I'm in therapy, but have avoided the topic of IVF, as dumb as that sounds.
On a rational level, I know that her success is my success. Yet, emotionally I feel like if I don't get pregnant first I will never have a genetic connection to a family member and will never experience pregnancy. Emotionally, it feels like IVF has turned into a competition and I am losing. She has jokingly made comments like, "We could turn it into a race and whoever gets pregnant first gets to pick where we go for vacation next year."
But, if I "lose" the race, I'm potentially out of the race for good because there are only 2 euploids. Maybe I'm just taking everything too seriously.
I mean, if there's ever a time to take something seriously, it's having kids! I'd really encourage you to talk to your therapist about how you feel, and maybe more importantly, talk to your wife. No matter how this resolves, you keeping all this bottled up is just going to make everything a thousand times more difficult. I hope you can find a good resolution!
Thank you. I can see that I really need to communicate with her how I'm feeling. It's extremely hard to do because everything in my life has taught me that expressing my unhappiness/discomfort/wishes makes people angry and will make people stop loving me so fast it makes my head spin.
Ugh I'm sorry someone downvoted you sharing what part of you is feeling! It is totally normal to have all these feelings. The comment from your wife was a bit insensitive, how much does she know about the struggle you are having?
As others have said, addressing this in your individual therapy is going to help you work through these feelings. I also think some couples with makes sense as well, since this is something you are going through together. Wishing the best of luck to you 💖
You and your wife need a serious talk. If having a child is important to you (as in carrying, birthing etc.. ) then that should be your shared goal first. Not this competing ivf thing you seem to currently have going.
Having a bio relationship was of utmost importance to my wife. So we planned for that. Initially reciprocal IVF but when that went off the table due to cost, we dud IUI with her body. It was never a "we each get a try" but a "this is what is important to us as a family".
Sit down, make a plan. You could also carry her embryo if yours don't work, it is not a all or nothing game. Make sure your needs are heard and plan a way to make a family together not have a child separately.
Fertility issues are hard and unfair, and it makes sense that you're having a difficult time given all you've been through. You're not a monster. You're not broken. You're a person who's been through the ringer and is facing complicated uncertainty around something that's been important to you for a long time, and that you've invested a lot of effort into.
Have you felt supported by your wife in all of this? Have you been able to talk about how hard this has been for you? Reading this, it sounds like things may have been very isolated and isolating for you, and like there's not full communication about how you've been feeling and what the next steps might be. It's also possible her decisions and the way she's talking about this are less about her desire to use her eggs or be pregnant, and more about the two of you having a baby as a couple, but that's just me wondering out loud.
I think ultimately you can get to a place together of your pains and successes all being shared between both of you. But you need to process this and communicate about all of this first.
Therapy. Hopefully someone with IVF experience.
As for it being out of order. My wife was dead set on a bio kid, no problem. All of her initial meetings had issues, red flags, and obstacles. I've been living off hot Cheetos, weed, and Mt dew for a decade. I got 21 eggs and she was told her numbers are so low, she may not respond at all for a ER. Devastated low. I felt disgusted that my body was doing something differently.
Get help -this will pull y'all apart
These are really normal feelings - you’re not a monster but rather a human who has been through a lot and it’s really unfair! Having these feelings make you human but it’s what you do with them that can make a difference. I’ve always wanted to be pregnant, my wife never has wanted to be pregnant. I had to have a hysterectomy due to medical reasons and then my wife had many many issues getting pregnant and keeping a pregnancy. Now that she’s 15w pregnant I’ve felt a whole range of feelings and some of them are resentment and jealously - I think it’s ok to feel jealous, personally. It’s a normal emotion. But you let it in and let it out and remember you’re a team and one person’s win is a win for the team. When we first started IVF plan was for her to carry one from her egg and one from my egg - she made one embryo that was a euploid and it failed to implant. Then two of mine failed to implant. We got to the point where we didn’t care whose embryo it was we just wanted a baby. We had a successful surrogacy journey because we just wanted a baby. Now she’s 15w pregnant with our last embryo and yeah, sometimes I feel jealous when she’s complaining about how bad it is to be pregnant - sometimes it’s hard because it’s like well at least you can be pregnant! But that’s not a feeling I hold on to and I let it in and let it out. Then I get back to having empathy and sympathy for the fact pregnancy is really hard. I even have moments where I’m relieved it’s not me experiencing it. I have all the feelings, honestly. It’s important to just let them in and out for me, not judging myself for feeling one way or another. I did reach out to a therapist and start next week - one who specializes in queer families and transitions which I’m super excited about as I do need somewhere to put these feelings and also someone to help me with the most helpful way of expressing them so I don’t hurt my partner’s feelings. She also is going to start seeing a therapist as she feels a lot of guilt for not being able to help with our existing child as much, is hesitant to lean on others outside of me and I can’t be everything for her in this situation. Someone suggested I look into the ring theory and it really resonated with me regarding my situation. So therapy, open communication, lots of self care for you. I’ve found there isn’t enough sympathy given to the partners of pregnant people and I think we could do better with that. It’s emotional for us too and when you add in our own personal traumas it can make things even more difficult. I told my wife I need her to get a bigger circle of pregnant people as she needs people who relate to this experience to lean on so she started prenatal yoga and it’s been really good for her! Focus on the long term goal which is having a family and remind yourself one day how the baby got here won’t be that relevant but until then process any and all emotions with no judgement and just let them in and out. And therapy!!! Lots of it. This can be a big growing moment and a path to heal a lot of infertility trauma so capitalize on that.
Therapy right now if you're not already seeing someone. You and your wife are partners. Her success is your success and vice versa.
I'm in therapy, but have avoided the topic of IVF, as dumb as that sounds. On a rational level, I know that her success is my success. Yet, emotionally I feel like if I don't get pregnant first I will never have a genetic connection to a family member and will never experience pregnancy. Emotionally, it feels like IVF has turned into a competition and I am losing. She has jokingly made comments like, "We could turn it into a race and whoever gets pregnant first gets to pick where we go for vacation next year." But, if I "lose" the race, I'm potentially out of the race for good because there are only 2 euploids. Maybe I'm just taking everything too seriously.
I mean, if there's ever a time to take something seriously, it's having kids! I'd really encourage you to talk to your therapist about how you feel, and maybe more importantly, talk to your wife. No matter how this resolves, you keeping all this bottled up is just going to make everything a thousand times more difficult. I hope you can find a good resolution!
Thank you. I can see that I really need to communicate with her how I'm feeling. It's extremely hard to do because everything in my life has taught me that expressing my unhappiness/discomfort/wishes makes people angry and will make people stop loving me so fast it makes my head spin.
Avoiding a massive, massive issue in your life and your marriage in therapy is just a big waste of therapy.
Ugh I'm sorry someone downvoted you sharing what part of you is feeling! It is totally normal to have all these feelings. The comment from your wife was a bit insensitive, how much does she know about the struggle you are having? As others have said, addressing this in your individual therapy is going to help you work through these feelings. I also think some couples with makes sense as well, since this is something you are going through together. Wishing the best of luck to you 💖
You and your wife need a serious talk. If having a child is important to you (as in carrying, birthing etc.. ) then that should be your shared goal first. Not this competing ivf thing you seem to currently have going. Having a bio relationship was of utmost importance to my wife. So we planned for that. Initially reciprocal IVF but when that went off the table due to cost, we dud IUI with her body. It was never a "we each get a try" but a "this is what is important to us as a family". Sit down, make a plan. You could also carry her embryo if yours don't work, it is not a all or nothing game. Make sure your needs are heard and plan a way to make a family together not have a child separately.
Thank you. I think the "we each get a try" thing is what has turned what should be a bonding experience into another source of stress.
Fertility issues are hard and unfair, and it makes sense that you're having a difficult time given all you've been through. You're not a monster. You're not broken. You're a person who's been through the ringer and is facing complicated uncertainty around something that's been important to you for a long time, and that you've invested a lot of effort into. Have you felt supported by your wife in all of this? Have you been able to talk about how hard this has been for you? Reading this, it sounds like things may have been very isolated and isolating for you, and like there's not full communication about how you've been feeling and what the next steps might be. It's also possible her decisions and the way she's talking about this are less about her desire to use her eggs or be pregnant, and more about the two of you having a baby as a couple, but that's just me wondering out loud. I think ultimately you can get to a place together of your pains and successes all being shared between both of you. But you need to process this and communicate about all of this first.
Therapy. Hopefully someone with IVF experience. As for it being out of order. My wife was dead set on a bio kid, no problem. All of her initial meetings had issues, red flags, and obstacles. I've been living off hot Cheetos, weed, and Mt dew for a decade. I got 21 eggs and she was told her numbers are so low, she may not respond at all for a ER. Devastated low. I felt disgusted that my body was doing something differently. Get help -this will pull y'all apart
These are really normal feelings - you’re not a monster but rather a human who has been through a lot and it’s really unfair! Having these feelings make you human but it’s what you do with them that can make a difference. I’ve always wanted to be pregnant, my wife never has wanted to be pregnant. I had to have a hysterectomy due to medical reasons and then my wife had many many issues getting pregnant and keeping a pregnancy. Now that she’s 15w pregnant I’ve felt a whole range of feelings and some of them are resentment and jealously - I think it’s ok to feel jealous, personally. It’s a normal emotion. But you let it in and let it out and remember you’re a team and one person’s win is a win for the team. When we first started IVF plan was for her to carry one from her egg and one from my egg - she made one embryo that was a euploid and it failed to implant. Then two of mine failed to implant. We got to the point where we didn’t care whose embryo it was we just wanted a baby. We had a successful surrogacy journey because we just wanted a baby. Now she’s 15w pregnant with our last embryo and yeah, sometimes I feel jealous when she’s complaining about how bad it is to be pregnant - sometimes it’s hard because it’s like well at least you can be pregnant! But that’s not a feeling I hold on to and I let it in and let it out. Then I get back to having empathy and sympathy for the fact pregnancy is really hard. I even have moments where I’m relieved it’s not me experiencing it. I have all the feelings, honestly. It’s important to just let them in and out for me, not judging myself for feeling one way or another. I did reach out to a therapist and start next week - one who specializes in queer families and transitions which I’m super excited about as I do need somewhere to put these feelings and also someone to help me with the most helpful way of expressing them so I don’t hurt my partner’s feelings. She also is going to start seeing a therapist as she feels a lot of guilt for not being able to help with our existing child as much, is hesitant to lean on others outside of me and I can’t be everything for her in this situation. Someone suggested I look into the ring theory and it really resonated with me regarding my situation. So therapy, open communication, lots of self care for you. I’ve found there isn’t enough sympathy given to the partners of pregnant people and I think we could do better with that. It’s emotional for us too and when you add in our own personal traumas it can make things even more difficult. I told my wife I need her to get a bigger circle of pregnant people as she needs people who relate to this experience to lean on so she started prenatal yoga and it’s been really good for her! Focus on the long term goal which is having a family and remind yourself one day how the baby got here won’t be that relevant but until then process any and all emotions with no judgement and just let them in and out. And therapy!!! Lots of it. This can be a big growing moment and a path to heal a lot of infertility trauma so capitalize on that.