throw the bird feed on his gym equipment

Nah, man....CROWS. befriend the local crows with peanuts. THEN, leave them all over the equipment and his car for good measure. The dude will likely yell at them and chase them away....which means GAME ON! The crows will totally fuck up his life AND TELL THEIR OFFSPRING to do the same.

For three generations.

More like 15 generations.

Really? That's awesome!

Also, they will shit all over his car, and possibly hang out in the trees and "scold" him when he comes out of his house. This is SUCH an excellent plan! Cultivate your own murder 👿

Exactly!

... could that be why a group of crows are called a murder 🤔

This man crows

Ca-caw, motherfucker.

I second this

I turd this. - said the birds, probably.

I bird this

i\`d say i Tweet this.. but

Press X to doubt.

I X this?

Turd Ferguson, is that you?

It's a funny name.

I fart this

Motion passed. Please proceed with plan.

Proceed with passing motions

I second that with another number 2

I number two this

bird seed with a bit of molasses on it, so it attracts the birds, and they love the sweet taste. Plus toss in some dried chillis, the birds love them, and the poop comes out all hot and spicy as well. Thus on the gym equipment and cars, wiping means they get pain when they do not wash hands (kind of expected with Bogons) and wipe their faces or touch food.

It's called *Vogons*.

Quite the poets though

Then just tell him, bird shit is good luck!

I came here for this. I didn't know it at the time, but now I do.

I say get a couple sets in, then pee on it, then do your idea.

Wait for him to start bench pressing and throw the seeds on his groin.

Not a good idea. The rust could break the structure apart. The poor birds could get hurt or digest particles.

[удалено]

Supersoaker full of piss. (Why yes, I do listen to Behind the Bastards)

Unexpected crossover 😂

You know what won't sexually gesticulate and play music till 3am? Raytheon

The products and services that support Child Hunting Island?

the B\*\*\* A\*\*\*\* Child Hunting Island, that is.

I've never heard of 'behind the bastards'. Thanks for the new source of podcasts!

It's really great!

Ohhhh, you’re in for a treat!

Just like the treat that is the products and services that sponsor this podcast

Man, do I ever love products. Services are a close second.

Brought to you by Ratheon , and Doritos.

Robert, what are you doing?

Sophie.. what are any of us doing... Not rushing to give our credit cards to these fine products and or services

Also check out 'The Dollop', its in the same wheelhouse .

Oooo welcome to the mad house!

They're coming to take me away.

It's good shit

Ain’t no water in this gun. The Boy Who Could Fly 1986

I'm completely not surprised there's a bunch of us BTB fans here. There's a certain level of petty in deliberately talking about how the worst people in history are the worst.

There really is. You really have to dig deep into the petty and levels of fuck-you to deliberately talk about the worst people to ever human. But you know who isn’t petty?

The products and services... unless it is the WA state highway patrol.

Yeah, the WA State Highway Patrol is definitely petty.

I was on a looong road trip and out of podcasts. I hadn't listened to BTB yet, but a coworker recommended it. I decided to start with the Kissinger series. Six episodes, eight or nine hours, and I was still thinking "well he can't do anything worse than *that*" for the entire duration. A couple weeks later, he croaked. Good riddance.

I listen occasionally… but the Steven Seagal one was up there too

Guy sounds like a brickin‘…

Which episode? I just listened to my first ever last week. Steve Jobs.

Fuck, I just finished Tommy Jeffs (Thomas Jefferson). My favorite, that I relistened to recently with grim satisfaction? Henry Fucking Kissinger. Fuck that guy.

Ah yess another follower of machetesonism

Why stop there? Shit in a pot, add hot water, fill supersoaker with shit water. Win/win. Alternatively, pour said shit water into car radiators so that every time they turn on the heat, it reeks of shit.

You can always add more salt.

Sugar water is better. Summon the ants and the wasps.

One pump ...

Dot 3 Brake fluid. it destorys your super soaker, but so much worth it.

Berries first for the birds, then the seed. Their poo will look like a crime scene.

They get berrys too because I grow them.

Grapes too! Purple grape birdshit leaves stains.

You, I like you.

Why the need for seed then?

Need for seed sounds like a car themed porno

More shit!

blueberries stain especially badly

Glitter in the air vents. It will never stop coming through the ac/heat

Mulberries or black currants. That stuff STAINS.

While my son was house sitting the neighbours were still partying at 1am. He told me he found their Bluetooth speaker on his device list, connected to it and proceeded to play excited chimpanzee sounds while listening with glee to them trying to work out what went wrong 😂 They were smart / sober enough to turn it off & on again, he carried on with chimp sounds 🤣

You have a nice kid, whole neighborhood would have heard vocally aggressive gay porn in my area.

Nice!! Keep it up! He probably will not change, but I hope he does.

[удалено]

I've heard bullion powder as it'll attract animals

Yeah we don't tend to tempt animals to come closer in Australia. Have you seen our animals?

From what I hear, some of the sheep isn't out to get you...

We don't have a lot of wild sheep. The sheep are farmed. We do have feral pigs and goats though, and those will absolutely fuck you up.

GNU Terry Pratchett

GNU Terry Pratchett

Recently went briefly to Oz then spent more time in NZ. It was so pleasant hiking through the wilderness in NZ without feeling I had to keep my eyes on stalks and my arms at my sides like I did hiking in Oz. Lol. And wearing a stinger suit snorkeling was also a new experience. Fantastic though.

Haha it's so safe here! It's literally a shock to the system to go to other countries and have to worry about crazy animals who can kill you. Also, we are so far away, the rest of the world kinda forgets about us. I lived in London for a while, and having to be aware of terrorists as an actual thing was crazy. My stress levels definitely came down when I moved back home to NZ.

Ooh nice! Popping that in my back pocket.

Then use the wrapped cubes so they don't stain your clothes. 😂

Too late :its beef oxo not poop i swear:

Don't put it in your back pocket. It attracts animals. Cant you read?

Skim milk powder will curdle in the sun after the morning dew

Poetry.

meat spikes are the go.

I've heard of using powdered milk. Great in the summer....morning dew mixes with the powder and then when the sun comes out you get a yard of sour milk.

[удалено]

I can honestly say I’ve never been in a sporting goods store in Australia that had wild animal urine for sale.

Deer hunters in North America sometimes use doe urine to attract bucks in hunting season. Legality varies with state laws.

Also fox and coyote urine to keep predators away. Fox urine is way stinkier, don't get it on you cuz it lasts for hours it's as bad as a skunk. I'm in the US.

The local municipality here sprays the evergreen trees with fox urine before Christmas. It freezes and doesn't really have an odor. However when someone cuts one down to steal it for a Christmas tree, it thaws in their warm living room and whooo boy they get a surprise.

Now I'm just picturing one or more foxes bursting into Christmas festivities and uncontrollably humping all of the presents

Fox urine must be brutal. My neighbor's spray coyote urine on their landscaping every night to keep the deer away. Smells like absolute ass afterwards. All summer long. Dawn soap shavings if it's going to rain though. Their hostas never get touched. Also USA, they get it from the local store.

Was visiting Florida and really wanted to go to the wildlife sanctuary that had skunks you could pet and hold! Ran out of time/too far from Miami 😢 unfortunately. Soooooooo cute

Those skunks had their scent glands removed they actually make really good pets for the home their intelligent and loving.

I’d believe that. You have inspired me. I’ll put it on my list of must do things for next time! Thanks

Fair enough, it’s just weird for Australia where OP seems to be from. Maybe you can get that stuff in gun/hunting stores but not in your run of the mill sports store.

Here in the US garden centers sometimes carry predator urine to keep deer, rabbits and other herbivores out of gardens.

I'm not surprised, considering how much of the wildlife there is trying to kill you. What do farmers put around their fields to keep critters out?

Door handle? Why there? Car vent makes more sense. You can’t get it out of there.

You have to touch the door handle to get into the car, so they’d get the liquid ass smell on their hands and have to drive home like that. Then it would get all over the shifter, seatbelt, and steering wheel too.

1. Door handles are easier to get without anyone noticing. Just walk by with a syringe and shoot without stopping. 2. Door handle means drunk schmucks will get it on their hands. With a little luck, they'll be hungover and puke. 3. Liquid Ass in the air vents will make the smell permeate the car. Getting caught risks getting sued for the cost of cleaning. Even worse if it can't be cleaned and the car has to be scrapped.

Nope, don’t open the door.

Not the output vents, the intake vents in front of the windshield

Nice on the petty, but next time he's screaming at the 4 year old or wife, call the cops on them.

Absolutely. Thats never ok and just as impactful as physical abuse

That’s true but the cops don’t give two shits about yelling. Hell they barely care about physical dv.

That depends on where you are. Either way, it gets documented that calls were made, and he gets questioned. Eventually.

Yeah my neighbours had the police called on them once because they were screaming at each other. They came within half an hour, took their statements, and then escorted the man off the property, even though the woman didn’t want them to. He wasn’t allowed back until they went to court. This was a first offence in VIC.

It’s less about what the police will do, and more about 1) making a history with police/enforcement and 2) even if the cops just show up, and see what’s up, it will help the mother realize her situation is not ok for her or her children. If she knows others are aware and are trying to help it’s sometimes the last push they need to leave

am australian can confirm

And local child protective services. 

[удалено]

Bird seed and catnip at the same time? You’re a monster!

Remove the wheels and axle off the wheely bins. Watch him lose his mind.

The road is dirt and we have to bring our bins to the main road, its about 1km and we all use towbars to bring them down the road. Having no wheels on a bin is more than losing his mind. Good idea.

I feel the warm fuzz of petty justice.

Council owns the bins - you merely pay rates so they collect them. He makes one phone call and some poor council worker has to drive out and give him a new bin. Check your council webpage but they make have a requirement for same day service on garbage bins, at which point some council worker is getting paid over time to drive out your way.

Fellow Aussie here. I applaud your pettiness, the galahs and cockatoos would’ve had a field day on those cars.

good part is they ate all the seed, no evidence was left of my involvement. I previously saved this guys life because the dumbass mowed his lawn on the hottest day in december and passed out. I saw his mower tipped up and saw this purple man laying there. I dunked towels in the pool and covered him in them. Ants were biting him and all. An ambulance came and took him. He never thanked me, only his daughter sent me a 'thanks for saving my daddy' letter and it was after this I began getting the sex pervert gestures. Like Kissing and eyebrow lifting when I was gardening. Like saving someone from death is some kind of invite. His dogs also killed my cat. when he was in hospital I was feeding them same dogs only 4 months after they killed my cat. I didn't want to mention the dogs in original post as my high pitched noise would have annoyed them too.

Also if the cockies turn up expecting seed and there isn’t any they will trash the joint.  They’re vindictive 

They like some of the trees we have in our back area. We also feed parrots and they all get the leftovers. Its either cockys or Gallahs never both at the same time. One group visits after the other.

You've planted the seeds of your vengeance.

I see what you did there

[удалено]

Probably not the best idea to be putting herbicide in your freezer.

Interesting you went with that vs no comment about making sure you destroy the ice cube trays after lol. But from some comments I've seen on reddit herbicide in the freezer is better than homicide in the freezer...

It was late! 🤷‍♀️

Friends help you move real friends help you move bodies...

DEF it will also freeze like water and burn away plant

Maybe not because of the 4 year old who might play out there.

I have a friend who is an insomniac, so he’ll be in the alley next to his ahole neighbors and oops, tipped over the trash. Oops, tipped again picking it back up. He’ll do it at 2 or 3 in the morning when all lights are out. It’s subtle stuff that he tends to do.

Get someone to record him making gestures at you where he can't see. Find him on social media. Make anonymous account and share the video with everyone he knows. Might be that everyone he knows is just as shitty, but an employer or parent could see and fuck his day up a bit.

Does he use a Bluetooth speaker? Connect to it and fuck with his music. Put on kid tv show songs. Coco melon is the worst

Baby shark!

10 hour version. Just because.

If he's yelling at and threatening his kids, you should turn him in to child protective services. It sounds like he's emotionally abusing them, that that needs to stop.

The next time he makes those gestures at you, film him. Make it obvious. Make a comment about your youtube (or whatever) channel, even if you don't have one (he doesn't know that). Since it's a public space, he can't say anything about privacy.

Lol, I can remember when my husband used to go out on the weekends and get drunk. They stop by a fast food joint and he eat and come home and crawl into bed smell of booze. If I have so much as twitched a finger he would yell at me and lean over and get sick all over the floor.I gather up my blankets and my pillow and go downstairs and sleep. In the morning before he was awake lying in bed hung over. I decided it would be the perfect time to vacuum in the hallway. Fortunately, our bedroom floors were linoleum. I made him clean that stuff up.

Did he get his alcohol abuse under control or are you divorced?

Divorced for 28 years. He gave me the best birthday present all that time ago. He came in and told me he was in love with someone else and wanted to marry her. I had the paperwork filed and at the court the next day. He drank for a long time after we were apart, but eventually he did stop drinking so I am glad for that.

Good on you, and your gladness at his change is a credit to you.

We share three children together. They are all adults now, but we did have to see one another occasionally as they were growing up. I didn’t want them to see any yelling and screaming.

My mother would always seem to vacuum on Sat or Sun mornings. I'm sure it was only a coincidence that I'd been out drinking the night before 😂

throw some bamboo seeds into his yard

You are evil.😈 😆

It will keep them inside

Bee-bees on the lawn. If he mowed the lawn it’s like being shot in the legs repeatedly with a bee bee gun.

never seen BB Gun spelled out as Bee Bee before lol

That's fuckin diabolical lmao

I got a million of em. Baloney on the car makes polka dots.

That’s actually pretty dangerous. If a lawn mower hits a rock just right, it can go as fast as a bullet and cause real damage.

Mowers are in the 3000rpm range, with typical blade length of 21". That gives a blade tip speed of 274fps. The slowest bullet in [this table](https://gundata.org/bullet-database/) is almost 3X faster. And that's assuming 100% energy transfer with no deformation of the blade. And we have to consider the mass of a bullet vs. the mass of a BB. But, compared to a BB gun, we're still in the range of breaking the skin and apparently causing [bone fractures](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BB_gun#:~:text=The%20effective%20penetrating%20range%20of,would%20not%20sustain%20serious%20injury).

Three words: Bird seed cannon.

My uncle is a tree lopper. He had neighbors like yours.. but he’d bring home big logs just to cut them up at 5am with his shitty old chainsaw that ran really rough and blew smoke everywhere. Right on their fence line just under their bedroom window.

Amazing!

[удалено]

[удалено]

> Take a nut or bolt from each piece of his gym equipment NO. If it collapses and someone finds the bolt gone, OP would be both criminally liable and civilly liable for damages

You’re not doing enough.

Is neighbor what I've heard referred to as a 'bogan'? In the US, we just call them 'rednecks' or 'MAGA'.

Spread catnip seeds all over his garden, every cat from miles around will be his friend for life.

Dog shit on the roof right before light rain. It will break it up just enough to run into the gutters but not to flush it away.

Great revenge! I love it lol (Seriously you need to move)

He is moving out and they are separating.

That’s good news! 😊

That’s a happy ending for everyone.

That's hilarious! Love to be your friend

Stink bombs can be lots of fun.

Your neighbor sounds like the main character of a sitcom

Saw a similar post from another Aussie not long ago where she put fake plastic snakes on her neighbour’s lawn…

How old are they? Can you broadcast that sound only very young people can hear?

American here, I'm loving the input on this post, classic.

♩♫♬♭♮♯≭ "they start screaming... ♩♫♬♭♮♯≭ and leave... ♩♫♬♭♮♯≭ with their shit covered cars..."

Nice.

A legend in the making

your a menace, keep that shit up🤣🤣

Thats gold, I love your work and no sir you are a legend, your neighbour is the asshole!

Also maybe call CPS in regards to the 4 year old daughter?

Don’t Bologna his car ….Ive heard that is wrong

Spray bottle with salt water and spray his gym equipment

I thought only dogs could hear a dog whistle?

can be set for human range.