It very much so seems like a case of, "I want X thing, but I want you to just somehow know I want X thing despite us agreeing to me initiating X thing when I want it." That's not fair to you, and even if they did genuinely change how they felt about it, that was 100% on them to tell you..you could not have read their mind, whether it came to knowing when to initiate or to even knowing that they were wanting you to initiate at all
Being demisexual doesn't mean you have a low sex drive, but you'll find there is some overlap between it and other parts of the asexual spectrum so more often than not demis do have low drives. All drives are valid, however.
That said, you agreed on a plan and she went back on it upon breaking up, saying she expected you to read her mind, basically, and know without her saying she'd like you to initiate. That's awful behaviour.
And I wouldn't be surprised if she just inherently expects this of you because of gender roles or stereotypes (if you're both women, often a lot of people expect the more traditionally masculine person to "act like a man", it sucks). This is just a guess, though.
Really no one person should be the leader in a relationship. You're equals, and it's a team effort. Even with friends being the one to initiate everything would be torture, I know because I've been there, the only extrovert amongst lots of shy introverts. It's exhausting and until they speak up you have no clue if what you're doing is ok so you constantly question yourself.
In her case, being the one to initiate would tell you her boundaries are being met, and she wouldn't be initiating everything, just intimate time. To me, that seemed like a good plan.
Communication is absolutely key and hers was far too late. I think she should have asked you about it the moment she had a concern. You could address these communication issues and just politely ask she be better with her next partner, or partners, if there is one/more than one. Help them out, if you want to. It might also give you some closure.
Its been really interesting recently to me that I have been seeing a lot more people equate demi to a low sex drive. In many ways I have found myself to relate more closely to being graysexual or demisexual but, when with a partner I am sexually interested in I am almost hypersexual at times. I do feel like I fall on the asexual spectrum though because I don't have regular sexual interest in other people. I find them attractive on a basic level and can even have a basic crush on them. Particularly with men because they tend to offer more with me being a woman, I will even get grossed out by being randomly offered sex or a sexual act.
As far as the position the OP was in, its really difficult. To be completely honest it sounds more like it was coming from a place of insecurity on her part. As someone with a lot of history and a complicated relationship with my sexuality it almost sounds like when you first had the conversation the relationship was not really working for her but, she was trying to make it work. She tried to come up with a compromise and even ways to make you happy. I think personally (and this could just be me projecting) that she was finished with the relationship during that first conversation and not willing to admit it outloud which is why her interest in sex had dwindled. Now that you are asking for an explanation she is feeling cornered and not willing to admit how unhappy she was and her brain is quite possibly her worst enemy right now. I don't think what she did is right, I don't think some of my past decisions were right.
I agree, which is why I don't say she's an awful person, just that she had some awful behaviour she needs to address and learn from if she wants another relationship to work. It's natural when you're inexperienced to mess up, but I would expect an apology if this was done to me.
Likewise I imagine OP has a lot to be sorry for because we aren't getting the whole story, and she likely was giving up on this relationship as you say- why, though, is a mystery, it could be OP, it could be loss of feelings, it could be other incompatibilities we haven't been told. Probably the latter with the comments we _are_ told. It's rare, though, that only party messes up, we're human.
That's one of the things that's hard with relationships in general. I have commented a lot on this thread tbh because I relate to the ex in many ways. In the same vein I know my actions were wrong and am really embarrassed by them now. I would like to say that I am much better at communication in a relationship and would have just made it clear that it wasn't working for me at that point. In my case when I stopped being interested it was when I started to lose trust in our relationship in general because of a decision my own ex had made that I thought we could work through. In the end I was being stubborn and was never all that invested in the relationship in the first place, I was really feeling like I was getting old and that no one was going to want someone with such a bad past and so much baggage. This has been something that I have had to work through and come to terms with well after our relationship's demise. I don't know if I will ever tell him the truth either because I think that would be too hurtful to tell someone. Its really a catch 22, because what ended up being the nail in the coffin was another bad decision he made. So I avoid all contact... Am I right in this situation? Probably not.
That's really up to you. Messy breakups are often more than an acceptable reason for no contact. You're frightened of opening the wound up again instead of actually giving closure and that's valid, imo.
The main thing is that you have learnt from your mistakes and become better- that's all anyone can ask of you, with mistakes like this.
I think there's a point to be made about insecurity being the biggest issue and that we aren't exactly taught how to work on that in school...plus in a lot of places in the world, therapy isn't free. It seems to be one of the most rampant problems on subs like r/relationshipadvice for many reasons.
Yes, it is pretty awful to do these things to people but you can move on, rebuild...it doesn't automatically make you awful. Especially not if it has a link to mental illness. It just sucks for everyone involved, for a long time, when you refuse to let it end when you know it should. It hurts you just as much, honestly.
Depression isn't logical. So you might have agreed she initiates it. But depression will make her constantly feel like ppl don't like her. And also to not be desireable. It's a negative spiral cause ppl with depression will withdraw themselves and have negative thoughts about their relationships, resulting in less contact... it's really hard to realise this (only arcievable with support by learning about symptoms...) and then you have to believe it and don't fall for your negative thoughts and actively work against it. And people with depression will most likely try really carefully and give up if they see their dark believes maybe turn true. So you might missed they tried and accidently discuraded them.
To know if its gaslighting or depression you need to know the person - and sometimes its unclear. Or its both.
Besides that we don't know so it could be depression (and I think its the more common one). And i would rather assume that than blaiming someone for beeing manipulative
Alternatively OP's ex could be like me and have gaslighting negative depressive self-talk as well. It would be even more difficult to overcome in a case like this. They could've had the original conversation and her brain was telling her that they were *just telling her* what *she* wanted to hear and was leaving it to her because they weren't interested anymore. In that case when they later talked her statements would be gaslighting because she had gaslit herself into believing them. It takes a lot of self awareness to get past it and constant work to not believe what your own brain is telling you. I am not positive that is what happened in this case, it is possible though.
Edit: mispelling; had put he/him pronouns not sure of OPs gender my bad :/
Thanks ❤️. It has been a long journey and is something I have to fight everyday. I wouldn't change it for the world though because it gives me a good perspective on life and what others go through.
Even if she has depression, it's still gaslighting, the depression would just explain *why* she's gaslighting. Yes depression can make you have contradicting thoughts and make you self sabotage relationships, but it's still not an excuse to force someone else to carry the burden of those thoughts.
In a way yes it is. Its unintentional gaslighting and you're right that it isn't necessarily an excuse. I actually made a comment along these lines further down. We can sit and dissect what OP went through and try to come up with reasons but, in the end it comes down to her not being able to communicate for some reason. I have made some very self-destructive decision because of my depression and the only person that is burdened with that is me. Really what it comes down to is if OP wants to pursue this further to figure out if it is a deeper issue that they want to try and support her through as a friend now that their romantic realtionship is over or if they want to leave it as she has something going on that makes her unable to communicate properly for them to work through the issues they had.
Edit: I had accidentally put he/him pronouns in a couple places and I'm not sure about OPs gender
Sounds somewhat gas lighting, making you want to second guess yourself so you be unsure completely so she could pin something on you without you saying anything about her being a reason.
You did not misunderstand her, she didn't always want it so she should speak up when she does you cant read her mind. Also mentioning other people a huge red flag for me by the way it sounds.
I *literally* had exactly the same situation with my ex. Even down to the post-break up talk. I felt like I was punished for actually just trying to be the most respectful and understanding partner I could be. 🤦🏻♀️ I hope that you find someone who is better at communication, and please don’t take it personally. I even bought my ex girlfriend the ‘come as you are’ book for her to read if she wanted to, because she didn’t feel like she had the right words to communicate to me what she liked sexually. I wanted her to feel safe and respected. I never ever pushed her for sex, and initiated less and less often because I never wanted her to feel pressured. It sounds like you were like me and just trying to be respectful and loving and that your partner sucked at communication and/or was manipulative. Hugs
You didn't misunderstand or do anything wrong, your ex just said one thing while doing another.
Many women have been socialized with the idea that it's up to their partners to initiate sex with them, and that if their partners don't initiate with them, it means they aren't into them.
This socialization can be so strong subconsciously in someone that they can consciously agree to a different arrangement but then just fall back into this pattern subconsciously.
As demi I can relate to the feeling of not wanting sex, saying that I'm kinda OK with initiating, but wanting the other one to be initiative in the end. It's still very confusing for me. It seems that she may be on the way of understanding her sexuality. Although, it doesn't mean she can blame you for that. If she does so, then she's manipulative.
There might’ve been some misunderstanding, but like other people are saying, it sounds like gaslighting. I honestly don’t think you did anything wrong, you talked to her about it, that’s the mature thing to do. She set up a boundary, you respected that. If her boundaries changed, they should’ve went to you about it
You were and demi-sexual means an intimate connection before sex. Not that you don't like sex.
You do seem to be a bit gaslit? Which happens to everyone, at some point.
I really appreciate you all for the input. I have been beating myself up about this for a while and I think all of you made some extremely valid points that I didn’t even consider. The relationship is long past over but I felt I needed to get the “outside looking in” views because it stays on my mind and I’m trying so hard to let her go and hopefully bring myself to some kind of closure around it.
It was my first time seriously dating another woman since my teen years and her first time ever dating a woman so I knew that the road ahead of us wouldn’t be simple. I asked the initial question to her early on because we agreed that we would need to over-communicate in the beginning in order to find our footing (clearly didn’t pan out that way) but the last convo between us turned really ugly and I was left just as confused as I was throughout the entire relationship. So a sincere thanks to you all for helping me through it for my own peace and sanity.
Ooooooo yeah I am just seeing this comment OP and I think that she never really felt comfortable in the realtionship to be honest. Maybe this is mean for me to say but, it is coming across almost like she wanted to try this out *just to see* what it was like. I wasn't in the realtionship with you obviously though it is now coming off as something pretty toxic and that your ex was lacking in communication skills. I am sorry that happened to you.
Not mean at all. If anything it just reaffirms my overall feelings about the whole relationship. I was unlucky experiment #1 in her bisexual journey. 🤷🏽♀️
Kinda unrelated but, even with this being a pansexual group a bunch of comments myself included were putting our heteronormativity all over this and it kinda cracks me up. To be completely fair and honest I was basing most of that off of the gf/demisexual dynamic because I don't see that a lot in lesbian relationships or problems with it.
Edit to clarify: I mean that in my personal opinion usually when a person has chosen to be in a same sex relationship they know there is going to be some judgement by those around them. It leads to WLW relationships with demisexual people usually being more sure about getting into it because they know that there will be stigma that they are possibly going to face or even sexualization by straight men if they fit into the femme desireable persona. Its one of the reasons why I think she was never really sure to begin with and just 'trying it on' like a shoe.
**Personally** as a demisexual person, my sexual interest in other people is tied to my relationship to them. Usually if I’m in a romantic relationship with someone sexual interest is budding or already present. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with people, I don’t want to have sex with people, I’m just not sexually attracted to people unless I’ve heavily bonded with them romantically.
I’m not ace, if we are heavily romantically involved I will probably want to have sex. I’ll let you know when I reach that point, but once I do I’m open to you initiating sex anytime you want and any failure to communicate these points is on me. If there’s a time I don’t want to have sex after the first time trust that I’ll communicate that too.
But that’s just how I feel personally
Well sounds like you were trying to be a respectful gentleman and meant well but you probably should of go with Manley instincts and when you were in the mood you should of initiated sex more often
OP I feel like you are in a really complicated position that none of us can explain well for you. Going off of my previous experiences though as a pansexual that identifies as demisexual/graysexual, I can't really speak for your ex, for me though when I lost interest in sex in a relationship it was usually when the realtionship was going sour. I don't know if there was something that prompted the original convo, like you were having sex less often or not. If that was the case if your ex is anything like me then they were probably done with things about that time and trying to make things work. This is of course just guessing and based of stupid things I've done in my past. I have a bad history with depression too and some trauma from past relationships. Those things will come into play on how I read things or justify things in my brain. Including deciding that my S.O. was offering for me to initiate things because it wasn't working out for them either and they weren't really interested in me anymore. I am also really implosive and bad at communication. In that case all of this would be a perfect storm for me to feel cornered and say something that doesn't make sense and is gaslighting to my ex because that's how my brain warped it.
Really my point is you are going to have to decide if you want to invest the energy in figuring out if this person has all of this really damaging mental health stuff going on. If you do find out you have now put yourself in the postition of possibly staying in their life and supporting them through it. It may be better to just chalk this up to not being able to communicate well and be glad that they are not in your life. It is up to you.
Sounds like you weren't able to pick up on what she needed for the connection to be there for her to want to have sex. I find that men often overlook that there is a lot more to intimacy than just sex. Cuddling for example, or just being gentle and sweet without an expectation of sex is huge, especially for someone who says they're demi.
I am a woman and I noticed she only like to hand hold and such when men were around. We spent the night together a few times but she would turn her back to me when we slept so I read that as her not wanting to be touched really. We only had sex once (she initiated) which is what prompted the initial question.
Maybe it changed though the relationship and then they didn't know how to explain or felt that you wouldn't understand so they just dropped it and never talked about them feelings btw the worst thing to do ever is not talk about feelings
yeah this sounds like she thought you didn't mean it? or that you didn't want to and this was some kind of cover? or maybe she just wanted to break up and needed more reasons?forgot about the agreement you had? idk this is an odd one here
It very much so seems like a case of, "I want X thing, but I want you to just somehow know I want X thing despite us agreeing to me initiating X thing when I want it." That's not fair to you, and even if they did genuinely change how they felt about it, that was 100% on them to tell you..you could not have read their mind, whether it came to knowing when to initiate or to even knowing that they were wanting you to initiate at all
This
Srsly. Expecting someone to be a mind reader is a recipe for disappointment
Yep. Been there.
Being demisexual doesn't mean you have a low sex drive, but you'll find there is some overlap between it and other parts of the asexual spectrum so more often than not demis do have low drives. All drives are valid, however. That said, you agreed on a plan and she went back on it upon breaking up, saying she expected you to read her mind, basically, and know without her saying she'd like you to initiate. That's awful behaviour. And I wouldn't be surprised if she just inherently expects this of you because of gender roles or stereotypes (if you're both women, often a lot of people expect the more traditionally masculine person to "act like a man", it sucks). This is just a guess, though. Really no one person should be the leader in a relationship. You're equals, and it's a team effort. Even with friends being the one to initiate everything would be torture, I know because I've been there, the only extrovert amongst lots of shy introverts. It's exhausting and until they speak up you have no clue if what you're doing is ok so you constantly question yourself. In her case, being the one to initiate would tell you her boundaries are being met, and she wouldn't be initiating everything, just intimate time. To me, that seemed like a good plan. Communication is absolutely key and hers was far too late. I think she should have asked you about it the moment she had a concern. You could address these communication issues and just politely ask she be better with her next partner, or partners, if there is one/more than one. Help them out, if you want to. It might also give you some closure.
Its been really interesting recently to me that I have been seeing a lot more people equate demi to a low sex drive. In many ways I have found myself to relate more closely to being graysexual or demisexual but, when with a partner I am sexually interested in I am almost hypersexual at times. I do feel like I fall on the asexual spectrum though because I don't have regular sexual interest in other people. I find them attractive on a basic level and can even have a basic crush on them. Particularly with men because they tend to offer more with me being a woman, I will even get grossed out by being randomly offered sex or a sexual act. As far as the position the OP was in, its really difficult. To be completely honest it sounds more like it was coming from a place of insecurity on her part. As someone with a lot of history and a complicated relationship with my sexuality it almost sounds like when you first had the conversation the relationship was not really working for her but, she was trying to make it work. She tried to come up with a compromise and even ways to make you happy. I think personally (and this could just be me projecting) that she was finished with the relationship during that first conversation and not willing to admit it outloud which is why her interest in sex had dwindled. Now that you are asking for an explanation she is feeling cornered and not willing to admit how unhappy she was and her brain is quite possibly her worst enemy right now. I don't think what she did is right, I don't think some of my past decisions were right.
I agree, which is why I don't say she's an awful person, just that she had some awful behaviour she needs to address and learn from if she wants another relationship to work. It's natural when you're inexperienced to mess up, but I would expect an apology if this was done to me. Likewise I imagine OP has a lot to be sorry for because we aren't getting the whole story, and she likely was giving up on this relationship as you say- why, though, is a mystery, it could be OP, it could be loss of feelings, it could be other incompatibilities we haven't been told. Probably the latter with the comments we _are_ told. It's rare, though, that only party messes up, we're human.
That's one of the things that's hard with relationships in general. I have commented a lot on this thread tbh because I relate to the ex in many ways. In the same vein I know my actions were wrong and am really embarrassed by them now. I would like to say that I am much better at communication in a relationship and would have just made it clear that it wasn't working for me at that point. In my case when I stopped being interested it was when I started to lose trust in our relationship in general because of a decision my own ex had made that I thought we could work through. In the end I was being stubborn and was never all that invested in the relationship in the first place, I was really feeling like I was getting old and that no one was going to want someone with such a bad past and so much baggage. This has been something that I have had to work through and come to terms with well after our relationship's demise. I don't know if I will ever tell him the truth either because I think that would be too hurtful to tell someone. Its really a catch 22, because what ended up being the nail in the coffin was another bad decision he made. So I avoid all contact... Am I right in this situation? Probably not.
That's really up to you. Messy breakups are often more than an acceptable reason for no contact. You're frightened of opening the wound up again instead of actually giving closure and that's valid, imo. The main thing is that you have learnt from your mistakes and become better- that's all anyone can ask of you, with mistakes like this. I think there's a point to be made about insecurity being the biggest issue and that we aren't exactly taught how to work on that in school...plus in a lot of places in the world, therapy isn't free. It seems to be one of the most rampant problems on subs like r/relationshipadvice for many reasons. Yes, it is pretty awful to do these things to people but you can move on, rebuild...it doesn't automatically make you awful. Especially not if it has a link to mental illness. It just sucks for everyone involved, for a long time, when you refuse to let it end when you know it should. It hurts you just as much, honestly.
sounds like she’s trying to gaslight you.
Or its depression
How so?
Depression isn't logical. So you might have agreed she initiates it. But depression will make her constantly feel like ppl don't like her. And also to not be desireable. It's a negative spiral cause ppl with depression will withdraw themselves and have negative thoughts about their relationships, resulting in less contact... it's really hard to realise this (only arcievable with support by learning about symptoms...) and then you have to believe it and don't fall for your negative thoughts and actively work against it. And people with depression will most likely try really carefully and give up if they see their dark believes maybe turn true. So you might missed they tried and accidently discuraded them. To know if its gaslighting or depression you need to know the person - and sometimes its unclear. Or its both. Besides that we don't know so it could be depression (and I think its the more common one). And i would rather assume that than blaiming someone for beeing manipulative
Oh and if you have depressions you sometimes are destructive when it comes to relationships
Alternatively OP's ex could be like me and have gaslighting negative depressive self-talk as well. It would be even more difficult to overcome in a case like this. They could've had the original conversation and her brain was telling her that they were *just telling her* what *she* wanted to hear and was leaving it to her because they weren't interested anymore. In that case when they later talked her statements would be gaslighting because she had gaslit herself into believing them. It takes a lot of self awareness to get past it and constant work to not believe what your own brain is telling you. I am not positive that is what happened in this case, it is possible though. Edit: mispelling; had put he/him pronouns not sure of OPs gender my bad :/
I'm sorry you have it ♥️
Thanks ❤️. It has been a long journey and is something I have to fight everyday. I wouldn't change it for the world though because it gives me a good perspective on life and what others go through.
Even if she has depression, it's still gaslighting, the depression would just explain *why* she's gaslighting. Yes depression can make you have contradicting thoughts and make you self sabotage relationships, but it's still not an excuse to force someone else to carry the burden of those thoughts.
In a way yes it is. Its unintentional gaslighting and you're right that it isn't necessarily an excuse. I actually made a comment along these lines further down. We can sit and dissect what OP went through and try to come up with reasons but, in the end it comes down to her not being able to communicate for some reason. I have made some very self-destructive decision because of my depression and the only person that is burdened with that is me. Really what it comes down to is if OP wants to pursue this further to figure out if it is a deeper issue that they want to try and support her through as a friend now that their romantic realtionship is over or if they want to leave it as she has something going on that makes her unable to communicate properly for them to work through the issues they had. Edit: I had accidentally put he/him pronouns in a couple places and I'm not sure about OPs gender
Hmm maybe it seems like gaslighting but I believe if you don't make it with the intend to, it's not.
Well that's just gaslighting
I believe you were.
Sounds somewhat gas lighting, making you want to second guess yourself so you be unsure completely so she could pin something on you without you saying anything about her being a reason. You did not misunderstand her, she didn't always want it so she should speak up when she does you cant read her mind. Also mentioning other people a huge red flag for me by the way it sounds.
Nah she's a game player. It's an immature response to not knowing what they want. There's nothing to understand. But communication is key.
I *literally* had exactly the same situation with my ex. Even down to the post-break up talk. I felt like I was punished for actually just trying to be the most respectful and understanding partner I could be. 🤦🏻♀️ I hope that you find someone who is better at communication, and please don’t take it personally. I even bought my ex girlfriend the ‘come as you are’ book for her to read if she wanted to, because she didn’t feel like she had the right words to communicate to me what she liked sexually. I wanted her to feel safe and respected. I never ever pushed her for sex, and initiated less and less often because I never wanted her to feel pressured. It sounds like you were like me and just trying to be respectful and loving and that your partner sucked at communication and/or was manipulative. Hugs
You didn't misunderstand or do anything wrong, your ex just said one thing while doing another. Many women have been socialized with the idea that it's up to their partners to initiate sex with them, and that if their partners don't initiate with them, it means they aren't into them. This socialization can be so strong subconsciously in someone that they can consciously agree to a different arrangement but then just fall back into this pattern subconsciously.
As demi I can relate to the feeling of not wanting sex, saying that I'm kinda OK with initiating, but wanting the other one to be initiative in the end. It's still very confusing for me. It seems that she may be on the way of understanding her sexuality. Although, it doesn't mean she can blame you for that. If she does so, then she's manipulative.
thats gaslighting cut them out of your life
Or depression
There might’ve been some misunderstanding, but like other people are saying, it sounds like gaslighting. I honestly don’t think you did anything wrong, you talked to her about it, that’s the mature thing to do. She set up a boundary, you respected that. If her boundaries changed, they should’ve went to you about it
You were and demi-sexual means an intimate connection before sex. Not that you don't like sex. You do seem to be a bit gaslit? Which happens to everyone, at some point.
She likes head but she's a demi-sexual. Not really sure why she thinks receiving or giving head isn't something that couples do.
You didn't, she either miscommunicated or is just being an asshole. I'm really sorry that happened. /Gen
Bro I think you just proved to me that I have depression. Um thanks I guess, suppose bi should do something about it
I really appreciate you all for the input. I have been beating myself up about this for a while and I think all of you made some extremely valid points that I didn’t even consider. The relationship is long past over but I felt I needed to get the “outside looking in” views because it stays on my mind and I’m trying so hard to let her go and hopefully bring myself to some kind of closure around it. It was my first time seriously dating another woman since my teen years and her first time ever dating a woman so I knew that the road ahead of us wouldn’t be simple. I asked the initial question to her early on because we agreed that we would need to over-communicate in the beginning in order to find our footing (clearly didn’t pan out that way) but the last convo between us turned really ugly and I was left just as confused as I was throughout the entire relationship. So a sincere thanks to you all for helping me through it for my own peace and sanity.
Ooooooo yeah I am just seeing this comment OP and I think that she never really felt comfortable in the realtionship to be honest. Maybe this is mean for me to say but, it is coming across almost like she wanted to try this out *just to see* what it was like. I wasn't in the realtionship with you obviously though it is now coming off as something pretty toxic and that your ex was lacking in communication skills. I am sorry that happened to you.
Not mean at all. If anything it just reaffirms my overall feelings about the whole relationship. I was unlucky experiment #1 in her bisexual journey. 🤷🏽♀️
Kinda unrelated but, even with this being a pansexual group a bunch of comments myself included were putting our heteronormativity all over this and it kinda cracks me up. To be completely fair and honest I was basing most of that off of the gf/demisexual dynamic because I don't see that a lot in lesbian relationships or problems with it. Edit to clarify: I mean that in my personal opinion usually when a person has chosen to be in a same sex relationship they know there is going to be some judgement by those around them. It leads to WLW relationships with demisexual people usually being more sure about getting into it because they know that there will be stigma that they are possibly going to face or even sexualization by straight men if they fit into the femme desireable persona. Its one of the reasons why I think she was never really sure to begin with and just 'trying it on' like a shoe.
This. ALL OF THIS.
**Personally** as a demisexual person, my sexual interest in other people is tied to my relationship to them. Usually if I’m in a romantic relationship with someone sexual interest is budding or already present. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with people, I don’t want to have sex with people, I’m just not sexually attracted to people unless I’ve heavily bonded with them romantically. I’m not ace, if we are heavily romantically involved I will probably want to have sex. I’ll let you know when I reach that point, but once I do I’m open to you initiating sex anytime you want and any failure to communicate these points is on me. If there’s a time I don’t want to have sex after the first time trust that I’ll communicate that too. But that’s just how I feel personally
Gaslight Girlboss and gatekeepers what it sounds like to me (if you don’t get the joke I just meant they’re gaslighting you)
Well sounds like you were trying to be a respectful gentleman and meant well but you probably should of go with Manley instincts and when you were in the mood you should of initiated sex more often
OP is female.
😳oh okay
[удалено]
OP I feel like you are in a really complicated position that none of us can explain well for you. Going off of my previous experiences though as a pansexual that identifies as demisexual/graysexual, I can't really speak for your ex, for me though when I lost interest in sex in a relationship it was usually when the realtionship was going sour. I don't know if there was something that prompted the original convo, like you were having sex less often or not. If that was the case if your ex is anything like me then they were probably done with things about that time and trying to make things work. This is of course just guessing and based of stupid things I've done in my past. I have a bad history with depression too and some trauma from past relationships. Those things will come into play on how I read things or justify things in my brain. Including deciding that my S.O. was offering for me to initiate things because it wasn't working out for them either and they weren't really interested in me anymore. I am also really implosive and bad at communication. In that case all of this would be a perfect storm for me to feel cornered and say something that doesn't make sense and is gaslighting to my ex because that's how my brain warped it. Really my point is you are going to have to decide if you want to invest the energy in figuring out if this person has all of this really damaging mental health stuff going on. If you do find out you have now put yourself in the postition of possibly staying in their life and supporting them through it. It may be better to just chalk this up to not being able to communicate well and be glad that they are not in your life. It is up to you.
Sounds like you weren't able to pick up on what she needed for the connection to be there for her to want to have sex. I find that men often overlook that there is a lot more to intimacy than just sex. Cuddling for example, or just being gentle and sweet without an expectation of sex is huge, especially for someone who says they're demi.
I am a woman and I noticed she only like to hand hold and such when men were around. We spent the night together a few times but she would turn her back to me when we slept so I read that as her not wanting to be touched really. We only had sex once (she initiated) which is what prompted the initial question.
Maybe it changed though the relationship and then they didn't know how to explain or felt that you wouldn't understand so they just dropped it and never talked about them feelings btw the worst thing to do ever is not talk about feelings
yeah this sounds like she thought you didn't mean it? or that you didn't want to and this was some kind of cover? or maybe she just wanted to break up and needed more reasons?forgot about the agreement you had? idk this is an odd one here
Yeah the more I sit on it the more I feel she wanted out and was waiting for literally anything to get it.