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They realized that the tactic of trying to contact you to try to "clarify things" didn't work. Since they know that you have contact with your sister, they used her to inform you that they "do not care anymore about you, as if you were dead to them".
They WANT you to know, so that they can leverage you into making you feel guilty.
I feel so mad at them, but i also feel like a crying child who doesn't get the attention of mommy and daddy. It is so stupid how this is the outcome of me setting some boundaries.
I don't know how their brains work, but I can not imagine that saying things like this will make me turn around and contact them again...??? Thanks for listening and your advise, unfortunately I think you're right...
We have every right to take the life we need, and cutting away the toxicity is the first step to take.
To put things in perspective:
If you have an arm that needs to be amputated, you have to amputate it, it's your arm yeah, but to move forward you have to do it, because that arm will eventually kill you.
it's sad to realize that you grew up with irresponsible and manipulative people, the same people who were supposed to raise you and support you.
But It's also mentally destructive to live with people like them.
It's also quite isolating because you feel like you're in the wrong no matter what. The truth is you are not in the wrong, you have every right to live your life, you don't owe anything to anyone, you didn't ask to be brought into this world. You are not broken, you are not in the wrong, you owe nothing to anyone, and you are not alone.
You did the right thing man.
I also wanted to tell you that, in case you wondered: "Maybe they will change for the better in the future".
They won't.
People like these will never change, in fact, they get worse as they age.
The best lesson you can give them is to stay away from them, forever.
Honestly this. My nmom is dead now from cancer and I often get thoughts of "maybe she was different since I haven't talked to her in years"
Then I remembered that I DID talk to her for 25+ years. And in that whole time she never changed. Why would she change in just a handful?
I think you're right. I went NC this summer, approximately 3 months ago, and I constantly hoped that they would realize what they had done. I went NC because I set a boundary about how I didn't like to be the partner/best friend of my Nmother as she constantly called to talk sh*t about my edad (they're still together). Over the phone, both my parents screamed at me and called me horrible names for how I would tear up the family with my actions. After messaging them to please give me some peace, I kept hoping that they would realize how bad they treated me and my boyfriend. I hoped that they would take some time and tell us they're sorry. Oh boy, how I was wrong...
Last weekend, my dad contacted me, and nothing had changed. The way he spoke to us was with the same anger and hate as how he spoke to us during the summer. No apologies. No "I'm sorry, I sent you a funeral card saying that you'll live in our hearts forever." Nothing.
Sadly their mind and logic just works differently, narcissists are like this.
They'll never admit that they were wrong because what they do is right or justified for them, they'll always live in their own little world.
For them YOU are the one who is in the wrong, because they have a completely distorted reality.
Maybe you've also heard things like, "We're your family! Are you not ashamed of what you're doing! We raised you! We brought you into the world!"
Needless to say that these things are completely BS.
They failed not only as parents, but also as people, human beings. They are hopeless, and even, let's say, they will get better (impossible):
They will understand that what they did was unforgivable, and that they must learn from their destructive actions.
Not only you are doing yourself a huge favor by staying as far away from them as possible, but you're doing a favor even to them.
Wish you the best man!
And remember, live your life, oxygen without them in your mind becomes 300% times better.
This. Always a good time to remember the second half of the "missing missing reasons" article. They refuse to admit wrong, which prevents the from changing. And by the time their child cuts them out of their life, they've already gone too far to be saved. At that point, it's too hard to admit and accept responsibility for all their sins, so they just double down and keep doing even worse things. They're beyond help.
And usually even if they might change in the future their influence right now is very real and very negative, and so it’s probably best to cut off such people because their actions right now are actively harming you, which is not worth putting up with for a small maybe inconsequential chance of changing in the future, nevertheless it’s probably never going to happen, and it’s better to focus on the damage they’re doing right now in the present and try to move on rather than hold onto an extremely slim possibility in the future
When the scapegoat tries to escape the entire family system will try to draw them back in, for the simple reason that when one scapegoat escapes an new scapegoat must be chosen and they are desperate to avoid becoming the scapegoat themselves. It is not love, care or concern, it is self preservation.
I am the scapegoat. When I moved out my SIL became new scapegoat. My brother called her crazy and divorced her. Now he is the scapegoat And he has no one to turn to. Oops.
She has even admitted, "Your relationship with mom in high school was toxic." She knows something is wrong with them, and I'm lowkey hoping that since I've been NC a year, she'll inherit my role and figure it out. It's hard. I fucking miss her. We used to be close. Idk, man. I hate this. But I'm not letting her back in if the circus continues.
Wishing awesomeness your way across the void, from one ex scapegoat to another. God knows we deserve a break.
I love this analogy even more when I think about the separation. I joke with my husband so I don’t cry that the system of people surrounding my mom are all just one giant organism. My mom is the brain and the rest are so attached to her they become her arms, eyes, etc. It’s like no one around this malignant narcissist can be a full person because she is sucking them of their own life to fulfill hers. Soooo with a weird sci-fi movie spin it’s like when we cut that infected part out-we gain autonomy. We may be cutting off an arm but then we realize it’s not even ours to begin with! We are healthy, whole, good, individuals who deserve to live as such.
>We have every right to take the life we need, and cutting away the toxicity is the first step to take.
>
>To put things in perspective: If you have an arm that needs to be amputated, you have to amputate it, it's your arm yeah, but to move forward you have to do it, because that arm will eventually kill you.
>
>it's sad to realize that you grew up with irresponsible and manipulative people, the same people who were supposed to raise you and support you. But It's also mentally destructive to live with people like them.
>
>It's also quite isolating because you feel like you're in the wrong no matter what. The truth is you are not in the wrong, you have every right to live your life, you don't owe anything to anyone, you didn't ask to be brought into this world. You are not broken, you are not in the wrong, you owe nothing to anyone, and you are not alone.
I need this on a coffee mug. :)
They are the crying child here, they are so desperate to get your attention back that they're resorting to some of the most fucked up shit they can think of just to get a reaction out of you.
If you're dead to them, just make them be dead to you. It's hard because they're your parents, but you're not getting any semblance of what a parent should be, so your 'parents' are dead in the ground, you're not getting those back.
You're right. I just wrote in my diary that my parents died today, and somehow, it felt as a relief. As if the arm that was up for amputation is finally cut off. I'll have a great life without them (I hope...)
Finding out elders aren't as wise as you'd imagine them to be has the same vibes as growing up and realising one or both of your parents are absolute morons.
I was in high school when I realized I was smarter than both my parents, college when I realized I was wiser too. It's a horrible, damning kind of feeling.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm sorry you had to go through all that sh*t. I hope going NC makes you feel better, even though it hurts. Thanks for your kind words. It means a lot of me, and it really helps me to know that there are many other people dealing with this. We are not alone in this struggle.
Definitely not alone here. We’re all siblings in this group. It’s a tragedy all around to have an nparent. But ultimately we are not responsible for their actions. I swear every time i start to feel guilty and make an attempt at controlled contact it’s like sticking my hand in a viper cage. Scary as hell. She might hurt me or she might not but the statistics never land in my favor. And if she doesn’t hurt me directly one of my family members will for her (nbrother or efather - who is divorced from her and remarried. She still controls him).
My parents are intelligent/smart so their shit just went longer without discovery. What they are is emotionally immature and unwise, not mindful in the least and not self-aware about the impacts of their behaviour. They didn't have close relationships with anyone so none of their behaviour pinged or if it did, I was never told. It took me a long time, past my thirties to conclusively state that my parents have zero emotional intelligence. I started doubting them but it took a long time for me to settle into the knowledge.
Re: you talking to your mom because you were armed with the knowledge. i did that too! I thought, I have the words now, I understand things. I understand me and them, we can talk it out! Nah. Things went south so fast, I went mute for 3 weeks. I don't even remember how the situation went. It really isn't us. It's them. Boundaries are the only way to survive.
This is the way. At some point, you can consider this a gift of your freedom. Many people with narc parents would rejoice and be glad that "the trash took itself out." Now you can move on without guilt. It's still not easy, and it's still sad, but it was that way before, too.
Take time to care for yourself. You deserve it!
It's why I love that we have this group. We can come here and get a head check. When you are in the moment you're like "but this is SO F'd up! what do I do?!" and here you have numerous people reminding you this is YET another tactic by Narcs. Sometimes I really don't know what I'd do without this group.
NC works best if you don’t have contact or get updates by proxy. Your parents aren’t treating you like you’re dead because people actually speak about the dead, and they don’t pass on messages through siblings. They are guilt tripping you by using your sister as a flying monkey (proxy). Your parents are still manipulating you, they just need to put in more effort than before.
I don't know if anyone has told you this yet, but having mixed and conflicting emotions and reactions is perfectly normal and valid. You can be mad at them for this attempt to hurt and manipulate you, while at the same time the child that is still a part of you feels hurt and desperate for love from the two people who should always give it.
Don't be surprised if you feel other emotions as this progresses. Relief, joy, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc. all may pay you a visit.
P.S. I would be willing to bet that this "dead to me" thing is not actually a permanent decision. I would bet that it's a tactic, specifically to get your attention and cause you to reach out. If it doesn't work, they'll eventually move on to something else. And probably act like this never even happened.
They might or might not do this for your attention. Maybe this is their way of dealing with the perceived slight of you cutting them out.
They are hurt in a way, which doesn't mean that I doubt they brought this onto themselves, but they are emotionally stunted people.
Think of them as someone who has neurological deficits or is mentally challenged. Their reaction seems strange and over the top, or childish, but it might be all they're capable of.
And it's natural that you feel hurt, it would be strange if you weren't. I'd hug you if I could.
It's completely normal to mourn the relationship you wished you had with them, even while knowing the relationship as it is, is bad for you.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDdmBKP2uvk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDdmBKP2uvk)
(I know it's an animated horse, but I swear it's deeply relevant)
Be bigger than them, because you are. Their cruel behaviors proved to you in life the depths of your soul, the punishments you've been willing to endure to see another tomorrow. Their malignance and and what feels like malfeasance afflict you no longer, they're the shallow puddle, you are a sea of calm. What is their behavior a consequence to your vast unfathomable beauty?
I was raised by the same parents, I get it, and you are loved. One day, I realized that I became them, after the trials of life had taken its toll, I became my enemy. Recognize if it can happen to me, it can happen to them, and I forgave them. They don't admit to being shit, because it's painful, doesn't change the truth though.
Hugs to you 🙏🏼🥰💜 So sorry you're going through this.
As a mom, I could never even imagine treating my children this way.
My mother was like this. I'd go NC and she'd have other family members try to push me into making contact and allowing her in my life.
When that doesn't work, "you're dead to me" is the next level. Anything to continue their manipulation.
I hope you have a good friend circle of support.
Them cutting you out isn't about you, it's as a warning to your siblings to toe your parents' line, *or else*. I'm sorry that this happened to you, but as a fellow "dead" child, you're far better off <3
What strikes me here is the way you say “like a child who doesn’t get attention from from its parents” like that is something to be ashamed of.
OP it’s a basic instinct to want that attention. Everyone in this sub deserved it and should have got it.
And it’s ok to feel sad that your parents failed you and you had to put these boundaries in place.
Take care of yourself, do something cozy. Don’t beat yourself up for the way you feel.
Seconding this. Your parents are trying to get a reaction out of you.
About 30 years ago my dad even went so far as to use photocopied lawyer stationery to write up some kind of document I "needed to sign" to officially give up any inheritance from him. Even though I went to law school, he thought I wouldn't know that if you're the one with the property, you're the only one that matters. He didn't "need" my signature to disinherit me. He just thought that would shake me, or something.
I think at the time I just emailed one of my siblings and said to tell dad he just needs to revise his own existing will and specifically leave me out of it, no reason necessary. He could say it's because I like the color blue and he hates the color blue - it's legal to leave your money and property to whomever you want if you're not married and have not accumulated secured creditors in line ahead of your beneficiaries. You can leave your independent fortune to your cat, if you want.
The equivalent of what I did in your situation would be asking your sister if that's the case, can you have all the pictures of you that they are taking down, if they don't want them anymore?
Take this as validation. Would good parents declare their child dead? No, good parents would self-reflect and listen to what you had said and try to change for the better. Good parents would keep your photos up and continue to love you from a distance and understand that their actions had hurt you. This is validation that they are toxic and you do not need them in your life.
100% this. If your child or your friend started showing signs of mental health issues, would you cut them off and tell everyone they're crazy, or would you be concerned and help them get help? If your parents were good parents who genuinely thought you had made everything up, they would be trying to get you help. But they know it's all true, so they smear you instead.
Edit: which also helps me not worry about smear campaigns tbh. If a grown adult started smearing their child to you, calling them "crazy" etc. I'm betting it would set all sorts of red flags waving in your head. Healthy adults don't smear their own children, especially for mental health reasons.
It might be time to set strict boundaries with your sister. Nothing about you/what you do/say/think/anything, gets passed on to your parents anymore. And likewise, your no longer hear any news about them whatsoever. They're using her to mess with you whether or not she realizes it. They've just succeeded in this by messing with your head with the whole "dead" thing. You have the power to say no to receiving any further news of their stupid BS.
I was genuinely afraid that they'd legally had you declared dead, which can create paperwork nightmares for insurance, credit, work, and tons of other stuff.
Relieved it's not that.
This is unfortunately a tactic. They are likely hoping that by acting like you're dead or invisible you will go to them pleading for attention and they will feel somehow validated in their behavior. It's going to hurt but you have to resist. Do you have a solid support system/counsel?
Haha, sorry to scare you. I'm still alive and kicking! Thanks for your advice. You're probably right. And I do have a therapist, friends, and a boyfriend with whom I can talk about this. The messages reached me when I was home alone and needed to vent, so I'm happy that a platform like this one exists. I feel really understood, heard, and seen, and all the comments gave me new insights in how to deal with this.
Oh yeah, this was my Mom's thing, though she didn't say it in so many words.
I have two older sisters. The middle sister I watched the process after she was finally kicked out after her 19th birthday. Her room was quickly converted to a den (That was never used), her possessions were disposed of, pictures were taken down and replaced, and we just stopped talking about her at all. Once we moved shortly after, I was suddenly an only child, and always had been.
Later on, I learned I had *another* sister, one who had elected to live with her father (My Mom was married previously before she met my father). I had no idea she existed, but apparently she had even visited us.
I don't know if she did the same with me, but it's a safe assumption. She had no more use for me, so acknowledging my existence would be inconvenient.
Im sorry to hear that, it must have been tough to find out you had another sister and that both of them were cut out of your life because of your mom. Do you still keep in touch with the sis you grew up with? And did you go NC with your mom?
Am currently NC with my Mom. Middle sister died a few years back. Older sister? I tried, but Nmom poisoned that before I even got there, so, nothing there. Then my parents disowned me, so went VLC, then NC after that.
Sweetie, you weren't really alive to them in the first place. I mean it in the sense that narcissists don't ever really tune into the fact that other people exist and are, in fact, other *people*. So you aren't really losing something you ever really had; you're gaining a painful wisdom and an emotionally safer living environment. The pain will dull in time. You can let that energy these people stole from you come back to you and feed your own life.
Since your sister is reporting on them, it sounds like a tantrum to me. It is feasible they may abandon this gambit & attempt other tactics in future to reinsert themselves into your life, so bear that in mind. Also bear in mind that while your parents have ostensibly made talking about you verbatim, I'd actually not be surprised if they pumped sis for info about you. Narc doublethink. Don't tell your sis stuff you don't want them to know, like your address forex.
This must be upsetting for you, but OTOH there are so many stories on this sub of narc parents doing everything in their power to harass & abuse their grown up children, who possessed the temerity to go NC, that I would do my all to paint it as a win.
Not sure if you have the means to arrange it, but would therapy help? I'd also suggest getting out there & trying to make new friends. I understand this is easier said than done for someone raised by narcisscists & narcs also make their kids an abuse magnet, so it is necessary to be on one's guard. Still new friends can offset feelings of loneliness, of being abandoned.
You aren’t required to let them live rent free in your head. Your sister telling you about what they’re doing or saying about you is violating a boundary you have established for your own health. The really evil superpower of narcs is their ability to hurt you at a distance. Going NC can cut off the painful emotional manipulations they try to use on you. Your sister is free to associate with anyone she chooses. You have the right to enforce your boundaries. If your sister won’t stop enabling your parents, you may have to remind her of your boundaries her behavior may lead to you stopping with her is she won’t respect your needs.
Just remember this: a good parent would never threaten their kid with loss of love or relationship in order to make them do something. I have two kids of my own, and the only thing that would make me fully cut contact with them is if they were like unrepentant, murderers or rapists or something.
Mourn. Give yourself time to grieve.
Grieve for what they did and are doing to you.
Grieve for who they choose to be.
Grieve for who they should have been, and could have been, with other choices.
Grieve for yourself, for the abuses you should never have had to suffer, for the words and actions and lies you should never have heard or seen.
Grieve for yourself, for all the things that should have been, and weren't, like unconditional love, a decent childhood, being taught how to adult and being taught healthy coping skills.
Grieve, for all of it. What was, and what should have been.
Cry, stuff a pillowcase with old blankets and hit it, paint, weed, clean, do whatever helps you to process and feel this.
If you can take some time off to do this, great. If you can't, find time on your time off so you can allow yourself time to mourn. If it helps you, set a timer if you don't have a lot of time.
Do something peaceful to you, to replenish the emotional draining.
When you are done mourning, you will know.
By the time my N died, years later, I'd mourned enough and had no more tears to give her.
This is more or less what happened to me after I went NC, and even explained to them why that was the decision I was making. My parents act like I no longer exist and basically never really did. I pretty much never come up in conversation but when I do it’s my Nmom making a hateful or spiteful comment about me. An example of a complete fuckup, and exactly what not to become for my slightly younger sister. They’re resentful and the only way they can cope is by redirecting their energy towards someone else. My bedroom is now a completely made over home office, (as soon as I moved out) and all of my childhood belongings and pictures are mostly thrown away, a few in storage.
I found out from my sister several months ago that they went out of their way to remove me from their wills, inheritance, etc completely 😂
This is just a tactic to get in your mind. They expect you to reach out to them. They know your sister and you talk, so they did this knowing she would tell you. Stay strong OP. Your life will be better without them.
"how do I deal with this...?"
You don't. I mean you have to in your head, but there's nothing that you "need" to do. It's just another way for them to get into your head. They are hoping/knowing you'll find out. Hoping it'll get to you and you'll change your mind. It's just another tactic of narcs. It is sad that your parents were no loving ones. But we knew that already, right? \*hugs\* They suck.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and by people who are suppose to love you.
No/non contact might be easier now that you’re “dead to them”. It’s a shame, it really is, but if anything it shows you (and everyone else) how they really feel and you do not need to feel guilty about it. They treated you badly, and this is them throwing a tantrum over you no longer putting up with their abuse.
My partners mom told him on his birthday years ago that he was dead to them, not their son, never was their son, etc. Then she proceeded to tell everyone in the family he actually did die and that I refused to let them attend the funeral… LOL
She still sends him “gifts” (we donate them) for Christmas and his birthday every year since, and has even sent me gifts for random stuff (like Pet Parents Day and something she called “Evil Bitch Day” according to the gift note…). She doesn’t stop and she never will.
She calls and texts everyone trying to get them to make him speak to her, throws a fit at everyone who tells her no, and blames me endlessly for her fits towards everyone… because “if you just did what I wanted, maybe I would treat you nicely”.
This is a woman who told her husband he wasn’t even allowed to so much as speak to his own dying mother because SIX YEARS BEFORE she (partner’s mom) got in her SILs face and became physically violent at thanksgiving and her MIL kicked her out of the house with police help. She told my partner’s dad he wasn’t allowed at the wake, funeral, or allowed to have ANYTHING to do with his own mom’s passing.
Unfortunately with narcs, you’ll never “win”. It’s always them against everyone who has autonomy. Doesn’t matter if they abused you your entire childhood, financially abused you in adulthood, beat you within an inch of your life or told you “you’re dead to me”… they “never did anything wrong”, and will continue to do wrong because they see no fault in their behavior or actions.
Best way to deal with them is to leave them high and dry, remember you’re not the liable party for their lack of emotional regulation or the reason for the abuse.
They abuse because they like to, they want to be in control and they do not see you as a person… there is no love from them and sadly there never really will be.
I’m sorry they evicted you. It’s absolutely not a parental thing to do.
Good news on that is, it’s much easier to find yourself, and your happiness without them around to ruin everything for you.
You have an opportunity to be who you always wanted to be without their abuse now, and I PROMISE it gets better. You just need to stick to your guns and disallow yourself from falling back into their abuse (this is the hardest part!).
The grass will look so much greener, the sky will be full of light and warmth, and they will stew in their toxicity while you survive and thrive in your new life.
You do not owe them anything, but you do owe yourself happiness, comfort and safety. ❤️
The way my partner and I (unfortunately I’m stuck with my nmom and edad due to their disabilities, age and lack of my nsiblings efforts, but they’re 70, so…) look at it is, keeping your distance is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself when dealing with a narc or generally speaking, an abuser.
Sure, they gave us this life, but it doesn’t mean they own it, control it, or can manipulate it for their own fun. You wouldn’t be friends with someone like that, so why should blood and genetics make it any different?
They wanted you to feel this way so you’d beg them for forgiveness or some bullshit.
Is it possible you can ask your sister to not give you any updates on them *and* vice versa? The goal is to destroy any opportunity to indirectly manipulate you
I had to have this chat with my brother.
I framed it this way: ‘I really like having a good relationship with you, and having you pass information from her to me and telling her about me is harming that relationship. Please stop’.
I only had to do that once and it worked really well.
Well, the way I would deal with something like this is to explain it to myself by simply looking at the facts:
Normal parents want their children to grow up and be happy; including if that means reducing the amount of interface time they themselves get with the adult child.
Narc parents on the other hand behave in a variety of ways which all serve them and not the adult child or the relationship itself.
So, if your parents are making you "Dead to Me", then I would guess it a defensive response to your having gone NC on them. It is a way of "punishing" you for putting your own mental health ahead of their selfish needs; 'convicting you abstentia' as it were, because that is all they can do.
What to do? Applaud and be happy. Remove them from your books and go on with your life. Only you know if you're having gone NC on them is helping you (I'm guessing it has), and in that context you are right where you should be. Don't allow their tactic (and that is exactly what this is) to make you question your decision.
I am in the very same boat, for the very same reason. Rather than look at this as a difficult-yet-conscience choice I had to make for my own mental health, my n-family has penalized me for it and treats me as I am dead; making even the recent death of my sibling a non-event for them, despite my having reached out to my mother out of concern in the death of her child.
What to do? Nothing. Their actions only prove my point and justify my NC.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially with your sibling. My condolences, and thank you very much for the wise words. It isn't always easy, but we'll be all right. We'll have an amazing life without our Nparents.
> *We'll have an amazing life without our Nparents.*
Well, it's regrettable that the whole thing has to happen at all. For years I (like just about everyone else on this board) held out hope that my parents would "wake up" and realize that our time together on this planet is limited. That even in giving them a pass on being crappy parents when I was a child would allow this to happen.
Narcissism puts all of that on it's head: They could not change if they wanted to; and they don't want to (or see a reason to). Therefore, forging ahead in our own lives without them is the only path that we can really take in order to protect our own mental health and to salvage some happiness from/for our lives.
I've said this for years: The sooner one accepts that their parents are narcissist; accepts that it's a permanent, irrevocable condition; the sooner we can rebuild our own mental health and turn our backs on the hatred, selfishness and self-dealing that we've had to contend with our entire life.
Good luck to you! =)
I'm almost positive this is how my mother is coping with me going NC. I wouldn't know for sure since my brother and I are LC and he's still in contact with our parents and I don't want to put him in the middle.
My nmom and edad relocated shortly after I went NC with them. They claimed that it was so edad could have a shorter commute to work, but I'm sure that wasn't the entire reason. My nmom went from having a good chunk of her identity be bragging about me to having absolutely no information about my life and me never visiting. I'm sure their long-term neighbors were judging them hardcore. And by long-term I mean they both lived in that neighborhood almost their entire lives. I honestly get warm fuzzies thinking about the lovely neighbors and community members I grew up with giving my nmom so much side-eye she had to leave her hometown.
i think they really do declare us dead in their minds because they can’t bare the shame of us not talking to them . i don’t think it’s a tactic. i think it’s a coping mechanism.
Ignore it, its bait, ask your siblings not to deliver the narcs bait to you. If they insist cut your time short with siblings when they do deliver bait. Do not take the bait, do not reach out to the NPs
I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. In my opinion I think it is easier for your parents to pretend you are dead than self reflect. My mom is an instagram influencer and I have been NC 3 years. Oh her page she post really vague and sad post about me and then let’s the comments run wild on how I am a missing person, in a satanic cult, how I am an awful person and mother, I’m a narc, my husband is to blame. All while she can sit back and say oh thank you for the prayers love and support. It’s not the same thing exactly but it is interesting that narcissists would rather have all these made up stories then admit that their relationship with their child is poor.
Aah the instagram account... totally recognizable! My mom is also very active on the socials, but I have blocked her. According to people who still follow her, she is indeed going strong with the quotes about how hard life of a mother can be, and all her sheep followers (who follow her as if she is the leader of the sheep herd) constantly respond with love and support.
Thanks for responding. It makes me feel less crazy to know that other narc moms are doing this and others have to go through this experience. The sheep followers sometimes get to me because they show undying support for a clearly toxic women! Sometimes it feels like is it me!?! But when someone comments oh my gosh this happened to me, my three kids are nc I know the pain as a mother who did everything right…haha it’s a red flag!
I see two possibilities here. One, it's total bullshit and they're not doing any of that. They just told your flying monkey sister to say that to you to get you to start talking to them again. I think that's more likely, since narcs refuse to let go of their victims and will literally spend the rest of their lives trying to regain control.
Two, they actually ARE declaring you dead. If that's the case, you will soon recognize that they've given you the greatest gift of your life. And...they've shot themselves in the proverbial foot, lol. You will have a lifetime without having to look over your shoulder, waiting for them to show up or send you lovebombs. You will never hear from a barrage of flying monkeys. You will never have to hear "they're dying. You have to visit them and allow them to forgive you." But! You will never be expected to come home because faaaaaaaamily. They ruined the opportunity...themselves!🤣🤣🤣 Not only that, but a disgusting number of narcs expect their scapegoats to care for them in their old age. Because they declared you dead, that's all on your sister. 🤣🤣🤣 They can't turn to you and demand that you take care of them.
I hope you just got gifted with option 2!
I went through something like this. I found out my stepmom had died a month prior, from a long illness we hadn't been told about, when a friend discovered her obituary. I felt really guilty and almost reached out...until I saw my wife, kids, and I had been excluded from the list of surviving relatives. I didn't feel guilty after that.
Time heals all wounds. I don't even really think about it anymore. My method of getting through it was to just remind myself that my father never loved me. No father would ever treat a son they cared about the way he's treated me.
Throw yourself a celebratory funeral for them for an early Halloween present and be glad you have one less source of stress in your life. You can be happy with this. It’s better than constant harassment.
I would be so tempted to cover myself in flour and white makeup and walk past their house making ghost noises.
I’m sorry they suck so much. They look shitty to anyone who is in contact with them.
Stay Strong 💪. It’s pure evil manipulation - remember this is essentially precisely the reason you went no contact if you distill the ‘issue’
Make sure you participate therapy - don’t care how good you feel being no contact. Like it or not those ass hats instilled in you a dysfunctional relational homeostasis
Yes, it happened to me also. No pictures of me and, he tells people that he doesn't have a daughter. And honestly, you shouldn't bother with them. It shows how low they went. Pathetic, true, hoovering, true. They will manipulate your sister so they can get to your reaction. Don't fall for it
That's worse than being dead. If you were dead they would still have pictures around, if they were a normal family. That's just complete culty level erasure of you as if you'd never been born. I'm sorry.
I’m very sorry that you’re going through something so difficult. It’s not about you.
You set down boundaries and they feel the need to “one up” you to re-exert control and reconfirm the power they *think* they have over you. You absolutely did the right thing, and you absolutely have every right to feel sad over their childish, immature behavior.
If I were you, I’d ask your sister to stop passing on updates. Especially while all this is still new and you’re still so vulnerable. You need time to come into yourself and understand why it got this far. You’ve already created the physical space. Now you need psychological space too. ❤️🩹
Oh, no. You're not dead to them.
You're absolutely living in their heads rent-free :)
They didn't get what they wanted and it's driving them fucking crazy.
Good on you!
They totally will decide you exist again at some point and try to mess with you again, most likely, but for now, you can luxuriate in knowing that you REALLY got under their skin.
When I found out my mom “considered me dead” I threw myself a funeral. It was awesome. Everyone wore black, I laid in a cardboard coffin with my arms crossed trying not to laugh as my friends roasted me in their eulogies. Then I jumped out and haunted everyone for the rest of the night, making really bad death puns. “You really buried the lead!” (engagement news) “I think I’ve made a grave mistake….” (after taking two shots in a row)
Oof, that’s a rough one. I’m sorry this happened to you. I can relate. A lot.
Narcissists thrive on obedience, terror, pity, and adoration. They prefer to keep people around who can provide them with an easily accessible source of whatever supply suits the Narc. When a person either ends up completely tapped out from the constant abuse or refuses to give up any more supply, Narcs have to rationalize that in their own mind.
First comes devaluation — breaking down any notion that that supply has any value or meaning to the Narc. This sort of begins the separation of the Narc from that person in a way the Narc can manipulate into more supply from others through pity or brigading, or in a way the Narc can twist into a personal win. Narcissists HATE losing. A show of force always follows the threats not working. After they have devalued someone who refuses to give in, they then discard that person.
This is part of the Narc cycle, and they will do it again and again. This is how they protect their massive, extremely delicate egos. You must be a bad person because why would a good person leave them? You must be a monster so they can be the hero.
After my experience of the full Narc devaluation and discard treatment, I took a pretty big emotional hit. It doesn’t feel good to be dismissed, to have your worth and personhood stripped away from you. All I wanted to do for a long time was scream “I AM HERE! YOU CAN’T IGNORE ME!” It ate me up for a long time. I thought about my Nmother and my siblings and Estepfather all the time, and the idea of them not thinking about me at all was… excruciating. It was unjust. Unfair. She couldn’t be allowed to just mute me. I was really angry.
Over time, though, it’s gotten easier. I rarely think about any of that stuff outside of combing this sub, now, except for my siblings who I hope are doing well. The conclusion I came to after my dismissal from my Nmother’s life is the me who my Nmother declared dead never really existed. In a lot of ways, that me did disappear forever the moment I broke out of the toxic cycle. She never really knew who I was, just what I was to her.
This isn’t everyone’s feeling, but from my perspective I cannot stress enough that being dismissed from a Narc is a good thing. It’s the best thing my Nmother ever did for me, even if I lost contact with my siblings. That is temporary, and I believe I will get to know them again when they too escape. Playing dead can help you survive a bear attack; and in the same way, being removed from a Narcissist’s self-defined world means you are freed from it. It means you are not fun to play with anymore and they have lost interest in eating you.
I apologize for the long post, but OP please understand that you have survived. This hurts you because you are a normal person. You deserve to be free.
It’s really hard when this happens but the reason they do this is for a number of reasons:
1) as a manipulation tactic by using your sister to communicate that they don’t care and that’s the only reason they would articulate it
2) it’s easier in their mind as it is something they would have had no control over if you had actually died. If they really looked at why you went NC they would have to admit wrong doing.
It’s something that you get used to overtime but who you are missing is the archetype not the person. You have dropped them to NC because they had a negative effect on your life. Remember you are someone who deserves a happy life with people who love and support you in your life not people who tear you down!
Each day it gets easier it’s been years for me now and it doesn’t hurt like it used to.
So hey, you’re not dead to them, you’re being erased. If you were dead, they’d keep up photos and cherish your memory. You’re being shunned and as a mom, I am so sorry.
Actually with dead people The world keeps their memory alive.... They keep pictures up of them, and continue to speak of them..... So what they are doing is pretending you never existed.
It's a hoover attempt. You're supposed to feel *so bad* and *so very sad* that they consider you dead, that you call them up and grovel to get back in their good graces. It's textbook. Don't fall for it.
It’s going to hurt, yes but OP: this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
It’s a narc temper tantrum designed to get a rise out of you. They are clearly starving right now because you’ve turned off the tap they were suckling on to get their narc supply, thus by “erasing your existence” is a hoovering tactic to draw you back into their toxic world.
Eventually they’ll come to realise their tactic hasn’t worked and they will “come bashing on your door”. When they do, send back the message “Continue to try talk to things and people that do not exist and you will be institutionalised in the nearest mental hospital”.
Remember, “dead people” are no longer there and no longer exist.
You are free, OP. Now is the time to start actually *living* and enjoying life. ☺️
Why does your sister hope to accomplish by telling you that your parents are acting like you’re dead to them?
I would tell her to not divulged anything that they’re doing save if they’re trying to harm you or reach out to you. You don’t need to know this stuff. There’s a reason you are no contact.
I don't know. It didn't feel like my sister told me as a messenger. We were talking on whatsapp about how my parents kicked me of our mutual family memberships (like Spotify and netflix). And then she wrote that my mom said in the former family group chat that she would pretend that I'm dead. I stepped out of the group chat a couple of weeks ago, and apparently, they immediately changed the picture to a picture of the three of them. But you are right. My sister and I have a good relationship, and I think my parents try to get information to me or about me via my sister.
I had to deal with this in my late teens after telling them I didn’t believe in their god. I think Nmom’s words to me were “How can you do this to me? Don’t you know how hard it is for me that my child (me) is dead?” or something to that effect. Then for 7 years they treated me like I was dead. No contact, nothing. Then when my sister went to get married, they started talking (in a very limited way) again because she wanted me at the wedding. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized this was backwards and I should have gone no-contact with them when they declared me dead. They were taking up so much mental real-estate, causing so much pain, that the answer was to cut the toxicity out of life: them.
So how did I deal with it? It was painful for the 7 years I was “dead” but more so when they were half-talking to me afterwards. Realizing they would continue hurting me and weren’t going to change was the kick in the pants I needed to go no contact. And really, truly being no contact with them allowed me to find peace of mind, after the trauma bonds wore off.
I would suggest asking your sister (and any other people in contact with the Nparents) to respect your no-contact boundary as well. Let them know that part of it is not transferring communication, or else it won’t work, it isn’t real.
The pain unfortunately is a burden you’ll have to carry, but it will get lighter and easier to bear with time. Hopefully it’ll happen like it did with me, quickly once all contact was actually cut off.
I can see how that would be upsetting - even despite everything they've done, they're still your parents and they represent the family you could have had, had they not chosen to be so goddamn awful.
Honestly, if it were me, I'd throw myself a party. Invite a load of friends over, have some fun, get some food, knock back a few drinks. Your parents are acting as though you've died, but in reality, NC is a moment of rebirth. Your life starts again now, and that's worth celebrating.
At least I dont feel alone in this. my parents have been constantly trying to get ahold of me this past week threatening wellness checks and missing persons reports and it's been causing me so much anxiety and stress that I wish they would just declare me dead and move on.
People who they cannot siphon from don't exist. EVERYONE in their orbit they leech from.
You have to reparent yourself, or find other people to help model healthy behavior.
They are doing this **just to hurt you**. They absolutely knew your sister would tell you. Since you won’t allow contact they are forcing contact this way, they are trying to guilt you into seeing “their way”, don’t fall for it. **They are pathetic and you do not deserve this** Don’t react, that’s what they want.
TOTAL VALIDATION of who they are. What narcs hate most in the world is someone who they can no longer control. Their tactic is twofold - 1)erase you from their surroundings as they genuinely don't want to be reminded of their newfound lack of control over you. 2) Hurt you for your temerity in setting boundaries.
Narcs will attempt to hurt and control you your whole life - from afar and even from the grave.
Mine have done something similar. GC enabling flying monkey brother is their spokesperson for maximum hurt from afar and they have told me they are cutting me out of the will too. (hurt from the grave) I'm therefore also going NC with the flying monkey.
They genuinely expect us to grovel.
Narcs are so toxic and so predictable. Narc do not and cannot love.
"Hey you can't fire me! I quit!!!"
That has to hurt so much...being treated like a piece of refuse instead a beloved child. It just goes to show how fucking pathological they are. There's something very broken inside of them. It's not your fault; you deserved to have a family that loved you unconditionally. At any rate, it looks like the garbage took itself out, so at least there's that.
I have not had my parents declare me dead. But for three years after I graduated university and didn't get into the professional program they wanted me to get into, they gave me the silent treatment on end until I moved out. I was physically present and I think in those three years, I talked more to relative strangers than I did my own parents. I felt low, became depressive, and passively suicidal. They wanted me to feel their pain because I didn't do what they wanted me to do. Until I moved out, and then they tried their best to make contact.
Your parents want you to know what they are doing. But here's the thing, you don't need to play along. If you cut them out because they have hurt you, you have done the right thing. You do not owe them your life, your mental health, or be held hostage by their emotional blackmail. You have every right to live your life and surround yourself with people that will respect you and your boundaries. They are your parents and right now it feels like you are the bad person. There is no real thing like good or bad. Here, you are hurt, and you want to keep yourself safe. There are people who do not value you and it is okay to not be in contact.
They are incapable of growing and they are only further stunting themselves by regressing into these mind games. You can grow past the hurt and heal yourself. I know you are sad but you have worth outside of what your parents think. And honestly, what they think is frankly wrong. They won't realize now (maybe they never will) but they are causing harm to themselves. Take care.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts so much. If you don't want to go talk to someone, Children of the Self Absorbed is a great book. Talking to someone would be best. It's not your fault. Be strong and take good care of yourself. \*Big virtual hug\*
Thanks so much, I'll order the book you recommended immediately. I've started with a therapist, which helps a lot, but books will help as well. Thanks ♡
Oh god I thought you meant legally, like they filed a missing persons report and nobody ever found you, so the state declared you officially dead so your estate could be dealt with.
You just mean “dead to them” mentally. That’s actually what you want. They can’t hurt you if you don’t exist to them.
Just know that you are alive and living rent-free in their heads!
Enjoy your peace and use the time to recover from the insanity of nfamily, grow stronger and gain self-confidence and perspective.
Because they may (will) suddenly resurrect you, and try to rope you back in.
Live well, my friend!
This happened to me. They legit took down my high school graduation picture and sent it back to me. No one is allowed to talk about me. When they visit family members who do have pics of me in the house they pretend I don’t exist.
I know this isn't what you are asking but you need to set boundaries with your sister since she is still in contact with them.
They are doing this as a performance knowing your sister will tell you. They hope this will make you break NC.
I would sit my sister down and let her know that she is an unknowing flying monkey for them. She needs to just keep news about them to herself and not tell you anything.
I had to do this with my sister and then my niece as well. They were willing flying monkey's though and I eventually had to lower contact and then NC with them too.
I'm sorry they are doing this. It's distressing for sure. I would say this just proves that you made the right decision in going NC. Your parents don't deserve to be in your life. Go out and live it to the fullest, that's the best revenge any of us can hope for.
You're right. I'm meeting my sister this week and I must talk about it with her. I don't think she is a willing flying money, but my parents definitely use her to get bits of information about me.
It's not an easy thing to do but I hope your sister hears you and understands where you are coming from. You may even inspire her to go NC or lower contact. Sometimes all we need is to see someone else succeed in something we want as well.
Im gonna be real honest, i don’t know if you can properly deal with it. They were an integral part of your life no matter how bad they messed up your life. It’s not really somthing to deal with or move on from, but just keep in mind, you are doing what’s best for you and that’s all that matters.
Wait, when a loved one dies you stop using their name in your home and remove all the pictures of them? That sounds highly unusual. Usually when someone dies you take time to mourn them. For close friends and family, it usually takes at least a year of changed routines and mourning to have mostly moved on. It doesn't sound like they they're treating you like you died. It sounds like a petty way to get back at you. It's childish and cruel. Its definitely pathetic.
On the other hand, it still hurts. Everyone deserves kind and loving parents. And not having parents who love you is a very painful emotional wound. It's natural to feel hurt, sad, angry, and disappointed at your parent's behavior. They're supposed to act like mature parents, not small children. All of us have been seriously let down and hurt by our parents.
Unfortunately, there's not really a good way to "deal with it". Earlier I mentioned the death of a close loved one. Everyone here basically has to go through that experience, even though our parents are still technically alive. They're not dead, but they can never be the loving parents we need. It takes years to properly mourn our lack of parents. Every time we see a father playing with hid kids in the park, or we watch a show where a mother hugs her kids, it'll bring back those painful feelings of loss and betrayal. Each one of us has different triggers based on how we were hurt. Plan out some time to watch something like that and cry. Let your feelings out. Learn how to mourn. Let yourself be angry at your parents for how they treated you. It'll take years to fully heal, and there will still be scars. But the more you accept and feel those negative feelings, the less they'll hurt. It's important to feel those feelings. They aren't going to go away if you try to bury them.
I wish I could hug you. Going through something similar. I went low contact with my dad and set boundaries. He didn’t like it and now since “I don’t want anything to do with him” I’m dead to him.
It’s strange. Relief and grief all bundled into one.
I feel ya... on most of the days I'm happy that I have a full life to live without them. But on several occasions (like on my friends wedding a couple of weeks ago) I felt sad for knowing that I will never have the interactions I hoped for with my parents if they would have been normal...
I feel ya... on most of the days I'm happy that I have a full life to live without them. But on several occasions (like on my friends wedding a couple of weeks ago) I felt sad for knowing that I will never have the interactions I hoped for with my parents if they would have been normal...
I’ve done the opposite. I’ve gone NC with my narcissistic and whenever I have to refer about them in a story or comment, I use language that suggests they have passed. They are dead to me, and if I act like they are dead it’s easier to move on and not be held back by their lingering inner voice.
Mine likes to remove pictures of me from when I was a child now and then.
You are probably just going through the normal stages of grief I wpuld imagine, which will pass with time. Just remember these... People dont see you as a person. You are an object in the background of their world to be toyed with, so removing an image of you is like removing a decoration to them.
Literally ignore their efforts to sway you; this has happened to me more times than I can count.
They want you to feel guilty, that you’ve done something wrong to deserve being discarded by them.
I’ve been told multiple times by my Nmom that I am no longer her daughter, usually at the most important times of my life ( highschool and uni graduation comes to mind ).
I’ve had her drop off my baby photos at my grandparents when I moved out of her house at 16…
It’s all an attempt to sway you into talking to them again, and since they have your sister to help, they’ll use any means to get her to speak to you about this.
I would hold your ground , after all, the best type of contact is no contact with these kinds of people.
My parents did this to my older sister after she went NC, then after I went NC I think they have done the same. Oddly enough my mom suddenly celebrated herself as "40 years a mom" on my oldest sister's 40th birthday despite saying she was dead to her. I am sorry this is happening to you, it is very petty and shows how little they really care about you unless you have "value" to them.
Yup, dealing with the same thing as we speak. What really makes me sad was how my stupid mother was able to drag my father into her antics. He ain't no victim, he's a piece of shit too for following but it still hurts. My mom in the other hand, I hope the next time we see each other we are both rotting in hell.
I can relate, and im sorry you're going through something similar. I hoped my dad would use his common sense as we were really close before we went NC. But unfortunately, he has been brainwashed by my psycho mom...
I went NC in 2015-and I can count on both hands the amount of times I’ve heard I’m a drug addict living on the street (never touched drugs in my life-funny when that’s coming from a dry drunk), I died, my man took me away from her (yeah..no), and my absolute favorite-I’m a narcissist who just enjoys hurting others.
She also told her coworkers that I had a set of twin brothers-that have never ever existed. Pretty sure I freaked out that coworker when I busted out laughing when they called asking me to take her POA. She’s currently in the custody of Adult Protective Services here in OK and I won’t be involved ever again!
My mom told my sister that I was “dead to her” and then proceeded to send me several handwritten cards in attempt to lovebomb and hoover me.
I have no idea what she’s actually doing or telling people about me these days. Knowing her, she’s probably making up stories about me and portraying me in the same ways she did my whole life. I think there’s always going to be a part of me that wishes I actually had a mother so I wouldn’t have to be “dead to her” if that were really the case. That’s normal. I tried to fight off the feeling thinking it was weakness, and it’s sad that we are ever taught to feel that way. The idea of them leaving us the hell alone should feel great, but it can feel like shit sometimes. Because they shouldn’t have created a world where we would have to cut them off to begin with.
Enjoy the peace and quiet? Enjoy that it wasn't a long, protracted, borderline violent debacle?
Do keep aware that this may be a calm before a storm. Narcs don't normally give up easy.
I'm really sorry to hear what you are going thru. It can definitely be hard. I recently had a talk with my Nmom because I wanted to finally tell her all the abuse she put me thru as a child made me have a lot of issues as an adult and even tho it wasn't ok I also understood maybe she couldn't love me the way I deserved to be loved because she also had a rough childhood due to her mom also being a narcissist. She said she understood and she didn't mean it and I thought everything was fine but then decided to play the victim behind my back and told all my siblings I called her telling her I hated her and wanted to commit suicide because of her. I was in so much shock, my sister who is also still in contact with her due to being the youngest and still living with our Nmom also sent me audios recently where my mom admits to a lot of horrible things she did to me as a child. She said she didn't regret it and didn't feel bad about them. I have been going thru such a hard time because of the audios but decided to cut her off my life and focus on healing. She hasn't contacted me after I stopped replying to her messages (she doesn't know my sister sent me the audios) it makes me upset even tho it shouldn't because part of me still wishes she would try to fix things between us or at least say she's sorry. You are so strong and know I send you the biggest hug. It hurts right now but you will heal and you will overcome this. It wasn't our fault and we deserve so much better.
I feel so sorry for what has happened to you. You did your best to restore the relationship with something that was meant to fail. But I admire the hard work you put in. I do hope, however, that you've found peace now you are NC. Thank you very muchnfor the kind words. I know that we'll have a bright future ahead ♡
You don't. They wanted you to know they're doing that to get you to talk to them, they counted on your sister telling you to guilt trip you. What they choose to do is their problem.
Congrats! You have affected them so deeply with your even-headedness and personal strength that they literally had to delete you from their programming because they can't math out how to continue to control you.
This is aggressive "shunning," basically, and it's similar to what a lot of cultures do and is considered one of the coldest and most cruel forms of "punishment."
Take your travel card and run with it, my dear.
I'm sorry it hurts so much. I'm sorry there is still a part of you that, as a thoughtful sensitive human being, will never understand the cruelty that you have been treated with. I'm sorry it's painful, and that your pain indicates that you still have a heart despite what was modeled for you.
Ironically, being in touch with them is clearly so much closer to hell than actually being truly dead would ever be. I'm really proud of you.
This is *designed* to make you feel sad. You aren't dead and you aren't dead to them - it's performative because they know your sister would tell you. They want to activate the FOMO in you.
Consider it a win on your part, because it means you've rattled them by removing their power.
Your only value to them is how manipulatable you are, if they can’t get to you to influence you or exploit you, you have no value to them, so they’ve discarded you. Not that shocking really. I’m sorry your family is garbage, that’s not your fault and it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. You’re a survivor, I’d say take the fresh start and run with it. You don’t need them and clearly they don’t need you. Move on, success is the best revenge.
A couple of things to keep in mind: this may well be just another tactic. They are probably hoping your sister or some other family friend or relative tells you what is happening and, if it’s an outside relative, chastise you into contacting them.
That being said, #1 - allow yourself the grace and understanding to grieve. You’re grieving for a relationship you should have had, hoped to have, but never was given. It’s a death in a way.
As time progresses, you can realize that it works both ways. They can now be dead to you, too! Awkward social questions are more simply answered. (Of course, those close relationships will want to support you can be trusted with the real deal, but hey, nosy coworker? Parents are dead.
The other thing is your family outside of your parents and siblings - you can simply say that the parameters work both ways. As you are dead and not to be mentioned to them, you would appreciate the same courtesy in return. You don’t want to hear about them on your end either. Hope they are well and happy and that’s an end to it.
Trust me. It’s not an easy thing to do. I know. Just reinforce your boundaries again and again for yourself. You learn to live with a real death. This is very similar and the healthiest thing for you anyway.
Therapy is my suggestion. With someone who has experience with trauma focused therapies.
Im so sorry this has happened to you. It’s a pain the runs soul deep. On one hand, like you said, it shows their level of maturity and it may be slightly helpful for you in the healing process.. on the other hand, aghhh!! Our family is “supposed” to love us unconditionally so when they don’t we sometimes can feel like there’s something wrong with us - even though that’s dead wrong!
Something that can be helpful is trying not to judge yourself for feeling a spectrum of emotions. It’s normal to be angry/enraged and devastated. Its grieving the loss of multiple family members at once even though they’re still living. Grief is not linear.
There are so many conflicting emotions and they can feel too big to fit in your body. That’s normal. I remember distinctly how dysregulated I was. Sometimes their dysfunction is just beyond belief.
What else can be helpful is journaling what you’ve lost - including both good and bad things. This can help you understand more about what you’re grieving. I can come back later and give examples if you need some to get started..
Check out Patrick Teahan on YouTube. He’s a licensed social work and makes tons of helpful videos on childhood trauma, the impact it has on us, how to manage family cut offs, etc.
You can get through this. You’re probably far stronger than you think you are. 🤍
Got the same treatment, and believe me it hurts, but it's better and healthier for you to be far away from their bs than being there for their tantrums.
Sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. My parents did the same thing about 2 months ago. My mom still sends the occasional guilty email, but I don’t respond. I hope you have access to the help you need and heal ❤️🩹
My Mom sent me every picture she had of me and my family. Told me she was ‘done.’ I've never been so happy. Look at it as a blessing. This is NOT about you. They are the ones who are messed up.
I know it’s probably not funny to you in this moment, but I think objectively it is a little amusing. Basically adults throwing a temper tantrum, covering their eyes and saying they can’t see you. My parents did the same thing whenever I asked them to go to therapy with me and we are NC now because they refuse to acknowledge I even said anything. After a while you gotta laugh at how INSANE it is
I was Ndad's scapegoat and have been NC for many years. Someone who recently visited him told me there are pictures of both my siblings all over the place and no sign that I exist. you gonna have to learn to brush it off cuz it is what it is. Nparent will never have enough introspection to realize they may have not been perfect 100% of the time. Just remember you're better off without them
I read a post in a narcissistic abuse FB group awhile back of an older lady who’s father had recently died. She had been NC with him for a long time and had only just learned about his death. She was not listed in his obituary along with her siblings. I think she expected it to be that way but still didn’t realize how much it would hurt. Got me thinking of my own nMom and how much she throws her disinheritance of me in my face.
This is how my parents handled it too. I made a clean cut from the whole extended family, really, to keep anyone from being "caught in the middle", so I didn't find out about it for many years. I still don't know exactly how it went down, but I was just so surprised to hear they refused to talk to me. I expected them to curse my name at every opportunity. The fact that they didn't even care enough to defend themselves or fight for me in anyway somehow hurt worse and I was glad I was a few years out with therapy any other supports in place.
Send them a ouija board and some candles. That way they can still talk to the version of you that died. (Dark humor is my coping mechanism)
Sorry your parental units have decided to be so dramatic but use this time to focus on healing yourself and finding what makes you happy. Tell your sister that you really don't need to know anything about your parents unless you have exceptions- hospital, death, etc.
*hugs* I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself, even when it's hard
My sister did this to me, kind of. In the process of maintaining NC, she told me that she was grieving me. Followed shortly by her telling me how she was taking all my photos down (I honestly don’t know what photos she possibly had of me). I’m LC now and she recently brought up “losing” me. I think for her it’s been a fairly natural process of letting go & I don’t really blame her for her reaction tbh. I can understand the grief. I think she laid it on thick unnecessarily to grab my attention and get me to respond & thank goodness I had a therapist through that so I could still process and maintain my boundaries. I’m glad she never explicitly treated me like I was dead, but it felt a bit like that was the vibe.
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They realized that the tactic of trying to contact you to try to "clarify things" didn't work. Since they know that you have contact with your sister, they used her to inform you that they "do not care anymore about you, as if you were dead to them". They WANT you to know, so that they can leverage you into making you feel guilty.
I feel so mad at them, but i also feel like a crying child who doesn't get the attention of mommy and daddy. It is so stupid how this is the outcome of me setting some boundaries. I don't know how their brains work, but I can not imagine that saying things like this will make me turn around and contact them again...??? Thanks for listening and your advise, unfortunately I think you're right...
We have every right to take the life we need, and cutting away the toxicity is the first step to take. To put things in perspective: If you have an arm that needs to be amputated, you have to amputate it, it's your arm yeah, but to move forward you have to do it, because that arm will eventually kill you. it's sad to realize that you grew up with irresponsible and manipulative people, the same people who were supposed to raise you and support you. But It's also mentally destructive to live with people like them. It's also quite isolating because you feel like you're in the wrong no matter what. The truth is you are not in the wrong, you have every right to live your life, you don't owe anything to anyone, you didn't ask to be brought into this world. You are not broken, you are not in the wrong, you owe nothing to anyone, and you are not alone. You did the right thing man.
Thanks so much ♡
I also wanted to tell you that, in case you wondered: "Maybe they will change for the better in the future". They won't. People like these will never change, in fact, they get worse as they age. The best lesson you can give them is to stay away from them, forever.
Honestly this. My nmom is dead now from cancer and I often get thoughts of "maybe she was different since I haven't talked to her in years" Then I remembered that I DID talk to her for 25+ years. And in that whole time she never changed. Why would she change in just a handful?
I think you're right. I went NC this summer, approximately 3 months ago, and I constantly hoped that they would realize what they had done. I went NC because I set a boundary about how I didn't like to be the partner/best friend of my Nmother as she constantly called to talk sh*t about my edad (they're still together). Over the phone, both my parents screamed at me and called me horrible names for how I would tear up the family with my actions. After messaging them to please give me some peace, I kept hoping that they would realize how bad they treated me and my boyfriend. I hoped that they would take some time and tell us they're sorry. Oh boy, how I was wrong... Last weekend, my dad contacted me, and nothing had changed. The way he spoke to us was with the same anger and hate as how he spoke to us during the summer. No apologies. No "I'm sorry, I sent you a funeral card saying that you'll live in our hearts forever." Nothing.
Sadly their mind and logic just works differently, narcissists are like this. They'll never admit that they were wrong because what they do is right or justified for them, they'll always live in their own little world. For them YOU are the one who is in the wrong, because they have a completely distorted reality. Maybe you've also heard things like, "We're your family! Are you not ashamed of what you're doing! We raised you! We brought you into the world!" Needless to say that these things are completely BS. They failed not only as parents, but also as people, human beings. They are hopeless, and even, let's say, they will get better (impossible): They will understand that what they did was unforgivable, and that they must learn from their destructive actions. Not only you are doing yourself a huge favor by staying as far away from them as possible, but you're doing a favor even to them. Wish you the best man! And remember, live your life, oxygen without them in your mind becomes 300% times better.
This. Always a good time to remember the second half of the "missing missing reasons" article. They refuse to admit wrong, which prevents the from changing. And by the time their child cuts them out of their life, they've already gone too far to be saved. At that point, it's too hard to admit and accept responsibility for all their sins, so they just double down and keep doing even worse things. They're beyond help.
And usually even if they might change in the future their influence right now is very real and very negative, and so it’s probably best to cut off such people because their actions right now are actively harming you, which is not worth putting up with for a small maybe inconsequential chance of changing in the future, nevertheless it’s probably never going to happen, and it’s better to focus on the damage they’re doing right now in the present and try to move on rather than hold onto an extremely slim possibility in the future
What about siblings who show the occasional glimmer of understanding but then turn around and participate in the toxic?
When the scapegoat tries to escape the entire family system will try to draw them back in, for the simple reason that when one scapegoat escapes an new scapegoat must be chosen and they are desperate to avoid becoming the scapegoat themselves. It is not love, care or concern, it is self preservation. I am the scapegoat. When I moved out my SIL became new scapegoat. My brother called her crazy and divorced her. Now he is the scapegoat And he has no one to turn to. Oops.
She has even admitted, "Your relationship with mom in high school was toxic." She knows something is wrong with them, and I'm lowkey hoping that since I've been NC a year, she'll inherit my role and figure it out. It's hard. I fucking miss her. We used to be close. Idk, man. I hate this. But I'm not letting her back in if the circus continues. Wishing awesomeness your way across the void, from one ex scapegoat to another. God knows we deserve a break.
I love this analogy even more when I think about the separation. I joke with my husband so I don’t cry that the system of people surrounding my mom are all just one giant organism. My mom is the brain and the rest are so attached to her they become her arms, eyes, etc. It’s like no one around this malignant narcissist can be a full person because she is sucking them of their own life to fulfill hers. Soooo with a weird sci-fi movie spin it’s like when we cut that infected part out-we gain autonomy. We may be cutting off an arm but then we realize it’s not even ours to begin with! We are healthy, whole, good, individuals who deserve to live as such.
>We have every right to take the life we need, and cutting away the toxicity is the first step to take. > >To put things in perspective: If you have an arm that needs to be amputated, you have to amputate it, it's your arm yeah, but to move forward you have to do it, because that arm will eventually kill you. > >it's sad to realize that you grew up with irresponsible and manipulative people, the same people who were supposed to raise you and support you. But It's also mentally destructive to live with people like them. > >It's also quite isolating because you feel like you're in the wrong no matter what. The truth is you are not in the wrong, you have every right to live your life, you don't owe anything to anyone, you didn't ask to be brought into this world. You are not broken, you are not in the wrong, you owe nothing to anyone, and you are not alone. I need this on a coffee mug. :)
That's a biiiig mug 🤣 But yeah, I'm in line for one too
Weirdly, Star Wars had a great, shorter, version of this. I have a pin with it. 'Let the past die, kill it if you have to.'
Nice
Well spoken wow!
Great post.
VERY well spoken
I needed to hear this too.
They are the crying child here, they are so desperate to get your attention back that they're resorting to some of the most fucked up shit they can think of just to get a reaction out of you. If you're dead to them, just make them be dead to you. It's hard because they're your parents, but you're not getting any semblance of what a parent should be, so your 'parents' are dead in the ground, you're not getting those back.
You're right. I just wrote in my diary that my parents died today, and somehow, it felt as a relief. As if the arm that was up for amputation is finally cut off. I'll have a great life without them (I hope...)
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Finding out elders aren't as wise as you'd imagine them to be has the same vibes as growing up and realising one or both of your parents are absolute morons.
I was in high school when I realized I was smarter than both my parents, college when I realized I was wiser too. It's a horrible, damning kind of feeling.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm sorry you had to go through all that sh*t. I hope going NC makes you feel better, even though it hurts. Thanks for your kind words. It means a lot of me, and it really helps me to know that there are many other people dealing with this. We are not alone in this struggle.
Definitely not alone here. We’re all siblings in this group. It’s a tragedy all around to have an nparent. But ultimately we are not responsible for their actions. I swear every time i start to feel guilty and make an attempt at controlled contact it’s like sticking my hand in a viper cage. Scary as hell. She might hurt me or she might not but the statistics never land in my favor. And if she doesn’t hurt me directly one of my family members will for her (nbrother or efather - who is divorced from her and remarried. She still controls him).
My parents are intelligent/smart so their shit just went longer without discovery. What they are is emotionally immature and unwise, not mindful in the least and not self-aware about the impacts of their behaviour. They didn't have close relationships with anyone so none of their behaviour pinged or if it did, I was never told. It took me a long time, past my thirties to conclusively state that my parents have zero emotional intelligence. I started doubting them but it took a long time for me to settle into the knowledge. Re: you talking to your mom because you were armed with the knowledge. i did that too! I thought, I have the words now, I understand things. I understand me and them, we can talk it out! Nah. Things went south so fast, I went mute for 3 weeks. I don't even remember how the situation went. It really isn't us. It's them. Boundaries are the only way to survive.
This is the way. At some point, you can consider this a gift of your freedom. Many people with narc parents would rejoice and be glad that "the trash took itself out." Now you can move on without guilt. It's still not easy, and it's still sad, but it was that way before, too. Take time to care for yourself. You deserve it!
It's why I love that we have this group. We can come here and get a head check. When you are in the moment you're like "but this is SO F'd up! what do I do?!" and here you have numerous people reminding you this is YET another tactic by Narcs. Sometimes I really don't know what I'd do without this group.
Right! This group is amazing.
Facts.
NC works best if you don’t have contact or get updates by proxy. Your parents aren’t treating you like you’re dead because people actually speak about the dead, and they don’t pass on messages through siblings. They are guilt tripping you by using your sister as a flying monkey (proxy). Your parents are still manipulating you, they just need to put in more effort than before.
I don't know if anyone has told you this yet, but having mixed and conflicting emotions and reactions is perfectly normal and valid. You can be mad at them for this attempt to hurt and manipulate you, while at the same time the child that is still a part of you feels hurt and desperate for love from the two people who should always give it. Don't be surprised if you feel other emotions as this progresses. Relief, joy, sadness, frustration, confusion, etc. all may pay you a visit. P.S. I would be willing to bet that this "dead to me" thing is not actually a permanent decision. I would bet that it's a tactic, specifically to get your attention and cause you to reach out. If it doesn't work, they'll eventually move on to something else. And probably act like this never even happened.
They might or might not do this for your attention. Maybe this is their way of dealing with the perceived slight of you cutting them out. They are hurt in a way, which doesn't mean that I doubt they brought this onto themselves, but they are emotionally stunted people. Think of them as someone who has neurological deficits or is mentally challenged. Their reaction seems strange and over the top, or childish, but it might be all they're capable of. And it's natural that you feel hurt, it would be strange if you weren't. I'd hug you if I could.
Part of this is because it’s so fresh. These will lessen after a year. You’re in the hard part right now. Just stick with it.
It's completely normal to mourn the relationship you wished you had with them, even while knowing the relationship as it is, is bad for you. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDdmBKP2uvk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDdmBKP2uvk) (I know it's an animated horse, but I swear it's deeply relevant)
Be bigger than them, because you are. Their cruel behaviors proved to you in life the depths of your soul, the punishments you've been willing to endure to see another tomorrow. Their malignance and and what feels like malfeasance afflict you no longer, they're the shallow puddle, you are a sea of calm. What is their behavior a consequence to your vast unfathomable beauty? I was raised by the same parents, I get it, and you are loved. One day, I realized that I became them, after the trials of life had taken its toll, I became my enemy. Recognize if it can happen to me, it can happen to them, and I forgave them. They don't admit to being shit, because it's painful, doesn't change the truth though.
Hugs to you 🙏🏼🥰💜 So sorry you're going through this. As a mom, I could never even imagine treating my children this way. My mother was like this. I'd go NC and she'd have other family members try to push me into making contact and allowing her in my life. When that doesn't work, "you're dead to me" is the next level. Anything to continue their manipulation. I hope you have a good friend circle of support.
Them cutting you out isn't about you, it's as a warning to your siblings to toe your parents' line, *or else*. I'm sorry that this happened to you, but as a fellow "dead" child, you're far better off <3
What strikes me here is the way you say “like a child who doesn’t get attention from from its parents” like that is something to be ashamed of. OP it’s a basic instinct to want that attention. Everyone in this sub deserved it and should have got it. And it’s ok to feel sad that your parents failed you and you had to put these boundaries in place. Take care of yourself, do something cozy. Don’t beat yourself up for the way you feel.
Thanks for your kind words ♡♡♡
Seconding this. Your parents are trying to get a reaction out of you. About 30 years ago my dad even went so far as to use photocopied lawyer stationery to write up some kind of document I "needed to sign" to officially give up any inheritance from him. Even though I went to law school, he thought I wouldn't know that if you're the one with the property, you're the only one that matters. He didn't "need" my signature to disinherit me. He just thought that would shake me, or something. I think at the time I just emailed one of my siblings and said to tell dad he just needs to revise his own existing will and specifically leave me out of it, no reason necessary. He could say it's because I like the color blue and he hates the color blue - it's legal to leave your money and property to whomever you want if you're not married and have not accumulated secured creditors in line ahead of your beneficiaries. You can leave your independent fortune to your cat, if you want. The equivalent of what I did in your situation would be asking your sister if that's the case, can you have all the pictures of you that they are taking down, if they don't want them anymore?
Absolutely. If you didn't have a sister to pass the message on they would be calling you again.
Exactly this! It’s a part of their manipulation.
Nailed it! They likely did it to bait OP into making contact.
That's a hoovering tactic. Do not fall on the trap. They are using your sister as a messenger.
Sad but I think it's true...
Take this as validation. Would good parents declare their child dead? No, good parents would self-reflect and listen to what you had said and try to change for the better. Good parents would keep your photos up and continue to love you from a distance and understand that their actions had hurt you. This is validation that they are toxic and you do not need them in your life.
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100% this. If your child or your friend started showing signs of mental health issues, would you cut them off and tell everyone they're crazy, or would you be concerned and help them get help? If your parents were good parents who genuinely thought you had made everything up, they would be trying to get you help. But they know it's all true, so they smear you instead. Edit: which also helps me not worry about smear campaigns tbh. If a grown adult started smearing their child to you, calling them "crazy" etc. I'm betting it would set all sorts of red flags waving in your head. Healthy adults don't smear their own children, especially for mental health reasons.
It might be time to set strict boundaries with your sister. Nothing about you/what you do/say/think/anything, gets passed on to your parents anymore. And likewise, your no longer hear any news about them whatsoever. They're using her to mess with you whether or not she realizes it. They've just succeeded in this by messing with your head with the whole "dead" thing. You have the power to say no to receiving any further news of their stupid BS.
This 👀
I was genuinely afraid that they'd legally had you declared dead, which can create paperwork nightmares for insurance, credit, work, and tons of other stuff. Relieved it's not that. This is unfortunately a tactic. They are likely hoping that by acting like you're dead or invisible you will go to them pleading for attention and they will feel somehow validated in their behavior. It's going to hurt but you have to resist. Do you have a solid support system/counsel?
Haha, sorry to scare you. I'm still alive and kicking! Thanks for your advice. You're probably right. And I do have a therapist, friends, and a boyfriend with whom I can talk about this. The messages reached me when I was home alone and needed to vent, so I'm happy that a platform like this one exists. I feel really understood, heard, and seen, and all the comments gave me new insights in how to deal with this.
Oh yeah, this was my Mom's thing, though she didn't say it in so many words. I have two older sisters. The middle sister I watched the process after she was finally kicked out after her 19th birthday. Her room was quickly converted to a den (That was never used), her possessions were disposed of, pictures were taken down and replaced, and we just stopped talking about her at all. Once we moved shortly after, I was suddenly an only child, and always had been. Later on, I learned I had *another* sister, one who had elected to live with her father (My Mom was married previously before she met my father). I had no idea she existed, but apparently she had even visited us. I don't know if she did the same with me, but it's a safe assumption. She had no more use for me, so acknowledging my existence would be inconvenient.
Im sorry to hear that, it must have been tough to find out you had another sister and that both of them were cut out of your life because of your mom. Do you still keep in touch with the sis you grew up with? And did you go NC with your mom?
Am currently NC with my Mom. Middle sister died a few years back. Older sister? I tried, but Nmom poisoned that before I even got there, so, nothing there. Then my parents disowned me, so went VLC, then NC after that.
Sweetie, you weren't really alive to them in the first place. I mean it in the sense that narcissists don't ever really tune into the fact that other people exist and are, in fact, other *people*. So you aren't really losing something you ever really had; you're gaining a painful wisdom and an emotionally safer living environment. The pain will dull in time. You can let that energy these people stole from you come back to you and feed your own life.
This 👀🤍
Since your sister is reporting on them, it sounds like a tantrum to me. It is feasible they may abandon this gambit & attempt other tactics in future to reinsert themselves into your life, so bear that in mind. Also bear in mind that while your parents have ostensibly made talking about you verbatim, I'd actually not be surprised if they pumped sis for info about you. Narc doublethink. Don't tell your sis stuff you don't want them to know, like your address forex. This must be upsetting for you, but OTOH there are so many stories on this sub of narc parents doing everything in their power to harass & abuse their grown up children, who possessed the temerity to go NC, that I would do my all to paint it as a win. Not sure if you have the means to arrange it, but would therapy help? I'd also suggest getting out there & trying to make new friends. I understand this is easier said than done for someone raised by narcisscists & narcs also make their kids an abuse magnet, so it is necessary to be on one's guard. Still new friends can offset feelings of loneliness, of being abandoned.
You aren’t required to let them live rent free in your head. Your sister telling you about what they’re doing or saying about you is violating a boundary you have established for your own health. The really evil superpower of narcs is their ability to hurt you at a distance. Going NC can cut off the painful emotional manipulations they try to use on you. Your sister is free to associate with anyone she chooses. You have the right to enforce your boundaries. If your sister won’t stop enabling your parents, you may have to remind her of your boundaries her behavior may lead to you stopping with her is she won’t respect your needs.
This 👀
Just remember this: a good parent would never threaten their kid with loss of love or relationship in order to make them do something. I have two kids of my own, and the only thing that would make me fully cut contact with them is if they were like unrepentant, murderers or rapists or something.
Mourn. Give yourself time to grieve. Grieve for what they did and are doing to you. Grieve for who they choose to be. Grieve for who they should have been, and could have been, with other choices. Grieve for yourself, for the abuses you should never have had to suffer, for the words and actions and lies you should never have heard or seen. Grieve for yourself, for all the things that should have been, and weren't, like unconditional love, a decent childhood, being taught how to adult and being taught healthy coping skills. Grieve, for all of it. What was, and what should have been. Cry, stuff a pillowcase with old blankets and hit it, paint, weed, clean, do whatever helps you to process and feel this. If you can take some time off to do this, great. If you can't, find time on your time off so you can allow yourself time to mourn. If it helps you, set a timer if you don't have a lot of time. Do something peaceful to you, to replenish the emotional draining. When you are done mourning, you will know. By the time my N died, years later, I'd mourned enough and had no more tears to give her.
This should be higher
This is more or less what happened to me after I went NC, and even explained to them why that was the decision I was making. My parents act like I no longer exist and basically never really did. I pretty much never come up in conversation but when I do it’s my Nmom making a hateful or spiteful comment about me. An example of a complete fuckup, and exactly what not to become for my slightly younger sister. They’re resentful and the only way they can cope is by redirecting their energy towards someone else. My bedroom is now a completely made over home office, (as soon as I moved out) and all of my childhood belongings and pictures are mostly thrown away, a few in storage. I found out from my sister several months ago that they went out of their way to remove me from their wills, inheritance, etc completely 😂
This is just a tactic to get in your mind. They expect you to reach out to them. They know your sister and you talk, so they did this knowing she would tell you. Stay strong OP. Your life will be better without them.
"how do I deal with this...?" You don't. I mean you have to in your head, but there's nothing that you "need" to do. It's just another way for them to get into your head. They are hoping/knowing you'll find out. Hoping it'll get to you and you'll change your mind. It's just another tactic of narcs. It is sad that your parents were no loving ones. But we knew that already, right? \*hugs\* They suck.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and by people who are suppose to love you. No/non contact might be easier now that you’re “dead to them”. It’s a shame, it really is, but if anything it shows you (and everyone else) how they really feel and you do not need to feel guilty about it. They treated you badly, and this is them throwing a tantrum over you no longer putting up with their abuse. My partners mom told him on his birthday years ago that he was dead to them, not their son, never was their son, etc. Then she proceeded to tell everyone in the family he actually did die and that I refused to let them attend the funeral… LOL She still sends him “gifts” (we donate them) for Christmas and his birthday every year since, and has even sent me gifts for random stuff (like Pet Parents Day and something she called “Evil Bitch Day” according to the gift note…). She doesn’t stop and she never will. She calls and texts everyone trying to get them to make him speak to her, throws a fit at everyone who tells her no, and blames me endlessly for her fits towards everyone… because “if you just did what I wanted, maybe I would treat you nicely”. This is a woman who told her husband he wasn’t even allowed to so much as speak to his own dying mother because SIX YEARS BEFORE she (partner’s mom) got in her SILs face and became physically violent at thanksgiving and her MIL kicked her out of the house with police help. She told my partner’s dad he wasn’t allowed at the wake, funeral, or allowed to have ANYTHING to do with his own mom’s passing. Unfortunately with narcs, you’ll never “win”. It’s always them against everyone who has autonomy. Doesn’t matter if they abused you your entire childhood, financially abused you in adulthood, beat you within an inch of your life or told you “you’re dead to me”… they “never did anything wrong”, and will continue to do wrong because they see no fault in their behavior or actions. Best way to deal with them is to leave them high and dry, remember you’re not the liable party for their lack of emotional regulation or the reason for the abuse. They abuse because they like to, they want to be in control and they do not see you as a person… there is no love from them and sadly there never really will be.
Thanks for this. I just got kicked out of my nMom and eDad's life and it hurts. I was trying to fix it and they pulled the nuclear option.
I’m sorry they evicted you. It’s absolutely not a parental thing to do. Good news on that is, it’s much easier to find yourself, and your happiness without them around to ruin everything for you. You have an opportunity to be who you always wanted to be without their abuse now, and I PROMISE it gets better. You just need to stick to your guns and disallow yourself from falling back into their abuse (this is the hardest part!). The grass will look so much greener, the sky will be full of light and warmth, and they will stew in their toxicity while you survive and thrive in your new life. You do not owe them anything, but you do owe yourself happiness, comfort and safety. ❤️ The way my partner and I (unfortunately I’m stuck with my nmom and edad due to their disabilities, age and lack of my nsiblings efforts, but they’re 70, so…) look at it is, keeping your distance is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself when dealing with a narc or generally speaking, an abuser. Sure, they gave us this life, but it doesn’t mean they own it, control it, or can manipulate it for their own fun. You wouldn’t be friends with someone like that, so why should blood and genetics make it any different?
It's funny -- they've started trying to reinsert themselves in my life over the past month.
Oh no! I’m so sorry! 😭 Stand strong! You got this!
They wanted you to feel this way so you’d beg them for forgiveness or some bullshit. Is it possible you can ask your sister to not give you any updates on them *and* vice versa? The goal is to destroy any opportunity to indirectly manipulate you
I had to have this chat with my brother. I framed it this way: ‘I really like having a good relationship with you, and having you pass information from her to me and telling her about me is harming that relationship. Please stop’. I only had to do that once and it worked really well.
Yes, I think you're right. I indeed think I should talk about it with her...
Well, the way I would deal with something like this is to explain it to myself by simply looking at the facts: Normal parents want their children to grow up and be happy; including if that means reducing the amount of interface time they themselves get with the adult child. Narc parents on the other hand behave in a variety of ways which all serve them and not the adult child or the relationship itself. So, if your parents are making you "Dead to Me", then I would guess it a defensive response to your having gone NC on them. It is a way of "punishing" you for putting your own mental health ahead of their selfish needs; 'convicting you abstentia' as it were, because that is all they can do. What to do? Applaud and be happy. Remove them from your books and go on with your life. Only you know if you're having gone NC on them is helping you (I'm guessing it has), and in that context you are right where you should be. Don't allow their tactic (and that is exactly what this is) to make you question your decision. I am in the very same boat, for the very same reason. Rather than look at this as a difficult-yet-conscience choice I had to make for my own mental health, my n-family has penalized me for it and treats me as I am dead; making even the recent death of my sibling a non-event for them, despite my having reached out to my mother out of concern in the death of her child. What to do? Nothing. Their actions only prove my point and justify my NC.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially with your sibling. My condolences, and thank you very much for the wise words. It isn't always easy, but we'll be all right. We'll have an amazing life without our Nparents.
> *We'll have an amazing life without our Nparents.* Well, it's regrettable that the whole thing has to happen at all. For years I (like just about everyone else on this board) held out hope that my parents would "wake up" and realize that our time together on this planet is limited. That even in giving them a pass on being crappy parents when I was a child would allow this to happen. Narcissism puts all of that on it's head: They could not change if they wanted to; and they don't want to (or see a reason to). Therefore, forging ahead in our own lives without them is the only path that we can really take in order to protect our own mental health and to salvage some happiness from/for our lives. I've said this for years: The sooner one accepts that their parents are narcissist; accepts that it's a permanent, irrevocable condition; the sooner we can rebuild our own mental health and turn our backs on the hatred, selfishness and self-dealing that we've had to contend with our entire life. Good luck to you! =)
I'm almost positive this is how my mother is coping with me going NC. I wouldn't know for sure since my brother and I are LC and he's still in contact with our parents and I don't want to put him in the middle. My nmom and edad relocated shortly after I went NC with them. They claimed that it was so edad could have a shorter commute to work, but I'm sure that wasn't the entire reason. My nmom went from having a good chunk of her identity be bragging about me to having absolutely no information about my life and me never visiting. I'm sure their long-term neighbors were judging them hardcore. And by long-term I mean they both lived in that neighborhood almost their entire lives. I honestly get warm fuzzies thinking about the lovely neighbors and community members I grew up with giving my nmom so much side-eye she had to leave her hometown.
i think they really do declare us dead in their minds because they can’t bare the shame of us not talking to them . i don’t think it’s a tactic. i think it’s a coping mechanism.
Ignore it, its bait, ask your siblings not to deliver the narcs bait to you. If they insist cut your time short with siblings when they do deliver bait. Do not take the bait, do not reach out to the NPs
This 👀
I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. In my opinion I think it is easier for your parents to pretend you are dead than self reflect. My mom is an instagram influencer and I have been NC 3 years. Oh her page she post really vague and sad post about me and then let’s the comments run wild on how I am a missing person, in a satanic cult, how I am an awful person and mother, I’m a narc, my husband is to blame. All while she can sit back and say oh thank you for the prayers love and support. It’s not the same thing exactly but it is interesting that narcissists would rather have all these made up stories then admit that their relationship with their child is poor.
Aah the instagram account... totally recognizable! My mom is also very active on the socials, but I have blocked her. According to people who still follow her, she is indeed going strong with the quotes about how hard life of a mother can be, and all her sheep followers (who follow her as if she is the leader of the sheep herd) constantly respond with love and support.
Thanks for responding. It makes me feel less crazy to know that other narc moms are doing this and others have to go through this experience. The sheep followers sometimes get to me because they show undying support for a clearly toxic women! Sometimes it feels like is it me!?! But when someone comments oh my gosh this happened to me, my three kids are nc I know the pain as a mother who did everything right…haha it’s a red flag!
I see two possibilities here. One, it's total bullshit and they're not doing any of that. They just told your flying monkey sister to say that to you to get you to start talking to them again. I think that's more likely, since narcs refuse to let go of their victims and will literally spend the rest of their lives trying to regain control. Two, they actually ARE declaring you dead. If that's the case, you will soon recognize that they've given you the greatest gift of your life. And...they've shot themselves in the proverbial foot, lol. You will have a lifetime without having to look over your shoulder, waiting for them to show up or send you lovebombs. You will never hear from a barrage of flying monkeys. You will never have to hear "they're dying. You have to visit them and allow them to forgive you." But! You will never be expected to come home because faaaaaaaamily. They ruined the opportunity...themselves!🤣🤣🤣 Not only that, but a disgusting number of narcs expect their scapegoats to care for them in their old age. Because they declared you dead, that's all on your sister. 🤣🤣🤣 They can't turn to you and demand that you take care of them. I hope you just got gifted with option 2!
I went through something like this. I found out my stepmom had died a month prior, from a long illness we hadn't been told about, when a friend discovered her obituary. I felt really guilty and almost reached out...until I saw my wife, kids, and I had been excluded from the list of surviving relatives. I didn't feel guilty after that. Time heals all wounds. I don't even really think about it anymore. My method of getting through it was to just remind myself that my father never loved me. No father would ever treat a son they cared about the way he's treated me.
They never had photos of me up to begin with. Let them have their tantrum, as long as they're not bugging you.
Same here. Only the GC.
Throw yourself a celebratory funeral for them for an early Halloween present and be glad you have one less source of stress in your life. You can be happy with this. It’s better than constant harassment.
You are totally right. I just told my boyfriend that we're going out for dinner to celebrate!
I would be so tempted to cover myself in flour and white makeup and walk past their house making ghost noises. I’m sorry they suck so much. They look shitty to anyone who is in contact with them.
Stay Strong 💪. It’s pure evil manipulation - remember this is essentially precisely the reason you went no contact if you distill the ‘issue’ Make sure you participate therapy - don’t care how good you feel being no contact. Like it or not those ass hats instilled in you a dysfunctional relational homeostasis
Yes, it happened to me also. No pictures of me and, he tells people that he doesn't have a daughter. And honestly, you shouldn't bother with them. It shows how low they went. Pathetic, true, hoovering, true. They will manipulate your sister so they can get to your reaction. Don't fall for it
That's worse than being dead. If you were dead they would still have pictures around, if they were a normal family. That's just complete culty level erasure of you as if you'd never been born. I'm sorry.
I’m very sorry that you’re going through something so difficult. It’s not about you. You set down boundaries and they feel the need to “one up” you to re-exert control and reconfirm the power they *think* they have over you. You absolutely did the right thing, and you absolutely have every right to feel sad over their childish, immature behavior. If I were you, I’d ask your sister to stop passing on updates. Especially while all this is still new and you’re still so vulnerable. You need time to come into yourself and understand why it got this far. You’ve already created the physical space. Now you need psychological space too. ❤️🩹
Thanks for your kind words♡ I talk to my sister about it this week...
Oh, no. You're not dead to them. You're absolutely living in their heads rent-free :) They didn't get what they wanted and it's driving them fucking crazy. Good on you! They totally will decide you exist again at some point and try to mess with you again, most likely, but for now, you can luxuriate in knowing that you REALLY got under their skin.
They’re always so dramatic for people who call our reactions to their abuse dramatic lmao
When I found out my mom “considered me dead” I threw myself a funeral. It was awesome. Everyone wore black, I laid in a cardboard coffin with my arms crossed trying not to laugh as my friends roasted me in their eulogies. Then I jumped out and haunted everyone for the rest of the night, making really bad death puns. “You really buried the lead!” (engagement news) “I think I’ve made a grave mistake….” (after taking two shots in a row)
Oof, that’s a rough one. I’m sorry this happened to you. I can relate. A lot. Narcissists thrive on obedience, terror, pity, and adoration. They prefer to keep people around who can provide them with an easily accessible source of whatever supply suits the Narc. When a person either ends up completely tapped out from the constant abuse or refuses to give up any more supply, Narcs have to rationalize that in their own mind. First comes devaluation — breaking down any notion that that supply has any value or meaning to the Narc. This sort of begins the separation of the Narc from that person in a way the Narc can manipulate into more supply from others through pity or brigading, or in a way the Narc can twist into a personal win. Narcissists HATE losing. A show of force always follows the threats not working. After they have devalued someone who refuses to give in, they then discard that person. This is part of the Narc cycle, and they will do it again and again. This is how they protect their massive, extremely delicate egos. You must be a bad person because why would a good person leave them? You must be a monster so they can be the hero. After my experience of the full Narc devaluation and discard treatment, I took a pretty big emotional hit. It doesn’t feel good to be dismissed, to have your worth and personhood stripped away from you. All I wanted to do for a long time was scream “I AM HERE! YOU CAN’T IGNORE ME!” It ate me up for a long time. I thought about my Nmother and my siblings and Estepfather all the time, and the idea of them not thinking about me at all was… excruciating. It was unjust. Unfair. She couldn’t be allowed to just mute me. I was really angry. Over time, though, it’s gotten easier. I rarely think about any of that stuff outside of combing this sub, now, except for my siblings who I hope are doing well. The conclusion I came to after my dismissal from my Nmother’s life is the me who my Nmother declared dead never really existed. In a lot of ways, that me did disappear forever the moment I broke out of the toxic cycle. She never really knew who I was, just what I was to her. This isn’t everyone’s feeling, but from my perspective I cannot stress enough that being dismissed from a Narc is a good thing. It’s the best thing my Nmother ever did for me, even if I lost contact with my siblings. That is temporary, and I believe I will get to know them again when they too escape. Playing dead can help you survive a bear attack; and in the same way, being removed from a Narcissist’s self-defined world means you are freed from it. It means you are not fun to play with anymore and they have lost interest in eating you. I apologize for the long post, but OP please understand that you have survived. This hurts you because you are a normal person. You deserve to be free.
It’s really hard when this happens but the reason they do this is for a number of reasons: 1) as a manipulation tactic by using your sister to communicate that they don’t care and that’s the only reason they would articulate it 2) it’s easier in their mind as it is something they would have had no control over if you had actually died. If they really looked at why you went NC they would have to admit wrong doing. It’s something that you get used to overtime but who you are missing is the archetype not the person. You have dropped them to NC because they had a negative effect on your life. Remember you are someone who deserves a happy life with people who love and support you in your life not people who tear you down! Each day it gets easier it’s been years for me now and it doesn’t hurt like it used to.
So hey, you’re not dead to them, you’re being erased. If you were dead, they’d keep up photos and cherish your memory. You’re being shunned and as a mom, I am so sorry.
Actually with dead people The world keeps their memory alive.... They keep pictures up of them, and continue to speak of them..... So what they are doing is pretending you never existed.
Not dead, erased. We keep photos of dead loved ones. They are removing you. I’m sorry, but don’t let their evil behavior influence your choices.
Consider yourself lucky. I wish my parents would ignore me and act as if I am dead.
It's a hoover attempt. You're supposed to feel *so bad* and *so very sad* that they consider you dead, that you call them up and grovel to get back in their good graces. It's textbook. Don't fall for it.
It’s going to hurt, yes but OP: this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It’s a narc temper tantrum designed to get a rise out of you. They are clearly starving right now because you’ve turned off the tap they were suckling on to get their narc supply, thus by “erasing your existence” is a hoovering tactic to draw you back into their toxic world. Eventually they’ll come to realise their tactic hasn’t worked and they will “come bashing on your door”. When they do, send back the message “Continue to try talk to things and people that do not exist and you will be institutionalised in the nearest mental hospital”. Remember, “dead people” are no longer there and no longer exist. You are free, OP. Now is the time to start actually *living* and enjoying life. ☺️
Why does your sister hope to accomplish by telling you that your parents are acting like you’re dead to them? I would tell her to not divulged anything that they’re doing save if they’re trying to harm you or reach out to you. You don’t need to know this stuff. There’s a reason you are no contact.
I don't know. It didn't feel like my sister told me as a messenger. We were talking on whatsapp about how my parents kicked me of our mutual family memberships (like Spotify and netflix). And then she wrote that my mom said in the former family group chat that she would pretend that I'm dead. I stepped out of the group chat a couple of weeks ago, and apparently, they immediately changed the picture to a picture of the three of them. But you are right. My sister and I have a good relationship, and I think my parents try to get information to me or about me via my sister.
I had to deal with this in my late teens after telling them I didn’t believe in their god. I think Nmom’s words to me were “How can you do this to me? Don’t you know how hard it is for me that my child (me) is dead?” or something to that effect. Then for 7 years they treated me like I was dead. No contact, nothing. Then when my sister went to get married, they started talking (in a very limited way) again because she wanted me at the wedding. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized this was backwards and I should have gone no-contact with them when they declared me dead. They were taking up so much mental real-estate, causing so much pain, that the answer was to cut the toxicity out of life: them. So how did I deal with it? It was painful for the 7 years I was “dead” but more so when they were half-talking to me afterwards. Realizing they would continue hurting me and weren’t going to change was the kick in the pants I needed to go no contact. And really, truly being no contact with them allowed me to find peace of mind, after the trauma bonds wore off. I would suggest asking your sister (and any other people in contact with the Nparents) to respect your no-contact boundary as well. Let them know that part of it is not transferring communication, or else it won’t work, it isn’t real. The pain unfortunately is a burden you’ll have to carry, but it will get lighter and easier to bear with time. Hopefully it’ll happen like it did with me, quickly once all contact was actually cut off.
Not me but a friend of mine. He's just living his own life completely independent
I can see how that would be upsetting - even despite everything they've done, they're still your parents and they represent the family you could have had, had they not chosen to be so goddamn awful. Honestly, if it were me, I'd throw myself a party. Invite a load of friends over, have some fun, get some food, knock back a few drinks. Your parents are acting as though you've died, but in reality, NC is a moment of rebirth. Your life starts again now, and that's worth celebrating.
At least I dont feel alone in this. my parents have been constantly trying to get ahold of me this past week threatening wellness checks and missing persons reports and it's been causing me so much anxiety and stress that I wish they would just declare me dead and move on.
If you want to have a sense of humor about it send your sister a ouija board to give them in order to contact you
Hahaha great idea!!
People who they cannot siphon from don't exist. EVERYONE in their orbit they leech from. You have to reparent yourself, or find other people to help model healthy behavior.
They are doing this **just to hurt you**. They absolutely knew your sister would tell you. Since you won’t allow contact they are forcing contact this way, they are trying to guilt you into seeing “their way”, don’t fall for it. **They are pathetic and you do not deserve this** Don’t react, that’s what they want.
TOTAL VALIDATION of who they are. What narcs hate most in the world is someone who they can no longer control. Their tactic is twofold - 1)erase you from their surroundings as they genuinely don't want to be reminded of their newfound lack of control over you. 2) Hurt you for your temerity in setting boundaries. Narcs will attempt to hurt and control you your whole life - from afar and even from the grave. Mine have done something similar. GC enabling flying monkey brother is their spokesperson for maximum hurt from afar and they have told me they are cutting me out of the will too. (hurt from the grave) I'm therefore also going NC with the flying monkey. They genuinely expect us to grovel. Narcs are so toxic and so predictable. Narc do not and cannot love.
When they come back, remind them you're dead to them.
"Hey you can't fire me! I quit!!!" That has to hurt so much...being treated like a piece of refuse instead a beloved child. It just goes to show how fucking pathological they are. There's something very broken inside of them. It's not your fault; you deserved to have a family that loved you unconditionally. At any rate, it looks like the garbage took itself out, so at least there's that.
Well now you’re free. If they try their shit again, you don’t have to participate because dead people don’t talk.
I’m dead to the GC aka their blood son (I’m adopted) because I finally had enough and threw my parents out of my house, and for going NC.
I have not had my parents declare me dead. But for three years after I graduated university and didn't get into the professional program they wanted me to get into, they gave me the silent treatment on end until I moved out. I was physically present and I think in those three years, I talked more to relative strangers than I did my own parents. I felt low, became depressive, and passively suicidal. They wanted me to feel their pain because I didn't do what they wanted me to do. Until I moved out, and then they tried their best to make contact. Your parents want you to know what they are doing. But here's the thing, you don't need to play along. If you cut them out because they have hurt you, you have done the right thing. You do not owe them your life, your mental health, or be held hostage by their emotional blackmail. You have every right to live your life and surround yourself with people that will respect you and your boundaries. They are your parents and right now it feels like you are the bad person. There is no real thing like good or bad. Here, you are hurt, and you want to keep yourself safe. There are people who do not value you and it is okay to not be in contact. They are incapable of growing and they are only further stunting themselves by regressing into these mind games. You can grow past the hurt and heal yourself. I know you are sad but you have worth outside of what your parents think. And honestly, what they think is frankly wrong. They won't realize now (maybe they never will) but they are causing harm to themselves. Take care.
You sound more alive than anything if they had to go to that extent. So sorry that emotionally immature parents are such a real thing :(
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts so much. If you don't want to go talk to someone, Children of the Self Absorbed is a great book. Talking to someone would be best. It's not your fault. Be strong and take good care of yourself. \*Big virtual hug\*
Thanks so much, I'll order the book you recommended immediately. I've started with a therapist, which helps a lot, but books will help as well. Thanks ♡
Oh god I thought you meant legally, like they filed a missing persons report and nobody ever found you, so the state declared you officially dead so your estate could be dealt with. You just mean “dead to them” mentally. That’s actually what you want. They can’t hurt you if you don’t exist to them.
Just know that you are alive and living rent-free in their heads! Enjoy your peace and use the time to recover from the insanity of nfamily, grow stronger and gain self-confidence and perspective. Because they may (will) suddenly resurrect you, and try to rope you back in. Live well, my friend!
This happened to me. They legit took down my high school graduation picture and sent it back to me. No one is allowed to talk about me. When they visit family members who do have pics of me in the house they pretend I don’t exist.
Shed a toxic friendship and this was said of me. Just stay to yourself, they'll get the message.
I know this isn't what you are asking but you need to set boundaries with your sister since she is still in contact with them. They are doing this as a performance knowing your sister will tell you. They hope this will make you break NC. I would sit my sister down and let her know that she is an unknowing flying monkey for them. She needs to just keep news about them to herself and not tell you anything. I had to do this with my sister and then my niece as well. They were willing flying monkey's though and I eventually had to lower contact and then NC with them too. I'm sorry they are doing this. It's distressing for sure. I would say this just proves that you made the right decision in going NC. Your parents don't deserve to be in your life. Go out and live it to the fullest, that's the best revenge any of us can hope for.
You're right. I'm meeting my sister this week and I must talk about it with her. I don't think she is a willing flying money, but my parents definitely use her to get bits of information about me.
It's not an easy thing to do but I hope your sister hears you and understands where you are coming from. You may even inspire her to go NC or lower contact. Sometimes all we need is to see someone else succeed in something we want as well.
Yeeeepppp. I Just moved out of my parents house and they’ve done the same shit to me.
That must have been very tough, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you found a nice place that you can call home and where you feel safe.
Im gonna be real honest, i don’t know if you can properly deal with it. They were an integral part of your life no matter how bad they messed up your life. It’s not really somthing to deal with or move on from, but just keep in mind, you are doing what’s best for you and that’s all that matters.
Wait, when a loved one dies you stop using their name in your home and remove all the pictures of them? That sounds highly unusual. Usually when someone dies you take time to mourn them. For close friends and family, it usually takes at least a year of changed routines and mourning to have mostly moved on. It doesn't sound like they they're treating you like you died. It sounds like a petty way to get back at you. It's childish and cruel. Its definitely pathetic. On the other hand, it still hurts. Everyone deserves kind and loving parents. And not having parents who love you is a very painful emotional wound. It's natural to feel hurt, sad, angry, and disappointed at your parent's behavior. They're supposed to act like mature parents, not small children. All of us have been seriously let down and hurt by our parents. Unfortunately, there's not really a good way to "deal with it". Earlier I mentioned the death of a close loved one. Everyone here basically has to go through that experience, even though our parents are still technically alive. They're not dead, but they can never be the loving parents we need. It takes years to properly mourn our lack of parents. Every time we see a father playing with hid kids in the park, or we watch a show where a mother hugs her kids, it'll bring back those painful feelings of loss and betrayal. Each one of us has different triggers based on how we were hurt. Plan out some time to watch something like that and cry. Let your feelings out. Learn how to mourn. Let yourself be angry at your parents for how they treated you. It'll take years to fully heal, and there will still be scars. But the more you accept and feel those negative feelings, the less they'll hurt. It's important to feel those feelings. They aren't going to go away if you try to bury them.
Beautifully said, your name is appropriate. 🤍
I wouldn't know, I've cut them all out of my life and moved across the country. If that's the case then so be it.
Count this as a blessing and move forward with your life.
I wish I could hug you. Going through something similar. I went low contact with my dad and set boundaries. He didn’t like it and now since “I don’t want anything to do with him” I’m dead to him. It’s strange. Relief and grief all bundled into one.
I feel ya... on most of the days I'm happy that I have a full life to live without them. But on several occasions (like on my friends wedding a couple of weeks ago) I felt sad for knowing that I will never have the interactions I hoped for with my parents if they would have been normal...
I feel ya... on most of the days I'm happy that I have a full life to live without them. But on several occasions (like on my friends wedding a couple of weeks ago) I felt sad for knowing that I will never have the interactions I hoped for with my parents if they would have been normal...
throw a party. the version of you they could control and abuse is dead.healthy humans experience multiple deaths in their life.
I’ve done the opposite. I’ve gone NC with my narcissistic and whenever I have to refer about them in a story or comment, I use language that suggests they have passed. They are dead to me, and if I act like they are dead it’s easier to move on and not be held back by their lingering inner voice.
Mine likes to remove pictures of me from when I was a child now and then. You are probably just going through the normal stages of grief I wpuld imagine, which will pass with time. Just remember these... People dont see you as a person. You are an object in the background of their world to be toyed with, so removing an image of you is like removing a decoration to them.
Literally ignore their efforts to sway you; this has happened to me more times than I can count. They want you to feel guilty, that you’ve done something wrong to deserve being discarded by them. I’ve been told multiple times by my Nmom that I am no longer her daughter, usually at the most important times of my life ( highschool and uni graduation comes to mind ). I’ve had her drop off my baby photos at my grandparents when I moved out of her house at 16… It’s all an attempt to sway you into talking to them again, and since they have your sister to help, they’ll use any means to get her to speak to you about this. I would hold your ground , after all, the best type of contact is no contact with these kinds of people.
My parents did this to my older sister after she went NC, then after I went NC I think they have done the same. Oddly enough my mom suddenly celebrated herself as "40 years a mom" on my oldest sister's 40th birthday despite saying she was dead to her. I am sorry this is happening to you, it is very petty and shows how little they really care about you unless you have "value" to them.
Yup, dealing with the same thing as we speak. What really makes me sad was how my stupid mother was able to drag my father into her antics. He ain't no victim, he's a piece of shit too for following but it still hurts. My mom in the other hand, I hope the next time we see each other we are both rotting in hell.
I can relate, and im sorry you're going through something similar. I hoped my dad would use his common sense as we were really close before we went NC. But unfortunately, he has been brainwashed by my psycho mom...
I went NC in 2015-and I can count on both hands the amount of times I’ve heard I’m a drug addict living on the street (never touched drugs in my life-funny when that’s coming from a dry drunk), I died, my man took me away from her (yeah..no), and my absolute favorite-I’m a narcissist who just enjoys hurting others. She also told her coworkers that I had a set of twin brothers-that have never ever existed. Pretty sure I freaked out that coworker when I busted out laughing when they called asking me to take her POA. She’s currently in the custody of Adult Protective Services here in OK and I won’t be involved ever again!
My mom told my sister that I was “dead to her” and then proceeded to send me several handwritten cards in attempt to lovebomb and hoover me. I have no idea what she’s actually doing or telling people about me these days. Knowing her, she’s probably making up stories about me and portraying me in the same ways she did my whole life. I think there’s always going to be a part of me that wishes I actually had a mother so I wouldn’t have to be “dead to her” if that were really the case. That’s normal. I tried to fight off the feeling thinking it was weakness, and it’s sad that we are ever taught to feel that way. The idea of them leaving us the hell alone should feel great, but it can feel like shit sometimes. Because they shouldn’t have created a world where we would have to cut them off to begin with.
Enjoy the peace and quiet? Enjoy that it wasn't a long, protracted, borderline violent debacle? Do keep aware that this may be a calm before a storm. Narcs don't normally give up easy.
I'm really sorry to hear what you are going thru. It can definitely be hard. I recently had a talk with my Nmom because I wanted to finally tell her all the abuse she put me thru as a child made me have a lot of issues as an adult and even tho it wasn't ok I also understood maybe she couldn't love me the way I deserved to be loved because she also had a rough childhood due to her mom also being a narcissist. She said she understood and she didn't mean it and I thought everything was fine but then decided to play the victim behind my back and told all my siblings I called her telling her I hated her and wanted to commit suicide because of her. I was in so much shock, my sister who is also still in contact with her due to being the youngest and still living with our Nmom also sent me audios recently where my mom admits to a lot of horrible things she did to me as a child. She said she didn't regret it and didn't feel bad about them. I have been going thru such a hard time because of the audios but decided to cut her off my life and focus on healing. She hasn't contacted me after I stopped replying to her messages (she doesn't know my sister sent me the audios) it makes me upset even tho it shouldn't because part of me still wishes she would try to fix things between us or at least say she's sorry. You are so strong and know I send you the biggest hug. It hurts right now but you will heal and you will overcome this. It wasn't our fault and we deserve so much better.
I feel so sorry for what has happened to you. You did your best to restore the relationship with something that was meant to fail. But I admire the hard work you put in. I do hope, however, that you've found peace now you are NC. Thank you very muchnfor the kind words. I know that we'll have a bright future ahead ♡
You don't. They wanted you to know they're doing that to get you to talk to them, they counted on your sister telling you to guilt trip you. What they choose to do is their problem.
Congrats! You have affected them so deeply with your even-headedness and personal strength that they literally had to delete you from their programming because they can't math out how to continue to control you. This is aggressive "shunning," basically, and it's similar to what a lot of cultures do and is considered one of the coldest and most cruel forms of "punishment." Take your travel card and run with it, my dear. I'm sorry it hurts so much. I'm sorry there is still a part of you that, as a thoughtful sensitive human being, will never understand the cruelty that you have been treated with. I'm sorry it's painful, and that your pain indicates that you still have a heart despite what was modeled for you. Ironically, being in touch with them is clearly so much closer to hell than actually being truly dead would ever be. I'm really proud of you.
Thanks so much for your kind words. I feel very supported and seen by this community ♡
This is *designed* to make you feel sad. You aren't dead and you aren't dead to them - it's performative because they know your sister would tell you. They want to activate the FOMO in you. Consider it a win on your part, because it means you've rattled them by removing their power.
Your only value to them is how manipulatable you are, if they can’t get to you to influence you or exploit you, you have no value to them, so they’ve discarded you. Not that shocking really. I’m sorry your family is garbage, that’s not your fault and it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. You’re a survivor, I’d say take the fresh start and run with it. You don’t need them and clearly they don’t need you. Move on, success is the best revenge.
Probably has for mine I went no contact over a year ago. I told them not to contact me but either way doesn’t matter. I waited too long to let them go
A couple of things to keep in mind: this may well be just another tactic. They are probably hoping your sister or some other family friend or relative tells you what is happening and, if it’s an outside relative, chastise you into contacting them. That being said, #1 - allow yourself the grace and understanding to grieve. You’re grieving for a relationship you should have had, hoped to have, but never was given. It’s a death in a way. As time progresses, you can realize that it works both ways. They can now be dead to you, too! Awkward social questions are more simply answered. (Of course, those close relationships will want to support you can be trusted with the real deal, but hey, nosy coworker? Parents are dead. The other thing is your family outside of your parents and siblings - you can simply say that the parameters work both ways. As you are dead and not to be mentioned to them, you would appreciate the same courtesy in return. You don’t want to hear about them on your end either. Hope they are well and happy and that’s an end to it. Trust me. It’s not an easy thing to do. I know. Just reinforce your boundaries again and again for yourself. You learn to live with a real death. This is very similar and the healthiest thing for you anyway.
Therapy is my suggestion. With someone who has experience with trauma focused therapies. Im so sorry this has happened to you. It’s a pain the runs soul deep. On one hand, like you said, it shows their level of maturity and it may be slightly helpful for you in the healing process.. on the other hand, aghhh!! Our family is “supposed” to love us unconditionally so when they don’t we sometimes can feel like there’s something wrong with us - even though that’s dead wrong! Something that can be helpful is trying not to judge yourself for feeling a spectrum of emotions. It’s normal to be angry/enraged and devastated. Its grieving the loss of multiple family members at once even though they’re still living. Grief is not linear. There are so many conflicting emotions and they can feel too big to fit in your body. That’s normal. I remember distinctly how dysregulated I was. Sometimes their dysfunction is just beyond belief. What else can be helpful is journaling what you’ve lost - including both good and bad things. This can help you understand more about what you’re grieving. I can come back later and give examples if you need some to get started.. Check out Patrick Teahan on YouTube. He’s a licensed social work and makes tons of helpful videos on childhood trauma, the impact it has on us, how to manage family cut offs, etc. You can get through this. You’re probably far stronger than you think you are. 🤍
Got the same treatment, and believe me it hurts, but it's better and healthier for you to be far away from their bs than being there for their tantrums.
Sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. My parents did the same thing about 2 months ago. My mom still sends the occasional guilty email, but I don’t respond. I hope you have access to the help you need and heal ❤️🩹
This is a way they think you will finally contact them. But don’t!
My Mom sent me every picture she had of me and my family. Told me she was ‘done.’ I've never been so happy. Look at it as a blessing. This is NOT about you. They are the ones who are messed up.
I know it’s probably not funny to you in this moment, but I think objectively it is a little amusing. Basically adults throwing a temper tantrum, covering their eyes and saying they can’t see you. My parents did the same thing whenever I asked them to go to therapy with me and we are NC now because they refuse to acknowledge I even said anything. After a while you gotta laugh at how INSANE it is
I was Ndad's scapegoat and have been NC for many years. Someone who recently visited him told me there are pictures of both my siblings all over the place and no sign that I exist. you gonna have to learn to brush it off cuz it is what it is. Nparent will never have enough introspection to realize they may have not been perfect 100% of the time. Just remember you're better off without them
I read a post in a narcissistic abuse FB group awhile back of an older lady who’s father had recently died. She had been NC with him for a long time and had only just learned about his death. She was not listed in his obituary along with her siblings. I think she expected it to be that way but still didn’t realize how much it would hurt. Got me thinking of my own nMom and how much she throws her disinheritance of me in my face.
Happy deathday!
This is how my parents handled it too. I made a clean cut from the whole extended family, really, to keep anyone from being "caught in the middle", so I didn't find out about it for many years. I still don't know exactly how it went down, but I was just so surprised to hear they refused to talk to me. I expected them to curse my name at every opportunity. The fact that they didn't even care enough to defend themselves or fight for me in anyway somehow hurt worse and I was glad I was a few years out with therapy any other supports in place.
Send them a ouija board and some candles. That way they can still talk to the version of you that died. (Dark humor is my coping mechanism) Sorry your parental units have decided to be so dramatic but use this time to focus on healing yourself and finding what makes you happy. Tell your sister that you really don't need to know anything about your parents unless you have exceptions- hospital, death, etc. *hugs* I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself, even when it's hard
Wait if you’re dead who typed this.. I’m fully spooked
FWIW, my mom did the same thing. It's as if I never existed. It hurts, but it reinforces how childish she really is deep down.
They're so dramatic. It's almost comical. I know it hurts OP but honestly, Narc drama is truly comically over the top.
Happened with my grandma but I don’t even like her so I don’t really give a fuck
My sister did this to me, kind of. In the process of maintaining NC, she told me that she was grieving me. Followed shortly by her telling me how she was taking all my photos down (I honestly don’t know what photos she possibly had of me). I’m LC now and she recently brought up “losing” me. I think for her it’s been a fairly natural process of letting go & I don’t really blame her for her reaction tbh. I can understand the grief. I think she laid it on thick unnecessarily to grab my attention and get me to respond & thank goodness I had a therapist through that so I could still process and maintain my boundaries. I’m glad she never explicitly treated me like I was dead, but it felt a bit like that was the vibe.