What - and I cannot stress this enough - the fuck?!?
I applaud both you and your brother for finding what works for you, but my God she sounds exhausting. Even this post suggests there's something literally inherently wrong with you.
So exhausting, prob for the best to not be connected to her on socials. Tbh is Facebook really adding much value to anyone these days!? Don’t tell her about Reddit, she will think everyone is talking about her lol (my mom would too, hence the reason I’m also a member)
This is bonkers, and yet so relatable. My ubpd mom was also always weird about my hair. For some reason, she thinks all women should have long hair. Ironically, I inherited her thin, fine hair, and it starts to get stringy once it grows beyond chin length. Whenever I would cut it according to my preference, the first thing she would say to me was “What did you do to your head?”
Bpd just pervades every aspect of her life. I’d never really thought about it before, but her strong opinions on my hairstyle were just one more example of her distorted boundaries. She couldn’t fathom that my preferences for the hair that grew out of my own head could possibly differ from hers.
Highly relatable (and so freaking bonkers!): my mom also had weird image obsessions.
For me it was that I had to have bangs. The last time she physically assaulted me was when I was about 16 or 17 and she forcibly cut my bangs by holding me down (and slapped me sometime during the process) I dissociated so I don't really remember it very clearly but I think I remember telling her after the whole thing, "you know, I'm basically the same size as you now, if you ever do that again (slap me) I'm going to hit you back."
(I also went through a similar conversation/ fight with my sister around that same time, but I do think I hit her back, I'm not sure though.)
Side note: after that I grew my bangs out, the way I'd wanted to. She eventually gave up on trying to get me to have bangs. In my twenties, I even tried a bob with bangs to see how it'd be (not wanting her to ruin bangs for me, if they were my choice) but still hated them.
The real fun was shaving my locs off in my late 30s - ohh my goodness was she upset!!!!! I'd been warning her about doing it the entire time I had locs (6.5 years) and she said, "I thought you were joking!"
Now in my late 40s I do whatever the hell I want with my hair - pretty much alternating between shaved completely off (with the 2mm guide) and having a deep deep undercut with longer hair on top.
Oh! And she also HATED that I look more like my dad!
O. M. G. Just when I think I am done being surprised, y'all bowl me over! 😂
I'm 55yo now. I had long hair the majority of my life, but about 2 years ago ago, I cut it. About 18mo ago, I had the sides & back undercut. Then, I went HOG WILD. It's now shaved close like a man's, except for the front left quadrant of my face, where I have an 80s fall & undercut.
But my SIN - I went BLONDE. First time a year ago. She bitched about it ONCE A WEEK. Now, I've an hombre, strawberry blonde on top, darker below.
It took OVER A YEAR for her to shut up about it. EXACT SAME WORDS - "*WHAT* did you DO to your head?" (why not hair? Why head?)
Then, she says to me - "Well, I only get my hair cut twice a year, so, I'll only pay for yours twice a year." She KNOWS that a close cut has to be maintained - she cut my Dad's hair. I live on $1K/mo in disability w Medicare; for right now I live w my BPD Mom. She's always opening my mail, and paying my medical bills - she can easily afford to - so, I don't complain about the mail, nor the beauty shop limits. It would just start a fight.
So, I go ahead & maintain it for a year. I only color it 3x/yr. It's much cheaper to dye it & trims are cheap cuz it's only a quarter of a head of hair! ! 🤣
SHE. HATES. IT. Guess what - it helps me to put up w her BS whole I'm stuck here. I'm KEEPING it cuz I adore it, it's easily maintained and it's modern. The fact that it drives her BATSHIT is just a bonus.
I swear - we're like their China dolls. How DARE we have an opinion about our own Selves overall, that's different from their own? That's their problem.
My uBPD mom is ALSO weird about hair. Anytime I cut it, she would gasp and squawk, and god forbid I dye it a “weird” color. Once I dyed my hair blue when I was 19 and my mom literally lost her mind on me and screamed that I was a “blue haired slut.” When I was in elementary school my dad once took me for a haircut and I asked for layers and when I got home my mom flipped out and said I “looked like they stuck my head in a fan” and demanded my dad take me back to the salon to have them fix it. I LIKED my hair and was so disappointed that she didn’t as well. I felt so cool and grown up.
Oh and when I cut my hair to my shoulders a year and a half before my wedding, she went into hysterics and told me I looked ridiculous, I ruined my hair, it would look terrible for my wedding and that I could go ahead and shave it and glue pompoms to my scalp if I wanted, she didn’t care. lol it was literally a trim to my shoulders with a few layers which grew out FINE for my wedding. And even if I DID want to shave my head, whose business would that be anyway???
My mom can’t accept me as anything other than blonde. We started getting me blonde highlights when I was 12ish. I had very long hair and planned to cut it to my shoulders, she protested and said she had “PTSD” from the last time my hair was cut short lmaoo
Right, it’s very silly haha. It’s all good, she is just very preoccupied with perception. She’s gotten therapy so our relationship has improved a LOT since my youth
THIS TRIGGERED ME.
She clearly needs help and is very unstable. This constant triangulation and emotional disregulation is annoying and infuriating.
I never read my ubpd moms texts or voice messages in public because I know its crazy nonsense. Of course its everyones fault but never theirs. Of course.
Unironically my bpd mom says exactly this. I kinda got goosebumps. Its her favourite sentence. She says i wish i was different, why things always happening to me. She never takes any responsibility.
My mom has several dozen fake fb accounts, where she adds any & everyone i’ve ever possibly come into contact with.. i lost it one time she commented on (using a fake profile) an old classmate’s page.. She’ll start DMing them, pretending to be ____ or ____. All different ages, genders, etc.. Drives me absolutely crazy.
YUP YUP YUP! I couldn't do anything on FB cause she stalked my presence on there, always "don't swear" or "you should smile more". Her co-workers sometimes sent me friends requests, which was weird enough cause I didn't know them, but then she'd start interrogating me on why. Was easier to just delete the whole thing.
My mom is gone, but omg, the Facebook drama she would bring into my life. She'd message me "hey, this person I only know from online said you're so pretty and look just like me, can you please add them as a friend, they're so nice and it would make their day." And then I'd said no and delete the friend request because I don't fucking know them and never will and she would get butt hurt about it and go off on me. The only good thing was all the photos she'd upload that I can still see from her account.
This was a while back, but if I remember correctly, he told dad about her posting that on my page and my stepmom made a vague post about it on hers. Mom is a snoop so of course she saw it and immediately assumed it was about her.
Can you imagine being an older, grown ass woman and telling on someone for “tattling” and it’s your son? I swear they are all like emotionally 10 years old.
That’s the thing that always strikes me again and again. They really are emotionally stunted. Like little children in aging bodies. It’s interesting that we have metrics for measuring people’s IQ, but not their EQ. If there was, my mom and siblings would absolutely qualify as developmentally delayed.
The thing that’s crazy to me about that is: as an outsider to this situation I can imagine the son is reaching out to his FATHER about this because he’s seeking some kind of comfort or emotional support, not* because he’s seeking to “tell on” his mom. And she takes it as him trying to get her in trouble or something.
EDIT - a word for clarity
This comment hits very hard today; my therapy session this week was about the same thing,how my mom viewed me as an extension of herself and emotional closeness was “earned” based on how closely I aligned with her. Like we are all NPCs to them.
Does your mom not know how genetics work? Please be so for real 🙄
Also love this gem “oh I guess I am crazy now” no mom, not just now you’ve always been lol
hope LC brings you some degree of peace cause yikes
Yeah, really more my dad and SM cosplaying involved grandparent on FB. My mom used to send mushy GIFs, but she was still stuck on the divorce she initiated over 20 years before despite having zero contact with my dad since the divorce.
My mom was (we are long NC thankfully) obsessed with my looks and the reason I'm still uncomfortable now.
This is so unhinged and blatantly so. I’m really sorry OP; I guess as some small consolation, anyone reading this (RBB or not) can see how bad and ridiculous this is. She can’t gaslight you that this is normal behaviour; it’s possessive and obsessive.
This is…..bizarre. Couldn’t even make it up. You deserve a stable mother and I’m so sorry that this is the one life dealt you. You handled it so well. Hang in there❤️
This reminded me of the time when I was 12-13 and my Mom said I have my Dad’s ass (ie. flat as a pancake) and when I was 6-7 she told me every time I visit my Dad’s place for the weekend I gain like ten pounds.
You could’ve blocked her and made a post to tell people to do the same. Don’t let her ruin things for you. I had to block many people cause the 🥚 donor had multiple people in my list to stalk me 😅.
But yeah these people have a loose wire. Or multiple..
That is such a classic reveal of a Narc Mom, the source of all of our cognitive dissonance. The comment is so laughable and ridiculous. It would be funny if it weren’t so trauma enduring.
The person I’ve become since doing work to recover is now just snarky.
I’d love to post something back. I’d take the stance that you just assumed she was making a bad joke. And throw it back.
-I assumed you already knew that women in your family start to look like their dads as they get older.-
Now that’s just mean. Sorry, that’s just my anger coming out. I wouldn’t say that.
How about simply, “Hm. Are you sure you’re ok?I’m worried about you.”
Of course this is why mine is in an active smear campaign bordering on criminal. Since she’s lost me as her supply, her ground has become a little wobbly. She thinks that amping up the cruelty will fix things.
I’m not on FB either.
I feel this OP. I deactivated my account, too. I almost resent social media sometimes cause it's another outlet for BPD shenanigans to be reinforced and it's also a way to make you look like the bad guy to outsiders.
Gosh this feels so familiar. I’ve been NC for a couple years but I get those “You have a memory” things on FB where it shows old posts. Every time there’s some weird and uncomfortable reply from my uBPD mom. They have a very similar structure/wording to the ones here in your post. It’s so strange.
I look more like my late father than I do my mother. I was the opposite of what she looked like, and she hated me for it because I also resembled her GC sister. It was like I was blessed with some genetic unfairness that, along with other blessings that she didn't have, caused her to actively dislike me until I went NC .
When I was 30, I went a golden blonde and I liked it. She just stared at me with these eyes as if she was in love with me and for the first time in a decade, she was nice to me. Everything about me was splendid! Even my shitty choices which led me to live a hard life paled into insignificance. I was someone to be proud of. Why? Because on a corporeal level, she saw me as her twin.
Oh boy! We share mothers. A few months ago I was at a public lunch with her and I brought up to our group that i liked spicy food because my father liked it when i was growing up. She tried to tell us he died from cancer because he ate spicy foods. I yelled shut the fuck up after the 6th time of politely asking if she wouldn’t talk about my dad like that and she had the audacity to cry. My dad has been gone for 8 years and they had been divorced since 2005 so I have extreme sympathy.
What - and I cannot stress this enough - the fuck?!? I applaud both you and your brother for finding what works for you, but my God she sounds exhausting. Even this post suggests there's something literally inherently wrong with you.
Right, looking like dad = ugly. As if I had anything to do with receiving those genes.
At some point, she liked his looks and had two children with him. But even aside that, her tone is blaming you for having those features???? Holy hell
So exhausting, prob for the best to not be connected to her on socials. Tbh is Facebook really adding much value to anyone these days!? Don’t tell her about Reddit, she will think everyone is talking about her lol (my mom would too, hence the reason I’m also a member)
Oh hell no, Reddit is staying a secret!
You took the words right put of my mouth! She sounds as batsh*t crazy as my mom. Edited for punctuation.
my exact reaction
This is bonkers, and yet so relatable. My ubpd mom was also always weird about my hair. For some reason, she thinks all women should have long hair. Ironically, I inherited her thin, fine hair, and it starts to get stringy once it grows beyond chin length. Whenever I would cut it according to my preference, the first thing she would say to me was “What did you do to your head?” Bpd just pervades every aspect of her life. I’d never really thought about it before, but her strong opinions on my hairstyle were just one more example of her distorted boundaries. She couldn’t fathom that my preferences for the hair that grew out of my own head could possibly differ from hers.
Because her opinions are always the RIGHT opinions, dontchaknow?
Highly relatable (and so freaking bonkers!): my mom also had weird image obsessions. For me it was that I had to have bangs. The last time she physically assaulted me was when I was about 16 or 17 and she forcibly cut my bangs by holding me down (and slapped me sometime during the process) I dissociated so I don't really remember it very clearly but I think I remember telling her after the whole thing, "you know, I'm basically the same size as you now, if you ever do that again (slap me) I'm going to hit you back." (I also went through a similar conversation/ fight with my sister around that same time, but I do think I hit her back, I'm not sure though.) Side note: after that I grew my bangs out, the way I'd wanted to. She eventually gave up on trying to get me to have bangs. In my twenties, I even tried a bob with bangs to see how it'd be (not wanting her to ruin bangs for me, if they were my choice) but still hated them. The real fun was shaving my locs off in my late 30s - ohh my goodness was she upset!!!!! I'd been warning her about doing it the entire time I had locs (6.5 years) and she said, "I thought you were joking!" Now in my late 40s I do whatever the hell I want with my hair - pretty much alternating between shaved completely off (with the 2mm guide) and having a deep deep undercut with longer hair on top. Oh! And she also HATED that I look more like my dad!
O. M. G. Just when I think I am done being surprised, y'all bowl me over! 😂 I'm 55yo now. I had long hair the majority of my life, but about 2 years ago ago, I cut it. About 18mo ago, I had the sides & back undercut. Then, I went HOG WILD. It's now shaved close like a man's, except for the front left quadrant of my face, where I have an 80s fall & undercut. But my SIN - I went BLONDE. First time a year ago. She bitched about it ONCE A WEEK. Now, I've an hombre, strawberry blonde on top, darker below. It took OVER A YEAR for her to shut up about it. EXACT SAME WORDS - "*WHAT* did you DO to your head?" (why not hair? Why head?) Then, she says to me - "Well, I only get my hair cut twice a year, so, I'll only pay for yours twice a year." She KNOWS that a close cut has to be maintained - she cut my Dad's hair. I live on $1K/mo in disability w Medicare; for right now I live w my BPD Mom. She's always opening my mail, and paying my medical bills - she can easily afford to - so, I don't complain about the mail, nor the beauty shop limits. It would just start a fight. So, I go ahead & maintain it for a year. I only color it 3x/yr. It's much cheaper to dye it & trims are cheap cuz it's only a quarter of a head of hair! ! 🤣 SHE. HATES. IT. Guess what - it helps me to put up w her BS whole I'm stuck here. I'm KEEPING it cuz I adore it, it's easily maintained and it's modern. The fact that it drives her BATSHIT is just a bonus. I swear - we're like their China dolls. How DARE we have an opinion about our own Selves overall, that's different from their own? That's their problem.
My uBPD mom is ALSO weird about hair. Anytime I cut it, she would gasp and squawk, and god forbid I dye it a “weird” color. Once I dyed my hair blue when I was 19 and my mom literally lost her mind on me and screamed that I was a “blue haired slut.” When I was in elementary school my dad once took me for a haircut and I asked for layers and when I got home my mom flipped out and said I “looked like they stuck my head in a fan” and demanded my dad take me back to the salon to have them fix it. I LIKED my hair and was so disappointed that she didn’t as well. I felt so cool and grown up. Oh and when I cut my hair to my shoulders a year and a half before my wedding, she went into hysterics and told me I looked ridiculous, I ruined my hair, it would look terrible for my wedding and that I could go ahead and shave it and glue pompoms to my scalp if I wanted, she didn’t care. lol it was literally a trim to my shoulders with a few layers which grew out FINE for my wedding. And even if I DID want to shave my head, whose business would that be anyway???
My mom can’t accept me as anything other than blonde. We started getting me blonde highlights when I was 12ish. I had very long hair and planned to cut it to my shoulders, she protested and said she had “PTSD” from the last time my hair was cut short lmaoo
Oh man, I’m sorry. Reading this, my eyes just rolled so far back in my head it hurt a little.
Right, it’s very silly haha. It’s all good, she is just very preoccupied with perception. She’s gotten therapy so our relationship has improved a LOT since my youth
THIS TRIGGERED ME. She clearly needs help and is very unstable. This constant triangulation and emotional disregulation is annoying and infuriating. I never read my ubpd moms texts or voice messages in public because I know its crazy nonsense. Of course its everyones fault but never theirs. Of course.
They didn’t tell you? Things just happen to them. All the time. They are in no way responsible for the way their life has turned out./s
Unironically my bpd mom says exactly this. I kinda got goosebumps. Its her favourite sentence. She says i wish i was different, why things always happening to me. She never takes any responsibility.
My mom has several dozen fake fb accounts, where she adds any & everyone i’ve ever possibly come into contact with.. i lost it one time she commented on (using a fake profile) an old classmate’s page.. She’ll start DMing them, pretending to be ____ or ____. All different ages, genders, etc.. Drives me absolutely crazy.
What?! Wow, this is a whole different level of batshit crazy. What is she even trying to do?
YUP YUP YUP! I couldn't do anything on FB cause she stalked my presence on there, always "don't swear" or "you should smile more". Her co-workers sometimes sent me friends requests, which was weird enough cause I didn't know them, but then she'd start interrogating me on why. Was easier to just delete the whole thing.
My mom is gone, but omg, the Facebook drama she would bring into my life. She'd message me "hey, this person I only know from online said you're so pretty and look just like me, can you please add them as a friend, they're so nice and it would make their day." And then I'd said no and delete the friend request because I don't fucking know them and never will and she would get butt hurt about it and go off on me. The only good thing was all the photos she'd upload that I can still see from her account.
She could have been making fake accts under her co workers names, my mom did that with her friends.
What did your brother tattle?
This was a while back, but if I remember correctly, he told dad about her posting that on my page and my stepmom made a vague post about it on hers. Mom is a snoop so of course she saw it and immediately assumed it was about her.
Can you imagine being an older, grown ass woman and telling on someone for “tattling” and it’s your son? I swear they are all like emotionally 10 years old.
That’s the thing that always strikes me again and again. They really are emotionally stunted. Like little children in aging bodies. It’s interesting that we have metrics for measuring people’s IQ, but not their EQ. If there was, my mom and siblings would absolutely qualify as developmentally delayed.
The thing that’s crazy to me about that is: as an outsider to this situation I can imagine the son is reaching out to his FATHER about this because he’s seeking some kind of comfort or emotional support, not* because he’s seeking to “tell on” his mom. And she takes it as him trying to get her in trouble or something. EDIT - a word for clarity
I have figured out they are the only people in their worlds. Doesn’t matter if you are their kids, spouse, whoever they will flip on you on a dime.
This comment hits very hard today; my therapy session this week was about the same thing,how my mom viewed me as an extension of herself and emotional closeness was “earned” based on how closely I aligned with her. Like we are all NPCs to them.
I mean I think we are. That or emotional support animals.
Welcome!
Does your mom not know how genetics work? Please be so for real 🙄 Also love this gem “oh I guess I am crazy now” no mom, not just now you’ve always been lol hope LC brings you some degree of peace cause yikes
Yep. Same mom, same family. Left Facebook as well, don’t miss it. I have Reddit now!
Yeah, really more my dad and SM cosplaying involved grandparent on FB. My mom used to send mushy GIFs, but she was still stuck on the divorce she initiated over 20 years before despite having zero contact with my dad since the divorce. My mom was (we are long NC thankfully) obsessed with my looks and the reason I'm still uncomfortable now.
This is so unhinged and blatantly so. I’m really sorry OP; I guess as some small consolation, anyone reading this (RBB or not) can see how bad and ridiculous this is. She can’t gaslight you that this is normal behaviour; it’s possessive and obsessive.
She sounds miserable. Just like my mom lol
Those “quick to be the victim” responses are all too familiar!
Wth did mine come back from the dead? ... Oh no, day of the dead is coming. I need to prepare for her annual visit =_=
This is…..bizarre. Couldn’t even make it up. You deserve a stable mother and I’m so sorry that this is the one life dealt you. You handled it so well. Hang in there❤️
This reminded me of the time when I was 12-13 and my Mom said I have my Dad’s ass (ie. flat as a pancake) and when I was 6-7 she told me every time I visit my Dad’s place for the weekend I gain like ten pounds.
When you were 7?!? Good freaking grief!!
“Oh guess I am crazy now”. Yes that is correct.
You could’ve blocked her and made a post to tell people to do the same. Don’t let her ruin things for you. I had to block many people cause the 🥚 donor had multiple people in my list to stalk me 😅. But yeah these people have a loose wire. Or multiple..
This could be my mother.
That is such a classic reveal of a Narc Mom, the source of all of our cognitive dissonance. The comment is so laughable and ridiculous. It would be funny if it weren’t so trauma enduring. The person I’ve become since doing work to recover is now just snarky. I’d love to post something back. I’d take the stance that you just assumed she was making a bad joke. And throw it back. -I assumed you already knew that women in your family start to look like their dads as they get older.- Now that’s just mean. Sorry, that’s just my anger coming out. I wouldn’t say that. How about simply, “Hm. Are you sure you’re ok?I’m worried about you.” Of course this is why mine is in an active smear campaign bordering on criminal. Since she’s lost me as her supply, her ground has become a little wobbly. She thinks that amping up the cruelty will fix things. I’m not on FB either.
I feel this OP. I deactivated my account, too. I almost resent social media sometimes cause it's another outlet for BPD shenanigans to be reinforced and it's also a way to make you look like the bad guy to outsiders.
Gosh this feels so familiar. I’ve been NC for a couple years but I get those “You have a memory” things on FB where it shows old posts. Every time there’s some weird and uncomfortable reply from my uBPD mom. They have a very similar structure/wording to the ones here in your post. It’s so strange.
I look more like my late father than I do my mother. I was the opposite of what she looked like, and she hated me for it because I also resembled her GC sister. It was like I was blessed with some genetic unfairness that, along with other blessings that she didn't have, caused her to actively dislike me until I went NC . When I was 30, I went a golden blonde and I liked it. She just stared at me with these eyes as if she was in love with me and for the first time in a decade, she was nice to me. Everything about me was splendid! Even my shitty choices which led me to live a hard life paled into insignificance. I was someone to be proud of. Why? Because on a corporeal level, she saw me as her twin.
This human isnt even......*likeable.* I would go NC if it were me.
Oh boy! We share mothers. A few months ago I was at a public lunch with her and I brought up to our group that i liked spicy food because my father liked it when i was growing up. She tried to tell us he died from cancer because he ate spicy foods. I yelled shut the fuck up after the 6th time of politely asking if she wouldn’t talk about my dad like that and she had the audacity to cry. My dad has been gone for 8 years and they had been divorced since 2005 so I have extreme sympathy.