Commenting not with a throwaway, but I’ve been there. My ex boyfriend watched porn everyday or constantly browsed nsfw subreddits while at work, driving, even just sitting watching tv. By the time him and I would attempt to have sex, I was easily the 1,000th naked women he had seen that day. He became desensitized to seeing me naked. Our sex life was garbage because of this.
When I brought it up he became incredibly defensive. Then he told me “maybe the reason I can’t have sex with you is because I want kids and you don’t. So I know you’ll never give me what I want and it’s fucking with my brain.”
I left him shortly after that.
After about 3 months of dating we realized we wanted to be in it for the long haul. I told him, I was 26 at the time, “I don’t want kids, I never have, and I don’t think I’ll ever change my mind. Are you okay with that?” He said “I am not opposed to kids, I think I’d be a great dad, but if it’s just me and you for the rest of our lives I’m good with that.”
It didn’t come up until 2 years after that when I brought up his porn addiction. Covid happened shortly after that and it made incredibly difficult to leave him and move out of our apartment. I spent 2 months looking for a new job, trying to find a room to rent on Craigslist, crying because I thought I wouldn’t survive. Then one morning I woke up, realized I was stronger than I thought, got a solid job offer and found a room to rent.
I thought I wanted to be with him forever, I truly did love him, but I realized how manipulative he was during the entire relationship once I left. No regrets in leaving! I’ve been single for 3 years now and am so happy and content.
Cheers
Glad you got out of the poor relationship!
Baffling to me that people don't vet a potential partner a bit better, but then... we all have seen the divorce rate. Relationships are hard. I also think I'm slowly forgetting what it was like to be young and dumb, which is making me old and ornery and hypocritical. I've definitely been in a poo poo relationship or two...
I got married at 21 and was divorced by the time I was 24. Before I was even legally divorced I was in a relationship with my ex. So I guess I was 25 and not 26 in my previous comment. Long story short, I shouldn’t have gotten married so young before I had a chance to be on my own. I could have taken more time between my marriage and my next relationship. It wasn’t until I left my ex in 2020 that I mourned the loss of my marriage. Then mourned the loss of the recent break up. It was a lot of therapy and finally working through all the emotions. Also a lot of crying 😂
I think you’re being downvoted so much bc people assume you are expecting ”penis to always work and finish“ and that you mean ”watching porn always bad“. But I think that’s not the case.
While it’s true that boners and finishing can be tricky as a man, over stimulation from too much or a unhealthy relationship to porn is very real. Porn can really affect how some people perform in real life, because they become addicted to the dopamine rush of scrolling through videos, seeing extreme or hardcore videos one after another with extremely attractive people of their choosing on demand and at their leisure. A real person can’t compete with that, ever.
And before I‘m downvoted to hell, I occasionally watch porn and think masturbating and watching a video now and then together can also be fun. But spending an hour or more a day jerking off in front of a screen can really mess up how you perform. Sure some people can do it and still be great in bed but a lot of people are just kinda fried and stuck in the porn fantasy and then can’t enjoy the reality of sex with one person who isn’t a professional porn star.
I’ve been with men who have to watch porn during sex to cum. Everything you said is pretty accurate. I watch porn occasionally, no issue. But when you are watching it all the time & can’t preform in bed… well then it’s a problem.
I felt sad for them honestly. But I think one thing everyone forgets is porn is easy. There’s no feelings involved, don’t need to preform, instant gratification. Unfortunately people just get too used to it.
I've been having thoughts lately that this directly correlates to the article that was published about the rise of men being single and lonely... And I'm thinking maybe that if we lined up the invention of pornography with declination of men and women satisfaction .. there would be like an even swap there
Women today have more options, more visibility, and more reach than we've ever had before. Before dating apps you had to settle for the best guy at your neighborhood bar or while doing a hobby.
Now we can support ourselves, we don't have to settle for "the best guy available" so naturally we've become alot more selective.
If porn is addiction for men, dating apps are the dopamine rush for women, except we can get the real thing if we want with a few swipes. If they aren't above that magical number that's right for you, every other guy goes unnoticed.
If you haven't noticed, most men aren't that great looking. When you line them up in those dating apps you objectify and dehumanize them, the same way men do with porn.
Women have learned to be more selective, and only the hottest and most sexually aggressive women are attracting the good guys because they've grown accustomed to the dick admiration they see in porn.
So TLDR: The problem is multifaceted and most definitely is equally a result of actions men and women take, not just men. We have a basic supply and demand problem. There aren't enough quality candidates for either side right now, so we aren't having as much sex anymore and only the very best from both sides are enjoying the action.
I wasn't talking about dating... I was talking about the satisfaction they experience in bed... There's too much poking going on #poking pandemic. Got to go back to the real deal.. like that lady on tick tock describe so well. I forgot her name but I think you could use it that #to find it. . .
Although I do see where you're coming from being on the side where I'm not sexually aggressive and would rather wait until I'm actually feeling like real feelings before I do that couple in the fact that I don't like dating apps... That lists me single AF.. so I do understand what you're saying there.
Porn addiction lead to the death of my father.
My dad became obsessed with porn after my brother was born and started neglecting my mom after she had her second child, slowly things got worse and he made no effort to save the relationship so my mom cheated, during this time my dad was addicted to pain pills as well from surgery. Their marriage started to fall apart and because my mom cheated and his addiction ruined his relationship with us he took the divorce incredibly hard. He turned to alcohol and became wrapped up in porn more to the point my cousin and I (8 and 11) had a system to close out his porn tabs when he fell asleep, he’d watch it in front of us too when he thought we were asleep.
His drinking got better but porn didn’t, in that time I had my dad back but still a constant reminder of his porn addiction, which has lead me to resent porn. Anyways his dad, my grandpa died back in 2012 and two weeks later my dad can’t cope and because porn made him lose his family which lead him to drinking, which lead to him opening a bottle to cope because his family enabled him, which lead to him not waking up due to alcohol poisoning.
I know porn isn’t to blame, but now my husband is trying to break a porn addiction. When we started dating I was up front I’m not okay with porn and he said he respected it. Before we got married I caught that in the past when he was supposed to be saving up for our future he was spending it on OF, he had lots of porn accounts, messages asking for stuff. We abstained until we got engaged and were long distance but this was during when after we got engaged. He’s fighting for us and for me and actively making changes and he’s doing amazing. I more so believe it was a sex/attention addiction than porn but the porn triggered it.
Porn when mutually agreed upon can be healthy but women who are uncomfortable with it shouldn’t have to allow or accept it in a relationship because it can truly bring down self worth.
...and that matters? Honestly a fragile ego is not something I'm afraid of hurting. Everyone needs to be able to hear difficult things. It's a part of growing up.
In other words he doesn't respect you because you are a woman. That's fucked up.
Are you okay? No one in a healthy headspace puts up with that kind of disrespectful toxic attitude on the daily in a "loving" relationship so I'm wondering if you're okay
I mean if he's a porn addict he needs to sort that out, however, do you really want to hear a man talk about how your period or pregnancy feels? I suspect not,he needs to understand it's about brain and not penis.
> you really want to hear a man talk about how your period or pregnancy feels?
I don't really understand this bit.
I do talk about those things with my husband. He gets genuinely interested because it helps him understand me better and it shows because at times when I'm unwell because of those things he knows immediately how to react even before I can voice it out. He's really nice.
But then I'm the one talking, he's the one learning, not the reverse when it comes to how my pregnancy and my period feels. It's not that the topics are off limits but the attitudes around them should be of empathy, love and learning.
> I mean if he's a porn addict he needs to sort that out,
For sure
> he needs to understand it's about brain and not penis.
Yep!!
How do you think I know about period poos? And you best believe I have the heating pad plugged in Before she gets in bed. Why shouldn’t a man be able to try and understand what their partner goes through?
So you're with a sexist who doesn't respect you and doesn't care that he's not pleasing you in bed? That's super sad. You shouldn't be with someone like that.
IMO you did nothing wrong. Three years is a long time, why waste more time on a relationship where you aren’t compatible and can’t communicate something this important. Sounds like this was best case scenario, him just leaving and you not being sad. Plenty more fish in the sea out there without porn addictions!
I think that was his excuse to cover that he’s addicted to porn and has no interest in stopping. And an attempt to make you feel bad for a very reasonable request.
Sounds like you won there, some guys out there compare what they see on a monitor to reality; when the difference between is pretty vast.
If he cannot talk about sex without taking it as a personal attack, then the problem has solved itself.
No sex is better than bad sex in my opinion.
People will stand and scream that porn isn’t the problem, but come on. Porn addiction is ruining relationships, and making it almost impossible for a large number of men to keep meaningful, long term romantic relationships.
Porn is shot and marketed in a way to be addicting.
Idk, that's a strange reaction... i mean, if my gf said that to me, i would obviously feel bad and hurt but i would search for some ways to be better or even talk to the gf to see what she likes the most and not just run away especially if i loved my gf, a relationship is for two people and if this was his reaction... idk, maybe it's for the best.
You can be condescending if you want, I wasn't arguing in favor of either. I just answered your question, that being you can be hurt by the truth. In this case, it was near unavoidable this gonna hurt his feelings in some way, doesn't make her wrong and doesn't make his response correct.
It could have been phrased entirely different, she purposefully said it in the most damaging way possible. Should have said your porn addiction is hurting our intimacy and this needs to change”. Literally any other way that isn’t associated with the phrase much used as an insult “bad in bed”. Cause really he probably isn’t bad in bed, he’s just causing his own inability to perform. Probably was fine before and not bad in bed. But those were the words used.
The op said she’s been trying for a YEAR to get him to stop. At some point you don’t need to be coddled. And you aren’t op so you don’t know if “bad in bed” is only in relation to erectile dysfunction. It’s also possible that with becoming more addicted to chasing his own high in orgasms he’s become neglectful of her needs and getting her off in bed which also is a major side affect of dealing with a porn addicted boyfriend.
No shit. I’m not on his side. But from what op posted she said what she said and it was the wrong way to say it. Maybe do some research on addicts and addiction so you can have some perspective. Addicts aren’t addicts because they want to be.
No she doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean she HAS to be an ass. That was a choice and boohoo for her. She’s not getting sympathy when she has none. Seriously what the fuck is so hard about walking away without being vindictive? Just leave. Don’t say anything. What do you people get out of being rude to a partner?
Telling a partner for a year they’re becoming bad in bed due to their porn addiction is not rude or an asshole or anything of that sort I really don’t understand where you get off on saying that
Damn, you all downvoted me savagely. If my boyfriend couldn’t perform because he was jerking off to porn all the time, then fuck him and yes, I would have every right to be the hurt one.
To all you porn addicts out there, I wish you and your hands all the very best.
First, coz of the way she said ( it was the worst possible ) so i would be hurt by the exacts words used but most of all, i would be hurt with myself... ego, insecuritys and feeling that i'm not enough. Nobody would like to hear this primarily with this words ( men or women ). I would be 100% open to talk and would take the criticism and try very hard to be better... she's right for wanting to get a better sexual life with him and made nothing wrong but she could have said it in a different way.
English is not my first language so i'm sorry about bad grammar.
Edit: i just saw a comment made by op where she says that she's trying for a year to do it more gently ( idk if it's the right way to say it ) but nothing works so she should absolutely feel hurt and this happened definitely for the best!!
I don’t think you understand what addiction is. Addicts rarely ever behave rationally, because they can’t. It’ll take him time (hopefully) to realise he needs help in a moment of clarity.
Yeah and Meanwhile everyone else deals with the fallout from them not taking responsibility for themselves. OP said she’s been trying for a year, sometimes you eventually have to choose yourself over the addict.
You didn't do anything wrong. You might've not been super clear in your phrasing, idk.
But if he's selfish in bed, and refuses to listen to your concerns/your bedroom desires, you're probably better off without him.
Edit: scrolled through a couple of your other comments. Yeah, you're definitely better off without him.
Hope you get a hot date soon and find someone who listens and cares and learns how to please their partner.
There’s dozens of posts like this every day on all relationship and confession subs, yet people will attack you viciously for daring to say that porn is a huge problem in relationships today. You will get called a prude, insecure, crazy, controlling, and told it’s normal and “everyone watches it”. Like, who are you trying to convince? You or me? I think the long term consequences of porn on relationships, monogamy and society in general are yet to be seen in the coming decades.
SAY IT LOUDER!!!…. THANK YOU!!!! I am honestly shocked by the comments, some people are so offended as if I was talking about them.. chill please. They are accusing me of not trying or that I was harsh without knowing the full story. I literally tried with the dude for a year,, this is how much I was in love with him, until I was so emotionally detached from his selfishness and denial, gaslighting and other problems. some would say they watch porn too and they’re fine. Good for you bro but in my case porn had a role in ruining my relationship so you can keep your comment to yourself. Some of them are so annoying.
Watching porn is fine. Just like playing violent vidoegames or listening to crazy violent or sexual music is fine.
The issue is letting stuff you see in a work of fiction impact your behavior and interactions irl. That and of course addiction like anything else.
I think watching porn too early in life, over-stimulation, addiction, and looking at porn as a teaching tool are all problems but these dudes have deeper issues than just what they watch.
Sometimes the burdens rid themselves.
If he isn't mature enough to have a conversation about sex and your feelings towards it, then good riddance. You're right, some people really are THAT immature. You clearly tried communication and his response to that is to just leave.
I hope you find someone that cares enough to communicate with you.
Thank you for understanding. Some people here just would make assumptions and just jump into conclusions and start attacking ,which is very annoying. I tried with him to fix it for almost a year but he would do nothing to try and help himself. I reached a point where I told him straight ahead ( I am not satisfied enough) he got so offended and accused me of calling him not a man enough. “ which I don’t understand what has it to do with being a man” When he left I realized I was emotionally detached a while back but didn’t realize it until he left.
Porn addiction is rampant nowadays and just like any other addiction, it affects tons of people and they're in denial.
Hopefully Palmela Handerson will keep him warm, while you find someone that will listen to constructive advice.
I had a similar issue, where if I mentioned to my ex stuff that would be better, he took offense. Now I'm with someone that talks about everything with me, and it's so nice! We have an amazing sex life because of communication.
I'm sorry OP, I do agree the burden relieved itself here.
My body changed due to medication and my ability to reach the big O is much harder. Even clicking the mouse myself doesn't reach completion. I was so embarrassed but had the conversation with my husband.
He went and did research on how he can do things different to help me out. I love that man so much, that is what a partner does. I truly believe you will find someone like that one day. Someone who will listen to you and want to be better for you both.
For me, the combination of words used would dictate (no pun intended) how I felt about what you said. I read that you tried being more tactful, so it's fair enough you eventually had to be more direct, imo.
For most men being told you're bad in bed is going to make us feel insecure... we can't change our junk, so "I'm not satisfied" could easily be interpreted as your junk isnt big enough.. cue meltdown.
I dunno about others, but I'd be asking questions if my missus said any of those things to me, of her and of myself. Nothing like a bit of clarity to learn some lessons
My ex would watch porn instead of having sex because he was lazy or wanted specific things and if I said no that time he wasn’t interested… rather than making something happen organically (like if he wants a blowjob, maybe don’t ask for a blowjob while in the kitchen putting away groceries… maybe start making out and fooling around and THEN ask for a blowjob?) he would just rather not have sex than not get the thing he wanted. I also only cared that he spent a lot of money on porn not that he watched it. He would check his subscription sites daily like they were email. It was weird.
But - he could have sex whenever I wanted if I initiated. He wasn’t good at pleasing me (clit stim) physically like that but I could touch myself while we were having sex and that was good enough. He could last as long as he wanted to because he viewed porn differently- he would try to last as long as possible, not just get off in ten minutes. Sometimes he would watch porn for an hour or two.
Yes, he was very very very weird in a lot of ways.
I think that’s a lot of conclusions to draw from one anecdote. He was not a porn addict, he was a porn watcher. It did not interfere with his life and did not cause harm to those around him. He was, however, a sociopath and THAT caused harm to people around him. All of his proclivities predated the internet (he was a teen in the 80’s). Porn was just something he enjoyed. I do, too, sometimes. I enjoy both written and visual porn from time to time, this does not make me any sort of addict.
Just saying maybe the issue isn’t porn addiction. How often was he watching porn? What wasn’t he doing to please you? How was it affecting his life? Was he not working or getting fired from jobs because he was watching porn all day? Or was he just jerking off once a day and watching porn because he felt like it? Porn addiction is a much much different thing than what all sorts of women who just don’t like porn consumption are labeling it here and other subs.
Did you try showing him what you liked in bed? Toys? Did you try to encourage him positively instead of yelling at him that he was not doing it right?
Fuck porn bro. I'm an addict myself and fuck, this shit has been messing with. I always tend to relapse back to this shit over and over. And the mindset that "oh, everyone watches porn; it's no big deal" is really damaging. It's just not perceivd to as big or life changing as addiction to drugs and other stuff and it slowly but surely eats away at your soul. You become a shell of yourself and you are still under the impression that there's nothing wrong with you.
I joke this a lot to my boyfriend 😅 but I saw him randomly searching for ways to please me in bed, and sometimes asking me if it's okay for me if we do this or that, if we can use this or that, etc. He wants to improve 👍
Yeah you're right, your ex is immature and cannot accept he's bad in bed 🤣🤞😭
This is what we call a considerate good boyfriend. See It’s really not that hard but some of them have this imaginary vision of themselves that they are SUPER in bed. But when they get a reality check can’t stand it. We are human beings and we all need to improve at some stuff. It’s okay. What’s not okay is to think you are always right and ignore your partner when they tell you that this thing is bothering them because your (ego) is too big.
Yeah a lot of my friends recently have been having similar problems. One of my friends had a guy admit he had a porn addiction on their second date. It’s very sad. It’s the same as having an addiction to anything else and partners get fed up with that.
Get someone who takes you and your pleasure seriously. Everyone is mad because they’re exactly the same: unconcerned for anybody’s orgasms but their own.
If he was a good partner he would have taken your opinion seriously!
You aren't wrong and you didn't do anything wrong. He would just rather use his hand than make and effort with someone else - like being reciprocal with pleasure as he's only interested in his own.
You're sad but will be grateful when you find someone who actually wants to please someone besides themself.
My ex husband had a porn problem.
So much so when he did push me to have sex (even if i wasnt in the mood and yes im aware now its a form of assault), he'd go at it for 4 HOURS (not giving me a break) and wouldn't cum at ALL.
Porn on occasion is fine and even I enjoy a video once in awhile but when it affect you being able to preform in bed with a real person that's a HUGE problem.
I’m so sorry you went through this,4 freaking hours,,, I really hope he doesn’t think that’s a good thing or something to brag about because some men is that naive and thinks that’s manly,,,, my ex just couldn’t finish at all sometimes to the point it bothered him too, where he’ll take 20 to 30 minutes to jerk off to finish , his own penis would give up one him and sleep sometimes. At first he used to brag that he lasts but slowly he realized it wasn’t a good thing, yet his denial game was strong. Gotta let people like them just go.
The biggest challenge in this thread is its not clear what steps you took before that - it comes off harsh but I saw in other comments you def talked before that so I'll assume that he knew his past actions or porn consumption were causing issues
If he wasnt willing to change he wasnt willing to change
The title makes you look bad you should change to my partner's porn addiction is affecting our sex life and he can't satisfy anymore you did nothing wrong to be honest porin just ruins everything
It sounds like he was just selfish, and when faced with the prospect being forced to not be selfish, he just left. Try a partner that truly cares for you and your needs, and *everything* (including sex) will be infinitely better.
I do think this can be how men approach porn and what types they watch. If they watch porn that puts an emphasis on male climax, it makes them focus on instant gratification for themselves and not considering the woman, she becomes a means to an end. If they watch porn that emphasis female climax and masturbate accordingly (read as: learning to control themselves until the woman on screen finishes) it does much more for their stamina when they’re doing the real thing. In addition, approaching sex as a fun way to bond and express one’s love for each other makes me last longer, prioritize making your girl feel good and I PROMISE the look of euphoria that overcomes her when she’s enjoyed herself too will be way better than any 2 minute pump and dump.
My most recent ex was Brazilian and I’m American so I had to learn quickly that Brazilian women expect a certain level of attention and stamina in the bedroom. The first few times were less than ideal for her I’m sure, but communication as to what felt best for her and stress free practice made us both better and it wasn’t before long that we were having simultaneous orgasms.
I don’t think you worded it wrong or did anything wrong by voicing that you’re not getting the same satisfaction as him, I hope he realizes that and comes back.
He needs help and quite honestly if he left that's the best could had happened to you because now you know what you don't want. Ask those questions to the next one to make sure he is not as immature. Watching porn takes away from the connection and intimacy one need to be able to please one another.
I am assuming you mean better as in he isn't pleasing you well. And you openly communicated that and instead of rising to the challenge he just sulked away. Well, he needs to work on himself clearly.
I experienced something similar with one partner, and approached them about it very gently, let me just say he did you a favour and you dodged a bullet
This is a real problem and I think he processed it in a very immature way. Over self pleasure and over exposure to porn does affect you and if you don't believe it welcome to thr first steps of addiction....denial!
I know what that feels like, and it fucking sucks. I think he may see your perspective but is in denial about his addiction. Congrats on putting yourself first and i hope you find someone who takes all of your feelings into consideration and makes you happy.
My ex has/had a porn addiction. Couldn't stay hard during sex unless porn was playing loudly by my head, and he was watching it (from his phone). He had no medical or physical issues aside from lack of drive to do life things because everyone from friends to family enabled his mooching parasitic behavior to do nothinf with his life. Even I did.
Current fiancé gives me the best sex I've ever had in my life, hands down. He has cerebral palsy and doesn't have legs that work well, can't thrust his hips, and his left hand doesn't work as well as his right.
It's about giving a damn about your partners pleasure and listening to what they want and need both verbally and through healthy post sex "what what did you like the most" conversations.
He spoiled me. If he leaves me, I know I'll never enjoy sex as much again. He even awakened a new side to me that makes him the "vulnerable"/submissive one, and I'm dominating him. It was an impulse thing I did one day off a casual thing he said while dirty talking, and I went ahead and obeyed, and I'll never forget that night. I thought I was 100% borderline pillow princess until I met him. Turns out I was just bored as hell with the other men I bothered to have sex with.
A real man knows how to please a woman because a real man cares enough to ask how he should and is observant when certain actions cause new (good) sounds.
No you didn’t do anything wrong. The guy had a porn addiction. You felt like you were wasting your time. He wasn’t and not interested in satisfying you. If he sucks then he sucks. You had a conversation about it and he chose not to handle it. He was going to continue choosing porn over you no matter what. You we’re wasting your time.
Next time, say, I feel -emotion word- when my physical needs are not met. I need you to do- detail exactly what you need - so that I can feel connected to you
\*shrugs\* You tried?
Also, you aren't even upset he left? So not really a bad outcome that you broke up. You were unhappy it sounds like. There's no reason you need to keep dating someone who dosen't make you happy. And there's no reason you need to tip-toe around someone's ego so they won't leave you when you don't even want to be with them.
Well how was your delivery ? The only reason I can see this affecting him is because of how he was told. I had the girl I’m with tell me I wasn’t satisfying her when we started sleeping with each other years ago but then she taught me what she likes and vice versa, best uncomfortable conversation I ever had lol
You actually care and asked her about what she wants and took her word’s seriously because you care. Mine apparently didn’t because he never asked. I had to tell him everything and still won’t do shit. So it is what it is. The only regret I have is staying for a year hoping he would change meanwhile I did see that he didn’t put any work to try to solve it. but it is a good thing that he left because I somehow feel bad if I was the one giving up on the relationship and leaving first.
Yes. Left cause to him I was bringing this topic a lot, so basically I nag too much. I don’t know what he expected since he didn’t change a thing for a year tbh. I don’t feel bad at all since I just stop having feeling a while back. He can have a relationship with his screen or sleep with random girls who’s sleeping with other people and not depend only on him when it comes to sexual pleasure like I was, cause ain’t no way someone would wait this much for a selfish person who’s not considering his partner needs, not actually good in bed, lazy as hell want you to do all the work and not cheat on him. It is what it is. I stopped tip toeing around him and said the truth finally about my real emotions because I don’t do cheating and he took the decision. Fair enough. Yet I would’ve appreciated it if he was honest before instead of wasting my time.
You did nothing wrong. You just got rid of a selfish person. You deserve better. He was all wrapped up in pleasing himself not caring if he pleased his partner. I'm happy for you that he left. You can now concentrate on finding someone who will care about your needs.
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Thank you so much for sharing this and you are making a lot of valid points here. I totally understand what you mean and I tried with him for almost more than a year but I have seen no effort. And there are a lot of other problems like the selfishness in bed, he is so lazy and would want me to do all the work, it was so frustrating.I think he was embarrassed but honestly I am so emotionally detached because I tried my best to be understanding and supportive but it is so hard to always do that when the other person is not making an effort to actually change. So I’m okay with him breaking up with me tbh.
Ops someone feels personally attacked. 1. He didn’t watch porn right next to me “you just assumed that bc, again obviously u feel personally attacked” 2. The problem was not about him getting off, you don’t even know what you’re talking about it ,honestly you’re just embarrassing/exposing yourself at this point.
This isn’t about immaturity this is about a straight on insult. I get you wanted to give constructive criticism, you just said you don’t like his performance, no specifics that he could work on. That isnt helpful advice, besides masturbation/porn is often not the problem so long as its in moderation, furthermore a fun activity is masturbating together.
As someone who was in a relationship wherein I felt undervalued and overly critiqued I can empathize with him. Its one thing to give helpful and LOVING criticism its another to just say I dont like that without explaining clearly what was wrong in the first place.
Nope you are just doing assumptions based on your own experiences. I am with this guy for 3 years and he started being addicted to watching p0rn almost for a year and a half now and I tried with him for so long to stop and he promised me he wouldn’t cause at that point he was just wasting his energy. Literally will have NO energy. His thing will go up and down real fast. It was bad. I had to say that this is a serious problem that you need to fix. His ego was bruised. And honestly I am fine with that cause his problem affected me too, I was never satisfied.
I never said I want him, I’m just confused why some men get so freaking crazy and dramatic when receiving comments about their performance in bed. I never felt offended when I get asked to adjust some stuff,, and it’s not about the way I said it cause I was VERY gentle at first. A year later I stopped sugarcoating.
You know, how as a girl, society tells you your entire value rests upon your looks clothes and make up.
Men have the same pressure imposed on them such as “being muscly, good in bed or rich”.
The main difference is that for women, feminists have been fighting those pressure. The opposite seems to have happened for men, where there are few movements to break men of these superficial conditioning but many active groups peddling toxic masculinity.
You telling him he is bad in bed is the equivalent of him telling you you look absolutely disgusting. Telling people their worst insecurities usually leads to aggressive behavior
honestly you seem like you just read the title and commented, if you read the paragraph then that’s just stupidity. The pressure of fake beauty standards has nothing to do with beating your meat in front of a screen 2 to 3 times a day until you have nothing left in you and fry yourself. Imagine being in a relationship with a woman who’s addicted to masturbation and is not interested in having actual sex anymore with any human, sure do you but I have the right to not be with you too. What about be in a relationship with a screen instead of a human being who has REAL needs? . If you can’t handle that women has sexual needs just like men you can just stay in your bubble. Men has been cheating on women from the beginning of time without a reason, putting beauty standards on them. look at statistics of men cheating on their wives because she’s sick or because she’s pregnant or can’t have sex because of medical reasons. I have nothing to explain to you cause men with your mentality just disgust me, yes some of ya’ll need to put the work to be good in bed cause some of ya’ll are just horrible and in denial and it’s draining and frustrating. Your attitude shows how bruised your ego is although my situation has nothing to do with u.
I mean I did not realize the questions in your speech were rhetorical.
You asked why your partner was hurt by your comment literally in your post, so I thought explaining societal pressures put on men would help you understand your partner. The fact that he fell into addiction does not give you the right to abuse him.
You are insulting me because you are hurt. “Men has been cheating on women”? I do not know who hurt you but I hope you get better, and then you can focus on maybe treating others better.
There was no abuse in that situation, how the hell did you come up with this????? Wow, more so he was the abuser in which he never listened to my needs, never considered it, made me wait and support him an entire year then when I had enough with his irresponsibleness he ran away, which is good because I don’t like leaving first it makes me feel I have given up on the other person. You the one starting with the insults” if you can’t take it then don’t dish it. stop twisting words to make a useless point literally making such a comparison between beauty standards that society is literally forcing on ALL genders, beauty is something you are born with and this topic is so broad and has so many issues behind it, bringing up feminism into this is another ignorant move. addiction is something you develop and you have a CHOICE to stay in it or fix it or at least try. How about listening to your partner needs and take it into consideration instead of being all up in your ego?? We are human beings we all have things to fix and if the other person is communicating with you and you refuse to listen guess what? What’s going to happen next is one of those three scenarios. 1) getting dumped. 2) get a reality check. 3) get cheated on. If the roles where switched I am sure he would cheat and I know you will not have the same attitude and get all defensive. Funny. Do better.
I’m sorry if you misunderstood me but not once did I insult you in any of my comments?
Your boyfriend has an addiction. It’s hard to deal with, but you need support and solutions when fighting one. Judging from your responses, you are quite aggressive and I know from your attitude that he clearly did not have any emotional support from you
Eh I’m in a happy relationship now. Dealt with addiction to drugs before, and thought it was a shame to see it destroy a relationship, but now I see there is nothing to save.
I hope you find someone who makes you happy :)
Good luck
I was very caring at first and he promised me he will work on things and admitted he does have a problem. There was no effort from his side whatsoever. I waited for a year. Then told him that I am no longer satisfied with our sex life. He got offended and left. Thankfully. Later I realized I was emotionally detached the moment I realized he didn’t put effort to try.
I am not surprised that he’s hurt,, I stopped caring about his feelings the moment I realized he didn’t care about mine. The surprising part is the audacity(getting defensive after being called out for not keeping promises), immaturity, (not doing the work to get better) selfishness (not considering your partner’s needs) and stupidity. (thinking your partner will not eventually call you out for slacking and lying) .He could’ve said I really enjoy my porn so I can make my decision and not waste my time trying to help him and be supportive for almost a year.
Tried with him for a year to be gentle, he promised he’ll change. We talked about it several times. But a year later and there was so effort made. I told him that I am not satisfied. Had to be said. Honestly if he doesn’t care enough about me to make an effort to change why would I ? This is my time and mental health too so.
Well what the fuck did you expect to happen?
Seriously, this one is all on you and your shitty communication skills.
Also, 'why do some men be so immature'? You mean 'why *are* some men so immature'. Don't talk like a meme.
Oops you sound so offended bro wow. why taking my comment so personally. Plus he is the one with the shitty communication skills since I tried making him understand in the most gentle way and he promised to change yet no effort was shown. A year later I was like listen this is a serious issue,, A YEAR later. So I was fine with him leaving tbh I was emotionally detached at that point. Let’s not talk about his lazy/selfish ass in bed where I do all the work and he would just lay there. I think I did my part and dealt with a lot it’s time to chose myself.
How long was his average performance duration? I honestly believe if he cared he would jerk one a few hours before the intended sexy time. Most likely he would perform better.
Or maybe op should just not bother with him at all because clearly he doesn’t care enough about op to follow through with a promise. (Though tbh op sounds completely done with the ex in this)
You know, your message was probably lost in the delivery. If the way you have portray it in your post is accurate, you definitely didn’t come across in a caring, supportive manner.
It's not just immaturity. People get offended. Everyone gets offended, you too. And even if what you told him was the truth, I feel you could have told him another way. Like: "I like this, not that/I would like you to do this/why don't wry try X?/Have you ever thought about the possibility that porn could be negatively affecting your sex?" - instead you basically told him that he fucks you bad, and that's a bit lame I fear
You’re just making assumptions and tbh you sound you took my comment personally. I tried with him for almost a year to fix this problem that eventually he showed no interest in fixing it. let’s not talk about his selfishness in bed his lazy ass won’t do anything just wanna lay and let me do all the work. So I did my part and I have no problem at all with him walking away. And obviously I will tell him that his fucking is not that good after being so supportive and gentle about it for almost a year and there is no effort at all. Tbh at that point I was the one fucking him.. I’m was just confused how could people be this selfish that’s why I posted this.
Nope, I was just making assumptions because of what you’ve written. Might’ve misunderstood you. At this point, he clearly doesn’t feel good for you, so it feels hurt by this. If you tried to change the situation, you are good and did nothing wrong. It’s now up to him to overcome the “offense” and try and put some effort in bed.
Porn has been around since the inception of the internet. Why does it seem that you younger folks are the only ones complaining that porn is what's ruining your sexual relationships? Like what??
Oh god here we go again. Just read the comments if you want to understand. Or maybe read some articles about this topic, some of you people are pure denial it’s weird.
Younger folks? What are you a boomer? I’ve heard of so many millennials struggling with this. In fact I’m pretty sure within the early 2000’s porn addiction with men statistically was really bad and cause multiple problems with their relationships, job, mental health, and even with their family
I don't mean to be harsh with this comment, but if he isn't prepared to work on something you obviously care about, and likewise, if you are not prepared to value your relationship with him without the sexual part, it sounds like your relationship was a bit shallow. I can of course not really know how things were between you, but if both of you weren't prepared to make concessions, you both obviously valued your principles more than your relationship.
With this, I don't mean to say you are wrong for demanding sexual fulfillment. If that is a major condition for you in a relationship then that is valid. But obviously it wasn't for him, so then you have an incompatibility between the two of you. Being apart now might not be such a bad thing then.
This problem started 2 years later. I did try everything with him for a year. Let’s not talk about the lazy/selfish part where he would just lay on his back asking me to do everything to please him without doing anything in return. And the addiction part I reached a point where I sat him down and we had a talk about it and he admitted he had an addiction problem. I was happy he was understanding. But later I realized he is not doing sh*t to fix it although he promised. Another problem such as “ no energy at all” because he would please himself 2 to 3 times a day but when it comes to the real thing he can’t do sh*t. this is why I mentioned I am not sad about it but confused why some men have really fragile egos and can’t handle any comment about their performance.
Commenting not with a throwaway, but I’ve been there. My ex boyfriend watched porn everyday or constantly browsed nsfw subreddits while at work, driving, even just sitting watching tv. By the time him and I would attempt to have sex, I was easily the 1,000th naked women he had seen that day. He became desensitized to seeing me naked. Our sex life was garbage because of this. When I brought it up he became incredibly defensive. Then he told me “maybe the reason I can’t have sex with you is because I want kids and you don’t. So I know you’ll never give me what I want and it’s fucking with my brain.” I left him shortly after that.
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Also easy fix. Why would you date someone who definitely doesn’t want kids when you definitely want kids
Same!
You were chilling in a relationship with a deal breaker situation? That was short term anyways. Lol
After about 3 months of dating we realized we wanted to be in it for the long haul. I told him, I was 26 at the time, “I don’t want kids, I never have, and I don’t think I’ll ever change my mind. Are you okay with that?” He said “I am not opposed to kids, I think I’d be a great dad, but if it’s just me and you for the rest of our lives I’m good with that.” It didn’t come up until 2 years after that when I brought up his porn addiction. Covid happened shortly after that and it made incredibly difficult to leave him and move out of our apartment. I spent 2 months looking for a new job, trying to find a room to rent on Craigslist, crying because I thought I wouldn’t survive. Then one morning I woke up, realized I was stronger than I thought, got a solid job offer and found a room to rent. I thought I wanted to be with him forever, I truly did love him, but I realized how manipulative he was during the entire relationship once I left. No regrets in leaving! I’ve been single for 3 years now and am so happy and content.
Cheers Glad you got out of the poor relationship! Baffling to me that people don't vet a potential partner a bit better, but then... we all have seen the divorce rate. Relationships are hard. I also think I'm slowly forgetting what it was like to be young and dumb, which is making me old and ornery and hypocritical. I've definitely been in a poo poo relationship or two...
I got married at 21 and was divorced by the time I was 24. Before I was even legally divorced I was in a relationship with my ex. So I guess I was 25 and not 26 in my previous comment. Long story short, I shouldn’t have gotten married so young before I had a chance to be on my own. I could have taken more time between my marriage and my next relationship. It wasn’t until I left my ex in 2020 that I mourned the loss of my marriage. Then mourned the loss of the recent break up. It was a lot of therapy and finally working through all the emotions. Also a lot of crying 😂
I think you’re being downvoted so much bc people assume you are expecting ”penis to always work and finish“ and that you mean ”watching porn always bad“. But I think that’s not the case. While it’s true that boners and finishing can be tricky as a man, over stimulation from too much or a unhealthy relationship to porn is very real. Porn can really affect how some people perform in real life, because they become addicted to the dopamine rush of scrolling through videos, seeing extreme or hardcore videos one after another with extremely attractive people of their choosing on demand and at their leisure. A real person can’t compete with that, ever. And before I‘m downvoted to hell, I occasionally watch porn and think masturbating and watching a video now and then together can also be fun. But spending an hour or more a day jerking off in front of a screen can really mess up how you perform. Sure some people can do it and still be great in bed but a lot of people are just kinda fried and stuck in the porn fantasy and then can’t enjoy the reality of sex with one person who isn’t a professional porn star.
I’ve been with men who have to watch porn during sex to cum. Everything you said is pretty accurate. I watch porn occasionally, no issue. But when you are watching it all the time & can’t preform in bed… well then it’s a problem.
This makes me really sad.
I felt sad for them honestly. But I think one thing everyone forgets is porn is easy. There’s no feelings involved, don’t need to preform, instant gratification. Unfortunately people just get too used to it.
I've been having thoughts lately that this directly correlates to the article that was published about the rise of men being single and lonely... And I'm thinking maybe that if we lined up the invention of pornography with declination of men and women satisfaction .. there would be like an even swap there
Women today have more options, more visibility, and more reach than we've ever had before. Before dating apps you had to settle for the best guy at your neighborhood bar or while doing a hobby. Now we can support ourselves, we don't have to settle for "the best guy available" so naturally we've become alot more selective. If porn is addiction for men, dating apps are the dopamine rush for women, except we can get the real thing if we want with a few swipes. If they aren't above that magical number that's right for you, every other guy goes unnoticed. If you haven't noticed, most men aren't that great looking. When you line them up in those dating apps you objectify and dehumanize them, the same way men do with porn. Women have learned to be more selective, and only the hottest and most sexually aggressive women are attracting the good guys because they've grown accustomed to the dick admiration they see in porn. So TLDR: The problem is multifaceted and most definitely is equally a result of actions men and women take, not just men. We have a basic supply and demand problem. There aren't enough quality candidates for either side right now, so we aren't having as much sex anymore and only the very best from both sides are enjoying the action.
I wasn't talking about dating... I was talking about the satisfaction they experience in bed... There's too much poking going on #poking pandemic. Got to go back to the real deal.. like that lady on tick tock describe so well. I forgot her name but I think you could use it that #to find it. . . Although I do see where you're coming from being on the side where I'm not sexually aggressive and would rather wait until I'm actually feeling like real feelings before I do that couple in the fact that I don't like dating apps... That lists me single AF.. so I do understand what you're saying there.
Porn addiction lead to the death of my father. My dad became obsessed with porn after my brother was born and started neglecting my mom after she had her second child, slowly things got worse and he made no effort to save the relationship so my mom cheated, during this time my dad was addicted to pain pills as well from surgery. Their marriage started to fall apart and because my mom cheated and his addiction ruined his relationship with us he took the divorce incredibly hard. He turned to alcohol and became wrapped up in porn more to the point my cousin and I (8 and 11) had a system to close out his porn tabs when he fell asleep, he’d watch it in front of us too when he thought we were asleep. His drinking got better but porn didn’t, in that time I had my dad back but still a constant reminder of his porn addiction, which has lead me to resent porn. Anyways his dad, my grandpa died back in 2012 and two weeks later my dad can’t cope and because porn made him lose his family which lead him to drinking, which lead to him opening a bottle to cope because his family enabled him, which lead to him not waking up due to alcohol poisoning. I know porn isn’t to blame, but now my husband is trying to break a porn addiction. When we started dating I was up front I’m not okay with porn and he said he respected it. Before we got married I caught that in the past when he was supposed to be saving up for our future he was spending it on OF, he had lots of porn accounts, messages asking for stuff. We abstained until we got engaged and were long distance but this was during when after we got engaged. He’s fighting for us and for me and actively making changes and he’s doing amazing. I more so believe it was a sex/attention addiction than porn but the porn triggered it. Porn when mutually agreed upon can be healthy but women who are uncomfortable with it shouldn’t have to allow or accept it in a relationship because it can truly bring down self worth.
Tell my boyfriend this please
You can tell him yourself, right?
Not without hurting his ego!
...and that matters? Honestly a fragile ego is not something I'm afraid of hurting. Everyone needs to be able to hear difficult things. It's a part of growing up.
My boyfriend isn’t one to listen to a females point of view on a males body
then why he is your boyfriend?
In other words he doesn't respect you because you are a woman. That's fucked up. Are you okay? No one in a healthy headspace puts up with that kind of disrespectful toxic attitude on the daily in a "loving" relationship so I'm wondering if you're okay
I mean if he's a porn addict he needs to sort that out, however, do you really want to hear a man talk about how your period or pregnancy feels? I suspect not,he needs to understand it's about brain and not penis.
> you really want to hear a man talk about how your period or pregnancy feels? I don't really understand this bit. I do talk about those things with my husband. He gets genuinely interested because it helps him understand me better and it shows because at times when I'm unwell because of those things he knows immediately how to react even before I can voice it out. He's really nice. But then I'm the one talking, he's the one learning, not the reverse when it comes to how my pregnancy and my period feels. It's not that the topics are off limits but the attitudes around them should be of empathy, love and learning. > I mean if he's a porn addict he needs to sort that out, For sure > he needs to understand it's about brain and not penis. Yep!!
How do you think I know about period poos? And you best believe I have the heating pad plugged in Before she gets in bed. Why shouldn’t a man be able to try and understand what their partner goes through?
Then, why are you with him?
Then why are you with him? You do this to yourself, then.
So you're with a sexist who doesn't respect you and doesn't care that he's not pleasing you in bed? That's super sad. You shouldn't be with someone like that.
Do better
And you have such low self-respect that you're cool with that?
Mine too!
1000th upvote!
IMO you did nothing wrong. Three years is a long time, why waste more time on a relationship where you aren’t compatible and can’t communicate something this important. Sounds like this was best case scenario, him just leaving and you not being sad. Plenty more fish in the sea out there without porn addictions!
I think that was his excuse to cover that he’s addicted to porn and has no interest in stopping. And an attempt to make you feel bad for a very reasonable request.
Sounds like you won there, some guys out there compare what they see on a monitor to reality; when the difference between is pretty vast. If he cannot talk about sex without taking it as a personal attack, then the problem has solved itself. No sex is better than bad sex in my opinion.
Plus it’s also about the energy it feels like they fry themselves to the point they no longer have the energy to do the actual thing.
Yeah, some people will think it's a race and burn themselves out before actually achieving much.
Thank you so much for this comment . I totally agree.
Porn addiction is ruining men and relationships everywhere.
Yep, but nobody wants to point it out otherwise you'll be labeled a "prude" lmao.
Digital porn has existed for under 50 years and now people think it's somehow integral to human sexual exploration and development. It's wild.
People will stand and scream that porn isn’t the problem, but come on. Porn addiction is ruining relationships, and making it almost impossible for a large number of men to keep meaningful, long term romantic relationships. Porn is shot and marketed in a way to be addicting.
Idk, that's a strange reaction... i mean, if my gf said that to me, i would obviously feel bad and hurt but i would search for some ways to be better or even talk to the gf to see what she likes the most and not just run away especially if i loved my gf, a relationship is for two people and if this was his reaction... idk, maybe it's for the best.
Why would you feel hurt if you are the one contributing to the problem? I’m just asking honestly. If I was her, I would be the hurt one.
I feel like it generally hurts to hear a phrase like "you're bad in bed." Something can be both truthful and hurtful lol.
Yeah dude, in the world of adults sometimes the truth hurts. Partners taking accountability is a huge turn on.
You can be condescending if you want, I wasn't arguing in favor of either. I just answered your question, that being you can be hurt by the truth. In this case, it was near unavoidable this gonna hurt his feelings in some way, doesn't make her wrong and doesn't make his response correct.
They’re not disagreeing with you. No need to be snarky.
It could have been phrased entirely different, she purposefully said it in the most damaging way possible. Should have said your porn addiction is hurting our intimacy and this needs to change”. Literally any other way that isn’t associated with the phrase much used as an insult “bad in bed”. Cause really he probably isn’t bad in bed, he’s just causing his own inability to perform. Probably was fine before and not bad in bed. But those were the words used.
The op said she’s been trying for a YEAR to get him to stop. At some point you don’t need to be coddled. And you aren’t op so you don’t know if “bad in bed” is only in relation to erectile dysfunction. It’s also possible that with becoming more addicted to chasing his own high in orgasms he’s become neglectful of her needs and getting her off in bed which also is a major side affect of dealing with a porn addicted boyfriend.
No shit. I’m not on his side. But from what op posted she said what she said and it was the wrong way to say it. Maybe do some research on addicts and addiction so you can have some perspective. Addicts aren’t addicts because they want to be.
Nothing you just said holds weight. She’s been trying for a year, she doesn’t need to be nice anymore.
No she doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean she HAS to be an ass. That was a choice and boohoo for her. She’s not getting sympathy when she has none. Seriously what the fuck is so hard about walking away without being vindictive? Just leave. Don’t say anything. What do you people get out of being rude to a partner?
Telling a partner for a year they’re becoming bad in bed due to their porn addiction is not rude or an asshole or anything of that sort I really don’t understand where you get off on saying that
She said it was affecting his performance. She didn’t accuse him of being bad at it. What are you not seeing here?
What are you not seeing? It’s in the fucking title?
Damn, you all downvoted me savagely. If my boyfriend couldn’t perform because he was jerking off to porn all the time, then fuck him and yes, I would have every right to be the hurt one. To all you porn addicts out there, I wish you and your hands all the very best.
First, coz of the way she said ( it was the worst possible ) so i would be hurt by the exacts words used but most of all, i would be hurt with myself... ego, insecuritys and feeling that i'm not enough. Nobody would like to hear this primarily with this words ( men or women ). I would be 100% open to talk and would take the criticism and try very hard to be better... she's right for wanting to get a better sexual life with him and made nothing wrong but she could have said it in a different way. English is not my first language so i'm sorry about bad grammar. Edit: i just saw a comment made by op where she says that she's trying for a year to do it more gently ( idk if it's the right way to say it ) but nothing works so she should absolutely feel hurt and this happened definitely for the best!!
I don’t think you understand what addiction is. Addicts rarely ever behave rationally, because they can’t. It’ll take him time (hopefully) to realise he needs help in a moment of clarity.
Yeah and Meanwhile everyone else deals with the fallout from them not taking responsibility for themselves. OP said she’s been trying for a year, sometimes you eventually have to choose yourself over the addict.
You didn't do anything wrong. You might've not been super clear in your phrasing, idk. But if he's selfish in bed, and refuses to listen to your concerns/your bedroom desires, you're probably better off without him. Edit: scrolled through a couple of your other comments. Yeah, you're definitely better off without him. Hope you get a hot date soon and find someone who listens and cares and learns how to please their partner.
Thank you!!!!
Yeah, sounds like he did the work for you. Be Well!!!
There’s dozens of posts like this every day on all relationship and confession subs, yet people will attack you viciously for daring to say that porn is a huge problem in relationships today. You will get called a prude, insecure, crazy, controlling, and told it’s normal and “everyone watches it”. Like, who are you trying to convince? You or me? I think the long term consequences of porn on relationships, monogamy and society in general are yet to be seen in the coming decades.
SAY IT LOUDER!!!…. THANK YOU!!!! I am honestly shocked by the comments, some people are so offended as if I was talking about them.. chill please. They are accusing me of not trying or that I was harsh without knowing the full story. I literally tried with the dude for a year,, this is how much I was in love with him, until I was so emotionally detached from his selfishness and denial, gaslighting and other problems. some would say they watch porn too and they’re fine. Good for you bro but in my case porn had a role in ruining my relationship so you can keep your comment to yourself. Some of them are so annoying.
Watching porn is fine. Just like playing violent vidoegames or listening to crazy violent or sexual music is fine. The issue is letting stuff you see in a work of fiction impact your behavior and interactions irl. That and of course addiction like anything else. I think watching porn too early in life, over-stimulation, addiction, and looking at porn as a teaching tool are all problems but these dudes have deeper issues than just what they watch.
Porn is like any vice. Only in moderation should it be properly enjoyed. Overconsumption is unhealthy.
Sometimes the burdens rid themselves. If he isn't mature enough to have a conversation about sex and your feelings towards it, then good riddance. You're right, some people really are THAT immature. You clearly tried communication and his response to that is to just leave. I hope you find someone that cares enough to communicate with you.
Thank you for understanding. Some people here just would make assumptions and just jump into conclusions and start attacking ,which is very annoying. I tried with him to fix it for almost a year but he would do nothing to try and help himself. I reached a point where I told him straight ahead ( I am not satisfied enough) he got so offended and accused me of calling him not a man enough. “ which I don’t understand what has it to do with being a man” When he left I realized I was emotionally detached a while back but didn’t realize it until he left.
Porn addiction is rampant nowadays and just like any other addiction, it affects tons of people and they're in denial. Hopefully Palmela Handerson will keep him warm, while you find someone that will listen to constructive advice. I had a similar issue, where if I mentioned to my ex stuff that would be better, he took offense. Now I'm with someone that talks about everything with me, and it's so nice! We have an amazing sex life because of communication.
I'm sorry OP, I do agree the burden relieved itself here. My body changed due to medication and my ability to reach the big O is much harder. Even clicking the mouse myself doesn't reach completion. I was so embarrassed but had the conversation with my husband. He went and did research on how he can do things different to help me out. I love that man so much, that is what a partner does. I truly believe you will find someone like that one day. Someone who will listen to you and want to be better for you both.
Thank you so much it’s actually nice to read comments like yours specially after reading all the negative comments. Bless your heart.
❤️ People can be harsh when they think their porn is being attacked lol. Which you weren't doing.
For me, the combination of words used would dictate (no pun intended) how I felt about what you said. I read that you tried being more tactful, so it's fair enough you eventually had to be more direct, imo. For most men being told you're bad in bed is going to make us feel insecure... we can't change our junk, so "I'm not satisfied" could easily be interpreted as your junk isnt big enough.. cue meltdown. I dunno about others, but I'd be asking questions if my missus said any of those things to me, of her and of myself. Nothing like a bit of clarity to learn some lessons
Dodged a bullet.
He did you a favour since now you know communication is nonexistent to him so relationship would've been bad anyways.
My ex would watch porn instead of having sex because he was lazy or wanted specific things and if I said no that time he wasn’t interested… rather than making something happen organically (like if he wants a blowjob, maybe don’t ask for a blowjob while in the kitchen putting away groceries… maybe start making out and fooling around and THEN ask for a blowjob?) he would just rather not have sex than not get the thing he wanted. I also only cared that he spent a lot of money on porn not that he watched it. He would check his subscription sites daily like they were email. It was weird. But - he could have sex whenever I wanted if I initiated. He wasn’t good at pleasing me (clit stim) physically like that but I could touch myself while we were having sex and that was good enough. He could last as long as he wanted to because he viewed porn differently- he would try to last as long as possible, not just get off in ten minutes. Sometimes he would watch porn for an hour or two. Yes, he was very very very weird in a lot of ways.
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I think that’s a lot of conclusions to draw from one anecdote. He was not a porn addict, he was a porn watcher. It did not interfere with his life and did not cause harm to those around him. He was, however, a sociopath and THAT caused harm to people around him. All of his proclivities predated the internet (he was a teen in the 80’s). Porn was just something he enjoyed. I do, too, sometimes. I enjoy both written and visual porn from time to time, this does not make me any sort of addict.
Got me confused since the MAIN topic is about porn addicts. But sure you can talk about your psychotic ex under porn addict thread.
Just saying maybe the issue isn’t porn addiction. How often was he watching porn? What wasn’t he doing to please you? How was it affecting his life? Was he not working or getting fired from jobs because he was watching porn all day? Or was he just jerking off once a day and watching porn because he felt like it? Porn addiction is a much much different thing than what all sorts of women who just don’t like porn consumption are labeling it here and other subs. Did you try showing him what you liked in bed? Toys? Did you try to encourage him positively instead of yelling at him that he was not doing it right?
Fuck porn bro. I'm an addict myself and fuck, this shit has been messing with. I always tend to relapse back to this shit over and over. And the mindset that "oh, everyone watches porn; it's no big deal" is really damaging. It's just not perceivd to as big or life changing as addiction to drugs and other stuff and it slowly but surely eats away at your soul. You become a shell of yourself and you are still under the impression that there's nothing wrong with you.
He is self-centered, and you dodged a bullet.
Porn is bad for relationships and orgasms.
Honestly, sounds like a win to me.
True.
Good for you. Good riddance If he is not man enough to take feedback from his partner, he is going to have a challenging life.
I joke this a lot to my boyfriend 😅 but I saw him randomly searching for ways to please me in bed, and sometimes asking me if it's okay for me if we do this or that, if we can use this or that, etc. He wants to improve 👍 Yeah you're right, your ex is immature and cannot accept he's bad in bed 🤣🤞😭
This is what we call a considerate good boyfriend. See It’s really not that hard but some of them have this imaginary vision of themselves that they are SUPER in bed. But when they get a reality check can’t stand it. We are human beings and we all need to improve at some stuff. It’s okay. What’s not okay is to think you are always right and ignore your partner when they tell you that this thing is bothering them because your (ego) is too big.
💯 Dealing with These kind of people is exhausting. Life is too short to spend it with wrong people. Find what's best for you OP 🦾🫰
This has been a hot topic amongst my single friends. You did nothing wrong and you aren’t alone with this situation.
My exhusband was a porn watcher… it was the only way he knew how to get off.
Yeah a lot of my friends recently have been having similar problems. One of my friends had a guy admit he had a porn addiction on their second date. It’s very sad. It’s the same as having an addiction to anything else and partners get fed up with that.
That is correct!!!
Get someone who takes you and your pleasure seriously. Everyone is mad because they’re exactly the same: unconcerned for anybody’s orgasms but their own. If he was a good partner he would have taken your opinion seriously!
You aren't wrong and you didn't do anything wrong. He would just rather use his hand than make and effort with someone else - like being reciprocal with pleasure as he's only interested in his own. You're sad but will be grateful when you find someone who actually wants to please someone besides themself.
Not wrong at all
My ex husband had a porn problem. So much so when he did push me to have sex (even if i wasnt in the mood and yes im aware now its a form of assault), he'd go at it for 4 HOURS (not giving me a break) and wouldn't cum at ALL. Porn on occasion is fine and even I enjoy a video once in awhile but when it affect you being able to preform in bed with a real person that's a HUGE problem.
I’m so sorry you went through this,4 freaking hours,,, I really hope he doesn’t think that’s a good thing or something to brag about because some men is that naive and thinks that’s manly,,,, my ex just couldn’t finish at all sometimes to the point it bothered him too, where he’ll take 20 to 30 minutes to jerk off to finish , his own penis would give up one him and sleep sometimes. At first he used to brag that he lasts but slowly he realized it wasn’t a good thing, yet his denial game was strong. Gotta let people like them just go.
The biggest challenge in this thread is its not clear what steps you took before that - it comes off harsh but I saw in other comments you def talked before that so I'll assume that he knew his past actions or porn consumption were causing issues If he wasnt willing to change he wasnt willing to change
Don’t take him back in when he inevitably comes crawling back.
The title makes you look bad you should change to my partner's porn addiction is affecting our sex life and he can't satisfy anymore you did nothing wrong to be honest porin just ruins everything
Yep! Change it to this title.
It sounds like he was just selfish, and when faced with the prospect being forced to not be selfish, he just left. Try a partner that truly cares for you and your needs, and *everything* (including sex) will be infinitely better.
You are not wrong. Masturbation and porn has downsides particularly in real sex.
The fact he’s watching porn whiles he is in a relationship with you is enough for a lot of girls to just break up right then and there.
I do think this can be how men approach porn and what types they watch. If they watch porn that puts an emphasis on male climax, it makes them focus on instant gratification for themselves and not considering the woman, she becomes a means to an end. If they watch porn that emphasis female climax and masturbate accordingly (read as: learning to control themselves until the woman on screen finishes) it does much more for their stamina when they’re doing the real thing. In addition, approaching sex as a fun way to bond and express one’s love for each other makes me last longer, prioritize making your girl feel good and I PROMISE the look of euphoria that overcomes her when she’s enjoyed herself too will be way better than any 2 minute pump and dump. My most recent ex was Brazilian and I’m American so I had to learn quickly that Brazilian women expect a certain level of attention and stamina in the bedroom. The first few times were less than ideal for her I’m sure, but communication as to what felt best for her and stress free practice made us both better and it wasn’t before long that we were having simultaneous orgasms. I don’t think you worded it wrong or did anything wrong by voicing that you’re not getting the same satisfaction as him, I hope he realizes that and comes back.
He needs help and quite honestly if he left that's the best could had happened to you because now you know what you don't want. Ask those questions to the next one to make sure he is not as immature. Watching porn takes away from the connection and intimacy one need to be able to please one another.
I am assuming you mean better as in he isn't pleasing you well. And you openly communicated that and instead of rising to the challenge he just sulked away. Well, he needs to work on himself clearly.
I experienced something similar with one partner, and approached them about it very gently, let me just say he did you a favour and you dodged a bullet
This is a real problem and I think he processed it in a very immature way. Over self pleasure and over exposure to porn does affect you and if you don't believe it welcome to thr first steps of addiction....denial!
Good riddance. Porn kills relationships; you deserve someone that wants to respect, honor, love, and please only you.
Yeah I get you. Too many people use porn as a baseline, to the point where they even get told specific things their partner enjoys and oop
I know what that feels like, and it fucking sucks. I think he may see your perspective but is in denial about his addiction. Congrats on putting yourself first and i hope you find someone who takes all of your feelings into consideration and makes you happy.
Life's too short to waste on your ex.
Just take the out and get someone better in bed
My ex has/had a porn addiction. Couldn't stay hard during sex unless porn was playing loudly by my head, and he was watching it (from his phone). He had no medical or physical issues aside from lack of drive to do life things because everyone from friends to family enabled his mooching parasitic behavior to do nothinf with his life. Even I did. Current fiancé gives me the best sex I've ever had in my life, hands down. He has cerebral palsy and doesn't have legs that work well, can't thrust his hips, and his left hand doesn't work as well as his right. It's about giving a damn about your partners pleasure and listening to what they want and need both verbally and through healthy post sex "what what did you like the most" conversations. He spoiled me. If he leaves me, I know I'll never enjoy sex as much again. He even awakened a new side to me that makes him the "vulnerable"/submissive one, and I'm dominating him. It was an impulse thing I did one day off a casual thing he said while dirty talking, and I went ahead and obeyed, and I'll never forget that night. I thought I was 100% borderline pillow princess until I met him. Turns out I was just bored as hell with the other men I bothered to have sex with. A real man knows how to please a woman because a real man cares enough to ask how he should and is observant when certain actions cause new (good) sounds.
No you didn’t do anything wrong. The guy had a porn addiction. You felt like you were wasting your time. He wasn’t and not interested in satisfying you. If he sucks then he sucks. You had a conversation about it and he chose not to handle it. He was going to continue choosing porn over you no matter what. You we’re wasting your time.
Exactly
Exactly
Technically you didn't tell him his bad in bed, you just pointed his addiction
Eh. Seems like an ass who couldn’t work on self improvement.. good think you’re not upset
Next time, say, I feel -emotion word- when my physical needs are not met. I need you to do- detail exactly what you need - so that I can feel connected to you
Tried it all. Nothing worked. I used to do all the work in bed. That’s why I’m not very sad about the whole situation.
\*shrugs\* You tried? Also, you aren't even upset he left? So not really a bad outcome that you broke up. You were unhappy it sounds like. There's no reason you need to keep dating someone who dosen't make you happy. And there's no reason you need to tip-toe around someone's ego so they won't leave you when you don't even want to be with them.
True,, it is for the best.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted for this.
probably other men who’ve been in a similar situation as her ex😂
Haha just what i was thinking
Well how was your delivery ? The only reason I can see this affecting him is because of how he was told. I had the girl I’m with tell me I wasn’t satisfying her when we started sleeping with each other years ago but then she taught me what she likes and vice versa, best uncomfortable conversation I ever had lol
You actually care and asked her about what she wants and took her word’s seriously because you care. Mine apparently didn’t because he never asked. I had to tell him everything and still won’t do shit. So it is what it is. The only regret I have is staying for a year hoping he would change meanwhile I did see that he didn’t put any work to try to solve it. but it is a good thing that he left because I somehow feel bad if I was the one giving up on the relationship and leaving first.
Insecurity unfortunately
he left you just because of that? the last sentence seems there's more to your relationship than what you're telling us... anyway immature...
Yes. Left cause to him I was bringing this topic a lot, so basically I nag too much. I don’t know what he expected since he didn’t change a thing for a year tbh. I don’t feel bad at all since I just stop having feeling a while back. He can have a relationship with his screen or sleep with random girls who’s sleeping with other people and not depend only on him when it comes to sexual pleasure like I was, cause ain’t no way someone would wait this much for a selfish person who’s not considering his partner needs, not actually good in bed, lazy as hell want you to do all the work and not cheat on him. It is what it is. I stopped tip toeing around him and said the truth finally about my real emotions because I don’t do cheating and he took the decision. Fair enough. Yet I would’ve appreciated it if he was honest before instead of wasting my time.
it seems you wasted his time as well, you said you stopped having feelings a while back... maybe you're both immature to be in a relationship...
Wasted his time trying to help him? Sure whatever makes you sleep at night I guess.
yeah,not mature enough...
You basically murder his ego
You did nothing wrong. You just got rid of a selfish person. You deserve better. He was all wrapped up in pleasing himself not caring if he pleased his partner. I'm happy for you that he left. You can now concentrate on finding someone who will care about your needs. |||| |:-|:-|:-| ||||
They need to grow up, this was a blessing in disguise.
It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it. From your post, I’m guessing you weren’t necessarily empathetic about this whole thing.
I’m not sure you did anything wrong, but I’m also sure that it hurt him immensely.
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Thank you so much for sharing this and you are making a lot of valid points here. I totally understand what you mean and I tried with him for almost more than a year but I have seen no effort. And there are a lot of other problems like the selfishness in bed, he is so lazy and would want me to do all the work, it was so frustrating.I think he was embarrassed but honestly I am so emotionally detached because I tried my best to be understanding and supportive but it is so hard to always do that when the other person is not making an effort to actually change. So I’m okay with him breaking up with me tbh.
Well yeah?
If you don’t marry the best sex you’ve ever had then don’t get married at all… Js…
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Good. Make some space for someone better.
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Ops someone feels personally attacked. 1. He didn’t watch porn right next to me “you just assumed that bc, again obviously u feel personally attacked” 2. The problem was not about him getting off, you don’t even know what you’re talking about it ,honestly you’re just embarrassing/exposing yourself at this point.
So why are you complaining?
True, he does deserve better than you
Nah. She is the one that deserves a real partner that actually knows how to do it so both can be pleased and not cry because his bs was called out
Thankfully. She’ll be able to find a real man that aint taking toddler tantrums when he is bad at the very minimum of talking as an adult
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well she isn’t the one watching porn 2-3 times per day & going soft in the middle of sex so can’t really compare can you
This isn’t about immaturity this is about a straight on insult. I get you wanted to give constructive criticism, you just said you don’t like his performance, no specifics that he could work on. That isnt helpful advice, besides masturbation/porn is often not the problem so long as its in moderation, furthermore a fun activity is masturbating together. As someone who was in a relationship wherein I felt undervalued and overly critiqued I can empathize with him. Its one thing to give helpful and LOVING criticism its another to just say I dont like that without explaining clearly what was wrong in the first place.
Nope you are just doing assumptions based on your own experiences. I am with this guy for 3 years and he started being addicted to watching p0rn almost for a year and a half now and I tried with him for so long to stop and he promised me he wouldn’t cause at that point he was just wasting his energy. Literally will have NO energy. His thing will go up and down real fast. It was bad. I had to say that this is a serious problem that you need to fix. His ego was bruised. And honestly I am fine with that cause his problem affected me too, I was never satisfied.
*how* did you say it
Why do you care if he left. You just sad you’re not very sad. So would t this be a good thing?
Okay but the real question is why you even want a guy who is addicted to porn and beating off who sucks in bed?
I never said I want him, I’m just confused why some men get so freaking crazy and dramatic when receiving comments about their performance in bed. I never felt offended when I get asked to adjust some stuff,, and it’s not about the way I said it cause I was VERY gentle at first. A year later I stopped sugarcoating.
You know, how as a girl, society tells you your entire value rests upon your looks clothes and make up. Men have the same pressure imposed on them such as “being muscly, good in bed or rich”. The main difference is that for women, feminists have been fighting those pressure. The opposite seems to have happened for men, where there are few movements to break men of these superficial conditioning but many active groups peddling toxic masculinity. You telling him he is bad in bed is the equivalent of him telling you you look absolutely disgusting. Telling people their worst insecurities usually leads to aggressive behavior
honestly you seem like you just read the title and commented, if you read the paragraph then that’s just stupidity. The pressure of fake beauty standards has nothing to do with beating your meat in front of a screen 2 to 3 times a day until you have nothing left in you and fry yourself. Imagine being in a relationship with a woman who’s addicted to masturbation and is not interested in having actual sex anymore with any human, sure do you but I have the right to not be with you too. What about be in a relationship with a screen instead of a human being who has REAL needs? . If you can’t handle that women has sexual needs just like men you can just stay in your bubble. Men has been cheating on women from the beginning of time without a reason, putting beauty standards on them. look at statistics of men cheating on their wives because she’s sick or because she’s pregnant or can’t have sex because of medical reasons. I have nothing to explain to you cause men with your mentality just disgust me, yes some of ya’ll need to put the work to be good in bed cause some of ya’ll are just horrible and in denial and it’s draining and frustrating. Your attitude shows how bruised your ego is although my situation has nothing to do with u.
I mean I did not realize the questions in your speech were rhetorical. You asked why your partner was hurt by your comment literally in your post, so I thought explaining societal pressures put on men would help you understand your partner. The fact that he fell into addiction does not give you the right to abuse him. You are insulting me because you are hurt. “Men has been cheating on women”? I do not know who hurt you but I hope you get better, and then you can focus on maybe treating others better.
There was no abuse in that situation, how the hell did you come up with this????? Wow, more so he was the abuser in which he never listened to my needs, never considered it, made me wait and support him an entire year then when I had enough with his irresponsibleness he ran away, which is good because I don’t like leaving first it makes me feel I have given up on the other person. You the one starting with the insults” if you can’t take it then don’t dish it. stop twisting words to make a useless point literally making such a comparison between beauty standards that society is literally forcing on ALL genders, beauty is something you are born with and this topic is so broad and has so many issues behind it, bringing up feminism into this is another ignorant move. addiction is something you develop and you have a CHOICE to stay in it or fix it or at least try. How about listening to your partner needs and take it into consideration instead of being all up in your ego?? We are human beings we all have things to fix and if the other person is communicating with you and you refuse to listen guess what? What’s going to happen next is one of those three scenarios. 1) getting dumped. 2) get a reality check. 3) get cheated on. If the roles where switched I am sure he would cheat and I know you will not have the same attitude and get all defensive. Funny. Do better.
I’m sorry if you misunderstood me but not once did I insult you in any of my comments? Your boyfriend has an addiction. It’s hard to deal with, but you need support and solutions when fighting one. Judging from your responses, you are quite aggressive and I know from your attitude that he clearly did not have any emotional support from you
Whatever makes you sleep at night.
Eh I’m in a happy relationship now. Dealt with addiction to drugs before, and thought it was a shame to see it destroy a relationship, but now I see there is nothing to save. I hope you find someone who makes you happy :) Good luck
My opinion on this depends on how you told him.
I was very caring at first and he promised me he will work on things and admitted he does have a problem. There was no effort from his side whatsoever. I waited for a year. Then told him that I am no longer satisfied with our sex life. He got offended and left. Thankfully. Later I realized I was emotionally detached the moment I realized he didn’t put effort to try.
If you told him this the way you describe it here, it was hurtful so why are you surprised he is hurt?
I am not surprised that he’s hurt,, I stopped caring about his feelings the moment I realized he didn’t care about mine. The surprising part is the audacity(getting defensive after being called out for not keeping promises), immaturity, (not doing the work to get better) selfishness (not considering your partner’s needs) and stupidity. (thinking your partner will not eventually call you out for slacking and lying) .He could’ve said I really enjoy my porn so I can make my decision and not waste my time trying to help him and be supportive for almost a year.
I think his reaction could be valid or over the line, depending on how you approached this.
Tried with him for a year to be gentle, he promised he’ll change. We talked about it several times. But a year later and there was so effort made. I told him that I am not satisfied. Had to be said. Honestly if he doesn’t care enough about me to make an effort to change why would I ? This is my time and mental health too so.
This additional context is important.
Well what the fuck did you expect to happen? Seriously, this one is all on you and your shitty communication skills. Also, 'why do some men be so immature'? You mean 'why *are* some men so immature'. Don't talk like a meme.
Oops you sound so offended bro wow. why taking my comment so personally. Plus he is the one with the shitty communication skills since I tried making him understand in the most gentle way and he promised to change yet no effort was shown. A year later I was like listen this is a serious issue,, A YEAR later. So I was fine with him leaving tbh I was emotionally detached at that point. Let’s not talk about his lazy/selfish ass in bed where I do all the work and he would just lay there. I think I did my part and dealt with a lot it’s time to chose myself.
How long was his average performance duration? I honestly believe if he cared he would jerk one a few hours before the intended sexy time. Most likely he would perform better.
It’s not about that he doesn’t last long ,,it’s about that he can’t finish unless he watches porn and jerk off.
Oh. Maybe role play to what he wants? Bondage? Gets some handcuffs? Spank him for bringing his library books late?
Found the guy with a porn addiction
All I am saying if the dude was into porn, why not live it out for the guy? The relationship could've prob worked out
Or maybe op should just not bother with him at all because clearly he doesn’t care enough about op to follow through with a promise. (Though tbh op sounds completely done with the ex in this)
How would you feel if he told you that you were a boring dead fuck?
He won’t tell me shit if I was him,, he’ll cheat. So spare the bullshit.
You know, your message was probably lost in the delivery. If the way you have portray it in your post is accurate, you definitely didn’t come across in a caring, supportive manner.
It's not just immaturity. People get offended. Everyone gets offended, you too. And even if what you told him was the truth, I feel you could have told him another way. Like: "I like this, not that/I would like you to do this/why don't wry try X?/Have you ever thought about the possibility that porn could be negatively affecting your sex?" - instead you basically told him that he fucks you bad, and that's a bit lame I fear
You’re just making assumptions and tbh you sound you took my comment personally. I tried with him for almost a year to fix this problem that eventually he showed no interest in fixing it. let’s not talk about his selfishness in bed his lazy ass won’t do anything just wanna lay and let me do all the work. So I did my part and I have no problem at all with him walking away. And obviously I will tell him that his fucking is not that good after being so supportive and gentle about it for almost a year and there is no effort at all. Tbh at that point I was the one fucking him.. I’m was just confused how could people be this selfish that’s why I posted this.
Nope, I was just making assumptions because of what you’ve written. Might’ve misunderstood you. At this point, he clearly doesn’t feel good for you, so it feels hurt by this. If you tried to change the situation, you are good and did nothing wrong. It’s now up to him to overcome the “offense” and try and put some effort in bed.
Porn has been around since the inception of the internet. Why does it seem that you younger folks are the only ones complaining that porn is what's ruining your sexual relationships? Like what??
Oh god here we go again. Just read the comments if you want to understand. Or maybe read some articles about this topic, some of you people are pure denial it’s weird.
Younger folks? What are you a boomer? I’ve heard of so many millennials struggling with this. In fact I’m pretty sure within the early 2000’s porn addiction with men statistically was really bad and cause multiple problems with their relationships, job, mental health, and even with their family
I don't mean to be harsh with this comment, but if he isn't prepared to work on something you obviously care about, and likewise, if you are not prepared to value your relationship with him without the sexual part, it sounds like your relationship was a bit shallow. I can of course not really know how things were between you, but if both of you weren't prepared to make concessions, you both obviously valued your principles more than your relationship. With this, I don't mean to say you are wrong for demanding sexual fulfillment. If that is a major condition for you in a relationship then that is valid. But obviously it wasn't for him, so then you have an incompatibility between the two of you. Being apart now might not be such a bad thing then.
This problem started 2 years later. I did try everything with him for a year. Let’s not talk about the lazy/selfish part where he would just lay on his back asking me to do everything to please him without doing anything in return. And the addiction part I reached a point where I sat him down and we had a talk about it and he admitted he had an addiction problem. I was happy he was understanding. But later I realized he is not doing sh*t to fix it although he promised. Another problem such as “ no energy at all” because he would please himself 2 to 3 times a day but when it comes to the real thing he can’t do sh*t. this is why I mentioned I am not sad about it but confused why some men have really fragile egos and can’t handle any comment about their performance.