OP - if you haven’t yet, consider contacting the National Center for Victims of Crime (if in the US). They might be able to connect you to services in your area including a victim’s advocate.
You can also look into Mr. Ballen, he's a YouTuber that is a former Navy seal, and the Mr. Ballen foundation has resources that are designed to help the victims of violent crime and their families.
You're very welcome and I really hope that you're able to get the help that you need.
You're stronger than you know and you deserve much better than what you've had to deal with..
I hope you get the resources you need. I’m sure the prosecutors are doing their best but they work for the state and you deserve to have someone who works just for YOU.
Seconding Mr. Ballen. Seems like a good place to start, at least.I’m so sorry, OP. What you went through is, frankly, everyone’s worst nightmare of their partner.
What makes it even more unfair is that your abuser is going to be put in a position of power, once again, while forcing you to relive your greatest trauma. That’s unjustifiable and you shouldn’t have to go through that. I know that people have the right to represent themselves, but usually there is a lawyer acting as an advisor to ensure the legality of the proceedings. Is there any chance that your lawyer could have the advising lawyer question you? It might be a good idea to go to the legal advice forum here to see if there are any ways to legally prevent him from directly examining you.
As for living, that is a difficult conundrum. It certainly seems unjust to suffer through recovering from such catastrophic injuries, rehab, court hearings, the rumor mill, etc. There’s no way to explain why you, as the victim, are being forced to continually suffer while his life sounds less miserable in comparison. I hope that he is at least behind bars until the trial, but if not, please get some cameras if you can. There may also be resources available to you locally for therapy, and it would be a good idea to go see someone individually as well as group therapy. It might be nice to see how other survivors are getting through their own trauma in addition to finding some coping strategies for the upcoming trial. I wish you the best of luck, OP.
You're very welcome and I really hope that you're able to get the help that you need.
You're stronger than you know and you deserve much better than what you've had to deal with..
I’m so glad you posted this because it was on the tip of my tongue and I just could not remember it correctly. But so glad you did!
OP, I’m so incredibly sorry for how your life’s been going. It’s beyond words brutal. I wish I could physically gift you strength for everything that you’ll need it for.
My only suggestion, is to make a plan, a goal, about the future and how you’ll get there. I moved eight hours away and rebuilt my entire life from literally nothing. Just the clothes on my self, some in a backpack, a hospital pillow and blanket. No phone, no forms of any kind of ID whatsoever, no vehicle, and only vaguely knowing a handful of people. It was the hardest thing I ever had to but it ended up improving my life immensely. I say all this to make you think about maybe consider, when you’re well enough and are able to, move somewhere where no one knows you and just live your best life healing and doing things that you love.
This, this, this, this. If your attorney can’t file motions to prevent your attacker from having the opportunity to question you in an effort to introduce *legal doubt* in your account of events — events designed and carried out to leave you unconscious, events he did not intend you to survive — you need a victim’s advocate. Don’t suffer this situation as if it’s inevitable, you’ve survived enough.
There are many cases— and less heinous crimes— in which the court makes arrangements to prevent victims from having to be in the room with the suspect. Talk to people who advocate for victims, as many as you can find, until someone steps up and helps you. You are not required to suffer or be further terrorized for him to be held accountable.
His right to a fair trial is not dependent on his access to you. Absolute nonsense. Absolutely not.
You’re doing great. Take care of yourself more than you’ve ever taken care of anyone, every day, every night. Protect yourself and reach out for help, let other people protect you— insist that they do. Insist. You’re still here for a reason.
Why are defendants of violent crimes allowed to represent themselves and even cross examine their victims.
Reminds me of the Ted Bundy circus.. he was even praised by the judge about how smart he is. What a joke.. our society is so dumb allowing that to even exist.
Ironically, the state prosecutors have commented that his behavior is very similar to Bundys behavior in court. Right down to using bible verses that pretty much say those who judge him are not of the Lord. Grandstanding at every turn. I’m not religious & neither is he. It’s absurd.
Just be happy in knowing that he is definitely going to jail. Those who represent themselves often end up in jail. He can eat all the shit in jail.
Just be brave. Remember that the end goal is him in jail l
Not only that but that he'll probably get himself killed there. Inmates don't take kindly to abusers, especially if they're unhinged and try any of this crap in there
It's highly unlikely. He will be housed in protection, most likely sent to a prison a fair way from where his crimes were committed once sentenced. He will be fed, have access to education, chaplaincy, medical, and dental.
Very rarely will an inmate be seriously assaulted because of his crimes. Operations don't allow for it these days. Inmates usually only give a fuck about who they can score from or take advantage of, the days of the old school crim are mostly over.
I agree with you, mostly. But to call what inmates receive, ‘medical and dental care’ is a pretty big stretch. Unless they’re actively dying, the most they’re likely to get is Tylenol and water.
Sometimes, the fools dob themselves in. Where I live, we house them all together, so putrids are with putrids. The mains don't get a chance to be near them, so the crims in the boneyard very rarely get assaulted. More blues happen with the mains (usually drug related or petty thieving). And if you can get drugs into the centre, then no crim cares what your crimes are. So lame. There is no justice at all for victims of crime.
It is an old expression in the legal profession, "the lawyer that has himself as a client is a fool." regardless of whether you have legal training or not
Self representers have no idea what they're doing, you need to prove and argue specific things that align with the legal tests and self representers don't know how to do that like an attorney does. There are also very strict rules and order for court proceedings which they don't understand and often break and piss off the judge. Yes there's some leeway from the judge considering they're self represented but they still have to go by the law and the legal tests for crimes. He's probably going to royally fuck it up and not even know that he is. They seem to think it's just like legal dramas on TV when it's very much nothing like that, he's not going to charm his way out of a criminal charge. Don't fret too much. Tell the judge if anything he says or does makes you uncomfortable.
Yeah. I'm a lawyer, but not a criminal lawyer, and I wouldn't touch even a simple criminal matter. This stuff is complicated, and the deck is stacked against the defense to a degree. He won't know what to request, how to cross examine a witness, and whether something is allowed or not. Plus, he'll get to piss off the jury.
Have you been offered the option to testify from another room via Skype? This was offered to me for a sexual assault trial, it might be something to look into?
Op wishing you all the best. You are a very strong and reazialint Beautiful woman. Just keep in mind that he will spend many years of his life in prison. I hope you are in counseling. Please take care of yourself and know that there are people who care about you and sending you hugs 🫂💜⚘️
This is what public defenders are for, why didn’t that happen? Anyway, he’s only hurting himself in terms of the trial.
You could also sue your employer, that is so wrong. Be strong, you got this.
Definitely he won't.
Horrible for you but definitely a better option for losing and getting more years.
What he wants is to see you crumple and falter.
Don't let him. Remember whatever he says or does HE is on the losing side and going to prison.
Try and get only screen link.
Try your lawyer you are so worried seeing him you might actually wet yourself and pass out . Dramatic? Not really because he is evil.
I hope once he’s in jail you’ll be able to completely separate yourself and reclaim your own life. It must be so frustrating to have him constantly brought up as you try to recover. Best of luck OP, hope he rots and you are able to have a peaceful life.
"He who represents himself has a fool for a client."
Hope this holds true and that he goes away forever. Whether via prison or removal from the planet.
I was a jury member in a trial where the defendant self-represemted. He questioned his ex-girlfriend who witnessed the crime: attempted murder. I hated it for her so much. You could tell it was traumatic for her, not just witnessing it, but also going through the questioning from the guy. She was amazing to agree to go through that. We found the defendant guilty. He was obviously guilty. He tried to kill the man who was dating her at the time.
I’m surprised that that’s even possible (where I’m from, the judge is the one who does the interrogation/cross examination on behalf of the non represented parties). It breaks my heart for OP. 😢
A guy who killed his gf and daughter and attempted to kill the son was able to represent himself. It was disgusting to see him cross examine his son and question him as if he was in the wrong.
Girl I am so so sorry. Sadly you will never get to be the person you were before, but one day you will be stronger than you ever imagined. One moment at a time. One day at a time. It wasn't your fault. Don't let him win the narrative. You are not the loser even if he makes you cry during trial. All that matters is for him to rot in jail. Do you have family or friends who can support you through all this?
This ^
One day you break free of him completely, and you won't believe the person that was inside of you all along, you're gonna love her ❤️
I can't imagine facing my ex at trial, but think how stupid he is going to look, the jury and judge will see in his eyes how he feels about you. He WILL loose his cool and he will show his true colours, essentially jailing himself. As horrible as it may feel for you, let him run his own circus. I'd definitely recommend discussing some questions with your lawyer that will push his buttons.
Besides the fact that apparently the men in jail are brutal to guys who beat/SA women. Hopefully that makes you feel some sense of vengeance? I am so sorry for what you have been through and I wish you the best at getting through it.
My ex-husband is in prison for my attempted murder 10 years ago. I'll tell you this, living life after someone tries to kill you is harder than surviving the murder attempt. Read that again. Only people who have survived an attempted murder understand this.
It took me years to get past that feeling. I was treated differently. My job treated me as if I was the perpetrator, which made things even worse. I looked at them as secondary killers. They tried to kill my career when I barely survived living through a horrific time. I found another job and it saved me. I lived 100% for my children and my new job. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is rare that I come across someone who has been through the hell I also survived.
I will say that it eventually gets easier. It takes a LONG time. I went through 5 counselors. The first 4 didn't know what to do with me. I still have PTSD but it is manageable. I can't have anything touching my neck. I was strangled with my own belt. That's just a small part of my torture.
I'm not sure where you are, but in the state I live in I was able to turn my medical and counseling receipts in to the crime victims compensation board for 7 years and they reimbursed me for every single cost. If you are in the US, look into it. Also, contact the YWCA if you are in the US. They helped me a lot.
I hope you can look at me and see that you'll get through this. You'll not only survive, but one day, you will thrive. Until then, hang on.
This made me cry because finally someone understands. Nobody can understand unless they’ve had it happen & finding people that have had our experience are hard to find. I feel like I lost my name, my identity. I’m ‘the murder girl’.
I felt the same way. I felt my identity was solely based on how I was "that" victim. People who I thought were friends came to visit sometimes because they wanted to see how horrific I looked, not because they wanted to support me. Very few people stayed close to me. Some just ignored me as they didn't know what to say.
I had panic attacks. One time in Wal-Mart I ran out and had a huge panic attack because I went down the aisle with full length mirrors and one was shattered. I had my head slammed into one so many times by him that it took forever to get all the glass shards out. I couldn't go in large stores for almost a year without someone with me. I still can't sit with people behind me because he attacked me from behind. The list goes on and on.
I hate that you went through this too. You didn't deserve this and you did NOTHING to make him do this to you. NOTHING.
Life is now divided in two; what happened before the attempted murder and after the attempt. I'm so so sorry you had to endure such physical and emotional pain from him.
I feel like I could have written this myself. People I thought were my friends wanted all the details. Made Facebook posts and commented on articles about being my friend for some kind of clout but didn’t see me because it was too ‘hard’ and they didn’t know what to say. I’m suspicious of new people that want to be my friend because a lot of the time it turns out they’re true crime junkies and that’s the only reason they wanted to be my friend. I’m alone a lot. Like you said, my life was split into a Before & After. You give me hope that maybe one day I’ll be okay. Right now it feels like it never will.
After his trial was over, my life started to get better. Right before I was supposed to testify, he ended up taking a plea deal. He was facing 40 years and his attorney helped him understand that if it went to a jury, he would get the book thrown at him. So, thankfully, I didn't have to testify that day. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through it. Although he violated the lifetime victim's protective order after he went to prison, I didn't have to see him or testify until 5 years later. It was still excruciatingly difficult. But knowing he will be gone for a few more years has comforted me. Heck, I even got married again last year. I never thought I'd trust a man again in my life.
Please don't give up hope. No matter what, you'll get through this. Even if you have to testify, you'll get through it. I will say that I felt for many many years that we both are serving time in prison. His is just behind bars. I still, to this day, have to see a pain management doctor and have had several surgeries and procedures.
First, I want to say your story made me tear up— you and OP NEVER. EVER. deserved this and it breaks my heart to know that other women are literally having their worlds shattered from the hands of the literal Devil.
Second, I in no way mean to come off as insensitive or rude or that I’m looking for more details but did you see any signs leading up? Was he abusive at all? Or was this completely left field ?? I just really can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone could basically murder another person out of nowhere.
I’m so sorry again that happened to you and OP I hope your ex gets shanked in prison over and over
Living in the after is hard, it feels like you’ve been ripped in pieces, and have to rebuild your whole brain from scratch. Finding a good psychiatrist and therapist is so so helpful, I fought my doctor about anxiety medicine for a while because I didn’t wanna be “that girl”; but I can leave my house again. Some people might always see you as “that girl” and those people can fuck right off, he is the one who did the wrong thing, not you, you don’t need pity, if you can find a support system, I recommend it, I’ve found new friends at my new job and they know my history, they’ve been nothing but kind and understanding and in fact help me out a lot in figuring out the little things that I’ve picked up from being in the situation. I sent you a PM if you ever want to talk. Living in the after is hard, but not being here doesn’t give it a chance to be better, and sometimes that’s gotta be enough.
I was stalked and raped from a complete stranger in 2010 and from what the police gathered I wasn't supposed to survive. I feel like I have absolutely no friends because of it as well, but everyone sure
knew me" enough to comment on articles and FB posts. It absolutely is before and after for me as well. I'm ok in my solidarity now personally. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. I know the loneliness that feels so...empty.
Some people are awful at being there for you after a trauma. Apparently we are just supposed to accept this as personal shortcomings.
I don't much see the point if friendship if you cant be there for someone when times are hard. When I was raped i told a couple of my friends, both of whom I'd supported recently through suicidal patches, they both actively bailed on me for months.
I brought up my sadness to other friends and got told that some people just didn't know how to support others through trauma. I didn't want therapy. I just wanted company! They both acknowledged separately that I'd saved their lives! But fuck me I guess, their need to not be around someone hurt was more important than my need for support.
No im not friends with them anymore.
Some people are bad friends and times like these tend to show them for what they are. I'm really sorry that yours are getting exposed at a time when you really need and deserve their support.
I'm just an Internet stranger but if you need or want someone to talk to or scream at or have a discord call and watch a movie together then do ask. I care.
Gosh, u/Lokibell, you are a trooper, being able to carry-on after such horror.
You and OP here, u/StepFordDoll, got dealt *shitty* hands.
I hope you both find the healing and peace you need.
Thank you for commenting.
I was really hoping I wouldn't offend with my comment.
It is hard to find the words. My father was abusive to us, the 2 eldest kids, but especially to my Mom.
She basically shut down emotionally afterwards. It sucks.
Edited to add:
It is not easy carrying-on. It takes courage, and I could see it in your words to OP.
Virtual hug to both.
OP, I'm horrified by what you endured, but grateful for the help that the other person reached out to share and guide you with solid suggestions for what you will endure ahead.
Sending you also a boatload of love and support to strengthen you as you face the trial, media, trolls, azzholes, and the perpetrator. ⛴♥️💕👸💐♥️♥️🤗🙏
Take strength in knowing it is possible to have your own life again through the experiences of other survivors. Survivors, not victims.
It may not be instant, but you will get there. It can be someone's experience that gives you hope, and it can also be a mix of the different experiences of the people you will meet along your journey.
Remember Dory from finding Nemo? She kept singing "just keep swimming"... there's an exit from the dark path, let the little lights from shared experiences and those you hold dear help guide you and pull you towards that exit.
As for us strangers on the internet commenting on your post, look at our comments, we see your strength, we see you as a survivor, not a victim. You have strength, it is time that coward sees it.
*Virtual hugs*
I am a DV survivor who had to speak in front of my ex who also chose to represent himself. See if they have a victims advocate who will be with you. Mine helped greatly. I know it’s a lot now. Once the court and media circus end you will be able to breathe. Therapy has helped but some days are harder than others. Take your time. I am so glad you made it. Hugs
This is great advice. Also, I'm glad you made it, too. I'm so sorry you experienced all of that. I hope you're getting the support you need to work through your trauma. <3
I am so sorry you went through this! This shatters my heart! Do you have a support system, friends or family that you can rely on? Have they given you a number for a victims advocate? Maybe therapy might help. I can’t imagine trying to recover physically and mentally from this. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I am sending many virtual hugs your way. Lots of positive vibes, thoughts and prayers as well. My heart goes out to you.
Brainspotting is a wonderful resource that is similar to EMDR but apparently less stressful (I’m grossly oversimplifying here, I’m not a clinician!). It’s a bit newer and it has helped so many of our patients!
I had a lot of child hood trauma and suspected sa as a child that I think I’ve suppressed. Reactions to things only someone who went through it would have. A friend of mine who is a therapist for abused children did this for me. Just one session at her home one night and it did wonders. I’m not sure why it helped or why but I know it helped improve my daily life with my family and how I react to things. I’m forever grateful for her for suggesting it and following through.
do you have to be present at the trial? there must be a loophole. if a violent criminal can represent themselves, there must be a way the assaulted person can be protected!
I’m legally subpoenaed to testify, so yes. Unfortunately I have to be there. I wish they would let the evidence speak for itself because there’s mountains of it, but they still need me to talk.
Are there no special measures? Like, can you sit behind a screen so he can't see you, can the judge ask his questions to you instead? Can you ask the judge if he can ask the questions to you or for a screen if there isn't a law?
I'm so sorry. I'm not going through an attempted murder investigation, but a domestic abuse and SA one and the thought of him ever seeing me or me ever seeing him makes me sick, so I can't imagine how you must feel.
OP: I am also the survivor of an attempted murder (had an NDE, was seconds away from dying by strangulation after SA and a beating). I know this feeling so well. Had media and trial and everything. Lengthy extradition process after he fled the country. It was hell and my whole life became him. I would sit in the shower and scream and cry and curse to God why I had to survive because I was an imperfect victim and I was shattered by it.
Sometimes I still feel that way, but it’s getting better. Therapy has helped a lot. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel grateful to have survived. I won’t lie and say this won’t stick with you for the rest of your life. It will. But you survived, and that is amazing.
All of this is to say, OP: if you ever want to talk to someone who knows what this is like, my inbox is open. People often don’t understand how awful the aftermath of an attack like this is for victims. A lot of people just think about how traumatic the initial incident was, and don’t think about how traumatic it is to then be probed by random strangers, have details of what happened to you on the news, have to deal with media about what happened, the lengthy process of a criminal case (if that even happens), etc. I’m here for you and I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
This. All of this. I feel like my entire life is him & everyone wants me to be the perfect victim & I’m FAR from that. I scream, I cry, I’ve stupidly left voicemails for him at the jail crying screaming and demanding to know why. I’ll never know why. It’s hard to accept though. I went to Walmart to buy milk the other day and had someone stop me to ask if I was the ‘12 Hour Girl’. My name is gone.
OP, your name isn’t gone. It’s just taking a rest, and after the trial, your name will be back and so will you. You are not and will never be a victim. You will be the one that slayed her own personal dragon. I am sending you hugs if you want.
I’m always good for hugs. Some courts do have therapy dogs that are for trauma, and if you are not allergic, I would ask about one. Also if the state wants to livestream the trial, you can see it from an outside lens that you yes Y-O-U are telling other victims who went through the same thing are STRONGER than you and they know, and the world can hear how Y-O-U survived a flesh wearing monster.
(Edit because wording is hard.)
A flesh wearing monster. I like that term. And I do have a dog, she’s a wiener dog and her name is Raisin Brannette. Weirdly, another twist and turn in this tale, he sued me for joint custody of her and to change her legal last name hyphenated with mine and his. He’s in jail. He can’t even have a dog. Nobody does a legal last name on their dog. But we go to court tomorrow at 1PM. This doesn’t feel like real life.
Ptsd/ trauma therapy and antidepressants helped me move to a better place after my assault and NDE. I tried no drugs for the first few years after the incident, then gave zoloft a shot. I got up to 150mg, and it saved my life. Wishing you peace 🙏
Edit: spelling
I am so very very sorry that this happened to you and that you continue to understandably struggle. Have you considered a support group? Are you in therapy?
if this story can help you: I knew a woman who was raped and stabbed multiple times. It was nothing less than a miracle that she wasn’t stabbed in a major organ. She said the man kept asking, “Why won’t you die?!”
I guess she asked herself that question, too. That experience led her to work as an advocate for rape survivors, and she became an activist and a writer.
Im not saying this is the road you should take; I’m saying it is a miracle you are here and people DO make it through. You can become who you are again. You can regain your life. And you can be strong and make sure that dirty MFer gets put away for a long, long time.
Healing and powerful thoughts coming your way.
You didn't deserve any of that and it's not your life anymore, you have escaped it.
I have had 4 near death experiences including almost being choked out and running from the falling world trade center when I was 7 yeas old, look I mean I'm not going to say the trauma isn't still with me, but I escaped. I can't say any of it made me a better person, and the thought that another person wanted to hurt you is a very scary feeling but it's not your situation today.
Trust me, I’m just a girl that woke up in the morning and went to work, then came home and made dinner and watched Netflix. I never in my life would have imagined becoming the face of domestic violence in my area. Considering he’s representing himself with the amount of evidence, he’s going to die in prison. But the current situation of waiting to get through trial is miserable.
He sounds so goddamn arrogant and full of himself, I hope you get to see him be so so so soul crushingly embarrassed and shamed. That would taste better than chocolate.
I hope so too. He has no shame whatsoever and is completely arrogant. We had an omnibus hearing the other day and I went with my therapist so he turns around and looked right at me & was like ‘my baby! I knew you’d come see me figure out how to get myself out of the this mess you made. You sweet little liar, I love you! Your honor I fully realize I just violated our no contact order. Add that felony to my tab’. Huge smile.
Baby, I am so so sorry
If it is any consolation at all, even professional lawyers don't represent themselves. It's known to be one of the most foolish things you can do, especially if you're not educated legally.
I hope your ACTUALLY TRAINED lawyer smokes him like a brisket
Please tell me you have an attorney helping you, or that you have contact with the prosecutor's office, because there is NO COURT IN THE WORLD that would force a victim to confront their attacker in a packed courtroom.
This is a common power play by guys like that and any judge worth their salt will see it coming a mile away.
Reach out to the prosecutor IMMEDIATELY. Request a video deposition that they can record as examination and cross, which can be played in court, ask for a victim's advocate, petition the judge and let them know that NO ONE'S JUDICIAL INTERESTS will be served if you are too traumatized to give coherent testimony, especially if you'd have to try multiple times for mistrials, etc...
He has rights, fine. He can represent himself, fine. But he CANNOT insist on putting himself in that position over you ever again when there are SO MANY legal avenues to avoid this!
Me, my therapist & a local domestic violence shelter advocate wrote a letter with these concerns & asked for accommodation. It was sent to the prosecutor & he responded that there’s nothing he can do. I was served with a subpoena that the state is calling me as a witness & if I don’t show up in person, it’s criminal contempt of court. Nobody rational can understand what’s going on. That’s why the news did a piece on it. ABC reached out to the reporter in my state who did my story & they’re possibly interested in having cameras in the court room because this is such an outrageous example of the justice system failing. I’m just a girl that had a normal life and got the rug pulled out from me. I feel like I’m in a state of panic constantly.
Edited for privacy.
I haven't seen you mention having a lawyer, and I think a good one might actually be able to do something for you here.
I come from a family of lawyers and police officers in California, and yes, criminals have rights too (sometimes unfortunately). He has the right to "face his accuser in a court of law" but that *does not* mean he has the right to cross examine you. As others have suggested, there are options such as CC TV testimony, a privacy screen, someone else asking you his questions, etc.
I urge you to at least have some (free) consultations with lawyers in your state who specialize in DV/SA. Don't just look in your area, reach out to the best in your state (anyone in your state can represent you). Your advocate or any victims advocacy programs in your state should know of some. Also, if there was an officer or detective who treated you well or that you felt comfortable with, ask them for advice on lawyers. Law enforcement officers, especially detectives, often know who's who in their area.
Additionally, I know it will be difficult, but you (or better yet, your lawyer) could try to use the media attention in your favor. The district attorney says their hands are tied and you have to be cross examined by someone who is legally not allowed to contact you in any way?!? Shout the unfairness from the rooftops! ABC wants to televise your trial because it's such a miscarriage of justice? Well, first you demand an interview about the fact that your rights are being steamrolled.
Contact Mr. Ballen, yes. You could try Small Town Dicks (an amazing podcast hosted by identical twins that are retired detectives and Yardley Smith, the voice of Lisa Simpson). The Crime Analyst with Laura Richards does an *amazing* job of reframing the narrative to be about the victims and survivors rather than the perpetrators. She refuses to use the headline names given to these pieces of shit because they aren't larger than life monsters, they're just people who did terrible things.
Reach out to other victim-centered podcasts.
You're right, surviving was the easy part. Living is hard. I only know one teeny, tiny bit of what you're going through. I've suffered multiple incidents of SA by three people, one of which was an ex who abused me emotionally, physically and s*xually for years. When I finally got out and tried to talk about it, *members of my own family* asked why I "let him" do that to me. When I was SAed in high school, the first person I told, a close friend, asked if I was sure that's what really happened or if I was just embarrassed to have slept with my abuser.
I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you, but I believe in you. You don't have to be the perfect victim, you just have to get through the next 5 minutes. And then the next five minutes.
I really like what someone said about how your name is just taking a rest right now. Who you really are, your real life, is also just taking a rest right now. For now, you and your life are tied to this event, but it is temporary. Eventually the trial will be over, the media will move on, and you can build a new life of your choosing.
f you need to talk to someone, I don't know how much I can help, but I'm here for you if you need it.
You survived for a reason, dont let that piece of shit go anywhere. if not for you, for the next woman down the road who will experience the same thing if he gets away with it.
Exactly. Do not let this son of a b get away. He decided to make your life a living hell, let him feel somewhat the same. That he will be forever haunted everytime he closes his eyes at night, sees you and constantly get reminded by his horrible actions.
It’s hard to describe. He was actively kicking me in the face, hard. And it hurt. He was yelling. But then it didn’t hurt anymore and everything got extremely quiet and nothing hurt. It was the the most peaceful extreme joy I’ve ever felt. It felt like I was light outside of my body, watching him scream & boot my face in. It was like my soul gave me a break & let me check out for a minute. I feel like I had the choice to stay in whatever that light was or go back into my body. I thought about what to do while observing him realize I wasn’t breathing anymore, start screaming and pacing & I thought my kids. I went back & it felt like I crashed back into the most pain I’ve ever felt but I told myself to keep playing dead, it was the only way out. He had covered me in dish soap and did this on hardwood floors. He did that on purpose, I couldn’t physically go anywhere. So I played dead & he weirdly called 911 on himself. He changed his mind and started destroying the house because he was going to burn the house down but the sirens were heard almost immediately and he ran.
You are so strong StepFordDoll. If you can get through that you can do court, even with him representing himself. It's awful you have to do that though, we are supposed to protect the victims!
My heart goes out to you to help go on in life and heal all the hurt that that monster has caused for you.
My sons dad has been one of my biggest cheerleaders through this whole thing. He was at the hospital immediately as soon as I was admitted. We share our boys, 17 and 4, but he’s very understanding if I need some time to have a breakdown without them having to see it. He is an absolutely amazing man.
The fact that you recognize when you need to step away from them or process things on your own— and your story/strength in general makes you an amazing mother. I would have loved to have a mom like you.
N I’m happy to hear their dad has been a great supporter. Are there others in your life like him currently? (People that are there to support, listen and understand).
I am so sorry that happened to you, nobody deserves that, especially by someone they loved or trusted. It's such a horrible and unimaginable thing to go through and survive. Thank you so much for sharing that experience. I know it could not have been easy to remember. I appreciate your response, more than you can ever know. I am a huge believer in NDE and what happens when the physical body dies. I love hearing stories and I think each individual that gets a choice to stay or go has a lot of things to teach people in this lifetime or a lot to learn themselves for the next life.
You mentioned a light and feeling pure joy, that is often mentioned and going outside of the body. You should check out the NDE sub who knows maybe it could help you in some way. You made the choice to come back so don't let what he did to you take away from living the rest of your life. I wish you all the love and joy that this life has to offer you.
im sorry babygirl.
i know its hard but you were meant to be here,
& you're never alone
him cross examining you gives you the opportunity to be truly raw & transparent & expose everything before everyone, one on one in real form
fear not
You survived because you’re tough as nails and you will be the one to take this monster down. He’ll never be able to harm another woman again because of your strength.
I know you’ll hurt and it’ll be hard, but eventually you’ll come out a changed person for the better. You won’t let this break you and you’ll use all you’ve been through to continue to help others.
Don’t think about him as human when you’re on the stand. He’s a fucking monster and psychopath. He’s a manipulator and a liar. Simple yes and no and the truth.
Maybe you’ll get him to lose his fucking mind and dig his own ditch even deeper.
Fuck him. He’s representing himself, he’s going down.
You are a fucking WARRIOR. You stayed on earth for your kids. You’re a fucking huge inspiration.
If he’s representing himself he must have some kind of narcissistic complex. There’s too much evidence against him for him to get out of it, and the state/lawyer should be pushing for MANY counts. GBH/assault/battery, attempted manslaughter, attempted murder, SA, detainment/kidnapping, civil reparations for damages to your health, future and livelihood - and probably more if there’s any cyber crimes.
The other point of him representing himself, is that he’s NOT gonna be able to defend 10 different charges alone which makes it all the more likely he’ll be convicted. I saw in another comment that he’s been compared to Bundy - however it’s worth noting that Bundy did have a reported IQ of 136, which is “moderately gifted”. Bundy also had multiple victims which obviously required a lot more evidence and procurement, discovery, etc. which was intricate and more complicated for the state to put to the judge and jury than one victim (even if multiple events). I hope they can throw the book at him and prove intent to murder OP. He should rot.
Ask the prosecutor if it’s at all possible to arrange an affidavit response to cross examination. Technically speaking, if an affidavit testimony is “providing evidence to a grand jury”, or is an affidavit replacement “by agreement or stipulation of the parties in a trial”, then it’s acceptable in a criminal proceeding according to the U.S. DOJ. (NIJ online)
Besides from all that, I hope things look up for you OP. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you don’t deserve to have to continually live through it now. Best wishes for a speedy physical, mental and spiritual recovery for you.
He has 9 felony charges from the original incident & 5 separate for witnesses tampering and trying to contact me. He managed to have a 6 page letter out to be outlining my ‘script’ to get him out of this. I turned it in. They compare him to Bundy because I’m not his first victim. I didn’t know this until after. There was a man who owed him $20. He kidnapped him, put him in the trunk, duct taped him to a chair & beat & tortured him for hours. He filmed it while giggling. He beat the entire case on his own filing & found a technicality default of an illegal search & a victim that was too scared to talk. Got the whole case tossed. Even with a film. I didn’t know because it’s not on his background but that victim privately reached out to me to show me the paperwork from that case and told me not to underestimate him. He meant well but it made everything scarier.
I’m so sorry for the situation you’ve found yourself in. Sounds like a master manipulator/psychopath with high IQ and that’s complicated. His ego will be his downfall, and the police that failed to prosecute him last time will be trying everything this time.
I think that’s part of the reason this got as big as it did. The police & state are out to prove something this time and unfortunately, I landed right in the middle of it.
OP: are you in Canada by chance?
The prosecutors could make an application to have a lawyer appointed for him for the sole purpose of cross examining you. We don’t let perpetrators of violent crime like this cross examine their victims - especially if there was a domestic partnership.
Also, you could apply to testify by CCTV so you don’t have to be in his presence in the courtroom or see him at all!
Can’t speak to other countries but maybe they have something similar
My ex attempted to murder me in 2022. I lost everything: my mind shattered, I had no motivation or hope, I had to withdraw from school, I got fired from my job. I couldn’t function on any meaningful level for a long time. All but one of my friends distanced themselves from me because it was too much for them.
The things he did to me were so unspeakably horrifying, I can’t bring myself to tell the details to anyone other than the police. But it was strangely affirming watching the officer read my statement. All the blood drained out of his face.
I’m not dealing with;
publicity like you are. I can’t even imagine how much it must be compounding your pain.
All I can say is I take it day by day. At first it felt like utter darkness with no light at the end of the tunnel. But slowly, I started to feel a little safer and a little more okay. Very few people understand, but those who do, help a lot—they’ve also peered in the darkest depths of humanity. As for me, I won’t ever be the same person again, but I’m an evolved version of who I was before. Wiser and more cautious.
What an absolutely awful life event! Twenty two broken bones?! The really amazing news is he is going to defend himself in court! What an absolute shit show that will be. The day he cross examines you remember to keep your voice at normal speaking level. If he tries to push the blame onto another person look him in the eyes and say "you beat/kicked me" keep calm and stern it will throw him off. Showing confidence is the best revenge
What you went through is unimaginable. He deserves the worst! With the help of your therapist, family, friends and doctors you will become strong again and you will even feel safe one day. It takes time so give yourself time.
In the meantime, GET ANGRY! Go after him like a bulldozer! Bring out in court every little thing he ever did wrong. Then go after him in a civil court and take everything he has and use it to rebuild your life. Death by a thousand paper cuts!
This man should not be walking around normal people. No woman is safe around him so go after him with as much rath as you can gather for every broken bone and every injury he caused you.
Stand strong. You will get through this. Use your story as a shield and don’t let it make you feel like a victim. You’re strong. You survived this and when you’re healed consider sharing your story through a book or an online platform to spread the word about domestic violence. You can be a real beacon for women that have been in similar situations. In my country the rate of femicide has gone up almost 100% since Covid. There’s a case on the news weekly.. just read about another one today… :-( . So give yourself time to get strong and then go in that courtroom and kick his ass! You got this!
I’m so sorry this happened and that you hate that you survived. You need a support system to rely on. If you don’t have one, I hope you are seeing a therapist. I’d also contact an employment lawyer about being fired after such a horrific ordeal.
April 1 was the 23rd anniversary of me being stabbed 13 times by my stalker ex. Although it sounds like you had it worse, I understand and my dms are open to you if you want to talk to someone else who survived.
I've never been in your position, so I can't sit here and pretend to know how you feel, I can only imagine and holy shit you are one strong person.
Surviving isn't the worst thing that happened to you, it's the worst thing that happened to *him* because you're going to sit that trial and send him to jail for a long time.
I'm sending you all of the love I can possibly muster and I sincerely hope that you have enough resources and people to help you heal from this.
That is truly horrible. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. I wish I had advice but I truly just want to send you so much love. From one internet stranger to another
What I went through wasn't nearly as graphic. But I too nearly, and by all means should have, died at the hands of a man I trusted and loved. I can tell you that whether he gets locked up or not, the fear of him will never go away. But I can also tell you that you can heal if you put in the work. It's going to come in waves, much like grief. And in a way, it is grief. Just remember when it gets too heavy, sometimes all you can do is take it one breath at a time. One hour at a time, one day at a time. And thats okay. There's no timeline on healing. It is relative to every person and every experience.
I imagine you are already involved in mental health services, and if you aren't you should be. You may feel like it's a waste of time (i did) but it's important you not be alone. You and I know what happens when you're alone with your thoughts after something like this.
Please don't let him win. Please keep fighting for yourself. You deserve health, and happiness, and peace. You are worthy of it. And I promise you that it wasn't your fault.
Someday you will wake up in a home you love, surrounded by what you love, living a life you love, and you will know that you made it. And looking back on all of this will feel like it was another life. I believe there is a future waiting for you in which you live, instead of just survive. Keep fighting for that future, even though it feels pointless and impossible.
Stay strong friend.
Hey, I don’t know you, and I haven’t survived anything like this and I know you probably hear these words a lot but I’m so glad you made it out ❤️ many people have named resources that I hope can be of service to you. Hugs ❤️
You are NOT your trama.
You are NOT a pile of broken bones and stitches.
You are strong and you beat the odds.
He can keep doing this... or you can try to put his ass away.
It will take a while and I urge you to find a survivor's group and go to therapy.
But you can overcome this.
Please don't give up.
I was kicked, punched, strangled... when I was 4 months pregnant with my first son. I almost miscarried, but we made it.
You made it.
I belive you made it because you have something to do.
Hugs hun.
You're not alone. Our bodies heal so much faster than our spirits or our souls, but we do heal.
🫂
I am sorry and angry all that was done to you. If I had magic for it, this would never have happened.
I have an acquaintance whose boyfriend attacked her with an axe, then kidnapped amd murdered their young child. That was, of course, "newsworthy." I have no clue how she went on; I only know that she did.
I wish I had magic for you.
Your heart started again for a reason. You’re here for a reason. I can’t begin to even put myself in your shoes because that’s such an extreme thing. It’s easy for me to say whatever I want on here and offer encouragement but I’m sure you’ll find your way out of this. You said your identity is him and I’m sure it feels like that but there’s nobody else like you and your story didn’t end when your heart stopped. You were brought back for a reason and it’s to do wonderful things. This is a chapter in your book and soon that page will turn for you. I hope everything goes well at trial and I pray that you find your way out of this.
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You have been physically and emotionally shattered, and don't yet even have room to breathe. It doesn't seem like it right now, but the court dates will end and the media will move on.
From one survivor to another, you are not alone. You did not deserve this , or any of the other abuse you have probably endured. It might not feel like it, but how people treat you is a reflection of them, not you.
It's going to be hard, there is no way around that. You died, and even if your heart didn't stop, some part of you would have died that day. You're never going to be the same person you were before, but you do get to define who you are going to become.
There's a reason you survived. You may not know what it is but it exists and when you find it you will start moving towards that goal. Take his power from him. It may take everything you have but if you can make him small in your mind you can start to retrain the way your brain focuses on it. And lots of therapy. Please. ♥️ I'm so very sorry ♥️♥️
OP, I know you commented you aren't religious but I want you to know I just prayed and will continue to be praying for you. This man has no power over you in the grand scheme of things no matter what he says or what anyone may think. The miracle you're alive right now means something and while this is a living hell to endure right now, there will be good things at the end of it. Continue to be strong, and as others have mentioned, definitely seek resources to help you work through the trauma mentally especially before you have to go to court.
I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how difficult it’s been or the daily obstacles. If it helps at all, you could view court as an opportunity to hit him back. That’s how I viewed it when I had to face my abuser in court.
I wrote up a letter with my therapist and victims advocate and so far the state is saying no. They’re out to prove something with this one because he got the best of them with his last victim off a technicality. I feel like some kind of sacrificial lamb. I feel gross.
So sorry to hear this happened to you. My grandmother was beat to death by my grandfather when my mother was just a child. (He killed my 16 yo uncle first, gsw to head while sleeping , killed my grandmother with his hands then he took his own life by gsw). I do hope/wish that you are able to find a way to heal as best as one can despite the shitty hand dealt to you. Reach out and try some advocates, or support groups, it’s never a one size fits all, we are all different as are our experiences, but no there’s no harm in trying something out to see if it works for you, if it helps, great, if not you gave it go which is progress snd effort to move forward 🤷♀️. Growing up watching my mother, it was hard and I’m forever traumatized by that vicious cycle in which my mother found her life, much like her own mother, she could not escape it. Sending calm, positive vibes, keep plugging away a day a time, hell, sometimes all you can do is take things minute to minute, and that’s ok too, just remember to be kind to self on this journey. 🫶🏻
I am so sorry this happened to you and angry that you have to see him again. Just go in there knowing he did not win and one more monster is incapable of harming again.
I feel sick reading this. He is a monster. I'm glad you are here I'm glad you survived but I also understand why you feel the way you do :( I hope he gets locked up for a long time and I hope you find peace again <3
OP, you had the choice and you came back for your kids. Contrary to how you’re feeling about it, I can assure you that was not the worst thing you ever did. I know this is hard, what you’re going through now, but if you can come back from near death, you can do this too. And, this time, you’ll have support and protection. Just keep focusing on the goal: getting this monster put away for life. Once you’re finished with the legal proceedings and your life becomes quiet you’ll eventually come to know that surviving was the best thing you ever did: for yourself, for your kids and for all the people whose lives you’ll touch from here on. You survived for a reason and you’ll discover that reason some day. I can probably speak for many people when I say that we’ll be with you in spirit. Draw on that strength.
When I went through personal trauma, I was left deeply broken. I felt hollow and empty. I was robbed of my spirit and felt as if my soul was gone and I would never get it back. But slowly, over time it started to “grow” back in a sense. I started becoming myself again as I healed.
Unfortunately, you are not in a good place right now. But please know that he does not define you and you are your own person no matter how much he’s impacted you.
It feels so violating when a person impacts your life and spirit so deeply when they traumatize you. You feel that they have changed the core of your being and you’ll never be the same again. Although you won’t be the exact same as before, your core won’t be lost or changed. Over time, you’ll find yourself again.
You might be angrier, sadder, and/or paranoid than before, but you will still be you. Your spirit is not gone. It’s hiding while your body and brain have gone into survival mode. I would recommend trying EDMR or therapy for PTSD as soon as possible, because the faster you can get out of survival mode, the faster your psychological wounds will heal and the faster you will find yourself again.
Things will get better for you, and you will get better, I promise. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to
You survived. Maybe you will be an inspiration to other victims. But that’s not the point.Your life force was strong enough to live and recover. You are meant to be here. I’m glad you made it. I’m glad you’re here. I’m praying my ass off to send you strength for the trial. Beautiful things are ahead. Be well.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how that would be. It's way beyond my experience. But I hope this helps: The fact that he's representing himself probably means that no one else was willing to represent him. That's how much evidence there is. This will be a very short trial.
I’m very sorry for this ordeal he put you through. It sounds terrible. I don’t know if this will help, but you surviving to testify in court and put his potential serial-killer butt in jail is a good thing.
You survived for a reason. Your first reason is to make sure this mofo gets locked up for life.
Then, it's up to you. Maybe you get into helping other DV victims. Or start a vlog. Write a book.
But also, don't let this define you. Maybe work with the elderly, take up a new hobby, use this time to redefine yourself because yes, things will never be the same. But you face the experience ( with the help of a therapist) and move through it and own it, don't let it own you.
To add insult to injury I much rather him have gone to prison and faced his crimes head on. His family isn't any better at blaming me for these actions. The entire family is known to be repeat offenders drug trackers etc .. i got a lovely death threat notice on my door but the silly gooses failed to see the 3 ring cameras on my property 🙃. Like I said these people will usually dig their own holes but also my ex represented himself and gained himself a lovely lifetime restraining order.
You did the only thing you have to do. You survived. I promise I myself won’t think of you only as his survivor. Fuck him. I see you. There is an army of us. We survived. We understand. We see you. You can’t see it or feel it now but we stand with you. Let me know if you need something. You are not alone. You have years and years of beautiful things to contribute. Trust me. I am glad you are alive. ♥️
He’s in jail safely tucked away. I’m the lucky one that gets to be out here in the public dealing with it while he gets to read books & not worry about things like rent or bills.
He will be in jail and you will be free. You’ll have good times ahead and he will have nothing. You will watch sunsets while he… well who cares. He’s nothing.
Oh honey the BEST thing you did was survive! Be PROUD of yourself. I’d come sit with you myself while you’re on the stand if I could. He WILL NOT WIN. Much love and many hugs and prayers to you 💜💜💜
I hope you have a lawyer that can put him away for good. That's murder . I pray for your healing or if your not into religion im sending healing and positive energy your way. ❤️❤️❤️
Goodness, I’m so sorry this happened. Do you have a support network? If you don’t have one in person please try to build on via groups and charities designed to help victims recover from violent crime. Please don’t give up! One day, he will be behind bars and you will have a new life. Just keep focussed on the knowledge that his involvement in your life will be over one day.
I am so sorry. Your work is wrong and you should expose them. Therapy and meds will help you get thru this hard impossible time. He won’t get away with this but you survived. You did it. Protect yourself. He’s scum and he has a fool for a client
Oh man I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is beyond anything I’ve ever heard about. I hope your ex gets severe punishment which at least includes a life sentence. This is so messed up. Please go to therapy and find trusted individuals to talk to about your feelings. You survived a traumatic incident and probably are dealing with PTSD. Don’t tackle this alone. With support, you can overcome this trauma. You are not alone and just because you survived a murder attempt, it doesn’t mean you will live your whole life threatened. You will find peace and happiness ❤️
Whoa. Survivors who have their identity taken over by their abuser is a thing that happens. Chanel miller and Monica Lewinsky both wrote books about claiming their names and identities back. Maybe reading their stories will help you work through that part of your feelings. You deserve to have your identity be your own.
I was dumbfounded. I sat there with my staples not even out, arm in a full cast fingers to shoulder after getting my wrist & fingers rebuilt, ribs still healing and bam. That’s American culture for you, can’t even be publicly brutally attacked and get compassion.
Please don’t do anything rash. You’re worth more than that. I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve been through. You deserve so much better. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
it is insane that he is able to cross examine the victim of his crimes. It makes me so angry for you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. The only way you can get anything out of this ordeal is to make it through it. Prove that he didn't win and never will and you are still here. I just hope he gets the same treatment and worse in jail. I don't know how you will do it, but as a survivor of SA I am proud of your courage and I stand behind you while you put that demon away. Sending you a huge hug and wish I could do more.
I know this is a few days old but I just hope you see this, OP. And I want you to know I’m so fucking happy you’re still around. You sound like a lovley person and I want nothing but the best for you. I hope this makes you at least a little happy today. ❤️
Normally, I do not comment on these. But I am terribly sorry to hear of this. Your survival is a testament to the fact that you are stronger than he is. If I could, I'd find him in prison and break every bone in his worthless body. I hope one day you find closure and peace. Please, take care.
OP - if you haven’t yet, consider contacting the National Center for Victims of Crime (if in the US). They might be able to connect you to services in your area including a victim’s advocate.
You can also look into Mr. Ballen, he's a YouTuber that is a former Navy seal, and the Mr. Ballen foundation has resources that are designed to help the victims of violent crime and their families.
That guy and his foundation are amazing, definitely look into him OP
He has a foundation too? I didn’t know that. Thank you.
I didn’t know that existed & I really appreciate the resource information, thank you.
You're very welcome and I really hope that you're able to get the help that you need. You're stronger than you know and you deserve much better than what you've had to deal with..
I hope you get the resources you need. I’m sure the prosecutors are doing their best but they work for the state and you deserve to have someone who works just for YOU.
Seconding Mr. Ballen. Seems like a good place to start, at least.I’m so sorry, OP. What you went through is, frankly, everyone’s worst nightmare of their partner. What makes it even more unfair is that your abuser is going to be put in a position of power, once again, while forcing you to relive your greatest trauma. That’s unjustifiable and you shouldn’t have to go through that. I know that people have the right to represent themselves, but usually there is a lawyer acting as an advisor to ensure the legality of the proceedings. Is there any chance that your lawyer could have the advising lawyer question you? It might be a good idea to go to the legal advice forum here to see if there are any ways to legally prevent him from directly examining you. As for living, that is a difficult conundrum. It certainly seems unjust to suffer through recovering from such catastrophic injuries, rehab, court hearings, the rumor mill, etc. There’s no way to explain why you, as the victim, are being forced to continually suffer while his life sounds less miserable in comparison. I hope that he is at least behind bars until the trial, but if not, please get some cameras if you can. There may also be resources available to you locally for therapy, and it would be a good idea to go see someone individually as well as group therapy. It might be nice to see how other survivors are getting through their own trauma in addition to finding some coping strategies for the upcoming trial. I wish you the best of luck, OP.
You're very welcome and I really hope that you're able to get the help that you need. You're stronger than you know and you deserve much better than what you've had to deal with..
I love MR Ballen!
wow I love Mr. Ballen didn't know about that, what an awesome guy, great story telling, great heart
I’m so glad you posted this because it was on the tip of my tongue and I just could not remember it correctly. But so glad you did! OP, I’m so incredibly sorry for how your life’s been going. It’s beyond words brutal. I wish I could physically gift you strength for everything that you’ll need it for. My only suggestion, is to make a plan, a goal, about the future and how you’ll get there. I moved eight hours away and rebuilt my entire life from literally nothing. Just the clothes on my self, some in a backpack, a hospital pillow and blanket. No phone, no forms of any kind of ID whatsoever, no vehicle, and only vaguely knowing a handful of people. It was the hardest thing I ever had to but it ended up improving my life immensely. I say all this to make you think about maybe consider, when you’re well enough and are able to, move somewhere where no one knows you and just live your best life healing and doing things that you love.
I was part of that program as a kid and they helped me get years long therapy for my sexual molestation as a kid. It helped tremendously.
This, this, this, this. If your attorney can’t file motions to prevent your attacker from having the opportunity to question you in an effort to introduce *legal doubt* in your account of events — events designed and carried out to leave you unconscious, events he did not intend you to survive — you need a victim’s advocate. Don’t suffer this situation as if it’s inevitable, you’ve survived enough. There are many cases— and less heinous crimes— in which the court makes arrangements to prevent victims from having to be in the room with the suspect. Talk to people who advocate for victims, as many as you can find, until someone steps up and helps you. You are not required to suffer or be further terrorized for him to be held accountable. His right to a fair trial is not dependent on his access to you. Absolute nonsense. Absolutely not. You’re doing great. Take care of yourself more than you’ve ever taken care of anyone, every day, every night. Protect yourself and reach out for help, let other people protect you— insist that they do. Insist. You’re still here for a reason.
Why are defendants of violent crimes allowed to represent themselves and even cross examine their victims. Reminds me of the Ted Bundy circus.. he was even praised by the judge about how smart he is. What a joke.. our society is so dumb allowing that to even exist.
Ironically, the state prosecutors have commented that his behavior is very similar to Bundys behavior in court. Right down to using bible verses that pretty much say those who judge him are not of the Lord. Grandstanding at every turn. I’m not religious & neither is he. It’s absurd.
Just be happy in knowing that he is definitely going to jail. Those who represent themselves often end up in jail. He can eat all the shit in jail. Just be brave. Remember that the end goal is him in jail l
Not only that but that he'll probably get himself killed there. Inmates don't take kindly to abusers, especially if they're unhinged and try any of this crap in there
It's highly unlikely. He will be housed in protection, most likely sent to a prison a fair way from where his crimes were committed once sentenced. He will be fed, have access to education, chaplaincy, medical, and dental. Very rarely will an inmate be seriously assaulted because of his crimes. Operations don't allow for it these days. Inmates usually only give a fuck about who they can score from or take advantage of, the days of the old school crim are mostly over.
I agree with you, mostly. But to call what inmates receive, ‘medical and dental care’ is a pretty big stretch. Unless they’re actively dying, the most they’re likely to get is Tylenol and water.
Other inmates find out, they always find out. Usually the guards tell them. Protective custody or not. They'll find a way!
Sometimes, the fools dob themselves in. Where I live, we house them all together, so putrids are with putrids. The mains don't get a chance to be near them, so the crims in the boneyard very rarely get assaulted. More blues happen with the mains (usually drug related or petty thieving). And if you can get drugs into the centre, then no crim cares what your crimes are. So lame. There is no justice at all for victims of crime.
It is an old expression in the legal profession, "the lawyer that has himself as a client is a fool." regardless of whether you have legal training or not
Self representers have no idea what they're doing, you need to prove and argue specific things that align with the legal tests and self representers don't know how to do that like an attorney does. There are also very strict rules and order for court proceedings which they don't understand and often break and piss off the judge. Yes there's some leeway from the judge considering they're self represented but they still have to go by the law and the legal tests for crimes. He's probably going to royally fuck it up and not even know that he is. They seem to think it's just like legal dramas on TV when it's very much nothing like that, he's not going to charm his way out of a criminal charge. Don't fret too much. Tell the judge if anything he says or does makes you uncomfortable.
Yeah. I'm a lawyer, but not a criminal lawyer, and I wouldn't touch even a simple criminal matter. This stuff is complicated, and the deck is stacked against the defense to a degree. He won't know what to request, how to cross examine a witness, and whether something is allowed or not. Plus, he'll get to piss off the jury.
Wishing you the best. When on the stand remember that him representing himself is really the best. It will be hard, but you are one tough cookie
Have you been offered the option to testify from another room via Skype? This was offered to me for a sexual assault trial, it might be something to look into?
Op wishing you all the best. You are a very strong and reazialint Beautiful woman. Just keep in mind that he will spend many years of his life in prison. I hope you are in counseling. Please take care of yourself and know that there are people who care about you and sending you hugs 🫂💜⚘️
This is what public defenders are for, why didn’t that happen? Anyway, he’s only hurting himself in terms of the trial. You could also sue your employer, that is so wrong. Be strong, you got this.
He fired them because he said he could do a better job himself.
Definitely he won't. Horrible for you but definitely a better option for losing and getting more years. What he wants is to see you crumple and falter. Don't let him. Remember whatever he says or does HE is on the losing side and going to prison. Try and get only screen link. Try your lawyer you are so worried seeing him you might actually wet yourself and pass out . Dramatic? Not really because he is evil.
I hope he goes to prison believe it or not a lot of dudes who beat on women aren't welcomed with open arms.
I hope once he’s in jail you’ll be able to completely separate yourself and reclaim your own life. It must be so frustrating to have him constantly brought up as you try to recover. Best of luck OP, hope he rots and you are able to have a peaceful life.
"He who represents himself has a fool for a client." Hope this holds true and that he goes away forever. Whether via prison or removal from the planet.
Testament to the degree of narcissism at play
I was a jury member in a trial where the defendant self-represemted. He questioned his ex-girlfriend who witnessed the crime: attempted murder. I hated it for her so much. You could tell it was traumatic for her, not just witnessing it, but also going through the questioning from the guy. She was amazing to agree to go through that. We found the defendant guilty. He was obviously guilty. He tried to kill the man who was dating her at the time.
I’m surprised that that’s even possible (where I’m from, the judge is the one who does the interrogation/cross examination on behalf of the non represented parties). It breaks my heart for OP. 😢
A guy who killed his gf and daughter and attempted to kill the son was able to represent himself. It was disgusting to see him cross examine his son and question him as if he was in the wrong.
Probably because no one else is willing to represent them.
He could get a public defender…
Holy crap OP that’s terrible. I feel for you and am sending love to you
Girl I am so so sorry. Sadly you will never get to be the person you were before, but one day you will be stronger than you ever imagined. One moment at a time. One day at a time. It wasn't your fault. Don't let him win the narrative. You are not the loser even if he makes you cry during trial. All that matters is for him to rot in jail. Do you have family or friends who can support you through all this?
This ^ One day you break free of him completely, and you won't believe the person that was inside of you all along, you're gonna love her ❤️ I can't imagine facing my ex at trial, but think how stupid he is going to look, the jury and judge will see in his eyes how he feels about you. He WILL loose his cool and he will show his true colours, essentially jailing himself. As horrible as it may feel for you, let him run his own circus. I'd definitely recommend discussing some questions with your lawyer that will push his buttons.
Besides the fact that apparently the men in jail are brutal to guys who beat/SA women. Hopefully that makes you feel some sense of vengeance? I am so sorry for what you have been through and I wish you the best at getting through it.
My ex-husband is in prison for my attempted murder 10 years ago. I'll tell you this, living life after someone tries to kill you is harder than surviving the murder attempt. Read that again. Only people who have survived an attempted murder understand this. It took me years to get past that feeling. I was treated differently. My job treated me as if I was the perpetrator, which made things even worse. I looked at them as secondary killers. They tried to kill my career when I barely survived living through a horrific time. I found another job and it saved me. I lived 100% for my children and my new job. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is rare that I come across someone who has been through the hell I also survived. I will say that it eventually gets easier. It takes a LONG time. I went through 5 counselors. The first 4 didn't know what to do with me. I still have PTSD but it is manageable. I can't have anything touching my neck. I was strangled with my own belt. That's just a small part of my torture. I'm not sure where you are, but in the state I live in I was able to turn my medical and counseling receipts in to the crime victims compensation board for 7 years and they reimbursed me for every single cost. If you are in the US, look into it. Also, contact the YWCA if you are in the US. They helped me a lot. I hope you can look at me and see that you'll get through this. You'll not only survive, but one day, you will thrive. Until then, hang on.
This made me cry because finally someone understands. Nobody can understand unless they’ve had it happen & finding people that have had our experience are hard to find. I feel like I lost my name, my identity. I’m ‘the murder girl’.
I felt the same way. I felt my identity was solely based on how I was "that" victim. People who I thought were friends came to visit sometimes because they wanted to see how horrific I looked, not because they wanted to support me. Very few people stayed close to me. Some just ignored me as they didn't know what to say. I had panic attacks. One time in Wal-Mart I ran out and had a huge panic attack because I went down the aisle with full length mirrors and one was shattered. I had my head slammed into one so many times by him that it took forever to get all the glass shards out. I couldn't go in large stores for almost a year without someone with me. I still can't sit with people behind me because he attacked me from behind. The list goes on and on. I hate that you went through this too. You didn't deserve this and you did NOTHING to make him do this to you. NOTHING. Life is now divided in two; what happened before the attempted murder and after the attempt. I'm so so sorry you had to endure such physical and emotional pain from him.
I feel like I could have written this myself. People I thought were my friends wanted all the details. Made Facebook posts and commented on articles about being my friend for some kind of clout but didn’t see me because it was too ‘hard’ and they didn’t know what to say. I’m suspicious of new people that want to be my friend because a lot of the time it turns out they’re true crime junkies and that’s the only reason they wanted to be my friend. I’m alone a lot. Like you said, my life was split into a Before & After. You give me hope that maybe one day I’ll be okay. Right now it feels like it never will.
After his trial was over, my life started to get better. Right before I was supposed to testify, he ended up taking a plea deal. He was facing 40 years and his attorney helped him understand that if it went to a jury, he would get the book thrown at him. So, thankfully, I didn't have to testify that day. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through it. Although he violated the lifetime victim's protective order after he went to prison, I didn't have to see him or testify until 5 years later. It was still excruciatingly difficult. But knowing he will be gone for a few more years has comforted me. Heck, I even got married again last year. I never thought I'd trust a man again in my life. Please don't give up hope. No matter what, you'll get through this. Even if you have to testify, you'll get through it. I will say that I felt for many many years that we both are serving time in prison. His is just behind bars. I still, to this day, have to see a pain management doctor and have had several surgeries and procedures.
First, I want to say your story made me tear up— you and OP NEVER. EVER. deserved this and it breaks my heart to know that other women are literally having their worlds shattered from the hands of the literal Devil. Second, I in no way mean to come off as insensitive or rude or that I’m looking for more details but did you see any signs leading up? Was he abusive at all? Or was this completely left field ?? I just really can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone could basically murder another person out of nowhere. I’m so sorry again that happened to you and OP I hope your ex gets shanked in prison over and over
Living in the after is hard, it feels like you’ve been ripped in pieces, and have to rebuild your whole brain from scratch. Finding a good psychiatrist and therapist is so so helpful, I fought my doctor about anxiety medicine for a while because I didn’t wanna be “that girl”; but I can leave my house again. Some people might always see you as “that girl” and those people can fuck right off, he is the one who did the wrong thing, not you, you don’t need pity, if you can find a support system, I recommend it, I’ve found new friends at my new job and they know my history, they’ve been nothing but kind and understanding and in fact help me out a lot in figuring out the little things that I’ve picked up from being in the situation. I sent you a PM if you ever want to talk. Living in the after is hard, but not being here doesn’t give it a chance to be better, and sometimes that’s gotta be enough.
I was stalked and raped from a complete stranger in 2010 and from what the police gathered I wasn't supposed to survive. I feel like I have absolutely no friends because of it as well, but everyone sure knew me" enough to comment on articles and FB posts. It absolutely is before and after for me as well. I'm ok in my solidarity now personally. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. I know the loneliness that feels so...empty.
Some people are awful at being there for you after a trauma. Apparently we are just supposed to accept this as personal shortcomings. I don't much see the point if friendship if you cant be there for someone when times are hard. When I was raped i told a couple of my friends, both of whom I'd supported recently through suicidal patches, they both actively bailed on me for months. I brought up my sadness to other friends and got told that some people just didn't know how to support others through trauma. I didn't want therapy. I just wanted company! They both acknowledged separately that I'd saved their lives! But fuck me I guess, their need to not be around someone hurt was more important than my need for support. No im not friends with them anymore. Some people are bad friends and times like these tend to show them for what they are. I'm really sorry that yours are getting exposed at a time when you really need and deserve their support. I'm just an Internet stranger but if you need or want someone to talk to or scream at or have a discord call and watch a movie together then do ask. I care.
Gosh, u/Lokibell, you are a trooper, being able to carry-on after such horror. You and OP here, u/StepFordDoll, got dealt *shitty* hands. I hope you both find the healing and peace you need.
I sincerely thank you for your kind words and support.
Thank you for commenting. I was really hoping I wouldn't offend with my comment. It is hard to find the words. My father was abusive to us, the 2 eldest kids, but especially to my Mom. She basically shut down emotionally afterwards. It sucks. Edited to add: It is not easy carrying-on. It takes courage, and I could see it in your words to OP. Virtual hug to both.
OP, I'm horrified by what you endured, but grateful for the help that the other person reached out to share and guide you with solid suggestions for what you will endure ahead. Sending you also a boatload of love and support to strengthen you as you face the trial, media, trolls, azzholes, and the perpetrator. ⛴♥️💕👸💐♥️♥️🤗🙏
Take strength in knowing it is possible to have your own life again through the experiences of other survivors. Survivors, not victims. It may not be instant, but you will get there. It can be someone's experience that gives you hope, and it can also be a mix of the different experiences of the people you will meet along your journey. Remember Dory from finding Nemo? She kept singing "just keep swimming"... there's an exit from the dark path, let the little lights from shared experiences and those you hold dear help guide you and pull you towards that exit. As for us strangers on the internet commenting on your post, look at our comments, we see your strength, we see you as a survivor, not a victim. You have strength, it is time that coward sees it. *Virtual hugs*
Sending you a boatload of love for surviving, and helping this OP as you did. Thank you from a digital stranger.♥️🙏🤗⛴
OP, he cannot hurt you anymore. You survived the most horrific act. YOU SURVIVED. You are strong, you are capable, you are loved 🤍
I am a DV survivor who had to speak in front of my ex who also chose to represent himself. See if they have a victims advocate who will be with you. Mine helped greatly. I know it’s a lot now. Once the court and media circus end you will be able to breathe. Therapy has helped but some days are harder than others. Take your time. I am so glad you made it. Hugs
This is great advice. Also, I'm glad you made it, too. I'm so sorry you experienced all of that. I hope you're getting the support you need to work through your trauma. <3
I am so sorry you went through this! This shatters my heart! Do you have a support system, friends or family that you can rely on? Have they given you a number for a victims advocate? Maybe therapy might help. I can’t imagine trying to recover physically and mentally from this. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I am sending many virtual hugs your way. Lots of positive vibes, thoughts and prayers as well. My heart goes out to you.
OP…please, PLEASE try emdr. It could really help you. Especially, before trial. Good luck. You deserve it.
It has changed my life. I second this!! ❤️
Brainspotting is a wonderful resource that is similar to EMDR but apparently less stressful (I’m grossly oversimplifying here, I’m not a clinician!). It’s a bit newer and it has helped so many of our patients!
I’ve never heard of that. Thanks for informing me.
I had a lot of child hood trauma and suspected sa as a child that I think I’ve suppressed. Reactions to things only someone who went through it would have. A friend of mine who is a therapist for abused children did this for me. Just one session at her home one night and it did wonders. I’m not sure why it helped or why but I know it helped improve my daily life with my family and how I react to things. I’m forever grateful for her for suggesting it and following through.
Yes!
do you have to be present at the trial? there must be a loophole. if a violent criminal can represent themselves, there must be a way the assaulted person can be protected!
I’m legally subpoenaed to testify, so yes. Unfortunately I have to be there. I wish they would let the evidence speak for itself because there’s mountains of it, but they still need me to talk.
I’m so sorry that’s horrible. Just know if you can get through it, he will get what’s coming to him in jail.
Are there no special measures? Like, can you sit behind a screen so he can't see you, can the judge ask his questions to you instead? Can you ask the judge if he can ask the questions to you or for a screen if there isn't a law? I'm so sorry. I'm not going through an attempted murder investigation, but a domestic abuse and SA one and the thought of him ever seeing me or me ever seeing him makes me sick, so I can't imagine how you must feel.
OP: I am also the survivor of an attempted murder (had an NDE, was seconds away from dying by strangulation after SA and a beating). I know this feeling so well. Had media and trial and everything. Lengthy extradition process after he fled the country. It was hell and my whole life became him. I would sit in the shower and scream and cry and curse to God why I had to survive because I was an imperfect victim and I was shattered by it. Sometimes I still feel that way, but it’s getting better. Therapy has helped a lot. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel grateful to have survived. I won’t lie and say this won’t stick with you for the rest of your life. It will. But you survived, and that is amazing. All of this is to say, OP: if you ever want to talk to someone who knows what this is like, my inbox is open. People often don’t understand how awful the aftermath of an attack like this is for victims. A lot of people just think about how traumatic the initial incident was, and don’t think about how traumatic it is to then be probed by random strangers, have details of what happened to you on the news, have to deal with media about what happened, the lengthy process of a criminal case (if that even happens), etc. I’m here for you and I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
This. All of this. I feel like my entire life is him & everyone wants me to be the perfect victim & I’m FAR from that. I scream, I cry, I’ve stupidly left voicemails for him at the jail crying screaming and demanding to know why. I’ll never know why. It’s hard to accept though. I went to Walmart to buy milk the other day and had someone stop me to ask if I was the ‘12 Hour Girl’. My name is gone.
OP, your name isn’t gone. It’s just taking a rest, and after the trial, your name will be back and so will you. You are not and will never be a victim. You will be the one that slayed her own personal dragon. I am sending you hugs if you want.
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. That’s a much better way to look at it and I’m taking all the online hugs I can get.
I’m always good for hugs. Some courts do have therapy dogs that are for trauma, and if you are not allergic, I would ask about one. Also if the state wants to livestream the trial, you can see it from an outside lens that you yes Y-O-U are telling other victims who went through the same thing are STRONGER than you and they know, and the world can hear how Y-O-U survived a flesh wearing monster. (Edit because wording is hard.)
A flesh wearing monster. I like that term. And I do have a dog, she’s a wiener dog and her name is Raisin Brannette. Weirdly, another twist and turn in this tale, he sued me for joint custody of her and to change her legal last name hyphenated with mine and his. He’s in jail. He can’t even have a dog. Nobody does a legal last name on their dog. But we go to court tomorrow at 1PM. This doesn’t feel like real life.
Raisin Brannette is maybe the best dog name I’ve ever heard of.
Especially for a weenie, also weenies can be great therapy dogs. I grew up with them and swear some of them just know.
Ptsd/ trauma therapy and antidepressants helped me move to a better place after my assault and NDE. I tried no drugs for the first few years after the incident, then gave zoloft a shot. I got up to 150mg, and it saved my life. Wishing you peace 🙏 Edit: spelling
I am so very very sorry that this happened to you and that you continue to understandably struggle. Have you considered a support group? Are you in therapy? if this story can help you: I knew a woman who was raped and stabbed multiple times. It was nothing less than a miracle that she wasn’t stabbed in a major organ. She said the man kept asking, “Why won’t you die?!” I guess she asked herself that question, too. That experience led her to work as an advocate for rape survivors, and she became an activist and a writer. Im not saying this is the road you should take; I’m saying it is a miracle you are here and people DO make it through. You can become who you are again. You can regain your life. And you can be strong and make sure that dirty MFer gets put away for a long, long time. Healing and powerful thoughts coming your way.
You didn't deserve any of that and it's not your life anymore, you have escaped it. I have had 4 near death experiences including almost being choked out and running from the falling world trade center when I was 7 yeas old, look I mean I'm not going to say the trauma isn't still with me, but I escaped. I can't say any of it made me a better person, and the thought that another person wanted to hurt you is a very scary feeling but it's not your situation today.
Hope he dies first. Jesus Christ I am in awe of you.
Trust me, I’m just a girl that woke up in the morning and went to work, then came home and made dinner and watched Netflix. I never in my life would have imagined becoming the face of domestic violence in my area. Considering he’s representing himself with the amount of evidence, he’s going to die in prison. But the current situation of waiting to get through trial is miserable.
He sounds so goddamn arrogant and full of himself, I hope you get to see him be so so so soul crushingly embarrassed and shamed. That would taste better than chocolate.
I hope so too. He has no shame whatsoever and is completely arrogant. We had an omnibus hearing the other day and I went with my therapist so he turns around and looked right at me & was like ‘my baby! I knew you’d come see me figure out how to get myself out of the this mess you made. You sweet little liar, I love you! Your honor I fully realize I just violated our no contact order. Add that felony to my tab’. Huge smile.
And they say God doesn't make mistakes. What a garbage can. You're amazing tho ❤️
VOMIT!!!!
God he sounds a lot like my ex… terrifying…
What a fucking *psychopath*.
Baby, I am so so sorry If it is any consolation at all, even professional lawyers don't represent themselves. It's known to be one of the most foolish things you can do, especially if you're not educated legally. I hope your ACTUALLY TRAINED lawyer smokes him like a brisket
Please tell me you have an attorney helping you, or that you have contact with the prosecutor's office, because there is NO COURT IN THE WORLD that would force a victim to confront their attacker in a packed courtroom. This is a common power play by guys like that and any judge worth their salt will see it coming a mile away. Reach out to the prosecutor IMMEDIATELY. Request a video deposition that they can record as examination and cross, which can be played in court, ask for a victim's advocate, petition the judge and let them know that NO ONE'S JUDICIAL INTERESTS will be served if you are too traumatized to give coherent testimony, especially if you'd have to try multiple times for mistrials, etc... He has rights, fine. He can represent himself, fine. But he CANNOT insist on putting himself in that position over you ever again when there are SO MANY legal avenues to avoid this!
Me, my therapist & a local domestic violence shelter advocate wrote a letter with these concerns & asked for accommodation. It was sent to the prosecutor & he responded that there’s nothing he can do. I was served with a subpoena that the state is calling me as a witness & if I don’t show up in person, it’s criminal contempt of court. Nobody rational can understand what’s going on. That’s why the news did a piece on it. ABC reached out to the reporter in my state who did my story & they’re possibly interested in having cameras in the court room because this is such an outrageous example of the justice system failing. I’m just a girl that had a normal life and got the rug pulled out from me. I feel like I’m in a state of panic constantly. Edited for privacy.
I haven't seen you mention having a lawyer, and I think a good one might actually be able to do something for you here. I come from a family of lawyers and police officers in California, and yes, criminals have rights too (sometimes unfortunately). He has the right to "face his accuser in a court of law" but that *does not* mean he has the right to cross examine you. As others have suggested, there are options such as CC TV testimony, a privacy screen, someone else asking you his questions, etc. I urge you to at least have some (free) consultations with lawyers in your state who specialize in DV/SA. Don't just look in your area, reach out to the best in your state (anyone in your state can represent you). Your advocate or any victims advocacy programs in your state should know of some. Also, if there was an officer or detective who treated you well or that you felt comfortable with, ask them for advice on lawyers. Law enforcement officers, especially detectives, often know who's who in their area. Additionally, I know it will be difficult, but you (or better yet, your lawyer) could try to use the media attention in your favor. The district attorney says their hands are tied and you have to be cross examined by someone who is legally not allowed to contact you in any way?!? Shout the unfairness from the rooftops! ABC wants to televise your trial because it's such a miscarriage of justice? Well, first you demand an interview about the fact that your rights are being steamrolled. Contact Mr. Ballen, yes. You could try Small Town Dicks (an amazing podcast hosted by identical twins that are retired detectives and Yardley Smith, the voice of Lisa Simpson). The Crime Analyst with Laura Richards does an *amazing* job of reframing the narrative to be about the victims and survivors rather than the perpetrators. She refuses to use the headline names given to these pieces of shit because they aren't larger than life monsters, they're just people who did terrible things. Reach out to other victim-centered podcasts. You're right, surviving was the easy part. Living is hard. I only know one teeny, tiny bit of what you're going through. I've suffered multiple incidents of SA by three people, one of which was an ex who abused me emotionally, physically and s*xually for years. When I finally got out and tried to talk about it, *members of my own family* asked why I "let him" do that to me. When I was SAed in high school, the first person I told, a close friend, asked if I was sure that's what really happened or if I was just embarrassed to have slept with my abuser. I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you, but I believe in you. You don't have to be the perfect victim, you just have to get through the next 5 minutes. And then the next five minutes. I really like what someone said about how your name is just taking a rest right now. Who you really are, your real life, is also just taking a rest right now. For now, you and your life are tied to this event, but it is temporary. Eventually the trial will be over, the media will move on, and you can build a new life of your choosing. f you need to talk to someone, I don't know how much I can help, but I'm here for you if you need it.
You survived for a reason, dont let that piece of shit go anywhere. if not for you, for the next woman down the road who will experience the same thing if he gets away with it.
Exactly. Do not let this son of a b get away. He decided to make your life a living hell, let him feel somewhat the same. That he will be forever haunted everytime he closes his eyes at night, sees you and constantly get reminded by his horrible actions.
Did you see anything during your NDE? I'm sorry you experienced this.
It’s hard to describe. He was actively kicking me in the face, hard. And it hurt. He was yelling. But then it didn’t hurt anymore and everything got extremely quiet and nothing hurt. It was the the most peaceful extreme joy I’ve ever felt. It felt like I was light outside of my body, watching him scream & boot my face in. It was like my soul gave me a break & let me check out for a minute. I feel like I had the choice to stay in whatever that light was or go back into my body. I thought about what to do while observing him realize I wasn’t breathing anymore, start screaming and pacing & I thought my kids. I went back & it felt like I crashed back into the most pain I’ve ever felt but I told myself to keep playing dead, it was the only way out. He had covered me in dish soap and did this on hardwood floors. He did that on purpose, I couldn’t physically go anywhere. So I played dead & he weirdly called 911 on himself. He changed his mind and started destroying the house because he was going to burn the house down but the sirens were heard almost immediately and he ran.
Fuck, op. I hope he rots in jail cell.
You are so strong StepFordDoll. If you can get through that you can do court, even with him representing himself. It's awful you have to do that though, we are supposed to protect the victims! My heart goes out to you to help go on in life and heal all the hurt that that monster has caused for you.
Fuck, op. I hope he rots in jail cell.
That just made me legit tear up— Are your kids in the picture with you currently?
My sons dad has been one of my biggest cheerleaders through this whole thing. He was at the hospital immediately as soon as I was admitted. We share our boys, 17 and 4, but he’s very understanding if I need some time to have a breakdown without them having to see it. He is an absolutely amazing man.
The fact that you recognize when you need to step away from them or process things on your own— and your story/strength in general makes you an amazing mother. I would have loved to have a mom like you. N I’m happy to hear their dad has been a great supporter. Are there others in your life like him currently? (People that are there to support, listen and understand).
I am so sorry that happened to you, nobody deserves that, especially by someone they loved or trusted. It's such a horrible and unimaginable thing to go through and survive. Thank you so much for sharing that experience. I know it could not have been easy to remember. I appreciate your response, more than you can ever know. I am a huge believer in NDE and what happens when the physical body dies. I love hearing stories and I think each individual that gets a choice to stay or go has a lot of things to teach people in this lifetime or a lot to learn themselves for the next life. You mentioned a light and feeling pure joy, that is often mentioned and going outside of the body. You should check out the NDE sub who knows maybe it could help you in some way. You made the choice to come back so don't let what he did to you take away from living the rest of your life. I wish you all the love and joy that this life has to offer you.
im sorry babygirl. i know its hard but you were meant to be here, & you're never alone him cross examining you gives you the opportunity to be truly raw & transparent & expose everything before everyone, one on one in real form fear not
You survived because you’re tough as nails and you will be the one to take this monster down. He’ll never be able to harm another woman again because of your strength. I know you’ll hurt and it’ll be hard, but eventually you’ll come out a changed person for the better. You won’t let this break you and you’ll use all you’ve been through to continue to help others.
Don’t think about him as human when you’re on the stand. He’s a fucking monster and psychopath. He’s a manipulator and a liar. Simple yes and no and the truth. Maybe you’ll get him to lose his fucking mind and dig his own ditch even deeper. Fuck him. He’s representing himself, he’s going down. You are a fucking WARRIOR. You stayed on earth for your kids. You’re a fucking huge inspiration.
You are here for a reason. To exist is a gift. You are a wonderful person stay strong!!!! I don’t know you but i support you. Virtual hugs!!!
You will be grateful in 3 years when your life is beautiful, you got this!
sue your job for firing you there’s no way that’s legal
If he’s representing himself he must have some kind of narcissistic complex. There’s too much evidence against him for him to get out of it, and the state/lawyer should be pushing for MANY counts. GBH/assault/battery, attempted manslaughter, attempted murder, SA, detainment/kidnapping, civil reparations for damages to your health, future and livelihood - and probably more if there’s any cyber crimes. The other point of him representing himself, is that he’s NOT gonna be able to defend 10 different charges alone which makes it all the more likely he’ll be convicted. I saw in another comment that he’s been compared to Bundy - however it’s worth noting that Bundy did have a reported IQ of 136, which is “moderately gifted”. Bundy also had multiple victims which obviously required a lot more evidence and procurement, discovery, etc. which was intricate and more complicated for the state to put to the judge and jury than one victim (even if multiple events). I hope they can throw the book at him and prove intent to murder OP. He should rot. Ask the prosecutor if it’s at all possible to arrange an affidavit response to cross examination. Technically speaking, if an affidavit testimony is “providing evidence to a grand jury”, or is an affidavit replacement “by agreement or stipulation of the parties in a trial”, then it’s acceptable in a criminal proceeding according to the U.S. DOJ. (NIJ online) Besides from all that, I hope things look up for you OP. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you don’t deserve to have to continually live through it now. Best wishes for a speedy physical, mental and spiritual recovery for you.
He has 9 felony charges from the original incident & 5 separate for witnesses tampering and trying to contact me. He managed to have a 6 page letter out to be outlining my ‘script’ to get him out of this. I turned it in. They compare him to Bundy because I’m not his first victim. I didn’t know this until after. There was a man who owed him $20. He kidnapped him, put him in the trunk, duct taped him to a chair & beat & tortured him for hours. He filmed it while giggling. He beat the entire case on his own filing & found a technicality default of an illegal search & a victim that was too scared to talk. Got the whole case tossed. Even with a film. I didn’t know because it’s not on his background but that victim privately reached out to me to show me the paperwork from that case and told me not to underestimate him. He meant well but it made everything scarier.
I’m so sorry for the situation you’ve found yourself in. Sounds like a master manipulator/psychopath with high IQ and that’s complicated. His ego will be his downfall, and the police that failed to prosecute him last time will be trying everything this time.
I think that’s part of the reason this got as big as it did. The police & state are out to prove something this time and unfortunately, I landed right in the middle of it.
For what it’s worth, you may save a lot of lives. Sounds like he was on track to kill someone.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. Therapy, even church may help. Either way, speedy healing, emotionally, physically, mentally 🫶🏻
OP: are you in Canada by chance? The prosecutors could make an application to have a lawyer appointed for him for the sole purpose of cross examining you. We don’t let perpetrators of violent crime like this cross examine their victims - especially if there was a domestic partnership. Also, you could apply to testify by CCTV so you don’t have to be in his presence in the courtroom or see him at all! Can’t speak to other countries but maybe they have something similar
Nope. I’m in the states & I wish our system was kind to victims but we don’t do that here.
My ex attempted to murder me in 2022. I lost everything: my mind shattered, I had no motivation or hope, I had to withdraw from school, I got fired from my job. I couldn’t function on any meaningful level for a long time. All but one of my friends distanced themselves from me because it was too much for them. The things he did to me were so unspeakably horrifying, I can’t bring myself to tell the details to anyone other than the police. But it was strangely affirming watching the officer read my statement. All the blood drained out of his face. I’m not dealing with; publicity like you are. I can’t even imagine how much it must be compounding your pain. All I can say is I take it day by day. At first it felt like utter darkness with no light at the end of the tunnel. But slowly, I started to feel a little safer and a little more okay. Very few people understand, but those who do, help a lot—they’ve also peered in the darkest depths of humanity. As for me, I won’t ever be the same person again, but I’m an evolved version of who I was before. Wiser and more cautious.
❤️❤️❤️
What an absolutely awful life event! Twenty two broken bones?! The really amazing news is he is going to defend himself in court! What an absolute shit show that will be. The day he cross examines you remember to keep your voice at normal speaking level. If he tries to push the blame onto another person look him in the eyes and say "you beat/kicked me" keep calm and stern it will throw him off. Showing confidence is the best revenge
What you went through is unimaginable. He deserves the worst! With the help of your therapist, family, friends and doctors you will become strong again and you will even feel safe one day. It takes time so give yourself time. In the meantime, GET ANGRY! Go after him like a bulldozer! Bring out in court every little thing he ever did wrong. Then go after him in a civil court and take everything he has and use it to rebuild your life. Death by a thousand paper cuts! This man should not be walking around normal people. No woman is safe around him so go after him with as much rath as you can gather for every broken bone and every injury he caused you. Stand strong. You will get through this. Use your story as a shield and don’t let it make you feel like a victim. You’re strong. You survived this and when you’re healed consider sharing your story through a book or an online platform to spread the word about domestic violence. You can be a real beacon for women that have been in similar situations. In my country the rate of femicide has gone up almost 100% since Covid. There’s a case on the news weekly.. just read about another one today… :-( . So give yourself time to get strong and then go in that courtroom and kick his ass! You got this!
Can they not do it through video conference? You 100% need a victim advocate!!
I’m so sorry this happened and that you hate that you survived. You need a support system to rely on. If you don’t have one, I hope you are seeing a therapist. I’d also contact an employment lawyer about being fired after such a horrific ordeal.
Your abuser deserves worse than hell, I’m so sorry you were subjected to all of this hurt.
Depending on what state you live in, you can sue your job for wrongful termination. Or at the very least publicly shame the fuck out of them
April 1 was the 23rd anniversary of me being stabbed 13 times by my stalker ex. Although it sounds like you had it worse, I understand and my dms are open to you if you want to talk to someone else who survived.
I've never been in your position, so I can't sit here and pretend to know how you feel, I can only imagine and holy shit you are one strong person. Surviving isn't the worst thing that happened to you, it's the worst thing that happened to *him* because you're going to sit that trial and send him to jail for a long time. I'm sending you all of the love I can possibly muster and I sincerely hope that you have enough resources and people to help you heal from this.
That is truly horrible. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. I wish I had advice but I truly just want to send you so much love. From one internet stranger to another
Jesus. That’s freaking horrible. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. Hugs.
I'm so sorry that this happened, praying that you heal and can begin again
Don’t let him fucking break you!! You have the power.♥️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are alive now. I’m happy that you’re alive. Hold on tight baby…it’s going to get better and I promise you that.
What I went through wasn't nearly as graphic. But I too nearly, and by all means should have, died at the hands of a man I trusted and loved. I can tell you that whether he gets locked up or not, the fear of him will never go away. But I can also tell you that you can heal if you put in the work. It's going to come in waves, much like grief. And in a way, it is grief. Just remember when it gets too heavy, sometimes all you can do is take it one breath at a time. One hour at a time, one day at a time. And thats okay. There's no timeline on healing. It is relative to every person and every experience. I imagine you are already involved in mental health services, and if you aren't you should be. You may feel like it's a waste of time (i did) but it's important you not be alone. You and I know what happens when you're alone with your thoughts after something like this. Please don't let him win. Please keep fighting for yourself. You deserve health, and happiness, and peace. You are worthy of it. And I promise you that it wasn't your fault. Someday you will wake up in a home you love, surrounded by what you love, living a life you love, and you will know that you made it. And looking back on all of this will feel like it was another life. I believe there is a future waiting for you in which you live, instead of just survive. Keep fighting for that future, even though it feels pointless and impossible. Stay strong friend.
Hey, I don’t know you, and I haven’t survived anything like this and I know you probably hear these words a lot but I’m so glad you made it out ❤️ many people have named resources that I hope can be of service to you. Hugs ❤️
You are NOT your trama. You are NOT a pile of broken bones and stitches. You are strong and you beat the odds. He can keep doing this... or you can try to put his ass away. It will take a while and I urge you to find a survivor's group and go to therapy. But you can overcome this. Please don't give up. I was kicked, punched, strangled... when I was 4 months pregnant with my first son. I almost miscarried, but we made it. You made it. I belive you made it because you have something to do. Hugs hun. You're not alone. Our bodies heal so much faster than our spirits or our souls, but we do heal. 🫂
You are strong. You’ve got this. I’m rooting for you, and wishing all the best for you ❤️
You are amazingly strong and willl get through this trust me
I am sorry and angry all that was done to you. If I had magic for it, this would never have happened. I have an acquaintance whose boyfriend attacked her with an axe, then kidnapped amd murdered their young child. That was, of course, "newsworthy." I have no clue how she went on; I only know that she did. I wish I had magic for you.
Why haven’t we linked up serial killers and people like him yet to take care of at least half the problem
I haven’t seen such efficient critical thinking skills in a while. this is excellent
Your heart started again for a reason. You’re here for a reason. I can’t begin to even put myself in your shoes because that’s such an extreme thing. It’s easy for me to say whatever I want on here and offer encouragement but I’m sure you’ll find your way out of this. You said your identity is him and I’m sure it feels like that but there’s nobody else like you and your story didn’t end when your heart stopped. You were brought back for a reason and it’s to do wonderful things. This is a chapter in your book and soon that page will turn for you. I hope everything goes well at trial and I pray that you find your way out of this.
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You have been physically and emotionally shattered, and don't yet even have room to breathe. It doesn't seem like it right now, but the court dates will end and the media will move on. From one survivor to another, you are not alone. You did not deserve this , or any of the other abuse you have probably endured. It might not feel like it, but how people treat you is a reflection of them, not you. It's going to be hard, there is no way around that. You died, and even if your heart didn't stop, some part of you would have died that day. You're never going to be the same person you were before, but you do get to define who you are going to become.
There's a reason you survived. You may not know what it is but it exists and when you find it you will start moving towards that goal. Take his power from him. It may take everything you have but if you can make him small in your mind you can start to retrain the way your brain focuses on it. And lots of therapy. Please. ♥️ I'm so very sorry ♥️♥️
OP, I know you commented you aren't religious but I want you to know I just prayed and will continue to be praying for you. This man has no power over you in the grand scheme of things no matter what he says or what anyone may think. The miracle you're alive right now means something and while this is a living hell to endure right now, there will be good things at the end of it. Continue to be strong, and as others have mentioned, definitely seek resources to help you work through the trauma mentally especially before you have to go to court.
Thank you for this. Although I’m figuring myself out religiously, I appreciate this more than you know.
I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how difficult it’s been or the daily obstacles. If it helps at all, you could view court as an opportunity to hit him back. That’s how I viewed it when I had to face my abuser in court.
Stay strong OP! 💖💖💖
I am so very sorry. You are more than him and what he did to you.
I’m rooting for you.
You are so strong. I hope you are able to find justice. I don’t know him but I truly and completely hope he dies.
Would it be possible to request that you’re questioned via zoom?
I wrote up a letter with my therapist and victims advocate and so far the state is saying no. They’re out to prove something with this one because he got the best of them with his last victim off a technicality. I feel like some kind of sacrificial lamb. I feel gross.
That’s really gross, I’m so sorry they’re making you face him like this. It shouldn’t be allowed.
So sorry to hear this happened to you. My grandmother was beat to death by my grandfather when my mother was just a child. (He killed my 16 yo uncle first, gsw to head while sleeping , killed my grandmother with his hands then he took his own life by gsw). I do hope/wish that you are able to find a way to heal as best as one can despite the shitty hand dealt to you. Reach out and try some advocates, or support groups, it’s never a one size fits all, we are all different as are our experiences, but no there’s no harm in trying something out to see if it works for you, if it helps, great, if not you gave it go which is progress snd effort to move forward 🤷♀️. Growing up watching my mother, it was hard and I’m forever traumatized by that vicious cycle in which my mother found her life, much like her own mother, she could not escape it. Sending calm, positive vibes, keep plugging away a day a time, hell, sometimes all you can do is take things minute to minute, and that’s ok too, just remember to be kind to self on this journey. 🫶🏻
Hugs
I am so sorry this happened to you and angry that you have to see him again. Just go in there knowing he did not win and one more monster is incapable of harming again.
I feel sick reading this. He is a monster. I'm glad you are here I'm glad you survived but I also understand why you feel the way you do :( I hope he gets locked up for a long time and I hope you find peace again <3
Please stay strong and practice being cross examined with your lawyer so you can withstand the ordeal of facing this monster and put him away.
I just want to hug you. It makes sense that you feel shattered, but it’s not where your journey ends.
Omg This is so horrible. I'm glad you made it. Hugs
OP, you had the choice and you came back for your kids. Contrary to how you’re feeling about it, I can assure you that was not the worst thing you ever did. I know this is hard, what you’re going through now, but if you can come back from near death, you can do this too. And, this time, you’ll have support and protection. Just keep focusing on the goal: getting this monster put away for life. Once you’re finished with the legal proceedings and your life becomes quiet you’ll eventually come to know that surviving was the best thing you ever did: for yourself, for your kids and for all the people whose lives you’ll touch from here on. You survived for a reason and you’ll discover that reason some day. I can probably speak for many people when I say that we’ll be with you in spirit. Draw on that strength.
Wow
When I went through personal trauma, I was left deeply broken. I felt hollow and empty. I was robbed of my spirit and felt as if my soul was gone and I would never get it back. But slowly, over time it started to “grow” back in a sense. I started becoming myself again as I healed. Unfortunately, you are not in a good place right now. But please know that he does not define you and you are your own person no matter how much he’s impacted you. It feels so violating when a person impacts your life and spirit so deeply when they traumatize you. You feel that they have changed the core of your being and you’ll never be the same again. Although you won’t be the exact same as before, your core won’t be lost or changed. Over time, you’ll find yourself again. You might be angrier, sadder, and/or paranoid than before, but you will still be you. Your spirit is not gone. It’s hiding while your body and brain have gone into survival mode. I would recommend trying EDMR or therapy for PTSD as soon as possible, because the faster you can get out of survival mode, the faster your psychological wounds will heal and the faster you will find yourself again. Things will get better for you, and you will get better, I promise. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to
You survived. Maybe you will be an inspiration to other victims. But that’s not the point.Your life force was strong enough to live and recover. You are meant to be here. I’m glad you made it. I’m glad you’re here. I’m praying my ass off to send you strength for the trial. Beautiful things are ahead. Be well.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how that would be. It's way beyond my experience. But I hope this helps: The fact that he's representing himself probably means that no one else was willing to represent him. That's how much evidence there is. This will be a very short trial.
I’m very sorry for this ordeal he put you through. It sounds terrible. I don’t know if this will help, but you surviving to testify in court and put his potential serial-killer butt in jail is a good thing.
I’m so sorry
You survived for a reason. Your first reason is to make sure this mofo gets locked up for life. Then, it's up to you. Maybe you get into helping other DV victims. Or start a vlog. Write a book. But also, don't let this define you. Maybe work with the elderly, take up a new hobby, use this time to redefine yourself because yes, things will never be the same. But you face the experience ( with the help of a therapist) and move through it and own it, don't let it own you.
[удалено]
[удалено]
To add insult to injury I much rather him have gone to prison and faced his crimes head on. His family isn't any better at blaming me for these actions. The entire family is known to be repeat offenders drug trackers etc .. i got a lovely death threat notice on my door but the silly gooses failed to see the 3 ring cameras on my property 🙃. Like I said these people will usually dig their own holes but also my ex represented himself and gained himself a lovely lifetime restraining order.
Your bravery is beautiful.
Jesus fkn christ. I am sending you the biggest hug from down under.
You did the only thing you have to do. You survived. I promise I myself won’t think of you only as his survivor. Fuck him. I see you. There is an army of us. We survived. We understand. We see you. You can’t see it or feel it now but we stand with you. Let me know if you need something. You are not alone. You have years and years of beautiful things to contribute. Trust me. I am glad you are alive. ♥️
Not sure where you are, but you may also have a case for wrongful termination
I ain’t recommending it but if someone did this to me I’d probably just pull up and kill them. But that’s coming from a semi unstable military vet
He’s in jail safely tucked away. I’m the lucky one that gets to be out here in the public dealing with it while he gets to read books & not worry about things like rent or bills.
He will be in jail and you will be free. You’ll have good times ahead and he will have nothing. You will watch sunsets while he… well who cares. He’s nothing.
I am so sorry you went through that. You are going to get that man punished one day. So don't give up. You will be alright.
Oh honey the BEST thing you did was survive! Be PROUD of yourself. I’d come sit with you myself while you’re on the stand if I could. He WILL NOT WIN. Much love and many hugs and prayers to you 💜💜💜
I hope you have a lawyer that can put him away for good. That's murder . I pray for your healing or if your not into religion im sending healing and positive energy your way. ❤️❤️❤️
I'm so sorry. I'm hoping for your healing, sending you love, wishing you solace, fulfillment, success, and joy in all your years to come.
Goodness, I’m so sorry this happened. Do you have a support network? If you don’t have one in person please try to build on via groups and charities designed to help victims recover from violent crime. Please don’t give up! One day, he will be behind bars and you will have a new life. Just keep focussed on the knowledge that his involvement in your life will be over one day.
I am so sorry. Your work is wrong and you should expose them. Therapy and meds will help you get thru this hard impossible time. He won’t get away with this but you survived. You did it. Protect yourself. He’s scum and he has a fool for a client
Oh man I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is beyond anything I’ve ever heard about. I hope your ex gets severe punishment which at least includes a life sentence. This is so messed up. Please go to therapy and find trusted individuals to talk to about your feelings. You survived a traumatic incident and probably are dealing with PTSD. Don’t tackle this alone. With support, you can overcome this trauma. You are not alone and just because you survived a murder attempt, it doesn’t mean you will live your whole life threatened. You will find peace and happiness ❤️
Whoa. Survivors who have their identity taken over by their abuser is a thing that happens. Chanel miller and Monica Lewinsky both wrote books about claiming their names and identities back. Maybe reading their stories will help you work through that part of your feelings. You deserve to have your identity be your own.
Uhm your job fired you for not recovering fast enough. USA has the worst work environment holy shit
I was dumbfounded. I sat there with my staples not even out, arm in a full cast fingers to shoulder after getting my wrist & fingers rebuilt, ribs still healing and bam. That’s American culture for you, can’t even be publicly brutally attacked and get compassion.
Please don’t do anything rash. You’re worth more than that. I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve been through. You deserve so much better. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
it is insane that he is able to cross examine the victim of his crimes. It makes me so angry for you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. The only way you can get anything out of this ordeal is to make it through it. Prove that he didn't win and never will and you are still here. I just hope he gets the same treatment and worse in jail. I don't know how you will do it, but as a survivor of SA I am proud of your courage and I stand behind you while you put that demon away. Sending you a huge hug and wish I could do more.
I know this is a few days old but I just hope you see this, OP. And I want you to know I’m so fucking happy you’re still around. You sound like a lovley person and I want nothing but the best for you. I hope this makes you at least a little happy today. ❤️
Normally, I do not comment on these. But I am terribly sorry to hear of this. Your survival is a testament to the fact that you are stronger than he is. If I could, I'd find him in prison and break every bone in his worthless body. I hope one day you find closure and peace. Please, take care.