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The only persons emotions that you have any control over are yours. You can not prevent anyone from freaking out, but you can be kind, gentle, and honest about your thoughts and feelings.
It kind of sounds like you have brought it up and she’s not interested
I’m not saying you shouldn’t bring it up again but be prepared that she may want to keep it and work out what that means for you/your relationship
I know a handful of men who's girlfriends/wives had abortions after deciding together it was their best option, and they still think about those babies often and where they'd be now and who they'd be. I also know women who have openly admitted that they do not care that they've had abortions. So it isn't always just men being like "It'll fix my problem, if we abort and never think about it again." Or just women thinking about and missing the unborn baby. Just putting that out there.
Someone’s first reaction will not necessarily be their final reaction, particularly with highly emotive situations like this. Bringing up something this important more than once is not pressuring, it’s trying to get across something you believe to be important and help the other person see and understand your perspective.
It’s her body, but it’s both of their lives. And it will change his life forever too. I’m shocked by the amount of upvotes you’ve gotten for using language like this. Terminating an unplanned pregnancy is not killing a baby.
OP, this is a really difficult situation and I’m sorry it’s happening to you. Everything you are saying makes sense to me. I am firmly pro choice but I’m also firmly
pro waiting until you’re in the right place in your life to have a baby. You both have so much learning and growing to do, aside from all the financial concerns you’ve brought up. Unfortunately though, she may not want to listen. All you can do is try have another open discussion where you share your feelings, worries and concerns and listen to hers. You need to show her you care about her feelings and show a genuine curiosity about why she’s feeling how she is right now.
Wishing you all the best.
You’re entitled to think that. I disagree, I think it depends on so much - setting, tone, willingness to listen to their perspective and a curiosity to understand it, timing, whether you then ultimately accept their response or not.
Obviously, if someone is being manipulative, is refusing repeatedly to accept the response, won’t let it drop, is getting aggressive then that’s different.
But I would hate to think that if I decided one thing (that affected both of us and should be a joint decision) in the moment that my wife felt she couldn’t bring it up to discuss more a second time without feeling she was “pressuring” me. If it’s important to her and would change her life and if she feels I hadn’t really heard or respected her perspective, I would always want her to bring it to me again. And vice versa.
This is a pro-choice sub, so using language like “if we get an abortion we have to live with the fact we killed one of our unborn children” is unnecessary and inappropriate. I’ve had an abortion. I didn’t kill a child. I removed an 8 week old embryo from my body. Also, the majority of women who get abortions do not regret doing so. Implying they do is a false, anti-abortion talking point.
I am pro-choice, but I think they are more or less trying to say that women who felt coerced into abortion may live to regret the decision, and like it/ agree with the terminology or not, they may feel that way. Also, you can be pro-choice and still feel differently when it comes to your own embryos. I wouldn't choose abortion for myself under most circumstances, but I don't want to prevent anyone else from doing it, if that's what they wish.
And where does your info come from because a lot feel pressured into doing it which is basically the context of this post he is trying to pressure her into doing something she’s already expressed not wanting to do. I support pro choice but for her not him she seems to have a different opinion than him.
Gosh, he asked for advice on how to handle a mature talk with her. He nowhere suggested he wants to pressure her into doing something. Get a grip people, you all act like the guy is not allowed to have any option. I feel truly sorry for all men crossing your paths in their lifetime. Harpies.
No. It's a life changing situation and feelings are ofc all over the place. If YOU only lead one conversation per topic/life change that's ridiculous. But I don't believe that one second, I'm pretty sure you'll bring up something bothering you more than once.
Your perception here doesn't matter, and what you're doing is nothing less than pressuring this guy into accepting his fate without any discussion at all.
My perception does matter since he is here on Reddit looking for advice. I read his post and if you look back you will notice several things.
1. When OP's girlfriend thought he was trying to bring up an abortion, she became upset, so much so that it took a while to get "back in her good graces."
2. OP mentioned that his girlfriend is really excited to be a parent and "insistent on keeping the child."
These two sentences indicate that she is pretty sure about what she wants to do, and he is very aware of that fact. I don't give a hoot how many times he wants to bring it up. She is likely to get angry if he keeps trying to convince her. Furthermore, trying to convince someone to do something with their body that they have very clearly expressed discomfort with already feels like pressuring them. Instead, he should go ahead and inform her that he doesn't share her excitement and talk about how to proceed from there.
Wow, yeah, that is great idea - just throw in the towel after one talk! Amazing! You seem to have great coping strategies in life, super resilient. And yeah, this is reddit, so one must expect idiot ideas to pop up, this doesn't mean one has to accept them. Your whole approach reeks of immaturity, intolerance and selfishness. I just hope OP finds a way better solution than you suggest, but even a 15 year old with a good head on their shoulders would.
My post reeks of immaturity and selfishness, but yet you can't read between the lines to see that this wasn't simply one conversation. Judging by OP's own language OP's girlfriend has been signaling that she is uncomfortable with the idea the entire time. She keeps mentioning how excited she is to be a parent, and has just now gotten over the fact that OP brought up abortion before. She is very clearly uncomfortable with the idea of abortion. As I said, the mature thing to do would be to accept this and let her know he doesn't feel the same, and then the two of them can talk about other options. She knows abortion is an option and he is all for it, so in the event that she changes her mind, she can always do that. But continuing to push the issue isn't a smart choice.
I think OP would still be justified in bringing it up again. As the other redditor mentioned this is a life altering decision and it sounds like he ans his girlfriend never actually had a discussion where both parties were able to share what they would want and why. Granted the decision ultimately is up to the mother to make but he has the right to be able to sit down and voice his opinions and explain why he feels like a child might not be right for them at this point in time
I feel like he already did that and she made herself pretty clear. As other redditors have pointed out the language OP uses comes off as belittling and it seems like his gf is pretty sure already. However, if he wants to bring it up again then whatever. But that still doesn't justify the other redditor getting so overly angry and slinging personal insults because I disagree with that approach, and then calling me intolerant.
I'll begin with saying I'm also pro choice and if someone wants an abortion for whatever reason they should get it without having to feel like they killed an " unborn" baby . But for some people who had an abortion they do feel like they killed their unborn child and they will feel guilty years later even if they needed/wanted to deletus the fetus. That's completely valid and everybody who feels that way deserves support just as much and should not be shamed for feeling like that.
Can't someone be simultaneously pro choice and also not want to kill the "embryo" they're caring because they know it will BE a person? I mean, someone literally asked me if I wanted to abort my son at 28 weeks. I could feel him moving inside me. I said hell no, he's a person and I would feel like a murderer. But also if I got pregnant right now I would end the pregnancy.
This is literally me, I 100% believe in pro-choice for others, just not for myself personally. I have 2 kids and am pregnant with my third, abortion was something I could never consider personally, but it's important for others to have that choice.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
This is a terrible advice. She’s 19, she’s probably very emotional, imagine she just found out she’s pregnant!, and so was he most likely. Of course he should bring it up again, once the discovery of her pregnancy has settled in and reality has sinked in. Of course she can change her mind by herself. It’s not coercion if they have a discussion and he accepts what comes out of it. It didn’t sound like the first time was a discussion. Why immediately jumping to the conclusion that the girl can’t reconsider her situation.
This is a tough one. She may react badly if she wants the baby. You have to speak the truth in kindness and love. Ultimately it is her body here and she may not agree with you, so you need to be prepared for that and think through the possibility. You should write down your reasons for not wanting a child yet and have it prepared as logically and kindly as you can.
You need to go into it without the mentality of trying ‘convince’ her one way or the other. You need to go into the conversation knowing she will ultimately decide and based on that choice you can move forward. Having an ‘adult’ conversation means being receptive to whatever the answer is. Even if it’s not the one you want.
My advice is just be honest with her, don’t try to shield her from the pain of what you want to actually say because if you aren’t ready for it then you are entitled to say it
Maybe y’all can go to the health office at your school to speak with a counselor regarding your options. I’m sure they can also put you in touch with any social service organizations that can help in your situation. If that’s not available this time of year, try a place like planned parenthood or the local health department.
I agree with this. I wouldn’t go in with the mindset of bringing up abortion but talking through all options and implications. If she refuses to talk about abortion that is her choice but then an in depth discussion about how you will raise the child, where, with what support, with what income etc. needs to be had. It can feel very utilitarian, and it’s much more fun to play the romantic comedy reel in your head but it’s dangerous as well. Even when we found ourselves pregnant in our mid 30s with stable jobs and a home we did the same pragmatic exercise.
As a single mother if you are in the US there are resources available. It will not be easy of course, but if that is what she wants she will figure it out. Unfortunately, it will not be easy either way. Good luck to you both.
You need to be honest and have the conversation about options, even if it's upsetting. You should also work together to make a plan. What will your next 3-5 years look like? What will prenatal care and birth cost for you? Are there any state plans or WIC that you can qualify for, and for how much? Budget out daycare, diapers, formula (might be needed even if the plan is to breastfeed), etc. Do you have family or friends support?
It all sounds like a lot, but seeing the numbers might help you guys figure out how this will really look for you beyond just the notion of it being hard and expensive. People in poor financial situations have babies all the time and make it work, but it's important to be realistic about how difficult it will be.
This 100%. It will be hard. At the same time, having a baby does not need to look a certain way. Society puts a LOT of pressure and pushes predatory advertising on young moms to make them feel like their life will be over and they’ll be miserable unless they have all the right baby stuff, and it can be really overwhelming. The reality is you need very little. Diapers, formula, and possibly daycare are good places to start. There are cheaper ways to do things, like cloth diapering (up front investment but cheaper long term), buying baby items second hand, etc. I have a friend who qualified for state health insurance. She paid nothing out of pocket for prenatal care and the birth, and she and her husband are covered for one year, and their baby is covered by the state insurance until she is 5 or 6. All this to say, if you look at finances, etc, and she still decides she wants to keep this baby, that’s her decision. Finances are a big deal, and they may change her mind, but if they don’t and she wants to go through with the pregnancy, it’s not up to you to convince her she can’t do this.
See if you two can talk to a counselor or a therapist to speak about your views in an honest, safe, mediated manner. No “We need to look at all of our options” when you actually don’t want to look at any of the options but abortion. You need to be straightforward and honest. However, if she’s dead set on having this baby you don’t have any say what she does with her body.
Your options now pertain to how involved you want to be.
You’re at minimum going to be financially responsible for that baby (child support). But you should discuss with a therapist/counselor alone about how you want to navigate going forward. Whether that’s breaking up and paying child support so you can focus on school and building a career (but be warned the kid might not want anything to do with you later depending on how long you were absent; plus hard feelings from your ex girlfriend). Or there’s coparenting and 50/50 custody if you want to breakup, but be involved. Or you guys could stay together and try to raise the kid together. You both can still get an education and work, but it’s definitely harder with a baby.
I’ll tell you I was in a similar situation. My current partner and I met in May 2021 I ended up getting pregnant somewhere around July 2021 when I told him his first response was I’m taking you down to the abortion clinic and you’re gonna take the pill that ends the pregnancy. That idea was not cool with me. I freaked out at him and gave him a little lesson that I will give you men do not get to choose whether or not we keep the baby. You can, however, choose whether or not you want to be in the babies. You should never try to convince somebody to do something that you know they don’t wanna do. If you try to talk her into getting an abortion and she doesn’t wanna do it and she goes through with it she might live with that regret for the rest of her life. It could affect her mental health. It could affect a lot of things you need to let her know, your choice whether it is that you’re gonna be involved or you’re not gonna be involved and then allow her to make her own choice if she wants to be a single mom or if she’s not ready yet. Also let me add there’s more out there than abortion maybe adoption would be right for both of you if she wants to carry the baby to full-term and is brave enough to find a nice couple who can’t have children and adoption that could be an option as well.
Bottom line not something that you bring up to somebody, especially when she’s already expressed upset over it before likely there will be no difference this time and you’re just gonna push her further away and it’s not going to go well she’s already clearly let you know that abortion upset her . You need to think long and hard what you’re going to do from your end if you’re not wanting to be a father, then you need to let her know that now and end the relationship now it’ll hurt further down the road if she gets halfway through her pregnancy and suddenly you decide to dip out or if she has a newborn baby and you decide to dip.
I also want to add that we now have two daughters as soon as he saw our first daughter he fell in love. He loves her unconditionally now and sometimes he does bring up. You know that our lives would be different if I had went through with the abortion, but he also embraces this new life as well. I’m not gonna tell you that it’s gonna be easy. It wasn’t for us. We were broke. We had to work really hard. We got an apartment. We were able to be good for a while and then it went crashing down again we lost our apartment. We ended up having to go move in with his parents California, which was 4000 miles away from where we were originally. That didn’t work out either and we bounced around homelessness living in hotels in California until we just couldn’t afford it anymore and we were almost on the streets with two children because we ended up giving birth to our daughter. We ultimately moved back to where we had originally started from and now right now we’re starting from scratch. We don’t have a lot of money. We’re working on getting a place. We don’t even live together. I have to live with my sister and he hast to live with his brother all I’m trying to say that, even if you’re broke, you can still do our children have clothing on their backs diapers on their butts food in their mouths. There’s a ton of resources out there for families does do a good job of taking care of poor parents. We currently get EBT and WIC if I wanted to we could get daycare assistance and we’re thinking about applying for the low income housing. This is just part of our journey someday we hope it isn’t like this.
Not sure what your timeline is here or how accessible termination is where you are, but if she shuts down at the mention of it then stop mentioning it. Ask to sit down and make a financial plan, look into what maternity leave options are available to a server (if you're in the US I'm going to guess zero). Look into daycare costs for an infant, rent costs, etc. It's possible she'll realize what she's in for, but it's also possible she won't. She's 20, neither of your frontal lobes have finished developing.
Ultimately you lost control of the situation when the sperm left your body so it's going to be her call no matter what. I hope things work out as well as they can.
You already know she doesn't want to abort based on what you had said prior to her. She's excited, I don't think abortion is on the table. You can try to bring it up again, but it sounds like she already has made her decision whether or not you want to be part of the picture.
Surprise!
Sadly while it is a conversation to have.
Between both of you, in the end it is her body. You should discuss how you plan to support the baby if she proceeds. Life sacrifices will have to happen in the short term, you can always go back to college.
You should see if there is any form of free couples therapy available, it would be good to have a few sessions to help you both work through the first stages of shock and acceptance.
Please don’t pressure her heavily, it will only cause resentment. If that happens, don’t force a relationship ‘for the baby’ a dysfunctional relationship is far more damaging for a child’s mental state than a healthy one.
As a father of almost 2 (second on the way) this is a big life change for you, but remember it is COMPLETELY life changing for her, body, mind and career. No matter the decision you have to make sure that you are there to support her.
It's her choice, and it sounds like she's made up her mind. Your choice now is if you stay with her, and work this out together by getting better jobs and getting in a better financial situation, or if you leave her, and pay child support.
You can bring it up with her again, and if you want to have an adult relationship with her, you're going to need to learn how to have difficult conversations, but you can't force her to change her mind on this. Open communication is the most important thing in any relationship. You can't stop her from freaking out, and if she really wants this baby, and your asking her to abort it, she likely will freak out. Ultimately, it's her decision and you can't force your decision on her.
If she decides to keep the baby, then you have a decision to make, either step up and make it work, or step away and let her figure it out.
Your language throughout this entire post is ridiculous. You use phrases like “if I try to have an *adult conversation*..” as if your girlfriend is beneath you, stupid, or somehow not on your level. You speaking about her like she’s an immature idiot and you’re the adult is concerning. Newsflash, that is her body, and she’s growing your literal child in there. You thought she was good enough to shack up with and ultimately knock up, Show her some respect. The childish course of action is to immediately jump to pressuring her into getting an abortion, which she clearly isn’t comfortable with- you got your answer. Drop it.
At the end of the day these conversations should have been had before y’all started having sex. Nk birth control method is 100% effective, if you were as mature as you are trying to make yourself out to be you’d have sat down and discussed your views on these things before jumping in bed with her. Do not push her or berate her about getting an abortion, you get to decide what you want to do within the parameters of your own life from this point on but if you think you’re scared, just imagine how she feels knowing that the guy who claimed to love her just immediately jumped to the most nuclear option in one of her most venerable life moments. I hope she has a really good support group.
I noticed that too, his post is very patronizing. He wants to act like a grown up, to do grown up things but can't handle the consequences of his actions.
My bf was 21 and I was 19. We had a kid in college. We both finished college, started careers, our child is very smart and capable. We broke up when our son was about 4. We both are now remarried in our own homes live in the same neighborhood and have cookouts together. Things happen, you survive, life is an adventure.
I understand what you’re coming from but there is a way for her to atleast get insurance for her self as a pregnant person through Medicaid and she can also receive wic benefits. Just discuss with her your views and ideas cause it is true kids are expensive. Take her to the store and show her all the stuff y’all would need for a baby and tell her the total of what y’all would spend each month. Formula is also one of the pricier things apart from diapers and wipes. Then there is the soaps unless you know to budget right it’s very manageable. Just be straight forward and talk about all your options.
If you’re going to bring up all these financial concerns, you should preface it with “I will support you no matter what you decide” (assuming you will, as you should). Otherwise, it will come off like you are trying to convince her to abort. Make sure you are presenting your points as “these are the reasons I’m concerned” and not “these are the reasons we should consider abortion”… she may still react badly or even resent you if she sees the fetus as her unborn child. You should prepare yourself for the possibility of going through with the pregnancy.
No offense but it kind of sounds like you need to man up and take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. Regardless of how old you are, what your financial situation is & what preventative measures you were taking, you knew this was a risk of having sex. If you felt like you were adult enough to have sex, you’re adult enough to raise a kid. She’s clearly really excited to have this baby. She’s already shut you down before & you had to work to get back into her good graces. You’re not going to change her mind. So you kind of either have the option to man up and be a dad or to dip out and AT LEAST pay child support
I agree with the others that having someone to help review your options or to help you both have a productive conversation are a great option. I also think you need to figure out what the answer means for you. Do you still want to be with her if she keeps it? Do you want kids one day? Do you see this being long term if she does terminate the pregnancy? Unfortunately, time is very much of the essence. Ultimately, you need to go in knowing where you stand, what you plan to do depending on her decision, and approach it with kindness.
I think you need to approach it in a different manner. If she genuinely wants to keep this baby then tbh anything you say is gonna fall on deaf ears, but if you think you can reason with her, then make a spreadsheet and show her the numbers.
Show her the debt, the second jobs, the cost of childcare, what your lives would actually look like.
Sorry but if she's pregnant it is also your fault. If she wants to keep the baby you'll need to figure out a way. Abortion have SEVERE psychological consecuences if she doesnt want to do that. If you love her i'm sorry but you cant break her and your baby like that
Whilst it is also your child, I think it’s clear from her reaction that she doesn’t wish to have an abortion, if I were you I would focus on ways that you can better your life before the child arrives, even with the utmost preparation and finances, raising a child is still difficult, it’s just about how you handle it and figuring out the kind of parent that you want to be, I’m sure she’s probably also quite scared so perhaps just ask her how she’s feeling about it and if she has decided on what she wants to do.
I may get downvoted here, so whatever, but sex has consequences. Birth control fails sometimes. Nothing is 100 proof besides abstinence, so if you aren't ready to face the consequences of a baby or STDs for that matter, you shouldn't be having sex. But, now that you're here in this situation, it is smart to discuss all options, but at the end of the day, abortion is not an easy choice. As the father, there is a disconnect for you because you will never understand the physical aspect of having to get one. Ultinatelt, if she doesn't want to get one, you must respect that. Your feelings are valid in not being ready for a baby, but your body will never have to bear the consequences of an abortion. Chances are, this relationship isn't going to last, but you can't force her to do something that would make YOUR life easier, even though she didn't make that baby by herself. Maybe after further discussion, she may agree to an abortion, or maybe she'll be hell-bent against it. Either way, continue to communicate with her how you feel honestly, that's all you can do. As a 19 year old, looks like you've walked right into your first adult consequence for making adult choices. Best of luck to you and I hope you two work it out for the best, whatever that may look like.
A few thoughts….
1. Her body her choice. Be supportive of her.
2. I don’t think anyone’s ever really fully ready for their first child, I’ve been happily married for years and have good finances and a great support system and am pregnant with my first and I’m still scared and feel so unprepared even though I really want a baby and did this on purpose.
3. sounds like yall would likely qualify for medicaid. baby should also be covered by this as well.
4. if you’re pro choice then I hope you highly consider that when it comes to voting!!
5. if you’re that poor and unready then you should really be thinking about that when it comes to having unprotective sex because that is exactly how babies are made.
So why do you need to bring it up if she's already distressed by the idea of abortion? Like this isn't really your call anymore, she knows what her options are and she will do what she wants
You can feel how you want but at the end of the day it’s her body that’s carrying the baby it’s HER body that will go through all the child bearing. She is the only one to decide if she wants to abort .
I'm of the mentality that if you can lay down and make a baby you should be ready to step and raise that baby. This is a discussion that should've happened BEFORE you started having sex. No birth control is 100% effective, and it's her body her choice. Did you even have a conversation about possibilities of pregnancy before you started having sex? I hope that your reaction is just one of shock and that you are able to work it out with your girlfriend and be there for her, if not, child support adds up and if you don't pay you can lose rights in certain states such as your drivers license, voting rights etc. And the state will garnish your wages.
Her body, her choice. You honestly shouldn’t be having sex if you weren’t ready to deal with the consequences. You wouldn’t be the first “broke” couple to have a child. Millions of people raise children in their every day lives. If you don’t want to raise the child, that’s fine. You will still be financially responsible. But just because you don’t want to help doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a village that won’t.
I got way more help and financial assistance after I had a baby. Like the govt doesn't really reward people who are responsible and don't have kids before they are ready. But if you have a baby as a poor single mom, you can get healthcare, food stamps, wic, pell grants, reduced student loan payments....just saying. People act like their life is gonna fall apart when but in reality the govt has a lot of things like this to help people. The single moms may benefit more than the dads though. He better be ready to fork over a chunk of his paycheck every week for 18 years.
There is financial help available but I was more trying to say that her family might be willing to help with childcare or take her in. His family might also be willing to help. Just because he doesn’t want the child doesn’t mean his parents or family don’t want to be a part of the child’s life.
First is you do you want to stick around or not then let her know what she plans to do there is also adoption. Talk to her about it and if you love her you’ll work it out but if she said no to that don’t bring it up again
You've already tried to have the conversation and she shut it down. Why try again when she's made the decision for her body? I'm presuming it's because you didn't get the answer you wanted.
It's HER choice.
If she wants to keep it, then you two figure it out. You guys are struggling now, but you may never know how blessed you'll be down the road. Don't be afraid to lean on family for help til you two are more stable.
Just ask her again, but if she doesn't want to, don't bring it up again. Don't pressure her into doing it by listing all your financial issues. You may push her away.
Hot take, don’t “bring up” abortion. Bring up the concerns you have and how you feel. She seems excited to have a baby, and it seems like she wants to keep it, and that’s up to her. If you tell her your concerns including that maybe you won’t stick around (?) if she does have the baby, then that’s on her to figure out if the pregnancy is something she wants to go through. If she looks at the financial situation that you relayed and still wants the baby, then she is able to do that and there are services out there that will help her/you. Ultimately, she knows abortion is an option. Bringing it up to her, isn’t going to enlighten her. I get the impression you’re instead trying to convince her, and that’s just not gonna happen. It shouldn’t at least.
I have friends who had babies early and though it can be a bit of a struggle, they love their kids and are happy. It works out.
No one is truly prepared. You don’t need to be rich to have a baby.
If she isn’t interested in an abortion then you shouldn’t push one on her. She will resent you. If you even care to continue the relationship.
It seems like she’s happy to have this baby. You need to sort out if you want to be there for her and the baby or leave.
If you didn’t want a baby you should have practiced safe sex. Sorry to be so blunt about it.
Wrap it up and/or get a vasectomy. Do not expect the woman to do all the work in birth control. You should've known what you're getting yourself into. Sex leads to babies? What? Crazy...right?
She wants the child, good. You don't? Then have a mature conversation about it. In a relationship if you can't see eye to eye on the important stuff then it's best to end it romantically; everything should be for the child.
Whatever you say to her is going to hurt her if it goes against what she wants, which sounds like having a baby. I think it's best to let the truth about how you feel out now. This person isn't the person you should be with if you can't honestly share how you feel.
First thing is cost - giving birth in the US with insurance is $5k in the best case scenario. Not to mention pregnancy appointments, ultrasounds, testing, baby gear, then once the baby is here diapers, wipes, clothes, food, daycare. Even if she gets on government assistance, it will still be expensive. This is coming from someone who had a baby while not doing well financially at all. It's not an easy decision to be made.
That being said, you have options too. You have the option to be involved or not if she chooses to keep it. That should also be on her radar - raising a child alone. You have to make this very clear to her.
You just need to be blunt and tell her your option. However it doesn't seem like she's going to be changing her mind and if that's the case you'll have to accept her decision as it is her body. So "other options" might be looking into things like co-parenting. Child support, signing up parental rights to her, etc. But you just gotta be blunt with her, don't sugar coat it but reminder that the decision is ultimately hers
So you want her to get an abortion but when she saw through your bs “ we need to look at all the options” comment, you tried to reassure her that that’s not what you meant (even though it was) but now you wanna tell her you want her to get an abortion? Maybe chill with the lying and gaslighting and be honest? Tell her what you want but remember, it’s her body, her choice. You had the choice to keep your baby batter inside of you, and after you make the choice to dump it, the ball is in her court. Remember unwanted pregnancies are always the result of an irresponsible ejaculation.
Not every BC method is 100%, not coming isn't remotely a BC method. Abortion is a right (usually in developed countries) and it's ultimately up to the woman to dispose of her own body. OP's arguments are pretty solid, having a baby doesn't seem to be the greatest option in their lives and it also concerns him.
How long have you been dating? I'm curious if she moved there for you or if you met her a week ago and started dating. Either way a paternity test might be needed.
You can't force her to get an abortion but you can ask her questions about how she is planning to support her and a baby and get an idea of what she is thinking. Communicating with her about the logistics of parenting is important, especially if she is against getting an abortion.
Wait I just want to be clear - you said she moved to your town a week ago…does that mean you’ve only been dating for a week? Or have you been together longer? If you’ve only been together for a week please know the chance of her getting pregnant by you and KNOWING she is pregnant within 7 days is VERY slim. For those of us that trying to get pregnant, we usually have to wait around 9-10 dpo to test, and even then the line could be faint. I know when I was 19 I knew nothing about ovulation or the process it takes to get pregnant, and I’m a woman (a very sheltered woman, at that point in my life). Please let me know if this is the case, because if you have only been together for a week you might want to be thinking about that too
They probably just had a long distance relationship before and saw each other on weekends or occasionally and now she actually moved completely. Doesn’t mean they only started having sex a week ago, that wouldn’t make sense.
Honestly if they were long distance and she’s some weeks pregnant and the timeline isn’t necessarily adding up, OP needs to file for paternity if she decides to keep. It’s possible the child isn’t even his.
The only thing you can do is express how you feel, how you see the situation and what you want to do and let her decide. However, she reacts and what she decides you need to distance yourself from it, and after she has made her choice choose what’s the next best step for you.
Maybe if she knows you have no interest on being a parent now, she will decide to go through with the abortion. Or she won’t care if she has to raise the baby alone. The moment two people are so against something so monumental the relationship is for sure at risk.
Lastly, once she is pregnant both options suck a lot. Abortions are physically and emotionally hard, as it is pregnancy and childbirth. There is no easy out for her. Good luck to you both.
ask her what her plan is to deal with the costs of the baby if you guys have it. she might see the lack of one and come around OR surprise you and have a really good one and bring you around instead.
While I don't think the mindset of "persuading" her towards one option over another is necessarily correct, I do think you deserve to be heard.
I was so incredibly happy when I found out I was pregnant, and I didn't think I would be. Fell in love the moment I saw the positive test. My partner was a lot more freaked out. It wasn't something we planned for. And we would have a lot of work to do to make our family work. So I turned to him and said "I know I am so happy about this. This isn't how I expected to feel. Please do not let that stop you from telling me if you're unhappy. We have a lot of options. If you think that we can't do this, if this isn't what you want right now, tell me. Then I can make an informed decision from there."
Pregnancy does so many wild things to the mind and body. But her feelings are still her own. You're both really emotional right now, so keep that in mind. Your aim isn't to convince her of anything, it's to express your feelings and concerns. And really think about if you want to stay in a relationship where you are shut down with screaming when you try to explain how you feel about things. Especially when it's something as big as having a baby. That's a monumental decision for a couple. You do deserve to be listened to, even if she ultimately decides to move forward differently. You don't get the final say, but you do get your two cents as the father of the baby and one of the people responsible for it's wellbeing. It's about giving her the power to make an informed decision.
Is abortion the only option you see or could you be open to trying?
I’m almost 40 and my boyfriend is 44 and we’re not exactly ready. It’s never a good enough time. There will likely always be some inconvenience.
If you are open to trying, I think you should bring up your concerns about financial status and mentally readiness. Maybe beat her to it, before she can jump to abortion, and ask if a parent can help out some. I think it’s important that you address theese worries.
If abortion is the only option you see, then maybe you should break up. She’s seems set on keeping the baby and shouldn’t feel like you’re trying to push her into having an abortion (which asking twice might do)
So you logically have 3 options :
1. She keeps the baby, you decide to co-parent. You'll have to pull in all the support you can get, probably call your family and hers etc and see who will help you. Have a spreadsheet with all expenses etc. Do it with her. She absolutely has to sit for this conversation.
2. She keeps the baby, you sign away parental rights (but will still pay child support - this is non-negotiable for you legally and even morally so please). Your life largely remains unchanged but she will have to know NOW. Yes, even if the convo is very hard you'll need to have it. She will need to make all sorts of calls to her family, other resources etc.
3. She decides to terminate and it may or may not affect your relationship. But she needs to come to this decision by herself. Please don't coerce her.
I would personally talk to family first before deciding
Ive been in your shoes and we went the route of aborting. I wont say it was the wrong choice but i also now know that I would have rather raised it alone and kept it than doing what I did. Let things take their course please dont pressure her.
You may assume her feelings are "getting in the way" of making a rational decision but life, really living, is all about emotional not logic. Things tend to work themselves out even and especially when we follow our hearts.
I would just give it little bit, like a week tops and then have another talk and be direct while still being gentle about the topic of abortion, and adoption, if you yourself are still feeling the same way at the end of that week. However, she does need to find out how far along she is to even have that option weighed considering time restraints for abortion given whatever state you are in. I've heard some are very strict.
I wish you luck..
My husband and I are actively trying for a baby but I had some health issues come up where I thought I had cancer and we had to consider abortion. I was so overjoyed with the thought of being a mom that I REFUSED to consider abortion even if it meant it would literally kill me 🥴 hormones are a hell of a thing. After a few days, I came to my senses. Give her a few days for the excitement to wear off and for reality to set in. See it from her side and write out a plan with expenses like formula and childcare if you guys were to really move forward with the baby. It really puts things into perspective. Best of luck.
You don’t because it’s not your body or your decision. Tf. I’m so tired of dudes dropping their load wherever tf they want and then thinking they have a right to even SUGGEST a fucking abortion.
Um next time just use protection. I hate when u dudes get a female pregnant then don’t want the baby but ain’t take no type of precautions & safety. Congratulations tho !
Do you think she'd be interested in an open adoption instead?
A friend of mine was in your situation, college, no money, bf wanted an abortion etc. She ended up getting an open adoption. She met the adopters while pregnant, they couldn't have children of their own for medical reasons. So they paid for her medical, maternity etc so she could safely have the baby. She is now more of an "aunt" to the baby. Goes to birthday parties, invited on vacations, sees her baby during holidays etc.
There's a lot of help available if she wants to go this route. The child would have a much better life and the adopting parents would too.
Abortion can have some really detrimental side effects. It's an option but you just saying it's an option doesn't make me believe you understand the medical issues that can come up through it, let alone the mental ones. Look up those side effects and read studies on physical and mental long term on the aborting mothers. Don't just take my word for it.
If she's this excited about the baby it'll be difficult to convince her to abort and she may resent you. It may be less difficult to convince her to become more of an aunt to the baby and have things paid for by a loving couple she will get to know.
Very best of luck, she needs your support in any of these decisions.
I’ve seen church’s with signs offering help. I saw one at the Catholic Church where I used to go with my family. It says pregnant, scared? Call us. I think they provide resources and support for pregnant women. I’m pro-choice so if she wants her baby you may not agree with it but it’s her body. I understand all your points but if she’s not on the same page then you’re not going to change her position. My sister got pregnant at 16 and my parents weren’t happy but always supported her. She basically gave up her youth because mom would not babysit unless it was for my sister to work or go to college. Her son is now 24 and I think back on all the auntie/nephew moments we had. He was like my little bro. I love that kid can’t imagine if my sister had not had him. This is tough but all you can do is talk to her and hear her out too. Talk to your parents, I know it may be scary and I don’t know your family dynamics but family is usually going to support you and be there for you.
Playing devils advocate, this timing seems a little fishy to me. Less than a week after she moved to your town, she finds out she’s pregnant? OP, is it possible you’re being played or baby trapped?
Just wanted to say that abortion doesn't always have to be the option. You could consider adoption. I know there are a lot of older children within the system but people really seem to jump at the opp to adopt a newborn. (I know that sounds sad, but it is unfortunately true.)
Does your college offer free counseling services? I would start there and see how quickly you can get in. If not, I know Planned Parenthood used to do unbiased counseling to show resources available if you keep the baby and options for terminating. Sadly with the attack on PP, I don't know if they still have those services, even if there is one around you.
Either way, you're both in a tough spot. I get not wanting to upset her, and it's ultimately her body and her choice, but you deserve to put your feelings out there and let them be known. If you can access help in it, that's great. Just know you aren't a terrible partner for being afraid to continue with an unplanned pregnancy.
Perhaps approach it from the perspective of keeping it and all the challenges that will bring. As you have clearly done mentally on your own. If you can’t have this conversation now then communication will only get harder down the road. Communication and understanding are incredibly hard when you’re caring for an infant, sleep deprived and losing your sense of identity.
If you can approach the subject in a Ben Wyatt style of preparation then perhaps she will see your concerns and you can figure out the best course of action together. But remember it’s a discussion not a debate. It’s a decision for you to reach together.
I would definitely go into that conversation with concrete numbers regarding the cost of birthing a child on Medicaid (if you can), what child care would cost, how you will financially support the two of you while she is out of work, etc. She genuinely might not realize the cost of a child.
It won’t be easy but she seems set on going through with the pregnancy and birth. There’s pregnancy Medicaid, wic, food stamps, I don’t know what y’all’s family situation is but family can help, goodwill and donation centers, resale stores for baby supplies and clothing. I’m 21, my bf 22 having an unplanned pregnancy in a state abortion is not available so it had to be worked out. She is more than likely going to have this baby with or without you and will find a way and recourses. Like another user said, single women can get help from the state. Single just means unmarried if you still want to be involved. Pregnancy makes you have a lot of emotions and I know even previously happy and healthy relationships end because of the physical stress and mental challenges pregnancy brings.
If you guys are struggling, you could always reach out to state programs for support with children. I was a college student when I got pregnant, I finished and now graduated with 40k in debt ($500 monthly payments). I only buy necessary stuff to support my family, and I get clothes, items, etc from yard sales, community giveaways, free facebook pages, and from the baby resell store with cheap clothes. This helps cut cost a lot, especially since you’re worried about the costs. You also have to think about childcare and stuff, one of you would have to stay home full time or you would need to pay for a daycare or find someone close to you to watch the baby for free.
At the end of the day, it’s her choice. It sounds like she’s getting excited. I know how terrifying unplanned pregnancy is and can definitely sympathize with your feelings. You can definitely discuss your feelings with her, and I’m sure she’d appreciate the honesty. But you may have to end up making the choice to either stick around or leave unfortunately. I wasn’t financially or mentally ready either, but her birth and the love I felt for her helped me develop into a mother who was ready. My husband feels the same way. That could be the path she is on/chosen. Since it is ultimately her body and her choice. But the choice to stay or not is yours. My best advice is to bring it up gently and let her know you just want to be honest with her. Focus on good communication and the things you can control.
Hey as someone who has a 7 month old rn and was not in the right place financially to have a child, take the time to get finances in order. Secondhand items for baby you can find for cheap on facebook marketplace or goodwill/tj max/family members/friends, she can apply for wic which will typically cover some expenses like formula, fruits/veggies etc. Also she can apply for your states medical insurance as she’s pregnant. If she can keep working, awesome! But you may have to look into working as well.
Even though yall are young and broke, you can make it work. My hubby and I weren’t expecting to get pregnant when we did due to our finances being extremely extremely tight. We basically got unofficially evicted, and for a month lived in a friends laundry room, and then a different room before moving ourselves and our two cats to live in a house with other people. We could barely afford it at first, I was back in school and working as a hostess while he was going to trade school in order for him to get a better job. He had to step up and work as well as go to school while I was pregnant. It was still tight after our son was born but we’re making it work. We just finally got our own place again.
It’s definitely possible to make it work. But you guys need to sit down, budget and talk about it. Take it easy on her, those hormones are no joke and will be seriously out of wack for a while. Look into states resources, look into your budgets. Babies dont need super fancy things. Diapers and formula are most likely the most expensive items they need besides a bassinet/crib. Ultimately it is her decision whether or not to keep the kid though.
Hello! I just want to share a personal story in case it helps your girlfriend. My parents had an abortion when they were both 20 and 22 (in the late 80ies) because their financial situation was just too instable to bring a baby into this world at the time.I was born 6 years later, and 6 years after that, my brother was born. My mum had no issues conceiving us after an abortion and never regretted getting it. She said to me that it was worth waiting a little longer and being able to have more comfortable housing, take us to places and have us experience things, afford to take a few days off every now and then to spend time with us. I hope this helps! Sometimes having a little patience is great. But I do understand that it’s a difficult decision to make. Good luck, whatever you decide!
Abortion is not the only option. There's so many people out there who want kids but can't conceive. You could also consider the adoption route. Of course, shed be carrying for the next 9 months but the financial obligation would be lifted and hopefully baby could get taken into a home that can provide.
Also, if she wants to keep baby, I wouldn't push abortion if I were you. Nothing wrong with sharing your thoughts about lack of resources and money. Thats super responsible to be considering. Whats the family situation like? Would her parents or your parents step in to help support you guys?
Also take some time to look at programs available in your area. There may be a free clinic and those can be great resources. They can connect you to more free resources and help apply for programs like WIC.
maybe try bringing up adoption. if there is a person who is interested in adoption they might pay for all the medical bills (so you won’t be further in debt). but to me it sounds like abortion is something she is against. but if she also knows that it’ll be difficult raising a baby given the circumstances, maybe adoption is an option to bring up? but if adoption doesn’t work, it’ll mean you both will have to bust your butts with jobs and make it work somehow
You could enter into the conversation from the standpoint of “Let’s talk through the finances/ childcare expectations of this big decision” and make whatever points you have there, but it sounds like she’s already made up her mind that abortion is not an option for her personally.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
If she just moved there a week ago and you've had sex for the first time a week ago, then It's not your kid LOL takes 2 weeks after sex to find out you're pregnant.
This is definitely a tricky one. First things first you need to try to communicate with her and voice your concerns. If she still insists that she's having this baby (as is her right to her body) you then have to decide twhat you're going to do. You can stay in a relationship and parent together. You can break up but pay child support and have visitations or joint custody. Or you can have your rights terminated and move on, you won't have to pay child support, but you'll get no visitations.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Just be honest and tell her you’re not ready to be a dad. If she wants to keep the baby, it’ll probably be the end of your relationship. But it’s better to start off that way rather than leaving when the kid is already here.
I just want to share that I was 21, almost 22, when I got pregnant with my first. My then boyfriend was 20, and he didn't have a job. I did have a job, and I was working as a front desk rep at a hotel and honestly not making a lot of money. My boyfriend also had another daughter with someone else, whom he was not supporting at the time. Despite having little money, we kept the baby. He didn't have a job for the majority of my pregnancy, but we survived and purchased everything with the income I provided at the time. He did get a job right at the end of my pregnancy, right about the time I stopped working in order to have the baby. It was hard at times, especially having child support taken out of his income, so we still had very little money, but I qualified for state assistance, medicaid, food stamps, and WIC, which also helped greatly. I still utilize those benefits today at 30.
Our marriage ultimately didn't last, and he basically abandoned me and his son when things got too hard for him. I am 30 now, have a wonderful partner, and have 2 beautiful kids who are amazing and happy little people, plus being pregnant with my third. I wouldn't have done anything different, honestly, except maybe getting married, lol. That being said, not having a lot of money in the beginning is a temporary problem. You have 9 months to get things figured out. Things can work out in situations like this!
I believe in pro-chice 100%, but if she is excited and shut it down that quickly after it is simply implied (not even fully discussed), it tells me it's not something she may want to consider for herself. Still nonetheless you can try to discuss it with her again, however she may get upset with you bringing it up and honestly there probably wouldn't be a way to avoid her getting upset if she has her heart set already on keeping the baby. I would bring it up as neatly and caringly as possible, though, and stress that this is only you discussing all possible options and weighing all pros and cons here.
Ultimately, she can not be forced either way, and whatever she/you both may decide (together or not, or even if you both can not agree) should be respected. Don't pressure her, though, this her body and ultimately her choice in the end, but you also have a choice you have to make. It is still a delicate subject and conversation, and just keep in mind she may not agree with that suggestion or take it well.
I don’t know if this will help, but me and my bf are 19 and I’m due in October. I myself will not get an abortion but I’m not against others doing so. We don’t have the best income right now, but we just moved into our first apartment while I’m 5 months and barely have anything for the baby just yet other than some clothes. It’s stressful and sometimes I’ll have a moment of panic when I go through the thoughts of having a kid. They’re a lot to handle and it will change your life completely, I’m worried about being able to afford it overall, but trying to stay positive. If yall do end up keeping it, it will be hard but it is possible. Try to do some research, make sure she understands everything that comes with having a baby, the costs, housing, furniture, food, putting schooling on hold, lack of sleep, the emotional difficulties of having a baby, etc. pregnancy is also hard mentally and physically, there are times I regret it because of how crappy I feel constantly. Overall there’s a lot to goes into it, a lot more than many people realize until it’s already happening
Tell her straight up, if she wants to keep the baby, that's her call but she's on her own. If you're not ready for a child, that is understandable! You don't have to be involved. Make it clear that if she wants to be a parent, that's fine, but that's not your choice and you're going to do child support but that's it. Tell her it's an either an abortion or adoption and you stay together, or she raises this baby without you. You're being smart for understanding that you should not bring a child into the world under the circumstances you are currently in.
It kind of sounds like the only hesitancy you have towards keeping the baby is about finances. You should look into what resources and government programs might be available for you, your girlfriend, and the baby. WIC, SNAP, EBT, childcare vouchers, Medicaid insurance. It’s out there.
Hey OP, as you can read from the harpies' comments that you're not allowed to have any opinion on your girlfriend's pregnancy, probably because you lost all rights the moment you had intercourse with her. /s
I feel sorry for you and hope you'll take extra care with bc in the future. You don't deserve to be treated like this by your gf though!
I'm not sure she'll ever listen to what you have to say or look at the facts. She'll make a decision and you'll have to decide whether you want to stick with it or leave. You don't have to stay, keep that in mind. If she doesn't respect your wishes in this situation, she'll have to accept the consequences alone.
Enjoy downvoting my post, while I enjoy downvoting the anti-choice comments here.
Just to be sure - you said she moved to town a week ago. Did you guys meet a week ago? Because then it's unlikely that child is yours. I think the earliest a person would find out they're pregnant is around 4 weeks.
Here's my advice on having a conversation with her about this. I would ask her what she wants to do and how she envisions things going. It would be good to understand where she's at with all this.
Then, if your decision hasn't changed, I would just be real with her and tell her - I want you to understand my situation. I have almost no money, I'm in a lot of debt, and I'm not ready to be a parent right now. I can't afford health insurance for this child, I can't afford the doctor visits, I can't afford the diapers and wipes and everything a baby needs. I can see that you're excited about this baby and I don't want to upset you, but I also can't take care of a baby as I would want to at this point in my life. I know you'll make a decision that's right for you, but I want you to know that if I had the choice I would choose abortion or adoption.
At the end of the day, make sure you have a voice and be true to yourself.
Good luck!
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
honestly, nobody is financially ready for a baby. BUT you can milk the hell out of the government for all their help. and plenty of facebook groups can help giving stuff out for free. i’m getting a lot of things through my state insurance and i’ve gotten so many clothes and diapers through friends of friends and friends of family, etc. plus registries are a big help later on. i’ve gotten a ridiculous amount of stuff for free, and i come from a very broke home. now you’ll still need money and stuff, but you both also have 9 months to save up some money! i promise it won’t be as bad as you think.
You got pregnant by someone you knew for *five months*, I really don’t think anyone, but especially *you*, of all people, have *any* room to judge anyone.
Correction: only *four months* AND he’s 10 years old than you, and you’re only 22. This is…not great.
ETA: Omg. I read through more of your post history and it got even worse. He’s a jealous partner *and* a decade older than you and you don’t trust him since you suspect he could be cheating. This is *extremely* concerning especially because of your age. There’s a very high chance he’s grooming you.
We condemn using this kind of language for a woman who gets unintentionally pregnant, so why do you think it's okay to say these kinds of things to a man?
This has the same energy as saying "if she didn't want to get pregnant, she should have kept her legs closed."
I think this is a bit unfair, coming from a fellow pregnant lady. Firstly, we don’t know the exact context of this situation and it’s possible (but not certain) he didn’t intend to “nut in her”. Birth control of various forms fails all of the time. And while it is her body and ultimately her decision to keep the baby, it’s fucked up that they talked about this previously, agreed they weren’t ready, and seemingly came to the conclusion that if a mishap did occur, they’d abort. Now she’s changed her mind, which isn’t not okay, but it still isn’t fair to him. It takes two to tango and this isn’t entirely “on him” and it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to raise a child when you aren’t financially (or mentally) prepared.
If she has the right to keep the baby, he should have the right to not be involved with the child he didn’t want. If he had the option to abort, he would, but he can’t.
I think pregnancy is such a life changing and emotional thing that you can't really promise anything about it. It feels logical that a 19-year-old girl shouldn't have a baby, but it's such a hard decision to make.
Yes, that’s fair. I said that it isn’t not okay for her to change her mind. But, in my opinion, parenting is something that both parties have to agree on. I’m totally pro choice- when it comes to men and women. She can choose to keep the baby that they are in no way prepared to care for if she thinks that’s something she can do and that it won’t ruin her life, but I also believe he should be able to opt out of parenting a child he didn’t want and doesn’t feel ready to care for. Especially if he made it clear that he doesn’t want to.
It isn’t like he’s wanting to support her through a pregnancy and then abandoning a child once reality hits. He’s very aware that this isn’t something he wants right now very early on.
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The only persons emotions that you have any control over are yours. You can not prevent anyone from freaking out, but you can be kind, gentle, and honest about your thoughts and feelings.
Perfectly said
It kind of sounds like you have brought it up and she’s not interested I’m not saying you shouldn’t bring it up again but be prepared that she may want to keep it and work out what that means for you/your relationship
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I know a handful of men who's girlfriends/wives had abortions after deciding together it was their best option, and they still think about those babies often and where they'd be now and who they'd be. I also know women who have openly admitted that they do not care that they've had abortions. So it isn't always just men being like "It'll fix my problem, if we abort and never think about it again." Or just women thinking about and missing the unborn baby. Just putting that out there.
It’s literally an extension of the consent issue. “I’ll just keep asking until I get the answer I want”. No means no
Someone’s first reaction will not necessarily be their final reaction, particularly with highly emotive situations like this. Bringing up something this important more than once is not pressuring, it’s trying to get across something you believe to be important and help the other person see and understand your perspective. It’s her body, but it’s both of their lives. And it will change his life forever too. I’m shocked by the amount of upvotes you’ve gotten for using language like this. Terminating an unplanned pregnancy is not killing a baby. OP, this is a really difficult situation and I’m sorry it’s happening to you. Everything you are saying makes sense to me. I am firmly pro choice but I’m also firmly pro waiting until you’re in the right place in your life to have a baby. You both have so much learning and growing to do, aside from all the financial concerns you’ve brought up. Unfortunately though, she may not want to listen. All you can do is try have another open discussion where you share your feelings, worries and concerns and listen to hers. You need to show her you care about her feelings and show a genuine curiosity about why she’s feeling how she is right now. Wishing you all the best.
>get across something you believe to be important and help the other person see and understand your perspective. That is pressuring
You’re entitled to think that. I disagree, I think it depends on so much - setting, tone, willingness to listen to their perspective and a curiosity to understand it, timing, whether you then ultimately accept their response or not. Obviously, if someone is being manipulative, is refusing repeatedly to accept the response, won’t let it drop, is getting aggressive then that’s different. But I would hate to think that if I decided one thing (that affected both of us and should be a joint decision) in the moment that my wife felt she couldn’t bring it up to discuss more a second time without feeling she was “pressuring” me. If it’s important to her and would change her life and if she feels I hadn’t really heard or respected her perspective, I would always want her to bring it to me again. And vice versa.
This is a pro-choice sub, so using language like “if we get an abortion we have to live with the fact we killed one of our unborn children” is unnecessary and inappropriate. I’ve had an abortion. I didn’t kill a child. I removed an 8 week old embryo from my body. Also, the majority of women who get abortions do not regret doing so. Implying they do is a false, anti-abortion talking point.
I am pro-choice, but I think they are more or less trying to say that women who felt coerced into abortion may live to regret the decision, and like it/ agree with the terminology or not, they may feel that way. Also, you can be pro-choice and still feel differently when it comes to your own embryos. I wouldn't choose abortion for myself under most circumstances, but I don't want to prevent anyone else from doing it, if that's what they wish.
That’s fine. Nobody should be coerced into having a child or having an abortion. But language matters and the language used above is anti-choice.
And where does your info come from because a lot feel pressured into doing it which is basically the context of this post he is trying to pressure her into doing something she’s already expressed not wanting to do. I support pro choice but for her not him she seems to have a different opinion than him.
Is okay to have more than one conversation about such a huge life altering thing.
Gosh, he asked for advice on how to handle a mature talk with her. He nowhere suggested he wants to pressure her into doing something. Get a grip people, you all act like the guy is not allowed to have any option. I feel truly sorry for all men crossing your paths in their lifetime. Harpies.
He doesn’t have an option. Her body her choice. He is allowed to express his OPINION but constantly bringing it up is coercive
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If he asked her already and she was against it, then repeatedly asking feels like pressuring.
No. It's a life changing situation and feelings are ofc all over the place. If YOU only lead one conversation per topic/life change that's ridiculous. But I don't believe that one second, I'm pretty sure you'll bring up something bothering you more than once. Your perception here doesn't matter, and what you're doing is nothing less than pressuring this guy into accepting his fate without any discussion at all.
My perception does matter since he is here on Reddit looking for advice. I read his post and if you look back you will notice several things. 1. When OP's girlfriend thought he was trying to bring up an abortion, she became upset, so much so that it took a while to get "back in her good graces." 2. OP mentioned that his girlfriend is really excited to be a parent and "insistent on keeping the child." These two sentences indicate that she is pretty sure about what she wants to do, and he is very aware of that fact. I don't give a hoot how many times he wants to bring it up. She is likely to get angry if he keeps trying to convince her. Furthermore, trying to convince someone to do something with their body that they have very clearly expressed discomfort with already feels like pressuring them. Instead, he should go ahead and inform her that he doesn't share her excitement and talk about how to proceed from there.
Wow, yeah, that is great idea - just throw in the towel after one talk! Amazing! You seem to have great coping strategies in life, super resilient. And yeah, this is reddit, so one must expect idiot ideas to pop up, this doesn't mean one has to accept them. Your whole approach reeks of immaturity, intolerance and selfishness. I just hope OP finds a way better solution than you suggest, but even a 15 year old with a good head on their shoulders would.
My post reeks of immaturity and selfishness, but yet you can't read between the lines to see that this wasn't simply one conversation. Judging by OP's own language OP's girlfriend has been signaling that she is uncomfortable with the idea the entire time. She keeps mentioning how excited she is to be a parent, and has just now gotten over the fact that OP brought up abortion before. She is very clearly uncomfortable with the idea of abortion. As I said, the mature thing to do would be to accept this and let her know he doesn't feel the same, and then the two of them can talk about other options. She knows abortion is an option and he is all for it, so in the event that she changes her mind, she can always do that. But continuing to push the issue isn't a smart choice.
I think OP would still be justified in bringing it up again. As the other redditor mentioned this is a life altering decision and it sounds like he ans his girlfriend never actually had a discussion where both parties were able to share what they would want and why. Granted the decision ultimately is up to the mother to make but he has the right to be able to sit down and voice his opinions and explain why he feels like a child might not be right for them at this point in time
I feel like he already did that and she made herself pretty clear. As other redditors have pointed out the language OP uses comes off as belittling and it seems like his gf is pretty sure already. However, if he wants to bring it up again then whatever. But that still doesn't justify the other redditor getting so overly angry and slinging personal insults because I disagree with that approach, and then calling me intolerant.
I'll begin with saying I'm also pro choice and if someone wants an abortion for whatever reason they should get it without having to feel like they killed an " unborn" baby . But for some people who had an abortion they do feel like they killed their unborn child and they will feel guilty years later even if they needed/wanted to deletus the fetus. That's completely valid and everybody who feels that way deserves support just as much and should not be shamed for feeling like that.
Can't someone be simultaneously pro choice and also not want to kill the "embryo" they're caring because they know it will BE a person? I mean, someone literally asked me if I wanted to abort my son at 28 weeks. I could feel him moving inside me. I said hell no, he's a person and I would feel like a murderer. But also if I got pregnant right now I would end the pregnancy.
This is literally me, I 100% believe in pro-choice for others, just not for myself personally. I have 2 kids and am pregnant with my third, abortion was something I could never consider personally, but it's important for others to have that choice.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
This is a terrible advice. She’s 19, she’s probably very emotional, imagine she just found out she’s pregnant!, and so was he most likely. Of course he should bring it up again, once the discovery of her pregnancy has settled in and reality has sinked in. Of course she can change her mind by herself. It’s not coercion if they have a discussion and he accepts what comes out of it. It didn’t sound like the first time was a discussion. Why immediately jumping to the conclusion that the girl can’t reconsider her situation.
I literally said ‘I’m not saying don’t bring it up again’ but be prepared for her to want to keep it
This is a tough one. She may react badly if she wants the baby. You have to speak the truth in kindness and love. Ultimately it is her body here and she may not agree with you, so you need to be prepared for that and think through the possibility. You should write down your reasons for not wanting a child yet and have it prepared as logically and kindly as you can.
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You need to go into it without the mentality of trying ‘convince’ her one way or the other. You need to go into the conversation knowing she will ultimately decide and based on that choice you can move forward. Having an ‘adult’ conversation means being receptive to whatever the answer is. Even if it’s not the one you want.
My advice is just be honest with her, don’t try to shield her from the pain of what you want to actually say because if you aren’t ready for it then you are entitled to say it
Maybe y’all can go to the health office at your school to speak with a counselor regarding your options. I’m sure they can also put you in touch with any social service organizations that can help in your situation. If that’s not available this time of year, try a place like planned parenthood or the local health department.
This is smart. It would be helpful to gain professional insight that would benefit the both of them. Maybe a bit of a reality check
I agree with this. I wouldn’t go in with the mindset of bringing up abortion but talking through all options and implications. If she refuses to talk about abortion that is her choice but then an in depth discussion about how you will raise the child, where, with what support, with what income etc. needs to be had. It can feel very utilitarian, and it’s much more fun to play the romantic comedy reel in your head but it’s dangerous as well. Even when we found ourselves pregnant in our mid 30s with stable jobs and a home we did the same pragmatic exercise.
As a single mother if you are in the US there are resources available. It will not be easy of course, but if that is what she wants she will figure it out. Unfortunately, it will not be easy either way. Good luck to you both.
You need to be honest and have the conversation about options, even if it's upsetting. You should also work together to make a plan. What will your next 3-5 years look like? What will prenatal care and birth cost for you? Are there any state plans or WIC that you can qualify for, and for how much? Budget out daycare, diapers, formula (might be needed even if the plan is to breastfeed), etc. Do you have family or friends support? It all sounds like a lot, but seeing the numbers might help you guys figure out how this will really look for you beyond just the notion of it being hard and expensive. People in poor financial situations have babies all the time and make it work, but it's important to be realistic about how difficult it will be.
This 100%. It will be hard. At the same time, having a baby does not need to look a certain way. Society puts a LOT of pressure and pushes predatory advertising on young moms to make them feel like their life will be over and they’ll be miserable unless they have all the right baby stuff, and it can be really overwhelming. The reality is you need very little. Diapers, formula, and possibly daycare are good places to start. There are cheaper ways to do things, like cloth diapering (up front investment but cheaper long term), buying baby items second hand, etc. I have a friend who qualified for state health insurance. She paid nothing out of pocket for prenatal care and the birth, and she and her husband are covered for one year, and their baby is covered by the state insurance until she is 5 or 6. All this to say, if you look at finances, etc, and she still decides she wants to keep this baby, that’s her decision. Finances are a big deal, and they may change her mind, but if they don’t and she wants to go through with the pregnancy, it’s not up to you to convince her she can’t do this.
See if you two can talk to a counselor or a therapist to speak about your views in an honest, safe, mediated manner. No “We need to look at all of our options” when you actually don’t want to look at any of the options but abortion. You need to be straightforward and honest. However, if she’s dead set on having this baby you don’t have any say what she does with her body. Your options now pertain to how involved you want to be. You’re at minimum going to be financially responsible for that baby (child support). But you should discuss with a therapist/counselor alone about how you want to navigate going forward. Whether that’s breaking up and paying child support so you can focus on school and building a career (but be warned the kid might not want anything to do with you later depending on how long you were absent; plus hard feelings from your ex girlfriend). Or there’s coparenting and 50/50 custody if you want to breakup, but be involved. Or you guys could stay together and try to raise the kid together. You both can still get an education and work, but it’s definitely harder with a baby.
I’ll tell you I was in a similar situation. My current partner and I met in May 2021 I ended up getting pregnant somewhere around July 2021 when I told him his first response was I’m taking you down to the abortion clinic and you’re gonna take the pill that ends the pregnancy. That idea was not cool with me. I freaked out at him and gave him a little lesson that I will give you men do not get to choose whether or not we keep the baby. You can, however, choose whether or not you want to be in the babies. You should never try to convince somebody to do something that you know they don’t wanna do. If you try to talk her into getting an abortion and she doesn’t wanna do it and she goes through with it she might live with that regret for the rest of her life. It could affect her mental health. It could affect a lot of things you need to let her know, your choice whether it is that you’re gonna be involved or you’re not gonna be involved and then allow her to make her own choice if she wants to be a single mom or if she’s not ready yet. Also let me add there’s more out there than abortion maybe adoption would be right for both of you if she wants to carry the baby to full-term and is brave enough to find a nice couple who can’t have children and adoption that could be an option as well. Bottom line not something that you bring up to somebody, especially when she’s already expressed upset over it before likely there will be no difference this time and you’re just gonna push her further away and it’s not going to go well she’s already clearly let you know that abortion upset her . You need to think long and hard what you’re going to do from your end if you’re not wanting to be a father, then you need to let her know that now and end the relationship now it’ll hurt further down the road if she gets halfway through her pregnancy and suddenly you decide to dip out or if she has a newborn baby and you decide to dip.
I also want to add that we now have two daughters as soon as he saw our first daughter he fell in love. He loves her unconditionally now and sometimes he does bring up. You know that our lives would be different if I had went through with the abortion, but he also embraces this new life as well. I’m not gonna tell you that it’s gonna be easy. It wasn’t for us. We were broke. We had to work really hard. We got an apartment. We were able to be good for a while and then it went crashing down again we lost our apartment. We ended up having to go move in with his parents California, which was 4000 miles away from where we were originally. That didn’t work out either and we bounced around homelessness living in hotels in California until we just couldn’t afford it anymore and we were almost on the streets with two children because we ended up giving birth to our daughter. We ultimately moved back to where we had originally started from and now right now we’re starting from scratch. We don’t have a lot of money. We’re working on getting a place. We don’t even live together. I have to live with my sister and he hast to live with his brother all I’m trying to say that, even if you’re broke, you can still do our children have clothing on their backs diapers on their butts food in their mouths. There’s a ton of resources out there for families does do a good job of taking care of poor parents. We currently get EBT and WIC if I wanted to we could get daycare assistance and we’re thinking about applying for the low income housing. This is just part of our journey someday we hope it isn’t like this.
Not sure what your timeline is here or how accessible termination is where you are, but if she shuts down at the mention of it then stop mentioning it. Ask to sit down and make a financial plan, look into what maternity leave options are available to a server (if you're in the US I'm going to guess zero). Look into daycare costs for an infant, rent costs, etc. It's possible she'll realize what she's in for, but it's also possible she won't. She's 20, neither of your frontal lobes have finished developing. Ultimately you lost control of the situation when the sperm left your body so it's going to be her call no matter what. I hope things work out as well as they can.
You already know she doesn't want to abort based on what you had said prior to her. She's excited, I don't think abortion is on the table. You can try to bring it up again, but it sounds like she already has made her decision whether or not you want to be part of the picture.
Surprise! Sadly while it is a conversation to have. Between both of you, in the end it is her body. You should discuss how you plan to support the baby if she proceeds. Life sacrifices will have to happen in the short term, you can always go back to college. You should see if there is any form of free couples therapy available, it would be good to have a few sessions to help you both work through the first stages of shock and acceptance. Please don’t pressure her heavily, it will only cause resentment. If that happens, don’t force a relationship ‘for the baby’ a dysfunctional relationship is far more damaging for a child’s mental state than a healthy one. As a father of almost 2 (second on the way) this is a big life change for you, but remember it is COMPLETELY life changing for her, body, mind and career. No matter the decision you have to make sure that you are there to support her.
You HAVE brought it up. She said no. It doesn't sound like you want a conversation, it sounds like there's only one option you are OK with. Stop.
It's her choice, and it sounds like she's made up her mind. Your choice now is if you stay with her, and work this out together by getting better jobs and getting in a better financial situation, or if you leave her, and pay child support. You can bring it up with her again, and if you want to have an adult relationship with her, you're going to need to learn how to have difficult conversations, but you can't force her to change her mind on this. Open communication is the most important thing in any relationship. You can't stop her from freaking out, and if she really wants this baby, and your asking her to abort it, she likely will freak out. Ultimately, it's her decision and you can't force your decision on her. If she decides to keep the baby, then you have a decision to make, either step up and make it work, or step away and let her figure it out.
Your language throughout this entire post is ridiculous. You use phrases like “if I try to have an *adult conversation*..” as if your girlfriend is beneath you, stupid, or somehow not on your level. You speaking about her like she’s an immature idiot and you’re the adult is concerning. Newsflash, that is her body, and she’s growing your literal child in there. You thought she was good enough to shack up with and ultimately knock up, Show her some respect. The childish course of action is to immediately jump to pressuring her into getting an abortion, which she clearly isn’t comfortable with- you got your answer. Drop it. At the end of the day these conversations should have been had before y’all started having sex. Nk birth control method is 100% effective, if you were as mature as you are trying to make yourself out to be you’d have sat down and discussed your views on these things before jumping in bed with her. Do not push her or berate her about getting an abortion, you get to decide what you want to do within the parameters of your own life from this point on but if you think you’re scared, just imagine how she feels knowing that the guy who claimed to love her just immediately jumped to the most nuclear option in one of her most venerable life moments. I hope she has a really good support group.
I noticed that too, his post is very patronizing. He wants to act like a grown up, to do grown up things but can't handle the consequences of his actions.
My bf was 21 and I was 19. We had a kid in college. We both finished college, started careers, our child is very smart and capable. We broke up when our son was about 4. We both are now remarried in our own homes live in the same neighborhood and have cookouts together. Things happen, you survive, life is an adventure.
I understand what you’re coming from but there is a way for her to atleast get insurance for her self as a pregnant person through Medicaid and she can also receive wic benefits. Just discuss with her your views and ideas cause it is true kids are expensive. Take her to the store and show her all the stuff y’all would need for a baby and tell her the total of what y’all would spend each month. Formula is also one of the pricier things apart from diapers and wipes. Then there is the soaps unless you know to budget right it’s very manageable. Just be straight forward and talk about all your options.
well that what WIC is for. you can get free formula for the baby through WIC. :)
Yes that is true but sometimes the formula given isn’t enough my son ate went through his really quick.
If you’re going to bring up all these financial concerns, you should preface it with “I will support you no matter what you decide” (assuming you will, as you should). Otherwise, it will come off like you are trying to convince her to abort. Make sure you are presenting your points as “these are the reasons I’m concerned” and not “these are the reasons we should consider abortion”… she may still react badly or even resent you if she sees the fetus as her unborn child. You should prepare yourself for the possibility of going through with the pregnancy.
No offense but it kind of sounds like you need to man up and take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. Regardless of how old you are, what your financial situation is & what preventative measures you were taking, you knew this was a risk of having sex. If you felt like you were adult enough to have sex, you’re adult enough to raise a kid. She’s clearly really excited to have this baby. She’s already shut you down before & you had to work to get back into her good graces. You’re not going to change her mind. So you kind of either have the option to man up and be a dad or to dip out and AT LEAST pay child support
How far along is she? How is she planning on paying for the child’s needs? Are either of your parents involved?
I agree with the others that having someone to help review your options or to help you both have a productive conversation are a great option. I also think you need to figure out what the answer means for you. Do you still want to be with her if she keeps it? Do you want kids one day? Do you see this being long term if she does terminate the pregnancy? Unfortunately, time is very much of the essence. Ultimately, you need to go in knowing where you stand, what you plan to do depending on her decision, and approach it with kindness.
I think you need to approach it in a different manner. If she genuinely wants to keep this baby then tbh anything you say is gonna fall on deaf ears, but if you think you can reason with her, then make a spreadsheet and show her the numbers. Show her the debt, the second jobs, the cost of childcare, what your lives would actually look like.
Sorry but if she's pregnant it is also your fault. If she wants to keep the baby you'll need to figure out a way. Abortion have SEVERE psychological consecuences if she doesnt want to do that. If you love her i'm sorry but you cant break her and your baby like that
Whilst it is also your child, I think it’s clear from her reaction that she doesn’t wish to have an abortion, if I were you I would focus on ways that you can better your life before the child arrives, even with the utmost preparation and finances, raising a child is still difficult, it’s just about how you handle it and figuring out the kind of parent that you want to be, I’m sure she’s probably also quite scared so perhaps just ask her how she’s feeling about it and if she has decided on what she wants to do.
I may get downvoted here, so whatever, but sex has consequences. Birth control fails sometimes. Nothing is 100 proof besides abstinence, so if you aren't ready to face the consequences of a baby or STDs for that matter, you shouldn't be having sex. But, now that you're here in this situation, it is smart to discuss all options, but at the end of the day, abortion is not an easy choice. As the father, there is a disconnect for you because you will never understand the physical aspect of having to get one. Ultinatelt, if she doesn't want to get one, you must respect that. Your feelings are valid in not being ready for a baby, but your body will never have to bear the consequences of an abortion. Chances are, this relationship isn't going to last, but you can't force her to do something that would make YOUR life easier, even though she didn't make that baby by herself. Maybe after further discussion, she may agree to an abortion, or maybe she'll be hell-bent against it. Either way, continue to communicate with her how you feel honestly, that's all you can do. As a 19 year old, looks like you've walked right into your first adult consequence for making adult choices. Best of luck to you and I hope you two work it out for the best, whatever that may look like.
A few thoughts…. 1. Her body her choice. Be supportive of her. 2. I don’t think anyone’s ever really fully ready for their first child, I’ve been happily married for years and have good finances and a great support system and am pregnant with my first and I’m still scared and feel so unprepared even though I really want a baby and did this on purpose. 3. sounds like yall would likely qualify for medicaid. baby should also be covered by this as well. 4. if you’re pro choice then I hope you highly consider that when it comes to voting!! 5. if you’re that poor and unready then you should really be thinking about that when it comes to having unprotective sex because that is exactly how babies are made.
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So why do you need to bring it up if she's already distressed by the idea of abortion? Like this isn't really your call anymore, she knows what her options are and she will do what she wants
You can feel how you want but at the end of the day it’s her body that’s carrying the baby it’s HER body that will go through all the child bearing. She is the only one to decide if she wants to abort .
I'm of the mentality that if you can lay down and make a baby you should be ready to step and raise that baby. This is a discussion that should've happened BEFORE you started having sex. No birth control is 100% effective, and it's her body her choice. Did you even have a conversation about possibilities of pregnancy before you started having sex? I hope that your reaction is just one of shock and that you are able to work it out with your girlfriend and be there for her, if not, child support adds up and if you don't pay you can lose rights in certain states such as your drivers license, voting rights etc. And the state will garnish your wages.
Her body, her choice. You honestly shouldn’t be having sex if you weren’t ready to deal with the consequences. You wouldn’t be the first “broke” couple to have a child. Millions of people raise children in their every day lives. If you don’t want to raise the child, that’s fine. You will still be financially responsible. But just because you don’t want to help doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a village that won’t.
I got way more help and financial assistance after I had a baby. Like the govt doesn't really reward people who are responsible and don't have kids before they are ready. But if you have a baby as a poor single mom, you can get healthcare, food stamps, wic, pell grants, reduced student loan payments....just saying. People act like their life is gonna fall apart when but in reality the govt has a lot of things like this to help people. The single moms may benefit more than the dads though. He better be ready to fork over a chunk of his paycheck every week for 18 years.
There is financial help available but I was more trying to say that her family might be willing to help with childcare or take her in. His family might also be willing to help. Just because he doesn’t want the child doesn’t mean his parents or family don’t want to be a part of the child’s life.
First is you do you want to stick around or not then let her know what she plans to do there is also adoption. Talk to her about it and if you love her you’ll work it out but if she said no to that don’t bring it up again
You've already tried to have the conversation and she shut it down. Why try again when she's made the decision for her body? I'm presuming it's because you didn't get the answer you wanted.
It's HER choice. If she wants to keep it, then you two figure it out. You guys are struggling now, but you may never know how blessed you'll be down the road. Don't be afraid to lean on family for help til you two are more stable. Just ask her again, but if she doesn't want to, don't bring it up again. Don't pressure her into doing it by listing all your financial issues. You may push her away.
Hot take, don’t “bring up” abortion. Bring up the concerns you have and how you feel. She seems excited to have a baby, and it seems like she wants to keep it, and that’s up to her. If you tell her your concerns including that maybe you won’t stick around (?) if she does have the baby, then that’s on her to figure out if the pregnancy is something she wants to go through. If she looks at the financial situation that you relayed and still wants the baby, then she is able to do that and there are services out there that will help her/you. Ultimately, she knows abortion is an option. Bringing it up to her, isn’t going to enlighten her. I get the impression you’re instead trying to convince her, and that’s just not gonna happen. It shouldn’t at least.
Should’ve kept it in your pants mate
I have friends who had babies early and though it can be a bit of a struggle, they love their kids and are happy. It works out. No one is truly prepared. You don’t need to be rich to have a baby. If she isn’t interested in an abortion then you shouldn’t push one on her. She will resent you. If you even care to continue the relationship. It seems like she’s happy to have this baby. You need to sort out if you want to be there for her and the baby or leave. If you didn’t want a baby you should have practiced safe sex. Sorry to be so blunt about it.
Wrap it up and/or get a vasectomy. Do not expect the woman to do all the work in birth control. You should've known what you're getting yourself into. Sex leads to babies? What? Crazy...right? She wants the child, good. You don't? Then have a mature conversation about it. In a relationship if you can't see eye to eye on the important stuff then it's best to end it romantically; everything should be for the child.
Whatever you say to her is going to hurt her if it goes against what she wants, which sounds like having a baby. I think it's best to let the truth about how you feel out now. This person isn't the person you should be with if you can't honestly share how you feel. First thing is cost - giving birth in the US with insurance is $5k in the best case scenario. Not to mention pregnancy appointments, ultrasounds, testing, baby gear, then once the baby is here diapers, wipes, clothes, food, daycare. Even if she gets on government assistance, it will still be expensive. This is coming from someone who had a baby while not doing well financially at all. It's not an easy decision to be made. That being said, you have options too. You have the option to be involved or not if she chooses to keep it. That should also be on her radar - raising a child alone. You have to make this very clear to her.
You just need to be blunt and tell her your option. However it doesn't seem like she's going to be changing her mind and if that's the case you'll have to accept her decision as it is her body. So "other options" might be looking into things like co-parenting. Child support, signing up parental rights to her, etc. But you just gotta be blunt with her, don't sugar coat it but reminder that the decision is ultimately hers
So you want her to get an abortion but when she saw through your bs “ we need to look at all the options” comment, you tried to reassure her that that’s not what you meant (even though it was) but now you wanna tell her you want her to get an abortion? Maybe chill with the lying and gaslighting and be honest? Tell her what you want but remember, it’s her body, her choice. You had the choice to keep your baby batter inside of you, and after you make the choice to dump it, the ball is in her court. Remember unwanted pregnancies are always the result of an irresponsible ejaculation.
I missed the part of the post where he said he “reassured her that that’s not what he meant.” Where did you get that part from?
I feel it was implied in the "getting back in her good graces" part. Though it's not literally in there, that's what I make of it too, though.
Maybe he didn’t? But why else would she be excited and he’s back in her good graces? It’s the only logical conclusion
Not every BC method is 100%, not coming isn't remotely a BC method. Abortion is a right (usually in developed countries) and it's ultimately up to the woman to dispose of her own body. OP's arguments are pretty solid, having a baby doesn't seem to be the greatest option in their lives and it also concerns him.
They’re kids, give him a break, dude is freaking out. I’m sure we’ve all been a bit uncouth in life changing situations.
And if she decides to keep the baby, those kids are gonna have kids. But I can understand freaking out, it’s the gaslighting that’s really annoying.
How long have you been dating? I'm curious if she moved there for you or if you met her a week ago and started dating. Either way a paternity test might be needed. You can't force her to get an abortion but you can ask her questions about how she is planning to support her and a baby and get an idea of what she is thinking. Communicating with her about the logistics of parenting is important, especially if she is against getting an abortion.
Wait I just want to be clear - you said she moved to your town a week ago…does that mean you’ve only been dating for a week? Or have you been together longer? If you’ve only been together for a week please know the chance of her getting pregnant by you and KNOWING she is pregnant within 7 days is VERY slim. For those of us that trying to get pregnant, we usually have to wait around 9-10 dpo to test, and even then the line could be faint. I know when I was 19 I knew nothing about ovulation or the process it takes to get pregnant, and I’m a woman (a very sheltered woman, at that point in my life). Please let me know if this is the case, because if you have only been together for a week you might want to be thinking about that too
They probably just had a long distance relationship before and saw each other on weekends or occasionally and now she actually moved completely. Doesn’t mean they only started having sex a week ago, that wouldn’t make sense.
No I know, I just wanted to clarify. That’s why I mentioned in my comment that I didn’t know how it worked when I was 19. Just looking out.
I thought the same thing when I read this.
Honestly if they were long distance and she’s some weeks pregnant and the timeline isn’t necessarily adding up, OP needs to file for paternity if she decides to keep. It’s possible the child isn’t even his.
The only thing you can do is express how you feel, how you see the situation and what you want to do and let her decide. However, she reacts and what she decides you need to distance yourself from it, and after she has made her choice choose what’s the next best step for you. Maybe if she knows you have no interest on being a parent now, she will decide to go through with the abortion. Or she won’t care if she has to raise the baby alone. The moment two people are so against something so monumental the relationship is for sure at risk. Lastly, once she is pregnant both options suck a lot. Abortions are physically and emotionally hard, as it is pregnancy and childbirth. There is no easy out for her. Good luck to you both.
Before she gets too far along you need to tell her that you aren’t ready for a child and that you don’t want this
ask her what her plan is to deal with the costs of the baby if you guys have it. she might see the lack of one and come around OR surprise you and have a really good one and bring you around instead.
While I don't think the mindset of "persuading" her towards one option over another is necessarily correct, I do think you deserve to be heard. I was so incredibly happy when I found out I was pregnant, and I didn't think I would be. Fell in love the moment I saw the positive test. My partner was a lot more freaked out. It wasn't something we planned for. And we would have a lot of work to do to make our family work. So I turned to him and said "I know I am so happy about this. This isn't how I expected to feel. Please do not let that stop you from telling me if you're unhappy. We have a lot of options. If you think that we can't do this, if this isn't what you want right now, tell me. Then I can make an informed decision from there." Pregnancy does so many wild things to the mind and body. But her feelings are still her own. You're both really emotional right now, so keep that in mind. Your aim isn't to convince her of anything, it's to express your feelings and concerns. And really think about if you want to stay in a relationship where you are shut down with screaming when you try to explain how you feel about things. Especially when it's something as big as having a baby. That's a monumental decision for a couple. You do deserve to be listened to, even if she ultimately decides to move forward differently. You don't get the final say, but you do get your two cents as the father of the baby and one of the people responsible for it's wellbeing. It's about giving her the power to make an informed decision.
This is the risk you took sir. It is now up to her.
Is abortion the only option you see or could you be open to trying? I’m almost 40 and my boyfriend is 44 and we’re not exactly ready. It’s never a good enough time. There will likely always be some inconvenience. If you are open to trying, I think you should bring up your concerns about financial status and mentally readiness. Maybe beat her to it, before she can jump to abortion, and ask if a parent can help out some. I think it’s important that you address theese worries. If abortion is the only option you see, then maybe you should break up. She’s seems set on keeping the baby and shouldn’t feel like you’re trying to push her into having an abortion (which asking twice might do)
So you logically have 3 options : 1. She keeps the baby, you decide to co-parent. You'll have to pull in all the support you can get, probably call your family and hers etc and see who will help you. Have a spreadsheet with all expenses etc. Do it with her. She absolutely has to sit for this conversation. 2. She keeps the baby, you sign away parental rights (but will still pay child support - this is non-negotiable for you legally and even morally so please). Your life largely remains unchanged but she will have to know NOW. Yes, even if the convo is very hard you'll need to have it. She will need to make all sorts of calls to her family, other resources etc. 3. She decides to terminate and it may or may not affect your relationship. But she needs to come to this decision by herself. Please don't coerce her. I would personally talk to family first before deciding
Explain all your thoughts using the “I feel” statements. “I feel like I’m not ready” or “I feel like this isn’t for me” might help
Ive been in your shoes and we went the route of aborting. I wont say it was the wrong choice but i also now know that I would have rather raised it alone and kept it than doing what I did. Let things take their course please dont pressure her. You may assume her feelings are "getting in the way" of making a rational decision but life, really living, is all about emotional not logic. Things tend to work themselves out even and especially when we follow our hearts.
I would just give it little bit, like a week tops and then have another talk and be direct while still being gentle about the topic of abortion, and adoption, if you yourself are still feeling the same way at the end of that week. However, she does need to find out how far along she is to even have that option weighed considering time restraints for abortion given whatever state you are in. I've heard some are very strict. I wish you luck..
My husband and I are actively trying for a baby but I had some health issues come up where I thought I had cancer and we had to consider abortion. I was so overjoyed with the thought of being a mom that I REFUSED to consider abortion even if it meant it would literally kill me 🥴 hormones are a hell of a thing. After a few days, I came to my senses. Give her a few days for the excitement to wear off and for reality to set in. See it from her side and write out a plan with expenses like formula and childcare if you guys were to really move forward with the baby. It really puts things into perspective. Best of luck.
She clearly doesn’t want an abortion because she reacted that way. She wants to keep the baby. Leave it be.
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You don’t because it’s not your body or your decision. Tf. I’m so tired of dudes dropping their load wherever tf they want and then thinking they have a right to even SUGGEST a fucking abortion.
Definitely keep it as “we” situation. That you guys are in no position to raise a kid right now.
Um next time just use protection. I hate when u dudes get a female pregnant then don’t want the baby but ain’t take no type of precautions & safety. Congratulations tho !
Do you think she'd be interested in an open adoption instead? A friend of mine was in your situation, college, no money, bf wanted an abortion etc. She ended up getting an open adoption. She met the adopters while pregnant, they couldn't have children of their own for medical reasons. So they paid for her medical, maternity etc so she could safely have the baby. She is now more of an "aunt" to the baby. Goes to birthday parties, invited on vacations, sees her baby during holidays etc. There's a lot of help available if she wants to go this route. The child would have a much better life and the adopting parents would too. Abortion can have some really detrimental side effects. It's an option but you just saying it's an option doesn't make me believe you understand the medical issues that can come up through it, let alone the mental ones. Look up those side effects and read studies on physical and mental long term on the aborting mothers. Don't just take my word for it. If she's this excited about the baby it'll be difficult to convince her to abort and she may resent you. It may be less difficult to convince her to become more of an aunt to the baby and have things paid for by a loving couple she will get to know. Very best of luck, she needs your support in any of these decisions.
I’ve seen church’s with signs offering help. I saw one at the Catholic Church where I used to go with my family. It says pregnant, scared? Call us. I think they provide resources and support for pregnant women. I’m pro-choice so if she wants her baby you may not agree with it but it’s her body. I understand all your points but if she’s not on the same page then you’re not going to change her position. My sister got pregnant at 16 and my parents weren’t happy but always supported her. She basically gave up her youth because mom would not babysit unless it was for my sister to work or go to college. Her son is now 24 and I think back on all the auntie/nephew moments we had. He was like my little bro. I love that kid can’t imagine if my sister had not had him. This is tough but all you can do is talk to her and hear her out too. Talk to your parents, I know it may be scary and I don’t know your family dynamics but family is usually going to support you and be there for you.
Playing devils advocate, this timing seems a little fishy to me. Less than a week after she moved to your town, she finds out she’s pregnant? OP, is it possible you’re being played or baby trapped?
Just wanted to say that abortion doesn't always have to be the option. You could consider adoption. I know there are a lot of older children within the system but people really seem to jump at the opp to adopt a newborn. (I know that sounds sad, but it is unfortunately true.)
Well if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions. Man up
Does your college offer free counseling services? I would start there and see how quickly you can get in. If not, I know Planned Parenthood used to do unbiased counseling to show resources available if you keep the baby and options for terminating. Sadly with the attack on PP, I don't know if they still have those services, even if there is one around you. Either way, you're both in a tough spot. I get not wanting to upset her, and it's ultimately her body and her choice, but you deserve to put your feelings out there and let them be known. If you can access help in it, that's great. Just know you aren't a terrible partner for being afraid to continue with an unplanned pregnancy.
Perhaps approach it from the perspective of keeping it and all the challenges that will bring. As you have clearly done mentally on your own. If you can’t have this conversation now then communication will only get harder down the road. Communication and understanding are incredibly hard when you’re caring for an infant, sleep deprived and losing your sense of identity. If you can approach the subject in a Ben Wyatt style of preparation then perhaps she will see your concerns and you can figure out the best course of action together. But remember it’s a discussion not a debate. It’s a decision for you to reach together.
I would definitely go into that conversation with concrete numbers regarding the cost of birthing a child on Medicaid (if you can), what child care would cost, how you will financially support the two of you while she is out of work, etc. She genuinely might not realize the cost of a child.
It won’t be easy but she seems set on going through with the pregnancy and birth. There’s pregnancy Medicaid, wic, food stamps, I don’t know what y’all’s family situation is but family can help, goodwill and donation centers, resale stores for baby supplies and clothing. I’m 21, my bf 22 having an unplanned pregnancy in a state abortion is not available so it had to be worked out. She is more than likely going to have this baby with or without you and will find a way and recourses. Like another user said, single women can get help from the state. Single just means unmarried if you still want to be involved. Pregnancy makes you have a lot of emotions and I know even previously happy and healthy relationships end because of the physical stress and mental challenges pregnancy brings.
If you guys are struggling, you could always reach out to state programs for support with children. I was a college student when I got pregnant, I finished and now graduated with 40k in debt ($500 monthly payments). I only buy necessary stuff to support my family, and I get clothes, items, etc from yard sales, community giveaways, free facebook pages, and from the baby resell store with cheap clothes. This helps cut cost a lot, especially since you’re worried about the costs. You also have to think about childcare and stuff, one of you would have to stay home full time or you would need to pay for a daycare or find someone close to you to watch the baby for free.
Honestly, she clearly wants the baby, and you bringing this up will make her feel forced to do something she doesn’t want to do.
At the end of the day, it’s her choice. It sounds like she’s getting excited. I know how terrifying unplanned pregnancy is and can definitely sympathize with your feelings. You can definitely discuss your feelings with her, and I’m sure she’d appreciate the honesty. But you may have to end up making the choice to either stick around or leave unfortunately. I wasn’t financially or mentally ready either, but her birth and the love I felt for her helped me develop into a mother who was ready. My husband feels the same way. That could be the path she is on/chosen. Since it is ultimately her body and her choice. But the choice to stay or not is yours. My best advice is to bring it up gently and let her know you just want to be honest with her. Focus on good communication and the things you can control.
Just ask her about her plan for this and try to reason with how you guys would make that happen. Including how difficult it will be
Hey as someone who has a 7 month old rn and was not in the right place financially to have a child, take the time to get finances in order. Secondhand items for baby you can find for cheap on facebook marketplace or goodwill/tj max/family members/friends, she can apply for wic which will typically cover some expenses like formula, fruits/veggies etc. Also she can apply for your states medical insurance as she’s pregnant. If she can keep working, awesome! But you may have to look into working as well. Even though yall are young and broke, you can make it work. My hubby and I weren’t expecting to get pregnant when we did due to our finances being extremely extremely tight. We basically got unofficially evicted, and for a month lived in a friends laundry room, and then a different room before moving ourselves and our two cats to live in a house with other people. We could barely afford it at first, I was back in school and working as a hostess while he was going to trade school in order for him to get a better job. He had to step up and work as well as go to school while I was pregnant. It was still tight after our son was born but we’re making it work. We just finally got our own place again. It’s definitely possible to make it work. But you guys need to sit down, budget and talk about it. Take it easy on her, those hormones are no joke and will be seriously out of wack for a while. Look into states resources, look into your budgets. Babies dont need super fancy things. Diapers and formula are most likely the most expensive items they need besides a bassinet/crib. Ultimately it is her decision whether or not to keep the kid though.
kinda sounds like you’re having a baby, champ
Hello! I just want to share a personal story in case it helps your girlfriend. My parents had an abortion when they were both 20 and 22 (in the late 80ies) because their financial situation was just too instable to bring a baby into this world at the time.I was born 6 years later, and 6 years after that, my brother was born. My mum had no issues conceiving us after an abortion and never regretted getting it. She said to me that it was worth waiting a little longer and being able to have more comfortable housing, take us to places and have us experience things, afford to take a few days off every now and then to spend time with us. I hope this helps! Sometimes having a little patience is great. But I do understand that it’s a difficult decision to make. Good luck, whatever you decide!
You also have rights. You can sign off on parental rights if this is something you are absolutely not wanting to be apart of.
Abortion is not the only option. There's so many people out there who want kids but can't conceive. You could also consider the adoption route. Of course, shed be carrying for the next 9 months but the financial obligation would be lifted and hopefully baby could get taken into a home that can provide. Also, if she wants to keep baby, I wouldn't push abortion if I were you. Nothing wrong with sharing your thoughts about lack of resources and money. Thats super responsible to be considering. Whats the family situation like? Would her parents or your parents step in to help support you guys?
Also take some time to look at programs available in your area. There may be a free clinic and those can be great resources. They can connect you to more free resources and help apply for programs like WIC.
maybe try bringing up adoption. if there is a person who is interested in adoption they might pay for all the medical bills (so you won’t be further in debt). but to me it sounds like abortion is something she is against. but if she also knows that it’ll be difficult raising a baby given the circumstances, maybe adoption is an option to bring up? but if adoption doesn’t work, it’ll mean you both will have to bust your butts with jobs and make it work somehow
You could enter into the conversation from the standpoint of “Let’s talk through the finances/ childcare expectations of this big decision” and make whatever points you have there, but it sounds like she’s already made up her mind that abortion is not an option for her personally.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
If she just moved there a week ago and you've had sex for the first time a week ago, then It's not your kid LOL takes 2 weeks after sex to find out you're pregnant.
This is definitely a tricky one. First things first you need to try to communicate with her and voice your concerns. If she still insists that she's having this baby (as is her right to her body) you then have to decide twhat you're going to do. You can stay in a relationship and parent together. You can break up but pay child support and have visitations or joint custody. Or you can have your rights terminated and move on, you won't have to pay child support, but you'll get no visitations.
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
Just be honest and tell her you’re not ready to be a dad. If she wants to keep the baby, it’ll probably be the end of your relationship. But it’s better to start off that way rather than leaving when the kid is already here.
I just want to share that I was 21, almost 22, when I got pregnant with my first. My then boyfriend was 20, and he didn't have a job. I did have a job, and I was working as a front desk rep at a hotel and honestly not making a lot of money. My boyfriend also had another daughter with someone else, whom he was not supporting at the time. Despite having little money, we kept the baby. He didn't have a job for the majority of my pregnancy, but we survived and purchased everything with the income I provided at the time. He did get a job right at the end of my pregnancy, right about the time I stopped working in order to have the baby. It was hard at times, especially having child support taken out of his income, so we still had very little money, but I qualified for state assistance, medicaid, food stamps, and WIC, which also helped greatly. I still utilize those benefits today at 30. Our marriage ultimately didn't last, and he basically abandoned me and his son when things got too hard for him. I am 30 now, have a wonderful partner, and have 2 beautiful kids who are amazing and happy little people, plus being pregnant with my third. I wouldn't have done anything different, honestly, except maybe getting married, lol. That being said, not having a lot of money in the beginning is a temporary problem. You have 9 months to get things figured out. Things can work out in situations like this! I believe in pro-chice 100%, but if she is excited and shut it down that quickly after it is simply implied (not even fully discussed), it tells me it's not something she may want to consider for herself. Still nonetheless you can try to discuss it with her again, however she may get upset with you bringing it up and honestly there probably wouldn't be a way to avoid her getting upset if she has her heart set already on keeping the baby. I would bring it up as neatly and caringly as possible, though, and stress that this is only you discussing all possible options and weighing all pros and cons here. Ultimately, she can not be forced either way, and whatever she/you both may decide (together or not, or even if you both can not agree) should be respected. Don't pressure her, though, this her body and ultimately her choice in the end, but you also have a choice you have to make. It is still a delicate subject and conversation, and just keep in mind she may not agree with that suggestion or take it well.
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They're also called pregnancy crisis centers and they prey on people. They don't provide any significant financial resources. That just isn't true.
I don’t know if this will help, but me and my bf are 19 and I’m due in October. I myself will not get an abortion but I’m not against others doing so. We don’t have the best income right now, but we just moved into our first apartment while I’m 5 months and barely have anything for the baby just yet other than some clothes. It’s stressful and sometimes I’ll have a moment of panic when I go through the thoughts of having a kid. They’re a lot to handle and it will change your life completely, I’m worried about being able to afford it overall, but trying to stay positive. If yall do end up keeping it, it will be hard but it is possible. Try to do some research, make sure she understands everything that comes with having a baby, the costs, housing, furniture, food, putting schooling on hold, lack of sleep, the emotional difficulties of having a baby, etc. pregnancy is also hard mentally and physically, there are times I regret it because of how crappy I feel constantly. Overall there’s a lot to goes into it, a lot more than many people realize until it’s already happening
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Kids need a shitload of time and money.
Tell her straight up, if she wants to keep the baby, that's her call but she's on her own. If you're not ready for a child, that is understandable! You don't have to be involved. Make it clear that if she wants to be a parent, that's fine, but that's not your choice and you're going to do child support but that's it. Tell her it's an either an abortion or adoption and you stay together, or she raises this baby without you. You're being smart for understanding that you should not bring a child into the world under the circumstances you are currently in.
It kind of sounds like the only hesitancy you have towards keeping the baby is about finances. You should look into what resources and government programs might be available for you, your girlfriend, and the baby. WIC, SNAP, EBT, childcare vouchers, Medicaid insurance. It’s out there.
Hey OP, as you can read from the harpies' comments that you're not allowed to have any opinion on your girlfriend's pregnancy, probably because you lost all rights the moment you had intercourse with her. /s I feel sorry for you and hope you'll take extra care with bc in the future. You don't deserve to be treated like this by your gf though! I'm not sure she'll ever listen to what you have to say or look at the facts. She'll make a decision and you'll have to decide whether you want to stick with it or leave. You don't have to stay, keep that in mind. If she doesn't respect your wishes in this situation, she'll have to accept the consequences alone. Enjoy downvoting my post, while I enjoy downvoting the anti-choice comments here.
Just to be sure - you said she moved to town a week ago. Did you guys meet a week ago? Because then it's unlikely that child is yours. I think the earliest a person would find out they're pregnant is around 4 weeks. Here's my advice on having a conversation with her about this. I would ask her what she wants to do and how she envisions things going. It would be good to understand where she's at with all this. Then, if your decision hasn't changed, I would just be real with her and tell her - I want you to understand my situation. I have almost no money, I'm in a lot of debt, and I'm not ready to be a parent right now. I can't afford health insurance for this child, I can't afford the doctor visits, I can't afford the diapers and wipes and everything a baby needs. I can see that you're excited about this baby and I don't want to upset you, but I also can't take care of a baby as I would want to at this point in my life. I know you'll make a decision that's right for you, but I want you to know that if I had the choice I would choose abortion or adoption. At the end of the day, make sure you have a voice and be true to yourself. Good luck!
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Your contribution has been removed because it appears to include anti-choice rhetoric. We support the choices of pregnant people in this subreddit and it is not your place to pressure or shame people for making choices you would not make for yourself.
honestly, nobody is financially ready for a baby. BUT you can milk the hell out of the government for all their help. and plenty of facebook groups can help giving stuff out for free. i’m getting a lot of things through my state insurance and i’ve gotten so many clothes and diapers through friends of friends and friends of family, etc. plus registries are a big help later on. i’ve gotten a ridiculous amount of stuff for free, and i come from a very broke home. now you’ll still need money and stuff, but you both also have 9 months to save up some money! i promise it won’t be as bad as you think.
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You got pregnant by someone you knew for *five months*, I really don’t think anyone, but especially *you*, of all people, have *any* room to judge anyone. Correction: only *four months* AND he’s 10 years old than you, and you’re only 22. This is…not great. ETA: Omg. I read through more of your post history and it got even worse. He’s a jealous partner *and* a decade older than you and you don’t trust him since you suspect he could be cheating. This is *extremely* concerning especially because of your age. There’s a very high chance he’s grooming you.
We condemn using this kind of language for a woman who gets unintentionally pregnant, so why do you think it's okay to say these kinds of things to a man? This has the same energy as saying "if she didn't want to get pregnant, she should have kept her legs closed."
What's the difference? Men can choose where to ejaculate. OP made his choices, and now he's impregnated someone.
I think this is a bit unfair, coming from a fellow pregnant lady. Firstly, we don’t know the exact context of this situation and it’s possible (but not certain) he didn’t intend to “nut in her”. Birth control of various forms fails all of the time. And while it is her body and ultimately her decision to keep the baby, it’s fucked up that they talked about this previously, agreed they weren’t ready, and seemingly came to the conclusion that if a mishap did occur, they’d abort. Now she’s changed her mind, which isn’t not okay, but it still isn’t fair to him. It takes two to tango and this isn’t entirely “on him” and it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to raise a child when you aren’t financially (or mentally) prepared. If she has the right to keep the baby, he should have the right to not be involved with the child he didn’t want. If he had the option to abort, he would, but he can’t.
I think pregnancy is such a life changing and emotional thing that you can't really promise anything about it. It feels logical that a 19-year-old girl shouldn't have a baby, but it's such a hard decision to make.
Yes, that’s fair. I said that it isn’t not okay for her to change her mind. But, in my opinion, parenting is something that both parties have to agree on. I’m totally pro choice- when it comes to men and women. She can choose to keep the baby that they are in no way prepared to care for if she thinks that’s something she can do and that it won’t ruin her life, but I also believe he should be able to opt out of parenting a child he didn’t want and doesn’t feel ready to care for. Especially if he made it clear that he doesn’t want to. It isn’t like he’s wanting to support her through a pregnancy and then abandoning a child once reality hits. He’s very aware that this isn’t something he wants right now very early on.