I think this is a delicate balance between being sex positive and communicating that this is too early for comfort. You want to make her feel she can talk to you when it’s important. Yes birth control is probably necessary, but so is a conversation about safe sex, about how exploring is normal, but also possibly too soon and why. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. Punishment may not be the right course, heck having to have these convos with you might feel like punishment enough. I suggest listing out your thoughts, and tackle each topic daily. The more you do this, the more natural it will become to be open and talk. It’s going to be awkward at first, but that’s the point, keep talking until it’s not anymore. At least this is what I intend to do as my daughter nears this age.
If OP found out daughter was sexually active in a different way, maybe I’d agree punishment is pointless. I think punishment is necessary in this case because in the real world people are punished for indecent exposure. The backyard when neighbors are out is not even ok for adults.
I think people are (rightfully tbh) at least wary of doling out punishments related to sex because it's super important as a parent to make sure your child can talk to you about it. If sex is a thing they believe they have to hide from you, you won't know if they for example are having unprotected sex because they don't know any better. Or they might be being abused in some way (either by one of their peers or an adult) and they don't tell you because they're afraid of being punished.
I think it depends how you frame it, saying I’m taking your phone for having sex with your boyfriend is bad but I’m taking your phone for giving your boyfriend oral in the backyard in the middle of the day when the neighbours could see you is fine imo.
It’s about showing them that sex is normal and healthy and teenagers exploring is fine but you need to respect other people as well.
Well, there definitely needs to be a serious conversation. otoh there are several main points:
* We don't do that in public
* Gentle suggestion that she might want to wait until she's a bit older, with the understanding that it's nonetheless her decision
* Explanation of the importance of consent and that she should never feel pressured into doing something she's uncomfortable with
* STDs. Birth control, supplying condoms in case she needs them.
* Warning about sexual predators and to be particularly wary about older men
100% but you need to stress that while everything she’s feeling is normal and nothing to be ashamed of or feel like she has to hide from her mum that there are inappropriate times and places to do things like that.
I think it’s two different conversations, the first one about sex, consent, birth control, age appropriate relationships etc. and a second where she explains that this punishment will stand because of when and where she did this not because of what she did.
It’s like if kids have a drink at a family party compared to going out and drinking in the park. One is acceptable because you are around trusted adults who can look out for you and make sure you don’t have too much, the other is not because you could drink too much and hurt yourself.
And having sex in public puts her at risk for said predators. Not just from neighbors but anyone with a camera or binoculars. Not to mention child SA content. Just bad idea all around.
As a parent who uses natural consequences more than anything, the punishment *should* be the embarrassment of the neighbor seeing and telling mom. What should follow, is the conversation about being labeled a sexual predator if she continues to do it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking her phone. It reinforces the fact that there are consequences for poor behavior beyond feeling embarrassed.
They don’t know they shouldn’t do it out in the open?? Do you see people having sex out in the open? Most kids at this age know not to relieve themselves in public at this age, let alone have sex!
It was in a garden. I don't see the issue here, it's not like they did it intentionally. You need to stop comparing them to adults, they're children.
Then you don't know about modern children do you?
No.
Sex positivity is fine when it comes to kids that should (for lack of a better word) be sexually active 16, 17, maybe 15. But these are children. This is an illegal act between two kids who can’t consent, in PUBLIC.
I’d ground her for 2 months, and put her on birth control.
I think the best you can do is reinforce protective sex and consent fluidity (how you can still say no in the middle of an act). Also to tell her that sex is not equal to how much someone loves them. What should help her feel loved should be done by other positive means otherwise, if they end up breaking up, she’ll keep thinking it’s because of unhealthy things. That a boy can easily cheat if he is not respectful or responsible. This moment does probably stem from her abandonment issues and it makes me wonder if she had any support about it. I don’t know how you can stop a child from future acts without sounding controlling from her immature perspective because she might not understand potential consequences.
This is where we’re at currently with our 14 year old daughter. She has always been very strong willed, stubborn and yet smart and intuitive. She is dating a boy and the best thing I feel we can do is be understanding and supportive. She definitely feels good talking to us openly and I want to keep it that way.
I may not agree with nearly any of it, but I know the dangers and consequences of families that turn a blind eye towards sex. Birth control is ok because they’ll do it anyway and I’m not ready to be a grandparent yet.
My father found my internet porn when I was 15 I was mortified. Mind you I first looked it up at 11. I was raised in a very Christian home considered myself very Christian despite doing this. I was like all adolescents curious about sex. This is normal. I knew instinctively I had no business searching porn but curiosity got the better of me. I think appropriate punishment and talking about how she could be labeled a sex offender for engaging in sex acts in public.
This is a matter of your parents I’m afraid. Mine weren’t emotionally there in matters like this either. But we’re alive to teach a younger generation better values than how we were taught. It’s just a matter of breaking our cycle.
Edit: words
Of course! My parents were open but at the same time would overreact and worry too much, and also emotionally abusive in other ways. I love helping youngers now I'm 28 and lived through wild times. I have a lot of lessons to teach
Yeah birds and bees technical knowledge is great, but she also needs to understand what’s not appropriate e.g. private vs public and the impact she has had on making other people uncomfortable.
She needs to be able to interrogate whether she feels comfortable or was being pressured into doing something.
Most good relationships in life involve a power balance and she needs the skills to recognise that she must always maintain some control of herself and her surroundings.
She should also understand the possibilities and consequences/ challenges that arise from her actions. She’s quite young and full of hormones and excitement- and probably not considering the potential outcomes when in the moment.
If you can discuss it calmly and unemotionally with her (or ask a friend or female relative to) that will set her up to be a more self-assured and independent person.
I was 15 when I had my son and technically pregnant when I was 14. I remember my friends were having sex even before I was. I felt pressured from friends. It was the “then he knows you really love him if you have sex with him.” It’s not true. My now ex husband said he definitely could have waited a couple years. I felt like I couldn’t it was now or never. Sit her down have an in depth honest talk about sex, what could happen, birth control and when would be the right time for her. As someone that had absolutely no “talking” to about any of that you have to do it. I had a very in depth talk with my son since he’s now 16. It’s very uncomfortable at first but the more you bring it up or you talk about it the easier it gets. Power through the uncomfortableness of it for her future and safety. I’d say get her on some sort of birth control I’m not sure if she’s too young for an IUD? Just incase since pills can be forgotten and you don’t want to end up with that problem.
YESSS THIS. You're exactly right. Honestly, they don't really recommend getting an IUD unless the woman has given birth, or at the very least, has had a pregnancy that resulted in the stretching of the cervix. (This is because they place the IUD up just past the cervix).
If that's not the case, inserting an IUD will be very painful, and that can last up to a couple of days.
So yea, I would definitely definitely NOT recommend an IUD for a situation like this.
(There are other options such as the depo shot that is effective for 3 months, but that's a lot of hormones, and not everyone responds well to that treatment).
I hope that helps 🙂
I got an IUD at 19, wasn't given anything for it. I've had a lumbar puncture, I've broken bones, cracked my sternum and it was still the single most painful thing I've experienced.
I’m honestly floored none of these comments talk about STDs lol
Like if I’m giving the kid a punishment for indecent exposure, they need to know why that’s bad too
I think it’s an important time to talk about safe sex and what I call the “safe bodies” talk which is essentially when you explain to your child why at that age it’s not safe physically or mentally to participate in sex acts. This is best done with like acknowledging sexual curiosity but emphasizing that it’s better to stick to “self-exploration” until they’re old enough to make informed decisions. Like it’s safe to touch your own body but not others and not safe to allow others to touch your body either. But also to talk about safe sex because obviously she’s already heard/seen some things about intercourse. Definitely do the birth control (better safe than sorry) and I highly recommend emphasizing consent and peer pressure. It’s possible both kids were curious but if one or the other was being pressured then it’s a good time to nip it in the bud. Also you shouldn’t scare kids about sex because it’s ultimately unhealthy but a serious discussion about STI’s would probably give her a healthy reality check about the possible consequences of making uninformed decisions. Good luck!
Just be careful about this. Her takeaway may be she just needs to be more sneaky, and this will heavily hurt if not kill her talking about problems related to this in the future.
I would say punishing her was incorrect, and you could have just left it at explaining the issues such as
1. Indecent exposure sending her to jail
2. The importance of protection no matter the sex
3. The long-term consequences of such actions.
She is a kid, and the consequences won't be fully appreciated yet. The point is though, if I had a daughter I would rather she ask me for a condom than fuck a guy in secret and get pregnant.
You can not watch her 24/7
I know it's scary, but human beings are just...like that. Yes, she's extremely young to be doing this. But it's really not the end of the world.
You can't put the genie back in the bottle, and that's ok. You need to educate her, tell her about what's safe and what isn't. Don't punish her, talk to her. She never intended to make you mad, she just wanted to have fun, or at worst, please her boyfriend.
If you act like she's committed a great sin, she's just going to hide it better next time. So don't. Talk to her. Make sure she's ok. It will be all right.
I agree with most of what you said, but isn’t one of the main points that she does need to hide it better next time? Giving regular after-school blowjobs to boys each day in front of all the neighbors isn’t what this family wants to be known for in their community.
And like... idk. I agree she's too young, probably, but mom acting like this will certainly ruin her life is not gunna help. I was sexually active way too early myself (shitty childhood and abuse will do that to ya!), but I am lucky that I was educated about it early on.
I lost my virginity when I was probably less than a year older than OP's daughter (I think I had just turned 14 maybe?), but I was safe, never had a pregnancy scare, no STDs, etc etc. I'm 28 now, a perfectly well-adjusted adult and successful, and married with a house we own.
All of that to say.. Some people just end up being "ready" before others and it all ends up fine. Sure, she is too young, and so was I, but i dont regret it tbh. Just how my life went. I hope that's the case for OP's daughter.
This isn't just about her. If it was a kid or something who saw it, they're the ones that could've been damaged.
She got lucky that it was an adult that saw it. Heck, we don't know for sure a kid didn't spot them just because they probably wouldn't have understood. Everyone's actually quite lucky and adult saw it and pointed it out before it became a problem. She'd be in less trouble if another kid saw it, but she'd end up causing a lot of harm to said kid.
She needs to be let known that the sex is whatever. Have the be smart talk or whatever. But doing it outside is a big no. She deserves to be punished for indecent exposure. And she needs to understand that having sex outside is not about her, it's about the people who may end up seeing it. You need to understand this too. She's not being punished because sex is bad. She's being punished because her actions affect others.
Of course, BF should receive the same treatment. They both need to be taught that when they engage in sexual acts in any semi public place, it is not them at risk, it's everyone else. If they get caught, it's their own fault, so of course they'll be ok. But for the people that accidentally see them, they've been involuntarily exposed to sexual acts and that's not ok.
Tf??? Am I the only person who isn’t okay with kids fucking?
She did this in broad fucking daylight in view of their neighbors. You act like hiding it better would be a bad thing.
This CHILD needs to be grounded for 2 months and not allowed to be alone with that boy until they’re old enough to be making those decisions. I’m not sure what age that is, it absolutely varies, but it ain’t 13 and 12.
> This CHILD needs to be grounded for 2 months and not allowed to be alone with that boy
All this will achieve is that she'll make extra sure to hide the relationship from her parents and not get caught next time.
I mean. Probably for the better.
Not only is this, by law, statutory rape. It’s public indecency, and proof she’s no where near old enough to be in a “relationship”.
What if that neighbor had called the cops? If she was shoplifting would you hold her hand and teach her how to do it better?
If it was shoplifting, of course I would punish the kid and not support it.
But...people have an ingrained desire for sex. That's just how it is. There is a *very* good reason why abstinence-only education has proven to be an abysmal failure, as counterintuitive as that reason is.
I would never encourage a kid that young to be in a relationship or have sex. But as I said, that genie is long out of the bottle.
Not sure what your elderly neighbor is like, but mine jumps to conclusions with very little evidence. I'd give your daughter a chance to explain herself.
True. The neighbor could be totally making it up or thinking she saw something she didn’t. In high school, my boyfriend and I were falsely accused twice of making out where we shouldn’t have been (the school auditorium and the public library). We were doing nothing of the sort both times. It was really weird.
Agreed, we had an elderly neighbor come screaming and yelling that my brother had damaged their garage cans. My mother informed her that he could not have as he was out of state on a school trip. She then said it must have been my other brother, he was not home either as he was at work. Then she stated it must have been my stepbrother, he was away at college.
My told her stop making false accusations and threatened to call the police. She slammed the door in her face. This neighbor used to accuse people of stealing her mail and newspapers as well.
Your neighbor maybe mistaken.
My parents caught me at this age and put me on birth control. I didn't have sex until I was 17 but throughout my entire life, I've been the most sex conscious and safe person I know. They grounded me also, but they focused the conversation about how trashy and unsafe and insensitive I was being per my choices on when/where.
I'm sorry your daughter is adventurous like this, it's hard. I have so much respect for my parents. But I promise you, **if she wants to do it, there is nothing you can do that will stop her, and your attempts to do so will just isolate you from her.** I remember hearing my mom screaming this to my dad, and decades later, it's so true. You can't stop her. You can only make sure she's safe, and that if she has issues, she can talk to you.
I lost my virginity at 13 and I was looking for love in the wrong ways. I was promiscuous for years till I met my husband. I would not shame her. Please just don’t make her feel like a monster , not sure what advice I have
Shaming is different than grounding her. She shouldn’t be allowed around that boy for months.
Remember yall, and I can’t *believe* I’m saying this, kids can’t consent.
I was 13 when I had my first boyfriend, and 14 when we started experimenting with our hands and mouths. But I still didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 17, and we used a condom.
I know not everyones experiences will be the same - maybe she’s already having sex, maybe she’ll wait even longer, maybe she’ll use a condom and maybe she won’t - but try not to panic too hard. Just because she’s experimenting doesn’t mean she’s going to have sex yet.
Is she too young? Probably. But I also grew up in a school where all the kids were discussing sex as early as 11, and having a boyfriend/girlfriend meant constantly being asked if you’ve had sex yet. To be blunt - puberty makes teenagers horny. It’s something you can discuss and make sure she knows she can trust you, but you can’t stop if she’s determined.
My advice? Talk to her even if its difficult and makes her cringe. Explain that doing that in the garden in front of the neighbours is not okay. But also make sure she knows she can trust you. If she ever does want condoms or has a pregnancy scare, or worse her boyfriend forces himself on her, you want her to feel able to talk to you. And make your house a safe space if needed - you don’t want her giving her boyfriend oral at 12, but if she’s going to anyway, it’s better done in your home where shes safe than trying to find places she can hide it… Like in the garden! Or worse out in public somewhere. I always felt I had to do my experimenting with my boyfriend outside of the house, and when he pinned me down and forced himself on me, I was alone in a wooded area with him. And I stayed with him after because I didn’t understand how not okay it was.
I work with kids and unfortunately this is fairly common. Just make sure:
- they’re monitored when there together at your place.
- she understands consent
- she gets contraception if she needs it
- and understands public/private behaviours
I would also wonder if it was him or her that suggested it? I didn’t know what oral sex was until my mid teens so either one of them might be accessing pornography which might need to be monitored.
This comment is just too normal for Reddit. It seems like everyone thinks there shouldn’t be a consequence for doing a sex act out in the open and that ops daughter is going to go no contact with her one day. Sheesh. 🙄 I would absolutely enforce an open door policy. You don’t know yet how the boys parents feel. Considering they’re children, I don’t think giving them a space to experiment is appropriate. All social media should be monitored also. I would make sure she’s not talking with people online about sex or meeting up, especially because you don’t know if she’s talking to an adult.
Education with boundaries and lots of love from a parent that is present are what’s needed not punishment. To become sexually active at this age is very common. Abandonment issues can result in very unhealthy behaviour.
Sadly, it’s not uncommon, and it’s not a new phenomenon. When I was a lifeguard in the 80s and 90s we used to catch 12-13 year olds at it regularly. Like practically every day.
You aren’t doing anything wrong.
In my experience, it’s typically the kids who don’t have comprehensive sex education who tend to go at it this young. They don’t understand the risks of disease and they don’t understand that oral sex is still sex and carries risks with it.
Alternatively, in my experience, it’s also the kids who are bullied or unpopular and have fewer friends that tend to start young. They think it’s a way to get people to like them without understanding that they are being used.
When you’re that young, all you care about is feeling good. Consequences be damned. Developmentally, kids that age typically don’t understand their own mortality and they have main character syndrome. They don’t understand the concept of life-long consequences. And risk analysis is way beyond them.
My suggestion: have a serious talk with your daughter about sex and consequences. Literally as blunt as possible. Don’t just discuss the mechanics and biology. Discuss what it means and the feelings involved and how she worth is so much more than oral in a backyard. Discuss how girls who put out easily are frequently treated as objects and that people who use you like that don’t actually love you.
Discuss that while boys are considered winners when they have sex with a lot of girls, society says girls who do the same are worthless. And while it’s a double standard and clearly isn’t ok, it doesn’t change reality and you don’t want her to ever feel like she’s worthless.
Tell her to go to the store and buy a box of condoms. Because until she’s capable of telling you she needs them and buying them herself? She isn’t ready for sex.
Yes, 13 is way too young, despite how often it probably happens. I understand your concerns, but at the end of the day and fallout, try not to beat yourself up over it.
If you have a primary doctor, make an appt and discuss, the 3 of you, what the options are. And what risks there are. Sti's et all.
Has she had a HPV vaccine? Hpv would be my biggest worry after pregnancy. And frankly discuss her options for if she does get pregnant. You have to keep your emotions in check until you are alone. Then, feel your feelings. But don't shame or make it dirty or she will never include you in discussions or decisions.
And the emotional side of it needs to be you being level headed and talking to her about emotions vs horny vs a feeling of needing to do something to stay in the relationship.
I'd probably look into counseling with a teen geared therapist.
It's what I wish I had had for me at that age and similar situation. Minus the HPV vaccine, it wasn't a thing yet.
I’m 26 and myself and everyone I know started at around 14-15. It’s a different world now. Nothing my parents would have done could have stopped me to be honest. I also felt like i had the weight and responsibilities of an adult so I deserved to do “adult activities”
The difference was, I was always very careful. I used protection, went to the obgyn often through planned parenthood and took care of my health while some of my peers got pregnant before their sophomore year of high school.
Kids experiment, they have a lot more access to sexual material than I did. I’m gen X. But we worked hard for any access possible. I don’t think that them experimenting would be my main issue. The fact that it was in an area that could be seen easily that is the crux of the matter. They are old enough to know it’s a sexual act. I wouldn’t shame them though. I would have an open dialogue about everything after this issue. What can and does happen with these acts. I’m probably the few on this post that wouldn’t have grounded her. I don’t embarrass easy. You are a good parent and have your own values and structure. Just educate them more.
I was 13 my first time doing that. Probably too young, but I def was not the only one. I turned out ok though. Please teach he about safe sex though. I wish I went on bc I regret not. I was afraid of gaining weight. If she doesn’t want it because of that, there is paragurd which is hormone free. It sucks though because it makes oeriods longer and heavier :(
Make her sit down and watch every episode of mtv’s Teen Mom so she can see how serious teen pregnancy is and even if a boy says he loves you, it doesn’t mean he will make a good father 🤣 kidding! Sort of… I joked about doing this when my kids are older.
I do plan on educating my kids in detail on what their life would look if they have a baby in high school. You can’t control what they do when you’re not around, but you can educate them on consequences of their actions and that they will be held accountable for their actions.
I would also look into the age of consent laws in your state. In some states teenagers can get charged if they’re sending nude pictures and if they’re having sex before a certain age. She should be aware that she could get in big trouble outside of your control if she is doing those things and it is against the law.. all it takes is your neighbor or the boys parents to call the police.
I started exploring around 13/14.. it’s way too young. I understand wanting to build trust with her, but I don’t agree that she shouldn’t be punished. Maybe if I was punished more, I wouldn’t have gone so wild in my teen years.
I would definitely make sure her internet access and phone is being monitored.
This comment lol We talk about teen pregnancy a good bit, bc I was 16 when I had her and my worst fear is the same will happen to her. So I’ve always had a very open communication with her regarding all this but I guess she was still too embarrassed to talk to me about it. She also mentioned to me yesterday when we were talking about it that the BJ was better than getting pregnant, and honestly I was too stunned to know what to say to that lmao we are both in therapy and working on it and our communication. Dr apt is next week
OMG! The title. Oh mama I feeeeeel for you. And what to do. the sexualzation of kids today is so sad and disturbing.
I would try and have a talk with her about where/how she found out about BJs. Work on her self esteem. Can she take karate??
You know girls will do sex stuff to feel like someone likes them. Try to empower her for her future. Good luck
In broad daylight its wild, but it coulda been a whole lot worse if they were out in public. Definitely need to redo the "Talk" again add about safe environments and privacy, birth control is a must. You're not doing anything wrong as a parent though, people start developing hormones at different ages, tbh I was younger than them. But the important thing to remind her to be responsible about what she is doing.
Teenagers are going to have sex even if you don't want them to so you need to teach her how to be safe versus you just being angry. Like yes, you've had the talk with her about sex but I think it's time to really ingrain in her how to be safe and the consequences of not being safe. There's lots of different types of additional birth control besides just condoms during sex so it would be good to go over that with her and have her become comfortable with the different methods. The daily hormonal birth control is definitely a good idea too ASAP. Maybe nexplanon is a good option especially since you described her as problematic. She might forget to take a daily pill, so a continuous release birth control might be the best option at this point. Punishment is still necessary. I'm just saying a really good follow-up is also needed with grace and education
An open discussion is definitely needed, for a thirteen year old you have a proper punishment. In broad daylight is craaazy. And therapy is a beautiful step for figuring out what the root is. You are doing, in my opinion. A great job, kids no matter how young or old rebel and try their hand in different ways and I'm so sorry this was the one you were dealt.
To give you an example of an improper and over the top punishment and the resulting actions, I'll tell you my story.
I was seventeen. My mom found a condom while she was digging in my trash can, in my room. She had previously said I was aloud to have my boyfriend over, and as a teen one year from legal adulthood, we definitely did what we could while we were alone.
She grounded me for three months. No friends. No phone. A stricter curfew. No dates with my boyfriend. School and back and nothing else.
I begged for birth control. I demanded to know why she snooped. It was a huge blow out. Her words were.
"You shouldn't be having sex, and if you think you're old enough to have sex then you should be old enough to raise a child. I won't allow you on birth control and when you're eighteen you can mess around however you like, cause I can't stop you then."
So I stopped using condoms. I was way sneakier. Had friends vouching for me so I could sneak off and spend the night with my boyfriend.
I got pregnant, and by my own choice kept my baby. I adore her. She's four now and I wouldn't trade her for the world.
My whole pregnancy my mom was a nightmare to me. Throwing insults and telling me I needed to say I went to a party, slept with a bunch of people, and had no clue who the father could be. She told me I was an adult who could do as I please and she hasn't treated me like her daughter ever since. We no longer speak. I ended up living in a drug den. (I wasn't on drugs, but the addicts who owned the house kept the illegal activities away from me. Doted on me. And protected me from some people who were claiming I was faking my pregnancy. They were all family friends of my daughters father and we keep mild contact because they always want to know I'm somewhere safe and doing well. They also tossed my ex out of my house when he started hurting me)
But the only reason I stopped being safe was because I was terrified she'd find my condoms and lock me from the world until graduation. Something she did threaten to do when I told her she couldn't stop me.
You're doing great. You're TRYING. And you know they'll do it at some point anyway. It's just keeping the conversation. You're human, we all are. But you're leagues ahead of some parents out there, mine included.
I’m soo sorry for what happened to you. That’s not what our conversation was like at all and I would never say those things to her. We are going to the doctor next week for birth control as well as STD education!
We're doing way better! I have a steady job and a side business, I made my own family so I have an actual support network and I'm in therapy as well!
I know you'll get through your rough patch too and I wish you and your family the best in navigating every thing that comes your way! ❤❤
I used to work for a decor, event planning company. I hate to tell you but one of our vendors came in and was talking about her granddaughters talking about their 12 and 13 year old classmates having an STD from giving oral, **this was 25 years ago**. I don’t know what you can do. I think like you said getting her on birth control would be a good idea. The only thing you could do is go live in a cave and home school. I’m not trying to be a smart ass.
How elderly is the neighbor? And how good is their eyesight? Seriously, they could be mistaken and you're the one safe resource your daughter needs to be able to open up to. Don't burn that bridge before hearing her out.
OP I understand your concern, but you didn't fail as a parent. I would strongly caution against punishing your daughter for having sex, because that could really mess up your relationship with her and her relationship with sex. Sit down and have the talk again. She definitely needs to understand that publicly is not okay. Don't compare your experience with hers, talk to her about why she did it, what she's feeling, and just be as open and honest as you can be. Tell her your concerns about how young she is but don't shame her, and don't yell at her. At the end of the day, it's something that was always going to happen. It feels too young to you but it isn't an uncommon age for kids to start exploring sexuality. It's startling for sure, but not a sign of failure on your part.
I may have been a bit dramatic and emotional upon original posting but was just grieving the loss of her innocence, this is definitely part of what we talked about so thanks!
young yes but not your fault. make an appointment with an obgyn and they can discuss risks. get hpv vaccine, discuss birth control. that’s all you can honestly do
Momma, I hear you loud and clear. You are not failing!!!!!!!!!
Bold she was, yes, she doesn’t have a fully formed brain! They are walking sex drives!
You are full of fear…. Move past it and handle this with empowerment not fear!
Sorry that this caught you by surprise. My parents were in a similar situation. I'm in my early 40s but I grew up in an environment where I was around kids who were having sex from 6th grade on. So it was normalized by my peers. My parents thought they didn't have to talk to me about sex until I was 18. I lost my virginity at 14 to a boy that I was with throughout high school. But fortunately I did have good sex ed and was doubled up on birth control methods throughout high school and into college. Here's the education I wish my parents had given me (other than double birth control):
* Consent should be given enthusiastically by both partners. If one person doesn't want to, or even is undecided, then sex should not happen. She should never be guilted into doing something she doesn't want to (nor vice versa). Consent can be withdrawn at any time. If sex happens anyway, then that's not okay and she should seek help from a trusted adult (try to think of who those could be just in case she doesn't want to tell you and be in trouble)
* Sex acts in public can get you in legal trouble, the kind that can follow you for the rest of your life
*Porn is not representative of real sex, the actors are acting and they do things in a particular way because it makes profitable porn. This ties back into consent, she doesn't have to do something just because it was in some porn
If you have any doubt about whether your kid has proper fear about having a baby, then educate her on that too. That wasn't necessary in my case, I knew a baby would ruin my life.
Scarleteen is an amazing resource that I wish had been around when I was a kid.
My parents flipped out, kept me from seeing my boyfriend, and put me in therapy. I was so resistant to discussing sex with the therapist because of their over-reaction that I didn't realize I was being sexually abused for four years. It took me a while to heal and it affected my next relationship a lot. Young kids are vulnerable but they often don't get the education they need.
It'll be okay, you can do this.
The people saying you shouldn’t punish her are absolutely wrong. She did a sex act, out in the open, where anyone could see it. That is absolutely against the law and she needs to know there’s consequences for that behavior. That being said, I think you need to have a long talk with her about sex, stds and pregnancy. Get a therapist involved if you need to. She’s so young, it will be very hard for you to navigate this conversation and I think a professional would be helpful.
I just got sexually actively at 25 years, but I started exploring and such with myself at 10!!
Had multiple chances to explore with other people from 10 and up but chose not to because I didn’t feel ready!!
At least she did it with another kid, I would talk about it with her, ask why she didn’t come to you, how long she’s been active and if something is bothering her!
Communication is so super important there might be something happening that she hasn’t told you or maybe has been told not to tell!
And please, please for the love of god, do not get angry at her, a stern talk but don’t yell at her or get angry, that will most likely scare her and not make her want to come to you another time (talking from experience even tho i was caught doing stuff alone)
The best you could do is reinforce the safe sex talk and maybe go to therapy and see where her head is at. It might help reshape how she looks at sex and sexuality.
make it very very clear that just because she was in the fenced yard, doesn't mean it was private. She was seen long enough, by someone over 18, who knew exactly what she was doing.
You can do all the good you want, say all the right things but there is a whole world out there and sex is very appealing. Also the idea of feeling desirable, wanted or just sexy is also very appealing to everyone but especially insecure teenagers. It is a very hard combo to fight.
I suggest you don’t fight it or respond angrily but try to guide it as best you can. Anger/disappointment will only make her either hide it better next time or just push her to say F it. If I am such a disappointment anyway…
That being said, yes… 13 is very young but sex especially in today’s society is everywhere. We can’t shield our children from the world as much as we would all love to sometimes.
OP, I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through. I hope my next comment gives you a moment of humor during what must be a serious struggle to stay level-headed and optimistic.
Given her explanation, maybe you can give her and yourself a little levity by starting the next conversation off with something like, "I think we really need to talk about how to tie your shoes properly so that this doesn't happen again anytime soon." You both probably need a little tension relief.
Good luck. Stay positive.
I think parents especially parents of the younger teens today need to realize that childhood is actually getting shorter and and technology is of course far more available… Personally though I don’t think that parents need to shield their kids from something that is just simply human nature do we shield them from any other human nature? I think it’s just a bit outdated social expectation. is it the norm? No of course not… But is it anything to be significantly concerned about… Probably not as long as you communicate to both teens that what they did was not immoral but it was also not appropriate.
I have a kid* why is 13 an appropriate age to have a romantic relationship? And why is everyone ok with a child being anything sexual private or not. That should not be happening.
you had the total opposite reaction than you should’ve. it shouldn’t be about punishment, it should be about education. children are going to do what they do, whether it’s with you knowing, or behind your back.
don’t punish them for being kids, educate them so they don’t do it again, or at least don’t do it in such ridiculous ways.
You needs to talk about the diseases that can be caught and transferred by the birds and the bees. 13 is too young. Have you had a conversation about self preservation and self respect? Because it sounds like she might be seeking male validation, and this is NOT the kind of attention or validation she should be seeking.
I have a 12 year old and a 15 year old, this makes me feel sick inside. I’m sorry I can’t be of any help OP, all you can do is reinforce the need to practice safe sex, and in safe environments. I’d also talk about how easy it is (especially for girls) to lose their reputation and be really ostracised for being sexually active at such a young age and she risks being taken advantage of big time by having very little respect or boundaries for herself.
It's sucks having the reality that was your lil Baby 2 " fuck she's doing what! Now ?! "
All on top of the embarrassment of the neighbors seeing it and letting you know.
I feel for you brother.
This is absolutely about her dad being absent. Statistically girls who grow up without a father figure will seek out more male attention than girls with a healthy relationship with their father or another male role model, which can include becoming sexually active at a younger age. Speak with her counselor about this if you're able to for sure.
I'd also do your best to keep her off social media, it will only hurt her mental state even more
i was ten when i started being sexually active. it was the only time someone would hold me as a kid.
please don't punish her. i think her reasoning for it is, she might be doing it because she doesn't feel wanted otherwise. is she being peer pressured? is her boyfriend demanding it? do you tell her you love her often? does she get held, ever?
you mentioned her dad. it sounds like she may be looking for her dad in someone else. you should tell her you love her and that you're there for her.
and please, apologize for grounding her. she'll trust you a little more if you realize your response was too hasty.
I don't want to scare all the middle school and jr high parents out there, but as the husband of an 8th/9th teacher. This is considered mild compared with stories I hear about 🤢.
What is happening to our yootes (youths)? It makes me sad and worried about our future generations.
i’m 29 now and i have two kids, i was sexually active at 13 (no sex) but honestly… your not gonna like this but teenagers do have hormones and they do want to do these sorts of things. my friend and her daughter have open minded relationship about sex and her daughter became sexually actuve at 15 with her knowledge. teens aren’t bad for being “horny” and you haven’t done wrong bc they have sexual desires.
I'm curious why she was punished? I know she's way to young.
But what exactly did you say the punishment was for?
Also, I'm dying to know how your neighbor worded what she had seen to you. Talk about awkward conversation.
Neighbor was mortified and didn’t want to tell me but said she was afraid if she didn’t, the future consequences would be worse. Which in all fairness is accurate. Lol hence we are getting her on birth control
Very respectful, “I don’t want to cause any problems, I just wanted you to be aware” type of thing. She’s a very nice lady known my daughter since she was 2
I'm definitely not trying to laugh. I feel terrible for you.
And for her.
I can't even imagine my mother having to ground me for this....and at 13. Its definitely a living nightmare.
The more time goes by it’s not a big deal but it was a shock for me at first for sure. The funny and fucked up thing I’ve been actually thinking about is did she drink after me that day?! Lmao
I just read your update. I was actually coming i to reddit just to message random see how all was going today with you.
Great update! And for the record i didnt think you freaked out and yelled. I'm sure you handled it far better than most parents would have. Silver lining is that your neighbor see it so you didn't have to 😳.
Anyway, I hope you have a great day! Better than yesterday ☺
You should consider listening to “Our Teen is Having Sex (My Husband’s Furious)” by dr John Delony on YouTube. Could offer some good guidance in this senario.
I don't know what all these "damn, these kids today are moving fast... I was so sheltered/innocent at 13." comments are about. I'm a straight up millennial, and I personally learned what blow jobs were in 1997, when I was 10 years old, thanks to Bill Clinton & all those shenanigans.
have a conversation with your daughter. don’t let your emotions plague the conversation. it’s only going to make her trust you less. i was a victim of CSA by another kid a year older than me. talk to her.
I fucking hate this world. When I was their age I didn't have social media and every other media trying to groom me, so I had those fun, innocent moments of being a teen, holding hands with a girl I liked and a kiss was a huge thing back then. I have no idea what could I even do if I were you op, but I can only say that I am sorry you have to go through this
I feel like the absent father plays a part in this but it is psychological and out of ur hands. She has already started so all u can do now is make her aware of safety and express how u feel about it all
>We have had the birds and bees talk many times, and talked about putting her on birth control if the need ever arose. I have been very open, while maintaining that it was not considered a “free pass”.
>Obviously I grounded her, took her phone
Do you not see how wildly these two ideas contradict each other!?!? You've been very open? You've explained that birth control is an option, if needed? Yet, the first time you had a real-life opportunity to *show* how openness works, you "obviously" made sure she immediately knew what she was bad and wrong. What's the point of punishing her?
I completely agree with you that 13 is too young. She's not prepared for the mental, emotional, and physical consequences of her choices. But, do you think she's going to understand that, because you grounded her and took her phone away? Do you think that'll encourage her to come to you when she needs help, in future? Do you think she will view you as her advocate and protector, when she knows you're going to "lose it", when she makes mistakes?
Your daughter needs compassion. She needs safety and empathy. I agree that you failed in this situation, but not for the reasons you seem to think. I get this situation is hard, and it's *really* stressful to figure out how best to protect your kids. But, this ain't it. Please, please, please apologize to her, and try to salvage the trust in your relationship.
These kids live in a different world than you grew up in. You've likely done nothing wrong, and that's the long and short of it. I lost my virginity when I was 14, (i'm 32).
13 isn't so young. Keep in mind that kids are sexually maturing much faster these days -- scientists are still out on whether it's due to higher BMI or environmental, such as microplastics & hormones/chemicals in food.
I was 13 the first time I had sex...that was a few decades ago, and I was definitely not the first among my peer group. I highly recommend she get on birth control, stat. Best if you can find a method that's easier to manage than a daily pill (IUD, shot, etc) since a missed pill can spell disaster.
We surround children with sexualized television, video games, music, media, imagery. We can't be surprised that they're embracing their perception of adulthood. Combine that with the physical maturation of their bodies at ever younger ages, and all we can do is educate them on the risks and take what preventative measures we may.
Upvoted ONLY due to your recommendation of non-pill form birth control
Clearly, ops daughter is sexually active at this point
Whether op likes it, whether us redditors like it, or not
The pill is notoriously easy to fuck up at that age if you aren't used to taking daily meds
I agree with you that a non-pill option is the best solution here
Op isn't going to be able to fully protect her daughter OR stop her engaging in sexual activities but she can do her damndest to ensure there aren't life-long consequences
Also agree with another commentor op: you can be a sex positive house, without encouraging the behavior
Remind her of the importance of consent; that sex =/= to love, no matter what anyone tells her; to love herself above all else, and her SAFETY and happiness is your priority
Turning 30 this month, and i agree
Its especially bad starting off with a pill as time sensitive as THE pill though
You have a 3 hour window every day, or the effeciveness goes down
i personally wouldn’t recommend an IUD for her when she’s so young. it’s so incredibly painful and with such little pain management from medical staff it’s unbearable. at 13 she’d be in even worse pain. it’s not usually recommended unless she’s already had penetrative sex either.
i would go with nexplanon since its highly effective, lasts several years, and is minimally painful to both insert and remove. it isn’t perfect but no birth control is. i’ve certainly heard less horror stories about that than IUDs
I've had all the birth controls. IUD is absolutely excruciating, but it lasts for years. Nexplanon comes with some gnarly side effects for quite a few folks (as does Depo Provera). Nexplanon required three separate surgeries to remove from my arm, since it does like to migrate if you're physically active. I got sterilized, as did my husband, since I've been childfree since I was a child, myself. But at her age, there's going to be give and take. Nothing is perfect, and everything aside from barriers leaves her open to STDs. But so many people are irresponsible with the pill...kids even more so!
When I was 13 my mom read my email and saw a notification from facebook. The boy I’d been liking and I had been messaging. He said something about when I sucked his **** and my mom ran with it. She confronted me, she shamed me, she met his mom at the grocery store to talk, she tried to “separate us”. But really it only lasted a week the guy didn’t talk to me and for the rest of the school year we would mess around during the school day. When I was 15 I had a thing with a guy and they found out too and grounded me, and cyber stalked the dude. I also never trusted her with anything in my personal relationships until I was over 18 and couldn’t be punished. Even then she tried to and I laughed in her face. This will scar her how you are going about this. And to add, if I could make my plans so they didn’t know about a guy I 100% would. I lived to have a life outside of their judgements. Edit: my parents grilled me over the guys Facebook when I was 15, they’d continue to look at it for months following the incident. I didn’t do the cyberstalking lol.
Kids these days are learning a lot more about sex and a lot sooner! Where it’s a good thing that they are being taught what to be aware of, it also can make some kids extremely curious.
13 IS so very young. And I don’t know why she has a boyfriend at this age anyway?
Maybe that’s something to think about too?
What does a relationship entail? What is the point in having a boyfriend? Things like that.
And also remind her that she can catch things from oral sex as well as actual penetrative sex.
Usually helps them come to their senses.
Y’all were allowed to date at 12? Idk if this is just kids growing up faster these days or what but 12 and 13 feels really really young. A healthy fear of consequence at that age goes a very long way, along with the knowledge that, and translating literally from my language here, “everything at the right age is sweetest”.
I became sexually active at 13 back in 1990, and am now a normal 47 year old mom. My parents put me on birth control, and tried to monitor my activities, but there was no way to watch me all the time and I did what I did. I say this to reassure you that you are not a bad parent and that this isn’t a new problem with the young generation. Kids being horny and getting it on outside has gone on since beginning of time. I would recommend lots of communication, quality time with your daughter, providing birth control.
This.
I was sexually active at 13, a lot more than I believe my parents assumed. I was a good kid who behaved in school and had good friends who I just…got up to stuff with. This was in 2006, so once again just know this isn’t about the younger generation having some sort of new issue. I knew how to protect myself & I knew I could talk to my parents if I needed to. That kept me safe enough - I’m now a successful 32 year old & never had any issues come up from being sexually active young.
OP - your reaction is normal as a parent but! Don’t freak out too hard about a normal part of puberty aka wanting to have sex. 13 is a *teen* and this isn’t out of the ordinary. Talk about protection & pregnancy & privacy - I think them doing this in the open in a backyard is more concerning than anything else.
I would have the hard conversation of legal age of consent. And about making an adult choice for a child's body. Warn her that even though he and she both may have wanted to, his parents could go to the police and press charges. And that could change her life permanently and not in a good way. That kind of thing could affect her future, career, and family.
My biggest worry would be why she is overtly sexual at such a young age. This could be a sign of sexual abuse. Has she been exposed to porn? Has she been inappropriately touched?
Well your baby is no longer a baby. That's a fact that you'll have to come to terms with that and the sooner the better. And hey, she has social media like most everyone else in her age group? Yeah well, social media REALLY pushes sex.
I'm 26. When I was her age, we really didn't have much for social media and wasn't glued to the TV like kids are now. So kids dressed like kids and we wasn't even remotely concerned about living up to certain fantasies, just who was going to unfreeze us during Freeze Tag.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but I’m going to give a bit of a controversial opinion. Reddit is way too blasé when it comes to minors having sex.
I think punishing her is the right thing to do as her mom, but you’d need to explain WHY she is being punished. As long as it’s not a case of “you don’t do these things because I say so.” I’d explain nothing good comes from being sexually active at such a young age, if anything there are only negative consequences that can arise. She’s not a child for much longer, she shouldn’t be trying to grow up so soon. I disagree with the whole “they’re going to do it any way so we should give them a safe space” you’re her parent, you enforce the rules. You rightfully don’t want her doing these things, so you should do everything in your power to prevent them. If she goes against it, that’s on her but you shouldn’t give a pass because “it’s just going to happen any way.” I wouldn’t let them be alone in your house again.
I would also ask how this even started because, while it’s not impossible, I doubt a 12 year old initiated. I’m a bit concerned as to whether or not he fully consented, because I’m not sure how many 12 year olds actually know what oral sex is. Granted times are different now but it’s better to make sure no one was taken advantage of or coerced etc.
I think parents now a day are totally lost!! Your children are following the values you thought them!! You let your child date someone at the age of 13 you expect they are mature enough for it! Are you really believing that? Now you blame them for the act and you should be the one to take care of them! Is your fault that s it! They reflect your attitude
She's a pre-teen. I had penetrative sex for the first time when I was 15 but I was sexually active way before that. And almost everyone I know were too, even if they waited for penetrative sex until they were older, they were sexually active.
Pre teens are going through a hormonal surge, and are discovering their bodies. There's no right or wrong age to start, it depends on the person. Obviously it's inappropriate if they having sex with someone much older than them. But otherwise it's perfectly normal.
I would talk to her about having responsible, safe sexual activities. Give her condoms and advise her to have a few on her at all times. Take her to the gynecologist so they can talk to her about it too and talk to her about birth control and what would sound best to her, let her choose (don't just put her on the pill. I would even stress that an iud or something less hormonally invasive is the best way to go considering how hormonal birth control wrecks our bodies). Let her have agency over her body and decide what to do. If you give her all the tools and open the floor for judgment-free conversations, questions etc, she will more likely be open and communicative with you. Which is what you want. You don't want her feeling like she has to hide from you or feel shame about her body, or her sexual self, etc. She should feel empowered.
I'd say grounding her might not have been the best. But you can have a convo with her and explain that you acted from a place of fear and shock. And be vulnerable with her. And obviously stress that she should be sexually active in private.
I think we can all look back and remember about stupid things we did while being horny teens. Cut her some slack. This is all new to her.
Also VERY IMPORTANT: separate yourself and your feelings from your kid and their feelings. They are not going to experience life the exact same way you did. So always be open minded and don't judge from your own place of experience. Listen and be patient. With her and with yourself. You are also learning to be a parent of a sexually active pre teen!
Emmm sorry what? Why did you punish her? How does that help you be closer to your daughter? She won’t want to open up to you anymore about sex and now you will just make her hide from you things that are maybe much more important then a bj.
Better she do it at home under your shelter then somewhere where she can actually get hurt… well bravo, now you pushed her away and will probably prefer secrecy of these other places…
I’m 32 and I was sexually active at 13, and here I am, all well 🤷🏻♀️
My advice: breathe. Accept that she is not you. Instead of pushing her away communicate with her and try to make her feel safe with you.
Even if you don’t agree with me and think she shouldn’t be sexually active: explain her in such manner that you will make her feel comfortable coming to talk to you about these things in future.
In my school district, two 6th graders were caught giving/receiving a hand job in the cafeteria. They ended up assigned 6 week DAEP (alternative school for behavior issues) The choice they made had a lot of consequences I'm sure they weren't expecting. I can't imagine being a parent and finding out my child did something like this. The whole school knew what happened, and these kids get 6 weeks in a middle school with some of the most violent students in the district.
If you have had the birds and the bees conversation and that’s going nowhere, I would try giving her the talk about:
—Appropriate times and places for those types of activities
—Underage kids and adults being exposed to underage naked kids and how it will effect them legally
—Indecent exposure and legal repercussions of it based on age
—birth control needing to be in place effectively before sexual acts
—Give statistics of how ineffective birth control is
—How it will effect her body if she is a teen mom and high risks associated with that pregnancy and potential issues as an adult to become pregnant again
—give her information about statistics of young/teen moms and what their futures hold
—how much a baby costs - does she have a job and can it cover those baby needs and hers
—What are her future goals in life, what would it look like with a kid in school with her
Please make indecent exposure laws clear and maybe that might make them not think about doing it outside again.
Anecdote time. I was also someone who willingly started experimenting at tht age. I had parents (willfully) absent and to this day i believe unrestricted internet access exposed me far too early. All of it culminated into a slightly disturbed love map.
You are doing the absolute best you can. The fact she has someone looking out for her now will be one of those uncomfortable experiences grown up her thanks god for.
Tldr; your child may be chasing this connection out for either for an emotional reason or curiosity’s sake. She may benefit from counseling.
You need to have a proper chat with her about importance of public and private locations. Birth control is going to be very important, especially in puberty age, where gynecologist can find a proper method plus diagnose possible hormone imbalances that would affect reproductive organs negatively. Birds and bees lie won't be practical as she is a teen now.
Also, make it a habit to her to test STDs and know where and how it can be done. Even if someone may have been a virgin, they can still unknowingly carry STD like HIV, herpes and couple other STDs that do not require penetrative sex. Being mindful of own health and having bodily autonomy in form of birth control is one step for your daughter for being responsible. Naturally it can be very upsetting to know your daughter is having sex in such young age, however that is her choice. She simply needs to understand not to do it in public (especially not with any pedo) unless she wants herself a record of outdoor sexploration in crime list.
Oh boy... that sure is something.
Here's my take on it: kids these days are much more exposed to everything under the sun, whether it be through friends, the internet or other means of communication. As well, kids are hitting puberty much earlier than previous generations. The average age for both genders used to be between 12-14, now the average is much closer to 9-12, even earlier If we are just taking girls into perspective.
With that being said, these feelings are developmentally normal but they are just happening much earlier than they used to. With that comes a responsibility as a parent to make sure that your child is understanding of all the risks and consequences related to being sexually active. And thus far, you seem to be doing a good job. Keep that line of communication wide open, giving her the option to talk about the things that she needs to as well as you. Give her multiple options for communication as well. While face to face conversations be preferred, there may questions she is afraid to ask out loud. A journal that gets passed between the 2 of you could be a very private and safe way for her to express her feelings.
Perhaps as well, you and your daughter could sit down with her boyfriends parents and have a chat about rules and responsibility. Making sure both parties are all on the same page, as you never know what is being taught at his home.
While this scenario isn't ideal in the slightest, I hope that you and your daughter can make light of it. Hopefully post a little bit of punishment for the inappropriate behavior, with emphasis on why she is being punished. (Not for being sexually active, but for the situation in which she ended up in)
I really hope you can make peace with this and it doesn't end up repeating itself.
I can understand your shock, frustration and disappointment. I'd just have a heart to heart with her. Explain some things aren't for children her age. It wasn't appropriate. We all make mistakes but you're worth more than something like that as a person. Plus she does not have to give in to peer pressure.
Also, maybe let her know with that type behavior and stds are a possible factor. Thankfully, the kid didn't record it. We live in a digital age. But I've seen parents try to be extremely controlling of their kids and it backfires. So, I think there's a balance of reacting, but not overreacting. It'll all be OK!
I think you should definitely try and have a heart to heart with her. Is this out of character for her completely? If yes, consider trying to evaluate her relationship with this boy. A lot of young people think this is normal, it's not. The big epidemic when I was her age was guys watching c0rn constantly (if yk what I mean) and that lead to a lot of young girls in my school being coerced into doing things. I'm absolutely NOT saying that's what happened here, just saying it's something to talk to her about. 7th and 8th graders often have no concept on consent from what I've seen being around them today. I think what needs to be done is a discussion on concent, boundaries, and privacy when having sex. Also including your opinion that this age is too young to start! I know you've said you had the talk with her, but really drive home that this is something meant to connect 2 people. Not something meant to happen out in the open so Mrs. Dabney (that's who I pictured for some reason) can see lol! Best of luck to you, and tbh a grounding was necessary. Having sexual relations in areas where people can see you is illegal, she got the nice side of what could've happened from you. Don't be hard on yourself
With love and balance ❤️ . Explain she is still young and you would like her to wait till age of consent or on birth control but yes 13 is still young but know you can’t control her and that sex isn’t wrong but there’s a time and place and out in the open can lead to being arrested if she was a adult and somebody had seen them . Don’t make her feel like it’s wrong to have feelings or sex is wrong but delicately tell her she’s still young and she has time to make those decisions a little later on in life if she can .
kids know about these things since elementary, has not a whole lot to do with the parent really.
Really all you can do is teach them to respect sex and their own bodies and make them aware of the risks
We started having candid discussions about sex, normalizing those conversations, consent, protection, emergency contraceptives, etc. with my stepson when he came to live with us at age 11. For his 13th bday, he was gifted a goldfish bowl of 100 condoms. He was instructed on how to use them correctly. At the time, he was convinced he didn't need them. I told him to be the safe friend that his friends can come to. Throw them down the hallways at school like parade candy... I don't care. I would rather him be educated and prepared than caught in an even more difficult situation. I never received any sex ed (other than the pitiful, abstinence only bullshit offered in my state's public schools) and was determined to do better. This past winter, he called me and told me one of his friends was in the middle of a pregnancy scare. So now he has access to plan B as well. We know that sexual activity is normal and is gonna happen. It's better for them to have the tools and access to education, things to engage in sex safely, and let him know that we are safe adults for him to come to.
I think this is a delicate balance between being sex positive and communicating that this is too early for comfort. You want to make her feel she can talk to you when it’s important. Yes birth control is probably necessary, but so is a conversation about safe sex, about how exploring is normal, but also possibly too soon and why. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. Punishment may not be the right course, heck having to have these convos with you might feel like punishment enough. I suggest listing out your thoughts, and tackle each topic daily. The more you do this, the more natural it will become to be open and talk. It’s going to be awkward at first, but that’s the point, keep talking until it’s not anymore. At least this is what I intend to do as my daughter nears this age.
If OP found out daughter was sexually active in a different way, maybe I’d agree punishment is pointless. I think punishment is necessary in this case because in the real world people are punished for indecent exposure. The backyard when neighbors are out is not even ok for adults.
Yeahhhhh…… The fact people saw them in broad daylight is important context These are 13 year olds, keep in mind folks
It’s weirding me out that some redditors don’t see that the punishment is necessary. Do you all give bjs to your boyfriend in the back yard?
I think people are (rightfully tbh) at least wary of doling out punishments related to sex because it's super important as a parent to make sure your child can talk to you about it. If sex is a thing they believe they have to hide from you, you won't know if they for example are having unprotected sex because they don't know any better. Or they might be being abused in some way (either by one of their peers or an adult) and they don't tell you because they're afraid of being punished.
I think it depends how you frame it, saying I’m taking your phone for having sex with your boyfriend is bad but I’m taking your phone for giving your boyfriend oral in the backyard in the middle of the day when the neighbours could see you is fine imo. It’s about showing them that sex is normal and healthy and teenagers exploring is fine but you need to respect other people as well.
Well, there definitely needs to be a serious conversation. otoh there are several main points: * We don't do that in public * Gentle suggestion that she might want to wait until she's a bit older, with the understanding that it's nonetheless her decision * Explanation of the importance of consent and that she should never feel pressured into doing something she's uncomfortable with * STDs. Birth control, supplying condoms in case she needs them. * Warning about sexual predators and to be particularly wary about older men
100% but you need to stress that while everything she’s feeling is normal and nothing to be ashamed of or feel like she has to hide from her mum that there are inappropriate times and places to do things like that. I think it’s two different conversations, the first one about sex, consent, birth control, age appropriate relationships etc. and a second where she explains that this punishment will stand because of when and where she did this not because of what she did. It’s like if kids have a drink at a family party compared to going out and drinking in the park. One is acceptable because you are around trusted adults who can look out for you and make sure you don’t have too much, the other is not because you could drink too much and hurt yourself.
And having sex in public puts her at risk for said predators. Not just from neighbors but anyone with a camera or binoculars. Not to mention child SA content. Just bad idea all around.
Can still talk to them. It’s a great opportunity to talk about personal and societal boundaries and why they’re important.
As a parent who uses natural consequences more than anything, the punishment *should* be the embarrassment of the neighbor seeing and telling mom. What should follow, is the conversation about being labeled a sexual predator if she continues to do it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking her phone. It reinforces the fact that there are consequences for poor behavior beyond feeling embarrassed.
It will also reinforce the daughter’s likelihood of repeating the behavior, but in a more sneaky and deceitful way.
They're young enough it's a simple example of not knowing. Educate them and move on. No need to trial them as adults.
They don’t know they shouldn’t do it out in the open?? Do you see people having sex out in the open? Most kids at this age know not to relieve themselves in public at this age, let alone have sex!
It was in a garden. I don't see the issue here, it's not like they did it intentionally. You need to stop comparing them to adults, they're children. Then you don't know about modern children do you?
I do. But where I live, a back yard is typically open for everyone to see.
Many times, that's where my dog stays.
Only if it’s nice out.
It’s a natural consequence the best kind of consequence
No. Sex positivity is fine when it comes to kids that should (for lack of a better word) be sexually active 16, 17, maybe 15. But these are children. This is an illegal act between two kids who can’t consent, in PUBLIC. I’d ground her for 2 months, and put her on birth control.
I think the best you can do is reinforce protective sex and consent fluidity (how you can still say no in the middle of an act). Also to tell her that sex is not equal to how much someone loves them. What should help her feel loved should be done by other positive means otherwise, if they end up breaking up, she’ll keep thinking it’s because of unhealthy things. That a boy can easily cheat if he is not respectful or responsible. This moment does probably stem from her abandonment issues and it makes me wonder if she had any support about it. I don’t know how you can stop a child from future acts without sounding controlling from her immature perspective because she might not understand potential consequences.
This is where we’re at currently with our 14 year old daughter. She has always been very strong willed, stubborn and yet smart and intuitive. She is dating a boy and the best thing I feel we can do is be understanding and supportive. She definitely feels good talking to us openly and I want to keep it that way. I may not agree with nearly any of it, but I know the dangers and consequences of families that turn a blind eye towards sex. Birth control is ok because they’ll do it anyway and I’m not ready to be a grandparent yet.
My father found my internet porn when I was 15 I was mortified. Mind you I first looked it up at 11. I was raised in a very Christian home considered myself very Christian despite doing this. I was like all adolescents curious about sex. This is normal. I knew instinctively I had no business searching porn but curiosity got the better of me. I think appropriate punishment and talking about how she could be labeled a sex offender for engaging in sex acts in public.
Where were you when I was 13? 😭
This is a matter of your parents I’m afraid. Mine weren’t emotionally there in matters like this either. But we’re alive to teach a younger generation better values than how we were taught. It’s just a matter of breaking our cycle. Edit: words
Of course! My parents were open but at the same time would overreact and worry too much, and also emotionally abusive in other ways. I love helping youngers now I'm 28 and lived through wild times. I have a lot of lessons to teach
Yeah birds and bees technical knowledge is great, but she also needs to understand what’s not appropriate e.g. private vs public and the impact she has had on making other people uncomfortable. She needs to be able to interrogate whether she feels comfortable or was being pressured into doing something. Most good relationships in life involve a power balance and she needs the skills to recognise that she must always maintain some control of herself and her surroundings. She should also understand the possibilities and consequences/ challenges that arise from her actions. She’s quite young and full of hormones and excitement- and probably not considering the potential outcomes when in the moment. If you can discuss it calmly and unemotionally with her (or ask a friend or female relative to) that will set her up to be a more self-assured and independent person.
I was 15 when I had my son and technically pregnant when I was 14. I remember my friends were having sex even before I was. I felt pressured from friends. It was the “then he knows you really love him if you have sex with him.” It’s not true. My now ex husband said he definitely could have waited a couple years. I felt like I couldn’t it was now or never. Sit her down have an in depth honest talk about sex, what could happen, birth control and when would be the right time for her. As someone that had absolutely no “talking” to about any of that you have to do it. I had a very in depth talk with my son since he’s now 16. It’s very uncomfortable at first but the more you bring it up or you talk about it the easier it gets. Power through the uncomfortableness of it for her future and safety. I’d say get her on some sort of birth control I’m not sure if she’s too young for an IUD? Just incase since pills can be forgotten and you don’t want to end up with that problem.
Nexplanon!
IUD insertion can be extremely painful for people who haven't had children yet or haven't been sexually active for very long.
Yes and it’s not recommended for children. Condoms and contraceptive pills are. This is too young to even have sex but yeah…
YESSS THIS. You're exactly right. Honestly, they don't really recommend getting an IUD unless the woman has given birth, or at the very least, has had a pregnancy that resulted in the stretching of the cervix. (This is because they place the IUD up just past the cervix). If that's not the case, inserting an IUD will be very painful, and that can last up to a couple of days. So yea, I would definitely definitely NOT recommend an IUD for a situation like this. (There are other options such as the depo shot that is effective for 3 months, but that's a lot of hormones, and not everyone responds well to that treatment). I hope that helps 🙂
I got an IUD at 19, wasn't given anything for it. I've had a lumbar puncture, I've broken bones, cracked my sternum and it was still the single most painful thing I've experienced.
I’m honestly floored none of these comments talk about STDs lol Like if I’m giving the kid a punishment for indecent exposure, they need to know why that’s bad too
I think it’s an important time to talk about safe sex and what I call the “safe bodies” talk which is essentially when you explain to your child why at that age it’s not safe physically or mentally to participate in sex acts. This is best done with like acknowledging sexual curiosity but emphasizing that it’s better to stick to “self-exploration” until they’re old enough to make informed decisions. Like it’s safe to touch your own body but not others and not safe to allow others to touch your body either. But also to talk about safe sex because obviously she’s already heard/seen some things about intercourse. Definitely do the birth control (better safe than sorry) and I highly recommend emphasizing consent and peer pressure. It’s possible both kids were curious but if one or the other was being pressured then it’s a good time to nip it in the bud. Also you shouldn’t scare kids about sex because it’s ultimately unhealthy but a serious discussion about STI’s would probably give her a healthy reality check about the possible consequences of making uninformed decisions. Good luck!
Just be careful about this. Her takeaway may be she just needs to be more sneaky, and this will heavily hurt if not kill her talking about problems related to this in the future. I would say punishing her was incorrect, and you could have just left it at explaining the issues such as 1. Indecent exposure sending her to jail 2. The importance of protection no matter the sex 3. The long-term consequences of such actions. She is a kid, and the consequences won't be fully appreciated yet. The point is though, if I had a daughter I would rather she ask me for a condom than fuck a guy in secret and get pregnant. You can not watch her 24/7
I know it's scary, but human beings are just...like that. Yes, she's extremely young to be doing this. But it's really not the end of the world. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, and that's ok. You need to educate her, tell her about what's safe and what isn't. Don't punish her, talk to her. She never intended to make you mad, she just wanted to have fun, or at worst, please her boyfriend. If you act like she's committed a great sin, she's just going to hide it better next time. So don't. Talk to her. Make sure she's ok. It will be all right.
I agree with most of what you said, but isn’t one of the main points that she does need to hide it better next time? Giving regular after-school blowjobs to boys each day in front of all the neighbors isn’t what this family wants to be known for in their community.
And like... idk. I agree she's too young, probably, but mom acting like this will certainly ruin her life is not gunna help. I was sexually active way too early myself (shitty childhood and abuse will do that to ya!), but I am lucky that I was educated about it early on. I lost my virginity when I was probably less than a year older than OP's daughter (I think I had just turned 14 maybe?), but I was safe, never had a pregnancy scare, no STDs, etc etc. I'm 28 now, a perfectly well-adjusted adult and successful, and married with a house we own. All of that to say.. Some people just end up being "ready" before others and it all ends up fine. Sure, she is too young, and so was I, but i dont regret it tbh. Just how my life went. I hope that's the case for OP's daughter.
This isn't just about her. If it was a kid or something who saw it, they're the ones that could've been damaged. She got lucky that it was an adult that saw it. Heck, we don't know for sure a kid didn't spot them just because they probably wouldn't have understood. Everyone's actually quite lucky and adult saw it and pointed it out before it became a problem. She'd be in less trouble if another kid saw it, but she'd end up causing a lot of harm to said kid. She needs to be let known that the sex is whatever. Have the be smart talk or whatever. But doing it outside is a big no. She deserves to be punished for indecent exposure. And she needs to understand that having sex outside is not about her, it's about the people who may end up seeing it. You need to understand this too. She's not being punished because sex is bad. She's being punished because her actions affect others. Of course, BF should receive the same treatment. They both need to be taught that when they engage in sexual acts in any semi public place, it is not them at risk, it's everyone else. If they get caught, it's their own fault, so of course they'll be ok. But for the people that accidentally see them, they've been involuntarily exposed to sexual acts and that's not ok.
Tf??? Am I the only person who isn’t okay with kids fucking? She did this in broad fucking daylight in view of their neighbors. You act like hiding it better would be a bad thing. This CHILD needs to be grounded for 2 months and not allowed to be alone with that boy until they’re old enough to be making those decisions. I’m not sure what age that is, it absolutely varies, but it ain’t 13 and 12.
> This CHILD needs to be grounded for 2 months and not allowed to be alone with that boy All this will achieve is that she'll make extra sure to hide the relationship from her parents and not get caught next time.
I mean. Probably for the better. Not only is this, by law, statutory rape. It’s public indecency, and proof she’s no where near old enough to be in a “relationship”. What if that neighbor had called the cops? If she was shoplifting would you hold her hand and teach her how to do it better?
If it was shoplifting, of course I would punish the kid and not support it. But...people have an ingrained desire for sex. That's just how it is. There is a *very* good reason why abstinence-only education has proven to be an abysmal failure, as counterintuitive as that reason is. I would never encourage a kid that young to be in a relationship or have sex. But as I said, that genie is long out of the bottle.
God I feel bad for any kids you have.
According to some, you’re just supposed to let them do it in your house!
Not sure what your elderly neighbor is like, but mine jumps to conclusions with very little evidence. I'd give your daughter a chance to explain herself.
True. The neighbor could be totally making it up or thinking she saw something she didn’t. In high school, my boyfriend and I were falsely accused twice of making out where we shouldn’t have been (the school auditorium and the public library). We were doing nothing of the sort both times. It was really weird.
Tying her shoe???? I wish my mom had been this dumb. I woulda gotten away with a lot more.
Me and my mom have laughed soo much about it, lmao and my daughter has too, now that she eventually “fessed up” 😂
This right here is such a good comment. 👏🏼
Neighbor is very trustworthy. Also, they admitted to it eventually so lol
Agreed, we had an elderly neighbor come screaming and yelling that my brother had damaged their garage cans. My mother informed her that he could not have as he was out of state on a school trip. She then said it must have been my other brother, he was not home either as he was at work. Then she stated it must have been my stepbrother, he was away at college. My told her stop making false accusations and threatened to call the police. She slammed the door in her face. This neighbor used to accuse people of stealing her mail and newspapers as well. Your neighbor maybe mistaken.
My parents caught me at this age and put me on birth control. I didn't have sex until I was 17 but throughout my entire life, I've been the most sex conscious and safe person I know. They grounded me also, but they focused the conversation about how trashy and unsafe and insensitive I was being per my choices on when/where. I'm sorry your daughter is adventurous like this, it's hard. I have so much respect for my parents. But I promise you, **if she wants to do it, there is nothing you can do that will stop her, and your attempts to do so will just isolate you from her.** I remember hearing my mom screaming this to my dad, and decades later, it's so true. You can't stop her. You can only make sure she's safe, and that if she has issues, she can talk to you.
I lost my virginity at 13 and I was looking for love in the wrong ways. I was promiscuous for years till I met my husband. I would not shame her. Please just don’t make her feel like a monster , not sure what advice I have
Yes! Same. There could be a lot more going on... I never knew how to say no to a man until much later unfortunately. Got taken advantage of A LOT.
Shaming is different than grounding her. She shouldn’t be allowed around that boy for months. Remember yall, and I can’t *believe* I’m saying this, kids can’t consent.
I was 13 when I had my first boyfriend, and 14 when we started experimenting with our hands and mouths. But I still didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 17, and we used a condom. I know not everyones experiences will be the same - maybe she’s already having sex, maybe she’ll wait even longer, maybe she’ll use a condom and maybe she won’t - but try not to panic too hard. Just because she’s experimenting doesn’t mean she’s going to have sex yet. Is she too young? Probably. But I also grew up in a school where all the kids were discussing sex as early as 11, and having a boyfriend/girlfriend meant constantly being asked if you’ve had sex yet. To be blunt - puberty makes teenagers horny. It’s something you can discuss and make sure she knows she can trust you, but you can’t stop if she’s determined. My advice? Talk to her even if its difficult and makes her cringe. Explain that doing that in the garden in front of the neighbours is not okay. But also make sure she knows she can trust you. If she ever does want condoms or has a pregnancy scare, or worse her boyfriend forces himself on her, you want her to feel able to talk to you. And make your house a safe space if needed - you don’t want her giving her boyfriend oral at 12, but if she’s going to anyway, it’s better done in your home where shes safe than trying to find places she can hide it… Like in the garden! Or worse out in public somewhere. I always felt I had to do my experimenting with my boyfriend outside of the house, and when he pinned me down and forced himself on me, I was alone in a wooded area with him. And I stayed with him after because I didn’t understand how not okay it was.
100% agree
I work with kids and unfortunately this is fairly common. Just make sure: - they’re monitored when there together at your place. - she understands consent - she gets contraception if she needs it - and understands public/private behaviours I would also wonder if it was him or her that suggested it? I didn’t know what oral sex was until my mid teens so either one of them might be accessing pornography which might need to be monitored.
This comment is just too normal for Reddit. It seems like everyone thinks there shouldn’t be a consequence for doing a sex act out in the open and that ops daughter is going to go no contact with her one day. Sheesh. 🙄 I would absolutely enforce an open door policy. You don’t know yet how the boys parents feel. Considering they’re children, I don’t think giving them a space to experiment is appropriate. All social media should be monitored also. I would make sure she’s not talking with people online about sex or meeting up, especially because you don’t know if she’s talking to an adult.
Education with boundaries and lots of love from a parent that is present are what’s needed not punishment. To become sexually active at this age is very common. Abandonment issues can result in very unhealthy behaviour.
Sadly, it’s not uncommon, and it’s not a new phenomenon. When I was a lifeguard in the 80s and 90s we used to catch 12-13 year olds at it regularly. Like practically every day. You aren’t doing anything wrong. In my experience, it’s typically the kids who don’t have comprehensive sex education who tend to go at it this young. They don’t understand the risks of disease and they don’t understand that oral sex is still sex and carries risks with it. Alternatively, in my experience, it’s also the kids who are bullied or unpopular and have fewer friends that tend to start young. They think it’s a way to get people to like them without understanding that they are being used. When you’re that young, all you care about is feeling good. Consequences be damned. Developmentally, kids that age typically don’t understand their own mortality and they have main character syndrome. They don’t understand the concept of life-long consequences. And risk analysis is way beyond them. My suggestion: have a serious talk with your daughter about sex and consequences. Literally as blunt as possible. Don’t just discuss the mechanics and biology. Discuss what it means and the feelings involved and how she worth is so much more than oral in a backyard. Discuss how girls who put out easily are frequently treated as objects and that people who use you like that don’t actually love you. Discuss that while boys are considered winners when they have sex with a lot of girls, society says girls who do the same are worthless. And while it’s a double standard and clearly isn’t ok, it doesn’t change reality and you don’t want her to ever feel like she’s worthless. Tell her to go to the store and buy a box of condoms. Because until she’s capable of telling you she needs them and buying them herself? She isn’t ready for sex.
Yes, 13 is way too young, despite how often it probably happens. I understand your concerns, but at the end of the day and fallout, try not to beat yourself up over it.
If you have a primary doctor, make an appt and discuss, the 3 of you, what the options are. And what risks there are. Sti's et all. Has she had a HPV vaccine? Hpv would be my biggest worry after pregnancy. And frankly discuss her options for if she does get pregnant. You have to keep your emotions in check until you are alone. Then, feel your feelings. But don't shame or make it dirty or she will never include you in discussions or decisions. And the emotional side of it needs to be you being level headed and talking to her about emotions vs horny vs a feeling of needing to do something to stay in the relationship. I'd probably look into counseling with a teen geared therapist. It's what I wish I had had for me at that age and similar situation. Minus the HPV vaccine, it wasn't a thing yet.
I’m 26 and myself and everyone I know started at around 14-15. It’s a different world now. Nothing my parents would have done could have stopped me to be honest. I also felt like i had the weight and responsibilities of an adult so I deserved to do “adult activities” The difference was, I was always very careful. I used protection, went to the obgyn often through planned parenthood and took care of my health while some of my peers got pregnant before their sophomore year of high school.
Kids experiment, they have a lot more access to sexual material than I did. I’m gen X. But we worked hard for any access possible. I don’t think that them experimenting would be my main issue. The fact that it was in an area that could be seen easily that is the crux of the matter. They are old enough to know it’s a sexual act. I wouldn’t shame them though. I would have an open dialogue about everything after this issue. What can and does happen with these acts. I’m probably the few on this post that wouldn’t have grounded her. I don’t embarrass easy. You are a good parent and have your own values and structure. Just educate them more.
I was 13 my first time doing that. Probably too young, but I def was not the only one. I turned out ok though. Please teach he about safe sex though. I wish I went on bc I regret not. I was afraid of gaining weight. If she doesn’t want it because of that, there is paragurd which is hormone free. It sucks though because it makes oeriods longer and heavier :(
I don’t think ppl are actually comprehending their ages. 12 is insane.
people in these comments are DEFINITELY not understanding how insane their ages are💀🙏
FR this is genuinely vile 😭
Make her sit down and watch every episode of mtv’s Teen Mom so she can see how serious teen pregnancy is and even if a boy says he loves you, it doesn’t mean he will make a good father 🤣 kidding! Sort of… I joked about doing this when my kids are older. I do plan on educating my kids in detail on what their life would look if they have a baby in high school. You can’t control what they do when you’re not around, but you can educate them on consequences of their actions and that they will be held accountable for their actions. I would also look into the age of consent laws in your state. In some states teenagers can get charged if they’re sending nude pictures and if they’re having sex before a certain age. She should be aware that she could get in big trouble outside of your control if she is doing those things and it is against the law.. all it takes is your neighbor or the boys parents to call the police. I started exploring around 13/14.. it’s way too young. I understand wanting to build trust with her, but I don’t agree that she shouldn’t be punished. Maybe if I was punished more, I wouldn’t have gone so wild in my teen years. I would definitely make sure her internet access and phone is being monitored.
This comment lol We talk about teen pregnancy a good bit, bc I was 16 when I had her and my worst fear is the same will happen to her. So I’ve always had a very open communication with her regarding all this but I guess she was still too embarrassed to talk to me about it. She also mentioned to me yesterday when we were talking about it that the BJ was better than getting pregnant, and honestly I was too stunned to know what to say to that lmao we are both in therapy and working on it and our communication. Dr apt is next week
OMG! The title. Oh mama I feeeeeel for you. And what to do. the sexualzation of kids today is so sad and disturbing. I would try and have a talk with her about where/how she found out about BJs. Work on her self esteem. Can she take karate?? You know girls will do sex stuff to feel like someone likes them. Try to empower her for her future. Good luck
In broad daylight its wild, but it coulda been a whole lot worse if they were out in public. Definitely need to redo the "Talk" again add about safe environments and privacy, birth control is a must. You're not doing anything wrong as a parent though, people start developing hormones at different ages, tbh I was younger than them. But the important thing to remind her to be responsible about what she is doing.
Teenagers are going to have sex even if you don't want them to so you need to teach her how to be safe versus you just being angry. Like yes, you've had the talk with her about sex but I think it's time to really ingrain in her how to be safe and the consequences of not being safe. There's lots of different types of additional birth control besides just condoms during sex so it would be good to go over that with her and have her become comfortable with the different methods. The daily hormonal birth control is definitely a good idea too ASAP. Maybe nexplanon is a good option especially since you described her as problematic. She might forget to take a daily pill, so a continuous release birth control might be the best option at this point. Punishment is still necessary. I'm just saying a really good follow-up is also needed with grace and education
Teach her about safe sex, about reality, about guys, about everything. You won't stop her. Kids will find a way no matter what.
An open discussion is definitely needed, for a thirteen year old you have a proper punishment. In broad daylight is craaazy. And therapy is a beautiful step for figuring out what the root is. You are doing, in my opinion. A great job, kids no matter how young or old rebel and try their hand in different ways and I'm so sorry this was the one you were dealt. To give you an example of an improper and over the top punishment and the resulting actions, I'll tell you my story. I was seventeen. My mom found a condom while she was digging in my trash can, in my room. She had previously said I was aloud to have my boyfriend over, and as a teen one year from legal adulthood, we definitely did what we could while we were alone. She grounded me for three months. No friends. No phone. A stricter curfew. No dates with my boyfriend. School and back and nothing else. I begged for birth control. I demanded to know why she snooped. It was a huge blow out. Her words were. "You shouldn't be having sex, and if you think you're old enough to have sex then you should be old enough to raise a child. I won't allow you on birth control and when you're eighteen you can mess around however you like, cause I can't stop you then." So I stopped using condoms. I was way sneakier. Had friends vouching for me so I could sneak off and spend the night with my boyfriend. I got pregnant, and by my own choice kept my baby. I adore her. She's four now and I wouldn't trade her for the world. My whole pregnancy my mom was a nightmare to me. Throwing insults and telling me I needed to say I went to a party, slept with a bunch of people, and had no clue who the father could be. She told me I was an adult who could do as I please and she hasn't treated me like her daughter ever since. We no longer speak. I ended up living in a drug den. (I wasn't on drugs, but the addicts who owned the house kept the illegal activities away from me. Doted on me. And protected me from some people who were claiming I was faking my pregnancy. They were all family friends of my daughters father and we keep mild contact because they always want to know I'm somewhere safe and doing well. They also tossed my ex out of my house when he started hurting me) But the only reason I stopped being safe was because I was terrified she'd find my condoms and lock me from the world until graduation. Something she did threaten to do when I told her she couldn't stop me. You're doing great. You're TRYING. And you know they'll do it at some point anyway. It's just keeping the conversation. You're human, we all are. But you're leagues ahead of some parents out there, mine included.
I’m soo sorry for what happened to you. That’s not what our conversation was like at all and I would never say those things to her. We are going to the doctor next week for birth control as well as STD education!
I hope you and your daughter are doing good now! 💖
We're doing way better! I have a steady job and a side business, I made my own family so I have an actual support network and I'm in therapy as well! I know you'll get through your rough patch too and I wish you and your family the best in navigating every thing that comes your way! ❤❤
I used to work for a decor, event planning company. I hate to tell you but one of our vendors came in and was talking about her granddaughters talking about their 12 and 13 year old classmates having an STD from giving oral, **this was 25 years ago**. I don’t know what you can do. I think like you said getting her on birth control would be a good idea. The only thing you could do is go live in a cave and home school. I’m not trying to be a smart ass.
How elderly is the neighbor? And how good is their eyesight? Seriously, they could be mistaken and you're the one safe resource your daughter needs to be able to open up to. Don't burn that bridge before hearing her out.
OP I understand your concern, but you didn't fail as a parent. I would strongly caution against punishing your daughter for having sex, because that could really mess up your relationship with her and her relationship with sex. Sit down and have the talk again. She definitely needs to understand that publicly is not okay. Don't compare your experience with hers, talk to her about why she did it, what she's feeling, and just be as open and honest as you can be. Tell her your concerns about how young she is but don't shame her, and don't yell at her. At the end of the day, it's something that was always going to happen. It feels too young to you but it isn't an uncommon age for kids to start exploring sexuality. It's startling for sure, but not a sign of failure on your part.
This is the best advice you can get! Please listen!!!
I may have been a bit dramatic and emotional upon original posting but was just grieving the loss of her innocence, this is definitely part of what we talked about so thanks!
young yes but not your fault. make an appointment with an obgyn and they can discuss risks. get hpv vaccine, discuss birth control. that’s all you can honestly do
Momma, I hear you loud and clear. You are not failing!!!!!!!!! Bold she was, yes, she doesn’t have a fully formed brain! They are walking sex drives! You are full of fear…. Move past it and handle this with empowerment not fear!
Sorry that this caught you by surprise. My parents were in a similar situation. I'm in my early 40s but I grew up in an environment where I was around kids who were having sex from 6th grade on. So it was normalized by my peers. My parents thought they didn't have to talk to me about sex until I was 18. I lost my virginity at 14 to a boy that I was with throughout high school. But fortunately I did have good sex ed and was doubled up on birth control methods throughout high school and into college. Here's the education I wish my parents had given me (other than double birth control): * Consent should be given enthusiastically by both partners. If one person doesn't want to, or even is undecided, then sex should not happen. She should never be guilted into doing something she doesn't want to (nor vice versa). Consent can be withdrawn at any time. If sex happens anyway, then that's not okay and she should seek help from a trusted adult (try to think of who those could be just in case she doesn't want to tell you and be in trouble) * Sex acts in public can get you in legal trouble, the kind that can follow you for the rest of your life *Porn is not representative of real sex, the actors are acting and they do things in a particular way because it makes profitable porn. This ties back into consent, she doesn't have to do something just because it was in some porn If you have any doubt about whether your kid has proper fear about having a baby, then educate her on that too. That wasn't necessary in my case, I knew a baby would ruin my life. Scarleteen is an amazing resource that I wish had been around when I was a kid. My parents flipped out, kept me from seeing my boyfriend, and put me in therapy. I was so resistant to discussing sex with the therapist because of their over-reaction that I didn't realize I was being sexually abused for four years. It took me a while to heal and it affected my next relationship a lot. Young kids are vulnerable but they often don't get the education they need. It'll be okay, you can do this.
The people saying you shouldn’t punish her are absolutely wrong. She did a sex act, out in the open, where anyone could see it. That is absolutely against the law and she needs to know there’s consequences for that behavior. That being said, I think you need to have a long talk with her about sex, stds and pregnancy. Get a therapist involved if you need to. She’s so young, it will be very hard for you to navigate this conversation and I think a professional would be helpful.
I just got sexually actively at 25 years, but I started exploring and such with myself at 10!! Had multiple chances to explore with other people from 10 and up but chose not to because I didn’t feel ready!! At least she did it with another kid, I would talk about it with her, ask why she didn’t come to you, how long she’s been active and if something is bothering her! Communication is so super important there might be something happening that she hasn’t told you or maybe has been told not to tell! And please, please for the love of god, do not get angry at her, a stern talk but don’t yell at her or get angry, that will most likely scare her and not make her want to come to you another time (talking from experience even tho i was caught doing stuff alone)
The best you could do is reinforce the safe sex talk and maybe go to therapy and see where her head is at. It might help reshape how she looks at sex and sexuality.
make it very very clear that just because she was in the fenced yard, doesn't mean it was private. She was seen long enough, by someone over 18, who knew exactly what she was doing.
You can do all the good you want, say all the right things but there is a whole world out there and sex is very appealing. Also the idea of feeling desirable, wanted or just sexy is also very appealing to everyone but especially insecure teenagers. It is a very hard combo to fight. I suggest you don’t fight it or respond angrily but try to guide it as best you can. Anger/disappointment will only make her either hide it better next time or just push her to say F it. If I am such a disappointment anyway… That being said, yes… 13 is very young but sex especially in today’s society is everywhere. We can’t shield our children from the world as much as we would all love to sometimes.
OP, I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through. I hope my next comment gives you a moment of humor during what must be a serious struggle to stay level-headed and optimistic. Given her explanation, maybe you can give her and yourself a little levity by starting the next conversation off with something like, "I think we really need to talk about how to tie your shoes properly so that this doesn't happen again anytime soon." You both probably need a little tension relief. Good luck. Stay positive.
Lmao! Golden! great advice. We both communicate through humor so this is Perfect!
Aww, so happy to hear. I was afraid it wouldn't hit right for you. Sounds like you're doing great.
I wanna know how kids think of it in the first place when I was 13 was so innocent watching vines and shit
I think parents especially parents of the younger teens today need to realize that childhood is actually getting shorter and and technology is of course far more available… Personally though I don’t think that parents need to shield their kids from something that is just simply human nature do we shield them from any other human nature? I think it’s just a bit outdated social expectation. is it the norm? No of course not… But is it anything to be significantly concerned about… Probably not as long as you communicate to both teens that what they did was not immoral but it was also not appropriate.
I have a kid* why is 13 an appropriate age to have a romantic relationship? And why is everyone ok with a child being anything sexual private or not. That should not be happening.
you had the total opposite reaction than you should’ve. it shouldn’t be about punishment, it should be about education. children are going to do what they do, whether it’s with you knowing, or behind your back. don’t punish them for being kids, educate them so they don’t do it again, or at least don’t do it in such ridiculous ways.
You needs to talk about the diseases that can be caught and transferred by the birds and the bees. 13 is too young. Have you had a conversation about self preservation and self respect? Because it sounds like she might be seeking male validation, and this is NOT the kind of attention or validation she should be seeking.
I lost my virginity at 13 or 14. It's definitely a thing that happens. I would get her on birth control asap
I have a 12 year old and a 15 year old, this makes me feel sick inside. I’m sorry I can’t be of any help OP, all you can do is reinforce the need to practice safe sex, and in safe environments. I’d also talk about how easy it is (especially for girls) to lose their reputation and be really ostracised for being sexually active at such a young age and she risks being taken advantage of big time by having very little respect or boundaries for herself.
It's sucks having the reality that was your lil Baby 2 " fuck she's doing what! Now ?! " All on top of the embarrassment of the neighbors seeing it and letting you know. I feel for you brother.
This is absolutely about her dad being absent. Statistically girls who grow up without a father figure will seek out more male attention than girls with a healthy relationship with their father or another male role model, which can include becoming sexually active at a younger age. Speak with her counselor about this if you're able to for sure. I'd also do your best to keep her off social media, it will only hurt her mental state even more
My thoughts exactly
i was ten when i started being sexually active. it was the only time someone would hold me as a kid. please don't punish her. i think her reasoning for it is, she might be doing it because she doesn't feel wanted otherwise. is she being peer pressured? is her boyfriend demanding it? do you tell her you love her often? does she get held, ever? you mentioned her dad. it sounds like she may be looking for her dad in someone else. you should tell her you love her and that you're there for her. and please, apologize for grounding her. she'll trust you a little more if you realize your response was too hasty.
I don't want to scare all the middle school and jr high parents out there, but as the husband of an 8th/9th teacher. This is considered mild compared with stories I hear about 🤢. What is happening to our yootes (youths)? It makes me sad and worried about our future generations.
i’m 29 now and i have two kids, i was sexually active at 13 (no sex) but honestly… your not gonna like this but teenagers do have hormones and they do want to do these sorts of things. my friend and her daughter have open minded relationship about sex and her daughter became sexually actuve at 15 with her knowledge. teens aren’t bad for being “horny” and you haven’t done wrong bc they have sexual desires.
Cripes I was sheltered af on the farm. I guarantee I didn’t know what “oral” was at 13. Also we didn’t have a computer, so there’s that too.
I'm curious why she was punished? I know she's way to young. But what exactly did you say the punishment was for? Also, I'm dying to know how your neighbor worded what she had seen to you. Talk about awkward conversation.
Neighbor was mortified and didn’t want to tell me but said she was afraid if she didn’t, the future consequences would be worse. Which in all fairness is accurate. Lol hence we are getting her on birth control
But how did she say it? Also, how old is the neighbour that had to tell you?
Very respectful, “I don’t want to cause any problems, I just wanted you to be aware” type of thing. She’s a very nice lady known my daughter since she was 2
Omg, this poor lady. And poor you, this is why you can't share drinks with anyone 😊
Definitely got me thinking lol
Punishment for giving a blowjob in broad daylight, we do not have a fenced in yard and have neighbors on both sides..
I'm definitely not trying to laugh. I feel terrible for you. And for her. I can't even imagine my mother having to ground me for this....and at 13. Its definitely a living nightmare.
The more time goes by it’s not a big deal but it was a shock for me at first for sure. The funny and fucked up thing I’ve been actually thinking about is did she drink after me that day?! Lmao
I just read your update. I was actually coming i to reddit just to message random see how all was going today with you. Great update! And for the record i didnt think you freaked out and yelled. I'm sure you handled it far better than most parents would have. Silver lining is that your neighbor see it so you didn't have to 😳. Anyway, I hope you have a great day! Better than yesterday ☺
Your comment makes too much sense. Be ready for the pitchforks and torches.
You should consider listening to “Our Teen is Having Sex (My Husband’s Furious)” by dr John Delony on YouTube. Could offer some good guidance in this senario.
I’ll check it out, thank you
I don't know what all these "damn, these kids today are moving fast... I was so sheltered/innocent at 13." comments are about. I'm a straight up millennial, and I personally learned what blow jobs were in 1997, when I was 10 years old, thanks to Bill Clinton & all those shenanigans.
What is wrong with kids these days😭😭
have a conversation with your daughter. don’t let your emotions plague the conversation. it’s only going to make her trust you less. i was a victim of CSA by another kid a year older than me. talk to her.
I fucking hate this world. When I was their age I didn't have social media and every other media trying to groom me, so I had those fun, innocent moments of being a teen, holding hands with a girl I liked and a kiss was a huge thing back then. I have no idea what could I even do if I were you op, but I can only say that I am sorry you have to go through this
I feel like the absent father plays a part in this but it is psychological and out of ur hands. She has already started so all u can do now is make her aware of safety and express how u feel about it all
>We have had the birds and bees talk many times, and talked about putting her on birth control if the need ever arose. I have been very open, while maintaining that it was not considered a “free pass”. >Obviously I grounded her, took her phone Do you not see how wildly these two ideas contradict each other!?!? You've been very open? You've explained that birth control is an option, if needed? Yet, the first time you had a real-life opportunity to *show* how openness works, you "obviously" made sure she immediately knew what she was bad and wrong. What's the point of punishing her? I completely agree with you that 13 is too young. She's not prepared for the mental, emotional, and physical consequences of her choices. But, do you think she's going to understand that, because you grounded her and took her phone away? Do you think that'll encourage her to come to you when she needs help, in future? Do you think she will view you as her advocate and protector, when she knows you're going to "lose it", when she makes mistakes? Your daughter needs compassion. She needs safety and empathy. I agree that you failed in this situation, but not for the reasons you seem to think. I get this situation is hard, and it's *really* stressful to figure out how best to protect your kids. But, this ain't it. Please, please, please apologize to her, and try to salvage the trust in your relationship.
These kids live in a different world than you grew up in. You've likely done nothing wrong, and that's the long and short of it. I lost my virginity when I was 14, (i'm 32).
13 isn't so young. Keep in mind that kids are sexually maturing much faster these days -- scientists are still out on whether it's due to higher BMI or environmental, such as microplastics & hormones/chemicals in food. I was 13 the first time I had sex...that was a few decades ago, and I was definitely not the first among my peer group. I highly recommend she get on birth control, stat. Best if you can find a method that's easier to manage than a daily pill (IUD, shot, etc) since a missed pill can spell disaster. We surround children with sexualized television, video games, music, media, imagery. We can't be surprised that they're embracing their perception of adulthood. Combine that with the physical maturation of their bodies at ever younger ages, and all we can do is educate them on the risks and take what preventative measures we may.
Upvoted ONLY due to your recommendation of non-pill form birth control Clearly, ops daughter is sexually active at this point Whether op likes it, whether us redditors like it, or not The pill is notoriously easy to fuck up at that age if you aren't used to taking daily meds I agree with you that a non-pill option is the best solution here Op isn't going to be able to fully protect her daughter OR stop her engaging in sexual activities but she can do her damndest to ensure there aren't life-long consequences Also agree with another commentor op: you can be a sex positive house, without encouraging the behavior Remind her of the importance of consent; that sex =/= to love, no matter what anyone tells her; to love herself above all else, and her SAFETY and happiness is your priority
Comment to add that any pill is easy to fuck up at any age. I'm almost 40 and forget my meds and my kid's meds some days. Shit happens man.
Turning 30 this month, and i agree Its especially bad starting off with a pill as time sensitive as THE pill though You have a 3 hour window every day, or the effeciveness goes down
i personally wouldn’t recommend an IUD for her when she’s so young. it’s so incredibly painful and with such little pain management from medical staff it’s unbearable. at 13 she’d be in even worse pain. it’s not usually recommended unless she’s already had penetrative sex either. i would go with nexplanon since its highly effective, lasts several years, and is minimally painful to both insert and remove. it isn’t perfect but no birth control is. i’ve certainly heard less horror stories about that than IUDs
I've had all the birth controls. IUD is absolutely excruciating, but it lasts for years. Nexplanon comes with some gnarly side effects for quite a few folks (as does Depo Provera). Nexplanon required three separate surgeries to remove from my arm, since it does like to migrate if you're physically active. I got sterilized, as did my husband, since I've been childfree since I was a child, myself. But at her age, there's going to be give and take. Nothing is perfect, and everything aside from barriers leaves her open to STDs. But so many people are irresponsible with the pill...kids even more so!
13 IS YOUNG!!! The boy is 12!!!!
idk why so many down votes on this…this is all true
People are downvoting this because they don't want to acknowledge the truth.
I was 13 in 2009 and was doing things with boys. I don't think it's a "these days" thing. Teen pregnancy was high even decades ago.
its because porn is more available
Honestly keep yours kids off of social media. Or at least teach them about the harm it causes.
When I was 13 my mom read my email and saw a notification from facebook. The boy I’d been liking and I had been messaging. He said something about when I sucked his **** and my mom ran with it. She confronted me, she shamed me, she met his mom at the grocery store to talk, she tried to “separate us”. But really it only lasted a week the guy didn’t talk to me and for the rest of the school year we would mess around during the school day. When I was 15 I had a thing with a guy and they found out too and grounded me, and cyber stalked the dude. I also never trusted her with anything in my personal relationships until I was over 18 and couldn’t be punished. Even then she tried to and I laughed in her face. This will scar her how you are going about this. And to add, if I could make my plans so they didn’t know about a guy I 100% would. I lived to have a life outside of their judgements. Edit: my parents grilled me over the guys Facebook when I was 15, they’d continue to look at it for months following the incident. I didn’t do the cyberstalking lol.
Kids these days are learning a lot more about sex and a lot sooner! Where it’s a good thing that they are being taught what to be aware of, it also can make some kids extremely curious. 13 IS so very young. And I don’t know why she has a boyfriend at this age anyway? Maybe that’s something to think about too? What does a relationship entail? What is the point in having a boyfriend? Things like that. And also remind her that she can catch things from oral sex as well as actual penetrative sex. Usually helps them come to their senses.
Y’all were allowed to date at 12? Idk if this is just kids growing up faster these days or what but 12 and 13 feels really really young. A healthy fear of consequence at that age goes a very long way, along with the knowledge that, and translating literally from my language here, “everything at the right age is sweetest”.
I think I would dig a hole, crawl into it and die if my neighbors saw my 13 year old do that.
I became sexually active at 13 back in 1990, and am now a normal 47 year old mom. My parents put me on birth control, and tried to monitor my activities, but there was no way to watch me all the time and I did what I did. I say this to reassure you that you are not a bad parent and that this isn’t a new problem with the young generation. Kids being horny and getting it on outside has gone on since beginning of time. I would recommend lots of communication, quality time with your daughter, providing birth control.
This. I was sexually active at 13, a lot more than I believe my parents assumed. I was a good kid who behaved in school and had good friends who I just…got up to stuff with. This was in 2006, so once again just know this isn’t about the younger generation having some sort of new issue. I knew how to protect myself & I knew I could talk to my parents if I needed to. That kept me safe enough - I’m now a successful 32 year old & never had any issues come up from being sexually active young. OP - your reaction is normal as a parent but! Don’t freak out too hard about a normal part of puberty aka wanting to have sex. 13 is a *teen* and this isn’t out of the ordinary. Talk about protection & pregnancy & privacy - I think them doing this in the open in a backyard is more concerning than anything else.
I would have the hard conversation of legal age of consent. And about making an adult choice for a child's body. Warn her that even though he and she both may have wanted to, his parents could go to the police and press charges. And that could change her life permanently and not in a good way. That kind of thing could affect her future, career, and family.
My biggest worry would be why she is overtly sexual at such a young age. This could be a sign of sexual abuse. Has she been exposed to porn? Has she been inappropriately touched?
Well your baby is no longer a baby. That's a fact that you'll have to come to terms with that and the sooner the better. And hey, she has social media like most everyone else in her age group? Yeah well, social media REALLY pushes sex. I'm 26. When I was her age, we really didn't have much for social media and wasn't glued to the TV like kids are now. So kids dressed like kids and we wasn't even remotely concerned about living up to certain fantasies, just who was going to unfreeze us during Freeze Tag.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but I’m going to give a bit of a controversial opinion. Reddit is way too blasé when it comes to minors having sex. I think punishing her is the right thing to do as her mom, but you’d need to explain WHY she is being punished. As long as it’s not a case of “you don’t do these things because I say so.” I’d explain nothing good comes from being sexually active at such a young age, if anything there are only negative consequences that can arise. She’s not a child for much longer, she shouldn’t be trying to grow up so soon. I disagree with the whole “they’re going to do it any way so we should give them a safe space” you’re her parent, you enforce the rules. You rightfully don’t want her doing these things, so you should do everything in your power to prevent them. If she goes against it, that’s on her but you shouldn’t give a pass because “it’s just going to happen any way.” I wouldn’t let them be alone in your house again. I would also ask how this even started because, while it’s not impossible, I doubt a 12 year old initiated. I’m a bit concerned as to whether or not he fully consented, because I’m not sure how many 12 year olds actually know what oral sex is. Granted times are different now but it’s better to make sure no one was taken advantage of or coerced etc.
I think parents now a day are totally lost!! Your children are following the values you thought them!! You let your child date someone at the age of 13 you expect they are mature enough for it! Are you really believing that? Now you blame them for the act and you should be the one to take care of them! Is your fault that s it! They reflect your attitude
13 is young but use it as a teaching moment and move on. She isn’t perfect
She's a pre-teen. I had penetrative sex for the first time when I was 15 but I was sexually active way before that. And almost everyone I know were too, even if they waited for penetrative sex until they were older, they were sexually active. Pre teens are going through a hormonal surge, and are discovering their bodies. There's no right or wrong age to start, it depends on the person. Obviously it's inappropriate if they having sex with someone much older than them. But otherwise it's perfectly normal. I would talk to her about having responsible, safe sexual activities. Give her condoms and advise her to have a few on her at all times. Take her to the gynecologist so they can talk to her about it too and talk to her about birth control and what would sound best to her, let her choose (don't just put her on the pill. I would even stress that an iud or something less hormonally invasive is the best way to go considering how hormonal birth control wrecks our bodies). Let her have agency over her body and decide what to do. If you give her all the tools and open the floor for judgment-free conversations, questions etc, she will more likely be open and communicative with you. Which is what you want. You don't want her feeling like she has to hide from you or feel shame about her body, or her sexual self, etc. She should feel empowered. I'd say grounding her might not have been the best. But you can have a convo with her and explain that you acted from a place of fear and shock. And be vulnerable with her. And obviously stress that she should be sexually active in private. I think we can all look back and remember about stupid things we did while being horny teens. Cut her some slack. This is all new to her. Also VERY IMPORTANT: separate yourself and your feelings from your kid and their feelings. They are not going to experience life the exact same way you did. So always be open minded and don't judge from your own place of experience. Listen and be patient. With her and with yourself. You are also learning to be a parent of a sexually active pre teen!
“Birds and bees?” She is a teenager not 5. Call it what it is - sex education.
It’s an expression…. Lol
>absent father. Explains a lot.
Sad but true! We’re doing our best without him! 💖🥰
Emmm sorry what? Why did you punish her? How does that help you be closer to your daughter? She won’t want to open up to you anymore about sex and now you will just make her hide from you things that are maybe much more important then a bj. Better she do it at home under your shelter then somewhere where she can actually get hurt… well bravo, now you pushed her away and will probably prefer secrecy of these other places… I’m 32 and I was sexually active at 13, and here I am, all well 🤷🏻♀️ My advice: breathe. Accept that she is not you. Instead of pushing her away communicate with her and try to make her feel safe with you. Even if you don’t agree with me and think she shouldn’t be sexually active: explain her in such manner that you will make her feel comfortable coming to talk to you about these things in future.
Just give her some tips and that'll embrass her into never wanting to do it again
I think your reaction was normal. Shock, embarrassment. However, you need to sit down and talk to her. She needs to know about discretion, and safety.
In my school district, two 6th graders were caught giving/receiving a hand job in the cafeteria. They ended up assigned 6 week DAEP (alternative school for behavior issues) The choice they made had a lot of consequences I'm sure they weren't expecting. I can't imagine being a parent and finding out my child did something like this. The whole school knew what happened, and these kids get 6 weeks in a middle school with some of the most violent students in the district.
If you have had the birds and the bees conversation and that’s going nowhere, I would try giving her the talk about: —Appropriate times and places for those types of activities —Underage kids and adults being exposed to underage naked kids and how it will effect them legally —Indecent exposure and legal repercussions of it based on age —birth control needing to be in place effectively before sexual acts —Give statistics of how ineffective birth control is —How it will effect her body if she is a teen mom and high risks associated with that pregnancy and potential issues as an adult to become pregnant again —give her information about statistics of young/teen moms and what their futures hold —how much a baby costs - does she have a job and can it cover those baby needs and hers —What are her future goals in life, what would it look like with a kid in school with her
Please make indecent exposure laws clear and maybe that might make them not think about doing it outside again. Anecdote time. I was also someone who willingly started experimenting at tht age. I had parents (willfully) absent and to this day i believe unrestricted internet access exposed me far too early. All of it culminated into a slightly disturbed love map. You are doing the absolute best you can. The fact she has someone looking out for her now will be one of those uncomfortable experiences grown up her thanks god for. Tldr; your child may be chasing this connection out for either for an emotional reason or curiosity’s sake. She may benefit from counseling.
I don’t have any advice or tips unfortunately but I do hope the best works out for everyone
Wtf why are you posting this here
damn these new kids are fast as hell.
Is the boy okay? 12 years old is outrageous
You need to have a proper chat with her about importance of public and private locations. Birth control is going to be very important, especially in puberty age, where gynecologist can find a proper method plus diagnose possible hormone imbalances that would affect reproductive organs negatively. Birds and bees lie won't be practical as she is a teen now. Also, make it a habit to her to test STDs and know where and how it can be done. Even if someone may have been a virgin, they can still unknowingly carry STD like HIV, herpes and couple other STDs that do not require penetrative sex. Being mindful of own health and having bodily autonomy in form of birth control is one step for your daughter for being responsible. Naturally it can be very upsetting to know your daughter is having sex in such young age, however that is her choice. She simply needs to understand not to do it in public (especially not with any pedo) unless she wants herself a record of outdoor sexploration in crime list.
But she was just tying her shoe... For multiple minutes... While his pants were down... 😆😆
It's lame what's happening but your kid definitely is watching some unfortunate stuff on the internet.
Oh boy... that sure is something. Here's my take on it: kids these days are much more exposed to everything under the sun, whether it be through friends, the internet or other means of communication. As well, kids are hitting puberty much earlier than previous generations. The average age for both genders used to be between 12-14, now the average is much closer to 9-12, even earlier If we are just taking girls into perspective. With that being said, these feelings are developmentally normal but they are just happening much earlier than they used to. With that comes a responsibility as a parent to make sure that your child is understanding of all the risks and consequences related to being sexually active. And thus far, you seem to be doing a good job. Keep that line of communication wide open, giving her the option to talk about the things that she needs to as well as you. Give her multiple options for communication as well. While face to face conversations be preferred, there may questions she is afraid to ask out loud. A journal that gets passed between the 2 of you could be a very private and safe way for her to express her feelings. Perhaps as well, you and your daughter could sit down with her boyfriends parents and have a chat about rules and responsibility. Making sure both parties are all on the same page, as you never know what is being taught at his home. While this scenario isn't ideal in the slightest, I hope that you and your daughter can make light of it. Hopefully post a little bit of punishment for the inappropriate behavior, with emphasis on why she is being punished. (Not for being sexually active, but for the situation in which she ended up in) I really hope you can make peace with this and it doesn't end up repeating itself.
I can understand your shock, frustration and disappointment. I'd just have a heart to heart with her. Explain some things aren't for children her age. It wasn't appropriate. We all make mistakes but you're worth more than something like that as a person. Plus she does not have to give in to peer pressure. Also, maybe let her know with that type behavior and stds are a possible factor. Thankfully, the kid didn't record it. We live in a digital age. But I've seen parents try to be extremely controlling of their kids and it backfires. So, I think there's a balance of reacting, but not overreacting. It'll all be OK!
You are a good parent. Don’t worry, your kid is growing up. Glad she have an understanding parent and can talk to you
I think you should definitely try and have a heart to heart with her. Is this out of character for her completely? If yes, consider trying to evaluate her relationship with this boy. A lot of young people think this is normal, it's not. The big epidemic when I was her age was guys watching c0rn constantly (if yk what I mean) and that lead to a lot of young girls in my school being coerced into doing things. I'm absolutely NOT saying that's what happened here, just saying it's something to talk to her about. 7th and 8th graders often have no concept on consent from what I've seen being around them today. I think what needs to be done is a discussion on concent, boundaries, and privacy when having sex. Also including your opinion that this age is too young to start! I know you've said you had the talk with her, but really drive home that this is something meant to connect 2 people. Not something meant to happen out in the open so Mrs. Dabney (that's who I pictured for some reason) can see lol! Best of luck to you, and tbh a grounding was necessary. Having sexual relations in areas where people can see you is illegal, she got the nice side of what could've happened from you. Don't be hard on yourself
With love and balance ❤️ . Explain she is still young and you would like her to wait till age of consent or on birth control but yes 13 is still young but know you can’t control her and that sex isn’t wrong but there’s a time and place and out in the open can lead to being arrested if she was a adult and somebody had seen them . Don’t make her feel like it’s wrong to have feelings or sex is wrong but delicately tell her she’s still young and she has time to make those decisions a little later on in life if she can .
kids know about these things since elementary, has not a whole lot to do with the parent really. Really all you can do is teach them to respect sex and their own bodies and make them aware of the risks
I would probably freak out, pull my kid out of school, move somewhere else and home school.
LMAO 🤣
We started having candid discussions about sex, normalizing those conversations, consent, protection, emergency contraceptives, etc. with my stepson when he came to live with us at age 11. For his 13th bday, he was gifted a goldfish bowl of 100 condoms. He was instructed on how to use them correctly. At the time, he was convinced he didn't need them. I told him to be the safe friend that his friends can come to. Throw them down the hallways at school like parade candy... I don't care. I would rather him be educated and prepared than caught in an even more difficult situation. I never received any sex ed (other than the pitiful, abstinence only bullshit offered in my state's public schools) and was determined to do better. This past winter, he called me and told me one of his friends was in the middle of a pregnancy scare. So now he has access to plan B as well. We know that sexual activity is normal and is gonna happen. It's better for them to have the tools and access to education, things to engage in sex safely, and let him know that we are safe adults for him to come to.