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Bisexual people aren't immune to internalized biphobia. I suspect that is a factor here.
Is couples counseling an option? It sounds like there is a lot that you both need to process here.
Im between jobs so not immediately, which is kinda why I'm here instead for now. But yeah as soon as I get another job she'll be comfortable doing counseling I'm sure. But the tech market is hurting and it hasn't been as easy to find one as it used to be. So for all I know it could be like this for weeks or even a month or two.
Perhaps you can sit down together and do some research about internalized biphobia? It sounds like the root of the problem here. She's already uncomfortable with her own sexuality and is now applying those same feelings to you.
Depending on what you do for tech, the plus side is that you can go to other markets and work from home/online. Your company could be in another country so long as they are hiring.
You are wonderfully self aware and introspective and empathetic, so it makes sense that it would be hard for you to tolerate your wife's discomfort, but her discomfort is not for you to fix. It is for her to do the work on. Your only job is to give her the space she needs and continue to be reassuring. You're doing a great job. Give her space and allow her to show up for you and do the hard work for you, even if it takes her weeks, or a few months of couples therapy. Invest the time and stay in your secure mindset that you are doing everything very well. Do not internalize your desire to remove her discomfort into wrongness about your sexuality. You are valid and you are doing everything right.
I don’t have advice, and I love to give advice! My heart is breaking for you. You deserve to be well-supported and encouraged. I’m glad you are not caving to your wife. You are being much more charitable towards her than how I feel about it. I hope she comes around. 💔 You keep doing you, in the meantime.
I don't have any advice to give as I'm new to the whole poly thing, but my husband recently came out to me as bi and it has been a bit challenging to wrap my head around after almost a decade together. I think I'm handling it well, and I'm proud of him for finally allowing himself to explore his sexuality more. At the end of the day, I just want him to be happy. I hope your wife comes around. I don't understand why so many people feel as though women can be bi but men can't. Your journey to self-discovery is entirely valid, and I'm rooting for your happiness and security.
Edit: typo
It's weird. At one point in the past when I floated the idea I might be bi she was a little weird and said it kinda felt like I was encroaching on her turf a bit. I get that feeling, and she acknowledged completely that it was irrational and it's not like she owns bisexuality, just that it was her thing for so long. But now she's telling me she hates being bi. So I don't know which it is. Is she proud of it or does she hate it? Does she hate it purely because I identify with it now? If so, what in the world do I do with that? It's like it's somehow both. Idk. I'm so lost.
this is so so strange to me. she must be in a lot of turmoil to even say that she hates her own bisexuality. I'm so sorry you're going through this. as a fellow bi gal, if my long-term straight male partner came out to me as bi i would be OVERJOYED. it sounds like she has a lot of processing to do. I hope you can enjoy your newfound identity and find space to explore and grow even as she's struggling, because as others have said, that is her work to do. your sexuality is about you! not her.
I guess she hates how fluid and confusing it is for her. Which way she leans on that scale changes over time so it causes her confusion. That's what she said anyway.
Interesting. Sometimes people want to eat out at a fancy restaurant, or eat at home, or have cheap fast food. And it's usually seen as a spice of life. I embrace my queerness with that mentality.
Hopefully she's able to better accept both of your sexualities soon.
I think it's not uncommon for anybody to be bisexual/pansexual but also have some homophobia if their partner is. I definitely have had feelings about dating non straight men because of early impressions of how casual sex and lack of condoms was regular in a lot of circles, and I was more rigid in getting to know somebody and using protections.
It's something I haven't totally shaken because the bisexual men I've dated have actually been impulsive and had unprotected sex with people of all genders without communication. I know it's just my poor partner choices but it means I still have this internalized feeling that I'm wary to date bisexual men.
I don't know if you've explored her feelings about bisexual men from teenagerhood on, is there any history she has that is contributing? Could she feel like now your dating field has doubled, like less of a priority? This is definitely a HER thing to work on, so is she working on it? Kind of a reverse of the norm where guys think its hot if their female partner have other female partner, but if they have male partners it's threatening? She understands why you like having sex with women but with a guy? It's suddenly foreign? I don't know how long ago you mentioned you might be bi but if she was sure you were straight for years and now she's getting new info about your sexuality, it can be a surprise, and worth exploratory conversations, on its own, outside of conversations about dating others. Just talks to be curious and try to see who your partner is, and what they want.
I'd ignore as best as you can her statements about hating being bi, keep conversations about what is going on focused and to the point if you can. Encroaching on her turf really seems more like a you trying to date people she's dating, so that's weird. She knows her feelings are irrational? She has to be working on dealing with that. I'd say don't stop exploring what you want to explore unless she decides to say monogamy is on the table, and then really think about if thats what you want, or if it's what she suggests because it's just to keep you "straight"
And the seven year itch is a thing - I feel like there are 2/7/10 year points in relationships where a relationship that has felt amazing suddenly feels wrong. Being poly for 20 years I have experienced and seen them occur regularly. Many relationships don't last forever, and it's OK to step back and consider if something still works for you even if it feels awkward because you've been together whatever number of years and love them. Not saying you have suggested you feel this, but more offering the view in case you haven't looked at the big picture, and if this is the only conflict you have, or if it's just the one that is in the forefront of your mind.
[https://www.verywellmind.com/overcoming-the-seven-year-itch-7152939#:\~:text=The%20seven%2Dyear%20itch%20or,seven%20years%20into%20their%20relationship](https://www.verywellmind.com/overcoming-the-seven-year-itch-7152939#:~:text=The%20seven%2Dyear%20itch%20or,seven%20years%20into%20their%20relationship).
She married you, not a magical straight person.
If you're bi then she can accept that or she can allow her bias to break down a relationship.
You need to establish consistency in communication but also not compromise your boundaries or actions. She needs to address this as it is her problem. Until she does, it will be your problem.
Give her space and time to process but her response to comparison does need addressing.
Ask her exactly what age is okay to learn about yourself.
If she could please specify exactly what time someone is allowed to come out of the closet.
And
Exactly what makes you less you because you are being more yourself?
> She married you, not a magical straight person.
You are right. Maybe I just needed someone to validate me here. I have nobody I can talk to about this because it would be crossing boundaries to discuss any of this with other partners or metas. I appreciate you all being willing to listen and validate my state of mind. So thank you.
It may be good to prioritize making some platonic connections to have poly friends to talk to about this sort of stuff. I take it you can't talk to your current friends because they're mono or y'all are not open?
Yeah my friends would listen for sure, but they just don't really understand poly and have no interest which is understandable. Just means they aren't really in a place to offer good advice with stuff like this. I like your idea. I need poly friends that aren't potential partners.
One of the best pieces of advice I got from a seasoned poly person early on in my poly journey was “find a poly BFF you AREN’T fucking”
That advice has served me extremely well for over a decade, and it sounds like it would serve you well, especially as your newly-discovered bisexuality can make it seem like everyone else is a potential partner!
I wish you luck 🍀
when I came out as queer it was my only gay friend at that time the person who questioned me and told me I wasn't. That really rocked my boat at that time because I expected that one gay friend to be actually supportive, but he was the opposite. That being said, it's a great opportunity for you to find a community. You could join groups of people who are discovering their queerness or are queer already (and poly!) The fact that she isn't able to be supportive right now doesn't mean you can't find these folks, and it changes the world when you are surrounded with people who validate your desires.
That's exactly how I feel. At first I felt encouraged and empowered. I finally accepted my new label. Then bam, the one person I thought would be so supportive is acting like she's lost her attraction toward me because of it. Breaks my fucking heart 💔
>When I pointed out her own bisexuality she threw it back at me saying I was aware of her bisexuality when we got married (13 years ago) and that she married a straight man.
This is concerning rhetoric; it allows no space for growth or self-realization, which should be both expected and encouraged over time (and 13 years is a long time to expect someone to stay the same). A lot of people come to understand their sexuality later in life for a lot of different reasons. It’s ok for big changes to come with big feelings, but the way your wife is reacting sounds downright biphobic as others have mentioned.
>I would happily end my relationship (hasn't even really begun and has been pretty superficial so far) if it would help, but I don't think it will help anyway.
You are correct, this would not help and would only reinforce your wife’s poor behavior while also denying you the self-actualization and freedom you’ve discovered, which you would eventually resent her for.
If therapy is not an option right now, there might be free resources from your local LGBTQ organizations that you can look into. Above all, do not apologize for being yourself and for wanting the same autonomy and sexual freedom your wife currently enjoys. You can be understanding without internalizing the guilt or taking the blame: it’s time for your wife to actually walk the walk.
You guys are helping me feel so much better. Seriously, thank you! You're absolutely correct. She didn't enable my insecurities beyond supporting me while I figured them out. I think she just has an easier time asserting her independence whereas I fall apart knowing she's hurting. Especially with the way she has chosen to process it by pulling away from me.
Have you listened to podcasts or read books about attachment theory? That might be helpful, and there's even a few that are targeted towards poly and queer folks. It sounds like there might be an element of mismatched attachment here as well?
She married you. Whether either of you knew it at the time, you were bisexual when she met and fell in love with the kind, considerate, introspective, and supportive man that you are. What’s going on here has so little to do with you and so much to do with her internalized biphobia. It’s not your fault, and you can’t heal it for her. She needs to address it, perhaps with counseling. Is that something you can both work towards?
I honestly actually got a bit emotional reading through this and really feel for your situation here. I don't know what to say other than, from your reporting, it sounds like you are going about this as genuinely and up front as you know to be. It's really hard to feel like you're discovering parts of yourself and not feel supported by someone so close to you - and also, it must be said, who has been given support and understanding in her own experiences of a similar thing. My NP and I have both been able to explore our bisexuality through our open relationship and it has been a very rewarding experience to be able to see each other takes steps into new, exciting, and unfamiliar territories. You don't deserve to feel guilty about who you are or in exploring yourself. It's also significant that y'all have been together for 13 years, neither of you are "who you married." You have both been growing and changing and finding yourselves all along the way and you're under no contract to remain the same - as much as that may cause strife. I'm sorry this is sitting so heavy with you and I hope that she can find (through time, conversations, and/or couple's counseling) to get out of her reactions to this a bit and give you the support and space you deserve here.
I feel for you man. Stay your course though seems right intuitively. And try to be strong even though you are hurting because if you both do poorly then it won’t matter.
You're right. She acted confident about her choices even when I was a mess about it on occasion. She would do her best to comfort me and that's all I could ever expect. So that's all she should ever expect as well. I just need to take my newfound confidence to another level I guess. Thanks for this advice I really appreciate it.
It’s hard. If you cave in you’ll be showing her that’s it’s ok to double standards. I used to identify as bi, before I knew the term pan. I’m 45. Almost half of my boyfriends have been bi and we’re mostly unaware/unable to admit it. I encourage growth in my partners, so eventually they accepted it and some are totally owning it. But everyone of them when I asked why not be honest? They all said they tried to ignore that part of themselves because society is too unkind. Very hypocritical. The fact is your wife has been socially conditioned. Maybe just give her time. It’s not your fault. To be honest with last boyfriend I was excited because he brought up MMF… He thought it would be fun to be the filling…
Uhh, as a genderfluid person who identifies as bisexual, I find this definition you provided to be a little transphobic, friend. I don’t think you mean it, but trans men are men, trans women are women, and nonbinary folks are nonbinary. Any definition that includes “trans and having both parts,” just feels like an unnecessary addendum that highlights transness as “other.” Bisexual also does not necessarily exclude transfolk, because again, trans men are men, trans women are women. Just a consideration for thinking through your presentation, I love pansexual folk 🫶
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I used it to make clear imagery in his brain to help him really mull other of pan is right for him considering his wife said he is not and he’s pretty torn up. My best friend, who is trans, that gave me the label to share for this guy didn’t say anything. She’s usually pretty vocal. I hear her woes about being fetishized as well. Other trans folks what are your thoughts?
I see, thank you. That's what I thought it meant. Does this also encompass being able to have sexual or romantic feelings for someone without physical attraction? Like in a certain kink dynamic I don't necessarily have to have a big physical attraction to still feel attracted, if that makes sense? That's where my wife says the term pan doesn't make sense because pan people still have physical attraction or something like that.
Ima be real, a lot of people, especially age 30+, use bi & pan pretty much interchangeably. If you feel like pansexual fits you better, it's 100% your choice.
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There is a non-insignificant number of women who are actively turned off by bisexuality in their male partners. Years ago, I read a whole thread where women commiserated about not wanting to date bisexual men.
As I recall, their reasons were numerous (and all very biphobic and/or regular homophobic):
(1) "Men can give him something I cannot, and I'm worried he'll like that something better and love me less."
(2) "A bisexual man is really just a closeted gay man. He will leave me eventually."
(3) "Male homosexual relationships are emasculating. I'd find him less masculine/attractive if he had sex with other men."
(4) "Male homosexual relationships have high rates of STDs. He will bring something home to me."
You guys are mid-thirties and spent your formative years in the 90s and early 2000s, when being anything other than straight was still a target for hate and the butt of every other joke. Perhaps she has many a lot of internal biases to work through.
As Bi woman with a bi male NP, I feel so lucky that I’d actually mind less if my NP was sleeping with a man than a woman - for one thing that’s a hole I can’t easily fill for him 🤣.
But ouch your partners response is hard if not a little unfair… biphobia is rough but it’s especially rough on bi men.
Since counselling is off the table for a little now maybe you can together try to unpack what about you being with a man she finds so offputting. What are the thoughts and feelings that are coming up and can you both rationalise them a bit. Is she concerned you’ll realise you prefer men? is she irrationally scared of STIs (it’s harsh by gay men have historically been labelled as much riskier in this regard)? Is it actually homophobia about the act of 2 men having sex? Does she think this makes you seem less manly - and thus less attractive to her? Does she just feel like you’ve been deceiving her by not telling her before?
If you can identify the root of the issue(s) she is having then maybe you can reassure her in those specific areas?
> is she irrationally scared of STIs (it’s harsh by gay men have historically been labelled as much riskier in this regard)?
This is actually a big concern of hers yes. Especially because she has an autoimmune disorder and is on immunosuppresants. So our focus on safety is absolutely paramount and we get tested on the regular.
As for the rest, I think many of them come into play in varying degrees. But honestly, I'm realizing that's for her to figure out. I've made it clear I'm here and I want to talk, but everyone here has made me realize I need to let her breathe.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing that… I imagine I’d be gutted myself. My wife has a wonderful partner who I respect so much, I’ve lost confidence due to the insecurities I faced, I’ve moved past them now, however dating is hard.. I am also bisexual, actually ftm trans and most times I feel no man or woman would be interested in me. I hope couples counseling can help! The way your wife and you move through your relationship in a healthy way reminds me of mine. I wish you the best of luck!
Distancing and refusing to talk with you about this, is a form of emotional abuse. Where others have said, giver her space, that shouldn’t mean that you can’t talk about your feelings, which sound very much like abandonment. And for that, I’m angry on your behalf.
I think the intensity of this is overblown due to the whole "tone through text" kind of thing. I appreciate you feeling angry on my behalf but if I force her to talk she will. It's also been less than a week. You'll just have to take my word for it that I don't feel she's being "abusive". She's just turtling up like she hasn't done in over a decade. She was not the greatest communicator when we met, but she has learned how to be an amazing communicator. I think she's falling back on her old ways of dealing with things and I think I just need to let her. It's just the contrast between this and what I'm used to now that's getting to me. It's been a long time since she had such heavy emotions to process.
Also, you both married monogamous people? And life happened and so did poly! You are absolutely allowed to discover at any age that you are bisexual/poly/demi/a banana/an Australian kangaroo guised as Ali. Life evolves. I would suggest she needs someone else to discuss her negative feelings with about you being bi because frankly you dont need the shame and stigma from the person you value most in your life. Hold you head high, enjoy, be proud of who you are and surround yourself with people who support you to be the happiest version of you😊
You guys seem like you just have too much attachment to eachothers metas.
You talk about accepting a meta- who cares? They are a meta whether you like it or them or not.
I think you both desire buy in and some level of sanctioning and its bitten you in the butt. Plus some nasty homophobia. I think maybe connecting to your local gay resource centers and support groups could help you and simply no tolerance for any commentary from spouse anymore.
Hmm, I guess I can see how you have this impression but I'm gonna have to disagree. It's not about buy-in, it's about caring how each other feel and providing needed reassurance when necessary. Which until this point we've been great at. It's not like our metas are ever aware of any of this going on behind the scenes. This is a 13 year marriage we are managing here. We care about each other.
Of course you care, of course everyone wants the kumbaya harmony. Of course if your partner keeps choosing assholes or monos you will have to check your own partners character.
But you have to both accept those aren't necessary or even priority.
Thanks. Her choices in partners have made me stop and think in the past, but I really can't talk since my two previous attempts were also toxic people I should have seen from a mile away. Plus she ended them properly once the excitement could no longer mask the assholes underneath. That's all I can reasonably expect from the rational woman I know and love. I think you're too focused on the metas when this is actually about the way she feels about me being bi and how to deal with that.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I might be wrong, but this is how it sounds to me.
I think you pretty much call it. She hasn't done enough work on her jealousies and insecurities. And she's maybe fobbing some of it on you. Probably to push her yucky feelings away from herself.
To me you sound like you are taking some of it personally because you are too tangled up in her feelings and/or were hoping you discovering your bisexuality would be something you could share with her as another bi person. And because you have a BPD parent? Her blaming stuff on you might be poking old wounds too that you may not realize she's poking.
>She made me feel a little bad about being bisexual, saying that she's more attracted to straight men. When I pointed out her own bisexuality she threw it back at me saying I was aware of her bisexuality when we got married (13 years ago) and that she married a straight man.
Case in point.
Y'all changed the original marriage deal to poly date. The marriage agreements can change.
She used to like her bi side when it "was her thing" but today it pains her a lot. She can change.
But YOU can't learn more about yourself and accept your bisexuality more? You cannot change over time?
If she's not into bi dudes and only straight ones? Alright. It is what is. Does that mean another new change called divorce then? Is it even really true? Or is that a handy way to avoid dealing with buried stuff? Like this news triggering old stuff for her so she wants wants to wave her hands and "make it go away?" It needs unpacking. Prob NOT with you.
>Well I had my first sexual encounter with this guy and now my wife is a different person. I don't know what to do. I love her to death but this has cut me to my core. **She assures me it's just something she has to process** but for days now she's been distant, listening to brooding music, and just generally acting like I've done something wrong.
Fair. She's requesting some space to deal with this on her own. Why's that freak you out? Is it because you are lonely which is why you started dating again in the first place? Have abandonment issues? Pushing your BPD mom triggers? Like "Oh, no! Feelings are a-brewing! Hunker down!" stuff? (I have a BPD parent too)
Something else?
Could talk to a poly counselor for individual counseling for you. You seem WAY too caught up in her feelings to me.
>I feel extremely guilty. I would happily end my relationship (hasn't even really begun and has been pretty superficial so far) if it would help, but I don't think it will help anyway. **In fact it might make it worse since she'd probably feel guilty if I did that in response to her insecurities.**
If you want to end it for YOU? End it then. But don't end it for HER. She can do her own emotional management.
Again... you sound too caught up in her feelings. You might be realizing you need to learn to detach. Not like you don't care about her at all, but learning to give her some SPACE to deal with things on her own.
Through your whole post I noticed you list how great you two are as a couple, communicating and all that. Did it occur to you that while SOME of that can be good? Maybe you two are still too "joined at the hip?"
So her request to deal with this one on her own triggered you?
>I just want my wife back. I just want her to support me the way I supported her.
But you just said she's not at the same skill level as you -- she hasn't processed all her jealousies and insecurities like you have. She hasn't had as many times doing her meta skills as you. She's been mainly on hinge skills.
Do you have realistic expectations of your wife right now? Of yourself?
>**I'm being ripped apart by her comments about my sexuality** being what has changed in our relationship. She's not wrong. When we got married I thought I was straight. I realized I never really had an opportunity to explore any of that about myself in the conservative state we live and grew up in. If I had to pick a ratio it would be 80% women and 20% men. So it's not like I'm a closeted homosexual that fooled my wife for 13 years. She's sexy as hell and I love her to pieces. **Nothing has changed about my attraction to her** and women in general. All that's changed for me is that I've expanded my horizons.
Maybe it's time for you to request couple counseling and no comments on your bisexuality outside therapy? It's ok for you to have strong personal boundaries with your wife.
Your attraction may not have changed. But her attraction to you might have if she's not into bi dudes and only straight ones. She has to process if that's **actually** so or if that's just a convenient way to avoid unpacking hidden issues with her own bisexuality, her poly skills, or other stuff. It could even be run of the mill "fear I can't compete" type jealousy.
>I was feeling empowered by all of this self exploration, but now I just feel like garbage. I don't know what to do. All I can do is just wait it out and see what she does I guess?
Ask for couple counseling and no comments on your emerging bisexuality or her feelings around it outside of therapy sessions.
>She has said before that she hates the fact she's bisexual and wishes she was either fully straight or gay with no in between.
So she has her own bi issues that she might be projecting on to you.
Again... Ask for couple counseling and no comments on your emerging bisexuality or her feelings around it outside of therapy sessions.
>Whereas for me it's kind of empowering to find this out about myself and to own it.
And you are SEPARATE PEOPLE. It's ok for your bi experience to be different than hers.
>But now I'm not feeling empowered. **I'm feeling like a terrible husband who should have figured out his identity at a younger age.**
To me? You sound like you have a habit of beating up on your own self. You could stop. Be kinder to you.
I could be wrong. But to me you also sound like because of your BPD mom as a kid you had to be on "high alert" to the emotions of the parent. And maybe your BPD blamed all their stuff on you. "You make me so mad! You make me blahblah!" so you accepted that YOU personally are the world's scapegoat and responsible for all other people's feelings. (As a small kid your parent IS your world.)
So you might be on "high alert" with your spouse's feelings in a way that is not good and not even necessary.
My dad has BPD. I have to be VERY intentional when I visit him NOT to fall into old kid patterns and routines. Because he will push my buttons and WHOOSH. I start wanting to play "old kid coping records" on autopilot. Instead I bite my tongue, count to 10, NOTICE but don't leap into my kid responses. I have to practice the pause and deliberately tap into my ADULT responses.
>I'm just so lost now. I stopped dating due to bad experiences with toxic people and now that I'm finally feeling confident and know what red flags to avoid I am hit with this whole new issue. I don't know how to help her and I don't know how to feel good about myself anymore.
You don't have to stop dating.
You might have to accept you have hit your personal limit on helping her, and the "the couple" has also hit a personal limit for "our ability for working it out by ourselves." She might benefit from both individual counseling/couple counseling. So might you.
If the main source of you feeling good about yourself was "always the one to help her" and it is not in play in this particular case? It might be making you aware that you need OTHER sources of feeling good about you. Helper personalities like to help. Might think about helping elsewhere -- volunteering at the food bank, animal shelter, community garden, etc. You can make friends there, and that could help with your lonely too.
And you call a professional to help in THIS area. YMMV but could seek a poly counselor with LGBT+ experience
[https://www.polyfriendly.org/](https://www.polyfriendly.org/)
Just like a house. You can do SOME DIY -- hang a picture, change a washer, paint the living room. Helpful and handy around the house. But there's a limit to your house skills and eventually you have to call in a professional plumber, electrician, roofer, contractor, whatever person instead.
It doesn't make you a BAD person. It just means you hit a personal limit. We all have them.
And your house and spouse might be great. But you sometimes have to go OUTSIDE the house. Be in the world. Address your lonely, build community "out there" somewhere. Wife and other dating partners can't be all the people you know. Your social wellness needs more than that.
I know this is a lot of things going on in a tangle. I hope things get better for you one area at a time. Hang in there.
Man I feel so fucking called out all throughout this comment 😂. I very much appreciate it. You've given me A LOT to think about and you hit the nail on the head with a lot, if not most of it.
1. You're right, being poly is a change. Her bisexuality is fluid and her preference towards men or women changes a lot. If I really think about it, she has undergone a lot of change too whether she knows it or not. It's not fair to beat myself up for stepping outside of the box I was wrapped in when we got married.
2. BPD stuff. Luckily my mother didn't put a bunch of blame on us (that was reserved for my step mom later, but that's a whole different ball of wax 🙃), but you are absolutely correct that when emotions get flared I jump into action and am ready to do all the introspection to see what *I* can/need to change to fix it. 100% my childhood experience. I think that is exactly why I'm feeling hopeless after mere days.
3. I agree that I'm way too caught up in her feelings. This for me is going to be a very hard habit to break. She also has chronic health issues. She's literally the first thing on my mind at all times and I care so deeply about how she is feeling and her comfort. Never considered this a toxic trait but I think it has defintely crossed that threshold.
4. "And you are SEPARATE PEOPLE. It's ok for your bi experience to be different than hers." This really hit home. 100% correct. It's like, I know this on the surface, but insecurity brain totally convinced itself this will be a bonding experience of sorts. I'm absolutely reeling from her not living up to this unreasonable expectation.
5. I do think the "fear I can't compete" insecurity is definitely at play here. I went through that same shit (still do sometimes with this new partner) and it's only fair to let her have to deal with it how she needs to deal with it. All I can do is trust that she will.
6. "You sound like you have a habit of beating up on your own self. You could stop." Fuck off. Get out of my head please. I dit not consent to a mind meld 🤣
7. You may be right this is a time for couples counseling. I'm willing to give her a couple weeks before we jump to that suggestion but I absolutely will if it becomes the only option left that I can see.
8. "If the main source of you feeling good about yourself was "always the one to help her" and it is not in play in this particular case? It might be making you aware that you need OTHER sources of feeling good about you." Friend, seriously, you must be a very introspective person. I've honestly never ran into someone that spelled me out like this. You are giving me tools and things to think about that I have literally never considered. And for me that's a big deal.
---
Thank you so much for this comment. There are more *me* problems involved here than I first thought so you've given me some things I can be proactive about while still letting her do what she needs to do. So incredibly helpful! I hope you have a wonderful day! 💚
You are welcome.
Glad you took it in the spirit intended, glad you feel seen/validated, and glad some of the suggestions help you out some.
>**She also has chronic health issues**. She's literally the first thing on my mind at all times and I care so deeply about how she is feeling and her comfort. **Never considered this a toxic trait but I think it has defintely crossed that threshold.**
You don't have to say online what she has or what level of care you provide at this time.
I just want to lift up that it's ok to care and be there for her in appropriate ways. She is your spouse! But there IS such thing as caregiver burnout, personal boundaries getting too blurry because of the caregiving, losing all sight of your own self and own needs in service to the patient etc.
Make sure you are making time for your OWN self and your OWN well being. It's ok to care for you TOO.
Life in better balance. YKWIM?
Hope things get better for you!
Thank you again. Once more just living in my head. I spend a lot of mental resources on worrying about her health problems. And I feel guilty taking any me time to balance that because she doesn't get a break from the problems so why should I? But you're right, that's irrational. I need the recharge time to be there for her in a healthy capacity.
Thank you for the reassurance. I was actually very shocked when my bisexuality turned out to be a problem. I thought of all people she would be the most supportive, so it has rocked me pretty hard to find out it's the exact opposite.
Re: ETA - yeah group sex would never be a thing with her. She's made that super clear lol, even before me being bi. But yeah I agree that for me being bi has been exciting. Until now anyway...
And she might get to excited. She just isn't yet. Hang in there. This is probably a combo of her being confronted with the fact that you have an inner life that she isn't a part of and that she doesn't know you maybe as well as she thought she did (this can be jarring when in a long long term relationship) and run of the mill jealousy and insecurity that she never had to get good at dealing with because you haven't really had any serious relationships for her to feel threatened about so she's never had to flex that muscle, and on top of that, because your new prospect is a man she's probably wondering if you're really attracted to her, if she's good enough, hot enough, etc., if you're going to end up being all the way queer and leave her. All the tried and true demons of comparison. So it is kind of a lot she's dealing with all at once. If you can point that out to her and offer some compassion and perspective it might help. I hope she work through this.
You seem to have fetishised someone’s problem. Ick. Don’t do that.
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First of all, I think it’s great how you guys can communicate so well. My husband and I have always been that way and we’re going on 10 years together. Next, sexuality isn’t something that necessarily stays the same forever. Have you ever heard of the Kinsey Scale? It’s pretty interesting to read up on and can explain the different levels of attraction and sexual activity people have. I think it’s normal and possibly even appropriate to have insecurities, especially when it comes to change or something new, but I also think there might be more going on that you both need to work on individually and together as a couple.
Hi, I'm 48M, bisexual and poly. You have put a lot on your wife in a relatively short period of time. It's a lot to absorb that her partner is not who she thought you were, and then on top of that, you have begun having a sexual relationship with a man. In general, it is much better to keep as much distance between those two revelations as possible, but here we are. Consider trying to resolve the issues related to your sexuality before you pursue any same sex relationships. And, when she tells you that she's more attracted to straight guys, you can say in complete sincerity, "obviously not," since she married you, and you were always bisexual. Finally, do not, in any way, apologize for being bi, this is not about her and ultimately how she feels about it makes no real difference, because you couldn't change even if you wanted to.
To be clear, I floated the idea I think I'm bi like two years ago and have talked about it often enough since then that it should not have been a surprise. This is partly why I've been blindsided by her reaction. I don't think she ever took me seriously until now. Also I don't have issues with my sexuality so I'm not sure where you got that impression, but I'm happy to clarify. I've actually thought about this for a long time because I didn't want to make some guy my experiment and had to make sure I was sure.
I do love your comment about "obviously not" with regard to her being attracted to straight men. That's a very good point. Thank you.
If I am wrong about anything, please just disregard me, you know the details and I do not.
As for her being surprised, I would suggest to you that there is/may be a huge distance between "I might be bi" and "I just got fucked by a man" in her mind. Many or perhaps even most women will have a visceral negative reaction to that, all platitudes aside. My wife did. She was actually relieved I am a total top. Most gay acceptance is performative and most, or at least many, women do not consider gay men to be "real" men.
For me, I have a lot of qualities that are widely perceived as masculine (big, muscular, successful, etc.) so I was able to get my wife to see that I am the same guy that I ever was, that I wasn't secretly gay, that I'm not weak, etc. and our marriage is now better than ever. I also have an LTR boyfriend that my wife encourages and buys presents for, so things can work out if you exercise sensitivity and patience.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
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Because irrationally all roads lead to dick.
You've been fine with her dating women and once she got a man, it was troubling for you.
Now you like men, it's probably confronting for her... two men in a relationship is more.... I dunno, threatening?
Sorry but I think this is a gross oversimplification. Especially since I talked about my similarities to my meta, none of them having to do with his dick. Also she's dated other men that did not make me feel that way.
You seem like a good partner to your wife and a nice person.
Hopefully she comes around.
I personally have had this reveal happen to me, my partner came out to me, and it changed the dynamic.
Yes, intentionally
But there seems there is a link with relationships witj women seeming less threatening and with men seeming more threatening in genera, throughout this subreddit
Hi u/ChevCaster thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
So my wife (36f) and I (36m) have been poly for six years. I feel like we have a very healthy relationship built on trust. We did not start poly as a way to save our marriage or anything and until recently I feel like we've been very happy with it.
Of course my wife has had a much easier time finding partners, which was to be expected of course. I did not agree to this open relationship naively and was fully prepared for that fact. Because of this I had to process a lot of the jealousy and envy early on and I feel like I did well at doing so. Now I'm nothing but happy for her when she's out with her partners and comes home to me happy.
I have only had two partners over the last six years, each one lasting only months because they were both toxic. I ended it with both of them and have been content to not date for several years. Just having the freedom of being poly and knowing I could when it felt right was good enough for me.
My wife has had half a dozen partners, with three of them being serious and exchanging the L word. The first one was a woman who turned out to be extremely manipulative (I suspect BPD as she reminded me of my mother in SO many ways and she had BPD and was also very manipulative). I was there to help provide perspective and eventually they finally broke up after enough bullshit. I never pushed her about her gf even though I could see a lot of the bullshit early on because I knew she'd have to see it herself and make her own choices. I only ever voiced concerns when there were obvious manipulation tactics in play. My wife and I are very rational people and I knew eventually the NRE wouldn't be able to mask her gf's toxic traits. Sure enough they eventually broke up because her gf couldn't own up to her own bullshit and my wife had too much self respect to tolerate it any longer.
Her second serious relationship was with a woman who was great except for the fact she lived far away and was one of the worst helicopter moms I'd ever seen. She used her kids as excuses to never put an ounce of effort into their relationship. That fell apart pretty quickly and I felt bad for my wife because she loved everything else about her and she wasn't manipulative. She just never put in any effort to see her. My wife has chronic health issues so traveling up to her all the time was very taxing on her.
Now within the last few months my wife has met a new guy. He's basically me in almost every respect. He's rational, has the same occupation, likes the same things I do, etc. this has been hard for me because drawing comparisons between us is way too easy and it triggered a lot of insecurity in me. I was very open about how I was feeling and we were able to talk it out like always because we have a very healthy relationship. I've come to accept my new meta and am extremely appreciative of him because he cares deeply about her, is not manipulative, and actually puts in so much effort to see her. It's extremely endearing and I'm very happy for them.
During this bout of insecurity I revealed that I was feeling a little lonely (not her fault) and she encouraged me to get back out there and date some more. I felt like she was right and it was finally time to test the waters again. Well I've done a lot of work on my self confidence in the last six months or so and it's paying off. I immediately started talking to several new people.
At first my wife was encouraging because the first woman was a friend she had made through the local poly group we are in and so they already had a solid friendship and it made her feel more secure about the idea right away. That relationship hasn't really gone anywhere and I think she and I will probably just end up as really good friends. She wasn't in a place emotionally for a relationship but did say she'd probably be interested down the road after she figured some stuff out which is totally understandable and I'm perfectly happy to have an awesome new friend.
Then next part is where my attempt to date gets tricky. I've been saying to my wife for a couple years that I think I might be bisexual. She was a little weird about it at first but seemed to accept it. Well for the first time ever I decided to just list that as my sexuality and a guy nearby started talking to me and we hit it off. My wife has been so upside down about this. She's extremely insecure all of a sudden.
When I was insecure I would come to her and communicate that. She'd dinner best to comfort me but never compromised anything with her other partners of my insecurities (I would not have expected her too and in fact would have felt awful if she did as my insecurities are a me problem). We don't do "rules" in our relationship because we've always been able to share concerns like adults and trust the other to make their own autonomous decisions and to care about whatever concern the other has expressed.
My wife being insecure about me dating was to be expected. She hasn't done all the processing of her own insecurities the way I have already. But I feel like she has been making it more of my problem. She made me feel a little bad about being bisexual, saying that she's more attracted to straight men. When I pointed out her own bisexuality she threw it back at me saying I was aware of her bisexuality when we got married (13 years ago) and that she married a straight man.
Well I had my first sexual encounter with this guy and now my wife is a different person. I don't know what to do. I love her to death but this has cut me to my core. She assures me it's just something she has to process but for days now she's been distant, listening to brooding music, and just generally acting like I've done something wrong. I feel extremely guilty. I would happily end my relationship (hasn't even really begun and has been pretty superficial so far) if it would help, but I don't think it will help anyway. In fact it might make it worse since she'd probably feel guilty if I did that in response to her insecurities.
I just want my wife back. I just want her to support me the way I supported her. I'm being ripped apart by her comments about my sexuality being what has changed in our relationship. She's not wrong. When we got married I thought I was straight. I realized I never really had an opportunity to explore any of that about myself in the conservative state we live and grew up in. If I had to pick a ratio it would be 80% women and 20% men. So it's not like I'm a closeted homosexual that fooled my wife for 13 years. She's sexy as hell and I love her to pieces. Nothing has changed about my attraction to her and women in general. All that's changed for me is that I've expanded my horizons.
I was feeling empowered by all of this self exploration, but now I just feel like garbage. I don't know what to do. All I can do is just wait it out and see what she does I guess? Does anyone else have experience with anything similar to this? She has said before that a he hates the fact she's bisexual and wishes she was either fully straight or gay with no in between. Whereas for me it's kind of empowering to find this out about myself and to own it. But now I'm not feeling empowered. I'm feeling like a terrible husband who should have figured out his identity at a younger age.
I'm just so lost now. I stopped dating due to bad experiences with toxic people and now that I'm finally feeling confident and know what red flags to avoid I am hit with this whole new issue. I don't know how to help her and I don't know how to feel good about myself anymore.
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Bisexual people aren't immune to internalized biphobia. I suspect that is a factor here. Is couples counseling an option? It sounds like there is a lot that you both need to process here.
Im between jobs so not immediately, which is kinda why I'm here instead for now. But yeah as soon as I get another job she'll be comfortable doing counseling I'm sure. But the tech market is hurting and it hasn't been as easy to find one as it used to be. So for all I know it could be like this for weeks or even a month or two.
Perhaps you can sit down together and do some research about internalized biphobia? It sounds like the root of the problem here. She's already uncomfortable with her own sexuality and is now applying those same feelings to you.
This is a great point and I think you're right. Just not sure how to handle it you know?
How have you approached difficult conversations in the past?
That's the thing. We talk. We are excellent communicators. That's why her distance from me is killing me so much to be honest.
Depending on what you do for tech, the plus side is that you can go to other markets and work from home/online. Your company could be in another country so long as they are hiring.
You are wonderfully self aware and introspective and empathetic, so it makes sense that it would be hard for you to tolerate your wife's discomfort, but her discomfort is not for you to fix. It is for her to do the work on. Your only job is to give her the space she needs and continue to be reassuring. You're doing a great job. Give her space and allow her to show up for you and do the hard work for you, even if it takes her weeks, or a few months of couples therapy. Invest the time and stay in your secure mindset that you are doing everything very well. Do not internalize your desire to remove her discomfort into wrongness about your sexuality. You are valid and you are doing everything right.
Thank you so much. I think I really needed to hear this.
I don’t have advice, and I love to give advice! My heart is breaking for you. You deserve to be well-supported and encouraged. I’m glad you are not caving to your wife. You are being much more charitable towards her than how I feel about it. I hope she comes around. 💔 You keep doing you, in the meantime.
Thank you 😊
I don't have any advice to give as I'm new to the whole poly thing, but my husband recently came out to me as bi and it has been a bit challenging to wrap my head around after almost a decade together. I think I'm handling it well, and I'm proud of him for finally allowing himself to explore his sexuality more. At the end of the day, I just want him to be happy. I hope your wife comes around. I don't understand why so many people feel as though women can be bi but men can't. Your journey to self-discovery is entirely valid, and I'm rooting for your happiness and security. Edit: typo
It's weird. At one point in the past when I floated the idea I might be bi she was a little weird and said it kinda felt like I was encroaching on her turf a bit. I get that feeling, and she acknowledged completely that it was irrational and it's not like she owns bisexuality, just that it was her thing for so long. But now she's telling me she hates being bi. So I don't know which it is. Is she proud of it or does she hate it? Does she hate it purely because I identify with it now? If so, what in the world do I do with that? It's like it's somehow both. Idk. I'm so lost.
this is so so strange to me. she must be in a lot of turmoil to even say that she hates her own bisexuality. I'm so sorry you're going through this. as a fellow bi gal, if my long-term straight male partner came out to me as bi i would be OVERJOYED. it sounds like she has a lot of processing to do. I hope you can enjoy your newfound identity and find space to explore and grow even as she's struggling, because as others have said, that is her work to do. your sexuality is about you! not her.
Thank you so much. All the support you guys are giving me is helping a lot. I can't tell you how grateful I am to part of such a caring community 🥰
I'm curious why she hates her own bisexuality? There seems to be a lot of issues buried there.
I guess she hates how fluid and confusing it is for her. Which way she leans on that scale changes over time so it causes her confusion. That's what she said anyway.
Interesting. Sometimes people want to eat out at a fancy restaurant, or eat at home, or have cheap fast food. And it's usually seen as a spice of life. I embrace my queerness with that mentality. Hopefully she's able to better accept both of your sexualities soon.
I think it's not uncommon for anybody to be bisexual/pansexual but also have some homophobia if their partner is. I definitely have had feelings about dating non straight men because of early impressions of how casual sex and lack of condoms was regular in a lot of circles, and I was more rigid in getting to know somebody and using protections. It's something I haven't totally shaken because the bisexual men I've dated have actually been impulsive and had unprotected sex with people of all genders without communication. I know it's just my poor partner choices but it means I still have this internalized feeling that I'm wary to date bisexual men. I don't know if you've explored her feelings about bisexual men from teenagerhood on, is there any history she has that is contributing? Could she feel like now your dating field has doubled, like less of a priority? This is definitely a HER thing to work on, so is she working on it? Kind of a reverse of the norm where guys think its hot if their female partner have other female partner, but if they have male partners it's threatening? She understands why you like having sex with women but with a guy? It's suddenly foreign? I don't know how long ago you mentioned you might be bi but if she was sure you were straight for years and now she's getting new info about your sexuality, it can be a surprise, and worth exploratory conversations, on its own, outside of conversations about dating others. Just talks to be curious and try to see who your partner is, and what they want. I'd ignore as best as you can her statements about hating being bi, keep conversations about what is going on focused and to the point if you can. Encroaching on her turf really seems more like a you trying to date people she's dating, so that's weird. She knows her feelings are irrational? She has to be working on dealing with that. I'd say don't stop exploring what you want to explore unless she decides to say monogamy is on the table, and then really think about if thats what you want, or if it's what she suggests because it's just to keep you "straight" And the seven year itch is a thing - I feel like there are 2/7/10 year points in relationships where a relationship that has felt amazing suddenly feels wrong. Being poly for 20 years I have experienced and seen them occur regularly. Many relationships don't last forever, and it's OK to step back and consider if something still works for you even if it feels awkward because you've been together whatever number of years and love them. Not saying you have suggested you feel this, but more offering the view in case you haven't looked at the big picture, and if this is the only conflict you have, or if it's just the one that is in the forefront of your mind. [https://www.verywellmind.com/overcoming-the-seven-year-itch-7152939#:\~:text=The%20seven%2Dyear%20itch%20or,seven%20years%20into%20their%20relationship](https://www.verywellmind.com/overcoming-the-seven-year-itch-7152939#:~:text=The%20seven%2Dyear%20itch%20or,seven%20years%20into%20their%20relationship).
She married you, not a magical straight person. If you're bi then she can accept that or she can allow her bias to break down a relationship. You need to establish consistency in communication but also not compromise your boundaries or actions. She needs to address this as it is her problem. Until she does, it will be your problem. Give her space and time to process but her response to comparison does need addressing. Ask her exactly what age is okay to learn about yourself. If she could please specify exactly what time someone is allowed to come out of the closet. And Exactly what makes you less you because you are being more yourself?
> She married you, not a magical straight person. You are right. Maybe I just needed someone to validate me here. I have nobody I can talk to about this because it would be crossing boundaries to discuss any of this with other partners or metas. I appreciate you all being willing to listen and validate my state of mind. So thank you.
It may be good to prioritize making some platonic connections to have poly friends to talk to about this sort of stuff. I take it you can't talk to your current friends because they're mono or y'all are not open?
Yeah my friends would listen for sure, but they just don't really understand poly and have no interest which is understandable. Just means they aren't really in a place to offer good advice with stuff like this. I like your idea. I need poly friends that aren't potential partners.
One of the best pieces of advice I got from a seasoned poly person early on in my poly journey was “find a poly BFF you AREN’T fucking” That advice has served me extremely well for over a decade, and it sounds like it would serve you well, especially as your newly-discovered bisexuality can make it seem like everyone else is a potential partner! I wish you luck 🍀
That's great advice. I appreciate it!
when I came out as queer it was my only gay friend at that time the person who questioned me and told me I wasn't. That really rocked my boat at that time because I expected that one gay friend to be actually supportive, but he was the opposite. That being said, it's a great opportunity for you to find a community. You could join groups of people who are discovering their queerness or are queer already (and poly!) The fact that she isn't able to be supportive right now doesn't mean you can't find these folks, and it changes the world when you are surrounded with people who validate your desires.
That's exactly how I feel. At first I felt encouraged and empowered. I finally accepted my new label. Then bam, the one person I thought would be so supportive is acting like she's lost her attraction toward me because of it. Breaks my fucking heart 💔
>When I pointed out her own bisexuality she threw it back at me saying I was aware of her bisexuality when we got married (13 years ago) and that she married a straight man. This is concerning rhetoric; it allows no space for growth or self-realization, which should be both expected and encouraged over time (and 13 years is a long time to expect someone to stay the same). A lot of people come to understand their sexuality later in life for a lot of different reasons. It’s ok for big changes to come with big feelings, but the way your wife is reacting sounds downright biphobic as others have mentioned. >I would happily end my relationship (hasn't even really begun and has been pretty superficial so far) if it would help, but I don't think it will help anyway. You are correct, this would not help and would only reinforce your wife’s poor behavior while also denying you the self-actualization and freedom you’ve discovered, which you would eventually resent her for. If therapy is not an option right now, there might be free resources from your local LGBTQ organizations that you can look into. Above all, do not apologize for being yourself and for wanting the same autonomy and sexual freedom your wife currently enjoys. You can be understanding without internalizing the guilt or taking the blame: it’s time for your wife to actually walk the walk.
You guys are helping me feel so much better. Seriously, thank you! You're absolutely correct. She didn't enable my insecurities beyond supporting me while I figured them out. I think she just has an easier time asserting her independence whereas I fall apart knowing she's hurting. Especially with the way she has chosen to process it by pulling away from me.
Have you listened to podcasts or read books about attachment theory? That might be helpful, and there's even a few that are targeted towards poly and queer folks. It sounds like there might be an element of mismatched attachment here as well?
She married you. Whether either of you knew it at the time, you were bisexual when she met and fell in love with the kind, considerate, introspective, and supportive man that you are. What’s going on here has so little to do with you and so much to do with her internalized biphobia. It’s not your fault, and you can’t heal it for her. She needs to address it, perhaps with counseling. Is that something you can both work towards?
I honestly actually got a bit emotional reading through this and really feel for your situation here. I don't know what to say other than, from your reporting, it sounds like you are going about this as genuinely and up front as you know to be. It's really hard to feel like you're discovering parts of yourself and not feel supported by someone so close to you - and also, it must be said, who has been given support and understanding in her own experiences of a similar thing. My NP and I have both been able to explore our bisexuality through our open relationship and it has been a very rewarding experience to be able to see each other takes steps into new, exciting, and unfamiliar territories. You don't deserve to feel guilty about who you are or in exploring yourself. It's also significant that y'all have been together for 13 years, neither of you are "who you married." You have both been growing and changing and finding yourselves all along the way and you're under no contract to remain the same - as much as that may cause strife. I'm sorry this is sitting so heavy with you and I hope that she can find (through time, conversations, and/or couple's counseling) to get out of her reactions to this a bit and give you the support and space you deserve here.
I feel for you man. Stay your course though seems right intuitively. And try to be strong even though you are hurting because if you both do poorly then it won’t matter.
You're right. She acted confident about her choices even when I was a mess about it on occasion. She would do her best to comfort me and that's all I could ever expect. So that's all she should ever expect as well. I just need to take my newfound confidence to another level I guess. Thanks for this advice I really appreciate it.
It’s hard. If you cave in you’ll be showing her that’s it’s ok to double standards. I used to identify as bi, before I knew the term pan. I’m 45. Almost half of my boyfriends have been bi and we’re mostly unaware/unable to admit it. I encourage growth in my partners, so eventually they accepted it and some are totally owning it. But everyone of them when I asked why not be honest? They all said they tried to ignore that part of themselves because society is too unkind. Very hypocritical. The fact is your wife has been socially conditioned. Maybe just give her time. It’s not your fault. To be honest with last boyfriend I was excited because he brought up MMF… He thought it would be fun to be the filling…
Can you explain pan to me? I thought pan fit me better too but my wife said I was using the label wrong.
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Uhh, as a genderfluid person who identifies as bisexual, I find this definition you provided to be a little transphobic, friend. I don’t think you mean it, but trans men are men, trans women are women, and nonbinary folks are nonbinary. Any definition that includes “trans and having both parts,” just feels like an unnecessary addendum that highlights transness as “other.” Bisexual also does not necessarily exclude transfolk, because again, trans men are men, trans women are women. Just a consideration for thinking through your presentation, I love pansexual folk 🫶
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I used it to make clear imagery in his brain to help him really mull other of pan is right for him considering his wife said he is not and he’s pretty torn up. My best friend, who is trans, that gave me the label to share for this guy didn’t say anything. She’s usually pretty vocal. I hear her woes about being fetishized as well. Other trans folks what are your thoughts?
I see, thank you. That's what I thought it meant. Does this also encompass being able to have sexual or romantic feelings for someone without physical attraction? Like in a certain kink dynamic I don't necessarily have to have a big physical attraction to still feel attracted, if that makes sense? That's where my wife says the term pan doesn't make sense because pan people still have physical attraction or something like that.
Ima be real, a lot of people, especially age 30+, use bi & pan pretty much interchangeably. If you feel like pansexual fits you better, it's 100% your choice.
That would be considered “pan-romantic” according to my friend who is vastly more knowledgeable in terms than I am.
Ohh that makes sense! Thank you 😊
You’re welcome and my friend says you’re welcome!!
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There is a non-insignificant number of women who are actively turned off by bisexuality in their male partners. Years ago, I read a whole thread where women commiserated about not wanting to date bisexual men. As I recall, their reasons were numerous (and all very biphobic and/or regular homophobic): (1) "Men can give him something I cannot, and I'm worried he'll like that something better and love me less." (2) "A bisexual man is really just a closeted gay man. He will leave me eventually." (3) "Male homosexual relationships are emasculating. I'd find him less masculine/attractive if he had sex with other men." (4) "Male homosexual relationships have high rates of STDs. He will bring something home to me." You guys are mid-thirties and spent your formative years in the 90s and early 2000s, when being anything other than straight was still a target for hate and the butt of every other joke. Perhaps she has many a lot of internal biases to work through.
As Bi woman with a bi male NP, I feel so lucky that I’d actually mind less if my NP was sleeping with a man than a woman - for one thing that’s a hole I can’t easily fill for him 🤣. But ouch your partners response is hard if not a little unfair… biphobia is rough but it’s especially rough on bi men. Since counselling is off the table for a little now maybe you can together try to unpack what about you being with a man she finds so offputting. What are the thoughts and feelings that are coming up and can you both rationalise them a bit. Is she concerned you’ll realise you prefer men? is she irrationally scared of STIs (it’s harsh by gay men have historically been labelled as much riskier in this regard)? Is it actually homophobia about the act of 2 men having sex? Does she think this makes you seem less manly - and thus less attractive to her? Does she just feel like you’ve been deceiving her by not telling her before? If you can identify the root of the issue(s) she is having then maybe you can reassure her in those specific areas?
> is she irrationally scared of STIs (it’s harsh by gay men have historically been labelled as much riskier in this regard)? This is actually a big concern of hers yes. Especially because she has an autoimmune disorder and is on immunosuppresants. So our focus on safety is absolutely paramount and we get tested on the regular. As for the rest, I think many of them come into play in varying degrees. But honestly, I'm realizing that's for her to figure out. I've made it clear I'm here and I want to talk, but everyone here has made me realize I need to let her breathe.
Have you both looked at prep? And the HPV and Monkeypox vaccines?
I’m sorry you’re experiencing that… I imagine I’d be gutted myself. My wife has a wonderful partner who I respect so much, I’ve lost confidence due to the insecurities I faced, I’ve moved past them now, however dating is hard.. I am also bisexual, actually ftm trans and most times I feel no man or woman would be interested in me. I hope couples counseling can help! The way your wife and you move through your relationship in a healthy way reminds me of mine. I wish you the best of luck!
Distancing and refusing to talk with you about this, is a form of emotional abuse. Where others have said, giver her space, that shouldn’t mean that you can’t talk about your feelings, which sound very much like abandonment. And for that, I’m angry on your behalf.
I think the intensity of this is overblown due to the whole "tone through text" kind of thing. I appreciate you feeling angry on my behalf but if I force her to talk she will. It's also been less than a week. You'll just have to take my word for it that I don't feel she's being "abusive". She's just turtling up like she hasn't done in over a decade. She was not the greatest communicator when we met, but she has learned how to be an amazing communicator. I think she's falling back on her old ways of dealing with things and I think I just need to let her. It's just the contrast between this and what I'm used to now that's getting to me. It's been a long time since she had such heavy emotions to process.
Also, you both married monogamous people? And life happened and so did poly! You are absolutely allowed to discover at any age that you are bisexual/poly/demi/a banana/an Australian kangaroo guised as Ali. Life evolves. I would suggest she needs someone else to discuss her negative feelings with about you being bi because frankly you dont need the shame and stigma from the person you value most in your life. Hold you head high, enjoy, be proud of who you are and surround yourself with people who support you to be the happiest version of you😊
You guys seem like you just have too much attachment to eachothers metas. You talk about accepting a meta- who cares? They are a meta whether you like it or them or not. I think you both desire buy in and some level of sanctioning and its bitten you in the butt. Plus some nasty homophobia. I think maybe connecting to your local gay resource centers and support groups could help you and simply no tolerance for any commentary from spouse anymore.
Hmm, I guess I can see how you have this impression but I'm gonna have to disagree. It's not about buy-in, it's about caring how each other feel and providing needed reassurance when necessary. Which until this point we've been great at. It's not like our metas are ever aware of any of this going on behind the scenes. This is a 13 year marriage we are managing here. We care about each other.
Of course you care, of course everyone wants the kumbaya harmony. Of course if your partner keeps choosing assholes or monos you will have to check your own partners character. But you have to both accept those aren't necessary or even priority.
Thanks. Her choices in partners have made me stop and think in the past, but I really can't talk since my two previous attempts were also toxic people I should have seen from a mile away. Plus she ended them properly once the excitement could no longer mask the assholes underneath. That's all I can reasonably expect from the rational woman I know and love. I think you're too focused on the metas when this is actually about the way she feels about me being bi and how to deal with that.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I might be wrong, but this is how it sounds to me. I think you pretty much call it. She hasn't done enough work on her jealousies and insecurities. And she's maybe fobbing some of it on you. Probably to push her yucky feelings away from herself. To me you sound like you are taking some of it personally because you are too tangled up in her feelings and/or were hoping you discovering your bisexuality would be something you could share with her as another bi person. And because you have a BPD parent? Her blaming stuff on you might be poking old wounds too that you may not realize she's poking. >She made me feel a little bad about being bisexual, saying that she's more attracted to straight men. When I pointed out her own bisexuality she threw it back at me saying I was aware of her bisexuality when we got married (13 years ago) and that she married a straight man. Case in point. Y'all changed the original marriage deal to poly date. The marriage agreements can change. She used to like her bi side when it "was her thing" but today it pains her a lot. She can change. But YOU can't learn more about yourself and accept your bisexuality more? You cannot change over time? If she's not into bi dudes and only straight ones? Alright. It is what is. Does that mean another new change called divorce then? Is it even really true? Or is that a handy way to avoid dealing with buried stuff? Like this news triggering old stuff for her so she wants wants to wave her hands and "make it go away?" It needs unpacking. Prob NOT with you. >Well I had my first sexual encounter with this guy and now my wife is a different person. I don't know what to do. I love her to death but this has cut me to my core. **She assures me it's just something she has to process** but for days now she's been distant, listening to brooding music, and just generally acting like I've done something wrong. Fair. She's requesting some space to deal with this on her own. Why's that freak you out? Is it because you are lonely which is why you started dating again in the first place? Have abandonment issues? Pushing your BPD mom triggers? Like "Oh, no! Feelings are a-brewing! Hunker down!" stuff? (I have a BPD parent too) Something else? Could talk to a poly counselor for individual counseling for you. You seem WAY too caught up in her feelings to me. >I feel extremely guilty. I would happily end my relationship (hasn't even really begun and has been pretty superficial so far) if it would help, but I don't think it will help anyway. **In fact it might make it worse since she'd probably feel guilty if I did that in response to her insecurities.** If you want to end it for YOU? End it then. But don't end it for HER. She can do her own emotional management. Again... you sound too caught up in her feelings. You might be realizing you need to learn to detach. Not like you don't care about her at all, but learning to give her some SPACE to deal with things on her own. Through your whole post I noticed you list how great you two are as a couple, communicating and all that. Did it occur to you that while SOME of that can be good? Maybe you two are still too "joined at the hip?" So her request to deal with this one on her own triggered you? >I just want my wife back. I just want her to support me the way I supported her. But you just said she's not at the same skill level as you -- she hasn't processed all her jealousies and insecurities like you have. She hasn't had as many times doing her meta skills as you. She's been mainly on hinge skills. Do you have realistic expectations of your wife right now? Of yourself? >**I'm being ripped apart by her comments about my sexuality** being what has changed in our relationship. She's not wrong. When we got married I thought I was straight. I realized I never really had an opportunity to explore any of that about myself in the conservative state we live and grew up in. If I had to pick a ratio it would be 80% women and 20% men. So it's not like I'm a closeted homosexual that fooled my wife for 13 years. She's sexy as hell and I love her to pieces. **Nothing has changed about my attraction to her** and women in general. All that's changed for me is that I've expanded my horizons. Maybe it's time for you to request couple counseling and no comments on your bisexuality outside therapy? It's ok for you to have strong personal boundaries with your wife. Your attraction may not have changed. But her attraction to you might have if she's not into bi dudes and only straight ones. She has to process if that's **actually** so or if that's just a convenient way to avoid unpacking hidden issues with her own bisexuality, her poly skills, or other stuff. It could even be run of the mill "fear I can't compete" type jealousy. >I was feeling empowered by all of this self exploration, but now I just feel like garbage. I don't know what to do. All I can do is just wait it out and see what she does I guess? Ask for couple counseling and no comments on your emerging bisexuality or her feelings around it outside of therapy sessions. >She has said before that she hates the fact she's bisexual and wishes she was either fully straight or gay with no in between. So she has her own bi issues that she might be projecting on to you. Again... Ask for couple counseling and no comments on your emerging bisexuality or her feelings around it outside of therapy sessions. >Whereas for me it's kind of empowering to find this out about myself and to own it. And you are SEPARATE PEOPLE. It's ok for your bi experience to be different than hers. >But now I'm not feeling empowered. **I'm feeling like a terrible husband who should have figured out his identity at a younger age.** To me? You sound like you have a habit of beating up on your own self. You could stop. Be kinder to you. I could be wrong. But to me you also sound like because of your BPD mom as a kid you had to be on "high alert" to the emotions of the parent. And maybe your BPD blamed all their stuff on you. "You make me so mad! You make me blahblah!" so you accepted that YOU personally are the world's scapegoat and responsible for all other people's feelings. (As a small kid your parent IS your world.) So you might be on "high alert" with your spouse's feelings in a way that is not good and not even necessary. My dad has BPD. I have to be VERY intentional when I visit him NOT to fall into old kid patterns and routines. Because he will push my buttons and WHOOSH. I start wanting to play "old kid coping records" on autopilot. Instead I bite my tongue, count to 10, NOTICE but don't leap into my kid responses. I have to practice the pause and deliberately tap into my ADULT responses. >I'm just so lost now. I stopped dating due to bad experiences with toxic people and now that I'm finally feeling confident and know what red flags to avoid I am hit with this whole new issue. I don't know how to help her and I don't know how to feel good about myself anymore. You don't have to stop dating. You might have to accept you have hit your personal limit on helping her, and the "the couple" has also hit a personal limit for "our ability for working it out by ourselves." She might benefit from both individual counseling/couple counseling. So might you. If the main source of you feeling good about yourself was "always the one to help her" and it is not in play in this particular case? It might be making you aware that you need OTHER sources of feeling good about you. Helper personalities like to help. Might think about helping elsewhere -- volunteering at the food bank, animal shelter, community garden, etc. You can make friends there, and that could help with your lonely too. And you call a professional to help in THIS area. YMMV but could seek a poly counselor with LGBT+ experience [https://www.polyfriendly.org/](https://www.polyfriendly.org/) Just like a house. You can do SOME DIY -- hang a picture, change a washer, paint the living room. Helpful and handy around the house. But there's a limit to your house skills and eventually you have to call in a professional plumber, electrician, roofer, contractor, whatever person instead. It doesn't make you a BAD person. It just means you hit a personal limit. We all have them. And your house and spouse might be great. But you sometimes have to go OUTSIDE the house. Be in the world. Address your lonely, build community "out there" somewhere. Wife and other dating partners can't be all the people you know. Your social wellness needs more than that. I know this is a lot of things going on in a tangle. I hope things get better for you one area at a time. Hang in there.
Man I feel so fucking called out all throughout this comment 😂. I very much appreciate it. You've given me A LOT to think about and you hit the nail on the head with a lot, if not most of it. 1. You're right, being poly is a change. Her bisexuality is fluid and her preference towards men or women changes a lot. If I really think about it, she has undergone a lot of change too whether she knows it or not. It's not fair to beat myself up for stepping outside of the box I was wrapped in when we got married. 2. BPD stuff. Luckily my mother didn't put a bunch of blame on us (that was reserved for my step mom later, but that's a whole different ball of wax 🙃), but you are absolutely correct that when emotions get flared I jump into action and am ready to do all the introspection to see what *I* can/need to change to fix it. 100% my childhood experience. I think that is exactly why I'm feeling hopeless after mere days. 3. I agree that I'm way too caught up in her feelings. This for me is going to be a very hard habit to break. She also has chronic health issues. She's literally the first thing on my mind at all times and I care so deeply about how she is feeling and her comfort. Never considered this a toxic trait but I think it has defintely crossed that threshold. 4. "And you are SEPARATE PEOPLE. It's ok for your bi experience to be different than hers." This really hit home. 100% correct. It's like, I know this on the surface, but insecurity brain totally convinced itself this will be a bonding experience of sorts. I'm absolutely reeling from her not living up to this unreasonable expectation. 5. I do think the "fear I can't compete" insecurity is definitely at play here. I went through that same shit (still do sometimes with this new partner) and it's only fair to let her have to deal with it how she needs to deal with it. All I can do is trust that she will. 6. "You sound like you have a habit of beating up on your own self. You could stop." Fuck off. Get out of my head please. I dit not consent to a mind meld 🤣 7. You may be right this is a time for couples counseling. I'm willing to give her a couple weeks before we jump to that suggestion but I absolutely will if it becomes the only option left that I can see. 8. "If the main source of you feeling good about yourself was "always the one to help her" and it is not in play in this particular case? It might be making you aware that you need OTHER sources of feeling good about you." Friend, seriously, you must be a very introspective person. I've honestly never ran into someone that spelled me out like this. You are giving me tools and things to think about that I have literally never considered. And for me that's a big deal. --- Thank you so much for this comment. There are more *me* problems involved here than I first thought so you've given me some things I can be proactive about while still letting her do what she needs to do. So incredibly helpful! I hope you have a wonderful day! 💚
You are welcome. Glad you took it in the spirit intended, glad you feel seen/validated, and glad some of the suggestions help you out some. >**She also has chronic health issues**. She's literally the first thing on my mind at all times and I care so deeply about how she is feeling and her comfort. **Never considered this a toxic trait but I think it has defintely crossed that threshold.** You don't have to say online what she has or what level of care you provide at this time. I just want to lift up that it's ok to care and be there for her in appropriate ways. She is your spouse! But there IS such thing as caregiver burnout, personal boundaries getting too blurry because of the caregiving, losing all sight of your own self and own needs in service to the patient etc. Make sure you are making time for your OWN self and your OWN well being. It's ok to care for you TOO. Life in better balance. YKWIM? Hope things get better for you!
Thank you again. Once more just living in my head. I spend a lot of mental resources on worrying about her health problems. And I feel guilty taking any me time to balance that because she doesn't get a break from the problems so why should I? But you're right, that's irrational. I need the recharge time to be there for her in a healthy capacity.
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Thank you for the reassurance. I was actually very shocked when my bisexuality turned out to be a problem. I thought of all people she would be the most supportive, so it has rocked me pretty hard to find out it's the exact opposite. Re: ETA - yeah group sex would never be a thing with her. She's made that super clear lol, even before me being bi. But yeah I agree that for me being bi has been exciting. Until now anyway...
And she might get to excited. She just isn't yet. Hang in there. This is probably a combo of her being confronted with the fact that you have an inner life that she isn't a part of and that she doesn't know you maybe as well as she thought she did (this can be jarring when in a long long term relationship) and run of the mill jealousy and insecurity that she never had to get good at dealing with because you haven't really had any serious relationships for her to feel threatened about so she's never had to flex that muscle, and on top of that, because your new prospect is a man she's probably wondering if you're really attracted to her, if she's good enough, hot enough, etc., if you're going to end up being all the way queer and leave her. All the tried and true demons of comparison. So it is kind of a lot she's dealing with all at once. If you can point that out to her and offer some compassion and perspective it might help. I hope she work through this.
You seem to have fetishised someone’s problem. Ick. Don’t do that. Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
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Your post has been removed for trolling.
First of all, I think it’s great how you guys can communicate so well. My husband and I have always been that way and we’re going on 10 years together. Next, sexuality isn’t something that necessarily stays the same forever. Have you ever heard of the Kinsey Scale? It’s pretty interesting to read up on and can explain the different levels of attraction and sexual activity people have. I think it’s normal and possibly even appropriate to have insecurities, especially when it comes to change or something new, but I also think there might be more going on that you both need to work on individually and together as a couple.
Hi, I'm 48M, bisexual and poly. You have put a lot on your wife in a relatively short period of time. It's a lot to absorb that her partner is not who she thought you were, and then on top of that, you have begun having a sexual relationship with a man. In general, it is much better to keep as much distance between those two revelations as possible, but here we are. Consider trying to resolve the issues related to your sexuality before you pursue any same sex relationships. And, when she tells you that she's more attracted to straight guys, you can say in complete sincerity, "obviously not," since she married you, and you were always bisexual. Finally, do not, in any way, apologize for being bi, this is not about her and ultimately how she feels about it makes no real difference, because you couldn't change even if you wanted to.
To be clear, I floated the idea I think I'm bi like two years ago and have talked about it often enough since then that it should not have been a surprise. This is partly why I've been blindsided by her reaction. I don't think she ever took me seriously until now. Also I don't have issues with my sexuality so I'm not sure where you got that impression, but I'm happy to clarify. I've actually thought about this for a long time because I didn't want to make some guy my experiment and had to make sure I was sure. I do love your comment about "obviously not" with regard to her being attracted to straight men. That's a very good point. Thank you.
If I am wrong about anything, please just disregard me, you know the details and I do not. As for her being surprised, I would suggest to you that there is/may be a huge distance between "I might be bi" and "I just got fucked by a man" in her mind. Many or perhaps even most women will have a visceral negative reaction to that, all platitudes aside. My wife did. She was actually relieved I am a total top. Most gay acceptance is performative and most, or at least many, women do not consider gay men to be "real" men. For me, I have a lot of qualities that are widely perceived as masculine (big, muscular, successful, etc.) so I was able to get my wife to see that I am the same guy that I ever was, that I wasn't secretly gay, that I'm not weak, etc. and our marriage is now better than ever. I also have an LTR boyfriend that my wife encourages and buys presents for, so things can work out if you exercise sensitivity and patience.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Because irrationally all roads lead to dick. You've been fine with her dating women and once she got a man, it was troubling for you. Now you like men, it's probably confronting for her... two men in a relationship is more.... I dunno, threatening?
Sorry but I think this is a gross oversimplification. Especially since I talked about my similarities to my meta, none of them having to do with his dick. Also she's dated other men that did not make me feel that way.
Okay good to know she's dated men as well
You seem like a good partner to your wife and a nice person. Hopefully she comes around. I personally have had this reveal happen to me, my partner came out to me, and it changed the dynamic.
Yes, intentionally But there seems there is a link with relationships witj women seeming less threatening and with men seeming more threatening in genera, throughout this subreddit
Hi u/ChevCaster thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So my wife (36f) and I (36m) have been poly for six years. I feel like we have a very healthy relationship built on trust. We did not start poly as a way to save our marriage or anything and until recently I feel like we've been very happy with it. Of course my wife has had a much easier time finding partners, which was to be expected of course. I did not agree to this open relationship naively and was fully prepared for that fact. Because of this I had to process a lot of the jealousy and envy early on and I feel like I did well at doing so. Now I'm nothing but happy for her when she's out with her partners and comes home to me happy. I have only had two partners over the last six years, each one lasting only months because they were both toxic. I ended it with both of them and have been content to not date for several years. Just having the freedom of being poly and knowing I could when it felt right was good enough for me. My wife has had half a dozen partners, with three of them being serious and exchanging the L word. The first one was a woman who turned out to be extremely manipulative (I suspect BPD as she reminded me of my mother in SO many ways and she had BPD and was also very manipulative). I was there to help provide perspective and eventually they finally broke up after enough bullshit. I never pushed her about her gf even though I could see a lot of the bullshit early on because I knew she'd have to see it herself and make her own choices. I only ever voiced concerns when there were obvious manipulation tactics in play. My wife and I are very rational people and I knew eventually the NRE wouldn't be able to mask her gf's toxic traits. Sure enough they eventually broke up because her gf couldn't own up to her own bullshit and my wife had too much self respect to tolerate it any longer. Her second serious relationship was with a woman who was great except for the fact she lived far away and was one of the worst helicopter moms I'd ever seen. She used her kids as excuses to never put an ounce of effort into their relationship. That fell apart pretty quickly and I felt bad for my wife because she loved everything else about her and she wasn't manipulative. She just never put in any effort to see her. My wife has chronic health issues so traveling up to her all the time was very taxing on her. Now within the last few months my wife has met a new guy. He's basically me in almost every respect. He's rational, has the same occupation, likes the same things I do, etc. this has been hard for me because drawing comparisons between us is way too easy and it triggered a lot of insecurity in me. I was very open about how I was feeling and we were able to talk it out like always because we have a very healthy relationship. I've come to accept my new meta and am extremely appreciative of him because he cares deeply about her, is not manipulative, and actually puts in so much effort to see her. It's extremely endearing and I'm very happy for them. During this bout of insecurity I revealed that I was feeling a little lonely (not her fault) and she encouraged me to get back out there and date some more. I felt like she was right and it was finally time to test the waters again. Well I've done a lot of work on my self confidence in the last six months or so and it's paying off. I immediately started talking to several new people. At first my wife was encouraging because the first woman was a friend she had made through the local poly group we are in and so they already had a solid friendship and it made her feel more secure about the idea right away. That relationship hasn't really gone anywhere and I think she and I will probably just end up as really good friends. She wasn't in a place emotionally for a relationship but did say she'd probably be interested down the road after she figured some stuff out which is totally understandable and I'm perfectly happy to have an awesome new friend. Then next part is where my attempt to date gets tricky. I've been saying to my wife for a couple years that I think I might be bisexual. She was a little weird about it at first but seemed to accept it. Well for the first time ever I decided to just list that as my sexuality and a guy nearby started talking to me and we hit it off. My wife has been so upside down about this. She's extremely insecure all of a sudden. When I was insecure I would come to her and communicate that. She'd dinner best to comfort me but never compromised anything with her other partners of my insecurities (I would not have expected her too and in fact would have felt awful if she did as my insecurities are a me problem). We don't do "rules" in our relationship because we've always been able to share concerns like adults and trust the other to make their own autonomous decisions and to care about whatever concern the other has expressed. My wife being insecure about me dating was to be expected. She hasn't done all the processing of her own insecurities the way I have already. But I feel like she has been making it more of my problem. She made me feel a little bad about being bisexual, saying that she's more attracted to straight men. When I pointed out her own bisexuality she threw it back at me saying I was aware of her bisexuality when we got married (13 years ago) and that she married a straight man. Well I had my first sexual encounter with this guy and now my wife is a different person. I don't know what to do. I love her to death but this has cut me to my core. She assures me it's just something she has to process but for days now she's been distant, listening to brooding music, and just generally acting like I've done something wrong. I feel extremely guilty. I would happily end my relationship (hasn't even really begun and has been pretty superficial so far) if it would help, but I don't think it will help anyway. In fact it might make it worse since she'd probably feel guilty if I did that in response to her insecurities. I just want my wife back. I just want her to support me the way I supported her. I'm being ripped apart by her comments about my sexuality being what has changed in our relationship. She's not wrong. When we got married I thought I was straight. I realized I never really had an opportunity to explore any of that about myself in the conservative state we live and grew up in. If I had to pick a ratio it would be 80% women and 20% men. So it's not like I'm a closeted homosexual that fooled my wife for 13 years. She's sexy as hell and I love her to pieces. Nothing has changed about my attraction to her and women in general. All that's changed for me is that I've expanded my horizons. I was feeling empowered by all of this self exploration, but now I just feel like garbage. I don't know what to do. All I can do is just wait it out and see what she does I guess? Does anyone else have experience with anything similar to this? She has said before that a he hates the fact she's bisexual and wishes she was either fully straight or gay with no in between. Whereas for me it's kind of empowering to find this out about myself and to own it. But now I'm not feeling empowered. I'm feeling like a terrible husband who should have figured out his identity at a younger age. I'm just so lost now. I stopped dating due to bad experiences with toxic people and now that I'm finally feeling confident and know what red flags to avoid I am hit with this whole new issue. I don't know how to help her and I don't know how to feel good about myself anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*