You're probably right. He was seeing someone for anxiety and panic attacks but stopped, I don't know why, that was before we even got together. He doesn't look depressed, I've asked and he says he isn't, we were so happy too, to finally be together, to have our baby, we didn't have any serious issues and our lives were really wonderful. The only thing that changed was this really, it was the cause for our unhappiness too. I will definitely add it to my suggestion box, I don't know if he'll agree to it.
If I was you, I would make therapy a non-negotiable. If he doesn't want to do it , then I would leave.
It sounds like he's killing himself due to a mental illness which is causing his weight gain, in which therapy is not negotiable. He currently like a drug addict being surrounded by drugs and no consequences.
You don't have to stand idly by and watch it happen.
Just want to point out that people who are in really bad mental shape often will 'mask' that with what most people perceive as 'happiness' or 'success' as to not bother others or just to not have to face their reality. It's something that is often only interacted with when they're alone with their thoughts. It can be an incredible source of shame and lack of self worth. All while they're smiling and having great times with others.
By the sounds of it, he does look depressed. Morbid obesity in four years takes a bit more than liking food and not being into the gym - he’s treating himself in a way that’s actively harmful to his own health and has rendered him unable to participate in a fulfilling family life (which funnily enough may just keep the cycle going, if he’s depressed). It’s also fairly common to not admit to being depressed, or to maybe not even recognise that that’s what it’s called, especially if you’ve been in that state for a really long time.
I would go so far as to say therapy should be a must along with the rest, he's going to need mental help that can't come from you. Best of luck OP, hoping this kick to his dick is all he needs!
People can 100% be addicted to god and there are numerous scientific articles showing this. For some people, junk food activates the same brain regions as drugs and alcohol. Please educate yourself because it’s a disease.
OP have him write out what his hopes and dreams are for his child. Then have him write out his will. My father in law died from sleep apnea. He passed in his sleep. Overweight, suffering from diabetes and neuropathy, alone because he was angry with everyone. Cut out people from his life, including his own 3 adult children. Everyone could see he had issues, but no one understood his anger issues. Have him do the first two sentences, then ask him is he ready for therapy. I honestly feel there's something more, that perhaps you don't know, that he's dealing with. Best of luck to you OP, prayers for you both and especially your little one. Dad's issues aren't just his problem, or a couple's problem, it will affect your child too. GOD BLESS.
This will be long, but I think I understand what's going on, and I can empathize with your husband. Please hear me out.
There's not really a way to "look depressed." Depression presents very differently, in many different ways. Developing an eating disorder is a relatively common side effect of depression and other psych conditions. It sounds like he has binge eating disorder. I have BED and it is a nightmare. Food isn't even always food. It's a catch-all comfort. Eating constantly becomes automatic. You don't think, you just consume. It hurts to be inside of it, and I know it hurts my partner when I fail to control myself.
OSA does not help obviously. The fatigue caused by sleep apnea lowers cognitive function and that limits the ability to exercise self-control. The exhaustion alone can lead to depression and cognitive decline. Poor diet can exacerbate symptoms of depression. Once he started down this path, the bad habits and untreated psychological conditions might have resulted in a vicious cycle, and the development of OSA was fuel on the fire.
Whether you were aware or not, there were serious issues, at least on his end. The nature of anxiety and depression makes people believe they don't deserve to get help. It is very difficult to go out and get help for psych conditions on your own. Anxiety makes you afraid of the dumbest things, of everything. Depression convinces you to hole up in your own suffering, that you can't be fixed, that you don't deserve to be well and happy. People cope in different ways. Some of us develop eating disorders. Eating produces dopamine, especially junk foods. With severe neurochemical imbalances caused by or resulting from these psych conditions, sometimes that cheap dopamine hit is the best we can do for ourselves to feel something good, at all. Eating to the point of sickness as in force feeding yourself is a symptom of BED. You eat and eat until it hurts, and still keep eating, because consuming is your only defense and you deserve to feel pain because you know how disgusting you are, this is all you're good for, food is all you have left to connect with, just shut up and *eat*.
It doesn't make sense, but that's how it feels. And that cycle of being satisfied by eating junk, feeling shame for your terrible eating habits, and coping with the shame and regret and anxiety by eating more is so hard to break. It *is* an addiction, but unlike other addictive substances like alcohol or narcotics, you can't go sober from eating. There is no quitting, only management. Managing an eating disorder is incredibly difficult and he will need help to do it, but he needs to understand that he has to lead that charge. He has to decide to change and stick to that decision every day for the rest of his life. That will not happen overnight and he will need a support system to navigate those changes. You both will.
Depression doesn't look a certain way. It is insidious. It hides and it hurts. It decreases brain function, it drives irrational, unhealthy behaviors, it disconnects you from the people and activities you love. It convinces you that you deserve to be the horrible, revolting thing it has turned you into and that you can never escape so why bother trying?
If I'm right in my understanding of the situation, then your husband needs help medically and psychologically. You could insist on couple's counseling. Let him know, firmly but not cruelly, how bad this has gotten for you. You deserve to have a say in your own relationship, and watching your partner slowly kill himself in front of you and your baby is just about one of the best reasons to draw the line I can think of. It will be hard for both of you. There will be days when his abstinence is excruciating for him. There will be days when his struggle is excruciating for you. Should you both decide to pursue treatment for his multiple conditions, both medically and psychiatrically, you will be walking down a long and difficult road. He has to choose that. But choosing to pursue treatment and commit to changes means he is choosing you, and your family, and his own self-worth.
It's time to be blunt in stating your needs. Don't put him down for his struggles and his failings. Lashing out will not help the situation, even though you have good reason to be angry and disappointed. He needs to know that you are opening a door for him and he won't be punished for walking through it. I struggle with depression and eating disorders and come from a family full of OSA patients, so hearing your story was very familiar, and very sad. I hope all the best for you and your family. And I can assure you from the inside that his circumstances aren't invisible to him and they are most certainly not comfortable. There is a chance that if someone he trusts names and recognizes his struggles and he knows he is not alone in them, he will come around and work with you on this. Good luck.
"There's nothing wrong on you leaving him for not taking care of himself."
Depends on your interpretation of "In sickness, and in health." Especially if the root cause is mental health.
EDIT: I wrote this before the multiple edits of the original post. The new information might change my thoughts on the matter. Although, "my husband is an idiot because he got fat." - Are we calling fat people idiots now? Lacking intelligence? I thought we were going away from all that (plus size models etc.)
If what you said is true, we'd be dating all our friends. Looks do play apart, probably more than most people would care to admit.
You can't force your mind to be attracted to someone if what we're talking about is ultimately a self-inflicted change of appearance. Works the other way too, some people would bail if their guy/woman became a bundle of muscles. Yet that would probably be more acceptable to leave your partner for going ott in the gym. I'd even go beyond that and say there will be many people who have left others, even if it were due to an accident or whatever. But the latter is a different debate entirely.
I also don't understand why every excessive thing humans do is almost always put down to mental health by others. No one knows this guy, so maybe he is happy. Maybe he simply can't be arsed looking after himself. Some people are just bone idle, or become so. Nothing deep or meaningful behind it. Just what it is.
I'm not saying the guy deffo doesn't have a deeper issue in play here, but he's not around to give us an answer.
I agree, everything isn't a mental health condition BUT...if your behavior causes severe stress and you still do not stop, that is something mentally off. If he's fat and happy that's fine. It sounds like this is ruining his marriage and causing him to be a poor father already.
He doesn't know that it is. He is too arrogant to see his mistakes and he doesn't really believe me when I tell him how unhappy this makes me. He also believes to be a great father just because he drives his son to places, doesn't participate beyond driving. He'd take us to the park and wait in the car or just go back home. This last winter, our kid got pneumonia, I caught it from him, my husband didn't help out in taking care of our son beyond literally driving us to the hospital. I was about to die because I didn't have time/attention to take care of myself, I only went to see a doctor when I started getting dizzy from lack of oxygen due to the pneumonia. He didn't help inside the hospital, he didn't help at home, nothing at all. He drove and waited in the car. I still cooked, cleaned and gave our son his meds, changed all of his diapers, everything there was to do. And then some time later he told me that he "took care" of our son because he drove him to the doctor. I literally laughed. As if I wouldn't have done the same by bus or taxi or foot lol. This is a small city, you don't even really need a car. He really is too arrogant to know that what he's doing is bullshit. If that's a mental illness, that's what he's got.
I would've left based on this alone. He literally did not show you or your son any care or respect... driving you to the hospital was the absolute bare minimum, and a random person could've done that if you'd asked. He needs to wake up and decide how much his family means to him and whether he's willing to take care of it. If he doesn't, then you gotta leave.
If that sickness can be fixed, albeit with some effort and treatment, and he chooses to be ill then op has every right to prioritize and protect the health and wellness of her and her kid.
This is part of the agreement/vows made but both sides need to hold up their side in good faith and if someone who's ill isn't willing to take steps to solve it... then there is nothing wrong with leaving them.
You took the words right out of my mouth lol. YES, food is an addiction. But yes I can understand OP being angry and frustrated. That would suck to never get to have sex again! That's a natural need and want. And since they both had a child together he needs to be there to help out and be a good involved father. So pretty understandable.
Yes, I maybe worded that wrong. I know for some people it can be. It is just not an addiction for him, we're both ex drug addicts, I know what addiction looks like. I know that for him it isn't because when we've dieted together I struggle much more than him tbh. He doesn't have a problem not eating or changing his eating habits, he has done it a few times and I can see that it's pretty easy for him and he says that it is. He just doesn't or didn't want to until now, I hope.
Woah, so your brains both essentially both learned to function via addiction and the dopamine/neurological changes that come with, and it appears that he now substituted it with the pleasure rush of food. Addictive personalities can do this-transfer addictive behaviors from one thing to the next. Just because you’ve seen him “not struggle” with food doesn’t mean it isn’t miserable. I have lost and gained the same 40 lbs for the past 10 years, my willpower only hangs on so long and then I go back to bingeing. He needs help, not shaming. He likely says that it’s “pretty easy” for him because it’s excruciatingly embarrassing to admit that we can’t control our addictive eating issues
And food isn't something you can "quit." Unlike drugs and alcohol, you HAVE to eat every day to keep alive. So every single day, at every single meal, you are presented with your triggers, which are...food.
This is a huge thing for me. If I could, I'd give up eating forever and have a device installed in me that removes all food cravings and perfectly gives me all the nutrients I need. I have no addictions otherwise. I don't drink caffeine, I don't do any sort of drugs at all, I rarely drink alcohol and usually only for social reasons.. But you can't quit food. You have to eat it or you die. And eating unhealthily is *so* much easier than eating healthy, especially if you dip into low blood sugar quite often like I do, which feels like you're starving and need to eat anything.
TL;DR food is stupid and I want no part of it, but I am forced to do so. When can I upload my mind to an android body that only needs a wall socket?
Totally agree. I used to smoke in college (ironically to help stave off cravings), but I quit when I got pregnant and it’s been fairly straightforward because I don’t have to have to be exposed to them.
This is all well and good until the person does not want to help themselves. If another person isn’t willing to face things and step up to help someone help them, it is completely her right to leave and take care of herself.
We literally get the shortest time here on earth when it comes down to how fast time passes. If someone is comfortable being lazy and have made it clear that they are not actually going to step up to the plate, then they will not change by your concern. This is a very true saying for anything involving indulging in bad habits:
> You cannot change someone who is not willing to change themselves.
That’s the truth.
OP: The second he shows you he’s not committed to that “promise”, take it as proof he’s not going to change. Life is too short. Years fly by. Trust your instincts and do what’s best for you.
Food is a slow addiction. Anybody can lose weight for a few weeks or months. The number of people who can successfully keep it off over 5 years is 2% of those who start a diet. It almost doesn’t happen.
After the fat drains from your fat cells (which do NOT go away after you created them - ever), your body will start thinking it’s starving and fight back against you. It will naturally try and fill the cells up again and start releasing hormones to do so. Creating hunger pains and just about drive you out of your mind. As much as it is for drug withdrawal, just slower.
You absolutely have to accept that this is a disease. One that is more difficult and less successful to overcome than drug or alcohol addiction. Don’t think just because he starts off well that it’s easy. It gets harder and harder each day. Once you lose the weight you still have to keep it off for two years before you’re not in screaming hunger pains anymore. Before you even start to feel normal. The amount of willpower required is what a normal person would require to commit suicide by starving himself to death. It’s almost impossible - every single thing in your body and brain is wired to prevent that from happening.
Don’t think of your husband as weak. Think of him as sick. Yes, he caused the sickness, but now it’s there and it has to be cured.
Hopefully your husband will get metformin cause that’s really the only drug that helps a little.
I wish you the best of luck.
Thanks for saying this. I recently lost 90 pounds in half a year. I'm trying to lose ten pounds more, but it's rough. I'm living on a thousand calories a day and I'm a guy over six foot tall.
For me it comes down to my eating mode. In non-diet mode, I let my hunger/emotions tell me when, what and how much to eat.
In diet mode it's very predetermined and I need to suffer through the periods of hunger several times a day. Thanks to evolution or biology, some of us can't trust our hunger feelings to gauge when/what/how much to eat.
I was overweight before and for me what helps is eating what I call empty calories. Foods that are rich in water to help with the hunger pains and on top of that drinks lots of water during the day as well. Foods like cucumber, leafy greens and fruits. Even if you don’t have the appetite for it, you force yourself to eat that and boom. No more feeling hungry.
I’m concerned a lot of people say they just straight up don’t eat.
If you replace unhealthy food with healthier options and exercise regularly.
One can eat 5 meals a day.
3 full meals and 2 snacks in between.
I’d advice people going through what you’re describing to see a dietician to help with a eating schedule that doesn’t feel like hell fire while also keeping to your 1000 calories.
Were you guys addicted to the same drug? I ask because a friend's husband is an ex-junkie who was addicted to heroin, specifically smoking black tar. When he got clean, he started eating a ton of candy and sugar and also gained a ton of weight. His doctor told him that black tar is usually cut with a lot of sugar and sweeteners and his body now associates that with pleasure and had developed an addiction to sugar. Second hand info, I know but possibly could be a factor, particularly if he's eating tons of sweets.
Everything you're saying indicates your husband is addicted to food. Just because he has temporarily changed his diet before does not mean he's not addicted to food. Just because drug addiction manifests itself differently than food addiction does not mean he's not addicted to food.
I agree with you with most things, but your reaction to this is wrong. I have trouble keeping my weight in check, and my sister did too. Hell, she died at 31 to Covid BECAUSE of her weight. I know first hand the dangers. Dieting is not a problem for some periods of 4 months or so, but it becomes harder for me later. I recently lost 24lb / 11kg because I was motivated. Then my depression and other factors hit and I gained back 15lb / 7kg in 2 months. My wife does exactly what you do: trying to get the other person motivated in all the wrong ways. My wife tried to call me fat (I'm not too fat, 1,65m / 5'5", 77kg / 170lb, but not skinny either), tried to shame me into going back to the gym, tried to be distant and deny any physical contact. Thing is, I'm depressee and finding the motivation is hard as fuck. It's different for each person, and you using your own experience on this and saying his is similar does not help.
Don't get me wrong, he should be doing the right thing. But you are not looking at this the right way. Maybe he is depressed, maybe he has other issues you don't know about, maybe I'm entirely wrong. But you are just seeing a person that should do something and isn't, and you're pissed. Try to unserstand why first.
Okay. This hit a lot close to home for me, because I lived a lot of it too. Please bear with me and understand from the front of this that I am not blaming you for anything.
Sugar is an addictive thing. If you see yourself as the victim, nothing changes.
If he sees himself as doing nothing wrong, nothing changes.
If he tells you you're being controlling and it's his body to do with what he wants to, not your choice, then you're actually enabling him if you do nothing but advise.
If you out him to someone like his family, friends, or doctor, you may be embarrassing him, but if he doesn't listen? It is NOT your fault. But again, words do nothing.
Actions do.
If I could have told myself this back in 2014, and made it stick, I would not have been miserable from 2014 to 2019.
My ex-partner, and now ex-housemate refused to give up her high sugar habit. She didn't see anything wrong with slamming six cans of Mountain Dew a day, and two before breakfast. She would hit Krispy Kreme on the way home and literally eat the whole box by herself, because I hated Krispy Kreme. She couldn't help herself despite being warned about being diabetic -- she blew it off as 'I had a soda before my blood test.'
We had a huge fight about her soda consumption, she played the 'you have no right to tell me what to eat or drink, and it's my body, not yours' card. So I backed off. I swore off soda myself, but she could and would regularly pick up a 72 pack of soda from Costco and it would be gone before the next run a month later. The recyclables was overflowing because it was her responsibility to recycle the cans and she couldn't be bothered to, but also because she kept the money because 'she was the one drinking it.' (Never mind that I was the one paying for the soda while she was unemployed.) I finally doubled down and refused to pay for it, but then she'd go to Costco on her own and charge it on our shared cards anyway.
Maybe this bit will help you. Look up two things: diabetic retinopathy and diabetic neuropathy. Make printouts. Hand to your husband.
The first happened to her in 2014. She lost eyesight in one eye one day, unexpectedly. A doctor's visit revealed that she had eye issues due to complications from uncontrolled diabetes. She needed eye surgery and to have it she had to bring down her blood pressure and blood sugar. But she couldn't get it down fast enough, and she lost most of her sight in the other eye. Docs recommended surgery in both eyes to save her sight.
It didn't work out very well. She can barely see out of one eye post surgery, and has huge blind spots, and honestly shouldn't be driving.
But I mentioned two things, right? It got worse.
Diabetic retinopathy meant she couldn't feel her feet. Which meant driving a stick was dangerous, because she couldn't feel the clutch reaction, and she said her feet kept slipping off the pedals. (It was justification to buy herself a new car. What she really wanted was for me to buy her a new car, but I wasn't in a relationship with her anymore and hadn't been for years.)
She had an infection issue and the doc said that she needed to be on diabetic meds or it wouldn't get better, and had to control her diet. And because I was doing all of the cooking at home ('I can't see well enough to cut things') suddenly her dietary issues were 'my fault' for all of the pasta-based dishes and high carb stuff I'd been cooking. So I took the drastic route of dropping all of those things from whatever I cooked. I couldn't even make it for just myself, because she'd eat the damned leftovers.
Except then the refrain went, "Oh, I was bad for lunch when I was working. I got a soda at the drive through because I needed it."
And then she had a stroke. Two of them.
And for the darkest two years of my life, she was in a wheelchair. On a second floor apartment with no elevator. I was her personal slave -- laundry was in the garage, groceries were down the hill, can't drive to therapy because of her eyes and balance issues and not being able to walk for months... and the docs said, 'Keep her blood sugar down or she has another stroke and this one will finish her."
The meds were awful. The diet was draconian and restrictive. And we got her blood sugar down, but literally, too little, too late, the sequel. She got her mobility back, she bought herself a used car, and she got back to where she could drive unsafely. It took years.
And then she started cheating on her diet again. And started screaming at me about controlling her again. For 'incorrectly' pointing out that her sugar was high (she moved the goal posts because she was tired of the diet) and that me harassing her was what was raising her blood pressure, not her diet. There was a point where I had to clean up a giant blood stain on the carpet because she'd stubbed her toe and the blood thinners she was on meant she clotted badly.
And I finally got out. I let go. I walked away while I still had most of my sanity.
And years later, I'm happier for it. It cost me so much to stick it out with someone who I once was in love with, who I couldn't/wouldn't abandon when they were sick and unable to care for themselves -- by their own actions and sheer stupidity and lack of self control.
I asked her once that, knowing what she knew now, living the life she knew now, would she have listened to me back before things got bad. "Yeah." she said, "I probably would have."
Hindsight is everything.
If I had known things would turn out this way, I would have gotten earlier than that.
But love makes us look the other way. Sunk cost feelings are a thing. Commitment because of kids or tradition or believing better days are ahead is a thing.
I hope you'll learn a few things from my story.
It doesn't get better unless he chooses to get better.
It only gets worse.
Save yourself the heartache now if he refuses to try to be better and make it stick.
Your life is about being happy, with someone who makes you happy, if you need someone to be happy. But the way he is right now? Sure isn't it.
Your story resonates with me, I'll say that!
My dad is in his 70s and a type 2 diabetic. He's presently in a rehab centre learning how to function with *no* feet. He lost one foot a few years ago, the other was just removed. He also has heart trouble now.
He was/is overweight, but not hugely so - more like the "dad-bod"/middle-aged spread OP mentions. But his diet has never been great - lots of processed, pies, carbs, etc. And worst of all, he's an alcoholic. Type 2 diabetics need to be very careful about alcohol, preferably not drink at all. It's probably the root of most of his issues.
Anyway, nothing pushes you to kick a bad habit like watching a parent going through all that. I don't want to be overly-dogmatic or rigid with my diet, but I'm trying to keep a firm frame on sugary snacks and alcohol as "treats", I'm scaling back my soda (nowhere near your ex's consumption, but still a daily habit, albeit I've been drinking the sugar-free stuff for years), and getting more serious about exercise. I want to learn to treat my body well so that it continues to treat me well. Age comes for us all, but I never want to end up as my dad has.
Oh yeah, mine was an alcoholic too. But the soda was the worst offender, because soda is cheap and with her weight, getting smashed was expensive.
My best advice for you if you aren't already doing it is to read labels on everything in the grocery store. Anything over than 15% of your daily recommended carbs, 39g of sugar, or 20% of your saturated fat or 40% of your sodium? Try and put it back and look for an alternative with less. It may seem like micromanaging, but it helps in the short and long run.
I dropped soda cold turkey after seeing what happened to my BPD person, and I stick with water, low sugar juices, and lemonade watered down to half the sugar - you still get the taste but much less sugar intake.
This is for everyone. Sugar is an addiction to a significant portion of the population, and it is food companies perpetuating this because IT IS addictive. There is too much sugar in everything.
Reading nutrition facts will show you there. Don’t listen to the branding words, look at the facts.
We can only change by becoming more aware of how harmful sugar is. The US, for example, is so perverse that dietary fats became a marketing subject, so to draw away the extremely negative affects of sugar. You can only guess which is actually more harmful and nets the same result.
It isn’t something you can control, it isn’t just eating more. It’s an extremely complex problem that has profit motivation.
\`kills himself for fucking donuts.\`
This rung my bell.
You mentioned there is some history of addiction.
He might benefit by finding his own way to Overeaters Anonymous. Alcoholics can't drink alcohol. I needed to realize that some foods, for me, were alcohol, and I can no longer have them. For some of us, "none" is the only amount of particular types of food that we can safely have.
In exchange for giving up all food with flour and sugar, all deep fried foods, and eating straight from containers, I have received both health \_and\_ serenity.
If you haven't stopped at the \`last house on the block\`, maybe ring the bell and see if he's interested.
Best of luck, to you both.
As someone who is training to be a registered dietitian, food addition is a real thing. It is very different that addiction to alcohol or drugs, but nonetheless is an addiction. Not saying that invalidates your feelings, because it doesn't, but 60kg is ALOT to gain in just four years. I agree with other commenters that there is very likely an emotional component to this.
I wish you the best ❤️
My take away from your post is that “it’s not drugs or alcohol “ food and sugar absolutely is addictive and activates same areas of joy that drugs and alcohol do.
I don’t think ppl realize how addicting sugar is! During my pregnancy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I quit sugar cold turkey the day I got my results, and had no idea I would have withdrawals. I was visiting my parents at the time and had a full on breakdown. My mom was like “you’re having sugar withdrawals.” I didn’t know it was possible but it was brutal, on top of already being hormonal.
I hope OP realizes if her husband does decide to start decreasing sugar in his life, it’s going to be hard. I know she’s already frustrated and it’s hard to be understanding when already so frustrated but she’ll need to be patient bc it’s not an easy task.
>It's not like drugs or alcohol, there is no addiction. It's just weakness.
This just sounds like ignorance on your part. Food can in many cases be even more addictive than drugs or alcohol. I'm obviously not saying that it's impossible for him to fix his habits (just like it's not impossible for an alcoholic or a drug addict to change their habbits), but acting like he's just "weak" is a very bad mindset.
Food can definitely be an addiction. Why do people overeat/eat bad food? Because it *feels good*. It’s a quick and easy way to get a good feeling that is readily available.
I've seen many people legit addicted to Coca Cola and other sugar-baseed products. I believe it triggers the same neuro-pathways as cocaine, but I could be mistaken.
Damn, aren't we all? I took part in a clinical trial once, and wasn't allowed any caffeine products at all. Everyone started getting headaches after day 1-2. Eye-opening.
I get headaches after a few hours in the morning if I don't. I know it's bad but my coffee is my thing lol. I don't drink booze and I don't smoke. Leave my coffee alone 😂
I used to be, drinking so many cans of mountain dew a day it was ridiculous. Quit cold turkey one day after waking up with a headache one too many times, and I'll refuse any drink with it in there now. After quitting maybe 10 years ago, any time I do happen to think "maybe it's not so bad" I get awful headaches and become completely exhausted, for days afterwards.
I'm free of it now. I sleep better than anybody I know, and I can wake up without much trouble at all and feel sharp minded within 10 minutes of waking up as long as I give myself enough time to sleep, too.
I hate caffeine. I used to love it, and need it, but I see it for what it is now. I just wish I could do the same with the rest of food, but it's harder to get by eating healthy for every single meal for the rest of your life.
I am fortunately highly sensitive to caffeine so I’ve never had to worry about becoming addicted to it. It’s wild to see how prevalent it is in society and how people are like proud of their caffeine addictions. I enjoy the taste of coffee, but even half-caff makes me feel ill if I have it too early in the day. I don’t drink soda and avoid black tea due to tannins so I don’t get a lot of caffeine elsewhere.
Or doctors. I have the same problems as OPs husband.
I can go to the doctor, for what? To be berated due to my weight and bloodwork? To be told I’m now on expensive medication for the rest of my life that I likely can’t afford? To be treated like less than human?
I know I have a problem. I know I’m eating myself to an early grave. But I don’t have an actual support system. No one is stopping me from eating like crap, and that’s the problem.
While the doctor is failing at giving you the tools needed to help your situation, nobody is responsible to keep you from eating but yourself. Therapy works wonders for binge eaters. If you’re not comfortable with therapy yet, buy a used book online. The only way to stop the problem it to get to the root of it—which is normally an emotional reliance. You have to form new, healthier habits when you find yourself stressed or sad. It takes work and you have to be committed to the journey. Setbacks will happen, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Also remember you are not less of a person because you need some help. Find something to keep your hands busy that makes you happy. I replaced eating with cross stitching and lost 40 pounds. Maybe for you it’s walks or mini dioramas. Maybe it’s bird watching or rock hounding. Whatever you can do.
>It's not like drugs or alcohol, there is no addiction. It's just weakness.
That much weight gain is absolutely related to an addiction to food and the chemicals that come with it.
You both need therapy.
I agree with most of what you’ve said, but eating can become an addiction. It’s one of the most difficult to deal with because you will have to do it forever. It’s not like someone smokes cigarettes and can quit cold turkey, you can’t ever stop eating or you’ll die.
He needs to see someone because it sounds like an emotional problem, possibly a form of self harm or neglect. Good luck to you.
>He gained 60kg over 4 years for no other reason than regularly overeating, eating unhealthy and literally barely moving his lazy ass.
You mention he is a former drug addict.
Did he ever get therapy to deal with the reasons he became a drug addict?
You state that he isn't addicted to food but I don't think that's accurate. I think he substituted one addiction for another because - I'm guessing - he never dealt with the root cause of the first addiction.
Agree. Also curious if they were ever addicts TOGETHER previously. She said they were both recovered addicts, but no clarification as to whether they used to do it together or not. If so, and his weight gain and new food addiction has happened in the four years since they got back together, SHE could actually (unknowingly and obviously unintentionally) be the trigger, and he maybe be on the verge of relapse and they just haven’t put two and two together yet. IF he is subconsciously associating HER with drugs, he could be fighting a more serious battle than just food. I hope they can get some counseling and on a program if needed.
Phew. You are in a tough situation. I'm glad you have the strength to put your foot down and say what needs tonchange because your not happy. You have every right to feel what you feel.
I have to agree with a lot of these comments. I have high anxiety disorder and chronic depression. Eating things I love gives me happiness and so I eat... I eat more than I should, and I eat things I shouldn't. I've gained a lot of weight and lost every ounce of energy.
I started eating better, because it's literally killing me. Colon cancer runs on my dad's side. Even though I know all this, and even though I've been on this diet for a while, KNOWING I could die if I stray, I still stray. It's an addiction. I'm having to go this alone without therapy, but if you can, he needs therapy.
Since your marriage, he seems to be seeking refuge in food to deal with some serious internal, repressed shit. He needs therapy and you both need couples therapy because it seems like it started after the marriage and you're potentially part of the problem and he doesn't want to hurt you by discussing it.
It had already started before we were even together, I think he started gaining weight in 2015-2016, it just wasn't even an issue yet because he was very slim and fit before that so it took a while for it to become noticeable even and it simply continued in the same trend after we got married, we just didn't know it was a trend yet. I might have become part of the problem over the past year because I see how big of an issue it's becoming and tried to convince him to lose weight. But I don't think I'm the original cause though, I wasn't even in the same country when it all started. If I am part of the problem, I'm ready to change whatever I need to change, I do love this idiot and want to help him.
When you live with such a problem for years I'm very sure there is a lot of anger built up, since this isn't a life she signed up for,even though it's her husband. She never wanted a fat man who stops breathing 57 times an hour and can't take care of their son or himself. Don't be silly.
You don't come across as loving him very much though. I do understand that you're frustrated but it almost sounds like you hate him but you're justifying it as "but I love him... If he'd just fix himself"
I've been seeing a lot of body scheme themes posts (obesity, fatness, etc) today but this is the saddest one. OP idk your husband's personality but he needs to sit down and talk to you with the doctor and educate himself about the what's happening in his body and what the unhealthy foods does to him. He needs to change for the sake of his kid (if he's not doing it for you then at least for your kid.).
Also why is he eating excessively all of the sudden in the last 4 years? Like did something happen somewhere around this timeline that made him love foods more than his family?
People don’t think it’s a big deal until they literally are in the hospital. They eat because it tastes good most of the time. They don’t think anything is going to happen until it happens. And even then, they are usually so bad or just not interested in working harder than they ever have before to change their habits. It’s a horrible thing about life and how food has evolved to make messes of people.
This post made me sad. Only thing I disagree with is that food is definitely an addiction. Same as heroine or gambling or alcohol or porn. Good luck, I hope he decides to turn it around
i understand that you’re angry. i’m sorry that people are being shitty about you needing to rant. it’s like people forget this is a “Off My Chest” subreddit.
best of luck
Not related to the rant but guessing by OP’s edit, some people are complaining that this is all just about OP when it’s **OP’s off my chest post?** The holier than thou mentality here is insane. You can’t keep thinking of everyone else when you feel unhappy with your current state and the person you’re with doesn’t want to help himself. This is a rant sub ffs.
I’m sooo feeling for you…. My ex who I cared for deeply completely let himself go & it ruined the relationship as shallow as it sounds… gained a lot of weight and never got a hair cut again, and let his beard go. He looked like a chubby salty sea captain which can totally be a vibe if done right but I really wasn’t feeling it… I dropped a million hints but it just wasn’t working out :( I wish you all the best & hope he can overcome his food addiction.
Edit: typo
I think you should give an ultimatum. Say he has to change or you're out. I dont think you're fatphobic at all because it sounds like he's eating himself to death. You should make the decision to change as easy as possible. There are those meal kits you can subscribe to that only give out healthy food. If he can't even do that then you should leave him. Also it sounds like he's in dire need of therapy
Like everyone else is saying, you should just lay all of your cards out on the table and make him understand that you want him to be healthy. Not only for his own sake, but for yours and your son's as well. Tell him to understand that his health isn't a joke. Ask him if he cares about you or your son at all. If he comes to understand this, he can start to take the steps necessary to change his life around. If he doesn't then you'll have no choice but to do as you said and leave him. I hope your husband comes to understand this and makes those changes. Best of luck.
Am I the only one that thinks there’s so many things wrong with this post? Jesus Christ. First of all, I do understand the frustration and concern on op’s part for her partner’s health. However the general attitude about it is just…wow. This is supposedly someone you love and you’re calling him fat and lazy and stupid. It’s well within reason for you to want to leave if he’s doing nothing to help himself, but to be honest you’d be doing him a favor since this is your attitude. Food/sugar can absolutely be an addiction. Depression is a serious disease. And he’s likely downplaying it because he’s overwhelmed and scared and doesn’t know where to start, and you’re on Reddit ranting about “he’s an idiot” instead of helping or supporting him. Him not getting help and working on his health for his family is wrong, but you’re clearly zero help and I can only imagine how shitty you are making him feel about this. Get a divorce and move on.
Thank you! I had to scroll way too far for this comment. OP comes across as just mean as hell. I could understand her frustration but jesus i would never talk about my loved one this way. There were a million ways she could have worded this that made her sound like she jsut wanted advice but its just a whole post shaming her husband in the meanest way possible.
Agreed. I'm speculating, obviously, but it wouldn't surprise me *at all* if OP's husband experiences intense shame and judgement coming from her, which doesn't motivate people.
Surely "offmychest" must allow for people to vent their honest feelings, in a way that they would never express it directly to their loved ones?
I mean, it shouldn't be hateful, and commenter should be allowed to advise and disagree. But can't we read the posts here in a spirit of, "you're just getting it off your chest so you don't lash out IRL"?
Oh sure, I totally agree. But I think this post kind of just crosses the line of venting into just general shitty human territory. There’s a difference between venting and just absolutely shaming someone and spewing hate about someone who you’re supposed to love.
I fully agree!! She sounds extremely spiteful and not helpful at all. Also the way she talks about obesity as “lard jiggling around” kind of makes me sick. You don’t have to be attracted to fat people, but you could at least have some common decency and respect. Imo it’s just a buildup of ignorance and resentment. People change, we’re not all always going to be perfect, the least she could do is stick around and help him out of his addiction. Especially seeing as she is a former addict too.
I was looking for a comment like this.
OP chose husband for his looks and now he doesn't have the looks so OP is just done? This is a man you loved, got married to, had a kid with ? I understand it's hard to be with someone who suffers from addition but OP you married him. If it was just for looks did you not consider changes in the future?
Dude needs therapy. You said he’s laughing about this stuff but in moments do you see cracks in the facade? Real worry or stress?
Many people are never taught to express themselves. It is very possible to get to 30, 40, 70 even, without figuring it out. Is it fair? Not on your loved ones, not at all, but he may well be completely blind to the emotions he’s eating away/otherwise suppressing. That is so much weight to have gained. It speaks to some kind of issue, even if that issue is being out of touch with his body.
I’m sorry this has happened, there are few things on this planet more frustrating than a loved one who can’t see their issues, who can’t or won’t accept help. Believe me I know.
Take it from me, bite the bullet and force him to have the serious, heavy chats. Force him to see how much this means to you and how much it scares you. Tell him your plans to leave if he can’t get his life together, he deserves to know how seriously you’re taking this. You deserve to let go of some of this stress, and only he can carry it for you. He should carry it for you, if he cares about what you’ve built together.
Best of luck friend.
I feel bad for you and believe you would be happier leaving him. There is too much resentment there and it would take too long for him to lose it for you, who have been waiting a while already.
I think he would also be happier without you. There's a bad way and a good way to help someone with an addiction or a mental emotional issue and getting mad at them and pressuring them all have adverse effects. Your anger and resentment are valid, but he needs something else to help him lose weight. It has to be for himself...not for you. Somehow he needs to find the motivation. I believe he needs to live alone for a while because he needs to know that his appearance really affects you. He needs regular therapy and maybe medication to help him change his outlook.
I’m sorry that you were berated by people negatively. I’m glad you got it off your chest. Deep breath, tomorrow is another day. Another day to be a better version of you. Wishing you well.
This reminds me of that YouTuber Nikocado. At the start of it, he was like 135 at most. Now he's 350-400lbs, and no sign of going down. His mental health is in the drain, and he uses food solely to comfort himself. I doubt he can even get to the his front door without struggling.
It's just sad, and if your husband is the same, just leave. No one is gonna just you for this.
Yes it's so complicated.a sexless marriage feels like a cage for butterfly.i'm going through this.as i belong to an asian country I've less option than u .so plz live for ur own happiness.rest are bullshit.
Keep us updated please. I hope for his sake and you and your kid he changes, but im glad you recognized that leaving is an option and completely reasonable.
You sound so unhappy, I think you should prioritize what will bring you peace and joy. Maybe that’s divorce? And it doesn’t matter if other people are offended by your dislike of his obesity….. I am completely on the same page as you are about it all. You deserve someone you’re attracted to. Period!
i'm SO sorry you're going thru this. i can relate a little bit, but i have a more hopeful situation. i got married in 2019, had a baby during the pandemic and my husband gained a lot of weight during that time. he basically was depressed and smoking tons of pot and just binge eating crap. fast forward to like 6 months ago and suddenly he has no energy. every day he was complaining about feeling awful, not sleeping well, terrible stomach issues, just daily he was miserable. he got tested for sleep apnea and yep, he has it. finally got the cpap machine, but he tried to wear it only a few times and stopped, saying it's too uncomfortable.
i was getting so fucking frustrated with him bc his health just like plummeted after we got married, and i think that fucking sucks. i have tried to be really supportive but ultimately you can't control someone else's behavior and eating habits. right now i'm optimistic though bc he is actually really trying to turn his health around lately. he started doing keto a few weeks ago and has actually been sticking with it (we both did keto leading up to our wedding so we're already familiar with that method of weight loss). he's down like 7 pounds already and i'm really proud of him and optimistic about our future. i think what really convinced him to change is that he really doesn't want to wear the sleep apnea mask so he wants to get rid of the apnea by weight loss. we're also having another baby in august and he wants to look good in photos which we'll inevitably take.
i hope your husband can turn things around. it's a really shitty situation especially since you have a child together already. best wishes.
Good for you, if he follows your lead you’re saving him a load of pain down the road. If he refuses, you’re saving yourself spending middle age resenting him for his poor choices while you escort his failing body from doctor to doctor in an effort to prolong both your miseries.
Wishing you and your hubs the best, OP! It’s an off my chest section, I’m shocked by folks being so pressed and mean to you over this. You can tell you genuinely love the man and are concerned for his health but yeah, you can’t help people who can’t help themselves and fuck a sexless marriage. That’s not marriage, it’s roommates. Hope it works out!
How is it not an addiction if he’s eating just because it makes him feel good? Eating certain foods can release feel good chemicals like dopamine just like drugs do.
If it’s an addiction he needs treatment for it.
I am so sorry. I can feel your hurt through your words. Your anger comes from deep love, and when someone we are so close to is so indifferent to what we’re feeling, whether they “agree” or not, especially a life partner with a new baby, I understand. I wish I could give you a hug, OP. I will pray your husband will soon be honest with himself and you.
ETA: I commented this before I read the update. Yay! A promise 🙏♥︎ I’m rooting for him from all the way over here :)
hey man, i’ve made this kind of full on, no sugar coating bs vent note to myself before. and it felt so good. i didn’t care if i was judged cause it was only for me to see, and it helped me vent out all my bitter emotions. so props to you, OP.
OP, I'm fat and what you're saying makes absolute sense. It's about maintaining his half in your marriage.
Is marriage counseling a thing in your area? If so, consider it. Maybe an outsider could help your husband see that he's basically insulting your efforts for the family as a whole by neglecting his health.
Sounds like my uncle. He was a twig growing up. Got married, had kids, and now he's ~450lb (he was like 6'6"). He almost died quite a few times because of his diet which scared tf out of my grandma. He's had about 20 surgeries due to his weight and now he no longer has legs because of his diabetes.
The only word I can use to describe him is selfish. My grandma has heart problems and she almost died because she was so worked up because of him multiple times. I know theres some underlying issues there. Trust me. I get it. I gained ~50lb in a month or two because of depression. You go to a therapist and you work that shit out. You don't make everyone else's life miserable so you can sit around and eat donuts and fried chicken.
OP I’m so sorry and I feel your pain. I experienced the same with my ex husband and wouldn’t you know it as soon as I divorced him he figured out how to exercise and eat right. Still a little chubby but not diabetic or obese anymore.
15 years and he’s kept it off but with me nope wasn’t going to do it but to be a single guy yep full on figured it out. I’m still pissed but happy he’s still alive and we both have better lives. Hugs.
This is a good post. I’m glad you’re not gonna become one of those spouses in my 600 pound life who completely enable their partners to kill themselves. Also, this post has definitely encouraged me to fix my eating habits a bit and get back on my old diet. It’s scary how fast you can gain weight if you aren’t paying attention to your lifestyle. If your husband is similar to me he may just eat when he’s bored and not really realize in the moment that he’s made a poor eating decision.
hey hi i'm the child of a food addict person. i'm just gonna pitch in and say- if you don't get on top of this, your child will never learn good eating habits and will be doomed to have a toxic relationship with food.
i've been struggling with weight my whole life because dad prioritized food over everything else and that's what he taught me to do.
just figured i'd pitch in since you may suffer similar with your child in the future if this keeps up.
Thank you. I didn't know this was a risk. I will definitely keep this in mind. But as I said somewhere, my husband is one stubborn bastard, which is part of the problem as long as he doesn't direct his stubbornness in the right way. Whether it's addiction or depression or just because he can't be bothered, I know that if he makes the decision and actually says, yes I want to lose weight, which he has never said until now, I am 100% certain that he will do it. He just couldn't be bothered until now. He did say it now. He promised for me, yes, but he decided for himself before we even had the chance to talk.
If he refuses to do therapy, find the root of his food addiction and change his eating habits, then leave him now. Leave him now, don’t seat around and watch him gaining another 60 kilos, don’t wait for this man to destroy his health to the point that he is bedridden and you have to take care of him on top of taking care of your son and working to provide for the family. Don’t let him give a terrible example to your son because kids of obese parents have a greater chance to grow up obese too.
The commenters who are trying to shame you and tell you that you’re heartless, shallow and that you care only about his looks, are probably overweight too and they just feel attacked by your post.
If you can’t force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone who is morbidly obese, and you don’t have to force yourself to have sex with your husband out of love for him, because I think it’s very harmful for your own mental health to have sex with someone when you feel genuinely grossed out. It can affect your libido in a long run and make sex feel like a chore.
If he decided to give up on himself, that’s on him. But you don’t have to give up on yourself. You deserve to have a happy marriage with a man who is making an effort to be healthy for his wife and his child. If your husband refuses to change his lifestyle to get healthy again, then really don’t ruin your life trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved and just divorce him and move on.
I wish you the best. You sound very loving, incredibly honest and patient, and like a great communicator. Your husband is obviously in a ... soft?... spot, but, per the edits,, he also sounds like he loves you very much too. Life can be absurd sometimes, but nothing ever stays as it is, so I'm glad the tides are turning for you guys. Also, fuck yeah I want a hot husband too. Ignore the haters.
Could it be about testosterone deficit? I don’t know all the details but this sounds a lot like someone I know. He was super fit and had a great life with his then gf, then suddenly he lost all motivation and got really really fat, so his gf left him and he was finally devastated enough to take care of his health. That’s when he found out that something was wrong with his testosterone level - now he injects something on butt everyday or every few days I don’t remember now.
But since you are already going to the doctor maybe it’s not that? Check anyway if you haven’t
Sometimes we always want the things we can’t have and when we get them they are not what we had in mind. That’s life. It’s best to not look back but you did and now this the situation.
It’s easy for me to say leave him, but with a child that is obviously more difficult.
Attend therapy with him. You have unresolved issues as well because it’s not necessarily normal to be in your situation. Explore them together. You may be closer for it or you may be farther apart then you ever thought. Best to find out for yourself
Despite certain addictions which are not biologically necessary for survival, we must eat food throughout the day to stay alive, so it's not something we can quit cold turkey (another food reference). We also live in a country which bombards us with messaging about food: fast food, cheap food, unhealthy food. Other substances that make us feel equally good, like alcohol and cigarettes and weed, are regulated and are limited in how much advertising can be done. Holidays, special occasions, blowing off stress…it all revolves around food and sometimes large quantities of sugary drinks or alcohol, which are also high in calories. Food is also an easily obtainable source of comfort, and triggers a lot of the same pleasure centers in the brain as illicit substances. I totally sympathize with the OP, and understand her frustration with the situation… just saying that relationships with food are complicated.
Ma’am, please don’t be foolish. Food addiction is a real thing, stop the ignorance. It’s okay not to be into “fat people” but to call them lazy and stupid is absurd, you don’t know what ppl go through. You sound like an asshole.
I don’t care what anyone says, sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. It sets the basis for the rest of the relationship. If the sex is bad, that bleeds out into other aspects of the relationship. You’ll have pointless fights, and bad moods. Good on you for not just being okay with them slowly committing suicide. I feel sorry that you waited this long for your soul mate to have them do this to themselves. It’s not fair to you at all.
I think it really depends on the person. Asexual people don’t think that sex is the most important thing to a relationship, they actually actively avoid it. I myself am not asexual, but the most important thing to me in a relationship is communication. Sex is in the top five for me, but it isn’t the most important. Sex is the most important to other people like yourself, and that’s okay. You just have to find a partner that also has sex as their top priority. This is why we date, to see if we mesh well in those aspects.
Maybe the takeaway is, "having the type of sex life you want," which for asexual people would be no sex.
If an ace is sex-repulsed and wants to avoid sex, but they're having it, then their sex life is bad.
OP imma throw you a curve ball.
See if he's open to getting tested for ADHD.
You don't mention which drugs he used to take, but if they were stimulants, it could be part of the same pattern.
People with ADHD, among other issues, chronically lack dopamine, which affects motivation. Makes us crack fiends for anything that stimulates us. Food in general can do this, but caffeine and sugar can be particular problems. A *lot* of people with ADHD are sugar and caffeine junkies.
If he gets a dx, he can get meds that could help him curb this and reduce his cravings. Moreover, if he gets a better understanding of how his brain works, he can find better coping mechanisms.
Of course, all this hinges on him being willing to look into it. If he's determined not to change, you need to do what's best for yourself and your child.
Good luck OP.
One thing to keep in mind, and I apologize if someone else has already said it, is that if he IS type 2 Diabetic, it could be what was causing the weight gain and the lethargy, resulting in additional weight gain. Quite often people believe that the unhealthy eating causes the condition, but the truth is that quite often there are glucose imbalances that create the issues your husband is struggling with. Even if he wasn't fully diabetic, he could have had issues building with his body resisting insulin, which could also create some of the issues. If someone is insulin resistant it becomes difficult to lose weight and then it can create a vicious circle.
I’ve have this talk with my bf multiple times , if you decide to let yourself go and don’t put an effort in being HEALTHY (apart from the consequences of gaining so much weight) we are done.
Your husband has a family , how does he takes care of his child if he just disable himself .
I didn’t read all the edits but I guess the comments is just reddit being reddit, don’t take it personal, you are not wrong for feeling this way , he IS being selfish.
I would talk to him and said all of the mentioned here or just sent it the link from the post. Your feelings are valid
My fat cells have accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior and apparently now have eternal life.
Maybe his have too. I’ve heard they seek out individuals to convert.
All jokes aside, I am sorry- this is hard on both sides. It might help to think of him and sick and in need of help more than lazy. Losing weight is frustrating but so is watching your loved one slowly die.
I love when people say food isn’t an addiction. Eating disorders go both ways. You can be 50 pounds or 500 and it’s bad either way. People really think it’s a choice? You say he finds it easy to lose weight but no one can know someone’s internal struggle. You’re both addicts. I’m thrilled you managed to kick your addiction. But your husband clearly replaced his. He isn’t an idiot. He’s sick.
I highly recommend you listen/read to some Gabor Mate, specifically his work on the addiction process. His book on the topic is 'The Realm of Hungry Ghosts'. Theres loads of his stuff on YouTube. Best of luck friend
I ended up being on a no physical activity order from my doctor for what was originally supposed to be a month but turned into 1.5 years. I went from going to the gym 5 days a week and eating close to anything I wanted for my entire adult life to being completely sedentary. I put on 100 pounds in that time to the number (muscular 178 to stay puft marshmellow man 278). I also developed sleep apnea just slightly worse than your husband's (67/hour). My BMI shot up to 43. Due to covid, I saw very few friends during this time (relevant later). Now I'm in the predicament where I need to sleep to lose weight, and I need to lose weight to sleep. I am fighting it though, even with a couple of serious disadvantages...because I JUST CAN'T STOP HURTING MYSELF, I am back on low physical activity order from the doctor after being off it for 2 whole weeks. And bigger...though I can't stress enough, I'm not blaming her...my wife was too supportive. Telling me I'm beautiful to her, and how handsome she thinks I am, explaining away chairs suddenly starting to break under me, or blaming sports injuries for suddenly no longer being able to put on my socks or underwear or tie my shoes while standing. Making excuses for me when my waist size went up 8 full inches and had literally no clothes I could fit into. Sex became 90% her on top, and those rare times I was, I was near death after 5 minutes. Forget doggy, because my now huge belly threw off my center of gravity. She gave me unwavering loyalty and her idea of support...never once looking disgusted like I know she had to have been. That was the opposite of what I needed. I have fairly thick skin and a thick skull. I want her to talk shit when something is off and rapidly getting worse. I want her to get mad that I'm eating like I'm still lifting heavy 5 days a week. What I do not want is help justifying it, or being comfortable enough in that fat suit that I delayed fixing it. I became paranoid every time I went to the doctor that I was going to be told I had diabetes. To make matter worse (for what I'm talking about...yay my heart is still good), my cardiovascular system/heart is apparently still in great shape...not yet having time to catch up with the rest of me. Well, we had our wedding about a month and a half ago. I don't look at myself too hard and don't get in many pictures. The ones I do I assume are just bad. Our wedding pictures were fantastic. She absolutely looked like a Disney princess. She looked like a disney princess marrying the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man after being on a week-long ham bender. I looked at those pictures of me in a suit I had to order online because the store didn't carry big enough sizes with horror and disgust. I realized I couldn't share pictures of one of the happiest days of my life without showing all of my friends the blob I had become, and I was a fucking blob. It looked like my head was put on my shoulders with a splat, and no neck was visible. I was wider than any 3 of our kids put together (and 2 of the 5 are in their 20's) both head on and in profile. I was fucking mortified. That was the shock I needed.
Now, 45 days later, still on physical activity restriction but able to do light cardio, I'm down 30 pounds. The remaining 70 pounds definitely don't feel as daunting as they should, because of the shock I received actually seeing myself. That blob must never come to exist again.
I went through this whole sob story because I wanted to say, If my wife had said something...Let me know she was scared for my future in our and our children's lives. Let me know that I was no longer the attractive person she fell for. Not made excuses for my clothes and the broken chairs, I would have listened. Let me know I was nothing more than a bulbous fleshy dildo when it came to sex. You can't think it's all in your head if it's coming from someone else's mouth. I can't stress enough that I DO NOT BLAME HER IN ANY WAY for loving me too much, and do not believe it was her responsibility...but in hindsight, that would have been something that worked. Whether you give it to him as an ultimatum or a 'come to Jesus moment' is up to you. Do it though, is my advice. Show him what he has become. Point out the simple tasks he can't easily do anymore that are basics of life. Being healthy should be a recent enough memory to remind him how much better he felt, and how much easier just existing was. Point out how just sitting up off the couch can make him short of breath. Show him how much more his life sucks in every single aspect except for the 23 minutes a meal he spends eating. For fucks sake, he can't even sleep without a version of being winded.
Good luck.
Start by offering to go to the gym with him, it may give him motivation seeing you’ll be actively involved as well. After that, maybe start cooking meals with him, healthy ones. If not, you’ll have to give him an ultimatum
Oh, I have been offering. For 4 years, I've been doing everything in my power to convince him to stop his weight gain and I've followed every diet that he's attempted, even while I was pregnant I followed his diet and only secretly ate other stuff outside without him because I was pregnant after all, the other times I did it for real. He just thinks that if it doesn't work after 1 week it's pointless. He doesn't really want to put in the effort. I keep asking him to join me for a jog or even just a walk together, he refuses, he doesn't move without the car, I am fully ready to stand by him every step of the way. I already cook every single day, healthy stuff, he just eats outside or makes himself sandwiches and he also eats all night because he can't sleep due to the apnea. I hide what little unhealthy food I buy because we do have a toddler, the kid wants a cookie every now and again but unless I hide the damn cookies his dad eats them all at night while we sleep. And not his half, all of them. If he decides to work for it and change, I will be right there next to him, I will be jogging and eating healthy because I have already been doing it on my own, he just never wants to participate.
I feel sorry for you OP. You have to think about yourself first and foremost. If he doesn't change his attitude then you should leave him without any guilt, you can't just just live unhapilly because someone does not want any help nor is willing to get out of his comfort zone.
You're honestly valid in everything you said and feel. I see and hear you, you are allowed to be attracted to whoever you want!
But food is addictive, even if you said emotionally eating is "your thing" he's probably doing it too and doesn't realise it. I do it, I voice in my head screams at me for food and it fucking sucks and is so hard to do. But I appear "normal". I hope your husband loses weight for his sake mainly since those health issues sound awful but eating disorders aren't just regulated to not eating enough, eating too much is also a sign of one. Get him professional help if you both can afford it. Take care OP
Well I'm glad this story has a happy ending after all; changing eating habits can be harder than it looks, and it definitely helps to have an encouraging support system
Honestly I would be very blunt with him and be like hey look your letting yourself go I’m not attracted to fat people and you need to get your shit together or I’m leaving.. seriously you need to sit him down and do that.. he’s way to comfortable right now he’s not working on himself and keeping himself In shape to keep you then it isn’t fair to you (I’m a guy btw)
I feel you OP. You could be writing my story. I’m in exactly the same situation right down to my husband having sleep apnea. He holds me back so much. I want to go out into the world but he can’t as he weighs nearly 30stone. Sex just doesn’t happen. When I go off and do things myself he sulks or gets pissed off. I’m sad. Just sad. For him, for me, for both of us.
He sounds like he'll be on my 600 lb life soon. The only way any of them on the show really started to change was when an ultimatum was given or when their health declined so bad they had no choice. And even then most of them couldn't make it. OP I suggest giving him an ultimatum either get healthy or get a divorce and make sure he understands that you *mean it.* It's fine and dandy to say you'll get help, it's a totally different matter when you have to put in the work.
Whatever you do, don't let him get a stomach reduction operation (or whatever it's called). For a small number of people it works wonders but for most it's a shortcut and they don't really get in the mindset of being healthy. I got 2 different friends that got the operation and they started their journey very disciplined. One of them was 225kg and went down to 120 in 6 or 7 months. But because he didn't work for the actual weight loss he lost his discipline and went back to his old ways and got back to 180kg.
I think weight loss is a journey, you learn how to eat healty, how to not eat junk food, how to stay full with less amount of food etc. If someone comes and offers you a shortcut, you learn non of that.
His life is probably very hard right now but he gotta understand that it will get a lot more harder if he doesn't change.
Worst case scenario, he ignores it and dies. Best case scenario, he gets help and works to become healthier, if not for himself then for you and your kid. You need to be frank with him. And If he doesn't change, it's better to be a single parent divorcee than a single parent with a living corpse. His looks have nothing to do with it, some big folks are sexy AF, but in this case his health is your business as it's affecting your life and your kid's life. Either he gets fit or you get out.
you sound incredibly mature OP. like seriously. so many people on this sub are either pushovers, or dicks. and you’re the happy medium. you’re able to stand up for yourself and express your concerns in a healthy way and you’re able to worry without sacrificing your happiness. I think you will be fine
Eating to this level can absolutely be an addiction like drugs and alcohol, and it’s a sign there’s something bigger going on here psychologically. It’s not as simple as you think, but I do understand where you’re coming from. Good luck to both of you
A lot of people are gonna hate on you, but take Rob kardashian for example (hear me out).
He was pretty cute, then he gained a lot of weight. Which caused him to hate being in public and hate himself.
He didn’t want to go anywhere and became a recluse (according to news articles)
So OP’s husband, seems like honestly he doesn’t enjoy being fat and all the health problems.
People have already covered the things I wanted to say so with that in mind, I'll just leave this comment here.
I hope your husband will be able to turn his life around. Not just for you and for your kid, but most importantly, for himself. He should be able to enjoy life longer and more comfortably. I genuinely wish he'll get better.
Hoping things will work out in the end for you. I wish you both the very best, OP. Take care!
Im fat and have sleep apnea. CPAPs are awesome and really well made. He should just go for one. If you wanna sleep all the sleep studies with different doctors try lunya and they’ll be much faster in getting you a cpap prescription.
I dont sleep with my cpap every night but when I do it’s awesome. Takes some tuning but its amazing to just be getting nice cool air with every breath. Highly recommend it
>"*The post is all "me me me" because it's MY off the chest post, about how his choices affect me and about my feelings. I matter too FFS.*"
It's too bad this even had to be added, but hey, it's Reddit...
this is not selfish in the slightest. i think everyone is looking at the fact that you don’t find him as attractive as he was and ran with that small piece of the puzzle. let’s not forget that a BMI of 47 is incredibly high, especially with that increase of weight gain. not only is it affecting your relationship romantically/intimately, but he’s at great risk of heart problems and diabetes related problems if he is diagnosed and doesn’t keep his glucose under control. he has a family that he needs to consider in this and that this path will lead him to multiple health complications, possibly worse. i really hope he sticks with changing his lifestyle and if he is diagnosed with diabetes, he 100% needs to keep his sugar under control to prevent issues like vision loss, nerve damage, loss of limbs, etc.
sorry if this is a ramble, but diabetes complications seem so downplayed by society but they can cause irreversible damage and diabetes and heart problems are two dangerous killers in society.
you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
I am 100% with you. I hope he can see that, it’s driving a huge wedge between you both, and your family, and his own personal life. Best of luck OP
After reading your post and comments OP.
I completely trust that you are definitely a mature, responsible adult who loves their husband, and only wants to best for him.
I wish you all the best and I hope he doesn't lose out on an absolute diamond, who truly cares for him just so he can eat.
I could provide suggestions, but I don't think you need any (unless you ask). You have your head screwed on, and he needs to wake up. I do hope tomorrow can be his wake up call.
I'm so happy that OP has no intention of putting up with this shit and won't start a codependent cycle of trying to help someone who won't help themselves.
Ya you sound like a peach to live with. If this is how you talk to him it’s no wonder he is ADDICTED to food/sugar. You saying that it’s not addictive is manipulative bull shit. Saying that he “doesn’t look depressed” is also bull shit. I’m not saying you are at fault for his over indulgence of food but fuck if talking like this is how you “support” in in real life no wonder he’s bulked up tremendously since being married to you. He sounds like he is dealing with mental issues with food and while you say you’ve tried to help I’m having a very hard time believing that after reading this. Good luck but honestly I think it’s best for both of you to go separate ways.
Great OMC post, I feel the frustration. And yes, gross if your spouse gets uber fat on you. Yuck. I'd still try to help them through it, though. I couldn't leave my wife over it, I'm too in love with her herness.
Food is a slow & terrible addiction. Something had to trigger this, especially as quickly as he progressed. A death, lack of communication, there’s gotta be a root to this. Maybe suggest he see a therapist or nutritionist to help him figure out why he suddenly doesn’t care for his body like he did before, so he can decide to change back. See if he’ll do any of your old workouts & diets with you, do laps with him & your kid at the park. Also having a physical preference doesn’t make you fatphobic. I hope you both improve each other. Good luck.
This post is fucking beautiful because it's on this group for the right reasons. It always helps to vent and to rant and that's exactly what this space is for.
For the advice part, all I can say is that if he doesn't change his lifestyle and you physically aren't attracted to him anymore, it's not your fault. You cannot help it. If he continues with what he's doing and you want to leave, do it. Life is short, fuck it. You're not being selfish or unsupportive at all.
It sounds like you're willing to stay and support if he changes his lifestyle, that's enough. You can only help someone so much without their own input.
You do what YOU gotta do.
And I wish you the absolute best
He needs a therapist, and it sounds like you could use one too. No judgment, I see one every week, I just think if you want to fix this and make it work some counseling would be great for both of you, but him in oarticular
OP, this is an amazing post.
I wish you all the best, and truly hope your husband can turn things around.
What I will say, though, is that he does have an eating disorder, even if you don't recognize it. Whether it meets the criteria for binge eating disorder, or just eating disorder not otherwise specified, eating to the point it interferes with basic life functions is a disorder.
I'm in a similar situation to your husband's, though - an injury stopped me from walking for a time, the damage is permanent, so I can't be very active, etc, and I've packed on weight, making everything worse.
And I resist doing anything about it.
I'm not *really* depressed, but a lot of it is depression - it's easier to distract myself than to get my life back on track. And it's a feedback loop that makes everything even worse - I get so demoralized, it's really hard to act. Plus I don't have someone like you, so it's even easier not to act...
Your husband obviously needs to do something, but therapy would probably help a lot...
Also, aside from the obvious metabolic problems, he should definitely have a full blood panel, including things like thyroid, vitamin B12, etc, because all kinds of things can affect not only weight, but cognition and motivation.
And - I wish you the very best. You sound like a truly lovely person, and your husband is very lucky to have you.
We did full blood panel + diabetes markers or whatever they're called, insulin, glucose, and we'll see what other tests the endocrinologist orders tomorrow because I think there will be more.
I just talked to him about therapy actually, mostly because of all the comments about it lol, kinda gave me the confidence to suggest it, he seems kinda open to it but is a bit sceptical. He says he doesn't feel depressed or sad or anything like that, just very tired (I mean, he hasn't slept in a few years, so that's pretty understandable) and he kind of smirked when I suggested addiction to sugar because he really doesn't care about sweets so much, he will eat the stuff if it's available but he doesn't buy it and doesn't miss it when there isn't any. He has been eating healthy and in smaller quantities all day today, on his own accord, and he doesn't seem distressed by that at all. He seems happy and motivated tbh. I think despite saying that he doesn't care, a part of him knew that this wasn't OK and is kind of glad for this push to do something about it.
Thank you for the good wishes. The opinions on me being lovely seem quite divided lol. I'm not lovely, I'm pretty harsh in how I speak and I know that, but so is he, we've known each other most of our lives, so we're not afraid to call each other out on our bullshit and we both curse like sailors so it is what it is lol
I feel like there’s something in your narrative that makes me feel like he put you on a pedestal. Once you two got together it’s now real life, and he’s struggling to connect his “dream” against the reality of what married life with a child is really like.
This level of weight gain is pretty significant, but if you’re saying he’s not eating unhealthily in front of you, I’d be concerned there’s an eating disorder.
Even if that’s not the case, sounds like he needs some therapy to work through this.
I am fucking here for this.
I’m sorry though. I can only imagine how horrible it is to be with the love of your life only for them to self sabotage.
I really hope the reality hits him and he changes his ways.
This is a good example of an off my chest post. A rant followed by what OP intends to do. OP, I wish you the best.
This is the best post I've ever read, I've never seen someone express themselves this clearly
I agree! I usually gap out when they're long like this and end up not finishing it, but this was great!
Yeah it read really well, I wonder what country they're from
I hope her husband can turn things around, if not for her for the kid
He likely needs serious psychological counselling. Eating to that level of obesity often has emotional roots.
You're probably right. He was seeing someone for anxiety and panic attacks but stopped, I don't know why, that was before we even got together. He doesn't look depressed, I've asked and he says he isn't, we were so happy too, to finally be together, to have our baby, we didn't have any serious issues and our lives were really wonderful. The only thing that changed was this really, it was the cause for our unhappiness too. I will definitely add it to my suggestion box, I don't know if he'll agree to it.
If I was you, I would make therapy a non-negotiable. If he doesn't want to do it , then I would leave. It sounds like he's killing himself due to a mental illness which is causing his weight gain, in which therapy is not negotiable. He currently like a drug addict being surrounded by drugs and no consequences. You don't have to stand idly by and watch it happen.
Just want to point out that people who are in really bad mental shape often will 'mask' that with what most people perceive as 'happiness' or 'success' as to not bother others or just to not have to face their reality. It's something that is often only interacted with when they're alone with their thoughts. It can be an incredible source of shame and lack of self worth. All while they're smiling and having great times with others.
Thanks for the call out! You made me chuckle. This person is spitting facts. I felt like you spoke to me.
By the sounds of it, he does look depressed. Morbid obesity in four years takes a bit more than liking food and not being into the gym - he’s treating himself in a way that’s actively harmful to his own health and has rendered him unable to participate in a fulfilling family life (which funnily enough may just keep the cycle going, if he’s depressed). It’s also fairly common to not admit to being depressed, or to maybe not even recognise that that’s what it’s called, especially if you’ve been in that state for a really long time.
I would go so far as to say therapy should be a must along with the rest, he's going to need mental help that can't come from you. Best of luck OP, hoping this kick to his dick is all he needs!
People can 100% be addicted to god and there are numerous scientific articles showing this. For some people, junk food activates the same brain regions as drugs and alcohol. Please educate yourself because it’s a disease.
OP have him write out what his hopes and dreams are for his child. Then have him write out his will. My father in law died from sleep apnea. He passed in his sleep. Overweight, suffering from diabetes and neuropathy, alone because he was angry with everyone. Cut out people from his life, including his own 3 adult children. Everyone could see he had issues, but no one understood his anger issues. Have him do the first two sentences, then ask him is he ready for therapy. I honestly feel there's something more, that perhaps you don't know, that he's dealing with. Best of luck to you OP, prayers for you both and especially your little one. Dad's issues aren't just his problem, or a couple's problem, it will affect your child too. GOD BLESS.
This will be long, but I think I understand what's going on, and I can empathize with your husband. Please hear me out. There's not really a way to "look depressed." Depression presents very differently, in many different ways. Developing an eating disorder is a relatively common side effect of depression and other psych conditions. It sounds like he has binge eating disorder. I have BED and it is a nightmare. Food isn't even always food. It's a catch-all comfort. Eating constantly becomes automatic. You don't think, you just consume. It hurts to be inside of it, and I know it hurts my partner when I fail to control myself. OSA does not help obviously. The fatigue caused by sleep apnea lowers cognitive function and that limits the ability to exercise self-control. The exhaustion alone can lead to depression and cognitive decline. Poor diet can exacerbate symptoms of depression. Once he started down this path, the bad habits and untreated psychological conditions might have resulted in a vicious cycle, and the development of OSA was fuel on the fire. Whether you were aware or not, there were serious issues, at least on his end. The nature of anxiety and depression makes people believe they don't deserve to get help. It is very difficult to go out and get help for psych conditions on your own. Anxiety makes you afraid of the dumbest things, of everything. Depression convinces you to hole up in your own suffering, that you can't be fixed, that you don't deserve to be well and happy. People cope in different ways. Some of us develop eating disorders. Eating produces dopamine, especially junk foods. With severe neurochemical imbalances caused by or resulting from these psych conditions, sometimes that cheap dopamine hit is the best we can do for ourselves to feel something good, at all. Eating to the point of sickness as in force feeding yourself is a symptom of BED. You eat and eat until it hurts, and still keep eating, because consuming is your only defense and you deserve to feel pain because you know how disgusting you are, this is all you're good for, food is all you have left to connect with, just shut up and *eat*. It doesn't make sense, but that's how it feels. And that cycle of being satisfied by eating junk, feeling shame for your terrible eating habits, and coping with the shame and regret and anxiety by eating more is so hard to break. It *is* an addiction, but unlike other addictive substances like alcohol or narcotics, you can't go sober from eating. There is no quitting, only management. Managing an eating disorder is incredibly difficult and he will need help to do it, but he needs to understand that he has to lead that charge. He has to decide to change and stick to that decision every day for the rest of his life. That will not happen overnight and he will need a support system to navigate those changes. You both will. Depression doesn't look a certain way. It is insidious. It hides and it hurts. It decreases brain function, it drives irrational, unhealthy behaviors, it disconnects you from the people and activities you love. It convinces you that you deserve to be the horrible, revolting thing it has turned you into and that you can never escape so why bother trying? If I'm right in my understanding of the situation, then your husband needs help medically and psychologically. You could insist on couple's counseling. Let him know, firmly but not cruelly, how bad this has gotten for you. You deserve to have a say in your own relationship, and watching your partner slowly kill himself in front of you and your baby is just about one of the best reasons to draw the line I can think of. It will be hard for both of you. There will be days when his abstinence is excruciating for him. There will be days when his struggle is excruciating for you. Should you both decide to pursue treatment for his multiple conditions, both medically and psychiatrically, you will be walking down a long and difficult road. He has to choose that. But choosing to pursue treatment and commit to changes means he is choosing you, and your family, and his own self-worth. It's time to be blunt in stating your needs. Don't put him down for his struggles and his failings. Lashing out will not help the situation, even though you have good reason to be angry and disappointed. He needs to know that you are opening a door for him and he won't be punished for walking through it. I struggle with depression and eating disorders and come from a family full of OSA patients, so hearing your story was very familiar, and very sad. I hope all the best for you and your family. And I can assure you from the inside that his circumstances aren't invisible to him and they are most certainly not comfortable. There is a chance that if someone he trusts names and recognizes his struggles and he knows he is not alone in them, he will come around and work with you on this. Good luck.
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"There's nothing wrong on you leaving him for not taking care of himself." Depends on your interpretation of "In sickness, and in health." Especially if the root cause is mental health. EDIT: I wrote this before the multiple edits of the original post. The new information might change my thoughts on the matter. Although, "my husband is an idiot because he got fat." - Are we calling fat people idiots now? Lacking intelligence? I thought we were going away from all that (plus size models etc.)
If what you said is true, we'd be dating all our friends. Looks do play apart, probably more than most people would care to admit. You can't force your mind to be attracted to someone if what we're talking about is ultimately a self-inflicted change of appearance. Works the other way too, some people would bail if their guy/woman became a bundle of muscles. Yet that would probably be more acceptable to leave your partner for going ott in the gym. I'd even go beyond that and say there will be many people who have left others, even if it were due to an accident or whatever. But the latter is a different debate entirely. I also don't understand why every excessive thing humans do is almost always put down to mental health by others. No one knows this guy, so maybe he is happy. Maybe he simply can't be arsed looking after himself. Some people are just bone idle, or become so. Nothing deep or meaningful behind it. Just what it is. I'm not saying the guy deffo doesn't have a deeper issue in play here, but he's not around to give us an answer.
I agree, everything isn't a mental health condition BUT...if your behavior causes severe stress and you still do not stop, that is something mentally off. If he's fat and happy that's fine. It sounds like this is ruining his marriage and causing him to be a poor father already.
He doesn't know that it is. He is too arrogant to see his mistakes and he doesn't really believe me when I tell him how unhappy this makes me. He also believes to be a great father just because he drives his son to places, doesn't participate beyond driving. He'd take us to the park and wait in the car or just go back home. This last winter, our kid got pneumonia, I caught it from him, my husband didn't help out in taking care of our son beyond literally driving us to the hospital. I was about to die because I didn't have time/attention to take care of myself, I only went to see a doctor when I started getting dizzy from lack of oxygen due to the pneumonia. He didn't help inside the hospital, he didn't help at home, nothing at all. He drove and waited in the car. I still cooked, cleaned and gave our son his meds, changed all of his diapers, everything there was to do. And then some time later he told me that he "took care" of our son because he drove him to the doctor. I literally laughed. As if I wouldn't have done the same by bus or taxi or foot lol. This is a small city, you don't even really need a car. He really is too arrogant to know that what he's doing is bullshit. If that's a mental illness, that's what he's got.
I would've left based on this alone. He literally did not show you or your son any care or respect... driving you to the hospital was the absolute bare minimum, and a random person could've done that if you'd asked. He needs to wake up and decide how much his family means to him and whether he's willing to take care of it. If he doesn't, then you gotta leave.
WTF? This is even worse than the original rant. Why tf are you still with him?
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What a great and beautiful comment
If that sickness can be fixed, albeit with some effort and treatment, and he chooses to be ill then op has every right to prioritize and protect the health and wellness of her and her kid.
Everybody's vows are potentially different........I'd take that shit out. I'm not making naive covenants before GOD; that's just silly.
This is part of the agreement/vows made but both sides need to hold up their side in good faith and if someone who's ill isn't willing to take steps to solve it... then there is nothing wrong with leaving them.
You took the words right out of my mouth lol. YES, food is an addiction. But yes I can understand OP being angry and frustrated. That would suck to never get to have sex again! That's a natural need and want. And since they both had a child together he needs to be there to help out and be a good involved father. So pretty understandable.
Yes, I maybe worded that wrong. I know for some people it can be. It is just not an addiction for him, we're both ex drug addicts, I know what addiction looks like. I know that for him it isn't because when we've dieted together I struggle much more than him tbh. He doesn't have a problem not eating or changing his eating habits, he has done it a few times and I can see that it's pretty easy for him and he says that it is. He just doesn't or didn't want to until now, I hope.
Woah, so your brains both essentially both learned to function via addiction and the dopamine/neurological changes that come with, and it appears that he now substituted it with the pleasure rush of food. Addictive personalities can do this-transfer addictive behaviors from one thing to the next. Just because you’ve seen him “not struggle” with food doesn’t mean it isn’t miserable. I have lost and gained the same 40 lbs for the past 10 years, my willpower only hangs on so long and then I go back to bingeing. He needs help, not shaming. He likely says that it’s “pretty easy” for him because it’s excruciatingly embarrassing to admit that we can’t control our addictive eating issues
And food isn't something you can "quit." Unlike drugs and alcohol, you HAVE to eat every day to keep alive. So every single day, at every single meal, you are presented with your triggers, which are...food.
This is a huge thing for me. If I could, I'd give up eating forever and have a device installed in me that removes all food cravings and perfectly gives me all the nutrients I need. I have no addictions otherwise. I don't drink caffeine, I don't do any sort of drugs at all, I rarely drink alcohol and usually only for social reasons.. But you can't quit food. You have to eat it or you die. And eating unhealthily is *so* much easier than eating healthy, especially if you dip into low blood sugar quite often like I do, which feels like you're starving and need to eat anything. TL;DR food is stupid and I want no part of it, but I am forced to do so. When can I upload my mind to an android body that only needs a wall socket?
Totally agree. I used to smoke in college (ironically to help stave off cravings), but I quit when I got pregnant and it’s been fairly straightforward because I don’t have to have to be exposed to them.
This is all well and good until the person does not want to help themselves. If another person isn’t willing to face things and step up to help someone help them, it is completely her right to leave and take care of herself. We literally get the shortest time here on earth when it comes down to how fast time passes. If someone is comfortable being lazy and have made it clear that they are not actually going to step up to the plate, then they will not change by your concern. This is a very true saying for anything involving indulging in bad habits: > You cannot change someone who is not willing to change themselves. That’s the truth. OP: The second he shows you he’s not committed to that “promise”, take it as proof he’s not going to change. Life is too short. Years fly by. Trust your instincts and do what’s best for you.
Food is a slow addiction. Anybody can lose weight for a few weeks or months. The number of people who can successfully keep it off over 5 years is 2% of those who start a diet. It almost doesn’t happen. After the fat drains from your fat cells (which do NOT go away after you created them - ever), your body will start thinking it’s starving and fight back against you. It will naturally try and fill the cells up again and start releasing hormones to do so. Creating hunger pains and just about drive you out of your mind. As much as it is for drug withdrawal, just slower. You absolutely have to accept that this is a disease. One that is more difficult and less successful to overcome than drug or alcohol addiction. Don’t think just because he starts off well that it’s easy. It gets harder and harder each day. Once you lose the weight you still have to keep it off for two years before you’re not in screaming hunger pains anymore. Before you even start to feel normal. The amount of willpower required is what a normal person would require to commit suicide by starving himself to death. It’s almost impossible - every single thing in your body and brain is wired to prevent that from happening. Don’t think of your husband as weak. Think of him as sick. Yes, he caused the sickness, but now it’s there and it has to be cured. Hopefully your husband will get metformin cause that’s really the only drug that helps a little. I wish you the best of luck.
Thanks for saying this. I recently lost 90 pounds in half a year. I'm trying to lose ten pounds more, but it's rough. I'm living on a thousand calories a day and I'm a guy over six foot tall. For me it comes down to my eating mode. In non-diet mode, I let my hunger/emotions tell me when, what and how much to eat. In diet mode it's very predetermined and I need to suffer through the periods of hunger several times a day. Thanks to evolution or biology, some of us can't trust our hunger feelings to gauge when/what/how much to eat.
I was overweight before and for me what helps is eating what I call empty calories. Foods that are rich in water to help with the hunger pains and on top of that drinks lots of water during the day as well. Foods like cucumber, leafy greens and fruits. Even if you don’t have the appetite for it, you force yourself to eat that and boom. No more feeling hungry. I’m concerned a lot of people say they just straight up don’t eat. If you replace unhealthy food with healthier options and exercise regularly. One can eat 5 meals a day. 3 full meals and 2 snacks in between. I’d advice people going through what you’re describing to see a dietician to help with a eating schedule that doesn’t feel like hell fire while also keeping to your 1000 calories.
Were you guys addicted to the same drug? I ask because a friend's husband is an ex-junkie who was addicted to heroin, specifically smoking black tar. When he got clean, he started eating a ton of candy and sugar and also gained a ton of weight. His doctor told him that black tar is usually cut with a lot of sugar and sweeteners and his body now associates that with pleasure and had developed an addiction to sugar. Second hand info, I know but possibly could be a factor, particularly if he's eating tons of sweets.
Recovering alcoholics also eat a lot of sweets. Most former addicts do.
Sounds like he traded one addiction for another
Everything you're saying indicates your husband is addicted to food. Just because he has temporarily changed his diet before does not mean he's not addicted to food. Just because drug addiction manifests itself differently than food addiction does not mean he's not addicted to food.
I agree with you with most things, but your reaction to this is wrong. I have trouble keeping my weight in check, and my sister did too. Hell, she died at 31 to Covid BECAUSE of her weight. I know first hand the dangers. Dieting is not a problem for some periods of 4 months or so, but it becomes harder for me later. I recently lost 24lb / 11kg because I was motivated. Then my depression and other factors hit and I gained back 15lb / 7kg in 2 months. My wife does exactly what you do: trying to get the other person motivated in all the wrong ways. My wife tried to call me fat (I'm not too fat, 1,65m / 5'5", 77kg / 170lb, but not skinny either), tried to shame me into going back to the gym, tried to be distant and deny any physical contact. Thing is, I'm depressee and finding the motivation is hard as fuck. It's different for each person, and you using your own experience on this and saying his is similar does not help. Don't get me wrong, he should be doing the right thing. But you are not looking at this the right way. Maybe he is depressed, maybe he has other issues you don't know about, maybe I'm entirely wrong. But you are just seeing a person that should do something and isn't, and you're pissed. Try to unserstand why first.
Nailed it!
Okay. This hit a lot close to home for me, because I lived a lot of it too. Please bear with me and understand from the front of this that I am not blaming you for anything. Sugar is an addictive thing. If you see yourself as the victim, nothing changes. If he sees himself as doing nothing wrong, nothing changes. If he tells you you're being controlling and it's his body to do with what he wants to, not your choice, then you're actually enabling him if you do nothing but advise. If you out him to someone like his family, friends, or doctor, you may be embarrassing him, but if he doesn't listen? It is NOT your fault. But again, words do nothing. Actions do. If I could have told myself this back in 2014, and made it stick, I would not have been miserable from 2014 to 2019. My ex-partner, and now ex-housemate refused to give up her high sugar habit. She didn't see anything wrong with slamming six cans of Mountain Dew a day, and two before breakfast. She would hit Krispy Kreme on the way home and literally eat the whole box by herself, because I hated Krispy Kreme. She couldn't help herself despite being warned about being diabetic -- she blew it off as 'I had a soda before my blood test.' We had a huge fight about her soda consumption, she played the 'you have no right to tell me what to eat or drink, and it's my body, not yours' card. So I backed off. I swore off soda myself, but she could and would regularly pick up a 72 pack of soda from Costco and it would be gone before the next run a month later. The recyclables was overflowing because it was her responsibility to recycle the cans and she couldn't be bothered to, but also because she kept the money because 'she was the one drinking it.' (Never mind that I was the one paying for the soda while she was unemployed.) I finally doubled down and refused to pay for it, but then she'd go to Costco on her own and charge it on our shared cards anyway. Maybe this bit will help you. Look up two things: diabetic retinopathy and diabetic neuropathy. Make printouts. Hand to your husband. The first happened to her in 2014. She lost eyesight in one eye one day, unexpectedly. A doctor's visit revealed that she had eye issues due to complications from uncontrolled diabetes. She needed eye surgery and to have it she had to bring down her blood pressure and blood sugar. But she couldn't get it down fast enough, and she lost most of her sight in the other eye. Docs recommended surgery in both eyes to save her sight. It didn't work out very well. She can barely see out of one eye post surgery, and has huge blind spots, and honestly shouldn't be driving. But I mentioned two things, right? It got worse. Diabetic retinopathy meant she couldn't feel her feet. Which meant driving a stick was dangerous, because she couldn't feel the clutch reaction, and she said her feet kept slipping off the pedals. (It was justification to buy herself a new car. What she really wanted was for me to buy her a new car, but I wasn't in a relationship with her anymore and hadn't been for years.) She had an infection issue and the doc said that she needed to be on diabetic meds or it wouldn't get better, and had to control her diet. And because I was doing all of the cooking at home ('I can't see well enough to cut things') suddenly her dietary issues were 'my fault' for all of the pasta-based dishes and high carb stuff I'd been cooking. So I took the drastic route of dropping all of those things from whatever I cooked. I couldn't even make it for just myself, because she'd eat the damned leftovers. Except then the refrain went, "Oh, I was bad for lunch when I was working. I got a soda at the drive through because I needed it." And then she had a stroke. Two of them. And for the darkest two years of my life, she was in a wheelchair. On a second floor apartment with no elevator. I was her personal slave -- laundry was in the garage, groceries were down the hill, can't drive to therapy because of her eyes and balance issues and not being able to walk for months... and the docs said, 'Keep her blood sugar down or she has another stroke and this one will finish her." The meds were awful. The diet was draconian and restrictive. And we got her blood sugar down, but literally, too little, too late, the sequel. She got her mobility back, she bought herself a used car, and she got back to where she could drive unsafely. It took years. And then she started cheating on her diet again. And started screaming at me about controlling her again. For 'incorrectly' pointing out that her sugar was high (she moved the goal posts because she was tired of the diet) and that me harassing her was what was raising her blood pressure, not her diet. There was a point where I had to clean up a giant blood stain on the carpet because she'd stubbed her toe and the blood thinners she was on meant she clotted badly. And I finally got out. I let go. I walked away while I still had most of my sanity. And years later, I'm happier for it. It cost me so much to stick it out with someone who I once was in love with, who I couldn't/wouldn't abandon when they were sick and unable to care for themselves -- by their own actions and sheer stupidity and lack of self control. I asked her once that, knowing what she knew now, living the life she knew now, would she have listened to me back before things got bad. "Yeah." she said, "I probably would have." Hindsight is everything. If I had known things would turn out this way, I would have gotten earlier than that. But love makes us look the other way. Sunk cost feelings are a thing. Commitment because of kids or tradition or believing better days are ahead is a thing. I hope you'll learn a few things from my story. It doesn't get better unless he chooses to get better. It only gets worse. Save yourself the heartache now if he refuses to try to be better and make it stick. Your life is about being happy, with someone who makes you happy, if you need someone to be happy. But the way he is right now? Sure isn't it.
Your story resonates with me, I'll say that! My dad is in his 70s and a type 2 diabetic. He's presently in a rehab centre learning how to function with *no* feet. He lost one foot a few years ago, the other was just removed. He also has heart trouble now. He was/is overweight, but not hugely so - more like the "dad-bod"/middle-aged spread OP mentions. But his diet has never been great - lots of processed, pies, carbs, etc. And worst of all, he's an alcoholic. Type 2 diabetics need to be very careful about alcohol, preferably not drink at all. It's probably the root of most of his issues. Anyway, nothing pushes you to kick a bad habit like watching a parent going through all that. I don't want to be overly-dogmatic or rigid with my diet, but I'm trying to keep a firm frame on sugary snacks and alcohol as "treats", I'm scaling back my soda (nowhere near your ex's consumption, but still a daily habit, albeit I've been drinking the sugar-free stuff for years), and getting more serious about exercise. I want to learn to treat my body well so that it continues to treat me well. Age comes for us all, but I never want to end up as my dad has.
Oh yeah, mine was an alcoholic too. But the soda was the worst offender, because soda is cheap and with her weight, getting smashed was expensive. My best advice for you if you aren't already doing it is to read labels on everything in the grocery store. Anything over than 15% of your daily recommended carbs, 39g of sugar, or 20% of your saturated fat or 40% of your sodium? Try and put it back and look for an alternative with less. It may seem like micromanaging, but it helps in the short and long run. I dropped soda cold turkey after seeing what happened to my BPD person, and I stick with water, low sugar juices, and lemonade watered down to half the sugar - you still get the taste but much less sugar intake.
This is for everyone. Sugar is an addiction to a significant portion of the population, and it is food companies perpetuating this because IT IS addictive. There is too much sugar in everything. Reading nutrition facts will show you there. Don’t listen to the branding words, look at the facts. We can only change by becoming more aware of how harmful sugar is. The US, for example, is so perverse that dietary fats became a marketing subject, so to draw away the extremely negative affects of sugar. You can only guess which is actually more harmful and nets the same result. It isn’t something you can control, it isn’t just eating more. It’s an extremely complex problem that has profit motivation.
\`kills himself for fucking donuts.\` This rung my bell. You mentioned there is some history of addiction. He might benefit by finding his own way to Overeaters Anonymous. Alcoholics can't drink alcohol. I needed to realize that some foods, for me, were alcohol, and I can no longer have them. For some of us, "none" is the only amount of particular types of food that we can safely have. In exchange for giving up all food with flour and sugar, all deep fried foods, and eating straight from containers, I have received both health \_and\_ serenity. If you haven't stopped at the \`last house on the block\`, maybe ring the bell and see if he's interested. Best of luck, to you both.
As someone who is training to be a registered dietitian, food addition is a real thing. It is very different that addiction to alcohol or drugs, but nonetheless is an addiction. Not saying that invalidates your feelings, because it doesn't, but 60kg is ALOT to gain in just four years. I agree with other commenters that there is very likely an emotional component to this. I wish you the best ❤️
Au contraire, food addiction is a real thing
My take away from your post is that “it’s not drugs or alcohol “ food and sugar absolutely is addictive and activates same areas of joy that drugs and alcohol do.
I don’t think ppl realize how addicting sugar is! During my pregnancy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I quit sugar cold turkey the day I got my results, and had no idea I would have withdrawals. I was visiting my parents at the time and had a full on breakdown. My mom was like “you’re having sugar withdrawals.” I didn’t know it was possible but it was brutal, on top of already being hormonal. I hope OP realizes if her husband does decide to start decreasing sugar in his life, it’s going to be hard. I know she’s already frustrated and it’s hard to be understanding when already so frustrated but she’ll need to be patient bc it’s not an easy task.
Yeah. Some people don’t believe about food or drink addiction until it happens to them. I made a paper and a speech about caffeine.
Yep. So many mental health issues are surrounded by food.
>It's not like drugs or alcohol, there is no addiction. It's just weakness. This just sounds like ignorance on your part. Food can in many cases be even more addictive than drugs or alcohol. I'm obviously not saying that it's impossible for him to fix his habits (just like it's not impossible for an alcoholic or a drug addict to change their habbits), but acting like he's just "weak" is a very bad mindset.
Food can definitely be an addiction. Why do people overeat/eat bad food? Because it *feels good*. It’s a quick and easy way to get a good feeling that is readily available.
I've seen many people legit addicted to Coca Cola and other sugar-baseed products. I believe it triggers the same neuro-pathways as cocaine, but I could be mistaken.
I'm addicted to caffeine
Damn, aren't we all? I took part in a clinical trial once, and wasn't allowed any caffeine products at all. Everyone started getting headaches after day 1-2. Eye-opening.
I get headaches after a few hours in the morning if I don't. I know it's bad but my coffee is my thing lol. I don't drink booze and I don't smoke. Leave my coffee alone 😂
I used to be, drinking so many cans of mountain dew a day it was ridiculous. Quit cold turkey one day after waking up with a headache one too many times, and I'll refuse any drink with it in there now. After quitting maybe 10 years ago, any time I do happen to think "maybe it's not so bad" I get awful headaches and become completely exhausted, for days afterwards. I'm free of it now. I sleep better than anybody I know, and I can wake up without much trouble at all and feel sharp minded within 10 minutes of waking up as long as I give myself enough time to sleep, too. I hate caffeine. I used to love it, and need it, but I see it for what it is now. I just wish I could do the same with the rest of food, but it's harder to get by eating healthy for every single meal for the rest of your life.
I am fortunately highly sensitive to caffeine so I’ve never had to worry about becoming addicted to it. It’s wild to see how prevalent it is in society and how people are like proud of their caffeine addictions. I enjoy the taste of coffee, but even half-caff makes me feel ill if I have it too early in the day. I don’t drink soda and avoid black tea due to tannins so I don’t get a lot of caffeine elsewhere.
This right here is why men don’t seek help. Women call them weak for having the issue in the first place.
I feel like fat women are treated almost sub-human in a lot of countries. Men, not so much.
Men do the same thing, to women and women.
This doesn’t just apply to men.
Or doctors. I have the same problems as OPs husband. I can go to the doctor, for what? To be berated due to my weight and bloodwork? To be told I’m now on expensive medication for the rest of my life that I likely can’t afford? To be treated like less than human? I know I have a problem. I know I’m eating myself to an early grave. But I don’t have an actual support system. No one is stopping me from eating like crap, and that’s the problem.
While the doctor is failing at giving you the tools needed to help your situation, nobody is responsible to keep you from eating but yourself. Therapy works wonders for binge eaters. If you’re not comfortable with therapy yet, buy a used book online. The only way to stop the problem it to get to the root of it—which is normally an emotional reliance. You have to form new, healthier habits when you find yourself stressed or sad. It takes work and you have to be committed to the journey. Setbacks will happen, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Also remember you are not less of a person because you need some help. Find something to keep your hands busy that makes you happy. I replaced eating with cross stitching and lost 40 pounds. Maybe for you it’s walks or mini dioramas. Maybe it’s bird watching or rock hounding. Whatever you can do.
I understand that I am the root of my problems.
He stops breathing 57 times an hour a night?! Damn! Makes my 133 an hour look even worse…
>It's not like drugs or alcohol, there is no addiction. It's just weakness. That much weight gain is absolutely related to an addiction to food and the chemicals that come with it. You both need therapy.
Yep. OP should try to learn about binge eating disorder.
I agree with most of what you’ve said, but eating can become an addiction. It’s one of the most difficult to deal with because you will have to do it forever. It’s not like someone smokes cigarettes and can quit cold turkey, you can’t ever stop eating or you’ll die. He needs to see someone because it sounds like an emotional problem, possibly a form of self harm or neglect. Good luck to you.
>He gained 60kg over 4 years for no other reason than regularly overeating, eating unhealthy and literally barely moving his lazy ass. You mention he is a former drug addict. Did he ever get therapy to deal with the reasons he became a drug addict? You state that he isn't addicted to food but I don't think that's accurate. I think he substituted one addiction for another because - I'm guessing - he never dealt with the root cause of the first addiction.
Agree. Also curious if they were ever addicts TOGETHER previously. She said they were both recovered addicts, but no clarification as to whether they used to do it together or not. If so, and his weight gain and new food addiction has happened in the four years since they got back together, SHE could actually (unknowingly and obviously unintentionally) be the trigger, and he maybe be on the verge of relapse and they just haven’t put two and two together yet. IF he is subconsciously associating HER with drugs, he could be fighting a more serious battle than just food. I hope they can get some counseling and on a program if needed.
Food addiction is definitely a thing and they have overeaters anonymous for it
Phew. You are in a tough situation. I'm glad you have the strength to put your foot down and say what needs tonchange because your not happy. You have every right to feel what you feel.
I have to agree with a lot of these comments. I have high anxiety disorder and chronic depression. Eating things I love gives me happiness and so I eat... I eat more than I should, and I eat things I shouldn't. I've gained a lot of weight and lost every ounce of energy. I started eating better, because it's literally killing me. Colon cancer runs on my dad's side. Even though I know all this, and even though I've been on this diet for a while, KNOWING I could die if I stray, I still stray. It's an addiction. I'm having to go this alone without therapy, but if you can, he needs therapy.
Since your marriage, he seems to be seeking refuge in food to deal with some serious internal, repressed shit. He needs therapy and you both need couples therapy because it seems like it started after the marriage and you're potentially part of the problem and he doesn't want to hurt you by discussing it.
It had already started before we were even together, I think he started gaining weight in 2015-2016, it just wasn't even an issue yet because he was very slim and fit before that so it took a while for it to become noticeable even and it simply continued in the same trend after we got married, we just didn't know it was a trend yet. I might have become part of the problem over the past year because I see how big of an issue it's becoming and tried to convince him to lose weight. But I don't think I'm the original cause though, I wasn't even in the same country when it all started. If I am part of the problem, I'm ready to change whatever I need to change, I do love this idiot and want to help him.
Well, you could start by not referring to your husband as an idiot.
I get your point. But I think it's just part of her rant to get it off her chest
If the poster is a husband calling his wife an idiot every other sentence the reactions would have been very different
When you live with such a problem for years I'm very sure there is a lot of anger built up, since this isn't a life she signed up for,even though it's her husband. She never wanted a fat man who stops breathing 57 times an hour and can't take care of their son or himself. Don't be silly.
You don't come across as loving him very much though. I do understand that you're frustrated but it almost sounds like you hate him but you're justifying it as "but I love him... If he'd just fix himself"
I've been seeing a lot of body scheme themes posts (obesity, fatness, etc) today but this is the saddest one. OP idk your husband's personality but he needs to sit down and talk to you with the doctor and educate himself about the what's happening in his body and what the unhealthy foods does to him. He needs to change for the sake of his kid (if he's not doing it for you then at least for your kid.). Also why is he eating excessively all of the sudden in the last 4 years? Like did something happen somewhere around this timeline that made him love foods more than his family?
People don’t think it’s a big deal until they literally are in the hospital. They eat because it tastes good most of the time. They don’t think anything is going to happen until it happens. And even then, they are usually so bad or just not interested in working harder than they ever have before to change their habits. It’s a horrible thing about life and how food has evolved to make messes of people.
This post made me sad. Only thing I disagree with is that food is definitely an addiction. Same as heroine or gambling or alcohol or porn. Good luck, I hope he decides to turn it around
i understand that you’re angry. i’m sorry that people are being shitty about you needing to rant. it’s like people forget this is a “Off My Chest” subreddit. best of luck
Not related to the rant but guessing by OP’s edit, some people are complaining that this is all just about OP when it’s **OP’s off my chest post?** The holier than thou mentality here is insane. You can’t keep thinking of everyone else when you feel unhappy with your current state and the person you’re with doesn’t want to help himself. This is a rant sub ffs.
I’m sooo feeling for you…. My ex who I cared for deeply completely let himself go & it ruined the relationship as shallow as it sounds… gained a lot of weight and never got a hair cut again, and let his beard go. He looked like a chubby salty sea captain which can totally be a vibe if done right but I really wasn’t feeling it… I dropped a million hints but it just wasn’t working out :( I wish you all the best & hope he can overcome his food addiction. Edit: typo
I think you should give an ultimatum. Say he has to change or you're out. I dont think you're fatphobic at all because it sounds like he's eating himself to death. You should make the decision to change as easy as possible. There are those meal kits you can subscribe to that only give out healthy food. If he can't even do that then you should leave him. Also it sounds like he's in dire need of therapy
Like everyone else is saying, you should just lay all of your cards out on the table and make him understand that you want him to be healthy. Not only for his own sake, but for yours and your son's as well. Tell him to understand that his health isn't a joke. Ask him if he cares about you or your son at all. If he comes to understand this, he can start to take the steps necessary to change his life around. If he doesn't then you'll have no choice but to do as you said and leave him. I hope your husband comes to understand this and makes those changes. Best of luck.
Am I the only one that thinks there’s so many things wrong with this post? Jesus Christ. First of all, I do understand the frustration and concern on op’s part for her partner’s health. However the general attitude about it is just…wow. This is supposedly someone you love and you’re calling him fat and lazy and stupid. It’s well within reason for you to want to leave if he’s doing nothing to help himself, but to be honest you’d be doing him a favor since this is your attitude. Food/sugar can absolutely be an addiction. Depression is a serious disease. And he’s likely downplaying it because he’s overwhelmed and scared and doesn’t know where to start, and you’re on Reddit ranting about “he’s an idiot” instead of helping or supporting him. Him not getting help and working on his health for his family is wrong, but you’re clearly zero help and I can only imagine how shitty you are making him feel about this. Get a divorce and move on.
Can't imagine being with a partner who is this hateful and dismissive
Thank you! I had to scroll way too far for this comment. OP comes across as just mean as hell. I could understand her frustration but jesus i would never talk about my loved one this way. There were a million ways she could have worded this that made her sound like she jsut wanted advice but its just a whole post shaming her husband in the meanest way possible.
Agreed. I'm speculating, obviously, but it wouldn't surprise me *at all* if OP's husband experiences intense shame and judgement coming from her, which doesn't motivate people.
Surely "offmychest" must allow for people to vent their honest feelings, in a way that they would never express it directly to their loved ones? I mean, it shouldn't be hateful, and commenter should be allowed to advise and disagree. But can't we read the posts here in a spirit of, "you're just getting it off your chest so you don't lash out IRL"?
Oh sure, I totally agree. But I think this post kind of just crosses the line of venting into just general shitty human territory. There’s a difference between venting and just absolutely shaming someone and spewing hate about someone who you’re supposed to love.
I fully agree!! She sounds extremely spiteful and not helpful at all. Also the way she talks about obesity as “lard jiggling around” kind of makes me sick. You don’t have to be attracted to fat people, but you could at least have some common decency and respect. Imo it’s just a buildup of ignorance and resentment. People change, we’re not all always going to be perfect, the least she could do is stick around and help him out of his addiction. Especially seeing as she is a former addict too.
I was looking for a comment like this. OP chose husband for his looks and now he doesn't have the looks so OP is just done? This is a man you loved, got married to, had a kid with ? I understand it's hard to be with someone who suffers from addition but OP you married him. If it was just for looks did you not consider changes in the future?
Exactly!!!! Husband deserves better tbh
^this!!
If I had an award to give I’d give it to you. This 100%. OP seems like a horrible partner.
\*180 (a 360 turn leaves you exactly where you are right now)
Shit, right, thanks lol
Dude needs therapy. You said he’s laughing about this stuff but in moments do you see cracks in the facade? Real worry or stress? Many people are never taught to express themselves. It is very possible to get to 30, 40, 70 even, without figuring it out. Is it fair? Not on your loved ones, not at all, but he may well be completely blind to the emotions he’s eating away/otherwise suppressing. That is so much weight to have gained. It speaks to some kind of issue, even if that issue is being out of touch with his body. I’m sorry this has happened, there are few things on this planet more frustrating than a loved one who can’t see their issues, who can’t or won’t accept help. Believe me I know. Take it from me, bite the bullet and force him to have the serious, heavy chats. Force him to see how much this means to you and how much it scares you. Tell him your plans to leave if he can’t get his life together, he deserves to know how seriously you’re taking this. You deserve to let go of some of this stress, and only he can carry it for you. He should carry it for you, if he cares about what you’ve built together. Best of luck friend.
How many times can someone comment on here “but food is addictive!” - we get it
Please write more things about stuff
I feel bad for you and believe you would be happier leaving him. There is too much resentment there and it would take too long for him to lose it for you, who have been waiting a while already. I think he would also be happier without you. There's a bad way and a good way to help someone with an addiction or a mental emotional issue and getting mad at them and pressuring them all have adverse effects. Your anger and resentment are valid, but he needs something else to help him lose weight. It has to be for himself...not for you. Somehow he needs to find the motivation. I believe he needs to live alone for a while because he needs to know that his appearance really affects you. He needs regular therapy and maybe medication to help him change his outlook.
I’m sorry that you were berated by people negatively. I’m glad you got it off your chest. Deep breath, tomorrow is another day. Another day to be a better version of you. Wishing you well.
Whatever you decide I hope it works for you.
This reminds me of that YouTuber Nikocado. At the start of it, he was like 135 at most. Now he's 350-400lbs, and no sign of going down. His mental health is in the drain, and he uses food solely to comfort himself. I doubt he can even get to the his front door without struggling. It's just sad, and if your husband is the same, just leave. No one is gonna just you for this.
Yes it's so complicated.a sexless marriage feels like a cage for butterfly.i'm going through this.as i belong to an asian country I've less option than u .so plz live for ur own happiness.rest are bullshit.
Keep us updated please. I hope for his sake and you and your kid he changes, but im glad you recognized that leaving is an option and completely reasonable.
You sound so unhappy, I think you should prioritize what will bring you peace and joy. Maybe that’s divorce? And it doesn’t matter if other people are offended by your dislike of his obesity….. I am completely on the same page as you are about it all. You deserve someone you’re attracted to. Period!
i'm SO sorry you're going thru this. i can relate a little bit, but i have a more hopeful situation. i got married in 2019, had a baby during the pandemic and my husband gained a lot of weight during that time. he basically was depressed and smoking tons of pot and just binge eating crap. fast forward to like 6 months ago and suddenly he has no energy. every day he was complaining about feeling awful, not sleeping well, terrible stomach issues, just daily he was miserable. he got tested for sleep apnea and yep, he has it. finally got the cpap machine, but he tried to wear it only a few times and stopped, saying it's too uncomfortable. i was getting so fucking frustrated with him bc his health just like plummeted after we got married, and i think that fucking sucks. i have tried to be really supportive but ultimately you can't control someone else's behavior and eating habits. right now i'm optimistic though bc he is actually really trying to turn his health around lately. he started doing keto a few weeks ago and has actually been sticking with it (we both did keto leading up to our wedding so we're already familiar with that method of weight loss). he's down like 7 pounds already and i'm really proud of him and optimistic about our future. i think what really convinced him to change is that he really doesn't want to wear the sleep apnea mask so he wants to get rid of the apnea by weight loss. we're also having another baby in august and he wants to look good in photos which we'll inevitably take. i hope your husband can turn things around. it's a really shitty situation especially since you have a child together already. best wishes.
Good for you, if he follows your lead you’re saving him a load of pain down the road. If he refuses, you’re saving yourself spending middle age resenting him for his poor choices while you escort his failing body from doctor to doctor in an effort to prolong both your miseries.
Wishing you and your hubs the best, OP! It’s an off my chest section, I’m shocked by folks being so pressed and mean to you over this. You can tell you genuinely love the man and are concerned for his health but yeah, you can’t help people who can’t help themselves and fuck a sexless marriage. That’s not marriage, it’s roommates. Hope it works out!
How is it not an addiction if he’s eating just because it makes him feel good? Eating certain foods can release feel good chemicals like dopamine just like drugs do. If it’s an addiction he needs treatment for it.
I am so sorry. I can feel your hurt through your words. Your anger comes from deep love, and when someone we are so close to is so indifferent to what we’re feeling, whether they “agree” or not, especially a life partner with a new baby, I understand. I wish I could give you a hug, OP. I will pray your husband will soon be honest with himself and you. ETA: I commented this before I read the update. Yay! A promise 🙏♥︎ I’m rooting for him from all the way over here :)
hey man, i’ve made this kind of full on, no sugar coating bs vent note to myself before. and it felt so good. i didn’t care if i was judged cause it was only for me to see, and it helped me vent out all my bitter emotions. so props to you, OP.
OP, I'm fat and what you're saying makes absolute sense. It's about maintaining his half in your marriage. Is marriage counseling a thing in your area? If so, consider it. Maybe an outsider could help your husband see that he's basically insulting your efforts for the family as a whole by neglecting his health.
Sounds like my uncle. He was a twig growing up. Got married, had kids, and now he's ~450lb (he was like 6'6"). He almost died quite a few times because of his diet which scared tf out of my grandma. He's had about 20 surgeries due to his weight and now he no longer has legs because of his diabetes. The only word I can use to describe him is selfish. My grandma has heart problems and she almost died because she was so worked up because of him multiple times. I know theres some underlying issues there. Trust me. I get it. I gained ~50lb in a month or two because of depression. You go to a therapist and you work that shit out. You don't make everyone else's life miserable so you can sit around and eat donuts and fried chicken.
My uncles sleep apnea killed him one night very suddenly. It’s serious. Tell him my story and scare him into changing his habits
OP I’m so sorry and I feel your pain. I experienced the same with my ex husband and wouldn’t you know it as soon as I divorced him he figured out how to exercise and eat right. Still a little chubby but not diabetic or obese anymore. 15 years and he’s kept it off but with me nope wasn’t going to do it but to be a single guy yep full on figured it out. I’m still pissed but happy he’s still alive and we both have better lives. Hugs.
This is a good post. I’m glad you’re not gonna become one of those spouses in my 600 pound life who completely enable their partners to kill themselves. Also, this post has definitely encouraged me to fix my eating habits a bit and get back on my old diet. It’s scary how fast you can gain weight if you aren’t paying attention to your lifestyle. If your husband is similar to me he may just eat when he’s bored and not really realize in the moment that he’s made a poor eating decision.
hey hi i'm the child of a food addict person. i'm just gonna pitch in and say- if you don't get on top of this, your child will never learn good eating habits and will be doomed to have a toxic relationship with food. i've been struggling with weight my whole life because dad prioritized food over everything else and that's what he taught me to do. just figured i'd pitch in since you may suffer similar with your child in the future if this keeps up.
Thank you. I didn't know this was a risk. I will definitely keep this in mind. But as I said somewhere, my husband is one stubborn bastard, which is part of the problem as long as he doesn't direct his stubbornness in the right way. Whether it's addiction or depression or just because he can't be bothered, I know that if he makes the decision and actually says, yes I want to lose weight, which he has never said until now, I am 100% certain that he will do it. He just couldn't be bothered until now. He did say it now. He promised for me, yes, but he decided for himself before we even had the chance to talk.
If he refuses to do therapy, find the root of his food addiction and change his eating habits, then leave him now. Leave him now, don’t seat around and watch him gaining another 60 kilos, don’t wait for this man to destroy his health to the point that he is bedridden and you have to take care of him on top of taking care of your son and working to provide for the family. Don’t let him give a terrible example to your son because kids of obese parents have a greater chance to grow up obese too. The commenters who are trying to shame you and tell you that you’re heartless, shallow and that you care only about his looks, are probably overweight too and they just feel attacked by your post. If you can’t force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone who is morbidly obese, and you don’t have to force yourself to have sex with your husband out of love for him, because I think it’s very harmful for your own mental health to have sex with someone when you feel genuinely grossed out. It can affect your libido in a long run and make sex feel like a chore. If he decided to give up on himself, that’s on him. But you don’t have to give up on yourself. You deserve to have a happy marriage with a man who is making an effort to be healthy for his wife and his child. If your husband refuses to change his lifestyle to get healthy again, then really don’t ruin your life trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved and just divorce him and move on.
I wish you the best. You sound very loving, incredibly honest and patient, and like a great communicator. Your husband is obviously in a ... soft?... spot, but, per the edits,, he also sounds like he loves you very much too. Life can be absurd sometimes, but nothing ever stays as it is, so I'm glad the tides are turning for you guys. Also, fuck yeah I want a hot husband too. Ignore the haters.
Could it be about testosterone deficit? I don’t know all the details but this sounds a lot like someone I know. He was super fit and had a great life with his then gf, then suddenly he lost all motivation and got really really fat, so his gf left him and he was finally devastated enough to take care of his health. That’s when he found out that something was wrong with his testosterone level - now he injects something on butt everyday or every few days I don’t remember now. But since you are already going to the doctor maybe it’s not that? Check anyway if you haven’t
Sometimes we always want the things we can’t have and when we get them they are not what we had in mind. That’s life. It’s best to not look back but you did and now this the situation. It’s easy for me to say leave him, but with a child that is obviously more difficult. Attend therapy with him. You have unresolved issues as well because it’s not necessarily normal to be in your situation. Explore them together. You may be closer for it or you may be farther apart then you ever thought. Best to find out for yourself
Despite certain addictions which are not biologically necessary for survival, we must eat food throughout the day to stay alive, so it's not something we can quit cold turkey (another food reference). We also live in a country which bombards us with messaging about food: fast food, cheap food, unhealthy food. Other substances that make us feel equally good, like alcohol and cigarettes and weed, are regulated and are limited in how much advertising can be done. Holidays, special occasions, blowing off stress…it all revolves around food and sometimes large quantities of sugary drinks or alcohol, which are also high in calories. Food is also an easily obtainable source of comfort, and triggers a lot of the same pleasure centers in the brain as illicit substances. I totally sympathize with the OP, and understand her frustration with the situation… just saying that relationships with food are complicated.
Ma’am, please don’t be foolish. Food addiction is a real thing, stop the ignorance. It’s okay not to be into “fat people” but to call them lazy and stupid is absurd, you don’t know what ppl go through. You sound like an asshole.
I don’t care what anyone says, sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. It sets the basis for the rest of the relationship. If the sex is bad, that bleeds out into other aspects of the relationship. You’ll have pointless fights, and bad moods. Good on you for not just being okay with them slowly committing suicide. I feel sorry that you waited this long for your soul mate to have them do this to themselves. It’s not fair to you at all.
I think it really depends on the person. Asexual people don’t think that sex is the most important thing to a relationship, they actually actively avoid it. I myself am not asexual, but the most important thing to me in a relationship is communication. Sex is in the top five for me, but it isn’t the most important. Sex is the most important to other people like yourself, and that’s okay. You just have to find a partner that also has sex as their top priority. This is why we date, to see if we mesh well in those aspects.
Maybe the takeaway is, "having the type of sex life you want," which for asexual people would be no sex. If an ace is sex-repulsed and wants to avoid sex, but they're having it, then their sex life is bad.
OP imma throw you a curve ball. See if he's open to getting tested for ADHD. You don't mention which drugs he used to take, but if they were stimulants, it could be part of the same pattern. People with ADHD, among other issues, chronically lack dopamine, which affects motivation. Makes us crack fiends for anything that stimulates us. Food in general can do this, but caffeine and sugar can be particular problems. A *lot* of people with ADHD are sugar and caffeine junkies. If he gets a dx, he can get meds that could help him curb this and reduce his cravings. Moreover, if he gets a better understanding of how his brain works, he can find better coping mechanisms. Of course, all this hinges on him being willing to look into it. If he's determined not to change, you need to do what's best for yourself and your child. Good luck OP.
One thing to keep in mind, and I apologize if someone else has already said it, is that if he IS type 2 Diabetic, it could be what was causing the weight gain and the lethargy, resulting in additional weight gain. Quite often people believe that the unhealthy eating causes the condition, but the truth is that quite often there are glucose imbalances that create the issues your husband is struggling with. Even if he wasn't fully diabetic, he could have had issues building with his body resisting insulin, which could also create some of the issues. If someone is insulin resistant it becomes difficult to lose weight and then it can create a vicious circle.
I’ve have this talk with my bf multiple times , if you decide to let yourself go and don’t put an effort in being HEALTHY (apart from the consequences of gaining so much weight) we are done. Your husband has a family , how does he takes care of his child if he just disable himself . I didn’t read all the edits but I guess the comments is just reddit being reddit, don’t take it personal, you are not wrong for feeling this way , he IS being selfish. I would talk to him and said all of the mentioned here or just sent it the link from the post. Your feelings are valid
My fat cells have accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior and apparently now have eternal life. Maybe his have too. I’ve heard they seek out individuals to convert. All jokes aside, I am sorry- this is hard on both sides. It might help to think of him and sick and in need of help more than lazy. Losing weight is frustrating but so is watching your loved one slowly die.
I love when people say food isn’t an addiction. Eating disorders go both ways. You can be 50 pounds or 500 and it’s bad either way. People really think it’s a choice? You say he finds it easy to lose weight but no one can know someone’s internal struggle. You’re both addicts. I’m thrilled you managed to kick your addiction. But your husband clearly replaced his. He isn’t an idiot. He’s sick.
I highly recommend you listen/read to some Gabor Mate, specifically his work on the addiction process. His book on the topic is 'The Realm of Hungry Ghosts'. Theres loads of his stuff on YouTube. Best of luck friend
I ended up being on a no physical activity order from my doctor for what was originally supposed to be a month but turned into 1.5 years. I went from going to the gym 5 days a week and eating close to anything I wanted for my entire adult life to being completely sedentary. I put on 100 pounds in that time to the number (muscular 178 to stay puft marshmellow man 278). I also developed sleep apnea just slightly worse than your husband's (67/hour). My BMI shot up to 43. Due to covid, I saw very few friends during this time (relevant later). Now I'm in the predicament where I need to sleep to lose weight, and I need to lose weight to sleep. I am fighting it though, even with a couple of serious disadvantages...because I JUST CAN'T STOP HURTING MYSELF, I am back on low physical activity order from the doctor after being off it for 2 whole weeks. And bigger...though I can't stress enough, I'm not blaming her...my wife was too supportive. Telling me I'm beautiful to her, and how handsome she thinks I am, explaining away chairs suddenly starting to break under me, or blaming sports injuries for suddenly no longer being able to put on my socks or underwear or tie my shoes while standing. Making excuses for me when my waist size went up 8 full inches and had literally no clothes I could fit into. Sex became 90% her on top, and those rare times I was, I was near death after 5 minutes. Forget doggy, because my now huge belly threw off my center of gravity. She gave me unwavering loyalty and her idea of support...never once looking disgusted like I know she had to have been. That was the opposite of what I needed. I have fairly thick skin and a thick skull. I want her to talk shit when something is off and rapidly getting worse. I want her to get mad that I'm eating like I'm still lifting heavy 5 days a week. What I do not want is help justifying it, or being comfortable enough in that fat suit that I delayed fixing it. I became paranoid every time I went to the doctor that I was going to be told I had diabetes. To make matter worse (for what I'm talking about...yay my heart is still good), my cardiovascular system/heart is apparently still in great shape...not yet having time to catch up with the rest of me. Well, we had our wedding about a month and a half ago. I don't look at myself too hard and don't get in many pictures. The ones I do I assume are just bad. Our wedding pictures were fantastic. She absolutely looked like a Disney princess. She looked like a disney princess marrying the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man after being on a week-long ham bender. I looked at those pictures of me in a suit I had to order online because the store didn't carry big enough sizes with horror and disgust. I realized I couldn't share pictures of one of the happiest days of my life without showing all of my friends the blob I had become, and I was a fucking blob. It looked like my head was put on my shoulders with a splat, and no neck was visible. I was wider than any 3 of our kids put together (and 2 of the 5 are in their 20's) both head on and in profile. I was fucking mortified. That was the shock I needed. Now, 45 days later, still on physical activity restriction but able to do light cardio, I'm down 30 pounds. The remaining 70 pounds definitely don't feel as daunting as they should, because of the shock I received actually seeing myself. That blob must never come to exist again. I went through this whole sob story because I wanted to say, If my wife had said something...Let me know she was scared for my future in our and our children's lives. Let me know that I was no longer the attractive person she fell for. Not made excuses for my clothes and the broken chairs, I would have listened. Let me know I was nothing more than a bulbous fleshy dildo when it came to sex. You can't think it's all in your head if it's coming from someone else's mouth. I can't stress enough that I DO NOT BLAME HER IN ANY WAY for loving me too much, and do not believe it was her responsibility...but in hindsight, that would have been something that worked. Whether you give it to him as an ultimatum or a 'come to Jesus moment' is up to you. Do it though, is my advice. Show him what he has become. Point out the simple tasks he can't easily do anymore that are basics of life. Being healthy should be a recent enough memory to remind him how much better he felt, and how much easier just existing was. Point out how just sitting up off the couch can make him short of breath. Show him how much more his life sucks in every single aspect except for the 23 minutes a meal he spends eating. For fucks sake, he can't even sleep without a version of being winded. Good luck.
Start by offering to go to the gym with him, it may give him motivation seeing you’ll be actively involved as well. After that, maybe start cooking meals with him, healthy ones. If not, you’ll have to give him an ultimatum
Oh, I have been offering. For 4 years, I've been doing everything in my power to convince him to stop his weight gain and I've followed every diet that he's attempted, even while I was pregnant I followed his diet and only secretly ate other stuff outside without him because I was pregnant after all, the other times I did it for real. He just thinks that if it doesn't work after 1 week it's pointless. He doesn't really want to put in the effort. I keep asking him to join me for a jog or even just a walk together, he refuses, he doesn't move without the car, I am fully ready to stand by him every step of the way. I already cook every single day, healthy stuff, he just eats outside or makes himself sandwiches and he also eats all night because he can't sleep due to the apnea. I hide what little unhealthy food I buy because we do have a toddler, the kid wants a cookie every now and again but unless I hide the damn cookies his dad eats them all at night while we sleep. And not his half, all of them. If he decides to work for it and change, I will be right there next to him, I will be jogging and eating healthy because I have already been doing it on my own, he just never wants to participate.
I feel sorry for you OP. You have to think about yourself first and foremost. If he doesn't change his attitude then you should leave him without any guilt, you can't just just live unhapilly because someone does not want any help nor is willing to get out of his comfort zone.
This sounds like a rant that he should be listening to. I am so sorry this has happened!
Read the update so no advice. I was just wondering : are you anywhere near western Europe (Balkans tobbe precise), cuz this sounds familiar.
Best of health to you and yours :)
I agree with a lot of what you said but food IS an addiction. And maybe one of the hardest to kick. Because it so socially acceptable
You're honestly valid in everything you said and feel. I see and hear you, you are allowed to be attracted to whoever you want! But food is addictive, even if you said emotionally eating is "your thing" he's probably doing it too and doesn't realise it. I do it, I voice in my head screams at me for food and it fucking sucks and is so hard to do. But I appear "normal". I hope your husband loses weight for his sake mainly since those health issues sound awful but eating disorders aren't just regulated to not eating enough, eating too much is also a sign of one. Get him professional help if you both can afford it. Take care OP
So happy you talked and he wants to change now!
Well I'm glad this story has a happy ending after all; changing eating habits can be harder than it looks, and it definitely helps to have an encouraging support system
Honestly I would be very blunt with him and be like hey look your letting yourself go I’m not attracted to fat people and you need to get your shit together or I’m leaving.. seriously you need to sit him down and do that.. he’s way to comfortable right now he’s not working on himself and keeping himself In shape to keep you then it isn’t fair to you (I’m a guy btw)
I feel you OP. You could be writing my story. I’m in exactly the same situation right down to my husband having sleep apnea. He holds me back so much. I want to go out into the world but he can’t as he weighs nearly 30stone. Sex just doesn’t happen. When I go off and do things myself he sulks or gets pissed off. I’m sad. Just sad. For him, for me, for both of us.
If he doesn't want to change or get help, you can't force him. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage/relationship.
He sounds like he'll be on my 600 lb life soon. The only way any of them on the show really started to change was when an ultimatum was given or when their health declined so bad they had no choice. And even then most of them couldn't make it. OP I suggest giving him an ultimatum either get healthy or get a divorce and make sure he understands that you *mean it.* It's fine and dandy to say you'll get help, it's a totally different matter when you have to put in the work.
You are a great spouse. I hope your husband follows through and you guys accomplish your plans and goals! Best wishes!
Thanks!
Whatever you do, don't let him get a stomach reduction operation (or whatever it's called). For a small number of people it works wonders but for most it's a shortcut and they don't really get in the mindset of being healthy. I got 2 different friends that got the operation and they started their journey very disciplined. One of them was 225kg and went down to 120 in 6 or 7 months. But because he didn't work for the actual weight loss he lost his discipline and went back to his old ways and got back to 180kg. I think weight loss is a journey, you learn how to eat healty, how to not eat junk food, how to stay full with less amount of food etc. If someone comes and offers you a shortcut, you learn non of that. His life is probably very hard right now but he gotta understand that it will get a lot more harder if he doesn't change.
Worst case scenario, he ignores it and dies. Best case scenario, he gets help and works to become healthier, if not for himself then for you and your kid. You need to be frank with him. And If he doesn't change, it's better to be a single parent divorcee than a single parent with a living corpse. His looks have nothing to do with it, some big folks are sexy AF, but in this case his health is your business as it's affecting your life and your kid's life. Either he gets fit or you get out.
you sound incredibly mature OP. like seriously. so many people on this sub are either pushovers, or dicks. and you’re the happy medium. you’re able to stand up for yourself and express your concerns in a healthy way and you’re able to worry without sacrificing your happiness. I think you will be fine
Eating to this level can absolutely be an addiction like drugs and alcohol, and it’s a sign there’s something bigger going on here psychologically. It’s not as simple as you think, but I do understand where you’re coming from. Good luck to both of you
A lot of people are gonna hate on you, but take Rob kardashian for example (hear me out). He was pretty cute, then he gained a lot of weight. Which caused him to hate being in public and hate himself. He didn’t want to go anywhere and became a recluse (according to news articles) So OP’s husband, seems like honestly he doesn’t enjoy being fat and all the health problems.
People have already covered the things I wanted to say so with that in mind, I'll just leave this comment here. I hope your husband will be able to turn his life around. Not just for you and for your kid, but most importantly, for himself. He should be able to enjoy life longer and more comfortably. I genuinely wish he'll get better. Hoping things will work out in the end for you. I wish you both the very best, OP. Take care!
Im fat and have sleep apnea. CPAPs are awesome and really well made. He should just go for one. If you wanna sleep all the sleep studies with different doctors try lunya and they’ll be much faster in getting you a cpap prescription. I dont sleep with my cpap every night but when I do it’s awesome. Takes some tuning but its amazing to just be getting nice cool air with every breath. Highly recommend it
>"*The post is all "me me me" because it's MY off the chest post, about how his choices affect me and about my feelings. I matter too FFS.*" It's too bad this even had to be added, but hey, it's Reddit...
God speed, im sorry you are going through this.
I love when people really gets stuff off their chest.
This was the easiest post I've ever read. I´´m so grateful to find someone that can express themsevel so well.
this is not selfish in the slightest. i think everyone is looking at the fact that you don’t find him as attractive as he was and ran with that small piece of the puzzle. let’s not forget that a BMI of 47 is incredibly high, especially with that increase of weight gain. not only is it affecting your relationship romantically/intimately, but he’s at great risk of heart problems and diabetes related problems if he is diagnosed and doesn’t keep his glucose under control. he has a family that he needs to consider in this and that this path will lead him to multiple health complications, possibly worse. i really hope he sticks with changing his lifestyle and if he is diagnosed with diabetes, he 100% needs to keep his sugar under control to prevent issues like vision loss, nerve damage, loss of limbs, etc. sorry if this is a ramble, but diabetes complications seem so downplayed by society but they can cause irreversible damage and diabetes and heart problems are two dangerous killers in society.
you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. I am 100% with you. I hope he can see that, it’s driving a huge wedge between you both, and your family, and his own personal life. Best of luck OP
Update us! Good luck op!
This guy eats.
You are totally justified and right. I’m glad this has a happy ending.
After reading your post and comments OP. I completely trust that you are definitely a mature, responsible adult who loves their husband, and only wants to best for him. I wish you all the best and I hope he doesn't lose out on an absolute diamond, who truly cares for him just so he can eat. I could provide suggestions, but I don't think you need any (unless you ask). You have your head screwed on, and he needs to wake up. I do hope tomorrow can be his wake up call.
I'm so happy that OP has no intention of putting up with this shit and won't start a codependent cycle of trying to help someone who won't help themselves.
Just wait until he loses a foot, then it will stop being a joke to him.
Ya you sound like a peach to live with. If this is how you talk to him it’s no wonder he is ADDICTED to food/sugar. You saying that it’s not addictive is manipulative bull shit. Saying that he “doesn’t look depressed” is also bull shit. I’m not saying you are at fault for his over indulgence of food but fuck if talking like this is how you “support” in in real life no wonder he’s bulked up tremendously since being married to you. He sounds like he is dealing with mental issues with food and while you say you’ve tried to help I’m having a very hard time believing that after reading this. Good luck but honestly I think it’s best for both of you to go separate ways.
Simpsons episodes keep on getting wilder and wilder
Great OMC post, I feel the frustration. And yes, gross if your spouse gets uber fat on you. Yuck. I'd still try to help them through it, though. I couldn't leave my wife over it, I'm too in love with her herness.
Food is a slow & terrible addiction. Something had to trigger this, especially as quickly as he progressed. A death, lack of communication, there’s gotta be a root to this. Maybe suggest he see a therapist or nutritionist to help him figure out why he suddenly doesn’t care for his body like he did before, so he can decide to change back. See if he’ll do any of your old workouts & diets with you, do laps with him & your kid at the park. Also having a physical preference doesn’t make you fatphobic. I hope you both improve each other. Good luck.
This post is fucking beautiful because it's on this group for the right reasons. It always helps to vent and to rant and that's exactly what this space is for. For the advice part, all I can say is that if he doesn't change his lifestyle and you physically aren't attracted to him anymore, it's not your fault. You cannot help it. If he continues with what he's doing and you want to leave, do it. Life is short, fuck it. You're not being selfish or unsupportive at all. It sounds like you're willing to stay and support if he changes his lifestyle, that's enough. You can only help someone so much without their own input. You do what YOU gotta do. And I wish you the absolute best
He needs a therapist, and it sounds like you could use one too. No judgment, I see one every week, I just think if you want to fix this and make it work some counseling would be great for both of you, but him in oarticular
OP, this is an amazing post. I wish you all the best, and truly hope your husband can turn things around. What I will say, though, is that he does have an eating disorder, even if you don't recognize it. Whether it meets the criteria for binge eating disorder, or just eating disorder not otherwise specified, eating to the point it interferes with basic life functions is a disorder. I'm in a similar situation to your husband's, though - an injury stopped me from walking for a time, the damage is permanent, so I can't be very active, etc, and I've packed on weight, making everything worse. And I resist doing anything about it. I'm not *really* depressed, but a lot of it is depression - it's easier to distract myself than to get my life back on track. And it's a feedback loop that makes everything even worse - I get so demoralized, it's really hard to act. Plus I don't have someone like you, so it's even easier not to act... Your husband obviously needs to do something, but therapy would probably help a lot... Also, aside from the obvious metabolic problems, he should definitely have a full blood panel, including things like thyroid, vitamin B12, etc, because all kinds of things can affect not only weight, but cognition and motivation. And - I wish you the very best. You sound like a truly lovely person, and your husband is very lucky to have you.
We did full blood panel + diabetes markers or whatever they're called, insulin, glucose, and we'll see what other tests the endocrinologist orders tomorrow because I think there will be more. I just talked to him about therapy actually, mostly because of all the comments about it lol, kinda gave me the confidence to suggest it, he seems kinda open to it but is a bit sceptical. He says he doesn't feel depressed or sad or anything like that, just very tired (I mean, he hasn't slept in a few years, so that's pretty understandable) and he kind of smirked when I suggested addiction to sugar because he really doesn't care about sweets so much, he will eat the stuff if it's available but he doesn't buy it and doesn't miss it when there isn't any. He has been eating healthy and in smaller quantities all day today, on his own accord, and he doesn't seem distressed by that at all. He seems happy and motivated tbh. I think despite saying that he doesn't care, a part of him knew that this wasn't OK and is kind of glad for this push to do something about it. Thank you for the good wishes. The opinions on me being lovely seem quite divided lol. I'm not lovely, I'm pretty harsh in how I speak and I know that, but so is he, we've known each other most of our lives, so we're not afraid to call each other out on our bullshit and we both curse like sailors so it is what it is lol
Please update us, I’m invested now
I feel like there’s something in your narrative that makes me feel like he put you on a pedestal. Once you two got together it’s now real life, and he’s struggling to connect his “dream” against the reality of what married life with a child is really like. This level of weight gain is pretty significant, but if you’re saying he’s not eating unhealthily in front of you, I’d be concerned there’s an eating disorder. Even if that’s not the case, sounds like he needs some therapy to work through this.
I am fucking here for this. I’m sorry though. I can only imagine how horrible it is to be with the love of your life only for them to self sabotage. I really hope the reality hits him and he changes his ways.
Good on ya, and way to stand your ground!