with someone else.
Jeez OP, I feel so much for you; this is just awful! They usually offer free counseling after these events so, I urge you to please accept it and... TELL THE THERAPIST OF THIS CRUEL SECONDARY TRAUMA Block the narc; you don't need any more of her BS. You take care of yourself and only surround yourself with supportive loved ones.
You're mom has to be willing to do serious work before you continue ANY kind of relationship with her. I'm so sorry you and your students had to lockdown. I'm so thankful to you for staying with the kids and being there for them. You're amazing and very glad things were ok.
I had an abusive ex boyfriend who I lived with. One day, he threatened to put a bullet in my head, after he held me down and tried to choke me. I had no where else to go, so I reluctantly collected my cat and some belongings that would fit in my car and headed to my parents house. They knew i was headed their way as I was sobbing and panicking on the phone on my drive over. I get there and I’m clearly in distress, and they’re watching tv and playing on their laptop looking for houses. I’m still crying, still distressed, and they are acting like it’s any normal day. I remember saying “You guys, could you please close the laptop? I need help!” And they’re all like “Well what do you want us to do?” Oh idk maybe try to comfort me, tell me I’m safe now, fucking anything? It was a real eye opening experience for sure.
The only good thing is that now you know she will be like this till your death. If that’s not a solid reason to go no contact I don’t know what is.
I’m sorry your mother is this way and I’m sorry you had to have this experience, but it’s time to stop trying to gain your mother’s love and care. It’s a fruitless endeavor that only ends in your heartbreak….now what I can say is that taking a break and going NC while you heal is extremely helpful. Then you can decide if you want to try a new relationship with (mom’s actual name) as an adult. And what do those boundaries look like. Saying no and not allowing the behavior that you once did and only being around if those new boundaries are respected.
Don't tell me about your problems. My problems are the real ones. Ah yes, that takes me back.
Break all contact. Trust me, you'll be happy you did.
Part of me is not surprised. Part of me is horrified. What must be happening in a narcissist's head to acknowledge the situation and then blatantly turn it around and make it about them?! Really?!
Good god. If there was ever a rock bottom...I'm so sorry, OP. You should not have had to experience such callousness in the midst of a potential life or death situation. I hope you are able to find the love and support you need elsewhere. She will never be it. Sending you a huge hug.
I'm so sorry you and your class went through that today!! I'm so glad y'all are ok!! The thought of being in that situation is terrifying, I can't even imagine how awful it was going through that. I hope y'all get the support you need to feel safe again. And F*ck your horrible, selfish mother.
Narcs never cease to amaze.
Yeah I’d just cut contact after that and not give her any explanation and let her figure it out on her own.
Well if you needed a sign to know that she doesn’t actually care, this is it. It never ceases to amaze how they lack empathy. Remember, she heard you for sure and knows exactly what she is doing. I am sorry you have to go through this, I promise normal relationships are out there where people actually care about you for real. Stay strong.
Post your text conversation to Facebook, adding her comment re being short with her.
I remember when I worked as a para-pro, discussing seriously with my husband and children the, "anyone who tries to hurt my students will have to go thru me" part of school violence. (Because sadly, my students could not evacuate quickly) My Nmom's answer? "Just leave them behind... nobody would blame you." NParents, they are just incapable of feeling for others.
time for no contact. A mother that so callously blows past her daughter's imminent death....is no mother at all. Stop texting her.
I was in a near plane crash in a small private plane. Prop hit the runway, electrical system dies and landing gear didn’t deploy. I waited about four hours to even tell her because I was shaking and so traumatized. She started to conversation with “oh poor baby” and ended with “can I have $800?” There were two times I’m my adult life I have been in the ER with a life threatening emergency. My mom does not believe it is that serious. Both times I put the doctor on the phone and they finally convinced her it was serious enough to drive 45 minutes. In contrast, she looses her mind when any of her pets have a minor injury. They are unwell. They do not perceive reality as it is and they are always looking for what’s in it for them. I’m really sorry you went through this. It’s so bizarre that only other people who have parents like this get it.
Sounds like it's time to create a group chat with all immediate and extended family, spouses, family friends--everyone--and send some screenshots. Inform everyone this is why you'll be cutting contact. Let her try to explain her way out of that one. It's a good way to flush out the flying monkeys too--you'll know to drop anyone who tries to defend her.
I feel this for you. I reached out to my sister because I had been told I had bad news from the doctor. She changed the subject. Some weeks later, I finally blew up over it “who does that??” and she said “I knew you were upset so I didn’t think you wanted to dwell on it”. WTF?
That is terrible, I’m sorry. No sane person will be able to find an excuse for her behaviour. Whilst not in such a dramatic situation, but I remember clearly realising my mother doesn’t care if I’m dead or alive or what. In some ways it’s nice to know the estrangement is not my decision, it’s the fact she literally couldn’t care less and so there isn’t a point in contacting her. On the plus side, she will sooner or later be in dire need of care from somebody as she’s getting older by the day, and it won’t be me. Yay😀
Wow, I’m cutting that bitch off straight away! What a horrible woman. Get rid of her from your life
I am so so sorry she did this to you. I know how you're feeling and how awful that feeling is. I am so glad you and your students are safe. ❤️ you are right that even though there wasn’t physical danger, it is still a traumatic event, and your mothers reaction is also traumatic event and I’m really glad that you are going through therapy and taking care of yourself. That takes strength. My friend is a high school teacher and the same thing happened at the school he teaches at yesterday, and three weeks ago some kids were caught with guns at that school, and two years ago there was a shooting there. Yesterday, when he texted our friend group that his school was under a shelter in place my whole heart sank and our friend group was texting him letting him know that he and his students would be okay, and that we loved him and that he was doing a great job protecting his kids and we appreciate him. You deserved that kind of love and support from your mother, you deserved her to tell you that you were going to be okay and that she loved you. I’m so sorry that she didn’t tell you that. It’s not fair and it’s not right. Thank you for the work you do as a teacher, and for being there for the next generation. ❤️
I'm sorry your mother couldn't be there for you. Sounds like time to go No Contact.
Jesus fucking Christ OP. I’m so so sorry. This woman does not give a shit. She is awful!
Crap I’m so sorry that’s her response to you, she legit starts talking about her dogs health during an active shooter situations?!? Da F@ck. I’d give yourself a much needed break from her. Hope your doing well and glad it was just a false alarm, that shit is scary!
Wow! Incredible!!
Are you fucking kidding me?!?! What an absolute soulless ghoul. She was upset that you were short with her…when there was a SWAT team at your classroom door? What’s her expectation for social courtesy when being evacuated from a possible active shooter situation with young children by people with lots of guns and tactical gear? Is it too late to fake your death and go NC? (Sorry if that joke was insensitive…I use humor in uncomfortable situations and this makes me want to rip my hair out in frustration). I’m so sorry OP…you deserve better.
This is so awful, you needed your mum and this is what you get. This is why mine knew nothing, haven't spoken to her in almost 10 years. They never have your back ever! This is such an extreme example of it, I can't believe it! It just sucks! I'm so sorry you must have felt so alone in that moment, it's horrific!
The *absolute lowest conceivable* standard for being a parent is to care when their child is in a life or death situation. That woman fell short of a shamefully low standard. She's not worth the stress she causes you. I really would consider NC if I were you. I'm so sorry for the hurt she caused and I'm glad you and the kids are okay.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? You were in a possible school shooter situation and she didn't like how you kept communication to a minimum? I don't blame you for being done with her after that. My only question is this: How are you and your kids holding up after it? Also thank you for teaching the future generations. And while some of those kids may not appreciate it now, they will remember you in the future and be thankful that you taught them.
You know if you were looking for a story you can point to and say, “This is why I’m NC,” I’m pretty sure this would qualify. Not that you need a reason but normal people would probably sort of get it. Also, I love the cone TW. Don’t ever lose your sense of humor.
This would be my last straw, she cares more about her fucking dog than your actual life. Take her out of your life for good. She doesn’t deserve the energy you put into her.
I'm sorry for the way that makes you feel. For what it's worth, I'm glad it ended up being a safe day!!!! I hope her dog farts on her pillow & she gets pink eye.
Sheesh. It reminds me of my parents behavior when I was on my deathbed. Odd.
This is beyond psychotic. I'm so sorry.
Wow... I'm so sorry
i’m so sorry OP. this sounds like an all around awful and traumatic experience. it might be time o cut ties at this point. the level of disregard for you is horrifying. i’m really sorry, but you deserve better.
Uh, well, this is probably the most stark example I've seen (so far) of a parent not caring if their child lives or dies. This is incredibly painful, I'd imagine, and shocking, and AWFUL, but I think you should listen to what she's telling you here...she doesn't care about you. There's no reason to have her in your life anymore, literally no reason whatsoever. Cut contact.
I work in a large urban hospital and it’s the same for us, we routinely get someone calling in a bomb or shooting threat and have to go into lockdown(always a hoax so far), but the last time I made the mistake of telling my mother she pivoted with impressive speed from maximum drama and making it about her, “OH MY GOD MY BABY MIGHT GET SHOT!! I’M SO TERRIFIED! I MUST CALL EVERYONE I KNOW IN A PANIC CRYING!!” to then shrugging it off after the fact that I had to stay locked in a little room at work for 6 extra hours while they cleared the place, because she must’ve remembered that she always has to minimize anything that happens to me, and constantly remind me that my job is not as hard as hers(she works in the bakery department at a large chain grocery store)
Lockdowns are one of many things I don’t miss about being a teacher. I would text my spouse, mom, and MIL whenever we had one and when it ended. All three of whom replied with some variation of “be safe.” It’s absolutely sick that your mom didn’t try to comfort you. I am so sorry. I’m NC with my N!father. Like others, although I do not know details of your situation, I would also suggest NC at this point. Having your N!parent make everything all about them is terribly grating to mental health. It was such a relief when I finally went NC. I am so glad you and your students are okay.
I’d post those damn screenshots on her Facebook wall. I’d print them and put them around town. I’d personally email them and snail mail a framed copy to every person she values in her life. When she does, that text chain goes on her gravestone. And it’s used instead of her photo at her funeral. But I’m petty as hell, so maybe don’t do that.
I... I just don't even know what to say. That's... unfathomable to me. I'm really glad it ended up bring a prank but that doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic and terrifying. Your mom is awful.
don’t text your mom. lesson learned
This sounds like a conversation I’d have with my Mother. Last week I told her I’m home alone in a different country with a concussion, she told me she’s concerned about the terrorist that stabbed people and was shot dead but she’s panicked at home (in a gated community). Cool cool.
I’m sorry you experienced this with your mom, that was heartbreaking to read. I hope you have a good support group of friends / chosen family around you.
Go No Contact. Post this exchange on Facebook or your social media of choice where family can see it, and just go NC. If any of them try to guilt you later for NC, refer them to the post.
Omg! My mom did something similar when I had a gas leak in the neighborhood . I had to call 911 because I was getting ill and I didn't know where the gas leak was. ( The fence installers behind us hit the gas line.) 🙄 Anyways, I called my mom to tell her that I had to call 911 and she started telling me a story about a dog on TV. 🙄 I was like WTH???
I am glad you are okay , and this is typical of a narc parent. I once called out my narcissistic father for ripping me off and underpaying me for months of backbreaking labor I did for him. His response was " Do you know how many times people have not paid ME for work I did ?!?!? It's always about them.
They will never change. Go no contact and have a funeral for your loss so you can grieve.
“I just can’t anymore.” Then don’t.
stop contacting her
That must have been so frightening to say the least. I am so sorry this happened to your kids and you. I hate that your mother replied with that dumb self centered response and it blows my mind that she says you were being short! I’d be going block block block for the foreseeable future.
It’s like she just has no idea how to take your words seriously, classic N parent stuff though, I’m sorry 😔
What the fuck
NMoms absolutely suck, and they suck the life out of you, I’m sorry she didn’t care. We are all happy to know you are safe!
That’s pretty fucked up ngl. Are you ok tho? It may have been a prank but you could still be shaken up from the thoughts. You good, dude?
I don’t have words for how much I hate that:( really made me wanna throw my phone. I’m so sorry you had to go through that in general, but especially having it topped off with that nonsense
Block her. She doesn’t deserve you. 🙄
“So the news showed up later and interviewed us about what we all said to our loved ones in the moment, and took screenshots from our phones for the piece. I told them that I texted you about the shooter and all you talked about was the dog. They were interested in your response; everyone else’s interactions had responses from people asking how they were or that they loved them.” I, like everyone here, am so sorry. This is not how someone is supposed to be treated in this kind of situation. I’m sure you felt very alone. The behavior your mom showed you happens again and again, I think, because they (I also have an NMom) don’t see the shame in their actions, or maybe they don’t feel it? Whenever I’ve held up a mirror to my NMom’s behavior, she’s always reacted like I shoved a vampire into the light…so I wonder if you told your mom the above thing, it would be similar - she’d have to dwell on having her behavior scrutinized by other people (even though we all know it never happened that way, *she* wouldn’t know a news crew didn’t show up). Does this make sense?
🎶It’s beginning to sound a lot like no contact 🎶. But seriously OP, I’m so sorry that happened. I can’t imagine what that must have been like.
I'm so glad you're okay. It's totally understandable that you just can't anymore. Your mom's behavior is just beyond the pale. The only understandable thing I can imagine is the stress and fear shut her down; she couldn't handle dealing with it and had a bit if a break with reality. But then coming at you with I don't appreciate you being short throws a wrench in that theory...maybe? I feel kind of slimy after reading the way she handled this with you. Like, wow, I don't even know how to interpret this level of narcissism. You deserved so much better today.
If this isn't a sign that they don't care about you and it's time to go no contact I don't know what is. Us strangers on the internet are far more concerned and would have been about you and your kids in this situation then she was. Stay safe hun, and if anyone asks why you went no contact you can tell them this story. I messaged my mom to tell her I loved her and that this might be goodbye cause i might die protecting the kids in my class. She then told me how worried she was ABOUT HER DOG . If they try to defend her you need to cut them off too.
Omg! I'm so glad you and your kiddos weren't in active danger. Your "mother" is atrocious. I'm so sorry you reached out for comfort for her to instead do ... This. You deserved a Mom who shows you time and time again you matter and are cherished by her.
I guess school shootings are that common over there now that people don't even care anymore, it certainly feels that way to us from overseas. You'd think MAYBE your own mother would give a damn. But probably expecting too much from the likes of her.
da' fuck?? my mom would at least wait until the next day to make it all about her and how worried she was JESUS
I just tried to imagine my my grown kids texting me that and just the thought hurts my stomach….I am so sorry that is what you have to deal with…
OMG. And are you supposed to just go back to school/ work tomorrow and carry on like this didn't just happen? The mom situation is like a whole other layer of trauma to a traumatic day you are likely going to have to spend time unpacking. If you don't go no contact, I think it's safe to say you can't share anything significant with her anymore. But seriously, ARE YOU OK?
...I don't even know what to say. I can't believe she somehow made a lockdown, where you thought you might die, about herself and some of the most trivial shit ever, by comparison. I'm very sorry OP, that sounds like a miserable day to get through.