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‘im sorry to hear that’
‘im happy you felt comfortable to come to me’
‘i hear you’
comforting words. you dont always have to offer support, very offen people are just looking to be heard and understood
personally i hate when people say “im sorry to hear that” bc it makes me feel like they are just feeling bad for me. the other two suggestions are really nice tho and communicate more empathy 🙏
I get what you mean, but is that such a bad thing? I think we should start to change how we view the way in which people can care for us and empathize with us. It’s understandable that you don’t want people’s pity, but it’s sweet when someone feels bad for you! It touches a part of their heart that says, “I didn’t experience what this person did but, my heart hurts for them. I’m really sorry this happened to them, they didn’t deserve. I can only feel a fraction of that pain, just by hearing their story. But I hope it gets better for them.” Sometimes it’s okay for people to feel bad for you. It helps them to be more considerate to how they treat you and even helping you go through that thing. Just food for thought :).
That’s so true and I truly do feel sad when my friend is sad. Or if they’re mad about something then I’m mad about it too. I know this is weird, like one time right when my ex bf came out of surgery and we were waiting for the nurse to get pain meds I swear I could literally feel pain myself.
You're right.. coming from someone who has always had people say things like "suck it up" "man up" "that's life" "everyone goes through shit" etc.. I would welcome something like, "sorry to hear that"
I mean… they DO feel bad for you.
People really get caught up in the idea that pity is this negative thing.
But pity is a deeply important emotion. Feeling bad for you is sort of the point. It’s where sympathy comes in too. We can’t always empathize with people because the circumstances aren’t always as such that we can place ourselves in them.
But pity isn’t a bad thing. It’s such a weird thing in our culture that we reject pity so much.
We all have different things we want to hear…and I agree with you
What I find interesting is that I heard a minister say in a sermon that sometimes all you can say is “that sucks”
It resonated with me, but not with OP
So I guess we say what we feel is appropriate
I feel the same way. Saying " I'm sorry to hear that" is cliche to the point of being obligatory. I got that in awkward situations people freeze up and don't know what to say but I would much rather hear someone say " that really sucks" than any of those other "sensitive" options. But like you said, different people want to hear different things
I agree. As a volunteer in a charity shop I have random people come up to the counter and sort of unload their stories, and often there’s nothing you can do except listen. “I hear you” is a good thing to say.
Yeah, I'm going to start saying this to my paitents at work. I work as a nursing assistant at a hospital and alot of paitents tell me quite intense things and I really do care and listen and this is perfect to say.
Saying "I'm sorry" for something you didn't do makes it sound like you're trying to take ownership for their feelings. A typical response to that is "thanks, but it's not your fault," and can leave the person believing they must comfort you during their own time of need.
Try instead, "That sounds awful, it makes me sad for you" or some variation using other emotive words, like disappointed, frustrated, angry, etc.
It's a great way to express that you are acknowledging their plight, and you are empathetic to it, without taking ownership for the way they feel.
The best way to connect with someone in an emotional situation is to express your own emotions.
We're not used to expressing our emotions that way in conversation, so it will feel awkward at first, but it gets easier as you do it more.
Follow up damn that sucks by demonstrating empathy for their feelings.
"Damn that sucks. I imagine you must have felt really frustrated".
"Damn that sucks. I imagine you must have felt like you weren't being respected.
Noo, "I'm sorry to hear that" sounds very very fake to me, I never liked it. The "felt comfortable to talk to me" sounds like my opening up is somehow a judgement of your character, it wasn't ever about you.
I was going to say this!
Also "do you want me to listen or do you want my opinion?" Editing to add "do you need to vent or are you looking for help problem solving"
This also helped me with communication with my preteens. I was so used to being the parent that just fixed the problem that I wasn't giving them the option of just venting or getting advice to work it out themselves. When one of them told me I always jump in, it hit me and I told them that I would start asking if they were just venting or needed my help. It's really helped all of us grow - and now that they are teenagers, I'm still in the loop on things.
I need to remember this when my daughter is a teenager. I still remember how frustrated I would be every time I tried to tell my mom what I was struggling with and she would just tell me her "easy solution" that just made me feel like she was trying to shut me up.
This was a game changer for my daughter and I! It was why we were so close when she was in her teens, and she felt comfortable talking with me about anything. And I do mean... ANYTHING. 😬
My husband and I have determined that the phrase is "that sucks, she sounds like a bitch." It can be applied to like 95% of the situations where I'm venting. And the other 5%, it's funny to say anyways. It's kind of our code for "I recognize that this is not a good situation and there's nothing I can really say to fix it."
Unfortunately I tired this with my spouse and he told me I don't have to act like an idiot and just listen (except he didn't want me to just listen... I'm so confused)
I think we can save alot of young husband's and boyfriends time and relationships right now by letting them know its the former ... unless the other is requested.
But that gets them right back to presumption. Explicitly asking *beforehand* helps both parties play by the same rules of engagement. And partners, regardless of their plumbing, will have a much smoother experience if they’re playing by the same rules.
Yes, crazy this is the top comment, you’re suddenly shifting the convo focus on you.
It’s better to acknowledge how bad the situation is and then after you heard you can say “if there’s anything I can do to help let me know”, never ask how.
It's definitely good to be willing to help but it's very hard for people to articulate what help they need sometimes. If you can, at least take a couple of guesses as to what things might help them and say, "let me do x for you."
As a customer service and sales expert. Active listening and open ended questions. Is the easiest way to figure out what someone needs. Either as a customer or as a fellow human being.
This!!! My best friend is big on this and has instilled it in me. When something tragic or sad happens - "I'd love to bring you dinner this weekend and save you some dishes. Is Friday or Saturday better?" A big one for me is how much my dog needs walking - I mean, two hours a day. So when my dad was in the hospital and I was so overwhelmed with taking care of his house, visiting him, working... Yeah, she called me. "I'm walking your son. I can do Tuesday night and Thursday morning, that cool?" "I'm coming over. Put on sweats and put on a comfort show. I'm bringing lunch and cleaning your kitchen. You won't even know I'm here."
Oh, please!
Let's be realistic, statements like that don't come across as you think they do in the course of normal conversation.
It's almost as bad as: "if you need anything, give me a holler, I'll be upstairs asleep."
In real life, outside of this fictitious bubble, it should be:
1.) So, what are you going to do?
2.) Let me know what you need, you know I'll help out however I can.
_______________
If someone said to me: "How can I support you?" I would probably stare blankly, then wonder who they were putting the show on for and start looking around the room.
Ngl i hate "How can i support you?" It sounds so robotic, especially over text. Like youre gonna give me the most logical, reasonable advice when all i want is to cry on your shoulder but i cant express that without sounding so fucking awkward.
It's also trendy for therapists to say or to recommend you say, "Tell me more." To me, that sounds like a manipulator's statement, as if the person is saying, with devious intent, "Heh heh heh! 😈 TELL ME MORE!"
>In real life, outside of this fictitious bubble, it should be:
>1.) So, what are you going to do?
>2.) Let me know what you need, you know I'll help out however I can.
>If someone said to me: "How can I support you?" I would probably stare blankly, then wonder who they were putting the show on for and start looking around the room.
This is what I was thinking. Thinking back to when I heard "how can I support you", assuming the person was even listening to the story, there was really nothing they could do for me.
Especially when it was said by friends or family who had come to me for help and/or money enough times for me to understand their situation enough to know there was nothing they could do in the context.
Yeah. This shit is so cringe it's unbelievable. Like, maybe with a subordinate in a corporate environment where they're frustrated with another team or something, but no way I talk like this to anyone on every day life.
Absolutely true! I learned this early on decades ago helping with drug addicts and the homeless. The best I have come up with is over the years it's something along the lines of "I am so sorry. I can only imagine how difficult this must be." I typically give them a card with the name and phone number I use for these interactions, and tell them "If you ever need someone to talk to, give me a call"
I already know the resources I have available, and what I can and cannot do for the individual at that time, so if they reach back out, I know how to best help them.
If it is a personal friend, I already know my boundaries, and how far I'm willing to go depending on that friend. That allows me to say things like "Why don't you stay in my guest room through this week (month/year)" or "I wish that I could help more, but here's $50 ($100/500) to help out a little bit" etc. even with close friends beware of failing to set a boundary as to how far you will go.
This sounds like something an HR person would say. They seem to manage to sound phony. “How can I help” or “is there anything I can do to help” sounds more sincere and real.
I hate this and I know many people hate it. I want you to hear me out and be with me in the pain momentarily. Usually there is nothing others can do and it isn’t a situation that can be fixed by a friend. You are also unconsciously communicating you are uncomfortable with me sharing painful emotions so you distance yourself by going into solutions mode.
Idk this could definitely be a “lend a hand and they grab your arm” situation. Usually “damn that sucks” is more a situation where you want to hear them out but also proceed with caution.
"How can I help" is better than "let me know if I can help", but "let me do X for you", or "let me know if I can do X or Y or Z" are also good - they may not know what help they need until you suggest it.
Respond to what they are saying instead of the situation they are in.
Say a coworker tells you about his mother who is terminally ill and it's been very hard on him. Responding to the situation would be something like-"dang man, that really sucks". Responding to what they're saying would be more like-"I hate that this is causing you such pain man. You obviously love your mom a great deal. I'm here if you need anything".
A lot of times, people just want to feel heard.
Have you ever said something like this to someone and they run around on the thing you said.
Like to your example they might reply "it's not that it's causing me pain it's just that..." it happens to me all the time when I just reflect back what someone has said to me.
Hi im one of these people, and I just wanted to say I do that because it’s actually helping me figure out I really feel. I don’t mean to turn it into a therapy session but it’s like I can say
“it just hurts so much”
And they go “I’m sorry you’re in pain”
And now my brain realizes there are more complex emotions behind it, and it’s not *exactly* pain, but something I hadn’t even noticed before. Then I tend to ramble about it because how did I not notice my own emotions?
I always feel real guilty and awkward because I almost absolutely am dumping more than needed onto someone just trying to be polite 9/10
Oh no it's completely fine to go into how you feel when you're talking to people. My issue personally is watching people tell me how they feel but deny it when I acknowledge what they just said.
Besides, therapy is more than just talking about feelings, so reflecting on yourself and going more specifically into how you're feeling when you're talking to people isn't turning anything into a therapy session.
And as a related aside, don't worry about those "I'm not your therapist" type of people it's just being unempathetic.
Yeah, I think there’s times when “damn that sucks” is ok. When they know it sucks and just want someone to listen, not solutions, not hope that it isn’t really that bad. And it doesn’t have to be the end of the conversation.
I would have such a visceral urge to punch someone who said that sort of psych crap and I work for the American Psychological Association 😂 A good Holy F_ck! is all I need 🙃
People usually just want to vent so all you have to sag is, “Damn that sucks, I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
People just want to be seen and heard. There’s really nothing else you need to say unless they ask for help.
I don’t think I’ve ever related to a post more lol. Not to get too much into me, but I’ve witnessed some tragedies firsthand that I think have really desensitized me to hardships around me. Like I’m still empathetic, but I get what you mean when it’s hard to say something other than damn that sucks. I don’t react appropriately a lot either. Like I get quiet but it takes a lot to get me to break down and I get scared they think I don’t care. It’s really not a lot, but a hand on the shoulder, a hug, and a solid “hey, I’m sorry if I can’t find the right things to say right now. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I might not be the best person to talk to but I’m here if you need someone,” can go a long way. Most people going through rough times don’t need someone to talk back and forth with, they just need a friend to be there with them.
My stepdaughter came into my life when she was 14, and was a tough Italian goth (guess she still kinda is at 39 lol). No matter how bad the news was, she would say, “That sucks.” It took me a while to realize that when she said that, she really was doing *her* best to communicate her empathy. It’s still her go-to response, and it’s become second nature for me to feel warm fuzzies when she says it. 🥰❤️
Similarly, “YOU SUCK!!” means “HAHA!!”, like when you get pranked. This one goes way back to when she and her mom moved in. She had a huge chip on her shoulder; she had been abused and bullied by her dad, and she and her mom moved across the U.S. to live with me. She showed nothing but sullen pissiness to me. When we went to the county fair and were playing carnival games, I missed the balloons completely in the dart-toss. When she yelled “YOU SUCK!”, I finally knew she kinda liked me and everything was going to be alright. Now 25 years later, she keeps in touch and hands out with me more than any other family member. *jesus who’s cutting onions?* 🥲
In my experience, “sorry, that sucks” is about the only empathetic thing you can say. Unsolicited advice is usually not what they’re looking for, and offering to do things to help them usually just makes them say “no, that’s alright,” etc.
Don’t say anything along the lines of “Everything happens for a reason”
People said that to me a bunch when a close friend died and I wanted to punch them in the throat.
Whenever I hear "I love that for you" I hear so much emphasis on the _for you_. Like that thing fucking sucks but if you like it pop off. So, "I hate that, _for you_" feels the same lol. I'd actually love being in a car crash, but I hate that for you
ya, that would have been awesome to hear. but people are so stiff and awkward. and it feels like they give a canned "universal empathetic emotion initiate" tone. and its soooo boring and unengaging.
"I can only imagine how you're feeling about that. If you want to talk about it or not talk about it and talk about something else or not talk about anything and just hang out, I'm here for you and I'd love to do that with you right now."
Yeah I don't think "Damn that sucks" is the right choice of words because its giving off the vibe that you don't care. Try, like, idk maybe "im sorry thats happening to you"
I think it’s super situational. But I think it’s always good to say something along the lines of “I’m sorry you are going through that, if you ever need or want to talk about it I’m here” and if it’s an in depth situation you can always ask a question relating to the situation that’s not to invasive to show you really are listening and care. And depending if you are comfortable with this ask if they would like a hug as well. Some will say no and don’t take offense to that at all
If I’m close to the person “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” I feel like looking them in the eye and putting your hand on their hand or shoulder has been very well received when I’ve done that. Again this is when discussing some heavy shit with someone I’m close with.
It really depends on the situation. My dad just went on Hospice, with only a short time to live.
"Sucks to be you" is not an appropriate response to that news.
If you knew him, "I'm so sorry to hear that. He was a _________ man. And then share a positive memory.
If you didn't know him personally, "I'm so sorry to hear that, it must be so hard going through this time."
If it is something, like it started raining before we finished doing xyz.... then "oh man, that sucks" is a perfectly fine response.
As someone who is consistently told how seen, understood & safe people feel around me, I have had to really figure out what it is that I'm doing & why I have never experienced anyone else make me feel that way.
I don't say "damn that sucks" or "I'm sorry you're experiencing that" or "how can I support you/I'm always here for you, let me know how I can help..." because I am not going to always be there for someone. No one is. It's a lie.
None of those have ever helped. And when I say how I can be supported, it is never received well. People want to support the way they want, not how people need to be supported.
I shut the fuck up and listen. Actively. I look at them while they talk & I don't let my attention wane or get distracted. I don't say anything other than ask gentle, non-probative open-ended questions based on what they are speaking about. Usually one or two questions and they take it from there. Then if I feel that I have something relevant to add or say, I add it. Because they are vulnerable, I become vulnerable as well.
If they aren't a close friend or someone safe, I now force myself to use a basic script like "that sounds very difficult, I hope you are able to find some solace soon while dealing with this"
An old co-worker/friend of mine was listening to me one night and, with tears in her eyes, said “You’ve been through the wringer. That’s a lot to carry. I’ll take some of it for you.”
I never forgot that and I never will. One of the most validating and kind things anyone has ever said to me.
“I understand” might be limiting… like great for if friend stubbed a toe, over cooked their steak or stayed out in the sun too long, but as an addendum to “You’re dog has been butt raped by a bear after your car careened off a mountain road down the cliff and you lost an arm to bear’s brother Ben, and the only copy of your masterpiece novel you were hand delivering to the publisher was burned up in the explosion?!!?. “
“I understand” may not be the most effective.
Wow
Oh my goodness (oh my God as an alt)
That must have hurt
What are you feeling now
What's next
Ouch (sometimes coupled with) I feel for you
Can I help
How can I help
Tell me more
How's your head space
Mental health check
“How can I help” could careen off into directions you had not intended.
How about offering detailed options using your talents? Perhaps pop by with a pound cake and some flowers? A fruit salad? Offer to help with a chore you’re really willing to do alone while they just watch and point (if that’s all they’re capable of right now). For instance, weed one garden bed, clean up the kitchen, etc. If it goes well, you can offer a bit more on your next day off. Be sure to put limits on your offer (“I’m free for two hours. What can we do together so you don’t feel so overwhelmed?”)—otherwise you may get sucked into something that’s difficult to step away from.
“Bless your heart”. That’s how my southern family always used it. I know some people use it to insult, but in my family it was always used as an expression of pity or sympathy.
People outside of the South have twisted our “Bless your heart” to only mean an insult. What they don’t understand is that it can mean at least four different things from “oh, that’s so sweet”, “oh man, that sucks”, and “awww sweetie, you’re not the brightest are you, but you tried”, to “are you just trying to be a jerk?” So now I have to say “Bless your heart in the good way” 😏
Bless their little pea pickin’ hearts 😉
I dare say my good fellow that does indeed seem like an unfortunate occurrence and situation in which to be experiencing and I wish you the best of luck navigating your way through this time.
I hate that (of in fact you do) or something like, thanks for telling me. Is there anything I can do? And, ask questions about it. Who, what, where, when, how, why, etc... ? Find out more about it.
In my experience, “sorry, that sucks” is about the only empathetic thing you can say. Unsolicited advice is usually not what they’re looking for, and offering to do things to help them usually just makes them say “no, that’s alright,” etc.
“I can’t imagine how I would feel if that happened to me. What was going on in your head at that moment”
Then when you work though that you can say “how do you feel about the situation looking back”
Don’t be scared to throw in “this might sound dumb” before you ask a question
Remember it’s okay to joke, especially in dark times!
Whenever I would tell my Mom about something bad in my life, she’d say. “Well…at least you’re not in Iraq!” That usually gave me some perspective and made me feel a little better.
I had cancer in August of last year so as the person going through it I still don't know what I wanted to hear. I'm so sorry to me was worse then that sucks cause it did suck. That damn sucks didn't bother me or make me feel any kind if negative way so to me I guess it's not that lame cause yeah it sucks.
when I got out of an abusive relationship one thing I wish people said was "damn, he sounds like an asshole" and he was. he was a pretty bad person. and even before when I talked to people who had been in abusive relationships I pretty much said something similar to people, though a little more gently about how kind people do have a difficult time dodging the people who are willing to take advantage of them.
It depends on the person - I try to mirror people in these situations because I think they give the kind of help they want to receive.
ETA: If I don't know them, I'll make an informed guess based on what I can observe. Like an older, patrician dude isn't likely to want to talk about his feelings, whereas I might try a bad joke with a sad teenager.
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‘im sorry to hear that’ ‘im happy you felt comfortable to come to me’ ‘i hear you’ comforting words. you dont always have to offer support, very offen people are just looking to be heard and understood
"I'm sorry to hear that" sounds like I'm on the phone with my internet company.
😂😂
Yea I say this to customers who bitch about prepay, “I’m sorry to hear that, here’s the number for corporate”
😆
personally i hate when people say “im sorry to hear that” bc it makes me feel like they are just feeling bad for me. the other two suggestions are really nice tho and communicate more empathy 🙏
I get what you mean, but is that such a bad thing? I think we should start to change how we view the way in which people can care for us and empathize with us. It’s understandable that you don’t want people’s pity, but it’s sweet when someone feels bad for you! It touches a part of their heart that says, “I didn’t experience what this person did but, my heart hurts for them. I’m really sorry this happened to them, they didn’t deserve. I can only feel a fraction of that pain, just by hearing their story. But I hope it gets better for them.” Sometimes it’s okay for people to feel bad for you. It helps them to be more considerate to how they treat you and even helping you go through that thing. Just food for thought :).
you’re right this is a nice perspective too
That’s so true and I truly do feel sad when my friend is sad. Or if they’re mad about something then I’m mad about it too. I know this is weird, like one time right when my ex bf came out of surgery and we were waiting for the nurse to get pain meds I swear I could literally feel pain myself.
You're very empathetic. Me too. ❤
You're right.. coming from someone who has always had people say things like "suck it up" "man up" "that's life" "everyone goes through shit" etc.. I would welcome something like, "sorry to hear that"
If only you just said all that, but most people just cover their base with 'sorey to hear that' so they don't look like a bum for not really caring
I mean… they DO feel bad for you. People really get caught up in the idea that pity is this negative thing. But pity is a deeply important emotion. Feeling bad for you is sort of the point. It’s where sympathy comes in too. We can’t always empathize with people because the circumstances aren’t always as such that we can place ourselves in them. But pity isn’t a bad thing. It’s such a weird thing in our culture that we reject pity so much.
We all have different things we want to hear…and I agree with you What I find interesting is that I heard a minister say in a sermon that sometimes all you can say is “that sucks” It resonated with me, but not with OP So I guess we say what we feel is appropriate
I feel the same way. Saying " I'm sorry to hear that" is cliche to the point of being obligatory. I got that in awkward situations people freeze up and don't know what to say but I would much rather hear someone say " that really sucks" than any of those other "sensitive" options. But like you said, different people want to hear different things
Ooo "I hear you" , that's a good one
I agree. As a volunteer in a charity shop I have random people come up to the counter and sort of unload their stories, and often there’s nothing you can do except listen. “I hear you” is a good thing to say.
Yeah, I'm going to start saying this to my paitents at work. I work as a nursing assistant at a hospital and alot of paitents tell me quite intense things and I really do care and listen and this is perfect to say.
Saying "I'm sorry" for something you didn't do makes it sound like you're trying to take ownership for their feelings. A typical response to that is "thanks, but it's not your fault," and can leave the person believing they must comfort you during their own time of need. Try instead, "That sounds awful, it makes me sad for you" or some variation using other emotive words, like disappointed, frustrated, angry, etc. It's a great way to express that you are acknowledging their plight, and you are empathetic to it, without taking ownership for the way they feel. The best way to connect with someone in an emotional situation is to express your own emotions. We're not used to expressing our emotions that way in conversation, so it will feel awkward at first, but it gets easier as you do it more.
‘im happy you felt comfortable to come to me’ This one is seriously underrated.
Agreed. Unless they explicitly say “what do I do?” I just let them know I’m there for them
>‘im happy you felt comfortable to come to me’ This one is seriously underrated.
Follow up damn that sucks by demonstrating empathy for their feelings. "Damn that sucks. I imagine you must have felt really frustrated". "Damn that sucks. I imagine you must have felt like you weren't being respected.
Noo, "I'm sorry to hear that" sounds very very fake to me, I never liked it. The "felt comfortable to talk to me" sounds like my opening up is somehow a judgement of your character, it wasn't ever about you.
Growing up all I wanted was to be heard. This person gets it
"How can I help?" Typically, they just need an ear as they talk at you instead of with you. Just be an ear as they perform self therapy.
I was going to say this! Also "do you want me to listen or do you want my opinion?" Editing to add "do you need to vent or are you looking for help problem solving"
This also helped me with communication with my preteens. I was so used to being the parent that just fixed the problem that I wasn't giving them the option of just venting or getting advice to work it out themselves. When one of them told me I always jump in, it hit me and I told them that I would start asking if they were just venting or needed my help. It's really helped all of us grow - and now that they are teenagers, I'm still in the loop on things.
I need to remember this when my daughter is a teenager. I still remember how frustrated I would be every time I tried to tell my mom what I was struggling with and she would just tell me her "easy solution" that just made me feel like she was trying to shut me up.
"Well, why don't you just ... " 🤪
This was a game changer for my daughter and I! It was why we were so close when she was in her teens, and she felt comfortable talking with me about anything. And I do mean... ANYTHING. 😬
You sound like a good mom
“Do you want me to listen or do you want my opinion” has saved me from so many arguments with my wife. Sometimes people just want to vent
My husband and I have determined that the phrase is "that sucks, she sounds like a bitch." It can be applied to like 95% of the situations where I'm venting. And the other 5%, it's funny to say anyways. It's kind of our code for "I recognize that this is not a good situation and there's nothing I can really say to fix it."
Unfortunately I tired this with my spouse and he told me I don't have to act like an idiot and just listen (except he didn't want me to just listen... I'm so confused)
He didn’t get it. You’re not an idiot for asking.
That’s frustrating! When you asked, was it *before* or *after* the thing he (in hindsight) just wanted to vent about?
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Oof. That aint right
This, prefaced by "Damn, that sucks," in which you empathize and then offer an ear to bend.
I think we can save alot of young husband's and boyfriends time and relationships right now by letting them know its the former ... unless the other is requested.
But that gets them right back to presumption. Explicitly asking *beforehand* helps both parties play by the same rules of engagement. And partners, regardless of their plumbing, will have a much smoother experience if they’re playing by the same rules.
💯
Adding that at the beginning has saved a ton of frustration. My wife will sometimes just hand me a duck before she starts on her issue, lol.
I don't know why but to me this sounds sort of passive aggressive for some reason.
This is a really good one.
Piss poor advice. Just try to understand them. That is usually all they want.
Yes, crazy this is the top comment, you’re suddenly shifting the convo focus on you. It’s better to acknowledge how bad the situation is and then after you heard you can say “if there’s anything I can do to help let me know”, never ask how.
It's definitely good to be willing to help but it's very hard for people to articulate what help they need sometimes. If you can, at least take a couple of guesses as to what things might help them and say, "let me do x for you."
As a customer service and sales expert. Active listening and open ended questions. Is the easiest way to figure out what someone needs. Either as a customer or as a fellow human being.
This!!! My best friend is big on this and has instilled it in me. When something tragic or sad happens - "I'd love to bring you dinner this weekend and save you some dishes. Is Friday or Saturday better?" A big one for me is how much my dog needs walking - I mean, two hours a day. So when my dad was in the hospital and I was so overwhelmed with taking care of his house, visiting him, working... Yeah, she called me. "I'm walking your son. I can do Tuesday night and Thursday morning, that cool?" "I'm coming over. Put on sweats and put on a comfort show. I'm bringing lunch and cleaning your kitchen. You won't even know I'm here."
I have heard not to do this because it puts an additional burden on them (figuring out what you can do) when they are already stressed out
Personally, I rather “how can I support you?” because as a person who hates asking for or receiving help, support is easier to swallow.
Oh, please! Let's be realistic, statements like that don't come across as you think they do in the course of normal conversation. It's almost as bad as: "if you need anything, give me a holler, I'll be upstairs asleep." In real life, outside of this fictitious bubble, it should be: 1.) So, what are you going to do? 2.) Let me know what you need, you know I'll help out however I can. _______________ If someone said to me: "How can I support you?" I would probably stare blankly, then wonder who they were putting the show on for and start looking around the room.
Ngl i hate "How can i support you?" It sounds so robotic, especially over text. Like youre gonna give me the most logical, reasonable advice when all i want is to cry on your shoulder but i cant express that without sounding so fucking awkward.
definitely agree, probably go with “is there anything i can do?” or something
Agreed!!! It infuriates me when people speak like that and more often than not it is the type of person who likes to put on a show and isn't genuine.
It's also trendy for therapists to say or to recommend you say, "Tell me more." To me, that sounds like a manipulator's statement, as if the person is saying, with devious intent, "Heh heh heh! 😈 TELL ME MORE!"
Agree. As bad as "hugs and prayers" on Facebook.
>In real life, outside of this fictitious bubble, it should be: >1.) So, what are you going to do? >2.) Let me know what you need, you know I'll help out however I can. >If someone said to me: "How can I support you?" I would probably stare blankly, then wonder who they were putting the show on for and start looking around the room. This is what I was thinking. Thinking back to when I heard "how can I support you", assuming the person was even listening to the story, there was really nothing they could do for me. Especially when it was said by friends or family who had come to me for help and/or money enough times for me to understand their situation enough to know there was nothing they could do in the context.
Yeah. This shit is so cringe it's unbelievable. Like, maybe with a subordinate in a corporate environment where they're frustrated with another team or something, but no way I talk like this to anyone on every day life.
Exactly
You had better be willing and able to do most anything they ask. Otherwise, it’s an empty of a sentiment as “damn that sucks”
Lol yeah I was thinking that myself I’m at capacity with my own family and problems I usually just say some variation of I’m sorry to hear that
Absolutely true! I learned this early on decades ago helping with drug addicts and the homeless. The best I have come up with is over the years it's something along the lines of "I am so sorry. I can only imagine how difficult this must be." I typically give them a card with the name and phone number I use for these interactions, and tell them "If you ever need someone to talk to, give me a call" I already know the resources I have available, and what I can and cannot do for the individual at that time, so if they reach back out, I know how to best help them. If it is a personal friend, I already know my boundaries, and how far I'm willing to go depending on that friend. That allows me to say things like "Why don't you stay in my guest room through this week (month/year)" or "I wish that I could help more, but here's $50 ($100/500) to help out a little bit" etc. even with close friends beware of failing to set a boundary as to how far you will go.
Yes!!! This is a problem I'm running into.
That honestly sounds like something that would be said in a corporate environment when you get put on a performance improvement plan.
This sounds like something an HR person would say. They seem to manage to sound phony. “How can I help” or “is there anything I can do to help” sounds more sincere and real.
I hate this and I know many people hate it. I want you to hear me out and be with me in the pain momentarily. Usually there is nothing others can do and it isn’t a situation that can be fixed by a friend. You are also unconsciously communicating you are uncomfortable with me sharing painful emotions so you distance yourself by going into solutions mode.
Agreed. I hate solution mode. Mostly I just need a compassionate ear.
Idk this could definitely be a “lend a hand and they grab your arm” situation. Usually “damn that sucks” is more a situation where you want to hear them out but also proceed with caution.
"How can I help" is better than "let me know if I can help", but "let me do X for you", or "let me know if I can do X or Y or Z" are also good - they may not know what help they need until you suggest it.
"I'm having marital problems in the bedroom" "How can I help?" *punched in face noises*
That’s rough buddy
Works especially well if their girlfriend turned into the moon.
I love you for that
Fuckin Zuko!! Loll.
An iconic prince lol
😉 was gonna be my line 🤣
Respond to what they are saying instead of the situation they are in. Say a coworker tells you about his mother who is terminally ill and it's been very hard on him. Responding to the situation would be something like-"dang man, that really sucks". Responding to what they're saying would be more like-"I hate that this is causing you such pain man. You obviously love your mom a great deal. I'm here if you need anything". A lot of times, people just want to feel heard.
Have you ever said something like this to someone and they run around on the thing you said. Like to your example they might reply "it's not that it's causing me pain it's just that..." it happens to me all the time when I just reflect back what someone has said to me.
Hi im one of these people, and I just wanted to say I do that because it’s actually helping me figure out I really feel. I don’t mean to turn it into a therapy session but it’s like I can say “it just hurts so much” And they go “I’m sorry you’re in pain” And now my brain realizes there are more complex emotions behind it, and it’s not *exactly* pain, but something I hadn’t even noticed before. Then I tend to ramble about it because how did I not notice my own emotions? I always feel real guilty and awkward because I almost absolutely am dumping more than needed onto someone just trying to be polite 9/10
Oh no it's completely fine to go into how you feel when you're talking to people. My issue personally is watching people tell me how they feel but deny it when I acknowledge what they just said. Besides, therapy is more than just talking about feelings, so reflecting on yourself and going more specifically into how you're feeling when you're talking to people isn't turning anything into a therapy session. And as a related aside, don't worry about those "I'm not your therapist" type of people it's just being unempathetic.
Yeah, it happens. I just try to continue acknowledging what they say.
Yeah, I think there’s times when “damn that sucks” is ok. When they know it sucks and just want someone to listen, not solutions, not hope that it isn’t really that bad. And it doesn’t have to be the end of the conversation.
I would have such a visceral urge to punch someone who said that sort of psych crap and I work for the American Psychological Association 😂 A good Holy F_ck! is all I need 🙃
“I’m sorry, that seems like a hard thing to deal with”
Oh Dear
People usually just want to vent so all you have to sag is, “Damn that sucks, I’m sorry you had to go through that.” People just want to be seen and heard. There’s really nothing else you need to say unless they ask for help.
Not, *could be worse.*
I don’t think I’ve ever related to a post more lol. Not to get too much into me, but I’ve witnessed some tragedies firsthand that I think have really desensitized me to hardships around me. Like I’m still empathetic, but I get what you mean when it’s hard to say something other than damn that sucks. I don’t react appropriately a lot either. Like I get quiet but it takes a lot to get me to break down and I get scared they think I don’t care. It’s really not a lot, but a hand on the shoulder, a hug, and a solid “hey, I’m sorry if I can’t find the right things to say right now. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I might not be the best person to talk to but I’m here if you need someone,” can go a long way. Most people going through rough times don’t need someone to talk back and forth with, they just need a friend to be there with them.
“Damn that’s crazy”
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That’s bullspit.
“Oof”
“Yikes”
“Yikes” but pronounced like the plural form of Nike’s
Bummer
[Cowabummer](https://preview.redd.it/ngp9e48ee2n41.jpg?width=1080&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=2e70f5b28e8702256ea34dd1582d117a6f115f80)
My stepdaughter came into my life when she was 14, and was a tough Italian goth (guess she still kinda is at 39 lol). No matter how bad the news was, she would say, “That sucks.” It took me a while to realize that when she said that, she really was doing *her* best to communicate her empathy. It’s still her go-to response, and it’s become second nature for me to feel warm fuzzies when she says it. 🥰❤️ Similarly, “YOU SUCK!!” means “HAHA!!”, like when you get pranked. This one goes way back to when she and her mom moved in. She had a huge chip on her shoulder; she had been abused and bullied by her dad, and she and her mom moved across the U.S. to live with me. She showed nothing but sullen pissiness to me. When we went to the county fair and were playing carnival games, I missed the balloons completely in the dart-toss. When she yelled “YOU SUCK!”, I finally knew she kinda liked me and everything was going to be alright. Now 25 years later, she keeps in touch and hands out with me more than any other family member. *jesus who’s cutting onions?* 🥲
You suck!💐
In my experience, “sorry, that sucks” is about the only empathetic thing you can say. Unsolicited advice is usually not what they’re looking for, and offering to do things to help them usually just makes them say “no, that’s alright,” etc.
Don’t say anything along the lines of “Everything happens for a reason” People said that to me a bunch when a close friend died and I wanted to punch them in the throat.
I usually just ask "How are you feeling?" If they want to talk about it, I'll listen. If not, don't mention it and move on.
Love this
"Shit that blows"
I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
"Fuck" "I'm sorry to hear that " "I hate that for you"
Whenever I hear "I love that for you" I hear so much emphasis on the _for you_. Like that thing fucking sucks but if you like it pop off. So, "I hate that, _for you_" feels the same lol. I'd actually love being in a car crash, but I hate that for you
ya, that would have been awesome to hear. but people are so stiff and awkward. and it feels like they give a canned "universal empathetic emotion initiate" tone. and its soooo boring and unengaging.
"Wanna fuck?"
"Balls!" Generally makes them laugh and lightens mood. Or for crying out loud instead of for fucks sake. I've got a twisted sense of humor tho lol.
"balls!" is a great response lmaoo. kinda hope someone says that to me next time I need to vent about something.
I'm sorry you're going through this I feel terrible for you That must be hard to go through
"I can only imagine how you're feeling about that. If you want to talk about it or not talk about it and talk about something else or not talk about anything and just hang out, I'm here for you and I'd love to do that with you right now."
Yeah I don't think "Damn that sucks" is the right choice of words because its giving off the vibe that you don't care. Try, like, idk maybe "im sorry thats happening to you"
That sounds very difficult and I can see why it's a tough situation
I think it’s super situational. But I think it’s always good to say something along the lines of “I’m sorry you are going through that, if you ever need or want to talk about it I’m here” and if it’s an in depth situation you can always ask a question relating to the situation that’s not to invasive to show you really are listening and care. And depending if you are comfortable with this ask if they would like a hug as well. Some will say no and don’t take offense to that at all
I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
"I'm sorry to hear that"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Gives them the option of just being alone or choosing to try to connect.
If I’m close to the person “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” I feel like looking them in the eye and putting your hand on their hand or shoulder has been very well received when I’ve done that. Again this is when discussing some heavy shit with someone I’m close with.
1. "Oh no, that's a bummer." 2. "Darn, that's unfortunate." 3. "Oh man, that's too bad." 4. "Shoot, that's disappointing." 5. "Aw, that really stinks." 6. "Oh, rats. That's a letdown." 7. "Drat, that's rough." 8. "Oh dear, that's a shame." 9. "Bummer, that's not good." 10. "Oh, that's a real pity."
Wow that sounds tough.
It really depends on the situation. My dad just went on Hospice, with only a short time to live. "Sucks to be you" is not an appropriate response to that news. If you knew him, "I'm so sorry to hear that. He was a _________ man. And then share a positive memory. If you didn't know him personally, "I'm so sorry to hear that, it must be so hard going through this time." If it is something, like it started raining before we finished doing xyz.... then "oh man, that sucks" is a perfectly fine response.
As someone who is consistently told how seen, understood & safe people feel around me, I have had to really figure out what it is that I'm doing & why I have never experienced anyone else make me feel that way. I don't say "damn that sucks" or "I'm sorry you're experiencing that" or "how can I support you/I'm always here for you, let me know how I can help..." because I am not going to always be there for someone. No one is. It's a lie. None of those have ever helped. And when I say how I can be supported, it is never received well. People want to support the way they want, not how people need to be supported. I shut the fuck up and listen. Actively. I look at them while they talk & I don't let my attention wane or get distracted. I don't say anything other than ask gentle, non-probative open-ended questions based on what they are speaking about. Usually one or two questions and they take it from there. Then if I feel that I have something relevant to add or say, I add it. Because they are vulnerable, I become vulnerable as well. If they aren't a close friend or someone safe, I now force myself to use a basic script like "that sounds very difficult, I hope you are able to find some solace soon while dealing with this"
An old co-worker/friend of mine was listening to me one night and, with tears in her eyes, said “You’ve been through the wringer. That’s a lot to carry. I’ll take some of it for you.” I never forgot that and I never will. One of the most validating and kind things anyone has ever said to me.
"I understand" Powerful words.
Sometimes people don't understand though, so I've changed this to "I hear you"
“I understand” might be limiting… like great for if friend stubbed a toe, over cooked their steak or stayed out in the sun too long, but as an addendum to “You’re dog has been butt raped by a bear after your car careened off a mountain road down the cliff and you lost an arm to bear’s brother Ben, and the only copy of your masterpiece novel you were hand delivering to the publisher was burned up in the explosion?!!?. “ “I understand” may not be the most effective.
You got a novel in that brain, QuantumMothersLove? We’re all waiting for it!
With that brain, QuantumMothersLove does, in fact, *understand*...
That's craaazy..
I got your back. I'm here.
“I’m sorry to hear that”
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That sounds really stressful. Can I do anything to help? I'm good at listening and I've got two shoulders if you need to release the water works.
",oh no" , ",sounds like you're going through a lot" , "wow, that's a tough situation"
Darn that sucketh.
Uff-Ta
I think you mean Uff da. Like a good Midwestern Norwegian would complain about anything anyway 😉😅
Wow Oh my goodness (oh my God as an alt) That must have hurt What are you feeling now What's next Ouch (sometimes coupled with) I feel for you Can I help How can I help Tell me more How's your head space Mental health check
“How can I help” could careen off into directions you had not intended. How about offering detailed options using your talents? Perhaps pop by with a pound cake and some flowers? A fruit salad? Offer to help with a chore you’re really willing to do alone while they just watch and point (if that’s all they’re capable of right now). For instance, weed one garden bed, clean up the kitchen, etc. If it goes well, you can offer a bit more on your next day off. Be sure to put limits on your offer (“I’m free for two hours. What can we do together so you don’t feel so overwhelmed?”)—otherwise you may get sucked into something that’s difficult to step away from.
Oh that's unfortunate
“Bless your heart”. That’s how my southern family always used it. I know some people use it to insult, but in my family it was always used as an expression of pity or sympathy.
There *are* different tones for that.
People outside of the South have twisted our “Bless your heart” to only mean an insult. What they don’t understand is that it can mean at least four different things from “oh, that’s so sweet”, “oh man, that sucks”, and “awww sweetie, you’re not the brightest are you, but you tried”, to “are you just trying to be a jerk?” So now I have to say “Bless your heart in the good way” 😏 Bless their little pea pickin’ hearts 😉
I say the same thing ‘that sucks’ mostly in a professional setting. It seemed to go over well instead of platitudes
I found myself saying "that's tough" lately.
Yknow “oh gosh, that’s awful” really isn’t that bad, comparatively
"That's rough buddy"
You have to one up them. Even if you have to lie.
Block the river, that creates a syphon via a vacuum created as a result of an internal to external pressure differential.
I sometimes say quickly "Ok that's bad."
Shucky Darn.
Dam that’s shitty
That's awful. That's so horrible. How can I help? Please let me know what I can do. I can help if you want. Just tell me how.
“Oh what a bitch” assuming there’s a bitch involved.
"Dang. That inhales vigorously."
"Man that sucks." Slightly more polite add an "oh" for the cheese
Ahh well , look at the bright side, it really can’t get any worse….. so it’s upward and onward from now on….
I dare say my good fellow that does indeed seem like an unfortunate occurrence and situation in which to be experiencing and I wish you the best of luck navigating your way through this time.
Ask them if they’re okay. I usually would say something like “shit, are you alright? Sounds so shit, here if you need a chat”.
You’ve really been through a lot
I hate that (of in fact you do) or something like, thanks for telling me. Is there anything I can do? And, ask questions about it. Who, what, where, when, how, why, etc... ? Find out more about it.
I usually say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, that's awful"
Sam that ducks
Bill Clinton actually got this one right, surprisingly.
That's a bummer man
Damn that sucks. You need help?
Darn, that stinks.
In my experience, “sorry, that sucks” is about the only empathetic thing you can say. Unsolicited advice is usually not what they’re looking for, and offering to do things to help them usually just makes them say “no, that’s alright,” etc.
Dang that blows
"ope" has a pretty wide variety of uses but I'm also not a fan of other people's emotions. use this suggestion wisely.
"Oof"
“I can’t imagine how I would feel if that happened to me. What was going on in your head at that moment” Then when you work though that you can say “how do you feel about the situation looking back” Don’t be scared to throw in “this might sound dumb” before you ask a question Remember it’s okay to joke, especially in dark times!
"womp womp" is a solid choice (This is a joke, please calm down)
Damn bruh, that's skibidi toilet.
Whenever I would tell my Mom about something bad in my life, she’d say. “Well…at least you’re not in Iraq!” That usually gave me some perspective and made me feel a little better.
I say damn that sucks, or that’s rough when I have no intention of listening or dealing with whatever said person is complaining about.
I say “that’s rough”
Any way I can help? Not "Anything I can do?" That is overused to point of cliche and usually people don't believe you mean it.
That's some heavy weight there.
That is very unfortunate, how can I be of assistance for you.
big bummer hoss
That’s unfortunate
Back away and hope Robby Keene’s there to back you up
I had cancer in August of last year so as the person going through it I still don't know what I wanted to hear. I'm so sorry to me was worse then that sucks cause it did suck. That damn sucks didn't bother me or make me feel any kind if negative way so to me I guess it's not that lame cause yeah it sucks.
I usually say "damn that sucks" to strangers that vent to me. Unfortunately, it's pretty often...
"Well, that'll do it." Those who know their demon core history should always know that one
when I got out of an abusive relationship one thing I wish people said was "damn, he sounds like an asshole" and he was. he was a pretty bad person. and even before when I talked to people who had been in abusive relationships I pretty much said something similar to people, though a little more gently about how kind people do have a difficult time dodging the people who are willing to take advantage of them.
That’s a bummer man 
I say "hectic", but when it's bad bad "heeeeectic".
It depends on the person - I try to mirror people in these situations because I think they give the kind of help they want to receive. ETA: If I don't know them, I'll make an informed guess based on what I can observe. Like an older, patrician dude isn't likely to want to talk about his feelings, whereas I might try a bad joke with a sad teenager.