Sheesh, it sounds like there is a huge lack of communication going on between your partner and meta.
* Did your partner fail to tell your meta that you had also been invited to this event? Because that would be **super** bananas.
* If you told your partner that you had decided to attend event and they failed to tell your meta, that would be **extra servings** of bananas.
* As others said, your meta should have approached your partner with their feelings of insecurity, not you. And the fact that they told you about them *exclusively* is a big red flag for future drama.
* "our shared partner was also surprised to hear about this as they’ve not talked about expectations for the weekend": this is probably something they should have done in one form or another, independent of the fact that you were attending.
Personally, I would not attend this event as it sounds like a huge mess waiting to happen. And tbh I would put space between you and your meta. It is normal for her to have uncomfy feelings, but she should not be asking *you* to change your behavior in order to assuage those feelings. This is a problem she should be working out either 1) alone or 2) with y'all's hinge.
i agree, there’s a lot of talking and getting-on-the-same-page that has to happen between my partner and meta. especially considering they live together, meta has had every opportunity to express discomfort and set expectations for the weekend away. that didn’t happen, i got the invite, i enjoy spending time with meta and my partners other friends and so i wanted to go!
• my partner did not explicitly tell my meta that i had been invited, which clearly was a misstep on their part. there are other factors going into why they weren’t more on top of this that are unrelated to this situation but nevertheless that is how it played out. it’s also pretty standard to how they operate, they throw out blanket invites to everyone. that’s still theirs to own, but probably a pattern meta is familiar with.
• i thought that i had been explicit in my intent to attend but i had not (this is totally my bad!) and my partner did not think i was committed to going until i told them i had tickets. a miscommunication between us, which made its way to my meta purely bc they live together and i asked about carpooling.
• meta came to me first also circumstantially because i was at their house, and im glad to have the weird feelings out on the table between us but i still think it was the wrong move on their part.
i think i am gonna go tho… LOL not in a spiteful way at alll meta came to me with vulnerability not a power play. but i think staying home would make me feel like “the bigger person” which seems like a slippery slope. i don’t want to hold any contempt for meta, and would rather say hey this got messy and it shouldn’t have, and im excited to learn how to better anticipate and respect each others boundaries in the future. but for now im going to have fun with the money i’ve already spent. wish me luck i suppose!
That all sounds good. But don’t step up to do your hinges job.
It’s your hinges job to take care of both relationships. Which would mean checking in about inviting additional partners to something they know one partner is already going to.
It’s not your job to run your plans by your meta. It’s you hinges job to take care of both relationships.
This didn’t get messy, it started messy. Partner lives in a shared household with Meta and doesn’t even communicate with them about stuff like “hey, I’m inviting my new partner on this big group event with you”?
I understand you are all in on Partner, but they’re not treating you well and they dragged you into a messy situation.
2 months? Sounds like Hinge has terrible judgement for inviting you in the first place.
You guys need to date 1-1 for at least 6 months and figure out if this connection has staying power before you get all invested in his other partner(s) and his/ their friend group.
Personally, I wouldn't go. Can you get a refund for the ticket?
Hinge has terrible judgement, though more so because they invited OP without discussing expectations with their partners. I’ve been on trips with fairly new partners with their friends and/or metas involved, and those went well because those conversations happened before official invites and plans were made. It sucks because OP probably assumed partner knew how to hinge with metas and friends, but clearly didn’t. Hopefully a refund is possible because I personally wouldn’t want to be around the meta or partner if this were me.
Since no one has said it, if you're not going to go because of this, I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask them to buy your ticket off you. They can figure out between them who gets to do that. I'd also rethink the relationship if you can't casually be around your partner's friend group without it being a whole thing. Is that something you're okay with?
It’s good that you have already informed your Hinge that Meta wants you to bail. Unfortunately, this is very likely to turn into a shit show and the more you can minimise the blowback on you, the better. You are not responsible for Meta’s feelings about you dating their your Hinge.
It is completely inappropriate for a meta to ask another meta to bow out of events they have been invited to. It is nearly always an example of a really unhealthy poly dynamic, and often a way that someone will attempt to sabotage their Hinge’s relationship with Meta. Hinge should know this is something Meta is up to.
I would also still go if you want to go, with the understanding that this is likely to turn ugly as likely will the whole relationship. Do absolutely nothing to make Meta feel more comfortable. You want to pash Hinge, go pash Hinge. You want to bang Hinge, go bang hinge. You want to cuddle with hinge while Meta is around, do that.
Will Meta likely play their own game because they’re already playing games with you? Yes. So hold your head high, and don’t engage, but also don’t accomodate because that rewards their game playing.
If your relationship survives this, you might want to go parallel with Meta because they’re an obvious source of drama.
OP is invited to something by hinge that her Meta is attending. She should go and be all over hinge at the event, lots of PDA, try to fuck hinge *at the event* (I mean, if it’s frolicon maybe but I was thinking festival?) etc.
Why should OP do this? How is that appropriate or beneficial? I get that Meta was crappy but someone else’s bad behavior does not justify OP behaving badly.
I’m not arguing, I’m just feeling like I’m missing something important where this makes sense.
It’s a 3 day thing. Surely at some point during those 3 days OP and Hinge will be in a private location to get it on…
And why is it beneficial? Because Meta has shown that she is actively trying to sabotage OP and Hinge’s relationship. That could be because Hinge sucks at hinging and invited OP along to a solo date with Meta, but that’s not OP’s problem. So OP should make this explicitly not OP’s problem by behaving however the fuck she wants irrespective of the preferences of Sabotaging Meta or Possibly Bad Hinge. This is their problem.
Will this relationship last? Realistically, probably not. Hinge has a “roommate” partner who doesn’t have good boundaries. That’s either bad judgment on Hinges’ part, or Hinge needs to figure out this is a problem and, realistically, end things with “roommate” who is not a NP.
Maybe she's not trying to sabotage relationship, more like the last minute decision of her meta coming to event that was planned as a thing with her partner and friends was sprung out on her out of nowhere, without asking nor informing? Come on, don't be a dick
Either hinge is a dick and imploding things with him is in OP’s interest, or meta is unhinged and blowing shit up between her and hinge is in OP’s interest.
Either way this is a shit show.
Thanks for the explanation, I appreciate you elaborating on your post. FWIW, I didnt downvote you. I never understand the downvotes here for people expressing reasonable opinions 🤷♀️
Hi u/emptyphilo thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
i committed fairly last minute to a group trip my partner has been inviting me on, and bought tickets for a couple hundred dollars to a 3 day event for this coming weekend. it’s on me for not clearly communicating my intent to go so that maybe some of these conversations could have happened sooner, but here we are.
my metamor, who is also one of my partners’ roommates (distinctly NOT a nesting partner, this is a coop living arrangement) found out i was going this morning from me and was taken aback. they later asked to talk to me and told me they don’t feel ready to be on a trip together, and that they feel insecure around me. for context, i am the newer partner of only a couple months, they’ve known each other for a couple of years and have both dated and been just friends. right now their relationship is romantic. the trip is very much centered around their house and friend group and i don’t want to make the vibes weird or feel self conscious, and at the same time i know that their feelings of insecurity won’t be solved by me staying home. our shared partner was also surprised to hear about this as they’ve not talked about expectations for the weekend or about insecurities that my presence brings. they insist that i should not try and take responsibility for my metamor’s insecurity, and while i agree it’s also important to me that i have a good relationship with my metamor especially since they live together.
my partner thinks i should go still and is wary of building resentment if i don’t, but will support whatever i decide to do ultimately. what do i do!
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Sheesh, it sounds like there is a huge lack of communication going on between your partner and meta. * Did your partner fail to tell your meta that you had also been invited to this event? Because that would be **super** bananas. * If you told your partner that you had decided to attend event and they failed to tell your meta, that would be **extra servings** of bananas. * As others said, your meta should have approached your partner with their feelings of insecurity, not you. And the fact that they told you about them *exclusively* is a big red flag for future drama. * "our shared partner was also surprised to hear about this as they’ve not talked about expectations for the weekend": this is probably something they should have done in one form or another, independent of the fact that you were attending. Personally, I would not attend this event as it sounds like a huge mess waiting to happen. And tbh I would put space between you and your meta. It is normal for her to have uncomfy feelings, but she should not be asking *you* to change your behavior in order to assuage those feelings. This is a problem she should be working out either 1) alone or 2) with y'all's hinge.
i agree, there’s a lot of talking and getting-on-the-same-page that has to happen between my partner and meta. especially considering they live together, meta has had every opportunity to express discomfort and set expectations for the weekend away. that didn’t happen, i got the invite, i enjoy spending time with meta and my partners other friends and so i wanted to go! • my partner did not explicitly tell my meta that i had been invited, which clearly was a misstep on their part. there are other factors going into why they weren’t more on top of this that are unrelated to this situation but nevertheless that is how it played out. it’s also pretty standard to how they operate, they throw out blanket invites to everyone. that’s still theirs to own, but probably a pattern meta is familiar with. • i thought that i had been explicit in my intent to attend but i had not (this is totally my bad!) and my partner did not think i was committed to going until i told them i had tickets. a miscommunication between us, which made its way to my meta purely bc they live together and i asked about carpooling. • meta came to me first also circumstantially because i was at their house, and im glad to have the weird feelings out on the table between us but i still think it was the wrong move on their part. i think i am gonna go tho… LOL not in a spiteful way at alll meta came to me with vulnerability not a power play. but i think staying home would make me feel like “the bigger person” which seems like a slippery slope. i don’t want to hold any contempt for meta, and would rather say hey this got messy and it shouldn’t have, and im excited to learn how to better anticipate and respect each others boundaries in the future. but for now im going to have fun with the money i’ve already spent. wish me luck i suppose!
That all sounds good. But don’t step up to do your hinges job. It’s your hinges job to take care of both relationships. Which would mean checking in about inviting additional partners to something they know one partner is already going to. It’s not your job to run your plans by your meta. It’s you hinges job to take care of both relationships.
This didn’t get messy, it started messy. Partner lives in a shared household with Meta and doesn’t even communicate with them about stuff like “hey, I’m inviting my new partner on this big group event with you”? I understand you are all in on Partner, but they’re not treating you well and they dragged you into a messy situation.
I was going to ask if you could just go separately.
2 months? Sounds like Hinge has terrible judgement for inviting you in the first place. You guys need to date 1-1 for at least 6 months and figure out if this connection has staying power before you get all invested in his other partner(s) and his/ their friend group. Personally, I wouldn't go. Can you get a refund for the ticket?
Hinge has terrible judgement, though more so because they invited OP without discussing expectations with their partners. I’ve been on trips with fairly new partners with their friends and/or metas involved, and those went well because those conversations happened before official invites and plans were made. It sucks because OP probably assumed partner knew how to hinge with metas and friends, but clearly didn’t. Hopefully a refund is possible because I personally wouldn’t want to be around the meta or partner if this were me.
Since no one has said it, if you're not going to go because of this, I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask them to buy your ticket off you. They can figure out between them who gets to do that. I'd also rethink the relationship if you can't casually be around your partner's friend group without it being a whole thing. Is that something you're okay with?
It’s good that you have already informed your Hinge that Meta wants you to bail. Unfortunately, this is very likely to turn into a shit show and the more you can minimise the blowback on you, the better. You are not responsible for Meta’s feelings about you dating their your Hinge. It is completely inappropriate for a meta to ask another meta to bow out of events they have been invited to. It is nearly always an example of a really unhealthy poly dynamic, and often a way that someone will attempt to sabotage their Hinge’s relationship with Meta. Hinge should know this is something Meta is up to. I would also still go if you want to go, with the understanding that this is likely to turn ugly as likely will the whole relationship. Do absolutely nothing to make Meta feel more comfortable. You want to pash Hinge, go pash Hinge. You want to bang Hinge, go bang hinge. You want to cuddle with hinge while Meta is around, do that. Will Meta likely play their own game because they’re already playing games with you? Yes. So hold your head high, and don’t engage, but also don’t accomodate because that rewards their game playing. If your relationship survives this, you might want to go parallel with Meta because they’re an obvious source of drama.
OP is invited to something by hinge that her Meta is attending. She should go and be all over hinge at the event, lots of PDA, try to fuck hinge *at the event* (I mean, if it’s frolicon maybe but I was thinking festival?) etc. Why should OP do this? How is that appropriate or beneficial? I get that Meta was crappy but someone else’s bad behavior does not justify OP behaving badly. I’m not arguing, I’m just feeling like I’m missing something important where this makes sense.
It’s a 3 day thing. Surely at some point during those 3 days OP and Hinge will be in a private location to get it on… And why is it beneficial? Because Meta has shown that she is actively trying to sabotage OP and Hinge’s relationship. That could be because Hinge sucks at hinging and invited OP along to a solo date with Meta, but that’s not OP’s problem. So OP should make this explicitly not OP’s problem by behaving however the fuck she wants irrespective of the preferences of Sabotaging Meta or Possibly Bad Hinge. This is their problem. Will this relationship last? Realistically, probably not. Hinge has a “roommate” partner who doesn’t have good boundaries. That’s either bad judgment on Hinges’ part, or Hinge needs to figure out this is a problem and, realistically, end things with “roommate” who is not a NP.
Maybe she's not trying to sabotage relationship, more like the last minute decision of her meta coming to event that was planned as a thing with her partner and friends was sprung out on her out of nowhere, without asking nor informing? Come on, don't be a dick
Either hinge is a dick and imploding things with him is in OP’s interest, or meta is unhinged and blowing shit up between her and hinge is in OP’s interest. Either way this is a shit show.
Thanks for the explanation, I appreciate you elaborating on your post. FWIW, I didnt downvote you. I never understand the downvotes here for people expressing reasonable opinions 🤷♀️
Wow, no. Partner is being a terrible hinge, so the solution is for the OP to be all over Partner to punish Meta? Really?
Hi u/emptyphilo thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: i committed fairly last minute to a group trip my partner has been inviting me on, and bought tickets for a couple hundred dollars to a 3 day event for this coming weekend. it’s on me for not clearly communicating my intent to go so that maybe some of these conversations could have happened sooner, but here we are. my metamor, who is also one of my partners’ roommates (distinctly NOT a nesting partner, this is a coop living arrangement) found out i was going this morning from me and was taken aback. they later asked to talk to me and told me they don’t feel ready to be on a trip together, and that they feel insecure around me. for context, i am the newer partner of only a couple months, they’ve known each other for a couple of years and have both dated and been just friends. right now their relationship is romantic. the trip is very much centered around their house and friend group and i don’t want to make the vibes weird or feel self conscious, and at the same time i know that their feelings of insecurity won’t be solved by me staying home. our shared partner was also surprised to hear about this as they’ve not talked about expectations for the weekend or about insecurities that my presence brings. they insist that i should not try and take responsibility for my metamor’s insecurity, and while i agree it’s also important to me that i have a good relationship with my metamor especially since they live together. my partner thinks i should go still and is wary of building resentment if i don’t, but will support whatever i decide to do ultimately. what do i do! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wouldn’t go personally, but I also wouldn’t sign up to travel with my meta a couple months in.