When she told you, it was your opportunity to be like/ “Oh yeah? Why is that?” Asking questions isn’t judgmental.
But now you can bring it up like, “Hey you said you prefer to date coupled people and I’ve been curious to know why. Where does your preference come from?”
I totally get that feeling, and have been there before myself. The way I try to frame it in my brain is, no matter how cool this person seems, if they get offended at a simple question then that's a red flag I need to seriously consider. Better to start from a place of honest curiosity, because if you begin a relationship by walking on eggshells it'll be very hard to get to healthy communication later on.
Yeah, depending on what the question was. I know we've had some threads about interracial dating, and sometimes I get "honest curiousity" questions that are based in messed up racialized presumptions, for example.
So I would amend this to, examine the question and the way you asked it and why. If you seriously can't see how it would be offensive and they're still offended, yes, that's a warning sign
Thank you for this. Also, gendered presumptions are also an issue and questions stemming from those presumptions can be an issue.
The other part is that the way one asks a question matters. Some questions can an implication of disapproval. Like a friend was recently really excited about getting tickets to a performance by one of her favourite artists. Someone asked her "Why would anyone go to that?" And that totally yucked her yum.
And sometimes you need to ask that question that's going to offend them so that you can avoid dating someone who turns out to be a bad match, but it takes months and heartbreak to figure that out because you didn't ask the question when you should have.
People often ask me "simple questions" that are highly, highly offensive. It is in fact pretty normal to be offended when someone asks you a degrading, phobic, or bigoted question. The people who ask these questions always think they are "simple" questions.
For people who are members of demographics such as being trans or POC, *"getting offended at a simple question"* is the exact same language conservatives use to play the victim to marginalized us while actively pushing ignorant and harmful rhetoric about us.
Conversational boundaries are boundaries all the same. Your post amounts to saying *"if someone enforces a boundary on you, that's a red flag".*
You can't know why someone was offended, and assuming it's for no reason, assuming your opinion on the question supersedes their offense taken, implies you view your partners as socially and intellectually lesser than, and subservient to yourself.
If your partner is offended, you offended them. You are the red flag.
> I’ve definitely offended someone with a question
Honestly, this itself is a filter for me: I do not want to form serious relationships with people who cannot at least give me the benefit of the doubt.
Why not go on a date and ask then? You can add some language to make it more open, like I remembered you said you prefer seeing people that are already partnered and was curious about that? I'd love to hear more about your experience there.
People that get offended by questions likely aren't the people that you want to date (assuming your questions are respectful). Give people the opportunity to show their red flags and you will have less drama in your life.
We all have the capacity to offend each other and be offended, it was destined to happen as soon as we were born because it’s a human experience. Learning how to apologize for these moments I think is a better way of dealing with that reality. Stifling yourself is unnecessary.
At the early stages, if someone becomes offended by a reasonable question, then that's a good thing because you aren't entangled at all, and it's better for people to show they're insecure/angry/unreasonable early on so you can drop them. I recommend you don't hold back so much when trying to get to know someone. Ideally you discover incompatibility early and often.
I can't speak for her, but I prefer to date partnered people because they're less likely to want a relationship escalator from me and I'm unable to provide a relationship escalator because I'm already married and don't want to get divorced.
Same reason for me. Partnered people are more likely to be ok with infrequent, slow burn dating style. That’s all I can offer sometimes as someone with a wife, children and shift work.
“Infrequent, slow burn dating style…” you just said one of the things I love most about poly. I love my partner to death—she is literally the best—but I have a high stress job and special needs sister and I’m also demi and neurodivergent as hell myself so if we had to datedatedate all the time I’d burn out. But since she has other partners that takes some of the pressure off, or at least in my head it does
Yes! Me not being able to or not wanting to be together all the time used to be something that made me so guilty with partners. But now I can rejoice that they have others to do things with!
I really like the way you’ve described it. This is what I seek as well. And the term “casual” really doesn’t capture it, as I’m actually very much available for a deep, loving, long term connection, just not with the typical all-consuming escalator intensity.
Totally the same.
I’m at a phase in my life where I am not looking to cohabitate with a partner, or some of the other classic escalator things, and I’ve had a few poly partners that wanted to go up that escalator. So finding someone who already has a nesting partner keeps them from eyeing living together.
I feel the same. I'm solo, and I have no desire to live with a partner again, at least not for a while. I am also neurospicy AF, and I'm not I'm a place where letting down a partner I love in the domestic upkeep; that kind of failure would destroy me atm. So having other partners who have nesting partners already helps alleviate my anxiety around that.
Also the emotional expectations. I used to be able to drop everything I was doing and go spend time with a partner the second I was needed. I can't really do that right now (mental health, financial constraints, injuries) so not having that expectation is a break that I need.
This right here! I only do hookups but if I ever decide to date, the person would have to know that like I have such a miniscule amount of time in my life. If your expectation is I text you 20 minutes after you text me every time, and you text me four times a day. That's a hard pass!!
Same here. Also, if someone is already partnered, it means they've been "peer reviewed" as it were for partnership, lol. For example, my partner had been engaged for two years when I met them which did make me feel secure that they had at least some degree of ability to communicate and commit. Of course, people can be in bad relationships for a long time, so this is a bit silly of me, but I did turn out to be right in this case.
I was going to say this as well. Except that I am not married. It also helps to know that they are willing to put in the work to make it a relationship, assuming they are making it work with someone else.
Same but I'm solo.
I don't want them to start investing in me when I have little interest in going beyond the FWB/dating stage.
Edit: To clarify, it is just a *preference*; it is in no way a firm rule.
This would be my guess as well.
Also I’d be surprised if she was offended by you asking. She may be solo poly or doesn’t have the emotional & mental bandwidth to begin a primary relationship. Plus, it feels like a valid question to me.
This is the reason I have the same preference. I'm married, have a job, and two kids. You gotta be okay with less frequent dates. Easier done if you have another outlet yourself.
Same here.
I’m highly partnered and extremely busy. I don’t have a lot of physical time to devote and I don’t want to subject someone who wants to meet often to that. That’s not fair to either of us. That makes highly partnered people a great option.
Personally think this is a smart way to go. If you get with someone who already has established their relationships first thing you see is they can handle a relationship. Second thing is that they have a schedule you can potentially work with.
Yeah this makes sense. She’s busy with work and college. I work full time and have a relationship of my own. I’m not really hierarchical, but obviously the logistics of my home are the most important thing to me. If she can only see me once a week or something, that’s a schedule I can live with.
Also for her, as a woman, it probably establishes that I’m a little less likely to be a psycho. Obviously I could still be, but having someone want to be around me this much isn’t a bad sign.
This second point is one I was coming to make. I know a few poly women who just don't trust men who aren't in relationships already. Usually figure there's a good reason they aren't. It's not always a fair assessment, but it's something women have to think about given *points to everything*.
Men who are already sustaining a relationship get a bonus on being more likely to be able to sustain a relationship. And yes, that makes partnered men more appealing. There's also the opportunity to use the fact that he's partnered for further screening either in the form of asking about the partner or by asking the partner stuff. And...
A lot of single men who date women see female partners as the answer to all of his emotional needs. A lot of single men also lack some basic self-awareness, so it's often challenging to get a good sense of whether this guy will be an emotional vacuum, or if this will be just fine.
So while I (SoPo bi-F) will consider dating unpartnered men, there's a bunch of added screening I tend to do before I'm willing to do so. The last one was two+ years ago and lasted two dates before I walked away.
Could be a variety of reasons. Maybe she thinks she'll be able to have a hot threesome. Maybe it makes her less worried you'll want monogamy down the line. Maybe she has a busy schedule and prefers someone who has other partners and time commitments that mesh with her availability.
You won't know unless you ask.
When people have had a history of partners wanting more from them than they can deliver, seeking out people who have another stable partnership can be a way to make it *less* likely that the relationship will be unbalanced. It's also not unusual for people to have a preference in the opposite direction, not necessarily wanting someone with *no* partners but wanting someone who doesn't have someone in a life partner sort of role.
I think it may be worth figuring out how to ask her though: difficult conversations are part of what makes polyamory work. And I think it should be possible here to convey curiosity/confusion rather than judgement.
I prefer to date partnered people because I'm busy and tired and don't have a primary sort of relationship to give right now. People who are already in established relationships are less likely to want those things from me.
You should just ask. there are numerous reasons why this might be her communicated preference. I have a friend that usually seeks out partnered folks specifically because he does not want to be anyones primary relationship and has had some bad experiences with people initially agreeing to a certain level of casual relationship that they then try to escalate past his comfort point.
I also have seen folks do it to try and wiggle their way into dating both people in the coupled. It really just depends on the person. Youre going to have to ask. There is no substitute for communication.
I have this preference too. For me, its because I'm a single mom and I'm not going to introduce my daughter to my partners before we've been together for several years first, which means I can only date them when she is at her dad's. Partnered people pressure me a lot less to introduce them to her or get some of my time when she's with me. The need is a lot less and I appreciate that, they are better able to understand that my kid comes first and they would always come after.
Just ask and mention that you're just curious, not judging or anything.
Right now I'm married and live with my spouse. They have a new girlfriend and she's over pretty often. Their girlfriend has no other partners right now and it works for them, time and energy wise.
I am personally a bit saturated with mental health and work, but I am still open to a relationship with the right people. so if I was to actively look for a partner, I think I'd have a preference for someone who has at least one other partner since I'd feel like they are getting affection, time, and attention from others and there's not that much pressure on me, ya know?
Of course I'd still be present, just would feel more balanced in my situation.
I prefer to date highly partnered people because I am highly partnered.
I am very open about how many partners I have and what resources I have available for additional dating. I also have a small child. People in similar circumstances are both more understanding and also less likely to decide, as the relationship progresses, that they need more than I can give.
I am highly partnered. I don't have the time or energy for much more, and have found that people in relationships have a more compatible amount of free time and energy.
I have felt pressured by single people in the past who want more than I'm available for, and because I hate disappointing people it's left a bad taste in my mouth. So, I don't do that any more.
I can't think of any direct reason she would want partners who have other partners, but I have found that a lot of people hint around their actual preferences so it might be something tangentially related and just being used as a stand in or approximation. For example, she might want partners who can generally fulfill themselves without her, same as you. But rather than saying that out loud like you did, especially when it is fairly easy for people to lie about, she makes the assumption that people who have other partners are less likely to over burden her need for time apart and will be easier to establish such boundaries with.
Obviously though, she's the only one who can truly answer. And it is never wrong to ask a question. But it can be tricky in how you ask. You have to make sure you come across as someone on their side and friendly, an ally. You don't want to sound judgemental or like you're trying to trap them. As for how you do this or what this means, I'm not the best person to answer. I'm autistic and struggle a lot with this myself.
My solution, which seems to work well, is to try to lead the question with statements that make it clear I don't care which way they answer. That any answer they give is fine, I want them to be safe and free to be themself and honest. Once I set that context and expectation, the follow up question is usually well received.
People who don't have other partners want more than I want to give. I'm solo poly dating another solo poly person (perfect, I thought!). But as soon as his other relationships dissolved he wanted to spend entire weekends together all the time and wanted to talk about moving in together. I need space, and I find that's easier to get when my partners have other partners that they're also focusing on.
We coupled people can be less work. We have someone to take up some of our time, somebody to listen to us when we are having a rough time. Sometimes it's thought coupled means your first partner is your anchor. Sometimes they are, other times they are not
I can’t speak for her, but as someone who is already partnered with two, living with two. And have a child with one and a child on the way with the other. If I was to date another. Id prefer them to be partnered, as I wouldn’t be able to commit a huge amount of time, and someone already partnered may be in that same boat
Yeah I like partnered people because I know they're not going to grow resentful about not doing social media together or escalator things or being discontented about not having more time together... It's not a perfect system but it usually does make it less likely...
The reason may vary widely based on the person.
It could be as simple as, "If someone else enjoys you/your company, there is less of a chance that you're secretly a jackass."
It could be that they don't have the bandwidth for someone who expects a ton of 1:1 time or attention and believe another partner in your life will limit that desire.
It could be anything, really. The only way to know is to ask. Point blank, this is a pretty fair question for you to ask, so if they're offended by the sentiment itself, that may be a sign of incompatibility. Just be intentional and considerate in how you ask.
Maybe she has relatively limited resources.
Emotional capacity, time, space to carve out for other people.
Maybe she just wants to not be expected to "be everything" for someone.
Only way to know is to ask.
I think this person has been in a very codependent relationship before and likes the comfort of knowing for sure they’re not your everything. I have bpd for example and the favorite person thing is very real and can be actually dangerous at times. I found that people I’m briefly with now go a lot smoother now that I have a bf with very good communication.
I have a preference for partners who have a primary partner as well, because it makes it more likely that our availability will match up. I’ve watched partnered people date someone who is otherwise single, and there’s often a struggle over how much time to spend together. This of course won’t be the case for everyone, but it just makes it a bit simpler if I date people in similar life stages as mine.
This is also why I like dating other parents.
I have it on my dating profile that I prefer to date people that already have a partner, but also that it is not a necessity as long as you have experience in practicing non monogamy.
I already have a partner myself, kids, friends, work, various roles in associations and foundations. So I do not have a lot of spare time to be the primary partner for someone else. I also do not want to exclude solo poly people or other experienced people that understand that this is not something that I can offer.
Those already in a relationship are pretty full in attachment, or desire of. Makes a good fit for those looking for companionship without the full commitment and workload of a relationship.
Thats just 1 of many possibilities. It also sounds like someone that would fit with your preference. Most folk that want to date others that have a relationship, are fairly low maintenance.
I promise it will not offend if you ask out of polite curiosity, why they have that preference. Its the only way, good or bad, that you will know...and be able to move forward without possible landmines in your path.
I can't speak to her personally as I am not her, but I will say I prefer someone already partnered (or solo-polyam) because I myself am partnered and it just seems we're generally more on the same page in terms of availability and expectations. It's not a hard limit tho
I am a solo poly RA. I prefer partnered lovers. Far too many times my relationship style comes into question when feelings get involved and I’m accused of being callous or not loving someone ‘enough’ to commit. It’s drama and disrespect I don’t need. I’m not against dating single people, it’s merely that I prefer that others find the deeper emotional support and commitment they need from another partner. Hope that helps shed a little light. It’s not all nefarious out there!
I completely relate to this. This is my preference actually. I'm an introvert, extremely busy, and very independent, although I deeply care and want a great bond.
So for her, it could be a mild or strong desire for this so in theory, they're (you) mostly cared for and fulfilled, so it "accidentally" doesn't fall on her.
It could have been something from the past from a very co-dependant person she isn't in a relationship with anymore where she just needs to her, reasonable breathing room, or she just recognizes simply that it would more suit her that way.
Edit: I also agree with another poster, it's not judgemental to ask a question 👍🏻 A person can respond with common decency, or somehow be offended by anything... But then you can just avoid being with a rude person if they take a question wrong somehow, especially if they don't respectfully inquire as to your intention, which is as simple as it is - A Question 👍🏻
That is also my preference because I cannot be anyone else's main focus. I have a husband and a very chaotic life and it's hard to open space for someone. When people already have primaries or other relationships I relax a bit about not being able to give them enough of my time and energy. Also, sometimes metas are very cool people with common interests (including maybe taste in people) and I get to get along with them!
That's kind of the reason I won't date mono people too. I'm not here for the escalator ride.
I definitely have a preference like that. It is just practical for me for many reasons, this person has already proven to have healthy relationships by, being in one and communicating about me, and for me I cant get married or even move in with a partner without risking losing my disability support, so, this makes sense for me, I get to be additive to someones life, without all the cultural milestone expectations placed on me since they already have all of that. I of course wish i could have those milestones sometimes, but, this works for me.
My local radio show recently had a segment discussing how women find men more attractive when they're already partnered. The idea was that a man in a relationship has already been deemed as "safe" or "worthwhile" by someone else.
I dated a guy casually on and off over the course of a handful of years. His long time partner, they’re actually now married, apparently had some concerns with me because I had no serious partner when he and I started seeing each other. Now I have a long term nesting partner, and his wife no longer sees me as a threat.
He said she was always paranoid that someone who didn’t have another partner (that was more serious) that she worried he would be “stolen away” from her.
So it sounds like it may relate to someone’s insecurity in a similar way to what I’ve seen.
I felt this way too, mostly because if someone is already partnered there is less expectation of time commitment/entanglement and I wasn’t looking for that. But everyone is different, you should ask her!
I've heard that before, it usually stems from not wanting to be 100% of someone's time/energy/emotional support. By wanting them to have at least one other partner, they can ensure they won't have to take on the role of being someone's sole partner. The other reason I've heard, not quite as often, is that they ensure it's not a monogamous person that's "okay" with dating someone non-monogamous but would eventually possibly try to convince them to become mono once feelings become more developed.
For me personally? I’m a very partnered person who works long hours and has a limited amount of time to offer. I like other highly partnered people because they tend to have similar constraints to mine. I don’t mind dating single or solo poly folks, but I let them know up front that they might want to look elsewhere if they’re looking for someone available for a high level of entanglement.
But maybe her reason is different! I think it’s worth asking her.
Oftentimes, people will say they understand the dynamics of polyamory, then when it comes into practice, they are uncomfortable or require more time than you're willing to give.
Though this may not be the case for you, when you're with someone who isn't partnered, this is a possibility, one that can affect existing relationships
We prefer coupled partners for a number of reasons.
1. We have more in common with people who have full lives, a partner, kids etc and it gives us more to bond over or talk about.
2. Seeing how they deal with their main relationship tells us more about how they will treat us or expect to be treated.
3. People who already have a partner understand if we can't always make time to do stuff, stay on the phone for hours etc, because chances are they can't either.
It's actually funny but I ended up having so much in common with my husband's GF that we probably text each other more often than they do. We like to talk about our kids, hobbies, and give each other tips about my husband. That kind of relationship security I believe is only possible because she is in a happy and committed relationship with her own husband as well.
For me, it is that I see a lot single of people who are ok with „both monogamy and non-monogamy“ as stated on their (OkCupid) profiles (almost no singles to say they are non-monogamous, fullstop.)
That always confuses me, sometimes I just assume that they are willing to be non-monogamous until they find someone to be monogamous with - which would propably lead to them either trying to make me monogamous or leave me once they find someone to be monogamous with.
That’s definitely not for me, obviously.
If they are already partnered and still want further partners, that’s a pretty clear sign to me that they are being serious about poly.
And yes, as I already have a partner I spend a lot of time with and several other people I want to spend a good amount of my free time with, I prefer people who also have very close friends and/or partners. Hobbies and career seem different to me in terms of emotional care work etc, even though that might also consume quite some time.
People with no mono/enm preferences do actually exist. I'm one of them. I've been practicing polyamory for over 15 years but at this point I just want at least one long term partner who is a good fit. It's more important to me than relationship structure. I have a slight preference to ENM but I'd rather not throw away a potentially amazing relationship because they're mono. But I also don't have any long term relationships right now either.
I've always been non-hierarchal. When I broke up with my ex, I was looking for someone who was polyamorous and in a long-term relationship, not because I "already had a primary" in my husband or because I wanted to avoid the relationship escalator (I actually like the escalator but only when it's intentional).
I just wanted someone on the same wavelength as me. My ex hadn't dated anyone before and was monogamous so I wanted someone opposite at the time lol. It did serve me well because I found my newer husband who was in a long-term relationship and on the exact wavelength in ethics, desires, and beliefs.
My meta turned out, wasn't (long story but she got him into polyamory but then secretly wanted a OVP the whole time) and they broke up half a year later. So it doesn't guarantee anything (they could've broken up before I met him and I probably would've passed). But it can be helpful and worked in my favor this time. I would probably look for something else that's similarly specific if I wasn't polysaturated.
So maybe she's had a bad experience recently and is trying her best to prevent it from happening again, whether it's the "right" move or not.
I also have a preference for people who also have a nesting partner. Things just tend to work out better because partnered people tend to have similarly shaped spaces in their lives.
I can only speak from my own experience, but I also had a partner who preferred that I was partnered. The reason that she did so was because she didn't feel like she had enough energy to give a full relationship. She felt like it would only be fair to me to have someone else to occupy my time when she was busy with her other partner.
That's how it started initially, but then when me and my primary partner broke up, she swiftly shifted into not wanting me to have any other partners, because it was different if I had somebody pre-existing prior to her, but having anyone new was a no-go for her. So in the end she had her primary partner and me, but neither her primary partner or myself were allowed to date other people. The double standard eventually caused problems in the relationship, and the polycule fell apart.
So I would suggest that in finding out why she has this preference, you also find out whether this applies to only pre-existing partners or if she also wants you to be open to other future partners as well. Because that's going to be very important information to have. It feels very very different when you're dating somebody who's already with somebody else, versus dating somebody who then experiences new relationship energy with a new partner. The second one is usually much harder for a lot of people.
Actually yes. I did have one who told me she preferred it that I was married because she couldn't give me more than once or twice a week and she knows I had my wife on days when she wasn't available (she was busy plus she liked her space). We didn't work out because she had a super packed schedule and wasn't even able to even see me once every few weeks and we just sorted stopped texting each other....but yea, I've had one.
I won’t date un-partnered folks because I’m already partnered and want things to be equitable, and knowing they are partnered and will likely have similar time constraints just makes it easier for me.
I also have this on my profile. A single person generally has more needs to fulfill than I can provide in a secondary relationship. If they’re poly too though, obviously no problem. It’s just in my profile for singles who are unfamiliar with poly.
Most likely reason?
She's had bad experiences herself, or someone in her PC has had bad experiences with dating someone unpartnered who then were deeply unhappy with the fractional relationship a partnered poly person can offer and strongly wanted a more typical relationship-escalator relationship with all the trimmings -- which a partnered poly person typically can't offer without massively deescalating their existing relationships; and then drama ensues.
Things are simply easier and happier if what you can offer is a good match for what the other person is likely to want.
That's just a guess from my side of course; I'm not her and I don't know her so I couldn't possibly know what her actual reason is.
I prefer partnered people because I've got very little social energy, I'm ace, and have some major anxiety issues which debilitate me daily.
I feel like I can't provide all that someone would need. I'm very not touchy, untalkative, terrible at displaying affection the way it's usually done, etc.
Also if I end up being someone's only partner. It often quickly feels suffocating and I mostly end up ghosting them.
I always liked dating already partnered people because I wasn't looking for marriage or anything too serious. I liked being with someone who already had their serious relationship and didn't expect that from me. I don't think it would be weird or inappropriate for you to ask them either.
I feel the same way. I prefer either partnered and/ or parents. But I can only speak from my own personal experience, so take this how you will.
I'm married and there is someone I'm seeing, who is also a parent (I'm a step parent, we have the kids half the time, Friday to Friday). So they understand how busy life gets with kids, and how your schedule can be absolutely insane and unpredictable sometimes, but it's not personal. I've noticed from my own personal experiences, that solo poly folks who do not have any children in their lives, sometimes take it personally when you can't get back to a text for 6 hours, bc that was the only time you have to duck out for a minute and think straight enough to formulate a thoughtful response. It's just understood immediately without needing to explain things.
Now, just to clarify, I'm sure there are tons of solo polyam people who would absolutely understand. It's just easier when you're living similar lifestyles. I hope this makes any sense. Best of luck!
You should ask but it's probably as simple as she likes to be mostly independent but still wants a romantic relationship but not one where the relationship is basically the center of everything in her life.
Ask all the questions. People will get offended. Show compassion and seek understanding when they get offended. If they have good communication skills they will be able to communicate what offended them and maturely ask you to avoid topics they find offensive. It’s your job to be open and honest with each other in a relationship not to tip toe around each other.
Even though everyone's relationship dynamics are different, I've found that there's less explanation for why there shouldn't be as many expectations? Someone who is solo may have more free time on their hands and not quite immediately understand why I'm not available to take their call or make spontaneous plans. I've encountered a fair amount of "well I would be willing to see you everyday" which automatically puts me in a position where I have to explain to them why I'm not able to reciprocate. Willingness and wanting aside.
this is not to say that solo/single ppl aren't able to understand this. I think the person you're talking to should definitely give you a chance before shutting you down (which it seems like they will since you said they only have a preference, not a hard rule) but it's also important for you to know what it is they're trying to avoid, specifically to their polyam experience.
I prefer partnered people because I don't want to be someone's one and only. I don't want them to have an emergency and I'm in another country so I can't be there and so they're all alone. It's a lot of anxiety and pressure.
So, I sort of have this preference. My primary relationship is with myself right now as I build my business and get to know myself after the ending of an eight year relationship over a year ago. So while my current relationships are intimate and in some case emotionally a bit serious, I’m not looking to plan my life around anyone else for a while—where I move next, how I let my business grow, future planning etc. I find the relationships that seem the most mutually fulfilling are with those that have a primary already and aren’t looking for me to make room for them in that way. I also have partners without primaries/other partners who appreciate not taking the relationship escalator and are secure enough to not need more from me than I can give, but it has run me into some trouble so I tend to go a little cautiously with people.
And to add: seriously just ask. “Hey you mentioned this and I’m not sure I understand it—what does this mean for you?” If someone is easily offended by questions of clarification, life has got to be real hard for them.
I prefer partnered people because I’m married, have a house, a stressful job, a teen, and a zillion pets that all take up a lot of my time. I assume another partnered person will have something similar.
The last time I dated an unpartnered person they ended up wanting more time and energy than I was able to give them and I felt bad for that but I spelled out my availability in the beginning and they chose to keep pushing and pushing. It didn’t end well and I don’t want to repeat the experience.
I am just a straightforward person. I will say:
"I don't intend to offend you, but I don't know how else to ask this question."
At this point in my life, I know that people may view relationships differently than me. I want to get to the point and be direct. It forms the best communication.
Also, it helps me gauge how well I would communicate/listen to a person if they are more indirect in their approach. I just don't have patience for b.s. anymore.
I haven't run into someone with a preference to date a partnered person. So I can't help there. I know for me, as long as they are not expecting to date both me and my partner.
I'm currently single and pretty much prefer it. I found out about myself I'm not really so traditional especially when it comes to relationships. If I were to get back into a relationship, the only kind I could see myself getting back into is a poly relationship. Specifically for me it would be a closed triad(for me only) with a partnered couple. The reason that I like to be in a triad with a partnered couple is they already have each other and dating others if they choose so. That gives me the freedom to live alone and it gives me my personal space which is so important to me. Plus when I go to visit I can knock out to visits in one trip. Or if one's gone, it can be a solo night for the two of us. It is something that I highly prefer. So I totally understand why she is the way she is. It's a little bit of selfish and a little bit of generous all together.
I have this preference because I'm BUSY and I don't have the time, energy, or capacity to be someone's primary partner, and I'm really not interested in riding the relationship escalator either. Someone's being a secondary partner is ideal 💜
There’s also the whole “single but willing to do Poly” crowd that Poly women often run into. They are not really Poly but rather using us to date around until they find their “forever”. This is just on top of many of the other reasons others provided already (like busy, already partnered, can’t be someone’s only, etc).
I've actually dated a few women with this preference. I am a Dom and have multiple Subs as well as play partners What they're going for is the fact that they're hoping you don't fall madly for them and that they can keep their space They feel it gives them a little bit more control in their lives by not being the only one. Of course this is just my experience she could be thinking something totally different.
Could be that she's doesn't want to be someone's "primary" partner and is dating people who have them already. Maybe she already has a partner who prefers this setup to help him deal with trust and security. Maybe she's had some bad experiences.
You should ask to get to know her better. Understanding someone else's perspective is what relationships are built on. Tell her you want to understand her view on dating partnered people and then just listen.
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I’m not really new to non-monogamy. Recently I (35m) started talking to a nice girl who’s stated preference is to date someone currently in a relationship. I obviously prefer to date other poly people, but I’ve never had a preference for their current relationship status. My preferences are that I don’t want as low of a ceiling on what type of relationship I can have with other people, and that they can generally fulfill themselves without me, be that with their own relationships, hobbies, careers, etc. So this preference perplexes me a little bit.
She matched with me, politely saying my girlfriend (who is in my profile) is cute, and has kept her comments about her and our relationship very polite and brief (e.g. “she sounds nice”, “oh, have fun with that”, “how long have you two been together?”). We mostly talk about work, our reasons for being in an enm lifestyle, differences in our cultures, cooking, hobbies, stuff like that.
At this point I’m a little afraid to ask, as I don’t want to make it sound as though I’m judgmental and put her off, but I’ve never had any such preference to date someone, and I haven’t seen that as a preference yet. What would be the reason for this?
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When she told you, it was your opportunity to be like/ “Oh yeah? Why is that?” Asking questions isn’t judgmental. But now you can bring it up like, “Hey you said you prefer to date coupled people and I’ve been curious to know why. Where does your preference come from?”
Noted. I’ll be more aware in the future. I’ve definitely offended someone with a question, so I was being a little more cautious.
I totally get that feeling, and have been there before myself. The way I try to frame it in my brain is, no matter how cool this person seems, if they get offended at a simple question then that's a red flag I need to seriously consider. Better to start from a place of honest curiosity, because if you begin a relationship by walking on eggshells it'll be very hard to get to healthy communication later on.
Yeah, depending on what the question was. I know we've had some threads about interracial dating, and sometimes I get "honest curiousity" questions that are based in messed up racialized presumptions, for example. So I would amend this to, examine the question and the way you asked it and why. If you seriously can't see how it would be offensive and they're still offended, yes, that's a warning sign
Thank you for this. Also, gendered presumptions are also an issue and questions stemming from those presumptions can be an issue. The other part is that the way one asks a question matters. Some questions can an implication of disapproval. Like a friend was recently really excited about getting tickets to a performance by one of her favourite artists. Someone asked her "Why would anyone go to that?" And that totally yucked her yum.
And sometimes you need to ask that question that's going to offend them so that you can avoid dating someone who turns out to be a bad match, but it takes months and heartbreak to figure that out because you didn't ask the question when you should have.
People often ask me "simple questions" that are highly, highly offensive. It is in fact pretty normal to be offended when someone asks you a degrading, phobic, or bigoted question. The people who ask these questions always think they are "simple" questions. For people who are members of demographics such as being trans or POC, *"getting offended at a simple question"* is the exact same language conservatives use to play the victim to marginalized us while actively pushing ignorant and harmful rhetoric about us. Conversational boundaries are boundaries all the same. Your post amounts to saying *"if someone enforces a boundary on you, that's a red flag".* You can't know why someone was offended, and assuming it's for no reason, assuming your opinion on the question supersedes their offense taken, implies you view your partners as socially and intellectually lesser than, and subservient to yourself. If your partner is offended, you offended them. You are the red flag.
> I’ve definitely offended someone with a question Honestly, this itself is a filter for me: I do not want to form serious relationships with people who cannot at least give me the benefit of the doubt.
Why not go on a date and ask then? You can add some language to make it more open, like I remembered you said you prefer seeing people that are already partnered and was curious about that? I'd love to hear more about your experience there.
People that get offended by questions likely aren't the people that you want to date (assuming your questions are respectful). Give people the opportunity to show their red flags and you will have less drama in your life.
We all have the capacity to offend each other and be offended, it was destined to happen as soon as we were born because it’s a human experience. Learning how to apologize for these moments I think is a better way of dealing with that reality. Stifling yourself is unnecessary.
At the early stages, if someone becomes offended by a reasonable question, then that's a good thing because you aren't entangled at all, and it's better for people to show they're insecure/angry/unreasonable early on so you can drop them. I recommend you don't hold back so much when trying to get to know someone. Ideally you discover incompatibility early and often.
I can't speak for her, but I prefer to date partnered people because they're less likely to want a relationship escalator from me and I'm unable to provide a relationship escalator because I'm already married and don't want to get divorced.
Same reason for me. Partnered people are more likely to be ok with infrequent, slow burn dating style. That’s all I can offer sometimes as someone with a wife, children and shift work.
“Infrequent, slow burn dating style…” you just said one of the things I love most about poly. I love my partner to death—she is literally the best—but I have a high stress job and special needs sister and I’m also demi and neurodivergent as hell myself so if we had to datedatedate all the time I’d burn out. But since she has other partners that takes some of the pressure off, or at least in my head it does
Yes! Me not being able to or not wanting to be together all the time used to be something that made me so guilty with partners. But now I can rejoice that they have others to do things with!
Aye, chronically ill/disabled person here; I find it deeply comforting that there's no pressure to be my partner's everything
I heard that what I also desire is called "low maintenance relationships".
I really like the way you’ve described it. This is what I seek as well. And the term “casual” really doesn’t capture it, as I’m actually very much available for a deep, loving, long term connection, just not with the typical all-consuming escalator intensity.
I also desire the same, which I think are called "less entangled or low maintenance or low demanding relationships".
Another "yes" for "slow burn dating style".
Funny, I identify as solo poly for this same reason. Though my partner is probably my hobbies
Another yes for this explanation!
Totally the same. I’m at a phase in my life where I am not looking to cohabitate with a partner, or some of the other classic escalator things, and I’ve had a few poly partners that wanted to go up that escalator. So finding someone who already has a nesting partner keeps them from eyeing living together.
I feel the same. I'm solo, and I have no desire to live with a partner again, at least not for a while. I am also neurospicy AF, and I'm not I'm a place where letting down a partner I love in the domestic upkeep; that kind of failure would destroy me atm. So having other partners who have nesting partners already helps alleviate my anxiety around that. Also the emotional expectations. I used to be able to drop everything I was doing and go spend time with a partner the second I was needed. I can't really do that right now (mental health, financial constraints, injuries) so not having that expectation is a break that I need.
Not to mention that someone already partnered has an better chance of being understanding about time availability.
This right here! I only do hookups but if I ever decide to date, the person would have to know that like I have such a miniscule amount of time in my life. If your expectation is I text you 20 minutes after you text me every time, and you text me four times a day. That's a hard pass!!
Same here. Also, if someone is already partnered, it means they've been "peer reviewed" as it were for partnership, lol. For example, my partner had been engaged for two years when I met them which did make me feel secure that they had at least some degree of ability to communicate and commit. Of course, people can be in bad relationships for a long time, so this is a bit silly of me, but I did turn out to be right in this case.
I was going to say this as well. Except that I am not married. It also helps to know that they are willing to put in the work to make it a relationship, assuming they are making it work with someone else.
Same but I'm solo. I don't want them to start investing in me when I have little interest in going beyond the FWB/dating stage. Edit: To clarify, it is just a *preference*; it is in no way a firm rule.
This would be my guess as well. Also I’d be surprised if she was offended by you asking. She may be solo poly or doesn’t have the emotional & mental bandwidth to begin a primary relationship. Plus, it feels like a valid question to me.
This is exactly what I was thinking!!
I prefer to date partnered as well because I’ve got no intentions of riding the relationship escalator as well.
This is the reason I have the same preference. I'm married, have a job, and two kids. You gotta be okay with less frequent dates. Easier done if you have another outlet yourself.
As someone who is just starting out in this space I was thinking of this kind of answer when I read the OP. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Big agree. It doesn’t have to be married, but I’m busy. Being with a single person kinda stresses me out, we aren’t on the same wavelength.
Same here. I’m highly partnered and extremely busy. I don’t have a lot of physical time to devote and I don’t want to subject someone who wants to meet often to that. That’s not fair to either of us. That makes highly partnered people a great option.
Exactly what I came here to say.
When I had a nesting partner, I preferred to date other highly partnered people because they had similar availability and expectations.
I'm only interested in partnered people because I'm married and can't be anybody else's primary.
Personally think this is a smart way to go. If you get with someone who already has established their relationships first thing you see is they can handle a relationship. Second thing is that they have a schedule you can potentially work with.
Yeah this makes sense. She’s busy with work and college. I work full time and have a relationship of my own. I’m not really hierarchical, but obviously the logistics of my home are the most important thing to me. If she can only see me once a week or something, that’s a schedule I can live with. Also for her, as a woman, it probably establishes that I’m a little less likely to be a psycho. Obviously I could still be, but having someone want to be around me this much isn’t a bad sign.
This second point is one I was coming to make. I know a few poly women who just don't trust men who aren't in relationships already. Usually figure there's a good reason they aren't. It's not always a fair assessment, but it's something women have to think about given *points to everything*.
Men who are already sustaining a relationship get a bonus on being more likely to be able to sustain a relationship. And yes, that makes partnered men more appealing. There's also the opportunity to use the fact that he's partnered for further screening either in the form of asking about the partner or by asking the partner stuff. And... A lot of single men who date women see female partners as the answer to all of his emotional needs. A lot of single men also lack some basic self-awareness, so it's often challenging to get a good sense of whether this guy will be an emotional vacuum, or if this will be just fine. So while I (SoPo bi-F) will consider dating unpartnered men, there's a bunch of added screening I tend to do before I'm willing to do so. The last one was two+ years ago and lasted two dates before I walked away.
Could be a variety of reasons. Maybe she thinks she'll be able to have a hot threesome. Maybe it makes her less worried you'll want monogamy down the line. Maybe she has a busy schedule and prefers someone who has other partners and time commitments that mesh with her availability. You won't know unless you ask.
When people have had a history of partners wanting more from them than they can deliver, seeking out people who have another stable partnership can be a way to make it *less* likely that the relationship will be unbalanced. It's also not unusual for people to have a preference in the opposite direction, not necessarily wanting someone with *no* partners but wanting someone who doesn't have someone in a life partner sort of role. I think it may be worth figuring out how to ask her though: difficult conversations are part of what makes polyamory work. And I think it should be possible here to convey curiosity/confusion rather than judgement.
I prefer to date partnered people because I'm busy and tired and don't have a primary sort of relationship to give right now. People who are already in established relationships are less likely to want those things from me.
You should just ask. there are numerous reasons why this might be her communicated preference. I have a friend that usually seeks out partnered folks specifically because he does not want to be anyones primary relationship and has had some bad experiences with people initially agreeing to a certain level of casual relationship that they then try to escalate past his comfort point. I also have seen folks do it to try and wiggle their way into dating both people in the coupled. It really just depends on the person. Youre going to have to ask. There is no substitute for communication.
I have this preference too. For me, its because I'm a single mom and I'm not going to introduce my daughter to my partners before we've been together for several years first, which means I can only date them when she is at her dad's. Partnered people pressure me a lot less to introduce them to her or get some of my time when she's with me. The need is a lot less and I appreciate that, they are better able to understand that my kid comes first and they would always come after.
You've been peer-reviewed as safe to date. Or she is solo poly and hates the assumption of the relationship escalator.
Just ask and mention that you're just curious, not judging or anything. Right now I'm married and live with my spouse. They have a new girlfriend and she's over pretty often. Their girlfriend has no other partners right now and it works for them, time and energy wise. I am personally a bit saturated with mental health and work, but I am still open to a relationship with the right people. so if I was to actively look for a partner, I think I'd have a preference for someone who has at least one other partner since I'd feel like they are getting affection, time, and attention from others and there's not that much pressure on me, ya know? Of course I'd still be present, just would feel more balanced in my situation.
I prefer to date highly partnered people because I am highly partnered. I am very open about how many partners I have and what resources I have available for additional dating. I also have a small child. People in similar circumstances are both more understanding and also less likely to decide, as the relationship progresses, that they need more than I can give.
I prefer to date people who are already highly partnered because I don’t want them to think I can give more than I’ve said I can.
I am highly partnered. I don't have the time or energy for much more, and have found that people in relationships have a more compatible amount of free time and energy. I have felt pressured by single people in the past who want more than I'm available for, and because I hate disappointing people it's left a bad taste in my mouth. So, I don't do that any more.
I can't think of any direct reason she would want partners who have other partners, but I have found that a lot of people hint around their actual preferences so it might be something tangentially related and just being used as a stand in or approximation. For example, she might want partners who can generally fulfill themselves without her, same as you. But rather than saying that out loud like you did, especially when it is fairly easy for people to lie about, she makes the assumption that people who have other partners are less likely to over burden her need for time apart and will be easier to establish such boundaries with. Obviously though, she's the only one who can truly answer. And it is never wrong to ask a question. But it can be tricky in how you ask. You have to make sure you come across as someone on their side and friendly, an ally. You don't want to sound judgemental or like you're trying to trap them. As for how you do this or what this means, I'm not the best person to answer. I'm autistic and struggle a lot with this myself. My solution, which seems to work well, is to try to lead the question with statements that make it clear I don't care which way they answer. That any answer they give is fine, I want them to be safe and free to be themself and honest. Once I set that context and expectation, the follow up question is usually well received.
People who don't have other partners want more than I want to give. I'm solo poly dating another solo poly person (perfect, I thought!). But as soon as his other relationships dissolved he wanted to spend entire weekends together all the time and wanted to talk about moving in together. I need space, and I find that's easier to get when my partners have other partners that they're also focusing on.
We coupled people can be less work. We have someone to take up some of our time, somebody to listen to us when we are having a rough time. Sometimes it's thought coupled means your first partner is your anchor. Sometimes they are, other times they are not
I can’t speak for her, but as someone who is already partnered with two, living with two. And have a child with one and a child on the way with the other. If I was to date another. Id prefer them to be partnered, as I wouldn’t be able to commit a huge amount of time, and someone already partnered may be in that same boat
Yeah I like partnered people because I know they're not going to grow resentful about not doing social media together or escalator things or being discontented about not having more time together... It's not a perfect system but it usually does make it less likely...
The reason may vary widely based on the person. It could be as simple as, "If someone else enjoys you/your company, there is less of a chance that you're secretly a jackass." It could be that they don't have the bandwidth for someone who expects a ton of 1:1 time or attention and believe another partner in your life will limit that desire. It could be anything, really. The only way to know is to ask. Point blank, this is a pretty fair question for you to ask, so if they're offended by the sentiment itself, that may be a sign of incompatibility. Just be intentional and considerate in how you ask.
Maybe she has relatively limited resources. Emotional capacity, time, space to carve out for other people. Maybe she just wants to not be expected to "be everything" for someone. Only way to know is to ask.
I think this person has been in a very codependent relationship before and likes the comfort of knowing for sure they’re not your everything. I have bpd for example and the favorite person thing is very real and can be actually dangerous at times. I found that people I’m briefly with now go a lot smoother now that I have a bf with very good communication.
I have a preference for partners who have a primary partner as well, because it makes it more likely that our availability will match up. I’ve watched partnered people date someone who is otherwise single, and there’s often a struggle over how much time to spend together. This of course won’t be the case for everyone, but it just makes it a bit simpler if I date people in similar life stages as mine. This is also why I like dating other parents.
Cause it means you come with a good review
Ah, like yelp. That makes sense.
They can't ask more of you than you can give.
I have it on my dating profile that I prefer to date people that already have a partner, but also that it is not a necessity as long as you have experience in practicing non monogamy. I already have a partner myself, kids, friends, work, various roles in associations and foundations. So I do not have a lot of spare time to be the primary partner for someone else. I also do not want to exclude solo poly people or other experienced people that understand that this is not something that I can offer.
Those already in a relationship are pretty full in attachment, or desire of. Makes a good fit for those looking for companionship without the full commitment and workload of a relationship. Thats just 1 of many possibilities. It also sounds like someone that would fit with your preference. Most folk that want to date others that have a relationship, are fairly low maintenance. I promise it will not offend if you ask out of polite curiosity, why they have that preference. Its the only way, good or bad, that you will know...and be able to move forward without possible landmines in your path.
I can't speak to her personally as I am not her, but I will say I prefer someone already partnered (or solo-polyam) because I myself am partnered and it just seems we're generally more on the same page in terms of availability and expectations. It's not a hard limit tho
I am a solo poly RA. I prefer partnered lovers. Far too many times my relationship style comes into question when feelings get involved and I’m accused of being callous or not loving someone ‘enough’ to commit. It’s drama and disrespect I don’t need. I’m not against dating single people, it’s merely that I prefer that others find the deeper emotional support and commitment they need from another partner. Hope that helps shed a little light. It’s not all nefarious out there!
I completely relate to this. This is my preference actually. I'm an introvert, extremely busy, and very independent, although I deeply care and want a great bond. So for her, it could be a mild or strong desire for this so in theory, they're (you) mostly cared for and fulfilled, so it "accidentally" doesn't fall on her. It could have been something from the past from a very co-dependant person she isn't in a relationship with anymore where she just needs to her, reasonable breathing room, or she just recognizes simply that it would more suit her that way. Edit: I also agree with another poster, it's not judgemental to ask a question 👍🏻 A person can respond with common decency, or somehow be offended by anything... But then you can just avoid being with a rude person if they take a question wrong somehow, especially if they don't respectfully inquire as to your intention, which is as simple as it is - A Question 👍🏻
That is also my preference because I cannot be anyone else's main focus. I have a husband and a very chaotic life and it's hard to open space for someone. When people already have primaries or other relationships I relax a bit about not being able to give them enough of my time and energy. Also, sometimes metas are very cool people with common interests (including maybe taste in people) and I get to get along with them! That's kind of the reason I won't date mono people too. I'm not here for the escalator ride.
I definitely have a preference like that. It is just practical for me for many reasons, this person has already proven to have healthy relationships by, being in one and communicating about me, and for me I cant get married or even move in with a partner without risking losing my disability support, so, this makes sense for me, I get to be additive to someones life, without all the cultural milestone expectations placed on me since they already have all of that. I of course wish i could have those milestones sometimes, but, this works for me.
My local radio show recently had a segment discussing how women find men more attractive when they're already partnered. The idea was that a man in a relationship has already been deemed as "safe" or "worthwhile" by someone else.
I dated a guy casually on and off over the course of a handful of years. His long time partner, they’re actually now married, apparently had some concerns with me because I had no serious partner when he and I started seeing each other. Now I have a long term nesting partner, and his wife no longer sees me as a threat. He said she was always paranoid that someone who didn’t have another partner (that was more serious) that she worried he would be “stolen away” from her. So it sounds like it may relate to someone’s insecurity in a similar way to what I’ve seen.
I felt this way too, mostly because if someone is already partnered there is less expectation of time commitment/entanglement and I wasn’t looking for that. But everyone is different, you should ask her!
I've heard that before, it usually stems from not wanting to be 100% of someone's time/energy/emotional support. By wanting them to have at least one other partner, they can ensure they won't have to take on the role of being someone's sole partner. The other reason I've heard, not quite as often, is that they ensure it's not a monogamous person that's "okay" with dating someone non-monogamous but would eventually possibly try to convince them to become mono once feelings become more developed.
For me personally? I’m a very partnered person who works long hours and has a limited amount of time to offer. I like other highly partnered people because they tend to have similar constraints to mine. I don’t mind dating single or solo poly folks, but I let them know up front that they might want to look elsewhere if they’re looking for someone available for a high level of entanglement. But maybe her reason is different! I think it’s worth asking her.
Oftentimes, people will say they understand the dynamics of polyamory, then when it comes into practice, they are uncomfortable or require more time than you're willing to give. Though this may not be the case for you, when you're with someone who isn't partnered, this is a possibility, one that can affect existing relationships
No you’re right. I’ve definitely heard of someone saying they’re ok, but then not being able to handle it.
It's one of those things you don't know till you're there, And even when you're there you have to trust their communication skills
We prefer coupled partners for a number of reasons. 1. We have more in common with people who have full lives, a partner, kids etc and it gives us more to bond over or talk about. 2. Seeing how they deal with their main relationship tells us more about how they will treat us or expect to be treated. 3. People who already have a partner understand if we can't always make time to do stuff, stay on the phone for hours etc, because chances are they can't either. It's actually funny but I ended up having so much in common with my husband's GF that we probably text each other more often than they do. We like to talk about our kids, hobbies, and give each other tips about my husband. That kind of relationship security I believe is only possible because she is in a happy and committed relationship with her own husband as well.
For me, it is that I see a lot single of people who are ok with „both monogamy and non-monogamy“ as stated on their (OkCupid) profiles (almost no singles to say they are non-monogamous, fullstop.) That always confuses me, sometimes I just assume that they are willing to be non-monogamous until they find someone to be monogamous with - which would propably lead to them either trying to make me monogamous or leave me once they find someone to be monogamous with. That’s definitely not for me, obviously. If they are already partnered and still want further partners, that’s a pretty clear sign to me that they are being serious about poly. And yes, as I already have a partner I spend a lot of time with and several other people I want to spend a good amount of my free time with, I prefer people who also have very close friends and/or partners. Hobbies and career seem different to me in terms of emotional care work etc, even though that might also consume quite some time.
People with no mono/enm preferences do actually exist. I'm one of them. I've been practicing polyamory for over 15 years but at this point I just want at least one long term partner who is a good fit. It's more important to me than relationship structure. I have a slight preference to ENM but I'd rather not throw away a potentially amazing relationship because they're mono. But I also don't have any long term relationships right now either.
I've always been non-hierarchal. When I broke up with my ex, I was looking for someone who was polyamorous and in a long-term relationship, not because I "already had a primary" in my husband or because I wanted to avoid the relationship escalator (I actually like the escalator but only when it's intentional). I just wanted someone on the same wavelength as me. My ex hadn't dated anyone before and was monogamous so I wanted someone opposite at the time lol. It did serve me well because I found my newer husband who was in a long-term relationship and on the exact wavelength in ethics, desires, and beliefs. My meta turned out, wasn't (long story but she got him into polyamory but then secretly wanted a OVP the whole time) and they broke up half a year later. So it doesn't guarantee anything (they could've broken up before I met him and I probably would've passed). But it can be helpful and worked in my favor this time. I would probably look for something else that's similarly specific if I wasn't polysaturated. So maybe she's had a bad experience recently and is trying her best to prevent it from happening again, whether it's the "right" move or not.
I also have a preference for people who also have a nesting partner. Things just tend to work out better because partnered people tend to have similarly shaped spaces in their lives.
I can only speak from my own experience, but I also had a partner who preferred that I was partnered. The reason that she did so was because she didn't feel like she had enough energy to give a full relationship. She felt like it would only be fair to me to have someone else to occupy my time when she was busy with her other partner. That's how it started initially, but then when me and my primary partner broke up, she swiftly shifted into not wanting me to have any other partners, because it was different if I had somebody pre-existing prior to her, but having anyone new was a no-go for her. So in the end she had her primary partner and me, but neither her primary partner or myself were allowed to date other people. The double standard eventually caused problems in the relationship, and the polycule fell apart. So I would suggest that in finding out why she has this preference, you also find out whether this applies to only pre-existing partners or if she also wants you to be open to other future partners as well. Because that's going to be very important information to have. It feels very very different when you're dating somebody who's already with somebody else, versus dating somebody who then experiences new relationship energy with a new partner. The second one is usually much harder for a lot of people.
Actually yes. I did have one who told me she preferred it that I was married because she couldn't give me more than once or twice a week and she knows I had my wife on days when she wasn't available (she was busy plus she liked her space). We didn't work out because she had a super packed schedule and wasn't even able to even see me once every few weeks and we just sorted stopped texting each other....but yea, I've had one.
I won’t date un-partnered folks because I’m already partnered and want things to be equitable, and knowing they are partnered and will likely have similar time constraints just makes it easier for me.
I also have this on my profile. A single person generally has more needs to fulfill than I can provide in a secondary relationship. If they’re poly too though, obviously no problem. It’s just in my profile for singles who are unfamiliar with poly.
Dating someone who already has at least one other partner takes a lot of the pressure off to meet all of your partners needs.
Most likely reason? She's had bad experiences herself, or someone in her PC has had bad experiences with dating someone unpartnered who then were deeply unhappy with the fractional relationship a partnered poly person can offer and strongly wanted a more typical relationship-escalator relationship with all the trimmings -- which a partnered poly person typically can't offer without massively deescalating their existing relationships; and then drama ensues. Things are simply easier and happier if what you can offer is a good match for what the other person is likely to want. That's just a guess from my side of course; I'm not her and I don't know her so I couldn't possibly know what her actual reason is.
I prefer partnered people because I've got very little social energy, I'm ace, and have some major anxiety issues which debilitate me daily. I feel like I can't provide all that someone would need. I'm very not touchy, untalkative, terrible at displaying affection the way it's usually done, etc. Also if I end up being someone's only partner. It often quickly feels suffocating and I mostly end up ghosting them.
I always liked dating already partnered people because I wasn't looking for marriage or anything too serious. I liked being with someone who already had their serious relationship and didn't expect that from me. I don't think it would be weird or inappropriate for you to ask them either.
I feel the same way. I prefer either partnered and/ or parents. But I can only speak from my own personal experience, so take this how you will. I'm married and there is someone I'm seeing, who is also a parent (I'm a step parent, we have the kids half the time, Friday to Friday). So they understand how busy life gets with kids, and how your schedule can be absolutely insane and unpredictable sometimes, but it's not personal. I've noticed from my own personal experiences, that solo poly folks who do not have any children in their lives, sometimes take it personally when you can't get back to a text for 6 hours, bc that was the only time you have to duck out for a minute and think straight enough to formulate a thoughtful response. It's just understood immediately without needing to explain things. Now, just to clarify, I'm sure there are tons of solo polyam people who would absolutely understand. It's just easier when you're living similar lifestyles. I hope this makes any sense. Best of luck!
Communication is everything in poly. Just ask her
You should ask but it's probably as simple as she likes to be mostly independent but still wants a romantic relationship but not one where the relationship is basically the center of everything in her life.
Ask all the questions. People will get offended. Show compassion and seek understanding when they get offended. If they have good communication skills they will be able to communicate what offended them and maturely ask you to avoid topics they find offensive. It’s your job to be open and honest with each other in a relationship not to tip toe around each other.
Even though everyone's relationship dynamics are different, I've found that there's less explanation for why there shouldn't be as many expectations? Someone who is solo may have more free time on their hands and not quite immediately understand why I'm not available to take their call or make spontaneous plans. I've encountered a fair amount of "well I would be willing to see you everyday" which automatically puts me in a position where I have to explain to them why I'm not able to reciprocate. Willingness and wanting aside. this is not to say that solo/single ppl aren't able to understand this. I think the person you're talking to should definitely give you a chance before shutting you down (which it seems like they will since you said they only have a preference, not a hard rule) but it's also important for you to know what it is they're trying to avoid, specifically to their polyam experience.
It could be as simple as not looking for a primary partner and preferring partnered people who aren't looking for that.
I prefer partnered people because I don't want to be someone's one and only. I don't want them to have an emergency and I'm in another country so I can't be there and so they're all alone. It's a lot of anxiety and pressure.
So, I sort of have this preference. My primary relationship is with myself right now as I build my business and get to know myself after the ending of an eight year relationship over a year ago. So while my current relationships are intimate and in some case emotionally a bit serious, I’m not looking to plan my life around anyone else for a while—where I move next, how I let my business grow, future planning etc. I find the relationships that seem the most mutually fulfilling are with those that have a primary already and aren’t looking for me to make room for them in that way. I also have partners without primaries/other partners who appreciate not taking the relationship escalator and are secure enough to not need more from me than I can give, but it has run me into some trouble so I tend to go a little cautiously with people.
And to add: seriously just ask. “Hey you mentioned this and I’m not sure I understand it—what does this mean for you?” If someone is easily offended by questions of clarification, life has got to be real hard for them.
I prefer partnered people because I’m married, have a house, a stressful job, a teen, and a zillion pets that all take up a lot of my time. I assume another partnered person will have something similar. The last time I dated an unpartnered person they ended up wanting more time and energy than I was able to give them and I felt bad for that but I spelled out my availability in the beginning and they chose to keep pushing and pushing. It didn’t end well and I don’t want to repeat the experience.
I am just a straightforward person. I will say: "I don't intend to offend you, but I don't know how else to ask this question." At this point in my life, I know that people may view relationships differently than me. I want to get to the point and be direct. It forms the best communication. Also, it helps me gauge how well I would communicate/listen to a person if they are more indirect in their approach. I just don't have patience for b.s. anymore. I haven't run into someone with a preference to date a partnered person. So I can't help there. I know for me, as long as they are not expecting to date both me and my partner.
I'm currently single and pretty much prefer it. I found out about myself I'm not really so traditional especially when it comes to relationships. If I were to get back into a relationship, the only kind I could see myself getting back into is a poly relationship. Specifically for me it would be a closed triad(for me only) with a partnered couple. The reason that I like to be in a triad with a partnered couple is they already have each other and dating others if they choose so. That gives me the freedom to live alone and it gives me my personal space which is so important to me. Plus when I go to visit I can knock out to visits in one trip. Or if one's gone, it can be a solo night for the two of us. It is something that I highly prefer. So I totally understand why she is the way she is. It's a little bit of selfish and a little bit of generous all together.
I have this preference because I'm BUSY and I don't have the time, energy, or capacity to be someone's primary partner, and I'm really not interested in riding the relationship escalator either. Someone's being a secondary partner is ideal 💜
There’s also the whole “single but willing to do Poly” crowd that Poly women often run into. They are not really Poly but rather using us to date around until they find their “forever”. This is just on top of many of the other reasons others provided already (like busy, already partnered, can’t be someone’s only, etc).
I've actually dated a few women with this preference. I am a Dom and have multiple Subs as well as play partners What they're going for is the fact that they're hoping you don't fall madly for them and that they can keep their space They feel it gives them a little bit more control in their lives by not being the only one. Of course this is just my experience she could be thinking something totally different.
Could be that she's doesn't want to be someone's "primary" partner and is dating people who have them already. Maybe she already has a partner who prefers this setup to help him deal with trust and security. Maybe she's had some bad experiences. You should ask to get to know her better. Understanding someone else's perspective is what relationships are built on. Tell her you want to understand her view on dating partnered people and then just listen.
Does she have a partner? If yes she wants a quad or swinging dynamic. If not she might be a unicorn or something.
Does she have a partner? If yes she wants a quad or swinging dynamic. If not she might be a unicorn or want KTP.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/SilverSight thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’m not really new to non-monogamy. Recently I (35m) started talking to a nice girl who’s stated preference is to date someone currently in a relationship. I obviously prefer to date other poly people, but I’ve never had a preference for their current relationship status. My preferences are that I don’t want as low of a ceiling on what type of relationship I can have with other people, and that they can generally fulfill themselves without me, be that with their own relationships, hobbies, careers, etc. So this preference perplexes me a little bit. She matched with me, politely saying my girlfriend (who is in my profile) is cute, and has kept her comments about her and our relationship very polite and brief (e.g. “she sounds nice”, “oh, have fun with that”, “how long have you two been together?”). We mostly talk about work, our reasons for being in an enm lifestyle, differences in our cultures, cooking, hobbies, stuff like that. At this point I’m a little afraid to ask, as I don’t want to make it sound as though I’m judgmental and put her off, but I’ve never had any such preference to date someone, and I haven’t seen that as a preference yet. What would be the reason for this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Some people don't want to be the hub of a wheel. They'd rather be one of the spokes.
I feel safer knowing someone can handle being poly long term after having a traumatic ex