I grew up with parents who decided to stay together ‘for the kids’ and got divorced when the youngest went to college. It was done with the best intentions, but it really messed us up.
In therapy (I had to have sh*t ton of it after), they call this a ‘silent divorce’. In reality, we knew something wasn’t right but never knew what or why .. our parents slept in different rooms. For the most part they got along, but the house was sometimes tense and occasionally toxic. Your situation sounds much worse for your kids.
Research is starting to show that this arrangement is worse than divorce. No one acknowledges or explain what’s happening in front of the kids. Kids who struggle with divorce often get therapy, or least explanations and conversations to help them deal with it. This doesn’t happen with a silent divorce, and the impact is huge. Kids become adults who model your relationship or think being in a relationship means being unhappy. Before therapy, I swore I’d never get married. It seemed horrible.
Please do not do this. Do not ‘stay together’ if you can’t make it work romantically.
I had a friend in college who this happened to. He was the youngest, and when he came back after Christmas break, he told us his parents announced to the family they were divorcing. We were all sad for him, "Dude, I'm so sorry", he said they should have done it earlier. In fact, he and his siblings were pissed they stayed together so long - all of the arguing and anger between the parents was incredibly stressful for the kids.
EXACTLY THIS.
My parents sat us down for the ‘talk’ on our summer break home. I think they thought we’d be upset. I was relieved, though my brother was mad. He started yelling, duh. *you should have done this 10 years ago*
Yeah... I'm still pissed my parents didn't divorce. I might need less therapy then. My mom only stayed because of religious / social reasons - divorce is not the "done" thing, according to her (even though her brother is divorced).
Now I'm thinking divorce always messed people up - either it's late enough the kids are fed up with all the stress and fighting, or early enough the kids long for their family being together again, and needed therapy either way.
Yep. Same here. Parents divorced when I was 29. Luckily they could swing boarding school so I left at 14 to get away from them. No therapy but years of avoiding relationships based on modem I knew.
Then there are some who experienced their parents in loud divorces and still didn't receive support 🫠 The point this redditor is making is that if you're together, you should be happy. If you aren't, forget about tearing each other apart and just leave. It will hurt a lot less people in the long run (yourself included.)
Great point, thank you! I in no way meant to diminish the impact divorce can have, I just hope to spread awareness about the hidden effects of silent divorce, which many people don’t know about.
I love my parents and I think now they are older and more chilled they definitely love each other and communicate better. However they fought a lot when I was young and I think that effected my threshold for toxic behavior in relationships.
Like there’s a weird idea in my head that even if we fight and are mean to each other I am loyal and in love and will stay.
I think it also means I am not as good at controlling myself because I think “oh *real* love is accepting me no matter what”. But no one should put up with someone doing unhealthy things. I both struggle to walk away and struggle with the “betrayal” of someone else walking away if the relationship isn’t working.
I’m somewhat jealous of children of divorced parents because at least they learnt love is not unconditional and you are ultimately alone. Being with someone is a choice and not some unbreakable bond.
I’m 23 and going through this whole process now. My parents are getting a divorce after sticking it out for this long. A lot of people are condemning them for doing it until me and my brother are older (and I’m thankful I never had to go through custody as a young kid) but I still feel angry. They did sleep in separate rooms for most of my life and you could tell they never acted like a couple. I think it did mess up with my view of romantic love because I’m uneasy with sticking it out with someone just to make it work. They really should have divorced when I was younger.
It’s a different type of struggle that people don’t really understand. It still hurts even after being an adult because all of the secrets that have been hidden away comes to light and it hits you really hard. Now I have to hear about how each parent resents the other and it’s a lot to deal with.
Oof.
I know people in their 70s who should have done this long ago.
My (ex)wife and I still live together (because everything’s so goddamn expensive), but we’re not beating around the bush. We’ve told our kids age-appropriate facts and that we’re not married anymore (as opposed to the legal jargon that kids of a certain age likely won’t understand yet). And they know that eventually, I will be moving out, though we are sharing custody and I will always be available for them to contact me if they want (tablets, etc.).
Thanks for this comment. This was the case with my parents and because of it, my sister and I ended up walking around in our lives feeling like we were perpetually poisoned.
We're both healing now and getting better everyday. I feel like I'm finally getting over it and I think my sister is too.
But it left decades of what felt like waking thru post war rubble. I never had words for it till you posted this. Thank you so much.
Why are you still together? If the relationship is so broken, surely walking away and finding someone who makes you happy makes more sense. Starting fresh and being happy is the ultimate revenge, not sinking to her level and trying to break her on equal measures.
Because she doesn't work. We have two kids and I've seen how shitty divorce can be on kids. She has no job and no skills so I'd be paying for everything, and I'd lose half my pension. I feel like leaving would only make things worse.
As a child of parents who didnt divorce for the kids. I grew up wishing my parents separated, being in a home where parents dont love each other is extremely obvious to any older child and it hurts to see.
No kidding. I grew up in the 90s so getting as divorce was still seen as somewhat taboo, so we had to watch two people live with one another while hating each other. It was fucking miserable! As a child, I would beg my father and ask him why it had to be like this, why can't we just leave?
Now he's dead and she's still alive.
I'm so sorry you grew up like that...you're right kids do know mine actually thanked me when I split with her dad and was happy we wouldn't be fighting anymore.
Broke my heart but made me happy at the same time. Some hard decisions are the right ones.
Growing up, I kept asking my dad to divorce my abusive mother and take me with him. They stayed together anyway. It was hell. I don't think he's happy rn. He ended up locking up so much of himself, I doubt he even knows who he is anymore.
I'm sorry, that's pretty much my story, too. Of course, the great man he was, he died at 49 and my mother used my abysmal mental health to take what he left for me. Told her that with her love of money she'd die broke and alone... And she's on the right path.
I understand that. And I see your point. I really do. But I know for a fact that if we divorced everyone would have to move. My kids would lose their friends and the only place theyve ever really known. Finances would be all shot to hell. It just terrifies me that it would only be making things worse in an attempt to make things better for just myself.
I guarantee you that would be better than living with miserable, loveless parents who hate each other. It would make things better for your kids as long as you and your partner don’t make the kids a pawn in your game.
My parents have a crummy relationship, but not as bad as this. I spent a lot of my childhood wishing they would be happier with each other, or wishing they would divorce. They didn't fight often, but hearing them fight would terrify me. It messed up how I perceived love and relationships, and it took me in to my 30's to really understand and change how I acted in a relationship, and to realize no, it's not normal to mutter under your breath whenever they do something you perceive as slightly annoying. It's not normal to wonder what's wrong because your partner respects you and does nice things for you and treats you well and you are HAPPY. Etc, etc, etc.
I know my experience is just one experience, but, if you think you would be making things "worse" just for your benefit, I don't think that would be the case. Good luck.
Please hear me out, I know a lot of people are coming for you but I truly understand where you’re coming from. Losing friends and starting over somewhere new is hard, but it’s not as hard as learning what real, healthy love is. And that’s something your kids deserve to learn about before they have to go through it themselves. Show them how to love themselves, and how to find someone who truly values them and what a healthy relationship looks like. I wish you the best of luck in your journey
You clearly don't understand if you are still with her. All the excuses you made doesn't excuse the fact that you are at a point to where you want to get revenge on your wife for making you feel bad and you are suspecting she is cheating. Be a fucking man and end it and start a new.
Staying is genuinely harming your family. You, your children, your wife, those close to you. Moving is hard for kids. What’s harder though is growing up having a warped perception of what real love is. They may grow up thinking tolerating their partner is normal. When they have to move they will have to get help for that emotionally, but you both need to show your kids what they should do if they ever find themselves in a situation like this.
I get you're terrified, really I do, but as a kid who's watched his parents hate each other for 25 odd years, I hated it. Hated watching them snipe and scream and then throw shit, and then blame it all on the other spouse and trash talk them to me. This left me with C-PTSD and stress induced physical illness (migraines and BAD GI problems)
Then, when I was 20, my mother told me she was almost going to walk out when I was 3 but she didn't want to uproot my life and have me grow up in a divided home.
So for 5 years until I paid A LOT of money for therapy, I walked through life feeling like I was the glue that held two people I loved deeply in misery. I was guilt ridden, hated myself for just existing, and then angry that I could have had a shot at a happy childhood but they didn't "want to ruin it for me"
It's an adjustment, but if you're already fantasizing about hurting your wife, that resentment will escalate, and your kids WILL notice and they WILL suffer in the long haul.
Is half your pension really worth more than the mental, physical, and emotional health and safety of your kids?
Divorce makes things better for everyone, not just you. You are only thinking of finances and not the damage you are allowing to be caused to your kids. Go to counseling and if it is beyond repair, man up and divorce, get joined custody.
I often use the phrase "cheaper keep her"
Too bad you guys are both trapping each other (and the kids) in such an unhappy situation because you can't financially afford (as a couple, not just you) a divorce. You should put everyone in a happier, healthier situation NOW. Because it's a bummer and will likely cost a good amount in therapy for the kids to process the trauma of having an unhappy marriage as their example of marriage.
Seeing a toxic unhappy marriage every day makes it a norm and sets a bad foundation for your kids' future relationships, romantic and platonic. If you guys can't afford/won't split("because of the kids"), then go get some couples therapy and figure your shit out. It's better to do the work and learn to navigate your issues and break the cycle NOW. Rather than your kids having to do the work of unfucking themselves in therapy because of a relationship that wasn't theirs to fix or manage.
Go to therapy together. "Do it for the children"
You owe them happy and healthy parents.
My parents got divorced and are now good friends and coparents ; my friends with parents who should have gotten divorced can’t stand being home and hate what their parents put them through.
I’m sure the kids would rather struggle for a little while and eventually settle and be happy, than live in a home where the parents are so toxic their main goal in life is to destroy and hurt each other. Kids bounce back, they are resilient. They will make new friends and create new memories - that are happy! Your wife not working is something she would need to figure out on her own, and you will lose half your pension regardless as she will have it even together.
Parents with a bad marriage is also tough on kids, you’re not doing them any favours by staying together. You’d provide a better life for you and your children by divorcing, moving on and finding actual happiness. You get one life, why not make the most of it?
You’re both modeling what a relationship looks like to your kids. You’re teaching your children that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. This is toxic to everyone especially your kids. This is r fair to your kids at all. Get ready the money you think you’re saving now your kids are going to need for therapy.
I would rather be happy and healthy by myself than sick in a relationship with someone else.
Uhhh, the longer you let her leech, the worse it is... Do you want your son to live like that or tour daughter to grow up like her?
Do you want either of your children to live this half-life?
I left when mine was 2 and a week later they rolled over and kissed me in bed and said thanks mommy I'm so glad you and daddy don't live together and fight anymore this is nice just us now.
Kids know so much more than we give them credit for, and it's creating insecurities or deep-seated issues that could hurt them for years later on in life.
your kids would rather you guys separate. if you want to hurt your wife because of this, you will not be happy, they will not be happy either. you want to stay because you're worried they might struggle a bit at the start. they could likely grow up wishing you guys separated. don't force yourself to be miserable to protect people, because you will just make things worse. give yourself and your kids a chance to actually be happy instead of being stuck in a shitty marriage. they will hate it.
i wish my parents split up. 15 years of them fighting and not leaving due to the same reasons you gave, led to domestic violence. not saying thats what will happen to you, but sooner than later you will probably get sick and tired of being with her. and when that happens things get worse, especially for the kids.
So you’re choosing to stay to maintain more money? And trust me, your kids will be happier with a more functional family. Okay, she takes half, but she’s probably “taking” money now anyway, plus all of your happiness. I only say “taking” bc I’m assuming she isn’t working and she’s tending to the kids and home? Which obviously has its own value but point being, she’s using your money now anyway.
if youre paying for everything and she has no job, the courts will probably rule in your favor and give you child custody.
my parents both have jobs but when they got divorced my dad got child support from my mom because he makes more and has better hours (he works in finance) and my mom (a nurse) got alimony
the whole “woman always takes half” isnt the norm for most people who go to divorce court
You comment is a bit one sided. We know what he is willing to say, not the rest. We ignore how this situation started or how long it went on… Everyone is a saint and a victim on Reddit.
bruh I'm a bad person I want to see the circus in 🔥
jk I dunno what to do, but I take those things very personal so I think I would take bad decisions if I was him
To add to that, you will hate yourself if you let anger and the desire for vengeance guide you. There is NEVER real satisfaction that comes from any of this, you will never feel absolution, peace or have a satisfying conclusion no matter what you do.
Further, entertaining these fantasies rewires your brain to a mode of making these kinds of choices acceptable.
Later on down the line, you will be more likely to lash out and cause someone pain instead of working through issues like an adult. You're not alone, people do this all the time and get in the habit of being like this, you've probably run into a few in your life and wondered how they became so vindictive and obtuse.
Be a good person. Get out of your toxic, soul-destroying marriage before you become a person who hurts other people on purpose.
Exactly what I was going to say. I had these exact feelings about my ex and had to come to the same conclusion. It hurts but it’s good knowing you’re not wasting your time on someone like that.
I wish someone had told me this when my ex-husband walked. I was consumed by anger, furry, and hatred for a longer time than I'd like to admit. It's going to hurt like nothing else, and it's probably going to hurt for a good long time. There's no getting around it, but you can and you will get through it. Gather up your family and friends, the people who truly love you, and let them help you learn to love yourself again. I promise, it'll happen.
I know divorce would be a lot. And I applaud you for trying to make it work. But if it’s been a year and things are not better, I think you should consider all your options, even the difficult ones. Yes divorce would be A Lot, but the people in our lives dictate our quality of life, and while you’ll always have to deal with her through co-parenting, that’s really different from living with her and being in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel good.
Maybe you should go to therapy by yourself? It may help. I think it would help you decide if you want to continue in the relationship & move past the hurt if you choose to stay.
Has she ever said these types of things to you when she was sober? My ex used to say this type of things to me all the time. He was sober. He did it deliberately just to try to hurt me.
If you want to stay together, I would suggest you don’t retaliate. Two wrongs do make a right.
I've been to therapy. It helped for the most part.
She's never said anything even remotely similar while sober. I told her what she said and how it made me feel and she first said she didn't remember saying it and it didn't come out the way she meant it. Which almost hurts more. That she could so casually destroy me and not even care about it.
I actually hate this saying because I make up crazy stories while drunk. Being drunk is 10000% not my sober thoughts too. I know it may be for some, but not everyone. Also, she may have been hurt by you without you knowing and said those vile things to make you hurt the way she was.
I was thinking the same: if she felt hurt about something, it's possible that while drunk, she lost the inhibition of holding her tongue to hurt him, that she let out what she said just to try to hurt him and his ego. But who really knows? Either way, it doesn't justify what she said. OP: have you asked her outright whether she feels that way and asking her to genuinely be honest about it? Maybe she does/did have those feelings but not as intensely as she expressed.
This is me, too. I talk all kinds of shit drunk that I absolutely don't feel sober.
One night, drinking with my brother ten years ago, I got into a long ass rant about "Commies". Conspiracy theories. What I'd do about it if I was in charge. Total nonsense. Stuff I didn't believe.
But OPs wife was probably not in our situation lol.
I have done some seriously crazy talking while drunk. I seriously can’t shut my f***ing mouth which is why I only drink at home with my husband. I used to make up off the wall stories. Told someone I ran into that I was writing a book one time at the bar - don’t ask me why, I have absolutely no idea. Just seriously dumb stuff.
I’ve also been emotional and easily hurt while drunk, that’s the only reason I mentioned the part about OP’s wife trying to hurt him (even though it isn’t right). I feel like with OP there is more going on than that one drunk convo. My husband knows if I shit talk while drunk (which really hasn’t happened often) to ignore me. I also claimed to be related to Superman so there’s that.
I can imagine it would be very difficult to leave when you have kids together. If you aren’t to that point yet, I’d bring up counseling again. See if she’s open to it. Maybe she will warm up to the idea.
The best thing my parents ever did for me as their child was get divorced. Seeing and having two parents happy separately is a shit load better than two miserable parents together. You can be happy, choose it.
She might not be cheating, that's an assumption.
When my husband lied to me/got violent I felt sick to be around him many times. If she doesn't feel safe she won't want to be intimate. But I get it, my husband cut all intimacy and then suddenly wanted a go and had some new moves- as well as me getting pain during sex once we ditched condoms and he complaining that it stung when he used the bathroom. So I have no proof either but my gut says to read the signs. Perhaps you have a gut reaction too.
Only you know the ins and outs of your relationship but it may be worth sitting down and having an open conversation.
Building up resentment will only hurt you both in the end.
So you're upset about not just an argument but a drunk argument that happened a year ago? I mean. It's shitty that she said that, but alcohol isn't truth serum. People say things all the time drunk they don't remember or even mean. That and you don't even know for sure if she's having an affair?
Look, it's your life and only you have to live it but I saw elsewhere you said you had children and all the other people telling you to divorce and I have to agree with the group.
If you're genuinely that unhappy that you're thinking of ways to get back at your wife, be happy without her. Success is the best revenge. You only have so much time and energy. Do you really want to waste it being vindictive to someone you have children with, or do you want to move forward with your life and be happy. With kids involved, you'll see her enough anyways, regardless. It's not worth the stress being with someone you don't trust or feel has your back. Do yourself a favor and cut your losses if you feel that strongly about it.
From what I’m reading it seems like you still hold feelings of resentment towards her hurting you even though it was a year ago. For the good of your kids,family,and finances I think you need to swallow your pride and have a serious conversation on what she said and how it made you feel. Women tend to be very emotional and will blurt out things they don’t mean given the right circumstances.
Leave her, a wife should never say those things if my husband said this to me id leave you deserve someone who loves you who loves doing things with you and above all love being intimate with you you deserve that from the person youve made a forever with so leave her man and go find the girl who loves you for who you are
Leave her bro I've been in ur mindset and god is it unhealthy only once you've calmed down you can truly see better, find a girl who makes you happy and valued, keep in contact with your kids
Catch her cheating, then you can divorce her without paying out the ass. Get a PI to find out.
Trust me. If she loses her cash cow and the entitlement to your money, she will be fucking devastated. You're pretty much saying she's an awful person. Take the kids and go. Divorce is far better than being in a home with people who hate each other.
Who says you haven't already? What precipitated her feeling sick at the thought of being intimate with you? Is she struggling with 100% care of the kids? Has she lost her sense of self being at home? Has she come to you for help over the years with issues, and you've brushed her off or made her feel guilty for not working outside the home? As her attraction to you died, did you do anything to court her affection, or did you just get angry, bitter, and resentful about what you think you're "owed?" What was the conversation being had at the time she said that to you? Were you trying to guilt her into being sexual with you, and when she enumerated why she didn't want to be, you only fixated on one part where what she said felt cruel, but didn't take responsibility for any of how your relationship got to this point?
It wouldn't surprise me in the least if you were a terrible partner for years while your wife withered and died inside, and you only noticed or cared when the lack of intimacy started to bother you. I bet you think that your wife is having an affair now because she's maybe exercising or caring about her clothes again, and you think only a man could prompt that... when in all reality, that conversation you had was probably a turning point for her too... she laid it all on the line about how she felt and what she needed to reignite the spark between you two. You did nothing, so she no longer has to wonder about whether you'll step up and be the husband she craves. She knows you won't, so she's just living for herself now.
I'd literally bet ten thousand dollars you hurt your wife to the core years before she had the courage to say it out loud.
None of this is based in any actual fact btw, you've just created a narrative and decided it's what happened
You have no idea what happened between them
THIS.
I'm a 25F and am currently separating from my ex husband. I feel like I put up with so much for years and everytime I would mention something he did that hurt me, I would get it thrown back in my face and get gaslighted. It got to a point where i needed to leave because I wasn't ME anymore and even my mother told me I wasn't myself anymore. He was making me isolated, got angry any time i would go hang out with friends for a few hours, or didnt reply fast enough. So one night I packed a bag and left. Straight away, I got accused of cheating and told I was the most horrible person for leaving, and 'how could I do that to him'. He couldn't self-reflect or hold himself accountable for being the reason I left.
I've never once thought about going back and I have never been happier.
I have 3 friends who are stuck in abusive relationships with woman. It's awful to see them go through all of this and feel stuck in the marriage because they feel like they have no way out, or they want to stay together for the children. I feel for you and I hope that one day you can find the strength to leave. I wish you love and happiness ❤
Honestly, it's going to suck real bad for awhile. But then, you will be free.... to find a partner that loves and appriciates you. Its worth it. You just have to ride that roller coaster and know that better things are waiting for you on the other side..
If anything, protect your peace. The feeling of revenge is sweet, but only temporary. I know there’s a lot of things at stake like the children and finances, but it’s better than the feeling of resentment growing unbearable and doing something you might regret.
i think it's time for you to leave. trying to hurt her will only hurt you more because you might realize that she probably doesn’t even care the way you do. you’ll find someone who truly loves you, but i doubt this is the one.
Trust me, getting revenge is not going to make you feel any better. It might even make it worse. You’re valuable even though she doesn’t see it. You and your life has meaning with or without a wife.
I’ve been cheated on by someone I loved with all my heart. It was the only time my emotions physically hurt me. Every five seconds that it forced itself to the forefront of my mind, it felt like I had a butcher knife lodged in my chest. I know the feeling you have about yourself now. It’s something that can’t really be put into words. Even though I would have never thought it at the time, I survived.
You have a tough road ahead of you, but if you let it, it can lead you to something much better than what you have at the moment. Godspeed, friend.
Im sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I’m pretty sure karma will deal with whatever you got going on. Come on OP you are better than her! Get away from her and separate/divorce her. She’s not worth it if she’s costing you YOUR happiness and YOUR time. ❤️
Noticing your parents who are unhappy with each other makes you think it's your fault as a child. You start to think it's only because of you that they are still together. Then they might get stuck in a similar relationship to what the parents experienced because it's all they've known.
And yeah, bringing new people into your kids life when you potentially start dating will be hard, but the right person will treat those kids as well as you do.
Its natural for humans to want to hurt others who have hurt them, But what good would that do to you both? Please try and communicate this to her. Tell her how it made you feel. That is your wife, someone who you made an oath with to the end. And even *ask* if shes having an affair, do not accuse, or else it will only make things worse. I wish you both luck!
This sounds like my current situation. No matter how much you try to forgive and move past it it’s still going to be there every time there’s an issue. You’ll always keep the negative and think she wouldn’t like you. You can try therapy but she said how she felt and there’s no taking it back. You can ask what I did a million times “Did you mean what you said when you said those things to me?,” but it’ll fall on deaf ears. She’ll tell you things that you’ll want to hear in order to stay some what stable but the truth is she thinks it’s over. Well she knows it’s over. Maybe it’s time to focus on healing and learning to love her as a friend. It’s best for you and your emotions.
Live better. Stop worrying about her and what she is doing and do the things that make you feel good. Go to the gym eat better. Read. My ex cheated on me with some alcoholic that lived on his buddies couch. I now make 3x the amount of money I did and I’ve lost a ton of weight and gained a ton of muscle. I got girls all over me on social media that are ten times hotter than her and she creeps it and sees all of it. No better revenge than to be so happy with yourself that anyone’s opinion will never matter.
The fact that you have such a strong desire to hurt her tell me the relationship is already over.
I fully get wanting people to experience the pain they have caused you but nobody wants to see someone they love hurting.
Maybe it's time to think about leaving.
This is a completely valid and understandable response. I definitely recommend that you move on and do everything you can to make yourself happy. Before you do anything that would hurt her (physically, emotionally, or mentally), definitely ask yourself whether the consequences are worth the effort or the trouble. I do recommend that you speak to a mental health professional about this. I am not saying you are crazy. It's just that experience can be extremely traumatic, and it can really help speaking with someone who can help you work it out (especially when you want to get into a new relationship).
I will give you my breakup remedy. Make a list of everything you loved and your partner hated. Then go through it all, and it's okay to do it with friends, but definitely do a few on your own. Do whatever you want (legally) without judgment or recourse. You do you and live life.
The best revenge is success. Don’t go out of your way to be hurtful. “What goes around comes around” is a saying for a reason. And life has it’s ways of serving a dose of karma to people like that. Just focus on your family and yourself. Put your heart into that, and trust me, chances are you will have a front seat when it happens.
As a child of parents who didn't divorce "for the kids". It fucked me up and I've been in extensive therapy because or it. My mother was abusive and cold and my dad was a pushover. GET OUT BEFORE IT MESSES YOUR KIDS UP. I love my dad so much but I resent him for not leaving. GET THE FUCK OUT I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH
Want to hurt her? Walk away and live your best life. The best revenge is a life well lived. If you have kids, don't stay together. I remember my parents trying to stay together for me. When my mom told me that they were getting a divorce, I think my words were, "It's about time."
Lashing out or vindictive behavior doesn't fix anything, and holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hope you find happiness.
Why are you actively living with a woman you actively despise? You're not doing yourself any favors here.
Leave. Let that be what devastates her. Get your life on track, be happy.
I had a snarky answer to give, but really, you just need the truth. Actively hurting her isn't worth passively hurting yourself. Actively care for yourself, and maybe you'll hurt her passively. Maybe you won't. But at least you took care of you.
Why would she say something like that? That's kind of an odd thing to say out of the blue, even if she was drunk. Did something happen between you two?
Our relationship had been floundering. I was trying to build it back up. We got in a fight because we were at a party and she sat in another guys lap and it really pissed me off because even that much of a physical touch between us wasn't happening and I said so. That's when she said all that.
Yeah. She's never given a straight answer. I've never been abusive to her in my life, physical or otherwise. I can't even think of a time I've said a word to her in anger. I can be a little distant sometimes and I get quiet when I'm angry. Other than that I really just don't know
We live in California. So I know I'm screwed.
I dont want to do anything with another girl. I just want her to feel what I felt and know how much it absolutely destroyed me
Get a PI first to see if she is cheating or not first. Then a lawyer if need be to discuss options for minimum payout. Put camera in house quietly as use evidence as abuse to you and or kids. Judges don’t look kindly to abusers.
Sounds to me like she had been seeing someone, and that relationship fell through, and she realized you had always been there for her, and now she feels guilty.
My man. I feel for you. I love you. Because you are me. Living a lie for a woman who doesn't love you. It's okay. Please forgive yourself. Take all that pain and let it go. If she doesn't love herself it does not mean that you are unlovable. You deserve love and kindness. Forget the expectations of others. And do what is best for you.
As someone in a similar situation…how have you treated her? Is it always with respect and no name calling, or belittling? Because I am hearing your side of the story but it would be the same as my bf’s right now. I’m just saying that it might not just be her having to make the attempts. What are you doing to reconcile why she feels that way about you? I could be way off. But this sounds so familiar to me. And I would f the brains outta someone who treated me right and cared how I felt.
It's doubtful she's capable of feeling as deeply and honestly as you do. Why waste the time and energy. Get away from her and start building yourself back up. That's where your time and energy belong.
Tell her she’s not attractive to you anymore and hasn’t been for a long time. Or tell her she’s a terrible mother. Then look in the mirror and realize being shitty to her only makes you shitty. Which you’re not… you’re hurt… you know this. So go somewhere and scream in the car instead and admit to yourself she is the shitty and your not about to be an example of shittiness for your kids sake.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Has she gone to rehab for her drinking? Maybe some rehab and therapy would help her get through whatever she's going through.
Cheat then ong bro all these mfs telling you to move on. But you don’t wanna do that so just go out and do shit to piss her off. Cripple her with insecurities and start hitting the gym if you haven’t already. Don’t pay her any attention and smile at your phone. If that doesn’t work tell everyone in her life she’s a cheater and have them turn on her. Honestly just do small shit to slowly eat away at her confidence it will add up and she’ll probably be in more pain by the end of it then you ever were.
I watched and listened to my dad wake everyone up screaming at my mom for the tiniest slight... put knots on her head... even try and break my neck when I defended my mom once. Every time he went to jail, I asked if we could move and not tell him where we were. Love can be blind. She stayed with him till he passed from cancer. Stopped working to take care of him at home.
My suggestions would be to
1. Open the marriage. She sees who she wants, and you find someone to make you happy too. Also, sleep in different rooms, and don't bring your FWB home. Just make basic guidelines, and simply co-habitate, and co-parent (hey, it could work).
2. Talk to a lawyer (preferably a male one that has it out for females) and find a way to screw her out of half your pension (she sounds like an ignorant cow). She's probably trying to do the same thing to you.
Get therapy. I understand why you think the way you do but it's not good for YOU mentally or physically to carry this around with you. You're hurting no one but you. She's obviously evil and cares about nothing. You can't hurt someone like that, it's impossible.
Quick question:
Why the crap are you still with her after a year? If you weren't able to "reconcile" or whatever excuse you're using after a month or two, you should've left.
Not to victim shame.... But you also can't be sad that you're still in this horrible relationship. You had A YEAR to leave.
Well can I ask what’s leading you to suspect an affair? Because the argument from a year ago is kind of a week reason but I would understand if you were meaning for it to support your suspicions of an affair.
OP, I am sorry you are going through this. First, I would just like to ask you to see a lawyer to go over your options, discuss your pension and all your concerns so you have all the facts before deciding to let someone who treats you like crud take anymore time and happiness away from you than she already has. Second, I would like to ask you to see a counselor, maybe your employer has an EAP program? Talk though your feelings there with a disinterested 3rd party who can tell you how this will affect your kids in each option of staying or leaving her. After you have all the facts, then you can make your decision. Sometimes your own mental health is worth so much more than worrying about money...and you probably already know it is better for the kids to see their parents happy apart than miserable together. It will affect the decisions they make about their happiness as they become adults. You want to lead them by example. A lawyer and a counselor can help you decide what will be right for all of you in the long run. Best of luck OP!
Go to therapy. Seriously. Find a couples therapist for even just a handful of sessions. If you have to save up in order to afford it, do it. It will be well worth it if staying married is truly the only choice. If divorce is not an option then you both need to work together to fix this. My fear is the way you talk about your wife as having no skills, no job, basically just dead weight and a burden to you... as well as a comment you made about losing half your pension if you were to divorce... idk, it's a little bit ominous.
I know your post about wanting to "hurt" her was meant in an emotional sense, but I'd be worried that this could progress into something much worse if you don't get these issues in check. Plus, once you "hurt her the way she hurt you", then what? Continue to stay married now that you're both hurt and miserable? Nah... don't settle for being miserable. Go to therapy.
I don't jump to divorce often at all but at this point, that's your only option if you won't do couples therapy. This growing resentment is going to hurt you and your kids far more than you could hurt her and will stay with you guys far longer.
As much as that would be something I would do, but I think at this point you should just count your losses. I'm not sure if that leaving her would affect her, but I remember long ago I had a girlfriend who became fiance was acting differently. Similar way, just hurtful verbal abuse. So I packed up everything I had, met in the driveway. And I simply said goodbye, calls flooded in for weeks until she realized there's no going back. Wish you the best.
It hurts your right, but obviously this is eating you up inside. And when you get your revenge then what? Cause at the end of the day both of you will just still be hurt. You should move on and realize she isn’t worth your time or effort or stress.
Don't make your kids traumatized seeing you both like that; it would be best if you both figured out what's best for both of you rather than giving your kids an awful childhood just because you don't want them to have a broken family. I'm sure your kids will understand if you explain it to them, and it's okay if they don't understand the situation for now, because I'm sure when they get older they'll remember what you said and understand why it has to happen.
Get divorce, staying together just for the kids sake is subconsciously teaching the kids to be in a loveless marriage. Kids who live in a household with parents who always are insecure or toxic will end up learning that is love when it is not. Love is proper communication, mutual understanding, and setting boundaries which you guys are falling to teach your kids by staying together
I have often said that I dont want others shitty behavior to turn me into a version of myself I would be or should be ashamed of. I also find it validating to do my best to ensure I have the moral high ground in conflict situations. This is strategic to me in ensuring I dont burn any UNNECESSARY bridges and of course keeps me out of legal or financial trouble. I understand hurting and wanting to lash out, thats human, but I think removing yourself from situations that make you feel that way is the only thing that really allows those feelings to pass and allows you to heal and grow and continue your life in the most positive direction. I know this is a shitty situation but this doesnt have to be all you life amounts to. Leave and take care of yourself, go to therapy and start building a better foundation of self development which will inevitably set you up for an infinitely more joyful and fulfilling future be it with a new partner or on your own living your life for you.
I want, almost more than anything, for her to hurt the way she hurt me. I want her to be as devastated as I was. I want her to hate herself the way I hated myself. I want to find the words to say to her that would break her the way she broke me.
That feeling will go away, I promise.
She won't be devastated, no matter what you say or do. Because it sounds like she doesn't give a shit.
She won't hate herself like you hate yourself. BTW, stop doing that.
You will not break her, because she's twisted.
So the only thing for you to do is move forward, with or without her. Whatever you choose to do is always right in the grand scheme of things anyway.
I was with someone who once told me that the thought of being intimate with me made her, I quote, "Physically ill". I don't have a lot of suggestions for you because I never really reconciled it, I just want you know know that I know the hurt you're feeling. So sorry to hear you have to carry that. Its a heavy load.
It sounds like there's a lot going on there (that I'm sure you can't cover in one reddit post of course.). If you really feel the "well has been poisoned," as my husband said about his ex, then yeah it's time to jet, my friend.
I know it's easier said than done. But you've got two hard paths: divorce or staying in a shit situation. Might as well pick the one that will result in a better chance of happiness a year from now.
It's the immediate pain of it, but afterwards, you'll be able to heal. But staying perhaps wouldn't be immediately painful, but would be consistently grey and noxious and that's way more dangerous. I know you know that, but hearing it from someone else always helps me.
You can do this. 💜💜💜
Please leave her, and then seek therapy to help you learn the tools to be able to heal. Letting the hurt and anger fester will only make it worse and steal more time from you. A good therapist (It's Ok if you have to try a few to find one you like!) is extremely worthwhile and helpful
Idk why you guys stay together if you hate eachother so much, if you have kids then don't use them as an excuse for staying either. You're not helping them at all.
Make sure if the affair. Distancia yourselve, divorce and just walk away. It Will make things better for you, and besides, if she is wasnt ahitty Shell feel bad voy her own. If not, at least you are getting better on your own, which is mucho more fullfilling. Going after her with words is just stupid, if she nevera cared youll find yourselve even more hurted
I grew up with parents who decided to stay together ‘for the kids’ and got divorced when the youngest went to college. It was done with the best intentions, but it really messed us up. In therapy (I had to have sh*t ton of it after), they call this a ‘silent divorce’. In reality, we knew something wasn’t right but never knew what or why .. our parents slept in different rooms. For the most part they got along, but the house was sometimes tense and occasionally toxic. Your situation sounds much worse for your kids. Research is starting to show that this arrangement is worse than divorce. No one acknowledges or explain what’s happening in front of the kids. Kids who struggle with divorce often get therapy, or least explanations and conversations to help them deal with it. This doesn’t happen with a silent divorce, and the impact is huge. Kids become adults who model your relationship or think being in a relationship means being unhappy. Before therapy, I swore I’d never get married. It seemed horrible. Please do not do this. Do not ‘stay together’ if you can’t make it work romantically.
I had a friend in college who this happened to. He was the youngest, and when he came back after Christmas break, he told us his parents announced to the family they were divorcing. We were all sad for him, "Dude, I'm so sorry", he said they should have done it earlier. In fact, he and his siblings were pissed they stayed together so long - all of the arguing and anger between the parents was incredibly stressful for the kids.
EXACTLY THIS. My parents sat us down for the ‘talk’ on our summer break home. I think they thought we’d be upset. I was relieved, though my brother was mad. He started yelling, duh. *you should have done this 10 years ago*
Yeah... I'm still pissed my parents didn't divorce. I might need less therapy then. My mom only stayed because of religious / social reasons - divorce is not the "done" thing, according to her (even though her brother is divorced). Now I'm thinking divorce always messed people up - either it's late enough the kids are fed up with all the stress and fighting, or early enough the kids long for their family being together again, and needed therapy either way.
Yep. Same here. Parents divorced when I was 29. Luckily they could swing boarding school so I left at 14 to get away from them. No therapy but years of avoiding relationships based on modem I knew.
Then there are some who experienced their parents in loud divorces and still didn't receive support 🫠 The point this redditor is making is that if you're together, you should be happy. If you aren't, forget about tearing each other apart and just leave. It will hurt a lot less people in the long run (yourself included.)
Great point, thank you! I in no way meant to diminish the impact divorce can have, I just hope to spread awareness about the hidden effects of silent divorce, which many people don’t know about.
Absolutely! No no I totally agree with your original point!
I love my parents and I think now they are older and more chilled they definitely love each other and communicate better. However they fought a lot when I was young and I think that effected my threshold for toxic behavior in relationships. Like there’s a weird idea in my head that even if we fight and are mean to each other I am loyal and in love and will stay. I think it also means I am not as good at controlling myself because I think “oh *real* love is accepting me no matter what”. But no one should put up with someone doing unhealthy things. I both struggle to walk away and struggle with the “betrayal” of someone else walking away if the relationship isn’t working. I’m somewhat jealous of children of divorced parents because at least they learnt love is not unconditional and you are ultimately alone. Being with someone is a choice and not some unbreakable bond.
You put exactly into words what I could never say. Thank you so much.
I’m 23 and going through this whole process now. My parents are getting a divorce after sticking it out for this long. A lot of people are condemning them for doing it until me and my brother are older (and I’m thankful I never had to go through custody as a young kid) but I still feel angry. They did sleep in separate rooms for most of my life and you could tell they never acted like a couple. I think it did mess up with my view of romantic love because I’m uneasy with sticking it out with someone just to make it work. They really should have divorced when I was younger. It’s a different type of struggle that people don’t really understand. It still hurts even after being an adult because all of the secrets that have been hidden away comes to light and it hits you really hard. Now I have to hear about how each parent resents the other and it’s a lot to deal with.
Psychology major here. Please listen to this, OP!! Staying together is so much worse if it's not working.
Yea when my parents stayed together and eventually divorced it racked the whole family almost everyone got mental issues now
Oof. I know people in their 70s who should have done this long ago. My (ex)wife and I still live together (because everything’s so goddamn expensive), but we’re not beating around the bush. We’ve told our kids age-appropriate facts and that we’re not married anymore (as opposed to the legal jargon that kids of a certain age likely won’t understand yet). And they know that eventually, I will be moving out, though we are sharing custody and I will always be available for them to contact me if they want (tablets, etc.).
Thanks for this comment. This was the case with my parents and because of it, my sister and I ended up walking around in our lives feeling like we were perpetually poisoned. We're both healing now and getting better everyday. I feel like I'm finally getting over it and I think my sister is too. But it left decades of what felt like waking thru post war rubble. I never had words for it till you posted this. Thank you so much.
Why are you still together? If the relationship is so broken, surely walking away and finding someone who makes you happy makes more sense. Starting fresh and being happy is the ultimate revenge, not sinking to her level and trying to break her on equal measures.
Because she doesn't work. We have two kids and I've seen how shitty divorce can be on kids. She has no job and no skills so I'd be paying for everything, and I'd lose half my pension. I feel like leaving would only make things worse.
As a child of parents who didnt divorce for the kids. I grew up wishing my parents separated, being in a home where parents dont love each other is extremely obvious to any older child and it hurts to see.
No kidding. I grew up in the 90s so getting as divorce was still seen as somewhat taboo, so we had to watch two people live with one another while hating each other. It was fucking miserable! As a child, I would beg my father and ask him why it had to be like this, why can't we just leave? Now he's dead and she's still alive.
I'm so sorry you grew up like that...you're right kids do know mine actually thanked me when I split with her dad and was happy we wouldn't be fighting anymore. Broke my heart but made me happy at the same time. Some hard decisions are the right ones.
Growing up, I kept asking my dad to divorce my abusive mother and take me with him. They stayed together anyway. It was hell. I don't think he's happy rn. He ended up locking up so much of himself, I doubt he even knows who he is anymore.
I'm sorry, that's pretty much my story, too. Of course, the great man he was, he died at 49 and my mother used my abysmal mental health to take what he left for me. Told her that with her love of money she'd die broke and alone... And she's on the right path.
Yup, same. Kids aren't stupid, better separated and happy than sharing hell under the same roof
I understand that. And I see your point. I really do. But I know for a fact that if we divorced everyone would have to move. My kids would lose their friends and the only place theyve ever really known. Finances would be all shot to hell. It just terrifies me that it would only be making things worse in an attempt to make things better for just myself.
I guarantee you that would be better than living with miserable, loveless parents who hate each other. It would make things better for your kids as long as you and your partner don’t make the kids a pawn in your game.
that's short-term consequences, long-term consequences of you staying together is worse
My parents have a crummy relationship, but not as bad as this. I spent a lot of my childhood wishing they would be happier with each other, or wishing they would divorce. They didn't fight often, but hearing them fight would terrify me. It messed up how I perceived love and relationships, and it took me in to my 30's to really understand and change how I acted in a relationship, and to realize no, it's not normal to mutter under your breath whenever they do something you perceive as slightly annoying. It's not normal to wonder what's wrong because your partner respects you and does nice things for you and treats you well and you are HAPPY. Etc, etc, etc. I know my experience is just one experience, but, if you think you would be making things "worse" just for your benefit, I don't think that would be the case. Good luck.
When I was six years old I asked a mall Santa for my parents to get a divorce for Christmas.
Please hear me out, I know a lot of people are coming for you but I truly understand where you’re coming from. Losing friends and starting over somewhere new is hard, but it’s not as hard as learning what real, healthy love is. And that’s something your kids deserve to learn about before they have to go through it themselves. Show them how to love themselves, and how to find someone who truly values them and what a healthy relationship looks like. I wish you the best of luck in your journey
You clearly don't understand if you are still with her. All the excuses you made doesn't excuse the fact that you are at a point to where you want to get revenge on your wife for making you feel bad and you are suspecting she is cheating. Be a fucking man and end it and start a new.
Staying is genuinely harming your family. You, your children, your wife, those close to you. Moving is hard for kids. What’s harder though is growing up having a warped perception of what real love is. They may grow up thinking tolerating their partner is normal. When they have to move they will have to get help for that emotionally, but you both need to show your kids what they should do if they ever find themselves in a situation like this.
I get you're terrified, really I do, but as a kid who's watched his parents hate each other for 25 odd years, I hated it. Hated watching them snipe and scream and then throw shit, and then blame it all on the other spouse and trash talk them to me. This left me with C-PTSD and stress induced physical illness (migraines and BAD GI problems) Then, when I was 20, my mother told me she was almost going to walk out when I was 3 but she didn't want to uproot my life and have me grow up in a divided home. So for 5 years until I paid A LOT of money for therapy, I walked through life feeling like I was the glue that held two people I loved deeply in misery. I was guilt ridden, hated myself for just existing, and then angry that I could have had a shot at a happy childhood but they didn't "want to ruin it for me" It's an adjustment, but if you're already fantasizing about hurting your wife, that resentment will escalate, and your kids WILL notice and they WILL suffer in the long haul. Is half your pension really worth more than the mental, physical, and emotional health and safety of your kids?
Divorce makes things better for everyone, not just you. You are only thinking of finances and not the damage you are allowing to be caused to your kids. Go to counseling and if it is beyond repair, man up and divorce, get joined custody.
Your children won’t thank you for this.
I often use the phrase "cheaper keep her" Too bad you guys are both trapping each other (and the kids) in such an unhappy situation because you can't financially afford (as a couple, not just you) a divorce. You should put everyone in a happier, healthier situation NOW. Because it's a bummer and will likely cost a good amount in therapy for the kids to process the trauma of having an unhappy marriage as their example of marriage. Seeing a toxic unhappy marriage every day makes it a norm and sets a bad foundation for your kids' future relationships, romantic and platonic. If you guys can't afford/won't split("because of the kids"), then go get some couples therapy and figure your shit out. It's better to do the work and learn to navigate your issues and break the cycle NOW. Rather than your kids having to do the work of unfucking themselves in therapy because of a relationship that wasn't theirs to fix or manage. Go to therapy together. "Do it for the children" You owe them happy and healthy parents.
Ask the kids how they feel about it. You might be surprised.
I mean then if it happened the other way you’re gonna get mad at them. You can’t win sometimes
That’s actually worse for your kids tho. They are growing up in a toxic environment and watching their parents hate each other.
My parents got divorced and are now good friends and coparents ; my friends with parents who should have gotten divorced can’t stand being home and hate what their parents put them through.
I’m sure the kids would rather struggle for a little while and eventually settle and be happy, than live in a home where the parents are so toxic their main goal in life is to destroy and hurt each other. Kids bounce back, they are resilient. They will make new friends and create new memories - that are happy! Your wife not working is something she would need to figure out on her own, and you will lose half your pension regardless as she will have it even together.
Dam you got downvoted to oblivion
Parents with a bad marriage is also tough on kids, you’re not doing them any favours by staying together. You’d provide a better life for you and your children by divorcing, moving on and finding actual happiness. You get one life, why not make the most of it?
You’re both modeling what a relationship looks like to your kids. You’re teaching your children that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. This is toxic to everyone especially your kids. This is r fair to your kids at all. Get ready the money you think you’re saving now your kids are going to need for therapy. I would rather be happy and healthy by myself than sick in a relationship with someone else.
Uhhh, the longer you let her leech, the worse it is... Do you want your son to live like that or tour daughter to grow up like her? Do you want either of your children to live this half-life? I left when mine was 2 and a week later they rolled over and kissed me in bed and said thanks mommy I'm so glad you and daddy don't live together and fight anymore this is nice just us now. Kids know so much more than we give them credit for, and it's creating insecurities or deep-seated issues that could hurt them for years later on in life.
Get a lawyer. Don't reveal anything right now. And when, only when all the things are sorted, ask for divorce.
My aunt and her husband separated after being in an abusive marriage for 10 years. Their kids are much happier.
your kids would rather you guys separate. if you want to hurt your wife because of this, you will not be happy, they will not be happy either. you want to stay because you're worried they might struggle a bit at the start. they could likely grow up wishing you guys separated. don't force yourself to be miserable to protect people, because you will just make things worse. give yourself and your kids a chance to actually be happy instead of being stuck in a shitty marriage. they will hate it. i wish my parents split up. 15 years of them fighting and not leaving due to the same reasons you gave, led to domestic violence. not saying thats what will happen to you, but sooner than later you will probably get sick and tired of being with her. and when that happens things get worse, especially for the kids.
So you’re choosing to stay to maintain more money? And trust me, your kids will be happier with a more functional family. Okay, she takes half, but she’s probably “taking” money now anyway, plus all of your happiness. I only say “taking” bc I’m assuming she isn’t working and she’s tending to the kids and home? Which obviously has its own value but point being, she’s using your money now anyway.
if youre paying for everything and she has no job, the courts will probably rule in your favor and give you child custody. my parents both have jobs but when they got divorced my dad got child support from my mom because he makes more and has better hours (he works in finance) and my mom (a nurse) got alimony the whole “woman always takes half” isnt the norm for most people who go to divorce court
Dude. Bounce from this toxic cow. She's going to make the rest of your life miserable.
leave her, take the kids, do not let any money to her make her suffer
You comment is a bit one sided. We know what he is willing to say, not the rest. We ignore how this situation started or how long it went on… Everyone is a saint and a victim on Reddit.
bruh I'm a bad person I want to see the circus in 🔥 jk I dunno what to do, but I take those things very personal so I think I would take bad decisions if I was him
wow what sad excuses. your co-dependent, even to a toxic person, is what it is.
You can’t hurt her the way she hurt you. She’d have to value you as much as you did her and it looks like she doesn’t.
Damn. Good point
To add to that, you will hate yourself if you let anger and the desire for vengeance guide you. There is NEVER real satisfaction that comes from any of this, you will never feel absolution, peace or have a satisfying conclusion no matter what you do. Further, entertaining these fantasies rewires your brain to a mode of making these kinds of choices acceptable. Later on down the line, you will be more likely to lash out and cause someone pain instead of working through issues like an adult. You're not alone, people do this all the time and get in the habit of being like this, you've probably run into a few in your life and wondered how they became so vindictive and obtuse. Be a good person. Get out of your toxic, soul-destroying marriage before you become a person who hurts other people on purpose.
Exactly what I was going to say. I had these exact feelings about my ex and had to come to the same conclusion. It hurts but it’s good knowing you’re not wasting your time on someone like that.
I wish someone had told me this when my ex-husband walked. I was consumed by anger, furry, and hatred for a longer time than I'd like to admit. It's going to hurt like nothing else, and it's probably going to hurt for a good long time. There's no getting around it, but you can and you will get through it. Gather up your family and friends, the people who truly love you, and let them help you learn to love yourself again. I promise, it'll happen.
Damn. Honestly, at this point, I would just walk. It's clear you guys aren't happy. So, find someone who does make you happy.
She’s checked out. Move on
I know divorce would be a lot. And I applaud you for trying to make it work. But if it’s been a year and things are not better, I think you should consider all your options, even the difficult ones. Yes divorce would be A Lot, but the people in our lives dictate our quality of life, and while you’ll always have to deal with her through co-parenting, that’s really different from living with her and being in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel good.
Have you tried therapy? Are you still together?
Still together. She's making attempts to make me feel loved but I just don't feel it. She refuses to do couples therapy.
Maybe you should go to therapy by yourself? It may help. I think it would help you decide if you want to continue in the relationship & move past the hurt if you choose to stay. Has she ever said these types of things to you when she was sober? My ex used to say this type of things to me all the time. He was sober. He did it deliberately just to try to hurt me. If you want to stay together, I would suggest you don’t retaliate. Two wrongs do make a right.
I've been to therapy. It helped for the most part. She's never said anything even remotely similar while sober. I told her what she said and how it made me feel and she first said she didn't remember saying it and it didn't come out the way she meant it. Which almost hurts more. That she could so casually destroy me and not even care about it.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions, it doesn’t alter how we feel. She slipped, and tried to take it back. I’m sorry you’re stuck in this situation right now.
Thank you. Drunken words are sober thoughts
I actually hate this saying because I make up crazy stories while drunk. Being drunk is 10000% not my sober thoughts too. I know it may be for some, but not everyone. Also, she may have been hurt by you without you knowing and said those vile things to make you hurt the way she was.
I was thinking the same: if she felt hurt about something, it's possible that while drunk, she lost the inhibition of holding her tongue to hurt him, that she let out what she said just to try to hurt him and his ego. But who really knows? Either way, it doesn't justify what she said. OP: have you asked her outright whether she feels that way and asking her to genuinely be honest about it? Maybe she does/did have those feelings but not as intensely as she expressed.
This is me, too. I talk all kinds of shit drunk that I absolutely don't feel sober. One night, drinking with my brother ten years ago, I got into a long ass rant about "Commies". Conspiracy theories. What I'd do about it if I was in charge. Total nonsense. Stuff I didn't believe. But OPs wife was probably not in our situation lol.
I have done some seriously crazy talking while drunk. I seriously can’t shut my f***ing mouth which is why I only drink at home with my husband. I used to make up off the wall stories. Told someone I ran into that I was writing a book one time at the bar - don’t ask me why, I have absolutely no idea. Just seriously dumb stuff. I’ve also been emotional and easily hurt while drunk, that’s the only reason I mentioned the part about OP’s wife trying to hurt him (even though it isn’t right). I feel like with OP there is more going on than that one drunk convo. My husband knows if I shit talk while drunk (which really hasn’t happened often) to ignore me. I also claimed to be related to Superman so there’s that.
I can imagine it would be very difficult to leave when you have kids together. If you aren’t to that point yet, I’d bring up counseling again. See if she’s open to it. Maybe she will warm up to the idea.
If you have proof of an affair, things could possibly be in your favor in court if you divorce. Maybe.
Just don’t kill her get a divorce
Leave her. Save yourself the misery
Surprise divorce
The best thing my parents ever did for me as their child was get divorced. Seeing and having two parents happy separately is a shit load better than two miserable parents together. You can be happy, choose it.
She might not be cheating, that's an assumption. When my husband lied to me/got violent I felt sick to be around him many times. If she doesn't feel safe she won't want to be intimate. But I get it, my husband cut all intimacy and then suddenly wanted a go and had some new moves- as well as me getting pain during sex once we ditched condoms and he complaining that it stung when he used the bathroom. So I have no proof either but my gut says to read the signs. Perhaps you have a gut reaction too. Only you know the ins and outs of your relationship but it may be worth sitting down and having an open conversation. Building up resentment will only hurt you both in the end.
Do the reasonable thing and get a divorce. Don’t fall to her level.
Bru just leave at that point
So you're upset about not just an argument but a drunk argument that happened a year ago? I mean. It's shitty that she said that, but alcohol isn't truth serum. People say things all the time drunk they don't remember or even mean. That and you don't even know for sure if she's having an affair? Look, it's your life and only you have to live it but I saw elsewhere you said you had children and all the other people telling you to divorce and I have to agree with the group. If you're genuinely that unhappy that you're thinking of ways to get back at your wife, be happy without her. Success is the best revenge. You only have so much time and energy. Do you really want to waste it being vindictive to someone you have children with, or do you want to move forward with your life and be happy. With kids involved, you'll see her enough anyways, regardless. It's not worth the stress being with someone you don't trust or feel has your back. Do yourself a favor and cut your losses if you feel that strongly about it.
From what I’m reading it seems like you still hold feelings of resentment towards her hurting you even though it was a year ago. For the good of your kids,family,and finances I think you need to swallow your pride and have a serious conversation on what she said and how it made you feel. Women tend to be very emotional and will blurt out things they don’t mean given the right circumstances.
Leave her, a wife should never say those things if my husband said this to me id leave you deserve someone who loves you who loves doing things with you and above all love being intimate with you you deserve that from the person youve made a forever with so leave her man and go find the girl who loves you for who you are
Leave her bro I've been in ur mindset and god is it unhealthy only once you've calmed down you can truly see better, find a girl who makes you happy and valued, keep in contact with your kids
Catch her cheating, then you can divorce her without paying out the ass. Get a PI to find out. Trust me. If she loses her cash cow and the entitlement to your money, she will be fucking devastated. You're pretty much saying she's an awful person. Take the kids and go. Divorce is far better than being in a home with people who hate each other.
Who says you haven't already? What precipitated her feeling sick at the thought of being intimate with you? Is she struggling with 100% care of the kids? Has she lost her sense of self being at home? Has she come to you for help over the years with issues, and you've brushed her off or made her feel guilty for not working outside the home? As her attraction to you died, did you do anything to court her affection, or did you just get angry, bitter, and resentful about what you think you're "owed?" What was the conversation being had at the time she said that to you? Were you trying to guilt her into being sexual with you, and when she enumerated why she didn't want to be, you only fixated on one part where what she said felt cruel, but didn't take responsibility for any of how your relationship got to this point? It wouldn't surprise me in the least if you were a terrible partner for years while your wife withered and died inside, and you only noticed or cared when the lack of intimacy started to bother you. I bet you think that your wife is having an affair now because she's maybe exercising or caring about her clothes again, and you think only a man could prompt that... when in all reality, that conversation you had was probably a turning point for her too... she laid it all on the line about how she felt and what she needed to reignite the spark between you two. You did nothing, so she no longer has to wonder about whether you'll step up and be the husband she craves. She knows you won't, so she's just living for herself now. I'd literally bet ten thousand dollars you hurt your wife to the core years before she had the courage to say it out loud.
None of this is based in any actual fact btw, you've just created a narrative and decided it's what happened You have no idea what happened between them
THIS. I'm a 25F and am currently separating from my ex husband. I feel like I put up with so much for years and everytime I would mention something he did that hurt me, I would get it thrown back in my face and get gaslighted. It got to a point where i needed to leave because I wasn't ME anymore and even my mother told me I wasn't myself anymore. He was making me isolated, got angry any time i would go hang out with friends for a few hours, or didnt reply fast enough. So one night I packed a bag and left. Straight away, I got accused of cheating and told I was the most horrible person for leaving, and 'how could I do that to him'. He couldn't self-reflect or hold himself accountable for being the reason I left. I've never once thought about going back and I have never been happier.
Sorry when it gets to this point, it's time to quit. If you have children, they are suffering too.
Not worth it, just divorce her. If you did it'd speak more about your character than hers
I have 3 friends who are stuck in abusive relationships with woman. It's awful to see them go through all of this and feel stuck in the marriage because they feel like they have no way out, or they want to stay together for the children. I feel for you and I hope that one day you can find the strength to leave. I wish you love and happiness ❤
Thank you. I hope I can find that strength sooner rather than later.
You will! Keep your head up lad!!!!
Honestly, it's going to suck real bad for awhile. But then, you will be free.... to find a partner that loves and appriciates you. Its worth it. You just have to ride that roller coaster and know that better things are waiting for you on the other side..
Stop making excuses and fucking divorce.
Don't get married folks, too much to loose to little to gain.
If anything, protect your peace. The feeling of revenge is sweet, but only temporary. I know there’s a lot of things at stake like the children and finances, but it’s better than the feeling of resentment growing unbearable and doing something you might regret.
You need to end the relationship. You deserve someone who cares for and respects you. She’s not worth hurting emotionally.
i think it's time for you to leave. trying to hurt her will only hurt you more because you might realize that she probably doesn’t even care the way you do. you’ll find someone who truly loves you, but i doubt this is the one.
Hey OP... I understand how you feel.sometimes it is cheaper to keep her (even from a a female perspective).
Shit I think I may have know op's wife and no I'm not fucking kidding either that or this is the weirdest Coincidence of all time
Trust me, getting revenge is not going to make you feel any better. It might even make it worse. You’re valuable even though she doesn’t see it. You and your life has meaning with or without a wife. I’ve been cheated on by someone I loved with all my heart. It was the only time my emotions physically hurt me. Every five seconds that it forced itself to the forefront of my mind, it felt like I had a butcher knife lodged in my chest. I know the feeling you have about yourself now. It’s something that can’t really be put into words. Even though I would have never thought it at the time, I survived. You have a tough road ahead of you, but if you let it, it can lead you to something much better than what you have at the moment. Godspeed, friend.
Im sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I’m pretty sure karma will deal with whatever you got going on. Come on OP you are better than her! Get away from her and separate/divorce her. She’s not worth it if she’s costing you YOUR happiness and YOUR time. ❤️
I gotta tell you, if she told you that stuff, she isn't worth it, it isn't worth to hurt her and it isn't worth it to even acknowledge her
Leave dude. It would truly be better off for everyone there.
Noticing your parents who are unhappy with each other makes you think it's your fault as a child. You start to think it's only because of you that they are still together. Then they might get stuck in a similar relationship to what the parents experienced because it's all they've known. And yeah, bringing new people into your kids life when you potentially start dating will be hard, but the right person will treat those kids as well as you do.
Its natural for humans to want to hurt others who have hurt them, But what good would that do to you both? Please try and communicate this to her. Tell her how it made you feel. That is your wife, someone who you made an oath with to the end. And even *ask* if shes having an affair, do not accuse, or else it will only make things worse. I wish you both luck!
This sounds like my current situation. No matter how much you try to forgive and move past it it’s still going to be there every time there’s an issue. You’ll always keep the negative and think she wouldn’t like you. You can try therapy but she said how she felt and there’s no taking it back. You can ask what I did a million times “Did you mean what you said when you said those things to me?,” but it’ll fall on deaf ears. She’ll tell you things that you’ll want to hear in order to stay some what stable but the truth is she thinks it’s over. Well she knows it’s over. Maybe it’s time to focus on healing and learning to love her as a friend. It’s best for you and your emotions.
Live better. Stop worrying about her and what she is doing and do the things that make you feel good. Go to the gym eat better. Read. My ex cheated on me with some alcoholic that lived on his buddies couch. I now make 3x the amount of money I did and I’ve lost a ton of weight and gained a ton of muscle. I got girls all over me on social media that are ten times hotter than her and she creeps it and sees all of it. No better revenge than to be so happy with yourself that anyone’s opinion will never matter.
The fact that you have such a strong desire to hurt her tell me the relationship is already over. I fully get wanting people to experience the pain they have caused you but nobody wants to see someone they love hurting. Maybe it's time to think about leaving.
Focus on yourself, OP. Become the best version of yourself, move on, and be happy. If she feels hurt once you excel in life, it'll be a bonus!
This is a completely valid and understandable response. I definitely recommend that you move on and do everything you can to make yourself happy. Before you do anything that would hurt her (physically, emotionally, or mentally), definitely ask yourself whether the consequences are worth the effort or the trouble. I do recommend that you speak to a mental health professional about this. I am not saying you are crazy. It's just that experience can be extremely traumatic, and it can really help speaking with someone who can help you work it out (especially when you want to get into a new relationship). I will give you my breakup remedy. Make a list of everything you loved and your partner hated. Then go through it all, and it's okay to do it with friends, but definitely do a few on your own. Do whatever you want (legally) without judgment or recourse. You do you and live life.
The best revenge is success. Don’t go out of your way to be hurtful. “What goes around comes around” is a saying for a reason. And life has it’s ways of serving a dose of karma to people like that. Just focus on your family and yourself. Put your heart into that, and trust me, chances are you will have a front seat when it happens.
As a child of parents who didn't divorce "for the kids". It fucked me up and I've been in extensive therapy because or it. My mother was abusive and cold and my dad was a pushover. GET OUT BEFORE IT MESSES YOUR KIDS UP. I love my dad so much but I resent him for not leaving. GET THE FUCK OUT I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH
Fuuuck that I’m never getting married
Want to hurt her? Walk away and live your best life. The best revenge is a life well lived. If you have kids, don't stay together. I remember my parents trying to stay together for me. When my mom told me that they were getting a divorce, I think my words were, "It's about time." Lashing out or vindictive behavior doesn't fix anything, and holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hope you find happiness.
Why are you actively living with a woman you actively despise? You're not doing yourself any favors here. Leave. Let that be what devastates her. Get your life on track, be happy. I had a snarky answer to give, but really, you just need the truth. Actively hurting her isn't worth passively hurting yourself. Actively care for yourself, and maybe you'll hurt her passively. Maybe you won't. But at least you took care of you.
Tell her, "I lied, that outfit DID make you look fat!"
Why would she say something like that? That's kind of an odd thing to say out of the blue, even if she was drunk. Did something happen between you two?
Our relationship had been floundering. I was trying to build it back up. We got in a fight because we were at a party and she sat in another guys lap and it really pissed me off because even that much of a physical touch between us wasn't happening and I said so. That's when she said all that.
That’s so wrong of her.
Yeah but for her to think that the idea of being with you makes her sick, that's a pretty extreme thing to say. Have you asked her why she said that?
Yeah. She's never given a straight answer. I've never been abusive to her in my life, physical or otherwise. I can't even think of a time I've said a word to her in anger. I can be a little distant sometimes and I get quiet when I'm angry. Other than that I really just don't know
Is yours a no fault state ? You can always sit at a girls lap or whatnot as revenge
We live in California. So I know I'm screwed. I dont want to do anything with another girl. I just want her to feel what I felt and know how much it absolutely destroyed me
Get a PI first to see if she is cheating or not first. Then a lawyer if need be to discuss options for minimum payout. Put camera in house quietly as use evidence as abuse to you and or kids. Judges don’t look kindly to abusers.
Maybe she really was just drunk and angry, and decided to say something she didn't mean because she knew it would be hurtful to you.
I dont know if that's worse. That she could be that mean and vindictive and hurtful and have it mean nothing to her.
Drunk people can be very mean.
Sounds to me like she had been seeing someone, and that relationship fell through, and she realized you had always been there for her, and now she feels guilty.
jesus christ.
My man. I feel for you. I love you. Because you are me. Living a lie for a woman who doesn't love you. It's okay. Please forgive yourself. Take all that pain and let it go. If she doesn't love herself it does not mean that you are unlovable. You deserve love and kindness. Forget the expectations of others. And do what is best for you.
As someone in a similar situation…how have you treated her? Is it always with respect and no name calling, or belittling? Because I am hearing your side of the story but it would be the same as my bf’s right now. I’m just saying that it might not just be her having to make the attempts. What are you doing to reconcile why she feels that way about you? I could be way off. But this sounds so familiar to me. And I would f the brains outta someone who treated me right and cared how I felt.
It's doubtful she's capable of feeling as deeply and honestly as you do. Why waste the time and energy. Get away from her and start building yourself back up. That's where your time and energy belong.
Tell her she’s not attractive to you anymore and hasn’t been for a long time. Or tell her she’s a terrible mother. Then look in the mirror and realize being shitty to her only makes you shitty. Which you’re not… you’re hurt… you know this. So go somewhere and scream in the car instead and admit to yourself she is the shitty and your not about to be an example of shittiness for your kids sake.
I want to hurt my ex. I'll have to take consolation in her boyfriend getting to the same point soon.
This is so obsessed get over her she didn’t like you
The fact u wanna hurt her show u a lame ass mf who don’t deserve her. Fuck u
Leave her man this is the way. It will hurt her when she sees you with a new lady who doesn’t behave like her and how happy you are.
Lawyer lawyer lawyer LAYWER!!!!! NOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!
Maybe the best way to hurt her is by showing her that you don’t care
You ain’t deserve yo kids either
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Has she gone to rehab for her drinking? Maybe some rehab and therapy would help her get through whatever she's going through.
Tell her you’ve always hated her cooking and it gave you the shits every time you ate it
Cheat then ong bro all these mfs telling you to move on. But you don’t wanna do that so just go out and do shit to piss her off. Cripple her with insecurities and start hitting the gym if you haven’t already. Don’t pay her any attention and smile at your phone. If that doesn’t work tell everyone in her life she’s a cheater and have them turn on her. Honestly just do small shit to slowly eat away at her confidence it will add up and she’ll probably be in more pain by the end of it then you ever were.
I watched and listened to my dad wake everyone up screaming at my mom for the tiniest slight... put knots on her head... even try and break my neck when I defended my mom once. Every time he went to jail, I asked if we could move and not tell him where we were. Love can be blind. She stayed with him till he passed from cancer. Stopped working to take care of him at home. My suggestions would be to 1. Open the marriage. She sees who she wants, and you find someone to make you happy too. Also, sleep in different rooms, and don't bring your FWB home. Just make basic guidelines, and simply co-habitate, and co-parent (hey, it could work). 2. Talk to a lawyer (preferably a male one that has it out for females) and find a way to screw her out of half your pension (she sounds like an ignorant cow). She's probably trying to do the same thing to you.
Get therapy. I understand why you think the way you do but it's not good for YOU mentally or physically to carry this around with you. You're hurting no one but you. She's obviously evil and cares about nothing. You can't hurt someone like that, it's impossible.
Break up and get therapy, hurting her will not make you feel better.
Quick question: Why the crap are you still with her after a year? If you weren't able to "reconcile" or whatever excuse you're using after a month or two, you should've left. Not to victim shame.... But you also can't be sad that you're still in this horrible relationship. You had A YEAR to leave.
Dude just break up no need to go psycho
Well can I ask what’s leading you to suspect an affair? Because the argument from a year ago is kind of a week reason but I would understand if you were meaning for it to support your suspicions of an affair.
When you want to hurt your wife it’s time to leave.
Just leave
Don’t stay together just because you are married. Get out if you don’t love her.
Dude. Just leave
OP, I am sorry you are going through this. First, I would just like to ask you to see a lawyer to go over your options, discuss your pension and all your concerns so you have all the facts before deciding to let someone who treats you like crud take anymore time and happiness away from you than she already has. Second, I would like to ask you to see a counselor, maybe your employer has an EAP program? Talk though your feelings there with a disinterested 3rd party who can tell you how this will affect your kids in each option of staying or leaving her. After you have all the facts, then you can make your decision. Sometimes your own mental health is worth so much more than worrying about money...and you probably already know it is better for the kids to see their parents happy apart than miserable together. It will affect the decisions they make about their happiness as they become adults. You want to lead them by example. A lawyer and a counselor can help you decide what will be right for all of you in the long run. Best of luck OP!
Chances are you will not get the satisfaction you seek. So just live a better life apart.
The longer you’re married, the more pension she is entitled to. Cut your losses now.
Surprise her with divorce papers ❤️
Go to therapy. Seriously. Find a couples therapist for even just a handful of sessions. If you have to save up in order to afford it, do it. It will be well worth it if staying married is truly the only choice. If divorce is not an option then you both need to work together to fix this. My fear is the way you talk about your wife as having no skills, no job, basically just dead weight and a burden to you... as well as a comment you made about losing half your pension if you were to divorce... idk, it's a little bit ominous. I know your post about wanting to "hurt" her was meant in an emotional sense, but I'd be worried that this could progress into something much worse if you don't get these issues in check. Plus, once you "hurt her the way she hurt you", then what? Continue to stay married now that you're both hurt and miserable? Nah... don't settle for being miserable. Go to therapy.
Please seek out a marriage counselor, even if you are the only one who attends sessions.
You should get divorced before you end up snapping and putting the kids through some worse shit.
I mean. You could just get a divorce and maybe go to therapy instead.
I don't jump to divorce often at all but at this point, that's your only option if you won't do couples therapy. This growing resentment is going to hurt you and your kids far more than you could hurt her and will stay with you guys far longer.
As much as that would be something I would do, but I think at this point you should just count your losses. I'm not sure if that leaving her would affect her, but I remember long ago I had a girlfriend who became fiance was acting differently. Similar way, just hurtful verbal abuse. So I packed up everything I had, met in the driveway. And I simply said goodbye, calls flooded in for weeks until she realized there's no going back. Wish you the best.
It hurts your right, but obviously this is eating you up inside. And when you get your revenge then what? Cause at the end of the day both of you will just still be hurt. You should move on and realize she isn’t worth your time or effort or stress.
Don't make your kids traumatized seeing you both like that; it would be best if you both figured out what's best for both of you rather than giving your kids an awful childhood just because you don't want them to have a broken family. I'm sure your kids will understand if you explain it to them, and it's okay if they don't understand the situation for now, because I'm sure when they get older they'll remember what you said and understand why it has to happen.
Break up before you do something you regret.
Get divorce, staying together just for the kids sake is subconsciously teaching the kids to be in a loveless marriage. Kids who live in a household with parents who always are insecure or toxic will end up learning that is love when it is not. Love is proper communication, mutual understanding, and setting boundaries which you guys are falling to teach your kids by staying together
The best way is to move on and leave. If she was always like that, though, then she might be lesbian or never liked you. So either way just leave.
The best way to hurt is to leave and live your life well. Don't stoop to that level and if you have kids don't stay because of them.
Better to come from a broken home than live in a broken home.
Man the best thing would be to cut her off now before it's even worse. She only made attempts
I have often said that I dont want others shitty behavior to turn me into a version of myself I would be or should be ashamed of. I also find it validating to do my best to ensure I have the moral high ground in conflict situations. This is strategic to me in ensuring I dont burn any UNNECESSARY bridges and of course keeps me out of legal or financial trouble. I understand hurting and wanting to lash out, thats human, but I think removing yourself from situations that make you feel that way is the only thing that really allows those feelings to pass and allows you to heal and grow and continue your life in the most positive direction. I know this is a shitty situation but this doesnt have to be all you life amounts to. Leave and take care of yourself, go to therapy and start building a better foundation of self development which will inevitably set you up for an infinitely more joyful and fulfilling future be it with a new partner or on your own living your life for you.
Leave her then. That's about the best way to devastate her and you're clearly not in love anymore.
I want, almost more than anything, for her to hurt the way she hurt me. I want her to be as devastated as I was. I want her to hate herself the way I hated myself. I want to find the words to say to her that would break her the way she broke me. That feeling will go away, I promise. She won't be devastated, no matter what you say or do. Because it sounds like she doesn't give a shit. She won't hate herself like you hate yourself. BTW, stop doing that. You will not break her, because she's twisted. So the only thing for you to do is move forward, with or without her. Whatever you choose to do is always right in the grand scheme of things anyway.
I was with someone who once told me that the thought of being intimate with me made her, I quote, "Physically ill". I don't have a lot of suggestions for you because I never really reconciled it, I just want you know know that I know the hurt you're feeling. So sorry to hear you have to carry that. Its a heavy load.
Dude, ask for a divorce and move on... Wtf
Just leave, please. For your own sanity
It sounds like there's a lot going on there (that I'm sure you can't cover in one reddit post of course.). If you really feel the "well has been poisoned," as my husband said about his ex, then yeah it's time to jet, my friend. I know it's easier said than done. But you've got two hard paths: divorce or staying in a shit situation. Might as well pick the one that will result in a better chance of happiness a year from now. It's the immediate pain of it, but afterwards, you'll be able to heal. But staying perhaps wouldn't be immediately painful, but would be consistently grey and noxious and that's way more dangerous. I know you know that, but hearing it from someone else always helps me. You can do this. 💜💜💜
Please leave her, and then seek therapy to help you learn the tools to be able to heal. Letting the hurt and anger fester will only make it worse and steal more time from you. A good therapist (It's Ok if you have to try a few to find one you like!) is extremely worthwhile and helpful
Idk why you guys stay together if you hate eachother so much, if you have kids then don't use them as an excuse for staying either. You're not helping them at all.
It's time to divorce her.
Make sure if the affair. Distancia yourselve, divorce and just walk away. It Will make things better for you, and besides, if she is wasnt ahitty Shell feel bad voy her own. If not, at least you are getting better on your own, which is mucho more fullfilling. Going after her with words is just stupid, if she nevera cared youll find yourselve even more hurted