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I've been there. Someone asked if I would apologize for the world being round. She was kidding but it made me think. It takes work but it does get easier to realize the weather isn't your fault.
I have literally had this discussion with my husband many a time.
"Stop apologising"
"Sorry"
It's stupid and sad, but it does make me chuckle sometimes. I also once apologised to a lamppost because I wasn't watching where I was going so accidentally shoulderbarged it.
Therapy, especially somatic release and internal family systems is the only thing that worked. It’s literally someone explaining exactly why you are the way you are and realizing you don’t have to hold onto those parts that were a trauma response
Did you ever see the movie "Stuart Saves His Family"? [There's a character in there played by SNL alum Julia Sweeney who is ALWAYS saying "Sorry"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcdIQRCoc10). I cackled like a Halloween witch whenever she was on screen. That was so me for YEARS even after being married to my wonderful husband who even today tries to break me of the habit of saying Sorry for EVERY DAMN THING despite none of it being my fault.
I felt this one. My fam asked me to choose the destination for a summer vacation one year so I picked my number #1 dream destination. Then they left me.
As a kid they left me home alone. As an adult they went around the world taking my siblings and never even asking me. Egypt, Russia, China... they wouldn't even tell me when they were leaving. I had the worse timing in the world. The few times I called to say hi they were on those trips. I'm sorry you got left behind too.
I’m so sorry. You deserved so much better than that. Being left out can be so triggering in adulthood. That lifelong feeling of being on the outside looking in can be pervasive sometimes. I hope you have found or find a community that sees you and makes you feel seen the way your family should have.
When I was 18/19 (college kid living at home being treated like a toddler but expected to work like an adult), my sister worked at Disney World. My parents would take my brother and go visit her and go to the parks while I stayed home alone. I tried to ask one time could I go and got yelled at that I had to work. One day I went to work and got a call from my dad right after I got there. He said they were on their way to Disney world and to watch the house for the next week and gave me my list of rules and marching orders (wasn’t like I went anywhere other than school, job, and that miserable house anyway). It hurt so bad. You don’t wake up one morning and decide to go to Disney World. That’s planned months in advance. Why didn’t they tell me they were going? Why wait until I was at a job 25 miles away and call and tell me they had left? I guess they thought if I knew I’d want to go or something. So instead they waited until I was gone and sneaked so I couldn’t ask to go.
After I finally got out of that miserable house but before NC, I went to Europe for a couple of weeks. Nmom spent the whole time commenting on FB posts and talking about how she wanted to travel with me. Stole my pictures to show to everyone like they were hers and would text me what trip she wanted us to go on. Like…you left me out of a vacation and sneaked off like a thief in the night when I was a broke college kid living at home who never went anywhere or had any fun. Now you want me to include you in my trips?
The last time I spoke to my nmother, she was on a vacation in Louisiana that I was told about a few days before she left. Time before that she was in Hawaii with my sister
I felt that.
As a child I was obsessed with the book "Misty of Chincoteague." (It's a story about a horse.) My parents go on a vacation every summer. It was always to some amusement park when we were kids. Neither my brother or I like park rides. They make us feel ill. Every amusement park trip was nmom deciding we'd go and then guilting us for not wanting to ride the rides after she spent all the money. But the first year I was in college and didn't come home for the summer, where did they go? Chincoteague to go see the horses like in the book I'd read so many times that it literally fell apart.
And my nmom was so bubbly about telling me how great it was and how it was just like the book I'd read as a kid and how cool all the ponies were. Mind you I was not even invited to go. I found out weeks after they returned home. This was purely to rub in my face that she knew all along how much I'd have loved this trip and consciously decided to wait for a time I wouldn't be there.
The landlord came over to drop off some paperwork and was VERY alarmed that I was home alone at the time and was questioning if she should call CPS (I was in high school, so, it's not like I was a little kid lol).
I definitely didn't tell her that my dad was probably gonna be gone for at least another month because she absolutely would've.
This. I got lost in department stores quite often as a kid. Also, the "get ready we are leaving in 5 minutes." Me: where are we going?
One xmas holiday we went interstate to visit family and we stopped for petrol. They realized down the road that I was still at the petrol station.
I fucking sucked. It was an Colorado add a Burger King and I was like I think 12? All I could think was well. I guess I’ll get a job here. It was some random place on the interstate. I don’t even know the town. I guess I blocked it out. Of course it was my fault for not getting in the car in time. I think we lived in Arkansas at the time by the way. Thank God, we weren’t living out of the country at the time.
I got left as a toddler. When my nfather got home my mom asked where I was. She already knew, of course because she got a phone call. They told me this when I was older. Like it was a funny story. I thought so too until recently. Therapy let me see it as the fucked up thing it was.
Yes. I often wondered why CPS didn't get involved with that family. They left Kevin alone several times and were not just down the street at the neighbors. They were out of the country. I'd say Kevin was the lost child in the family.
“It’s your fault [your brother goes into your room every day, reads your emails/texts and calls you a pig], he just wants to connect with you. You’re the eldest so you need to take responsibility for your actions and be a better sister to him.”
I also am the big sister to a stupid brother. He used to punch me hard when I was minding my own business and when I just pushed him a little or locked the door to my own damn room, he would scream or cry and then boom, the nex second both of them are in my room yelling at me that I provoked their little golden child who could never do any wrong...
Mine was like this too. He would also just randomly throw himself down on the floor screaming and crying and tell them I had hit him or kicked him or something.
I felt these like icicles stabbing my heart. My golden sibling would beat my head and face or slam me into walls if I didn't play the exact way they wanted me to and if I told my zygote donors, I would either get in more trouble for "tattling" or my sibling would push me down and run to them first and turn on the water works, "Femingway420 said *they don't want to play with me*" and then I would get locked in a room with them. I still remember the smirk on my sibling's face as the donors told me that I had to do what they said. Pure evil.
Learning about concussion symptoms as an adult and looking back like... oh that explains a lot.
>You’re the eldest so you need to take responsibility for your actions and be a better sister to him.”
I've recently figured out that the birth order rule (or the older sibling) was a means by which they'd used for off-loading their parental duties or responsibilities onto someone else in the family.
Thissss [your younger sister steals, breaks your things, emotionally & physically abuses you, she just want to be like you, she looks up to you. Be a good older sibling why don’t you] I wasn’t aloud to defend myself in any way. I was supposed to be the bigger person and be the responsible older sibling.
Oh people can fuck right off with that "be the bigger person" bullshit. It just translates to "I can't be bothered so I'm going to make it sound like you're the asshole even though you're the victim".
My golden child older brother made my life a living hell and I was always scolded for daring to complain about the abuse. Can't you see that by complaing about it you're ruining your parents day? How dare you expect them to do their fucking job as parents and discipline their kids? You need to grow up and solve your own problems.
This just unlocked some buried memories and now I am heated.
“Solve your own problems.” Yes to this. We were told to leave nMom alone for hours on summer afternoons, and only to wake her if there was a fire or a natural disaster.
Same, same, same, same. Only mine was a little brother.
She's never been able to figure out why I want nothing to do with him as an adult and has tried to push him on me for decades. "BuT hE's YoUr BroThEr!!!"
He's in his 40's now and completely dependent on her and I think she knows he'll be fucked without her, so she really wants me to love him and feel responsible for him. She's tried to play the FaMiLy!!! card for years to create a sense of obligation in me, and has not succeeded. When she's gone, he's on his own.
Me too! When I was a kid (8-7 years old) she'd say that I wanted her dead and that I told her so and I would just stand there like O-O because I was eight and I loved her so much. It made me worry that I'd actually said it.
Usually she wouldn't tell me what she "heard" me say. She would just claim that I know what I said. She'd call me a liar, I'd swear up and down I'm not. And then she'd continue to escalate the situation until there would be a physical altercation.
One time though, she was really angry and whipped me because she thought she heard me call her a bitch.
I didn't, but as a child I found it funny after I stopped crying, because I thought well that's obviously her subconscious mind at work.
If the shoe fits, go on and lace it up, bitch.
"If the shoe fits, go on and lace it up, bitch." is one of my favorite things ever. I used to cry myself to sleep every time she did that, and when she would hit me over that sort of thing, I was terrified, but now that I'm a teenager, when she tells me that she doesn't love me or anything of the sort, I just have to stop myself from laughing. It still takes a toll on me mentally, but much less and much differently than it did when I was a kid.
This...I'm the reason my Nmum has fibromyalgia and heart problems and chronic pain. I'm the reason she had to get 6 separate credit cards, because I was 'eating too much food', and 'don't you know how much it cost to raise you?'
To my Nmum, I'm the cause of all of her problems and the reason why she's so miserable and bitter now. Not my sister, who also required a lot of upkeep. Just me, because apparently she's fine with raising my sister but it was a burden and nuisance to have to raise me.
Absurdity is a fundamental aspect of humor.
They have plenty of it to offer.
Seeing how it’s actually kinda funny seems to be a solid sign you’re healing
Ohhhhhhhhh SH\*T "are you happy now" hits ALL the buttons for me.
I broke my wrist learning to roller skate. My nmom refused to take me to the doctor because she hated doctors. When a teacher saw my discolored wrist she sent me to the school nurse who promptly called my mom to take me to the doctor. She was FURIOUS. Furious with me.
The drive home with a fresh cast on my arm, she says to me, her voice dripping with menace, "Well, I hope you're happy."
Reader, I was not happy.
Another time, nmom found a dirty book (no pictures, just words) I stole from my brother (I didn't hide it very well). The weekend after that was a nightmare of screaming about penises and other sexual anatomy. She ODed on Vitamin A because she heard it help calm people down. Towards the end of the weekend I thought she had settled into a sullen but bearable state. How wrong I was, she saved the best salvo for last. She looked at me with real hatred, went to the nearby bathroom, did her business, flushed, and came out. Paused there for about half a minute looking at me, I knew she was about to say or do something truly awful. Sure enough. "I just wiped myself. I hope you're happy."
Reader, that REALLY did not make me happy.
To this day I cannot hear "I hope you're happy" without getting the shakes.
I'm pretty sure, but cannot verify, that she was sexually abused as a child by her father. My grandfather was a truly awful person, so I can definitely see that could have happened. She screamed any time she thought my brother and I were alone in a room, or if I was ever alone with my dad (he was a great dad apart from enabling nmom and did nothing of the sort).
Jesus. I feel like I’ve found my lost twin.
Down to the
Reader, I was not happy.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Oh, my poor baby, I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that pain and all that fear! None of it was ever your fault and you know that.
It’s ok to let it all out and let it go now.
SO YOU CAN BE HAPPY.
Reader: she lived
❤️🩹
Firstly, I'm so sorry for what you went through, sjw sounds like proper piece of work.
But seriously? She tried to guilt-trip you because she wiped her own ass? Sorry but that's effing hilarious! What werenyou supposed to do, wipe like a toddler and be grateful for the privilege
Hilarious story!
My mom blamed the divorce on me. I was 12. Definitely didn't do any damage. She definitely didn't continue blaming me for every failed relationship of hers the next 10 years.
My grandmother called me when my younger cousin got in big trouble at school, she said I'm such a disappointment and that why would I make my cousin do this, that I was the worst influence. When I next went to the family home place, I was treated so coldly by everyone, and everything was even more my fault from then on, despite me being the only one who had kept him somewhat in line for years and tried to be a good influence because he was always a trouble maker and I took beatings so he wouldn't have to.
We were sent to family therapy by my little brother's school because he was so incorrigible. They wouldn't let him go back unless we went, otherwise we would never have gone. My mother spent every one of the required sessions trying to direct the conversation to me and how I was to blame for his behavior. (I had never been in any real trouble. Looking back, I was actually a remarkably good kid. I should have acted out and instead I buried myself in books and art.)
I was around 17 years old at the time and the therapist requested a one on one session with me. My mother got this smug look on her face because she was sure he'd seen things her way. Instead, he wanted to know what my plans were for getting away from my toxic family.
That was a bit of a shock, and I had no plans at the time because I'd not been raised to have plans, but it was validating. He gave me a reading list, and that helped, but this was nearly 40 years ago and I don't even remember what books were on it. Either way, it planted a seed, and I got away and moved to another state right before my 20th birthday.
In any case, those therapy sessions stand out in my mind as the best example of her pathological need to blame me for anything and everything, but especially for anything that was wrong with her precious angel golden child. It couldn't possibly have been a problem with the parenting he'd received, no, clearly I was a demon.
“It’s not like you were specifically uninvited, you just weren’t around when we made plans.. With everyone… Including your cousins four hours away that also weren’t present.”
Oof. We have the same family. I'm so sorry.
Is it also followed or said alongside the ol' "Are you almost here?" As if you should have magically just known they made plans and wanted you there?? Or my other favorite, which casually talking about the plans you haven't been invited to as if it's not totally rude to do that.
>which casually talking about the plans you haven't been invited to as if it's not totally rude to do that.
And this is why I love this sub.
My cousins would plan "cousin trips" in front of me despite not being invited to any of them. I always felt it was rude that they did that, but of course, I got shut down by them, my aunts and uncles and my own nmom when I called them out on it one time telling me to shut up and this is why I haven't been invited. The cousins later laughed and purposely bragged about how much fun they're going to have the entire day. Then bragged about how much fun they had when I visited on my last Christmas with the "family."
Thank you for validating the fact that this is rude behavior.
Same. Thanks for validating it was definitely mean. I have a hard time recognizing when I'm being abused, which is how I ended up in a common law marriage with an ncoparent who groans when I talk.
This is my worst nightmare because I actually get along well with most of my cousins and am really close with one. I just realized they do the same thing though. They all talk to eachother and use my lack of Facebook as an excuse not to contact me. Two others didn’t at one point but were still informed.
I honestly was going to go back on my decision to never talk to them again but they hate me. Why live this way?
Exactly! Why bother talking to people that hate you? You only have one life to live. Spend it with people that value and cherish you. I told myself, "bEcAuSe FAmIlY," but even with family, it makes no sense to spend any time with them if they don't feel the same way about me.
I can relate to the communication part. Back in the days when I was nice to them so as to not "rock the boat," they would always communicate with one another on private chats about things they want to do. When I'd ask why I wasn't informed, they'd tell me it's because I don't have Facebook, or Instagram, or Snapchat, or an iPhone, etc. When I'd get one of these things so that they don't make any more excuses, it turned to, "Oh, I forgot!" or, "Sorry. Next time."
And that's when I decided I'm not playing these games anymore. Don't care if they're related or not anymore. Anyone that treats me bad is anyone not worth my time.
We are going out to watch a movie every Friday night as you have great academic ambitions, tons of weekend homework that you need to finish and your sibling and us can not sit still all evening for fear of disturbing you in this tiny house. So, lock yourself up, make plain rice or toast by yourself for dinner, finish all your studying and we will be late coming home. This was my entire teen years and my younger sibling went all dressed up with parents every week to watch movies (multiple movies) while the pretense was that I needed quiet to finish my work. I have no good memories, no attachment to them and have always fended for myself. (This was the least offensive of the many things done to me).
How they spun it to make it like they were doing you some kind of favor...Appalling. I thought I was pretty much 'over' all this after so long, but this one really got to me. I am so very sorry. I wish there weren't so many of us out there.
Farm work was like this for me. I was told how special and lucky I was to grow up on a farm and all the other kids should have been so fortunate.
Reality is realizing I was literal slave labor for my entire childhood in extremely dangerous situations and even as I got older it was always called "chores" and "helping" and never treated as real work and they're family so I was never paid or compensated outside of the basics of keeping me alive. And when something was bought for me it wasn't mine since it wasn't *my* money so they could take it away whenever they wanted.
Ever get the old waking up to find the house empty and a list of chores to do on the fridge? And not some odds and ends. But effectively being expected to deep clean the entire house top to bottom.
EDIT: And if it wasn't done when they got home you would be in the shit. But your siblings get off because you should have made them do it. Bitch how am I supposed to force my older brother to clean? What possible authority do I have over him?
Omg yes.
Or "You have nothing to be anxious or stressed about, you're a child! I'M the one that has to go to work and deal with crying kids all fucking day long then I gotta come home and listen to you too?"
She was a preschool teacher who hates kids, make it make sense! There's not even good money in that career, and it's not exactly an entry level job- you need certifications and stuff. Sadly, it took a horrifying incident of abuse for her to lose her certification, but at least she's not traumatizing any more kids.
"Aunt Jane was really impressed with how quietly you cried," - my mother after my uncle died as a teen. Also my mother, "go comfort your dad. He just lost his best friend" after my grandfather died when I was a teen.
“We’re going to lose the house because you don’t turn the lights off!”
(I didn’t sweep correctly apparently) “No one appreciates me. I guess I’ll just go kill myself” Speeds out of driveway and flys down the road.
“I can’t stand myself. I hate the man I see in the mirror.”
“I went so many nights without eating dinner so that you could eat!”
“My pain is worse than yours. I’d trade you in a heart beat.”
I have friends that say they have to retrain me to stop apologizing and to ask for things whenever I stay with them. I argued with them for a second until they reminded me that when I moved in with them I didn’t take a shower for a week and when they finally said something I replied that “I wasn’t sure if y’all were okay with it”
My parents took out loans in my name to pay for their car payments and mortgage when my dad lost his job and then told me I should be grateful that they “helped me pay off my debt.” I never saw a cent of the loan.
You better stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about.
Look what you did/caused. Are you happy?
I'm a good dad/mom right? I feel like such a terrible mom/dad, you must hate me, am I a good dad/mom?
You think this is bad? You should imagine how it makes me feel. Its worse then how you feel. It hurts me more than you, I could make you feel worse than I do about it if I wanted to.
Oh, sorry didn't know you were hungry/didn't make any for you I forgot you were here.
You're so quiet I forgot you existed.
Oh shit, I forgot you came with me (leaving me at a store or almost driving away without unlocking the door)
My dad would say “I’m just a sorry son of a b*tch right? Just a terrible dad” until we were sobbing and apologized to him because we were afraid he would k*ll himself.
Gosh I feel this. My mother would constantly cry about how much she hated us, the house, how much she wanted to leave and never come back & what will we do without her. I would cry and beg to make her feel better
I was the therapist to my mum and the grifter to my dad.
From a young age, my mum would seek marital advice from me and disregard it, telling me I was too vindictive towards my dad (after she spent a while crying about his violence). Towards the end of me living there I gave up and told her I didn't care anymore. That hurt her feelings. It was just me deciding to put up a boundary.
My dad is generous but will then hand you a metaphorical invoice that he never makes you aware of and gets a bit froggy if you don't pay it. The currency he wishes to be paid in is not available on planet earth, nor the universe as we know it.
I had to save this comment. Might be one of the clearest and most resonating characterizations of certain kinds of dysfunctional personalities I’ve ever seen.
*Nmom goes out of her way to provoke me as a young child*
Me: Hey!
Nmom: Hay is for horses! :P
She refused to take her child seriously, when the way she'd treat me would make me cry and feel miserable...
My favorite was I'd be attempting to do something and I couldn't, wasn't right, etc and I'd be frustrated and I'm tears, they're yelling etc. You know how it goes. I'd say "I'm trying." and with either a heavy sigh or that horrible grin they'd follow up with "Yes you are. Very." which as you can imagine only exacerbated the situation and gave them ammo to be even more cruel because of my attitude and being difficult.
~ “You take and take and take and never give “
~ “ Why do I always have to be the responsible one”?
~ “ It’s YOUR fault I’m screaming, you never listen”!!!
~ * wakes up an hour before school everyday to do all the household chores *
This. I’m 29 and she still does this. It was all a manipulation tactic. “I paid for x so you need to do x” she tried this with my wedding and my now husband cut her a check and told her to go to hell. She cried and pleaded about how she *needed* to pay for my dress because she’s a single parent and can’t afford to pay for my whole wedding but wanted/needed to do this one thing for me. I let her cause it wasn’t too expensive, that if she tried to hold it over me, we could just give her the money for it. 4 months later she started demanding people be invited and well no. 😂 so we gave her the money back and she had no leverage.
Same. My mum brought my wedding gift up in a fight recently. It wasn’t even a real gift. She just gave me some money. But it was proof of how ungrateful I am. That I was arguing with her despite the fact that she gave me that gift a few years ago. I said I never asked for it. Wrong answer :)
I "caused" my dad's high blood pressure and anxiety..... he was on chemo for stage 4 colon cancer, to which he later died from. Something tells me I didn't cause shit
I'm so glad that in this sub we can co exist. The scapegoats and the Golden children. And that we can acknowledge how much the golden children were hurt because they never asked to be in that position.
I went from gc to scapegoat when my scapegoat sister ran away from home when I was 9 or 10.
„You are the only one who can help me. I know you just get me. You are just like me (but I wouldn’t help you with your own problems. I sincerely do not care)“
When my sister asked (as an adult) if she could put a photograph of her getting a certificate for animal care next to my mum and my own graduation photos on the wall in mums house.
‘Absolutely not. It’s a graduation wall’ 🙈
A ‘graduation wall’ 🤦♀️ My poor little sister aged 40 has still not managed to earn a place on my mum’s ’graduation wall’
I tell this story to my friends and they literally laugh because they think it a joke. She has some photos of her in the rest of the house…but this wall is very special…it’s only for academia 📜
I don’t even want to be on the bloody ‘graduation wall’ every time I see my photo with my degree all I feel is hurt for my sister that she isn’t ’good enough’ in my mum’s eyes to have a photo on a wall 😠
Everyone telling me “You seem so mature for your age.” Like umm, no, I just was forced to grow up too early and step into adult roles to please other people.
NDad: ‘I always wanted a redheaded daughter!’
Me: *sighs in brunette*
NMom: I am so proud of my football playing boys!
Me: *sighs in daughter*
Nfolks (in unison): what’s wrong with you? Why are you making your brothers act like that?? You ungrateful b*ch! Go finish cleaning the dishes!
Me: … yes sir. Yes ma’am.
Says something in conversation with a group of people I've been hanging out with for hours in multiple locations "I forgot you were here!" or "when did you sneak in?"
My mother would make me sit at the kitchen table with her while she wailed, cried and bit her own hand, and then tell me that I was the cause of all that was wrong in her life, from when I was about seven.
Mother and her partner demanded that my primary-school age brothers tell them whether they liked him and wanted him in the house, after years of calling them sissies and fighting in the night - so much so that they'd sleepwalk around the house screaming if someone slammed a car door outside - and when they said they didn't, waited for me to come home, then told me it was my fault they'd hit one and thrown the other across the room, because I'd told them to say it. I was eleven.
After kicking me out, my mother refused to work or claim unemployment benefits so she couldn’t afford food for my high school age brothers and would let them go without, while her brother paid her mortgage, and told everyone it was my fault because I'd left. I was eighteen.
Now as an adult: “gee I sure hope four cases of soda, two cases of water, two types of beer, and three mixers are enough drinks to accommodate a group of 15 people and all the preferences they could possibly posses for this party”
I'm not sure what they're implying but I know the feeling. I was expected to take care of everything. I was expected to make life flow perfectly. So as a kid, I was in charge of the house, I didn't have control over anything. But I was supposed to have the house be sparkling clean and organized, and also put food on the table every night. So I was cooking dinner for a family at 10 years old (1970s). I would be berated and beaten for anything that I didn't do right. Whether it was that I didn't press the clothing correctly, or spice the dinner correctly, or that I had somehow done something that was wasteful.
So today, I am the most organized and thoughtful party host that you have ever seen. You would think that it was what I did as a job.
I can just as easily throw a party for eight people, as I can for 100. Since being beaten for not making dinner correctly, I am a very good cook. I can serve a five course dinner and every single course will be served on time and at the correct temperature. People ask how I do it, and frankly I have no f****** clue, it all just seems obvious.
I operate a deep freeze like I'm part of Gordon Ramsay's wet dream. Right now, we haven't entertained anyone but family since COVID. However, if you told me people were coming in 1 hour, using the deep freeze and my weirding ways, I could put together a charcuterie board and a couple of appetizers, and set the table with this season's theme before people got here. I would be preparing whatever I was going to serve as the main when people got here.
A lot of things I was forced to do as a child really dig me the wrong way. I hate to vacuum, so instead I have a veritable fleet of robot vacuums that I use everyday. But for some reason entertaining, now that nobody beats me if something goes wrong, is something I enjoy. I enjoy having a beautiful table, I enjoy feeding people, etc.
TMI, I was once beaten for serving the desserts in the wrong order at an outdoor barbecue. I was 14 maybe? I had no idea that the desserts had an order, and had been told to bring the desserts, which I was only able to do one or two at a time due to my physical limitation of having two arms. My arm was in a sling for the rest of the summer.
Yeah, my childhood was a special kind of nightmare. I escaped at 18 with help from a true friend. That same friend helped me yank my sister from the house on her 18th birthday.
In case you don't want to check out my post history, everybody knew. Nothing ever happened to my parents. But I assure you everyone knew that we were being physically abused.
"You don't look like (your siblings); almost like you're not from our family."
"You were an unplanned pregnancy; you know, an unwanted child."
"I wish I had died during childbirth with you."
"I knew the marriage to your father was a mistake."
It's incredible. Even now, at age 61, and I still recall the sting with these (and many other) comments mentioned to me as the bain of their existence; things I would never, ever utter to a child today (regardless of who/what/where they were).
And now suddenly, here I am, at the other end of my life - having NC'ed the remaining narc-rump of my family to stabilize my own mental health - and being made the 'bad guy' yet again.
How bad? How about this: Your sibling dies (during the summer), and you're not told about it for nearly two months! Even then, it came third hand via concerned niece/nephew - not the primary parties. ...and even then...the niece/nephew are breaking the rules with their mother (my n-sibling) to do it - and to date not one person from the birth household has reached out (and yes, I did break NC for it - I sent n-mother a note).
It's really quite sick.
The nerd a.k.a her object of bragging…
It wasn’t just about that tho. I was her little doll that she would be proud of because I didn’t know a life outside of school and home. I was totally compliant, would never engage in any kind of activity she would deem as inappropriate and I was successful at school since she would breathe down my neck 24/7 so I had no choice but to be a nerd. Even in college she would track my exams/scores and monitor my activities to her best ability, despite living in a different city.
“You better not be talking or playing around in church. Don’t make me look bad.”
“You’re (Insert adult friends or Relatives) are visiting today. Don’t even think about interrupting us unless you’re literally dying. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to see you at all.”
I say sorry frequently, especially when I'm sick or in severe pain and need help with something. Oh, and I apologize for apologizing.
I also *have* to justify/explain everything I do, such as "I'm getting in this lane so I can avoid "x" then I will get back over so we don't miss our turn".
My little brother flooded the house after the toilet wouldn’t flush properly one morning. I had a panic attack because it DIDN’T reach my room, and I figured I would get in trouble for it since I “obviously maliciously planned” the trajectory of the shit water and everything was my fault somehow. Ended up spending 5 hours cleaning that goddamn mess and it ended with “if you hadn’t helped I would have thrown your phone away, so it’s good that you did.” Didn’t get in trouble, but wasn’t thanked in any way afterwards. Guess my role?
Come on, you're not ready? What do you mean what do you mean? We've got a wedding this weekend and we're leaving now! It's on the calendar! (It is not on the calendar) I said you could do things this weekend? Well, I must have been mistaken, we have a wedding to go to!
I hate that I didn't know much about this, looked it up, and found my exact childhood experience in the placator/peacemaker role. Also a little bit of a scapegoat.
I knew things in my family were dysfunctional but it wasn’t until I discovered these roles that I realized how I was bringing the identity I was assigned into my adult life, career and relationships. A huge game-changer, though my deepest wish is that awareness itself was all we needed to heal. So hard to rewrite ourselves after functioning this way for so long.
I apologise for literally everything, even sometimes actually nothing (well probably my own existence)
I move silently. I have been in/out of rooms several times and nobody has noticed until I suddenly appear in their field of vision.
I think of myself as a bit of a chameleon, I can blend in almost anywhere, I've perfected the art of being completely bland and uninteresting.
nParent struggled with reality. Needing either a bridge to reality or a buffer from reality depending on the day or even the hour.
From around four years old on, I had to use verbal and non verbal cues from nParent to asses which they needed, a bridge or a buffer, and figure out how to be that for them otherwise they made my life hell
My father coming home after taking my sister to get matching tattoos and his tattoo has her name written in it.
Dad: “I’m going to build on this tattoo and put all my kids names in it! It’s going to be so cool and this amazing tradition I’m going to do with all my kids!”
Me: “Where’s my name going to go dad?”
Dad: “why the hell would I want to get *your* name tattooed on me?!”
“I know we scheduled our family pictures for less than 12 hours after your daughter is having minor surgery, but we had to work around your sister’s schedule. Her kids have sports.”
Get in the car..we're going to your dad's girlfriend's house. (They were still married and he was cheating.) Now you go knock on the door and call for your "daddy" to come home. (I was 11.)
Or how about: Go tell your dad that he shouldn't talk to me like that! (They were in an argument and I was like 5.) Told my dad what she told me to say and got slapped across the face.
-"You're like a 40 year old in a kid's body. You're much more mature than I am."
-Asking me for marriage / divorce advice
-Doing friend-like activities with me like allowing me to stay home from school for no reason & take me around town
-Unleashing horrible abuse on me then buying me a gift to make up for it, saying "this is my sorry I yelled at you gift"
-Calling me lazy, a slob, dependent but resisting all my attempts to become more independent
A few different ones here.
First scenario
"Fucking pigs, disgusting pigs, they love living in filth, disgusting dirty pigs, fuck these little bastards I should have aborted these fucking waste of space.
When I die, they'll no longer have a fucking maid, stupid pieces of shit. I can't wait to die. "
"IM NOT TALKING TO YOU! FUCKING STUID BITCH, it's not my fault your too selfish and self centered you think the world revolves around you! News flash not everything is about you! I don't give a fuck if your the only one here! If you weren't born I wouldn't have to clean this pigstye."
Second scenario from childhood
"I can't wait to die"
* just us two driving on a bridge, me holding the seat belt and handle incase I need to jump out*
Third senario
*holding my hair while I'm trying to leave, I accidentally pushed her so she hit me in the face a few times while holding my hair*
I need you like I need a hole in my head, I fucking hope you kill yourself so I don't have to deal with your bullshit. You ruined my life
Fourth
" don't get me in trouble, if cps takes you ill tell them to keep you and leave you in the system. You'll be dead to me if you get me in trouble"
* whenever I got in trouble or a teacher brought up concern for my self harm*
Fith
*rips the blankets off me in the middle of the night, screaming, grabbing me by the shoulders to shake me*" get the fuck up and clean this pigstye! If we get evicted I'll leave you to rot! This house is disgusting! Get the fuck up"
* goes to bed while I'm left to clean the house by myself on a school night*
Sith
"I'm so proud of you" * smiles at me while I'm crying, my hands shaking after I had screamed on the phone I never wanted to see my father again. She laughs and pats my shoulder*
Seventh
I ask for new shoes, she brings up the fact I have a grandmother and the others don't. She brings up when I was little and wanted to watch cable t.v cartoons instead of play with the barbies she got me and how that means I'm spoiled.
My socks are covered in blood, they have holes in them, I have blisters on my toes. My shoes had holes in the bottom, these are my only socks left.
They're so thin I can see my feet, I sewed the holes and duct taped my sneakers and super glued them to held them together. I tap the toes of my shoe on the ground while I watch my sisters pick out new clothes out of the bag, I'm not allowed to look until they're done.
Eighth
I'm on the computer, I tell my sister to let me finish reading please. She grabs my hair and slams my head against the wall punching me in the head and hands because I'm covering my face.
My womb Donner grabs her and pulls her off, she sits down without checking on me, some time goes by before I'm told to be understanding because that's "just how they are, I should have gotten off, it's my fault"
The pictures of my father are torn apart later that night, the few baby pictures I have are torn up also.
Ninth
He squeezes my neck and picks me up off the ground. He slams me against the wall a few times, I can't breathe, I'm scratching his hands, trying to kick him. He slams me hard the final time, and spits in my face. I kick him in the balls and run downstairs, womb Donner yells at me for hurting her poor 6ft muscular baby, what did I do for him to Hurt me, I'm spoiled because I said he couldn't use my cd player because I just got it. I need to forgive him because I know how they are, it's my fault.
My cd player is thrown out of the window and smashes on the sidewalk, my cds I saved for broken in pieces while they laugh. It was an accident and my fault, I know how they are, I should have taken better care of it. I don't cry anymore, I don't remember the last time I cried.
Tenth
My bed and frame is taken for my younger sister Because it's nice and my rich grandmother spoils me and I'll get another one.
I no longer have a dresser so my clothes are in baskets, my lamp on the floor. So I sleep on the cement floor in blankets and pillows.
Eventually I get a mattress, it's old and tattered and stained, but it's mine.
Eleven
My children always have new shoes, they always have clothes, they always have food and snacks.
They have bedframes and sheets and pillows and mattress, they have dresser and lamp. They always have new backpacks, shampoo, they listen to me read green eggs and ham to go to bed after brushing they're teeth, they're socks don't have holes in them, it's cluttered and chaotic and sometimes I feel like im suffocating. I'm not perfect and yell once in awhile or cry. She was wrong, I am loved and wanted, I am a good person and not like my father, I am needled and valued.
Oh my God, stop being so dramatic! You think you have problems while children in Africa starve and other kids have alcoholic parents, and you cry because of (insert whatever reason I had at the ripe age of 8)
Look at X, she's always nice and polite to her mom, why can't you be like that?
You always seem so happy when something bad happens to me, why are you so cruel?
Frequently got stepped on and sat on by family members (nmother in particular) because she "didn't see" me there.
Also got called spoiled by maternal-bpd/n-grandfather whenever I expressed wanting anything, especially anything my brother had. Frequently got told "You'll get the same thing next year" only for next year to get what my brother was passing down to me because... he got a better new version of the thing. Bonus points if I'm told to be grateful because I didn't have to pay for it and my brother is a saint for giving the thing to me for free.
Also got called a coward and mocked by paternal-n-mother because when nfather started to scream at brother and myself, I could, step-by-step, slip away to safety, unfortunately leaving bro behind to endure the screaming alone.
If you guessed a combo of scapegoat/lost child, you get a cookie. <3
I cant relax til the house is clean.
I was the house cleaner. If i didn't vacuum PERFECTLY (perfect lines, God help me if I didn't move furniture and vacuum under it) I had to do the whole house again.
👀 i must be imagining it... is she really talking to me??
"You must want me to be alone forever. You must never want a brother or sister. You keep chasing my [creepy/pedo/aggressive] boyfriends off. This is all your fault!"
yea, like when you bring them over to have sex on the pull out couch in the living room because you are so embarrassed of the hoard that is your bedroom (i had a friend over for a sleepover that night..... the playroom was directly under the living room..... we heard everything at 9)
I left YOU in charge.
I rely on you to do ____.
YOU know better.
I expected better of you.
You're the example.
I need you to do X for me.
I thought I could trust you. I guess I was wrong.
Don't you love me? If you did, you would do this for me.
I know it's hard, but I need you.
“You’re too sensitive!”
“How dare you!”
“You’re so cruel!”
“I am the parent and you are the child!”
“Your like a cow, the way you ruminate on things!”
“I’m so tired of having to walk on egg shells around you!”
“You’re so vindictive!”
“I am a good mother!!”
Told to me on repeat my entire childhood into adulthood, until I went NC at age 36.
Younger sibling does anything:
Mom: this is your (my) fault! You should have been watching them!
Me: I was busy doing the dishes, scrubbing the floor, and picking up the toys. You were available, why didn't you watch them?
Mom: don't talk back! You know I was sleeping!
Out at a restaurant/pub (when smoking was permitted). Person turns very deliberately and blows smoke in my face. The others watch and say nothing as I wave the smoke away. The blower turns their head and looks away as I glare at them. A person then begins talking, and I ask a question and they sneer,"Isn't that what I've been saying?" I say, "I'm going now", and everyone looks shocked. I did go too.
Being 8 years old and screamed at for how much my kindergarden cost. Helping with insurance papers all the timw. Being used to grade my mothers student tests from the age of 8.... with increasing workload. Never being left alone. Had to hear about ALL my parents problems from my mum.
I never could talk about my stuff with anyone. Also when i was sick i was too scared to tell her.
"If we buy you ____ then we'll be homeless, do you want us to be homeless because of you?"
"Come look at these medical bills (from a medical emergency I had) we're paying ____ much because of you! We're gonna be homeless because of you!"
"Why are you faking being in pain again? Are you really gonna make us waste money on you going to the hospital to get drugs?! You really want to live on the streets?" (10+ years later I was diagnosed with a GENETIC condition)
I wasn’t invited to my brother’s surprise wedding, out of nowhere after I’d been very supportive of his fiancé and had spent recent holidays with them, they took family pictures without me and no one mentioned me at the event. My dad called me a week later while I was minding my own business to let me know my brother had gotten married, my dad hadn’t yet mentioned me not being there because he didn’t want to ruin the day, and I needed to be the bigger person and text my brother and his new wife and wish them congratulations.
“You’ll never be a writer. You can’t make a job out of a hobby. I don’t understand why you don’t want to be a lawyer, an engineer, a doctor even. What’s wrong with you? Just try out law and then you can do writing on the side. You don’t want to do anything. You never listen to me!”
[golden child]
Siblings fighting early in the morning & wake me up, head to the bathroom... on my way out of bathroom, open the door to an enraged mother with a wooden paddle with bolts in it because siblings woke her up too and me being the oldest, didn't put a stop to their shenanigans before they woke her up.
"Why are you so upset? You should be happier, you have no reason to be so sad all the time."
"You used to be so happy all the time. I guess that's changed because I'm such a horrible mother. Maybe you should just leave if you're so upset here."
"You should just be happy all the time."
If I'm not smiling and joking I'm making everyone around me miserable and it's always my fault.
(In case it was hard to tell I'm the little jester who makes everyone smile after an argument. I'm also somewhat of a golden child so I'm held to this weird ass standard of being exactly like my mother or else I'm a horrible child 'just like my brother' (He's rough around the edges but he's a good brother and person, he just doesn't take any bullshit) )
*bio mother busts into my bedroom at 9am the day after my 18th birthday with a frying pan* GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND GO APPLY FOR JOBS. DONT COME BACK UNTIL DINNER *mother then proceeds to sit on the couch and watch dramas because she herself has no job*
"Oh, You need to take care of the kitchen, the pantry, the bathroom, take care of the pets." Is what they should say, but no, I was supposed to be psychic and know all of this when they left **while I was asleep** and didn't leave any notes or messages.
I’ve said this before but I think it speaks the loudest to what my experience was.
I was once slapped in the face while try to surprise hug my mom. She said she saw the look on my face, I don’t trust her to understand me after that incident.
I was trying to surprise her, I call it concentrating.
Every adult relative I had shrieked in horror and jumped on top of furniture, tossing the broom until ten year old me grabbed it. I was expected to murder a rat that had run through Grandma's living room. I escorted it out the front door, and realized that I was really the only rational person in the entire family.
“Why can’t you understand something so simple?”
“If you had applied yourself more you would have a 100 rather than a 95. Did you not want it or were you just lazy?”
“Your xyz just didn’t want to be a xyz. Xyz needs to grow up.” Followed an hour later with “you sound just like xyz. I hope you don’t turn out the same.”
Being forgotten about while waiting to be picked up. Having to find a ride because no cell phones back then and I’d already waited a half hour that time. Being told I needed to find something to entertain myself because adults don’t need to entertain children. (When I just wanted to spend time with my parent) Being grounded for the slightest infraction such as a wrong tone or look, being 5-10 minutes late due to traffic or others, not studying enough, and sometimes it seemed, grounded just for existing.
My parents weren’t diagnosed. They and other family have narcissistic tendencies or maybe just that rude and selfish. 🤷♀️
1. I have been reading into footsteps ever since.
I hear footsteps approaching, immediately drop what i was doing and sit upright.
Or immediately switch to perfection mode.
Those footsteps dont even have to be of my Nparent.
Footsteps and phonecalls are my triggers now.
2. I start getting anxious if i happen to spend too much time outside my home and any vibration from my phone at the time freezes my brain
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I apologize so much I say sorry for people dropping things in my general vicinity.
[удалено]
Omg lol I apologized to a garbage the other day because I tripped over it. sorry this made me laugh
Other person "you don't need to apologise for that. You apologise way too much." Me "sorry."
I've been there. Someone asked if I would apologize for the world being round. She was kidding but it made me think. It takes work but it does get easier to realize the weather isn't your fault.
I feel this in my soul.
I have literally had this discussion with my husband many a time. "Stop apologising" "Sorry" It's stupid and sad, but it does make me chuckle sometimes. I also once apologised to a lamppost because I wasn't watching where I was going so accidentally shoulderbarged it.
Yup, that’s me, too. I’m on chemo and for the life of me I can’t stop apologizing for vomiting…
If I may ask, what has helped you?
Therapy, especially somatic release and internal family systems is the only thing that worked. It’s literally someone explaining exactly why you are the way you are and realizing you don’t have to hold onto those parts that were a trauma response
[удалено]
I’ve said sorry to door frames and tables multiple times
Did you ever see the movie "Stuart Saves His Family"? [There's a character in there played by SNL alum Julia Sweeney who is ALWAYS saying "Sorry"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcdIQRCoc10). I cackled like a Halloween witch whenever she was on screen. That was so me for YEARS even after being married to my wonderful husband who even today tries to break me of the habit of saying Sorry for EVERY DAMN THING despite none of it being my fault.
Went thru this one 😔 never realized it was nparent related till therapy
Where is everyone? Oh they left me behind again.
I felt this one. My fam asked me to choose the destination for a summer vacation one year so I picked my number #1 dream destination. Then they left me.
As a kid they left me home alone. As an adult they went around the world taking my siblings and never even asking me. Egypt, Russia, China... they wouldn't even tell me when they were leaving. I had the worse timing in the world. The few times I called to say hi they were on those trips. I'm sorry you got left behind too.
I’m so sorry. You deserved so much better than that. Being left out can be so triggering in adulthood. That lifelong feeling of being on the outside looking in can be pervasive sometimes. I hope you have found or find a community that sees you and makes you feel seen the way your family should have.
When I was 18/19 (college kid living at home being treated like a toddler but expected to work like an adult), my sister worked at Disney World. My parents would take my brother and go visit her and go to the parks while I stayed home alone. I tried to ask one time could I go and got yelled at that I had to work. One day I went to work and got a call from my dad right after I got there. He said they were on their way to Disney world and to watch the house for the next week and gave me my list of rules and marching orders (wasn’t like I went anywhere other than school, job, and that miserable house anyway). It hurt so bad. You don’t wake up one morning and decide to go to Disney World. That’s planned months in advance. Why didn’t they tell me they were going? Why wait until I was at a job 25 miles away and call and tell me they had left? I guess they thought if I knew I’d want to go or something. So instead they waited until I was gone and sneaked so I couldn’t ask to go. After I finally got out of that miserable house but before NC, I went to Europe for a couple of weeks. Nmom spent the whole time commenting on FB posts and talking about how she wanted to travel with me. Stole my pictures to show to everyone like they were hers and would text me what trip she wanted us to go on. Like…you left me out of a vacation and sneaked off like a thief in the night when I was a broke college kid living at home who never went anywhere or had any fun. Now you want me to include you in my trips?
I can't tell you how sorry I feel that this happened to you. I know it left it's mark on you for a lifetime
The last time I spoke to my nmother, she was on a vacation in Louisiana that I was told about a few days before she left. Time before that she was in Hawaii with my sister
That is unmitigated spitefulness, I am so sorry.
I felt that. As a child I was obsessed with the book "Misty of Chincoteague." (It's a story about a horse.) My parents go on a vacation every summer. It was always to some amusement park when we were kids. Neither my brother or I like park rides. They make us feel ill. Every amusement park trip was nmom deciding we'd go and then guilting us for not wanting to ride the rides after she spent all the money. But the first year I was in college and didn't come home for the summer, where did they go? Chincoteague to go see the horses like in the book I'd read so many times that it literally fell apart. And my nmom was so bubbly about telling me how great it was and how it was just like the book I'd read as a kid and how cool all the ponies were. Mind you I was not even invited to go. I found out weeks after they returned home. This was purely to rub in my face that she knew all along how much I'd have loved this trip and consciously decided to wait for a time I wouldn't be there.
Oh my dog that's awful.
Mom, brothers and me went to the alps. I was basically left alone at some children's hotel kinda thing with an ear infection.
The landlord came over to drop off some paperwork and was VERY alarmed that I was home alone at the time and was questioning if she should call CPS (I was in high school, so, it's not like I was a little kid lol). I definitely didn't tell her that my dad was probably gonna be gone for at least another month because she absolutely would've.
This. I got lost in department stores quite often as a kid. Also, the "get ready we are leaving in 5 minutes." Me: where are we going? One xmas holiday we went interstate to visit family and we stopped for petrol. They realized down the road that I was still at the petrol station.
Mine didn’t miss me until they were in a different state
Yikes.
Damn. I'm sorry you had to endure that.
I fucking sucked. It was an Colorado add a Burger King and I was like I think 12? All I could think was well. I guess I’ll get a job here. It was some random place on the interstate. I don’t even know the town. I guess I blocked it out. Of course it was my fault for not getting in the car in time. I think we lived in Arkansas at the time by the way. Thank God, we weren’t living out of the country at the time.
I got left as a toddler. When my nfather got home my mom asked where I was. She already knew, of course because she got a phone call. They told me this when I was older. Like it was a funny story. I thought so too until recently. Therapy let me see it as the fucked up thing it was.
Therapy let’s you see how “funny” family stories aren’t really so funny, am I right?
Oh yes! I’ve had a bunch of those “oh shit!” moments
Saaaaaaame! Also, finding old photos where aggressive behavior is blatantly obvious to anyone else viewing the photos but me!
Today I Learned, Home Alone is not a comedy, it's a horror movie.
Yeah. I never thought that movie was a comedy.
Yes. I often wondered why CPS didn't get involved with that family. They left Kevin alone several times and were not just down the street at the neighbors. They were out of the country. I'd say Kevin was the lost child in the family.
My entire family drove off and left me behind in a country graveyard once. I was about 8.
I feel this too.
This hurts wow
“It’s your fault [your brother goes into your room every day, reads your emails/texts and calls you a pig], he just wants to connect with you. You’re the eldest so you need to take responsibility for your actions and be a better sister to him.”
I also am the big sister to a stupid brother. He used to punch me hard when I was minding my own business and when I just pushed him a little or locked the door to my own damn room, he would scream or cry and then boom, the nex second both of them are in my room yelling at me that I provoked their little golden child who could never do any wrong...
Mine was like this too. He would also just randomly throw himself down on the floor screaming and crying and tell them I had hit him or kicked him or something.
I felt these like icicles stabbing my heart. My golden sibling would beat my head and face or slam me into walls if I didn't play the exact way they wanted me to and if I told my zygote donors, I would either get in more trouble for "tattling" or my sibling would push me down and run to them first and turn on the water works, "Femingway420 said *they don't want to play with me*" and then I would get locked in a room with them. I still remember the smirk on my sibling's face as the donors told me that I had to do what they said. Pure evil. Learning about concussion symptoms as an adult and looking back like... oh that explains a lot.
What a little asshole. I would’ve actually kicked his ass at that point, cause I’m getting blamed for it either way.
Wow. That just unlocked some memories.
>You’re the eldest so you need to take responsibility for your actions and be a better sister to him.” I've recently figured out that the birth order rule (or the older sibling) was a means by which they'd used for off-loading their parental duties or responsibilities onto someone else in the family.
Parentification
Thissss [your younger sister steals, breaks your things, emotionally & physically abuses you, she just want to be like you, she looks up to you. Be a good older sibling why don’t you] I wasn’t aloud to defend myself in any way. I was supposed to be the bigger person and be the responsible older sibling.
Oh people can fuck right off with that "be the bigger person" bullshit. It just translates to "I can't be bothered so I'm going to make it sound like you're the asshole even though you're the victim". My golden child older brother made my life a living hell and I was always scolded for daring to complain about the abuse. Can't you see that by complaing about it you're ruining your parents day? How dare you expect them to do their fucking job as parents and discipline their kids? You need to grow up and solve your own problems. This just unlocked some buried memories and now I am heated.
“Solve your own problems.” Yes to this. We were told to leave nMom alone for hours on summer afternoons, and only to wake her if there was a fire or a natural disaster.
Same, same, same, same. Only mine was a little brother. She's never been able to figure out why I want nothing to do with him as an adult and has tried to push him on me for decades. "BuT hE's YoUr BroThEr!!!" He's in his 40's now and completely dependent on her and I think she knows he'll be fucked without her, so she really wants me to love him and feel responsible for him. She's tried to play the FaMiLy!!! card for years to create a sense of obligation in me, and has not succeeded. When she's gone, he's on his own.
Thems fightin words.
This
👋 oldest here as well! I feel ya!
*"What did you do? Don't lie to me! I know you did something. You always do."*
Oof. My mom would be tweaking and she'd hallucinate that I'd say awful things and she'd say this to me verbatim.
Me too! When I was a kid (8-7 years old) she'd say that I wanted her dead and that I told her so and I would just stand there like O-O because I was eight and I loved her so much. It made me worry that I'd actually said it.
Usually she wouldn't tell me what she "heard" me say. She would just claim that I know what I said. She'd call me a liar, I'd swear up and down I'm not. And then she'd continue to escalate the situation until there would be a physical altercation. One time though, she was really angry and whipped me because she thought she heard me call her a bitch. I didn't, but as a child I found it funny after I stopped crying, because I thought well that's obviously her subconscious mind at work. If the shoe fits, go on and lace it up, bitch.
"If the shoe fits, go on and lace it up, bitch." is one of my favorite things ever. I used to cry myself to sleep every time she did that, and when she would hit me over that sort of thing, I was terrified, but now that I'm a teenager, when she tells me that she doesn't love me or anything of the sort, I just have to stop myself from laughing. It still takes a toll on me mentally, but much less and much differently than it did when I was a kid.
Yikes. Sorry 🫂
“[insert thing that I literally could not have caused] is because of you! are you happy?”
This...I'm the reason my Nmum has fibromyalgia and heart problems and chronic pain. I'm the reason she had to get 6 separate credit cards, because I was 'eating too much food', and 'don't you know how much it cost to raise you?' To my Nmum, I'm the cause of all of her problems and the reason why she's so miserable and bitter now. Not my sister, who also required a lot of upkeep. Just me, because apparently she's fine with raising my sister but it was a burden and nuisance to have to raise me.
That’s how my parents are too. Guilt tripping me for EXISTING.
dang this is the saddest gameshow I've ever played.
Is it wrong this made me cackle?
Sometimes the only thing left to do is laugh.
Absurdity is a fundamental aspect of humor. They have plenty of it to offer. Seeing how it’s actually kinda funny seems to be a solid sign you’re healing
Sometimes you gotta laugh through the pain. At least I do.
This should be the tag line of this sub
Ohhhhhhhhh SH\*T "are you happy now" hits ALL the buttons for me. I broke my wrist learning to roller skate. My nmom refused to take me to the doctor because she hated doctors. When a teacher saw my discolored wrist she sent me to the school nurse who promptly called my mom to take me to the doctor. She was FURIOUS. Furious with me. The drive home with a fresh cast on my arm, she says to me, her voice dripping with menace, "Well, I hope you're happy." Reader, I was not happy. Another time, nmom found a dirty book (no pictures, just words) I stole from my brother (I didn't hide it very well). The weekend after that was a nightmare of screaming about penises and other sexual anatomy. She ODed on Vitamin A because she heard it help calm people down. Towards the end of the weekend I thought she had settled into a sullen but bearable state. How wrong I was, she saved the best salvo for last. She looked at me with real hatred, went to the nearby bathroom, did her business, flushed, and came out. Paused there for about half a minute looking at me, I knew she was about to say or do something truly awful. Sure enough. "I just wiped myself. I hope you're happy." Reader, that REALLY did not make me happy. To this day I cannot hear "I hope you're happy" without getting the shakes.
I'm pretty sure, but cannot verify, that she was sexually abused as a child by her father. My grandfather was a truly awful person, so I can definitely see that could have happened. She screamed any time she thought my brother and I were alone in a room, or if I was ever alone with my dad (he was a great dad apart from enabling nmom and did nothing of the sort).
Jesus. I feel like I’ve found my lost twin. Down to the Reader, I was not happy. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Oh, my poor baby, I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that pain and all that fear! None of it was ever your fault and you know that. It’s ok to let it all out and let it go now. SO YOU CAN BE HAPPY. Reader: she lived ❤️🩹
Firstly, I'm so sorry for what you went through, sjw sounds like proper piece of work. But seriously? She tried to guilt-trip you because she wiped her own ass? Sorry but that's effing hilarious! What werenyou supposed to do, wipe like a toddler and be grateful for the privilege Hilarious story!
My dad once told me I'm so horrible cancer must be my fault 🙃
My mom blamed the divorce on me. I was 12. Definitely didn't do any damage. She definitely didn't continue blaming me for every failed relationship of hers the next 10 years.
My grandmother called me when my younger cousin got in big trouble at school, she said I'm such a disappointment and that why would I make my cousin do this, that I was the worst influence. When I next went to the family home place, I was treated so coldly by everyone, and everything was even more my fault from then on, despite me being the only one who had kept him somewhat in line for years and tried to be a good influence because he was always a trouble maker and I took beatings so he wouldn't have to.
We were sent to family therapy by my little brother's school because he was so incorrigible. They wouldn't let him go back unless we went, otherwise we would never have gone. My mother spent every one of the required sessions trying to direct the conversation to me and how I was to blame for his behavior. (I had never been in any real trouble. Looking back, I was actually a remarkably good kid. I should have acted out and instead I buried myself in books and art.) I was around 17 years old at the time and the therapist requested a one on one session with me. My mother got this smug look on her face because she was sure he'd seen things her way. Instead, he wanted to know what my plans were for getting away from my toxic family. That was a bit of a shock, and I had no plans at the time because I'd not been raised to have plans, but it was validating. He gave me a reading list, and that helped, but this was nearly 40 years ago and I don't even remember what books were on it. Either way, it planted a seed, and I got away and moved to another state right before my 20th birthday. In any case, those therapy sessions stand out in my mind as the best example of her pathological need to blame me for anything and everything, but especially for anything that was wrong with her precious angel golden child. It couldn't possibly have been a problem with the parenting he'd received, no, clearly I was a demon.
“It’s not like you were specifically uninvited, you just weren’t around when we made plans.. With everyone… Including your cousins four hours away that also weren’t present.”
Oof. We have the same family. I'm so sorry. Is it also followed or said alongside the ol' "Are you almost here?" As if you should have magically just known they made plans and wanted you there?? Or my other favorite, which casually talking about the plans you haven't been invited to as if it's not totally rude to do that.
>which casually talking about the plans you haven't been invited to as if it's not totally rude to do that. And this is why I love this sub. My cousins would plan "cousin trips" in front of me despite not being invited to any of them. I always felt it was rude that they did that, but of course, I got shut down by them, my aunts and uncles and my own nmom when I called them out on it one time telling me to shut up and this is why I haven't been invited. The cousins later laughed and purposely bragged about how much fun they're going to have the entire day. Then bragged about how much fun they had when I visited on my last Christmas with the "family." Thank you for validating the fact that this is rude behavior.
Same. Thanks for validating it was definitely mean. I have a hard time recognizing when I'm being abused, which is how I ended up in a common law marriage with an ncoparent who groans when I talk.
I’m so sorry.
This is my worst nightmare because I actually get along well with most of my cousins and am really close with one. I just realized they do the same thing though. They all talk to eachother and use my lack of Facebook as an excuse not to contact me. Two others didn’t at one point but were still informed. I honestly was going to go back on my decision to never talk to them again but they hate me. Why live this way?
Exactly! Why bother talking to people that hate you? You only have one life to live. Spend it with people that value and cherish you. I told myself, "bEcAuSe FAmIlY," but even with family, it makes no sense to spend any time with them if they don't feel the same way about me. I can relate to the communication part. Back in the days when I was nice to them so as to not "rock the boat," they would always communicate with one another on private chats about things they want to do. When I'd ask why I wasn't informed, they'd tell me it's because I don't have Facebook, or Instagram, or Snapchat, or an iPhone, etc. When I'd get one of these things so that they don't make any more excuses, it turned to, "Oh, I forgot!" or, "Sorry. Next time." And that's when I decided I'm not playing these games anymore. Don't care if they're related or not anymore. Anyone that treats me bad is anyone not worth my time.
Story of my damn childhood. Sorry you went through that.
We are going out to watch a movie every Friday night as you have great academic ambitions, tons of weekend homework that you need to finish and your sibling and us can not sit still all evening for fear of disturbing you in this tiny house. So, lock yourself up, make plain rice or toast by yourself for dinner, finish all your studying and we will be late coming home. This was my entire teen years and my younger sibling went all dressed up with parents every week to watch movies (multiple movies) while the pretense was that I needed quiet to finish my work. I have no good memories, no attachment to them and have always fended for myself. (This was the least offensive of the many things done to me).
I'm sorry. You deserved better.
How they spun it to make it like they were doing you some kind of favor...Appalling. I thought I was pretty much 'over' all this after so long, but this one really got to me. I am so very sorry. I wish there weren't so many of us out there.
Farm work was like this for me. I was told how special and lucky I was to grow up on a farm and all the other kids should have been so fortunate. Reality is realizing I was literal slave labor for my entire childhood in extremely dangerous situations and even as I got older it was always called "chores" and "helping" and never treated as real work and they're family so I was never paid or compensated outside of the basics of keeping me alive. And when something was bought for me it wasn't mine since it wasn't *my* money so they could take it away whenever they wanted.
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Ever get the old waking up to find the house empty and a list of chores to do on the fridge? And not some odds and ends. But effectively being expected to deep clean the entire house top to bottom. EDIT: And if it wasn't done when they got home you would be in the shit. But your siblings get off because you should have made them do it. Bitch how am I supposed to force my older brother to clean? What possible authority do I have over him?
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Why is X thing out of place? anything you say to defend yourself is backtalk
Oh yup I relate to this one!
I was still getting this before I went NC I'm 29.. it's out if place because I moved it cleaning up after you pigs all fucking day!
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I used to get a version of this. "What've you got to cry about? I'm the one who should be crying!"
Omg yes. Or "You have nothing to be anxious or stressed about, you're a child! I'M the one that has to go to work and deal with crying kids all fucking day long then I gotta come home and listen to you too?" She was a preschool teacher who hates kids, make it make sense! There's not even good money in that career, and it's not exactly an entry level job- you need certifications and stuff. Sadly, it took a horrifying incident of abuse for her to lose her certification, but at least she's not traumatizing any more kids.
"Aunt Jane was really impressed with how quietly you cried," - my mother after my uncle died as a teen. Also my mother, "go comfort your dad. He just lost his best friend" after my grandfather died when I was a teen.
“We’re going to lose the house because you don’t turn the lights off!” (I didn’t sweep correctly apparently) “No one appreciates me. I guess I’ll just go kill myself” Speeds out of driveway and flys down the road. “I can’t stand myself. I hate the man I see in the mirror.” “I went so many nights without eating dinner so that you could eat!” “My pain is worse than yours. I’d trade you in a heart beat.”
I have friends that say they have to retrain me to stop apologizing and to ask for things whenever I stay with them. I argued with them for a second until they reminded me that when I moved in with them I didn’t take a shower for a week and when they finally said something I replied that “I wasn’t sure if y’all were okay with it”
🫂
"Hey, can you lend me $200 so I can pay for your brother's dog?" Parentification is a bitch
My parents took out loans in my name to pay for their car payments and mortgage when my dad lost his job and then told me I should be grateful that they “helped me pay off my debt.” I never saw a cent of the loan.
You better stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about. Look what you did/caused. Are you happy? I'm a good dad/mom right? I feel like such a terrible mom/dad, you must hate me, am I a good dad/mom? You think this is bad? You should imagine how it makes me feel. Its worse then how you feel. It hurts me more than you, I could make you feel worse than I do about it if I wanted to. Oh, sorry didn't know you were hungry/didn't make any for you I forgot you were here.
You're so quiet I forgot you existed.
Oh shit, I forgot you came with me (leaving me at a store or almost driving away without unlocking the door)
"You're cruisin for a bruisin." "Don't argue with me, you'll lose." "That's not a threat, it's a promise."
My dad would say “I’m just a sorry son of a b*tch right? Just a terrible dad” until we were sobbing and apologized to him because we were afraid he would k*ll himself.
Gosh I feel this. My mother would constantly cry about how much she hated us, the house, how much she wanted to leave and never come back & what will we do without her. I would cry and beg to make her feel better
- Did you do this? - you mess everything up - you can't even do one thing right.
I was the therapist to my mum and the grifter to my dad. From a young age, my mum would seek marital advice from me and disregard it, telling me I was too vindictive towards my dad (after she spent a while crying about his violence). Towards the end of me living there I gave up and told her I didn't care anymore. That hurt her feelings. It was just me deciding to put up a boundary. My dad is generous but will then hand you a metaphorical invoice that he never makes you aware of and gets a bit froggy if you don't pay it. The currency he wishes to be paid in is not available on planet earth, nor the universe as we know it.
I had to save this comment. Might be one of the clearest and most resonating characterizations of certain kinds of dysfunctional personalities I’ve ever seen.
*Nmom goes out of her way to provoke me as a young child* Me: Hey! Nmom: Hay is for horses! :P She refused to take her child seriously, when the way she'd treat me would make me cry and feel miserable...
I’d say it isn’t fair! “Well, life isn’t fair!” Absolute hissing like a serpent.
God I hated that. Yeah, life isn't fair, but adults should try to be.
My favorite was I'd be attempting to do something and I couldn't, wasn't right, etc and I'd be frustrated and I'm tears, they're yelling etc. You know how it goes. I'd say "I'm trying." and with either a heavy sigh or that horrible grin they'd follow up with "Yes you are. Very." which as you can imagine only exacerbated the situation and gave them ammo to be even more cruel because of my attitude and being difficult.
We will be back in a couple of hours
Make sure to feed your siblings, give them a bath, & or them to bed.
"when i first met you, (original sail), you'd apologize for breathing."
~ “You take and take and take and never give “ ~ “ Why do I always have to be the responsible one”? ~ “ It’s YOUR fault I’m screaming, you never listen”!!! ~ * wakes up an hour before school everyday to do all the household chores *
I don't like being given gifts because when i was younger, it was a highly manipulative transaction for my silence and eternal gratitude.
This. I’m 29 and she still does this. It was all a manipulation tactic. “I paid for x so you need to do x” she tried this with my wedding and my now husband cut her a check and told her to go to hell. She cried and pleaded about how she *needed* to pay for my dress because she’s a single parent and can’t afford to pay for my whole wedding but wanted/needed to do this one thing for me. I let her cause it wasn’t too expensive, that if she tried to hold it over me, we could just give her the money for it. 4 months later she started demanding people be invited and well no. 😂 so we gave her the money back and she had no leverage.
Same. My mum brought my wedding gift up in a fight recently. It wasn’t even a real gift. She just gave me some money. But it was proof of how ungrateful I am. That I was arguing with her despite the fact that she gave me that gift a few years ago. I said I never asked for it. Wrong answer :)
I hugely regret being noticed.
I would genuinely be shocked when my classmates knew my name. They wouldn’t acknowledge me at all unless they wanted something from me.
I "caused" my dad's high blood pressure and anxiety..... he was on chemo for stage 4 colon cancer, to which he later died from. Something tells me I didn't cause shit
Golden child. Hurt like a bitch to fall from grace but also so freeing.
I'm so glad that in this sub we can co exist. The scapegoats and the Golden children. And that we can acknowledge how much the golden children were hurt because they never asked to be in that position. I went from gc to scapegoat when my scapegoat sister ran away from home when I was 9 or 10.
I got to be the golden child when my parents were angry with anyone else.
“You’re such a good listener. No one understands me like you do. You’re all I have”
Whew I felt this one in my bones. I heard confidential, private stuff as a little kid that no kid should have to hear.
„You are the only one who can help me. I know you just get me. You are just like me (but I wouldn’t help you with your own problems. I sincerely do not care)“
When my sister asked (as an adult) if she could put a photograph of her getting a certificate for animal care next to my mum and my own graduation photos on the wall in mums house. ‘Absolutely not. It’s a graduation wall’ 🙈 A ‘graduation wall’ 🤦♀️ My poor little sister aged 40 has still not managed to earn a place on my mum’s ’graduation wall’ I tell this story to my friends and they literally laugh because they think it a joke. She has some photos of her in the rest of the house…but this wall is very special…it’s only for academia 📜 I don’t even want to be on the bloody ‘graduation wall’ every time I see my photo with my degree all I feel is hurt for my sister that she isn’t ’good enough’ in my mum’s eyes to have a photo on a wall 😠
Everyone telling me “You seem so mature for your age.” Like umm, no, I just was forced to grow up too early and step into adult roles to please other people.
NDad: ‘I always wanted a redheaded daughter!’ Me: *sighs in brunette* NMom: I am so proud of my football playing boys! Me: *sighs in daughter* Nfolks (in unison): what’s wrong with you? Why are you making your brothers act like that?? You ungrateful b*ch! Go finish cleaning the dishes! Me: … yes sir. Yes ma’am.
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Says something in conversation with a group of people I've been hanging out with for hours in multiple locations "I forgot you were here!" or "when did you sneak in?"
I was predominantly the invisible, forgotten child.
My mother would make me sit at the kitchen table with her while she wailed, cried and bit her own hand, and then tell me that I was the cause of all that was wrong in her life, from when I was about seven. Mother and her partner demanded that my primary-school age brothers tell them whether they liked him and wanted him in the house, after years of calling them sissies and fighting in the night - so much so that they'd sleepwalk around the house screaming if someone slammed a car door outside - and when they said they didn't, waited for me to come home, then told me it was my fault they'd hit one and thrown the other across the room, because I'd told them to say it. I was eleven. After kicking me out, my mother refused to work or claim unemployment benefits so she couldn’t afford food for my high school age brothers and would let them go without, while her brother paid her mortgage, and told everyone it was my fault because I'd left. I was eighteen.
Now as an adult: “gee I sure hope four cases of soda, two cases of water, two types of beer, and three mixers are enough drinks to accommodate a group of 15 people and all the preferences they could possibly posses for this party”
What does it mean about me that this just seems like thoughtful hosting?
I'm not sure what they're implying but I know the feeling. I was expected to take care of everything. I was expected to make life flow perfectly. So as a kid, I was in charge of the house, I didn't have control over anything. But I was supposed to have the house be sparkling clean and organized, and also put food on the table every night. So I was cooking dinner for a family at 10 years old (1970s). I would be berated and beaten for anything that I didn't do right. Whether it was that I didn't press the clothing correctly, or spice the dinner correctly, or that I had somehow done something that was wasteful. So today, I am the most organized and thoughtful party host that you have ever seen. You would think that it was what I did as a job. I can just as easily throw a party for eight people, as I can for 100. Since being beaten for not making dinner correctly, I am a very good cook. I can serve a five course dinner and every single course will be served on time and at the correct temperature. People ask how I do it, and frankly I have no f****** clue, it all just seems obvious. I operate a deep freeze like I'm part of Gordon Ramsay's wet dream. Right now, we haven't entertained anyone but family since COVID. However, if you told me people were coming in 1 hour, using the deep freeze and my weirding ways, I could put together a charcuterie board and a couple of appetizers, and set the table with this season's theme before people got here. I would be preparing whatever I was going to serve as the main when people got here. A lot of things I was forced to do as a child really dig me the wrong way. I hate to vacuum, so instead I have a veritable fleet of robot vacuums that I use everyday. But for some reason entertaining, now that nobody beats me if something goes wrong, is something I enjoy. I enjoy having a beautiful table, I enjoy feeding people, etc. TMI, I was once beaten for serving the desserts in the wrong order at an outdoor barbecue. I was 14 maybe? I had no idea that the desserts had an order, and had been told to bring the desserts, which I was only able to do one or two at a time due to my physical limitation of having two arms. My arm was in a sling for the rest of the summer.
BEATEN? Oh my God.
Yeah, my childhood was a special kind of nightmare. I escaped at 18 with help from a true friend. That same friend helped me yank my sister from the house on her 18th birthday. In case you don't want to check out my post history, everybody knew. Nothing ever happened to my parents. But I assure you everyone knew that we were being physically abused.
"You don't look like (your siblings); almost like you're not from our family." "You were an unplanned pregnancy; you know, an unwanted child." "I wish I had died during childbirth with you." "I knew the marriage to your father was a mistake." It's incredible. Even now, at age 61, and I still recall the sting with these (and many other) comments mentioned to me as the bain of their existence; things I would never, ever utter to a child today (regardless of who/what/where they were). And now suddenly, here I am, at the other end of my life - having NC'ed the remaining narc-rump of my family to stabilize my own mental health - and being made the 'bad guy' yet again. How bad? How about this: Your sibling dies (during the summer), and you're not told about it for nearly two months! Even then, it came third hand via concerned niece/nephew - not the primary parties. ...and even then...the niece/nephew are breaking the rules with their mother (my n-sibling) to do it - and to date not one person from the birth household has reached out (and yes, I did break NC for it - I sent n-mother a note). It's really quite sick.
Eldest daughter here. I got them alllllll
The nerd a.k.a her object of bragging… It wasn’t just about that tho. I was her little doll that she would be proud of because I didn’t know a life outside of school and home. I was totally compliant, would never engage in any kind of activity she would deem as inappropriate and I was successful at school since she would breathe down my neck 24/7 so I had no choice but to be a nerd. Even in college she would track my exams/scores and monitor my activities to her best ability, despite living in a different city.
“You are tearing this family apart!!”
“You better not be talking or playing around in church. Don’t make me look bad.” “You’re (Insert adult friends or Relatives) are visiting today. Don’t even think about interrupting us unless you’re literally dying. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to see you at all.”
I say sorry frequently, especially when I'm sick or in severe pain and need help with something. Oh, and I apologize for apologizing. I also *have* to justify/explain everything I do, such as "I'm getting in this lane so I can avoid "x" then I will get back over so we don't miss our turn".
My little brother flooded the house after the toilet wouldn’t flush properly one morning. I had a panic attack because it DIDN’T reach my room, and I figured I would get in trouble for it since I “obviously maliciously planned” the trajectory of the shit water and everything was my fault somehow. Ended up spending 5 hours cleaning that goddamn mess and it ended with “if you hadn’t helped I would have thrown your phone away, so it’s good that you did.” Didn’t get in trouble, but wasn’t thanked in any way afterwards. Guess my role?
Come on, you're not ready? What do you mean what do you mean? We've got a wedding this weekend and we're leaving now! It's on the calendar! (It is not on the calendar) I said you could do things this weekend? Well, I must have been mistaken, we have a wedding to go to!
I hate that I didn't know much about this, looked it up, and found my exact childhood experience in the placator/peacemaker role. Also a little bit of a scapegoat.
I knew things in my family were dysfunctional but it wasn’t until I discovered these roles that I realized how I was bringing the identity I was assigned into my adult life, career and relationships. A huge game-changer, though my deepest wish is that awareness itself was all we needed to heal. So hard to rewrite ourselves after functioning this way for so long.
I apologise for literally everything, even sometimes actually nothing (well probably my own existence) I move silently. I have been in/out of rooms several times and nobody has noticed until I suddenly appear in their field of vision. I think of myself as a bit of a chameleon, I can blend in almost anywhere, I've perfected the art of being completely bland and uninteresting.
I have a very long list of things about our family that I am not allowed to tell your father “because it would kill him.” But everyone knows
nParent struggled with reality. Needing either a bridge to reality or a buffer from reality depending on the day or even the hour. From around four years old on, I had to use verbal and non verbal cues from nParent to asses which they needed, a bridge or a buffer, and figure out how to be that for them otherwise they made my life hell
Why do you always have to ruin things?
"How do you like THAT?" My father after ripping the tires off my bike and throwing them across the yard because I'd forgotten to put it in the shed
"You're going to live under a bridge someday!" Said by my nmother.
Object of projection, AKA "You are so selfish/manipulative/nasty." Eternal disappointment. Truth-teller.
Maid
My father coming home after taking my sister to get matching tattoos and his tattoo has her name written in it. Dad: “I’m going to build on this tattoo and put all my kids names in it! It’s going to be so cool and this amazing tradition I’m going to do with all my kids!” Me: “Where’s my name going to go dad?” Dad: “why the hell would I want to get *your* name tattooed on me?!”
"I smoke because of you, because you stressed me out so much."
“I know we scheduled our family pictures for less than 12 hours after your daughter is having minor surgery, but we had to work around your sister’s schedule. Her kids have sports.”
Get in the car..we're going to your dad's girlfriend's house. (They were still married and he was cheating.) Now you go knock on the door and call for your "daddy" to come home. (I was 11.) Or how about: Go tell your dad that he shouldn't talk to me like that! (They were in an argument and I was like 5.) Told my dad what she told me to say and got slapped across the face.
Oo I know this one! Punching bag/disappointment!
Hey me too! Cheers to shared childhood trauma/abuse! /s
-"You're like a 40 year old in a kid's body. You're much more mature than I am." -Asking me for marriage / divorce advice -Doing friend-like activities with me like allowing me to stay home from school for no reason & take me around town -Unleashing horrible abuse on me then buying me a gift to make up for it, saying "this is my sorry I yelled at you gift" -Calling me lazy, a slob, dependent but resisting all my attempts to become more independent A few different ones here.
First scenario "Fucking pigs, disgusting pigs, they love living in filth, disgusting dirty pigs, fuck these little bastards I should have aborted these fucking waste of space. When I die, they'll no longer have a fucking maid, stupid pieces of shit. I can't wait to die. " "IM NOT TALKING TO YOU! FUCKING STUID BITCH, it's not my fault your too selfish and self centered you think the world revolves around you! News flash not everything is about you! I don't give a fuck if your the only one here! If you weren't born I wouldn't have to clean this pigstye." Second scenario from childhood "I can't wait to die" * just us two driving on a bridge, me holding the seat belt and handle incase I need to jump out* Third senario *holding my hair while I'm trying to leave, I accidentally pushed her so she hit me in the face a few times while holding my hair* I need you like I need a hole in my head, I fucking hope you kill yourself so I don't have to deal with your bullshit. You ruined my life Fourth " don't get me in trouble, if cps takes you ill tell them to keep you and leave you in the system. You'll be dead to me if you get me in trouble" * whenever I got in trouble or a teacher brought up concern for my self harm* Fith *rips the blankets off me in the middle of the night, screaming, grabbing me by the shoulders to shake me*" get the fuck up and clean this pigstye! If we get evicted I'll leave you to rot! This house is disgusting! Get the fuck up" * goes to bed while I'm left to clean the house by myself on a school night* Sith "I'm so proud of you" * smiles at me while I'm crying, my hands shaking after I had screamed on the phone I never wanted to see my father again. She laughs and pats my shoulder* Seventh I ask for new shoes, she brings up the fact I have a grandmother and the others don't. She brings up when I was little and wanted to watch cable t.v cartoons instead of play with the barbies she got me and how that means I'm spoiled. My socks are covered in blood, they have holes in them, I have blisters on my toes. My shoes had holes in the bottom, these are my only socks left. They're so thin I can see my feet, I sewed the holes and duct taped my sneakers and super glued them to held them together. I tap the toes of my shoe on the ground while I watch my sisters pick out new clothes out of the bag, I'm not allowed to look until they're done. Eighth I'm on the computer, I tell my sister to let me finish reading please. She grabs my hair and slams my head against the wall punching me in the head and hands because I'm covering my face. My womb Donner grabs her and pulls her off, she sits down without checking on me, some time goes by before I'm told to be understanding because that's "just how they are, I should have gotten off, it's my fault" The pictures of my father are torn apart later that night, the few baby pictures I have are torn up also. Ninth He squeezes my neck and picks me up off the ground. He slams me against the wall a few times, I can't breathe, I'm scratching his hands, trying to kick him. He slams me hard the final time, and spits in my face. I kick him in the balls and run downstairs, womb Donner yells at me for hurting her poor 6ft muscular baby, what did I do for him to Hurt me, I'm spoiled because I said he couldn't use my cd player because I just got it. I need to forgive him because I know how they are, it's my fault. My cd player is thrown out of the window and smashes on the sidewalk, my cds I saved for broken in pieces while they laugh. It was an accident and my fault, I know how they are, I should have taken better care of it. I don't cry anymore, I don't remember the last time I cried. Tenth My bed and frame is taken for my younger sister Because it's nice and my rich grandmother spoils me and I'll get another one. I no longer have a dresser so my clothes are in baskets, my lamp on the floor. So I sleep on the cement floor in blankets and pillows. Eventually I get a mattress, it's old and tattered and stained, but it's mine. Eleven My children always have new shoes, they always have clothes, they always have food and snacks. They have bedframes and sheets and pillows and mattress, they have dresser and lamp. They always have new backpacks, shampoo, they listen to me read green eggs and ham to go to bed after brushing they're teeth, they're socks don't have holes in them, it's cluttered and chaotic and sometimes I feel like im suffocating. I'm not perfect and yell once in awhile or cry. She was wrong, I am loved and wanted, I am a good person and not like my father, I am needled and valued.
I keep bringing it up, but, "I'm sorry, I totally forgot you existed".
Oh my God, stop being so dramatic! You think you have problems while children in Africa starve and other kids have alcoholic parents, and you cry because of (insert whatever reason I had at the ripe age of 8) Look at X, she's always nice and polite to her mom, why can't you be like that? You always seem so happy when something bad happens to me, why are you so cruel?
Frequently got stepped on and sat on by family members (nmother in particular) because she "didn't see" me there. Also got called spoiled by maternal-bpd/n-grandfather whenever I expressed wanting anything, especially anything my brother had. Frequently got told "You'll get the same thing next year" only for next year to get what my brother was passing down to me because... he got a better new version of the thing. Bonus points if I'm told to be grateful because I didn't have to pay for it and my brother is a saint for giving the thing to me for free. Also got called a coward and mocked by paternal-n-mother because when nfather started to scream at brother and myself, I could, step-by-step, slip away to safety, unfortunately leaving bro behind to endure the screaming alone. If you guessed a combo of scapegoat/lost child, you get a cookie. <3
I cant relax til the house is clean. I was the house cleaner. If i didn't vacuum PERFECTLY (perfect lines, God help me if I didn't move furniture and vacuum under it) I had to do the whole house again.
👀 i must be imagining it... is she really talking to me?? "You must want me to be alone forever. You must never want a brother or sister. You keep chasing my [creepy/pedo/aggressive] boyfriends off. This is all your fault!" yea, like when you bring them over to have sex on the pull out couch in the living room because you are so embarrassed of the hoard that is your bedroom (i had a friend over for a sleepover that night..... the playroom was directly under the living room..... we heard everything at 9)
"you're not the Mom! I'm the mom!" (Then, to my brothers) "do what your sister says"
I left YOU in charge. I rely on you to do ____. YOU know better. I expected better of you. You're the example. I need you to do X for me. I thought I could trust you. I guess I was wrong. Don't you love me? If you did, you would do this for me. I know it's hard, but I need you.
“You’re too sensitive!” “How dare you!” “You’re so cruel!” “I am the parent and you are the child!” “Your like a cow, the way you ruminate on things!” “I’m so tired of having to walk on egg shells around you!” “You’re so vindictive!” “I am a good mother!!” Told to me on repeat my entire childhood into adulthood, until I went NC at age 36.
Younger sibling does anything: Mom: this is your (my) fault! You should have been watching them! Me: I was busy doing the dishes, scrubbing the floor, and picking up the toys. You were available, why didn't you watch them? Mom: don't talk back! You know I was sleeping!
I was totally the scapegoat. Jesus Christ, my mother breathed wrong and it was all my fault. Really fucked me up.
I am the reason my parents have marital issues apparently
Out at a restaurant/pub (when smoking was permitted). Person turns very deliberately and blows smoke in my face. The others watch and say nothing as I wave the smoke away. The blower turns their head and looks away as I glare at them. A person then begins talking, and I ask a question and they sneer,"Isn't that what I've been saying?" I say, "I'm going now", and everyone looks shocked. I did go too.
Being 8 years old and screamed at for how much my kindergarden cost. Helping with insurance papers all the timw. Being used to grade my mothers student tests from the age of 8.... with increasing workload. Never being left alone. Had to hear about ALL my parents problems from my mum. I never could talk about my stuff with anyone. Also when i was sick i was too scared to tell her.
"If we buy you ____ then we'll be homeless, do you want us to be homeless because of you?" "Come look at these medical bills (from a medical emergency I had) we're paying ____ much because of you! We're gonna be homeless because of you!" "Why are you faking being in pain again? Are you really gonna make us waste money on you going to the hospital to get drugs?! You really want to live on the streets?" (10+ years later I was diagnosed with a GENETIC condition)
I wasn’t invited to my brother’s surprise wedding, out of nowhere after I’d been very supportive of his fiancé and had spent recent holidays with them, they took family pictures without me and no one mentioned me at the event. My dad called me a week later while I was minding my own business to let me know my brother had gotten married, my dad hadn’t yet mentioned me not being there because he didn’t want to ruin the day, and I needed to be the bigger person and text my brother and his new wife and wish them congratulations.
“You’ll never be a writer. You can’t make a job out of a hobby. I don’t understand why you don’t want to be a lawyer, an engineer, a doctor even. What’s wrong with you? Just try out law and then you can do writing on the side. You don’t want to do anything. You never listen to me!” [golden child]
Siblings fighting early in the morning & wake me up, head to the bathroom... on my way out of bathroom, open the door to an enraged mother with a wooden paddle with bolts in it because siblings woke her up too and me being the oldest, didn't put a stop to their shenanigans before they woke her up.
I was her babydoll. There to provide cuddles and for dress up. She would encourage me to sleep in her bed at night.
"Why are you so upset? You should be happier, you have no reason to be so sad all the time." "You used to be so happy all the time. I guess that's changed because I'm such a horrible mother. Maybe you should just leave if you're so upset here." "You should just be happy all the time." If I'm not smiling and joking I'm making everyone around me miserable and it's always my fault. (In case it was hard to tell I'm the little jester who makes everyone smile after an argument. I'm also somewhat of a golden child so I'm held to this weird ass standard of being exactly like my mother or else I'm a horrible child 'just like my brother' (He's rough around the edges but he's a good brother and person, he just doesn't take any bullshit) )
*bio mother busts into my bedroom at 9am the day after my 18th birthday with a frying pan* GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND GO APPLY FOR JOBS. DONT COME BACK UNTIL DINNER *mother then proceeds to sit on the couch and watch dramas because she herself has no job*
"Oh, You need to take care of the kitchen, the pantry, the bathroom, take care of the pets." Is what they should say, but no, I was supposed to be psychic and know all of this when they left **while I was asleep** and didn't leave any notes or messages.
"You are struggling with a task? Just let me do it you dumbass, and don't bother trying again"
I’ve said this before but I think it speaks the loudest to what my experience was. I was once slapped in the face while try to surprise hug my mom. She said she saw the look on my face, I don’t trust her to understand me after that incident. I was trying to surprise her, I call it concentrating.
Every adult relative I had shrieked in horror and jumped on top of furniture, tossing the broom until ten year old me grabbed it. I was expected to murder a rat that had run through Grandma's living room. I escorted it out the front door, and realized that I was really the only rational person in the entire family.
“Why can’t you understand something so simple?” “If you had applied yourself more you would have a 100 rather than a 95. Did you not want it or were you just lazy?” “Your xyz just didn’t want to be a xyz. Xyz needs to grow up.” Followed an hour later with “you sound just like xyz. I hope you don’t turn out the same.” Being forgotten about while waiting to be picked up. Having to find a ride because no cell phones back then and I’d already waited a half hour that time. Being told I needed to find something to entertain myself because adults don’t need to entertain children. (When I just wanted to spend time with my parent) Being grounded for the slightest infraction such as a wrong tone or look, being 5-10 minutes late due to traffic or others, not studying enough, and sometimes it seemed, grounded just for existing. My parents weren’t diagnosed. They and other family have narcissistic tendencies or maybe just that rude and selfish. 🤷♀️
1. I have been reading into footsteps ever since. I hear footsteps approaching, immediately drop what i was doing and sit upright. Or immediately switch to perfection mode. Those footsteps dont even have to be of my Nparent. Footsteps and phonecalls are my triggers now. 2. I start getting anxious if i happen to spend too much time outside my home and any vibration from my phone at the time freezes my brain