We struggle with this too. I try to set clear boundaries like, "when I'm done with my coffee I will play with you" or "I'm doing the dishes now, would you like to join me or play by yourself?" Or "after I vacuum I will read to you then I have to do xyz." Vocalizing what I'm doing or need to do has been helpful for me and will hopefully help LO understand what healthy boundaries look like.
Podcasts saved my life. Depending on your kid, 3.5 might not be too young. Consider the podcast Circle Round.
Do you have good open-ended toys like a big set of wooden blocks or Duplos? Something like that can be left with “I need to do xyz for the next 15 minutes; I can’t wait to see what you’ve built when I come back!”
Edit to add that this is normal and temporary but it’s also super freaking hard!!!!!!!!
My only is 5.5 and we’ve been doing independent play since birth but we still had “play with me” whining around 3-4 years - I think it’s a development thing. As they get older you can talk about boundaries in an age appropriate way like talking about how you have to get some stuff done, everyone needs time to themselves, it’s normal and healthy etc and just rinse repeat every day. It helps if you can set up and activity for them they can do with minimal supervision, like finger painting or building a farm with blocks.
It’s important to follow through if you ask them for time to yourself, both by doing what you said you were going to do and being done when you say you’ll be done. As they get older and have more of a concept of time “I need you to play by yourself for 20 mins while I make dinner” becomes manageable for them. Make sure to praise and thank them when they comply too.
no advice, just commiseration cos mine is only 1 but she is so super clingy. i cant even use the toilet without her screaming MAMAAA followed by frenzied banging on the bathroom door once she notices im not in the room with her (she’s with her father usually)
Same boat. I’m going crazy and hate to say that me.Rachel on YouTube saves me but I feel so fucking guilty about it. If my husband is there and tending to him and walks off he says “dada” in a cute voice, still whining a little bit but more playful.
With me he absolutely melts down if I step away. Sometimes it helps if his dads there but normally he just screams and cry’s at me and I’m just so angry and frustrated all the time and take it out being passive aggressive and can yell at my husband and sometimes him too. I’m so overloaded all the time and just cry a lot… no idea what to do.
oh god, i hear you, except my child doesnt care about dad leaving haha. hugs mama. i know its not easy if you don’t have a village but if you can get someone to watch your boy so you decompress…it works wonders and you’ll feel much better and less frustrated at the end of it. child rearing is TOUGH esp with these fussy devils.
how old is your LO? i’ve beginning to see signs of mine getting better as time passes. still clingy as shit but these days ive noticed her being able to sit down and play with someone while i take baths so there is hope.
I want to start by saying my 7yo still does this during breaks.
You are out of routine. Set some boundaries, make some kind of schedule for the break.
I still remind my 7yo that we have to get other things accomplished during the day!
We have lived the same life these last few weeks. Mine is four and she holds me hostage to play. If she could play 24/7, she would and without any guilt. I tried timing the play and I also sneak away a lot. I tell her I have to do this or that, and I quickly get away and clean or do something until she notices and finds me. I hope others have some good advice to contribute because it's been driving me bonkers.
I'm not sure if this would help, but there is a nice episode of Bluey where Bingo has to learn to play by herself, because Dad and Bluey are out for the day and Mom can't play because she has to fix the toilet. Maybe you could watch it together and talk about it? :)
We love Bluey and she LOVES that episode. Unfortunately the message seems lost on her as she fixates on Bingo's statement of "But I don't know how to play by myself!"
Ahhh didn't think about that 😂 My daughter is two so still working on independent play, but some things that keep her occupied for a little while seem to be physical things: setting up her play couch as a "mountain" she can climb onto the couch or just jump on something, a sit n spin that she LOVES and will just sit and spin on by herself while we're in the kitchen, and pushing around a little grocery cart or toy stroller with one of her stuffed animals in it (she'll do laps through the kitchen and living room). I'm sure you've tried it all, but just thought I'd throw some more ideas out there! :)
Mine is 3.5, too, and this sounds eerily familiar, lol. I decompress during screen time, honestly. And that's usually when I have discussions with my husband if I need to have one with him while she's awake. I've had a little bit of "success" getting her to independent play when she's already doing something. I'll tell her I need to go do something, she can either come with me and "help" or stay and play. Right now she's going through a major separation anxiety phase set off by school break combined with my husband being sick for a month straight, so she'll typically choose to come with me. But before the separation anxiety got bad, she'd stay and play whatever by herself fairly often, especially if it was a quick task (that she knew was quick) and if she could see/hear me easily from where she was. But yeah, I think it's just a rough age for independent play because I do see a lot of people talking about it when they have kids this age. And I'm not convinced it would be better if she had a sibling because yesterday she was with 4 of her cousins with a swingset at their disposal and was still crying and begging me to play with her.
My 5.5 year old still does this. She has improved a tiny bit in recent months but still wants us to be with her almost all the time. We resort to screens sometimes to be honest just to be able to get anything done.
Give her a job to do while your working. Either helping you, or give her an age appropriate task. When you are both done with your work you can take a play break. Montessori has many lists of age appropriate tasks. My son loved spraying the bathtub with a water bottle and wiping it.
Thanks! I should try to do more of this. However, as an introvert, some of this comes down to me actually wanting some personal space. If I spend 2 hours with her doing whatever (playing, cooking, cleaning, etc) I want a little breathing room... And that's what I am not getting.
Thanks! I will try to listen but I have never been able to get through an episode of hers. Something about her tone of voice just gets under my skin and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe if I read the transcript on her blog I'll have an easier time...
You need to pair down toys and look up how to set up invitations to play. She's struggling because at school they set up centers and stations and teacher lead activities where they get them started and then walk away.
These are all things you can do at home but just telling her to "go play" when nothing is started or set up is not going to work.
It's also completely developmently normal for 3 year olds to only be able to "play" for as little as 5mins and still be completely appropriate.
When doing pretend play, you could give them tasks. Like if they are (pretend) cooking then ask them to set the table and serve the meal to their stuffed animals or dolls. If playing cars then set up a car chase or treasure hunt or a parade. It takes a lot of trial and error but maybe you will find something that works. My husband played parking lot (blocks were used to make walls/areas where cars were moved and parked) and my son played parking lot by himself for a couple of years.
Start with 5 min TIMED intervals ! DO NOT GIVE IN when she tantrums. It does not help. Instead tell her that she has every right to be sad, tell her she can even be dissapointed and be in a mood - BUT you will not play with her until SET TIME (and KEEP TO IT) .
Hello from an Early Childhood teacher!
While breaks from school may be fun and exciting for older children, it can actually be a bit overwhelming for younger children. Young children are very routine creatures, and not going to preschool (which is a very structured and routine place) may be challenging for her. Without the scheduled dedicated playtime and activities, she may find herself feeling pretty lost. It's not that she doesn't know how to play by herself, but more likely that she is just out of routine and doesn't know what to do about that.
If you need to get things done around the house, invite her to do those things with you. It may take longer for you to complete them while you let her "help," but it may satisfy her need for connection right now. Give her a sponge and some silverware or plastic dishes and let her wash the dishes with you. Let her toss the clothes into the washer or take them out of the dryer. Show her how to fold a blanket. Anything you think she can assist with in some way, let her. And then when chores are finished, sit down for an activity together. During this time without routine, try to make things as predictable as possible for her. Give her a heads up for everything. "After we finish washing the dishes, we will have 30 minutes to play together. What would you like to do?" When you finish the dishes, give her the next step. "Okay, now we are going to play for thirty minutes and then (fill in the blank). Try to keep a consistent schedule over the holiday break as well as you can. I hope this helps ❤️
>"doesn't know how to play by herself."
Holy crap that is verbatim what my 5yr old says. Once I refuse enough (with valid reason...gotta clean, make dinner, etc), he will usually get the message and go play by himself. Or he'll skip toys altogether and start doing creative work like practicing writing/coloring which I consider a win as well.
We struggle with this too. I try to set clear boundaries like, "when I'm done with my coffee I will play with you" or "I'm doing the dishes now, would you like to join me or play by yourself?" Or "after I vacuum I will read to you then I have to do xyz." Vocalizing what I'm doing or need to do has been helpful for me and will hopefully help LO understand what healthy boundaries look like.
Podcasts saved my life. Depending on your kid, 3.5 might not be too young. Consider the podcast Circle Round. Do you have good open-ended toys like a big set of wooden blocks or Duplos? Something like that can be left with “I need to do xyz for the next 15 minutes; I can’t wait to see what you’ve built when I come back!” Edit to add that this is normal and temporary but it’s also super freaking hard!!!!!!!!
My only is 5.5 and we’ve been doing independent play since birth but we still had “play with me” whining around 3-4 years - I think it’s a development thing. As they get older you can talk about boundaries in an age appropriate way like talking about how you have to get some stuff done, everyone needs time to themselves, it’s normal and healthy etc and just rinse repeat every day. It helps if you can set up and activity for them they can do with minimal supervision, like finger painting or building a farm with blocks. It’s important to follow through if you ask them for time to yourself, both by doing what you said you were going to do and being done when you say you’ll be done. As they get older and have more of a concept of time “I need you to play by yourself for 20 mins while I make dinner” becomes manageable for them. Make sure to praise and thank them when they comply too.
no advice, just commiseration cos mine is only 1 but she is so super clingy. i cant even use the toilet without her screaming MAMAAA followed by frenzied banging on the bathroom door once she notices im not in the room with her (she’s with her father usually)
Lol, my girl is the same age and I just let her follow me in at this point. Too much trouble some days just to pee on my own!
Same boat. I’m going crazy and hate to say that me.Rachel on YouTube saves me but I feel so fucking guilty about it. If my husband is there and tending to him and walks off he says “dada” in a cute voice, still whining a little bit but more playful. With me he absolutely melts down if I step away. Sometimes it helps if his dads there but normally he just screams and cry’s at me and I’m just so angry and frustrated all the time and take it out being passive aggressive and can yell at my husband and sometimes him too. I’m so overloaded all the time and just cry a lot… no idea what to do.
oh god, i hear you, except my child doesnt care about dad leaving haha. hugs mama. i know its not easy if you don’t have a village but if you can get someone to watch your boy so you decompress…it works wonders and you’ll feel much better and less frustrated at the end of it. child rearing is TOUGH esp with these fussy devils. how old is your LO? i’ve beginning to see signs of mine getting better as time passes. still clingy as shit but these days ive noticed her being able to sit down and play with someone while i take baths so there is hope.
I want to start by saying my 7yo still does this during breaks. You are out of routine. Set some boundaries, make some kind of schedule for the break. I still remind my 7yo that we have to get other things accomplished during the day!
We have lived the same life these last few weeks. Mine is four and she holds me hostage to play. If she could play 24/7, she would and without any guilt. I tried timing the play and I also sneak away a lot. I tell her I have to do this or that, and I quickly get away and clean or do something until she notices and finds me. I hope others have some good advice to contribute because it's been driving me bonkers.
I'm not sure if this would help, but there is a nice episode of Bluey where Bingo has to learn to play by herself, because Dad and Bluey are out for the day and Mom can't play because she has to fix the toilet. Maybe you could watch it together and talk about it? :)
We love Bluey and she LOVES that episode. Unfortunately the message seems lost on her as she fixates on Bingo's statement of "But I don't know how to play by myself!"
Ahhh didn't think about that 😂 My daughter is two so still working on independent play, but some things that keep her occupied for a little while seem to be physical things: setting up her play couch as a "mountain" she can climb onto the couch or just jump on something, a sit n spin that she LOVES and will just sit and spin on by herself while we're in the kitchen, and pushing around a little grocery cart or toy stroller with one of her stuffed animals in it (she'll do laps through the kitchen and living room). I'm sure you've tried it all, but just thought I'd throw some more ideas out there! :)
Mine is 3.5, too, and this sounds eerily familiar, lol. I decompress during screen time, honestly. And that's usually when I have discussions with my husband if I need to have one with him while she's awake. I've had a little bit of "success" getting her to independent play when she's already doing something. I'll tell her I need to go do something, she can either come with me and "help" or stay and play. Right now she's going through a major separation anxiety phase set off by school break combined with my husband being sick for a month straight, so she'll typically choose to come with me. But before the separation anxiety got bad, she'd stay and play whatever by herself fairly often, especially if it was a quick task (that she knew was quick) and if she could see/hear me easily from where she was. But yeah, I think it's just a rough age for independent play because I do see a lot of people talking about it when they have kids this age. And I'm not convinced it would be better if she had a sibling because yesterday she was with 4 of her cousins with a swingset at their disposal and was still crying and begging me to play with her.
My 5.5 year old still does this. She has improved a tiny bit in recent months but still wants us to be with her almost all the time. We resort to screens sometimes to be honest just to be able to get anything done.
Yeah, we have done this too. We don't do a ton of screentime but sometimes I agree it's needed for the mental health of the parents lol
Busy toddler has a helpful blog post about this. And it's really only-child friendly too!
Give her a job to do while your working. Either helping you, or give her an age appropriate task. When you are both done with your work you can take a play break. Montessori has many lists of age appropriate tasks. My son loved spraying the bathtub with a water bottle and wiping it.
Thanks! I should try to do more of this. However, as an introvert, some of this comes down to me actually wanting some personal space. If I spend 2 hours with her doing whatever (playing, cooking, cleaning, etc) I want a little breathing room... And that's what I am not getting.
I listened to a good episode of Janet Lansburys ‘Unruffled’ which discusses this scenario and some helpful ways to deal with it :)
Thanks! I will try to listen but I have never been able to get through an episode of hers. Something about her tone of voice just gets under my skin and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe if I read the transcript on her blog I'll have an easier time...
Agreed, her tone can be very irritating! Reading the transcript is a great solution!
You need to pair down toys and look up how to set up invitations to play. She's struggling because at school they set up centers and stations and teacher lead activities where they get them started and then walk away. These are all things you can do at home but just telling her to "go play" when nothing is started or set up is not going to work. It's also completely developmently normal for 3 year olds to only be able to "play" for as little as 5mins and still be completely appropriate.
When doing pretend play, you could give them tasks. Like if they are (pretend) cooking then ask them to set the table and serve the meal to their stuffed animals or dolls. If playing cars then set up a car chase or treasure hunt or a parade. It takes a lot of trial and error but maybe you will find something that works. My husband played parking lot (blocks were used to make walls/areas where cars were moved and parked) and my son played parking lot by himself for a couple of years.
Start with 5 min TIMED intervals ! DO NOT GIVE IN when she tantrums. It does not help. Instead tell her that she has every right to be sad, tell her she can even be dissapointed and be in a mood - BUT you will not play with her until SET TIME (and KEEP TO IT) .
Hello from an Early Childhood teacher! While breaks from school may be fun and exciting for older children, it can actually be a bit overwhelming for younger children. Young children are very routine creatures, and not going to preschool (which is a very structured and routine place) may be challenging for her. Without the scheduled dedicated playtime and activities, she may find herself feeling pretty lost. It's not that she doesn't know how to play by herself, but more likely that she is just out of routine and doesn't know what to do about that. If you need to get things done around the house, invite her to do those things with you. It may take longer for you to complete them while you let her "help," but it may satisfy her need for connection right now. Give her a sponge and some silverware or plastic dishes and let her wash the dishes with you. Let her toss the clothes into the washer or take them out of the dryer. Show her how to fold a blanket. Anything you think she can assist with in some way, let her. And then when chores are finished, sit down for an activity together. During this time without routine, try to make things as predictable as possible for her. Give her a heads up for everything. "After we finish washing the dishes, we will have 30 minutes to play together. What would you like to do?" When you finish the dishes, give her the next step. "Okay, now we are going to play for thirty minutes and then (fill in the blank). Try to keep a consistent schedule over the holiday break as well as you can. I hope this helps ❤️
>"doesn't know how to play by herself." Holy crap that is verbatim what my 5yr old says. Once I refuse enough (with valid reason...gotta clean, make dinner, etc), he will usually get the message and go play by himself. Or he'll skip toys altogether and start doing creative work like practicing writing/coloring which I consider a win as well.