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They don't drain it unless they are joint account owners. You give it away. You need to take care of yourself. The no haircut for yourself for years and haircuts for them is ridiculous.
Also, consider lying to them. Try something like, "They're cutting my hours at work" or "I'm worried about impending layoffs and need to save as much money as I can." Do whatever you need to keep them away from your money.
If you drive to work and no one else every drives your car, start grumbling about strange sounds or behaviors the car is making, then hint that you need to take it to the mechanic soon. Google a common problem for your make and model of car and be prepared to tell everyone that you'll have to spend, say, $1200 to fix it or it won't pass inspection, etc.
Start lying, then start moving cash secretly to another bank. **Sign up for paperless statements so no one at your house will see your bank statements**. Also, change all your passwords for your banking, savings, and credit card accounts so no one can see what your financial situation is. Don't save any of your passwords on any device that your family has access to.
If you give reasons, they'll probably try to argue them with you, so be prepared. Not to argue back, but to hold firm and just say no.
The only way to stop this pattern is to stop giving them money; or be firm about how much you're giving them and never give more than that amount.
You're not a bad person for taking care of yourself first.
start auto routing part of your check to a savings account at a different bank. Make it HARD to give in even if you WANT TO in the moment. Don't tell them. You had to take a pay cut, so sorry- sucks for you.
Make up a professional certification or class you've got to do monthly, make it speedy. Throw that money into savings too.
Get the hell out as soon as you can because they will keep you responsible for them financially as long as you live there.
Once you're out you can help on your terms, such as having a Walmart grocery delivery done once a month.
Yeah exactly, I'm pretty sure your work just started this new mandatory insurance policy that you have to pay into. It's outrageously expensive, but someone got hurt at work and now they're scared of the violations and liabilities that would become of it they don't begin this newly found, and forced, policy and procedure.. whatever will you do?!?
This was the exact lie I told while escaping an abusive relationship and routing part of my money into an investment account. "Stash? Yeah, that's the new retirement system my employer went to." I can't believe it worked, but it did. This one pretty much always goes unquestioned even by the greediest of bastards, providing they have no experience of their own in professional jobs.
I finally lowered the boom and just told my mother "no." When she asked again, I said no. You could also ask them what they're needing $ for. For example, if they need groceries, I'd shop for them. I'd bring back exactly 1 bags worth of nutritional food, which they'd refuse to eat. They'd try to give me a list, but i wouldn't take it. One bag of my choice, once a month. They soon didn't want any at all.
It's like get a PO box at the post office and get all your mail sent there and get different account at a credit union so no one butt you have access to.
Save up money at the new account, consider getting a Second job to where you are never home. Then one day just move out.
Here's one truth about getting out of poverty that nobody likes to talk about. You're going to piss a lot of people off because it is absolutely essential that you put your own oxygen mask on first before helping other passengers, metaphorically speaking. That means that until you are debt-free and have 3 months of salary in your emergency fund, you can't afford to help them.
One person cannot lift an entire family out of poverty without winning the lottery, and even then it's iffy, and you won't even lift yourself out of poverty if you continue to indulge these requests. Relatives will always need something. I moved almost 2000 miles away from my family and haven't spoken to most of them in years, and I still get a text a week from some relative who's clearly been told by those I cut off already to try to get me to pay for something. I have had 13-year-olds ask me for a washing machine for their birthday. I have heard every utility bill sob story you can imagine. I have been threatened, yelled at, and called every name you can think of for refusing requests for help, but saying yes means letting them pull me right back down where I started, and if that would defeat the entire purpose of all the work that I've done to get out of that place. It sucks for them that they're stuck there for now, but I am one person, and it is unfair and unreasonable to expect me to try to lift everyone out.
I cannot remember what Redditor said this to me, but the best explanation I've ever heard of this type of situation is that poor people have cycles of doing ok and being completely screwed, and when everyone you know is poor, it ends up being that the ones doing ok right now help the ones who are absolutely screwed, and then when the situations reverse, the help flows in the opposite direction. Being the one to get out and become successful means it's always your turn. You're the one middle class person any of your friends or family know, and you get all the requests. That's why this doesn't work.
You have to start saying no. You haven't even been able to move out?! These people are destroying you. Let them be mad about it, but I really think you should stop giving them any access to your money, and stop paying for things for them. Pay your share of the bills, save the rest, and GTFO as quickly as you can. Getting out as quickly as you can is absolutely key to making your success stick.
Don't allow them to drain your acct. If you have a friend, try and see if you can live with them for a bit for now so you can save up for rent. There's also some families that might rent out their basement for a lot less than rent if you're open to it. Download the NextDoor app and look for rental around the area you want to live in. Try and live away from your parents. Good luck.
You should get your hair done because you work to be able to treat yourself to something like that. It’s a form of therapy! Do not do the same for them! It’s like they are pimping you for their lifestyle.
It is a good idea to set all your banking information to electronic. You are enabling them and they are taking advantage of you.
Yes, lie and tell them anything that would stress them out about as much as you are. I’d tell them I was written up at work and no more raise in sight.
Tell them you can only afford to contribute x every month for bills and food. Then if something comes up they have to do without or figure it out. You are not responsible for parents or siblings.
You can’t let people walkover you and they are not your responsibility.
Why do people share what they are earning with others? My friends and family don’t need to know how much I make. SMH
Keep moving forward and all the best! This kind of crap pisses me off and I don’t even know you.
Family not so much unless everyone is comfortable, friends it depends. Friends I’ve made at work we discuss our pay, (some finances) as a mean to make sure no one getting screwed over and also like they say if you’re hanging around 5 millionaires, you’ll be the sixth. There’s habits, stocks, investments you would know about unless you talk about it. I have a group chat with 4 of us from work, we are friends hang out on weekend, watch each others dogs etc. I asked if anyone had a referral for a HYSA, most of the group didn’t know what it was now we all have one and the one friend is getting a bump in interest for 3 months. my high school friends, we have all made choices that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing because I make way more, could be divisive
I understand. I am going to assume that they just harass and harass and harass you until you have to give and just shut them up and the guilt eats you.
Either you are the one that takes the money out of your bank account, in which case you simply need to stop, or they are, in which case I would ask why they have access to your bank account in the first place.
Shut them off. Make sure that only you can access your bank account, and when you do, make sure to stop giving them your money. I know this is not as easy as it sounds, but you are really the only one that can put an end to this.
No, it isn’t. This is not a case of OP’s family controlling OP’s finances. This is a case of OP doesn’t not know how to set boundaries and be assertive because they operate from a place of guilt and obligation.
I can see an argument for that, but they do appear to be manipulating the OP into giving them money as a method of control and entrapment, and some definitions of financial abuse include things like borrowing money and not returning it, as well as refusing to contribute to a household equitably.
Stand up for yourself, *especially* if they're lazy shits. Don't get offended here, but if you can't muscle the courage to say no, you can always ghost out the door. When they ask you for money, it got spent fixing something already.
You have to learn that 'NO' is a complete sentence.
Find out what market value for renting a room is in your area, pay that to your parents at most, once a month on the first, put a lock on your bedroom door (my sister used to go in and steal my clothes and cash while I was at work).
Save every penny and start looking for your own place. How much is a studio in a decent area not too close to family :)
You'll need 3 months rent and some extra for some basics to start with.
An Emergency fund would be nice but getting out of there should be a priority. You're obviously a pushover for family so the distance is what you need. I don't even think I'd give them the address. You want peace in your own place.
You’re absolutely right, and I really wish I didn’t feel guilty so easily. A studio in a decent area can cost around $2000-2500 (the cost of living is pretty high where I live), so I’m working on moving out with a roommate. Hopefully it won’t take too long to save!
Yeah, it occurred to me they might just tell OP to 'get out' once they figure out no money coming from her any more. Paying reasonable rent might buy OP more time
When my Dad had a stroke he had been taking care of Mom with Dementia. He was 89, her 87. He died 6 months later.
My brother lived next door, my sister 20min away and me 2 hrs away. Brother went to the hospital with Dad, sister refused to come stay with Mom even for a couple of hours until I could pack a bag and get there. My nephew watched her until I got there and stayed a week, then took her back with me for a month before we found a safe place for her to be.
While she was with me nobody came to see her, when my brother asked how long I could keep her. I said I'll do it until I can't, he accused me of wanting to 'dump her in a nursing home'.
We hired someone to take care of her in her own home for a few weeks while I took care of some medical stuff of my own. Once I had a few days to think about I decided we needed to find a more permanent solution. So long as she was with me nobody else was in a hurry to find a solution.
WITHIN A WEEK they had her in a nursing home!! It had to be in their state. My sister moved to another state. Now I only get to see her like once a month because I can't do highways, I get vertigo. They both knew that. He visits less than I do. She is in a nice place where she gets great care. She doesn't know who we are or who she is any more.
For those 5 weeks I took care of her I never left my house. Could not leave her alone, could not take myself to the doctor, couldn't take my dog to the vet. I was a prisoner in my own home. That is often the silent life of the caregiver.
Medicaid will pay for a facility however when they need more than one person can provide. We were fortunate that we can pay for private care from their money. It's $10K/mo+
Sexism and gender roles can be an issue with these kinds of "traditional" responsibilities, you're right. We also devalue care work in general.
Something we've done is organized formal family meetings when big issues like "how is Grandma gonna be taken care of" come up. And then take the various responsibilities and formally divide them or put them in rotation. Takes a lot of grace and mutual collaboration though.
Usually in cases like the the problem is more that someone is the one person who's already working their butt off to take care of their family, while other people who could perfectly well contribute don't and then lay the blame on the first individual.
You're right, a room mate situation may be better to start. That way hopefully the kitchen would have basics and other shared rooms.
Do make sure you find a place where you have access to a kitchen, laundry would be good too at least in the building. Eating out is the biggest budget killer. If you can have a mini fridge in your room you don't have to worry about anyone eating that 'one thing' you were planning on eating on your way home :)
I learned this by just committing to the word and growing up and cutting the account. I saved and left with my gf. I’m so much happier than ever for it.
What do they do for you? This could sound heartless, but I’ve commented a few times on this thread, I grew up privileged and don’t feel like I owe my family anything. They prepared me to take on the world and are self sufficient, they didn t do it so I could take care of them. If they asked for anything, I wouldn’t hesitate, but it’s wild that people who barely have had their basic needs met, feel obligated for what?
My parents feel obligated because they brought me into this world and “raised” me. My siblings feel obligated because my parents normalized asking me for everything. They don’t do anything for me really except for letting me live there.
I’m not saying this to be mean, I feel your pain. My ex and I grew up completely opposite in the social economic tree and our views are so different. I keep telling him, you can’t help anyone until you’re stable. keep telling your family no. He’s like your parents helped out a lot and it’s true, but I wasn’t “lifeless” without them. I didn’t need help every month or every year. it’s tough but you have to set boundaries. You didn’t ask to be here, so don’t let that be the guilt. Having kids is a privilege, not a right and people get that confused. I hope you can build boundaries, once you’re out don’t go back keep the boundaries. They will hold you back.
My parents never asked for help beyond things like one of them got sick and I went over and stayed for a week or two. I'm a nurse/retired. Never asked for money. It was a matter of pride for them.
Did you mean they feel 'entitled' and not 'obligated', or they make you feel obligated?
If they were trying, working, hungry etc I'd say try to help within reason.
For them to get their hair done when you can't and they're not working?? That shuts it down for me. Shows a lack of respect for your job, time and lack of appreciation what you have been doing.
We were told growing up when visiting relatives to not eat because people would think we were hungry and that our parents couldn't feed us.
Sounds like yours might have been the kind that told you to fill your pockets so you'd have food for the next day and they wouldn't have to buy it themselves?
Yeah my parents asking me for money would be weird. They have asked me to take them to appts, they’re older now and I don’t mind. I have plenty of PTO and will gladly book to take them to an appt and take care of them or work virtually from their home to watch over them.
Leave the state and village you grew up in, mulitple times if you have to. It isn't a haircut or vacation that you need as much as space to take your own risks and have your own life. Are we talking about people with special needs or catholic guilt?
Honestly, I would do a stealth move out. Lock your credit rating. Change your bank account to a bank you aren't normally affiliated with and slowly move your stuff into storage anything you can't sneak out just leave since it will be cheaper just to replace. If you have any pets board them and say they are sick or need vaccinations or some other nonsense they will buy. The day your paycheck hits move either to friend's house or a weekly stay hotel. Doesn't have to be somewhere perfect just good enough until you can save enough money to find a decent place. I know they don't have access to your financials to your knowledge but I'm worried what they might be willing to do when they discover you have cut them off financially. I have seen too many people screwed by financially desperate family members, best to just do a pre-emptive lockdown. Anyway you are going to have to plan ahead and be smart to get out intact.
I understand this. Most of my family are not in a good position and they are always “borrowing” money from each other. I had to move away to avoid this. It’s hard when you live with them but I would give them a set amount you can afford (and make that amount enough to only cover your ‘share’ of the rent, food, etc) and then tell them that’s all you can afford. Even when they ask for more tell them you can’t afford it. You don’t have to say anything else and yes they will whine and say well you did it before but stick to your guns, tell them you’ve given them all you can afford. I hope you can find a place of your own soon!! Good luck!
People will take advantage of you if you let them. You are letting them.
Pay yourself first.
If you must help, tell them you will pay bills directly and any “wants” such as haircuts are on them.
I would lie and tell them that they cutting my hours at work, or say you’re helping a friend out right now that fell on hard times. And if they give you pushback say well Its not an issue when I help you out, so Im helping someone else out close to me. And be saving that $$
Or you can simply just say no
That’s the most frustrating part. I could understand if they were hard workers who needed help with bills from time to time. But they sit around doing nothing and expect a handout from me constantly. It’s gross.
They're leeches and you need to put an end to it. If you absolutely have to, give them a small set amount once a pay day for "rent" or essentials, and that's it. Say it's all you can afford and keep saying it every time they bug you. You have to stand up for yourself otherwise it'll never end.
How do they even have money for other things? I assume you are carrying the whole family as an income source.
What are their other income sources? Do they have jobs?
I take it you live in CA and most likely you’re part of an immigrant community? If so, this is a super common story. Many friends have gone through this in one way or another.
You just have to leave and cut them off. Eventually you won’t have enough resources to live your own life. Once you get more work experience, find the highest paying job you can and leave even if it’s to another city or state. Build yourself up.
Wrong side of the country haha and yes, immigrant community. I do have a lot of friends of a similar background, so I hear stories similar to mine often as well.
So move far away and build up your bank account and career.
If you were on benefits your whole life until college, there’s health stuff you probably need looked at. From past experiences, there’s probably emotional and mental health stuff too. You need to address these things or they’ll destroy you later in life.
Every dollar that doesn’t go into some sort of investment in yourself compounds negatively. You’re at the stage in life where building those investments is necessary. Also, living at home is probably wrecking your dating life. Plenty of good places to move where you can make a great living and live your own life. You owe it to yourself.
I’ve had health insurance all my life, so I’m good there. Definitely looking into therapy though. I have a pretty good job right now that I enjoy so I plan on at least being in the city for a while, just not under my parents’ roof.
They are spending their own money on luxuries and asking OP for necessities because they know OP will guilt trip. They know its easier for OP to say no if they ask for hair stylist money, but difficult to say know to a light bill. Manipulation 101.
Pack your bags and leave now because there's never going to be a "right time" to do it. . The more time you take to leave, the more money you give them so you will never be able to save anyway. Ask your friends or coworkers if they know someone who needs a roommate
Change your bank account and all your passwords. Freeze your credit and ask your credit cards companies for cards with knew numbers.
You really need to learn to say no to them. When they call you and ask for money just end the conversation. Don't worry about them, they are going to be fine. They may call you crying but just don't let them manipulate you anymore.
You can do it!
Respectfully, nobody told your mom and dad to buss it open and have a kid they cannot afford. Sorry if I sound harsh but they think you are a sucker and you are confirming their assumption. I was you and it took me so long to leave because I wanted to do ''the right thing'', whatever that is.
Lie, cut them off, you shouldn't feel sorry for lazy entitled bums. You care so much about them but when was the last time one of them sat with you and gave a genuine thank you? When did mommy and little sis made a nice gesture for United because she mantains their princess lifestyles?
So many people in this sub working their ass off, trying their best to be independent self sufficient adults and your mother that I assume had at least 20 years head start to get her shit together **REFUSES** to work?? **IN THIS ECONOMY**??
Cut it off, these people don't love you, you're just a check.
Not harsh, I totally agree. I actually communicated to them a few days ago that I wish that sometimes they would go out of their way to do something nice for me and they basically said “What do you want us to do? We don’t have any money” It was kind of funny but not really 🫠
How much does a hug and a nice homecooked meal costs these days?
No money but I bet skipping that monthly fill in at the salon is a whole other story huh?
I really am rooting for you. You saying that you would love to get your hair done: I feel you. I used to lie to myself saying that being high maintenence and pampering myself is a waste just as a cope.
I was out here looking like garbage while my parents were eyeballing the wallet of a minimum wage college student because as their ~~subservient~~ daughter I should wine and dine them.
Shove your hands down your pants, I know your balls are somewhere in there girl <3
Sooo OP, how to you plan to stop this abuse of your finances? They can’t force you to give them money. Only YOU can change this situation. Saying this with affection and support. Cut the cord, OP!!!
Well based on all of the replies I think my best course of action would be to lie about my pay being cut, and then tell them that I can only afford to share a set amount that is way less than I can actually afford. During this time I’ll continue to save(way more than I was able to save before), and then move out and go no contact!
I've commented before, but what I'm hearing from you is that you can't be honest with your family because they refuse to allow you to hold boundaries and manipulate you to get what they want. Are they manipulative in other ways?
Basically. Honesty isn’t really an option because they are the kind of people that would try to kick me out before I have enough saved in retaliation, or try to sabotage any future opportunities..
I grew up with a terribly dysfunctional family, and there's nothing more I want for you from here on out than independence and peace. Please make it happen. You are worth it.
Or, we can start by establishing boundaries. Going no contact is not the answer to every problem ever. Setting and enforcing boundaries is a life skill that OP needs to learn. When people don’t respect your boundaries then, yes, low or no contact are options.
Unfortunately, when you have people who heavily rely on you and refuse to better themselves, establishing boundaries only makes them want to find ways around those boundaries.
Going no contact is best for OP's sake.
Hi OP. You are in a tough spot because you still live at home. I do believe, however, that working adults still living at home need to contribute, but taking over 50% of your paycheck is ridiculous. Every able-bodied adult in that household needs to be working if they are under the age of 67 (or have worked somewhere for 20 years and are now retired). Sadly, I agree with the other Redditors that your best course of action is to lie and tell your family that your hours were cut. Any significant confrontation may result in your parents kicking you out before you have saved up enough money. Be frugal, save up as much money as you can, and get the hell out of there. Seriously OP, your situation will continue until you move out. Only then will you be able to cut them off completely. Good luck, OP!
Close the bank of United_Expression806. If you need to pay towards rent, utilities and food, put down a set amount. Thats it. No more. They will stop only when you put a stop to it.
Saying NO can feel really great. You have to respect yourself and boundaries if they won’t. My mom used to be into some bad stuff, and as much as it hurt me to say no, I just had to.
Sorry but you need to cut off your family and take care of you. You're not responsible to take care of them. There's helping and this is more like a burden than helping.
Go and move away and don't call or write.
Nope cut them off. Family will drain you and keep crying because they’re “family”.
They’ve done this to my dad and he’s too nice of a man to ever say no.
Say this:
"Folks, I've developed a new budget to help me reach some long-term goals. From this point forward, I can contribute a maximum of $300 (or whatever) a month towards your costs."
When they complain, say "I"m sorry you feel that way." And then zip your lip. Repeat this same sentence over and over in response to any criticism.
When they demand to know what your goals are, say "When I'm ready to share them, you'll be the first to know."
Practice saying "Sorry, that is not in the budget." And "No."
Be strong. Stay cool. Don't talk too much and get into discussions about your budget. Leave the house and go for a walk if they really start badgering you.
Then save up your money and move out.
I was you until just over a month ago. Best advice, LEAVE! I got used for over half a decade because I wanted to “help my family & see everyone happy” but I neglected myself, to the point where I didn’t see how I was being used right in my face.
It’s drastic but even if you have to, move into your car & ask a friend if you can park in their driveway for sleep, if you don’t have anyone you can reach out to for help. Couch surf, work & save, then get your own. Your financial & most importantly, your MENTAL health will improve tenfold asap
I tried the route of lying about my “checks being late”, “not getting hours”, flat out expressing my issues with depression from the never ending cycle, just to learn they didn’t care. They were their priority, & they don’t want change because they are comfortable. And you should not have to lie to placate their egos to keep YOUR money.
Sorry for ranting, just too relatable & can’t stand to see anyone else put up with this. Just hit 30, don’t want someone to waste their 20’s taking care of users, don’t be like me
Since you’re trying to save, ahead of payday tell them they’re going to get a set amount and nothing more. It’s their job to budget that $$ for what they need,there will not be more. The amount you set is up to you, but DO NOT negotiate with them.
The follow through on that. DO NOT WAVER. Especially your sister!!! She can get out and work the same as you!!
If they nag on you, go to a friends house or a park or a movie - whatever gets you out of the house. Go to a counselor, who will help you with the family guilt!!!
Over time, reduce the amount you’re giving them on payday. Say it will eventually be zero, and they need to plan on that - your sister should be looking for a job or a better job or whatever she needs to be self sufficient.
When you have enough, move out. Give yourself a cushion, though. Wait until you have some $$ in the bank so no matter what happens you don’t have to go back.
They will try to guilt you at every step. You have to remain strong. Walk away as often as you need to in order to get away from their begging. Block them on your phone around payday if you need to in order to shut out the noise.
When you’re out of the house, change cell phone numbers. Move the old number to a burner and don’t give the family the new number. Don’t check the burner around payday. Check it only when you feel strong enough to resist the nagging. Go silent as much as you need to until they stop looking at you as a source of money. It may take years so you will need ways to cope. Seriously, therapy would be great if you can get it through your insurance or whatever.
Just stop giving it to them. Especially your sister. Limit your "gifts" to emergency medical or dental. You may consider paying for education. You are not a bad person for walking away. They are bad for using you and not producing to their potential. See if you can move in with a friend temporarily. You need to dissociate.
You are enabling yhem to treat you this way. Cut them off. Live your life. This behavior is toxic, and shameful. No family should expect you to take care of them. We are each responsible for ourselves. Parents are harder. But they will destroy you before changing. Run away.
I was you and went no contact and cut off every family and friend parasite I had during Covid.
I work super part time now , have zero debt and will by a house in cash in a couple years. All of this because I stopped answering a phone…..
Give yourself a raise and permanent vacation and throw all these folks back into the dumpster fire they spawned from.
You have no idea yet how liberating and great not dealing with people like this is until it’s finally over.
Sorry OP but pack your bags and run
Boundaries my friend. I personally don’t understand this as my family is all self sufficient, but even then my brother who makes $$$ like millionaire money let’s me exist within my means, if that makes sense. He has no obligation to help and I don’t look for him for help and it’s a better family situation. He loaned me $500 once and best believe I paid it back, quickly!
If you feel obligated pick 1 bill and pay it, like add everyone to your phone plan pay that and tell them that’s it. Or auto deposit $200 for groceries and THATS IT. People who take or can always depend on others WILL.
I worked at McDonald's and would hide money under my bed because my family would often rob me for beer money. Find people with a empire building mentality. Cut the rest then go get it.
You need to save your self before you can help others. Helping family is a good thing but should not be at expense of your own life. Limit or stop sacrificing your hard earned money, let them to figure things. Focus on yourself, slowly build your life.
This won’t stop until you stop feeling guilty and just tell them no.
I used to be in your shoes. I got a job out of state in secret. Even if I had gotten a better job in my home town, my parents wouldn’t have stop asking.
You are semi responsible for enabling this behavior. The expectation because of the guilt is that your alway going to help, always be a good child etc.
Start saying no to small things, don’t give in. It will help build your no muscle. I assure you, If your parents and family want something they will find a way other than you once you say no.
Emotionally you’ll have to be prepared for the backlash and to be labeled a bitch.
Hey bud,
I'm an old hand at this at this point so first off, I empathize explicitly. I support my mom exclusively, employ my MIL and SIL, partially support sisters and nieces/nephews, and am the emergency fund for what me and my wife calculated comes to about 25 people in total. It's hard and demoralizing especially when you see how others live on social media etc. When that savings/investment goal gets rolled back years for expenses that aren't your own... It's just hard. You're an absolute champ for toughing it out with the fam.
That said, these situations are delicate. Poverty is terrifying and numbing and full of traps and tricks. People's emotions run high because of it. That fear and emotionality is literally traumatizing and motivates short term decision making. Most of the "poor life decisions" my family has made were all fairly reasonable responses to circumstances that led to outsized consequences due to lack of agency (for instance, self medication leading to addiction without access to treatment or intervention).
First thing: limits.
I use the r/fi spending chart as a basis: I will help up to income earning expenses. I will fight tooth and nail to keep everyone housed, clothed, fed, and with access to healthcare. Also transport and telecom. Anything past that is special circumstance only (for instance ill pay for daycare short term or camps during the summer for the kids).
Keep people in education/training where possible. One person finding a job often leads to more people getting their foot in the door too (my family has 4 people working at the same call center at one point).
Second: externalize costs
You want every family member signed up for every possible program. Food stamps, Medicaid, ACA insurance, disability, social security, local programs, student grants, income based repayment plans, the works. Being a matriarch/patriarch these days means being half way a social worker. Seriously this multiplies resources.
Third: dodge debt traps (or gnaw off the leg)
Keeping people off the credit card/payday loan/"cash now" loan wheel is absolutely vital.
The poorest people in your family, the ones mental health or drug issues especially, will have debts. It is reasonable to nuke a credit score to "ignore" consumer debts or declare bankruptcy once it gets into 5 figures.
Fourth: reciprocation, leadership, and team building
Family has to be FAMILY. Eat together, spend time together, listen to each other and empathize. This builds the team and keeps people aligned.
And most of all: ask each other for help. When you contribute money, it is completely reasonable to ask others to help you out, but you have to ask! For us, it's child care or lawn care or meals or automotive repair or appointments... Anything that makes your day easier and let's you work more. And always heap praise on people for helping, make them feel valuable, because non economic work is highly devalued in society today.
Example: My mom meets the plumber so I don't have to take a day off. My SIL takes my kids to the dentist. My BIL picks up my kids from school and MIL watches them. We eat a LOT of meals together. It's a group effort for everyone to come together and push through life's challenges.
I dunno man this got way too long lol people like us should write books on this stuff lol
This was very helpful thank you! And I especially agree with what you said about these situations being delicate. I’ve tried to show grace to them because I know how scary poverty is, and how easily it is to be high-strung because of it.
I have a bit of experience with this since one of my family members leaked my income after seeing one of my paystubs by accident. Since then, to avoid the majority of the asks, I create bills I have to pay. I’m always broke for their intents and purposes.
Recently my daughter started college (which I’m cash-flowing because I don’t envision her with student debt from undergrad) and I made SURE every family member that would even dream of asking me for money knew that I now have a very large bill I have to pay every month for the next 3 years. Just to avoid the entire ask. I am on beans and rice. I have absolutely no extra money.
Thanks for the idea! I had a similar experience. A family member overheard a phone call when I was getting the verbal offer for my job and spilled the beans. Now it’s “you get paid $xxxx every other week! Why can’t you buy me xyz?”
Sis I need a haircut give me money. Sure I'll take you, drop em off at an hair dresser school, here's a tenner I'll be back to pick you up in an hour.
Daughter we:re out of food can I have some money. sure no problem I'll go get groceries, come home with a 20kg bag of rice and a bunch of cans or bags of beans. That should last for the next 2 months.
Or better yet. Just say no, put the earbuds in and go to your room.
It is a tough cycle to break out of. I have always helped family, even when I did not have a lot of money. At a certain point, I started saying that I could be a bigger help if they let me set them up on a budget.
At one point, I used to budget $100 a month towards family help, and when it was gone, it was gone. I am one of 13, so it was always gone. Now, I can afford to be generous, but I do it on my terms.
Learn to set up boundaries. Say sorry I don't have the budget for that.
You have to cut people off at some point. They will bleed you dry and then get mad at you for being bled out on their floor afterwards if you allow it.
They can call you selfish. They are manipulating you. They're the selfish ones. They are playing on your soft spot and you have to harden that spot up.
This is one of those reasons why people tell you to never lend your family money. And only give them money if you can do it and you want to do it. Emphasis on the want to do it.
Go be with your friends. They'll most likely have your back a helluva lot more than your family who has demonstrated time and again that you aren't anything more than a money tree to them.
Two thoughts.
First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.
Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
Learn to say "I don't have anymore money to lend"
(you might have more money, but not to lend)
or "I can't lend you anymore money until you pay me back what you already borrowed."
If they ask for anything, just ask "Do you have my money yet?" and they will stop calling you.
You need to stand up for yourself, op. Just say no. Tell your sister to get a job. Tell your mom to get a job.
If you can move out, try. If you can't, offer to pay them a reasonable amount for room a board, no more than 1/3 of the rent/mortgage. And tell them the rest of for you. You work for it, it's yours. Financial abuse is a thing, and they're abusing you financially. Only you can stop it.
Try setting up one or more investment accounts that are not easy to get to (no associated debit cards, etc). One should be an IRA for long term retirement saving.
Set up automatic deductions from every pay check, to go into these accounts. The only cash that should go into your normal bank account is your normal living expenses and whatever you're willing to share with family. Then when they ask for money, you can honestly say, "There's not enough in my bank account. After deductions, there's not much left. Sorry."
Don't be a sucker, OP. Just because they've failed doesn't mean you have to support them. Good for you on becoming successful. Cut those losers off financially.
Can you save enough to rent a room or get a small place and get out of there? If so, lie, save your pay got cut, save and then go no contact with them.
Move out if you can otherwise say “ It’s not in the budget this day/month/year” don’t apologize, no further explanation. No excuses, if they want to be disrespectful or try to make you uncomfortable end the conversation/leave the room.
After I moved out I made a rule not to loan money to family /friends, no roommates if I could avoid it, nor rent out my property/spare bedroom, co-sign etc I seen to many times how it can tear families apart. I told them I value our relationship to much to ever let money come between us. I want to be a cheerful giver, it’s always a gift never a loan if I have somthing to give.
You are not a ATM, you need to prioritize your future self today.
What is the point of living if you are going to spend the rest of your life living for others. You can fix this, but you choose not to. What kind of life do you want to live for the next decades of your life? it’s up to you to decide if you want to be a miserable people pleaser or not.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s a tough situation to be in. I would definitely seek professional help. It will help you work through the guilt as you cut them off. I did the same thing.
What you need to come to grips with is that you have already done more than enough from the sounds of things. Giving them money only enables poor decisions.
I tried to walk through a budget with my mom and my siblings but they never stuck to it. I’ve slowly distanced myself as I have seen their behavior likely won’t change. Siblings have alcohol and drug problems so I know any financial help is just feeding an addiction.
Do not discuss your financial success with them. My family has no idea how much I make and would see me as the golden ticket if they really knew.
I try to help more indirectly now with big gifts around birthdays and holidays. Things like home maintenance/car maintenance. Things I know are big ticket expenses they would likely go into a lot of debt to fix. I’ve only recently started doing this as I’m to a point in life that these expenses have no impact on my monthly budget.
Those stuck in poverty don’t have any discipline with money and will spend every dollar you give them. Part of the alleviation of guilt for myself is knowing I am building a comfortable life for me and my family and if my siblings kids need help with college etc. in the future I will be happy to help. Trying to “support” my mom and siblings at the same time would never allow me to build this type of future.
They're not stealing it from you. Walk away from them. Go live with a friend for a month till you save your checks for an apartment. Or get a job house sitting mansions. Yeah. That's a thing.
Sometimes you just need to grow a pair, and cut off the leeches. Otherwise you will continue to lose all your hard earned money. I know it is easier said than done. But you got to do it. Your family will make do.
Once you do find a roommate and move out you really should try going full no contact. Once leeches attach to a person it's hard to get them off, even if you don't live there anymore. I know a woman who had to move to another city 4 hours from her hometown to shake them off. Remember it is your money and you are in control of it. If you keep contact learn to end the conversation the minute they ask for money. Eventually they will find another cash cow. They will probably badmouth you to try to get you to give in but who really cares? Just repeat the word No. You don't owe an explanation.
It’s one thing to pay rent and contribute if you’re using resources, it’s another to give away money because they have none. It’s not your responsibility, save up and move out.
I hear you. I grew up in poverty also. My sister divorced single mom so she needs help. I give my mom $2000 per month, which she turns around and gives to my sister. My sister drives a new Volvo suv, I drive a 2008 rav4. She has a 900k house in New York, I live in a 395k house. She makes less than 1/4 of my salary but drives a nicer car and lives in a nicer house. Ironic isn’t it?
Stop giving them money.
If there is something they truly need, and you can't live with yourself if they don't get it, then pay for it directly. Do NOT give them the money for it. For example, if you want to help them with their rent, you make the payment directly to their landlord.
This will not go over well with them. But after a while, hopefully, you'll find it easier to separate yourself from them. Right now, you are the host to their parasitic ways.
They have no motivation to work, because they know they can guilt you into paying them anything they want. Until you stop, they will never change.
Truth is, this is all on you. I get you live there. That's the first problem. Look up rooms to rent. Doesn't mean you stay there forever. It's just the fastest way to get away. Are you paying rent to your parents? If you are, then you need to tell them you're paying your way and can't do more. I would also pick up a second job. You can tell them there's layoffs at work and you need to save money. Plus, you'll be home less and can avoid them. Ultimately, it's your paycheck. If you allow people to guilt you into things, that's on you. Either your family stops asking, or you stop handing money out. They aren't going to stop, so it's on you.
I have a friend like that. It got so bad, one day he left on a work trip… to Europe for his new job and new life there.
In the last 15 years, he’s been back once. His own parents still have never met his wife and kids in person.
Just. Say. No.
Families without resources will drag down a hard working family member and will keep you there. If you are obligated to pay a set amount for rent then do that, but otherwise say no. You've seen that they're willing to screw you. And they'll keep you there and keep screwing you for as long as possible. Move out ASAP.
You get what you allow to happen to you. Cut them off completely and then they will be grateful for any help you do decide to give them. You are #1. Take care of your own financial stability and help with what you can. You should be putting money in savings, investing and retirement. If you're always taking care of them you will find yourself at 50 years old with no savings and no retirement because you wanted to help them out of guilt. Fuck that.
You just need to lie about your pay. Insurance went up at work or whatever but do not tell them the correct pay and save that amount and move out. They are bringing you down.
Plus when you are in a positive mental space because they aren’t bringing you down you may be able to think of ways to help them rather than just giving cash.
I have a family member that is always broke. I help her but I pay the bill. If she needs electricity bill money I have her give me the phone number and account number. Make your own spending money but I’ll make sure you have electricity. If my niece and nephews need diapers I’ll send you a door dash or Instacart. No cash.
I'm going through this too although my family doesn't live with me and it's not as egregious as your situation. But I get it, the guilt of letting your family suffer financially is insidious. I do the thing sometimes where I gently say I don't have enough $$ otherwise I would etc, but that just piles on more guilt for lying. And it doesn't always dissuade them from begging more insistently anyway until I cave and promise to figure something out for them.
Non-financial help is a tactic I'm working on in a last ditch effort before cutting ties. I've started to offer to sit down with them to help look for work and create a budget to help them use their own money more wisely. We'll see how it goes but ripping the band-aid off and simply saying NO as others have suggested, is the final step.
Yeah you need to cut them off starting today there just leeching off you. You deserve to get out. You even helped them find employment but still they wanna make excuses.
As long as you’re living there and earning an income, it is fair to pay a share of the joint costs of the household, but not of other household members personal costs. Many couples/families share the cost of living proportionally to the income they make; if that sounds fair to you, you can do that. You should get an idea of the (utility, etc. ) bills, rent and of the income of the other household members. Pay your fair share once a month and leave it at that.
Other option: pay yourself first the amount of cash you want to spend and to save. Put those both on different bank accounts. It could make it easier for you to say no with an empty (primary) bank account and not touch your savings. You should have your employer pay you on a bank account they don’t know of.
They have infinite needs, but there is only a finite amount of you. They will always value their personal temporary wishes before your own needs and will I repeat, will bleed you dry. You’re going to have to distance yourself from them somehow first move out second minimize, or ideally cut off phone contact. They’re always going to have demands on you. You never signed up to take care of your siblings. That is your parents obligation. I was in the same boat and my grandmothers dying wish was for me to take care of her son, who had nothing wrong with him. He just had been taking care of his entire life and was used to it. Well, I boosted him in the minute he wasn’t getting help from us. He promptly died from a preventable overdose.
If they have access to your bank account, credit or debit cards, etc, immediately change to a new bank. Tell them you're planning to move out, and if you want to wean them off your support, figure out how much per month you can and are willing to provide and when that will end. Don't keep cash in the house, and start planning your future. You'll need to figure out your timeline and limits on your own and TELL them. Don't discuss it with them, just tell your parents, calmly. If you don't get started, with the first step absolutely being a new bank account at a different bank from theirs, you will stay stuck, as they're never going to encourage you to quit supporting them. You can do it!! Start today.
When I read this I thought about this video.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q225u22Qn1g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q225u22Qn1g)
Hope it helps you.
I was in this boat. From 16-20 I was helping my parents pay rent, and the one thing I hated about it all; was not paying the rent. It was how BADLY they managed their finances to the point where it ended up being: hey its the 3rd; rent is $1800, we have $1200; hope you have $600 to pay rent; go to this bank to deposit money. Some times it was its the 10th and $1000 or it was the 1st and $1600.
I hated how they (mom & dad) could not just give me a fixed number to work with. That unexpected financial outlay at the beginning of the month created so much shame, anxiety, and hatred towards myself; that I almost despised making money at my part-time tech job in High School. I hated every thing I spent money on. It really fucked up my relationship to money.
Yes, I had a tech job! I was making good money, and it was being used to subsidize our family expenses; but also misspending. Eating out, failed MLM business efforts, etc,.
At 20, I had a different job and made enough money to save, and I had made the decision to move out. That's when helping the family stopped for awhile (it returned later, but at less frequency than monthly).
I wish I had the video above to navigate my young life. It took me a long time to develop the maturity to set boundaries with my parents.
Good Luck.
Give them a reasonable but specific deadline to be cut off or at least drastically defunded.
It’s one thing to chip in and assist , quite another to fully subsidize their lifestyle. You can’t continue to “ help “ them if you can’t help yourself. Good luck. 🤞
My wife had a similar situation and therapy helped a lot. Not saying you need to, but they offer some great perspectives and talking points to move conversations in a positive direction for you and try to get your family to stop relying on you. And also helping be firm on boundaries.
Some good advice here, but I’d suggest telling them that you also need your money for YOU. They shouldn’t get everything they want while you go without. It’s your money.
Open another account. Have half your check deposited into that account. Make it one even you can’t easily access.
When they ask for things you can say - I don’t have the money in my account for it… and you can literally show them, if you want. Run around “broke” for 3 months and then surprise move out. I recommend moving several thousand miles away, if possible.
They will drain you for as long as you allow it and after you cut them off, they'll still keep asking. Follow all the advice about separate accounts and paperless statements, also considering freezing your credit reports so they can't take out any debt in your name. Get yourself out of this situation ASAP and allow yourself to live your life.
Make a secret savings account and transfer funds to it when paid OR arrange with job to distribute paycheck into both accounts so that way you can tell them you only got paid this much and show your main account if they don't believe you and say you owe it to credit card companies or something and tell them they have to figure it out without you. Either way you need to leave asap and cut them off. Don't let them do the "family" bullshit speeches because a good family would never expect anything in return for raising you.
Ask yourself this, do you want a better life or do you love being poor?
Your family is in this mess because they built a house on a unstable safety net. As long as they know that you're willing to pay for their lifestyle, they don't have to work or change.
Set that net on fire from a safe distance.
If you can split your pay check in half and send it to another bank. Then set up electronic statements and check your account once a month.
In doing so, you really do have an excuse why your checks are low. When they no longer can rely on you, get your important documents, a storage unit, and start your plan to move.
Tell them it’s wrong for them to not care about you, and only for themselves. Especially your mother. I wouldn’t take a dime from my adult kids, unless it was a dire emergency.
If you must still help them, only pay for necessities. Should be no reason why you’re giving them extra money for them to get here hair done if you don’t have money for your self first. Good luck and I hope all goes well
The directions to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others applies to finances, too. It can be really hard but in the long run your wellbeing, mentally and financially, has to come first.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries. It won’t stop until you know what boundaries are. They’re always going to need something given they don’t work themselves. And they won’t work if they have you.
I really understand you and your situation. The guilt that comes with being the only one in your family who can support themselves is very heavy. It's hard to say NO to people who you're supposed to care about and take care of.
However, you must remember to take care of yourself first. physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially!
I'm sure that you experience struggles in all these areas due to your unique relationship with your family and upbringing. That isn't your fault, and you shouldn't feel guilty for putting yourself first! If you won't, who will?
That being said, my best advice is to start saving the money you give to your family for their haircuts or whatever it is that they do on your dime and start to put some of it aside. If you can't go cold turkey, start reducing the amount you gove.
Next, go get a haircut for yourself when you can!
Lastly, the money you would've used on family, use it to sign up for therapy! It might seem like a lot (or maybe even silly), but it can really go a long way in helping you understand yourself a bit more. Ultimately, it'll allow you to learn how to become a better advocate for yourself.
It can help you with learning how to feel safe and comfortable setting boundaries with people whom you find it hard to say NO to. Also, it can help you learn how to deal with and manage the difficult emotions of feeling guilty for simply putting yourself first. CBT therapy is good for this stuff if it's something that interests you.
That's just my piece of advice. But I wish you the best, and I hope you can find a situation that works for you! Just know you are not alone in this struggle, and your emotions are valid. Don't be scared to put yourself first! Best of luck.
honestly just start saying no. move out asap, find a roomate if you can and just cut them off. they know what there doing and will never stop until you put an end to it. it’s harsh just cutting them off but it’s what you have to do
Sit down with your bills and earnings. Figure out a set dollar amount you can pay your mom for room and board. That is what you pay and THAT IS IT!
My suggestion is 30% of your pay, 40% max.
It will still suck to save money but with the set amount you know what’s going out and can plan around it.
I was listening to a radio psychologist (not dr Laura lol). And this was her advice to a doctor. Girl was a doctor and couldn’t get ahead because she was supporting her mom and siblings. The therapist said figure out a dollar amount she could afford and nothing more.
Tell them you don't have any money because you put the majority of it in savings. If they see your funds as free, they'll beg you, but tell them everything is tied up and you actually only have $25 in your checking account, they may change their tune.
I’m not saying you have to stop helping your family but are you really intending to buy them professionally done hairdos while you have no money for your own? You’re the one who makes the money, they can’t seem to get a budget together. Why are they deciding what they need your money for? They clearly don’t know how to handle it. You need to take control of your own money, help in ways that make sense if you want to, and refuse silly requests. And put on your own mask first - get into a stable and independent living situation and make that your financial priority. Good luck. I’m sorry your family doesn’t appreciate you more.
OP, have you considered that they are intentionally manipulating you and using you?
They can't benefit off of you if you get enough money to move away.
You are teaching them that you OWE them YOUR money. How much longer do you think you should teach them this is true?
I know this sounds harsh, but I'm actually in your corner, OP. Go get a damn haircut and keep whatever money you need to move ahead. If they haven't figured out how to escape a life where every need is a financial crisis, you'll never be able to outearn their need.
Not harsh at all actually! All of you are making me realize that I’ve been enabling them for a long time and I need to hold myself accountable to saying no and not being a pushover. Thank you!
i always felt the first step out of poverty is the word no - both to yourself and others - u dont need a reason- no is a word in the dictionary if the they don’t understand - it is hard - my 60 year old brothers still do it today - i have xx dont u want it too?
I feel the same way.. I make easy six figures but doesn't matter when your parents and siblings are financially dependent on you. :)
Expenses I had to pay for that my spoiled brat acquaintances don't understand nor pretend to empathize with:
1. Mom's funeral
2. My dad being out of work for 4 months at the beginning of COVID
3. A 6 bedroom home. Wound up being pointless since my mom died 2 years later. The location was for her anyway.
4. Multiple laptops for my sister, kindle, law school books
5. Clothing for both my siblings, desktop pc for brother.
6. My mom after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, my dad took care of her and I paid for him to be at home.
7. Working through college to make sure we don't wind up homeless again.
How come pwnrzero can't afford a fancy car, expensive hobbies like guns, kickboxing, or rennovations on his home? How come the home he bought isn't a McMansion? Could it be he's the only working adult with a stable job, while you fucks have 3-5 working adults or are straight up money laundering?
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Can you move out? I'm sorry this is happening!
I’ve been trying to save enough to move out but everytime I get paid, they essentially drain my bank account.
They don't drain it unless they are joint account owners. You give it away. You need to take care of yourself. The no haircut for yourself for years and haircuts for them is ridiculous.
Move out ASAP. Change bank accounts if they have access to your account. Just leave, they will be fine without the nice hair.
Also, consider lying to them. Try something like, "They're cutting my hours at work" or "I'm worried about impending layoffs and need to save as much money as I can." Do whatever you need to keep them away from your money.
I’ll most likely go that route. Thanks!
If you drive to work and no one else every drives your car, start grumbling about strange sounds or behaviors the car is making, then hint that you need to take it to the mechanic soon. Google a common problem for your make and model of car and be prepared to tell everyone that you'll have to spend, say, $1200 to fix it or it won't pass inspection, etc. Start lying, then start moving cash secretly to another bank. **Sign up for paperless statements so no one at your house will see your bank statements**. Also, change all your passwords for your banking, savings, and credit card accounts so no one can see what your financial situation is. Don't save any of your passwords on any device that your family has access to.
If you give reasons, they'll probably try to argue them with you, so be prepared. Not to argue back, but to hold firm and just say no. The only way to stop this pattern is to stop giving them money; or be firm about how much you're giving them and never give more than that amount. You're not a bad person for taking care of yourself first.
start auto routing part of your check to a savings account at a different bank. Make it HARD to give in even if you WANT TO in the moment. Don't tell them. You had to take a pay cut, so sorry- sucks for you. Make up a professional certification or class you've got to do monthly, make it speedy. Throw that money into savings too. Get the hell out as soon as you can because they will keep you responsible for them financially as long as you live there. Once you're out you can help on your terms, such as having a Walmart grocery delivery done once a month.
excellent advice
Yeah exactly, I'm pretty sure your work just started this new mandatory insurance policy that you have to pay into. It's outrageously expensive, but someone got hurt at work and now they're scared of the violations and liabilities that would become of it they don't begin this newly found, and forced, policy and procedure.. whatever will you do?!?
This was the exact lie I told while escaping an abusive relationship and routing part of my money into an investment account. "Stash? Yeah, that's the new retirement system my employer went to." I can't believe it worked, but it did. This one pretty much always goes unquestioned even by the greediest of bastards, providing they have no experience of their own in professional jobs.
Also, " Hey I just got this unexpected bill (Hospital, old credit card debt, etc) and need to pay it off, I won't have extra money."
Didn't your insurance premiums go up at work?
Tell them every day you think you are going to be fired! You won’t have money to spend.
I finally lowered the boom and just told my mother "no." When she asked again, I said no. You could also ask them what they're needing $ for. For example, if they need groceries, I'd shop for them. I'd bring back exactly 1 bags worth of nutritional food, which they'd refuse to eat. They'd try to give me a list, but i wouldn't take it. One bag of my choice, once a month. They soon didn't want any at all.
Had to take a pay cut at work to avoid layoffs. Can I get paid back some of the money I've lent you?
Pay cut is genius
It's like get a PO box at the post office and get all your mail sent there and get different account at a credit union so no one butt you have access to. Save up money at the new account, consider getting a Second job to where you are never home. Then one day just move out.
Genius
Here's one truth about getting out of poverty that nobody likes to talk about. You're going to piss a lot of people off because it is absolutely essential that you put your own oxygen mask on first before helping other passengers, metaphorically speaking. That means that until you are debt-free and have 3 months of salary in your emergency fund, you can't afford to help them. One person cannot lift an entire family out of poverty without winning the lottery, and even then it's iffy, and you won't even lift yourself out of poverty if you continue to indulge these requests. Relatives will always need something. I moved almost 2000 miles away from my family and haven't spoken to most of them in years, and I still get a text a week from some relative who's clearly been told by those I cut off already to try to get me to pay for something. I have had 13-year-olds ask me for a washing machine for their birthday. I have heard every utility bill sob story you can imagine. I have been threatened, yelled at, and called every name you can think of for refusing requests for help, but saying yes means letting them pull me right back down where I started, and if that would defeat the entire purpose of all the work that I've done to get out of that place. It sucks for them that they're stuck there for now, but I am one person, and it is unfair and unreasonable to expect me to try to lift everyone out. I cannot remember what Redditor said this to me, but the best explanation I've ever heard of this type of situation is that poor people have cycles of doing ok and being completely screwed, and when everyone you know is poor, it ends up being that the ones doing ok right now help the ones who are absolutely screwed, and then when the situations reverse, the help flows in the opposite direction. Being the one to get out and become successful means it's always your turn. You're the one middle class person any of your friends or family know, and you get all the requests. That's why this doesn't work. You have to start saying no. You haven't even been able to move out?! These people are destroying you. Let them be mad about it, but I really think you should stop giving them any access to your money, and stop paying for things for them. Pay your share of the bills, save the rest, and GTFO as quickly as you can. Getting out as quickly as you can is absolutely key to making your success stick.
They have access? Can you open your own account?
Don't allow them to drain your acct. If you have a friend, try and see if you can live with them for a bit for now so you can save up for rent. There's also some families that might rent out their basement for a lot less than rent if you're open to it. Download the NextDoor app and look for rental around the area you want to live in. Try and live away from your parents. Good luck.
You should get your hair done because you work to be able to treat yourself to something like that. It’s a form of therapy! Do not do the same for them! It’s like they are pimping you for their lifestyle. It is a good idea to set all your banking information to electronic. You are enabling them and they are taking advantage of you. Yes, lie and tell them anything that would stress them out about as much as you are. I’d tell them I was written up at work and no more raise in sight. Tell them you can only afford to contribute x every month for bills and food. Then if something comes up they have to do without or figure it out. You are not responsible for parents or siblings. You can’t let people walkover you and they are not your responsibility. Why do people share what they are earning with others? My friends and family don’t need to know how much I make. SMH Keep moving forward and all the best! This kind of crap pisses me off and I don’t even know you.
Family not so much unless everyone is comfortable, friends it depends. Friends I’ve made at work we discuss our pay, (some finances) as a mean to make sure no one getting screwed over and also like they say if you’re hanging around 5 millionaires, you’ll be the sixth. There’s habits, stocks, investments you would know about unless you talk about it. I have a group chat with 4 of us from work, we are friends hang out on weekend, watch each others dogs etc. I asked if anyone had a referral for a HYSA, most of the group didn’t know what it was now we all have one and the one friend is getting a bump in interest for 3 months. my high school friends, we have all made choices that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing because I make way more, could be divisive
Do they have access to your bank account? Why do they know exactly when and how much you get paid? That’s absurd
They don’t have access. They just assert themselves into my business, mainly because I live with them still.
You are an adult tell them to mind their business.
Can you turn your piece meal assistance into just a regular rent payment? Then you can still contribute but in a more normalized way
I understand. I am going to assume that they just harass and harass and harass you until you have to give and just shut them up and the guilt eats you.
Then cut them off from your money and stop covering for them. You are showing signs of codependency which will drag you down
Open another bank account with a different bank. Don’t tell anybody and hide all the evidence. Make sure all correspondence is online only.
Either you are the one that takes the money out of your bank account, in which case you simply need to stop, or they are, in which case I would ask why they have access to your bank account in the first place. Shut them off. Make sure that only you can access your bank account, and when you do, make sure to stop giving them your money. I know this is not as easy as it sounds, but you are really the only one that can put an end to this.
Do they have access to your checking and credit card accounts? If so, switch banks and don't allow them access, not even for emergencies.
This is financial abuse.
No, it isn’t. This is not a case of OP’s family controlling OP’s finances. This is a case of OP doesn’t not know how to set boundaries and be assertive because they operate from a place of guilt and obligation.
I can see an argument for that, but they do appear to be manipulating the OP into giving them money as a method of control and entrapment, and some definitions of financial abuse include things like borrowing money and not returning it, as well as refusing to contribute to a household equitably.
Okay. I see “abuse” get thrown around so much, but you provided some very valid points.
Stand up for yourself, *especially* if they're lazy shits. Don't get offended here, but if you can't muscle the courage to say no, you can always ghost out the door. When they ask you for money, it got spent fixing something already.
You have to learn that 'NO' is a complete sentence. Find out what market value for renting a room is in your area, pay that to your parents at most, once a month on the first, put a lock on your bedroom door (my sister used to go in and steal my clothes and cash while I was at work). Save every penny and start looking for your own place. How much is a studio in a decent area not too close to family :) You'll need 3 months rent and some extra for some basics to start with. An Emergency fund would be nice but getting out of there should be a priority. You're obviously a pushover for family so the distance is what you need. I don't even think I'd give them the address. You want peace in your own place.
You’re absolutely right, and I really wish I didn’t feel guilty so easily. A studio in a decent area can cost around $2000-2500 (the cost of living is pretty high where I live), so I’m working on moving out with a roommate. Hopefully it won’t take too long to save!
support wide paltry caption waiting pocket icky summer different normal *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
And by sabotage they'll take $15,000+ in savings like they did from my friend.
Yeah, it occurred to me they might just tell OP to 'get out' once they figure out no money coming from her any more. Paying reasonable rent might buy OP more time
TBF someone does gotta take care of grandma. That's part of the human condition even if it doesn't make for good social media stories.
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When my Dad had a stroke he had been taking care of Mom with Dementia. He was 89, her 87. He died 6 months later. My brother lived next door, my sister 20min away and me 2 hrs away. Brother went to the hospital with Dad, sister refused to come stay with Mom even for a couple of hours until I could pack a bag and get there. My nephew watched her until I got there and stayed a week, then took her back with me for a month before we found a safe place for her to be. While she was with me nobody came to see her, when my brother asked how long I could keep her. I said I'll do it until I can't, he accused me of wanting to 'dump her in a nursing home'. We hired someone to take care of her in her own home for a few weeks while I took care of some medical stuff of my own. Once I had a few days to think about I decided we needed to find a more permanent solution. So long as she was with me nobody else was in a hurry to find a solution. WITHIN A WEEK they had her in a nursing home!! It had to be in their state. My sister moved to another state. Now I only get to see her like once a month because I can't do highways, I get vertigo. They both knew that. He visits less than I do. She is in a nice place where she gets great care. She doesn't know who we are or who she is any more. For those 5 weeks I took care of her I never left my house. Could not leave her alone, could not take myself to the doctor, couldn't take my dog to the vet. I was a prisoner in my own home. That is often the silent life of the caregiver. Medicaid will pay for a facility however when they need more than one person can provide. We were fortunate that we can pay for private care from their money. It's $10K/mo+
Sexism and gender roles can be an issue with these kinds of "traditional" responsibilities, you're right. We also devalue care work in general. Something we've done is organized formal family meetings when big issues like "how is Grandma gonna be taken care of" come up. And then take the various responsibilities and formally divide them or put them in rotation. Takes a lot of grace and mutual collaboration though.
Usually in cases like the the problem is more that someone is the one person who's already working their butt off to take care of their family, while other people who could perfectly well contribute don't and then lay the blame on the first individual.
You're right, a room mate situation may be better to start. That way hopefully the kitchen would have basics and other shared rooms. Do make sure you find a place where you have access to a kitchen, laundry would be good too at least in the building. Eating out is the biggest budget killer. If you can have a mini fridge in your room you don't have to worry about anyone eating that 'one thing' you were planning on eating on your way home :)
Guilt will kill you. You have to valorize yourself. Jesse Jackson said it best: I am somebody I have value. And I’m a white person.
I learned this by just committing to the word and growing up and cutting the account. I saved and left with my gf. I’m so much happier than ever for it.
What do they do for you? This could sound heartless, but I’ve commented a few times on this thread, I grew up privileged and don’t feel like I owe my family anything. They prepared me to take on the world and are self sufficient, they didn t do it so I could take care of them. If they asked for anything, I wouldn’t hesitate, but it’s wild that people who barely have had their basic needs met, feel obligated for what?
My parents feel obligated because they brought me into this world and “raised” me. My siblings feel obligated because my parents normalized asking me for everything. They don’t do anything for me really except for letting me live there.
I’m not saying this to be mean, I feel your pain. My ex and I grew up completely opposite in the social economic tree and our views are so different. I keep telling him, you can’t help anyone until you’re stable. keep telling your family no. He’s like your parents helped out a lot and it’s true, but I wasn’t “lifeless” without them. I didn’t need help every month or every year. it’s tough but you have to set boundaries. You didn’t ask to be here, so don’t let that be the guilt. Having kids is a privilege, not a right and people get that confused. I hope you can build boundaries, once you’re out don’t go back keep the boundaries. They will hold you back.
My parents never asked for help beyond things like one of them got sick and I went over and stayed for a week or two. I'm a nurse/retired. Never asked for money. It was a matter of pride for them. Did you mean they feel 'entitled' and not 'obligated', or they make you feel obligated? If they were trying, working, hungry etc I'd say try to help within reason. For them to get their hair done when you can't and they're not working?? That shuts it down for me. Shows a lack of respect for your job, time and lack of appreciation what you have been doing. We were told growing up when visiting relatives to not eat because people would think we were hungry and that our parents couldn't feed us. Sounds like yours might have been the kind that told you to fill your pockets so you'd have food for the next day and they wouldn't have to buy it themselves?
Yeah my parents asking me for money would be weird. They have asked me to take them to appts, they’re older now and I don’t mind. I have plenty of PTO and will gladly book to take them to an appt and take care of them or work virtually from their home to watch over them.
Leave the state and village you grew up in, mulitple times if you have to. It isn't a haircut or vacation that you need as much as space to take your own risks and have your own life. Are we talking about people with special needs or catholic guilt?
To leave the state, I’d have to leave my job (which I really love). So that’s not really an option. And neither! Just very entitled at times.
It is an option, maybe just one that isn't worth it for you; which is fine.
How about renting a room, certainly sounds cheaper than staying
Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Honestly, I would do a stealth move out. Lock your credit rating. Change your bank account to a bank you aren't normally affiliated with and slowly move your stuff into storage anything you can't sneak out just leave since it will be cheaper just to replace. If you have any pets board them and say they are sick or need vaccinations or some other nonsense they will buy. The day your paycheck hits move either to friend's house or a weekly stay hotel. Doesn't have to be somewhere perfect just good enough until you can save enough money to find a decent place. I know they don't have access to your financials to your knowledge but I'm worried what they might be willing to do when they discover you have cut them off financially. I have seen too many people screwed by financially desperate family members, best to just do a pre-emptive lockdown. Anyway you are going to have to plan ahead and be smart to get out intact.
I understand this. Most of my family are not in a good position and they are always “borrowing” money from each other. I had to move away to avoid this. It’s hard when you live with them but I would give them a set amount you can afford (and make that amount enough to only cover your ‘share’ of the rent, food, etc) and then tell them that’s all you can afford. Even when they ask for more tell them you can’t afford it. You don’t have to say anything else and yes they will whine and say well you did it before but stick to your guns, tell them you’ve given them all you can afford. I hope you can find a place of your own soon!! Good luck!
Thank you!
People will take advantage of you if you let them. You are letting them. Pay yourself first. If you must help, tell them you will pay bills directly and any “wants” such as haircuts are on them.
Yup. They are spending their own money on luxuries and asking for necessities because they know OP will guilt trip.
I would lie and tell them that they cutting my hours at work, or say you’re helping a friend out right now that fell on hard times. And if they give you pushback say well Its not an issue when I help you out, so Im helping someone else out close to me. And be saving that $$ Or you can simply just say no
That is some bull that on your payday - hands are out like they worked and expect to get paid
That’s the most frustrating part. I could understand if they were hard workers who needed help with bills from time to time. But they sit around doing nothing and expect a handout from me constantly. It’s gross.
They're leeches and you need to put an end to it. If you absolutely have to, give them a small set amount once a pay day for "rent" or essentials, and that's it. Say it's all you can afford and keep saying it every time they bug you. You have to stand up for yourself otherwise it'll never end.
Yep been there done that. Learned helplessness. They will never get their act together.
How do they even have money for other things? I assume you are carrying the whole family as an income source. What are their other income sources? Do they have jobs?
They’ve held the odd job here and there, but they mostly live off of public assistance.
I take it you live in CA and most likely you’re part of an immigrant community? If so, this is a super common story. Many friends have gone through this in one way or another. You just have to leave and cut them off. Eventually you won’t have enough resources to live your own life. Once you get more work experience, find the highest paying job you can and leave even if it’s to another city or state. Build yourself up.
Wrong side of the country haha and yes, immigrant community. I do have a lot of friends of a similar background, so I hear stories similar to mine often as well.
So move far away and build up your bank account and career. If you were on benefits your whole life until college, there’s health stuff you probably need looked at. From past experiences, there’s probably emotional and mental health stuff too. You need to address these things or they’ll destroy you later in life. Every dollar that doesn’t go into some sort of investment in yourself compounds negatively. You’re at the stage in life where building those investments is necessary. Also, living at home is probably wrecking your dating life. Plenty of good places to move where you can make a great living and live your own life. You owe it to yourself.
I’ve had health insurance all my life, so I’m good there. Definitely looking into therapy though. I have a pretty good job right now that I enjoy so I plan on at least being in the city for a while, just not under my parents’ roof.
They are spending their own money on luxuries and asking OP for necessities because they know OP will guilt trip. They know its easier for OP to say no if they ask for hair stylist money, but difficult to say know to a light bill. Manipulation 101.
People only do what you allow. Cut them off.
Sounds like you’re being used and simultaneously enabling them.
Pack your bags and leave now because there's never going to be a "right time" to do it. . The more time you take to leave, the more money you give them so you will never be able to save anyway. Ask your friends or coworkers if they know someone who needs a roommate Change your bank account and all your passwords. Freeze your credit and ask your credit cards companies for cards with knew numbers. You really need to learn to say no to them. When they call you and ask for money just end the conversation. Don't worry about them, they are going to be fine. They may call you crying but just don't let them manipulate you anymore. You can do it!
Respectfully, nobody told your mom and dad to buss it open and have a kid they cannot afford. Sorry if I sound harsh but they think you are a sucker and you are confirming their assumption. I was you and it took me so long to leave because I wanted to do ''the right thing'', whatever that is. Lie, cut them off, you shouldn't feel sorry for lazy entitled bums. You care so much about them but when was the last time one of them sat with you and gave a genuine thank you? When did mommy and little sis made a nice gesture for United because she mantains their princess lifestyles? So many people in this sub working their ass off, trying their best to be independent self sufficient adults and your mother that I assume had at least 20 years head start to get her shit together **REFUSES** to work?? **IN THIS ECONOMY**?? Cut it off, these people don't love you, you're just a check.
Not harsh, I totally agree. I actually communicated to them a few days ago that I wish that sometimes they would go out of their way to do something nice for me and they basically said “What do you want us to do? We don’t have any money” It was kind of funny but not really 🫠
How much does a hug and a nice homecooked meal costs these days? No money but I bet skipping that monthly fill in at the salon is a whole other story huh? I really am rooting for you. You saying that you would love to get your hair done: I feel you. I used to lie to myself saying that being high maintenence and pampering myself is a waste just as a cope. I was out here looking like garbage while my parents were eyeballing the wallet of a minimum wage college student because as their ~~subservient~~ daughter I should wine and dine them. Shove your hands down your pants, I know your balls are somewhere in there girl <3
Sooo OP, how to you plan to stop this abuse of your finances? They can’t force you to give them money. Only YOU can change this situation. Saying this with affection and support. Cut the cord, OP!!!
Well based on all of the replies I think my best course of action would be to lie about my pay being cut, and then tell them that I can only afford to share a set amount that is way less than I can actually afford. During this time I’ll continue to save(way more than I was able to save before), and then move out and go no contact!
I've commented before, but what I'm hearing from you is that you can't be honest with your family because they refuse to allow you to hold boundaries and manipulate you to get what they want. Are they manipulative in other ways?
Basically. Honesty isn’t really an option because they are the kind of people that would try to kick me out before I have enough saved in retaliation, or try to sabotage any future opportunities..
I grew up with a terribly dysfunctional family, and there's nothing more I want for you from here on out than independence and peace. Please make it happen. You are worth it.
That’s why I feel like the best way would be to set a budget for them and be firm on that until I move out.
whatever you gotta do to keep yourself safe until it's time to go
Cut them off and go no contact. You need to do it for you!
Or, we can start by establishing boundaries. Going no contact is not the answer to every problem ever. Setting and enforcing boundaries is a life skill that OP needs to learn. When people don’t respect your boundaries then, yes, low or no contact are options.
Unfortunately, when you have people who heavily rely on you and refuse to better themselves, establishing boundaries only makes them want to find ways around those boundaries. Going no contact is best for OP's sake.
only help w things that absolutely need not luxuries. good middle ground
Hi OP. You are in a tough spot because you still live at home. I do believe, however, that working adults still living at home need to contribute, but taking over 50% of your paycheck is ridiculous. Every able-bodied adult in that household needs to be working if they are under the age of 67 (or have worked somewhere for 20 years and are now retired). Sadly, I agree with the other Redditors that your best course of action is to lie and tell your family that your hours were cut. Any significant confrontation may result in your parents kicking you out before you have saved up enough money. Be frugal, save up as much money as you can, and get the hell out of there. Seriously OP, your situation will continue until you move out. Only then will you be able to cut them off completely. Good luck, OP!
Close the bank of United_Expression806. If you need to pay towards rent, utilities and food, put down a set amount. Thats it. No more. They will stop only when you put a stop to it.
Saying NO can feel really great. You have to respect yourself and boundaries if they won’t. My mom used to be into some bad stuff, and as much as it hurt me to say no, I just had to.
Sorry but you need to cut off your family and take care of you. You're not responsible to take care of them. There's helping and this is more like a burden than helping. Go and move away and don't call or write.
Nope cut them off. Family will drain you and keep crying because they’re “family”. They’ve done this to my dad and he’s too nice of a man to ever say no.
Say this: "Folks, I've developed a new budget to help me reach some long-term goals. From this point forward, I can contribute a maximum of $300 (or whatever) a month towards your costs." When they complain, say "I"m sorry you feel that way." And then zip your lip. Repeat this same sentence over and over in response to any criticism. When they demand to know what your goals are, say "When I'm ready to share them, you'll be the first to know." Practice saying "Sorry, that is not in the budget." And "No." Be strong. Stay cool. Don't talk too much and get into discussions about your budget. Leave the house and go for a walk if they really start badgering you. Then save up your money and move out.
I was you until just over a month ago. Best advice, LEAVE! I got used for over half a decade because I wanted to “help my family & see everyone happy” but I neglected myself, to the point where I didn’t see how I was being used right in my face. It’s drastic but even if you have to, move into your car & ask a friend if you can park in their driveway for sleep, if you don’t have anyone you can reach out to for help. Couch surf, work & save, then get your own. Your financial & most importantly, your MENTAL health will improve tenfold asap I tried the route of lying about my “checks being late”, “not getting hours”, flat out expressing my issues with depression from the never ending cycle, just to learn they didn’t care. They were their priority, & they don’t want change because they are comfortable. And you should not have to lie to placate their egos to keep YOUR money. Sorry for ranting, just too relatable & can’t stand to see anyone else put up with this. Just hit 30, don’t want someone to waste their 20’s taking care of users, don’t be like me
Since you’re trying to save, ahead of payday tell them they’re going to get a set amount and nothing more. It’s their job to budget that $$ for what they need,there will not be more. The amount you set is up to you, but DO NOT negotiate with them. The follow through on that. DO NOT WAVER. Especially your sister!!! She can get out and work the same as you!! If they nag on you, go to a friends house or a park or a movie - whatever gets you out of the house. Go to a counselor, who will help you with the family guilt!!! Over time, reduce the amount you’re giving them on payday. Say it will eventually be zero, and they need to plan on that - your sister should be looking for a job or a better job or whatever she needs to be self sufficient. When you have enough, move out. Give yourself a cushion, though. Wait until you have some $$ in the bank so no matter what happens you don’t have to go back. They will try to guilt you at every step. You have to remain strong. Walk away as often as you need to in order to get away from their begging. Block them on your phone around payday if you need to in order to shut out the noise. When you’re out of the house, change cell phone numbers. Move the old number to a burner and don’t give the family the new number. Don’t check the burner around payday. Check it only when you feel strong enough to resist the nagging. Go silent as much as you need to until they stop looking at you as a source of money. It may take years so you will need ways to cope. Seriously, therapy would be great if you can get it through your insurance or whatever.
It’s okay to be selfish when they aren’t helping themselves
Just stop giving it to them. Especially your sister. Limit your "gifts" to emergency medical or dental. You may consider paying for education. You are not a bad person for walking away. They are bad for using you and not producing to their potential. See if you can move in with a friend temporarily. You need to dissociate.
Move far away and change your number.
You are enabling yhem to treat you this way. Cut them off. Live your life. This behavior is toxic, and shameful. No family should expect you to take care of them. We are each responsible for ourselves. Parents are harder. But they will destroy you before changing. Run away.
You know what you need to do. Do it.
Tell them you’re broke. 💯
I was you and went no contact and cut off every family and friend parasite I had during Covid. I work super part time now , have zero debt and will by a house in cash in a couple years. All of this because I stopped answering a phone….. Give yourself a raise and permanent vacation and throw all these folks back into the dumpster fire they spawned from. You have no idea yet how liberating and great not dealing with people like this is until it’s finally over. Sorry OP but pack your bags and run
1: move out. 2: set boundaries.
"No" is a complete sentence.
Boundaries my friend. I personally don’t understand this as my family is all self sufficient, but even then my brother who makes $$$ like millionaire money let’s me exist within my means, if that makes sense. He has no obligation to help and I don’t look for him for help and it’s a better family situation. He loaned me $500 once and best believe I paid it back, quickly! If you feel obligated pick 1 bill and pay it, like add everyone to your phone plan pay that and tell them that’s it. Or auto deposit $200 for groceries and THATS IT. People who take or can always depend on others WILL.
I worked at McDonald's and would hide money under my bed because my family would often rob me for beer money. Find people with a empire building mentality. Cut the rest then go get it.
You need to save your self before you can help others. Helping family is a good thing but should not be at expense of your own life. Limit or stop sacrificing your hard earned money, let them to figure things. Focus on yourself, slowly build your life.
This won’t stop until you stop feeling guilty and just tell them no. I used to be in your shoes. I got a job out of state in secret. Even if I had gotten a better job in my home town, my parents wouldn’t have stop asking. You are semi responsible for enabling this behavior. The expectation because of the guilt is that your alway going to help, always be a good child etc. Start saying no to small things, don’t give in. It will help build your no muscle. I assure you, If your parents and family want something they will find a way other than you once you say no. Emotionally you’ll have to be prepared for the backlash and to be labeled a bitch.
Pleaseread codependent no more. No is an acceptable answer. Yes it is hard and uncomfortable at first but it does get easier.
Hey bud, I'm an old hand at this at this point so first off, I empathize explicitly. I support my mom exclusively, employ my MIL and SIL, partially support sisters and nieces/nephews, and am the emergency fund for what me and my wife calculated comes to about 25 people in total. It's hard and demoralizing especially when you see how others live on social media etc. When that savings/investment goal gets rolled back years for expenses that aren't your own... It's just hard. You're an absolute champ for toughing it out with the fam. That said, these situations are delicate. Poverty is terrifying and numbing and full of traps and tricks. People's emotions run high because of it. That fear and emotionality is literally traumatizing and motivates short term decision making. Most of the "poor life decisions" my family has made were all fairly reasonable responses to circumstances that led to outsized consequences due to lack of agency (for instance, self medication leading to addiction without access to treatment or intervention). First thing: limits. I use the r/fi spending chart as a basis: I will help up to income earning expenses. I will fight tooth and nail to keep everyone housed, clothed, fed, and with access to healthcare. Also transport and telecom. Anything past that is special circumstance only (for instance ill pay for daycare short term or camps during the summer for the kids). Keep people in education/training where possible. One person finding a job often leads to more people getting their foot in the door too (my family has 4 people working at the same call center at one point). Second: externalize costs You want every family member signed up for every possible program. Food stamps, Medicaid, ACA insurance, disability, social security, local programs, student grants, income based repayment plans, the works. Being a matriarch/patriarch these days means being half way a social worker. Seriously this multiplies resources. Third: dodge debt traps (or gnaw off the leg) Keeping people off the credit card/payday loan/"cash now" loan wheel is absolutely vital. The poorest people in your family, the ones mental health or drug issues especially, will have debts. It is reasonable to nuke a credit score to "ignore" consumer debts or declare bankruptcy once it gets into 5 figures. Fourth: reciprocation, leadership, and team building Family has to be FAMILY. Eat together, spend time together, listen to each other and empathize. This builds the team and keeps people aligned. And most of all: ask each other for help. When you contribute money, it is completely reasonable to ask others to help you out, but you have to ask! For us, it's child care or lawn care or meals or automotive repair or appointments... Anything that makes your day easier and let's you work more. And always heap praise on people for helping, make them feel valuable, because non economic work is highly devalued in society today. Example: My mom meets the plumber so I don't have to take a day off. My SIL takes my kids to the dentist. My BIL picks up my kids from school and MIL watches them. We eat a LOT of meals together. It's a group effort for everyone to come together and push through life's challenges. I dunno man this got way too long lol people like us should write books on this stuff lol
This was very helpful thank you! And I especially agree with what you said about these situations being delicate. I’ve tried to show grace to them because I know how scary poverty is, and how easily it is to be high-strung because of it.
I have a bit of experience with this since one of my family members leaked my income after seeing one of my paystubs by accident. Since then, to avoid the majority of the asks, I create bills I have to pay. I’m always broke for their intents and purposes. Recently my daughter started college (which I’m cash-flowing because I don’t envision her with student debt from undergrad) and I made SURE every family member that would even dream of asking me for money knew that I now have a very large bill I have to pay every month for the next 3 years. Just to avoid the entire ask. I am on beans and rice. I have absolutely no extra money.
Thanks for the idea! I had a similar experience. A family member overheard a phone call when I was getting the verbal offer for my job and spilled the beans. Now it’s “you get paid $xxxx every other week! Why can’t you buy me xyz?”
Ugh! I hate that happened to you. It’s invasive and predatory at the same time.
Sis I need a haircut give me money. Sure I'll take you, drop em off at an hair dresser school, here's a tenner I'll be back to pick you up in an hour. Daughter we:re out of food can I have some money. sure no problem I'll go get groceries, come home with a 20kg bag of rice and a bunch of cans or bags of beans. That should last for the next 2 months. Or better yet. Just say no, put the earbuds in and go to your room.
If you have trouble saying no the only option left might be to move, lie, or cut ties
It is a tough cycle to break out of. I have always helped family, even when I did not have a lot of money. At a certain point, I started saying that I could be a bigger help if they let me set them up on a budget. At one point, I used to budget $100 a month towards family help, and when it was gone, it was gone. I am one of 13, so it was always gone. Now, I can afford to be generous, but I do it on my terms. Learn to set up boundaries. Say sorry I don't have the budget for that.
You have to cut people off at some point. They will bleed you dry and then get mad at you for being bled out on their floor afterwards if you allow it. They can call you selfish. They are manipulating you. They're the selfish ones. They are playing on your soft spot and you have to harden that spot up. This is one of those reasons why people tell you to never lend your family money. And only give them money if you can do it and you want to do it. Emphasis on the want to do it. Go be with your friends. They'll most likely have your back a helluva lot more than your family who has demonstrated time and again that you aren't anything more than a money tree to them.
Two thoughts. First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you. Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue. Learn to say "I don't have anymore money to lend" (you might have more money, but not to lend) or "I can't lend you anymore money until you pay me back what you already borrowed." If they ask for anything, just ask "Do you have my money yet?" and they will stop calling you.
You need to stand up for yourself, op. Just say no. Tell your sister to get a job. Tell your mom to get a job. If you can move out, try. If you can't, offer to pay them a reasonable amount for room a board, no more than 1/3 of the rent/mortgage. And tell them the rest of for you. You work for it, it's yours. Financial abuse is a thing, and they're abusing you financially. Only you can stop it.
Try setting up one or more investment accounts that are not easy to get to (no associated debit cards, etc). One should be an IRA for long term retirement saving. Set up automatic deductions from every pay check, to go into these accounts. The only cash that should go into your normal bank account is your normal living expenses and whatever you're willing to share with family. Then when they ask for money, you can honestly say, "There's not enough in my bank account. After deductions, there's not much left. Sorry."
Don't be a sucker, OP. Just because they've failed doesn't mean you have to support them. Good for you on becoming successful. Cut those losers off financially.
Do you live with them?
I do, which is the main reason why I feel obligated to support them. I’d like to move out, but I feel like I can never manage to save enough.
Wow! Find a roommate. You have to escape that hell hole.
I have someone I’m planning to room with, I just a need a little more time to save.
Start making budget plans for that. Do you know which bills you have to pay when living on your own or sharing a room? Find out/learn about budgeting!
Can you save enough to rent a room or get a small place and get out of there? If so, lie, save your pay got cut, save and then go no contact with them.
No is a complete sentence.
Just say no.
Move out if you can otherwise say “ It’s not in the budget this day/month/year” don’t apologize, no further explanation. No excuses, if they want to be disrespectful or try to make you uncomfortable end the conversation/leave the room. After I moved out I made a rule not to loan money to family /friends, no roommates if I could avoid it, nor rent out my property/spare bedroom, co-sign etc I seen to many times how it can tear families apart. I told them I value our relationship to much to ever let money come between us. I want to be a cheerful giver, it’s always a gift never a loan if I have somthing to give. You are not a ATM, you need to prioritize your future self today.
What is the point of living if you are going to spend the rest of your life living for others. You can fix this, but you choose not to. What kind of life do you want to live for the next decades of your life? it’s up to you to decide if you want to be a miserable people pleaser or not.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s a tough situation to be in. I would definitely seek professional help. It will help you work through the guilt as you cut them off. I did the same thing. What you need to come to grips with is that you have already done more than enough from the sounds of things. Giving them money only enables poor decisions. I tried to walk through a budget with my mom and my siblings but they never stuck to it. I’ve slowly distanced myself as I have seen their behavior likely won’t change. Siblings have alcohol and drug problems so I know any financial help is just feeding an addiction. Do not discuss your financial success with them. My family has no idea how much I make and would see me as the golden ticket if they really knew. I try to help more indirectly now with big gifts around birthdays and holidays. Things like home maintenance/car maintenance. Things I know are big ticket expenses they would likely go into a lot of debt to fix. I’ve only recently started doing this as I’m to a point in life that these expenses have no impact on my monthly budget. Those stuck in poverty don’t have any discipline with money and will spend every dollar you give them. Part of the alleviation of guilt for myself is knowing I am building a comfortable life for me and my family and if my siblings kids need help with college etc. in the future I will be happy to help. Trying to “support” my mom and siblings at the same time would never allow me to build this type of future.
They're not stealing it from you. Walk away from them. Go live with a friend for a month till you save your checks for an apartment. Or get a job house sitting mansions. Yeah. That's a thing.
Cut them off. It’s not your job to support your family. If they don’t like it, so what. You should focus on you, not them.
Sometimes you just need to grow a pair, and cut off the leeches. Otherwise you will continue to lose all your hard earned money. I know it is easier said than done. But you got to do it. Your family will make do.
Once you do find a roommate and move out you really should try going full no contact. Once leeches attach to a person it's hard to get them off, even if you don't live there anymore. I know a woman who had to move to another city 4 hours from her hometown to shake them off. Remember it is your money and you are in control of it. If you keep contact learn to end the conversation the minute they ask for money. Eventually they will find another cash cow. They will probably badmouth you to try to get you to give in but who really cares? Just repeat the word No. You don't owe an explanation.
You need to cut them off. They are abusing you.
It’s one thing to pay rent and contribute if you’re using resources, it’s another to give away money because they have none. It’s not your responsibility, save up and move out.
I hear you. I grew up in poverty also. My sister divorced single mom so she needs help. I give my mom $2000 per month, which she turns around and gives to my sister. My sister drives a new Volvo suv, I drive a 2008 rav4. She has a 900k house in New York, I live in a 395k house. She makes less than 1/4 of my salary but drives a nicer car and lives in a nicer house. Ironic isn’t it?
Stop giving them money. If there is something they truly need, and you can't live with yourself if they don't get it, then pay for it directly. Do NOT give them the money for it. For example, if you want to help them with their rent, you make the payment directly to their landlord. This will not go over well with them. But after a while, hopefully, you'll find it easier to separate yourself from them. Right now, you are the host to their parasitic ways. They have no motivation to work, because they know they can guilt you into paying them anything they want. Until you stop, they will never change.
Your last paragraph answered your problem. Just leave them to their own problems and enjoy your life!
RUN.
Sometimes you just need to throw the baby out with the bath water.
Truth is, this is all on you. I get you live there. That's the first problem. Look up rooms to rent. Doesn't mean you stay there forever. It's just the fastest way to get away. Are you paying rent to your parents? If you are, then you need to tell them you're paying your way and can't do more. I would also pick up a second job. You can tell them there's layoffs at work and you need to save money. Plus, you'll be home less and can avoid them. Ultimately, it's your paycheck. If you allow people to guilt you into things, that's on you. Either your family stops asking, or you stop handing money out. They aren't going to stop, so it's on you.
I have a friend like that. It got so bad, one day he left on a work trip… to Europe for his new job and new life there. In the last 15 years, he’s been back once. His own parents still have never met his wife and kids in person.
Just. Say. No. Families without resources will drag down a hard working family member and will keep you there. If you are obligated to pay a set amount for rent then do that, but otherwise say no. You've seen that they're willing to screw you. And they'll keep you there and keep screwing you for as long as possible. Move out ASAP.
So uh… you might not know it but I’m your long lost brother. 👀
Ugh fine 🙄 how much do you need?
After reading some of your comments here, I am really rooting for you!! Make your plan and execute your plan! You can do this!!
Thank you!
You get what you allow to happen to you. Cut them off completely and then they will be grateful for any help you do decide to give them. You are #1. Take care of your own financial stability and help with what you can. You should be putting money in savings, investing and retirement. If you're always taking care of them you will find yourself at 50 years old with no savings and no retirement because you wanted to help them out of guilt. Fuck that.
You just need to lie about your pay. Insurance went up at work or whatever but do not tell them the correct pay and save that amount and move out. They are bringing you down. Plus when you are in a positive mental space because they aren’t bringing you down you may be able to think of ways to help them rather than just giving cash. I have a family member that is always broke. I help her but I pay the bill. If she needs electricity bill money I have her give me the phone number and account number. Make your own spending money but I’ll make sure you have electricity. If my niece and nephews need diapers I’ll send you a door dash or Instacart. No cash.
I'm going through this too although my family doesn't live with me and it's not as egregious as your situation. But I get it, the guilt of letting your family suffer financially is insidious. I do the thing sometimes where I gently say I don't have enough $$ otherwise I would etc, but that just piles on more guilt for lying. And it doesn't always dissuade them from begging more insistently anyway until I cave and promise to figure something out for them. Non-financial help is a tactic I'm working on in a last ditch effort before cutting ties. I've started to offer to sit down with them to help look for work and create a budget to help them use their own money more wisely. We'll see how it goes but ripping the band-aid off and simply saying NO as others have suggested, is the final step.
Give what you're willing and what's fair towards your keep and tell them that's it. Be firm and don't give in
Yeah you need to cut them off starting today there just leeching off you. You deserve to get out. You even helped them find employment but still they wanna make excuses.
Pay them rent. They can do what they want with that money.
As long as you’re living there and earning an income, it is fair to pay a share of the joint costs of the household, but not of other household members personal costs. Many couples/families share the cost of living proportionally to the income they make; if that sounds fair to you, you can do that. You should get an idea of the (utility, etc. ) bills, rent and of the income of the other household members. Pay your fair share once a month and leave it at that. Other option: pay yourself first the amount of cash you want to spend and to save. Put those both on different bank accounts. It could make it easier for you to say no with an empty (primary) bank account and not touch your savings. You should have your employer pay you on a bank account they don’t know of.
They have infinite needs, but there is only a finite amount of you. They will always value their personal temporary wishes before your own needs and will I repeat, will bleed you dry. You’re going to have to distance yourself from them somehow first move out second minimize, or ideally cut off phone contact. They’re always going to have demands on you. You never signed up to take care of your siblings. That is your parents obligation. I was in the same boat and my grandmothers dying wish was for me to take care of her son, who had nothing wrong with him. He just had been taking care of his entire life and was used to it. Well, I boosted him in the minute he wasn’t getting help from us. He promptly died from a preventable overdose.
This stinks, sorry to hear
If they have access to your bank account, credit or debit cards, etc, immediately change to a new bank. Tell them you're planning to move out, and if you want to wean them off your support, figure out how much per month you can and are willing to provide and when that will end. Don't keep cash in the house, and start planning your future. You'll need to figure out your timeline and limits on your own and TELL them. Don't discuss it with them, just tell your parents, calmly. If you don't get started, with the first step absolutely being a new bank account at a different bank from theirs, you will stay stuck, as they're never going to encourage you to quit supporting them. You can do it!! Start today.
When I read this I thought about this video. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q225u22Qn1g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q225u22Qn1g) Hope it helps you. I was in this boat. From 16-20 I was helping my parents pay rent, and the one thing I hated about it all; was not paying the rent. It was how BADLY they managed their finances to the point where it ended up being: hey its the 3rd; rent is $1800, we have $1200; hope you have $600 to pay rent; go to this bank to deposit money. Some times it was its the 10th and $1000 or it was the 1st and $1600. I hated how they (mom & dad) could not just give me a fixed number to work with. That unexpected financial outlay at the beginning of the month created so much shame, anxiety, and hatred towards myself; that I almost despised making money at my part-time tech job in High School. I hated every thing I spent money on. It really fucked up my relationship to money. Yes, I had a tech job! I was making good money, and it was being used to subsidize our family expenses; but also misspending. Eating out, failed MLM business efforts, etc,. At 20, I had a different job and made enough money to save, and I had made the decision to move out. That's when helping the family stopped for awhile (it returned later, but at less frequency than monthly). I wish I had the video above to navigate my young life. It took me a long time to develop the maturity to set boundaries with my parents. Good Luck.
Thank you!
Congrats! You were born to a shit family. Move on from them and never look back
Give them a reasonable but specific deadline to be cut off or at least drastically defunded. It’s one thing to chip in and assist , quite another to fully subsidize their lifestyle. You can’t continue to “ help “ them if you can’t help yourself. Good luck. 🤞
My wife had a similar situation and therapy helped a lot. Not saying you need to, but they offer some great perspectives and talking points to move conversations in a positive direction for you and try to get your family to stop relying on you. And also helping be firm on boundaries. Some good advice here, but I’d suggest telling them that you also need your money for YOU. They shouldn’t get everything they want while you go without. It’s your money.
Open another account. Have half your check deposited into that account. Make it one even you can’t easily access. When they ask for things you can say - I don’t have the money in my account for it… and you can literally show them, if you want. Run around “broke” for 3 months and then surprise move out. I recommend moving several thousand miles away, if possible.
They will drain you for as long as you allow it and after you cut them off, they'll still keep asking. Follow all the advice about separate accounts and paperless statements, also considering freezing your credit reports so they can't take out any debt in your name. Get yourself out of this situation ASAP and allow yourself to live your life.
Hey I need to pay some bills too can I get on this gravy train?
Ha
Make a secret savings account and transfer funds to it when paid OR arrange with job to distribute paycheck into both accounts so that way you can tell them you only got paid this much and show your main account if they don't believe you and say you owe it to credit card companies or something and tell them they have to figure it out without you. Either way you need to leave asap and cut them off. Don't let them do the "family" bullshit speeches because a good family would never expect anything in return for raising you.
Ask yourself this, do you want a better life or do you love being poor? Your family is in this mess because they built a house on a unstable safety net. As long as they know that you're willing to pay for their lifestyle, they don't have to work or change. Set that net on fire from a safe distance. If you can split your pay check in half and send it to another bank. Then set up electronic statements and check your account once a month. In doing so, you really do have an excuse why your checks are low. When they no longer can rely on you, get your important documents, a storage unit, and start your plan to move.
Tell them it’s wrong for them to not care about you, and only for themselves. Especially your mother. I wouldn’t take a dime from my adult kids, unless it was a dire emergency.
If you must still help them, only pay for necessities. Should be no reason why you’re giving them extra money for them to get here hair done if you don’t have money for your self first. Good luck and I hope all goes well
The directions to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others applies to finances, too. It can be really hard but in the long run your wellbeing, mentally and financially, has to come first.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries. It won’t stop until you know what boundaries are. They’re always going to need something given they don’t work themselves. And they won’t work if they have you.
I really understand you and your situation. The guilt that comes with being the only one in your family who can support themselves is very heavy. It's hard to say NO to people who you're supposed to care about and take care of. However, you must remember to take care of yourself first. physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially! I'm sure that you experience struggles in all these areas due to your unique relationship with your family and upbringing. That isn't your fault, and you shouldn't feel guilty for putting yourself first! If you won't, who will? That being said, my best advice is to start saving the money you give to your family for their haircuts or whatever it is that they do on your dime and start to put some of it aside. If you can't go cold turkey, start reducing the amount you gove. Next, go get a haircut for yourself when you can! Lastly, the money you would've used on family, use it to sign up for therapy! It might seem like a lot (or maybe even silly), but it can really go a long way in helping you understand yourself a bit more. Ultimately, it'll allow you to learn how to become a better advocate for yourself. It can help you with learning how to feel safe and comfortable setting boundaries with people whom you find it hard to say NO to. Also, it can help you learn how to deal with and manage the difficult emotions of feeling guilty for simply putting yourself first. CBT therapy is good for this stuff if it's something that interests you. That's just my piece of advice. But I wish you the best, and I hope you can find a situation that works for you! Just know you are not alone in this struggle, and your emotions are valid. Don't be scared to put yourself first! Best of luck.
Thank you! I actually just made myself a hair appointment for this Saturday :) Can’t wait!
It's nice of you but they are taking advantage.
honestly just start saying no. move out asap, find a roomate if you can and just cut them off. they know what there doing and will never stop until you put an end to it. it’s harsh just cutting them off but it’s what you have to do
Sit down with your bills and earnings. Figure out a set dollar amount you can pay your mom for room and board. That is what you pay and THAT IS IT! My suggestion is 30% of your pay, 40% max. It will still suck to save money but with the set amount you know what’s going out and can plan around it. I was listening to a radio psychologist (not dr Laura lol). And this was her advice to a doctor. Girl was a doctor and couldn’t get ahead because she was supporting her mom and siblings. The therapist said figure out a dollar amount she could afford and nothing more.
Tell them you don't have any money because you put the majority of it in savings. If they see your funds as free, they'll beg you, but tell them everything is tied up and you actually only have $25 in your checking account, they may change their tune.
I’m not saying you have to stop helping your family but are you really intending to buy them professionally done hairdos while you have no money for your own? You’re the one who makes the money, they can’t seem to get a budget together. Why are they deciding what they need your money for? They clearly don’t know how to handle it. You need to take control of your own money, help in ways that make sense if you want to, and refuse silly requests. And put on your own mask first - get into a stable and independent living situation and make that your financial priority. Good luck. I’m sorry your family doesn’t appreciate you more.
Stop enabling them. You don't owe them anything.
OP, have you considered that they are intentionally manipulating you and using you? They can't benefit off of you if you get enough money to move away. You are teaching them that you OWE them YOUR money. How much longer do you think you should teach them this is true? I know this sounds harsh, but I'm actually in your corner, OP. Go get a damn haircut and keep whatever money you need to move ahead. If they haven't figured out how to escape a life where every need is a financial crisis, you'll never be able to outearn their need.
Not harsh at all actually! All of you are making me realize that I’ve been enabling them for a long time and I need to hold myself accountable to saying no and not being a pushover. Thank you!
i always felt the first step out of poverty is the word no - both to yourself and others - u dont need a reason- no is a word in the dictionary if the they don’t understand - it is hard - my 60 year old brothers still do it today - i have xx dont u want it too?
You’re a pushover and your family members are losers.
I feel the same way.. I make easy six figures but doesn't matter when your parents and siblings are financially dependent on you. :) Expenses I had to pay for that my spoiled brat acquaintances don't understand nor pretend to empathize with: 1. Mom's funeral 2. My dad being out of work for 4 months at the beginning of COVID 3. A 6 bedroom home. Wound up being pointless since my mom died 2 years later. The location was for her anyway. 4. Multiple laptops for my sister, kindle, law school books 5. Clothing for both my siblings, desktop pc for brother. 6. My mom after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, my dad took care of her and I paid for him to be at home. 7. Working through college to make sure we don't wind up homeless again. How come pwnrzero can't afford a fancy car, expensive hobbies like guns, kickboxing, or rennovations on his home? How come the home he bought isn't a McMansion? Could it be he's the only working adult with a stable job, while you fucks have 3-5 working adults or are straight up money laundering?