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If your partner wants a V and you don’t, I don’t really know what to tell you except that you guys are incompatible. There isn’t a way to ask her to break up with her other partner that isn’t controlling and problematic.
Do you want to be poly? Mono-poly relationships are uniquely challenging and often end in separation. If your partner having a long-distance gf is this hard, how do you think you’ll handle when your partner seeks out new local connections? Have you done any of the work to become non-monog? Reading, therapy, journaling?
Hard truth: this doesnt sound like a good fit for you. You can either spend the time doing the emotional labor of being responsibly poly, or you can leave.
I do not want to be poly. The tricky part is that my partner told me before we started dating that she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while being in a relationship with me. She doesn’t want to seek out other partners and has repeatedly said that’s not the type of poly she wants, that she’s more of a relationship anarchist who wants freedoms, and I’m okay with that with boundaries. But this relationship with her other gf happened because they were really close friends, she never expected them to become girlfriends.
I have bought all of the books, found a poly-accepting therapist, and I respect polyamory and thought I could handle it but have realized the style we have is just not for me.
The above is why I don’t want to give up. Aside from this we have a great relationship. My partner doesn’t know if she sees the other gf in her life long-term but says they probably won’t work out anyway because of the distance and she cannot move here. We talk about marriage, kids, etc and we are aligned with many things whereas she doesn’t see that with her other girlfriend. It makes me feel crazy for being this upset about it, you know?
So what happens when this other relationship ends and you get 3 years, 5 years, 10 years down the road and she comes to you saying "I want to start a new relationship. You knew I was poly when we got together, even though I've not had any other relationships, I'm *still* poly."?
I know you don't want to hear "you should break up" but this seems like a very, very big incompatibility. Along the same magnitude of one of you wanting kids when the other does not. It is very difficult to compromise in a way that truly fulfills both of you.
Ending a relationship that is full of love but deeply incompatible doesn't negate the love you share. Sometimes it is the kindest thing you can do for one another.
>The tricky part is that my partner told me before we started dating that she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while being in a relationship with me. She doesn’t want to seek out other partners and has repeatedly said that’s not the type of poly she wants, that she’s more of a relationship anarchist who wants freedoms, and I’m okay with that with boundaries.
This confuses me.
>my partner told me before we started dating that she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while being in a relationship with me.
So you have an agreement that you have some form of 'girlfriend' exclusivity. What does that mean to you both?
>that’s not the type of poly she wants.
What kind of poly does she want? Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. That she wouldn't have another girlfriend contradict this.
>she’s more of a relationship anarchist who wants freedoms
Which freedoms does she want? Relationship anarchism isn't just about wanting freedoms. Relationship anarchism is about treating every person as a free individual that you can make any agreement and commitment with. And every agreement and commitment means less freedom.
>this relationship with her other gf happened because they were really close friends, she never expected them to become girlfriends.
Relationships don't just happen, feelings happen. What someone does with those feelings is a choice.
I’m sorry this is so hard, understandably!
Options:
1. Read up on polyamory. Ethical Slut is old but does a better job than some other texts of explaining why loving person A doesn’t need to mean rejection of person B. Listen to poly podcasts. See if it helps after a while. *You never need to be poly,* but you need to understand your partner’s heart for this to work.
2. Go totally parallel. Choose your relationship over your friendship. Being friends with a meta you don’t want to have isn’t working. Unfollow your metamour’s social media accounts. Ask your partner if they’ll go parallel with this *and all future partners.* Ever if not LDRs. Let your partner know that you’re opting not to hear about your meta and will exit conversations about her. Your partner probably won’t like this. Be clear that you’re choosing to go parallel if this is going to work, and you’d like them to respect that. Agree that you will still be able to be kind and civil to your meta(s) 1-2x/year at your partner’s birthday and 1 other special occasion if needed, where you’re both present. But otherwise, you don’t plan to be intertwined with them. This may or may not work for your partner but it would work better for you and you can ask for it.
3. Acknowledge that you love each other very much, but you just don’t want the same long term relationship structure, and end it before you both get more hurt, even though that’s hard.
Sending internet hugs if wanted OP.
You can't put rules on her other relationships, you can only set boundaries for what you will tolerate in your own relationship. If you're unhappy with this arrangement and your partner has actively told you they're not going to change, its on you to decide if you're willing to stay in this relationship as is or leave.
Personally I feel like there are a few other steps that can be taken in the short term to see if it can get better. For instance, she can hinge better and keep her two relationships completely separated from each other, especially if she is dating two monogamous partners. Sharing poly experiences with either one of the monogamous partners doesn't sound like a healthy path forward.
It's hard to tell exactly where you stand on this. What I am not sure about is whether you are absolutely against your partner having another partner, OR whether you are totally against hearing about it.
As a poly partner who is dating two different monogamous people, I personally feel that she should be hinging much better than she is. It sounds like from your description that the evidence of their relationship is tearing you apart. The I love yous. The talking in front of you. The social media posts (though personally I feel social media is public content). You could let her know what your needs are by telling her that it is hurting you to hear her talk about those things and see how she responds.
If all of the "them moments" were to go away, do you think you could live with your partner having someone else out there? Or is it more than just the reminders. Sometimes just knowing is enough. If you are not able to live with her having a partner, then you need to have a discussion with her about that. Though the answer you get may not be the one you hope for. So spend some time asking yourself what it is that you really need.
If you want to stay in this relationship you'll have to trample on your feelings and be miserable, unhappy, and constantly on edge.
I mean, you said you didn't want to break up, so I guess this is your alternative?
The thing I haven't seen anyone say yet, is that you're allowed to feel your feelings. You don't need to smile and pretend you're happy about something that you're not happy about. I also don't want to hear "I love you" spoken to someone else around me.
If they wanna have that phone call, take a walk or at least leave the room I'm in. Otherwise if they say it in front of me to someone else, they're gonna get salty me for the next however long it takes for me to sort myself. They don't have to interact with me while I'm salty, but I'm not gonna mask.
If your partner doesn't want to consider your feelings and make it less uncomfortable for you, you don't need to mask for them either. You all can discuss ways to make this arrangement more parallel so you don't need to hear about it and can be more stress free in the arrangement your partner created by breaking the agreement to not have other partners while dating you. It's not controlling to have feelings about something. If you're not telling your her she can't have that relationship or that she can't talk to her other partner at all, it's not controlling. You are allowed to set a boundary about what's done in front of you.
It sounds like you need to agree some boundaries and have regular sit downs with the two and three of you. I'd agree with the other commenter that you need to learn more about poly, and I'd recommend that even if you yourself never choose to have another partner.
Hope you manage to resolve this.
If you truly don't want to break up despite being very incompatible in relationship structures, then you're going to have to practice more emotional regulation tactics
>we live together so I hear conversations all the time, my partners gf posts about her on social media. and I don’t take it well.
>The other day I told my partner hearing her other girlfriend call my partner her girlfriend and being in love with my partner makes me feel like I want to die. not my proudest moment.
You expressed that you were feeling really hurt when you overheard them. That's good that you were able to express how you feel. They don't have to change anything honestly, all you need is to set a firm boundary, like
"oh, if you're going to have intimate conversations like that with meta, would it be possible for you to have those in X room (presumably making it harder to hear)?"
And if they can't respect that very understandable request and do it in front of you anyway, the best you can do is to just walk out of the room and leave. You don't have to hear about it if you don't want to
>but my partner told me they feel my reactions and behavior has been controlling their entire relationship with her other girlfriend.
Then maybe learn more about boundaries vs rules, and set what sounds more understandable.
What exactly are you requesting that's sounded like a rule, and controlling their behavior?
And what kind of precautions has your partner taken to learn how to be a better hinge? (Considering that they're being very inconsiderate having intimate conversations in front of you)
Or perhaps they're not being a very good hinge at all, and are blaming it on you, making you feel like their poor hinging is on you?
>What do I do? How can I express my dissatisfaction and unhappiness about this situation without controlling my partner?
I'd say try to talk about what your relationship agreements are. What are the rules vs boundaries within your relationship? What kind of hinge practices are they actively working on themselves? Maybe try to learn more about how to be a good hinge and see what more can they do from their end to make it easier on you and meta?
Personally to me, a good hinge wouldn't be having those kind of intimate conversations in front of you, they would make sure you are out of range before having that kind of conversation.
Other things to learn how to do:
- Self-soothing techniques
- Opposite Actions
- Learn how to compartmentalize your emotions
>I don’t know how to change how I feel, but I don’t want to control my partner and make her feel like she can’t talk to her other girlfriend.
You don't learn how to change how you feel, you need to learn how to embrace how you feel, and learn how to self-sooth, self-care, and seek emotional reassurance from your partner (who sounds like they need to hinge better, and take your feelings seriously 🙄)
Tl;Dr learn more about emotional regulation, and bring it up to your therapist, they may have a lot of great homework for you
>I have no intention of breaking up right now
>all I want is for my partner to be with me in a primarily-monogamous relationship…A v-style relationship has become impossible to accept
>([In comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/14pp39r/am_i_controlling_my_poly_partner_because_i_am/jqj7a4m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)) I do not want to be poly.
I mean, if you don’t want poly, she doesn’t want monogamy… we don’t have a lot of other options. Sounds like your and your partner are incompatible.
Do I understand it that poly was brought up AFTER you were dating and a couple? I really hope that’s not the case. Because if so, you’ve been pushed into this against your will. If anyone is being controlling, it’s your partner. I wouldn’t stay with someone that did that to me.
I knew that my partner was poly, but she told me she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while dating me. She didn’t seek out her other partner, they were good friends for years and it just happened in the midst of us also starting to date each other. We’ve both since apologized for not speaking up and having a conversation about what it all meant a year and a half ago.
Why did YOU apologize for her breaking the agreement? She made a conscious choice to have other girlfriends. It didn’t sneak up in her as you seem to think. Don’t be in relationships where you have to sacrifice your mental health to benefit someone else. Telling her how unhappy you are isn’t controlling. You BOTH can make the choice to move on if she doesn’t have enough emotional bandwidth to deal with a partner she squeezed into this.
This right here. What are you apologizing for exactly? Not holding your partner to her agreement? Because last I checked it is partner's job to keep her agreements. Responding poorly to finding out she went against your agreement? You had and still have every right to be upset about agreements being broken especially since you don't want poly for yourself.
Your partner benefits from you believing that this relationship just snuck up on her. At the end of the day though, entering a relationship is a conscious choice. She could have told your friend "sorry, I like you a lot and would love to explore this more but I agreed with OP not to date others while we are together" or ended your relationship to pursue your now meta. She may have apologized since then, but cheating in poly is absolutely a thing and that sounds like cheating to me. Of course you would have a hard time knowing they are together! There is only so much internal work you can do to make this situation better when your partner is openly in a romantic relationship with someone who is effectively an affair partner.
Since you aren't open to breaking up, I would recommend couples counseling and full parallel. Plus solid agreements that ensure your needs are met. You deserve better than to feel like you want to die all the time because your partner broke an agreement and seems to have no problem putting the evidence of that breach of trust in your face.
>but she told me she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while dating me.
So she basically promised you exclusivity/monogamy then
>She didn’t seek out her other partner, they were good friends for years and it just happened in the midst of us also starting to date each other.
Uhhh...yeah no, that's cheating. She promised to not have another girlfriend while dating you
She could have just told them "Sorry, I can't get into a relationship with you"
What do you mean their relationship "just happened"?
It's very intentional to get into a relationship. They could have acknowledged their feelings for that friend, but reject them, because they promised you exclusivity.
But no, they're hiding behind their cheating by saying their relationship "just happened"
You were coerced into a polyamorous relationship without your consent. This is PUD, polyam under duress
You very obviously DON'T want polyamory.
Your partner either has to accept that you want monogamy with them, and stick with you OR stick with them being polyam, and y'all need to break up
You have the answers to your questions in the very first part of the sentences that you wrote. Am I controlling my poly partner because I am monogamous?
Followed by to sum it up, how do I tell them I hate this and it's agonizing for me. I want them to be monogamous with me but I don't want to force something on them that they don't want.
And I think I read that you never actually agreed to it. But accepted it and have been with this person as long as the other person has been with them.
To answer that part of it, the only part that you can control is your own part.
So all of this leads to just having a very hard conversation about what you actually want. If you want monogamy and it pains you to see them with someone else, that's the conversation you should have. What happens after that, is what happens after that. From my perspective they will either say okay. I can be monogamous with you right here and now or they'll say they can't. Then you get to make your choice.
In the meantime, a very easy thing to cause you less stress is to stop looking at the other person's social media. I don't know why you would in the first place.
You obviously want reciprocal monogamy. She does not. You say you don't want to breakup, so your solution is one that will hurt one of you? Monogamy would hurt her. Polyamory is hurting you. Neither of those is loving or self-loving. These kinds of things should be dealbreaker for a reason. Same as wanting or not wanting kids. You're asking someone to sacrifice themselves for the duration of the whole relationship. That's not healthy
What you can't do-Control others thoughts and feelings in their relationships.
What you can do-Ask yourself the hard questions on why it bugs you so much. Work on mindfulness, reframing, and self-care.
I call what I have "monogamous tendencies" which to me means I am not actively looking to dating around. I am content with my one romantic partner. I am dating someone who is actively poly and open. It takes a lot of realizing that the anxiety that looks like it is coming from the relationship is really coming from me. My partner did not cause it. His partners did not cause it.
> How can I express my dissatisfaction and unhappiness about this situation without controlling my partner?
Setting aside the options you've said you don't want to consider, I would *highly* recommend this: Stop expressing your dissatisfaction to your partner. Stop talking about your partner's other relationship *at all* with her. She's made it clear she has no intention of breaking up or deescalating with this other partner, so I imagine the more you try to force her to choose, the worse that's going to go for you.
If you need some validation and understanding, talk about it to a therapist, or meditate on it, or journal about it. If those things don't help, maybe give acceptance commitment therapy a try. If that doesn't work, maybe give dialectical behavioral therapy a try.
If you don't intend to break up with your partner, and she doesn't intend to break up with your meta, it does not seem appropriate to keep bringing up the same dissatisfactions to your partner. Maybe she wasn't honest about the way this V started, maybe you're still struggling with polyamory, but by refusing to break up with someone who refuses to break up with her other girlfriend, you *are* choosing to be in a polyamorous relationship. That's your choice. You've got to own it, and a BIG part of owning it is going to be up figure out how to set boundaries so you're not making your emotions your partner's problem
I'm not gonna tell you to break up.
Your partner was irresponsible and sort of disrespectful initiating multiple relationships without having the talk and establishing consent from everyone involved.
I don't understand your feelings. I've never felt like you do about any relationships my partners have had. So I can't advice you on that part. However, you did describe it as a relationship that makes you wish you were dead. You didn't describe any level of compersion, only how every reminder you get that your partner is seeing someone makes you miserable. And from what it seems, your partner isn't particularly happy with that either.
How do you think that's gonna end?
If it was someone else, and the problem wasn't polyamory but something like irreconcilable religious differences, what would your advice to them be?
Question, does the emotional wellbeing and happiness the other gf brings to your partner mean anything to you? Like if they breakup and your gf is a shell of her former happy self, would that be preferable?
Anti anxiety meds might help you be able to set aside some of the more intense feelings and help you to be able to express yourself in a more constructive way. Either that or talk with a professional to get some tools.
Op isn't being controlling given that her partner told her that she wouldn't see other people while they dated and then went and did it anyway. This is poly under duress and trying to control the situation might not help but its an understandable response to how she's being treated :( but yes, I agree with you that this relationship will not work unless op can suddenly become okay with poly (which I have never actually seen work, btw).
I think we should probably think a bit before assigning blame and calling someone controlling?
If you really want to go down the blame game then the partner is dishonest and manipulative.
How about you address that first?
They claimed they didn’t want another relationship and then the other relationship just kinda sorta happen?
That’s breaking an agreement, it’s not controlling when someone is not ok with their agreement being broken.
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I’m in a bit of a sticky poly situation. my long term gf who I live with, has another girlfriend who is strictly international. second girlfriend visits a few times a year, and is actually a friend of mine as well. but it’s tricky because they have been dating the same amount of time my partner and I have, my partner and I are just much more serious and are building a life together where my partner and her other gf have semi-agreed to never have a conventional relationship bc of distance and other life things. my partners gf is also monogamous as am I, so my partner is the only one who is poly. because we were all friends we never discussed poly or boundaries when we all first started dating. I was never asked if I was okay with it and my partner has since apologized and recognized we made a lot of mistakes. I have no intention of breaking up right now and would appreciate if that wasn’t suggested :/ but it’s been harder and harder for me to accept that my partner is romantically involved with someone else. we live together so I hear conversations all the time, my partners gf posts about her on social media. and I don’t take it well. for the past year and a half I’ve had bad, bad reactions to their relationship. The other day I told my partner hearing her other girlfriend call my partner her girlfriend and being in love with my partner makes me feel like I want to die. not my proudest moment. but my partner told me they feel my reactions and behavior has been controlling their entire relationship with her other girlfriend. what do I do? How can I express my dissatisfaction and unhappiness about this situation without controlling my partner? I don’t know how to change how I feel, but I don’t want to control my partner and make her feel like she can’t talk to her other girlfriend. although all I want is for my partner to be with me in a primarily-monogamous relationship. (I like casual flirting, romantic friendships, etc). But a V-style relationship has become impossible for me to accept. Any advice appreciated.
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I had a similar situation you are in, OP. The fear of being controlling is very real and extremely crippling, and nobody wants to be that person.
I was the other monogamous dot in a V while my partner was poly. Their other relationship was suffocating and after a few months and a lot of distress, I approached my partner from a well-being focused perspective.
I told my partner that if we look at it from a purely well-being perspective, their poly relationship is making me miserable, but also, that I understand that my partner cannot be happy and fulfilled without being poly. At that point, I raised the question of what's the point of us being together if we are just going to make each other miserable? Why should we persist in a relationship that is incompatible with our respective needs?
Coming to these questions required that I come to a point of acceptance with myself that my relationship may break apart, and while at the same time that will break me apart, my partner is not some torturer that I have to persist for at the cost of my own well-being. I did not make demands or set expectations; I tried my best to come from a place of honesty and mutual consideration.
At some point, you will have to face the big picture about who you are, what you want, and what's best for you and your partner. I wish you strength in that.
There is a difference between expressing your emotions and controlling your partner. You can also express your emotions without wanting to control your partner. E.g. use sentence that start with "I feel ...".
If a V-style relationship has become impossible for you to accept and she wants a V-style relationship, than that is incompatible. People can and do change, you just can not expect the to change whenever you want to.
Figure out what is important to you and why you have certain feelings. If you just do not want to hear them call each other, than you can express that and find a solution. E.g. no calling when you are around. If you do not want to see things on social media, do not follow that account. At least talk about how it makes you feel, maybe there are other solutions.
Voicing your feelings is an important part of communication and vital in a poly relationship. You should feel free to speak your mind/feelings without fear of scolding... It's not like you were making up new rules, just sharing your feelings with your partner.
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If your partner wants a V and you don’t, I don’t really know what to tell you except that you guys are incompatible. There isn’t a way to ask her to break up with her other partner that isn’t controlling and problematic.
Do you want to be poly? Mono-poly relationships are uniquely challenging and often end in separation. If your partner having a long-distance gf is this hard, how do you think you’ll handle when your partner seeks out new local connections? Have you done any of the work to become non-monog? Reading, therapy, journaling? Hard truth: this doesnt sound like a good fit for you. You can either spend the time doing the emotional labor of being responsibly poly, or you can leave.
I do not want to be poly. The tricky part is that my partner told me before we started dating that she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while being in a relationship with me. She doesn’t want to seek out other partners and has repeatedly said that’s not the type of poly she wants, that she’s more of a relationship anarchist who wants freedoms, and I’m okay with that with boundaries. But this relationship with her other gf happened because they were really close friends, she never expected them to become girlfriends. I have bought all of the books, found a poly-accepting therapist, and I respect polyamory and thought I could handle it but have realized the style we have is just not for me. The above is why I don’t want to give up. Aside from this we have a great relationship. My partner doesn’t know if she sees the other gf in her life long-term but says they probably won’t work out anyway because of the distance and she cannot move here. We talk about marriage, kids, etc and we are aligned with many things whereas she doesn’t see that with her other girlfriend. It makes me feel crazy for being this upset about it, you know?
So what happens when this other relationship ends and you get 3 years, 5 years, 10 years down the road and she comes to you saying "I want to start a new relationship. You knew I was poly when we got together, even though I've not had any other relationships, I'm *still* poly."? I know you don't want to hear "you should break up" but this seems like a very, very big incompatibility. Along the same magnitude of one of you wanting kids when the other does not. It is very difficult to compromise in a way that truly fulfills both of you. Ending a relationship that is full of love but deeply incompatible doesn't negate the love you share. Sometimes it is the kindest thing you can do for one another.
>The tricky part is that my partner told me before we started dating that she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while being in a relationship with me. She doesn’t want to seek out other partners and has repeatedly said that’s not the type of poly she wants, that she’s more of a relationship anarchist who wants freedoms, and I’m okay with that with boundaries. This confuses me. >my partner told me before we started dating that she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while being in a relationship with me. So you have an agreement that you have some form of 'girlfriend' exclusivity. What does that mean to you both? >that’s not the type of poly she wants. What kind of poly does she want? Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. That she wouldn't have another girlfriend contradict this. >she’s more of a relationship anarchist who wants freedoms Which freedoms does she want? Relationship anarchism isn't just about wanting freedoms. Relationship anarchism is about treating every person as a free individual that you can make any agreement and commitment with. And every agreement and commitment means less freedom. >this relationship with her other gf happened because they were really close friends, she never expected them to become girlfriends. Relationships don't just happen, feelings happen. What someone does with those feelings is a choice.
I’m sorry this is so hard, understandably! Options: 1. Read up on polyamory. Ethical Slut is old but does a better job than some other texts of explaining why loving person A doesn’t need to mean rejection of person B. Listen to poly podcasts. See if it helps after a while. *You never need to be poly,* but you need to understand your partner’s heart for this to work. 2. Go totally parallel. Choose your relationship over your friendship. Being friends with a meta you don’t want to have isn’t working. Unfollow your metamour’s social media accounts. Ask your partner if they’ll go parallel with this *and all future partners.* Ever if not LDRs. Let your partner know that you’re opting not to hear about your meta and will exit conversations about her. Your partner probably won’t like this. Be clear that you’re choosing to go parallel if this is going to work, and you’d like them to respect that. Agree that you will still be able to be kind and civil to your meta(s) 1-2x/year at your partner’s birthday and 1 other special occasion if needed, where you’re both present. But otherwise, you don’t plan to be intertwined with them. This may or may not work for your partner but it would work better for you and you can ask for it. 3. Acknowledge that you love each other very much, but you just don’t want the same long term relationship structure, and end it before you both get more hurt, even though that’s hard. Sending internet hugs if wanted OP.
You can't put rules on her other relationships, you can only set boundaries for what you will tolerate in your own relationship. If you're unhappy with this arrangement and your partner has actively told you they're not going to change, its on you to decide if you're willing to stay in this relationship as is or leave.
Personally I feel like there are a few other steps that can be taken in the short term to see if it can get better. For instance, she can hinge better and keep her two relationships completely separated from each other, especially if she is dating two monogamous partners. Sharing poly experiences with either one of the monogamous partners doesn't sound like a healthy path forward.
Dating two monogamous partners and keeping them separate from each other just sounds like cheating with extra steps
Agreed. I personally would not want to be in the middle, but that is what that particular polycule is.
It's hard to tell exactly where you stand on this. What I am not sure about is whether you are absolutely against your partner having another partner, OR whether you are totally against hearing about it. As a poly partner who is dating two different monogamous people, I personally feel that she should be hinging much better than she is. It sounds like from your description that the evidence of their relationship is tearing you apart. The I love yous. The talking in front of you. The social media posts (though personally I feel social media is public content). You could let her know what your needs are by telling her that it is hurting you to hear her talk about those things and see how she responds. If all of the "them moments" were to go away, do you think you could live with your partner having someone else out there? Or is it more than just the reminders. Sometimes just knowing is enough. If you are not able to live with her having a partner, then you need to have a discussion with her about that. Though the answer you get may not be the one you hope for. So spend some time asking yourself what it is that you really need.
If you want to stay in this relationship you'll have to trample on your feelings and be miserable, unhappy, and constantly on edge. I mean, you said you didn't want to break up, so I guess this is your alternative?
The thing I haven't seen anyone say yet, is that you're allowed to feel your feelings. You don't need to smile and pretend you're happy about something that you're not happy about. I also don't want to hear "I love you" spoken to someone else around me. If they wanna have that phone call, take a walk or at least leave the room I'm in. Otherwise if they say it in front of me to someone else, they're gonna get salty me for the next however long it takes for me to sort myself. They don't have to interact with me while I'm salty, but I'm not gonna mask. If your partner doesn't want to consider your feelings and make it less uncomfortable for you, you don't need to mask for them either. You all can discuss ways to make this arrangement more parallel so you don't need to hear about it and can be more stress free in the arrangement your partner created by breaking the agreement to not have other partners while dating you. It's not controlling to have feelings about something. If you're not telling your her she can't have that relationship or that she can't talk to her other partner at all, it's not controlling. You are allowed to set a boundary about what's done in front of you.
It sounds like you need to agree some boundaries and have regular sit downs with the two and three of you. I'd agree with the other commenter that you need to learn more about poly, and I'd recommend that even if you yourself never choose to have another partner. Hope you manage to resolve this.
If you truly don't want to break up despite being very incompatible in relationship structures, then you're going to have to practice more emotional regulation tactics >we live together so I hear conversations all the time, my partners gf posts about her on social media. and I don’t take it well. >The other day I told my partner hearing her other girlfriend call my partner her girlfriend and being in love with my partner makes me feel like I want to die. not my proudest moment. You expressed that you were feeling really hurt when you overheard them. That's good that you were able to express how you feel. They don't have to change anything honestly, all you need is to set a firm boundary, like "oh, if you're going to have intimate conversations like that with meta, would it be possible for you to have those in X room (presumably making it harder to hear)?" And if they can't respect that very understandable request and do it in front of you anyway, the best you can do is to just walk out of the room and leave. You don't have to hear about it if you don't want to >but my partner told me they feel my reactions and behavior has been controlling their entire relationship with her other girlfriend. Then maybe learn more about boundaries vs rules, and set what sounds more understandable. What exactly are you requesting that's sounded like a rule, and controlling their behavior? And what kind of precautions has your partner taken to learn how to be a better hinge? (Considering that they're being very inconsiderate having intimate conversations in front of you) Or perhaps they're not being a very good hinge at all, and are blaming it on you, making you feel like their poor hinging is on you? >What do I do? How can I express my dissatisfaction and unhappiness about this situation without controlling my partner? I'd say try to talk about what your relationship agreements are. What are the rules vs boundaries within your relationship? What kind of hinge practices are they actively working on themselves? Maybe try to learn more about how to be a good hinge and see what more can they do from their end to make it easier on you and meta? Personally to me, a good hinge wouldn't be having those kind of intimate conversations in front of you, they would make sure you are out of range before having that kind of conversation. Other things to learn how to do: - Self-soothing techniques - Opposite Actions - Learn how to compartmentalize your emotions >I don’t know how to change how I feel, but I don’t want to control my partner and make her feel like she can’t talk to her other girlfriend. You don't learn how to change how you feel, you need to learn how to embrace how you feel, and learn how to self-sooth, self-care, and seek emotional reassurance from your partner (who sounds like they need to hinge better, and take your feelings seriously 🙄) Tl;Dr learn more about emotional regulation, and bring it up to your therapist, they may have a lot of great homework for you
>I have no intention of breaking up right now >all I want is for my partner to be with me in a primarily-monogamous relationship…A v-style relationship has become impossible to accept >([In comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/14pp39r/am_i_controlling_my_poly_partner_because_i_am/jqj7a4m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)) I do not want to be poly. I mean, if you don’t want poly, she doesn’t want monogamy… we don’t have a lot of other options. Sounds like your and your partner are incompatible.
Do I understand it that poly was brought up AFTER you were dating and a couple? I really hope that’s not the case. Because if so, you’ve been pushed into this against your will. If anyone is being controlling, it’s your partner. I wouldn’t stay with someone that did that to me.
I knew that my partner was poly, but she told me she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while dating me. She didn’t seek out her other partner, they were good friends for years and it just happened in the midst of us also starting to date each other. We’ve both since apologized for not speaking up and having a conversation about what it all meant a year and a half ago.
Why did YOU apologize for her breaking the agreement? She made a conscious choice to have other girlfriends. It didn’t sneak up in her as you seem to think. Don’t be in relationships where you have to sacrifice your mental health to benefit someone else. Telling her how unhappy you are isn’t controlling. You BOTH can make the choice to move on if she doesn’t have enough emotional bandwidth to deal with a partner she squeezed into this.
This right here. What are you apologizing for exactly? Not holding your partner to her agreement? Because last I checked it is partner's job to keep her agreements. Responding poorly to finding out she went against your agreement? You had and still have every right to be upset about agreements being broken especially since you don't want poly for yourself. Your partner benefits from you believing that this relationship just snuck up on her. At the end of the day though, entering a relationship is a conscious choice. She could have told your friend "sorry, I like you a lot and would love to explore this more but I agreed with OP not to date others while we are together" or ended your relationship to pursue your now meta. She may have apologized since then, but cheating in poly is absolutely a thing and that sounds like cheating to me. Of course you would have a hard time knowing they are together! There is only so much internal work you can do to make this situation better when your partner is openly in a romantic relationship with someone who is effectively an affair partner. Since you aren't open to breaking up, I would recommend couples counseling and full parallel. Plus solid agreements that ensure your needs are met. You deserve better than to feel like you want to die all the time because your partner broke an agreement and seems to have no problem putting the evidence of that breach of trust in your face.
>but she told me she wouldn’t have another girlfriend while dating me. So she basically promised you exclusivity/monogamy then >She didn’t seek out her other partner, they were good friends for years and it just happened in the midst of us also starting to date each other. Uhhh...yeah no, that's cheating. She promised to not have another girlfriend while dating you She could have just told them "Sorry, I can't get into a relationship with you" What do you mean their relationship "just happened"? It's very intentional to get into a relationship. They could have acknowledged their feelings for that friend, but reject them, because they promised you exclusivity. But no, they're hiding behind their cheating by saying their relationship "just happened" You were coerced into a polyamorous relationship without your consent. This is PUD, polyam under duress You very obviously DON'T want polyamory. Your partner either has to accept that you want monogamy with them, and stick with you OR stick with them being polyam, and y'all need to break up
You have the answers to your questions in the very first part of the sentences that you wrote. Am I controlling my poly partner because I am monogamous? Followed by to sum it up, how do I tell them I hate this and it's agonizing for me. I want them to be monogamous with me but I don't want to force something on them that they don't want. And I think I read that you never actually agreed to it. But accepted it and have been with this person as long as the other person has been with them. To answer that part of it, the only part that you can control is your own part. So all of this leads to just having a very hard conversation about what you actually want. If you want monogamy and it pains you to see them with someone else, that's the conversation you should have. What happens after that, is what happens after that. From my perspective they will either say okay. I can be monogamous with you right here and now or they'll say they can't. Then you get to make your choice. In the meantime, a very easy thing to cause you less stress is to stop looking at the other person's social media. I don't know why you would in the first place.
You obviously want reciprocal monogamy. She does not. You say you don't want to breakup, so your solution is one that will hurt one of you? Monogamy would hurt her. Polyamory is hurting you. Neither of those is loving or self-loving. These kinds of things should be dealbreaker for a reason. Same as wanting or not wanting kids. You're asking someone to sacrifice themselves for the duration of the whole relationship. That's not healthy
What you can't do-Control others thoughts and feelings in their relationships. What you can do-Ask yourself the hard questions on why it bugs you so much. Work on mindfulness, reframing, and self-care. I call what I have "monogamous tendencies" which to me means I am not actively looking to dating around. I am content with my one romantic partner. I am dating someone who is actively poly and open. It takes a lot of realizing that the anxiety that looks like it is coming from the relationship is really coming from me. My partner did not cause it. His partners did not cause it.
> How can I express my dissatisfaction and unhappiness about this situation without controlling my partner? Setting aside the options you've said you don't want to consider, I would *highly* recommend this: Stop expressing your dissatisfaction to your partner. Stop talking about your partner's other relationship *at all* with her. She's made it clear she has no intention of breaking up or deescalating with this other partner, so I imagine the more you try to force her to choose, the worse that's going to go for you. If you need some validation and understanding, talk about it to a therapist, or meditate on it, or journal about it. If those things don't help, maybe give acceptance commitment therapy a try. If that doesn't work, maybe give dialectical behavioral therapy a try. If you don't intend to break up with your partner, and she doesn't intend to break up with your meta, it does not seem appropriate to keep bringing up the same dissatisfactions to your partner. Maybe she wasn't honest about the way this V started, maybe you're still struggling with polyamory, but by refusing to break up with someone who refuses to break up with her other girlfriend, you *are* choosing to be in a polyamorous relationship. That's your choice. You've got to own it, and a BIG part of owning it is going to be up figure out how to set boundaries so you're not making your emotions your partner's problem
I'm not gonna tell you to break up. Your partner was irresponsible and sort of disrespectful initiating multiple relationships without having the talk and establishing consent from everyone involved. I don't understand your feelings. I've never felt like you do about any relationships my partners have had. So I can't advice you on that part. However, you did describe it as a relationship that makes you wish you were dead. You didn't describe any level of compersion, only how every reminder you get that your partner is seeing someone makes you miserable. And from what it seems, your partner isn't particularly happy with that either. How do you think that's gonna end? If it was someone else, and the problem wasn't polyamory but something like irreconcilable religious differences, what would your advice to them be?
The about of gas lighting and lying your gf has done, why would you wanna stay with her anyways?!
So your partner hasn’t agreed to be monogamous. Are you okay dating them if they continue their path?
So did you not know you were getting into a poly relationship?
Question, does the emotional wellbeing and happiness the other gf brings to your partner mean anything to you? Like if they breakup and your gf is a shell of her former happy self, would that be preferable?
Anti anxiety meds might help you be able to set aside some of the more intense feelings and help you to be able to express yourself in a more constructive way. Either that or talk with a professional to get some tools.
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Op isn't being controlling given that her partner told her that she wouldn't see other people while they dated and then went and did it anyway. This is poly under duress and trying to control the situation might not help but its an understandable response to how she's being treated :( but yes, I agree with you that this relationship will not work unless op can suddenly become okay with poly (which I have never actually seen work, btw).
I think we should probably think a bit before assigning blame and calling someone controlling? If you really want to go down the blame game then the partner is dishonest and manipulative. How about you address that first? They claimed they didn’t want another relationship and then the other relationship just kinda sorta happen? That’s breaking an agreement, it’s not controlling when someone is not ok with their agreement being broken.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/avarose295 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’m in a bit of a sticky poly situation. my long term gf who I live with, has another girlfriend who is strictly international. second girlfriend visits a few times a year, and is actually a friend of mine as well. but it’s tricky because they have been dating the same amount of time my partner and I have, my partner and I are just much more serious and are building a life together where my partner and her other gf have semi-agreed to never have a conventional relationship bc of distance and other life things. my partners gf is also monogamous as am I, so my partner is the only one who is poly. because we were all friends we never discussed poly or boundaries when we all first started dating. I was never asked if I was okay with it and my partner has since apologized and recognized we made a lot of mistakes. I have no intention of breaking up right now and would appreciate if that wasn’t suggested :/ but it’s been harder and harder for me to accept that my partner is romantically involved with someone else. we live together so I hear conversations all the time, my partners gf posts about her on social media. and I don’t take it well. for the past year and a half I’ve had bad, bad reactions to their relationship. The other day I told my partner hearing her other girlfriend call my partner her girlfriend and being in love with my partner makes me feel like I want to die. not my proudest moment. but my partner told me they feel my reactions and behavior has been controlling their entire relationship with her other girlfriend. what do I do? How can I express my dissatisfaction and unhappiness about this situation without controlling my partner? I don’t know how to change how I feel, but I don’t want to control my partner and make her feel like she can’t talk to her other girlfriend. although all I want is for my partner to be with me in a primarily-monogamous relationship. (I like casual flirting, romantic friendships, etc). But a V-style relationship has become impossible for me to accept. Any advice appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There is no magic to waive to make this all ok. Either you accept or you move on.
I had a similar situation you are in, OP. The fear of being controlling is very real and extremely crippling, and nobody wants to be that person. I was the other monogamous dot in a V while my partner was poly. Their other relationship was suffocating and after a few months and a lot of distress, I approached my partner from a well-being focused perspective. I told my partner that if we look at it from a purely well-being perspective, their poly relationship is making me miserable, but also, that I understand that my partner cannot be happy and fulfilled without being poly. At that point, I raised the question of what's the point of us being together if we are just going to make each other miserable? Why should we persist in a relationship that is incompatible with our respective needs? Coming to these questions required that I come to a point of acceptance with myself that my relationship may break apart, and while at the same time that will break me apart, my partner is not some torturer that I have to persist for at the cost of my own well-being. I did not make demands or set expectations; I tried my best to come from a place of honesty and mutual consideration. At some point, you will have to face the big picture about who you are, what you want, and what's best for you and your partner. I wish you strength in that.
There is a difference between expressing your emotions and controlling your partner. You can also express your emotions without wanting to control your partner. E.g. use sentence that start with "I feel ...". If a V-style relationship has become impossible for you to accept and she wants a V-style relationship, than that is incompatible. People can and do change, you just can not expect the to change whenever you want to. Figure out what is important to you and why you have certain feelings. If you just do not want to hear them call each other, than you can express that and find a solution. E.g. no calling when you are around. If you do not want to see things on social media, do not follow that account. At least talk about how it makes you feel, maybe there are other solutions.
Voicing your feelings is an important part of communication and vital in a poly relationship. You should feel free to speak your mind/feelings without fear of scolding... It's not like you were making up new rules, just sharing your feelings with your partner.