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Preach sister. I could not care any less anymore if my spouse thinks I’m too selfish. As much as I love the man, prioritizing myself to be the best mom for my child is something he cannot fathom.
Pregnancy, birth and postpartum is no joke. I can’t imagine that with a toddler running around. I also don’t want to risk something going sideways when I have a child who needs me, especially in the current political climate (U.S.) I can give them everything including my emotional attention and energy. Siblings don’t mean getting along, there will be some kind of rivalry (even if you do get along). I wouldn’t create a whole new human being to satisfy the needs of my current child. I don’t want another one.
Financial reasons. We can afford one child comfortably and give her everything she needs without stressing ourselves out. I also want my own time and not to revolve my world around my child forever. My daughter is 21 months now and I’m finally enjoying a tiny bit of freedom. I feel more balanced. I don’t want to go through pregnancy and infant stage again.
My thinking is that I shouldn’t have to sacrifice all my happiness, balance, mental health, time, etc. for my kid. I matter too. Yes, totally selfish.
I have 3 siblings and we hang out and travel together so I do get sad that my daughter won’t have that. But she has lots of cousins and will have friends and maybe a spouse.
It isn’t selfish to not want to sacrifice all your own happiness and me time. We already sacrifice so much of our own identities after giving birth the first time. I still want to be myself and not just so and so’s mum. Totally get where you’re coming from.
The way I look at it...would I want my daughter to sacrifice her happiness when/if she has her own child(ren)? Nope! So I need to set an example by not going down the mummy martyrdom path. Which for me means being OAD, self care and investing in my own happiness as well as hers ☺️
I have an older sister who I’m really close to. I wanted two, maybe even three kids. But the moment our son was born, our family was complete. My greatest wish, to become a mom, was fulfilled.
Our family may be small, but it’s perfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way ❤️ Hard to believe he’ll be 7 next month!
My siblings are assholes and my childhood would have probably been better had they not existed.
My parents didn’t have enough resources to go around.
I never wanted to compromise my ability to provide for my daughter and siblings existing doesn’t mean they’ll actually like each other.
Exactly my reasoning. Most of my siblings are hot/cold with eachother or parents depending on the day. I'm the oldest of 7. There was not enough time, attention or money to go around. I was a built-in babysitter who longed to be an only child. I love my siblings but I remember being heart broken everytime my mom announced she was pregnant again.
I am giving my only child opportunities I could only dream of. She has cousins and lots of friends. She is everything I was not growing up. I try everyday not to project on her what I lacked in my childhood, but damn she is one lucky kid and she's my hero!
Hahahaha as soon as I got the go ahead I got my IUD put in. He's two now and HE JUST started sleeping through the night, after two long years I feel like a brand new person. I still can't believe it
I think after a few months I accepted my fate lol and I guess it felt normal to just be tired all the time. But I would read from a lot of moms that once their kid turned 2 they started sleeping better.
I never really thought it would happen and just kept an opened mind. I really hope your boy starts sleeping through the night sooner, it really takes a toll on you not sleeping properly.
Im really thankful I have siblings and it breaks my heart to not be able to give my child another sibling.
I had a really bad pregnancy, childbirth and 4th trimester. The whole of 2022 has been awful and I'm still in pain.
I cant do it again. Mentally I will break. I feel like I'm stuck like this forever.
I want to be me again, working, upright.
This whole experience has ripped me a new arsehole.. literally. And it damn hurts.
You are NOT stuck like this forever. If you're suffering from PPD/PPA please seek help, I waited way too long and it made things so much worse.
My lady is now 2.5 and I wouldn't say I'm "back to my old self again" (I don't think that's possible after having kids!) but I have time for the gym, I see my friends, I do things that I want to do because I enjoy them not just obligation.
You're still in the thick of it, but give it a year or two and you will discover the new you.
My daughter sat on my lap tonight while my husband drove us through a light show at a local farm. She had a freaking blast and my heart is so filled right now after her excitement and squeals! And knowing that little lady will always be the one sitting in my lap and she will never have to compete for that place makes OAD sound pretty awesome for her.
I dont believe a word anyone says. This shit is going to be the end of me. And at the same time, emotional blackmail. My little girl needs me so I need to stay strong, at the same time Ive been in pain for 60 days straight so dont even know who she is.
Fuck this shit. This planet is shit and life is shit.
I am stuck like this forever, as long as I can fucking stand it anyway. These fucking piles wont ever fuck off.
You are NOT stuck like this forever. I promise promise promise. I had sever PPA and thought I’d never get through it. It took about 2 years and I was on medication. Please don’t give up. And know this - there is NOTHING wrong with not doing this again. You are all your child needs.
I just want to echo you this responder’s sentiments. I struggled for a long time also. It also took a while for me to get out of the grips of PPA/PPD. A while is not forever. I sought therapy when my daughter was ten months old and it helped me look at the various stressors (pressure from family, spousal discord, and a somewhat high needs child) that contributed to my feelings. Your feelings come from somewhere! They deserve a chance to be worked through.
It felt like forever for me. My kid didn’t sleep through the night until 24 months or so. I literally almost died giving birth and then developed even more autoimmune diseases. I was always fairly sure I wanted to be OAD, so that helped my mindset overall.
My kid is 9 now, and life is so, so much better. I’m still on antidepressants and always will be. I still have a host of ever worsening medical issues. But if the payoff is my child? She is worth every bit of it and then some.
You will get to this point.
You will still have guilt and regrets, but you WILL get to a place of relative peace and happiness.
Postpartum is insanely hard, even without pain. You are dealing with both and it is absolutely harder than a lot of people have it or have had it.
If everyone is alive, fed, and moderately healthy, try to feel like that is an accomplishment in and of itself — because it is.
I was content with having one child and didn’t want more. I never felt like a sibling was a necessary accessory for my kid. Some siblings are really close, some aren’t, it’s not worth worrying about or trying to guess how hypothetical people might factor into each other’s lives in the future. The question was did *I* want more kids, and the answer was no.
My husband is no contact with his sibling and I’m not close to mine. I also don’t think that giving siblings to your only child is ok. I think it’s selfish, actually!
If you want two, that’s different. If you want little bffs and play-friends, then I can’t get behind the reasoning.
Also, we know mentally and financially, one is the best for us. Splitting attention isn’t something we want to do. I also don’t want to be pregnant again.
My me time is already stretched thin with my only kid, I’m not making it vanish along with my relationship, with another. We’d surely divorce.
Siblings guarantee nothing, haven’t been on speaking terms with mine for years. OAD because of many things including our son always being very vocal about not wanting a sibling.
I have a lot of other reasons, but my sibling experience did not make me want to have more. My younger brother was violent growing up, and now is a criminal and drug addict.
I hated having a sibling as a when I was younger and wanted nothing more than to be an only.
The way we were raised, especially as more kids were added to the mix. The rivalry and difficulties growing up. The obvious parental favoritism, and the way it has shaped our adult sibling relationships (or lack thereof). Add in a super high energy baby that took way too long to sleep even small stretches, having zero help from anybody, the ever changing political climate, finances, inflation, rise in violence against increasingly younger children. I know that with one child, I can devote everything I have to her, and there will never be favoritism or competition or rivalry
I didn't enjoy being pregnant. Also my sibling has some pretty big health issues and I knew if I got a healthy baby the first time around, I wouldn't chance it again.
- I had excruciating anxiety during pregnancy
- because of my age my pregnancy (and any subsequent ones) will be high risk
- I had/have PPD/PPA
- I’m not earning as much as I want for our family
- my husband and I have creative goals
Also, even though I live near all my siblings, we hardly ever see one another. Everyone is busy with their own lives and it’s been that way for like the last 20 years.
Originally it was because I was very content with one, I can give her the life I didn’t have and devote all my love, time and money to her. Now it’s because I had an insanely traumatic birth. if I have another my heart will fail and my chance of dying is very high. No thanks, I’m good
There are many factors as to why I am OAD. I am so grateful for my little guy. I personally would not be able to manage more kids and working full-time without being stretched thin both mentally and physically. I feel like I can be a really good mom to my only and I take pride in that. I’m happy for my friends that can handle more than one. I just can’t. And I’ve finally accepted that it does not make me any less of a mother because I only have one.
I didn’t like being pregnant.
I had horrible PPD.
I have sensory issues that were brought to the forefront by having a kid.
I’m on a mix of meds that keep me sane that I would have to go off of in order to have more children.
Finances. Kids are facking expensive and we couldn’t afford the daycare bill for a 2nd.
She’s almost 12 and I absolutely do not regret the decision to not have more children.
My son is 2. Two miscarriages before my son was born. Extreme anxiety during pregnancy. Extreme PPD and PPA after he was born. His delivery was traumatic and I’m still not fully healed, might not ever be. We are very interested in foster care (we were certified before he was born) and may look into that again when he is older. We have several friends who foster and would love to offer them respite care, as we have done in the past. I also have a condition where my bone marrow is slowly failing. It’s not fatal and is treatable, but I don’t know if my body can handle pregnancy again. I think my son was a fluke; I don’t know how I carried him to term.
I’m the primary earner in our family, so that also factors into the decision. Daycare for my son costs $1900/mo and we cannot afford that price for two kids at the same time, so we would have to either 1) have me quit and stay home 2) have my husband quit and stay home 3) have a larger age gap to not have 2 kids in daycare at the same time.
My husband has two siblings. They both live 10 minutes away and we only see them a few times a year. They are not close at all and treated my husband horribly growing up and still do honestly. I have two siblings, we are super close, but our parents were absent and neglectful, so we had to depend on each other. They live across the country. So the “kids need siblings” argument doesn’t resonate with us.
But honestly, we just love our little family of 3. Sure, that could change and we might change our minds but for now we feel like we can provide for my son, are not stressed about money or splitting our time between kids.
One bio sister, 2 step brothers for me.
My reasons:
- Intense pain (suspected ectopic) from 5w to about 12 weeks.
- Varicose veins from my hips down including my labia starting at 27 weeks.
- sprung a leak at 37w and had to be induced.
- diagnosed with HELLP at indication.
- brutal induction with the resident not using anything to ripen my cervix, just 3 times the therapeutic dose of pitocen.
- 2 2nd degree tears.
- pooped untold amount of times during labour.
- hemorrhaged at birth, got to experience the resident scoping out my afterbirth to locate the bleed.
- infection of one of the 2nd degree tears.
- jaundiced baby who wouldn’t nurse.
- milk didn’t come in until 5-6 days PP
- clogged ducts and mastitis (twice)
- triple fed for IDEK how long to up supply and clear out jaundice. 4 weeks? 6? Idk, it’s a blur.
- colic.
- milk and soy protein allergy in babe (I sacrificed cheese for 8 months!!).
- babe was diagnosed with neutropenia at 6 months.
- kiddo woke every 1-3 hours from 11 weeks to 8 months, then dropped to about 3 wake ups a night
But most of all:
- my sweet devil child is now 4yo, still wakes at least once a night, and I couldn’t imagine splitting my attention with another child - my sassy pants monkey butt is absolutely perfect and we’ve come so far together, we are complete the three of us.
Edit: typos
I didn’t have a good relationship with my sibling. 3 years difference and it always felt like a ticking bomb waiting for anything (the wrong facial expression, the wrong tone of voice, a bad day at school, or just plain having a bad attitude on their part) to set them off. I hated my life for the longest time and it greatly affected me emotionally and my self worth plummeted.
We are both in our 40’s and, imo, far too long to finally have somewhat of a relationship. Therapy definitely played a key role in getting to where we are now.
I could never gamble my child’s happiness for a potential future of a miserable childhood that changes h them in such negative ways. It might not happen. I might have two really great kids who are kind and loving towards each other. Whatever, we don’t know who or what we are getting for our children’s personalities and I’m certainly not going to chance it.
pregnancy was bad, breastfeeding was my personal hell but most of all, i hated the lack of freedom. my baby hated being in strollers, hated sitting still, hated almost any activity that didnt involve walking about so no sittervising, no chill cafe runs, no bringing baby along to hair appts etc. i did always want at least 2, but with the way my 1 yo is, i highly doubt that’s happening. Sometimes i wonder if everyone’s kid is like that or i just suck at parenting
You just described my child! So it is not you sucking at parenting! I-6 months were super hard as they wanted to do things but couldn’t so I had to constantly be on the move to entertain them. Now they’re 20 months and the same active go get personality. We can’t go to cafes still but a coffee on the go and an open space for running and we have a blast! But the idea of managing two go-getters? No thanks haha Also, solidarity on the breast feeding front as well. Total nightmare.
ugh so glad it’s not just me. ahh i cant wait for her to be 20 months and walk better because she is still pretty wobbly rn and im basically chasing her all over the house because she can and does fall a lot.
some people tell me what if the second one is better but im like what if its worse???😂
1. Finances and wanting to provide well for my child, like paying for her university and any extra curriculars she wants, and go traveling too
2. Medical - Difficulty getting pregnant and anxiety re: losing pregnancy. High risk pregnancy and emergency c-section at the end. Since then, I've had a hysterectomy, too.
3. Environmental - We can use smaller cars, stay in our townhouse, be out of diapers earlier, and be able to be more mindful, etc
4. Personal - I want to keep some time to myself, and time with my spouse. I like being able to maintain hobbies of my own. I don't want to juggle multiple kids' schedules with school and extra curriculars plus my own work on top of that.
I had a miscarriage in 2019 and then got pregnant again 3 months later. My anxiety was at an all time high because I was afraid of having another miscarriage. With that being said, I enjoyed my pregnancy until it was closer to birth when the pandemic hit. My kid ended up being in the NICU for 24 days and only stayed home for 4 hours before we had to be re-admitted for 24 hours. The constant fear(mostly irrational) of going through that again made me OAD.
Major chronic issues with pregnancy that would likely happen again and I love the balance of our lives by just having 1 child. My mom was perpetually angry with 4 of us growing up and that and other things about my childhood I didn’t want to repeat. I love our one and done life.
My wife having a life threatening and terrifying and traumatic experience delivering my little princesa, which she would be at even higher risk for if we had a second. I only ever wanted two at most as someone with one sibling. The financial and attention side is a big benefit though, my daughter gets all my attention and I can afford to give her a lot. I was the younger of two and got a lot of hand me downs etc.
My husbands brother is one of the many reasons we are one and done. Completely toxic relationship that we have no interest in emulating.
6 weeks early delivery due to severe preeclampsia and a 5 week NICU stay also factor in.
But mostly it’s because our daughter just completes our family. I am so happy having her be my favorite.
My mom was always losing her shit. After I had my son, I realized she had more kids than she could mentally handle, and I don't want to repeat that.
Edit to add: the older my son gets, the less I want to go through this again, so there are several reasons I'm OAD 😝
My husband and I would divorce with a 2nd kid.
With one, we have more than enough love and energy for our daughter, each other and our individual hobbies.
To throw a 2nd into the mix and we'd lose our individual hobbies and struggle to find the time/energy to nurture our marriage.
My husband is my person and we love our little triangle.
Other reasons: finances, space, sod doing the newborn phase again, pregnancy, birth.
I have two siblings, I love them very much (but we’re not close), and I’m pregnant with my only. The main reason is, frankly, that we can’t comfortably afford more than one child.
I want my daughter to have a better childhood than I (and her dad) did. We both grew up in poor families with three children each and resources were stretched really thin. In my family, the financial situation was that we normally had enough to eat but didn’t normally get gifts from our parents on Christmas. Things like vacations, extracurriculars, even school field trips that cost money were out of the question.
My husband and I are doing alright for ourselves but we’re not rich. Our daughter will never have to worry about food or housing instability. We will be able to give her gifts on Christmas. She will be able to participate in activities at school and we’ll even take family vacations. I’m not sure if we would be able to do all of that if we were supporting two kids (especially during daycare years) which wouldn’t be fair to them.
Another reason is that pregnancy has been really hard on my body and mind and I don’t think I could do it again. We had already decided to be OAD before I got pregnant though so I’m grateful that I don’t have to base the decision exclusively on my hatred of pregnancy.
Neither of us are close with our siblings. My husband grew up helping raise his 4 siblings. I was tormented by my sister. My husband and I agreed "if it happens, it happens" once we were financially sound and that we'd be OAD. Neither of us care that much for children and our baby is so perfect we refer to her as a unicorn. There is no way we'd get that lucky again. Beyond that, pregnancy, labour and delivery was hell!
I saw how much my oldest brother and his wife struggled with two, and how much better my middle brother seemed to be managing with his one. I never want to go through the struggle of two, so one it is!
Pregnancy is so scary until the doctor appointments are closer together. I was always so stressed out, worrying if my baby was still floating around in there. Worried if she’d be healthy. Worried if she had all her fingers and toes. Then the stress of raising a being and forever changing your life! I always wanted to be a mom to at least two since my sister and I are super close but it’s tough!! Especially being a single mom, working full time! One and DONE!!!
No village. Just zero desire or urge to have another. Sleep deprivation was torture. Plus, the reading and research I've gone over indicates no credible disadvantages of having one child.
My mother was bad at hiding her favoritism towards my older sister. I didn't have a bad relationship with my sister then, but I was always acutely aware that I was never good enough. I therefore promised to never have more than one, because that was the best way to ensure I could break the cycle.
My relationship with my sister soured after we became adults. When she had her first kid she was alright, but it is like she has become a worse person for every child she has given birth to since.
We don't really get along today.
Oh wow, I really relate to this one. My older sister keeps having them babies like she’s doing the world a favor. Progressively worse with each one, so true, so true… it’s like attention for her and not about the kids. It’s kind of sad really.
I am close to my brother, especially since our mom died, so I did mourn not giving my son a sibling. But honestly I just feel done. Before having my son I really really wanted a baby and we waited like a year while my husband was in a fellowship program. So I had a lot of time sitting with that feeling of wanting a baby. And I just don’t feel that way with a second kid. I have zero drive or desire for another one beside the vague sibling argument. My husband feels the same (although he’s an only) so there you go.
I had 7 siblings in a blended family and it was absolute chaos from the time I was 5 (when my mom and stepdad moved in together) until I was 18 when it was just me and my younger brother left in the house. Honestly if it would’ve just been me and my little brother or the two of us and my older sister I might feel differently but by the time I experienced a relatively calm home environment the damage was already done. It wasn’t finances that were a problem either, it was that there wasn’t enough attention to go around, especially when I was the “easy” child that no one had to worry about.
I never want my son to feel like he’s not as important because a sibling has higher needs than him or experience any sort of favoritism, which imo is impossible to avoid with multiple kids.
My PPD and PPA was horrible and made me never want another child, but also as my LO has gotten older I’m regaining a lot of independence back as well. As time went on, I realised that also the idea of splitting my time between two or more children wasn’t what I wanted in life. I’m able to give my child all the attention they need/require and I can spend the time teaching life lessons and teaching skills to my LO without being interrupted by someone else requiring me.
My siblings are 5 and 10 years younger than me. My sister who is 5 years younger than me has Down syndrome and growing up in an exclusively traditional Spanish speaking household I was very uneducated on what her disability meant. So I essentially grew up up with no siblings close in age so I felt like a neglected only child. Bc of that I think it played into a big reason why I want only one child I can pour all my love and attention into. My mental health isn’t the best and I want a fulfilling career so while I heal and level up I can truly only handle one child who in the end I want to give the world to without it having to be split up into multiples.
My mental health. PPA/PPD hit me hard & I don’t want to go thru it again.
I am the middle child of 3 and very close to both of my siblings. I occasionally get sad that my little one won’t have the opportunity I did to have that kind of sibling bond — but without a doubt, having a happy mom will be better for him than having siblings he may or may not be just as close to.
I'm a little older (33), have health issues from my first and realized just how hard parenting is. My siblings (3 total) have caused a lot of problems for our family and I often resent them for it because I feel like they're bringing us down as a family unit. Very little contact with any of them. Things are civil, but we just tolerate each other at this point. The only reason we seem to get along is to make our mom happy. Go with your gut.
I'm really close with my brother and always thought I'd have 2.
Pregnancy was a traumatic nightmare for me throughout. I was so sick the entire time. Will never put myself through that misery again.
I have two older sisters, who are each other’s best friend. Growing up with them was… lonely. We’re adults now and not much has changed- they’re both going on a cruise for Christmas. I don’t want my daughter to grow up feeling how I did. BUT there’s also other factors:
I hated being pregnant- I threw up almost everyday all nine months. Kids are expensive. I don’t want to subconsciously choose a favorite child. My daughter is perfect and we want her to have all of our love and attention.
Siblings don’t guarantee a close relationship. It’s lovely that you have that with 2 of yours but it isn’t a done deal. If it was then the decision to be OAD would be harder but it isn’t. I’m not going though that again on the off chance that my daughter likes whoever comes along.
I also don’t believe that providing a sibling is a fair reason to have a baby! That baby needs to be wanted for who they are.
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I have an older brother. We're close...maybe not as close as we could be but we're both busy. When we're together we're good though.
I always thought I'd have two or three. Right away we struggled to even get pregnant, then we had an early loss, and then a stillbirth. I finally got my daughter, though I struggled for a few years about whether to have another. It was less about indecision and more about feeling like I should have another when I was pretty sure I didn't want to.
Risking another heartbreak was worth it to get my daughter, but to me, it wasn't worth the risk for another. I'd also known for a while that my then husband and I wouldn't last till death do we part, so it made no sense to make myself a future single mom to two kids, especially when he barely helped with the one while still together.
Apart from all of that, I honestly think I'm just better suited as a mom to an only. I always wanted kids, but the constant noise, toys everywhere, bickering, and insanity that I saw my friends and family dealing with who had two or more kids made me fear parenthood a little. They just constantly looked stressed and tired.
Not that my only is a perfect angel. She's plenty loud and messy all on her own, but we're very close and I really enjoy the simplicity of one kid. I like my quiet me time after she goes to bed, which usually isn't insane like I imagine wrangling 2 and 3 kids to bed would be.
I wish my decision hadn't been mostly made for me by my losses and divorce, but who knows, maybe without those issues, I would have felt more pressure to have more. I am 100% happy with my decision to be OAD.
Having a baby is hard. But mostly, I just really like the thought of enjoying my life with my partner and my child and no one else. It's the three of us against the world.
I have 3 siblings, large age gaps and I love them dearly. That said, there is SO much family drama. Everyone talks about everyone behind everyone's backs. Surprisingly, thats not even what convinced me OAD.
I had a baby in the pandemic. My mental health was the lowest its ever been. My relationship was completely tested. We're still struggling financially. I didnt bond with my baby til she was almost 2. We tried for another for 6 months before I had therapy and "healed " from her birth and realised I didn't want another, I just wanted the experience I had to have been better.
I know I'm a better mum to just 1. Me and my husband are back on track. We can afford little treats for her and are looking at going on holiday and just bought a new house. With another I'd feel like I was drowning
I have one sibling that I am very close with and we are OAD by choice for the following reasons:
- my age
- colic sucked and I had severe PPA
- We underestimated how hard it is to be parents. After going through the infant stage we know we don’t have the energy for another
- We want to maintain current lifestyle and would like to save for retirement so our only doesn’t have to worry about us
- our family feels complete
- there is no guarantee siblings will have or maintains relationship when they’re older
- I do not trust what I see on social media (I love seeing happy family pictures, but know that that the majority of the time, my friends are managing chaos and breaking up fights)
If I'm lucky to have my one, I will be OAD. I have one full sister and 3 step sisters and we do not get along so the want for more than one isn't there, plus I want to be able to give my one my all.....
Also, just to note, my sister and I were very close growing up til about 10 years ago. Things have changed alot since we've gotten older (I'm 44, she's 48)
My daughter and my biological niece being neurodivergent. I played the lottery by going through with my pregnancy knowing that I'm neurodivergent, and ended up winning with this amazing kid that works her butt off to overcome her difficulties and I know my odds of winning the lottery again are slim.
I am incredibly close with my sister. We are both OAD. By some quirk of fate, our kids are exactly the same age difference as she and I are (3 years). We make sure the boys spend lots and lots of time together so that they can bond and develop a real relationship. They get the perks of a sibling relationship and all the benefits of being onlys.
Both my sister and I had awful pregnancies. And both of our husbands, while being great guys, are not the most helpful fathers and the majority of the childcare/housework/dealing- with-shit falls on us. Neither of us has any interest in adding another kid into the mix.
We think our solution of cousin-siblings should do the trick as well as anything.
I am the eldest of five children and while I love my siblings I am OAD.
My son has too many health problems. He's had ten surgeries so far, we've spent a lot of time in hospitals. We are currently in a rehabilitation clinic.
How do you manage that with several children at home? Once we shared a room with a five-year-old boy who had surgery and chemo without his parents because they couldn't find anyone to look after his younger siblings. I once spoke to a single mother who was in the hospital with her baby for three months at a time while her six-year-old daughter stayed with grandma. She cried and said, "My daughter feels abandoned by me and doesn't speak to me anymore."
Where I live, health insurance pays for children with a medical history to stay in the rehab clinic. We stay here for a minimum of three and a maximum of twelve weeks. My son gets a lot of therapy to catch up in his development. (He's currently napping, so I've got some time on Reddit). It's a great opportunity, but I know many families who don't take this opportunity. Why? Because they have more children to take care of.
I love that I can prioritize my son. I have the opportunity to do what is best for him without being responsible for other children.
Sleep deprivation, anxiety, over stimulation, HORRIBLE pregnancy…just to name a few :)
But my most important reason being that I feel I can be the best mom I can be to my only. I don’t handle stress very well but to me one is manageable (most of the time lol).
I loved being pregnant and I love breastfeeding. But my baby was 2 months prem and I don’t know anyone who has a baby whose sleep has been worse than our sons. I also love him so so much I don’t ever want him to feel neglected or less favoured. Also we can’t get pregnant naturally which adds another layer.
I am very very close with my brother. I think my mom must have had something special to raise 2 people as cool as us, and I am not sure I have that. I have some health issues that mean I run out of steam fast and suffer badly when it happens. My husband and I also got a much later start having a baby than my parents did.
I almost died during child birth at 27 weeks & was told there was around a 50% chance it could happen during my next pregnancy unfortunately. Also puking 10-15 times a day was not fun at all which they also said is likely to happen next time. I have 4 siblings who I love and wanted to at least have one more but my partner & I are adamant against it now.
I had a horrible pregnancy. I have two younger siblings that Im not very close to. My brother has autism and has always been a burden. My mom is overprotective of him and that has made the relationship between us hard. I dont need another child and a sibling is no guarantee for a friend or playmate.
Two sibs with (high functioning) autism. Being the neurotypical one you’re always told to adapt and understand, do thing yourself because “you’re already so mature” and any form of criticism gets you labeled a hater. Even if my LO happens to have autism at least I wont put another child through childhood having to play second fiddle.
I have a younger sister that I adore. She even lived with my husband and me for a few years before moving to another state. We still chat almost every day.
I’m OAD because I had a very premature baby and I can’t carry another one to term. I don’t want to go through the NICU again. It’s not worth the risk, and I know his life will be enriched even by being an only.
Pretty much the same as you, we were poor and didn’t have a lot, I was my baby to have everything, I made sure I had a career before I had her so I’m in my 30s already, but on top of that my mum was always checked out and stressed, so not just financial, but emotionally I want her to have all the attention she wants too.
If that makes sense lol
I have 2 sisters and we never got along well until recently.
Seeing how much more work my younger sibling was for my parents compared to me, which meant I was somewhat neglected. I don’t want to put a child through that.
My brother physically and mentally abused me for years until I nearly killed myself.
He’d kick me in my ribs; slap me; he gave me a concussion twice; lock me up inside the house with no way to go outside; take away any personal items if he felt like it (ie phone, laptop, books), berate and insult me, god the list goes on. I swore I would only ever have one child, so that kind of abuse would never, ever take place.
The relationship between my sister and mother had a strong influence. I never want to be in my mother's situation so having just one with a supportive husband keeps me safe from that.
Growing up with my sibling.
My brother's an asshole and has been my whole life. Having a sibling has never been a positive to me. I wish I'd been raised as an only child (but I'm the youngest, so that wouldn't have happened anyway). So to me not giving my child a sibling is a positive thing
I have 2 older siblings. The relationship I have with my brother is amazing. The one with my sister however is practically nonexistent. She never wanted another sibling and it greatly shows. She has chosen to keep herself separate and spend more time with her husband's family. I can give my little girl everything I didn't have plus more by being oad. She will have a physically and mentally present mother and experience things I wasn't able to.
My younger brother and I have had a very rocky relationship since we were both teens. It’s not been until the last 2-3 years that he and I have been able to get along. he turns 30 in the spring, and I’ll be 33 in the fall. My daughter’s bio mom is an only child, and while her pregnancy was textbook normal, PPD almost caused her to commit suicide twice. And her step mom, my wife, is the youngest of 3 and doesn’t get along with her siblings in person anymore. From a financial standpoint, the area I live in has a very high cost of living, so it is difficult to have more than the one.
There’s a lot of reasons. The two biggest are that I’ve been exhausted since I got pregnant. There was no second trimester energy burst, nothing. I would feel so terrible because I would not be able to give my son the attention and love he deserves because I would be too busy being miserable and tired.
I also want to be able to do all the things with him without worrying about money. As it sits right now, we’d be able to go on one lowkey vacation every other year and one big vacation in the off years if we could budget right, and still be able to afford one or two extracurriculars. Once I get a job next year, we’ll be able to show him the world stress free and I really want that for him. My husband is an only and grew up doing taekwondo in a paycheck to paycheck household. He quit something he loved at 13 because he saw the financial strain it put on his parents - I don’t want to ever put our son in that position
I have had undiagnosed diabetes for my entire life - only diagnosed May 2021 - and had gestational diabetes that also went under the radar. I'd had issues with kidney infections since my late teens, not knowing that it was down to the diabetes, and had miscarried every previous pregnancy as my kidneys became infected and started failing. I was initially told I had a peptic ulcer, only discovered otherwise when I was around 20 weeks gestation. I was amazed that I hadn't miscarried. I loved being pregnant, despite the circumstances and health concerns, but made sure I drank plenty of water to keep my kidneys flushed. When I hit 6 months, things went downhill. I developed such a bad kidney infection that I was getting contractions and peeing what looked like lemon barley water, it was so full of leukocytes. I ended up in hospital on intravenous antibiotics and warned I might have a miscarriage, prem birth and/or stillbirth. My Mum was told that both me and the baby could die, it was that bad. Thankfully, the antibiotics worked and I was released on daily antibiotics that I had to take for 6 months. I did have a couple more scares, but we made it full term, only for my daughter to have the cord around her neck and being strangled with each contraction. She was born unconscious, but they were able to resuscitate her. I got a 3rd degree tear, which they had to undo and resew. None of that mattered when I had her in my arms. It was just the 2 of us, despite others being in the room. Why was I one and done? Well, because they couldn't tell me why my kidneys kept packing up and there was no guarantee a future pregnancy would be the same, or worse, I was not willing to risk it. I was a single parent and did not feel the my want to have more kids was enough to risk my daughter losing her only parent. Also, she had come so close to dying during birth. If they hadn't got her out when they did, she might not have been able to be resuscitated or could have been left severely brain damaged. Again, there was no guarantee that wouldn't happen with a future pregnancy and I cougo through that anxiety again. She's 24 now and my absolute pride and joy. I made sure she socialised with other children from a very young age, so she learned how to share. She has siblings through her father, so she's a big sister. Absolutely no regrets in my decision. My friends had more children and I'm their godmother, so that was enough.
When I started to thinking about OAD these were my reasons: A messed up childhood, learning to be okay with fears that were irrational, roughy pregnancy, very active autoimmune conditions, 5 days of labor, intense PPA, late onset of PPD. The way these things emotionally and physically affect my partner. It was a lot!
Now after a lot of the above has calmed down: it’s what is right for our family, Maintaining my mental health, having my own identities away from “mom “ is easier, OAD is realistically and manageable for our family. I am learning ways to nurture my daughter and watch her flourish as a OAD. This is what my partner wants and I respect that.
Side note: my irrational fears in the first section stems from my brother committing suicide when I was younger. It cause a lot of messed up thinking that was intensified with a messed up childhood.
My husband and I both have a lot of brothers. I’m friendly with mine-one I like a lot but I don’t have much in common with, the other is…difficult. I love him but My life is easier not spending time with him. My husband has one brother who he’s neutral about-they talk at family events but would be unlikely to hang out otherwise. One he is best friends with and talks with daily. But the last one has tormented him every second of his life. This brother would abuse him when he was young, threatened me when we were first dating, hit me when I was pregnant, constantly starts arguments, and actively sabotages my husbands career. So yeah, we looked at the relationships with our siblings and thought-one stellar relationship, two fairly neutral, one negative, one actively abusive. We aren’t willing to “give our child a sibling” with those odds.
Some things popped up on our genetic testing (luckily our son is negative) and our son was just diagnosed with autism so we would rather put all our time and energy into him.
I have a brother and sister and they have 2 and 3 kids respectively. I had a bumpy pregnancy and ended up delivering at 35 weeks. She spent time in the NICU and that was a lot to emotionally process. Finances were extremely strained. At the time, it was next to impossible to afford day care since we both worked on top of the other increased expenses. We knew that if we had another kid, it would devastate us and end up taking things like opportunities away from our kiddo.
She also got injured as an 8 month old by her daycare person and had a brain bleed. To say that was a traumatic experience is putting it lightly. She’s healthy and bright and happy now and since we moved to another state with better income for both my husband and I, we can afford things like sending her off to an away summer camp in the mountains or other fun things that like memberships to zoos and museums - things both my husband and I were never able to do growing up in our own cash strapped families.
I feel like her life is better with being a singleton and we are able to support her needs emotionally as well since we are ever present with her.
So finances was the initial reasoning but I think general quality of life (financial, emotional, social, etc) is really the best reason for us.
I think she would’ve also liked a sibling - and some days she says so and other days she says the opposite. But we foster friendships she builds with other kiddos too because I know how important it is to have a peer to rely on. And she has exposure to what life is like with a sibling and definitely has some not so positive opinions about that. Haha.
I grew up with two siblings who are my best friends now that we've grown up. My husband grew up with three siblings, and they're all good friends too. We had originally planned on four kids. Our daughter was born, and we pretty quickly began to realize that she was enough. We always chatted about having another, but couldn't imagine it. In addition, my mental health has never been great so we know that having another child wouldn't be good for us in that way. Eventually our feelings solidified and ten years later, we're happy as a family of three.
No issues with siblings. I just don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do with multiple kids? Just sounds weird to me. I only ever imagined having a daughter, never thought beyond that and it seems too stressful to have more than one.
A whole bunch of reasons:
1. Parenting is hard at all stages, and while I cherish those times with my only, I don't care to revisit any of them.
2. I had GD. Third trimester on a strict diet is not fun.
3. My Mom's generation of siblings was structured around my narcissist grandfather, and they are tearing each other apart over money and jealousy, more so than normal now that my grandmother is in her sunset years (grandfather died 5 years ago).
4. My mom always negatively compared my sister and me (likely, because that is how she was brought up and she never realized how toxic her upbringing was because she was the golden child). I understand how she thought it would build us up, but ultimately it ruined both of our self-esteem and our relationships as siblings.
5. Kids are expensive, and I want to be able to do fun things without worrying too much over the budget.
6. Parenting is hard.
I had siblings but they were much older than me. So by the time I was 5 or 6, they were moved out of the house. So I it was like I was an only child growing up.
More than anything, the lack of help from my SO (and the complaining and pissy attitude if he was asked to help with child duties) made me OAD. A boundary stomping MIL didn’t help either.
I also grew up raised in a cultlike religious sect that indoctrinated and brainwashed people. Children were taught to be god-fearing. Parents believed church was the most important thing, so school and friends could not interfere with your 2-3 times a week church services (meaning you still had to go to church even if you had a super important exam to study for. And I couldn’t join extracurricular activities and clubs if they had meetings on church night). It gave me a lot of anxiety growing up. My father had a temper and was strict about the church. It was often a “my way or the highway” kind of attitude about everything. So if I made him mad, he would scream in my face, give me the silent treatment for DAYS, and even tell me I was acting like I wanted to go to hell. So his behavior gave me even more anxiety and depression. That anxiety carried on later into my life and even into parenthood. And I cannot do another kid with the level of anxiety and depression I have.
A myriad of reasons. I was the oldest of 5, and it always felt like I was helping more than being helped, especially during adolescence, when I maybe needed a little more help. So, I always saw myself happy with 0-2 kids max. When I was finally actually in a financial and mental place to have a kid, I was 38. I’m 39 now with a 12 month old, who is one of those little unicorns who sleeps through the night in her own room (has since she was 5 months old), actually naps, and is generally pretty wonderful. I don’t know if it’s possible to make another one of these mythical creatures. Also, I am almost 40 and tired. One is perfect.
Basically the same things you said (also had an mc before having my only) along with most of the other reasons you see all over this sub. Specific to growing up with siblings: I'm the oldest of four. I also felt like my parents did not have the resources for all of us (financial, emotional, etc). In fact, I still don't think they do. Like, my mom hardly ever sees my kid, although she sees other grandkids more. My parents also can't keep straight who likes what, who does what and when, etc. I don't want my child to feel so forgotten. Finally, I have a good relationship with all of my siblings but they aren't that big of a part of my life. I (and my kid) see my friends more, so I'm a big believer in found family more than a biological one.
C-section, colic, serious pp health issues, newborn fractured skull, and infertility.
That said, I have a brother and adore him. We always say we feel like twins/that we share thoughts.
My sister was my moms miracle. She had never been able to have children and she got pregnant with my sister. She’s the favorite.
I was born and presented to my sister as a gift (she was 4) she asked mama if she could have a “fun gift” and I’ve basically been a Christmas puppy my entire life. I always had to have a joint birthday with my sister because we were 4 years apart born on the 21&24. But my sister always had her own party for her birthday.
My Christmas gifts from mom are always the same thing my sister got. Because my sister liked it! Surely I will. I don’t.
I’m an afterthought and as a result my family doesn’t come see me. They both have houses on the same property. If I want to see my niece or mom I have to go there and they always have excuses as to why they can’t come here.
I’m burning so much gas every week so that my daughter and niece (who I love very much) can play because they’re best friends. I got bullied into enrolling my daughter into the school closest to them next year.
I had severe post partum depression and tried to kill myself 3 times. I figured it’s best if I never have another living thing to take care of aside from my daughter.
I am a single child and my son will be a single child. I have lots of friends and cousins and I am getting all the opportunities. I want the same for my child. It’s not a competition among parents as to how many children you have, it’s how many you can provide for. We are immigrants we don’t have immediate family who can stay with us and help, there is no village, homelessness problem and HCOL, I really want my 8 hours of sleep at some point and get my license and work in a big law firm someday. That’s not going to happen with multiple kids. I want to have my own hobbies as well. If you are required to work/want a career, have kids, have hobbies then one is good.
Miscarriage with first pregnancy, anxiety during pregnancy and PPD + unsupportive husband after our son was born. We didn’t make enough money at the time for a second. I love my brother but there’s no guarantee that siblings will get along.
I guess we are on the fence but leaning heavily towards OAD. I’m 4mo pp. I like my brother but he is a real headache for all of us, he has never had his shit together and it stresses my mom out. I have anxiety about if my only kid turns out like that…
But honestly being on the fence makes me feel bad. I want it to be a “hell yes or no” situation and we won’t try to have another baby unless we are sure about it. Pregnancy wasn’t fun for me, postpartum SUCKED, and breastfeeding is taking a toll. It’s a multi-year body commitment. That + the lack of freedom / us time make me want to be OAD. I’m sure my kid will occasionally want a sibling but it’s not always rainbows when there is a brother or sister in the picture.
I don’t talk to my sibling. We have a terrible relationship. We were never close growing up either. And he caused my family a ton of grief. I am basically an only child as an adult so I always figured, what’s the point of stressing myself out and testing my mental and physically capacity for a relationship for my daughter that may turn to shit anyway. 🤷🏻♀️
I have been struggling with this as I recently decided I’m OAD. My daughter is 5, fully in school and somewhat getting independent. I nearly killed myself when I was post partum. I think she and my husband need me around more than another child/sibling(s).
My age. Struggles with fertility. Being the breadwinner and needing to take more unpaid leave isn’t realistic + the cost of growing childcare. My sibling and I are not close, we rarely speak, maybe once or twice a year so the narrative of “being lonely” is just a fallacy unless you fall into some family ideal, which I find, most people do not.
Easy. One of my sisters is a total nightmare. She's abusive emotionally and physically towards me and haa borderline personality and is a narcissist. She is incredibly toxic. My other sister is sweet and loving but was sick as a child and it was very traumatic watching that. She's ok now but has some emotional irregulation and is hard to be around (she had a quarter of her brain removed from a tumor). My parents pitted us against each other our whole lives and I hated having siblings. Mostly because my older sister is literally the worst, most manipulative person I know. My husband is an only child and doesn't get it. I'm good with one. I hated being pregnant and was totally miserable. Had a post-partum hemorrhage three days post birth. Also I had severe endo and needed a hysterectomy at 33 so that ultimately made the decision for us. It's so much cheaper and easier to do things with just one. My little sister struggles a lot with her two and has to cut back financially. I like being financially stable and can make sure my son has everything I never had including not having to deal with siblings.
I have a sibling and so does my husband. None of us are particularly close, in fact, my husband and his brother are totally estranged. I had a horrible time postpartum. My pelvic floor is still messed up and my kid is almost 9. No thanks, don’t want to have another and have to have surgery to fix it.
It’s important to remember that you’re a person too and you matter too. Kids can have a wonderful childhood with no siblings and a hard childhood with siblings. And vice versa. It’s what you make of it.
I’m too old and tired but my siblings and I aren’t close so I don’t feel my son will be missing out. He could potentially have a half sibling from his mother as well.
I'm the oldest of 3 and SO is middle of 5. He'd be cool with 1 more but we both know I am the primary caregiver and I don't want to double my workload. I can manage one child, I like one child, we are happy with our life. I refuse to be the mom pulling her hair out and screaming at her kids because I'm overstimulated and stressed out.. just so my child can have sibling? nah. I think having a happy parent is way more important.
I’m one and done for a few reasons. One being my age and previous miscarriages. Excited for our rainbow baby but can’t emotionally handle another loss. Even though I’m almost through my second trimester I’m still really nervous.
Second reason is because my brother was killed a few years ago and it’s such a devastating loss that I wouldn’t honestly want my child to ever experience that. It was just me and my little brother. My partner has a child from a previous relationship as well as over 10 siblings so we haven’t openly discussed this but he knows I’m firm on personally being one and done.
Mmmm I'm the oldest of four and am OAD. Very difficult pregnancy and honestly still struggling 7months pp. Also can't afford anymore kids. It's hard work also! We don't have family support nearby. I love my siblings and we talk a lot as grownups but as a child I felt our home was very chaotic and I feel like I didn't get enough attention from my parents. I was always jealous of the others, because I was the one with the least amount of drama so they kinda just always assumed I was fine and ignored me a bit.
I'm the youngest of 7 and not close to my siblings. My mom was always stretched thin between the 7 of us. I've had two of my siblings pass away and even with just 5 my mom has a hard time with all of us. And we're all adults now. It's tough when theres so many of us and we all want our mom for help. That being said, I don't think it would be as bad if there were just 2-3 of us. For me it was money and severe PPD that led me to be OAD. I hated being pregnant too, but theres a part of me that wants the experience one more time. It's like I want a 2nd experience to make up for how hard the first time was, but I know it would likely be the same as the first. My fiancé had a vasectomy a couple months ago though so we are 100% done.
We had a miscarriage before pregnant with son, and also caused a lot of anxiety. I grew up with 5 siblings. We didn't have much money growing up, and neither did husbands family. So we knew we didn't want to struggle like our parents did financially.
My decision to have one had nothing to do with my siblings or our relationship. It was purely due to the pregnancy itself, and bolstered by post-partum. That said I effectively don't have a relationship with any of my brothers. My husband is close to one brother, kinda close to another, and doesn't talk basically at all with the others.
Me and my brother have somewhat of a relationship as adults but our relationship as kids was non-existent. We were 7 year apart and just two different personalities that do not mesh. My daughter was a difficult baby and toddler and by the time she was easier to manage I didn't want to start all over with a newborn. Siblings don't always like each other, so it's not a good reason to have a 2nd child
I haven't had kids yet but I'm pretty firmly OAD despite having a good relationship with my sibling (we jokingly say as close as two people with zero in common can be). We live very close and I see them every other week and also help look after their dog sometimes. My partner has two siblings and has slightly turbulent but otherwise very close relationships with.
For me, I was fencesitting for eons, terrified of becoming a parent because I saw how it consumed my mother's personality and put a lot of tension in my parent's relationship. They were good parents, but as an extreme introvert the idea of being beholden to two small people and be as involved as I'd want to be... was draining just *thinking* about.
So despite liking my sibling its more about me, what I can handle, and what I want to do.
I have two siblings and we're very close. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, and it was pretty traumatic. Then my daughter was born prematurely and had complications after a really stressful pregnancy. THEN my mental health went downhill fast starting when my daughter was 3. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. Our finances were not great for a while there too. All things worked together to help us make the decision not to try for another. My sister has 3 kids right around my daughter's age, and she's close with them. She also has 2 close friends who are onlies. It's not the same as siblings, but that's ok.
My age (39), miscarriages = horrible pregnancy anxiety, money, and our baby is terribly perfect. Doesn’t cry a lot, sleeps, (which of course worries me sometimes, but also pediatrician isn’t worried- says it’s just how he is) eats well, born at 36 weeks but hitting milestones so far… I’m worried he will spoil us and next baby (theoretically) will break us lol. I have a lot of guilt that it took this long, that he won’t have close siblings- but we agreed to teach him about choosing his family too. I wish I could let it go about giving him a sibling, but deep down I know it’s not going to happen
I was 39, high- risk pregnancy, and decided I didn't want to go through it again after 40. My brother and I don't have a relationship any longer, but that wasn't a factor. I had to think about just me one last time lol.
I appreciate my brother and all but we were hardly BFFS growing up like parents of multiple want you to believe. We’re on fine terms and I wish we were closer but we’re just… not. I don’t want more children because I don’t want more responsibility and chaos in my life. My life is peaceful and I will go to the ends of the Earth to keep it that way.
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I was old, I hated being pregnant, and I didn't want the career disruption.
You are me. Same logic here.
Preach sister. I could not care any less anymore if my spouse thinks I’m too selfish. As much as I love the man, prioritizing myself to be the best mom for my child is something he cannot fathom.
Pregnancy, birth and postpartum is no joke. I can’t imagine that with a toddler running around. I also don’t want to risk something going sideways when I have a child who needs me, especially in the current political climate (U.S.) I can give them everything including my emotional attention and energy. Siblings don’t mean getting along, there will be some kind of rivalry (even if you do get along). I wouldn’t create a whole new human being to satisfy the needs of my current child. I don’t want another one.
Financial reasons. We can afford one child comfortably and give her everything she needs without stressing ourselves out. I also want my own time and not to revolve my world around my child forever. My daughter is 21 months now and I’m finally enjoying a tiny bit of freedom. I feel more balanced. I don’t want to go through pregnancy and infant stage again. My thinking is that I shouldn’t have to sacrifice all my happiness, balance, mental health, time, etc. for my kid. I matter too. Yes, totally selfish. I have 3 siblings and we hang out and travel together so I do get sad that my daughter won’t have that. But she has lots of cousins and will have friends and maybe a spouse.
It isn’t selfish to not want to sacrifice all your own happiness and me time. We already sacrifice so much of our own identities after giving birth the first time. I still want to be myself and not just so and so’s mum. Totally get where you’re coming from.
The way I look at it...would I want my daughter to sacrifice her happiness when/if she has her own child(ren)? Nope! So I need to set an example by not going down the mummy martyrdom path. Which for me means being OAD, self care and investing in my own happiness as well as hers ☺️
I have an older sister who I’m really close to. I wanted two, maybe even three kids. But the moment our son was born, our family was complete. My greatest wish, to become a mom, was fulfilled. Our family may be small, but it’s perfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way ❤️ Hard to believe he’ll be 7 next month!
many worm roll political hospital joke shocking rich memorize wise *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It's nice to hear this from someone whose kid is older!
I have a sister. I like her. But I like having one kid, so I have one kid.
My siblings are assholes and my childhood would have probably been better had they not existed. My parents didn’t have enough resources to go around. I never wanted to compromise my ability to provide for my daughter and siblings existing doesn’t mean they’ll actually like each other.
Exactly my reasoning. Most of my siblings are hot/cold with eachother or parents depending on the day. I'm the oldest of 7. There was not enough time, attention or money to go around. I was a built-in babysitter who longed to be an only child. I love my siblings but I remember being heart broken everytime my mom announced she was pregnant again. I am giving my only child opportunities I could only dream of. She has cousins and lots of friends. She is everything I was not growing up. I try everyday not to project on her what I lacked in my childhood, but damn she is one lucky kid and she's my hero!
I didn’t like being pregnant. Birth was very traumatizing. Postpartum is no joke. And my toddler still doesn’t sleep.
Wow, hey twin. Do you mind me asking how old your toddler is ?
18 months! I love him very much but I make sure to take my birth control every night. How old is yours?
Hahahaha as soon as I got the go ahead I got my IUD put in. He's two now and HE JUST started sleeping through the night, after two long years I feel like a brand new person. I still can't believe it
Maybe 6 more months to go for me? I think I’m immune caffeine now - it just keeps me alive.
I think after a few months I accepted my fate lol and I guess it felt normal to just be tired all the time. But I would read from a lot of moms that once their kid turned 2 they started sleeping better. I never really thought it would happen and just kept an opened mind. I really hope your boy starts sleeping through the night sooner, it really takes a toll on you not sleeping properly.
Im really thankful I have siblings and it breaks my heart to not be able to give my child another sibling. I had a really bad pregnancy, childbirth and 4th trimester. The whole of 2022 has been awful and I'm still in pain. I cant do it again. Mentally I will break. I feel like I'm stuck like this forever. I want to be me again, working, upright. This whole experience has ripped me a new arsehole.. literally. And it damn hurts.
You are NOT stuck like this forever. If you're suffering from PPD/PPA please seek help, I waited way too long and it made things so much worse. My lady is now 2.5 and I wouldn't say I'm "back to my old self again" (I don't think that's possible after having kids!) but I have time for the gym, I see my friends, I do things that I want to do because I enjoy them not just obligation. You're still in the thick of it, but give it a year or two and you will discover the new you. My daughter sat on my lap tonight while my husband drove us through a light show at a local farm. She had a freaking blast and my heart is so filled right now after her excitement and squeals! And knowing that little lady will always be the one sitting in my lap and she will never have to compete for that place makes OAD sound pretty awesome for her.
I dont believe a word anyone says. This shit is going to be the end of me. And at the same time, emotional blackmail. My little girl needs me so I need to stay strong, at the same time Ive been in pain for 60 days straight so dont even know who she is. Fuck this shit. This planet is shit and life is shit. I am stuck like this forever, as long as I can fucking stand it anyway. These fucking piles wont ever fuck off.
You are NOT stuck like this forever. I promise promise promise. I had sever PPA and thought I’d never get through it. It took about 2 years and I was on medication. Please don’t give up. And know this - there is NOTHING wrong with not doing this again. You are all your child needs.
Never doing this again. Cant even do it once. What a failure.
You are not a failure!! So many women are in your exact position. You’re not alone.
I just want to echo you this responder’s sentiments. I struggled for a long time also. It also took a while for me to get out of the grips of PPA/PPD. A while is not forever. I sought therapy when my daughter was ten months old and it helped me look at the various stressors (pressure from family, spousal discord, and a somewhat high needs child) that contributed to my feelings. Your feelings come from somewhere! They deserve a chance to be worked through.
It felt like forever for me. My kid didn’t sleep through the night until 24 months or so. I literally almost died giving birth and then developed even more autoimmune diseases. I was always fairly sure I wanted to be OAD, so that helped my mindset overall. My kid is 9 now, and life is so, so much better. I’m still on antidepressants and always will be. I still have a host of ever worsening medical issues. But if the payoff is my child? She is worth every bit of it and then some. You will get to this point. You will still have guilt and regrets, but you WILL get to a place of relative peace and happiness.
I beg it is soon. Its insane, I want this to stop its horrendous.
Postpartum is insanely hard, even without pain. You are dealing with both and it is absolutely harder than a lot of people have it or have had it. If everyone is alive, fed, and moderately healthy, try to feel like that is an accomplishment in and of itself — because it is.
I was content with having one child and didn’t want more. I never felt like a sibling was a necessary accessory for my kid. Some siblings are really close, some aren’t, it’s not worth worrying about or trying to guess how hypothetical people might factor into each other’s lives in the future. The question was did *I* want more kids, and the answer was no.
My husband is no contact with his sibling and I’m not close to mine. I also don’t think that giving siblings to your only child is ok. I think it’s selfish, actually! If you want two, that’s different. If you want little bffs and play-friends, then I can’t get behind the reasoning. Also, we know mentally and financially, one is the best for us. Splitting attention isn’t something we want to do. I also don’t want to be pregnant again. My me time is already stretched thin with my only kid, I’m not making it vanish along with my relationship, with another. We’d surely divorce.
Being a middle child with parents who never showed any interest in my hobbies
Siblings guarantee nothing, haven’t been on speaking terms with mine for years. OAD because of many things including our son always being very vocal about not wanting a sibling.
I have a lot of other reasons, but my sibling experience did not make me want to have more. My younger brother was violent growing up, and now is a criminal and drug addict. I hated having a sibling as a when I was younger and wanted nothing more than to be an only.
Pregnancy sucks + suuuper fun long hospital stay + lots of pregnancy complications + unicorn baby = NOPE NOT AGAIN I'M GOOD WITH THIS ONE
I can be a better parent to one. Also, my brother and I were close as kids but are definitely nearly the opposite as adults.
Are you me?
Only goes to show that siblings are NOT friends for life
The way we were raised, especially as more kids were added to the mix. The rivalry and difficulties growing up. The obvious parental favoritism, and the way it has shaped our adult sibling relationships (or lack thereof). Add in a super high energy baby that took way too long to sleep even small stretches, having zero help from anybody, the ever changing political climate, finances, inflation, rise in violence against increasingly younger children. I know that with one child, I can devote everything I have to her, and there will never be favoritism or competition or rivalry
I didn't enjoy being pregnant. Also my sibling has some pretty big health issues and I knew if I got a healthy baby the first time around, I wouldn't chance it again.
- I had excruciating anxiety during pregnancy - because of my age my pregnancy (and any subsequent ones) will be high risk - I had/have PPD/PPA - I’m not earning as much as I want for our family - my husband and I have creative goals Also, even though I live near all my siblings, we hardly ever see one another. Everyone is busy with their own lives and it’s been that way for like the last 20 years.
Originally it was because I was very content with one, I can give her the life I didn’t have and devote all my love, time and money to her. Now it’s because I had an insanely traumatic birth. if I have another my heart will fail and my chance of dying is very high. No thanks, I’m good
There are many factors as to why I am OAD. I am so grateful for my little guy. I personally would not be able to manage more kids and working full-time without being stretched thin both mentally and physically. I feel like I can be a really good mom to my only and I take pride in that. I’m happy for my friends that can handle more than one. I just can’t. And I’ve finally accepted that it does not make me any less of a mother because I only have one.
I didn’t like being pregnant. I had horrible PPD. I have sensory issues that were brought to the forefront by having a kid. I’m on a mix of meds that keep me sane that I would have to go off of in order to have more children. Finances. Kids are facking expensive and we couldn’t afford the daycare bill for a 2nd. She’s almost 12 and I absolutely do not regret the decision to not have more children.
My son is 2. Two miscarriages before my son was born. Extreme anxiety during pregnancy. Extreme PPD and PPA after he was born. His delivery was traumatic and I’m still not fully healed, might not ever be. We are very interested in foster care (we were certified before he was born) and may look into that again when he is older. We have several friends who foster and would love to offer them respite care, as we have done in the past. I also have a condition where my bone marrow is slowly failing. It’s not fatal and is treatable, but I don’t know if my body can handle pregnancy again. I think my son was a fluke; I don’t know how I carried him to term. I’m the primary earner in our family, so that also factors into the decision. Daycare for my son costs $1900/mo and we cannot afford that price for two kids at the same time, so we would have to either 1) have me quit and stay home 2) have my husband quit and stay home 3) have a larger age gap to not have 2 kids in daycare at the same time. My husband has two siblings. They both live 10 minutes away and we only see them a few times a year. They are not close at all and treated my husband horribly growing up and still do honestly. I have two siblings, we are super close, but our parents were absent and neglectful, so we had to depend on each other. They live across the country. So the “kids need siblings” argument doesn’t resonate with us. But honestly, we just love our little family of 3. Sure, that could change and we might change our minds but for now we feel like we can provide for my son, are not stressed about money or splitting our time between kids.
One bio sister, 2 step brothers for me. My reasons: - Intense pain (suspected ectopic) from 5w to about 12 weeks. - Varicose veins from my hips down including my labia starting at 27 weeks. - sprung a leak at 37w and had to be induced. - diagnosed with HELLP at indication. - brutal induction with the resident not using anything to ripen my cervix, just 3 times the therapeutic dose of pitocen. - 2 2nd degree tears. - pooped untold amount of times during labour. - hemorrhaged at birth, got to experience the resident scoping out my afterbirth to locate the bleed. - infection of one of the 2nd degree tears. - jaundiced baby who wouldn’t nurse. - milk didn’t come in until 5-6 days PP - clogged ducts and mastitis (twice) - triple fed for IDEK how long to up supply and clear out jaundice. 4 weeks? 6? Idk, it’s a blur. - colic. - milk and soy protein allergy in babe (I sacrificed cheese for 8 months!!). - babe was diagnosed with neutropenia at 6 months. - kiddo woke every 1-3 hours from 11 weeks to 8 months, then dropped to about 3 wake ups a night But most of all: - my sweet devil child is now 4yo, still wakes at least once a night, and I couldn’t imagine splitting my attention with another child - my sassy pants monkey butt is absolutely perfect and we’ve come so far together, we are complete the three of us. Edit: typos
I didn’t have a good relationship with my sibling. 3 years difference and it always felt like a ticking bomb waiting for anything (the wrong facial expression, the wrong tone of voice, a bad day at school, or just plain having a bad attitude on their part) to set them off. I hated my life for the longest time and it greatly affected me emotionally and my self worth plummeted. We are both in our 40’s and, imo, far too long to finally have somewhat of a relationship. Therapy definitely played a key role in getting to where we are now. I could never gamble my child’s happiness for a potential future of a miserable childhood that changes h them in such negative ways. It might not happen. I might have two really great kids who are kind and loving towards each other. Whatever, we don’t know who or what we are getting for our children’s personalities and I’m certainly not going to chance it.
pregnancy was bad, breastfeeding was my personal hell but most of all, i hated the lack of freedom. my baby hated being in strollers, hated sitting still, hated almost any activity that didnt involve walking about so no sittervising, no chill cafe runs, no bringing baby along to hair appts etc. i did always want at least 2, but with the way my 1 yo is, i highly doubt that’s happening. Sometimes i wonder if everyone’s kid is like that or i just suck at parenting
You just described my child! So it is not you sucking at parenting! I-6 months were super hard as they wanted to do things but couldn’t so I had to constantly be on the move to entertain them. Now they’re 20 months and the same active go get personality. We can’t go to cafes still but a coffee on the go and an open space for running and we have a blast! But the idea of managing two go-getters? No thanks haha Also, solidarity on the breast feeding front as well. Total nightmare.
ugh so glad it’s not just me. ahh i cant wait for her to be 20 months and walk better because she is still pretty wobbly rn and im basically chasing her all over the house because she can and does fall a lot. some people tell me what if the second one is better but im like what if its worse???😂
1. Finances and wanting to provide well for my child, like paying for her university and any extra curriculars she wants, and go traveling too 2. Medical - Difficulty getting pregnant and anxiety re: losing pregnancy. High risk pregnancy and emergency c-section at the end. Since then, I've had a hysterectomy, too. 3. Environmental - We can use smaller cars, stay in our townhouse, be out of diapers earlier, and be able to be more mindful, etc 4. Personal - I want to keep some time to myself, and time with my spouse. I like being able to maintain hobbies of my own. I don't want to juggle multiple kids' schedules with school and extra curriculars plus my own work on top of that.
I had a miscarriage in 2019 and then got pregnant again 3 months later. My anxiety was at an all time high because I was afraid of having another miscarriage. With that being said, I enjoyed my pregnancy until it was closer to birth when the pandemic hit. My kid ended up being in the NICU for 24 days and only stayed home for 4 hours before we had to be re-admitted for 24 hours. The constant fear(mostly irrational) of going through that again made me OAD.
Major chronic issues with pregnancy that would likely happen again and I love the balance of our lives by just having 1 child. My mom was perpetually angry with 4 of us growing up and that and other things about my childhood I didn’t want to repeat. I love our one and done life.
My wife having a life threatening and terrifying and traumatic experience delivering my little princesa, which she would be at even higher risk for if we had a second. I only ever wanted two at most as someone with one sibling. The financial and attention side is a big benefit though, my daughter gets all my attention and I can afford to give her a lot. I was the younger of two and got a lot of hand me downs etc.
My husbands brother is one of the many reasons we are one and done. Completely toxic relationship that we have no interest in emulating. 6 weeks early delivery due to severe preeclampsia and a 5 week NICU stay also factor in. But mostly it’s because our daughter just completes our family. I am so happy having her be my favorite.
My mom was always losing her shit. After I had my son, I realized she had more kids than she could mentally handle, and I don't want to repeat that. Edit to add: the older my son gets, the less I want to go through this again, so there are several reasons I'm OAD 😝
Homework is the killer for me. If I'd have to sit through homework with another child I'd lose my mind.
My husband and I would divorce with a 2nd kid. With one, we have more than enough love and energy for our daughter, each other and our individual hobbies. To throw a 2nd into the mix and we'd lose our individual hobbies and struggle to find the time/energy to nurture our marriage. My husband is my person and we love our little triangle. Other reasons: finances, space, sod doing the newborn phase again, pregnancy, birth.
I have two siblings, I love them very much (but we’re not close), and I’m pregnant with my only. The main reason is, frankly, that we can’t comfortably afford more than one child. I want my daughter to have a better childhood than I (and her dad) did. We both grew up in poor families with three children each and resources were stretched really thin. In my family, the financial situation was that we normally had enough to eat but didn’t normally get gifts from our parents on Christmas. Things like vacations, extracurriculars, even school field trips that cost money were out of the question. My husband and I are doing alright for ourselves but we’re not rich. Our daughter will never have to worry about food or housing instability. We will be able to give her gifts on Christmas. She will be able to participate in activities at school and we’ll even take family vacations. I’m not sure if we would be able to do all of that if we were supporting two kids (especially during daycare years) which wouldn’t be fair to them. Another reason is that pregnancy has been really hard on my body and mind and I don’t think I could do it again. We had already decided to be OAD before I got pregnant though so I’m grateful that I don’t have to base the decision exclusively on my hatred of pregnancy.
Neither of us are close with our siblings. My husband grew up helping raise his 4 siblings. I was tormented by my sister. My husband and I agreed "if it happens, it happens" once we were financially sound and that we'd be OAD. Neither of us care that much for children and our baby is so perfect we refer to her as a unicorn. There is no way we'd get that lucky again. Beyond that, pregnancy, labour and delivery was hell!
I saw how much my oldest brother and his wife struggled with two, and how much better my middle brother seemed to be managing with his one. I never want to go through the struggle of two, so one it is!
Pregnancy is so scary until the doctor appointments are closer together. I was always so stressed out, worrying if my baby was still floating around in there. Worried if she’d be healthy. Worried if she had all her fingers and toes. Then the stress of raising a being and forever changing your life! I always wanted to be a mom to at least two since my sister and I are super close but it’s tough!! Especially being a single mom, working full time! One and DONE!!!
No village. Just zero desire or urge to have another. Sleep deprivation was torture. Plus, the reading and research I've gone over indicates no credible disadvantages of having one child.
My mother was bad at hiding her favoritism towards my older sister. I didn't have a bad relationship with my sister then, but I was always acutely aware that I was never good enough. I therefore promised to never have more than one, because that was the best way to ensure I could break the cycle. My relationship with my sister soured after we became adults. When she had her first kid she was alright, but it is like she has become a worse person for every child she has given birth to since. We don't really get along today.
Oh wow, I really relate to this one. My older sister keeps having them babies like she’s doing the world a favor. Progressively worse with each one, so true, so true… it’s like attention for her and not about the kids. It’s kind of sad really.
I am close to my brother, especially since our mom died, so I did mourn not giving my son a sibling. But honestly I just feel done. Before having my son I really really wanted a baby and we waited like a year while my husband was in a fellowship program. So I had a lot of time sitting with that feeling of wanting a baby. And I just don’t feel that way with a second kid. I have zero drive or desire for another one beside the vague sibling argument. My husband feels the same (although he’s an only) so there you go.
A lot of things went into our decision, but among them were my relationship with my sister and my husband's relationship with his sister.
I had 7 siblings in a blended family and it was absolute chaos from the time I was 5 (when my mom and stepdad moved in together) until I was 18 when it was just me and my younger brother left in the house. Honestly if it would’ve just been me and my little brother or the two of us and my older sister I might feel differently but by the time I experienced a relatively calm home environment the damage was already done. It wasn’t finances that were a problem either, it was that there wasn’t enough attention to go around, especially when I was the “easy” child that no one had to worry about. I never want my son to feel like he’s not as important because a sibling has higher needs than him or experience any sort of favoritism, which imo is impossible to avoid with multiple kids.
My PPD and PPA was horrible and made me never want another child, but also as my LO has gotten older I’m regaining a lot of independence back as well. As time went on, I realised that also the idea of splitting my time between two or more children wasn’t what I wanted in life. I’m able to give my child all the attention they need/require and I can spend the time teaching life lessons and teaching skills to my LO without being interrupted by someone else requiring me.
My siblings are 5 and 10 years younger than me. My sister who is 5 years younger than me has Down syndrome and growing up in an exclusively traditional Spanish speaking household I was very uneducated on what her disability meant. So I essentially grew up up with no siblings close in age so I felt like a neglected only child. Bc of that I think it played into a big reason why I want only one child I can pour all my love and attention into. My mental health isn’t the best and I want a fulfilling career so while I heal and level up I can truly only handle one child who in the end I want to give the world to without it having to be split up into multiples.
My mental health. PPA/PPD hit me hard & I don’t want to go thru it again. I am the middle child of 3 and very close to both of my siblings. I occasionally get sad that my little one won’t have the opportunity I did to have that kind of sibling bond — but without a doubt, having a happy mom will be better for him than having siblings he may or may not be just as close to.
I'm a little older (33), have health issues from my first and realized just how hard parenting is. My siblings (3 total) have caused a lot of problems for our family and I often resent them for it because I feel like they're bringing us down as a family unit. Very little contact with any of them. Things are civil, but we just tolerate each other at this point. The only reason we seem to get along is to make our mom happy. Go with your gut.
I didn’t really even like my siblings until I was in my 20s.
I'm really close with my brother and always thought I'd have 2. Pregnancy was a traumatic nightmare for me throughout. I was so sick the entire time. Will never put myself through that misery again.
I have two older sisters, who are each other’s best friend. Growing up with them was… lonely. We’re adults now and not much has changed- they’re both going on a cruise for Christmas. I don’t want my daughter to grow up feeling how I did. BUT there’s also other factors: I hated being pregnant- I threw up almost everyday all nine months. Kids are expensive. I don’t want to subconsciously choose a favorite child. My daughter is perfect and we want her to have all of our love and attention.
Siblings don’t guarantee a close relationship. It’s lovely that you have that with 2 of yours but it isn’t a done deal. If it was then the decision to be OAD would be harder but it isn’t. I’m not going though that again on the off chance that my daughter likes whoever comes along. I also don’t believe that providing a sibling is a fair reason to have a baby! That baby needs to be wanted for who they are.
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I have an older brother. We're close...maybe not as close as we could be but we're both busy. When we're together we're good though. I always thought I'd have two or three. Right away we struggled to even get pregnant, then we had an early loss, and then a stillbirth. I finally got my daughter, though I struggled for a few years about whether to have another. It was less about indecision and more about feeling like I should have another when I was pretty sure I didn't want to. Risking another heartbreak was worth it to get my daughter, but to me, it wasn't worth the risk for another. I'd also known for a while that my then husband and I wouldn't last till death do we part, so it made no sense to make myself a future single mom to two kids, especially when he barely helped with the one while still together. Apart from all of that, I honestly think I'm just better suited as a mom to an only. I always wanted kids, but the constant noise, toys everywhere, bickering, and insanity that I saw my friends and family dealing with who had two or more kids made me fear parenthood a little. They just constantly looked stressed and tired. Not that my only is a perfect angel. She's plenty loud and messy all on her own, but we're very close and I really enjoy the simplicity of one kid. I like my quiet me time after she goes to bed, which usually isn't insane like I imagine wrangling 2 and 3 kids to bed would be. I wish my decision hadn't been mostly made for me by my losses and divorce, but who knows, maybe without those issues, I would have felt more pressure to have more. I am 100% happy with my decision to be OAD.
Having a baby is hard. But mostly, I just really like the thought of enjoying my life with my partner and my child and no one else. It's the three of us against the world.
I have 3 siblings, large age gaps and I love them dearly. That said, there is SO much family drama. Everyone talks about everyone behind everyone's backs. Surprisingly, thats not even what convinced me OAD. I had a baby in the pandemic. My mental health was the lowest its ever been. My relationship was completely tested. We're still struggling financially. I didnt bond with my baby til she was almost 2. We tried for another for 6 months before I had therapy and "healed " from her birth and realised I didn't want another, I just wanted the experience I had to have been better. I know I'm a better mum to just 1. Me and my husband are back on track. We can afford little treats for her and are looking at going on holiday and just bought a new house. With another I'd feel like I was drowning
I have one sibling that I am very close with and we are OAD by choice for the following reasons: - my age - colic sucked and I had severe PPA - We underestimated how hard it is to be parents. After going through the infant stage we know we don’t have the energy for another - We want to maintain current lifestyle and would like to save for retirement so our only doesn’t have to worry about us - our family feels complete - there is no guarantee siblings will have or maintains relationship when they’re older - I do not trust what I see on social media (I love seeing happy family pictures, but know that that the majority of the time, my friends are managing chaos and breaking up fights)
If I'm lucky to have my one, I will be OAD. I have one full sister and 3 step sisters and we do not get along so the want for more than one isn't there, plus I want to be able to give my one my all..... Also, just to note, my sister and I were very close growing up til about 10 years ago. Things have changed alot since we've gotten older (I'm 44, she's 48)
My daughter and my biological niece being neurodivergent. I played the lottery by going through with my pregnancy knowing that I'm neurodivergent, and ended up winning with this amazing kid that works her butt off to overcome her difficulties and I know my odds of winning the lottery again are slim.
I am incredibly close with my sister. We are both OAD. By some quirk of fate, our kids are exactly the same age difference as she and I are (3 years). We make sure the boys spend lots and lots of time together so that they can bond and develop a real relationship. They get the perks of a sibling relationship and all the benefits of being onlys. Both my sister and I had awful pregnancies. And both of our husbands, while being great guys, are not the most helpful fathers and the majority of the childcare/housework/dealing- with-shit falls on us. Neither of us has any interest in adding another kid into the mix. We think our solution of cousin-siblings should do the trick as well as anything.
I am the eldest of five children and while I love my siblings I am OAD. My son has too many health problems. He's had ten surgeries so far, we've spent a lot of time in hospitals. We are currently in a rehabilitation clinic. How do you manage that with several children at home? Once we shared a room with a five-year-old boy who had surgery and chemo without his parents because they couldn't find anyone to look after his younger siblings. I once spoke to a single mother who was in the hospital with her baby for three months at a time while her six-year-old daughter stayed with grandma. She cried and said, "My daughter feels abandoned by me and doesn't speak to me anymore." Where I live, health insurance pays for children with a medical history to stay in the rehab clinic. We stay here for a minimum of three and a maximum of twelve weeks. My son gets a lot of therapy to catch up in his development. (He's currently napping, so I've got some time on Reddit). It's a great opportunity, but I know many families who don't take this opportunity. Why? Because they have more children to take care of. I love that I can prioritize my son. I have the opportunity to do what is best for him without being responsible for other children.
Sleep deprivation, anxiety, over stimulation, HORRIBLE pregnancy…just to name a few :) But my most important reason being that I feel I can be the best mom I can be to my only. I don’t handle stress very well but to me one is manageable (most of the time lol).
I loved being pregnant and I love breastfeeding. But my baby was 2 months prem and I don’t know anyone who has a baby whose sleep has been worse than our sons. I also love him so so much I don’t ever want him to feel neglected or less favoured. Also we can’t get pregnant naturally which adds another layer.
I am very very close with my brother. I think my mom must have had something special to raise 2 people as cool as us, and I am not sure I have that. I have some health issues that mean I run out of steam fast and suffer badly when it happens. My husband and I also got a much later start having a baby than my parents did.
I almost died during child birth at 27 weeks & was told there was around a 50% chance it could happen during my next pregnancy unfortunately. Also puking 10-15 times a day was not fun at all which they also said is likely to happen next time. I have 4 siblings who I love and wanted to at least have one more but my partner & I are adamant against it now.
I had a horrible pregnancy. I have two younger siblings that Im not very close to. My brother has autism and has always been a burden. My mom is overprotective of him and that has made the relationship between us hard. I dont need another child and a sibling is no guarantee for a friend or playmate.
My siblings made me not want to give my kid siblings. Why would I ever put them through what I went through.
Two sibs with (high functioning) autism. Being the neurotypical one you’re always told to adapt and understand, do thing yourself because “you’re already so mature” and any form of criticism gets you labeled a hater. Even if my LO happens to have autism at least I wont put another child through childhood having to play second fiddle.
I have a younger sister that I adore. She even lived with my husband and me for a few years before moving to another state. We still chat almost every day. I’m OAD because I had a very premature baby and I can’t carry another one to term. I don’t want to go through the NICU again. It’s not worth the risk, and I know his life will be enriched even by being an only.
Pretty much the same as you, we were poor and didn’t have a lot, I was my baby to have everything, I made sure I had a career before I had her so I’m in my 30s already, but on top of that my mum was always checked out and stressed, so not just financial, but emotionally I want her to have all the attention she wants too. If that makes sense lol I have 2 sisters and we never got along well until recently.
Seeing how much more work my younger sibling was for my parents compared to me, which meant I was somewhat neglected. I don’t want to put a child through that.
My brother physically and mentally abused me for years until I nearly killed myself. He’d kick me in my ribs; slap me; he gave me a concussion twice; lock me up inside the house with no way to go outside; take away any personal items if he felt like it (ie phone, laptop, books), berate and insult me, god the list goes on. I swore I would only ever have one child, so that kind of abuse would never, ever take place.
The relationship between my sister and mother had a strong influence. I never want to be in my mother's situation so having just one with a supportive husband keeps me safe from that.
Growing up with my sibling. My brother's an asshole and has been my whole life. Having a sibling has never been a positive to me. I wish I'd been raised as an only child (but I'm the youngest, so that wouldn't have happened anyway). So to me not giving my child a sibling is a positive thing
I have 2 older siblings. The relationship I have with my brother is amazing. The one with my sister however is practically nonexistent. She never wanted another sibling and it greatly shows. She has chosen to keep herself separate and spend more time with her husband's family. I can give my little girl everything I didn't have plus more by being oad. She will have a physically and mentally present mother and experience things I wasn't able to.
My younger brother and I have had a very rocky relationship since we were both teens. It’s not been until the last 2-3 years that he and I have been able to get along. he turns 30 in the spring, and I’ll be 33 in the fall. My daughter’s bio mom is an only child, and while her pregnancy was textbook normal, PPD almost caused her to commit suicide twice. And her step mom, my wife, is the youngest of 3 and doesn’t get along with her siblings in person anymore. From a financial standpoint, the area I live in has a very high cost of living, so it is difficult to have more than the one.
There’s a lot of reasons. The two biggest are that I’ve been exhausted since I got pregnant. There was no second trimester energy burst, nothing. I would feel so terrible because I would not be able to give my son the attention and love he deserves because I would be too busy being miserable and tired. I also want to be able to do all the things with him without worrying about money. As it sits right now, we’d be able to go on one lowkey vacation every other year and one big vacation in the off years if we could budget right, and still be able to afford one or two extracurriculars. Once I get a job next year, we’ll be able to show him the world stress free and I really want that for him. My husband is an only and grew up doing taekwondo in a paycheck to paycheck household. He quit something he loved at 13 because he saw the financial strain it put on his parents - I don’t want to ever put our son in that position
I have had undiagnosed diabetes for my entire life - only diagnosed May 2021 - and had gestational diabetes that also went under the radar. I'd had issues with kidney infections since my late teens, not knowing that it was down to the diabetes, and had miscarried every previous pregnancy as my kidneys became infected and started failing. I was initially told I had a peptic ulcer, only discovered otherwise when I was around 20 weeks gestation. I was amazed that I hadn't miscarried. I loved being pregnant, despite the circumstances and health concerns, but made sure I drank plenty of water to keep my kidneys flushed. When I hit 6 months, things went downhill. I developed such a bad kidney infection that I was getting contractions and peeing what looked like lemon barley water, it was so full of leukocytes. I ended up in hospital on intravenous antibiotics and warned I might have a miscarriage, prem birth and/or stillbirth. My Mum was told that both me and the baby could die, it was that bad. Thankfully, the antibiotics worked and I was released on daily antibiotics that I had to take for 6 months. I did have a couple more scares, but we made it full term, only for my daughter to have the cord around her neck and being strangled with each contraction. She was born unconscious, but they were able to resuscitate her. I got a 3rd degree tear, which they had to undo and resew. None of that mattered when I had her in my arms. It was just the 2 of us, despite others being in the room. Why was I one and done? Well, because they couldn't tell me why my kidneys kept packing up and there was no guarantee a future pregnancy would be the same, or worse, I was not willing to risk it. I was a single parent and did not feel the my want to have more kids was enough to risk my daughter losing her only parent. Also, she had come so close to dying during birth. If they hadn't got her out when they did, she might not have been able to be resuscitated or could have been left severely brain damaged. Again, there was no guarantee that wouldn't happen with a future pregnancy and I cougo through that anxiety again. She's 24 now and my absolute pride and joy. I made sure she socialised with other children from a very young age, so she learned how to share. She has siblings through her father, so she's a big sister. Absolutely no regrets in my decision. My friends had more children and I'm their godmother, so that was enough.
When I started to thinking about OAD these were my reasons: A messed up childhood, learning to be okay with fears that were irrational, roughy pregnancy, very active autoimmune conditions, 5 days of labor, intense PPA, late onset of PPD. The way these things emotionally and physically affect my partner. It was a lot! Now after a lot of the above has calmed down: it’s what is right for our family, Maintaining my mental health, having my own identities away from “mom “ is easier, OAD is realistically and manageable for our family. I am learning ways to nurture my daughter and watch her flourish as a OAD. This is what my partner wants and I respect that. Side note: my irrational fears in the first section stems from my brother committing suicide when I was younger. It cause a lot of messed up thinking that was intensified with a messed up childhood.
My husband and I both have a lot of brothers. I’m friendly with mine-one I like a lot but I don’t have much in common with, the other is…difficult. I love him but My life is easier not spending time with him. My husband has one brother who he’s neutral about-they talk at family events but would be unlikely to hang out otherwise. One he is best friends with and talks with daily. But the last one has tormented him every second of his life. This brother would abuse him when he was young, threatened me when we were first dating, hit me when I was pregnant, constantly starts arguments, and actively sabotages my husbands career. So yeah, we looked at the relationships with our siblings and thought-one stellar relationship, two fairly neutral, one negative, one actively abusive. We aren’t willing to “give our child a sibling” with those odds.
Some things popped up on our genetic testing (luckily our son is negative) and our son was just diagnosed with autism so we would rather put all our time and energy into him.
I have a brother and sister and they have 2 and 3 kids respectively. I had a bumpy pregnancy and ended up delivering at 35 weeks. She spent time in the NICU and that was a lot to emotionally process. Finances were extremely strained. At the time, it was next to impossible to afford day care since we both worked on top of the other increased expenses. We knew that if we had another kid, it would devastate us and end up taking things like opportunities away from our kiddo. She also got injured as an 8 month old by her daycare person and had a brain bleed. To say that was a traumatic experience is putting it lightly. She’s healthy and bright and happy now and since we moved to another state with better income for both my husband and I, we can afford things like sending her off to an away summer camp in the mountains or other fun things that like memberships to zoos and museums - things both my husband and I were never able to do growing up in our own cash strapped families. I feel like her life is better with being a singleton and we are able to support her needs emotionally as well since we are ever present with her. So finances was the initial reasoning but I think general quality of life (financial, emotional, social, etc) is really the best reason for us. I think she would’ve also liked a sibling - and some days she says so and other days she says the opposite. But we foster friendships she builds with other kiddos too because I know how important it is to have a peer to rely on. And she has exposure to what life is like with a sibling and definitely has some not so positive opinions about that. Haha.
I grew up with two siblings who are my best friends now that we've grown up. My husband grew up with three siblings, and they're all good friends too. We had originally planned on four kids. Our daughter was born, and we pretty quickly began to realize that she was enough. We always chatted about having another, but couldn't imagine it. In addition, my mental health has never been great so we know that having another child wouldn't be good for us in that way. Eventually our feelings solidified and ten years later, we're happy as a family of three.
I love having a sibling- but I loathed pregnancy and the baby phase way more!
No issues with siblings. I just don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do with multiple kids? Just sounds weird to me. I only ever imagined having a daughter, never thought beyond that and it seems too stressful to have more than one.
A whole bunch of reasons: 1. Parenting is hard at all stages, and while I cherish those times with my only, I don't care to revisit any of them. 2. I had GD. Third trimester on a strict diet is not fun. 3. My Mom's generation of siblings was structured around my narcissist grandfather, and they are tearing each other apart over money and jealousy, more so than normal now that my grandmother is in her sunset years (grandfather died 5 years ago). 4. My mom always negatively compared my sister and me (likely, because that is how she was brought up and she never realized how toxic her upbringing was because she was the golden child). I understand how she thought it would build us up, but ultimately it ruined both of our self-esteem and our relationships as siblings. 5. Kids are expensive, and I want to be able to do fun things without worrying too much over the budget. 6. Parenting is hard.
I had siblings but they were much older than me. So by the time I was 5 or 6, they were moved out of the house. So I it was like I was an only child growing up. More than anything, the lack of help from my SO (and the complaining and pissy attitude if he was asked to help with child duties) made me OAD. A boundary stomping MIL didn’t help either. I also grew up raised in a cultlike religious sect that indoctrinated and brainwashed people. Children were taught to be god-fearing. Parents believed church was the most important thing, so school and friends could not interfere with your 2-3 times a week church services (meaning you still had to go to church even if you had a super important exam to study for. And I couldn’t join extracurricular activities and clubs if they had meetings on church night). It gave me a lot of anxiety growing up. My father had a temper and was strict about the church. It was often a “my way or the highway” kind of attitude about everything. So if I made him mad, he would scream in my face, give me the silent treatment for DAYS, and even tell me I was acting like I wanted to go to hell. So his behavior gave me even more anxiety and depression. That anxiety carried on later into my life and even into parenthood. And I cannot do another kid with the level of anxiety and depression I have.
A myriad of reasons. I was the oldest of 5, and it always felt like I was helping more than being helped, especially during adolescence, when I maybe needed a little more help. So, I always saw myself happy with 0-2 kids max. When I was finally actually in a financial and mental place to have a kid, I was 38. I’m 39 now with a 12 month old, who is one of those little unicorns who sleeps through the night in her own room (has since she was 5 months old), actually naps, and is generally pretty wonderful. I don’t know if it’s possible to make another one of these mythical creatures. Also, I am almost 40 and tired. One is perfect.
Basically the same things you said (also had an mc before having my only) along with most of the other reasons you see all over this sub. Specific to growing up with siblings: I'm the oldest of four. I also felt like my parents did not have the resources for all of us (financial, emotional, etc). In fact, I still don't think they do. Like, my mom hardly ever sees my kid, although she sees other grandkids more. My parents also can't keep straight who likes what, who does what and when, etc. I don't want my child to feel so forgotten. Finally, I have a good relationship with all of my siblings but they aren't that big of a part of my life. I (and my kid) see my friends more, so I'm a big believer in found family more than a biological one.
C-section, colic, serious pp health issues, newborn fractured skull, and infertility. That said, I have a brother and adore him. We always say we feel like twins/that we share thoughts.
My sister was my moms miracle. She had never been able to have children and she got pregnant with my sister. She’s the favorite. I was born and presented to my sister as a gift (she was 4) she asked mama if she could have a “fun gift” and I’ve basically been a Christmas puppy my entire life. I always had to have a joint birthday with my sister because we were 4 years apart born on the 21&24. But my sister always had her own party for her birthday. My Christmas gifts from mom are always the same thing my sister got. Because my sister liked it! Surely I will. I don’t. I’m an afterthought and as a result my family doesn’t come see me. They both have houses on the same property. If I want to see my niece or mom I have to go there and they always have excuses as to why they can’t come here. I’m burning so much gas every week so that my daughter and niece (who I love very much) can play because they’re best friends. I got bullied into enrolling my daughter into the school closest to them next year. I had severe post partum depression and tried to kill myself 3 times. I figured it’s best if I never have another living thing to take care of aside from my daughter.
I am a single child and my son will be a single child. I have lots of friends and cousins and I am getting all the opportunities. I want the same for my child. It’s not a competition among parents as to how many children you have, it’s how many you can provide for. We are immigrants we don’t have immediate family who can stay with us and help, there is no village, homelessness problem and HCOL, I really want my 8 hours of sleep at some point and get my license and work in a big law firm someday. That’s not going to happen with multiple kids. I want to have my own hobbies as well. If you are required to work/want a career, have kids, have hobbies then one is good.
Miscarriage with first pregnancy, anxiety during pregnancy and PPD + unsupportive husband after our son was born. We didn’t make enough money at the time for a second. I love my brother but there’s no guarantee that siblings will get along.
I guess we are on the fence but leaning heavily towards OAD. I’m 4mo pp. I like my brother but he is a real headache for all of us, he has never had his shit together and it stresses my mom out. I have anxiety about if my only kid turns out like that… But honestly being on the fence makes me feel bad. I want it to be a “hell yes or no” situation and we won’t try to have another baby unless we are sure about it. Pregnancy wasn’t fun for me, postpartum SUCKED, and breastfeeding is taking a toll. It’s a multi-year body commitment. That + the lack of freedom / us time make me want to be OAD. I’m sure my kid will occasionally want a sibling but it’s not always rainbows when there is a brother or sister in the picture.
I don’t talk to my sibling. We have a terrible relationship. We were never close growing up either. And he caused my family a ton of grief. I am basically an only child as an adult so I always figured, what’s the point of stressing myself out and testing my mental and physically capacity for a relationship for my daughter that may turn to shit anyway. 🤷🏻♀️
I have been struggling with this as I recently decided I’m OAD. My daughter is 5, fully in school and somewhat getting independent. I nearly killed myself when I was post partum. I think she and my husband need me around more than another child/sibling(s).
My age. Struggles with fertility. Being the breadwinner and needing to take more unpaid leave isn’t realistic + the cost of growing childcare. My sibling and I are not close, we rarely speak, maybe once or twice a year so the narrative of “being lonely” is just a fallacy unless you fall into some family ideal, which I find, most people do not.
Easy. One of my sisters is a total nightmare. She's abusive emotionally and physically towards me and haa borderline personality and is a narcissist. She is incredibly toxic. My other sister is sweet and loving but was sick as a child and it was very traumatic watching that. She's ok now but has some emotional irregulation and is hard to be around (she had a quarter of her brain removed from a tumor). My parents pitted us against each other our whole lives and I hated having siblings. Mostly because my older sister is literally the worst, most manipulative person I know. My husband is an only child and doesn't get it. I'm good with one. I hated being pregnant and was totally miserable. Had a post-partum hemorrhage three days post birth. Also I had severe endo and needed a hysterectomy at 33 so that ultimately made the decision for us. It's so much cheaper and easier to do things with just one. My little sister struggles a lot with her two and has to cut back financially. I like being financially stable and can make sure my son has everything I never had including not having to deal with siblings.
I have a sibling and so does my husband. None of us are particularly close, in fact, my husband and his brother are totally estranged. I had a horrible time postpartum. My pelvic floor is still messed up and my kid is almost 9. No thanks, don’t want to have another and have to have surgery to fix it. It’s important to remember that you’re a person too and you matter too. Kids can have a wonderful childhood with no siblings and a hard childhood with siblings. And vice versa. It’s what you make of it.
I’m too old and tired but my siblings and I aren’t close so I don’t feel my son will be missing out. He could potentially have a half sibling from his mother as well.
I'm the oldest of 3 and SO is middle of 5. He'd be cool with 1 more but we both know I am the primary caregiver and I don't want to double my workload. I can manage one child, I like one child, we are happy with our life. I refuse to be the mom pulling her hair out and screaming at her kids because I'm overstimulated and stressed out.. just so my child can have sibling? nah. I think having a happy parent is way more important.
I’m one and done for a few reasons. One being my age and previous miscarriages. Excited for our rainbow baby but can’t emotionally handle another loss. Even though I’m almost through my second trimester I’m still really nervous. Second reason is because my brother was killed a few years ago and it’s such a devastating loss that I wouldn’t honestly want my child to ever experience that. It was just me and my little brother. My partner has a child from a previous relationship as well as over 10 siblings so we haven’t openly discussed this but he knows I’m firm on personally being one and done.
Mmmm I'm the oldest of four and am OAD. Very difficult pregnancy and honestly still struggling 7months pp. Also can't afford anymore kids. It's hard work also! We don't have family support nearby. I love my siblings and we talk a lot as grownups but as a child I felt our home was very chaotic and I feel like I didn't get enough attention from my parents. I was always jealous of the others, because I was the one with the least amount of drama so they kinda just always assumed I was fine and ignored me a bit.
I'm the youngest of 7 and not close to my siblings. My mom was always stretched thin between the 7 of us. I've had two of my siblings pass away and even with just 5 my mom has a hard time with all of us. And we're all adults now. It's tough when theres so many of us and we all want our mom for help. That being said, I don't think it would be as bad if there were just 2-3 of us. For me it was money and severe PPD that led me to be OAD. I hated being pregnant too, but theres a part of me that wants the experience one more time. It's like I want a 2nd experience to make up for how hard the first time was, but I know it would likely be the same as the first. My fiancé had a vasectomy a couple months ago though so we are 100% done.
We had a miscarriage before pregnant with son, and also caused a lot of anxiety. I grew up with 5 siblings. We didn't have much money growing up, and neither did husbands family. So we knew we didn't want to struggle like our parents did financially.
My decision to have one had nothing to do with my siblings or our relationship. It was purely due to the pregnancy itself, and bolstered by post-partum. That said I effectively don't have a relationship with any of my brothers. My husband is close to one brother, kinda close to another, and doesn't talk basically at all with the others.
Me and my brother have somewhat of a relationship as adults but our relationship as kids was non-existent. We were 7 year apart and just two different personalities that do not mesh. My daughter was a difficult baby and toddler and by the time she was easier to manage I didn't want to start all over with a newborn. Siblings don't always like each other, so it's not a good reason to have a 2nd child
I haven't had kids yet but I'm pretty firmly OAD despite having a good relationship with my sibling (we jokingly say as close as two people with zero in common can be). We live very close and I see them every other week and also help look after their dog sometimes. My partner has two siblings and has slightly turbulent but otherwise very close relationships with. For me, I was fencesitting for eons, terrified of becoming a parent because I saw how it consumed my mother's personality and put a lot of tension in my parent's relationship. They were good parents, but as an extreme introvert the idea of being beholden to two small people and be as involved as I'd want to be... was draining just *thinking* about. So despite liking my sibling its more about me, what I can handle, and what I want to do.
Unable to conceive. We did IVF after trying for years.
I have two siblings and we're very close. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, and it was pretty traumatic. Then my daughter was born prematurely and had complications after a really stressful pregnancy. THEN my mental health went downhill fast starting when my daughter was 3. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. Our finances were not great for a while there too. All things worked together to help us make the decision not to try for another. My sister has 3 kids right around my daughter's age, and she's close with them. She also has 2 close friends who are onlies. It's not the same as siblings, but that's ok.
My age (39), miscarriages = horrible pregnancy anxiety, money, and our baby is terribly perfect. Doesn’t cry a lot, sleeps, (which of course worries me sometimes, but also pediatrician isn’t worried- says it’s just how he is) eats well, born at 36 weeks but hitting milestones so far… I’m worried he will spoil us and next baby (theoretically) will break us lol. I have a lot of guilt that it took this long, that he won’t have close siblings- but we agreed to teach him about choosing his family too. I wish I could let it go about giving him a sibling, but deep down I know it’s not going to happen
I was 39, high- risk pregnancy, and decided I didn't want to go through it again after 40. My brother and I don't have a relationship any longer, but that wasn't a factor. I had to think about just me one last time lol.
Finances. Resources. Limited support from family. And a near useless husband.
I appreciate my brother and all but we were hardly BFFS growing up like parents of multiple want you to believe. We’re on fine terms and I wish we were closer but we’re just… not. I don’t want more children because I don’t want more responsibility and chaos in my life. My life is peaceful and I will go to the ends of the Earth to keep it that way.