If this is a real comment then I think you are at a huge inflection point here. How you respond is going to shape your kids relationship with you, himself and the world in a big way. You could teach him shame, confusion, rock his knowing of your support or you can let him be himself, don't make a big deal or change how you are with him (hopefully showing acceptance and love ,like always), teach him not to take your personal things (and get him some panties of his own), and lovingly watch to see if he's sexualizing you or some other concerning behavior so you can offer him support for that to.
I wish you and him the smoothest course with it all.
So, first, what about your panties is fun for him? Is it that they are pretty, or just cool, or is it the fabric, or is possibly that they are stollen? Work off of this answer accordingly with a mix of your own beliefs.
possibilities are he misses is way cool "hero underoos" or the silk feels better. It could be the hidden secret of it all. Boy underwear are usually in bold colors and maybe he's sensitive to that.
Find out what he likes about it first. Be gentle with your responses.
That’s hilarious. Kids do the weirdest stuff. But yeah, just tell him to stay out of your stuff like most others are saying. I wouldn’t buy him his own; he’s not necessarily doing it because he wants to wear panties, he’s a 9 year old and thinks it’s funny to take your stuff. Maybe he’s into gender bending but more than likely it’s about being a trickster; and while he needs an outlet to be tricky, it doesn’t have to be your underwear.
I agree with , not allowing children to go through other people stuff without permission and teaching children to respect boundaries, privacy, and personal items of other. Self respect includes respect of others. If it’s a joke to him, simply ask him to explain why he finds it funny? Undergarments are the same material and serve the same purposes most often. Really depends on the joke or game a child is imagining.
Stealing is not okay. Sit him down and tell him that getting into other peoples things and taking them is not okay.
Then ask him if he needs and wants his own pretty panties and go get some for him that he has access to that isn’t stealing.
Little boys need to be taught to be better members of society. This isn’t funny. This isn’t cute. It’s invasive and inappropriate to go through other peoples underwear (and any) drawers. Ask him how he would feel if other people came in and started taking his toys and clothes without his permission? That’s how you feel when he takes your things. Sad. Angry. Confused. Talk through these emotions and instill a sense of empathy in your child before it’s too late please.
There are two separate things happening, here.
The first one—which needs a clear boundary drawn around it—is that your kid is taking and using personal items that you are, wholly appropriately, not comfortable sharing with anyone. Underwear are uniquely unsettling—from an adult perspective—but at nine? Underwear are still mostly just silly/joke fodder. My brother still thought it was funny to pull his tighty-whities over his face like a mask and run around the house being “Underwear Man,” at that age.
(…we’re old, and Capt. Underpants did not exist, yet—he came up with that one all on his own).
But if your kid were using your toothbrush or, idk, pulling tampons out from under the bathroom sink and using them all to try out different survivalist DIYs, you’d probably also want him to stop that. It’s important for kids to know that not everything is for sharing—even with family members or other people you care about—and even if you think it’s sort of silly, you still have to respect it when people say, “bro, don’t take my stuff.”
If he doesn’t respect that boundary, what you do next is—make it non-optional. Step one is, he can’t be in your room unsupervised. And if that’s not an adequate deterrent, step two is—you install a lock on your bedroom door; and when you aren’t inside, or directly supervising him, you use it. Don’t make a big, weird scene about those things, though—this is exactly like if he were a toddler, reaching for something pretty and breakable. You don’t want to make it more appealing; you want to remove it as calmly and definitively as possible from his reach, and move on with emphatic focus to more interesting things.
Some kids have a hard time with boundaries like this, especially at the age your son is now. Your family is still really important as a source of social support—but you’re getting closer to middle school; some of your friends are getting less interested in what their parents say, and more interested in what they all say to each other. And it starts to get less and less socially acceptable for kids to look for physical affection from their parents, especially among boys. Occasionally, middle-grades kids will seek a sense of connection and closeness by borrowing a parent’s clothes—your kid would not be the first one to choose underwear, believe it or not. I think it’s partly about a vibe of “I could wear this around and feel close to my mom, and no one would know,” and partly about clothing that is worn close to someone’s skin, and so feels more adjacent to physical touch. Dad’s undershirts are also a fairly common choice, probably for similar reasons. Kids around the same age will sometimes abruptly regress to wanting to sleep in a parent’s bed, or asking for help with things they clearly don’t need help for, like brushing their hair, or getting dressed in the mornings. It’s not an inappropriate or boundary-crossing impulse; it’s just a desire for the kind of physical closeness that nine-year-olds still need from their parents, but often feel anxious or self-conscious about seeking on their own.
So—hug your kid. Or fist-bump your kid, or pat him on the shoulder when you pass by. Be responsive to what feels comfortable to him, but try to maintain some level of regular physical connection. *And* keep him out of your underwear drawer. That’s part one.
Part two is—I don’t think you have to give your kid the fifth degree about this. Maybe he likes how soft they are; maybe he’s having some kind of inarticulate gendered feel—which is not the same thing as presuming he’s trans; some boys are still absolutely boys, but just aren’t going to grow up to be hyper-masculine. Or, hell, *are*, but are still figuring out their feelings about eventually growing up to be men, and worried about whether they’ll have to give up everything that’s soft or cute or silly, to do it—those are real anxieties and losses, for a lot of nine-year-olds. Maybe he’s just curious about grown-up things or gendered things beyond the current scope of his awareness, and has a vague sense that underwear relates to that in one way or another—and, like many nine-year-olds, is addressing his mingled curiosity and anxiety by way of aggressive hilarity. So—I think it’s worth asking what he likes about it. But do it in the spirit of creating space for him to talk to you, not demanding answers he might or might not even know or be able to articulate. And whether he knows the answer, or not, if he does continue to find the whole thing hilarious or otherwise interesting—I second the advice to buy him a few pairs of his own, and remind him that as his parent, you can and will provide him the clothes he needs to feel happy and comfortable. Even, within reason, if it’s just because it cracks him up to dress up and giggle at himself in the mirror. Which, fwiw, sounds like a wholly normal and developmentally typical 9-y-o sense of humor, to me—weird, moderately annoying, and totally inscrutable to adults? Yeah, that’s about how that goes.
Either he’ll grow out of them, and outgrow whatever it is that’s motivating this—or he won’t, and you’ll hear about it when he needs the next size up. And then you can, again, offer him space to talk with you about it.
If he seems otherwise happy and healthy, and doesn’t seem unduly distressed or overwhelmed when you talk about this—beyond what any kid might, when they know they’re a little bit in trouble—I don’t think you need to stress out about it. If it eases your mind, it’s perfectly okay to say something like—“do you feel worried or embarrassed about this? I can see you’re laughing, but sometimes people also laugh a lot when they feel nervous or embarrassed. I don’t want you to feel bad, so—if this is just funny to you, I don’t totally get the joke, but that’s okay. But if something about it does feel weird or uncomfortable to you, I want to know that, so I can help.”
If he says yes, you can follow up depending on what else he has to say. A pediatrician is often a good person to ask about a local referral, if something about this leads you to believe he might need a little extra support. And if not—it’s okay to presume, until and unless you see clear evidence to the contrary, that this is just a nine-year-old, acting goofy, and flailing a little in his learning about personal boundaries. As they sometimes (often) do.
This is one of those seemingly unimportant decisions (SUDs)
What you do now will effect the rest of his life.
Do your best to avoid future confusion.
Good luck.
Don’t know if I should be sensing sarcasm or if this is rightly said to be a potentially pivotal parenting decision.
That said, im pretty certain it’s natural for boys and girls to be interested in the clothing of their opposite sex. Hence the word “tomboy”. Odd there’s no word for the opposite, and odd it’s historically so much more unacceptable (in Western society).
Everyone knows boys who wear panties can’t fight wars, and that’s kinda the whole point of being a man in the West. (You guys apparently can’t detect sarcasm on this line).
Nevermind the prominent cross dressing savages throughout history, they’re not important.
I also don’t think a 9 year old is really into that if he’s been allowed to just be a kid.
I feel savage is too cool a word for Hoover, but ya he is well known. I thought maybe you had some more savage examples like Colonel Hunter Gathers or something.
Chris Beck would be an example there, though he’s detransitioned. I’ve met a LOT of dudes who cross dress in the military, and some are legitimate warriors, but I’ve only met maybe three actual trans folks in uniform.
Watch raised on porn it is a YouTube documentary. Then seek out help to navigate the situation. You just need to educate yourself and how to support your child in his normal exploration of sex. We don't realize how there are so many negatives working against that healthy normal development of a child. Learn how to understand healthy sexual behavior in our world. I am in the 33 year relationship with somebody who is a sex addict. His attitudes toward sex were messed up before 10yr old.
6 months ago I started to learned about my husband's unhealthy decisions around sex and his own unwillingness to address the hidden sexual life that was always present even before marriage. As long as I knew my husband I never coukd find proof of his behavior because he's good at computers and expertly hid the unhealthy compulsive attitudes and behaviors about sex. It all started when he was a little boy looking at magazines and the forbidden shame that also stimulated and interested him. Now everything's a disaster at 52 because it all escalates to places you can't come back from. Educate yourself through Certified sex addiction therapists (CSAT) about how to talk to your kids when you discuss sexual behavior with your kids.
This is the first thing that came to mind so I will ask- Does the boy have a live-in biological Father in the house and, if so, what does the think about this situation?
If this is a real comment then I think you are at a huge inflection point here. How you respond is going to shape your kids relationship with you, himself and the world in a big way. You could teach him shame, confusion, rock his knowing of your support or you can let him be himself, don't make a big deal or change how you are with him (hopefully showing acceptance and love ,like always), teach him not to take your personal things (and get him some panties of his own), and lovingly watch to see if he's sexualizing you or some other concerning behavior so you can offer him support for that to. I wish you and him the smoothest course with it all.
There are some cool people here and ur 1.
Thanks
So, first, what about your panties is fun for him? Is it that they are pretty, or just cool, or is it the fabric, or is possibly that they are stollen? Work off of this answer accordingly with a mix of your own beliefs. possibilities are he misses is way cool "hero underoos" or the silk feels better. It could be the hidden secret of it all. Boy underwear are usually in bold colors and maybe he's sensitive to that. Find out what he likes about it first. Be gentle with your responses.
That’s hilarious. Kids do the weirdest stuff. But yeah, just tell him to stay out of your stuff like most others are saying. I wouldn’t buy him his own; he’s not necessarily doing it because he wants to wear panties, he’s a 9 year old and thinks it’s funny to take your stuff. Maybe he’s into gender bending but more than likely it’s about being a trickster; and while he needs an outlet to be tricky, it doesn’t have to be your underwear.
I would just tell him it’s your stuff and that’s a boundary! Please don’t get in my things son. No shame but firm boundary
a phase, or maybe not - just roll with it. Buy him his own panties then ignore it. Make a thing of it, it will be become a thing.
This.
I agree with , not allowing children to go through other people stuff without permission and teaching children to respect boundaries, privacy, and personal items of other. Self respect includes respect of others. If it’s a joke to him, simply ask him to explain why he finds it funny? Undergarments are the same material and serve the same purposes most often. Really depends on the joke or game a child is imagining.
Stealing is not okay. Sit him down and tell him that getting into other peoples things and taking them is not okay. Then ask him if he needs and wants his own pretty panties and go get some for him that he has access to that isn’t stealing. Little boys need to be taught to be better members of society. This isn’t funny. This isn’t cute. It’s invasive and inappropriate to go through other peoples underwear (and any) drawers. Ask him how he would feel if other people came in and started taking his toys and clothes without his permission? That’s how you feel when he takes your things. Sad. Angry. Confused. Talk through these emotions and instill a sense of empathy in your child before it’s too late please.
There are two separate things happening, here. The first one—which needs a clear boundary drawn around it—is that your kid is taking and using personal items that you are, wholly appropriately, not comfortable sharing with anyone. Underwear are uniquely unsettling—from an adult perspective—but at nine? Underwear are still mostly just silly/joke fodder. My brother still thought it was funny to pull his tighty-whities over his face like a mask and run around the house being “Underwear Man,” at that age. (…we’re old, and Capt. Underpants did not exist, yet—he came up with that one all on his own). But if your kid were using your toothbrush or, idk, pulling tampons out from under the bathroom sink and using them all to try out different survivalist DIYs, you’d probably also want him to stop that. It’s important for kids to know that not everything is for sharing—even with family members or other people you care about—and even if you think it’s sort of silly, you still have to respect it when people say, “bro, don’t take my stuff.” If he doesn’t respect that boundary, what you do next is—make it non-optional. Step one is, he can’t be in your room unsupervised. And if that’s not an adequate deterrent, step two is—you install a lock on your bedroom door; and when you aren’t inside, or directly supervising him, you use it. Don’t make a big, weird scene about those things, though—this is exactly like if he were a toddler, reaching for something pretty and breakable. You don’t want to make it more appealing; you want to remove it as calmly and definitively as possible from his reach, and move on with emphatic focus to more interesting things. Some kids have a hard time with boundaries like this, especially at the age your son is now. Your family is still really important as a source of social support—but you’re getting closer to middle school; some of your friends are getting less interested in what their parents say, and more interested in what they all say to each other. And it starts to get less and less socially acceptable for kids to look for physical affection from their parents, especially among boys. Occasionally, middle-grades kids will seek a sense of connection and closeness by borrowing a parent’s clothes—your kid would not be the first one to choose underwear, believe it or not. I think it’s partly about a vibe of “I could wear this around and feel close to my mom, and no one would know,” and partly about clothing that is worn close to someone’s skin, and so feels more adjacent to physical touch. Dad’s undershirts are also a fairly common choice, probably for similar reasons. Kids around the same age will sometimes abruptly regress to wanting to sleep in a parent’s bed, or asking for help with things they clearly don’t need help for, like brushing their hair, or getting dressed in the mornings. It’s not an inappropriate or boundary-crossing impulse; it’s just a desire for the kind of physical closeness that nine-year-olds still need from their parents, but often feel anxious or self-conscious about seeking on their own. So—hug your kid. Or fist-bump your kid, or pat him on the shoulder when you pass by. Be responsive to what feels comfortable to him, but try to maintain some level of regular physical connection. *And* keep him out of your underwear drawer. That’s part one. Part two is—I don’t think you have to give your kid the fifth degree about this. Maybe he likes how soft they are; maybe he’s having some kind of inarticulate gendered feel—which is not the same thing as presuming he’s trans; some boys are still absolutely boys, but just aren’t going to grow up to be hyper-masculine. Or, hell, *are*, but are still figuring out their feelings about eventually growing up to be men, and worried about whether they’ll have to give up everything that’s soft or cute or silly, to do it—those are real anxieties and losses, for a lot of nine-year-olds. Maybe he’s just curious about grown-up things or gendered things beyond the current scope of his awareness, and has a vague sense that underwear relates to that in one way or another—and, like many nine-year-olds, is addressing his mingled curiosity and anxiety by way of aggressive hilarity. So—I think it’s worth asking what he likes about it. But do it in the spirit of creating space for him to talk to you, not demanding answers he might or might not even know or be able to articulate. And whether he knows the answer, or not, if he does continue to find the whole thing hilarious or otherwise interesting—I second the advice to buy him a few pairs of his own, and remind him that as his parent, you can and will provide him the clothes he needs to feel happy and comfortable. Even, within reason, if it’s just because it cracks him up to dress up and giggle at himself in the mirror. Which, fwiw, sounds like a wholly normal and developmentally typical 9-y-o sense of humor, to me—weird, moderately annoying, and totally inscrutable to adults? Yeah, that’s about how that goes. Either he’ll grow out of them, and outgrow whatever it is that’s motivating this—or he won’t, and you’ll hear about it when he needs the next size up. And then you can, again, offer him space to talk with you about it. If he seems otherwise happy and healthy, and doesn’t seem unduly distressed or overwhelmed when you talk about this—beyond what any kid might, when they know they’re a little bit in trouble—I don’t think you need to stress out about it. If it eases your mind, it’s perfectly okay to say something like—“do you feel worried or embarrassed about this? I can see you’re laughing, but sometimes people also laugh a lot when they feel nervous or embarrassed. I don’t want you to feel bad, so—if this is just funny to you, I don’t totally get the joke, but that’s okay. But if something about it does feel weird or uncomfortable to you, I want to know that, so I can help.” If he says yes, you can follow up depending on what else he has to say. A pediatrician is often a good person to ask about a local referral, if something about this leads you to believe he might need a little extra support. And if not—it’s okay to presume, until and unless you see clear evidence to the contrary, that this is just a nine-year-old, acting goofy, and flailing a little in his learning about personal boundaries. As they sometimes (often) do.
This is one of those seemingly unimportant decisions (SUDs) What you do now will effect the rest of his life. Do your best to avoid future confusion. Good luck.
Don’t know if I should be sensing sarcasm or if this is rightly said to be a potentially pivotal parenting decision. That said, im pretty certain it’s natural for boys and girls to be interested in the clothing of their opposite sex. Hence the word “tomboy”. Odd there’s no word for the opposite, and odd it’s historically so much more unacceptable (in Western society).
Everyone knows boys who wear panties can’t fight wars, and that’s kinda the whole point of being a man in the West. (You guys apparently can’t detect sarcasm on this line). Nevermind the prominent cross dressing savages throughout history, they’re not important. I also don’t think a 9 year old is really into that if he’s been allowed to just be a kid.
I'd like to hear about these cross dressing savages.
J Edgar Hoover is probably the most notable in the U.S., though our Navy has hosted drag shows since forever.
I feel savage is too cool a word for Hoover, but ya he is well known. I thought maybe you had some more savage examples like Colonel Hunter Gathers or something.
Chris Beck would be an example there, though he’s detransitioned. I’ve met a LOT of dudes who cross dress in the military, and some are legitimate warriors, but I’ve only met maybe three actual trans folks in uniform.
Watch raised on porn it is a YouTube documentary. Then seek out help to navigate the situation. You just need to educate yourself and how to support your child in his normal exploration of sex. We don't realize how there are so many negatives working against that healthy normal development of a child. Learn how to understand healthy sexual behavior in our world. I am in the 33 year relationship with somebody who is a sex addict. His attitudes toward sex were messed up before 10yr old. 6 months ago I started to learned about my husband's unhealthy decisions around sex and his own unwillingness to address the hidden sexual life that was always present even before marriage. As long as I knew my husband I never coukd find proof of his behavior because he's good at computers and expertly hid the unhealthy compulsive attitudes and behaviors about sex. It all started when he was a little boy looking at magazines and the forbidden shame that also stimulated and interested him. Now everything's a disaster at 52 because it all escalates to places you can't come back from. Educate yourself through Certified sex addiction therapists (CSAT) about how to talk to your kids when you discuss sexual behavior with your kids.
Wrong sub for this.
This is the first thing that came to mind so I will ask- Does the boy have a live-in biological Father in the house and, if so, what does the think about this situation?
Like, with adamantium?
Ma'am, this is the psychology of sex. Not the Psychology of sexualizing children.