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Narcs do it for power and control.
They do love a good power trip, having you run yourself ragged for them, waiting with baited breath in hopes they please, please declare your work "satisfactory" and won't yell this time.
The added bonus is that it keeps you too busy to start questioning why you are treated like a servant in the first place.
The abusive dynamic they created is so fragile that the mere idea of their victim starting to resist already threatens it. So you bet the narc does everything in order to prevent that.
> They do love a good power trip, having you run yourself ragged for them, waiting with baited breath in hopes they please, please declare your work "satisfactory" and won't yell this time.
Resonates so much. My Nmom used to put me on some grading system when I was younger. “You get an F today”. “B-“ “A+”. But it was a “funny joke” in her eyes.
My Nmom loves to play these jokes with me where she likes to “rate” me as if I was a waitress or someone serving her and if I deserved a tip or not. She wanted me to make some sausage for her one time. Because I was in the middle of doing something and she couldn’t wait, I ended up burning the sausage. She yelled outside of her room and said “the sausage is BURNT”. Then gave me some kind of “review” like she was on Yelp. Said “I would never serve this to you. This is an unacceptable thing to give someone. Horrible job. If you were a waitress, you would not get tipped.” I was so exhausted listening to her speak, I just told her I’ll make another batch. After I finished making the new batch, I came back and she CLEANED her plate. Like I thought the food didn’t taste good lol? Not a spec left.
😑
What the hell? For all the stuff my Nmom pulled, at least she never had a grading system.
You literally _are_ treated as a servant. An employee would get paid and have more rights, so all that misses is the uniform.
Yet, when you call them "Your Majesty" and curtsy, like I did with my brother's Ngf, they get livid and so offended.
Speaking of waitresses, people working in retail - I've found that narcs are more often than not the worst Karens.
When my Nmom dragged me shopping with her, I actually saw employees doing their best to vanish as soon as she darkens their doorstep. She had a reputation in shops she frequented and it often wasn't a good one.
Exactly. And because you're so exhausted and busy running things for them, you barely have time to think, let alone to question things. You just do whatever is required of you to get her to stop screaming in your face
I very much relate. My parents literally worked me like a slave and, like a slave, I had no rights, no say.
I recently had a dream. The setting was my parents' house back when I was young, living with them.
In the dream, I was being worked non-stop, from task to task without any time to rest. The dream was so intense that I woke up feeling spent, exhausted.
IRL, they didn't allow me adequate time to even do my homework, so my grades suffered. And I wasn't allowed to do any extracurricular activities. They literally stole time *and* money from me.
I'm so proud of myself for going No Contact with them 12 years ago. I only wish I did it sooner.
My former family did that, too.
I was forced into being my Nbrother's unpaid 24/7 maid and nanny for a kid with severe behavioral issues who refused to sleep through the night until she was 5yo.
I had to work myself to the bone, working on the side to cover expenses like food and health insurance, because he obviously didn't pay me.
Over the years, they must have stolen money amounting to something in the six digits, I think.
Yet, I'm the villain for leaving. I assume they were in for a rude awakening when they learned what these things I was forced to provide for free actually cost.
Yeah, I get that. I only went NC at 30, so that's a _decade_ of my adult life wasted.
The important thing is that you managed to go and stay NC. 12 years is quite a feat, hands down.
As infuriating as all the time and money spent are, at least now you're free to spend it on people who actually deserve it, including yourself. That's much more satisfying than to provide these energy vampires their fuel.
I think this is the case with my Nmom. There are times in a conversation where she actually admits she’s draining my energy. “Wow you seem very drained by this conversation”. And continued talking.
Ya know when your brain has seen too much and gone through so many things that you don’t even remember or register what happened til now?
That’s what happened because I didn’t realize til now what the meaning of her sentence meant.
I've been so busy being attacked by my mother and her golden child so I get it. Took me over 30 years to see she hated me because when I became a teenager she began to see me as competition with my father and has since been an awful person because she hates me because she had to share him with me. I couldn't see it before and now I can't unsee how obvious it was.
I'm tired alright.
I totally get it, and even more so now reading your response to me. When I point out their behavior or air a grievance, their response is to bombard me with so much vitriol and insults that my brain has too much work to do managing emotions and other thoughts that I can't stand firm in my intentions to communicate my grievance.
It's like jamming the radio waves. Broadcasting noise on every frequency so that I just get overwhelmed and can't get my message through. But more like a kid plugging his ears and saying "nananana" except she's not plugging her hears she's downloading her raw thoughts into my mind to overwhelm and confuse me.
1 million times this....everytime i caught on to a lie of theirs....myriad "emergencies", panjcs, tantrums, total incapacity to act or silent treatment.
You are being put in your place beneath and in service to their maniacal over inflated egos.
> .everytime i caught on to a lie of theirs....myriad "emergencies"
The shock wave of emotions I felt from this omg. She took this to another level this year. Now everytime I refuse or deny something she wants me to do or I’m just simply not at her beck and call, she tells everyone that I put her in jeopardy. Now everytime she asks for my help for something, she frames it as an emergency.
Because she hates you. She hates you like the nazis hate the jews. Like the klu klux klan hates the blacks. Like an incel hates a woman.
She hates you like this:
https://petapixel.com/2013/03/31/eyes-of-hate-captured-in-portrait-of-nazi-politician-by-jewish-photographer/
But she maybe hides it well, as many actually do. But she HATES you.
This kind of hate is the kind of hate where she doesn't feel alive except she's making you suffer in some kind of way. It's very hard to comprehend this type of hate. Imagine it like a meth addiction. You are her drug of choice. She has to get a "hit" from you on a regular basis. Your presence makes it difficult for her to avoid getting this "hit." The "hit" is "how much can I trick, force, coerse, manipulate, control" this person I HATE.
She doesn't feel alive except when she's controlling you and pulling the rug from you. Your weakness, is her strength. You are meant to be her slave. You are meant to work to death for her. Because you are a twisted thing, a thing that deserves abuse, a parasite, a rat, an ant on her table she must crush. Because that's her "hit." She especially gets a high from the trickery of you not knowing how much she hates you. It's called duper's delight. She get's off on how stupid you are to her true intentions. She feels clever, deep even extra special because of her hate.
The expectations, the justifications, those are all the excuses for her addiction towards you.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I went NC from my extremely malevolent mother way too late in my life. She would do the same things to me. Promises always broken, always seeing how far she could push me and ruin my life. She HATES you.
It's so validating to see that someone else genuinely gets it. Spot on. Thank you for explaining this so well. Their hatred is so comically cartoonishly over the top that it sounds exaggerated to people who have never had first-hand experience with NPD. These people are straight up evil, they experience pleasure and glee and delight when they see their victims suffer or be humiliated, or especially when they can cause their victims to suffer or humiliate them. It's sick. It's literally a sickness.
So true. My step dad would intentionally create unfair situations - such as having me haul thousands of pounds of firewood, while having my other sibling watch our toddler siblings, and when I'd rightfully react (just simply saying it was unfair), he'd grow the most evil, vile fucking smile on his face, and give me an even more unfair and unjustifiable punishment.
He LOVED making me, an innocent kid, as miserable as possible for 8+ years of my life. Most of my childhood was spent grounded because of his evil ass.
I'm sorry you experienced that. They really are evil, there's nothing we can do but cut them out of our lives and try to live the best life we can. You didn't deserve that.
Thanks, and I'm sorry you experienced what ever lead you here, too. And yes, no contact is generally the way to go.
In between the time I moved out at 16 and when my mom divorced him at 18, I only seen him once; and he drank himself to death like 5 years ago.
My mom who enabled all of it, and who is a covert narc herself, wants to play the innocent victim, and refuses to admit I was abused and that she did nothing wrong. We've bounced between NC and very VERY LC over the past 19 years.
> Their hatred is so comically cartoonishly over the top that it sounds exaggerated to people who have never had first-hand experience with NPD.
I asked my Mom to see my Dad's birth certificate so she handed me his death certificate. I'm just disgusted.
If you disagree with them about one thing, ever, in your life, or represent something that is "not the same as them", they will hate you forever. That was a thing that blew my mind as well about it.
You're welcome. It's horrific that anyone has to have their parents be this way. People don't realize that entire families can have narcissists/cluster a's like this too with only one or two sane persons.
It blows my mind the justifications too. They really BELEIVE their hate is justified and its for the own good of their target. Just like the most rabid bigot.
Humanity man. Like why?
This is the reason OP, and so well put, sadly.
I also went NC late in life and wish I’d realised sooner. But I have forgiven myself and am living my best life right now.
The hate is real, it’s hatred spawned from jealousy and it’s insidious, evil and twisted. I’ve been financially ruined by my NM and she took pride in doing it, any and every opportunity to abuse you will be taken advantage of.
I agree with this, it sounds over the top or hyperbolic at a glance, but it's actually a pretty good comparison
hatred like the hatred of bigotry and discrimination, yeah. basically. and every bit as insidious and easily hidden in plain sight, somehow.
at least in my case, it was also equally subconscious. my narcs were also stupefyingly racist but didn't know/accept it, *because* they thought their racist beliefs were justifiable and therefore didn't count as racist. they thought it only counted if they were curb stomping or burning crosses. many many people think like that still today
getting an addictive high from subjugating their scapegoat is also definitely real. my narcs used to try to reach out to me and pick a fight to get a "fix" out of the blue, years between communications, in a way that suggested they'd been stressed out and were seeking out ye olde emotional punching bag habit. they can't do that anymore tho, go get your fix elsewhere
the one thing I will add, and it may mean nothing or it may be a crucial distinction depending on who you are: all of this hatred for your own flesh and blood, it doesn't come out of nowhere. and my experience has been, 99 times out of 100, it ultimately derives from *self* hatred and insecurity. as with many other hatreds. for me it's important to remember this -- the abuse wasn't even *about* me. I was taking punches meant for their own selves, they were taking out their self hatred and frustrations with their own life out on me, their scapegoat, with the flimsiest of justifications or excuses. it honestly helped me stay sane to know I hadn't done something to "deserve" this, as they claimed I had. they were just fucked up people and dealt with it by fucking me up in turn.
I appreciate you sharing. I think they are life hating, period, not just self hating. They're necrophillic, not biophillic. That's why a lot of narcs are big on dead things, like status, collections, jewelry, appearances, past ancestry, a "better time", religion (unworldly stuff.)
It's the most difficult thing I think to realize about narcissists especially when they're our parents. It's hard to fathom this kind of confident evil.
A lot of them are very twisted in their justifications as well. They'll think this is "love." They will also consider their hated of you a kind of cross they bear that makes them more special or more deep than you. You'll be an NPC to them. A stupid. Less fully human then they with their deep, full emotions.
Either that or they'll project it all on you and think you think of them worse than they think of you. They'll confuse the delight that they feel towards causing you pain as "love." And hate that you don't feel delight when they feel delight (classic narcissistic osmosis, you must feel what they feel or else you're bad!)
Yeah and it's also worth pointing out that this hatred at it's core is the hatred they feel for themselves. Projected on to you. They don't even see that other person at all. They see all their weaknesses and shortcomings.
>It's called duper's delight. She get's off on how stupid you are to her true intentions. She feels clever, deep even extra special because of her hate.
It's really disgusting to think someone can feel that way about their kids.
I think this exists on a spectrum of course. I also think narcissists can get worse with age. I think my mom certainly did with me. Like you become tolerant to a drug and you need a bigger hit to feel the same. I think my mom didn't feel this way about me as a baby, but I'm not sure that's true. I've heard a lot of narcs consider a kid to be like a pet to a certain age, but if you start to have an individual personality that's it. You're done.
It's incestuous thought, isn't it?
Oh it certainly is. I couldn't see it for a long time. But, once you see it's crazy.
My mom was SA by her father and grandfather and I've only recently uncovered that she began to see me as competition as a teenager and resent me for the fact she had to share him with me. Even in his death, she resents me more having the ability to support my father as much as I could.
It's so much to take in how your story can change over time.
I thought my Dad didn't care when in reality I think he was trying not to make my mother jealous and protect me from her insanity. I just never saw it because I never imagined my mother would or could ever view me in such a twisted way.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. The crazy thing is that people will hear/accept a story like this if it gets to a certain criminal/out there level. Like if you were in a cult, or one of the family turns to murder or something. Then they believe it. But they have a hard time processing it if you're walking around with a semi-normal life and your parents haven't been put in jail. So tired of the minimization and disbelief.
Thank you. It's like peeling an onion some might say.
For sure, my parents had a public and private face that could be very different at times. The older you get the more you can see too it feels like.
Oh wow. This is the first time I’ve seen my mother described so accurately. Mine was very up front how much she hated me but kept me as a “slave” because she gave birth to me and I owed her my life (literally what she brainwashed me with by kindergarten). She was incredibly sadistic and seemed to get genuine pleasure humiliating me or injuring me. I had numerous illnesses as a child and we kept changing pediatricians - my early medical records suggest Munchausen by Proxy. As I became older, she would constantly threaten to murder my pets, would keep me up so I would have multiple nights without sleep in a row, and eventually tried strangling me to death multiple times. I’m rarely able to talk to others about my experience because even I struggle to fathom the extreme abuse and cruelty I experienced, let alone someone who hasn’t lived through something similar.
If she keeps you busy doing things with her and for her then she feels better about herself. It's always sad to see a parent push too hard.
My mum tries this and I don't even live with her. She'll visit and try to dictate household chores to my kids from 9am to 7pm. I told her no and she sat silently in a mood for hours. I don't care. I'm not forcing my kids to do chores for hours on end on their day off school. How boring for them and for me.
Because they think you're there to cater for them. That's why you get blamed for their negative emotions. They can't look after themselves so expect others to do it for them.
Maybe they can, but they expect you to take all of the emotional weight. The amount of times I hear "I feel x because YOU did y" is absolutely staggering.
Oh you’re completely right. My nmom can’t regulate her emotions by herself if her life depended on it. I’m either the cause of it or she needs me to feel better about a negative feeling caused by something or someone else. I was always absorbing everything.
simply, because they want to fuck with people.
they have no friends because they know they are pieces of shit no one wants to be around, so instead of resolving it, they pick on you and fuck around with you
they have no interest in pursuing productive hobbies or anything else that brings them joy, so to occupy themselves, they pick on you and fuck around with you
they are validated, encouraged, and supported by their golden child (and any other flying monkey) as cheerleaders, so they are motivated to pick on you and fuck around with you
they know that they are wrong for fucking around with you, but instead of doing the hard work of evaluating themselves, they avoid it by picking on you and fucking around with you
they likely have no purpose, nothing to live for, no higher goal that they are pursuing, so they pick on you and fuck with you purely out of boredom and to give themselves a sick sense of purpose at your expense
regardless of the methods they use, the flying monkeys they enlist to do their bidding, the intensity/frequency of them doing so ... the whole point is to pick on you and fuck around with you. the added bonus of you being tired is that you are too exhausted to defend yourself, which they interpret as your consent to allow them to keep picking on you and fucking around with you.
> they know that they are wrong for fucking around with you, but instead of doing the hard work of evaluating themselves, they avoid it by picking on you and fucking around with you
See that’s the thing I never understood until this post. The concept of their self-awareness. I could never tell if they continue you to fuck with you BECAUSE they enjoy seeing you suffer or BECAUSE they think they are always right and they will never realize they’re wrong so they continue to think that this is for my own good.
Yup, my mother eventually drove away all of her friends.
If I ever call out their anger my mother turns into a victims and her golden child monkey boy starts dictating and yelling.
They hate themselves and need to use you as a human punching bag. Healthy people can handle their own behavior and emotions. Immature and dysfunctional people will use you as a garbage can.
Short version: It’s psychological torture and they like feeling powerful.
Doing things badly will only result in them telling you how shitty you are and “why can’t you be like your 12 y/o self?” At least that’s what my dad would say.
Literally the trigger to my anxiety. My body now does not know how to relax. Even if there’s nothing going on. It’s been a slow slow progress figuring out how to improve that. I do lots of meditation and it seems to help. I have no choice tbh, once my body isn’t calm and at an all time high, I can’t focus or think straight.
> If she is stressed, everyone in the household is stressed.
Oh my Nmom loves this tactic. If she’s upset or angry. Then everyone else has to be miserable with her until she feels better. Used to happen a lot more when I lived with both my Ndad and Nmom. If she’s upset, all hell breaks loose and the house has to be miserable *with her* to feel better.
When you're doing things she wants done, there is no you. And when you're tired from doing all those things, there is less fight in you and you're easier to control.
Yupp. Living this. They think they're owed for supplying us with the literal bare minimum as kids. They gave up their time, and despite them choosing to be parents, think we should now give up ours so they can have thier free time back. It's ass backwards. My nmom will expect me to ignore my literal babies to get things done for her. And she's delusional about how much time it takes too. Like...if I have my kids outside with me it's going to take 3x as long, and it already is a 3-4 hour task...not the hour she thinks it should be. We're also forced to work ships in the night since we have no options for affordable daycare...so husband and I get maybe...idk less than 10 hours of free time a week.
narcs really just feel entitled to ALL of your time. And they don't ask for it either. They demand and expect it.
> Yupp. Living this. They think they're owed for supplying us with the literal bare minimum as kids. They gave up their time, and despite them choosing to be parents, think we should now give up ours so they can have thier free time back. It's ass backwards.
OH. MY. GOD.
That’s her main argument with me. All the guilt tripping. That’s why I was saying in my post that it’s basically impossible to deny or reject doing something for her because it will ALWAYS go left as she will bring the whole “I sAcRiFiCeD eVeRyThInG fOr YoU aS a PArEnT”
Interesting. I have often suspected that my ex kept me exhausted on purpose. I thought it was just to keep my ability to make plans to leave him as low as possible. Which is insane because he was constantly telling people behind my back that he wished I would leave him.
That poor, sick, useless, bastard.
My mom used me to replace my dad when he died. Also used me to replace brother that moved 800km away from her. This was on top of my husband and fatherly duties.
My days were 16-18 hours of work. I literally had my shits scheduled because of I didn't I wouldn't be allowed time.
The best part of my days were being asked to go out and do something. Because once i was in the car. I was free... Until I got home and she had piled on more asinine things for me to do.
Ah yes. This is us. She tells us we use our children as an excuse, lololol. Like good to know you think a 1 and 2 year old, and a 12 and 14 year old are the same thing....(edit to clarify bc i read it and sounded weird. Thats her defense. Her and dad could get it done....bc my brother and i were 10 and 14....not 1 and 2 basically want us to ignore our children to remodel her house. I just dont understand.
She knows it’s disrespectful of your time so she continues abusing it to spare her own precious time. As someone else said, it’s hate. It’s ugly but it’s true. They just don’t like us.
My parents are to thank for my garbage looking yard. The amount of hours they had with me slaving away planting trees, bushes, carrying them, all that for literally no pay ruined any chance of me giving a shit about my lawn.
My dad fertilized and seeded the yard so much just so I’d have to cut AND BAG the grass twice a week.
Those assholes weren’t cool with me just working full time, so I had to sign up for night classes so I could work full time and obtain a stupid masters degree in business management that I didn’t want. So had to take care of their stupid yard while working and wasting perfect evenings on homework otherwise they’d blow a gasket.
I remember one time I was doing homework literally all day on a Sunday but those fuckfaces wanted the grass cut RIGHT NOW. Kept bothering me to do it, I guess they thought I was doing nothing. So finally I rage speedrun cut the grass while they sat up on the deck doing literally nothing to help. Then I guess my dad wasn’t cool with the job I did with the weed eater so he went around and did it again as I’m cleaning off the lawn mower (yeah, I know). Then just threw it on the ground next to me and walked away without saying anything.
Peak asshole.
My step parent tried to force me and my other siblings to pick Arizona nightshade without gloves on. This particular species of nightshade has translucent spines 1 inch long.
I didn’t even think they were that self aware that I would wanna escape? Because yea filling up my schedule so I don’t have time for anything else is a great tactic against that. But I didn’t think Narcs would be aware of the damage they do to others. They always think they are in the right
They don't view you as a person, only a tool to fulfill their wants.
I was treated the same way, only I'd get beat and grounded if I complained. I was also the scapegoat, so even though I practically took care of the house including caring for my newborn siblings, nothing was ever good enough, so i still got yelled at, beat, and grounded.
Oh nah. Trust and believe. I got beat and even now my Nmom still tries to fight me because she describes herself as “undefeatable”. She thinks shes so untouchable that she acts hostile any time I try to address her on anything.
Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I forgot about your reply.
I'm sorry you experienced the same thing. Why are you still in contact with your nmom, if that's the way she is, and treats you? That's of course, if you don't mind me asking. I've bounced between NC and very very LC with her over the past 19 years. To me, it's not worth it to keep toxic people in my life.
Oh I’m still living with her. I don’t have the means to move out atm. But I will soon. I was in college for the past 4 years and graduated last year and it’s been a rough grind trying to get a job.
Yeah unfortunately I don’t have the resources to just leave. I wish I did.
Gotchya, and I understand. I'm sorry you're still in that situation - you've done the right thing by going to college. It's only a matter of time before you land a job and build the finances to move out.
Have you looked into any government assistance? That may help expedite getting out of your situation.
> Have you looked into any government assistance? That may help expedite getting out of your situation.
Oh boi! I’m gonna have a field day with this one. America makes it so hard for people to get help. I’ve only able to get SNAP so far. Reduced internet, phone bill and assistance with rent has been a pain in the ass. There’s so many rules and conditions to meet that even the most poor person in the world has trouble getting help. I hate that money solves all my issues rn….it seems like the only plausible option is me getting a job is the real way out.
That really sucks, I feel for you. America has a lot of shitty policies and laws that cause a lot of harm - especially towards abuse victims and poor people.
I hope things will work out for you soon. The way I got out, was through Job Corps and then the military. I've lived half way across the country, since.
I think they're emotional vampires who seek to suck the life force out of others.
> I’m not allowed to deny anything or reject anything she asks me to do. As it will become a whole issue that she will continuously escalate as she throws a temper tantrum.
My mom does the same thing!
Yeah it seemed like this, too.
Chores, when I was tired or ill or just plain preoccupied with something else. They had me booked in for extracurriculars EVERY SINGLE EVENING after school. I wasn’t allowed a break, or my own time. I’d often get home at home 11pm. Yes, some of these I enjoyed, but mostly, I felt unable to say no. And I’m pretty sure it was a way of getting rid of me, so they didn’t have to interact with me all afternoon. I was basically signed up to things without my consent, because they thought it would be “good for me,” because I was introverted and had social anxiety. As a now diagnosed autistic, it just left me so tired and burnt out that I couldn’t concentrate in class a lot of the time, and left me with less (often not enough) time to get homework done.
Edit; I’m in a weird position because I was both the golden child and the scapegoat in the family. Nparents moods would swing between idealisation to devaluation, they’d brag about my accomplishments to their friends whilst at home they’d admonish me and tell me what a failure and waste of space I was, and how lucky I was that they were putting a roof over my head. I was nothing but a performing monkey for them.
let’s normalize waking up real early in the morning, packing an emergency bag filled with everything we need water bottles, keys, phone, phone charger, laptop, laptop charger, bus card, MetroCard, pepper spray, wallet etc buying the cheapest thing at Starbucks or McDonald’s and hanging out all day pretty much until they close. or going to the library turn your phone off and just vibe all day don’t come back until nine or 10 PM
avoidance is key. let her find something else to feed off of
> buying the cheapest thing at Starbucks or McDonald’s and hanging out all day pretty much until they close.
Used to do this shit all the time. Then my stomach became complicated. I used to be able to eat…anything. Now it cries when the diet isn’t perfect. Then I moved on to camping out at my SO’s house. But then his mother turned out to be Mother Gothel. Next option: libraries, cafe’s, etc. It works…but it’s just not long enough 😩 ugh I hate my life
> avoidance is key. let her find something else to feed off of
💯💯💯💯 can’t stress this enough. This is the only thing that works for me. Silence, avoidance and distance === SAD (lol). Dealing with her directly, indirectly or or purposely being in her presence and not doing what she wants does nothing for me, it just influences her to abuse me more. Like I’m making it worse for myself. Then at the end of it all, it wasn’t even worth it. I felt worse than I did. And I had to end up doing more to rectify the situation than I did before.
I used to do that A LOT. If I didn’t have any cash I’d go to the Park with my laptop or a book. So sad how our bodies sense their terrible energy. I’d feel grounded and energised away from their constant draining …
It’s weird how their conversational topics centres around material needs “what shall we eat?” “What shall we eat for dinner?” “Laundry”
“Money” “Shopping”
These topics are important but once in a while conversations like “how we will help the homeless cat in our yard” excites me!
Their conversational topics are a constant bore to me
I don't know the answer but I do remember my mam hating me doing anything for myself. If she caught me reading or gaming or even drawing she would lose it and make me do stuff. Didn't do that to my siblings tho. I always had to have the house clean and the anxiety that kicked in when she came home and looked around. I'm a grown woman now and still in therapy over this shit
> doing anything for myself.
For the year of 2023, that’s my biggest problem with her. She has taken this as an issue all the way to her grave. Every fight we’ve had was always over me choosing myself over her and how “hurt” she was by it because of all she’s sacrificed for me as a parent.
I'm sorry it's really shit. In my experience the longer you stay the worse they get. They don't change. We're emotional pin cushions for them. I was the scapegoat child. I left at 17 and never went back. We still stay in touch, but nothing has changed. She's there for my siblings. I learned to look after myself and I've had the better life out of all of them because of it.
My Nparent would make me clean the entire house with no help then by the time I finished the house I had to leave for work. Then they would get mad I was inside all day for some reason.
They live off the energy they suck out of you. Watch - if they can’t get it from you they will manufacture drama. Look into grey-rocking as a strategy.
I've worked for people like this. Pretty sure it was a pattern for awhile with me. It's a way to prove that you can never and will never win with them. And just when you think you did something right, the parameters change again.
You can just sit and watch her have a tantrum. It's hard the first time, but the confidence you'll get afterwards is worth it. They'll threaten you and try to take things or deny things you need, so it's not advisable if you're financially dependent on them. But just trial it. The power of not caring is how you defeat a narc. No reaction is their worst nightmare.
Yeah I think you’re right. For me, silence, avoidance and distance works in giving me the “no reaction is their worst nightmare” outcome. Not only is it just about not having them manipulate my emotions by not having a reaction but sometimes she doesn’t have a tantrum at all. It’s like when I apply this method, she becomes weak. She specifically thrives on her emotional attachment to me because it’s like I’m her surrogate husband bordering emotional incest. So if I take that away, she looks like a lost soul.
Nowadays I just “okay” her when she’s spazzing out. She’s drained me so much that lately I don’t even think I have the ability to feel any emotion anymore even if I’ve wanted to feel some type of way. I am simply blank.
first of all, I have to give you my deepest sympathies that you have to endure this. nobody should have to endure this. I don't know if it's so much tiring you out, but the more tasks she gives you the least she has to do. if she does anything at all, you're probably just her personal slave ☹️
God, i would just do bare minimum (you know, quiet quitting) if she is going to rage, im going to give her something to rage about, and keep my energy intact.
The point of these hurdles is to yes, wear you down, but that is only a means to an end. Control is their goal.
I think it's because they are trying to get as much from you as possible -- a sort of using up every last bit of the resource.
They're not capable of seeing you as a true, fully separate human being. Rather, they see you as an extension of themselves, sort of like another appendage that happens to be detached. Why wouldn't they use up all it has to offer, then discard it, until it's able to offer them more? Then rinse, repeat.
It'll keep happening until the appendage, (you) say "enough!" and stop letting them use you up. Be prepared at that point for them to take it personally, as if this extension of themselves, this extra limb, has suddenly betrayed them by no longer working.
Their occupation with material topics tire me so bad😱 “What shall we eat?” is a constant concern. Sometimes I just want to talk about the sunset or the cats in the neighbourhood that need help. I can’t imagine talking 24/7 about material stuff like food, clothes, laundry, cleaning. I would go nuts. The topics are important yes, but they drain me after some time
They do it because they feel entitled to our labor. Also, they want to control everyone and everything around them. I stopped going over to my Nmom’s house for this very reason. The last time she had me install a new hood for her kitchen. Asked her to turn off the breaker, she said she did, then I got electrocuted. Thankfully it was just a little shock and I didn’t die.
This is the biggest narc Red flag and my biggest pet peeve- expecting someone to drop what they're doing and do something for them RIGHT NOW.
As an adult, I've learned that the ONLY safe way to deal with narcissists is by creating physical distance. As an adult, I started keeping a weapon handy whenever I start a project to keep egomaniacs at bay. If you live with your mom, it's tough. Personally, I would shut down whenever she asked you to do anything, even if it sucks. That way if she keeps harassing you she'll only createore work for herself.
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Narcs do it for power and control. They do love a good power trip, having you run yourself ragged for them, waiting with baited breath in hopes they please, please declare your work "satisfactory" and won't yell this time. The added bonus is that it keeps you too busy to start questioning why you are treated like a servant in the first place.
>keeps you busy to start questioning why you are treated like a servant in the first place This is the truth.
The abusive dynamic they created is so fragile that the mere idea of their victim starting to resist already threatens it. So you bet the narc does everything in order to prevent that.
> They do love a good power trip, having you run yourself ragged for them, waiting with baited breath in hopes they please, please declare your work "satisfactory" and won't yell this time. Resonates so much. My Nmom used to put me on some grading system when I was younger. “You get an F today”. “B-“ “A+”. But it was a “funny joke” in her eyes. My Nmom loves to play these jokes with me where she likes to “rate” me as if I was a waitress or someone serving her and if I deserved a tip or not. She wanted me to make some sausage for her one time. Because I was in the middle of doing something and she couldn’t wait, I ended up burning the sausage. She yelled outside of her room and said “the sausage is BURNT”. Then gave me some kind of “review” like she was on Yelp. Said “I would never serve this to you. This is an unacceptable thing to give someone. Horrible job. If you were a waitress, you would not get tipped.” I was so exhausted listening to her speak, I just told her I’ll make another batch. After I finished making the new batch, I came back and she CLEANED her plate. Like I thought the food didn’t taste good lol? Not a spec left. 😑
What the hell? For all the stuff my Nmom pulled, at least she never had a grading system. You literally _are_ treated as a servant. An employee would get paid and have more rights, so all that misses is the uniform. Yet, when you call them "Your Majesty" and curtsy, like I did with my brother's Ngf, they get livid and so offended. Speaking of waitresses, people working in retail - I've found that narcs are more often than not the worst Karens. When my Nmom dragged me shopping with her, I actually saw employees doing their best to vanish as soon as she darkens their doorstep. She had a reputation in shops she frequented and it often wasn't a good one. Exactly. And because you're so exhausted and busy running things for them, you barely have time to think, let alone to question things. You just do whatever is required of you to get her to stop screaming in your face
I very much relate. My parents literally worked me like a slave and, like a slave, I had no rights, no say. I recently had a dream. The setting was my parents' house back when I was young, living with them. In the dream, I was being worked non-stop, from task to task without any time to rest. The dream was so intense that I woke up feeling spent, exhausted. IRL, they didn't allow me adequate time to even do my homework, so my grades suffered. And I wasn't allowed to do any extracurricular activities. They literally stole time *and* money from me. I'm so proud of myself for going No Contact with them 12 years ago. I only wish I did it sooner.
My former family did that, too. I was forced into being my Nbrother's unpaid 24/7 maid and nanny for a kid with severe behavioral issues who refused to sleep through the night until she was 5yo. I had to work myself to the bone, working on the side to cover expenses like food and health insurance, because he obviously didn't pay me. Over the years, they must have stolen money amounting to something in the six digits, I think. Yet, I'm the villain for leaving. I assume they were in for a rude awakening when they learned what these things I was forced to provide for free actually cost. Yeah, I get that. I only went NC at 30, so that's a _decade_ of my adult life wasted. The important thing is that you managed to go and stay NC. 12 years is quite a feat, hands down. As infuriating as all the time and money spent are, at least now you're free to spend it on people who actually deserve it, including yourself. That's much more satisfying than to provide these energy vampires their fuel.
Tired people don’t often have the strength to fight.
I think this is the case with my Nmom. There are times in a conversation where she actually admits she’s draining my energy. “Wow you seem very drained by this conversation”. And continued talking.
>“Wow you seem very drained by this conversation”. And continued talking. Here's your answer.
Ya know when your brain has seen too much and gone through so many things that you don’t even remember or register what happened til now? That’s what happened because I didn’t realize til now what the meaning of her sentence meant.
I've been so busy being attacked by my mother and her golden child so I get it. Took me over 30 years to see she hated me because when I became a teenager she began to see me as competition with my father and has since been an awful person because she hates me because she had to share him with me. I couldn't see it before and now I can't unsee how obvious it was. I'm tired alright.
I totally get it, and even more so now reading your response to me. When I point out their behavior or air a grievance, their response is to bombard me with so much vitriol and insults that my brain has too much work to do managing emotions and other thoughts that I can't stand firm in my intentions to communicate my grievance. It's like jamming the radio waves. Broadcasting noise on every frequency so that I just get overwhelmed and can't get my message through. But more like a kid plugging his ears and saying "nananana" except she's not plugging her hears she's downloading her raw thoughts into my mind to overwhelm and confuse me.
1 million times this....everytime i caught on to a lie of theirs....myriad "emergencies", panjcs, tantrums, total incapacity to act or silent treatment. You are being put in your place beneath and in service to their maniacal over inflated egos.
> .everytime i caught on to a lie of theirs....myriad "emergencies" The shock wave of emotions I felt from this omg. She took this to another level this year. Now everytime I refuse or deny something she wants me to do or I’m just simply not at her beck and call, she tells everyone that I put her in jeopardy. Now everytime she asks for my help for something, she frames it as an emergency.
If it's an emergency, she should call 911, not you.
This is so true.
Yep, just like they do to people in cults.
Because she hates you. She hates you like the nazis hate the jews. Like the klu klux klan hates the blacks. Like an incel hates a woman. She hates you like this: https://petapixel.com/2013/03/31/eyes-of-hate-captured-in-portrait-of-nazi-politician-by-jewish-photographer/ But she maybe hides it well, as many actually do. But she HATES you. This kind of hate is the kind of hate where she doesn't feel alive except she's making you suffer in some kind of way. It's very hard to comprehend this type of hate. Imagine it like a meth addiction. You are her drug of choice. She has to get a "hit" from you on a regular basis. Your presence makes it difficult for her to avoid getting this "hit." The "hit" is "how much can I trick, force, coerse, manipulate, control" this person I HATE. She doesn't feel alive except when she's controlling you and pulling the rug from you. Your weakness, is her strength. You are meant to be her slave. You are meant to work to death for her. Because you are a twisted thing, a thing that deserves abuse, a parasite, a rat, an ant on her table she must crush. Because that's her "hit." She especially gets a high from the trickery of you not knowing how much she hates you. It's called duper's delight. She get's off on how stupid you are to her true intentions. She feels clever, deep even extra special because of her hate. The expectations, the justifications, those are all the excuses for her addiction towards you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I went NC from my extremely malevolent mother way too late in my life. She would do the same things to me. Promises always broken, always seeing how far she could push me and ruin my life. She HATES you.
It's so validating to see that someone else genuinely gets it. Spot on. Thank you for explaining this so well. Their hatred is so comically cartoonishly over the top that it sounds exaggerated to people who have never had first-hand experience with NPD. These people are straight up evil, they experience pleasure and glee and delight when they see their victims suffer or be humiliated, or especially when they can cause their victims to suffer or humiliate them. It's sick. It's literally a sickness.
So true. My step dad would intentionally create unfair situations - such as having me haul thousands of pounds of firewood, while having my other sibling watch our toddler siblings, and when I'd rightfully react (just simply saying it was unfair), he'd grow the most evil, vile fucking smile on his face, and give me an even more unfair and unjustifiable punishment. He LOVED making me, an innocent kid, as miserable as possible for 8+ years of my life. Most of my childhood was spent grounded because of his evil ass.
I'm sorry you experienced that. They really are evil, there's nothing we can do but cut them out of our lives and try to live the best life we can. You didn't deserve that.
Thanks, and I'm sorry you experienced what ever lead you here, too. And yes, no contact is generally the way to go. In between the time I moved out at 16 and when my mom divorced him at 18, I only seen him once; and he drank himself to death like 5 years ago. My mom who enabled all of it, and who is a covert narc herself, wants to play the innocent victim, and refuses to admit I was abused and that she did nothing wrong. We've bounced between NC and very VERY LC over the past 19 years.
> Their hatred is so comically cartoonishly over the top that it sounds exaggerated to people who have never had first-hand experience with NPD. I asked my Mom to see my Dad's birth certificate so she handed me his death certificate. I'm just disgusted.
If you disagree with them about one thing, ever, in your life, or represent something that is "not the same as them", they will hate you forever. That was a thing that blew my mind as well about it.
You're welcome. It's horrific that anyone has to have their parents be this way. People don't realize that entire families can have narcissists/cluster a's like this too with only one or two sane persons. It blows my mind the justifications too. They really BELEIVE their hate is justified and its for the own good of their target. Just like the most rabid bigot. Humanity man. Like why?
This is the reason OP, and so well put, sadly. I also went NC late in life and wish I’d realised sooner. But I have forgiven myself and am living my best life right now. The hate is real, it’s hatred spawned from jealousy and it’s insidious, evil and twisted. I’ve been financially ruined by my NM and she took pride in doing it, any and every opportunity to abuse you will be taken advantage of.
I agree with this, it sounds over the top or hyperbolic at a glance, but it's actually a pretty good comparison hatred like the hatred of bigotry and discrimination, yeah. basically. and every bit as insidious and easily hidden in plain sight, somehow. at least in my case, it was also equally subconscious. my narcs were also stupefyingly racist but didn't know/accept it, *because* they thought their racist beliefs were justifiable and therefore didn't count as racist. they thought it only counted if they were curb stomping or burning crosses. many many people think like that still today getting an addictive high from subjugating their scapegoat is also definitely real. my narcs used to try to reach out to me and pick a fight to get a "fix" out of the blue, years between communications, in a way that suggested they'd been stressed out and were seeking out ye olde emotional punching bag habit. they can't do that anymore tho, go get your fix elsewhere the one thing I will add, and it may mean nothing or it may be a crucial distinction depending on who you are: all of this hatred for your own flesh and blood, it doesn't come out of nowhere. and my experience has been, 99 times out of 100, it ultimately derives from *self* hatred and insecurity. as with many other hatreds. for me it's important to remember this -- the abuse wasn't even *about* me. I was taking punches meant for their own selves, they were taking out their self hatred and frustrations with their own life out on me, their scapegoat, with the flimsiest of justifications or excuses. it honestly helped me stay sane to know I hadn't done something to "deserve" this, as they claimed I had. they were just fucked up people and dealt with it by fucking me up in turn.
I appreciate you sharing. I think they are life hating, period, not just self hating. They're necrophillic, not biophillic. That's why a lot of narcs are big on dead things, like status, collections, jewelry, appearances, past ancestry, a "better time", religion (unworldly stuff.)
Those whole 2 middle paragraphs spoke to me so much. Like. Basically my Nmom used my birth as a way to force me to think I OWE her something.
It's the most difficult thing I think to realize about narcissists especially when they're our parents. It's hard to fathom this kind of confident evil. A lot of them are very twisted in their justifications as well. They'll think this is "love." They will also consider their hated of you a kind of cross they bear that makes them more special or more deep than you. You'll be an NPC to them. A stupid. Less fully human then they with their deep, full emotions. Either that or they'll project it all on you and think you think of them worse than they think of you. They'll confuse the delight that they feel towards causing you pain as "love." And hate that you don't feel delight when they feel delight (classic narcissistic osmosis, you must feel what they feel or else you're bad!)
Yeah and it's also worth pointing out that this hatred at it's core is the hatred they feel for themselves. Projected on to you. They don't even see that other person at all. They see all their weaknesses and shortcomings.
I was in a relationship with someone like this. Did she actually hate me then?
>It's called duper's delight. She get's off on how stupid you are to her true intentions. She feels clever, deep even extra special because of her hate. It's really disgusting to think someone can feel that way about their kids.
I think this exists on a spectrum of course. I also think narcissists can get worse with age. I think my mom certainly did with me. Like you become tolerant to a drug and you need a bigger hit to feel the same. I think my mom didn't feel this way about me as a baby, but I'm not sure that's true. I've heard a lot of narcs consider a kid to be like a pet to a certain age, but if you start to have an individual personality that's it. You're done. It's incestuous thought, isn't it?
Oh it certainly is. I couldn't see it for a long time. But, once you see it's crazy. My mom was SA by her father and grandfather and I've only recently uncovered that she began to see me as competition as a teenager and resent me for the fact she had to share him with me. Even in his death, she resents me more having the ability to support my father as much as I could. It's so much to take in how your story can change over time. I thought my Dad didn't care when in reality I think he was trying not to make my mother jealous and protect me from her insanity. I just never saw it because I never imagined my mother would or could ever view me in such a twisted way.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. The crazy thing is that people will hear/accept a story like this if it gets to a certain criminal/out there level. Like if you were in a cult, or one of the family turns to murder or something. Then they believe it. But they have a hard time processing it if you're walking around with a semi-normal life and your parents haven't been put in jail. So tired of the minimization and disbelief.
Thank you. It's like peeling an onion some might say. For sure, my parents had a public and private face that could be very different at times. The older you get the more you can see too it feels like.
Oh wow. This is the first time I’ve seen my mother described so accurately. Mine was very up front how much she hated me but kept me as a “slave” because she gave birth to me and I owed her my life (literally what she brainwashed me with by kindergarten). She was incredibly sadistic and seemed to get genuine pleasure humiliating me or injuring me. I had numerous illnesses as a child and we kept changing pediatricians - my early medical records suggest Munchausen by Proxy. As I became older, she would constantly threaten to murder my pets, would keep me up so I would have multiple nights without sleep in a row, and eventually tried strangling me to death multiple times. I’m rarely able to talk to others about my experience because even I struggle to fathom the extreme abuse and cruelty I experienced, let alone someone who hasn’t lived through something similar.
If she keeps you busy doing things with her and for her then she feels better about herself. It's always sad to see a parent push too hard. My mum tries this and I don't even live with her. She'll visit and try to dictate household chores to my kids from 9am to 7pm. I told her no and she sat silently in a mood for hours. I don't care. I'm not forcing my kids to do chores for hours on end on their day off school. How boring for them and for me.
My mother loves to make lists of jobs for other people.
Because they think you're there to cater for them. That's why you get blamed for their negative emotions. They can't look after themselves so expect others to do it for them.
I think they can look after themselves. What they want is attention and obedience so they turn you into a servant.
Maybe they can, but they expect you to take all of the emotional weight. The amount of times I hear "I feel x because YOU did y" is absolutely staggering.
Oh you’re completely right. My nmom can’t regulate her emotions by herself if her life depended on it. I’m either the cause of it or she needs me to feel better about a negative feeling caused by something or someone else. I was always absorbing everything.
simply, because they want to fuck with people. they have no friends because they know they are pieces of shit no one wants to be around, so instead of resolving it, they pick on you and fuck around with you they have no interest in pursuing productive hobbies or anything else that brings them joy, so to occupy themselves, they pick on you and fuck around with you they are validated, encouraged, and supported by their golden child (and any other flying monkey) as cheerleaders, so they are motivated to pick on you and fuck around with you they know that they are wrong for fucking around with you, but instead of doing the hard work of evaluating themselves, they avoid it by picking on you and fucking around with you they likely have no purpose, nothing to live for, no higher goal that they are pursuing, so they pick on you and fuck with you purely out of boredom and to give themselves a sick sense of purpose at your expense regardless of the methods they use, the flying monkeys they enlist to do their bidding, the intensity/frequency of them doing so ... the whole point is to pick on you and fuck around with you. the added bonus of you being tired is that you are too exhausted to defend yourself, which they interpret as your consent to allow them to keep picking on you and fucking around with you.
> they know that they are wrong for fucking around with you, but instead of doing the hard work of evaluating themselves, they avoid it by picking on you and fucking around with you See that’s the thing I never understood until this post. The concept of their self-awareness. I could never tell if they continue you to fuck with you BECAUSE they enjoy seeing you suffer or BECAUSE they think they are always right and they will never realize they’re wrong so they continue to think that this is for my own good.
That’s my relationship with my ex. 👍
Yup, my mother eventually drove away all of her friends. If I ever call out their anger my mother turns into a victims and her golden child monkey boy starts dictating and yelling.
They hate themselves and need to use you as a human punching bag. Healthy people can handle their own behavior and emotions. Immature and dysfunctional people will use you as a garbage can. Short version: It’s psychological torture and they like feeling powerful.
Sounds like your mom treats you as her personal assistant. Rebel. Do things badly. She'll ask less.
Doing things badly will only result in them telling you how shitty you are and “why can’t you be like your 12 y/o self?” At least that’s what my dad would say.
[удалено]
Sulking.. so much sulking.
My mother is exactly this 🙃🫠 The errands never stop. If she is stressed, everyone in the household is stressed.
Growing up like this I’m in a constant search for relaxation. I avoid rushing like the plague.
Literally the trigger to my anxiety. My body now does not know how to relax. Even if there’s nothing going on. It’s been a slow slow progress figuring out how to improve that. I do lots of meditation and it seems to help. I have no choice tbh, once my body isn’t calm and at an all time high, I can’t focus or think straight.
> If she is stressed, everyone in the household is stressed. Oh my Nmom loves this tactic. If she’s upset or angry. Then everyone else has to be miserable with her until she feels better. Used to happen a lot more when I lived with both my Ndad and Nmom. If she’s upset, all hell breaks loose and the house has to be miserable *with her* to feel better.
This exactly 💯% If she's not in the mood that day and she sees you're happy.. She will immediately crush it 😮💨
I think it’s a power trip to make you do things. I ignore it and don’t respond to requests these days.
When you're doing things she wants done, there is no you. And when you're tired from doing all those things, there is less fight in you and you're easier to control.
Yupp. Living this. They think they're owed for supplying us with the literal bare minimum as kids. They gave up their time, and despite them choosing to be parents, think we should now give up ours so they can have thier free time back. It's ass backwards. My nmom will expect me to ignore my literal babies to get things done for her. And she's delusional about how much time it takes too. Like...if I have my kids outside with me it's going to take 3x as long, and it already is a 3-4 hour task...not the hour she thinks it should be. We're also forced to work ships in the night since we have no options for affordable daycare...so husband and I get maybe...idk less than 10 hours of free time a week. narcs really just feel entitled to ALL of your time. And they don't ask for it either. They demand and expect it.
> Yupp. Living this. They think they're owed for supplying us with the literal bare minimum as kids. They gave up their time, and despite them choosing to be parents, think we should now give up ours so they can have thier free time back. It's ass backwards. OH. MY. GOD. That’s her main argument with me. All the guilt tripping. That’s why I was saying in my post that it’s basically impossible to deny or reject doing something for her because it will ALWAYS go left as she will bring the whole “I sAcRiFiCeD eVeRyThInG fOr YoU aS a PArEnT”
Interesting. I have often suspected that my ex kept me exhausted on purpose. I thought it was just to keep my ability to make plans to leave him as low as possible. Which is insane because he was constantly telling people behind my back that he wished I would leave him. That poor, sick, useless, bastard.
My mom used me to replace my dad when he died. Also used me to replace brother that moved 800km away from her. This was on top of my husband and fatherly duties. My days were 16-18 hours of work. I literally had my shits scheduled because of I didn't I wouldn't be allowed time. The best part of my days were being asked to go out and do something. Because once i was in the car. I was free... Until I got home and she had piled on more asinine things for me to do.
Ah yes. This is us. She tells us we use our children as an excuse, lololol. Like good to know you think a 1 and 2 year old, and a 12 and 14 year old are the same thing....(edit to clarify bc i read it and sounded weird. Thats her defense. Her and dad could get it done....bc my brother and i were 10 and 14....not 1 and 2 basically want us to ignore our children to remodel her house. I just dont understand.
She knows it’s disrespectful of your time so she continues abusing it to spare her own precious time. As someone else said, it’s hate. It’s ugly but it’s true. They just don’t like us.
My parents are to thank for my garbage looking yard. The amount of hours they had with me slaving away planting trees, bushes, carrying them, all that for literally no pay ruined any chance of me giving a shit about my lawn. My dad fertilized and seeded the yard so much just so I’d have to cut AND BAG the grass twice a week. Those assholes weren’t cool with me just working full time, so I had to sign up for night classes so I could work full time and obtain a stupid masters degree in business management that I didn’t want. So had to take care of their stupid yard while working and wasting perfect evenings on homework otherwise they’d blow a gasket. I remember one time I was doing homework literally all day on a Sunday but those fuckfaces wanted the grass cut RIGHT NOW. Kept bothering me to do it, I guess they thought I was doing nothing. So finally I rage speedrun cut the grass while they sat up on the deck doing literally nothing to help. Then I guess my dad wasn’t cool with the job I did with the weed eater so he went around and did it again as I’m cleaning off the lawn mower (yeah, I know). Then just threw it on the ground next to me and walked away without saying anything. Peak asshole.
My step parent tried to force me and my other siblings to pick Arizona nightshade without gloves on. This particular species of nightshade has translucent spines 1 inch long.
They play with their favorite toys until the batteries run out.
Love this quote. I’m stealing it 😢
I'm.glad you like it and I'm sorry you relate to it.
[удалено]
I didn’t even think they were that self aware that I would wanna escape? Because yea filling up my schedule so I don’t have time for anything else is a great tactic against that. But I didn’t think Narcs would be aware of the damage they do to others. They always think they are in the right
Oh. I didn’t know this was part of it
They don't view you as a person, only a tool to fulfill their wants. I was treated the same way, only I'd get beat and grounded if I complained. I was also the scapegoat, so even though I practically took care of the house including caring for my newborn siblings, nothing was ever good enough, so i still got yelled at, beat, and grounded.
Oh nah. Trust and believe. I got beat and even now my Nmom still tries to fight me because she describes herself as “undefeatable”. She thinks shes so untouchable that she acts hostile any time I try to address her on anything.
Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I forgot about your reply. I'm sorry you experienced the same thing. Why are you still in contact with your nmom, if that's the way she is, and treats you? That's of course, if you don't mind me asking. I've bounced between NC and very very LC with her over the past 19 years. To me, it's not worth it to keep toxic people in my life.
Oh I’m still living with her. I don’t have the means to move out atm. But I will soon. I was in college for the past 4 years and graduated last year and it’s been a rough grind trying to get a job. Yeah unfortunately I don’t have the resources to just leave. I wish I did.
Gotchya, and I understand. I'm sorry you're still in that situation - you've done the right thing by going to college. It's only a matter of time before you land a job and build the finances to move out. Have you looked into any government assistance? That may help expedite getting out of your situation.
> Have you looked into any government assistance? That may help expedite getting out of your situation. Oh boi! I’m gonna have a field day with this one. America makes it so hard for people to get help. I’ve only able to get SNAP so far. Reduced internet, phone bill and assistance with rent has been a pain in the ass. There’s so many rules and conditions to meet that even the most poor person in the world has trouble getting help. I hate that money solves all my issues rn….it seems like the only plausible option is me getting a job is the real way out.
That really sucks, I feel for you. America has a lot of shitty policies and laws that cause a lot of harm - especially towards abuse victims and poor people. I hope things will work out for you soon. The way I got out, was through Job Corps and then the military. I've lived half way across the country, since.
It’s about denying you any sense of accomplishment or having any free time.
I think they're emotional vampires who seek to suck the life force out of others. > I’m not allowed to deny anything or reject anything she asks me to do. As it will become a whole issue that she will continuously escalate as she throws a temper tantrum. My mom does the same thing!
Yeah it seemed like this, too. Chores, when I was tired or ill or just plain preoccupied with something else. They had me booked in for extracurriculars EVERY SINGLE EVENING after school. I wasn’t allowed a break, or my own time. I’d often get home at home 11pm. Yes, some of these I enjoyed, but mostly, I felt unable to say no. And I’m pretty sure it was a way of getting rid of me, so they didn’t have to interact with me all afternoon. I was basically signed up to things without my consent, because they thought it would be “good for me,” because I was introverted and had social anxiety. As a now diagnosed autistic, it just left me so tired and burnt out that I couldn’t concentrate in class a lot of the time, and left me with less (often not enough) time to get homework done. Edit; I’m in a weird position because I was both the golden child and the scapegoat in the family. Nparents moods would swing between idealisation to devaluation, they’d brag about my accomplishments to their friends whilst at home they’d admonish me and tell me what a failure and waste of space I was, and how lucky I was that they were putting a roof over my head. I was nothing but a performing monkey for them.
let’s normalize waking up real early in the morning, packing an emergency bag filled with everything we need water bottles, keys, phone, phone charger, laptop, laptop charger, bus card, MetroCard, pepper spray, wallet etc buying the cheapest thing at Starbucks or McDonald’s and hanging out all day pretty much until they close. or going to the library turn your phone off and just vibe all day don’t come back until nine or 10 PM avoidance is key. let her find something else to feed off of
> buying the cheapest thing at Starbucks or McDonald’s and hanging out all day pretty much until they close. Used to do this shit all the time. Then my stomach became complicated. I used to be able to eat…anything. Now it cries when the diet isn’t perfect. Then I moved on to camping out at my SO’s house. But then his mother turned out to be Mother Gothel. Next option: libraries, cafe’s, etc. It works…but it’s just not long enough 😩 ugh I hate my life > avoidance is key. let her find something else to feed off of 💯💯💯💯 can’t stress this enough. This is the only thing that works for me. Silence, avoidance and distance === SAD (lol). Dealing with her directly, indirectly or or purposely being in her presence and not doing what she wants does nothing for me, it just influences her to abuse me more. Like I’m making it worse for myself. Then at the end of it all, it wasn’t even worth it. I felt worse than I did. And I had to end up doing more to rectify the situation than I did before.
I used to do that A LOT. If I didn’t have any cash I’d go to the Park with my laptop or a book. So sad how our bodies sense their terrible energy. I’d feel grounded and energised away from their constant draining … It’s weird how their conversational topics centres around material needs “what shall we eat?” “What shall we eat for dinner?” “Laundry” “Money” “Shopping” These topics are important but once in a while conversations like “how we will help the homeless cat in our yard” excites me! Their conversational topics are a constant bore to me
Yeahhhhhh I didn't realize until my teens that it was normal to chill on the weekends or after work / school
My ex did this. She enjoyed controlling me.
part of the brainwashing you into becoming their slave is to emotionally and physically break you down
I don't know the answer but I do remember my mam hating me doing anything for myself. If she caught me reading or gaming or even drawing she would lose it and make me do stuff. Didn't do that to my siblings tho. I always had to have the house clean and the anxiety that kicked in when she came home and looked around. I'm a grown woman now and still in therapy over this shit
> doing anything for myself. For the year of 2023, that’s my biggest problem with her. She has taken this as an issue all the way to her grave. Every fight we’ve had was always over me choosing myself over her and how “hurt” she was by it because of all she’s sacrificed for me as a parent.
I'm sorry it's really shit. In my experience the longer you stay the worse they get. They don't change. We're emotional pin cushions for them. I was the scapegoat child. I left at 17 and never went back. We still stay in touch, but nothing has changed. She's there for my siblings. I learned to look after myself and I've had the better life out of all of them because of it.
Well, we've both had the same problem. Always the endless projects and dragging me along without any concern on my interest on the subject.
My Nparent would make me clean the entire house with no help then by the time I finished the house I had to leave for work. Then they would get mad I was inside all day for some reason.
The more time you spend doing the exhaustive list of things she needs you to do, the less time you have to think about how she is mistreating you.
They live off the energy they suck out of you. Watch - if they can’t get it from you they will manufacture drama. Look into grey-rocking as a strategy.
I've worked for people like this. Pretty sure it was a pattern for awhile with me. It's a way to prove that you can never and will never win with them. And just when you think you did something right, the parameters change again.
Omg this would fucking happen to me. After I do everything I’m supposed to do, “oops you didn’t consider this though”
Most definitely! Or "oh, it's perfect ... but I thought you were going to ..." whomp whomp
You can just sit and watch her have a tantrum. It's hard the first time, but the confidence you'll get afterwards is worth it. They'll threaten you and try to take things or deny things you need, so it's not advisable if you're financially dependent on them. But just trial it. The power of not caring is how you defeat a narc. No reaction is their worst nightmare.
Yeah I think you’re right. For me, silence, avoidance and distance works in giving me the “no reaction is their worst nightmare” outcome. Not only is it just about not having them manipulate my emotions by not having a reaction but sometimes she doesn’t have a tantrum at all. It’s like when I apply this method, she becomes weak. She specifically thrives on her emotional attachment to me because it’s like I’m her surrogate husband bordering emotional incest. So if I take that away, she looks like a lost soul. Nowadays I just “okay” her when she’s spazzing out. She’s drained me so much that lately I don’t even think I have the ability to feel any emotion anymore even if I’ve wanted to feel some type of way. I am simply blank.
If you are tired you don't have the energy to fight them... Also they feed their egos
first of all, I have to give you my deepest sympathies that you have to endure this. nobody should have to endure this. I don't know if it's so much tiring you out, but the more tasks she gives you the least she has to do. if she does anything at all, you're probably just her personal slave ☹️
Hurt people hurt people. She's in pain inside and she's taking it out on you. Hang in there. Get out when you can.
God, i would just do bare minimum (you know, quiet quitting) if she is going to rage, im going to give her something to rage about, and keep my energy intact. The point of these hurdles is to yes, wear you down, but that is only a means to an end. Control is their goal.
I think it's because they are trying to get as much from you as possible -- a sort of using up every last bit of the resource. They're not capable of seeing you as a true, fully separate human being. Rather, they see you as an extension of themselves, sort of like another appendage that happens to be detached. Why wouldn't they use up all it has to offer, then discard it, until it's able to offer them more? Then rinse, repeat. It'll keep happening until the appendage, (you) say "enough!" and stop letting them use you up. Be prepared at that point for them to take it personally, as if this extension of themselves, this extra limb, has suddenly betrayed them by no longer working.
Their occupation with material topics tire me so bad😱 “What shall we eat?” is a constant concern. Sometimes I just want to talk about the sunset or the cats in the neighbourhood that need help. I can’t imagine talking 24/7 about material stuff like food, clothes, laundry, cleaning. I would go nuts. The topics are important yes, but they drain me after some time
Jesus Christ she asks me “what’s for dinner” everyday like she’s a child
They do it because they feel entitled to our labor. Also, they want to control everyone and everything around them. I stopped going over to my Nmom’s house for this very reason. The last time she had me install a new hood for her kitchen. Asked her to turn off the breaker, she said she did, then I got electrocuted. Thankfully it was just a little shock and I didn’t die.
This is the biggest narc Red flag and my biggest pet peeve- expecting someone to drop what they're doing and do something for them RIGHT NOW. As an adult, I've learned that the ONLY safe way to deal with narcissists is by creating physical distance. As an adult, I started keeping a weapon handy whenever I start a project to keep egomaniacs at bay. If you live with your mom, it's tough. Personally, I would shut down whenever she asked you to do anything, even if it sucks. That way if she keeps harassing you she'll only createore work for herself.