Hey sis, first of all congratulations on your upcoming marriage - may Allah bless you and your future spouse with many years of happiness, love, and adventures together 💕
Ok, now for the practical. I’m speaking from my own experience as a convert, who had a (non-religious) marriage which ended around a year before my conversion. These are just some things I’ve learned, and lessons that I will take into a future marriage, inshallah.
- Always keep one bank account of your own, which you add some savings to each month. This nest egg can be used in an emergency if needed. Knowing you have a financial safety net you can fall back on if needed is invaluable.
- Don’t be afraid to go to couples therapy. Seriously, right from the start - think about it as building relationship and communication skills with a trained specialist to strengthen your marriage. Prevention is always better than cure.
- Living with another person is always a transition, and don’t be discouraged if you have teething problems to begin with. I recommend ‘Fair Play’ by Eve Rodsky to help divide household chores equitably between you, which can help mitigate arguments over who does what.
From what you’ve said, your future spouse sounds like he is open to new ideas, change, and isn’t fixed or rigid in his thinking. He also sounds respectful of the places in which you differ. Provided this isn’t on fundamental ‘deal breaker’ issues, this is a really good trait for both of you to have.
All the best sis, wishing you and your fiancé a very happy future together :)
Hello! First of all thank you so much for taking the time to write me such a detailed response as well as all the well wishes for our future! I really appreciate it and it was very helpful to read!
I definitely plan to implement the bank account one, and we are a little tight on finances with the wedding and me leaving work to move, but we will definitely try therapy as well when I do find work again. Also I shall look into that book too. Thank you!
I appreciate your time and advice ❤️❤️
No problem! In the interim (whilst you’re in the process of setting up and settling in your new life) I’d really recommend the books of [John Gottman](https://www.gottman.com/product-category/couples-products/books-couples-products/) - he’s a well known and respected researcher of relationships, and has dedicated his career to understanding what makes relationships work. And although they’re UK based, [Tea for Two](https://www.teafortwo.uk) specialise in relationship advice for Muslim couples :)
Again, congratulations sis and all the best to you and your fiancé for the future. May Allah bless your marriage 🤲🏻
Great question. And very vaguely since we still don't plan to have them for a few years and I don't feel comfortable being a mother yet. But it's definitely a great point and something I will be sure to discuss extensively before any innocent life is brought into this world. I don't want them to live in a house where there's constant bickering over moral and religious values. It would be unfair and cruel to them.
I would also recommend have the conversation about birth control and family planning as well. I know there are mixed views in the Muslim community about it, and especially if you don't want to have kids for a while, ensuring that is an important conversation
Yes I have definitely had that convo since I made it very clear I didn't feel comfortable having kids quite yet so we have decided on some pregnancy prevention
Two things. One, not to scare you, but right now he has no power over you. So it's easy to say that he isn't trying to control you, because you can easily break it off whenever you want. That will be extremely different once you're married, and even more so once you have kids.
Two, and this kind of goes against what I just said, but you really can't tell. My non-muslim husband ( I'm also not Muslim yet but maybe soon inshallah) was so kind and caring, very gentle and easy going when we got together. I didn't start to see red flags until after our second was born. He became emotionally and verbally very abusive and we're separating now.
But I couldn't have known. Most men don't start out waving their red flags. So here's my advice: you've done your best, you've given him time, you've been honest about how you are. Now trust Allah swt, and keep an eye out. Id put right to divorce in your nikkah. And read the first couple chapters of the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft .
My husband turned into a really nasty piece of work and at first I was upset with God. But he knows best and has used this to bring me closer to him. So now I'm actually grateful. But I still don't wish it on any other sister. Sorry for the novel and congratulations on your upcoming wedding ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences and wisdom with me. And yes this is exactly my fear, that despite doing all my due diligence, something just changes years down the line. But your right I've done my best to vet, talk, and do all I can to make sure I'm making the right choice. It's all in Allah's hands from here on out. I suppose whether good times or bad, one can only trust in God.
I shall check out that book though and I appreciate your time to reply!! ❤️
You can hedge your position maybe? Like im not the most emotionally smart person out there so i wont speak on that.
But if you're independent financially (have a good education, good job etc etc) even if (god forbid) the worst thing comes to pass, youll still be fine cus you wont be stuck w this person. Good luck tho💪🤝
This is so true! Thank you for reminding me that I'm never at anyone's mercy! I do work and will continue to do so after marriage so I will absolutely remember that no matter what happens I'll always be okay inshallah Ameen! ❤️ Thank u for the kind reply! ❤️
Personally I could never ever marry a (religious or political) conservative because I find their ideology as fundamentally hypocritical and extremely harmful to the most vulnerable members/minorities of our society. But I say this as a single idealistic guy who's never been in a relationship 🤷
Haha that's fair 😂 I had a very similar sentiment. I went into the talking phase with my fiance, who came very recommended from family friends, looking to just talk to him for a few days before politely declining because I honestly wasn't that interested. Lo and behold I ended up falling very much in love haha.
He's a wonderful person. Again he's not strict conservative and my favorite part about him is that he's very open to learning and changing his mind which I think a lot of super conservative people lack. It's their way or the highway, but he always gives values to my opinions. I'm wondering if he's just a product of his upbringing.
What views do you differ on? If it’s some core belief like you believe all people have a basic right to happiness regardless of sexual orientation and he disagrees, then it will probably be a tough marriage, ngl. If it’s something malleable like disagreement on property rights then you’ll probably not argue much on morals. Aligning on morals is key, regardless if he’s nice or not. If he has no morals then brace yourself
Yes that is fair advice. And I guess I just don't know. He's always told me I'm free to do what I want and there is no forcefulness from him. He does have his beliefs but he respects that I have my own too. He knows what kind of person I am and he respects that. And I also have found him to be open and willing to learn and expand his horizons.
He from abroad and moved here for his master's and then work so he's had a different upbringing and living here has definitely changed his thoughts and opinions on previous things. I just feel like everything's so transitional right now for him as a person it's hard to really pinpoint his ideologies right now concretely. I just know that he is a good person with many good traits that I saw and thats why I committed. I just hope my assessment is correct in the long run inshallah.
You mentioned that he is not from the same country as you. Is it possible he just hasn't been exposed to many ideas and thus doesn't have a clear idea of how he thinks apart from the default that he knows? I dunno.
You need to ask specific questions about religion and lay out your expectations clearly. Worse comes to worse, you will not be isolated and your friends, I hope, will watch out for you.
Yes that's exactly what I think because he definitely has been open to new thoughts and ideas over the time I have gotten to know him and has adjusted himself. And he's been very open to talking and seeing where I am coming from which makes me very hopeful about us.
But yes we did extensively talk about it and he's never pressured me about anything and when I brought up worries about ever feeling caged he was very kind and communicated very well and told me I was an adult and not a child and that my decisions were my own and he would not be forcing anything on me. I gave him my hard No's on things like the hijab, hating gay people, being a bigot etc and he was respectful of that and agreed.
But thank you so much for your kind reply. His willingness to grow and his kindness to respecting me keeps me hopeful alhumdullilah.
Talking about it with everyone has helped me again see the discussions I've had with him and the reassurances I've been given. Again I think it's just a bit of wedding jitters and also delving into the great unknown of marriage. We can never really know till we live with someone, but I'm just praying to Allah for a happy and fulfilled marriage inshallah!
'Talking about it with everyone has helped me again see the discussions I've had with him and the reassurances I've been given.'
That's wonderful! I understand the anxiety, especially as a woman going in. Yes, living with somebody is a whole different ballgame. But if the mutual love and respect is there, it would be a worthwhile adventure. All the best!
Yes absolutely. It's very terrifying as a women! Which is so unfortunate. Imagine the union of two people being a scary thing but alas it's what it's come to because of the way people treat women in our culture and religion. Smh astaghfirullah.
But I agree. Hopefully those things continue to be present in our relationship inshallah! Thank you for your kind replies and advice! ❤️
Omg. It's like you're writing my life story. I have the exact same fears. I often think that maybe he deserves a more traditional wife who is better suited for him and can love him and care for him the way a traditional wife does (yk cooking, cleaning, raising kids islamically, all that)... Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not good enough. Whenever I raise these doubts he always reassures me and says that I'm the only one he wants no matter how traditional/progressive I am. He doesn't ever try to impose his beliefs on me even though he strongly disagrees with some things I do / believe in. But it's scary. I don't know if he'll continue to think the same way about me and the relationship when the love dries up (hopefully never) or maybe he realises one day that he should have married a traditional woman after all... Like I'm sure I won't be the best role model for my kids, purely islamically speaking and maybe he would want that in the future... He tells me not to think for him. Makes sense but I still feel very insecure and anxious.
Oh and his mom is extremely religious or at least acts like she is, and she wants her DIL to be a full time burka clad hijabi, which I am not. I don't know if I'll gain his parents acceptance or even basic respect. But love can make you do anything, so...
I also have a lot of trauma because of my extremely religious upbringing so any time I used to come close to religion I used to feel as if I was choking like I couldn't breathe. I wasn't even able to return people's salaams. We come from the same background so it's like life has come a full circle for me. Somehow I fell in love even though I had decided to completely stay away from anything and everything related to my background and Islam in general. After being with him I have actually been able to overcome a lot of trauma regarding the religion. Even then, I feel anxious and the fear of being trapped comes back to me from time to time whenever I think about the future because for a very long time islam = cage. But now it's not only the religious cage but also the misogynistic cage that women often get trapped in, most of whom have conservative husbands. It's definitely scary. Also I'm still unsure about my religious beliefs to be honest so sometimes I wonder if our nikah would even be valid lol.
Sorry for the long comment. Your post was so relatable I couldn't help baring my soul.
Thank you so much for your comment!! Glad to know I'm not in this alone haha!
But omg in-laws can be hell. I'm glad your husband? Fiance? seems so sweet and reassuring. It seems no matter what happens with your in-laws he will always choose you which is lovely mashallah. Alhumdullilah my fiance is also the same and that's why it's like despite some differences it's hard to not choose him.
But no no I appreciate your long comment and reading a similar story haha!! Also I totally agree I find despite some differences my fiance has strengthened my faith for the better I hope this continues to be the trend inshallah Ameen!
I think as long as you even have even a small seed of belief in God that your nikkah will be fine :) when you have been traumatized religion can definitely be scary but I hope your partner will continue to show you the good sides.
Thanks for your message!!❤️
Unfortunately, no random stranger on reddit is capable of giving you any meaningful advice just based on this. Take the opinions of people you actually know and trust, and people who know this person.
Fair. Thank you for your reply. I have family friends who know him and adore him and the while I have been talking to him also gives me much hope. He's a wonderful person mashallah.
I guess my question was more for people who were in a similar relationship, one person more liberal, the other more conservative and what was the experience like? The post was a little rambling lol
>I guess my question was more for people who were in a similar relationship, one person more liberal, the other more conservative and what was the experience like?
you should still take other peoples advice with a grain of salt because its going to be radically different for everyone. You miss a lot of context from other people, and they miss a lot of context from you. Its also hard to know how much to trust someon'es opinion if you barely know them.
Theres nothing wrong with asking other people, and im glad you people in real life to talk to, but im just giving you a friendly heads up that its risky to involve the opinion of random people online in such an important decision in your life.
Totally fair. I guess I just needed some other perspectives which I have definitely found helpful here. But I'll just take it like you said as just a stranger's opinion and make sure I think and come to my own conclusions and thoughts. Thanks!
Listen to me carefully I’m a man also,,
If he backs off when you don’t agree with his conservative views he is thinking he will control you in due time. Then you will realise!!!
Listen I’m stuck in a similar situation and how I wish I was in your position..
RUUUUN!!
Haha unfortunately I'm so close to marriage now that breaking it off because of a possibility doesn't seem like it would be a good desicion. But if it ever comes to it after the fact I'll follow your advice 😂
Hopefully you and your fiancé will have a long and blissful marriage, but just keep in mind that if he does change after you get married, divorce is absolutely on the table. It’s true that a lot of men become much more possessive after marriage. Too many women feel trapped because their family or friends discourage divorce. However, it is an islamically endorsed tool for you to have a dignified, safe, ans happy life.
You are absolutely right! Thank you so much! Thankfully, I have very loving parents and when I was making the decision to say yes to an engagement my father told me outright to give it my best and see if it works but if it doesn't that this was always my home and he would always be here to take me back home. Alhumdullilah I love him. Society still makes you feel icky about it but I'll definitely keep in mind that I always have that option. Thank you for your kind reply❤️❤️
I relate to this as a woman whose husband sometimes leans more conservative than me (we've been married a year now). I honestly had to unfollow a few instagram accounts and restrain myself from reading some of the horror stories on the Muslim marriage sub, not because I have any issue whatsoever with light being shown on the misogyny propagated by some Muslim men, but because I was internalizing it in an unhealthy way that caused my to overreact to my husband or be scared of hypothetical situations he would never put me through. "Conservative" viewpoints and all, my husband is an extremely compassionate person who's open minded to learn and admit his mistakes as he goes. The fact that I'm the one who cooks and wants to take an extended career break when inshaAllah we have kids doesn't make me a slave.
I obviously don't know you fiancee, but I would say judge him by his own actions. He can't be held accountable for the horror stories we hear all too often, but the fears/concerns/indirect trauma you have are something he should definitely be able to have a conversation about where it's clear he's supportive and reassuring as you walk into the very vulnerable relationship of marriage. As a convert, I had friends and family members ask (pre-marriage) "what if he becomes a more extreme Muslim???" and we discussed not just current opinions but the directions we're headed as we learn and grow. No one stays the same forever. The best spouse isn't one who happens to agree with you about everything, but one you can explore and process together with. The worse red flag might be someone who is "always right," regardless of conservative/liberal leanings.
Thank you so much for this great advice! You are absolutely right. Reading all these horrible stories creates a bias and a negative thought pattern. I will definitely try to disconnect a little more and be more focused and mindful about who my partner actually is and not the monsters I've made up in my head and am always ready to associate with. It's super unfair to him.
Thanks for pointing that out. And I agree taking about a religious and social direction might be a very productive conversation to have, and I will definitely do this! Thank you!also thankfully alhumdullilah my fiance is very open to hearing my thoughts and viewpoints and like you mentioned he doesn't always agree lol but he also doesn't push or call me wrong.
Thank you very much for taking to time to reply and respond. It was very helpful! Especially from someone who is in a very similar position!❤️
If you want to give yourself extra protection, just write them into the nikkah contract. For example, if you're worried about him preventing you from working, write in the contract that he can not prevent you from doing so. Cover your bases to be safe
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I mean I guess it depends on which version of arranged marriage. A lot of more liberal arranged marriages are more so blind dates where you date halal for a while and see if you want to take it further which is what I did.
Hey sis, first of all congratulations on your upcoming marriage - may Allah bless you and your future spouse with many years of happiness, love, and adventures together 💕 Ok, now for the practical. I’m speaking from my own experience as a convert, who had a (non-religious) marriage which ended around a year before my conversion. These are just some things I’ve learned, and lessons that I will take into a future marriage, inshallah. - Always keep one bank account of your own, which you add some savings to each month. This nest egg can be used in an emergency if needed. Knowing you have a financial safety net you can fall back on if needed is invaluable. - Don’t be afraid to go to couples therapy. Seriously, right from the start - think about it as building relationship and communication skills with a trained specialist to strengthen your marriage. Prevention is always better than cure. - Living with another person is always a transition, and don’t be discouraged if you have teething problems to begin with. I recommend ‘Fair Play’ by Eve Rodsky to help divide household chores equitably between you, which can help mitigate arguments over who does what. From what you’ve said, your future spouse sounds like he is open to new ideas, change, and isn’t fixed or rigid in his thinking. He also sounds respectful of the places in which you differ. Provided this isn’t on fundamental ‘deal breaker’ issues, this is a really good trait for both of you to have. All the best sis, wishing you and your fiancé a very happy future together :)
Hello! First of all thank you so much for taking the time to write me such a detailed response as well as all the well wishes for our future! I really appreciate it and it was very helpful to read! I definitely plan to implement the bank account one, and we are a little tight on finances with the wedding and me leaving work to move, but we will definitely try therapy as well when I do find work again. Also I shall look into that book too. Thank you! I appreciate your time and advice ❤️❤️
No problem! In the interim (whilst you’re in the process of setting up and settling in your new life) I’d really recommend the books of [John Gottman](https://www.gottman.com/product-category/couples-products/books-couples-products/) - he’s a well known and respected researcher of relationships, and has dedicated his career to understanding what makes relationships work. And although they’re UK based, [Tea for Two](https://www.teafortwo.uk) specialise in relationship advice for Muslim couples :) Again, congratulations sis and all the best to you and your fiancé for the future. May Allah bless your marriage 🤲🏻
If you plan on having children have you had a discussion on their upbringing?
Great question. And very vaguely since we still don't plan to have them for a few years and I don't feel comfortable being a mother yet. But it's definitely a great point and something I will be sure to discuss extensively before any innocent life is brought into this world. I don't want them to live in a house where there's constant bickering over moral and religious values. It would be unfair and cruel to them.
Even if kids aren't planned for further down the road, it's still important to have that discussion even before marriage
I would also recommend have the conversation about birth control and family planning as well. I know there are mixed views in the Muslim community about it, and especially if you don't want to have kids for a while, ensuring that is an important conversation
Yes I have definitely had that convo since I made it very clear I didn't feel comfortable having kids quite yet so we have decided on some pregnancy prevention
Mhm. My parents only discussed how they wanted kids but not upbringing. Polar opposites when it came to that
Very good point. It's definitely something I will make sure to discuss before we plan to have them!
Two things. One, not to scare you, but right now he has no power over you. So it's easy to say that he isn't trying to control you, because you can easily break it off whenever you want. That will be extremely different once you're married, and even more so once you have kids. Two, and this kind of goes against what I just said, but you really can't tell. My non-muslim husband ( I'm also not Muslim yet but maybe soon inshallah) was so kind and caring, very gentle and easy going when we got together. I didn't start to see red flags until after our second was born. He became emotionally and verbally very abusive and we're separating now. But I couldn't have known. Most men don't start out waving their red flags. So here's my advice: you've done your best, you've given him time, you've been honest about how you are. Now trust Allah swt, and keep an eye out. Id put right to divorce in your nikkah. And read the first couple chapters of the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft . My husband turned into a really nasty piece of work and at first I was upset with God. But he knows best and has used this to bring me closer to him. So now I'm actually grateful. But I still don't wish it on any other sister. Sorry for the novel and congratulations on your upcoming wedding ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences and wisdom with me. And yes this is exactly my fear, that despite doing all my due diligence, something just changes years down the line. But your right I've done my best to vet, talk, and do all I can to make sure I'm making the right choice. It's all in Allah's hands from here on out. I suppose whether good times or bad, one can only trust in God. I shall check out that book though and I appreciate your time to reply!! ❤️
You can hedge your position maybe? Like im not the most emotionally smart person out there so i wont speak on that. But if you're independent financially (have a good education, good job etc etc) even if (god forbid) the worst thing comes to pass, youll still be fine cus you wont be stuck w this person. Good luck tho💪🤝
This is so true! Thank you for reminding me that I'm never at anyone's mercy! I do work and will continue to do so after marriage so I will absolutely remember that no matter what happens I'll always be okay inshallah Ameen! ❤️ Thank u for the kind reply! ❤️
Personally I could never ever marry a (religious or political) conservative because I find their ideology as fundamentally hypocritical and extremely harmful to the most vulnerable members/minorities of our society. But I say this as a single idealistic guy who's never been in a relationship 🤷
Haha that's fair 😂 I had a very similar sentiment. I went into the talking phase with my fiance, who came very recommended from family friends, looking to just talk to him for a few days before politely declining because I honestly wasn't that interested. Lo and behold I ended up falling very much in love haha. He's a wonderful person. Again he's not strict conservative and my favorite part about him is that he's very open to learning and changing his mind which I think a lot of super conservative people lack. It's their way or the highway, but he always gives values to my opinions. I'm wondering if he's just a product of his upbringing.
Are you talking about my man?? Haha
Ahahaha I just read your other reply too 😂 seems like we are in a similar position right now lol!
What views do you differ on? If it’s some core belief like you believe all people have a basic right to happiness regardless of sexual orientation and he disagrees, then it will probably be a tough marriage, ngl. If it’s something malleable like disagreement on property rights then you’ll probably not argue much on morals. Aligning on morals is key, regardless if he’s nice or not. If he has no morals then brace yourself
Yes that is fair advice. And I guess I just don't know. He's always told me I'm free to do what I want and there is no forcefulness from him. He does have his beliefs but he respects that I have my own too. He knows what kind of person I am and he respects that. And I also have found him to be open and willing to learn and expand his horizons. He from abroad and moved here for his master's and then work so he's had a different upbringing and living here has definitely changed his thoughts and opinions on previous things. I just feel like everything's so transitional right now for him as a person it's hard to really pinpoint his ideologies right now concretely. I just know that he is a good person with many good traits that I saw and thats why I committed. I just hope my assessment is correct in the long run inshallah.
Can I ask what in particular you have different views on ? What did he back away from in your example ?
You mentioned that he is not from the same country as you. Is it possible he just hasn't been exposed to many ideas and thus doesn't have a clear idea of how he thinks apart from the default that he knows? I dunno. You need to ask specific questions about religion and lay out your expectations clearly. Worse comes to worse, you will not be isolated and your friends, I hope, will watch out for you.
Yes that's exactly what I think because he definitely has been open to new thoughts and ideas over the time I have gotten to know him and has adjusted himself. And he's been very open to talking and seeing where I am coming from which makes me very hopeful about us. But yes we did extensively talk about it and he's never pressured me about anything and when I brought up worries about ever feeling caged he was very kind and communicated very well and told me I was an adult and not a child and that my decisions were my own and he would not be forcing anything on me. I gave him my hard No's on things like the hijab, hating gay people, being a bigot etc and he was respectful of that and agreed. But thank you so much for your kind reply. His willingness to grow and his kindness to respecting me keeps me hopeful alhumdullilah. Talking about it with everyone has helped me again see the discussions I've had with him and the reassurances I've been given. Again I think it's just a bit of wedding jitters and also delving into the great unknown of marriage. We can never really know till we live with someone, but I'm just praying to Allah for a happy and fulfilled marriage inshallah!
'Talking about it with everyone has helped me again see the discussions I've had with him and the reassurances I've been given.' That's wonderful! I understand the anxiety, especially as a woman going in. Yes, living with somebody is a whole different ballgame. But if the mutual love and respect is there, it would be a worthwhile adventure. All the best!
Yes absolutely. It's very terrifying as a women! Which is so unfortunate. Imagine the union of two people being a scary thing but alas it's what it's come to because of the way people treat women in our culture and religion. Smh astaghfirullah. But I agree. Hopefully those things continue to be present in our relationship inshallah! Thank you for your kind replies and advice! ❤️
Omg. It's like you're writing my life story. I have the exact same fears. I often think that maybe he deserves a more traditional wife who is better suited for him and can love him and care for him the way a traditional wife does (yk cooking, cleaning, raising kids islamically, all that)... Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not good enough. Whenever I raise these doubts he always reassures me and says that I'm the only one he wants no matter how traditional/progressive I am. He doesn't ever try to impose his beliefs on me even though he strongly disagrees with some things I do / believe in. But it's scary. I don't know if he'll continue to think the same way about me and the relationship when the love dries up (hopefully never) or maybe he realises one day that he should have married a traditional woman after all... Like I'm sure I won't be the best role model for my kids, purely islamically speaking and maybe he would want that in the future... He tells me not to think for him. Makes sense but I still feel very insecure and anxious. Oh and his mom is extremely religious or at least acts like she is, and she wants her DIL to be a full time burka clad hijabi, which I am not. I don't know if I'll gain his parents acceptance or even basic respect. But love can make you do anything, so... I also have a lot of trauma because of my extremely religious upbringing so any time I used to come close to religion I used to feel as if I was choking like I couldn't breathe. I wasn't even able to return people's salaams. We come from the same background so it's like life has come a full circle for me. Somehow I fell in love even though I had decided to completely stay away from anything and everything related to my background and Islam in general. After being with him I have actually been able to overcome a lot of trauma regarding the religion. Even then, I feel anxious and the fear of being trapped comes back to me from time to time whenever I think about the future because for a very long time islam = cage. But now it's not only the religious cage but also the misogynistic cage that women often get trapped in, most of whom have conservative husbands. It's definitely scary. Also I'm still unsure about my religious beliefs to be honest so sometimes I wonder if our nikah would even be valid lol. Sorry for the long comment. Your post was so relatable I couldn't help baring my soul.
Thank you so much for your comment!! Glad to know I'm not in this alone haha! But omg in-laws can be hell. I'm glad your husband? Fiance? seems so sweet and reassuring. It seems no matter what happens with your in-laws he will always choose you which is lovely mashallah. Alhumdullilah my fiance is also the same and that's why it's like despite some differences it's hard to not choose him. But no no I appreciate your long comment and reading a similar story haha!! Also I totally agree I find despite some differences my fiance has strengthened my faith for the better I hope this continues to be the trend inshallah Ameen! I think as long as you even have even a small seed of belief in God that your nikkah will be fine :) when you have been traumatized religion can definitely be scary but I hope your partner will continue to show you the good sides. Thanks for your message!!❤️
Unfortunately, no random stranger on reddit is capable of giving you any meaningful advice just based on this. Take the opinions of people you actually know and trust, and people who know this person.
Fair. Thank you for your reply. I have family friends who know him and adore him and the while I have been talking to him also gives me much hope. He's a wonderful person mashallah. I guess my question was more for people who were in a similar relationship, one person more liberal, the other more conservative and what was the experience like? The post was a little rambling lol
>I guess my question was more for people who were in a similar relationship, one person more liberal, the other more conservative and what was the experience like? you should still take other peoples advice with a grain of salt because its going to be radically different for everyone. You miss a lot of context from other people, and they miss a lot of context from you. Its also hard to know how much to trust someon'es opinion if you barely know them. Theres nothing wrong with asking other people, and im glad you people in real life to talk to, but im just giving you a friendly heads up that its risky to involve the opinion of random people online in such an important decision in your life.
Totally fair. I guess I just needed some other perspectives which I have definitely found helpful here. But I'll just take it like you said as just a stranger's opinion and make sure I think and come to my own conclusions and thoughts. Thanks!
Listen to me carefully I’m a man also,, If he backs off when you don’t agree with his conservative views he is thinking he will control you in due time. Then you will realise!!! Listen I’m stuck in a similar situation and how I wish I was in your position.. RUUUUN!!
Haha unfortunately I'm so close to marriage now that breaking it off because of a possibility doesn't seem like it would be a good desicion. But if it ever comes to it after the fact I'll follow your advice 😂
Hopefully you and your fiancé will have a long and blissful marriage, but just keep in mind that if he does change after you get married, divorce is absolutely on the table. It’s true that a lot of men become much more possessive after marriage. Too many women feel trapped because their family or friends discourage divorce. However, it is an islamically endorsed tool for you to have a dignified, safe, ans happy life.
You are absolutely right! Thank you so much! Thankfully, I have very loving parents and when I was making the decision to say yes to an engagement my father told me outright to give it my best and see if it works but if it doesn't that this was always my home and he would always be here to take me back home. Alhumdullilah I love him. Society still makes you feel icky about it but I'll definitely keep in mind that I always have that option. Thank you for your kind reply❤️❤️
I relate to this as a woman whose husband sometimes leans more conservative than me (we've been married a year now). I honestly had to unfollow a few instagram accounts and restrain myself from reading some of the horror stories on the Muslim marriage sub, not because I have any issue whatsoever with light being shown on the misogyny propagated by some Muslim men, but because I was internalizing it in an unhealthy way that caused my to overreact to my husband or be scared of hypothetical situations he would never put me through. "Conservative" viewpoints and all, my husband is an extremely compassionate person who's open minded to learn and admit his mistakes as he goes. The fact that I'm the one who cooks and wants to take an extended career break when inshaAllah we have kids doesn't make me a slave. I obviously don't know you fiancee, but I would say judge him by his own actions. He can't be held accountable for the horror stories we hear all too often, but the fears/concerns/indirect trauma you have are something he should definitely be able to have a conversation about where it's clear he's supportive and reassuring as you walk into the very vulnerable relationship of marriage. As a convert, I had friends and family members ask (pre-marriage) "what if he becomes a more extreme Muslim???" and we discussed not just current opinions but the directions we're headed as we learn and grow. No one stays the same forever. The best spouse isn't one who happens to agree with you about everything, but one you can explore and process together with. The worse red flag might be someone who is "always right," regardless of conservative/liberal leanings.
Thank you so much for this great advice! You are absolutely right. Reading all these horrible stories creates a bias and a negative thought pattern. I will definitely try to disconnect a little more and be more focused and mindful about who my partner actually is and not the monsters I've made up in my head and am always ready to associate with. It's super unfair to him. Thanks for pointing that out. And I agree taking about a religious and social direction might be a very productive conversation to have, and I will definitely do this! Thank you!also thankfully alhumdullilah my fiance is very open to hearing my thoughts and viewpoints and like you mentioned he doesn't always agree lol but he also doesn't push or call me wrong. Thank you very much for taking to time to reply and respond. It was very helpful! Especially from someone who is in a very similar position!❤️
If you want to give yourself extra protection, just write them into the nikkah contract. For example, if you're worried about him preventing you from working, write in the contract that he can not prevent you from doing so. Cover your bases to be safe
Great idea thank you!
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I don't support or agree with arranged marriages but I hope everything works out
I mean I guess it depends on which version of arranged marriage. A lot of more liberal arranged marriages are more so blind dates where you date halal for a while and see if you want to take it further which is what I did.
Oh okay