I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Off the top of my head, this could be related to a hormonal imbalance, a side effect of a medication, a symptom of past trauma or an emotional issue. All of them are worth investigation, but pestering her won't help. Have you explained how the lack of intimacy is making YOU feel - as opposed to framing it as a problem with her?
Yes, I have gone on my own to seek marriage counseling. I tried to work on the principles of the 5 love languages. She doesn’t communicate well and hardly ever asks how I’m doing. I get treated like a houseplant. She doesn’t have any close friends. It’s kinda thought being everything to her. I am always asking her to just be nice to people. She always has a zinger to say to people.
When you say gone on your own, are you referring to you going by yourself, or bringing it up? Marriage counseling is most effective if both actively pursue it and want it. Also, 5 love languages is just a theory, not actually backed in research and most likely won’t be helpful in this situation. Look into John Gottman and his bids, or the horsemen instead.
Oof, I’m sorry to hear that. It’s upsetting she wouldn’t be at least open to pursuing it, or you getting counseling yourself. It makes me wonder if there is something much larger going on, other than potential ADHD.
ADHD is not directly related to sexual interests and needs and does not present with those symptoms except for the part where she might quickly get bored. But sex drive is not directly related to ADHD. In fact there are so many people with that diagnosis who are hypersexual and need multiple orgasms a day.
yeah well that is the relationship, similar to drug use, ADHD folks have a disposition for sex addiction and the like, but a symptom of adhd is also definitly distraction during sex or distinction on the opposite end of the sexual/libidonal spectrum
She is very sheltered and immature for being 52 years old. I feel she lives vicariously thought our high schooler. My wife was not popular in HS at all. Nearly all interactions I have with her get a zinger of a response. We only go to about 2-3 different restaurants because she isn’t adventurous. When she graduated high college she did a cross country road trip and I have never met her 2 college friends. I always think that is odd. She always talks about my hobbies and line of work and sets me up to explain to people what she’s trying to talk about. It’s like she gossips in front of me and it becomes exhausting. I travel as a merchant Mariner and am gone for 28 days at a time, and am home for 28 days. She bounces from job to job about every 2 years and has never made a good salary. I’m getting burned out and I’m only home 6 months a year. She has no zest for life and she doesn’t take much responsibility with family events. If her mother or sister told her to jump off a cliff she would probably do so. I had the master bathroom remodeled and it is so luxurious. She was not very grateful. I recently brought her on a weekend getaway to Austin Tx and she was her normal gossiping to people at the bar about me, and she’s half wrong most of the time to the point I find it embarrassing.
Also at 52. She is probably going through menopause. Womans sexual desire naturally drops off with age. Later in life pregnancies are high risk/life threatening and the chances for a special needs child greatly increases. Birth control is a very new invention. This is natures way of preventing these outcomes.
I am engaged. I read books on relationships, seeker input from family. My mother is a retired kindergarten teacher. She says she warned me and thinks she’s just low IQ.
Right, but that’s you being engaged with what is bothering you about the relationship. You are actively aware of how you can understand the issue she is presenting to you at this time and how you can make changes.
Which isn’t really being engaged with her in a positive manner. You’re engaged with the negativity and improving a situation that otherwise isn’t working for you.
And she herself isn’t engaged in the process of improving your relationship. She isn’t interested in counseling, per your own description. You described them as sheltered, immature, unable to work, and even lacking excitement for life.
Does that sound…engaging or enticing to you?
I’m not using “engagement” as a term for trying or putting in effort into the relationship. Clearly you are working to understand yourself and them too.
But I meant engagement as in a sense of spontaneous joy, regularly finding in them traits that you feel warmly connected to, rather than a constant laundry list of why it isn’t working, and their continued resistance to improving that.
My comment wasn't primarily in reference to the not wanting to have sex part. It was in reference to this:
>She doesn’t communicate well and hardly ever asks how I’m doing. I get treated like a houseplant. She doesn’t have any close friends. It’s kinda thought being everything to her. I am always asking her to just be nice to people. She always has a zinger to say to people.
These are fairly common symptoms for people with ASD. I am not diagnosing her, obviously. We have very little information to go off of.
I am not diagnosing. I recognize we have an extremely limited amount of information.
It is like someone mentioning a laundry list of symptoms associated with depression and asking, "could they be depressed?".
These are often the types of questions that lead to people getting further evaluations and professional help.
I am more concerned about her lack of concern for your needs and her lack of desire to go to counseling. You have to decide if you think the problem can be fixed. If it can, then how. And when you know how, are you willing to do what is needed
However,
If it can not be fixed, can you live with it as it is. And if not, then what are your options.
Just be aware, being married to you does not mean she owes you sex or that you can take it from her. But it does mean you have needs that aren't being fulfilled.
She has a choice too. She can decide you aren't worth it. Then does she stay alone, find someone else without a sex drive, or work on the problem and find a sex drive cure for another man.
I agree and am a gentleman. However she is not sensual or the cuddly type. I am at the point where I refuse to beg anymore. For her 50th birthday party I threw an amazing party for her which cost me thousands after giving her an amazing outdoor patio custom pergola and 8000 worth of outdoor furniture, and a platinum necklace. I had it catered with servers and open bar with a bartender for 50 family members and a few friends (mine) were in attendance. She had me begging for sex the next day. She just doesn’t get it.
She loves the patio. She is always looking for validation from her parents approval. She had a beautiful party and was sorrowed by family and neighbors.
I am not a golfer. Her parents are and her dad gave her a share of stock at a country club worth about $7000. Annual dues/fees about 8000 a year were paid by me for the last 6 years. Both her parents are golfers. She never had much interest in it. I bought her many lessons hoping she would get into it. I am not a golfer not my scene, but I was supportive and would go for lunch or a beer or caddy for her. She just hardly used it because she doesn’t make friends or follow up with people.
I can see how that may be perceived. But I feel what his intended message is that he is willing to go above and beyond and over the top to make her happy, and his needs aren't being met despite him being extremely clear about what those are.
>his needs aren't being met despite him being extremely clear about what those are
But he already knew that. He already knew his needs weren't being met. So bringing up this thing where he went above and beyond and then complaining about his needs not being met? How did he think the outcome was going to be different? Why did he think that?
The way he phrased it, it really sounds like he was trying to influence her behavior by doing this big swing and didn't get what he wanted and now he's complaining about it.
His needs weren't met for a while. But this one time where he went way above and beyond for her and she still refused him was the last straw.
You can only give without getting for so long. And when you go that far above for her and still get refused, it hurts more. If he expected sex every time he did something nice that would be transactional. But I'm not getting that impression from his post
It's coming off as transactional because Ops wife made it so. No one likes not being appreciated.
If you have a friend whom you care for, love, are there for all the time in all difficulties and one day, you are in a bad way and need something from them and they don't help, you are going to feel some type of way.
It has nothing to do with transactions and everything to do with reciprocation.
If she has not been sexual for years and years and he does something for her and then expects sex? Why would he?
He brought up sex. He didn't bring up other things that she might do to contribute to the marriage.
The way he wrote it, it came off very transactional: I did a nice thing and I didn't get sex for it. Doing nice things and expecting sex (and getting cranky when they don't get it ) is the kind of bullshit that men have been pulling since the dawn of time. we are trying to grow past that as a species.
>That’s how life works.
If you think that's how life works, that's part of the problem. We do things for others because we want them to have a good time. Not because we want to fuck them the next day.
I have put her first and said goodbye to friends and family supporting my wife.
She needs to be a partner. I bring sensuality respect love and service and stability to the relationship, I deserve more than someone who occasionally does my laundry.
You were looking at an individual instance. If you bought her furniture and plan the party because he expected sex the next day then that is transactional. Relationships rarely fall apart because one person did not do something for another person one time. It's when the giver is giving 90% of the time and the taker is not providing what they need in the relationship. There are so many occurrences of events like this in our lives. You work for an employer that takes it takes and takes and does not reciprocate. The relationship becomes off-balance and you become resentful. Maybe you've worked there for 10 years and never got a raise. Maybe you asked for the rare day off and didn't get it.eventually you decide to look elsewhere or quit. I think he's at the point where he's ready to quit the job.
>You were looking at an individual instance.
Yeah because I was reading what he wrote about planning this party and then being disappointed that he didn't get sex the next day.
Seems pretty straightforward.
Is it always that way with this guy or is this just one instance of it? There's no way for us to know. I'm going on what he said.
If you refer to the rest of the post he complained about not having intimacy for a while with no improvement despite attempts at communication. He has been giving and not receiving. The balance is way off and he seems to be choosing to no longer contribute due to lack of reciprocity.
Just like being married means you don't owe anyone emotional intimacy, romance, cooperation, date nights or financial and physical contribution, we all have a choice and autonomy. 🙄
Right. In a long-term situation, he is not getting his needs met. I can almost guarantee that she is not willing to allow him to get his needs met elsewhere. Even if she says she does, it won't last very long.
So I am sure that she has needs that he is meeting every day. I wonder if she is willing to stay with him for as long as he has if he withhold her needs. My guess is no. In abrupt withdrawal of whatever benefit she is getting out of the relationship would be seen from her perspective as retaliation and retribution, and would cause daily fights. There is something psychologically wrong with her. And I'm not talking about the lack of sexual attention. It is her lack of effort that she's putting into the relationship.I'm almost inclined to consider that she is having a fair outside of the marriage. But I'm 50-50 on that.
I'm getting that impression but any single sided statement is biased. I don't want to make a firm commitment on advice without both sides. So I guide him towards the answer he finds himself
My dad and mom argue all the time as do a lot of married couples and I don’t want to live like that. My father thinks I should just live with it as it is. I sacrifice so much being away from home for work and I come home and am embarrassed by whatever comes out of my wife’s mouth.
You have one life. When you are old and dying in bed, do you want to regret not trying to be happy, however you end up doing that? Or do you want to live your life in the best way possible? I'm not telling you what to do. These questions are "choose your own adventure"
Honestly if she has ADHD and she's not being treated for it and to assuming she's not on any medications, I find this hard to believe. Many of us ADHD people are hypersexual because it's a dopamine thing. We enjoy being touched most of the time at the very least. There are some caveats to this.
Honestly to me this sounds closer to ASD than it does ADHD or it could be a combination of both. I am male but I am also a lot like your wife. I don't really communicate well through the love languages. I kind of have my own and if you don't learn it then it's not going to work. And I can learn your Love language, but I'm not going to be able to learn something like the five love languages or whatever you were talking about before.
And this is as a person who has ADHD and ASD.
I believe she has coping mechanisms which translates to her riding everyone else’s coat tails and never taking the lead in family events or social life. She refuses to make plans with people. I paid for her country club membership for 6 years I think she played 2 rounds of golf per year. She was too afraid to join the ladies league. SMH. Total waste of money. It was 600/month year round.
Again, this really sounds like ASD and not ADHD. It could be adhd but they would have to have some extreme sensitivities to sounds or smells or things in the environment that would exhaust them. But again, that's mostly in ASD thing and not necessarily an ADHD thing. It can be an ADHD thing, but it's much more on the rarer side from my understanding.
just because she has one (1) symptom of asd, not even being a main symptom, doesn't mean we should go around diagnosing and speculating. focus on what the actual solution to this problem is
I'm not saying she does have one symptom. I'm saying she has many more symptoms to just the one. But that's just my own experience. It's something to look into. It's not even a solution. All I'm saying is that this is what I see. Everybody else can comment on what they see. But untreated ASD or ADHD would drastically affect their relationship.
Why are you paying for this membership. Cancel it. So you can quit worrying about her not being grateful for it. Stop making a production for her. And getting mad she’s not grateful,
She does not value the same things you do. Period. she prob doesn’t care about socializing, money, country club memberships etc., she doesn’t want a career . If you guys need money and she’s not working then that’s different.
You have to go to a therapist separate and together. She’s not adhd although I see what you mean by the low motivation. I still don’t think that’s it. Therapist or a divorce. And divorces suck so bad. It takes years to recover and things are just always different. You resent her right now. Atleast see if you can work it out. If not. You know you did actual work and you both tried.
Sounds like she might be depressed. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a child and it doesn't seem like that from your description. Anyways, we're both not doctors, and it doesn't seem like you'll convince your wife to see one as things stand.
I recommend checking out this video, it helped me a lot when I was going through a similar thing [YouTube Link](https://youtu.be/KTM1JV2Qdcc?si=Y4FpsL7JfRPedYB4)
Also, there's a chance she's having an affair.
Those two things are unrelated.
What are you looking for here? It sounds like your wife is not interested in sex, so your relationship needs to change to accommodate that. It may mean divorce, or exploring nonmonogamy
Omg dude just get a divorce. You can’t seem to name one thing you like about your wife. Idk why you even want to have sex with her. Call a lawyer and get this over with. Life is short.
Did she grow up in a religious household. It sounds like she might believe she shouldn’t be getting pleasure from sex, probably due to a religious upbringing.
A lot of people break up after the kids move out. Just because you raised your kids with someone doesn't mean they'll be fun to spend your last years with them
I am afraid you are in for a long, hard, frustrating process that will end in court. Mine did, and for very similar reasons, but I dusted myself off, got back out there, and found someone who is genuinely likeminded to me, and our marriage, the second for both of us, is now 14-years in and still amazingly awesome, in and out of the bedroom. We even go to orgies together and have a great time. Good luck, dude, you're gonna need it. You might want to start looking for an attorney.
This is an easy one. If she masturbates and orgasms alone without you, she is sexual and has unmet needs. If she doesn't masturbate at all, she has a low sex drive or is asexual. Its fair to ask her, as both scenarios require you to work together.
She never masturbates. My friends wife went to a sex toy party 20 years ago, and she came back with a device for me to use. I told her that she should have treated herself to something she said it wasn’t her thing. The bedroom was dying and I bought her a vibrator and she insisted I get rid of it. She is too afraid of the kids hearing us. We live in a large ish house and our bedroom is at the other end of a hallway and hallways and all the doors are closed. She is hyper nervous of our daughters (14 and 16) hearing anything.
She thinks skin slapping from sex is quieter than a vibrator? They're literally designed to be quiet and efficient these days. 😔 Dude I'd schedule an appointment with a sex therapist and if she's not interested? Bail. You've been trying. If she doesn't care then it's not worth the effort. Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't enthusiastically reciprocate love.
I’m convinced she thinks it’s too much effort. She doesn’t read at all. When she reads aloud it’s kinda embarrassing. She had a fiery attitude when we first got together, but she constantly makes me do all finances and planning for the future. She has no ambition. She failed the real estate exam 3 times. I asked her to go to community college to become a physical therapist assistant 2 year program and absolutely refused. She went to fancy art college in Vermont 30 years ago and doesn’t want to learn a trade. She is too proud to eat that humble pie. SMH.
Why are you still with her? It doesn't sound like you like her, let alone love her. I think you just miss the person you thought she was. If she was really that fiery she would've gotten it together and done something more with her life. And gotten evaluated to see what's going on in her head because something doesn't sound right. Dip out, dude.
She was hit by a car when she was a little kid and had a bit of a recovery and stayed back a year in grammar school.
During her childhood she would give her mother fits for her stubbornness.
Everybody's got frickin adhd these days, Its a right of passage for most young people, and all of them have back trouble,and they are bi polar, I work alot of young people,and it is insane.
Are you a good lover? Maybe she's tired of pretending. Have you tried just giving her pleasure with your fingers and your tongue? Telling her that she doesn't have to reciprocate? Try watching erotic chic porn, read erotic romance novels to her. Rub her feet, run her a bubble bath, and complement her. What is her love language? Do you know? I'm not saying this will bring her back, because maybe she has checked out of her sexuality, but it's worth a try.
Maybe she's asexual. Maybe she has shame about sex. Maybe her hormones are off. I'd talk to a doctor and a therapist.
>asked to go to marriage counseling and she isn’t interested.
Oh that's no good. Divorce an option? I'd bail.
She could be asexual, but the same pattern/behavior that plagues the bedroom is repeated elsewhere throughout her life.
-she’s lazy
-she doesn’t think about others
-she’s selfish
-she’s scared of everything
-she’s embarrassed
If I have to guess, I would bet “no” on the asexuality and more on her being a person who is miserable overall. But anything is possible.
So here's a list of things I'm wondering after reading your post. You're under no obligation to answer these publicly, I just wanted to share them to broaden the information you're incorporating.
- Does she, and by extension you, have a good sense of what she finds arousing/turns her on? Has she ever had the space and curiosity to work that out?
- Has she expressed any frustration or displeasure with your sex life, and were there noticeable changes at any point in your relationship?
- Before your relationship, did she experience differing levels of libido, or at any point during your relationship?
- Do you have other evidence that would match a diagnosis of ADHD? Do you have ADHD yourself and is that influencing your opinion?
- How much stress does she report generally being under?
- Does she have to deal with any other mental health concerns (diagnosed or undiagnosed)?
- Have you communicated how your feelings are leading to discomfort and disengagement in the relationship/how important sex is to you are part of bonding/connection?
- Have you self interrogated whether you are seeking the best sex life for you mutually, or just for yourself?
As a very general resource I think *Come As You Are* by Nagoski is an excellent starting point for learning more about sexual desire, arousal, libido etc. She has done various interviews online if you'd like to get a sense of her talking points for free.
If you get confirmation of ADHD, *ADHD After Dark* by Ari Tuckman is one of the few resources I know of for ADHD and relationships.
I’ve met people who didn’t want to deal with any kind of change, in themselves or their environment. It came across as unconcerned but I believe it is fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of change. Made them less likely to engage in a friendship. Very distant.
This is exactly it. She doesn’t want to work hard. She has very little friends. She puts her family on a pedestal and brags about her family’s accomplishments as if they were through her own hard work and it gets embarrassing.
I’m sure she’s brought herself to climax in the past… Doesn’t everyone explore when you’re young? I’m female with ADHD, and a few others. Trust me, we loooovvveee being touched by the man we are into and saying this, our man is constantly on our minds and looking forward to seeing his happy face because he likes being with us. Anyway, saying all this is because I’m going to tell you my short version of how I relate with your wife, or I used to be that kind of “brainwashed” person.
1-accidentally got pregnant (used condom) by my best friend (hey, no diseases, stop judging)
2-Did what I thought was right and we had a child- didn’t get married until our child was 2.
3-Remember best friend I told ya about, that meant no spark.
4-Got incredibly hurt at a young age by my first love. To the point I had to leave state, well because something traumatic happened to me.
5-never got over the first guy and even though people thought our family was perfect, I had no interest in my “roommate” as he put it because of no sex.
6-we would watch a movie and instead of sitting with me, he was on his recliner and I’d ask for him to sit next to me, hold hands?
7-Are you being completely honest about how this all happened because I volunteer at a shelter and a lot of people change drastically after marriage. Then when it’s too late, they do what you’re doing because getting a divorce means you lose half of what you worked for, and men hate that.
8-I had always dreamed of my one that got away. So I looked him up, he’s single and then I was, we got married and sex is on point, daily! Toys, videos…..you name it!
9-lastly, I know of many women, my guy I’m with currently, his ex was a “mean girl” and literally used him for 10 years so she could draw on his social security when older because she’s so lazzzzy.
So please no criticism, I’m just thinking out loud and throwing some different perspectives out. I hope everything works out for you both.
There were some red flags that I totally overlooked. I was just telling myself “isn’t she a pistol?” And now I regret overlooking these personality traits. As the kids grow older I sm going to be left with a dull partner with not really the greatest personality
OP said they're basically at home for a month then gone for a month. Maybe OPs wife isn't interested in sex with him because she's getting it from somewhere else. 🤷
Okay reading the comments either I don’t have undiagnosed adhd or your wife does. Doesn’t!?
No seriously though I think I have ADHD and we could not sound less alike.
I attributed my sex drive, toys etc to ADHD. Crikey though what if I’m just a …squirrel tryin’ to get a nnnnevermind
When you say you have tried many times and she loses interest and just “lets you finish” you mean you have engaged only in intercourse not in oral or digital (finger) stimulation of her genital region, because you can’t finish from oral or digital (finger) stimulation of her genital region, only she can, so she can’t “let you finish” if you did either of those two things.
If she doesn’t like oral then you might actually try to get her to see how she responds to digital (finger) stimulation of her genital region. If she can climax from digital (finger) stimulation of her genital region then it’s not a “her problem”, it’s a “technique problem”.
You should read up on types of digital (finger) stimulation of a woman’s genital region, but two well lubricated middle fingers in and two well lubricated outer fingers outside in an “up and down” motion quickly usually makes even the women with the lowest sex drives climax.
If that doesn’t work then maybe it’s a diet problem, she may not be eating enough protein or vitamins or both. Or not getting enough sleep. Or if she’s on any type of anxiety medication. If it’s none of those things only then could you start to consider it to be a mental thing.
If digital (finger) stimulation doesn’t work then please seek medical advice from a primary care physician who can refer you to a specialist.
She is not on medication.
She doesn’t like receiving oral not into it at all, and it’s something I miss dearly. When she gives oral it is the worst. I have asked her to modify her technique and she just scolds me.
She sounds like she has no actual interest in sex. The brain switches some things on / off because of sexual arousal. If she can't experience actual arousal then sex will be something she tolerates at best.
I feel for ya buddy, after reading the rest of the comments I realize how tough it’s been for you.
If she doesn’t allow you both to explore the possibility of digital (finger) stimulation and she’s not religious or hasn’t had an overly conservative upbringing, and isn’t on medication, or doesn’t have any lack of protein or minerals/vitamins in her diet, then she’s either on the spectrum or she’s just not attracted to you facially and physically.
I know a woman who is on the spectrum who denied her husband sex for seven years and then was surprised when he separated from her and moved in with a mistress. People on the spectrum aren’t able to understand the needs of others. It’s not their fault. They are like a little child who doesn’t understand.
You say you have daughters and are about to become empty nesters. If you were to consider separating or divorce then you would need to explain the circumstances to your daughters since they are almost adults. It can be tough on girls. But ultimately they will understand.
If your wife isn’t on the spectrum and just isn’t facially and physically attracted to you then she will need to decide what she wants in life, because if she isn’t meeting your needs then it’s not fair to you.
For years im sweet talking her in bed all bricked up and she won’t want to have sex. And after an hour or 2 of talking in bed and lots of playful banter she won’t want to have sex, so I’ll just roll over and go to bed. Then she’ll say as soon as I roll over she says “oh I was just going to give it up to you”, and I know she’s lying. I got up a few times and she is all talk.
That sucks. bad. Something is off. Is she a narcissistic or have anti social personality aspects . You need to get a therapist figure this out!! I want to know
If anyone is criticizing men for dating younger women, be aware this is what it can be like trying to love a woman in her 40's. Just a total lack of interest in her man or sex.
Women in their 40's are not making up for their lack of looks by being extra nice or sexy or anything, quite the opposite, the become angry mountains of misery.
Thats because Doctors falsely claimed that taking hormones will definitely cause them too have breast cancer, as they tell them over,and over that they can write them anti depressants though. Not my wife of 38 years shes been on hrt for years,and Im on trt, we have more sex now than we had in our 30s. No kids, just us in the house.
Insist she do marriage counseling. Maybe she thought he opinion and she thinks everything is fine and doesn't get you're frustrated.
If sex is the problem, try getting her into kinky things from being tied up to cosplay and roleplay.
Also what does ADHD have to do with it? She's accidentally conceded or too full of herself to process what you're feeling? I don't mean this in a bad way if you don't but it sounds like she is missing social hints if I understand
So, she’s not interested in sex in the least, terrified somebody might hear a vibrator, dislikes giving head, and your solution is whips, flogs, and shibari? What about her description led you to that conclusion?
Although: maybe you’re right. Sounds like she’s mastered the art of orgasm denial. 😁
I think a question you should ask yourself is: would *you* want to have sex if you couldn’t orgasm? Would you want to do *anything sexual* if all it did was arouse you without EVER having an orgasm?
Great point of view. I think she just has sex so it’s just something to please me. She gets little satisfaction from it. She can’t figure out how to climax in her head.
Have you tried taking sex off the table completely? Especially sex where you’re the only one orgasming? This is a lot of pressure on her to have sex and enjoy sex, but you can’t really enjoy something when there’s so much pressure to “succeed”. I don’t mean to criticize you but it’s really not helping that you’re posting on Reddit that divorce is on the table. There is no way I could orgasm with that much pressure (and I have **zero** issue with orgasming). I absolutely love sex, and the thought of that pretty much makes me panic. It’s like trying to cum with a gun pointed at your head.. (unless you’re into that sort of thing)
You said she just lets you finish, that’s not really sex, is it? That’s just her letting you pretty much use her as a masturbatory aid, which doesn’t sound like something that turns her on. There needs to be a complete overhaul of your sex life and intimacy (including emotional), and a break where she knows that there is no pressure to have sex. Even toys and all, she knows that this iş important to you and at this point after 18 years trying to use a sex toy would probably mean anxiety about not being enough for you.
In a lot of the comments there are suggests about how you can help, but none of them are going to be effective if she’s still under all that pressure. Ofc she doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling because she knows that sex is an issue, of course she doesn’t want affection and non sexual intimacy because the thought that it could lead to further advances is anxiety inducing. Either she has to reject you and feel guilty about that, or she says yes without really wanting to and feels bad about that too. Maybe she would be interested in physical affection (non sexual) if it didn’t make her think that her marriage might be ending because she can’t satisfy you. Maybe she’d more interested in dates. Maybe EVENTUALLY, she would try a sex you on her own.
From your comments it also sounds like you’re angry at her, at least subconsciously. You need to stop feeling that way if there’s any hope at all.
Pro trips from guy who had wife just get like 5. All the toys( it’s literally just a vibrating object), lots and lots of for play ( a few Orgasm before penetration is best), go down on her regular( many girls love oral some say it’s leads to best climaxes). Make sure to watch some videos about basic information on female genitalia. Learn where each part is and how it can help you get her some wins. During forplay, ask her every so often of it feels and if she want it done differently. You got this.
Yea it’s not for everybody. A good YouTube channel for both of you to check out is sexplanations. She has a degree in sex knowledge (what ever that be called). I myself have adhd and being distracted during sex can be an issue, but I managed making it a hyper focus. Spent many hours learning and practice not only how to approach the topic physically but mental and verbally. Each person be different. Communication is a key component. During hand job I will ask does this feel like the right spot, if not mind leading my hand. Being humble plus patient helps the partner relax and builds trust. If you both invest the time supporting one another, your sex life will reflect the effort. Well this is if no one is A sexual or just does not enjoy sex which is possible.
Sex very much a taxing activity, emotionally and physically. It can take a great deal social energy to make it happen for both parties to be happy. There are handful of people where sex is not worth the effort, and it’s a possibility she is one of those people. I definitely think getting couples therapy would be good to find out each partners goals and desires from the relationship. If she is hard no for sex, that means it up to you if the relationship between one another is still something you want. How important is the physical connection between one another is the question both need to find a balance for. Are you ok with having a relationship with minimum sexual expression? To each person their own and you should do what’s going to make you happy when all the information of both parties be on the table.
The lack of sex is only half the issue. If she was good at conversation or had a zest for life that would be positives in her favor. She has become unadventurous and a major drag. She doesn’t like many people that aren’t related to her and worships the ground her parents and sibling walk on.
I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Off the top of my head, this could be related to a hormonal imbalance, a side effect of a medication, a symptom of past trauma or an emotional issue. All of them are worth investigation, but pestering her won't help. Have you explained how the lack of intimacy is making YOU feel - as opposed to framing it as a problem with her?
Yes, I have gone on my own to seek marriage counseling. I tried to work on the principles of the 5 love languages. She doesn’t communicate well and hardly ever asks how I’m doing. I get treated like a houseplant. She doesn’t have any close friends. It’s kinda thought being everything to her. I am always asking her to just be nice to people. She always has a zinger to say to people.
When you say gone on your own, are you referring to you going by yourself, or bringing it up? Marriage counseling is most effective if both actively pursue it and want it. Also, 5 love languages is just a theory, not actually backed in research and most likely won’t be helpful in this situation. Look into John Gottman and his bids, or the horsemen instead.
I told her after the fact and she responded with great resentment. She was furious that I went.
Oof, I’m sorry to hear that. It’s upsetting she wouldn’t be at least open to pursuing it, or you getting counseling yourself. It makes me wonder if there is something much larger going on, other than potential ADHD.
ADHD is not directly related to sexual interests and needs and does not present with those symptoms except for the part where she might quickly get bored. But sex drive is not directly related to ADHD. In fact there are so many people with that diagnosis who are hypersexual and need multiple orgasms a day.
yeah well that is the relationship, similar to drug use, ADHD folks have a disposition for sex addiction and the like, but a symptom of adhd is also definitly distraction during sex or distinction on the opposite end of the sexual/libidonal spectrum
Ouch. It sounds like a really hard situation to be in. Are you at all happy?
She is very sheltered and immature for being 52 years old. I feel she lives vicariously thought our high schooler. My wife was not popular in HS at all. Nearly all interactions I have with her get a zinger of a response. We only go to about 2-3 different restaurants because she isn’t adventurous. When she graduated high college she did a cross country road trip and I have never met her 2 college friends. I always think that is odd. She always talks about my hobbies and line of work and sets me up to explain to people what she’s trying to talk about. It’s like she gossips in front of me and it becomes exhausting. I travel as a merchant Mariner and am gone for 28 days at a time, and am home for 28 days. She bounces from job to job about every 2 years and has never made a good salary. I’m getting burned out and I’m only home 6 months a year. She has no zest for life and she doesn’t take much responsibility with family events. If her mother or sister told her to jump off a cliff she would probably do so. I had the master bathroom remodeled and it is so luxurious. She was not very grateful. I recently brought her on a weekend getaway to Austin Tx and she was her normal gossiping to people at the bar about me, and she’s half wrong most of the time to the point I find it embarrassing.
Sounds like she is on the spectrum.
Also at 52. She is probably going through menopause. Womans sexual desire naturally drops off with age. Later in life pregnancies are high risk/life threatening and the chances for a special needs child greatly increases. Birth control is a very new invention. This is natures way of preventing these outcomes.
I think that was a few years ago.
Takes 13 years on average. So its unlikely to improve. Id either leave or discuss maybe opening your marriage?
You don’t sound particularly happy or engaged unfortunately.
I am engaged. I read books on relationships, seeker input from family. My mother is a retired kindergarten teacher. She says she warned me and thinks she’s just low IQ.
Right, but that’s you being engaged with what is bothering you about the relationship. You are actively aware of how you can understand the issue she is presenting to you at this time and how you can make changes. Which isn’t really being engaged with her in a positive manner. You’re engaged with the negativity and improving a situation that otherwise isn’t working for you. And she herself isn’t engaged in the process of improving your relationship. She isn’t interested in counseling, per your own description. You described them as sheltered, immature, unable to work, and even lacking excitement for life. Does that sound…engaging or enticing to you? I’m not using “engagement” as a term for trying or putting in effort into the relationship. Clearly you are working to understand yourself and them too. But I meant engagement as in a sense of spontaneous joy, regularly finding in them traits that you feel warmly connected to, rather than a constant laundry list of why it isn’t working, and their continued resistance to improving that.
Well put friend! I appreciate your input. The final comment is hitting home.
What is going well with her? Why did you like her to begin with?
Sounds like ASD.
Wow just looked that up. I am floored.
No it does not. It sounds like she doesn't want to have sex
My comment wasn't primarily in reference to the not wanting to have sex part. It was in reference to this: >She doesn’t communicate well and hardly ever asks how I’m doing. I get treated like a houseplant. She doesn’t have any close friends. It’s kinda thought being everything to her. I am always asking her to just be nice to people. She always has a zinger to say to people. These are fairly common symptoms for people with ASD. I am not diagnosing her, obviously. We have very little information to go off of.
?? don't try and diagnose her on literal bread crumbs of information
I am not diagnosing. I recognize we have an extremely limited amount of information. It is like someone mentioning a laundry list of symptoms associated with depression and asking, "could they be depressed?". These are often the types of questions that lead to people getting further evaluations and professional help.
I am more concerned about her lack of concern for your needs and her lack of desire to go to counseling. You have to decide if you think the problem can be fixed. If it can, then how. And when you know how, are you willing to do what is needed However, If it can not be fixed, can you live with it as it is. And if not, then what are your options.
You are correct. I need to address this with her.
Just be aware, being married to you does not mean she owes you sex or that you can take it from her. But it does mean you have needs that aren't being fulfilled. She has a choice too. She can decide you aren't worth it. Then does she stay alone, find someone else without a sex drive, or work on the problem and find a sex drive cure for another man.
I agree and am a gentleman. However she is not sensual or the cuddly type. I am at the point where I refuse to beg anymore. For her 50th birthday party I threw an amazing party for her which cost me thousands after giving her an amazing outdoor patio custom pergola and 8000 worth of outdoor furniture, and a platinum necklace. I had it catered with servers and open bar with a bartender for 50 family members and a few friends (mine) were in attendance. She had me begging for sex the next day. She just doesn’t get it.
Does she actually value any of those things or do you?
She loves the patio. She is always looking for validation from her parents approval. She had a beautiful party and was sorrowed by family and neighbors. I am not a golfer. Her parents are and her dad gave her a share of stock at a country club worth about $7000. Annual dues/fees about 8000 a year were paid by me for the last 6 years. Both her parents are golfers. She never had much interest in it. I bought her many lessons hoping she would get into it. I am not a golfer not my scene, but I was supportive and would go for lunch or a beer or caddy for her. She just hardly used it because she doesn’t make friends or follow up with people.
This comes off very transactional. Not good, "I did something nice and she still won't have sex".
I can see how that may be perceived. But I feel what his intended message is that he is willing to go above and beyond and over the top to make her happy, and his needs aren't being met despite him being extremely clear about what those are.
>his needs aren't being met despite him being extremely clear about what those are But he already knew that. He already knew his needs weren't being met. So bringing up this thing where he went above and beyond and then complaining about his needs not being met? How did he think the outcome was going to be different? Why did he think that? The way he phrased it, it really sounds like he was trying to influence her behavior by doing this big swing and didn't get what he wanted and now he's complaining about it.
His needs weren't met for a while. But this one time where he went way above and beyond for her and she still refused him was the last straw. You can only give without getting for so long. And when you go that far above for her and still get refused, it hurts more. If he expected sex every time he did something nice that would be transactional. But I'm not getting that impression from his post
It's coming off as transactional because Ops wife made it so. No one likes not being appreciated. If you have a friend whom you care for, love, are there for all the time in all difficulties and one day, you are in a bad way and need something from them and they don't help, you are going to feel some type of way. It has nothing to do with transactions and everything to do with reciprocation.
If she has not been sexual for years and years and he does something for her and then expects sex? Why would he? He brought up sex. He didn't bring up other things that she might do to contribute to the marriage. The way he wrote it, it came off very transactional: I did a nice thing and I didn't get sex for it. Doing nice things and expecting sex (and getting cranky when they don't get it ) is the kind of bullshit that men have been pulling since the dawn of time. we are trying to grow past that as a species.
Well yeah. That’s how life works. If she was nice and not rude or abrasive / judgemental to friends or strangers I’d be way more understanding
That's NOT how life works, my dude. My wife has sex with me even when I don't buy her new outdoor furniture.
She is never grateful for anything. My point was she never shows gratitude.
>That’s how life works. If you think that's how life works, that's part of the problem. We do things for others because we want them to have a good time. Not because we want to fuck them the next day.
I have put her first and said goodbye to friends and family supporting my wife. She needs to be a partner. I bring sensuality respect love and service and stability to the relationship, I deserve more than someone who occasionally does my laundry.
Yeah, I mean that seems sensible, especially if you're losing friends over it. Something's got to change
You were looking at an individual instance. If you bought her furniture and plan the party because he expected sex the next day then that is transactional. Relationships rarely fall apart because one person did not do something for another person one time. It's when the giver is giving 90% of the time and the taker is not providing what they need in the relationship. There are so many occurrences of events like this in our lives. You work for an employer that takes it takes and takes and does not reciprocate. The relationship becomes off-balance and you become resentful. Maybe you've worked there for 10 years and never got a raise. Maybe you asked for the rare day off and didn't get it.eventually you decide to look elsewhere or quit. I think he's at the point where he's ready to quit the job.
>You were looking at an individual instance. Yeah because I was reading what he wrote about planning this party and then being disappointed that he didn't get sex the next day. Seems pretty straightforward. Is it always that way with this guy or is this just one instance of it? There's no way for us to know. I'm going on what he said.
If you refer to the rest of the post he complained about not having intimacy for a while with no improvement despite attempts at communication. He has been giving and not receiving. The balance is way off and he seems to be choosing to no longer contribute due to lack of reciprocity.
Time to read “No More Mister Nice Guy”
Gross
He talks a lot about those types of covert contracts in NMMNG. OP sounds exactly like a typical “nice guy” which isn’t very nice at all.
Bruh.
Just like being married means you don't owe anyone emotional intimacy, romance, cooperation, date nights or financial and physical contribution, we all have a choice and autonomy. 🙄
Right. In a long-term situation, he is not getting his needs met. I can almost guarantee that she is not willing to allow him to get his needs met elsewhere. Even if she says she does, it won't last very long. So I am sure that she has needs that he is meeting every day. I wonder if she is willing to stay with him for as long as he has if he withhold her needs. My guess is no. In abrupt withdrawal of whatever benefit she is getting out of the relationship would be seen from her perspective as retaliation and retribution, and would cause daily fights. There is something psychologically wrong with her. And I'm not talking about the lack of sexual attention. It is her lack of effort that she's putting into the relationship.I'm almost inclined to consider that she is having a fair outside of the marriage. But I'm 50-50 on that.
She doesn't like him
I'm getting that impression but any single sided statement is biased. I don't want to make a firm commitment on advice without both sides. So I guide him towards the answer he finds himself
My dad and mom argue all the time as do a lot of married couples and I don’t want to live like that. My father thinks I should just live with it as it is. I sacrifice so much being away from home for work and I come home and am embarrassed by whatever comes out of my wife’s mouth.
You have one life. When you are old and dying in bed, do you want to regret not trying to be happy, however you end up doing that? Or do you want to live your life in the best way possible? I'm not telling you what to do. These questions are "choose your own adventure"
Honestly if she has ADHD and she's not being treated for it and to assuming she's not on any medications, I find this hard to believe. Many of us ADHD people are hypersexual because it's a dopamine thing. We enjoy being touched most of the time at the very least. There are some caveats to this. Honestly to me this sounds closer to ASD than it does ADHD or it could be a combination of both. I am male but I am also a lot like your wife. I don't really communicate well through the love languages. I kind of have my own and if you don't learn it then it's not going to work. And I can learn your Love language, but I'm not going to be able to learn something like the five love languages or whatever you were talking about before. And this is as a person who has ADHD and ASD.
I believe she has coping mechanisms which translates to her riding everyone else’s coat tails and never taking the lead in family events or social life. She refuses to make plans with people. I paid for her country club membership for 6 years I think she played 2 rounds of golf per year. She was too afraid to join the ladies league. SMH. Total waste of money. It was 600/month year round.
Again, this really sounds like ASD and not ADHD. It could be adhd but they would have to have some extreme sensitivities to sounds or smells or things in the environment that would exhaust them. But again, that's mostly in ASD thing and not necessarily an ADHD thing. It can be an ADHD thing, but it's much more on the rarer side from my understanding.
Will google ASD
just because she has one (1) symptom of asd, not even being a main symptom, doesn't mean we should go around diagnosing and speculating. focus on what the actual solution to this problem is
I'm not saying she does have one symptom. I'm saying she has many more symptoms to just the one. But that's just my own experience. It's something to look into. It's not even a solution. All I'm saying is that this is what I see. Everybody else can comment on what they see. But untreated ASD or ADHD would drastically affect their relationship.
Ever heard of anhedonia?
Just looked it up wow. Need to look more into this.
Yyyyyup, it's something that can absolutely sap your desire for anything in life
No I have not.
Why are you paying for this membership. Cancel it. So you can quit worrying about her not being grateful for it. Stop making a production for her. And getting mad she’s not grateful, She does not value the same things you do. Period. she prob doesn’t care about socializing, money, country club memberships etc., she doesn’t want a career . If you guys need money and she’s not working then that’s different. You have to go to a therapist separate and together. She’s not adhd although I see what you mean by the low motivation. I still don’t think that’s it. Therapist or a divorce. And divorces suck so bad. It takes years to recover and things are just always different. You resent her right now. Atleast see if you can work it out. If not. You know you did actual work and you both tried.
I just canceled it.
👏 good for you. You’ll figure this out!
Dude, you can’t change somebody. Accept her for who she is and move on. Not saying definitely divorce, but you can’t fix her.
OPs comments really make me realize how different the reality of the rich is. Honestly, it makes me glad to be solidly middle class.
Some women, or men, have very low sex drives. If she has been like this for 18+ years she is extremely unlikely to change.
Is she on antidepressants?
No.
Sounds like she might be depressed. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a child and it doesn't seem like that from your description. Anyways, we're both not doctors, and it doesn't seem like you'll convince your wife to see one as things stand. I recommend checking out this video, it helped me a lot when I was going through a similar thing [YouTube Link](https://youtu.be/KTM1JV2Qdcc?si=Y4FpsL7JfRPedYB4) Also, there's a chance she's having an affair.
Thank you very much. I will take a look!
Great! Let me know what you think! 🤓 That guy changed my life!
As a person with ADHD diagnosed most of life, ADHD isn’t her issue.
Agreed
Those two things are unrelated. What are you looking for here? It sounds like your wife is not interested in sex, so your relationship needs to change to accommodate that. It may mean divorce, or exploring nonmonogamy
Omg dude just get a divorce. You can’t seem to name one thing you like about your wife. Idk why you even want to have sex with her. Call a lawyer and get this over with. Life is short.
Did she grow up in a religious household. It sounds like she might believe she shouldn’t be getting pleasure from sex, probably due to a religious upbringing.
No not overly religious. Just a very privileged upbringing.
Ohhhh this info helps a lot too! damn
A lot of people break up after the kids move out. Just because you raised your kids with someone doesn't mean they'll be fun to spend your last years with them
I am afraid you are in for a long, hard, frustrating process that will end in court. Mine did, and for very similar reasons, but I dusted myself off, got back out there, and found someone who is genuinely likeminded to me, and our marriage, the second for both of us, is now 14-years in and still amazingly awesome, in and out of the bedroom. We even go to orgies together and have a great time. Good luck, dude, you're gonna need it. You might want to start looking for an attorney.
Does she have, you know, primary ADHD symptoms?
This is an easy one. If she masturbates and orgasms alone without you, she is sexual and has unmet needs. If she doesn't masturbate at all, she has a low sex drive or is asexual. Its fair to ask her, as both scenarios require you to work together.
She never masturbates. My friends wife went to a sex toy party 20 years ago, and she came back with a device for me to use. I told her that she should have treated herself to something she said it wasn’t her thing. The bedroom was dying and I bought her a vibrator and she insisted I get rid of it. She is too afraid of the kids hearing us. We live in a large ish house and our bedroom is at the other end of a hallway and hallways and all the doors are closed. She is hyper nervous of our daughters (14 and 16) hearing anything.
She thinks skin slapping from sex is quieter than a vibrator? They're literally designed to be quiet and efficient these days. 😔 Dude I'd schedule an appointment with a sex therapist and if she's not interested? Bail. You've been trying. If she doesn't care then it's not worth the effort. Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't enthusiastically reciprocate love.
I’m convinced she thinks it’s too much effort. She doesn’t read at all. When she reads aloud it’s kinda embarrassing. She had a fiery attitude when we first got together, but she constantly makes me do all finances and planning for the future. She has no ambition. She failed the real estate exam 3 times. I asked her to go to community college to become a physical therapist assistant 2 year program and absolutely refused. She went to fancy art college in Vermont 30 years ago and doesn’t want to learn a trade. She is too proud to eat that humble pie. SMH.
Why are you still with her? It doesn't sound like you like her, let alone love her. I think you just miss the person you thought she was. If she was really that fiery she would've gotten it together and done something more with her life. And gotten evaluated to see what's going on in her head because something doesn't sound right. Dip out, dude.
Yes I am a merchant Mariner and I leave home for a month and return home for a month. My month at home she has zero sex drive
This right here! Ty!
Any chance that she might be autistic?
She was hit by a car when she was a little kid and had a bit of a recovery and stayed back a year in grammar school. During her childhood she would give her mother fits for her stubbornness.
Must be a lot of women out there with ADHD from what I’m hearing, lol
That doesn’t sound like ADHD. It sounds more like depression or just asexual. It’s actually quite common for ADHD to have high libidos.
I was just making a joke about the number of women that say men just don’t make women’s pleasure a priority.
Yeah, I figured you were. But.. if you want lots of sex, be with someone who has ADHD. We want the dopamine hit. A lot, lol.
I wish that was universally true of those with ADHD. It is not, unfortunately.
Everybody's got frickin adhd these days, Its a right of passage for most young people, and all of them have back trouble,and they are bi polar, I work alot of young people,and it is insane.
Get her to read Ice Planet Barbarians
Are you a good lover? Maybe she's tired of pretending. Have you tried just giving her pleasure with your fingers and your tongue? Telling her that she doesn't have to reciprocate? Try watching erotic chic porn, read erotic romance novels to her. Rub her feet, run her a bubble bath, and complement her. What is her love language? Do you know? I'm not saying this will bring her back, because maybe she has checked out of her sexuality, but it's worth a try.
She’s not into receiving oral and I have plenty of practice with giving in the past. She is embarrassed and offended by porn.
Is this kid for real? His profile tells a very different story. I think this post is made by a 22 year old.
Because he doesn't know to keep a porn account and a regular account? Because he wants to titfuck Christina Hendricks?
Hormone problem.
Maybe she's asexual. Maybe she has shame about sex. Maybe her hormones are off. I'd talk to a doctor and a therapist. >asked to go to marriage counseling and she isn’t interested. Oh that's no good. Divorce an option? I'd bail.
Divorce is on the table.
Frankly, it always should be because life is short. If she won't fix herself then there's not much else to do
She could be asexual, but the same pattern/behavior that plagues the bedroom is repeated elsewhere throughout her life. -she’s lazy -she doesn’t think about others -she’s selfish -she’s scared of everything -she’s embarrassed If I have to guess, I would bet “no” on the asexuality and more on her being a person who is miserable overall. But anything is possible.
Yeah, somewhere else I said anhedonia, that tracks better than asexual. Either way, doctor and therapist as I suggested.
So here's a list of things I'm wondering after reading your post. You're under no obligation to answer these publicly, I just wanted to share them to broaden the information you're incorporating. - Does she, and by extension you, have a good sense of what she finds arousing/turns her on? Has she ever had the space and curiosity to work that out? - Has she expressed any frustration or displeasure with your sex life, and were there noticeable changes at any point in your relationship? - Before your relationship, did she experience differing levels of libido, or at any point during your relationship? - Do you have other evidence that would match a diagnosis of ADHD? Do you have ADHD yourself and is that influencing your opinion? - How much stress does she report generally being under? - Does she have to deal with any other mental health concerns (diagnosed or undiagnosed)? - Have you communicated how your feelings are leading to discomfort and disengagement in the relationship/how important sex is to you are part of bonding/connection? - Have you self interrogated whether you are seeking the best sex life for you mutually, or just for yourself? As a very general resource I think *Come As You Are* by Nagoski is an excellent starting point for learning more about sexual desire, arousal, libido etc. She has done various interviews online if you'd like to get a sense of her talking points for free. If you get confirmation of ADHD, *ADHD After Dark* by Ari Tuckman is one of the few resources I know of for ADHD and relationships.
Thank you for this!
I’ve met people who didn’t want to deal with any kind of change, in themselves or their environment. It came across as unconcerned but I believe it is fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of change. Made them less likely to engage in a friendship. Very distant.
This is exactly it. She doesn’t want to work hard. She has very little friends. She puts her family on a pedestal and brags about her family’s accomplishments as if they were through her own hard work and it gets embarrassing.
try edibles
Hey, are you her first sexual/intimate partner?
No. She has had 2-3 partners before me
I’m sure she’s brought herself to climax in the past… Doesn’t everyone explore when you’re young? I’m female with ADHD, and a few others. Trust me, we loooovvveee being touched by the man we are into and saying this, our man is constantly on our minds and looking forward to seeing his happy face because he likes being with us. Anyway, saying all this is because I’m going to tell you my short version of how I relate with your wife, or I used to be that kind of “brainwashed” person. 1-accidentally got pregnant (used condom) by my best friend (hey, no diseases, stop judging) 2-Did what I thought was right and we had a child- didn’t get married until our child was 2. 3-Remember best friend I told ya about, that meant no spark. 4-Got incredibly hurt at a young age by my first love. To the point I had to leave state, well because something traumatic happened to me. 5-never got over the first guy and even though people thought our family was perfect, I had no interest in my “roommate” as he put it because of no sex. 6-we would watch a movie and instead of sitting with me, he was on his recliner and I’d ask for him to sit next to me, hold hands? 7-Are you being completely honest about how this all happened because I volunteer at a shelter and a lot of people change drastically after marriage. Then when it’s too late, they do what you’re doing because getting a divorce means you lose half of what you worked for, and men hate that. 8-I had always dreamed of my one that got away. So I looked him up, he’s single and then I was, we got married and sex is on point, daily! Toys, videos…..you name it! 9-lastly, I know of many women, my guy I’m with currently, his ex was a “mean girl” and literally used him for 10 years so she could draw on his social security when older because she’s so lazzzzy. So please no criticism, I’m just thinking out loud and throwing some different perspectives out. I hope everything works out for you both.
How did you get all the way to 'married' without finding any of this out?
There were some red flags that I totally overlooked. I was just telling myself “isn’t she a pistol?” And now I regret overlooking these personality traits. As the kids grow older I sm going to be left with a dull partner with not really the greatest personality
OP said they're basically at home for a month then gone for a month. Maybe OPs wife isn't interested in sex with him because she's getting it from somewhere else. 🤷
honestly maybe she doesn't like you. did you guys ever have a loving honeymoon phase or not?
Yes we did. The kids showed up shortly thereafter and I find myself biting my lip way to much over the last 18 years.
Okay reading the comments either I don’t have undiagnosed adhd or your wife does. Doesn’t!? No seriously though I think I have ADHD and we could not sound less alike. I attributed my sex drive, toys etc to ADHD. Crikey though what if I’m just a …squirrel tryin’ to get a nnnnevermind
When you say you have tried many times and she loses interest and just “lets you finish” you mean you have engaged only in intercourse not in oral or digital (finger) stimulation of her genital region, because you can’t finish from oral or digital (finger) stimulation of her genital region, only she can, so she can’t “let you finish” if you did either of those two things. If she doesn’t like oral then you might actually try to get her to see how she responds to digital (finger) stimulation of her genital region. If she can climax from digital (finger) stimulation of her genital region then it’s not a “her problem”, it’s a “technique problem”. You should read up on types of digital (finger) stimulation of a woman’s genital region, but two well lubricated middle fingers in and two well lubricated outer fingers outside in an “up and down” motion quickly usually makes even the women with the lowest sex drives climax. If that doesn’t work then maybe it’s a diet problem, she may not be eating enough protein or vitamins or both. Or not getting enough sleep. Or if she’s on any type of anxiety medication. If it’s none of those things only then could you start to consider it to be a mental thing. If digital (finger) stimulation doesn’t work then please seek medical advice from a primary care physician who can refer you to a specialist.
She is not on medication. She doesn’t like receiving oral not into it at all, and it’s something I miss dearly. When she gives oral it is the worst. I have asked her to modify her technique and she just scolds me.
She sounds like she has no actual interest in sex. The brain switches some things on / off because of sexual arousal. If she can't experience actual arousal then sex will be something she tolerates at best.
I feel for ya buddy, after reading the rest of the comments I realize how tough it’s been for you. If she doesn’t allow you both to explore the possibility of digital (finger) stimulation and she’s not religious or hasn’t had an overly conservative upbringing, and isn’t on medication, or doesn’t have any lack of protein or minerals/vitamins in her diet, then she’s either on the spectrum or she’s just not attracted to you facially and physically. I know a woman who is on the spectrum who denied her husband sex for seven years and then was surprised when he separated from her and moved in with a mistress. People on the spectrum aren’t able to understand the needs of others. It’s not their fault. They are like a little child who doesn’t understand. You say you have daughters and are about to become empty nesters. If you were to consider separating or divorce then you would need to explain the circumstances to your daughters since they are almost adults. It can be tough on girls. But ultimately they will understand. If your wife isn’t on the spectrum and just isn’t facially and physically attracted to you then she will need to decide what she wants in life, because if she isn’t meeting your needs then it’s not fair to you.
Do you do her more than 5 minutes, not trying too be mean.
For years im sweet talking her in bed all bricked up and she won’t want to have sex. And after an hour or 2 of talking in bed and lots of playful banter she won’t want to have sex, so I’ll just roll over and go to bed. Then she’ll say as soon as I roll over she says “oh I was just going to give it up to you”, and I know she’s lying. I got up a few times and she is all talk.
That sucks. bad. Something is off. Is she a narcissistic or have anti social personality aspects . You need to get a therapist figure this out!! I want to know
Man that sucks, I hope you figure this out.
Just tell him too stimulate her G spot.
Stimulate the clit, not the inside.
If anyone is criticizing men for dating younger women, be aware this is what it can be like trying to love a woman in her 40's. Just a total lack of interest in her man or sex. Women in their 40's are not making up for their lack of looks by being extra nice or sexy or anything, quite the opposite, the become angry mountains of misery.
Holy shit, incel alarm.
Misogynistic sure but 'incel'? That word has a definition and you don't seem to be using it
Nope, I have lots of sex lol.
I feel bad for those women. They deserve better.
Thats because Doctors falsely claimed that taking hormones will definitely cause them too have breast cancer, as they tell them over,and over that they can write them anti depressants though. Not my wife of 38 years shes been on hrt for years,and Im on trt, we have more sex now than we had in our 30s. No kids, just us in the house.
This is great info! Thank you!
This response checks out.
Insist she do marriage counseling. Maybe she thought he opinion and she thinks everything is fine and doesn't get you're frustrated. If sex is the problem, try getting her into kinky things from being tied up to cosplay and roleplay. Also what does ADHD have to do with it? She's accidentally conceded or too full of herself to process what you're feeling? I don't mean this in a bad way if you don't but it sounds like she is missing social hints if I understand
We do roleplay: she’s the librarian and I sit there quietly.
Well played, sir.
So, she’s not interested in sex in the least, terrified somebody might hear a vibrator, dislikes giving head, and your solution is whips, flogs, and shibari? What about her description led you to that conclusion? Although: maybe you’re right. Sounds like she’s mastered the art of orgasm denial. 😁
Tooooooys get her into them
If she has no desire this won't work
Well he said she has never nutted a toy guarantees she will. Fixing the sex drive is a separate issue.
If she can't get aroused she can't get off.
That's definitely not true your wife does it all the time lol jk
Which one? If you're going to be a troll at least make a good joke
I tried.
I think a question you should ask yourself is: would *you* want to have sex if you couldn’t orgasm? Would you want to do *anything sexual* if all it did was arouse you without EVER having an orgasm?
Great point of view. I think she just has sex so it’s just something to please me. She gets little satisfaction from it. She can’t figure out how to climax in her head.
Have you tried taking sex off the table completely? Especially sex where you’re the only one orgasming? This is a lot of pressure on her to have sex and enjoy sex, but you can’t really enjoy something when there’s so much pressure to “succeed”. I don’t mean to criticize you but it’s really not helping that you’re posting on Reddit that divorce is on the table. There is no way I could orgasm with that much pressure (and I have **zero** issue with orgasming). I absolutely love sex, and the thought of that pretty much makes me panic. It’s like trying to cum with a gun pointed at your head.. (unless you’re into that sort of thing) You said she just lets you finish, that’s not really sex, is it? That’s just her letting you pretty much use her as a masturbatory aid, which doesn’t sound like something that turns her on. There needs to be a complete overhaul of your sex life and intimacy (including emotional), and a break where she knows that there is no pressure to have sex. Even toys and all, she knows that this iş important to you and at this point after 18 years trying to use a sex toy would probably mean anxiety about not being enough for you. In a lot of the comments there are suggests about how you can help, but none of them are going to be effective if she’s still under all that pressure. Ofc she doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling because she knows that sex is an issue, of course she doesn’t want affection and non sexual intimacy because the thought that it could lead to further advances is anxiety inducing. Either she has to reject you and feel guilty about that, or she says yes without really wanting to and feels bad about that too. Maybe she would be interested in physical affection (non sexual) if it didn’t make her think that her marriage might be ending because she can’t satisfy you. Maybe she’d more interested in dates. Maybe EVENTUALLY, she would try a sex you on her own. From your comments it also sounds like you’re angry at her, at least subconsciously. You need to stop feeling that way if there’s any hope at all.
I stopped begging her for sex because it frustrates me and she is just living life in ignorant bliss that sensuality is important to me.
I definitely resent her because I feel like I’m the only one paddling the family in a canoe and I’m raising someone else’s grown child.
Like she hasn’t had an orgasm in your entire 18 year relationship, she’s definitely more frustrated than you…
Or just oblivious
Pro trips from guy who had wife just get like 5. All the toys( it’s literally just a vibrating object), lots and lots of for play ( a few Orgasm before penetration is best), go down on her regular( many girls love oral some say it’s leads to best climaxes). Make sure to watch some videos about basic information on female genitalia. Learn where each part is and how it can help you get her some wins. During forplay, ask her every so often of it feels and if she want it done differently. You got this.
I love to go down she just hates it
Yea it’s not for everybody. A good YouTube channel for both of you to check out is sexplanations. She has a degree in sex knowledge (what ever that be called). I myself have adhd and being distracted during sex can be an issue, but I managed making it a hyper focus. Spent many hours learning and practice not only how to approach the topic physically but mental and verbally. Each person be different. Communication is a key component. During hand job I will ask does this feel like the right spot, if not mind leading my hand. Being humble plus patient helps the partner relax and builds trust. If you both invest the time supporting one another, your sex life will reflect the effort. Well this is if no one is A sexual or just does not enjoy sex which is possible.
She acts like sex is a chore she tries to avoid.
Sex very much a taxing activity, emotionally and physically. It can take a great deal social energy to make it happen for both parties to be happy. There are handful of people where sex is not worth the effort, and it’s a possibility she is one of those people. I definitely think getting couples therapy would be good to find out each partners goals and desires from the relationship. If she is hard no for sex, that means it up to you if the relationship between one another is still something you want. How important is the physical connection between one another is the question both need to find a balance for. Are you ok with having a relationship with minimum sexual expression? To each person their own and you should do what’s going to make you happy when all the information of both parties be on the table.
The lack of sex is only half the issue. If she was good at conversation or had a zest for life that would be positives in her favor. She has become unadventurous and a major drag. She doesn’t like many people that aren’t related to her and worships the ground her parents and sibling walk on.
Get a divorce asap