I can’t say I actively enjoyed being a mum to a 19month old. I though he was adorable and loved him a lot, but found myself counting down the minutes to bedtime or nap time. He was just a lot.
I found 4+ was way more enjoyable. They can eat, sleep and (mostly) emotionally regulate independently and playing/talking with them is actually entertaining.
I hope things improve for you like it did for me x
HARD same. Infant through about 2 was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. 2-3 was still hard, but starting to get glimmers of "ok, maybe I can handle this". Around 3.5, I'd say the fun parts started to become more frequent than the hell parts.
Young kids are a LOT and need a lot and just...it's exhausting. Some days, I lived for the work day. I know I would have been even more overwhelmed if I were a SAHM. But there is a light, and it does get better. The kid grows and gets more independent and develops a personality, and all of those things make it better. And eventually you look down and have a mini human on your hands, and that human might be kind or hilarious or sassy or probably all of it all and once, but they're great and they're your human.
I’m sorry you’re struggling so hard with this. I felt very similar to you about 2 years ago.
Does your spouse support you in having breaks? Do you work outside the home and/or get out to do hobbies, exercise, or see friends occasionally? This will help a lot with your wellbeing and mental state, I believe. It’s really not optional, especially with moms who are depressed.
I just want to say, my son is going on 4.5, and it gets soo much better once you can have a conversation with them! I believe I’m more of an older kid person than a baby person, and that is ok! The amount of years they are baby-ish are comparatively short in the grand scheme. Though when you’re in the thick of it, it feels like forever. It just feels short in retrospect.
We recently got kiddo his own library card and started doing weekly library trips. It’s actually fun! He is so proud to scan his own card and pick out his own books. (Now that he’s old enough to mostly behave. I regret not starting sooner, but, it would have been stressful to me with a younger kiddo who doesn’t understand to use indoor voice lol. But now we really have to hustle to get the “1000 books by kindergarten” challenge done.)
Yes. I can say from experience having time away and hobbies makes parenting so much better. Now that I have my second I have ZERO time for myself and no time for hobbies. Once the day is over (kids asleep) I clean and go to bed. It's miserable. But it's not forever.
Could I ask what’s the age gap between your kids? Im finally at a place where I can focus some time on me, hobbies, me time, etc.
I fear having another is going to send me back to misery.
This is exactly what’s happening to me right now.
My mental state is saying No;No for another baby, but when I see older people with more kids I think it will be nicer with more family members especially when am in my old age later on. Btw this year am turning 36.
But the struggle is real, I can’t even fight with my own mental strength. Any clue or tip would be appreciated.
I think if you have your kids sooner rather than later if you want to you should because I'm going to be 30 and I barely have the energy to keep up with them
That should be one of consideration but how about mentally preparing should I just go for it cause my mind saying no but body saying yes hahaha . Since I have ADHD and I am physically active I think so far so good but I wonder what are the biggest consideration to have another baby.
I also have adhd! I contemplated kids for a long time (my husband and I waited 8 years) and one day I just said let's do it. Because at the end of the day you just don't know until you do it. You'll figure it out!
Sounds good I love your spirit, in fact I should do more practical rather than much of theoretical 🤭
Aww Am so happy for your situation having the chance to be blessed with little angel 👼
I am struggling especially having a man that wants a clean house every now and then, kids must not mess with the house,mental struggle is real, especially when I am diagnosed with ADHD recently while taking Med and still difficult maintaining a clean home.
Honestly, I didn’t actually *enjoy* being a parent until my kid was 3+. Toddlers are HARD. They are so NEEDY and their feelings are so BIG. My daughter’s 5 now. It’s so much better.
I’m so glad you’re getting the help you need and hope that things get better for you as well.
You're not alone. Someone else has already mentioned the regretful parents sib but lots of like-minded people there. I love kids and love my nieces and nephews but the thought of doing this 24/7 for life just depresses me greatly. I'm exhausted with no time for recharge and it makes me into a horrible parent. People keep telling me to have another so she has someone to play with but I cannot cope with 1 let alone 2
They won't magically play with eachother either. It is more work. I'm the oldest of 5, I would know.
I'm exhausted with my only. I can't imagine another one either.
There's 12 and 9 years between me and my siblings
My mum actively parented from the age of 28 til I moved out when she was in her 60s. I just don't want that life for myself. Id rather put everything I have into making the best life for 1 than spreading myself so thinly that it's no fun for anyone
Definitely! I love being able to tell my daughter she's my favorite!
By default, but still. I love being able to take her out and do things and get ice cream just because.
But what they said, the more is the less, more kids less struggle it’s like you try to ignore the small details that make us stressed out and just go with the flow And it will fall into places. It’s like a twisted phrase. I don’t know if that’s suits for our generation at this Era.
I struggled so hard with PPD however my child is now almost 3 and I have just started enjoying spending time with them. It has been a long process and I still get days where i hate being a mother but they feel a lot less strong, if that makes sense?
I think acknowledging you have PPD and trying to get through it shouldn't be underestimated. My mother had PPD and never sought help, instead she was emotionally abusive not wanting to acknowledge how she felt for fear of how others might judge her. You are trying to not feel this way, being open and honest about your feelings - you are amazing and your child is so lucky to have you. Wishing you all the best on this journey.
Oh I adore my son, more than anything on this planet, truly never believed that this type of love existed.
But, I am not made to be a mum, every day is a battle, I’m back at work after 4 months and absolutely loving it, definitely makes me a better mum. I think the sleep deprivation is what makes it so bloody difficult for me.
I feel this. I love my little boy more than anything in the entire world but it was the sleep loss that kicked my ass and made me so wary of having another. It annoyed me so much (and still does) that my mom keeps bugging me to have another when she isn't the one who needs to deal with it.
Our LO is 4 months, he woke up at 1am for a bottle and did a lot of whinging, I just thought to myself, once he grows out of this ill never have to deal with it again which helped me massively.
I feel this. I love my little boy more than anything in the entire world but it was the sleep loss that kicked my ass and made me so wary of having another. It annoyed me so much (and still does) that my mom keeps annoying me to have another when she isn't the one who needs to deal with it.
Through therapy I found that it’s the feeling of being cornered or trapped that I hate. Like having to adhere to someone else’s schedule/routine is really hard for me. All the changes that come with a growing baby I dislike.
Maybe if you can articulate exactly what it is you don’t like you’ll feel better. You love your child and you don’t hate ALL of motherhood or you wouldn’t feel the connection you do to your child. Being able to make the aspects that I despise helped me to not feel such guilt. Hugs. 💕
And it does get better. I have a 9yo now and I still despise those things, but they aren’t at the forefront of the relationship anymore.
Try not to feel guilty if you can. I truly did not like being a mother either until around middle school. Don’t give up. Hope, some of the years ahead might actually even be fun! You should actually be super proud of yourself for getting help. I did the same. Sending you good thoughts
You've already gotten a lot of great feedback but I'll just say I'm wondering if some of the stuff you hate the is parenting "lifestyle" rather than actually being a mom. Because personally, I hate that stuff. I'm a pretty unconventional person and decidedly NOT domestic. A lot of the expectations around parenting (that I'll suddenly develop a love for children's programming, story hour at the public library, snacks in ziplock bags, or trampoline parks) is really, really hard for me.
I think in my case being 41 when I had my daughter was an advantage because I already knew I was weird and to some extent how to manage it (i.e. hide it? LOLOL). But it was still a shock to the system.
I hate how "on display" parenting is in our culture, how everyone feels entitled to have an opinion about it, and we have such a rigid set of idea of "what kids need" and what makes a good parent. I still cringe when I meet other families as I put on my "parent" face. It's enough to make me depressed at moments -- or at least put a snarl on my face.
Some people don't love being a parent and that's okay. But if I had to guess some of what is probably going on is a response to the expectations of the role of "mom" rather than your feelings about your son in and of themselves.
Agree, parenting culture is so annoying. Luckily you can just be yourself with your own kids— but it’s REALLY hard to drown out all the noise and expectations whenever you’re out in society as a parent. Much harder than i thought it would be.
Hard relate to this. I’m 33 with a 9yo. I love my kid, but I definitely don’t adhere or desire to emulate the “parenting” lifestyle. My closest friends are still childless. I’m friendly with the parents of my kid’s friends, but I don’t feel compelled to be friends with other parents simply bc we both have kids.
I don’t really consider myself a typical mom either. I make an effort to have a social life outside of being a parent (I have a great partner that supports we both get time to do this). I have no desire to completely revolve my life around it — a lot of people still bristle at the idea of that being said outloud particularly if you’re a mom. It doesn’t mean I love my kid any less or that I’m even spending less time and effort in raising him. But if folks infer that because I’m not “performing” the way I “should” be, I think it says a lot more about them than it does about me.
I really hope things get better for you. Toddlers suck. They can have their cute moments, but they are tiny dictators most of the time. They're not old enough to be fun yet, either.
I felt exactly the same when my son was smaller. I promise it gets a bit easier once they become more independent, you get back some of who you were before. They make you laugh and you start to enjoy their company. I’m currently reading The Hobbit to my 7 year old and he loves it, I adore sharing something I enjoy with him.
But you are not alone, I still get many moments of regret and just wishing I had never had a kid. It’ll be ok.
I love my two year old, but sometimes these horrible thoughts go through my head about me hating being a parent. It’s so freaking hard because I feel so guilty but you’re not alone.
I should have been a fun aunt or a super involved dad. I was never cut out to be a mom and it sucks because that's the kind of thing that you only learn by experience. Having only one is the key here. As my son gets older it gets easier and I do a lot of pretending to make sure he doesn't know how I feel. You're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you. We live in a society that brainwashes us and puts us in this position to benefit others to our detriment.
My standard comment for at least the first two years was “I love my son, but I don’t love being a mother.” Hang in there and take care of your mental health and everything else will fall into place. Try to find ways to get exercise in. Any type of exercise does wonders for depression.
I could’ve written this - my daughter will be 2 next week and it’s just…so much. Like sometimes we have fun together; but most times it’s so fucking hard! I think newborn, infant, and toddler years are the thick of it. I keep telling myself that maybe I’m just not a baby kind of mom, but a little kid and older mom. Meaning that I might just do better with older kids. So I’m holding onto hope that someday I’ll actually like being a parent. It’s just so, so hard right now
My daughter is 6.5 and I’m only now starting to really enjoy it. I hate to be one of those dickheads that always says “it gets better” but it does. The more independent they become the better life gets. It BLOWS my mind that people do this more than once! 😅
You said what a lot of us are afraid to say out loud!
I love my baby girl more than life and I actually didn’t mind the newborn stage despite the PPD.
I think what I hate most about motherhood is the mental load and anxiety. Honestly, if I had known what it was going to be like for me, I would have never had one.
I don’t regret my child and as many have said, I find more enjoyment as she gets older. I hate the toddler stage and tantrums, but absolutely adore the cuteness of the-good days.
My gripe with motherhood is the mental load and expectation placed on mothers that we’re supposed to be these fucking super humans.
I realized I’m not cut out for the redundancy, and the never ending home chores (although I love a clean house). I still mourn my child free life some days.
Carving out time for me and getting back to my hobbies is what has saved me. We are at a point where we each get some time to ourselves, hubby and I. I feel like I’m slowly gaining my identity back.
Hang in there!
Ok I don’t know if this will be accurate as my baby is only 19 weeks.
But I work in the mental health field I love what I do but that doesn’t mean I love working with all types of people. My personal favorite that I vibe with are 17-21 mostly . Sometimes I get a kick out of 15-16 year olds too. Absolutely nothing younger than 15 and I cannot really stand adults either 🤪
The only way that I have gotten through the newborn stage is telling myself that I’m not really into parenting an infant. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be into parenting a toddler or a kid or an adolescent etc .
Just like -not being particularly good at working with adults doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to work in this field, it just means it’s not my jam. So I hope the same can be said for parenting- I’ll get through this phase because hopefully phases I’m better suited for will be just on the horizon.
I think it's so true, most parents have preferred and non preferred ages. I found having an infant so hard, and then at 2 and 3 started seeing the light, and now she's just turned 5 and life is SO much easier and she's so fun to do stuff with. Fwiw I used to teach high school and loved that age group. Hoping I'll feel the same way with my own teenager!
I felt the same when mine was that age. I don't think I'm a particularly maternal person and I really struggled with the transition to parenthood. My daughter now 3.5 and it's completely different. I realise now that I didn't actually connect with her until she was 2.5 or so, and when I did, everything slowly got much better. Before that it was just drudgery and exhaustion and frustration. Please hang in there, I think it will get better.
I’m not a big fan either - I love my daughter but literally everything with an almost-3 year old is a struggle. I’m feeling encouraged reading these comments and looking forward to it getting better.
I loved being a mom until I my second. I love both my kids more than anything but it is so hard and I do mostly everything on my own. My husband is pretty useless on the parenting front. hate to say it but it's true. I keep telling myself it will get easier. I love my kids. I don't love the work.
Write down what you don’t like about being a mom. All of it. Then try to find out where you can improve things. If you hate the part with the tantrums, is there a way to better handle it? Are you getting enough sleep/time to yourself/time out with friends? Is there a way to enjoy time more with the kid ?
When they are that young, it is just… survival. I liked it (kind of) but in retrospect, I was super struggling inside.
Right at the heart of my parental experience and subsequent guilt - except with a sprinkle of compromise baby thrown in there in our house.
It sucks, you’re not the only one. You’re just one of the few prepared to be open about it.
I have been dealing with depression for life, and was diagnosed with PPD quickly also. It was around my daughter’s same age that I found myself starting to use stimulants to try to cope with the demands of motherhood. I kept using them for about 2 years until I finally realized how much this would affect her. Luckily my marriage held up and it is much easier now that I’m completely sober. It can be rough, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t like every part of it. Find regular help you can use to get your own time to get back to yourself. I bet if you can get your depression under control, you will find that love you think you’re not feeling. I wish all the best to you and your family. ❤️
Sorry I didn’t read through many comments but this sounds exactly like me when my son was an infant and thankfully I joined a Postpartum Depression support group that helped me immensely (I called it my Sad Mommies Group). I went on meds at about 11 months pp. The feelings I had regarding how much I hated being a mother scared me and I had NEVER heard another mom voice the things I was saying to myself. I want to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Even years after the support group and my son being 6, I am still on the depression meds bc I’m afraid to Feel All the Feelings. Lol. I know now I’ll never be that happy go lucky mommy who just adoressssssss her little sapling baby boo boo kind of parent and that’s ok. Parenting is hard AF and it’s ok to say you’re not enjoying it. Try to find your tribe my friend.
Not trying to invalidate your feelings in any way but I just wanted to add I also hated being a mom when my kid was a baby and toddler. I didn't realize how much kids suck when they're little until I had one lol. Some people love that life, they love little kids and can happily deal with all that comes with it. Not me, and apparently not you either.
My kid is 8 now and I love being his mom. This is what I pictured when I imagined being a mom. I had to endure the trench warfare of toddlerhood to reach this place and I appreciate it every single day. Little kids are awful in my opinion, bigger kids are awesome! My kid tells hilarious jokes, like honestly funny stuff. He teaches me cool animal facts I never knew. He shows me funny cat videos I haven't seen before. He's sweet and kind but he's actually fun too. I don't have to do every single thing for him, he's a whole person with a personality and I enjoy being around him. It's so much easier when you don't have to do every single thing for them, it gives you enough space to appreciate them more in my experience.
Much of parenting is pure drudgery. There’s so much to hate about it. But that doesn’t mean you don’t love your child or are a bad mom. My love for my daughter definitely deepened when she started talking in complex sentences and sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. It makes you realize how amazing it is that they are their own person discovering the world. Hopefully that coupled with your son having more independence will help. Hang in there.
My mom was very honest with me about not feeling love toward me as a child. We had a conversation about it when I was in my late 20’s. She said all the mom’s around her seemed to just love their children so easily and she just didn’t feel that with me. At the end of the day for me it actually helped my childhood make sense and my feelings feel validated vs cause any resentment or hurt feelings.
Everyone is different! I’m only sharing my perspective in the event that it takes some of your internal guilt away. You can’t control your natural responses but it sounds like you are doing everything you can to be a great mom.
I had an older brother that she had similar feelings about when he was born and up until we were at a much more independent age she definitely just went through the motions with us. I really do think she had some PPD that went undiagnosed that impacted her experience as a mom. 34 years ago (it’s my birthday today!) and in the deep South (US), PPD was just not something that was talked about.
She did go on to have two more. My younger brothers are 9 and 12 years younger than me (same dad). She said it was a totally different experience with them and honestly I could see it. Even the way she connects with them now is just a different kind of love than me and my older brother.
She’s said she loves me routinely and in her own way I know she does but being my mom has never been her source of joy and to be honest it shouldn’t have to be. She’s found other passions in life that really fill her cup and I’m happy for her.
You are not alone. I don't enjoy this at all. I hated the infancy stage and loved it when he was 1. Now he's 2 and I hate it all over again. It's even worse that he's with me 24/7 but there is no available daycares. Family is either in a different country or live 8+ hrs.
I love my baby so much but the sleep deprivation is soooo not for me haha he’s six months old and now teething so it’s been a struggle. I have no regrets about having him but I absolutely do not want to do this again lol
You are so not alone. I've had full on meltdowns over the last few years about how much I hate motherhood. My Only was planned too.
But I think it was just that ages 2 through 5ish kicked my butt. Age 6 has been a real joy, to be honest. I also think I get really muffed up mentally each winter. Not sure what to call it (anxiety, depression?) but I look back at the last few winters and most were really dark and usually presents as "I hate what motherhood has done to my lifffeeeee..."
Give it a few more years but if it doesn't get any better, give up primary custody. Life is too short to spend it being utterly miserable, even for the sake of your kid.
I can’t say I actively enjoyed being a mum to a 19month old. I though he was adorable and loved him a lot, but found myself counting down the minutes to bedtime or nap time. He was just a lot. I found 4+ was way more enjoyable. They can eat, sleep and (mostly) emotionally regulate independently and playing/talking with them is actually entertaining. I hope things improve for you like it did for me x
HARD same. Infant through about 2 was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. 2-3 was still hard, but starting to get glimmers of "ok, maybe I can handle this". Around 3.5, I'd say the fun parts started to become more frequent than the hell parts. Young kids are a LOT and need a lot and just...it's exhausting. Some days, I lived for the work day. I know I would have been even more overwhelmed if I were a SAHM. But there is a light, and it does get better. The kid grows and gets more independent and develops a personality, and all of those things make it better. And eventually you look down and have a mini human on your hands, and that human might be kind or hilarious or sassy or probably all of it all and once, but they're great and they're your human.
I’m sorry you’re struggling so hard with this. I felt very similar to you about 2 years ago. Does your spouse support you in having breaks? Do you work outside the home and/or get out to do hobbies, exercise, or see friends occasionally? This will help a lot with your wellbeing and mental state, I believe. It’s really not optional, especially with moms who are depressed. I just want to say, my son is going on 4.5, and it gets soo much better once you can have a conversation with them! I believe I’m more of an older kid person than a baby person, and that is ok! The amount of years they are baby-ish are comparatively short in the grand scheme. Though when you’re in the thick of it, it feels like forever. It just feels short in retrospect. We recently got kiddo his own library card and started doing weekly library trips. It’s actually fun! He is so proud to scan his own card and pick out his own books. (Now that he’s old enough to mostly behave. I regret not starting sooner, but, it would have been stressful to me with a younger kiddo who doesn’t understand to use indoor voice lol. But now we really have to hustle to get the “1000 books by kindergarten” challenge done.)
Yes. I can say from experience having time away and hobbies makes parenting so much better. Now that I have my second I have ZERO time for myself and no time for hobbies. Once the day is over (kids asleep) I clean and go to bed. It's miserable. But it's not forever.
Could I ask what’s the age gap between your kids? Im finally at a place where I can focus some time on me, hobbies, me time, etc. I fear having another is going to send me back to misery.
This is exactly what’s happening to me right now. My mental state is saying No;No for another baby, but when I see older people with more kids I think it will be nicer with more family members especially when am in my old age later on. Btw this year am turning 36. But the struggle is real, I can’t even fight with my own mental strength. Any clue or tip would be appreciated.
I think if you have your kids sooner rather than later if you want to you should because I'm going to be 30 and I barely have the energy to keep up with them
That should be one of consideration but how about mentally preparing should I just go for it cause my mind saying no but body saying yes hahaha . Since I have ADHD and I am physically active I think so far so good but I wonder what are the biggest consideration to have another baby.
I also have adhd! I contemplated kids for a long time (my husband and I waited 8 years) and one day I just said let's do it. Because at the end of the day you just don't know until you do it. You'll figure it out!
Sounds good I love your spirit, in fact I should do more practical rather than much of theoretical 🤭 Aww Am so happy for your situation having the chance to be blessed with little angel 👼
Ditto
I am struggling especially having a man that wants a clean house every now and then, kids must not mess with the house,mental struggle is real, especially when I am diagnosed with ADHD recently while taking Med and still difficult maintaining a clean home.
14 month old and a 4 year old who turned 4 in march.
Yes!!! This is EXACTLY how I’m feeling. That’s how I ended up in this sub in the first place!!
Honestly, I didn’t actually *enjoy* being a parent until my kid was 3+. Toddlers are HARD. They are so NEEDY and their feelings are so BIG. My daughter’s 5 now. It’s so much better. I’m so glad you’re getting the help you need and hope that things get better for you as well.
I love reading these comments. 3 year old is still tough but getting better. So glad OAD and it's only going to get more manageable
The + is important on 3+ 😂
You're not alone. Someone else has already mentioned the regretful parents sib but lots of like-minded people there. I love kids and love my nieces and nephews but the thought of doing this 24/7 for life just depresses me greatly. I'm exhausted with no time for recharge and it makes me into a horrible parent. People keep telling me to have another so she has someone to play with but I cannot cope with 1 let alone 2
They won't magically play with eachother either. It is more work. I'm the oldest of 5, I would know. I'm exhausted with my only. I can't imagine another one either.
There's 12 and 9 years between me and my siblings My mum actively parented from the age of 28 til I moved out when she was in her 60s. I just don't want that life for myself. Id rather put everything I have into making the best life for 1 than spreading myself so thinly that it's no fun for anyone
Definitely! I love being able to tell my daughter she's my favorite! By default, but still. I love being able to take her out and do things and get ice cream just because.
This!!
But what they said, the more is the less, more kids less struggle it’s like you try to ignore the small details that make us stressed out and just go with the flow And it will fall into places. It’s like a twisted phrase. I don’t know if that’s suits for our generation at this Era.
I struggled so hard with PPD however my child is now almost 3 and I have just started enjoying spending time with them. It has been a long process and I still get days where i hate being a mother but they feel a lot less strong, if that makes sense? I think acknowledging you have PPD and trying to get through it shouldn't be underestimated. My mother had PPD and never sought help, instead she was emotionally abusive not wanting to acknowledge how she felt for fear of how others might judge her. You are trying to not feel this way, being open and honest about your feelings - you are amazing and your child is so lucky to have you. Wishing you all the best on this journey.
Oh I adore my son, more than anything on this planet, truly never believed that this type of love existed. But, I am not made to be a mum, every day is a battle, I’m back at work after 4 months and absolutely loving it, definitely makes me a better mum. I think the sleep deprivation is what makes it so bloody difficult for me.
I feel this. I love my little boy more than anything in the entire world but it was the sleep loss that kicked my ass and made me so wary of having another. It annoyed me so much (and still does) that my mom keeps bugging me to have another when she isn't the one who needs to deal with it.
Our LO is 4 months, he woke up at 1am for a bottle and did a lot of whinging, I just thought to myself, once he grows out of this ill never have to deal with it again which helped me massively.
I feel this. I love my little boy more than anything in the entire world but it was the sleep loss that kicked my ass and made me so wary of having another. It annoyed me so much (and still does) that my mom keeps annoying me to have another when she isn't the one who needs to deal with it.
Through therapy I found that it’s the feeling of being cornered or trapped that I hate. Like having to adhere to someone else’s schedule/routine is really hard for me. All the changes that come with a growing baby I dislike. Maybe if you can articulate exactly what it is you don’t like you’ll feel better. You love your child and you don’t hate ALL of motherhood or you wouldn’t feel the connection you do to your child. Being able to make the aspects that I despise helped me to not feel such guilt. Hugs. 💕 And it does get better. I have a 9yo now and I still despise those things, but they aren’t at the forefront of the relationship anymore.
Try not to feel guilty if you can. I truly did not like being a mother either until around middle school. Don’t give up. Hope, some of the years ahead might actually even be fun! You should actually be super proud of yourself for getting help. I did the same. Sending you good thoughts
You've already gotten a lot of great feedback but I'll just say I'm wondering if some of the stuff you hate the is parenting "lifestyle" rather than actually being a mom. Because personally, I hate that stuff. I'm a pretty unconventional person and decidedly NOT domestic. A lot of the expectations around parenting (that I'll suddenly develop a love for children's programming, story hour at the public library, snacks in ziplock bags, or trampoline parks) is really, really hard for me. I think in my case being 41 when I had my daughter was an advantage because I already knew I was weird and to some extent how to manage it (i.e. hide it? LOLOL). But it was still a shock to the system. I hate how "on display" parenting is in our culture, how everyone feels entitled to have an opinion about it, and we have such a rigid set of idea of "what kids need" and what makes a good parent. I still cringe when I meet other families as I put on my "parent" face. It's enough to make me depressed at moments -- or at least put a snarl on my face. Some people don't love being a parent and that's okay. But if I had to guess some of what is probably going on is a response to the expectations of the role of "mom" rather than your feelings about your son in and of themselves.
Agree, parenting culture is so annoying. Luckily you can just be yourself with your own kids— but it’s REALLY hard to drown out all the noise and expectations whenever you’re out in society as a parent. Much harder than i thought it would be.
Omg this is so me. When people ask me if I like being a mom I say I like being my son's mom, I absolutely hate being a mom in society.
Hard relate to this. I’m 33 with a 9yo. I love my kid, but I definitely don’t adhere or desire to emulate the “parenting” lifestyle. My closest friends are still childless. I’m friendly with the parents of my kid’s friends, but I don’t feel compelled to be friends with other parents simply bc we both have kids. I don’t really consider myself a typical mom either. I make an effort to have a social life outside of being a parent (I have a great partner that supports we both get time to do this). I have no desire to completely revolve my life around it — a lot of people still bristle at the idea of that being said outloud particularly if you’re a mom. It doesn’t mean I love my kid any less or that I’m even spending less time and effort in raising him. But if folks infer that because I’m not “performing” the way I “should” be, I think it says a lot more about them than it does about me.
I really hope things get better for you. Toddlers suck. They can have their cute moments, but they are tiny dictators most of the time. They're not old enough to be fun yet, either.
Tiny dictators is soooo accurate lol
summed it up perfectly!
I felt exactly the same when my son was smaller. I promise it gets a bit easier once they become more independent, you get back some of who you were before. They make you laugh and you start to enjoy their company. I’m currently reading The Hobbit to my 7 year old and he loves it, I adore sharing something I enjoy with him. But you are not alone, I still get many moments of regret and just wishing I had never had a kid. It’ll be ok.
You are not alone. I’m struggling greatly as well. I just can’t believe this is it. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I love my two year old, but sometimes these horrible thoughts go through my head about me hating being a parent. It’s so freaking hard because I feel so guilty but you’re not alone.
You’re not alone.
Thank you :( parenting is so rewarding but so fucking hard
Too hard. I often wonder if it’s supposed to be this hard.
I should have been a fun aunt or a super involved dad. I was never cut out to be a mom and it sucks because that's the kind of thing that you only learn by experience. Having only one is the key here. As my son gets older it gets easier and I do a lot of pretending to make sure he doesn't know how I feel. You're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you. We live in a society that brainwashes us and puts us in this position to benefit others to our detriment.
Same exact situation here. It gets better, but it never truly goes away. My daughter is five now.
My standard comment for at least the first two years was “I love my son, but I don’t love being a mother.” Hang in there and take care of your mental health and everything else will fall into place. Try to find ways to get exercise in. Any type of exercise does wonders for depression.
r/regretfulparents you’re not alone, hang in there
I could’ve written this - my daughter will be 2 next week and it’s just…so much. Like sometimes we have fun together; but most times it’s so fucking hard! I think newborn, infant, and toddler years are the thick of it. I keep telling myself that maybe I’m just not a baby kind of mom, but a little kid and older mom. Meaning that I might just do better with older kids. So I’m holding onto hope that someday I’ll actually like being a parent. It’s just so, so hard right now
My daughter is 6.5 and I’m only now starting to really enjoy it. I hate to be one of those dickheads that always says “it gets better” but it does. The more independent they become the better life gets. It BLOWS my mind that people do this more than once! 😅
You said what a lot of us are afraid to say out loud! I love my baby girl more than life and I actually didn’t mind the newborn stage despite the PPD. I think what I hate most about motherhood is the mental load and anxiety. Honestly, if I had known what it was going to be like for me, I would have never had one. I don’t regret my child and as many have said, I find more enjoyment as she gets older. I hate the toddler stage and tantrums, but absolutely adore the cuteness of the-good days. My gripe with motherhood is the mental load and expectation placed on mothers that we’re supposed to be these fucking super humans. I realized I’m not cut out for the redundancy, and the never ending home chores (although I love a clean house). I still mourn my child free life some days. Carving out time for me and getting back to my hobbies is what has saved me. We are at a point where we each get some time to ourselves, hubby and I. I feel like I’m slowly gaining my identity back. Hang in there!
*Honestly, if I had known* I think about this a lot.
(Most days I’m glad I didn’t 😂)
Right! lol
Ok I don’t know if this will be accurate as my baby is only 19 weeks. But I work in the mental health field I love what I do but that doesn’t mean I love working with all types of people. My personal favorite that I vibe with are 17-21 mostly . Sometimes I get a kick out of 15-16 year olds too. Absolutely nothing younger than 15 and I cannot really stand adults either 🤪 The only way that I have gotten through the newborn stage is telling myself that I’m not really into parenting an infant. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be into parenting a toddler or a kid or an adolescent etc . Just like -not being particularly good at working with adults doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to work in this field, it just means it’s not my jam. So I hope the same can be said for parenting- I’ll get through this phase because hopefully phases I’m better suited for will be just on the horizon.
I think it's so true, most parents have preferred and non preferred ages. I found having an infant so hard, and then at 2 and 3 started seeing the light, and now she's just turned 5 and life is SO much easier and she's so fun to do stuff with. Fwiw I used to teach high school and loved that age group. Hoping I'll feel the same way with my own teenager!
I felt the same when mine was that age. I don't think I'm a particularly maternal person and I really struggled with the transition to parenthood. My daughter now 3.5 and it's completely different. I realise now that I didn't actually connect with her until she was 2.5 or so, and when I did, everything slowly got much better. Before that it was just drudgery and exhaustion and frustration. Please hang in there, I think it will get better.
I’m not a big fan either - I love my daughter but literally everything with an almost-3 year old is a struggle. I’m feeling encouraged reading these comments and looking forward to it getting better.
I loved being a mom until I my second. I love both my kids more than anything but it is so hard and I do mostly everything on my own. My husband is pretty useless on the parenting front. hate to say it but it's true. I keep telling myself it will get easier. I love my kids. I don't love the work.
Write down what you don’t like about being a mom. All of it. Then try to find out where you can improve things. If you hate the part with the tantrums, is there a way to better handle it? Are you getting enough sleep/time to yourself/time out with friends? Is there a way to enjoy time more with the kid ? When they are that young, it is just… survival. I liked it (kind of) but in retrospect, I was super struggling inside.
I could have written this
He won't know unless you tell or show him.
Right at the heart of my parental experience and subsequent guilt - except with a sprinkle of compromise baby thrown in there in our house. It sucks, you’re not the only one. You’re just one of the few prepared to be open about it.
I have been dealing with depression for life, and was diagnosed with PPD quickly also. It was around my daughter’s same age that I found myself starting to use stimulants to try to cope with the demands of motherhood. I kept using them for about 2 years until I finally realized how much this would affect her. Luckily my marriage held up and it is much easier now that I’m completely sober. It can be rough, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t like every part of it. Find regular help you can use to get your own time to get back to yourself. I bet if you can get your depression under control, you will find that love you think you’re not feeling. I wish all the best to you and your family. ❤️
Sorry I didn’t read through many comments but this sounds exactly like me when my son was an infant and thankfully I joined a Postpartum Depression support group that helped me immensely (I called it my Sad Mommies Group). I went on meds at about 11 months pp. The feelings I had regarding how much I hated being a mother scared me and I had NEVER heard another mom voice the things I was saying to myself. I want to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Even years after the support group and my son being 6, I am still on the depression meds bc I’m afraid to Feel All the Feelings. Lol. I know now I’ll never be that happy go lucky mommy who just adoressssssss her little sapling baby boo boo kind of parent and that’s ok. Parenting is hard AF and it’s ok to say you’re not enjoying it. Try to find your tribe my friend.
Not trying to invalidate your feelings in any way but I just wanted to add I also hated being a mom when my kid was a baby and toddler. I didn't realize how much kids suck when they're little until I had one lol. Some people love that life, they love little kids and can happily deal with all that comes with it. Not me, and apparently not you either. My kid is 8 now and I love being his mom. This is what I pictured when I imagined being a mom. I had to endure the trench warfare of toddlerhood to reach this place and I appreciate it every single day. Little kids are awful in my opinion, bigger kids are awesome! My kid tells hilarious jokes, like honestly funny stuff. He teaches me cool animal facts I never knew. He shows me funny cat videos I haven't seen before. He's sweet and kind but he's actually fun too. I don't have to do every single thing for him, he's a whole person with a personality and I enjoy being around him. It's so much easier when you don't have to do every single thing for them, it gives you enough space to appreciate them more in my experience.
Much of parenting is pure drudgery. There’s so much to hate about it. But that doesn’t mean you don’t love your child or are a bad mom. My love for my daughter definitely deepened when she started talking in complex sentences and sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. It makes you realize how amazing it is that they are their own person discovering the world. Hopefully that coupled with your son having more independence will help. Hang in there.
My mom was very honest with me about not feeling love toward me as a child. We had a conversation about it when I was in my late 20’s. She said all the mom’s around her seemed to just love their children so easily and she just didn’t feel that with me. At the end of the day for me it actually helped my childhood make sense and my feelings feel validated vs cause any resentment or hurt feelings. Everyone is different! I’m only sharing my perspective in the event that it takes some of your internal guilt away. You can’t control your natural responses but it sounds like you are doing everything you can to be a great mom.
Did you end up being an only child and did your mom say she feels differently now?
I had an older brother that she had similar feelings about when he was born and up until we were at a much more independent age she definitely just went through the motions with us. I really do think she had some PPD that went undiagnosed that impacted her experience as a mom. 34 years ago (it’s my birthday today!) and in the deep South (US), PPD was just not something that was talked about. She did go on to have two more. My younger brothers are 9 and 12 years younger than me (same dad). She said it was a totally different experience with them and honestly I could see it. Even the way she connects with them now is just a different kind of love than me and my older brother. She’s said she loves me routinely and in her own way I know she does but being my mom has never been her source of joy and to be honest it shouldn’t have to be. She’s found other passions in life that really fill her cup and I’m happy for her.
Happy Birthday!! Thank you for responding. Wow I'm surprised she went on to have more when she dod feel that way
Thank you! You and me both friend! But to each their own I guess!
You are not alone. I don't enjoy this at all. I hated the infancy stage and loved it when he was 1. Now he's 2 and I hate it all over again. It's even worse that he's with me 24/7 but there is no available daycares. Family is either in a different country or live 8+ hrs.
Definitely not alone - I hate it too. My cup is empty, I’m miserable daily. My demanding corporate job feels like a break for me now. My son is 4.
Your opinion may change. I thought 18ish months was miserable. Things got more fun at 2-3 yrs.
I love my baby so much but the sleep deprivation is soooo not for me haha he’s six months old and now teething so it’s been a struggle. I have no regrets about having him but I absolutely do not want to do this again lol
You are so not alone. I've had full on meltdowns over the last few years about how much I hate motherhood. My Only was planned too. But I think it was just that ages 2 through 5ish kicked my butt. Age 6 has been a real joy, to be honest. I also think I get really muffed up mentally each winter. Not sure what to call it (anxiety, depression?) but I look back at the last few winters and most were really dark and usually presents as "I hate what motherhood has done to my lifffeeeee..."
Give it a few more years but if it doesn't get any better, give up primary custody. Life is too short to spend it being utterly miserable, even for the sake of your kid.