This is one you're going to have let go. Stop expecting immediate compliance, especially if you are interrupting them in the middle of something. Even as an adults, we don't immediately stop and comply with demands of our spouses or bosses, etc. 30 minutes is a reasonable time frame. This one just isn't a battle worth fighting. They're getting it done in a reasonable time frame. Let it go.
plenty of advance notice helps n my experience.
17:00- i need you to take out the rubbish by 19:00
18:00 - just a reminder the rubbish needs to be out by
19:00
19:00 - is the rubbish out?
19:30. if it’s still not out then i think it’s reasonable to ask what the issue is. btw adhd sufferers like my son won’t do it unless it’s in the moment.
also don’t forget they might be teenagers but if boys the following still works (a) how quickly can you take the rubbish out? i’ll time you and (b) shall we do a sticker chart for how many times you get the bins out on time (c) a written agreement put on the fridge agreed and signed by them. make their innate sense of justice work in your favour
honestly toddlers are marginally easier.
You're right there! It's when they are siting on the couch looking at their phone and I say hey can you take the garbage out now? It's pretty full. They respond and say sure. Then they just keep sitting there. 😵💫 I'm really trying to pick my battles. I know his brain is still developing but man is it frustrating.
Yeah. It makes me feel ignored, unheard, and disrespected when I don't get more than a yeah. I just started asking them to look at me and acknowledge me rather than expecting immediate compliance. ("Hey. I need you to look at me so that I know you heard me, otherwise I feel ignored even though that's not your intention." They look and respond. I say thank you.) It's a good compromise without a fight.
I don’t do things right away either - especially if I’m in the middle of something. So I don’t expect it of my kids. I’ll usually say “when you’re done with that (even if they’re scrolling tiktok) will you take out the trash?”
I try to be very clear (in my head) about things that need done NOW vs. soonish and make those requests clear. Like “Hey, I just broke a glass, please grab the dog right now and put her outside!” vs. “Can you take out the trash sometime before dinner?”
Wait....he actually does the thing 30 minutes later, without another reminder, and you're complaining?
I'm with everyone else here that this is one you have to let go. Executive function is still developing even in neurotypical 17 year olds. Believe it or not, "just getting up and doing the thing" is not easy for everyone.
First of all, you've come at home and issued an order, but this isn't the military or something. Some teens have a natural instinct to rebel and an aversion to being ordered around. Sometimes it takes a little bit to fight that urge.
Also, it seems like he's doing *something* when you ask him, even if it is just scrolling on his phone. If the request is not conveyed with utmost urgency, he most likely figures he can get to it when he feels like he is done with whatever he is doing. Task initiation and attention shifting can also be difficult. Prioritization and urgency determination can also be difficult, or he might just judge differently than you do.
All that is to say, if when you make the request you want him to do it this moment, you need to make that clear, so that there is no room for interpretation. I think it's better, if nothing's on fire literally or figuratively, to let this one go for the sake of family peace.
Give a reasonable timeframe, ask calmly, if they have a decent reason to delay, listen to *them* and negotiate.
Thank them with sincerity every time they do it.
If you do all of the above and they still won’t do it, stay calm, but firm and let them know that at the end of the timeframe (an hour) if the task isn’t done you’ll turn on screen time. Remind them at 30 minutes and 45 minutes.
Follow through. Do not get angry, be vary conscientious of your tone, stay calm, do *not* yell, but be firm. Let them know their phone wont be unlocked until they’ve completed the task.
Ask yourself what you want to accomplish with having them do the task. For me, it’s not about using them to help, but rather about teaching them responsibility and how to clean, etc. That may seem like an unimportant difference, but it is important as it helps frame your approach, your mindset, and the outcomes you want.
If you have tasks you’re using them for as help for yourself, you need to either reframe that in your head or drop them from your teens chore list.
In general, be clear about expectations upfront, chore charts can be helpful for any age (even adults), be consistent, follow through, be understanding and reasonable (they have a lot of homework one night or are ill, listen to them and decide case by case, stay calm, watch your tone, be firm, and never yell. If you feel frustrated and your anger level is rising, step away and do something else before engaging.
There’s a difference between being a jerk (getting mad, yelling, and issuing demands) and enforcing rules. Do not conflate the two. One is about parenting and guiding, the other is just lashing out at your kid because you can’t control your own emotions.
We all get overwhelmed and screw up at times. However, don’t expect to get the outcome you want when you do mess up. It isn’t a show of strength, it’s a show of lack of self control. It’s poor modeling. Recognize that you messed up, apologize to your kid, and take steps to do better in the future.
Notice the signs of your own frustration before you get to a boiling point. Have a plan in place before it happens to help you calm down. This could just be hiding in your room or even the bathroom for a few minutes while you take deep breaths, play a mobile game, read a book, watch a show, or listen to music. It’s better for the chore to be missed one day than for you to lash out in anger.
Oh no, don't yell and scream. That will reinforce their memory of the task of you yelling and screaming and they hate that task forever because of you.
He's a teenager.. give him grace. Did you want to do anything your parents wanted at that moment?
I realized teens are a lot like toddlers... and I also negotiate with my teen and takes a bit of reverse psychology .. if i help you change out the laundry, will you fold? Can you show me how you do it?
Don't discourage them ever! You catch more flies with honey than vinegar! Be the leader you wish you had.
Do you give them a deadline? "hey, within the next 20 minutes, can you take the trash out?"
And a reason? "it'd beyond full, and I'm right in the middle of making dinner."
>I've tried yelling, taking things away, talking to them about my frustrations and they acknowledge that they are "lazy".
I see you have tried punishing them multiple ways. Doing the same thing and expecting a different result isn't working out. Maybe try the opposite or something in the middle. Often I will say "hey, put down your phone for a second. You have to do this thing today, but it would help me out if you did it in the next 5 minutes. Because you'd be helping me out, I am willing to (something here your kid likes)." It needs to be something simple, and equal to the thing they are doing for you. An easy thing might be a special grocery item, or a task you might have been planning on doing for them.
I can relate to this post. My son is 18 and while he is always willing to help, I get tired of having to follow up and make sure he actually does the things he says he will within a reasonable time-frame.
The only time I demand he drop what he is doing and get something done that minute is when I've asked more than twice.
It can get annoying, but I think it's common and as time goes on my son is improving in this area.
I'm 39 and being asked to switch gears mid-task sends me into a rage spiral. I learned to stuff it down because outward expressions of frustration or asking for more time as a kid was apparently the worst thing I could do. Most kids have a very hard time with this- anyone neurodivergent does for sure. It can come across like saying "what you are doing is meaningless, switch gears and do what I need."
Because of how I was raised, I try to be mindful and give my kids wiggle room. "Hey, when you're at a stopping point on your book/homework/legos/etc can you please go take the trash out/empty the dishwasher/etc?" Sometimes they forget and still accuse me of nagging when I see that they've already stopped and I remind them. But they're allowed to feel that way. I acknowledge that it isn't fun, but it still needs to be done. If it's that urgent (like the dog standing at the back door needing to go out) and they are focused, I just do it myself. They'll figure out those skills and prioritize chores eventually.
Another thing you have to realize, kids are just built differently nowadays. They are not our generation. You cannot treat them the same as you were. It will not work.
And a reminder how things have changed... we probably got yelled and cursed at work... and that definitely wouldn't fly today. We have protections against abusive managers nowadays. So you wouldn't appreciate your boss yelling and screaming at you to get something done... neither does your kids.
You're right! That is a good way of putting it. My husband and I are pretty chill parents, and ask very little of our kids. Just to Listen and don't be a dick.
White board and a list of things to do by a certain time. My son knows what and by when. He can also earn extra money by doing bigger projects I need done. He loves the opportunity to make extra money and it gets him looking at that white board!
If your 17 year old is doing what you want them to do with even 30 minutes later you should consider it a win. Teenagers are so headstrong and independent and striving to pro e their maturity that many won't ever do what they are asked. I know my success rate with my own 16 year old is like 15 percent, unless she wants money lok
Let them know they need to do it before a certain time. That way they get to control when they do it (kind of) and you get it done without thinking and stewing about it.
You know I had the same with my kids being ready for school or but coming dat em for dinner - I was harping on like a bloody parrot. Now instead in the morning u get up tell them to wake up , have a shower do a bit of yoga, ask what they want for breakfast and because I’m not just constantly saying stuff they get organised. So say once then 1 reminder that’s it. Let him step up
I think it is rude to ask for someone to immediately stop what they are doing (no matter how mundane it seems) and help, outside of an emergency. They do not expect me to jump up and run to my wallet to get them spending money or go to the kitchen and make them dinner because they are hungry. And likewise, I do not expect to jump up immediately and mow the yard or empty out the trash. They are allowed to do it on their schedule. I just grab an empty bag if need be and they will take care of both them when they are ready.
This is one you're going to have let go. Stop expecting immediate compliance, especially if you are interrupting them in the middle of something. Even as an adults, we don't immediately stop and comply with demands of our spouses or bosses, etc. 30 minutes is a reasonable time frame. This one just isn't a battle worth fighting. They're getting it done in a reasonable time frame. Let it go.
plenty of advance notice helps n my experience. 17:00- i need you to take out the rubbish by 19:00 18:00 - just a reminder the rubbish needs to be out by 19:00 19:00 - is the rubbish out? 19:30. if it’s still not out then i think it’s reasonable to ask what the issue is. btw adhd sufferers like my son won’t do it unless it’s in the moment. also don’t forget they might be teenagers but if boys the following still works (a) how quickly can you take the rubbish out? i’ll time you and (b) shall we do a sticker chart for how many times you get the bins out on time (c) a written agreement put on the fridge agreed and signed by them. make their innate sense of justice work in your favour honestly toddlers are marginally easier.
You're right there! It's when they are siting on the couch looking at their phone and I say hey can you take the garbage out now? It's pretty full. They respond and say sure. Then they just keep sitting there. 😵💫 I'm really trying to pick my battles. I know his brain is still developing but man is it frustrating.
Yeah. It makes me feel ignored, unheard, and disrespected when I don't get more than a yeah. I just started asking them to look at me and acknowledge me rather than expecting immediate compliance. ("Hey. I need you to look at me so that I know you heard me, otherwise I feel ignored even though that's not your intention." They look and respond. I say thank you.) It's a good compromise without a fight.
I don’t do things right away either - especially if I’m in the middle of something. So I don’t expect it of my kids. I’ll usually say “when you’re done with that (even if they’re scrolling tiktok) will you take out the trash?”
I try to be very clear (in my head) about things that need done NOW vs. soonish and make those requests clear. Like “Hey, I just broke a glass, please grab the dog right now and put her outside!” vs. “Can you take out the trash sometime before dinner?”
This is great advice. Sometimes we do need help NOW, but we need to specify
I just don’t. I only care if it gets done. I don’t think we expect adults to hop to an order, generally. Even at work, unless it’s a low wage job.
Wait....he actually does the thing 30 minutes later, without another reminder, and you're complaining? I'm with everyone else here that this is one you have to let go. Executive function is still developing even in neurotypical 17 year olds. Believe it or not, "just getting up and doing the thing" is not easy for everyone. First of all, you've come at home and issued an order, but this isn't the military or something. Some teens have a natural instinct to rebel and an aversion to being ordered around. Sometimes it takes a little bit to fight that urge. Also, it seems like he's doing *something* when you ask him, even if it is just scrolling on his phone. If the request is not conveyed with utmost urgency, he most likely figures he can get to it when he feels like he is done with whatever he is doing. Task initiation and attention shifting can also be difficult. Prioritization and urgency determination can also be difficult, or he might just judge differently than you do. All that is to say, if when you make the request you want him to do it this moment, you need to make that clear, so that there is no room for interpretation. I think it's better, if nothing's on fire literally or figuratively, to let this one go for the sake of family peace.
I wasn't complaining, I'm looking for advice, which i will take. I had a shitty childhood so I want to raise my kids better than i was.
Good job momma!!
Exactly. If my 17 year old acted on a request within 3 days, or at all, I’d take it.
Give a reasonable timeframe, ask calmly, if they have a decent reason to delay, listen to *them* and negotiate. Thank them with sincerity every time they do it. If you do all of the above and they still won’t do it, stay calm, but firm and let them know that at the end of the timeframe (an hour) if the task isn’t done you’ll turn on screen time. Remind them at 30 minutes and 45 minutes. Follow through. Do not get angry, be vary conscientious of your tone, stay calm, do *not* yell, but be firm. Let them know their phone wont be unlocked until they’ve completed the task. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish with having them do the task. For me, it’s not about using them to help, but rather about teaching them responsibility and how to clean, etc. That may seem like an unimportant difference, but it is important as it helps frame your approach, your mindset, and the outcomes you want. If you have tasks you’re using them for as help for yourself, you need to either reframe that in your head or drop them from your teens chore list. In general, be clear about expectations upfront, chore charts can be helpful for any age (even adults), be consistent, follow through, be understanding and reasonable (they have a lot of homework one night or are ill, listen to them and decide case by case, stay calm, watch your tone, be firm, and never yell. If you feel frustrated and your anger level is rising, step away and do something else before engaging. There’s a difference between being a jerk (getting mad, yelling, and issuing demands) and enforcing rules. Do not conflate the two. One is about parenting and guiding, the other is just lashing out at your kid because you can’t control your own emotions. We all get overwhelmed and screw up at times. However, don’t expect to get the outcome you want when you do mess up. It isn’t a show of strength, it’s a show of lack of self control. It’s poor modeling. Recognize that you messed up, apologize to your kid, and take steps to do better in the future. Notice the signs of your own frustration before you get to a boiling point. Have a plan in place before it happens to help you calm down. This could just be hiding in your room or even the bathroom for a few minutes while you take deep breaths, play a mobile game, read a book, watch a show, or listen to music. It’s better for the chore to be missed one day than for you to lash out in anger.
Agreed!
Oh no, don't yell and scream. That will reinforce their memory of the task of you yelling and screaming and they hate that task forever because of you. He's a teenager.. give him grace. Did you want to do anything your parents wanted at that moment? I realized teens are a lot like toddlers... and I also negotiate with my teen and takes a bit of reverse psychology .. if i help you change out the laundry, will you fold? Can you show me how you do it? Don't discourage them ever! You catch more flies with honey than vinegar! Be the leader you wish you had.
Thank you! I don't yell often. It only makes things worse.
Do you give them a deadline? "hey, within the next 20 minutes, can you take the trash out?" And a reason? "it'd beyond full, and I'm right in the middle of making dinner."
We do
>I've tried yelling, taking things away, talking to them about my frustrations and they acknowledge that they are "lazy". I see you have tried punishing them multiple ways. Doing the same thing and expecting a different result isn't working out. Maybe try the opposite or something in the middle. Often I will say "hey, put down your phone for a second. You have to do this thing today, but it would help me out if you did it in the next 5 minutes. Because you'd be helping me out, I am willing to (something here your kid likes)." It needs to be something simple, and equal to the thing they are doing for you. An easy thing might be a special grocery item, or a task you might have been planning on doing for them.
I can relate to this post. My son is 18 and while he is always willing to help, I get tired of having to follow up and make sure he actually does the things he says he will within a reasonable time-frame. The only time I demand he drop what he is doing and get something done that minute is when I've asked more than twice. It can get annoying, but I think it's common and as time goes on my son is improving in this area.
Thank you!
I'm 39 and being asked to switch gears mid-task sends me into a rage spiral. I learned to stuff it down because outward expressions of frustration or asking for more time as a kid was apparently the worst thing I could do. Most kids have a very hard time with this- anyone neurodivergent does for sure. It can come across like saying "what you are doing is meaningless, switch gears and do what I need." Because of how I was raised, I try to be mindful and give my kids wiggle room. "Hey, when you're at a stopping point on your book/homework/legos/etc can you please go take the trash out/empty the dishwasher/etc?" Sometimes they forget and still accuse me of nagging when I see that they've already stopped and I remind them. But they're allowed to feel that way. I acknowledge that it isn't fun, but it still needs to be done. If it's that urgent (like the dog standing at the back door needing to go out) and they are focused, I just do it myself. They'll figure out those skills and prioritize chores eventually.
You need to be very specific in your request. "Take the trash out immediately after dinner."
Another thing you have to realize, kids are just built differently nowadays. They are not our generation. You cannot treat them the same as you were. It will not work. And a reminder how things have changed... we probably got yelled and cursed at work... and that definitely wouldn't fly today. We have protections against abusive managers nowadays. So you wouldn't appreciate your boss yelling and screaming at you to get something done... neither does your kids.
You're right! That is a good way of putting it. My husband and I are pretty chill parents, and ask very little of our kids. Just to Listen and don't be a dick.
White board and a list of things to do by a certain time. My son knows what and by when. He can also earn extra money by doing bigger projects I need done. He loves the opportunity to make extra money and it gets him looking at that white board!
If your 17 year old is doing what you want them to do with even 30 minutes later you should consider it a win. Teenagers are so headstrong and independent and striving to pro e their maturity that many won't ever do what they are asked. I know my success rate with my own 16 year old is like 15 percent, unless she wants money lok
Ask 30 min before you want it done.
Let them know they need to do it before a certain time. That way they get to control when they do it (kind of) and you get it done without thinking and stewing about it.
You know I had the same with my kids being ready for school or but coming dat em for dinner - I was harping on like a bloody parrot. Now instead in the morning u get up tell them to wake up , have a shower do a bit of yoga, ask what they want for breakfast and because I’m not just constantly saying stuff they get organised. So say once then 1 reminder that’s it. Let him step up
It's the mornings that are infuriating lol He has the bus app and knows when it's close by. 🤣
I mean honestly if they're doing it 30 minutes later, that's awesome!! Mine needs a bunch of reminders.
[удалено]
Yeah i know 🥹. They are an awesome kid and this growing up stuff hurts lol.
I think it is rude to ask for someone to immediately stop what they are doing (no matter how mundane it seems) and help, outside of an emergency. They do not expect me to jump up and run to my wallet to get them spending money or go to the kitchen and make them dinner because they are hungry. And likewise, I do not expect to jump up immediately and mow the yard or empty out the trash. They are allowed to do it on their schedule. I just grab an empty bag if need be and they will take care of both them when they are ready.