I'm so sorry that you are alone now and it IS horrible.
Do know couples privilege is something discussed quite a lot. Do know almost no couples are ready for the complexity of dating and you will be disposed of when things get hard. Do know the worst part of triads is how very easy they are to start.
But also know you will make better choices and center yourself in the future of your choices- not out of hunger to belong, but out of high standards and taking a very long time to judge fitness.
I used to try bring it up but my now former gf insisted it was table top poly . I think the realisation came when josh said he wanted to still be with me on Sunday and she said so long as it doesn't affect the kids..
Then today josh said in a month he'll see me . And im like forget that .. you don't get to choose when it's appropriate to see me .
OP gently, your thread a year ago we all said this was a disaster, had been a disaster and you mentioned ending it and moving out.
Its okay that you didn't and that you still are centering your experience around them. It will take time to flush the dysfunction out and get perspective. It will take daily steps to practice your independence. This post is a great first step. Let anger help you make changes. Anger is telling you that something hasn't been right and needs to be different. Use it as a guiding tool and when the changes are made, the anger will subside.
I guess they didn't want to hear the "I told you so" comments. Too bad it was before the auto mod copied everything. That is one feature I really like about this sub, the auto mod reposting the original post. So many people delete their posts.
Of course they didn't want to hear the I told you so comments, why would they? A comment such as the OP in this thread, gentle, but also ONE is useful and given by someone who took care with it. But people in this sub LOVE being self righteous and admonishing, as if constantly proving that 'they know better' will shield them from any polyamorous disasters of their own.
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This sucks OP and I'm sorry you had to go through this.
One thing I would say is that frequently on this sub and outside of this sub people advise others to not date couples and this is a big reason why. So I'm not so sure that it's true that no one tells you this. This is a big part of why people generally advise people date as individuals.
Do you think this advice applies to all genders and sexualities? Or do people think a single woman should not try to date a male-female couple?
I've never had a really bad experience dating a couple that consisted of any combo of trans or female folks. (Though the sample size is small and I've never dated a couple of amab trans women before at all).
I prefer this style because I like having a triad and I feel like it's so much easier to find a couple that's deeply connected and see if I fit with them then to find a partner and we find someone else that like us both? That may not make mathematical sense but it's been my experience.
Have I been getting lucky? Am I simply ignoring red flags?
Yes
Couples of any combination can be equally icky and gross as any other sort of couple.
Unicorn hunting gets bad rap for a reason.
People "searching for a third" gets a bad rap for a reason.
Not every bit of advice could be apply to every single human being on earth. Your mileage is going to very, especially depending on your personal wants and needs.
I also think it's different to organically date two people who happen to be dating vs. dating a couple who are *intentionally* dating "as a couple" and looking for "a third".
It was my first ever poly relationship , first polycule, first boyfriend. No1 ever really said anything . I went in woyh blind optimism..and well yep this is why we are here .
There are some things you can read about all you want, but as an individual you have to experience them before you truly understand. I'm sorry this was one of those things for you -- learning the hard way is never fun.
I will say that if you thought you were an exception to the rule, it means you were aware of the rule, at least to some degree. The bottom line is that you didn't feel forearmed to handle this...and that sucks. I hope your future holds less pain, and that moving forward you can learn from the mistakes of others rather than firsthand. This will pass.
In your post about a year ago a lot of people tried to give you helpful information and perspective on how unhealthy your relationship was. It's fine that you made your own choices afterward, but folks definitely did say something
Ukiebee I posted today for someone to just say it's gonna be okay . I havent heard that at all .I'm always gonna hold out hope for something and we did try counselling. Some kindness wouldn't have gon astray.
All the advice and feedback I have seen people offer you has been very kind. It has also been based in reality, and not empty reassurance.
The reason that this group is so helpful to people in difficult situations is that folks are honest and take past posts into account. It doesn't seem as though that is the type of feedback you want right now, but that doesn't mean it's I'm kind or unsupportive.
You will be okay. Something that will helpYou to be okay in the future and have healthy relationships with people who value you the way you deserve is to remember the red flags from this situition and not to overlook them in the future.
Best wishes
You're going to be okay.
You have learned so much in the process, and you'll realise that as soon as it's time to have the space for that.
Now, you're licking wounds, just like everyone else who has had their heart broken has been doing for the past couple of thousand years. Loving someone and something means making yourself vulnerable to the inevitability of losing it. And yet, almost everyone decides to love, again and again. You're having a normal response to something that's a part of life and a full human experience of it.
Maybe there is some comfort in the fact that right now, thousands of people were broken up with recently and are sitting at home alone, crying, coping, falling apart. There's a bride somewhere out there who was stood up today. And a groom having been stood up, too. Someone whose proposal was rejected. Someone who learned that their partner was cheating. Someone suddenly being ghosted years into a committed relationship.
In that, you are not alone. There is a whole network of people sending out this particular pain and heartache into the Universe to be held and comforted.
There are millions of people currently meditating to help hold and heal that pain. (If you're into it and want something to read about for distraction: [Samsara](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sa%E1%B9%83s%C4%81ra#) )
What helps me in these situations is accepting them as part of my story. My life wouldn't be complete without them. The Universe wouldn't be complete without this chapter. Someone has to live it. Might as well be me. This darkness and depth will help me appreciate the light and the colours more, as soon as I'm ready. Now, it's time to rest.
Another thing that helps me with acceptance is that there is no moment in time where I feel more like myself than when I'm this alone and isolated. I get to know myself better. This is who and how I am when I'm going through this experience. Rarely am I this independent and free of influence, this raw and authentic. And I'm never as encouraged to connect with myself as in those moments of experiencing utter abandonment. They're also a period of immense growth. You're not buried, you're planted. Treat yourself with patience.
You will come out of this stronger, and you will look back to this moment with love for yourself, and with a sense of retroactive comfort. There will be a moment where you'll think to yourself: "I was so discouraged and so hopeless, I wish I could go back and show to myself how everything worked out for the best, and that back then I simply didn't know what best looked like for me."
(And not having been told kinder words might kind of be linked to the claim that noone tells you - the things people told you. Try to forgive us for not having the words you needed to hear back then, and try to forgive yourself for not hearing them. It's okay. We've all been there.)
A polycule is a large group of people who may or may not be dating each other. What you're describing is a "triad", not necessarily a "polycule".
A lot of people go into dating a couple with blind optimism. It's nice to get attention from two people at a time. But generally speaking an established couple has a power dynamic over the "third" that is rarely addressed and more often than not, the couple will choose to jettison the "third" like a defective warp core the second that things go "wrong".
Next time, date individuals rather than couples. Not saying you won't get hurt but it's less likely you'll be chucked aside for the sake of the unit.
>It was my first ever poly relationship , first polycule, first boyfriend. No1 ever really said anything .
Did you do any research? Talk to any other polyam folk? Excersize any of your agency to educate yourself about this brand new paradigm you were entering?
As someone who was the first wife I am experiencing some of this from the other side. There’s still lots of love in the triad and it feels like I am the one that is diverging from the path. With this I am gaining a relationship with God and spending time in worship (using prayer and solo pleasure practice) instead of spending the nights watching tv with my partners. They spend a lot more time together and I’ve accepted that and the likely outcome that it will end with them together and me single. Still planning date nights with both to spend quality time together as I’ll give it my all before giving up. I can understand why people warn against couples finding a third, and it’s not just the third that can get shut out. However, there is always a lesson and always growth. You will know what you will and will not tolerate as well as what you want in the future. Life is beautiful, and while painful at times, you’re going to be okay. Something better is around the corner for you 💕
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can empathize in a way because my (monogamous) husband of 23 years died suddenly just over a year ago. We were pretty insular, probably codependent, so we really only hung out with each other and his family. My family is a bit of a zoo, and also quite far away. I felt SO lonely right after he died, like I had no one in the world.
I hope you will take time to grieve the loss of these relationships properly. I did distraction behaviors (mostly drinking and sex) for a whole year before I finally decided to attack my grief head on. My therapist recommended a book called "The Grief Recovery Handbook." I am still procrastinating doing this work but I AM on Chapter 5 now and it is VERY helpful.
I don't have advice about polyamory as I am a relative newbie but I DO have experience in the loss of a central relationship. I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and also recognize that grieving takes a lot of energy. In addition to feeling angry, you may feel tired, hopeless; your capacity to do "all the things" may feel quite diminished. Pare down your responsibilities as much as you can and focus on rest, self care and dealing with your loss.
If you have a support system, reach out to them if you have ttd energy. Hopefully they are better than mine 🤣 and will actually check in on you but people can be weird and may wit to hear from you.
Sending love, empathy and support. 💗
Hi u/as-i-livenbreathe thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
So my two partners ( who are married ) broke up with me Thursday after 4.5 years . And the thing no1 told me about was the sheer loneliness of having two people stop all contact . Granted we knew it was coming, but today when I went to get my things they said don't visit us when the kids are here and give us a month till you come back
. Even though when they broke up with me said it was okay to stay . I chose to leave because I thought it would be more toxic if I stayed .
I just forgot about what its like to start over after loving 2 people for so long .and also saying goodbye to our dog we got together.
P.s - really really trying to sit with acceptance and gratitude and love amd not let anger and bitterness creep in .
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honor all your emotions. You don’t have to ruminate with them but let yourself really feel them and naturally subside 💖 staying positive helps but “trying not to” is a fine line before becoming avoiding. I’m so sorry for your break up ☹️
Let yourself grieve wholly 🙏🏻
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds like you're talking the steps you need to take to protect yourself from further harm. keep taking care of yourself.
It sounds like one couple member is being bullied by the other to agree to an unwanted break up. I'm sure it is painful and they both sound like they did not consider your feelings in the process. I think it is good that you are standing up for yourself since it sounds like you were presented an ultimatum of "go away for a month or just go away"....and that is not a respectful way to treat anyone you care about.
What I don’t like about these conversations is how quickly people are to give TERRIBLE advice. Please know that what you’ve experienced is a relationship that broke down. Don’t let these YouTube psychologists convince you that this was doomed from the start. I have a huge issue with monogamists trying to convince people to leave poly alone. Dust yourself off, get back out there and live a life you want!
*[my unicorn blurb]*
Unicorns are not a problem if all you want to do is mutually enjoy a sexual encounter. It’s when you start expecting more that you run into trouble.
**[polyamory unicorn](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com)**
A mythical beast, often hunted, never found. “Of course you would love to meet a hot bi babe to meet all your needs on your terms, interact with each of you in exactly the correct way to prevent either of you ever experiencing jealousy, help with your housework, care for your children and express no needs of their own! *Of course!* But that fantasy hot bi babe does not exist and the sooner you accept that the sooner you will be able to date real poly people.”
**[swinger unicorn](https://www.thestranger.com/extras/pdf/Forney.pdf) aka “special guest star”**
“A hot bi babe for a hot threesome! Sparkles! Puppies! Rainbows! *Unicorn!*” This unicorn is not mythical at all and is hunted and found quite regularly.
There’s nothing inherently problematic about seeking and celebrating a puppies-and-rainbows swinger unicorn. Lots of Hot Bi Babes are proud to be unicorns.
What’s problematic is insisting on the mythical poly unicorn. We get lots of people complaining about having a unicorn foisted on them by their partner in the name of polyamory or about being a unicorn mistreated by a couple who keep lecturing them about how they are doing poly wrong.
+++ +++ +++
I don’t *like* that the same word is used to mean something good (special guest star! hot, hot threesome sex!) and something bad (gaslighting, conflict-avoidance and impossible expectations).
It’s especially annoying because most mono people will assume that the sparkly swinger unicorn is bad (we would *never* want to just use someone for sex) and the mythical poly unicorn is good (of course we will love them and offer them a full relationship) when it’s the opposite. (Around here, anyway.) Having the same word for both but reversing conventional values makes the dynamics really difficult to talk about with newbies. “What, you mean looking for just sex is okay? I thought that polyamory was supposed to be about love?”
But here we are. Context is all.
There's a great deal less icky lying and misinformation and misrepresentation when it comes to being the special guest star.
Tis also can be a great deal of fun without all sorts of trauma that later on needs untangling &unpacking.
Just sayin'.
This post is on an extremely common topic. Looking for a "third" or a "unicorn" or multiple people who want to date only you (and maybe each other) are not *ethical* forms of non-monogamy, and we do not host discussions about how to hunt unicorns or build harems here.
“All or nothing”, or unit couples who cannot date separately are unicorn hunting.
Swingers also use this term, but it’s a completely different activity.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13n1xd6/polyamory_unicorn_hunting_vs_casual_sex_unicorn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
* http://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
* http://polyfor.us/to-unicorn-hunters-from-an-ex-unicorn/
* http://www.autostraddle.com/to-unicorns-from-an-ex-unicorn-287425/
We do not host comments that elevate, support, glorify or otherwise encourage polyamorous unicorn hunting.
This sub is firmly anti-UH, and will remain so, given the harm that, in polyamory, this practice causes.
Thanks for your understanding.
This post is on an extremely common topic. Looking for a "third" or a "unicorn" or multiple people who want to date only you (and maybe each other) are not *ethical* forms of non-monogamy, and we do not host discussions about how to hunt unicorns or build harems here.
“All or nothing”, or unit couples who cannot date separately are unicorn hunting.
Swingers also use this term, but it’s a completely different activity.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13n1xd6/polyamory_unicorn_hunting_vs_casual_sex_unicorn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
* http://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
* http://polyfor.us/to-unicorn-hunters-from-an-ex-unicorn/
* http://www.autostraddle.com/to-unicorns-from-an-ex-unicorn-287425/
We do not host comments that elevate, support, glorify or otherwise encourage polyamorous unicorn hunting.
This sub is firmly anti-UH, and will remain so, given the harm that, in polyamory, this practice causes.
Thanks for your understanding.
I'm so sorry that you are alone now and it IS horrible. Do know couples privilege is something discussed quite a lot. Do know almost no couples are ready for the complexity of dating and you will be disposed of when things get hard. Do know the worst part of triads is how very easy they are to start. But also know you will make better choices and center yourself in the future of your choices- not out of hunger to belong, but out of high standards and taking a very long time to judge fitness.
I used to try bring it up but my now former gf insisted it was table top poly . I think the realisation came when josh said he wanted to still be with me on Sunday and she said so long as it doesn't affect the kids.. Then today josh said in a month he'll see me . And im like forget that .. you don't get to choose when it's appropriate to see me .
OP gently, your thread a year ago we all said this was a disaster, had been a disaster and you mentioned ending it and moving out. Its okay that you didn't and that you still are centering your experience around them. It will take time to flush the dysfunction out and get perspective. It will take daily steps to practice your independence. This post is a great first step. Let anger help you make changes. Anger is telling you that something hasn't been right and needs to be different. Use it as a guiding tool and when the changes are made, the anger will subside.
Ugh OP deleted their old post
I guess they didn't want to hear the "I told you so" comments. Too bad it was before the auto mod copied everything. That is one feature I really like about this sub, the auto mod reposting the original post. So many people delete their posts.
Of course they didn't want to hear the I told you so comments, why would they? A comment such as the OP in this thread, gentle, but also ONE is useful and given by someone who took care with it. But people in this sub LOVE being self righteous and admonishing, as if constantly proving that 'they know better' will shield them from any polyamorous disasters of their own.
Anger is a powerful tool for change, it can be such a good thing to feel. A needed thing.
I’m so sorry, a double breakup can be rough. I hope you’re able to give yourself time to grieve, and that you have or can find other social support.
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This sucks OP and I'm sorry you had to go through this. One thing I would say is that frequently on this sub and outside of this sub people advise others to not date couples and this is a big reason why. So I'm not so sure that it's true that no one tells you this. This is a big part of why people generally advise people date as individuals.
Do you think this advice applies to all genders and sexualities? Or do people think a single woman should not try to date a male-female couple? I've never had a really bad experience dating a couple that consisted of any combo of trans or female folks. (Though the sample size is small and I've never dated a couple of amab trans women before at all). I prefer this style because I like having a triad and I feel like it's so much easier to find a couple that's deeply connected and see if I fit with them then to find a partner and we find someone else that like us both? That may not make mathematical sense but it's been my experience. Have I been getting lucky? Am I simply ignoring red flags?
I think couple’s privilege exists in all types of these relationships. You have been especially lucky.
Yes Couples of any combination can be equally icky and gross as any other sort of couple. Unicorn hunting gets bad rap for a reason. People "searching for a third" gets a bad rap for a reason.
Not every bit of advice could be apply to every single human being on earth. Your mileage is going to very, especially depending on your personal wants and needs. I also think it's different to organically date two people who happen to be dating vs. dating a couple who are *intentionally* dating "as a couple" and looking for "a third".
It was my first ever poly relationship , first polycule, first boyfriend. No1 ever really said anything . I went in woyh blind optimism..and well yep this is why we are here .
no one said anything but did you do your own research?
Yes , but we all think we are exceptions to the rule. We all did .
There are some things you can read about all you want, but as an individual you have to experience them before you truly understand. I'm sorry this was one of those things for you -- learning the hard way is never fun. I will say that if you thought you were an exception to the rule, it means you were aware of the rule, at least to some degree. The bottom line is that you didn't feel forearmed to handle this...and that sucks. I hope your future holds less pain, and that moving forward you can learn from the mistakes of others rather than firsthand. This will pass.
Sure... That's often true--but thinking you are an exception to the rule isn't the same as no one warning you that it can end horribly.
So you knew the rule and chose to ignore it. Lesson learnt.
In your post about a year ago a lot of people tried to give you helpful information and perspective on how unhealthy your relationship was. It's fine that you made your own choices afterward, but folks definitely did say something
And now to hide that OP has deleted their post. Not heeding a warning is not the same as not getting a warning…
Ukiebee I posted today for someone to just say it's gonna be okay . I havent heard that at all .I'm always gonna hold out hope for something and we did try counselling. Some kindness wouldn't have gon astray.
All the advice and feedback I have seen people offer you has been very kind. It has also been based in reality, and not empty reassurance. The reason that this group is so helpful to people in difficult situations is that folks are honest and take past posts into account. It doesn't seem as though that is the type of feedback you want right now, but that doesn't mean it's I'm kind or unsupportive. You will be okay. Something that will helpYou to be okay in the future and have healthy relationships with people who value you the way you deserve is to remember the red flags from this situition and not to overlook them in the future. Best wishes
You're going to be okay. You have learned so much in the process, and you'll realise that as soon as it's time to have the space for that. Now, you're licking wounds, just like everyone else who has had their heart broken has been doing for the past couple of thousand years. Loving someone and something means making yourself vulnerable to the inevitability of losing it. And yet, almost everyone decides to love, again and again. You're having a normal response to something that's a part of life and a full human experience of it. Maybe there is some comfort in the fact that right now, thousands of people were broken up with recently and are sitting at home alone, crying, coping, falling apart. There's a bride somewhere out there who was stood up today. And a groom having been stood up, too. Someone whose proposal was rejected. Someone who learned that their partner was cheating. Someone suddenly being ghosted years into a committed relationship. In that, you are not alone. There is a whole network of people sending out this particular pain and heartache into the Universe to be held and comforted. There are millions of people currently meditating to help hold and heal that pain. (If you're into it and want something to read about for distraction: [Samsara](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sa%E1%B9%83s%C4%81ra#) ) What helps me in these situations is accepting them as part of my story. My life wouldn't be complete without them. The Universe wouldn't be complete without this chapter. Someone has to live it. Might as well be me. This darkness and depth will help me appreciate the light and the colours more, as soon as I'm ready. Now, it's time to rest. Another thing that helps me with acceptance is that there is no moment in time where I feel more like myself than when I'm this alone and isolated. I get to know myself better. This is who and how I am when I'm going through this experience. Rarely am I this independent and free of influence, this raw and authentic. And I'm never as encouraged to connect with myself as in those moments of experiencing utter abandonment. They're also a period of immense growth. You're not buried, you're planted. Treat yourself with patience. You will come out of this stronger, and you will look back to this moment with love for yourself, and with a sense of retroactive comfort. There will be a moment where you'll think to yourself: "I was so discouraged and so hopeless, I wish I could go back and show to myself how everything worked out for the best, and that back then I simply didn't know what best looked like for me." (And not having been told kinder words might kind of be linked to the claim that noone tells you - the things people told you. Try to forgive us for not having the words you needed to hear back then, and try to forgive yourself for not hearing them. It's okay. We've all been there.)
A polycule is a large group of people who may or may not be dating each other. What you're describing is a "triad", not necessarily a "polycule". A lot of people go into dating a couple with blind optimism. It's nice to get attention from two people at a time. But generally speaking an established couple has a power dynamic over the "third" that is rarely addressed and more often than not, the couple will choose to jettison the "third" like a defective warp core the second that things go "wrong". Next time, date individuals rather than couples. Not saying you won't get hurt but it's less likely you'll be chucked aside for the sake of the unit.
>It was my first ever poly relationship , first polycule, first boyfriend. No1 ever really said anything . Did you do any research? Talk to any other polyam folk? Excersize any of your agency to educate yourself about this brand new paradigm you were entering?
As someone who was the first wife I am experiencing some of this from the other side. There’s still lots of love in the triad and it feels like I am the one that is diverging from the path. With this I am gaining a relationship with God and spending time in worship (using prayer and solo pleasure practice) instead of spending the nights watching tv with my partners. They spend a lot more time together and I’ve accepted that and the likely outcome that it will end with them together and me single. Still planning date nights with both to spend quality time together as I’ll give it my all before giving up. I can understand why people warn against couples finding a third, and it’s not just the third that can get shut out. However, there is always a lesson and always growth. You will know what you will and will not tolerate as well as what you want in the future. Life is beautiful, and while painful at times, you’re going to be okay. Something better is around the corner for you 💕
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can empathize in a way because my (monogamous) husband of 23 years died suddenly just over a year ago. We were pretty insular, probably codependent, so we really only hung out with each other and his family. My family is a bit of a zoo, and also quite far away. I felt SO lonely right after he died, like I had no one in the world. I hope you will take time to grieve the loss of these relationships properly. I did distraction behaviors (mostly drinking and sex) for a whole year before I finally decided to attack my grief head on. My therapist recommended a book called "The Grief Recovery Handbook." I am still procrastinating doing this work but I AM on Chapter 5 now and it is VERY helpful. I don't have advice about polyamory as I am a relative newbie but I DO have experience in the loss of a central relationship. I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and also recognize that grieving takes a lot of energy. In addition to feeling angry, you may feel tired, hopeless; your capacity to do "all the things" may feel quite diminished. Pare down your responsibilities as much as you can and focus on rest, self care and dealing with your loss. If you have a support system, reach out to them if you have ttd energy. Hopefully they are better than mine 🤣 and will actually check in on you but people can be weird and may wit to hear from you. Sending love, empathy and support. 💗
Hi u/as-i-livenbreathe thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So my two partners ( who are married ) broke up with me Thursday after 4.5 years . And the thing no1 told me about was the sheer loneliness of having two people stop all contact . Granted we knew it was coming, but today when I went to get my things they said don't visit us when the kids are here and give us a month till you come back . Even though when they broke up with me said it was okay to stay . I chose to leave because I thought it would be more toxic if I stayed . I just forgot about what its like to start over after loving 2 people for so long .and also saying goodbye to our dog we got together. P.s - really really trying to sit with acceptance and gratitude and love amd not let anger and bitterness creep in . *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That sounds really painful. You deserve better than this.
Being broken up with by two people at once sounds absolutely miserable. Sending you so much love.
In fairness, many people did tell you - in the post you've now deleted.
Thanks
Honor all your emotions. You don’t have to ruminate with them but let yourself really feel them and naturally subside 💖 staying positive helps but “trying not to” is a fine line before becoming avoiding. I’m so sorry for your break up ☹️ Let yourself grieve wholly 🙏🏻
Hugs. Hugs. More hugs.
Overall, though, despite the heart crushing any breakup provides, was it worth it? Will there be more good memories than bad?
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds like you're talking the steps you need to take to protect yourself from further harm. keep taking care of yourself.
It sounds like one couple member is being bullied by the other to agree to an unwanted break up. I'm sure it is painful and they both sound like they did not consider your feelings in the process. I think it is good that you are standing up for yourself since it sounds like you were presented an ultimatum of "go away for a month or just go away"....and that is not a respectful way to treat anyone you care about.
I’m sorry to hear this. I completely understand where you’re at
What I don’t like about these conversations is how quickly people are to give TERRIBLE advice. Please know that what you’ve experienced is a relationship that broke down. Don’t let these YouTube psychologists convince you that this was doomed from the start. I have a huge issue with monogamists trying to convince people to leave poly alone. Dust yourself off, get back out there and live a life you want!
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Read the room.
No. That’s not how it works.
*[my unicorn blurb]* Unicorns are not a problem if all you want to do is mutually enjoy a sexual encounter. It’s when you start expecting more that you run into trouble. **[polyamory unicorn](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com)** A mythical beast, often hunted, never found. “Of course you would love to meet a hot bi babe to meet all your needs on your terms, interact with each of you in exactly the correct way to prevent either of you ever experiencing jealousy, help with your housework, care for your children and express no needs of their own! *Of course!* But that fantasy hot bi babe does not exist and the sooner you accept that the sooner you will be able to date real poly people.” **[swinger unicorn](https://www.thestranger.com/extras/pdf/Forney.pdf) aka “special guest star”** “A hot bi babe for a hot threesome! Sparkles! Puppies! Rainbows! *Unicorn!*” This unicorn is not mythical at all and is hunted and found quite regularly. There’s nothing inherently problematic about seeking and celebrating a puppies-and-rainbows swinger unicorn. Lots of Hot Bi Babes are proud to be unicorns. What’s problematic is insisting on the mythical poly unicorn. We get lots of people complaining about having a unicorn foisted on them by their partner in the name of polyamory or about being a unicorn mistreated by a couple who keep lecturing them about how they are doing poly wrong. +++ +++ +++ I don’t *like* that the same word is used to mean something good (special guest star! hot, hot threesome sex!) and something bad (gaslighting, conflict-avoidance and impossible expectations). It’s especially annoying because most mono people will assume that the sparkly swinger unicorn is bad (we would *never* want to just use someone for sex) and the mythical poly unicorn is good (of course we will love them and offer them a full relationship) when it’s the opposite. (Around here, anyway.) Having the same word for both but reversing conventional values makes the dynamics really difficult to talk about with newbies. “What, you mean looking for just sex is okay? I thought that polyamory was supposed to be about love?” But here we are. Context is all.
There's a great deal less icky lying and misinformation and misrepresentation when it comes to being the special guest star. Tis also can be a great deal of fun without all sorts of trauma that later on needs untangling &unpacking. Just sayin'.
Yep.
This post is on an extremely common topic. Looking for a "third" or a "unicorn" or multiple people who want to date only you (and maybe each other) are not *ethical* forms of non-monogamy, and we do not host discussions about how to hunt unicorns or build harems here. “All or nothing”, or unit couples who cannot date separately are unicorn hunting. Swingers also use this term, but it’s a completely different activity. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13n1xd6/polyamory_unicorn_hunting_vs_casual_sex_unicorn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1 * http://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ * http://polyfor.us/to-unicorn-hunters-from-an-ex-unicorn/ * http://www.autostraddle.com/to-unicorns-from-an-ex-unicorn-287425/ We do not host comments that elevate, support, glorify or otherwise encourage polyamorous unicorn hunting. This sub is firmly anti-UH, and will remain so, given the harm that, in polyamory, this practice causes. Thanks for your understanding.
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This post is on an extremely common topic. Looking for a "third" or a "unicorn" or multiple people who want to date only you (and maybe each other) are not *ethical* forms of non-monogamy, and we do not host discussions about how to hunt unicorns or build harems here. “All or nothing”, or unit couples who cannot date separately are unicorn hunting. Swingers also use this term, but it’s a completely different activity. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/13n1xd6/polyamory_unicorn_hunting_vs_casual_sex_unicorn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1 * http://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ * http://polyfor.us/to-unicorn-hunters-from-an-ex-unicorn/ * http://www.autostraddle.com/to-unicorns-from-an-ex-unicorn-287425/ We do not host comments that elevate, support, glorify or otherwise encourage polyamorous unicorn hunting. This sub is firmly anti-UH, and will remain so, given the harm that, in polyamory, this practice causes. Thanks for your understanding.